My name is JinYoo
DO YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A KANGAROO BOXER?
by Matt Jones
ìFree to Be”--more words at large
For kangaroos’ eyes only! By Nick Martin
ll kangaroos want the glory of pummeling man at his own bloodsport. Not to mention, marsupials in the Australian Underground Animal Boxing League (AUABL) make as much as hundreds of dollars a month, not to mention all the mulberries they can possibly eat! So no surprise that millions of kangaroos try out each year to get a chance at boxing people. The only fair way to hold these tryouts? In a no-holdsbarred boxing match ‘roo against ‘roo. Most kangaroos die brutally. Worse yet, most of the dead kangaroos were also mothers (But that’s OK, kangaroo orphans often grow up to be the strongest boxers, or they die.) Thankfully, we found out how to survive Kangaroo war-games. If you read our tips, train hard enough, and say no to drugs (except performance enhancing rhino testosterone), you’ll be on the road to human face breaking in no time!
WHAT YOU NEED TO BE A KANGAROO CHAMPION: »Weighted boxing gloves with translucent barbed wire The great Jack Vance used to shout, “Hit hard and cut their face up with barbed wire.” And that’s just what you’re going to do. We’ll plate your gloves with lead (you’ll lose speed, but hopefully gain it back after awhile) and tape this translucent
barbed wire that emits no visible lightwaves right around the squishy part. Sure, invisible barbed wire isn’t as tough as regular barbed wire, but barbed wire has been outlawed in the AUABL since 2009. »Koala Mistress Sure, you’ve got a wife, but every good boxer needs a mistress. Find a koala, get her messed up on eucalyptus and go crazy, after you win your fight! Eventually, this koala might get jealous and murder you. »Silk shorts The zenith in comfort and mobility. Made from the web of worms and sewn together by Chinese tweens. Don’t get blood on your legs; get blood on your silk. »Manager who knows all the ins and outs The best boxers in history all had great managers. You know why? Because they realized you can book fights against people you know you’ll beat and raise up your confidence while reaping in the big bucks on the side. Get a manager. And remember, the stupider the haircut, the better. »Little Joey for Trick Shots You got a pouch — use it! Hide a little babe in there, teach him when to pop out and hit enemies right in the marbles! Nobody’s expecting a baby punching kangaroo; and a ref would have to be crazy to call something so cute!
Stumped? Find the solutions in the Classifieds pages.
Across 1 Brick carrier 4 1450, to Nero 8 Is acquainted with 13 Old health resorts 15 Gas checked in home safety tests 16 Like bad lending 17 OutKast member ___ 3000 18 Debate attack 19 ___ positive 20 Co. whose mascot is Nipper 21 Deer relative 22 Abbr. after a phone number 24 “___ Blues” (“White Album” song) 25 “Critique of Pure Reason” philosopher 27 Sinatra song with many lines starting with ìthis timeî 30 Point to 32 Kind of issues aggravated by gluten 36 Swelling 37 One of the tides 39 Lisa of “Melrose Place” 40 Ruff ___ Entertainment (former record label) 42 Refused to go along with, like an idea
44 “If you asked me...” followup 46 Pastures 47 Soak (up) 50 “øQue ___?” (“How’s it going?” in Spanish) 51 Firework without the pop 53 Seasonal Will Ferrell movie 54 Medicine man, hopefully 56 Con artist’s cube 59 ___ 2600 (system with blocky graphics) 60 Grocery store number 61 Doc in the field 62 Clean version of a song 63 It’s pulled in April 64 In ___ (at heart) 65 1988 Dennis Quaid remake
Down 1 Lollipops and peppermints and such 2 Like some catches 3 She teamed with Eminem in 2000 4 1996 kidsí movie directed by Danny DeVito 5 Anchor that stayed put for many years 6 Serious 7 Theyíre the target of simple terms 8 ìAutobahnî group 9 Elder relative, to some
10 In a strange way 11 On the decline 12 Billy Idol expression 13 More lively 14 Not feisty 23 “The Mayor of Simpleton” band 26 ìBy the ___ Get to Phoenixî 28 Ryan or Boone 29 Architect Saarinen 31 Deck diversion 33 ìYessirree!î 34 ìFalcon Crestî actress with the real last name Ortiz 35 Fuzzy four on the floor 38 Scrape covers 41 Org. that gives out 9-digit IDs 43 It may clash with the rest of the suit 45 Draw 47 Lovable rascal 48 Like shells 49 Devil’s brand 52 ___-Provera (birth control injection) 55 PG&E opponent Brockovich 57 “Business Goes ___ Usual” (Roberta Flack song) 58 Scott who sued to end his own slavery
Illustration by Tyler Schmidt
February 21-27, 2013 buzz 15
Feb. 21, 2013: Our very first fully illustrated issue!