january 19 - 25, 2012
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AND ANOTHER THING ...
by MICHAEL COULTER
five to midnight The Doomsday Clock I’m a little hesitant to expect good things in 2012. Not to be all gloom and doom, but you know, that whole end of the world thing could really bite everyone in the ass. Will the world really end? I sort of doubt it, but I can’t be sure. There’s that whole Mayan calendar deal, but more importantly, there was that movie called 2012 with John Cusack, and I’m pretty sure that shit was supposed to be true. I’ve actually never seen that movie because I hate it when I know the ending, and I wanted to experience the genuine apocalypse with a fresh perspective. I am, of course, joking about the end of days, but maybe I shouldn’t.
and not the pretend weapons like we did with that whole Iraq invasion last time. In fact, I really thought nuclear weapons were the only thing they looked at, but of course, I was wrong. They also look at other things like climate change, biosecurity and new technologies. Obviously, these are some funassed folks, and I would imagine they have some kickass parties when they aren’t all worried about predicting the end of the world. They were really popular back in the Cold War days. The closest the clock every got was in 1984 when the US and Soviet Union were playing a game where they threatened to shove big nuclear bombs up the other one’s ass every five minutes or so. It was a quaint time when the best defense was still considered a good offense. The clock got to three minutes to midnight back then. We all got a bit of a reprieve a few years It’s important to remember it’s a later in 1991 when the clock got moved all the way back to 17 minutes until midnight. symbolic clock and is just what This was because the Cold War was officially this group of people expects to over and the U.S. and Russia began to cut back on all the bombs they were storing in happen. The Bulletin of Atomic their arsenals. Oh sure, they still probably Scientists has no real control over had enough firepower to blast everything to kingdom freaking come five or six times, but our destiny. “Ooh, a bunch of everyone was making an effort to get along, scientists think they’re smarter so we got some extra theoretical time. went along swimmingly for some time than everyone else because they’re asThis people apparently thought all the counall educated and, um, smarter than tries were just going to throw away their weapons and have a big love-in. The clock everyone else.” has sort of bounced around since then, and now we’re back to five damned minutes to Last week, the Doomsday Clock was set forward midnight. The problem now is that a lot of countries one minute, and that’s nothing to screw around out there have nuclear capabilities, and the ones with, or maybe it is. The end of the world is so who don’t are trying to get nuclear capabilities. The tricky. The clock was at six minutes to midnight, scientists are worried because no one seems to be but now it is set for five minutes to midnight, so, on board with enacting any sort of test ban treaty. even though I’m not a big math guy, I think that The reason for this appears to be because most means that we’re one minute closer to not having countries enjoy being able to theoretically blow the a world. Of course, 95% of the people I know are piss out of other countries whenever they decide incapable of being on time to a freaking movie, they want to. When you consider all the smaller so I would expect we’ll have a few minutes either countries and terrorists that could start some shit way on that doomsday thing. at any time, I suppose the combination of everything In case you don’t know, the Doomsday Clock can get a little scary. If you’ve been putting off digsymbolizes how close we are to catastrophe. It’s ging that hole in your backyard for a bomb shelter, regulated by a group of people called the Bulletin you might want to get off your ass any time now, or of the Atomic Scientists. This clock was set up as at least in the next five theoretical minutes. a warning to leaders and also as a way to scare The whole Doomsday Clock thing is a little the piss out of all the world’s inhabitants every so spooky and dramatic, but I suppose it might work often. It’s important to remember it’s a symbolic in some way. I would guess it’s mostly to call atclock and is just what this group of people expects tention to atomic scientists, and the state of the to happen. The Bulletin of Atomic Scientists has world is simply their vehicle. Sure, if you ask me, no real control over our destiny. “Ooh, a bunch I’d tell you that the world is going straight to hell, of scientists think they’re smarter than every- but I’m sort of a glass half empty guy to begin one else because they’re all educated and, um, with. Either way, it’d be swell if our leaders would smarter than everyone else.” listen to the scientists and start taking care of the These scientists set the clock based on several planet, but I bet they probably won’t. There’s not issues that they feel will affect the survival of the much money in the end of times, so no one really entire world. One of their criteria is nuclear weap- cares all that much. Even if there was money in it, ons. I think they look at the real weapons, though, there’s really no place to spend it. 16
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