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SCAPING

MEE T THIS MONTH’S L AWNMATES

THE

GRASS NEXT DOOR

TAMING NAUGHTY ST. AUGUSTINE

YOUR MOWER & YOU

DON’T PICK UP A CLINGY MOWER

YOUR

NAKED

LAWN OTHER LAWNS ARE JEALOUS $6.99 US $7.99 CAN

lawnscaping.com MAY 2011

FINE FESCUE

MEET THE DOE OF YOUR DREAMS


This month’s

LAWNMATES


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3

LAWNSCAPING

October


MEET THE DOES

8 | YOUR LAWNDROBE What to wear when you’re getting dirty.

19 | ADVICE WITH BUNNY FLOWERS Lawnmate Bunny Flowers shares advice on bunnies and flowers.

17

35 | YOUR MOWER & YOU Buying a mower is like falling in love.

37 | SEED OR SOD? Vanilla or chocolate? Cats or dogs? Seed or sod?

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editors’ note

WELCOME TO ANOTHER ISSUE OF

LAWNSCAPING We wanted to take a moment to talk about thatch, thatchers and thatching. This is a term that’s not used every day but here at Lawnscaping we believe in keeping things classy. Thatch is found directly below your grass line. It is the accumulation of grass trimmings, roots and debris. It can protect infant grass, but smother adult blades. A thatcher is someone who works with the thatch. Removes it when needed, spreads it to where it needs to go. So why bring the word back into our everyday vocabulary? Aside from being essential to lawn care, it’s a delicious word that describes everyone who picked up this magazine. There’s something dirty about thatch. It hides in the shadows. It can be warm or cool. Slightly dangerous yet a comforting blanket when you need it. That sums up Lawnscaping perfectly.

Enjoy the issue, and appreciate some thatch. Sincerely, John N. Kemp & Deere Deer


it’s always time to mow.

mowex.com


LAWNSCAPING JOHN N. KEMP & DEERE DEER editors-in-cheif

johndeereshow.com

JESSI MICHELLE

art direction & editorial jessimichelle.com

RAQUEL VAN NICE art direction & editorial

wix.com/raquelvannice/ladybird

JP LEROUX writer at large

ademporium.carbonmade.com

CHRIS MACARTHUR photography chrismacarthur.ca

KATIE WINTON-HENRY make-up artist

JO-JO JONES model

WHITENEY G. PETERSON model

SARAH LOUISE TYLER insight finder about.me/sarahlouise

MEGAN ENRIGHT & ROGER MULLER editorial directors


WHAT TO WEAR

WHEN YOU’RE GETTING DIRTY Are you dragging yourself out of bed in the morning because working on your lawn is becoming a chore? Get rid of your “I don’t care clothes.” A change of attire can lead to a changed attitude on yard care.

While you’re out tilling, other people are going to be looking. Unless you have built a ten-foot tall fence around your property (a topic for another article) your lawn is going to make people stop and take notice. Don’t be the hairy mole on your lawn’s face.

First off, mix up your clothing choice. Denim is great, however don’t forget about other fabrics. A nice tweed coat in the fall makes people stop Asking yourself, “Why should I get and say, “Hey look at that professor, dressed up when I’m just going he must know something about lawn to get dirty” is like asking, “Why care that I don’t.” A tuxedo might be take a nap when I’m just going too formal, but a tuxedo shirt says to wake up?” Getting dirty is just style. And don’t forget about the end result you need to enjoy accessories. The belt buckle is a great the journey. Dirt on your knee, a addition to show your personality. frayed cuff, and some grass stains should act as memories to the great times you’ve had working on your lawn.

Are you an, “I like beer” or a, “Fun starts here” kind of guy?

Overalls are not for novices, but can be the be-all end-all lawn care outfit. The uniform of master mowers everywhere. The rub though, is that if you don’t have the lawn to back it up, you aren’t fit to snap the buttons. If your grass is the same shade of green as your mower, then it’s a safe bet you are ready to start getting the coveted overall tan. No more taking the time to put on a shirt and pants, now your outfit gets you into your lawn as quickly as possible. Happy mowing.

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work boots (Sears $40)

white wife-beater (pack of 3 for $7).

jean cut-off shorts (free if you cut a pair from your wardrobe)

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overalls (Walmart $15)

cowboy hat (Party City $5) work gloves (Home Depot $15)

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you’ve been a dirty lawn, a dirty, dirty lawn


S

ome believers say that plants respond to the energy around them. That soothing, positive praises will affect a plant’s growth. But who wants a peaceful, fat and lazy plant? You want a sweet succulent sultry lawn. A lawn should be the veritable jezebel of the plant world, spreading its seed to every bare spot around it. Other lawns may call it a “whore” but that’s okay. The other lawns are just jealous. At Lawnscaping we are putting this to the test, on our own personal lawn. If plants do respond to energy, you want to send the most provocative, sensuous energy possible into your yard. Your lawn likes it when you talk dirty. We are going to ease into this experiment. There were some funny looks from the neighbors when we moved speakers outside and directed them downwards. Neighbors be damned, the lawn comes first. The beginning of the experiment started well enough. Without getting too risqué the staff started sending seductive energy out into the grass, whispering:

“It drives me crazy when you look like you do.” “You’re so damn sexy.” “I can’t wait to mow you.” Results were mixed. Overall the lawn seemed to react as though it was a prude. The only exception being the patches right under the speakers, but they could have just been receiving more shade. So in the next few weeks, tactics were amplified and things steamed up.

Taking cues from certain *Cough* videos that we had been watching, for research purposes only, the dirty talk escalated. The difficulty with talking to a plant is that there is no back and forth, aside from the occasional bend in the wind. So, unsure of what our lawn wanted to hear, everyone here just went at it with a barrage of dirty come-ons.

“You like getting rough don’t you? I’ll go get the rake.” “You’re gonna get aerated because you’re a naughty lawn.” In conclusion, the speakers were taken down. The results were too mixed to determine what exactly was working and the neighborhood petition against us was starting to reach a high number – no one had any idea that there were even that many people living in the area. When it gets down to it, the sweet nothings whispered to your lawn should be kept private. If it already looks sexy to you, that’s what’s important.

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Dear oh Dear it’s

Dear Oh Deer

DEAR DEERE, ON DEER DEALING

WITH

In the last few weeks we have received many calls on the show regarding other types of deer and I think I need to clear some issues up. I am a North American White-Tailed Deer and proud of it. I have been called a deercist before, but I think what people don’t understand is that the differences between deer, is quite different from the differences between people. Take–for example–the Moose. The mongoloid of our species. Mooses, Moosi, I don’t even know what the plural for moose is. Female moose are called cows, seriously you have something that’s technically a deer that’s called a cow, and looks like a freak. They have furry curved antlers, what good will those ever do? It’s like putting stuffed animals in a cannon–what’s the point? On the other end of the scale the Pudú is known as the world’s smallest deer. These things only get to be 17 inches tall. They are in danger of losing their natural habitat, which makes sense because they are too short to defend themselves. Let’s face it, given their size they are going to be turned into a house pet if they aren’t careful.

ANTLER

ENVY

Chinese Water Deer–I know, I have made mention of Reindeer being a little backwards–these deer take it to a different level. Instead of having a proper rack of antlers, water deer grow fangs. Seriously, fangs. Large tusks jutting from their mouths have resulted in them being known as vampire deer. However, these posers never let on about the truth. The only vampire deer known was staked years ago back in the mid–seventies. Deercism is a problem and I want to assure you that

I judge people on their personality first and usually their lawn second. Take my cousin Jeremy, he’s a Jackalope. My uncle got drunk, one thing led to another and he married a rabbit in Vegas. However, the two are still together, so good things can come from mistakes. Now a rabbit-deer hybrid may be scoffed at, but I assure you I only have problems with Jeremy because his new-wave hippy ideals led him to tearing up his lawn, replacing it with a rock garden. What a disgrace.

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Taming naughty Saint Augustine. The one that’s the most difficult to tame is the one that we are all attracted to. People seem to be masochists in their need to make their lives difficult. Whether it’s the dirty girl, or the man with the shady past, danger and turmoil seem to be the most attractive qualities. Our lawns are no different.

Saint Augustine is the impossible-to-catch Unicorn of the grass world Grown naturally in tropical climates, this thick shag carpet-like grass is the envy of anyone with a yard. So thick that it becomes a turf crowding out all weeds. Augustine has a very temperamental personality. Not liking extended periods of shade, Saint Augustine works best in southern climates. You are also going to need soil high in acidity and alkaline. Constant fertilizing and protection from pests, this is not a maintenance-free grass, but your efforts will be worth it. Only the persistent and lucky will be able to tame Saint Augustine, but those that do will be rewarded with a lawn so lush it could be watered with your neighbor’s drool.

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MEET THE

LAWNMATES


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ADVICE WITH

BUNNY FLOWERS


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Aren’t my flowers so pretty?

Aren’t those bunnies so cute?


Get your head out of the clouds, those flowers are growing like weeds and those bunnies are eating your seedlings. This is what I have to say about bunnies and flowers. Firstly, flowers should be the frame to your lawn. Think of your lawn as an immaculate painting, something that’s intricate and timeless. Now you don’t want to go messing that up by having a bunch of neon clashing colors poking up everywhere. When it comes to flowers, a little goes a long way. Pick a color and stick with it. While we are at it, flowers aren’t all that functional. Girls do like the occasional posy, but outside of that they don’t do much good. The space that flowers take up could be better used by planting vegetables, fruit, or wait for it, fragrant plants to repel pests. Think about mint, garlic, or sage.

Talking about repelling pests, bunnies are the cutest hell beasts there are. The little bunchy tail and squinched-up nose, those watery eyes, so soft, just want to squeeze…No, stop it.

Get that cuteness out of your head. Rabbits are pests, adorable pests, but there’s nothing adorable about a barren lawn. They will eat everything that your lawn has to offer and guess what? They mate like rabbits. Even if you get rid of one, another is probably going to take its place. What do you do about this flop-eared hydra that threatens your yard? Having a bigger pet often helps. Dogs and cats don’t get along with rabbits outside of cute internet videos, so let them put in some work and patrol your lawn keeping rabbits away. The bigger the pet the better protection for your lawn, but be careful with this. You really don’t want to have to worry about convincing a ten-foot python that your lawn isn’t for him either. Hopefully some of you will take my advice and will not face total lawn destruction. Stay vigilant.

MOWER WAX

MAKES CARS JEALOUS Your mower gives a shine to your lawn. RETURN THE FAVOR.


LOREUM IPSUM

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MEET THE

ANIKA

editors’ note

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LAWNSCAPING

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editors’ note

YOUR MOWER

&

YOU


your words

“Two thumbs and four hoofs up!”

Buying a mower is like falling in love. The anticipation of going to a dealer is going to give you that butterfly-inthe-stomach feeling. But just like finding your significant other, there are many different types of mowers out there and you need to find the right one for you. There are two distinctions in riding mowers: the tractor series and the zero turn model. Each does very different things. Your tractor series is a prime example of versatility: it has added attachments, can be used to haul or plow and can mow like a champion. For those who care solely about mowing, you are going to want to go with a zero turn model. This is a precision mowing machine. This will mow and edge your lawn, making it look like God’s green chest hair. Some people are going to find it excessive to have a riding mower if you only have three square feet of grass to mow. While there is never anything excessive about a John Deere, there is an alternative for you.

Head vs hoof only on KLWN

Walk-behind mowers give you the same mowing capabilities in a smaller package. With rear discharge and collection you can mow your lawn, leaving it pristine and trimming-free. Push mowers, avoid them. They served their purpose and cemented their place in history, but retire these fossils. They leave shaggy thatch everywhere and by the time you’re done mowing, you’re going to be too tired to go back and pick it all up. Some advice to follow, “If it ain’t yellow or green you’re gonna scream.” You can’t go wrong with a John Deere.

Visit

www.johndeereshow.com for live broadcasts


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13

Vanilla or chocolate, cats or dogs, seed or sod? The long debate as old as lawn care itself. There are grassboys on both sides of this argument, each praising their side while condemning the other. Seeding is the natural way to fill out your lawn. Planting a seed in soil is the way that nature intended lawns to be grown. Sodding is unnatural. Leaving rolled-up sod out makes it at risk to dehydration, fragile roots, and bent blades. Sodding is the only way to start a lawn in the modern world. Leave the seed growing to professionals. All you need to do is roll it out. Seeding is for old timers with too much time on their hands. Throwing seeds around your yard, you might as well just start a buffet for birds. Whichever you decide, it’s all grass. The important thing is that your lawn looks good. Remember, seed, sod– at least it’s not Astro Turf.

LAWNSCAPING

October


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