President Barack Obama’s first State of the Union address last week has been big news of late. Undoubtedly all of you, like me, were absolutely glued to the numbing glow of the television as his confident, cocky baritone invaded our homes and indoctrinated our children. In case you did have something better to do last Wednesday, we feel that it is our journalistic duty (lol…doody…poop… diarrhea. Oops, I spilled my iced tea) to fill you in on what you may have missed. President B-rock (his DJ Hero name) strode into the chamber, alongside many prolific legislators and Harry Potter, in top form – greeting the people who hate him with a smarmy grin and false endearment. As he approached the podium, it was obvious this was going to be an historic evening of transparency and candor. Sure enough, after the formal and customary opening and welcome to those in attendance, B-rock got to brass tacks. The speech opened to raucous applause and the President then uttered his first words, “Shiiiiiit. I know shit’s real [explicit deleted] up right now.” That statement alone set the tone for the rest of the night and set a new precedent for future presidents of our great nation to follow. To say that our President is a proud black man would be an understatement, and he certainly left us no pause to consider him as anything other than such. Throughout his entire speech, which encompassed everything from health care to the wars in the Middle East to fat children of our nation, the President was letting us know how much HE had done this past year.
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Irreverent look at Obama’s First Year In point of fact, during the duration of his oration, President B-rock gave reference and accolades to himself a total of 97 times. 97 times, really?! Yes, really. I read the speech, I counted the self-diluted statements. I do not believe, in all my years of listening to and reading Presidential speeches, that I have ever heard another president, save for Chester A. Arthur (that guy was so damn full of himself), pay homage to their own ineffectiveness that many times. Hell, even George W. Bush managed to keep from patting himself on the back in his speeches and he was a blithering putz. As for the content of our first ever State of the Union by a black President, can’t say first black man because before Lincoln all State of the Union speeches were read by slaves so the current President could save his voice for dirty talk during sex, he expressed his deep concerns over many topics. The first we were lambasted with was his nowfamous battle cry for change (YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN!). The fact that he is still on this bandwagon for change is commendable. ``No other President in our history has ever stuck to his campaign promise so ardently. Of course, no other President ever had a campaign promise that also doubled as a spelling test word for third graders. He addressed the fact that millions of Americans share varied thoughts and anxieties about the future of our nation and themselves, as well as many communicable and sexual diseases. B-rock also told us, lovingly, that our economy is still in the toilet; that we need to fix the back-
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â€œI saw the Mickey Mouse underwear and thought of you,â€? ~ Georgia
S E L I F Obama
I'm sure you are all aware that President Obama gave a State of the Union Address last wednesday, but as our front page writer has already so eloquently handled that little tid bit of news, I figured I would discuss something of greater importance. Did you realize that President Obama was black? I know, I know, a huge deal was made about it during the election, but when I see him speak, I just completely forget that he is black. It's incredible. He must truly be a post racial President to be able to pull this off. I guess we truly have moved past the silly racial struggles in this country, and now we can come together and tackle the issues before us--all because I forgot the President was black.* *Chris Matthews, you're a blithering idiot.
RamBELLE of the Week
Briana is one swell gal! She is majoring in social work, so she likes to help people; and she plays rugby, so she likes to hurt people. She's just altogether wellrounded like no one else. She's also really sweet most of the time, unless you make fun of her. Then she'll hit you-and she can hit pretty hard for a girl. Seriously though, she's an awesome person who is a lot of fun to be around. And she has a cool last name. Everyone make sure to poke Briana at least twice this week, and go see her hit people at the rugby game this Saturday. Peace, love, and macaroni.
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Top Ten Things men understand about women: 10. 9. 8. 7. 6. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1. literally running around the country tackling fat kids and shoving salad and vitamins down their throats. It was a picContinued from cover ture perfect segue into his health lash from the bank bailout that care banter, something new that the entire country hated. Funny none of us have ever heard bething about that was he also said fore. he supported the bailout so as “This problem is not going to not to cause problems with the go away…and neither am I,” Bprevious administration. rock touted. And then he called the bailI am unsure whether he out, a bailout he desired only a meant that he was going to live year and a half ago, a root canal forever or just never give up the for America. He then went on to Oval Office now that he is our talk about taxes or something, I President. And the way to fix the sort of faded in and out at that health care problem, according point – taxes are boring. Alto B-rock, is to kill old people though he did mention his upand support after-birth abortions. coming vacation to Tampa, Flor“Try something new.” ida, that was a bit of narcissistic That’s what he said. Presirelief. And he also begged for a dent B-rock wants us to move new jobs bill to be placed on his forward with fetal stem cell redesk by the end of the month – search and cryogenic freezing of what a prostitute. hate mongers to promote unity. And before I forget, the esNext, we were told that the teemed President B-rock sent a war in Iraq was coming to an shout out to his hoe. He pointed end in August, whether or not out Michele Obama and gave her Iraq was ready, we are set to mad props for tackling the fat abandon them to their own pugikid problem in our country. And listic wiles. I don’t mean she’s trying to preAnd while I must admit, it is vent childhood obesity, she’s about time we stopped this frivo-
lous war over nothing, how can we logistically accomplish this, or for that matter how can we play humanitarian and abandon Iraq but still say we need to help Haiti? And finally, finally, after like 2 hours of banter, B-rock dropped the last topic on us – education. Our education system sucks, he said. It costs too much and we get very little out of it in the way of intelligent children. He desires our education system to be more like China or India, focusing on science and math instead of stupid things like art, music, and reading. In order for America to be the global superpower B-rock wants us to be so he can be supreme overlord of Earth, we must educate children and leave those who are too stupid or fat behind. We are headed back to the good old days where the dumb children get left behind. The NCLB legislation is outdated, Brock said, and was really only enacted by the previous administration to make the thenPresident feel better about barely
scraping by with his own cocaine-addled education. The only good thing to come from his plan is the debt relief for college students wherein a student will only have to pay 10% of his income toward a loan and if it is not paid off in 20 years, the debt is eradicated and the slate wiped clean of ever having to deal with that debt again. In addition, Pell grant amounts are going to be boosted to make the exorbitant fees of pretentious universities (some would argue like this one) more affordable to those who are unable to dole out astronomical cash. The speech went as planned, with the exception of a few topics and a gate crashing couple trying to get on a reality show so they could free the Heine family from jail. B-rock’s first year wasn’t so bad after all, if you consider his ineffectual leadership and inability to get anything he promised done a success – which he does, so that’s all that matters. - Samuel Clemens
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Dump Your Significant Jerk (Keep the insignificant ones though) Sunday:
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Dear John 1:00 2:30 4:00 5:30 7:00 8:30 10:00pm
Plimsoll Day Thursday:
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Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel 2:10 4:40 7:40 10:35pm
date, you know you'd say yes)
An Education 1:10 4:10 7:10 10:10pm
Satisfied Staying Single Day
someone asked you on a Valentine's
Legion 2:25 4:55 7:55 10:50pm The Book of Eli 1:20 4:20 7:20 10:20pm The Lovely Bones 1:25 4:25 7:25 10:25pm Sherlock Holmes 4:05 10:05pm
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Robert Downey Jr., Jude Law, Rachel McAdams (mmm… she's hot), I knew this movie was going to be good. We all have heard of Sherlock Holmes, but with the exception of those literature nerds out there, we probably didn't know much except that he was a detective and liked to say, "Elementary, my dear Watson." (which I must say, I was a little disappointed that he never said that in this movie) This movie made this vibrant character come alive to all of us, and best I can tell, the book nerds liked it too. It had more action than you might expect in a detective movie, it had a fair amount of drama, but most of all, it had suspense, intrigue, and it let you inside the mind of a genius. Robert Downey Jr. gave a brilliant performance, and the movie kept me interested from start to finish. It employed a similar tactic as The Illusionist in that it was not until the very end of the story that you finally understood exactly what had been going on this entire time. I have seen it twice now, and I am anxious for a third time. This movie has earned a B+. I believe (though I'm not sure) that it is still in theaters, so go enjoy.
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