Vol. 10, Issue 4 April 15, 2011 (Happy Tax Day!)
Angelo Stateâ€™s Finest Paper Since Fall 2006 On the Internet @ Ramdiculous.com
Life’s lessons learnt from a really scary dude By Lassie Molasses Everyone does bad things as a kid—you don’t clean your room or whatever your transgression is—but for one darling little second grader the crime of taking something out of her mommy's purse without asking first met her with the dumbest if not scariest punishment she's ever had. Imagine: there she is, sitting in the living room reading (because she’d been terminally grounded from TV for kicking a vacuum and then turning the TV on—but I digress; that is a story for another time) when in comes her mom. Little girl is told to get in the car. Blindly like a lemming, she follows and does what she is told, and proceeds to plant butt to seat and
buckle up. Next thing she knows, she is entering a halfway house where her mother has a convict yell at her for stealing. This guy was huge!!! Covered in tats and all around about the equivalent of the boogie man to her. This yelling at lasts for hours she sits there thinking, OMG, will
this ever end? He tells her the horrors of prison, and how if she didn’t stop taking things without asking she’d end up there and then get constantly beat up by some hulking brute named Betty Joe or something like that.
Finally he finishes, she's in tears and truly flipped out for taking her mommy's hair brush when all of a sudden said scary guy smiles and buys her a pack of Juicy Fruit from the vending machine—it was the most random way to end a punishment she had ever had. And to this day she cannot eat Juicy Fruit out of the fear that some big scary convict will come out and say, “If you ever take anything without asking again, then I’LL FIND YOU... YAR!”
Lassie Molasses is the Ramdiculous Page’s Crime and Punishment editor. She also has a thing for orange juice, blah blah, yakkety smakkety.
Quote of the Week “Sudoku just makes me want to shoot myself in the face every time I see it.” -Christine Boswell (Disgruntled Ramdiculist who hates that we brought back the Sudoku. Oh well.)
Vol. 10, Issue 4 Something to read in class today Top Editor Bryce J. Parsons R
Artists and Writers The Usual Ramdiculists & Goons U
Jenny don’t change your number Eight six seven five three oh nieeeiiine G
Published every other Friday and available to students on campus. This newspaper does not express the opinions of any writer, editor, or anyone affiliated with Angelo State University or the Texas Tech University System or this newspaper. We welcome all letters, tweets, and other such nonsense. Please include your name, position, and an email address. All submissions are considered property of the Ramdiculous Page and will not be returned, EVER. Submit your letters, articles, and/or secret crush via our email, email@example.com, or our website, www.ramdiculous.com. Opinions in any letter or writing are not necessarily those of the staff, nor should any opinion expressed in a public forum be construed as the opinion or policy of the administration or the Ramdiculous Page. By submitting anything to the Ramdiculous Page, you are giving the Ramdiculous Page permission to use your Facebook and/or MySpace profile in any way the Ramdiculous Page deems usable, unless expressed in writing. If you are an professor you need not worry, we will not use your profiles. Also—Batman vs. Deadpool: who would win?
Ram of the Week: Jennifer Rystrom Meet Jennifer. She is über-smart. She is also über-accident-prone, just like her compadre, former Ram of the Week Christine “Iron Maiden” Boswell (see Quote of the Week). And I thought Christine was klutzy. Jennifer hurt her foot playing soccer while trying to kill the competition, dude! However, her killer instincts still make her able to hunt wild game in the forest at night with nothing but her bare hands and teeth. Yowza. Also, she practices good oral hygiene. Her teeth, which we just mentioned in the paragraph above, are freakishly white. You will go blind if you look at her teeth when she smiles. It’s like the SUN, but less yellow.
Pictured: Hunting instincts
What we’re saying is, her smile is like sunshine. Now isn’t that a nice thing to say?
DISC GOLF TOURNAMENT
the incredible question
April 30, 2011 @ 8:00 am In front of the University Center
1st Annual AAS Robert G. Carr, Sr. Fundraiser For more info, contact Kirk Trevena at (325) 300-6942
Word of the Day: sesquipedalian (n.): 1.) A person who uses long words. 2.) A long word.
Picture of the Week: Showing support
Poetry Time. Ode to Student Life By Miss C. Boz
Oh, Student Life You’re such a delight I really REALLY hate staying up Real late at night. Writing my papers, Studying for exams, Freaking out ‘cuz our paper Was under the fan. As it twirled and twirled, The blades coming closer I feared for the life Of our darling news-poser. (LOL) I prayed that our overseers Would grant a reprieve That we’d be able To pull an ace out our sleeve. And win the game To print again So that we wouldn’t Be faced with shame.
I’ll always be there for you. Even in the loo.
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Top Ten Idiots who need prison time 10.) THE HOFF 9.) Pepsi execs for not bringing back Crystal Pepsi 8.) Kanye West, for EVERYTHING HE DOES, EVER 7.) Danny Bonaduce 6.) Miley Cyrus, for being mean to her dad. Shame on her. 5.) Mel Gibson 4.) The Joker 3.) What’s-his-name Sheen? 2.) Keith Greer-May, for...well, hell, we couldn’t think of anyone else. 1.) Justin Bieber
Bobronomicon (Ladies please) WEIRD THINGS By Robert Thompson At least once every two weeks for as long as I can remember a female has annoyed me in more or less the same way. “You don’t know the pressures society puts on women to be thin.” The wording changes but that’s the sentiment. Gentlemen, you can stop reading here and hand your copy to the nearest female. Done? Alright. Ladies, the notion that all men are looking for skinny women just isn’t true. There are nicer ways to say it but most of us just don’t care. Only a minority of men prefer skinny women. If you want proof, ask us and we will tell you to your face that being too thin is at least as much of a
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turn off as being too fat. Better still consult one of the numerous online polls or television programs that deal with this sort of thing. Christina Hendricks, Kim Kardashian, Vida Guerra, and Salma Hayek are all sex symbols and none of them is rail thin. Assertions about societal pressure on women’s weight also suggest that this is a uniquely female issue, and it is not. Men are also held up to physical scrutiny, I should know, I’m a fat guy. The truth is that for every Jessica Alba you see there is a Daniel Craig that we see, and man or woman I doubt there are many of us who are happy with how we look. Maybe we complain less, or maybe you have better publicists, but we all have an image of perfection to strive for and I’m not so convinced that’s a bad thing. So please, before you agree with a woman who says this, or worse still say it yourself, ask two simple questions: Who exactly is putting this pressure on you? And are you the only one feeling the crush?
By Thomas Nast MANKATO, MN—An alien spacecraft landed in an ancient field populated by ancient Viking ghosts, according to locals. However, the landing was interrupted when the Loch Ness Monster and Bigfoot had an allout brawl for no apparent reason. “I nearly spontaneously combusted, it was SO awesome,” said Martin Whiffleball, a local who apparently believes that awesomeness is volatile. Meanwhile, Chuck Norris showed up to kick someone, but everyone reminded him that this isn’t 2007 anymore and those jokes are old.
Laconic Trope of the Day
Nothing Can Save Us Now “A Stock Phrase someone says in the face of failure right before the arrival of a Deus Ex Machina.”
TV Tropes will ruin your life. Read them at tvtropes.org.
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Difficulty: 24 (Hard)
OMG! WE BROUGHT BACK THE SUDOKU!