Angelo State’s Finest Paper Since Fall 2006
A NEW YEAR, A NEW DIRECTION?
Volume 6, Issue 1 Insane Answering Message Day January 30, 2008
Share and share alike is a phrase whose origins are largely unknown. Nonethe‐ less this phrase is often used, especially with small children, to stress the idea that being selfish is a terrible attribute to possess. Our parents, teachers, and even some of the more nosy parents of our friends try mightily to convince us that we should share everything that we have to make others, as well as our‐ selves, feel, on the whole, happier about who we are. But, sooner or later, that trait is lost to us all. We are sucked in by the popular mentality that we should be looking out for number one, namely ourselves. This is especially true of any number of college campuses, or‐ ganizations, and even governing bodies. But what would happen if the idea of share and share alike were carried out and continued throughout people's lives? Wouldn't the world, by virtue of the idyllic thought that sharing people are happier people, be an all together better place? Certainly we can hope so. Take for instance, our own fair campus. What if we, as a collective body, took it upon ourselves to begin this idea of sharing equally? Could we not better our surroundings and the lives of every‐ one around us if we were all equal parts of the whole instead of relying on oth‐
By: Samuel Clemens ers to lord over us? A like‐minded col‐ lective of people is surely more effective than a structured caste system. That is why I believe that we, the students of ASU, should adopt and enact a more fair and balanced idea of community. We should all live in harmony with one an‐ other and transform ourselves and our campus into a progressive, autonomous, Communist utopia ‐ the first ever in the history of higher education. Oh, I am sure many of your backs bristled at the mention of the word Communist, but when you really think about it, Commu‐ nism IS the American dream. Go ahead, laugh, I won't mind. I can explain this to you. When you hear the word Commu‐ nism, I am sure there are any number of crazed thoughts that cross your mind. You think of Russia, or Marx, or Stalin, or Lenin, perhaps even Castro or Trot‐ sky. All of whom failed at achieving the pure Communist state, but not because the idea of Communism itself is a terri‐ ble though, rather because other phi‐ losophic ideals from seemingly greater world powers imposed their will. Pure Communism is a state of existence where production and policy are de‐ cided upon by the Continued on page 3
Picture of the week
Quote of the Week
“There's a fine line between genius and sarcasm” ‐Garrett Lively
Knowing Knature By: D’ino I’talles Coming to you post‐live from the explosions are what literally This energy then drives a series the rocket. As the explosive en‐ depths of the known universe, drive us around the place. But of gears and drive shafts that ergy is pushed away from the we bring you our unique tales of how is this physics? Isn’t an ex‐ propel the car forward. Well, ok, combustion chamber the laws of exploration and exploitation of plosion a chemical reaction of but what about a rocket you ask? Newton take hold. For every the realm of physics. And now sorts? Indeed it is, however, it is Rockets don’t have pistons you reaction there is an equal yet for your enjoyment – this seg‐ not the explosion that is the say? Well, this is true, but rock‐ opposite reaction! Force of ex‐ ment on propulsion: By far one means of propulsion rather the ets work on an entirely different plosion going down pushes the of the most important this that control of the explosion. Every physical principal: Thrust! Rock‐ rocket up, propelling us to new physics has allowed us to study is car that is on the roads today is ets take liquid oxygen and liquid heights and farther horizons. the phenomenon of propulsion. an engine of destruction and hydrogen and mix the two to‐ This is the realm of physics – ap‐ It is by this means that we move explosiveness. Each one har‐ gether then combust them plying the principles of the from one place to another by nesses the explosions contained (see?!? Physics is all about explo‐ worlds around us to seek out the means other than walking – within its tiny yet powerful en‐ sions!!). The resulting explosion undiscovered country that awaits which can be tiresome. It is fasci‐ gine. Gas is pumped in, a spark – which is sustained so long as us just over the horizon. nating to note at this point that ignites the gas (which is mixed there is fuel present – is forced most all propulsion methods with oxygen) and the resulting through a specially designed come from destructive means explosion drives a piston. The nozzle which focuses the energy Thanks for reading, and as al‐ placed under control. What it is key is in the pistons – these tools of the explosion into a down‐ ways… I’m talking about? Explosions! take the explosive energy and ward direction. Or as is the case …see ya around the galaxy! Yes that’s right dear readers, turn it into mechanical energy. in space – a direction away from
LEMONS ARE GOOD FOR SEX When push comes to shove, eat a lemon. Lemons are sour. Sour flavors seem to permeate the skin. Skin grafts are useful if you are burned in a fire. Fire in the sky. Sky rockets in flight, after‐ noon delight. Delight in the ways of the Lord. Lord Tennyson was a poet. Poets are people who write poetry. Poetry is a form of writing in which the words often seem to rhyme. Rhyme scheme is how poems are made. Made is a show on MTV that takes pathetic losers and transforms them into slightly improved versions of losers. Losers are the ones who score the least amount of points in a game. Game on! On is a position of a light switch. Switch hitting is a euphe‐ mism for being bisexual. Bisexuals are creepy. Creepy things make people feel awkward and lonely. Lonely teardrops is a song from the 1950's that some guy sings. Sing, sing a song. Song is a poem set to music. Music is noise that is ar‐ ranged in a pleasing manner so that you don't think you are going to go prema‐ turely deaf. Deaf people can do amazing things. Things are objects that are of amorphous shapes and are often nonde‐ script because of sloth. Sloth is an ani‐ mal that moves very slowly. Slowly, slowly the boat sank to the bottom of
By: Albert Einstein the sea. Sea gulls are annoying birds that are always hungry. Hungry people die more quickly than people who have food. Food is any manner of sustenance that one ingests to maintain health. Health issues are the predominant rea‐ son people seem to die. Dying is a part of life, or so they tell us at funerals be‐ cause they have nothing better to say. Say, brother can you spare a dime. Dime is an amount of marijuana you can buy, typically for about twenty bucks. Bucks are deer. Deer jerky tastes really good. Good things come to those who wait is just a way of saying leave me the hell alone. Alone is how people feel when there is no one else around. Around the bend there is a tree. Trees can grow to be hundreds of feet tall. Tall girls are often mistaken as dudes or lesbians. Lesbians enjoy many fine traditions in the bedroom. Bedrooms often have beds in them so that people can do disgusting things in them. Them is an innocuous way of saying people. People are disgusting creatures of habit. Habits often are things that we do because we are bored or perverted. Perverted peo‐ ple have sex with weird things like lem‐ ons.
The Eggheads of Today Ahh, good ol’ Trey. What a guy! As far as my experience has taken me, there is only one man alive who can teach you Calculus one day, and school you in a unicycle race the next. Of the eggheads I know, his head is the least eggy. I’ll let you ponder what I mean by that. Trey is certainly one of the best there is at dumbing down com‐ plicated math concepts to the point that they become under‐
s t a n d a b l e . Some people, such as Dr. Di‐ minie, may suggest that this is simply because he really doesn’t understand it either, but I disagree. I think this is a brilliant man, full of knowl‐ edge and fun and a squishy marshmallow center. The only way he could be better would be if he could just be more like Dr. Huckaby.
Dr. John C. “Trey” Smith, III 2
Horoscopes Aires‐ I think gas prices are going up. Eat more beans! Taurus‐ drinking water makes you fat. You better try the diet water. There’s no fat in diet water. Gemini‐ howdy do good neighbor? I see you bein’ gangsta! Cancer‐ there are some weird, nasty people on TV right now. Leo‐ trying to write this and chat with your cousin is kind of hard. Virgo‐ how much does an ele‐ phant weigh? Yea... the good kind? Libra‐ for you, Dr. Rallo Scorpio‐ holy crap! It’s a flying donkey! Why is a flying don‐ key flying over San Angelo? I do wonder…. Sagittarius‐ that vitamin/
supplement “airborne” is a hoax. Do you want to make it cheap? Get seltzer water, and a crap ton of vitamin C, and voila! Capricorn‐ GOOGLY WOOGLY Aquarius‐ I just noticed my apartment has 7 doors. And its less than 700 sq. ft. how pointless is that?
Rambelle of the Week Codi Craddock
Codi is pretty much the cool‐ Oh, and est person you’ll ever meet. t h e y She’s also one of the best b o t h study mates you’ll ever p r o u d l y have. Too bad she’s already s u p p o r t graduated and doesn’t have the Ram‐ to study anymore. Lucky diculous Page. That’s why girl… we like them so much. Not She also has a really cool cause they’re cool or any‐ boyfriend. His name is Kevin. thing. Just cause they like us.
(July 16, 2008, Italy) Gerhard Adolf Zeitler Plattner, 68, was queued at a traffic light in his Porsche Cayenne sports car. Be‐ fore one reaches the light, there is a railroad crossing. As you might imagine, given Murphy's Law, a train was coming. The man did not let the queue progress forward far enough before he crossed the railroad. The safety bars came down, leaving the Porsche trapped on the rails. It took the driver awhile to realize he was stuck, according to witnesses. Finally, he jumped from the car and started to run ‐‐ toward the oncoming train, waving his arms in an attempt to save his car! The attempt was successful. The car received less damage than its owner. He was pushed hard enough to land 30 meters away, and attempts to revive him were unsuccessful.
We are your voice, the voice of the Students of Angelo State. Be heard, we would like to know what you love about ASU, what you hate about ASU and what you think needs to be changed around here. We are here for YOU! If you have a comment, complaint, concern, or question, don’t hesitate to contact us. Via email email@example.com, via phone (325) 942‐2063, via our suggestion box in the UC, in our office UC 133 or even come attend our meetings at 6 PM on Monday nights.
entire populous democrati‐ cally. Oh, what? Democracy in Communism? Surely you Continued from cover jest. Nope, not a bit. Democ‐ racy, as it pertains to politics, is a way of allowing the peo‐ ple of a state to participate ‐ an idea that our existing gov‐ ernment has been able to exploit. Within the democratic political state then, Economics is able to be manipulated to favor those who favor themselves ‐ Capitalism. An eye for an eye, what's mine is mine and you're screwed. But within Communism, the economic AND political stratagems and policies are formed by all people and voted on by all people, the key word being ALL. So why can't we enact that here at ASU? It would certainly be a step in the right direction as far as ballooning tuition, housing, and educational supplemen‐ tary costs are concerned. Not to mention that it would cre‐ ate a more harmonious balance between every underlying clique that exists on campus at present. Which, with our new President now firmly in office, America seems to be moving in at least a more Socialist direction, so why not go that extra step past the intermediary and go Communist. In the coming weeks, I will attempt to delineate this thought further for your consideration, but for now I simply wanted to introduce to you an idea for thought.
Awkwardness... I had the most horrifying experience in college life. So my roommate told me that I should stop knocking on our bed‐ room door because I live there too. So I did and I was mind‐ ing my own business on my way to deliver my roommate something I promised her and I walk in on her you know do‐ ing the dirty. I’m so embarrassed. Now the reason I am writ‐ ing you is for that one column that has the awkward stuff… and this situation is the most awkward I have ever been in my life…I am eternally scarred.
now an interactive media experience
MILLION DOLLAR IDEAS By: Edwin A. Abbot Ah, what a glorious break. I hope your Christmas was as event‐filled as mine, especially considering I got to watch the Choklahoma Sooners yet again lose another title game. No, but really, as Christmas began to approach I felt the need to do something with my idle time. Being lazy and lounging around the house was simply not fulfill‐ ing anymore, and I decided that I would become a part‐time entrepreneur. When you have a lot of time on your hands you can come up with some crazy ideas. The ideas have been as‐ signed a dollar sign ranking sys‐ tem based on how profitable I think they could be: •Ugly or disfigured manne‐
quins. Think about it, every mannequin you see in the store is anatomically correct. If you had a piece of clothing on one of these puppies, people would immediately realize that it's not just because the mannequin looks good that the clothes look good. Think along the lines of the clothes making the man, after all if you can make a terri‐ ble looking mannequin look good with the clothes, imagine what those clothes could do for a handsome young fellow like me. People would be buying your clothes like crazy, even if it is just a gimmick. $$$$ •Drinks that are hot on the out‐ side but cold on the inside. Seri‐ ously, there are times when it is freezing cold and you want that frosty Dr. Pepper real bad but know that when you go outside with it it will likely stick to your hand. I don't know that there is technology for this, but I am going to engineer cups that keep your hand warm while your drink remains icy cool. Coozies today are probably the closest thing, but they can be improved upon in my opinion. $$$$$$
•Do it yourself laser hair re‐ moval kit. I shave about every other day, and even when I do shave every other day I still look like a wooly mammoth at the end of that second day. Maybe my friends are right and I am like a folk hero that was just born with a five o' clock shadow, but I really hate shav‐ ing a lot, and I hear girls aren't digging the Paul Bunyan look these days. My idea is to make laser hair removal cheap and portable. $$ •People that will talk your s*** for you. I don't know about you, but some days people do little things that make you ex‐ tremely angry. So angry, you feel if you berate them you are just stressing yourself out more. I think you could make a ton of money if you would be willing to talk a lot of mess about people like Seth Cho‐ mout for a nominal fee for someone else. Not only can you avoid a potential beatdown that would ensue, but if you made the price high enough I'm sure they would be willing to say just about anything. $ (Because Seth Chomout is likely
going to kill me after this article and I will not see any profit anyway.) •Things that are made to be broken. I know, it sounds really emo, but there are many times throughout the day where I just need to break stuff, and my universal remote for the third time in a row is just not going to cut it. It would be super cool if you could design something that looks like its really expen‐ sive but is actually pretty cheap and smashes into a million pieces. Really, things like this could come in handy. $$$$$$ •Cool idea memory book. How many times have you come up with a cool idea that will proba‐ bly make you a ton of money, but later on you can't remem‐ ber? Imagine the millions on top of millions you could make (or lose), by remembering your half‐baked ideas to the T. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Well, that just about covers most of my ideas. Thanks.
Top Ten Things to eat on super bowl Sunday
10. Pizza 9. Popcorn 8. Chips and Queso 7. Chips and Salsa 6. Burgers 5. Pizza Rolls 4. Beer (drink unless you’re Baptist) 3. Nachos 2. Peanuts 1. Your mom
We M3$$3d Up Umm, we have messed up in the past...so we are going to fix it here. So here is the first thing we messed up on this semester, we don’t have anything to put here, because we are lazy… and we are late to print. We hope
you like the new layout and if you miss something that is not here anymore, we would love to hear from you. www.ramdiculous.com Good Day!
sing like nobody can hear you, dance like no one can see, and love as if the person you loved, would be the last you will see.
Campus Reflections The New Face Of ASU
By: Joan of Arc
To any student with two eyes it is still hasn’t) and then building an‐ obvious the facelift that our won‐ other residence hall. Don’t get me derful campus is undergoing. wrong, growing student popula‐ There’s more shade by the UC tion is a good thing on the finan‐ now. That’s pretty cool. However, cial end of all this university busi‐ I don’t think the common student ness, but the headache caused by is aware of what really is going to such undertakings will probably happen to our campus in the com‐ leave Angelo State with less stu‐ ing months. You should be dents then normal before she gets warned. All these seemingly won‐ more. I know I won’t appreciate derful advancements to our com‐ the mess that will be created mon grounds all are just to butter along Dena Street as that project up the student body and faculty gets underway. The UC will proba‐ members for the really big bly see a hack of a lot more busi‐ chances that are coming‐ and all ness because no student will want of those may not be so pretty. On to maneuver a maze just to get to top of the additional eating space the Cafeteria. By building a new in the UC, the covered walking residence hall in place of Univer‐ area by the Library, and most no‐ sity Hall that will mean more per‐ ticeable, the addition of Centen‐ manent parking for its residents, nial Village (which, by the way, which in turn will mean less park‐ still is under construction) the ing for students whom do not Hardeman building will undergo a reside on campus. Is this actually major tear‐up and re‐build. Oh an underlying plot to increase the yes, and everyone thinks the park‐ amount of students who live on ing is bad now! Just wait until campus past their second year? Or construction crews close off the it’s maybe an agenda to fight the parking for that building. My ad‐ growing obesity problem in Amer‐ vice: buy a bike, because parking ica? Don’t drive to school, walk! will no longer be an option. An‐ You’ll get to class faster anyway! other “little” project up on their All I can say is best of luck to you, list: finally imploding University the future of ASU, because I’m Hall (which was suppose to hap‐ going to high‐tail it out of here! pen when I was a freshman and
Weekly Rant By: George Ferguson I know the title say “Weekly bowl with just the right Rant”, but what it should amount of enthusiasm. Furi‐ really say is “Aunt Jemima ously I rammed the faucet saves the world”. I say this to the “on” position and because, on a recent trip to grabbed about 1.3 gallons my over‐infested shopping of water. Since I am not in location, I became attacked possession of a beater, I by an over‐whelming urge heinously used a fork to mix to make pancakes. I picked the water and syrup to‐ up some good stuff (mix‐ gether. This took the better wise). Then I obviously part of my afternoon, and I needed some topping to go am glad to say that it was on top (because that’s what worth it. After 4 hours of topping means). Guess beating, the mix was silky what I saw!!!!! I bet you smooth, much like howard can’t! I saw some SUGAR stern’s hair. I was so caught FREE AUNT JEMIMA’S PAN‐ up in my beating that I for‐ CAKE SYRUP!!!! I know what got to grab a pan to cook you are thinking…No the perfect ‘cakes in. aware freakin’ way dude. But I'm of the dire predicament I here to offer my personal was now in, I ripped the testimony that there really doors off my cabinet with is heaven on earth. Need‐ such force that only Monte‐ less to say, I bought the en‐ zuma and his revenge could tire bottle. Yes, I acciden‐ be proud. I turned my stove tally the whole thing. The on to the highest setting entire thing!!!! All $3. (which causes death) and When I got home I decided gently with much TLC set that I was well on my way my beloved pan on the to a perfect body. You stove (a Teflon pan, mind know, the kind that has 13 you). When my pan reached abs, 4 biceps, and several the ever sexy degree of pan‐ latissimus dorsis. All with cake cooking, I carefully below 2% body fat. I will be sprayed some non stick a tank. So hurriedly and spray on the beautiful pan. with much passion I tore As I gingerly poured the open the package of pan‐ pancake mix in the cake mix. I was sweating bowl……..ah screw it. I'm with intensity. I grabbed the bored. I'm done. largest mixing bowl in my possession. I slammed the I love you entire package of mix in the
AND NOW BOYS AND GIRLS, IT’S POETRY TIME!
When I’m lonely, I simply think these thoughts And all is well:
Daffodils and cherry trees Simple tents and canopies Butterflies and busy bees Dying by the hour Hope is lost among the seas Death lurks amidst the fleas Kill me now, I beg you please Before I lose my power
Who’s This? Jump online to tell us who this is… RAMDICULOUS.COM
The Incredible Question
What was your New Year’s Resolution? This year, I resolved my carpet...that stuff was filthy
Last Weeks Correct Submissions Davina Valles Charlena Lemaster Jessica Lacy
Bartok the Bat
‐Brian Wingert to find the joy in the little things
‐Sarah Ruth gain over 9000 pounds. pass college
‐Cheli Urquiza My resolution was to resolve not to have a resolution, and, therefore, I set realistic and obtainable goal.
Pragmatic Patsy Pragmatic Patsy welcomes you to Spring 2009! You may not be fa‐ miliar with me or what I do—I am an advice columnist whose long, illustrious advice career as well as my many experiences in life, years at a university, and particularly my status as the middle child qualify me to not only listen to your prob‐ lems but give you specific and amazing advice that will improve your life and, bonus, if you rub my belly I grant you a wish. So, send me an e‐mail prag‐ firstname.lastname@example.org. Dear Pragmatic Patsy, What do I do if I have group pro‐ jects in various classes and the group members are incompetent, lazy, drunkards, short to the point of impaired, or the ignorant dicta‐ tor type? How can I manage to make a decent grade on anything?
Dear GGM, You must understand that you will inevitably do all the work. Some professors may let you “fire” a member, but it’s a process and your conscience may not permit you to. The easiest thing for you to do is delegate meaningless tasks to each group member to make them feel as if they contribute so they will hush up about the impor‐ tant decisions regarding the direc‐ tion of the projects you will essen‐ tially complete yourself. Just de‐ cide to devote your entire semes‐ ter to these things and forget about having a social life or being involved in extracurricular activi‐ ties. Its only one semester. Try not to think about how if you weren’t cooped up in the library you could be out meeting the love of your life. Tenderly,
The Gung‐ho Group Member Pragmatic Patsy
The Obama Files Well, I would like to start by congratulating Mr. Barack Obama, our beloved Halfrican American, on his new job. No matter our personal opinions, all are anxious to see what he will do. Even those who do not agree with his Communistic ideas and anti-America principles hope that somehow, by the grace of God, he succeeds, and he can pull us out of this current funk we seem to have fallen in. After all, if his plans fail, the en tire country will be completely screwed, and no rational person would wish someone to fail if that person held the future of a nation in his hands (**cough cough** Rush Limbaugh). So we wish you luck Mr. President. May your days be long, and may your steak be always medium rare. We here at the Obama Files will be keeping a close eye on you, so don’t mess it up.
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Movie Times DOUBT 1:40pm 4:35pm 7:35pm 10:20pm THE UNINVITED 11:25am 1:55pm 4:15pm 7:15pm 9:50pm DEFIANCE 11:55am 3:55pm 8:05pm GRAN TORINO 1:20pm 4:20pm 7:20pm 10:15pm
Ramdiculous Observances Saturday ‐ National Seed Swap Day (LOL...dirty) Sunday ‐ Spunky Old Broads Day (also dirty) Monday ‐ Groundhog Day (fairly self‐explanatory) Tuesday ‐ Liberace Day (dress like a homosexual pianist) Wednesday ‐ USO Day Thursday ‐ Move Hollywood to Lebanon, PA Day (umm...why?)
Movie Review Hello Angelo State Univer‐ sity Rams, Ram Belles and all others who read this fine paper! ^_^ It is I, your Awe‐ some Movie Reviewer Guy and we are back. The paper has got a new look, new fea‐ tures and we are spicing up the old. I am excited and looking forward to it myself; and I know you, as our fine read‐ ers, will enjoy it as well. I per‐ sonally will be bringing you reviews of movies I see, as voted for by you our read‐ ers. If you would like to vote on which movie I shall re‐ view just send an e‐mail to firstname.lastname@example.org or send us a message on Face‐ book. This week I decided to
UNDERWORLD 3 11:40am 2:05pm 4:45pm 7:45pm 10:10pm HOTEL FOR DOGS 1:35pm 4:10pm 7:10pm PAUL BLART MALL COP 11:45am 2:15pm 5:00pm 8:00pm 10:40pm NEW IN TOWN 1:30pm 4:00pm 7:00pm 9:45pm
go see the movie Gran Torino with Clint Eastwood. Walt Kowalski (Eastwood) loses his wife to health com‐ plications and now lives alone. He lives in a neighborhood that has slowly become filled with Hmongs, which does not sit well with the Ko‐ rean War Veteran. K o w a l s k i ’ s neighbor Tao, un‐ der pressure from his cousin’s gang, tries to steal Walt’s car, a 1972 mint‐ condition Gran Torino. Tao gets caught and in order for him to remove the shame he has brought upon his family, he goes to work for Kowalski. Soon, Kowalski is drawn into protecting Tao and his family from the neighborhood gang.
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