Ramdiculous Page Angelo State's Finest Paper Since Fall 2006 Volume 4, Issue 8
Bonza Bottler Day
Second Annual Day Without Shoes
April 4, 2008
Included in this issue:
Ram of the Week
Quote of the Week
Thoughts To Ponder
Some of you may remember last year when the Ramdiculous Page sponsored “A Day Without Shoes.” For the rest of you, I’ll give you the rundown. The idea is this: we are extremely well off here in this country. We have much more than we need. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with this (frankly, I rather enjoy all the things I have), but I do think that as a whole, we don’t appreciate how well off we are. Because everyone around us is pretty much as wealthy as we are, it’s easy to forget that we are still in a very small percentage at the top of the world’s population in wealth. We chose shoes as an example of this concept. Shoes are just one thing that we have come to view as necessary. We view shoes as something we
Picture of the Week The Club at ASU
can’t go without, and I think that’s just not true. Shoes are a luxury. People all over the world go about their entire lives without ever seeing a pair of shoes. Not to say that shoes are bad or that they’re not useful, because they’re not bad, and they are useful, but I think we need to learn to tell the difference between a necessity and a luxury. Use the things you have, but appreciate the fact that you have them, and I think there is no better way to learn to appreciate something that to go without it for a day. So just try it. Join us here at the Ramdiculous Page, and go without your shoes in two weeks on Friday April 18. I think you’ll see that, you can get along just fine without them. And more importantly, I hope that it will make you think
No Shoes? (dramatization) about your life in general, and what you view as “necessities.” If we all were able to view the things we have in the same way that people from less fortunate parts of the world would view them, then I think we would all be more generous. But even if Continued on Page 3
Ramdiculous Observances Saturday - Raisin & Spice Bar Day (Spice it up with Seth and Steve) Sunday - First Twinkie Day (Long with white stuff in the middle, yum) Monday - No Housework Day (does that include homework?) Tuesday - Kurt Cobain's Death Day (Smells Like Teen Spirit, and it is good) Wednesday - Appomattox Day Thursday - 101st Day of the Year (stupid Leap Year...)
Volume 4, Issue 8
The Catholic Church on “Hitman” It's more than a digit's distance from Agent 007 to Agent 47, the protagonist of "Hitman" (20th Century Fox). The former was merely licensed to kill; the latter has been trained to do it since childhood. In this slick but exceedingly violent action film, the nu mb ere d-b ut- no t-n amed killing machine (Timothy Olyphant) -- whose designation comes from the last two numerals in the bar code tattooed onto his bald pate -has already killed dozens of prominent people in all parts of the world. Now he is assigned to assassinate Mikhail Belicoff (Ulrich Thomsen), the president of Russia. His orders come, as always, from "the Agency," a shadowy international organization that not only educates hosts of killers like Agent 47, but also manages to control all the governments of the world. (Belicoff, for whatever reason, is not complying.) So 47 does his usual meticulous job. Yet to his surprise, he later sees the Russian leader on television with his scalp merely grazed. Sensing a double cross and searching for answers, 47 kidnaps the president's girlfriend, Nika (Olga Kurylenko), and the two take to the road. He is pursued by Interpol agent Mike Whittier (Dougray Scott), who has been trying to track him down for years, and by the head of the Russian secret service, Yuri Marklov (Robert Knepper). Not surprisingly, these two refuse to cooperate and instead work at cross purposes. Before the last bullet flies, there's a four-way sword fight in the Moscow subway, a visit to the lair of the
president's narcotics-dealing brother, Udre (Henry Ian Cusick), and a helicopter gunship attack on the living quarters of the Orthodox patriarch. Director Xavier Gens' adaptation of the titular video game is a blood-spilling, bone-crunching rampage with stops along the way for pompous dialogue and misogynistic humor. Thus 47's idea of how to treat a lady includes transporting her in the trunk of his car, side by side with the corpse of her late bodyguard. The beginning and end of the film hint at some sort of limited reformation on 47's part, and there are some philosophical ruminations about how even a good man might find himself forced to kill. But they are quickly drowned out amid the ongoing violence. Agent 47's resolute refusal of Nika's feverish advances, meanwhile, is motivated not by moral reticence, but only because he feels amorous involvement would interfere with his professionalism. Ever the gentleman, when she persists, he jabs her in the neck with a syringe full of sedatives. Viewers of taste will find themselves shaken, not stirred by such proceedings. The film contains pervasive graphic violence, rear and sustained upper-female nudity, nongraphic sexual activity, much rough and some crude language, and two uses of profanity. The USCCB Office for Film & Broadcasting classification is O -- morally offensive. The Motion Picture Association of America rating is R -- restricted. Under 17 requires accompanying parent or adult guardian.
Ram of the Week Gradon Schaub Besides having a funny last name, Gradon is a freakin awesome guy. For one thing, he’s the only person I know who can make a 100 on one of Dr. Pate’s history tests. He’s also the only person I know who has a battalion of ninja monkeys at his command. I mean seriously, that freakin rocks! Gradon, you are one cool dude.
Hey all you Ramdiculous fans, here’s your chance to get in on the action. We want to hear from you what you want from us. We are also looking for some help, so if you can write, let us know, send us some of your stuff. How about photographers, if
you have some pictures send ‘em our way. Are you a artist, draw us a cartoon. Do you have an opinion? Let us know. You can help us. Send your submissions to us @
Awkwardness... When your mom won’t stop asking about your sex (or lack of sex) life. This section of the Ramdiculous Page is for things that make a normal person feel awkward…
Weekly Rant As I sit on my back porch enjoying the marvelous weather, I realize that there may be a person standing in the window across the courtyard staring at me. And that's not the creepy part. The creepy part is that they have not moved for 10 minutes (about the time it takes me to write a few sentences). Anyways, it turns out that my original plan for writing this rant of deliciosity was to hyperventilate for a few minutes, then think of the dumbest thing I could, then of course expound on that. BTW! That “person” that was staring at me is just a coat. But the coat is staring at my blankly. Like an emo kid. A forlorn look lingers in its eye (its sex is ambiguous). Ok... ready? I begin hyperventilation.
The ground shakes. I am not worthy. Joyterror fills my bowels. I muse defectate. I have tunnel vision now. I must keep breathing. It is hard. Lights are becoming irredencent. I cannot communicate to with the outside world. I hate lightsockets. They hurt.
Beginning to feel lightheaded.
They torment me.
Me psyche is becoming even more ridicu- Good things will come my way. lous. And yours. Maybe. Perhaps. no. A transformer has popped out of the ground. I feel scared. I can no longer feel my soul. It is perverse. Must be the bad transformer. He likes to jump.
Ok. I am now done for. I will not feel the urge to breathe for the next hour or so. But I must or else pCO2 will become too high, and I will die. I love you, Rennita George (yes, it is I, Ferguson)
Volume 4, Issue 8
Thoughts To Ponder Glen Meadows Baptist Church would like to invite you to its college ministry! We meet at the Lake House at 9:00 AM on Sunday Mornings, as well as Tuesday evenings at 7:00 PM. Come early and stay late and use our free washers and dryers, as well as the big screen TV, free food and drinks, and a load of fun. Come by and check it out. Oh yeah, the Lake House is across the street from the Glen Meadows, which is west on Knickerbocker. Take a left down American Legion Road and it is the first lake house on the right.
Quote of the Week VoteSeth andSteve!
How old does something have to be to become an antique?
Do cows have calf muscles?
If you died with braces on would they take them off?
Continued from page 1
y o u don’t want to have any grand changes in your perspective of life, you can still enjoy the freedom of going without shoes for a day. It really is pretty f u n , and you can get funny looks f r o m t h e people around y o u ( a n d t h e n you can laugh at them cause you’ll know
they aren’t cool enough to be daring like you are) If we (the Ramdiculous Staff) see you celebrating The Second Annual Day Without Shoes, you will get a free Ramdiculous Shirt. All you need to do is not wear shoes… and we will need to snap a photo of you with your new shirt and bear feet. So if you want to get your hands on a Ramdiculous Shirt, join us in our annual Day Without Shoes…
Who will you vote for in the upcoming student government elections?
Of course Seth and Steve!!!!
Write in: Chuck Norris
Cliff Nelson and Ashley Bruner!!!! =) -Annie Poppel
STEVEN T. COLBERT! -Joel Randolph
Volume 4, Issue 8
Consumables of the Week Sponsored by:
Ignite @ 7:30 PM on Monday
Across from ASU 2424 Vanderventer (325) 947-9462 Drink:
5 hour energy shot
Freshmen Bible Study @ 7:30 PM on Tuesday Logos Lunch @ 12 PM on Friday
Are the lines here straight or are they curved?
Chicken Wings and Onion Rings Make sure you have at least one this week $1.00 off Basket With Student ID
Once there was a family of moles who lived in a hole in the country near a farmhouse. The daddy mole stuck his head out of the hole one morning and said, "I smell sausage." The mommy mole stuck her head out of the hole and said, "I smell pancakes." The baby mole couldn't stick his head out because his mommy and daddy were blocking the hole. The baby mole said, "All I can smell is mollasses."
POETRY TIME see the handsome worms squirming through the mounds of mud seeming so content look, bunny rabbits prancing through the open fields look, now theyâ€™re all dead
For you who cannot get a hand on a Ramdiculous Page, we would like you to always be able to pick up a Ramdiculous Page. We are the voice of [some students at] Angelo State University, and we would like to invite all readers, students, faculty, bums, nurses, strippers, monkeys, fictional characters, and even Ram Page employees to enjoy us from anywhere in the world so check us out @
YOU KNOW WHO THIS IS???
If you do, tell us at: ramdiculous.com And we will put your name in the paper.
LAST WEEK Chucky from Rugrats Thanks to: Danasha Hill, Veronica Granado, Karina Rios, Molly Schwencke, and Logan Boyd
Volume 4, Issue 8
Brainteasers 80% of our readers prefer Colbert to Stewart
I don't hate the truth. It's facts I'm not a fan of. First of all if they are loosing their houses, they are no longer homeowners. Art by:
These are some brainteasers, if you don’t know what they are go home… the answers will be down there next week... Salute your shorts...ok so not really a brainteaser so much as a reference to a great show
Gross over estimate
_ _er_ can’t _e _ny goo_
Volume 4, Issue 8
Darwin Awards February 2, 2008 New York A 50-year-old man was bird hunting in upstate NY with his buddies and his faithful K9 companion. They had stopped for a smoke, when he noticed that the dog was carrying a bone from a deer's leg. The man tried to take the bone away from the dog. Like any right thinking dog, the animal would not relinquish its treasure, and stayed just out of reach. Frustrated with this blatant show of disobedience, the man grabbed his loaded shotgun by the muzzle and began wielding it like a club. Each time he swung it, the dog dodged. It
struck the ground and fired, shooting him in the abdomen. His friends called 911 and he was airlifted to a nearby hospital, where he died from his injuries. He did, however, remain conscious long enough to confirm this account to police; otherwise, his poor friends would now be under suspicion of murder. At least he didn't hit the dog! DISCLAIMER (read me)-this article is for entertainment purposes only. Do NOT take heed to anything in this article. Do not think about it for more than one minute because there is no moral value to it. All you have to do is laugh and move on. This is sarcasm at its finest, so don't take it for any more than that.
ADVERTISE WITH US. If you would like your ad to appear in the Ramdiculous Page, please contact us at email@example.com
Horoscopes Aries– If you own a laptop, chances are you won't very soon. It is up to you to keep it. Taurus- Is your refrigerator running? George Washington invented it. Pay homage to him. Gemini- Any attempts at driving may be successful or unsuccessful. Green means go, red means stop. Obey that, and there are chances that you may be battery get below ¼ power. It will self successful. destruct and you will be without a phone for at least 594 hours. That's a Cancer- So whatever happened to the long time. television we used to have? It is under the mattress. And it is infected. Sagittarius- The thing in your fridge is growing. Kill it with some 410. But be Leo- If you eat a philly in the U.C., all careful. It will blow a hole in your wall. the grease will invade your cells and they will become bloated, hence con- Capricorn- Be sure to not make babies. tributing to the effects of global warm- That is a bad idea. ing. Aquarius- Riding your bicycle is a good Virgo- I wish upon a star that someone way to stay in shape. Round is a shape. would change the amounts of plutonium is the lake. Pisces- always buy cheap groceries. They are good for your wallet. Scorpio- Do not let your cell phone
John Meet John John The Ramdiculist Future Pastor
John The Evangelist Writer of the Gospel
John’s Words of Wisdom
You cannot appreciate the strength of the anchor until you go through the storm.
Volume 4, Issue 8
Jokes You May or May Not Find on Laffy Taffy Wrappers Q: Why is it so hard to play poker in the jungle?.... A: Because there are so many cheetahs Q: What are the strongest days of the week? A: Saturday and Sunday; every other is a weekday.
Q: Why was it so hot after the football game? A: Because all of the fans left!!!
Volume 4, Issue 8
KNOWING KNATURE – The Science You thought you knew by D’ino I’talles, affiliated loosely with the Angelo State Award winning SPS Chapter. Yes ladies and gentlemen it’s time once again to increase the intellectual content of your paper with the discussion of topics of lasting importance. On tonight’s agenda we discuss a most controversial topic – Which way does the water flow while going down the toilet? Yes folks this question has baffled and befuddled mankind since the invention of the closet of metabolic trans-migration, a.k.a. the indoor outhouse. There are two differing points of view on the subject. Both points of view coincidentally depend on your point of location. Allow me to impinge upon your minds the varying and vastly controversial opinions of both. Were we to travel to the northern hemisphere of the Earth, in which we are conveniently located, and thereupon to flush a toilet we would notice that the direction of the water flows in a clockwise direction. For the majority of us this is ok, but not to the other half of the Earth. If we were to flush a toilet in the southern hemisphere we would notice that the water would flow in a counterclockwise direction. What’s going on here? You may well ask. Does it concern the direction with which the Earth rotates in space? This is hardly the case, for if this were true then the whole Earth would tear itself apart by rotating in opposite direction above and below the equator. Magnetic fields? Again no, while water is polar, if it were to be affected by a magnetic field then it would align itself with the northern pole. The answer seems unattainable, but has that stopped us here in the physics branch of the Ramdiculous? Nope. Janus Brahe, our field reporter, was sent to investigate. While in the southern hemisphere he purchased a ceramic throne and shipped it to our labs here in the states. Sitting it next to our control commode we ran a series of tests. The result was very moving, water flowed in opposite directions for either toilet. For the northern one clockwise, and vise-a-versa for the southern one. What then is the answer? Simple plumbing the flow canals in the toilets here in the north are designed to shoot water clockwise, while the flow canals in the toilets in the south are designed to do just the opposite. And so the mystery is solved! Join us next week when we further discuss the inherent properties of flushing in a null-gravity or zero-gravity environment.
Why Shopkeepers Revolt By: Lusty Lenny It’s come to my attention that there is a semester currently underway. Now, I was unaware of this. (I think I’ve slept through most of it so far) I was supposed to be taking my last few classes so I could graduate, but they tell me it’s too late to start. Like they know better than me how long it takes me to learn anything. The audacity! The nerve! The impudence! The carnage! The blood bath! The cannibalism! The sea monkeys eating sea monkeys! I know what I am capable of, and I don’t need some punk in a suit telling me I can’t do this. I’m going to graduate damnit, and you can’t stop me. I’ve come up with a few ways to catch up. You can tell me what you think, and let me know if you have any suggestions. First, I’m going to hire a first class tutor. I’ll find someone who knows all there is to know about each of my classes, and I’ll spend three hours a day with each. Then I’ll go to a bar, and relax. Unfortunately, that’s where my
plan ends because I know that once I get to the bar, I’ll get completely smashed, and there goes my next day’s studies. And pretty much that’s it. Once I miss one day, I’ll be depressed, get drunk, and miss another day, and once I miss that day, I’ll be depressed, and get drunk, and I’ll miss another day, and once I miss that day, I’ll be depressed, and get drunk, and I’ll miss another day, and once I miss… oh you get the idea. So, I’ve got a good start. I can tell I’m on the right track, but I need a little help to make it to that second day, so give me some advice. On a lighter note, I’ve enjoyed my two and a half months of sleeping. If it weren’t for the fact that I’m pretty sure I’m about to get evicted since I haven’t paid rent since January, and say I’m pretty well off. Anyway, enjoy life, eat turnips, and most importantly, watch Family Guy every chance you get. Now, everyone, go kick a goat.
Volume 4, Issue 8
Real Essay Topics, Ramdiculous Responses Well, it’s Election Season. This is the time where past Presidents are quoted galore, and Presidential hopefuls rise to the occasion. But when you look at it, everyone tries to quote the good presidents. If you quote George W. Bush in order to associate yourself with his “legacy”, well, you probably just lost your votes. That’s why you see more quotes from J.F. Kennedy and F.D. Roosevelt than you see from…well, Hoover. I remember one time in elementary school, we were assigned a President to write an essay on. I got Millard Fillmore. If you just asked “Who is Millard Fillmore?”, than you have just proven my point. I got the President no one knows anything worth knowing about! So, in order to redeem myself from this Ghost of 4th Grade Past, I am going to write the essay I wish they had let me write: Who Was The Best President of the United States?
Well, in order to make answering the original question easier, I will ask the opposite: Who was not the best President of the United States? I would say Bush Sr. and Jr., Fillmore, Hoover, Gore (he hasn’t done a damn thing in the Oval Office since he was elected by popular vote!), Harding and possibly most of the candidates after Washington, but before Lincoln. You might ask, how could I not include Nixon as one of the worst, he was almost impeached until he resigned! Well, Watergate wasn’t THAT big of a deal, he was just trying to make sure he got re-elected! But he did end both the Vietnam and Cold Wars (well, the latter only until it restarted in 1979). Not only that, he had one of the best exits in
history, the double-V’s outside his airplane. That gives him tons of cool points right there. What about Bill Clinton, you ask? Yes, so he did some things “we” (more specifically, females. Some men are still cheering him on…) didn’t think he should have done. However, he had the lowest “contribution” to our national debt compared to the three previous terms, due to good budgeting that resulted in surplus. The fact is, no one would have ever known about the affair, had Ms. Lewinsky kept her mouth shut…on more than one occasion. If what Clinton did is grounds for impeachment, and has the marks that make a bad President, then most of us would lose our jobs on the same scale, when you think about it. So in other words, ask not what Clinton did with Ms. Lewinsky-ask what he did for our country! (He did a lot.) Then we have John F. Kennedy, the President with one of the shortest terms, but with the most quotes echoed by politicians. By the way, he did not call himself a ‘jelly donut’. While it turns out a Berliner is a jelly donut in some areas of Germany, it is not so in Berlin, where he gave the “Ich bin ein Berliner” speech at the Rathaus Schöneberg. However, John F. Kennedy was not only a flagship in the Civil Rights Movement, he had a girlfriend that was almost as lovely as Charli. Her name was Marilyn Monroe, and she sang him a hell of a birthday song. It was infamously lampooned in “Wayne’s World”, if I remember my 90’s correctly. So, J.F.K…good quotes, good cause, hot girlfriend. He’s at the top of the list, so far, and very deservedly. If you can help Civil Rights and get women like Monroe at the same time, you are
one helluva man. But then we bring in F.D.R., the man who saved us from Hoover’s Trainwreck. Also, he is the man behind the 22nd Amendment, which will prevent us from getting George W. Bush in office again after next January! So if you have no other reason to like F.D. Roosevelt, appreciate him for that. I hate to burst your bubble, if it exists, but in 2003, turns out doctors found out F.D. didn’t have polio, but that he Guillain-Barre Syndrome. But hey, one good thing happened out of us thinking he had polio: the March of Dimes. The March of Dimes is actually the reason F.D.R. got put on the dime: how’s that for a piece of U.S. Treasury trivia? Anyhow, this guy helped us get out of The Great Depression, and got a guitar named after him in “Juno”. That’s a hard man to compete with. Time for my conclusion. So, scandals and mess-ups aside, who is the best president? Well, I would almost say J.F.K., since he had Marilyn Monroe as a girlfriend, but unfortunately that hasn’t been 100% proven. So I’ll go with the
one without the closet full of skeletons, and a whole list of distinguishments that make him great: his nickname has the word “honest”, a word that could not be used to describe our last few presidents. A children’s toy, the wooden equivalent of LEGOS, was named after him. He is on the $5 bill and the penny! He had one of the best ATHF cameos of all-time! He has his own memorial, with a big huge statue of him inside! The capital of Nebraska, a brand of car, and a middle school in San Angelo, TX all have his namesake. Well, you are really, really stupid if you haven’t figured out who I am talking about. I’m talking about Abraham Lincoln, the freer of slaves, the winner of the Civil War, the man who stood up for what was right until a man assassinated him for wanting to give blacks the right to vote. I tip my hat to you, as you, Mr. Lincoln, have one of the most famous hats in history. Until next time, and don’t forget to email me some essay topics to cover at firstname.lastname@example.org in the meantime! -Jerry Yorke
We also have the RAMDICULOUS PAGE in color, online!
Ramdiculous Page A NGELO S TATE ' S F INEST P APER S INCE F ALL 2006
To Bring *REAL* News to ASU
W E’RE ONLINE www.ramdiculous.com
Movies That We Want To See
lEATHERHEADS 10:30am 1:30pm 4:30pm 7:30pm 10:30pm 21 11:05am 2:05pm 5:05pm 8:05pm 11:00pm HORTON HEARS A WHO 10:05AM 10:50AM 1:05PM 1:50PM 4:05PM 4:50PM 7:05PM 7:50PM 10:05PM THE RUINS 10:45am 1:45pm 4:45pm 7:45pm 10:45pm
NEVER BACK DOWN 7:35pm 10:35pm
3114 Sherwood Way San Angelo, Texas 76901
(325) 942-1937 Saturday: 8am—2pm Monday & Tuesday: 6—9pm
Published every Friday and available to students on campus. This newspaper does not express the opinions of any writer, editor, or anyone affiliated with Angelo State University or the Texas Tech University system or this newspaper. We welcome all letters. Please include your name, position, and an email address. Letters are subject to laws governing obscenity, libel and privacy. All submissions are considered property of the Ramdiculous Page and will not be returned. Submit your letters via our email, email@example.com. Opinions in any letter or writing are not necessarily those of the staff, nor should any opinion expressed in a public forum be construed as the opinion or policy of the administration. By submitting anything to the Ramdiculous Page, you are giving the Ramdiculous Page permission to use your Facebook or Myspace profile in any way the Ramdiculous Page deems usable, unless expressed in writing. If you are a teacher you need not worry, we will not use your profiles.
Published on Aug 19, 2009