Ramdiculous Page A ngelo State' s F i nes t P aper Since F all 2 00 6
Moles Attack Students
Volume 4, Issue 3 February 8, 2008
Monopoly Day Included in this issue: Ram of the Week
Quote of the Week
Thoughts To Ponder
So Damn Awesome Horoscopes
Moles. We have all dealt with them in some capacity; whether as a burrowing pest, in a chemistry class, or even if you happened to watch that old ABC show called “The Mole.” And I’m sure that most of us find them annoying, spiteful and, sometimes, full of ticks. Recently, the Ramdiculous Page has been dealing with their own infestation of moles at the good and right headquarters at Ramdiculous Central. It has come to our attention, through our intricate network of headhunters, CIA contacts, FBI specialists, ATF agents, and ASU police officers that something foul is afoot within our organization. Somehow, our fair paper has become troubled with a duplicitous, switch-hitting team member on our staff. Now, it has been a long time coming that the members of the Ram Page have tried to infiltrate our hierarchy and bring down our infa-
Picture of the Week Tech Brought The Dust
mous rags-to-riches (well, modest poverty) assemblage of randomness and awesomeness. Apparently, the plan has been in effect from the Ram Page’s end since last October and we provided them with the surefire way to get someone on the inside when we invited students to join our paper. Little did we know that some of the persons corresponding with us were actually in cahoots with the Ram Page and made to contact us for the sole purpose of bringing down our operations from the inside. Since this discovery, the Editor and myself have set a full scale investigation to determine whom our resident “mole” might be. But, in true Ramdiculous fashion, we took the more unconventional approach to determining who the fake is; we held a joust tournament followed by a round robin duel to the death with marshmallow Peeps. Our thinking was that upon hearing of the duel to the death, which of course we withheld the part about
Mole (dramatization) the marshmallow Peeps, the mole would immediately run away screaming like a small child because they would be unaware of our brilliantly sardonic senses of humor. Unfortunately for us, on the day the joust and duel were to occur, all of our writers mysteriously had to “attend class.” Who in the world does that? What kind of people schedule classes when they know good a n d w e l l Continued on Page 3
Ramdiculous Observances Saturday – Wave All Your Fingers at a Neighbor Day (yea, not just the middle one, jerk!) Sunday – Laugh and Grow Rich Day (if this were true, I’d be more wealthy that Bill Gates already) Monday – G.I. Joe’s Birthday (blow something up to celebrate) Tuesday – Plimsoll Day (what the heck is a plimsoll?) Wednesday – National Slut Visitation Day Thursday – Clean Out Your Computer Day (quick! dump the porn!!)
Submit your photos at ramdiculous.com
Volume 4, Issue 3
Untraceable Alright folks, this film was something unlike what I was really expecting. I knew the basic premise behind the film which was a sociopath abducting (and adducting…haha) people and then torturing them in his basement whilst he streamed the video feed to the masses on the interwebs. And as much as I knew of this film, it astonished me with the twisted morbidity, nearly as much as the “Saw” series….nearly. Diane Lane portrays FBI agent Jennifer Marsh who is a cyber technician whose job is to thwart cyber fraud and various other crimes. The story plays out with her getting an anonymous tip from another agency and curiosity gets the best of her, and subsequently actually does kill the cat. I laughed to myself at this because of the play on words and the ironic symbolism laid before me. The acting is rather run of the mill and a little bit forced, but does not really detract one from getting ensnared in the storyline. I was entertained by the manner of deaths chosen for the victims, morbid I know, and was surprised that only three people actually meet their demise in this film. True to form, it was clearly more of a psychological thriller flick rather than a horror film, so the death scenes are not as graphic and disturbing
as many other films. I found this to be tasteful and well done. The killer is an intelligent person, for once, and is able to elude police and the FBI for quite some time before finally meeting his own personal end. I enjoyed the grainy, personal feel that the film had from a cinematographic point of view and enjoyed that I felt I could truly be watching this happen before me rather than sitting in a theatre with people staring at a screen. There are plenty of random twists and turns, though not completely random and unexpected, which serve to further the plot and yet bog it down with psychological teasing. If the film had just barreled ahead with its own merit, the plot would have made just as much sense as it did with the twisting, overly interwoven back story that seemed to be ancillary and really have no bearing on the ou t co me of th e f i lm. Overall, I enjoyed the subtle mind games and detail of this film and the way it stayed intense until the end. The ending was somewhat anti-climatic and a bit of a disappointment. However, for all the shortcomings of the ending, the rest of the film makes up for it which garners this film a B+ on the Longbottom Scale of Scaliness and Movie Rankingdom. --Kendall T Longbottom, Esq.
Ram of the Week Michael Wilkinson Mike is a wacky, crazy guy who loves life. You will never see someone smile as much or as big as him. And he would be the first to tell you that his joy comes from his Savior, Jesus Christ. If you see
him around campus, say hi. He may seem a little strange at first, but once you get to know him, he’s pretty darn cool.
Ignite @ 7:30 PM on Monday Freshmen Bible Study @ 7:30 PM on Tuesday Logos Lunch @ 12 PM on Friday Nooma Bible Study, Monday nights, 7:30 PM, Led by Curt McNeely and Seth Chomout
Awkwardness... Realizing your guy friend's foot is bigger than your entire head because he's sticking it in your face and yelling "foot in mouth virus! foot in mouth virus!" This section of the Ramdiculous Page is for things that make a normal person feel awkward… Submit your thoughts @ ramdiculous.com
Weekly Rant I recently got a membership to the only other gym in town that’s not at the CHP, and every time I walk in, I see a sea of all kinds of people. Each one of these people has amusing qualities about them. I respect them for being in the gym and trying to improve themselves. Many kudos to you. However, being the observative person I am, I notice all the quirks about people, and they are all entertaining. Keep in mind that I have quirks also, and I am in no way trying to make myself look better. I always like to make fun of myself to make other people laugh. The key is to be comfortable with yourself. Anyways, here is a rundown of the many different types of people I see in the gym. 1. The 20-something jock- these seem to be the most prevalent of all characters in the gym at any given moment. These are easy to spot because they wear the same amount of clothing to the gym as a professional bodybuilder wears at a show. Of course this type of dress is only required at the beach and/or swimming pool. Please keep in mind that memories can be scarred permanently from sights seen. The gym is not the place to show off. 2. The 80-something workoutaholic- I admire these people, mainly for their commitment to themselves. When I am
retired I will most likely be playing monopoly in my basement. Hopefully not, though. Keep on keeping on! 3. The yoga/tai chi/boxer/aerobics freak- I believe these characters to be the funnest of all people. Just watching them balance on a yoga ball on one foot while the other is doing concentric circles with both arms waving frantically about with 5 pound weights, all the while chanting some strange chant. True multi taskers at work. Beware. They may be deadly. 4. The cracked-out-of-their-mind-steroidfreaks- beware of these. They may rip your head off while headbanging to death metal. A major indication of this is that they are bald. Whatever you do, don’t run around the gym willy-nilly screaming BALDY! BALDY! BALDY! That will surely get you killed on the spot. Oh….they can throw a 130 pound dumbbell around 50 feet. However, if you have the nads to taunt them, all you have to do is walk quickly. They have no aerobic capacity, so you are pretty much safe. But if they get a hold of you, well, catch ya on the flip side. I love you George Ferguson
Volume 4, Issue 3
Hey all you Ramdiculous fans, here’s your chance to get in on the action. We want to hear from you what you want from us. We are also looking for s o m e help, so if you can write, let us know,
send us some of your stuff. How about photographers, if you have some pictures send ‘em our way. Are you a artist, draw us a cartoon. Do you have an opinion? Let us know. You can help us. S e nd your submissions to us @
Thoughts To Ponder •
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?
Why is there no pine or apple in pineapple?
If you dig a hole in the south pole are you digging up or down?
Continued from page 1
t h er e is to
be a joust tournament and dueling?
Quote of the Week “They have nice balls”
Our latest attempt to discover the mole is in the works, so never fear diligent and constant readers, we shall have justice and vindication! I know you are all wondering what the newest mode of determining the mole shall be, but printing that here would defeat the purpose of trying to discern whom they are. As awesome as we are, we are equally paranoid about the Ram Page doing any and everything they can to thwart our efforts to discover whom they have allied themselves with and planted in our midst. If they were to read here, for example, that we were going to throw all of our writers into a tank filled with vanilla pudding and sharks to see which of our staff members tried to escape first, they might tell their mole to wear shark repellant and a galvanized steel wet suit in order to stay in the tank longer than one of our
real writers. And that would just end badly for whoever got out first because we would shoot them on sight with our plethora of deadly blow guns. So, in the end, we will discover who our mole is, or we may just plant our own mole on the Ram Page staff. We have yet to determine which is the best option….or have we? The mole on our staff from the Ram Page is a clever little devil who is seemingly unstoppable at this point. Or is it that our mole is just that much better than the one they have given us whom we have turned to our side and really does enjoy being on our paper, cracking jokes and having sexy parties? So we admit then that we do have a mole from the Ram Page on the staff of the Ramdiculous Page...strike that, reverse it. — Samuel Clemens
if birds fly over the rainbow,
why oh why, can’t I? Because rams don't have wings. if they did, they'd be unicorns, except they have two horns...it's complicated!
Because you're next in line after the pigs. -Bryan Heath
The flying monkeys told you not to.. -Crys Thackerson
Cause you are not a bird - and if you could it would be unfair to leprechaun cause you would always find the pot of gold. -Lee Floyd
Volume 4, Issue 3
Consumables of the Week Sponsored by:
Glen Meadows Baptist Church would like to invite you to its college ministry!
Across from ASU 2424 Vanderventer (325) 947-9462 Drink: Snack:
We meet at the Lake House at 9:00 AM on Sunday Mornings, as well as Tuesday evenings at 7:00 PM. Come early and stay late and use our free washers and dryers, as well as the big screen TV, free food and drinks, and a load of fun. Come by and check it out.
Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper Seasoned Waffle Fries
Make sure you have at least one this week
ADVERTISE WITH US. If you would like your ad to appear in the Ramdiculous Page, please contact us at firstname.lastname@example.org
Oh yeah, the Lake House is across the street from the Glen Meadows, which is west on Knickerbocker. Take a left down American Legion Road and it is the first lake house on the right.
http://www.college.gmbc.org For you who cannot get a hand on a Ramdiculous Page, we would like you to always be able to pick up a Ramdiculous Page. We are the voice of
POETRY TIME Once I met a turnip His face brimmed with pride
[some students at] Angelo State University, and we would like to invite all readers, students, faculty, bums, nurses, strippers, monkeys, fictional characters, and even Ram Page employees to enjoy us from anywhere in the world so check us out @
He showed me his house And his beautiful bride
We sat and we talked We hung out all day ‘Til a bald eagle came And took him away I chased down that bird
DO YOU KNOW WHO THIS IS??? If you do, tell us at: ramdiculous.com
And I pulled out my gun I shot him right down
And we will put your name in the paper.
And said, “Not today, son” That turnip was safe
I had done a good deed So I didn’t feel bad When I stole his tv.
Lightning McQueen Thanks to: Seth Chomout
Volume 4, Issue 3
Ramdiculous Page WEATHER:
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Brainteasers 80% of our readers prefer Colbert to Stewart
“By the transitive property of Huckabee, I am McCain!”
These are some brainteasers, if you don’t know what they are go home… the answers will be down there next week... Fat ass
76 trombones led the big parade
Volume 4, Issue 3
Jokes You May or May Not Find on Laffy Taffy Wrappers Q. What do you call a cow with a twitch? A. Beef jerky! (ah how festive)
Horoscopes Aires- The sandwich that Hillary Clinton is about to eat may cause global warming, a destruction of all intelligent life. Sad to say the Hillary will still be alive. Leo- I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and you father smelt of elderberries! Sagittarius-- Thank someone on the Ramdiculous Page for saving your life. If it hasn’t happened already, there is a good chance it will.
Q. What’s the best way to keep the water from running?
Taurus- you will break things….simply put. Virgo- after all the hard work, you will be repaid with nothing. Maybe a soda, but nothing that won’t make your blood sugar spike.
A. Don’t pay the bill! (lmao!) Q. What do you get when you cross a shark and ‘Flipper’? A. A fat shark! (you’d like to think I made that up, but I didn’t)
Capricorn- the judgment of the gods is upon you in your time of peril. If you need to use the bathroom, you will not be able to find it. Like one of the bad dreams. You will seek but not find. Freakin Libra- This is the only time you will ever see this in the paper. Get used to it. Like I wrote in the Rant, everyone has their quirks, and this is one of mine. If I forget to put something in the first time, I have to keep it the same way I did it
originally. Oh…as far as the horoscope, never trust electricity. Gemini- Something inconspicuous will be your downfall today. But you can trust the jelly. Aquarius- All people born in Aquarius will be single for the rest of their lives….don’t hate. Cancer- SAVE THE TREES! Scorpio- Wishing is not a substitute for doing. You can use that in your next psychology paper. Pisces- I wish upon a star that, that you could fit in a jar, and I would carry you around in my pocket.
Campus Reflections: WHY IS STEPHEN COLBERT PiNa Colada Starbursts SO DAMN AWESOME? Hello, again dear readers. As promised, this week we were going to have our interview with the illusive mastermind, Mr. Stephen Colbert. But alas, he, or rather his wranglers, have managed to stand us up yet again. We are not amused. And we know that you are also not amused, persistent reader of our fair page and most importantly, this column. Never fear, we shall not rest, we shall not eat, we shall not sleep,
heck, we may not even poop, Ok. So this bit of rambling really until we secure our interview has nothing to do with ASU except for the fact that I sat in
with Mr. Colbert. So, do not an ASU classroom and pondered give up hope, we on this. In efforts to stay awake will
for my final class of the day, I
come bought some starbursts. They through! If we were some unique
have to go up tropical to New York f r u i t
ing law when we introduce these teasing tastes of “adult beverages”? Margarita and piña colada flavored lip gloss, just spread the party farther to the opposite sex! (I.e. kissing) Even beyond that, margarita shaped c harms f o r c ell
f l av o rs ,
and stalk, er, then sudforcibly follow d e n l y … BAM!
i n c e s s a n t l y , mouth was filled Mr. Colbert, with a flavor that most certainly was not a fruit! I scrambled
rest assured that we will have through my wrappers and an interview with him in our found my subject- it was piña
colada flavored. Ok. Life goes
paper. This is not something on… and then it comes back. we are willing to compromise! That, in its traditional sense, is an alcoholic drink. Now this has just gotten sick. Kids eat these —Samuel Clemens candies! How can we expect them to obey the age 21 drink-
pho ne s , n e c k l ac es, bracelets, and piercings, whatever. What are we showing our kids? Before too long, police will be busting up 12 year old drinking parties as more parents quit being parental in effort to be “friends” with their kids and let them do whatever! Stop the madness! Don’t feed kids piña colada Starbursts!!! —Joan of Arc
Volume 4, Issue 3
Darwin Awards WINNER: When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger againâ€Śthis time it worked. The
Ramdiculous Page T-Shirts? If we were selling them, they would be ten bucks. If we were selling them, you could go online to Ramdiculous.com and order one.
1. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meatcutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
2. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the spaceâ€Ś understandably, he shot her. 3. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayohad escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
We also have the RAMDICULOUS PAGE in color, online!
Volume 4, Issue 3
KNOWING KNATURE – by D’ino I’talles, affiliated loosely with the Angelo State Award winning SPS Chapter.
It’s like a bad episode of “Jay walking”…you know, the part of “The Tonight Show” where Jay Leno goes out on the street and asks normal looking people some insanely easy question, and then they open their mouths and let everyone know that they are completely clueless about something they should have learned in 3rd grade. For example, in a recent episode, Jay’s challenge to the village idiots was to identify the name of the guy on the one dollar bill. And , of course, amazingly enough, not everyone knew who it was. You may consider this series of articles as village idiot insurance of a sort. Just in case you get stopped on the street some day… Lesson 1: Why is the sky blue? Most common answer (from the VI’s)… “because the blue sky is reflected off the ocean” If this is your answer, then you have fallen into the “I don’t have a clue club”, so let’s go over some clues that might alert you to the absurdity of this commonly held misconception. Clue #1: Have you ever even seen the ocean? And, if yes, are you unable to discern color? The ocean is mostly NOT blue Clue #2: If this is true, why aren’t clouds blue, too? Clue#3: There is a good portion of the planet covered in frozen water (for the VI’s, you might call this “ice”), which is mostly white. We are fairly certain that the sky over the poles is still blue. Clue#4: See clue #3 and consider the large portion of the earth which is also brown and/or green. If you are still interested in not being part of the Clueless club, here is the answer. Sunlight is composed of many colors. The atmosphere is composed of mostly nitrogen. Nitrogen resonantly oscillates (that means “vibrates big” for the VI’s) when Violet or Blue light hits the nitrogen molecules. This is why they sky is blue, and as a bonus point, that is also why sunsets and sunrises appear NOT to be blue…the red part of the sunlight passes through all that nitrogen mostly unaffected…Your Welcome.
LOLWUT Valentine’s Day by Barry Manilow I hate Valentine’s day. Why you ask? It gives men all around the world an excuse to hopelessly chase after women. Not that I already don’t do that. But it seems like this day is designed specifically for you to put your heart out there in the hopes that someone doesn’t crush it with their Darth Vader death grip. I believe that one of the few boasts a man can have is being dumped on Valentine’s Day. Of all the possible holidays to be dumped on, you officially win the game of life
if it is Valentine ’s Day. Ever have one of those awkward bar moments where you and a buddy discuss where your life went wrong? If you ever want to win, just discuss being dumped on Valentine’s Day. But I digress. Sometimes Valentine ’s Day is not so bad. Sometimes you have two tests on it and one of them is in a subject you have no hope in passing whatsoever. So either way your day will be filled with mediocrity. Maybe it is my ADD that pre-
vents me from paying attention in class, or the fact that my trips to the bathroom usually result in a visit to the pool tables of the UC for 40 minutes at a time. But don’t let my bad habits fool you. Go to class. Stay in school. Get good grades. Don’t write your daily response to world lit in 5 minutes and capitulate your poetical analysis with “This is a sad poem.” Don’t abbreviate things like WTF OMG and LOL. And above all, at the end of the day on Valentine’s Day, when you’re
alone and have failed to make an A or B on your 12th straight Calculus test, just chalk it up to the fact that people like to place vegetables on pizza. Like seriously wtf.
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Super Bowl Mania and Culture Shock As we all know, unless you’ve been under a rock for the past few months, the Super Bowl was this past Sunday. We here at the Ramdiculous Page would like first and f or e mo st to congratulate the New York Giants on trouncing those unseemly, flashy, cheating New England Patriots! I know that it made my heart smile to be a Giants fan, at least for one day of my life, as I watched all the girls around me start to cry and whine as the Patriots got their comeuppance; especially because the only reason that most of them were cheering for the Patriots was because “Tom Brady is sooooo hot!”
Gag! And Gag again! Who cares?! I don’t watch women’s sports. No, I don’t mean to say because they are “hot” I mean I just don’t watch them period, but that’s beside the point. The point I would like to make here is that the best thing about the Super Bowl is supposed to be the commercials. The game is secondary to the wonderful world of advertising and the tons of money that companies pour into a simple thirty second spot during the most watched sporting event of the year. And this year, I was sorely disappointed, especially with one commercial in particular. The one of which I speak is of course the
The Incoherent Ramblings of a Grouchy Old Man My throat is soar. My nose is stuffy. My head kind of hurts. But none of it is that bad. It’s just bad enough to be annoying. Which sucks. And the most annoying thing is it’s been this way for about a month. Some days are worse than others, but I haven’t felt completely healthy for a while. But at the same time, I haven’t really gotten sick. It’s like there’s a freaking virus in there taunting me. “Aww, are you sick? Well, I’ll ease off and let you feel better. Psyche!! Haha, what a loser!” I’m pretty sure something like that is going on, and I must say that it takes one sick virus to do that to someone. I think that viruses like him/her (I’m pretty sure viruses don’t have genders. Or do they, and we just don’t know about it. Maybe they have entire virus families that play jokes on people together. Man, if I’ve got like a whole tribe working against me, I’m screwed) should be dealt with harshly. And by harshly, I mean severely. And by severely I mean someone should kick them
in the jaw really hard. Which brings up another good point. Do viruses have jaws? Now, your biology professor will undoubtedly tell you “no.” But what do they know? I’m pretty sure they do have jaws; after all, how else do they cause us so much pain if it’s not by biting our insides. And how would they bite us if they had no jaws. I think it is pretty obvious that they must. Those biology nerds are just overthinking. In this case it takes a simple mind to understand what’s really going on. A very simple mind. Ok, well, have a nice weekend, and don’t set your car on fire. Don’t set your friend’s car on fire either. Find a random stranger’s car.* But make sure the random stranger isn’t in it. We at the Ramdiculous Page do NOT advocate murder. —George Orwell
Coca-Cola commercial with Underdog and Stewie fighting over the bottle of Coke. The idea was great, I enjoyed watching the two iconic balloons fly through downtown New York, presumably, and fight for this oversized bottle of liquid goodness. The whole thing was great up until the ending. I was appalled to see the bulbous, bald head of Charlie Brown appear out of nowhere and usurp the Coke bottle from the two combatants. I mean, I get it. Coke is a classic symbol of America and Charlie Brown is a piece of Americana that everyone knows and loves, the symbolism is not lost. But let’s be honest, should an overweight, balding, eternally 10 year-old child really be rewarded for his sloth and gluttony just because he was in the “right place at the right time?” I say no! Charlie Brown, in this commercial, really is a representation of all that is wrong with our culture - lazy, never do anything to better their life, prematurely balding people who get rewarded for being that
way. It really is an abhorrence! In a world where you can do anything you want, try anything just because you want, and potentially obliterate stereotypical views of people, we celebrate mediocrity. We reign down praise on people who do nothing, or we hand them everything many of the others of us work hard to obtain. It really is crap. I have always been perplexed at the way people who do nothing of intellectual, or even common sense, significance, like rappers and sports stars, are treated like they are the most amazing people on Earth. I mean, how is it we got to a point where idiots with nothing to do other than make horrible albums and dumb television shows where they hit each other in the nuts are the most immolated and celebrated persons in our population? Whatever happened to making a difference and improving the quality of life for the following generations? Clearly this has faded to the background and it is depressing. --Albert Einstein
Did you hear about the shooter on campus? This is what you might be asked.. Your answer—“No,” unless you have:
A New ASUPD on Campus Alert System Sign Up Now on
*The Ramdiculous page does not advocate arsony either no matter how funny it may be, or how great the youtube video is. However, should you commit this heinous crime, take lots of pictures. THERE WAS NO SCHOOL SHOOTING… SORRY TO SCARE YOU
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Brainteasers 5 Quote of the Week 3 Facebook Invasion 3 Dante Residential 7 A ngelo State' s F i nes t P aper Since F all 2 00 6 Colbert Corn...