Ramdiculous Page Angelo State's Finest Paper Since Fall 2006 Volume 4, Issue 11
Red Hat Society Day April 25, 2008 Included in this issue:
Ram of the Week
Quote of the Week
Thoughts To Ponder
I speak from personal experience that anyone who evens attempts to shop at the largest WT (if you don't know what that is, please email us) congregation spot in the world around 2 p.m. is not smart. And I am among this group. I recently ventured there on a Saturday around that time, and was promptly assaulted by a sea of Nascar shirts and gangs of fifteen children, all under 5 years old. Needless to say, it was pretty horrific. The main reason I am writing this article today is because there is a certain etiquette involved in going to Wal-Mart.When you reach the entrance, do not stand there amazed by the automatic doors. They are quite common in many areas of the U.S. nowadays, and are used to the attention. In fact, I think that automatic doors get quite embarrassed/ annoyed when people either stare at them or walk in and out of the doors so much that the doors need to be lubed up every hour. When acquiring a shopping cart, do not form a gate around the carts when people are trying to acquire one. As you can tell, this hinders their progress toward the overall goal of buying cheap useless crap (except food of course). I really don't want to hear about how many times you had to take your poodle to the veterinary last week. If you have problems with your small dog, give it to me. It is my personal guarantee that you wont have any more problems with your small dog.
Picture of the Week BE AFRAID...BE VERY AFRAID
Know what you want before you get there. This is more of a tip for quick shopping rather than an etiquette tip. If you follow this advice you won't find yourself in the cleaning supplies isle wondering where the pogo sticks are, then have to traverse the landscape all the way across the store to the women's clothing section where they keep the pogo sticks (Do not read into this last sentence. It's not supposed to make sense, therefore, there is no joke behind it). Walk at a decent pace. By this I mean a pace faster than the speed of a hummer that has run out of gas. Walking that slow is just stupid. For example, when I went to Wal-Mart the other day, it took us (yes, the random customer and I) somewhere around 3 minutes to get from one side of the isle to the other. I even had time to look at the ingredients of artificial sweetener, memorize them, pronounce them correctly, and know what they did in the time it took this one specific person to go ten feet. I is be that smartness! <----
-i know I spelled that wrong. It is supposed to be that way. THE LAST, BUT MOST IMPORTANT! 5. Do not, under any circumstances block both lanes in an isle for any reason. I don't care if you are talking to your long-lost baby. I don't care if you have not seen this specific person since you were two years old and somehow still remember them. I don't care if you are not talking, but simply admiring the person across the way, just don't block the sexing isle! I am not kidding when I say that I stood behind two women who
Wal-Mart (dramatization) Continued on Page 3
Ramdiculous Observances Saturday-Hug An Australian Day Sunday-Soil Stewardship Sunday Monday-Bulldogs Are Beautiful Day Tuesday-National Hairball Awareness Day Wednesday-Hairstylist Appreciation Day Thursday-Mother Goose Day
Volume 4, Issue 11
Prom Night Wow. This movie was one of the most predictable and messed up movies I've seen in a long time and seriously, that's saying something. No offense if you liked Prom Night but it too unbelievable for this movie watcher. The plot seemed to focus on how the killer could get away with murder so damn much. How, you ask? Well, when he stabbed someone, the only blood would be where the holes of the stabbing took place. He moved one of the bodies of the oblivious idiots around several times and no one found blood!! It was ridiculous! In my opinion, the best part of this experience was my continuous stash of smuggled in goodies.
Lisa (Dana Davis from Raise Your Voice) but we all knew her fate the moment she took the stairs but her death reminded me of the old Child's Play movies back when they for for thrill not entertainment. You might remember those because the victim would be going really slow and Chucky would be moving quite fast for a doll. Don't get me wrong. Chucky is one of my fave killers who I thought was totally kickass.
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Although the plot was stupid to fit the killed, the actors did what I suspect they could. Brittany Snow (from several other okay movies like John Tucker Must Die) did brilliantly for the role with all things considering. She actually made it look like she was really crying and scared and not that bullshit fake crying that actors have been doing lately (and no, I think critiquing this one movie Pretty much if you want to go to a susis enough). penseful movie with no gore or blood, go to this one. But if you want to go to a One of the really weird things movie that isn't so stupidly predictable, I I noticed was that Brittany's character heard Ruins was good. This girl's rating of Donna was the only one who stood a Prom Night is so a C-. chance against this killer. Well, other than
Weekly Rant Elijah Isaiah Insomniac Iridonian Arrigatus Armand Ezekiel Jeremiah Wood was discovered in a cornfield somewhere in Middle -earth on 'The Island', a place in essex. Although his species remains a mystery, he is suspected to have been reared by hobbits. A fisher and his extremely hot daughter discovered him lying in the cornfield in fetal position while muttering strange foreign words that cannot be translated to this day. The fisherman claimed, "He was so innocent. I just had to take him in." One reason was because his daughter found Wood to be "a little sweetling" and forced her father to take him home with them. They brought him
back to their hometown in New Hampshire and two parents with one teenage son and a baby daughter adopted him. Unfortunately, the size of his eyes kept weighing his head down and he developed strong neck pain. Because of his abnormally large blue eyes and Attention Deficit Disorder, his family presumed he would be a good actor and took him to Hollywood. Unfortunately the cost of eye reduction surgery and years of acting classes bankrupted his family who were forced to move into a pretzel factory in downtown LA . I love you, George Ferguson
When your boyfriend calls you a skank… and means it This section of the Ramdiculous Page is for things that make a normal person feel awkward…
Rambelle of the Week Michellenburg as we like to call her, she is a Math Major, who, on top of graduating, is going to Grad School in Dallas, as well as teaching in one of those inner city (with metal detectors) schools… On her spare time Michelle loves to do integrals and run marathons, although she cannot do both at once. Michelle has been involved with many things here at ASU and she will be missed when she leaves. Her faith and smile make her who she is and we, the Ramdiculous Staff would like to wish her luck when she heads off to be a teacher. RUN—GET AWAY!!!
Volume 4, Issue 11
Thoughts To Ponder Glen Meadows Baptist Church would like to invite you to its college ministry! We meet at the Lake House at 9:00 AM on Sunday Mornings, as well as Tuesday evenings at 7:00 PM. Come early and stay late and use our free washers and dryers, as well as the big screen TV, free food and drinks, and a load of fun. Come by and check it out. Oh yeah, the Lake House is across the street from the Glen Meadows, which is west on Knickerbocker. Take a left down American Legion Road and it is the first lake house on the right.
Why do we sing “Rock A Bye Baby” to lull our little ones to sleep when the song is about putting your baby in a tree and letting the wind crash the cradle to the ground?
Continued from page 1
w e r e chatting up a storm with my arms crossed staring at them for two solid minutes. One of them even looked at me as to ask me “can I help you?”. I just gave her the standard “Are you freeking kidding me you are going to stand there blocking me and 5 other people behind me while you talk about hemorrhoids?” look.
Just for effect, let me clarify that I was not looking at the shelves, looking at products, or even looking at an attractive woman. I was staring at the woman's head. For two solid minutes. With my arms crossed. It was over 2 days ago (6 if you are are reading this), and I am still pissed. Maybe I should lay off the junk. But that would be too much work. I Love You, George Ferguson
Quote of the Week “The nucleus is infected!” -Aaron Wyble
Who is your favorite Family Guy charac-
Volume 4, Issue 11
Consumables of the Week Sponsored by:
Across from ASU 2424 Vanderventer (325) 947-9462 Drink:
Meal: Grilled Chicken Salad
Make sure you have at least one this week $1.00 off Basket With Student ID
POETRY TIME i knew this dog he had black fur his paws had a grayish tint to them he liked to eat turnips he was one weird dog DO
YOU KNOW WHO THIS IS???
If you do, tell us at: ramdiculous.com And we will put your name in the paper.
LAST WEEK Ursula from The Little Mermaid Thanks to: Hannah Cooper
Volume 4, Issue 11
Real Essay Topics, Ramdiculous Responses There is an event that is televised every year, and it is basically an awards ceremony for women that have kept in shape their whole life, used the right hair care products and make-up, look decent in a swimsuit, and have the most useless talents in the world, the best fake tan, the most ridiculous answers to questions on current events, and good “poise”. I’m pretty sure you do know I’m talking about the Miss America pageant, if not, you are very lucky. So, back to the part about current events questions. It is well known that a Miss America candidate’s solution to everything is “World Peace”. Seriously. Ask them how to solve the current shortage of Pizza Rolls in Jerry Yorke’s fridge, and they will say “World Peace”. Ask them how to get Clippy the Microsoft Office Paperclip to resign his post from the previous versions of Microsoft Office that still have him (such as the version I’m using now that thought it looked like I was typing a damn letter, and that I needed some help), and the answer will be “World Peace”. Well, I would like to see how stumped they would get if they were asked this follow-up question: How Do You Accomplish World Peace? An Essay by Jerry Yorke Well, the most obvious way would be Mandatory World Peace. The object of
Mandatory World Peace is to exterminate anyone who doesn’t comply with the concept. Did you trip your little brother? Off to the gallows with you. Did you slap your cheatin’ spouse? You’ll be ridin’ the lightnin’ by noon. Slug Bug, no tagbacks? Yeah, you’ll be getting a tag back, alright, the one they put on your toe. Basically, if you commit any action that can create a conflict, whether it’s instigating or retaliating, you can guarantee you’ll be cashing in your chips before the week is out. However, what qualifies as instigating and retaliation? Does the cheatin’ spouse deserve to be executed, too? After all, their action provoked a response. If so, does that give the faithful partner exception to their “crime”? If my mechanic overcharges me for repairs on my car, and I pour gasoline all over his garage, light a match and flick it towards his garage while driving away with my car stereo blasting “Fire Water Burn” by The Bloodhound Gang, who instigated? Well, I wouldn’t have done it, had he charged a fair price. Under that argument, my mechanic would not only have a destroyed garage, but also a date with a guillotine. Bluntly said, Mandatory World Peace is unfortunately not an option. Well, the more scientific way is to use DNA to clone Chuck Norris thousands and thousands of times to create the ultimate peace-enforcing army. Well, there are a few problems with
80% of our readers prefer Colbert to Stewart
this. First, if they have to engage in war to enforce peace, that kind of defeats the purpose. Also, which country gets the army? Then there is the imploding problem: the army would get so tired of fighting inferior warriors that they would probably start fighting each other. Even worse, they could realize their full potential, overthrow every single world government and start a mass dictatorship that would make Hitler look like Ross Perot. This, by default, makes a Chuck Norris Army for Peace an invalid option. The best option, compared to the last ones, would be this: Worldwide Disneyland. It is a scientific fact that you can not be unhappy at Disneyland. So this is what we do: we work for about a decade, as a people, non-stop. We stock up on products, and we start tearing everything down. We use the materials from the torn down structures and recycle them to help build Disneyland. It will stretch across every single continent. The Grand Canyon will be filled with water and turned into Mickey Mouse’s Steamboat Willie Log Ride, and will lead to Niagara Falls. We will use the Gateway Arch as a rollercoaster hill, and the Tower of the Americas will be turned into a giant freefall tower, with the ability to drop at 100 mph! However, there are several questions to be answered: do people that didn’t assist with the building get to live in Worldwide Disneyland? And if not, where will they live? Well, the answer to that is they will get to live in Guantanamo Bay, which will be converted into a Universal Studios Theme Park, where the only attraction will be Donkey from Shrek. Jack Kevorkian will be a resident at the Universal Studios Theme Park, to cater to a certain urge that might arise from having to tolerate Donkey on a daily basis. So, there you have it. Worldwide Disneyland is the solution. Actually, no it’s not. Some people that got stuck in Gitmo Universal Studios might rebel, because of the burning jealousy caused by being denied the American Dream. However, some people inside Worldwide Disneyland might rebel because the dream wasn’t quite like they expected. Eventually, civil war will start because people will get
tired of being stuck at the end of the line. So what is the solution? The answer is acceptance and tolerance. There are many cultures, religions, and even races that are being opposed for no reason other than degrading biases. They are actively being persecuted, and are either being forced to abide by what is wanted by the persecutors, or they are being executed. Unfortunately, the United States has been a persecutor in the past, and sometimes, in the present. The Civil Rights Movement and our current wave of wanting to “deliver democracy” is proof of it. It is my belief that what should be considered immoral are things that violate a person’s life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness. A robber’s pursuit of happiness may include stealing another man’s possessions, but the victim will, in turn, not be happy. A violation in that case. However, a race marching for rights? A group protesting? That is not a pursuit against your liberty or happiness, but a pursuit for the happiness and liberty that has been denied to them. There is a current group of people in the United States that are often being persecuted, due to their sexuality. Does having more power make you right, and is what is common the right thing? Who defines the right thing? Majorities. How do majorities that are not tolerant of the least common traits expect those people to be tolerant of their policy? The minorities don’t have to be tolerant. It’s forced. In conclusion, the answer to World Peace is to ask yourself this: Does this action affect my life? Are agnostics going to keep me from doing my part in this world? Are homosexuals going to keep me from paying my bills? Are Blacks, Hispanics, Asians, Whites, or any other race imaginable going to make me unhappy if their race members are going to school with my child or sibling? But after you ask yourself that, ask yourself this: How does it make you feel that the other party may be asking the same questions about you?
“If I learned one thing from the Liberty Bell, it’s that crack is wack!”
Until next time, Jerry Yorke
These are some brainteasers, if you don’t know what they are go home… the answers will be down right here next week.
Pride comes before the fall
Volume 4, Issue 11
Darwin Awards An experienced 47-year-old rescue diver was filming an underwater video of a submerged wreck. The dive was 44 meters below sea level, 9 meters deeper than the recreational diving maximum. Deep diving warrants special training and extra safety considerations. So there he was, filming a video in deep water. To keep the audio track clear, the diver turned off the alarms on his dive computer! His buddy, working on the other side of the wreck, did the same. "Defeating the Safety" has well-known consequence. Sixteen minutes into the dive, he was suddenly out of air! He made a rapid ascent up the anchor line to 18 meters. Deep divers make decompression stops
as they surface, to prevent nitrogen bubbles from forming in the body. These bubbles are excruciatingly painful, and occasionally fatal, but easy to avoid. A diver stays submerged only as long as the dive tables permit, and makes at least one stop below the surface, especially after a deep dive, to allow blood nitrogen levels to normalize. At 18 meters, the divemaster tried to assist him, but the panicked diver had been without air too long. He refused to take an alternate air source, and appeared confused. The divemaster followed him in his inexorable flight to the surface, where the diver lost consciousness and could not be revived.
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Horoscopes Aries- Your sarcoplasm will erupt, causing mass distention. Taurus- A good attachment for Mozilla Firefox is the weather thingy. It might save your life if a massive flash flood just happens to pop up here in San Angelo.
Gemini- AAAAAAABOOOOOOGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAAA AAAAAAAAH! Did I scare you? Cancer- you should get your life in order Leo-Quick weight loss strategy!!!!*(#(#)* (U@!!!! go make a poopy<----as a precaution, I'm going to tell you not to listen to this advice. Virgo- Woooogygygygygygy.......wooooooogygygygygygygygyyyyy! Sorry. I was tickling a baby.<----as a precaution, I'm going to tell you not to listen to this.Scorpio- Remember a while back when I told you that defecation causes cancer? I lied...<----as a precaution, I'm going to tell you not to listen to this. Sagittarius- Aqui estoy, comiendo una hamburgesa con chinchulines blancos.<----as a precaution, I'm going to tell you not to listen to this.
Capricorn- Always have an escape route planned before hand. You never know when you may need to make a quick getaway from a family reunion.
Aquarius- HASTA LA VISTA BABY! I'M GOING TO CANADIA!<-----this is just stupid..
Pisces- It is eight forty eight in the evening. Can anyone tell me what time that is in analog?Libra- here ya go. Hope ya like it...
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Volume 4, Issue 11
A Note From Your SGA President Hi once again from your SGA President, this last week we had our last senate meeting of the year, it was good to help Steve lead the meeting. As I have heard around campus, some people are worried that I might combine my two offices into one (as the pic of the week may suggest), but you and the administration have nothing to worry about. I am taking care to not combine the Student Government and Ramdiculous. It will be hard to do both and keep them separate, but I am sure I will be able to, I mean look at Dick Cheney and Halliburton… maybe that was a bad example, but don’t worry.
We also have the RAMDICULOUS PAGE in color, online!
We are already doing quite a few things, such as working on some new RO stations, and helping with a new club on campus. So far I have met with many different administrators and have found out how to get things done for the students at ASU. So if you have an idea, let me know, or drop a suggestion in the SGA suggestion box in the UC. For you who cannot get a hand on a Ramdiculous Page, we would like you to always be able to pick up a Ramdiculous Page. We are the voice of [some students at] Angelo State University, and we would like to invite all readers, students, faculty, bums, nurses, strippers, monkeys, fictional characters, and even Ram Page employees to enjoy us from anywhere in the world so check us out @
KNOWING KNATURE – The Science You thought you knew by D’ino I’talles, affiliated loosely with the Angelo State Award winning SPS Chapter. Greetings once again folks! It’s that time again where we increase the intellectual content of this paper with the discussion of topics of lasting importance. On today’s agenda we discuss the highly controversial issue of Radiation and Nuclear Physics. In all reality radiation is a by product of working in the nuclear physics realm. It seems these days that a whole lot of people are worried about exposure to radiation and the dangers inherent therein. But today we will attempt to dissuade some of those fears by shedding some light on the subject. Radiation is all around us. All the time. Everywhere. When you turn your car radio on the signals that it receives are called electromagnetic radiation – same as light - only a different frequency. The Sun as many people know is a giant source of radiation. That’s why you get a sunburn for staying outdoors too long. A sun burn is a very common type of radiation exposure. While it’s not fatal (in most cases) it’s very similar to the radiation exposure that one would encounter while working with a leaky nuclear power plant. Like I said, radiation is everywhere in various forms. We even ingest radioactive materials all the time! A simple banana contains an element called potassium-40 which is radioactive, and it really doesn’t hurt us. So what’s all the brouhaha about? Why are so many people timid of radiation? Because people are timid around things that they do not understand. So allow me to inform just ever so slightly on the topic of radiation. As I was saying earlier, there are many forms of radiation present in our everyday lives and for the most part we all go on with life completely ignorant of said radiation. But radiation is not something any of us should be afraid of. People have been led to believe that radiation is very dangerous and have been told the horrors of what can happen to human flesh when it is exposed to radiation. But allow me to state that those are the extreme cases. A nuclear bomb or the meltdown and subsequent explosion of a nuclear reactor are extremes in the realm of radiation. Radiation is a natural part of our lives, it’s there when you fly, when you drive, while you sleep. It’s in the food that we eat, in the water that we drink. We are to every grate extent radioactive. Radiation in small doses is actually healthy for us. That’s why it’s good to get a bit of sun every now and again. So take joy, revel in the bath of energy that is radiation (just not too much of it…).
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Red Hat Society Day Weekly Rant 2 Poetry Time 4 Angelo State's Finest Paper Since Fall 2006 Brainteasers 5 Who’s this? 4 Darwin Awards 6 THE...