Ramdiculous Page Angelo State's Finest Paper Since Fall 2006
If You Want to Succeed in Business, Become a Monkey
A Volume 3, Issue 4
October 19, 2007 Feast of the Wicked Scam Day Included in this issue:
Ram of the Week
Quote of the Week
Thoughts To Ponder
So Damn Awesome
Most businesses these days have some sort of a corporate rule book that all employees are supposed to follow. But did you ever wonder how they arrived at such absurd policies? Were they always in effect from the start or were they simply adapted as newer employees came into the organization? One might say that both aspects could be true. But new research has shown that actually, every business on the planet has followed the model of using monkeys in a cage to hone their company policies. The idea is simple -- torture people until they do what you want, and they will. Don't believe me? I'll prove it. First, start with a cage containing five monkeys, any variety will do, but mostly
Picture of the Week Most Spirited!
those crazy spider monkeys work the best. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs underneath it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey will make an attempt, with the same result - all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when one of the monkeys tries to climb the stairs, the others will try to prevent it. Now, put away the cold water and remove one monkey from the cage, replacing it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the
Monkey (Dramatization) other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted. Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! LikeContinued on page 3
Ramdiculous Observances Saturday - Change Your Oil Day (a good suggestion) Sunday - Babbling Day (count yourself lucky if you are a brook) Monday - World's End Day (well, we had a good run while it lasted) Tuesday - no holiday, the world ended yesterday Wednesday - see above Thursday - refer to Monday
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Volume 3, Issue 4
Rambelle of the Week This weeks Rambelle of the Week is Kendra Franke. She is a freshman from Water Valley, Texas, who just so happened to be the most spirited fan at the homecoming game. Kendra is an animal science student who also participates in Block and Bridle, the organi-
zation that takes care of our mascot.
Awkwardness... Nearly burning down your apartment while making homemade granola... in the microwave.
The Weekly Journal The topic of allergies causing mold spores
This section of the Ramdiculous Page is for things that make a normal person feel awkward… Submit your thoughts @ ramdiculous.com
planted by tomatoes has recently come to mind. Thank goodness for postal work. But if you have no been alleviated of this topic before, it should prove to be a fun time. It always is. First off, mold spores, or, for
MOVIE REVIEW Unfor tuna te ly, Kendall T Longbottom is still undergoing treatment in the Cedar Ridge Institution and was unable to complete his duties as movie reviewer for this week. However, we have it on good authority that he is
to be released this Friday, the 19th, and will be attending the release of 30 Days of Night for next week's issue. --Staff
the more scientifically inclined person, fungus sporitis, is a deadly animal caused by water…yes, water. You see, water acts on fungus sporitis like water acts on sand. It has absolutely no effect on it. Water, in a queer way, seems to make the fungus wet. Imagine that. I should get a Nobel Prize for kickboxing. Strange as it may seem, that is the exact way to get fungus sporitis to stay put. Then it can’t kill you. Woohooo! Tomatoes used to be thought of a poisonous. I should have been dead long ago. I cannot have a salad without tomatoes. Many of you think tomatoes are gross. But alas! Yea…about that. But you must watch out for those tomatoes. Only get the red kinds. All others have been infected by the fungus sporitisinfected water. Those turn green the red then purple and the color of a grapefruit after being smashed into a wall at high velocity. But anyways……..yea. —George Ferguson
Volume 3, Issue 4
Continued from page 1
wise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.
After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done round here. And that, my friends, is how company policies are made. Just ask Donald Trump, clearly it has worked for him.
What is your nickname?
Quote of the Week Mrs. Chucklesworth
It’s your world, I’m just livin in it. —Lane Arledge This Week’s Happenings Television… If you want it back let us know…
When our favorite shows come back we will put random ones here… i.e. Lost...
BSM Activities Ignite @ 7:30 PM on Monday Freshmen Bible Study @ 7:30 PM on Tuesday Logos Lunch @ 12 PM on Friday
ASU Choirs, Halloween Spooktacular, 7:30 p.m. Oct. 23, City Auditorium. Athletic Foundation Luncheon, $7, Noon Monday, UC Davidson.
Consumables of the Week Drink:
Red Bull Make sure you have at least one this week
Volume 3, Issue 4
PSA - Breaking Wind Have you ever been on top of a mountain, just looking down at the world below? If you have, consider yourself lucky. Most people have not, either that or while they were up there, they were blown off by a gust of wind. Now, while this is not a very common occurrence, it does happen nonetheless. Wind is a powerful force to be reckoned with and most people do not think of it as a danger. I am here to tell you that it is indeed, very dangerous. So much so in fact, that the National Weather Service has deemed it to be quite possibly the most dangerous natural phenomenon in the world, aside from my devilishly good looks. Wind acts in mysterious fashions and you never quite know where it will strike next. You could be under attack right now as you are reading this -- wind is a very jealous entity and hates people knowing anything about it. Be careful not to let the wind see you reading this right now, it might pick you up
By: Enrique Poblano
and throw you in front of a van. There is one thing though, that wind cannot stand nor combat and that is the mighty force of breaking it. If you break wind while it is in mid-attack, then the wind will simply disappear, as will most people around you. For it is well documented that breaking wind will eventually catch up to you and the retribution and wrath you will feel will be swift. If you do happen to break wind though, count yourself lucky that for at least a few minutes, you will not be under attack and can find a suitable safe haven in a structure of some kind. It is highly recommended to be near a car when you break wind so that you can make a swift exit and avoid being pinpointed for a retaliation strike. So remember, avoid mountains and try to break wind, if you indeed must break it, near a car so that you can outrun the wind's attempt to thwart you again.
Potato chips are good
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Brussels sprouts are bad I hope this has enlightened you â€˜Cause it was all I had
YOU KNOW WHO THIS IS???
If you do, tell us at: ramdiculous.com And we will put your name in the paper.
Volume 3, Issue 4
Thoughts To Ponder •
If you have a cold hot pocket, is it just a pocket?
Do people who use sign language see little hands in their head when they think about what somebody said, or do they hear the words in their head?
If marbles are not made of marble, why are they called marbles?
Looking for a customized website for your business? Give us a call and set up a meeting.
email@example.com (512) 567-4460
80% of our readers prefer Colbert to Stewart
Words of wisdom from the great Stephen Colbert
These are some brainteasers, if you don’t know what they are go home… the answers will be down there next week... Missing Link Timeless Classic
ATfrankfrankRA issue issue issue issue issue issue issue issue issue issue
Two Timing Back Stabber
I’m not racist, I know I’m white because people tell me and cops call me sir. Art by:
The Mad Hatter From Alice in Wonderland Thanks to: Alicia Campbell, Kayla Spence, Jiffy Scruggs, and Derek Durst.
We also have the RAMDICULOUS PAGE in color, online!
Volume 3, Issue 4
Welcome back to our c o n tinuing examination of the illustrious man known as Stephen Colbert. This week, in part three, our focus is on what the everyday person thinks of Stephen Colbert. We conducted extensive and exhaustive research on the streets of San Angelo informally interviewing people and gaining a general idea of what they thought of Mr. Colbert. The following is what we have discovered. Stephen Colbert has a strong following in the 18-26 year old demographic, with the predominant viewer being of the male persuasion. Our research indicates that it is mostly the male viewers who appreciate the style of reporting and sense of humor that Stephen Colbert has honed as his persona on television. The females who watch The Colbert Report stated that they enjoyed the humor, but frankly thought that Colbert needed "more cute boys" on the show if he wanted to draw a larger female fan base. To which our interviewer let his opinion be known by telling the ladies that they were stupid and shallow. Our data also showed a strong viewership in the 27-33 year old range, with much the same result as far as gender bias. The main difference between the age groups, however, was that the older population is much more able to actually understand that the humorous deliveries address the pertinent issues of the country today. The persons interviewed commended Colbert for tackling the important issues with a humorous twist, citing that they have seen and experienced a marked decline in the intelligence of the nation as a whole and thus, a more "in your face, humorous approach" is needed in order to get the younger viewers to pay attention long enough to listen. We failed to find anyone above the age of 34 that actually watched the show, but the few people we interviewed said that they were aware of who Stephen Colbert was and had an appreciation for him "reaching out to the younger MTV generation and trying to get them interested in the world around them." This was somewhat insulting to our interviewer, but understandable. The world does revolve around MTV and all those insipid shows about blonde bimbos and freakishly muscled morons who otherwise have no lives outside of their shopping sprees, endless parties, and debates over which pair of Jimmy Choo's are the cutest. There were a few dissenters in the ranks of our interviews, but why give them any press? We are here to discover why Stephen Colbert is So Damn Awesome, not listen to people who do not understand or appreciate his position. However, some of our favorite quotes from those who did not like Colbert follow: "He doesn't do anything, all he does is mock everyone in the political arena. He shouldn't have a show that allows him to do that, that's like totally un-American." Really? We were under the impression that that is VERY American. Questioning those around you and keeping them honest is the basis of our government, it's called Checks and Balances for a reason...Take a political science class for God's sake. "Colbert's a hack. He coat-tailed Jon Stewart for years and then Comedy Central pitied him and gave him his own lame show to make him stop crying himself to sleep." Interesting. And you base this on what wealth of knowledge that you have of Comedy Central and Stephen Colbert? If you knew anything, you would know that Colbert was actually a key writer for the show during his time there before being offered his own spin-off series to create a "power hour of truth" for Comedy Central*. "Stephen Colbert is just angry because he could never be a politician. Plus, he's kinda ugly." Well, that's brilliant insight for someone who has bleached her brain a few too many times. FYI, Colbert recently illuded to possibly throwing his hat into the ring of politics on a little show called Larry King Live, perhaps you've heard of it?...Well, then again, maybe not, he's "kinda ugly," too. And there you have it, folks, straight from the horseâ€™s mouth by way of my computer. Stephen Colbert is a well loved comedic satirist and political mastermind. You can't argue with us, we're a newspaper so we're always right. Take that, 1950's society! * denotes that actual reasoning for the show's creation is made up, but probably somewhere close to the truth.
Volume 3, Issue 4
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Britney Spears was allowed one overnight stay per week with her children. Senator Palpatine (aka Ms. Spears) is trying to raise Darth Sidius and Darth Maul correctly. F.Y.I. Britney, they are evil. Go do your drugs.
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Mega-Huge Ultra-Stupid rapper T.I. is still in custody on federal weapons charges. Authorities say he tried to buy two machine guns and silencers from a man cooperating with the Bureau of alcohol, tobacco and explosives. Seriously, what could be so bad about living in America that you need machine guns? Some say “Well, he lives tha thug life!” Yes, he is, and he will be living “tha thug life” in jail with Big Booty Bubba. It’s just not worth it.
For those of you who followed Lost, Michele Rodriguez was sent back to the big house for violating probation for alcohol-related charges. If you still don’t know which one she is, she was the leader of the rebel group that the main group found around the beginning of the second season. Im pretty sure all who watched it wanted her to get eaten by the invisible thing that smokes… On a lighter side, rapper Snoop Dogg has sued his ex-label company for some strange reason. But the funny part is, the judge presiding over his case did not recognize his name in court because the Dogg used his real name “Calvin Broadus”. I don’t know about you but the name Calvin Broadus doesn’t convey a rapper who shoots people. I think of tea and scones…
Ok, so we received an idea from a Rambelle of the Week from long ago, who thought having a Mythbusters segment would be cool… So we are going to run with it… If you have any kind of Myth that you want to find out the truth on, email us @ firstname.lastname@example.org Ok Ram Rugby fans, this year there are only two home games left, so plan for them.
RAMDICULOUS IS DEAD…
Saturday, December 15, 2007 (alumni game) Saturday, January 19, 2008 (University of Texas)
YEAH RIGHT, we just had some printing problems last week.
Remember: new players are always welcome. Have a great week!
A A NGELO S TATE ' S F INEST P APER S INCE F ALL 2006
Movies That We Want To See
30 DAYS OF NIGHT 10:30am 1:30pm 4:30pm 7:30pm 10:20pm
To Bring *REAL* News to ASU
GONE BABY GONE 10:45am 1:45pm 4:45pm 7:45pm 10:35pm RENDITION 11:00am 2:00pm 5:00pm 8:00pm 10:50pm THE COMEBACKS 10:00am 1:00pm 4:00pm 7:00pm 9:50pm
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
Find out Soon!
10:15am 1:15pm 4:15pm 7:15pm 10:05pm THE KINGDOM
10:20AM 1:20PM 4:20PM 7:20PM 10:10PM GOOD LUCK CHUCK
W Eâ€™RE ONLINE www.ramdiculous.com
10:10am 1:10pm 4:10pm 7:10pm 10:00pm MR. WOODCOCK 10:05am 1:05pm 4:05pm 7:05pm 9:55pm
Published every Friday and available to students on campus. This newspaper does not express the opinions of any writer, editor, or anyone affiliated with Angelo State University or the Texas Tech University system or this newspaper. We welcome all letters. Please include your name, position, and an email address. Letters are subject to laws governing obscenity, libel and privacy. All submissions are considered property of the Ramdiculous Page and will not be returned. Submit your letters via our email, email@example.com. Opinions in any letter or writing are not necessarily those of the staff, nor should any opinion expressed in a public forum be construed as the opinion or policy of the administration. By submitting anything to the Ramdiculous Page, you are giving the Ramdiculous Page permission to use your Facebook or Myspace profile in any way the Ramdiculous Page deems usable. If you are a teacher you need not worry, we will not use your profiles.