Ramdiculous Page Angelo State 's Fines t Paper Since Fall 2006
What Global Warming?
Volume 2, Issue 4
February 23, 2007 Donkey Race Day
Included in this issue: Ram of the Week
Quote of the Week
Thoughts To Ponder
Last Issue’s Answers
What would you do if you married a soldier? What could you do, but to follow the gun? And what would you do if he died in the ocean? What could you do, but to marry again? Oh, and what would you do if the cows ate the clover? What could you do, but to set it again? Though these are all good questions, what do they have to do with the price of tea in China? Absolutely nothing. Who cares if the cow eats the clover? As I understand it, clover isn’t particularly tasty nor is it very good for you. Unless of course, it is a four leaf clover, but those are used to getting looked over. I overlooked one before. This idea that cows eat the clover has been part of a recent study of late by the committee assigned to look at global warming. As we all know, former Vice President Al Gore invented, among other things, global warming. He was an integral part of the issue being brought to the forefront of American thought. Why, then, is it only recently he has changed his tune and decided that global warming is a bad thing? Perhaps he has realized that polar ice caps are melting or that the world is not as friendly as it once was. Or maybe, just maybe, he has decided that global warming is bad because he wants to continue to be the one to “invent” the solutions to the worlds’ problems. I mean, where would we be right now if Al Gore had not invented the internet? No one would be able to keep in instantaneous contact with one another nor would we be able to mindlessly play games for days at a time. No, the reason global warming is bad now, according to Al Gore, is because the cows are flatulent. But is this really Mr.
Picture of the Week Wouldn’t You Like to Know...
Gore’s fault? This reporter thinks not. The cows, while a large contributor to the problem, are not the main reason for global warming. True, cows produce a large quantity of body heat and flatulence that radiates upward, but it is not their fault that they are alive. The reason so many cows are still alive is due to hippies. Not the hippies of days of yore that gave away free love and smoked an incredible amount of marijuana, but the new breed of hippie…the vegan hippie. Now, not to say that vegans are wrong in their beliefs, because, after all, this is America and to each his own, lest there be a lawsuit for a hate crime, but it is this new breed of hippie-ism that has brought on global warming. If it weren’t for the extremely fanatical vegans screaming for animal rights and protections, the cows would be less of a population on this earth because the carnivorous people of the world would be able to consume at will our bovine deliciousness. In turn, this eating of the cows would, logically, eradicate cow flatulence and alleviate a large part of the global warming phenomenon. This seems to make sense. Eating a cow kills it. If a cow is dead, there is no way for it to produce methane to expel from its bowels. Ergo, no more cow flatulence. The world is safe once again. If only it were that simple. The problem with eradicating the cows would only then lead to having to kill off more animals because someone would use another species as a scapegoat. Personally, I would vote for getting rid of the emus. They are slightly less tasty than their ostrich
Global Warming (dramatization) counterparts, but far more aggressive and mean. But if we did this, the world would have to go down the line until we killed off all species of animals. So, the Ramdiculous Page proposes this solution: let’s get rid of what really started global warming in the first place -- Al Gore. We could dump him off the side of an ocean liner or push him in front of a bus, then the world would be rid of his flatulence and verbal diarrhea. This would cause the world to cool down by leaps and bounds and we could still please both the carnivores and the hippies of the world**. -- Samuel Clemens ** This is a satirical piece and in no way represents true ideas about killing Al Gore++ ++Note above written so other papers will “get” the joke.
Strange Observances (holidays etc…) Saturday: National Tortilla Chip Day (mmm...Julios) Sunday: Feast of the Stinky Butts (guess I don’t have to shower) Monday: Sourdough Rendezvous (keep it a secret from the rye) Tuesday: Polar Bear Day (...hug one..?) Wednesday: Public Sleeping Day
Thursday: National Pig Day (clearly thought up by Arkansas fans)
Submit your photos at ramdiculous.com
Volume 2, Issue 4
RAM OF THE WEEK Jonathan Bunn came to Angelo State University directly from the boarder town, Del Rio. He came to college in attempt to earn a Bachelor’s in Computer Science. Along the way to his degree he started to work for the IT costumer support team with the help desk, multimedia, and as a lab assistant for the various computer labs around campus. He may be a wiz at troubleshooting computer errors, but his true quality is his heart. Jonathan is one of the kindest and most loyal of men I have ever met. If he could, he would try and make the entire world happy, no matter the cost. He is very dedicated to his job, family, and friends, and enjoys acting goofy by saying one of his favorite phrases, “Cheese!” He says he likes saying this key word of joy because when somebody replies to it, they automatically smile. Although Jon is extremely modest, I believe him to be very verse in the technical world of computers. He has the patience and aptitude to walk any person through problems in a calm, clear way so they understand. Jonathan says he cares too much, but I think that is a quality that this world needs. The kindness Jonathan gives, creates a little joy and laughter in anyone’s day.
When one of your co-worker’s tells you that the machine needs a good blow This section of the Ramdiculous Page is for things that make a normal person feel awkward… Submit your thoughts @ ramdiculous.com
BREACH Ambitious FBI trainee Eric O'Neill (Ryan Phillippe) thinks he's one step closer to becoming an agent when steely Kate Borroughs (Laura Linney) recruits him for a secret assignment. But the job is disappointin gly seamy: Posing as a lowly office clerk, O'Neill will be spying on counterintelligence offic er Han s s en ( Ch ris Cooper), who se secret life — consorting with strippers, frequenting online porn sites and the like — has the potential to embarrass the Bureau. O'Neill nevertheless dutifully snoops and reports, keeping long hours and enduring snid e critici sm, demeaning assignments and constant sneaky tests of loyalty. O'Neill's German-born wife, Juliana (Caroline Dhavernas), resents being kept in the dark and grows uncomfortable with his assignment — whatever it is — especially when it starts to include socializing with Hanssen and his devout, devoted wife, Bonnie (Kathleen Quinlan). And O'Neill finds nothing: Increasingly puzzled as to why he's been sicced on a dedicated, God-fearing man whose worst flaws seem to be perfectionism, ruthless honesty and contempt for politics, O'Neill finally forces Burroughs to let him in on the operation behind the operation. Hanssen is a perv, but he's also a turncoat directly responsible for the murder of at least
three informants. The Bureau's source of information is impeccable but dirty, and if they want to see Hanssen punished, they have to catch him red-handed. Like Robert De Niro's The Good Sheppard (2006) and the novels of John Le Carre, Ray's film proceeds from the proposition that espionage is routine and duller than certified public accounting; Hanssen's story unfolds against a backdrop of dreary offices and anonymous hallways, and the action leans heavily toward reading files, hooking up computers and dealing with self-interested bureaucrats. But Cooper's seething portrayal of Hanssen as a vain, thin-skinned bully who's become so good at outfoxing foxes that he turns on the henhouse would be just as vivid amid whizzing bullets and exotic mata haris. Phillippe has the unenviable task of trying to make O'Neill equally interesting, but an eager beaver with some unresolved family issues is no match for a poisoned soul methodically laying the groundwork for his own inevitable fall. The unfortunate imbalance makes long stretches of the film feel dull, but when Cooper is on screen it's mesmerizing. Overall, the film was stodgy and very slow building as it was “based on actual” events. The pace was dragging and I felt that the whole time, I was being led around by a child leash. I’d say, though some parts were good, the film over all is a run of the mill, C+. --Towndrow P Snood
Yes you are on Page 2
THE WEEKLY JOURNAL
by: George Ferguson
Hello everybody! Everybody to the limit! Only you fellow Homestar Runner fans will join me in that thought. As all of you have read in the previous edition, the Ram Page got a wee bit mad at us for poking fun, but that’s all history. I consider them the brother I never had. Well, actually I consider them like the younger brother I never had that I picked on without ceasing. I think I might even stuff him in a locker with all the week-old jock straps. But remember Ram Page!!!!!!!!!!! IT IS ALL IN JEST. DON’T GET MAD!!!!! Recently I sat down with my weekly edition of the Ram Page (yes, I read it, but I need to stay up with the competition……well not so much). Anyways, I came across this article that really spoke to me, that made my loins quiver with anticipation of what great writing I may have approached with mine eyes. It was on the second page, just right of the question of the week. The title? Some Things Shouldn’t Be- Do’s and Don’ts of something new: LIFE. Ok first off, since the ‘Page is an “official” newspaper, at least the capitalization could be better. If you will notice in the original story, Do’s was spelled Dos. If a Spanish speaking person were to read this, it wouldn’t make sense to them. Here’s what it would say- Some Things Shouldn’t Be- Two and Don’ts of something new: LIFE. Also learn to capitalize. I just got reals off track so, I gota get back on the wagon. I thought the article was interesting, but it could have been a lot better. So I made some changes. And to you, I present “The 10 Things You Should Not Do According to the Ram Page, But Should Do According to the Ramdiculous Page”. 1. Pet A Porcupine- The animal rights people should be all over you for telling us not to pet porcupines, because, according to them, porcupines are humans too. So go show some love to a porcupine (no not that you sick freaks) and go pet a porcupine. Heck. You might as well go pet an anaconda. 2. Sky Diving/Bungee Jump- This must be on everybody’s agenda. It looks fun and exciting, and it really is. But I’m going to tell you a secret that they don’t want you to know. They give you free candy if you hit bottom. It is a national law. If you hit the ground when bungee jumping or skydiving, you get a lifetime supply of candy. They decided it at the Geneva Convention. Look it up. 3. Take Candy From a Baby- Go ahead and take candy from that toddler that shouldn’t have candy in the first place. I read in the news that obesity will soon be the number one killer of Americans. This means that it will soon beat smoking as the number one killer. Also, in the next 10 years, 1 in 3 Americans will be obese. My logic is that if you go steal candy from that prepubescent human, then you will be doing them a favor by taking some unnecessary calories from their warm gooey mittens. 4. Swim in a Kiddy Pool- Only swim in a kiddy pool if you have a Haz-Mat suit on. And enough Lysol to liberate the Iranians. 5. Watch American Idol- This is a must do for me, especially early on in the program because all the idiots get up there and sing/scream/whine their hearts out. Much fun is to be had here. Also, laughing at these morons boost the overall health of your body. Get a two-for-one deal by watching American Idio…I mean American Idol. 6. This one is directed toward the girls- Please, ask us our opinion on your choice of outfit. Since you are trying to appeal to men (hopefully), then we know what we think is nice looking, and what is stupid. A sensibly dressed woman is the most beautiful of them all. Short/tight skirts and low-cut shirts are what I call “not appropriate”. So please, ask a man and save all other men from agony. 7. Quote Star Trek- Even though quoting Star Trek may seem geeky, it is actually a nice thing to do for William Shatner. If you will, it is a way to honor his memory (even though he is not dead….yet). If I was William Shatner, I would want people to be quoting me left and right. I would even re-enact scenes from certain episodes. 8. Speed in a School Zone- Go test your reflexes. But really…don’t. 9. Laugh in Public when you are Alone- This is up to you, but I do it every day. I am reminded of what my friend’s fortune cookie said a couple days ago and laugh, or I laugh at what the Christmas lights spelled out a day before we left for the break. But of course, I laugh anywhere- on the pot, shaving (not a good idea), in class, at Zentner’s Daughter(s?). My mission for you, should you choose to accept it, is to go laugh outside with people around. It’s for fun. 10. Order a burger at an Italian Restaurant- We should all try to widen our horizons as far as culture, food, and the culture’s food go. I have eaten spaghetti at a Mexican restaurant before and it was not half bad. So why would ordering a burger at an Italian Restaurant be any different? Go try it. You haven’t lived until you have. Well that’s it for me. Just remember that you will have to use your best judgment when trying these things. Please use all precautions, especially when ordering a burger at an Italian place, because we all now how bad that could turn out. The Ramdiculous Page is not liable for what you or your stupid little buddies might do. If you send a tape in about you and your stupid little buddies shanghaiing a wee babies candy, it will be watched and laughed at, without any monetary compensation headed your way. Keep that in mind, and please remember to let your pet mate as many times as they want. In about 10 months we might have something to shoot at.
Volume 2, Issue 4
WEATHER: Kuala Belait, Brunei
If you could go anywhere, were would you go?
Quote of the Week “I’m disappointed in you, you know only God and the government can decide who dies”
Keith Greer-May a box factory
This Week’s Happenings
Primetime TV Show
How I Met Your Mother
Rules of Engagement
Theresa Henry umm.........hawaii
Bam’s Unholy Union
The Knights of Prosperity
One Tree Hill
The War at Home
The Sarah Silverman Program
Dacy Briggs Communist Russia...where the shirt wears you!
BSM Activities Monday: Ignite @ 7:30 PM Tuesday: Freshman Bible Study @ 7:30 PM Friday: Logos Lunch, $1 Lunch, @ 12:00 PM
Consumables of the Week
Baseball and Basketball Junnell Center Check RAMPORT
Rugby TRU Championship Quarterfinals Feb 24
FROZEN DAQUIRI (alcohol optional)
BURGER Make sure you have at least one this week
Volume 2, Issue 4
Driving: Hazardous to Your Pants Driving is a fairly simplistic task that many of us engage in daily to get through our routine. One could almost say that driving is a mindless task because of the repetition and mundane nature of the actions associated with it, but that would be a lie. For instance, paying attention to the road and the various signs denoting upcoming intersections, stoppages in the flow of traffic and, most importantly, direction are a couple of things that require a fair amount of intelligence and attention. These things, along with making sure that the radio presets are arranged in descending order and that your lipstick is evenly applied in thirteen coats, are among the most key to a good driving experience. However, when you are faced with a difficult decision, like reaching for that sprinkled donut you dropped near the gas pedal while approaching a major intersection or whether to attempt driving down the interstate with your eyes closed, there are a few key things to remember: 1) the donut will still be at your feet when you reach your destination and will still taste just as good (the shoe marks and odd body hair only increases the flavor) 2) if you reach for the donut, Robert Goulet will have already eaten it and he will then devour your arm thinking that it is a Bavarian crème filled long john 3) no matter what,
closing your eyes is always a bad idea (even during sleep) 4) if you drive with your eyes closed, that guy who played Jon Boy Walton on “The Walton’s” will inevitably be in the middle of the road and you will kill him (not a bad thing if you dislike “The Walton’s” however). But in all seriousness, my personal favorite thing to see when I’m driving is old people. The way the sunlight glints off their scalp through their slowly deteriorating blue/silver hair is awe-inspiring. And when they swerve quickly because they’ve nodded off behind the wheel, I giggle like a schoolgirl on the playground. And yet, my all-time favorite, hands down, has got to be when I am driving down a divided road and see a lovely elderly woman bearing down on me at thirty-five miles an hour and she doesn’t seen to notice that she is on the wrong side of the road. How is this possible? How can you not see another car coming at you head-on and not be thinking that something is amiss? In all honesty, it could have been because of the senility factor or the glaring sunlight shining in the back windshield of her car or perhaps it was the fact that her forehead was doing the
steering and her eyes were in the instrument panel. Whatever the reason, I feared for my life as there was a car in the lane adjacent and it appeared the elderly woman was not in any mood to stop her vehicle. As I saw my life flash myself, I slammed ever so gently on the brakes and came to a stop so that if I did get hit, I could not be held accountable in any fashion. And then the craziest thing happened, that old broad kept coming at me! I considered reversing my lumbering vehicle but decided against it because that boat wouldn’t move too swiftly backwards. Waiting for the impending doom, I’m pretty sure that I pooped on myself a little bit. Luckily, the oncoming elderly woman looked up past the dashboard and saw that she was definitely on the wrong side of the road and began to slow down. As she did, she approached a division in the median and turned swiftly to the proper side of the road. I breathed a sigh of relief and quickly realized that I needed to go change my poop-filled pants. So I did and I’m glad that I am still alive and in unsoiled drawers. —Edward R Murray
POETRY CORNER You are my shelter from the storms My steadfast ground on which to stand A place to hide from chaos all around me Anchored to withstand the tides of whim
Thoughts To Ponder •
If heat rises, then shouldn't hell be cold?
Can mute people burp?
Wouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate?
You comfort me when I’m downtrodden You are my compass, my life’s perfect gauge All that you’ve done—it will never be forgotten My hope, my strength, Ramdiculous Page
DO YOU KNOW WHO THIS IS???
If you do, go to: ramdiculous.com
Volume 2, Issue 4
MORE THINGS TO THINK ABOUT How do we get deer to cross at the road signs of themselves? Do you think infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? Have you ever noticed that, in American society, we give children, bouncing, energetic non-tiring children naps, yet we, as adults don't get this when we don't have boundless energy?? I think societies that have siestas are awesome and on the right track. What sick twisted person came up with the word lisp?? People who have lisps can't even tell people what they have
because it has an S in it. Why does everyone get so upset about the word retarded? People who are mentally retarded don't really care and I personally think its messed up to call them me nt a l l y h a ndic a p p e d Americans or mentally disabled when most of them don't have the attention span to say the entire thing. Its easier for them to say retarded and if someone calls you retarded and you get angry then you are probably past retarded because you got mad. Why do "midgets" want to be called dwarves or little people? When I say midget you know exactly
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what I am talking about. If I say little person you can think of children. A little too vague. And you aren't a dwarf if you won't have a really, really long beard and carry around a huge battle axe. That is a dwarf. Why do we drive on parkways and park in driveways? Well unfortunately that’s all I have for the moment, but my mind is random and there is more in there.
A These are some brainteasers, if you don’t know what they are go home… the answers will be down there next week...
The Answers from last week:
LISTEN TO US ON: Ramdiculous will be making weekly appearances on Ram Radio’s “The ***** & Keith Show” LIVE Thursday @ 5:30pm - 7:30pm www.angelo.edu/services/ramradio or go to ramdiculous.com and click on Ram Radio
B. S. B. A.
M. B. A
OHOLENE Who’s in charge Long over due Neon Lights
Schroeder from Peanuts
I’m bigger than you ***** = censored by ASU Com. Dept.
Volume 2, Issue 4
Old Proverbs Lie to Us
CONGRATULATIONS Christopher Charles Cooper On his future fatherhood
Sports Scores Men’s Basketball: 85-61, TAMK Women’s Basketball: 73-57, ASU Rugby: 50-12, ASU
I’ve heard it said that you can’t buy love, but if this is true, then why do we pay for hookers? Hookers provide us with some semblance of what the modern world now considers love since most people equate love to sex. But, then, that would mean that the saying money can’t buy love would be outdated and ineffective? I believe so. And therefore, I submit that the saying should no longer be money can’t buy love but instead should be changed to say, “money can’t buy true love, but can get you all the sex with disease ridden hookers that you desire.” Realize, of course, that changing this phrase would mean that an entire host of other phrases would need to be changed as well. In example, the old adage that goes, “The best things in life are free.” Now, this is just ridiculous. Obviously, the best things in life are not free because I’ve never been able to have someone just give me a 1966 Corvette Stingray in midnight blue with the original leather interior, and I’m fairly certain that is
one of the best things in life (from my perspective). Yet, if the things you desire and consider the best things in life are air and dirt, then I suppose you are set. Another phrase that is bothersome and quite frankly a bit weird is the one that goes, “A friend in need is a friend indeed.” What the heck are you on about? Who wants a needy friend hanging around all the time? The only way they can be a friend to you is to need to be near you 24/7 and that’s just bloody annoying. I believe I shall start a petition to encourage the Old Adage and Proverb Commission to change this phrase from its current state and instead make it say, “A friend in need is a friend who will get annoying really fast and someone you won’t want to hang around ever because all they do is whine about how miserable their life is going.” I think that would be much better, though it does make the job of stitching it on to a pillow a bit more cumbersome.
The last phrase that I believe should be changed is one that I am sure everyone is aware exists and has probably asked what the heck does that really mean? I speak, of course, of that wonderful phrase, “Time is money.” We all know that time is in fact, not money. Time is time and money is money. Why are you trying to confuse us Old Adage and Proverb people? Because if time WERE money, then those of us who were lazy slobs, or overly avid video gamers, would have so much time on our hands we would be astoundingly rich. Therefore, since time is not money and that phrase is crap, it should be now and forever changed to something more truthful like, “Time is a cyclical entity in which if you have a job, is equal to an income of money proportionate to the amount of time you spent doing a job.” --Albert Einstein
Softball: 6-4, ASU Baseball: 10-3, St. Ed’s
CELL PHONES AND YOU (a public service announcement) There are two basic rules when it comes to classroom etiquette. The first is, don’t bring a skunk to class. That one seems largely self-explanatory, so I won’t waste your time by going further into that. But the other rule, though it seems simple enough, has somehow managed not to be as easy to follow as some might think it should be. This is, of course, the rule that states, “Thou shalt not leave thy cell phone ringer on whilst thou art in class,” the “golden rule” of classroom etiquette. So why do students have so much trouble with this one? I rarely go a week in a given class without
someone’s cell phone going off, yet all of those could have been stopped with just a simple push of a button (or two or three). This has made me wonder if there is something about putting their cell phones on “silent” or “vibrate” which frightens people. After all, technology can certainly be frightening. In my research, I discovered that if you alter the volume of your ring without the proper technique, it could potentially explode with enough force to take off your hand. Then of course there is the perfectly rational worry that while the phone is on “silent,” there could be a national emer-
gency, and the President would not be able to get a hold of you. I also realize that when you turn down the volume on any Cingular phone you simultaneously transmit your position to blood thirsty aliens. Through this, I have come to realize that this “simple” task is most definitely not without danger, but I do believe that with the proper precautions, we can still all abide by this rule; and, if we’re lucky, class will end in time for us to run and hide from the aliens.
Words of wisdom from the great Stephen Colbert “Barack Obama isn’t the first African American to run for president, just the first to have a prayer. Which is ironic, since the other two were reverends.” “Have you ever gotten to touch John Bolton’s moustache? It looks so soft and inviting.”
—George Orwell “All animals are equal, but some are more equal than others”
Do you want to know where the best places in San Angelo are to eat??? Well you have the right paper once again… Over this semester we will be ranking different dining establishments based only on taste. Each week we will tell you which establishment has the best food.
1. Angelo Burger 947-2070 2702 Southwest Blvd
2. Outback Steakhouse 3. Cheddar’s
4. Zentner's Daughter
3057 West Loop 306
5. T-Bear’s Cafe
Runner’s Up 1309 Knickerbocker
(in alphabetical order)
427 W Av I
655-6200 4384 Sherwood Way
2219 W Ave N
Sunset Grill ———Texas Roadhouse Zentner's
433 Sherwood Way 944-7669
3950 W Loop 306
4505 Sherwood Way 224-2796
This contest is based on the Ramdiculous Staff’s taste buds. We encourage the reader to try out the different restaurants on this list. We were not bribed in any way for the outcome of this contest. NOTHING INFLUENCED US. All results are final. We take no responsibility for any action that results from this story. Food is good and we like it, this is why this story is run. Come back next week for CHINESE FOOD (if anyone will participate)… —RAMDICULOUS PAGE If you would like to be included in the Ramdiculous food testing competition drop us an email at email@example.com thanks
A NGELO S TATE ' S F INEST P APER S INCE FALL 2006
To Bring *REAL* News to ASU
Movies That We Want To See
RENO 911!: MIAMI Ramdiculous Staff Wouldn’t You Like To Know
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let us know…
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RAMDICULOUS POLICY Published every Friday and available to students on campus. This newspaper does not express the opinions of any writer, editor, or anyone affiliated with Angelo State University or the Texas State University system or this newspaper. We welcome all letters. Please include your name, position, and an email address. Letters are subject to laws governing obscenity, libel and privacy. All submissions are considered property of the Ramdiculous Page and will not be returned. Submit your letters via our email, firstname.lastname@example.org. Opinions in any letter or writing are not necessarily those of the staff, nor should any opinion expressed in a public forum be construed as the opinion or policy of the administration. By submitting anything to the Ramdiculous Page, you are giving the Ramdiculous Page permission to use your Facebook or Myspace profile in any way the Ramdiculous Page deems usable.