Ramdiculous Page Angelo State's Finest Paper Since Fall 2006
It’s the End of the World As We Know It Volume 1, Issue 7 December 1, 2006 Eat a red apple day
Included in this issue: Ram of the Week
Quote of the Week
The end of the world is at hand. Or so some people say. Many theories abound as to how the world is going to be destroyed. Will it be flood, famine, disease, war, George Bush, or something far worse? No one knows for certain, but someday a select group of people will be able to actually experience the end and they will carry that secret with them forever. But what of these claims that people are making about the end of the world? Are they based on substantiated research, sheer intuition, Biblical truth, or simply made up so that others will pay attention? Most claims of the end of days (no, not the movie with Arnold), are largely frantic pleas of hopelessness and despair. Research data that has been recently fictionalized shows that people who rave about the end of the world have been homeless and living in New York since 1964. Some claims are based solely on the hugely popular alphabet soup theory, wherein people are convinced that the letters in their soup are spelling out how the world will end. We happened to run into one such person and his story was definitely intriguing and, actually, quite plausible. The man, called Jon, always ate in the same booth of the same diner each day and always ordered the alphabet soup. One day, after seeing a special on PBS about the possible end of the world, Jon noticed that in his soup there was a cryptic message being relayed. The letters formed the word “oooooooow” and Jon took this to mean that something bad was going to befall him. Until he saw that next to that, there was another word, “boy.” Jon immediately ate the soup so as not to draw attention to himself for fear that someone else might see his discovery. Later that night, Jon dreamt about the cryptic message and awoke in a cold sweat. He quickly determined that a young boy, possibly named Timmy, was going to end the world with a simple childish act. The story goes that Timmy would be flying a kite in the park on a Saturday, perhaps it was the 4th of July. Well, as fate would have it, Timmy’s kite gets stuck in a tree in the tallest branch. Going after his toy, Timmy scales the tree and reaches valiantly for his kite. Sadly, Timmy’s arms are just too short, so he shimmies out farther on the branch. But the branch
Picture of the Week Ramdiculous Got Ramsacked!!!
is too weak at the point Timmy comes to rest and he subsequently falls. The branch snaps in half and hurtles toward the ground below. At that moment, a young woman is walking her dog under the tree. She hears the crack of the wood but assumes that someone is playing baseball nearby. Mistakenly, she sits down under the tree Timmy is falling out of and lets her dog off the leash to run around and play. No sooner than she gets the leash off, Timmy falls on the woman causing her to scream in pain and throw the leash from her hand. The woman saved Timmy’s life by breaking the fall. The leash flails through the air and heads straight toward a hot dog vendor. When the leash smacks the man in the eye, he falls face first down into the hot dog water in his cart, splashing water and hot dogs everywhere. The hot dogs start a feeding frenzy with the dogs and they all run at once to eat the free meal. In the process, the mass of canines knocks the cart into motion and it rolls down a hill, into the street where it is struck by a bus. The bus crashes into the cart, sending it hurling toward the ocean and all the while, the bus careens into the Empire State building, shaking the entire foundation. Pretty soon, the bus catches fire, causing a panic. The firefighters are dispatched and arrive quickly but by the time they arrive, some of the Empire State building itself has caught fire as well. The men bravely put out the fire, yet, as they do they accidentally spray too hard and too high, knocking the spire off the building and sending it into the stratosphere. The spire continues on its’ arced path until it comes slamming down into the Statue of Liberty. The impact is so great that the entire statue falls into the ocean, save for one part, the torch. The torch carries the transferred motion and arcs itself on to an oil tanker and lands right in the hull, which creates an oil spill. The oil spill goes unnoticed for quite some time until the tanker arrives in England. Now, back near the site of the torch impacting the tanker, the Coast Guard is trying to clean up the oil trail when someone stupidly smokes a cigarette and throws its remains into the ocean. The man knows that water puts out fire, but he manages to flick his tobacco into the oil slick and it immediately
REM (dramatization) blazes up, putting smoke on the water and fire in the sky. The fire shoots along the trail of oil toward England where it blows up the tanker upon reaching it. The tanker explosion re-ignites the torch’s flight path and it crashes into Buckingham Palace. The Palace crumbles quite easily, as British buildings are shoddy, and part of it takes out Big Ben. London Bridge soon falls down as well and one of the suspension cables slingshots a bolt to France where it strikes down the Eiffel Tower. The tower crashes down and the spire flings itself to Germany. As it destroys the Parliament building in Berlin, the Germans immediately cry war. The Germans declare war on Russia and invade Moscow. Upon hearing this, China jumps in on the action and attacks Tibet. The Tibetans decide to take out their anger on North Korea and challenges them to dueling banjos. Not to be outdone, North Korea blows up the entire world with nuclear devices. And thus ends the existence of the world, according to Jon anyway. We may never know exactly how the world will end or even when, but at least one man had a dream. Well, not really just one man, he wasn’t even a famous man, but he did give us some insight into the most plausible scenario as to the destruction of the world to date. --Samuel Clemens
Strange Observances (holidays etc…) Saturday: Feast of Pirates Day (pirates arrrr good!) Sunday: Nat'l Ice Cream Box Day (buy a box & put ice cream inside) Monday: Wear Brown Shoes Day (unless you don't like shoes) Tuesday: Nat'l Key Day (don't lose them) Wednesday: Nat'l Gazpacho Day Thursday: Nat'l Cotton Candy Day (yes! Trey Smith is a clown!)
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Volume 1, Issue 7
RAM OF THE WEEK Tim is the average Joe who likes to eat ice cream while watching Gilmore girls, does homework in the shower, and uses unscented deodorant. everybody likes Tim. Tim likes everybody. if you don't know Tim, you like Tim. and Tim likes you. get the picture? Tim likes to collect pens and put them in a wood pen holder
on his computer desk. His favorite movie is George of the Jungle. Tim's roommate is Tyler Wolfe. Tyler likes everybody. everybody likes Tyler. Tim Stephens' room could be the most lovable room in all of Texan, Concho, Massie, Vanderventer, Carr, university apartments......
THE WEEKLY JOURNAL
by: George Ferguson
Here is the next installment of the Weekly Rant. I still don’t know why I introduce this article in the same manner every time, but you will have to suck it up and keep reading (if you can read, that is. I could be taunting you at the moment: Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries). To get on with the story, I have found divine inspiration to rant about. I don’t know if this will be a good rant or bad rant. We shall see. Being college students, I know each one of you have looked for ways to procrastinate. As the saying goes, “Procrastinators UNITE! TOMORROW!”. But as we go This section of the Ramdiculous Page is for things that make a normal person about studying, our brains enter into the perilous DANGER YOUR HEAD WILL COMBUST zone. We have all been feel awkward… there. If you say you haven’t then you are a liar. I say that to Submit your thoughts @ email@example.com your faccce. Here is a very short list of what I, for example, might do to procrastinate: 1. Watch TV-most boring of the bunch 2. Befriend a homeless person- very interesting, but depends on the hobo how much fun it could be. 3. Poke your roommate in the face until he punches you in the baby maker- painfull ‘nuff said. 4. Play hokey-pokey with a person in an elevatorwho knows…you might get some tips ($). 5. Have a pick-nick in the elevator- people steal your food. 6. Put a hammock outside your window and sleep in it- you might get barfed on. 7. Have a campout in the gym-you shall be hit by many assortments of balls. The basic premise of this movie is only reason Harold is still alive is that the author is 8. Sing kumbaya while huddled in a circle with some friends in a non-illegal-drugthat an IRS auditor, and poster child for suffering from an epic case of writer’s block and can’t induced-trance- you will be castrated from society. I don’t advise doing this. obsessive-compulsive disorder, wakes up figure out the best way to off him. 9. Go to Wal-Mart, hide in the giant ball racks, and scare people while they walk by- you one morning to the rather unsettling A good movie but not a great one, Stranger Than might get tasered. realization that he has the voice of an Fiction is reminiscent of the films of Charlie Kaufman 10. Try to sneak by the infamous “Benny” late at night in the Concho lobby- Might get Englishwoman narrating you excommunicated from all campuses. (Adaptation, Eternal Sunshine of the Now I know you think I told you to do these out of experience. In fact I have not his life. The voice deSpotless Mind) but lacks that writer’s done all of these activities, only 1, 3, 4, 5, 8, 9, and 10. scribes the state of Harconceptual rigor and imaginative But in my many 2 years of college I have come to the realization that there is an old’s lonely existence; it power. Too often the movie gets lost in lists his neuroses and the thicket of its own ideas and fails to alternative even more powerful than the “top 10 Things to do to Procrastinate”. It is called personality quirks; it even tackle some of the juiciest questions free online games. You know what I’m talking about. They are the games where you shoot Elmo out of a cannon, shoot your competitor with bows and arrows, and compete with the counts the number of those ideas raise: How come Eiffel computer in enchilada eating contests. However moronic, idiotic, stupid, ridiculous these strokes of his toothbrush doesn’t narrate those parts of Harold’s games are, I find myself playing them. They seem to lower my I.Q. by 5 points every time I (which is 38 times for story that involve his looking for her? hit the “START SQUISHING CHINCHILLAS” button. But they are so much fun! It’s like each of his 32 teeth in Did he exist before the book? And how swallowing a pack of pop rocks then chugging a coke (carbonated soda) and jumping! The each direction and 78 could he exist after it? Kaufman would fun just makes you burst! Well this is all I have today. Until then, please remember to have strokes up and down have had a field day answering these to pet wormed or speutered (spade/neutered….get it???) good day.
When I friend offers to sell your virginity on eBay...
Procrastinators U N I T E ! TOMORROW!
Stranger Than Fiction
along the front). The film is full of big names such as Will Ferrell, Emma T h o m p s o n, Ma gg i e Gyllenhaal and even Queen Latifah makes an appearance. At first, Harold seems less concerned than might be expected; he merely trudges through his daily routine like the voice is just the latest in a series of slights and injustices life has heaped upon him. But when the narrator announces that his death is imminent, Harold decides he has to find out who this author is and stop her before she has him thrown off a bridge or into a turbine. It turns out the voice belongs to a talented but troubled novelist who’s famous for her dedication to killing off protagonists. In fact, the
questions. Fiction screenwriter Zach Helm, though, seems unable to fully get his head around them. As Harold, Ferrell is deadpan almost to the point of lifelessness. Unable to fall back on his trademark frat-boy boorishness and chronic nudism, the former Saturday Night Live star retreats into somnolence. Thompson, on the other hand, is excellent as Eiffel, the novelist with a morbid worldview, and Hoffman is clearly having a ball as the unflappable professor Jules Hilbert, whom Harold seeks out so he can get some sort of handle on the sudden literary significance of his meager little life. Hilbert is both Virgil to Harold’s Dante and the most stringent aesthetic philosopher who ever roamed the halls of academia: When he reads Eiffel’s final manuscript, he declares the book a masterpiece and breaks the news to poor Harold that his death, however unfortunate, is essential to the novel’s artistic vitality. Art is beyond morality, he argues, and true art will outlive us all, so
what’s one life sacrificed in the name of creative greatness? The only concern to be had with this film, besides its’ slow pace at times, is the somewhat high brow literary humor. There is not much to be had, but the bits and pieces that fit together within the core of the film might just be a tad advanced for those who are accustomed to seeing a Ferrell film with fart, burp and pee jokes and gratuitous nudity. Although, if you are into largely overweight and hairy university faculty members, then you get your share of nudity. This is one of those adorable fantasy-meets-reality movies where all the characters are less like people and more like cogs in a machine. They have no choice but to keep moving in the direction that the script makes them go, no matter how unrealistic that direction is. You can complain about it being "far-fetched" all day, but it tells you right from the start that Ferrell's wristwatch has thoughts and feelings, and that imaginary voices control people's lives. So unless you leave the theater right then and there, you have to accept its terms. And if you do, you'll really enjoy your time with it. I know that I surely did. This film ranks as one of the more charming and intellectually humorous films thus far and receives an honorable and respectable A- on the ratings scale.
Volume 1, Issue 7
WEATHER: Kansas City, Missouri
Quote of the Week
“I’m not a baby making machine, I just like to practice”
Who will win the Big 12 Championship?
This Week’s Happenings
Primetime TV Show
The School of Rock
Big 12 Championship
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition
The Amazing Race 10
How I Met Your Mother
The New Adventures of Old Christine
Caroline Keaveny Nebraska
Lost would go here if ABC wouldn’t have put a 13-week break in the hit series, We are disappointed. One Tree Hill
Jeremy Oklahoma Upcoming Events
BSM Activities Monday: Lunch for International Students @ noon Monday: Ignite @ 7:30 PM Tuesday: Freshman Bible Study @ 7:30 PM
Forever and Tonight Semi-formal dance Friday 12-1-06 @ 7:30pm to 12am In the UC C.J. Davidson Conference Center Sponsored by the UCPC Spirits & Traditions Committee
Consumables of the Week Drink: Pepsi Snack:
Chewy Bars Make sure you have at least one this week
Volume 1, Issue 7
Interview with a Hippie social protest to gain recognition for a bigger cause? BW: Oh, don’t misunderstand, it is a social protest of sorts, but I’m not directly seeking recognition for someone or something bigger than myself. I just want people to understand that shoes are a commodity, not a necessity. Shoes only serve as a mediator between nature and self, distancing us from where we came from in our past. Not to mention the socio-economic problems producing shoes “offers” the world. RP: I see, and what problems would that be? BW: Well, with the vast majority of shoe manufacturing being outsourced to third world countries where labor is cheap and easily exploitable, corporations are raping these nations of their dignity, lives and proper wages. The whole of American consumerism has turned to bullying other nations to do work they are too tight-fisted to pay proper laborers for. RP: Okay, but what about your body? Aren’t you worried that you will catch ringworm, dysentery, or syphilis? BW: No. RP: Well, why not? There are a lot of disgusting people and things floating around out there. BW: Simple. Nothing can harm you that you do not allow to harm you. By being courageous enough to walk around in a world where all manner of “deadly bacteria” are breeding constantly, I have control over whether something deteriorates my body or not. It goes back that old saying, “mind over matter,” as long as I keep my wits about me and my mind sharp through understanding my own body and the environment, nothing will affect me. RP: So I take it that you don’t believe in modern medicine then? BW: I’m not saying that. I believe that if, in your own consciousness, you feel that something will help you, then it will. Life is all about belief, faith and
So by now, many of you have undoubtedly seen the shoeless student walking around campus, some of you may even know him, but the mystery as to why he has chosen to go without shoes is something that, until now, has been largely unknown. The staff at the Ramdiculous Page decided to see if we, being the amazing team that we are, could procure an interview with “Shoeless Joe” and upon our request, he was more than happy to oblige. Ramdiculous Page (RP): Tell me about yourself, who you are, what you’re doing here. Student: Well, I guess you want a name first. I’m partial to the name Smitty, but currently I go by my given name, Brian Wingert. I’m a senior Kinesiology major here and a very avid fan of awkward situations. RP: Okay, well, we thrive on awkwardness ourselves. I take it you have read the Ramdiculous Page? BW: You bet! I don’t think I’ve missed an issue yet. I love the humor and the avant garde approach. Plus, it’s about time someone mocked the Ram Page. RP: Thank you, but our aim has never been to outright mock the Ram Page. They are a fine paper in most regards. I guess the question on some people’s minds is, why don’t you wear shoes? BW: (audible laughter) I’ll answer your question with a question of my own, do you want the long version or the short version? RP: There are two different reasons? I guess just start with the short answer. BW: Well, to put it as simply as possible, I just plain don’t like shoes. They are pointless to the existence of us as humans. RP: Pointless? In what way? BW: Think about it. What is the first thing a person does, besides urinate, when they get home? RP: I usually take off my shoes. BW: Exactly! I simply took out the middle man and dumped shoes all together. RP: Interesting. So this is not some sort of
enduring hardships. Nothing that you do not believe in can help or harm you. There’s nothing to fear but fear itself, if I can borrow from FDR. RP: Indeed. Then you really believe that nothing will make you sick? BW: Nothing has for the eight months I’ve been going shoeless, so why would I change my mind about it now? RP: Good point. How long do you plan on upholding your boycott? BW: For as long as I feel like, I suppose, which could end shortly after I land a “real job” after I graduate. Until then, I will continue to try and change people’s perception about footwear and help them to see that it truly is pointless., not to mention terrible for your body’s natural alignment. RP: That’s interesting. So are you a hippie? BW: Not at the moment. I have been told that I’m the closest thing many people have ever met that might resemble a modern day hippie, though. RP: Do you like cheese? BW: Not half as much as I like marinara sauce and washboard concerts. RP: In closing, is there anything else you want our readers to know about your shoeless existence? BW: Only this - if you are willing to spend hundreds of dollars on shoes for yourself, why not spend an equal amount on drugs? The buying of shoes is not unlike using narcotics, except that the person getting hurt by your consumerism is a small Ethiopian child instead of your own body. Help end world oppression and exploitation, don’t wear shoes! But if you feel better with shoes on your feet, make your own out of duct tape and napkins. You can call them shurugi and claim that they came from Japan. -- Dennis Haskins
Thoughts To Ponder • If you have a cold hot pocket, is it just a pocket? • If a Jewish person goes to court and is asked to
Wear big necklaces
put their right hand on the Bible, do they use a Torah instead?
• Is eating a mermaid considered cannibalism?
If your stomach hangs out of your shirt then find a new one...
the fashion police
If you would like your ad to appear in the Ramdiculous Page please email us: firstname.lastname@example.org DO YOU KNOW WHO THIS IS???
this weeks do’s and don’ts Don’t dress up your pets Big Belts are in
If you do send your answer to email@example.com the winner will be featured in next weeks paper.
Ramdiculous Page A NGELO S TATE ' S F INEST P APER S INCE F ALL 2006
Do you want to draw a cartoon for the Ramdiculous Page??? Well we need a new comic strip to put here, email us if you want to be featured in the Ramdiculous Page...
To Bring *REAL* News to ASU
Movies That We Want To See
Borat 10:10am 12:20pm 2:30pm 4:40pm 7:25pm 9:40pm Ramdiculous Staff
Wouldn’t You Like To Know
10:00AM 12:45PM 1:20PM 4:10PM 4:45PM 7:30PM 8:15PM 10:45PM
Deja Vu 10:40am 1:40pm 4:40pm 7:40pm 10:35pm Let’s Go To Prison
W E ’ R E O N M Y S PA C E
11:45am 2:05pm 4:55pm 7:45pm 10:10pm
Stranger Than Fiction 10:15am 1:00pm 4:10pm 6:55pm 9:50pm
Wasco was unavailable this is his cousin enter frankengoat...
Tenacious D In The Pick of Destiny 10:35am 1:10pm 4:00pm 7:15pm 9:55pm
RAMDICULOUS POLICY Published every Friday and available to students on campus. This newspaper does not express the opinions of any writer, editor, or anyone affiliated with Angelo State University or the Texas State University system or this newspaper. We welcome all letters. Please include your name, position, and an email address. Letters are subject to laws governing obscenity, libel and privacy. All submissions are considered property of the Ramdiculous Page and will not be returned. Submit your letters via our email, firstname.lastname@example.org. Opinions in any letter or writing are not necessarily those of the staff, nor should any opinion expressed in a public forum be construed as the opinion or policy of the administration.