Couch potatoes of the Issue set new records of laziness By Nia Feaster
By Carly kleiman
When it comes to exceeding expectations in a realm that people already have deemed replete with talent, Michael Jordan’s immense impact on basketball does not compare to Quincy Newton’s, senior, impact on laziness. This newly formed extreme sport, developed after the creation of Nutella and Netflix, requires a strong aptitude for doing as little as possible, an extensive expertise in consuming the most flavorful but unhealthy foods as well as a deep understanding of the intricate action of watching TV. Newton epitomizes the ideal competitor of this rigorous sport as she refuses to participate in the basic actions of life. She even admitted that “I hate walking, and when I have to walk…I prefer to walk really slow.” Leigh Berman, senior, added, “instead of taking the energy to wave or say hi, she lifts her head a good five degrees in recognition” of one’s energetic greeting. Simultaneously, Andrea Rossman, senior, said, “She once told me that her mom one time brushed her teeth for her because she refused.” In order to maintain her skill in lackadaisical living, Newton solely fills her stomach with the finest of junk foods. Who needs the organic carrots when you can have the greasy Out & Out macaroni and cheese made to satisfy one’s taste buds? Newton understands this concept as she enthuses that Out and Out can replenish her barely depleted energy supply at the end of a school day. True athletes dedicated to their sport, Newton and Jordan practice on the daily. While JorPhoto by Carly Kleiman dan spent countless hours in the gym shooting Quincy Newton, senior, sinks into the comfort of the cushions as Ian Koch, senior, catches free throws, Newton utilizes the full 24/7 to a quick nap on their home away from home: the couch. perfect the art her sport.
Sleep, wake up, eat, and repeat seems to be ongoing trends for our male couch potato of the issue, Ian Koch, senior. Ian wastes no time procrastinating and makes sure that his skills of wasting time wake up just as soon as he does. Waking up, eating breakfast, and driving to school is just about as much strain as Ian puts into his lazy mornings. “He leaves his house to impress absolutely no one,” added Patrick Tucker, senior. The school day drags by and finally the time comes where Ian gets to do what he does best: eat and sleep. “Last night I asked Ian if he wanted to come to baseball and he responded with ‘nah,’” said Luke Lebesch, senior. It takes dedication to do as much of nothing as Ian does on a school night. Homework? “I typically don’t do homework,” said Ian Koch, senior. To make up for time spent not doing homework, watching Archer never seems to disappoint as a time filler. But of course Archer can’t fill all of this time, so what else to do besides….sleep. Believe it or not, the weekends produce less productivity than the weekdays for Koch. Sleeping until an average time of 1 pm is nothing new and being forced awake any earlier would be a crime against humanity. “He like doesn’t go out on the weekends. He sits in his house and watches Netflix,” said Michael Schulz, senior, about Koch’s weekend activities. Setting the bar higher for couch potatoes everywhere, Ian Koch redefines laziness. So for the rest of you competitively couch-potatoing, step up your game.
In (Pastor) Todd we trust By Alli Stendler
In recent years, the foundation of a new religion, “Bodybuildism,” has been taking place right here in Homestead’s weight room. Freshmen through seniors flock there every day at 2:37 to push their minds and bodies to the limit. They each take a place on the bench-press and immediately lift three times their weight, which can come in handy if they ever need to lift one of their five-pound textbooks. Pastor Todd Brawner puts together lengthy sermons to inspire the young athletes, reminding them their work as a “bodybuilder” will pay off. Pastor is able to transform these weaklings into real men on their off-seasons or in their extra time. Their baptism into manhood spark an obsession with working out 24/7. In fact, Cody Scott, sophomore, said, “I work out more than I go to social events, and when I’m not working out, that’s all I am thinking about.” Being fit isn’t an option; it’s a commitment. Although we all aspire to be like our gods, these bodybuilders try to look like a god. The
athletes chisel their bodies to be idealistic to only the best looking goddesses. Kieran Sparks, senior, said, “Girls need guys with big guns because we can do things they can’t, like open jars and hold heavy doors for them.” With the release of these “Ten Commandments,” Pastor hopes to set the standard, as well as educate the athletes about the do’s and don’ts of working out. In April, Pastor Brawner announced the “Ten Commandments of Lifting”: Thou shall flex thy muscles when lifting; Thou shall not wear a shirt with sleeves to cover thy biceps when working out and when it starts to hurt, that is when thy set starts. “It seems as though ‘Bodybuildism’ has spread like wildfire through the school and it doesn’t show signs of stopping,” Lizzy Tucker, sophomore, said. With warm weather on its way, this spring will be the perfect time to showcase the new improvements hiding under sweatshirts all winter. Can I get an “amen?”
Photos by Alli Stendler
Sean Driscoll (left) and Chris Malicky (right), sophomores, show off the spiritual reawakening they have recieved through Bodybuildism.
Photo illustration by Blake Leeson
Bucks continue to drop the ball By Blake Leeson
I think of spectacular blowouts, eye-catching ally-oups and complete concentration on both sides of the ball. Yes, I am referring to every single team in the NBA other than our own Milwaukee Bucks. I don’t even know why anyone would attend a game anymore besides the fact that they were 15-67 on the season and had the worst record in the league and possibly one of the worst in NBA history, but really if I wanted to get a better bang for my buck I would stay home because at least I know I am guaranteed to get a full four quarters… something you can’t say you would get if you watched the Bucks. Attendance is one aspect of the game in which the owners can see if there is interest in the team. Buck customers who usually watch the game at home on cable are now asking how much extra they can pay to have the Bucks games blocked from their service, not really a good sign. Other than being tied to a chair and being forced to watch more than five minutes of the WNBA, I can’t think of much worse. Conor Quick, senior, said, “I was going to go to a Bucks game
once. Then my friend asked if I wanted to watch paint dry.” The nice thing about how bad the bucks are is that parking is really easy to find, but Sasha Novak, senior, said he still paid more for parking then he did to get into the game itself. Years ago they still weren’t good. Back then I thought “Oh they are probably performing poorly on purpose to get a couple high round draft picks.” I thought this was a good idea but I was wrong. The Bucks continued to draft trash players and continued to lose. This year the Bucks were a real disappointment. So much so that next year some of their scouts will be coming to Homestead’s field house over the winter on Monday nights to try and find new aspiring talent in the up and coming league of IBA. UWM has gotten more press this year than the Bucks have gotten in the past 30 years and if I’m not mistaken I think that the last time the Bucks made the finals we still had black and white TV’s. Forget about a future championship ring. If you see one on a Bucks player, assume it to be stolen.
Satirical Issue of Homestead High School, Mequon, Wisconsin