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APRIL 30, 2013


Photo by Samantha Hansen

Students and faculty at Homestead demonstrate their opinions regarding the possible cuts to the classes that fail to enhance their learning.

We don’t need no comprehensive curriculum By Katie Bandurski

Recommendations report. Most of these savings would come through the elimination of staff positions, but how important are quality educators and small class sizes in the grand scheme of things? Robots are cheap. They’d be able to control a classroom. And why not utilize the football field as stadium seating for classes? Not to mention, reducing class offerings to students is an additional benefit that adds appeal to potential district families. Elizabeth Allgood, a student considering switching to Homestead, said, “I love schools that only offer science, math, English and social studies. Having the chance to take nothing but core classes really prepares me for the real world. Everybody knows that math and science are the only skills necessary to land a job, and I don’t really want to waste my academic time enhancing my creativity.” As Homestead’s need for funds increases, it is obvious that the solution lies within the walls of the school itself. By cutting beneficial programs, Homestead will be able to supplement costs while losing only valuable classes, passionate teachers and student experiences in the process. All together, the mission of Homestead High School is “to equip all students with transferrable skills, promote academic independence, foster social responsibility and inspire a passion for learning.” Creating a pro-conformist, anti-creative environment through the removal of integral departments will allow Homestead to fulfill this mission as a whole.



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When year after year the Mequon-Thiensville School District (MTSD) is faced with budget cut after budget cut, the logical solution at Homestead is to cut thriving programs. According to the MTSD 2013-2014 Preliminary Administrative Budget Recommendations report, of the 1,334 students at Homestead, currently over 320 are enrolled in theatre classes, more than 340 in Family and Consumer Education (FACE) classes and an excess of 460 in Business classes. D e spite the seemingly high enrollment, it is advantageous for all three departments to be cut. Let’s be real. None of the aforementioned departments add much to the school anyways. Whether it is the award-winning One Act class, the popular creative foods classes or the real-world Product Development class, Homestead would still produce headlines without all of them. Not to mention, the educational value of these classes is debatable. Kristyn Wiencek, junior and theatre student said, “To be completely honest, theatre hasn’t taught me that much. I mean, I guess you could say that I’ve built my confidence, improved my teamworking abilities and learned to think creatively, but in the grand scheme of things, that won’t be nearly as important as knowing how to draw the unit circle from memory.” If theatre, Family and Consumer Ed (FACE) and business were to be cut, the district would save an estimated total of $368,000, as outlined in the Budget




Entire Homestead student body travels to Florida for spring break

Photo provided by Mr. Fritz Rauch

By Haley Laird

Throngs of ghostly students flooded the Mitchell International Airport to vacay in Florida in March after the much-anticipated exiting of the prison, commonly known as Homestead. Kelsey Nelson, senior, said, “Whenever I stood in front of a

white wall and looked into the mirror, I couldn’t find myself. It was a frightening time.” With one week to get as burned as possible and show it off in perfectly timed beach pics of their frolicking fun, Homestead students could only imag-

ine how many likes they would receive on Facebook. Katie Quinlevan, senior, said, “It was between going to Mexico or Florida this year but I decided on Florida because they have more tanning beds near the ocean.”

With students forced to return to the white abyss on April 1, Florida will just have to wait another year for the next round of overeager, pale Wisconsinites fleeing to the most socially acceptable destination.

Mequon Rager Party-Planning Tips Information compiled by Brittany Emond

•Pick a theme! Popular and frequently used here in the ‘Quon include Spongebob Squarepants, Disney Princesses, or Trucks.

•Make sure all curtains are OPEN. Sue and Gary, your 75-year-old neighbors, may want to come and join! •Keep all of your lights ON. Wouldn’t want any of your party guests tripping over your Cockapoo Fido’s dog toys. •Distribute healthy snacks throughout the party area. Veggies and Dip make for great late-night munchies. •Keep your drink selection simple. No sugary drinks--you wouldn’t want the party to get too rowdy.

Photo by Brittany Emond

•Your list of activities should be longer than a chapter book. Keep a Scrabble board hidden in case of emergency.

•No more than 10 people. Make sure they all park far away so the cops don’t get suspiscious of any funny business. •Don’t forget decorations! Balloons, confetti, and more should be distributed throughout the party area. All must match the theme. •Most importantly: Make sure your parents are in town. You wouldn’t want them to miss out on any of the fun!


$tarbucks five-dollar cup of joe lacks ‘hello’

#English #teachers’ #worst #nightmare By Maha Angisetty

A hashtag epidemic appears to be taking Homestead High School by storm. Twitter started the ‘#’ craze, but now hashtags appear to be carrying over from Instagram, Facebook to occasional text messages. This new craze appears to be leaving parents and older generations in a dust of confusion. “Why is everyone typing ‘number sign’ before they write?” Mr. Joseph Ciurlik, social studies teacher, asked. “My daughter texts me #OnMyWay... What does ‘#’ mean?! And what happened to putting space between words?!” a confused Mrs. PTSO Patty, Mequon mom, wondered. When discussing the issue with Professor Textsalot, the hope that this craze will fade soon seems quite hopeless. “Every 10 in 17 teens suffer from excessive use of hash tags ... and it will continue to increase for another two decades,” the Professor said. Here again appears to be another craze gone wrong introduced by social media. #NoThanks

By Ann Marie Metzendorf

On Thursday, the Starbucks located on Port Washington Road failed to perform its duty of greeting a customer. The victim, Kristin Lanks, sophomore, said, “It was so weird walking into the shop. There was just...silence.” According to Lanks, the barista just looked up at the door and went back to concocting an arrangement of drinks. “I wish more than anything that I could have greeted that customer,” the barista on duty, Rachel Neep, responded, “but that Venti, nonfat, no foam, no water, six pump, extra hot chai tea latte required my full attention.” The last time Starbucks reportedly failed to greet a customer was the 2007 incident in Cincinnati, OH, when one location was at capacity with customers. Lanks rationalized, “I guess that worker just skipped her double shot of espresso that morning.” Photo illustrations by Brittany Emond and Blake Leeson


Student Opinion

Our View This is your brain.

This is your brain after budget cuts.

FACE Theatre Academics



Any questions? Class of 2018

Class of 2013

is your favorite place Photo Contest Winners: toWhere read The Highlander? 2nd place, winner of $25 Bayshore gift card: M a d a m e S tres i ng c a ptu res Du ff y L a m p en, s eni or, M ol l y Ha u gh, j u ni or, S op hi e K u b l y, s eni or a nd Cl a re B a u m ga r t, j u ni or, s i tti ng on Ca rou s el B r i d ge i n Pa r i s , Fr a nc e.

3rd place, winner of $25 Bayshore gift card:

1st place, winner of $50 Bayshore gift card:

R i l ey Pel i s ek, s eni or, rea d s T h e Hig h la nd e r whi l e z i p l i ni ng ov er a c a nop y i n Ac a p u l c o M ex i c o.

Sylvester Schulteis, junior, casually reads the latest copy of The Highlander while he plunges down a water slide at the Kalahari Resort in Wisconsin Dells.

Homestead High School 5000 W. Mequon Road Mequon, Wisconsin 53092

The Staff Adviser

Mrs. Rachel Rauch


Samantha Hansen

News Editor The Artichoke’s editorial policy is to present facts and opinions in a fair and honest manner on issues pertaining to students at Homestead. We uphold the right to speak unpopular opinions and the privilege to agree with the majority. Letters to The Artichoke are encouraged; however, we reserve the right to edit for length and grammatical errors. In addition, letters must be signed, but names will be withheld upon request. Any student who wishes to express his opinion through The Artichoke should drop off the letter in room 506.

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Winner of the 2012 First Award in Overall Exellence from the Wisconsin Newspaper Association and the 2012 KEMPA First Place Award

Lauren Olson Katie Bandurski & Ally Sanfelippo Ann Marie Metzendorf

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Lucy Smith Katie Bandurski, Brittany Emond, Katie Gresham, Samantha Hansen, Blake Leeson Maha Angisetty, Brooke Bayer, Madelyn Busse, Nicole Martin, Ann Marie Metzendorf Joe Allen, Jessanna Clark, Erin Connolly, Seth Cooley, Bridget Cushman, Sarah Erpenbeck, Nia Feaster, Aaron Glazer, Danielle Goodman, John Happ, Amanda Hopkins, Madina Jenks, Jazzmin Johnson, Monica Jordan, Ethan Levy, Molly Riebau, Katharine Ryan, Mikaella Sabinash, Katie Writz

Student Opinion

@ Connect # Discover


#bathroomprobs By Erin Connolly

I absolutely love Homestead’s bathrooms, and not just because of the Kleenex that has now replaced the toilet paper in each stall. No, I’m talking about the other annoyance that makes our bathrooms even more bothersome: those recently installed, state-of-the-art, brand new hand dryers that can be heard reverberating down the halls whenever a hand is held under the sensor bar. Although most would agree that electrical hand dryers are more environmentally friendly than a stack of Georgia Pacific paper towels in a dispenser next to the sink, paper towels are much more convenient and have far more uses. Cianna Clay-Johnson, sophomore, agreed with the serviceability of paper towels, saying, “Paper towels are so much better in my opinion in the bathroom just because they can be used for more than just drying hands, and if you spill something in a classroom you can’t just run to the bathroom and grab the dryer.” Ms. Kelly Murray had the same idea; “[The hand dryers] take longer, and when there’s a mess in a classroom, teachers used to go in there and get some [paper towels], and we don’t have that ability anymore.” Not only are the dryers less convenient, the ones available at Homestead do not even match the energy of a Beaufort Wind Scale force two, which is defined as “Light Breeze; Small wavelets, crests glassy, no breaking; Wind felt on face, leaves rustle, vanes begin to move,” by the Storm Prediction Center. I mean, seriously, my Levi’s serve as a better hand dryer than those weak air stirrers. Max Mitchelson, freshman, said, “I could blow on my hands and they would dry quicker.” Students have been left to cope with dripping hands after trying a variety of strategies, in vain, to shed the water left behind by proper hygiene habits. Either we have attempted to use the dryers, or have applied a combination of flicking, flapping and flailing our hands in the air. Eventually, we have to resort to the inevitable pants-patting that regretfully accompanies most trips to the bathrooms at Homestead. After all, most methods we improvise to dry our hands are superior to the automatic, weak breezes produced by those useless hand dryers.

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#parkinglotsucks By Aaron Glazer

“There is nothing like a good wait as I maneuver my way through the parking lot,” said nobody. Ever. The most frustrating topic for students before and after school is the Homestead parking lot. It starts at 7:10 a.m., as Hondas, Toyotas, Chevys and Nissans pull into this chaos; they hope to reach their destination, their final place: their spot. Pulling in like animals fighting for food, the cars push and heave past others to reach their one, unique spot. Yes, a small marked-out area of asphalt may sound as interesting as some of the classes they will soon sit in, but after weaving through this maze, it is a haven. The driver parks, gets out and feels relieved that the journey has ended. In reality, a new journey is just commencing: the journey to get to chemistry. As Homestead appears bleak and far away in the morning mist, the realization of the walk to the building can frustrate many. Trudging through numerous crosswalks and frequently through snow and slush, students eventually make it to the building, take a deep breath and prepare for their academic day. Fast forwarding to 2:37 p.m., it only gets worse. Lines reach the level of an amusement park, and the horror ensues. The mad scene of vehicles meandering about the parking lot, waiting for their turn to depart, seems endless. Ryan Brink, junior, noted, “It takes me longer to wait in line in the parking lot to leave than it does to drive home.” As a result of the interminable wait, drivers can become restless. Andrew Mullins, sophomore, added, “I was almost hit one day…there should be more entrances for drivers to exit.” While Homestead has multiple exits, lines still appear endless. The movements of cars are as slow as sloths, and as each car finally leaves the parking lot, the drivers feel mentally exhausted and physically annoyed. Daniel Wichman, sophomore, referenced the Homestead parking lot as “the worst parking lot in Wisconsin.” Our students may disagree on many topics, but one topic Homestead drivers can agree on is that the parkinf lot is a mess, has been a mess, and will continue to be a mess.




Student Opinion Search

Nia Feaster



You have random half days in the middle of the week.

By Nia Feaster

Ethan Levy


Wearing a hood in class is actually a crime.

John Happ


You walk through 3 sets of doors to get into the building. Amanda Hopkins


Classes are so long that you can take a test and still learn a new lesson in one period. Aaron Glazer


You eat lunch on the weekdays when you would eat breakfast on the weekends. Jazzmin Johnson


It’s colder inside the school than outside.

Nia Feaster


It takes forever to dry your hands with the new hand dryers that only blow cold air. Amanda Hopkins


Waiting in the turn around lane to get to HHS takes longer than the actual drive to school. John Happ


You’re Flextime mandatory.

Katie Writz @youknowyoureahighlanderwhen The students have nicer cars and phones than the teachers.

One of the greatest things about attending Homestead, other than the infamous cold hands, is the ability to not get through a conversation without hearing “hash tag _________(insert hash tag here).” We are very fortunate to go to one of the top public high schools in Wisconsin #privileged. Starting in Freshman English, we continually elevate our diction and learn level two and three vocabulary #barons1100words. However, some feel the need to add hash tags to the ends of sentences as if their words alone do not truly convey what they are trying to say #onlyathomestead. Moreover, despite this grand vocabulary that students should supposedly have, students use the same hashtags over and over again, whether they make sense or not #confused. The ever so popular hashtags like #swag, #yolo and #winning seem to be the ones that make the least amount of sense. For example, “Omigosh, I walked into class just as the last bell was ringing #yolo,” or “I was talking on the phone right in front of Vicki #swag.” When asked why students do this, Alyson Rausch, sophomore, stated, “#theyuseit to sound clever...” Elyssa Tracy, junior, explained, “They use it to add more emphasis to what they are saying” Don’t get me wrong, I too am a victim of this hashtagomania #guilty. Adding hashtags to things makes whatever you just said a lot funnier and less complicated than it originally was. For instance, someone explaining, “I was supposed to give my presentation today, but we had a substitute, so I didn’t have to do it. Thank goodness, because I was not prepared!” is not the same as saying, “I didn’t have to give my presentation today! #substitute #swerve.” Nevertheless, this does not make it okay. According to Twitter, hashtags are used “to mark keywords or topics” and “as a way to categorize messages” #knowlegedropped. As our sentences do not need to be either marked by keywords or categorized by messages, they are not necessary to add to conversations #mindblown. So do friends and teachers a favor, and save the hashtags for Twitter #realtalk.


Monyca Jordan @youknowyoureahighlanderwhen You practically have to run from the fine arts wing to science.

By Mikaella Sabinash

Molly Riebau


You are so scared of Vicki that you are afraid to go in the halls.

Nia Feaster


Your sixteenth birthday present is a new car. Aaron Glazer


The hall supervisors are more recognizable figures than the administration. Erin Connolly


You know all the baristas at Starbucks.

Sarah Erpenbeck


You go to Noodles for 20 minutes and manage to see half the school there. Nia Feaster @youknowyoureahighlanderwhen You go Mexico for winter break, Hawaii for spring break, and Europe over the summer. Mikaella Sabinash


You have to pay over 200 bucks for a parking spot.

Aaron Glazer @youknowyoureahighlanderwhen You can guess the day and time of a fire drill.

Photo Illustration by Katie Bandurski

As you coast through Homestead High School’s parking lot, you spy a rattled student supervisor, Vicki trying to chase down the reckless student who attempted to escape her wrath. Next, you see a gaggle of Mequon moms, speeding into the Highlander Walkway at a rapid velocity sporting their Ray Bans and freshly applied manicures while dropping off Cafe 1505 for their daugh-

ters. While these observations might sound exaggerated, they reveal their truth as you focus your unsuspecting eyes on the unbelievably consumed parking lot, crammed to the brim with grandiose vehicles. Whom do you ask, owns these costly toys? Teachers? Nonsense. The students are the deserving, worthy owners. Next, you say to yourself, “It is awesome they have the opportunity to park near school.” But you think wrong. These students, let’s be real, their parents, have to pay an exuberant amount of money to park at HHS. Hey, it’s Mequon, right? Suburb of the notoriously affluent. You know you’re a Highlander when you’re willing to pay $300 for a space between two, faded yellow lines. Spare change! As the owner of an extravagant parking spot at Homestead, you will receive a handcrafted parking sticker with a resolute, three digit number claiming your very own spot. You can even personalize it with some artsy chalk drawings. How cool is that? However, you must be extremely careful, for you will be subjected to a $10 fine if you miscalculate and fail to park within your assigned area. As Thomas Fazio, senior, said, “I misread the number on the concrete, parked in the incorrect spot and was a lucky recipient of a fine.” Mr. Eric Burke, principal at Port Washington High School (PWHS), said “the fee to park in the school lot is $75” compared to the outrageous $300 parking price tag at Homestead. According to Mrs. Wendi Sabinash, PWHS teacher, “We live in Mequon; people are willing to pay $500 if it means their beloved child is happy.”


How to be the Queen By Lucy Smith and Lauren Olson

High school is the best four years of your life. Especially if you’re a girl. Here are some necessary tips on how to be the Queen Bee at your school. 1) While strolling down the hallway, you notice a new girl. You don’t know her, but you sure as heck know her imitation Toms, knock-off Longchamp bag and fake rhinestone-studded jeans must mean she’s got problems beyond anything you can imagine. 2) If you have a problem with someone, make sure to take it to Twitter, where you can avoid hair-pulling, nail-breaking catfights. 3) Make sure to look your enemies up and down as they approach you in the commons. Boy, will they be intimidated and hide in shame. 4) If a girl even looks at your ex, make sure there are devastating consequences sure to push them to scarf down their Highlander Bowls in the bathroom, sitting under the hand dryers for a source of heat. 5) Oh, you found her on Twitter? Now that you follow each other, one subtweet per day will surely eliminate her from your life. Not to mention, you can keep tabs on her sad, little boring life and make sure she doesn’t lay a finger on your property. 6) You must own an iPhone so you can partake in group messages while planning your next act of revenge with your minions. 7) As soon as you step into Victoria’s Secret, head straight toward the

Student Opinion


most heavily-padded push-up bra you can find. If you’re not sure which cup size is appropriate for you, don’t hesitate to choose the larger option. Even if it’s gappy, you can always stuff it, and the boys will love you the minute they lock eyes with, your chest. 8) Post pictures of you and your friends after every party you attend. Your lowly fellow students will longingly wish they were raging socialites like you. 9) If you forget to post a picture from a recent party, make sure it hits Instagram the following week on Throwback Thursday. And don’t forget “#nofilter” so everyone thinks your skin is that naturally bronzed. 10) Wear your boyfriend’s clothes nonstop to emphasize that he is your property. This tells all the jealous wannabes. “DON’T TOUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” 11) Make sure to tell everyone you have a boyfriend. Even if you’re not 100% committed, it will look like you are to the world, and that’s all that counts as long as you’re having fun. 12) Tweet obsessively about your love interest. This will ensure the longevity of your marriage-destined relationship. 13) To give the impression that you workout to maintain your banging body, dress in athletic gear at least once a week. Don’t forget yoga pants. 14) While taking selfies with your besties, you can’t forget a classic pose: the duck face. Here is a short tutorial

on how to execute it perfectly. a. Grab a red Solo cup in one hand and your white iPhone in the other. b. Imagine Zac Efron in front of your very eyes. c. Purse your lips as if you are leaning in for a kiss. d. Narrow your mascara-laden eyes just a touch so everyone knows they ain’t gon’ mess with you. e. Snap the picture. f. Instagram the best out of all seventy-seven, and carefully choose a filter, if you need one at all. g. Congratulations! You’ve done it. Now don’t forget to practice, practice, practice! 15) Don’t ever forgive. And certainly don’t forget. For all of you victimized saps sadly wondering, “Why can’t we all be friends like middle school and bake cakes filled with rainbows and smiles and eat and be happy?” let’s be real. This is high school, and the hissing and

Question on the Streets

What are your thoughts on Homestead’s security? Information compiled by Nicole Martin

Vicki Boehm (Fashion Police): My rule is: only open the door if the guest has purple polkadot shorts on and then the dots have to be pink or yellow.

Lindsay Maslowski (Prisoner Advocate): Today I got locked in between the entry way and district office because I forgot my faculty key so I had to have special permission from Linda Winters to let me in.

William Woessner (Criminal Psychologist): The best thing about the new security are the things found after cavity searches each morning.

By Madelyn Busse

Jackie Sandlow (Sophomore Prisoner): Walking through these halls feels like a juvenile detention center... I mean seriously, we could use an extra camera or two to enhance the scrutiny.

Karol Hitt (Mother of Inmate): When first arriving at Homestead since the changes were made, I thought I was was in a mental institution, which isn’t far off since every high schooler is a little crazy.

Katie Gresham (Senior Prisoner): The best part about our high security prison are the punishments. You so much as look at a door for too long, and you can plan on being served.

Brett Bowers (Warden): Well, our major concern is that it doesn’t look like a visitors.

Above and below: Mean girls congregate in the hallways to stake out their next victim.


Taurus (April 21 - May 21) You can’t shake the feeling that your friends and teachers discuss your frequent socks and sandals union when you’re not around. Take the hint.

Aries (Mar. 21 - April 20) As an alternative to cutting theater class, the school has decided Matt Swenson (Sophoto save money by shutmore Prisoner): What’s next? Like “alright now ting off running water on Flex separating each wing into Days. Better conserve. Sip, don’t a security check point pass- swig. able only with fingerprint id.”

scratching has reached its peak in pursuit of the Queen Bee title. Good luck. May the odds be ever in your favor.

Gemini (May 22 - June 21) You are, in fact, looking like a fool with your pants on the ground. Cue Vicki. Cancer (June 22 - July 23) You just ate the Highlander Bowl? Good luck staying awake in Psych next hour. Leo (July 24 - Aug. 23) You are blessed with great luck to live in a town whose entire police force feels obligated to attend every party. Why is everyone running? Virgo (Aug. 24 - Sep. 23) After 4 years of searching, you are forced to admit that there just isn’t anything appetizing to eat in the cafeteria.

Photos by Brittany Emond

Libra (Sep. 24 - Oct. 23) No matter what path you ultimately take, or what choices you ultimately make, you’ll still have to take the Government exam. Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22) You will spend this weekend trying to come to grips with the awful fact that R.A.Ping an article has nothing to do with Lil Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the near future. Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20) If there ever turns out to be a senior prank, you’ll be mistaken for a freshman and targeted. Remember to bob and weave. Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20) If there ever turns out to be a senior prank, you’ll be mistaken for a freshman and targeted. Remember to bob and weave. Pisces (Feb. 20 - Mar. 20) It’s not true that nobody understands your pain. After all, you’ve been Tweeting about it unceasingly.

Student Opinion


PROMA subsides until next year A Girl’s View

A Boy’s View

Is it just me, or do you hear the cricket? Now that Prom 2k13 has officially been over for 72 hours, students are left with basically nothing to talk about. I mean there is Kim and Kanye’s baby, but that’s even pathetic for us Quonnies. Why don’t we just take a nice stroll down memory lane and discuss this year’s PROMA (prom drama)? Boys made brackets for March Madness. Girls made brackets for Prom. Both had some interesting upsets! Surprising the future-date at her doorstep with a bouquet of roses? Ha, bye. If guys want a shot at being Instagram-worthy they need candles, chocolate, doves, poems, and a limousine. If they want a shot at being Facebookworthy, they need Channing Tatum’s looks. As every 16-18 year old teenage boy emptied his wallet in attempt to get a date, girls made small talk predicting whose mom was willing to scope out daddy’s

P r o m ? Oooooh. Yeah. Prom!!! When is that again? I don’t know who I am going to ask, but I’m sure some girl will tell me who I’m asking before I even know who I’m asking, so I won’t have to worry about that one. I’ll check that off the list, but what if she says no, a n d I’m that ONE guy who doesn’t go… eh whatever, it will all work out. As it gets closer to Prom, guys start to realize that we, as the guys, just have to accept whatever our date says and deal with it. Even though this night is designed for two it’s clearly run by one…the woman. Guys like it simple.

By Sydney Benson

credit card and spend the most money on a dress that would be worn once. Speaking of dresses... Let’s not forget that awkward confrontation with the girl who bought the same dress as you/ your attempt to make her transfer schools before April 27. If a teenage girl ever feels like #twinning with her bestie, Prom night is not the time! And can we please take a moment and hysterically laugh at the catfights between Mequon mothers at the flower shop in Sendik’s in their desperate, last-minute struggle to secure their son/ daughter’s date’s boutonniere/ corsage? This time they’ve really earned their “forever in high school” award. T-minus-fifteen-minutes-before-pictures meltdowns? Jackpot. WE ARE LITERALLY TALKING ABOUT 3 HOURS OF YOUR ENTIRE LIFE. All that for one night? That’s Homestead’s PROMA...until next year.

By Blake Leeson

Just tell me where I am supposed to be and what time I am supposed to be there. Wait, I have to bring you flowers? What the heck is a corsage? Since when do I have to match your dress? Isn’t me just getting dressed up good enough? Now I have to match too? What’s next? You’re going to force me to shower? I can be ready in 30 minutes. Can you explain to me why it takes women a day and a half and a pit crew? What do you mean when you say that you don’t want me to dance with anyone else? Since when does my buying you a Prom ticket entitle you to ownership? Now I need to carry your shoes too? I never forced you to wear five-inch heels. If I hear one more thing about that girl who has the same dress as you, I maight go insane. It’s not the end of the world if you are wearing the same dress. All of us have the same tux. No one cares or is even going to remember your dress in a year. Wait…did I just say that out loud? All that for one night? That’s Homestead’s PROMA... until next year.

Photo illustrations by Brittany Emond

Driver’s ed graduates become squirrel experts By Molly Riebau

With my sixteenth birthday a p p ro a c h ing, one would expect that I am ecstatic to experience the freedom of the road – or rather, limited freedom with my legal guardian with me at all times, but honestly I am much more concerned about the safety of Mequon. Allie Haddad, freshman, said, “In Driver’s Ed class, we normally would talk about

school and [the teacher’s] love life, and [students] would try to go in the closet. We would talk about stupid stuff that wasn’t on topic.” Which perfectly captures the lack of focus in the class. Yeah that will help us become good drivers. Not. To hit or not to hit, became a moral dilemma worth analyzing for our class of eager, young drivers. Madeline McDonald, freshman, said, “The lesson that really stuck out to me was about running over squirrels.” The fascination with squirrel casts and mouth to mouth after a head on with a furry pal and a minivan consumed our

attention. Frequently asked questions ranged from “What if a squirrel was stuck under my hood?” to “If a squirrel is covering the stop sign, do I still stop?” Clearly, we were very interested in the rules of the road and the concentration required for driving a car. For the most part, the class better advanced students’ abilities to fight off road rage, and shared the very normal story of a man who keeps a bow and arrow in his trunk as a weapon for side of the highways brawls. Again. Important details for new drivers. Although I have passed Driver’s Ed., the only circum-

stances I could navigate my way through are how to deal with road squirrels, what to do in the rare occurrence of a road-rage victim whipping out a bow and arrow on me and how to counsel an emotionally unstable Driver’s Ed teacher. Everyone in the class passed, which should worry the area, Jordan Kranich, freshman, said, “ 90 percent of the [conversations] [were not] about drivers Ed.” Texting while driving causes many accidents, but the recent Driver’s Ed. graduates should be found equally alarming.

Choosing a College

Information compiled by Ally Sanfelippo

With the school year drawing to an end, Homestead seniors are making their final decisions regarding what college or university they will attend in the fall. Students have their own unique criteria when selecting a school: •Whichever school gets farthest in the March Madness bracket. •Depends on which school will give you the most money for your sit n’ reach score. •Hot guy to nerd ratio; someone has to do your homework and you need something to look at during boring lectures. •Prettiest school colors. They have to look good with your complexion. •Most raging party scene: Concordia all the way. •Largest quantity of hot, party girls: West Point Military Academy. Photo illustrations by Brittany Emond and Blake Leeson

•Where greek life rules: UW Oshkosh

•Whichever school you have the most apparel from. It makes shopping so much easier and cheaper. •Most intimidatPhoto provided by University of Wisconsin ing mascot: Anaheim Madison Ducks. We all know ducks are scary when you run out of breadcrumbs. •Campus most resemlbing Hogwarts. •Best selection for a trophey wife. Thinking UW Stevens Point? Think again, gentlemen. College Prowler ranked the female students lowest in apperance out of 956 schools.

Highlander Publications





Couch potatoes of the issue Joe Schwalb, Sophie Kubly raise bar for slackers everywhere By Kelly Burke

Photo by Samantha Hansen

Joe Schwalb and Sophie Kubly exert all possible energy in an effort to win the prestigious title of Couch Potato of the Issue.

usually get popcorn, but sometimes I like to eat Java Chip ice cream from Starbucks. Occasionally I’ll eat an entire pint,” Kubly explained. Aside from the strict couch potato diet, Kubly gets in her relaxation on the sofa. The basement couch, to be specific. “That way no one bothers me. I fall asleep on the couch all the time,” the sofa spud shared. She usually falls asleep trying to do homework.

Mr. Tony Engle, Europe trip supervisor, concurred, “We entered Sophie in a snail race on the Europe trip. She lost.” Other favorite activities of Kubly’s include online shopping and watching Netflix. Also, Kubly says, “whenever I get the chance, I eat.” “Sophie’s always the go-to girl for a movie-marathon,” Bethany Hansen, senior, elaborated.

Advice from a Brewers fan By Brooke Bayer

Bling Scale 1






State rings lack bling

joys focusing on other activities. As for his favorite guilty-pleasure T.V. show, Schwalb said, “Do you remember the ABC Family soap opera Greek? I do.” He’s also fond of being loud, “I like frightening my fellow students. The other day I made a slurping noise while walking past some freshmen girls. I think I caused permanent trauma.” Henry Ballesteros, senior, added, “Joe once ordered 40 holiday pies from McDonald’s.” The female counter-part to Joe Schwalb’s award, Sophie Kubly, senior, accepts the honor of Couch Potato of the Issue with a raise of her ice cream bowl. As a basic morning routine, Kubly said, “ I wake up at 6:05, and I lay in bed until about 6:30, and then I get ready,” showing her devotion to the sport, starting every morning. After school, she has a rigorous schedule, including a lot of T.V. watching and abundant eating, while somehow maintaining her girly figure. “I get home and go straight to the kitchen. I


Our male Couch Potato of the Issue Joe Schwalb, junior, sets his alarm in the morning from an assorted 5:30 to 6:30. “I’m usually up and into the shower by Thursday.” Schwalb said his morning routine sets the tone for his entire day, which includes hard work and dedication to the couch potatoing. The after-school schedule of the avid couch potato includes getting out of school and sleeping for a couple hours. Next, “dip whatever is around in Nutella, then go back for nap number two.” Schwalb stated as a general rule, “I think if one generally assumes I am asleep at any moment they will not be far off. I really just think of time outside my comforter, blankie and 3000 thread count cocoon as necessary evils.” Miss Amelia Figg-Franzoi, drama department chair, said, “On behalf of the drama department, we are honored for Joe. He has been working really hard and finally graduated from a mat to a couch” In his sparse free time, Schwalb en-

By Mrs. Rachel Rauch

Bling Scale 2





Despite the domination displayed on the road to the state championship game at Camp 1 Randall in November, the Highlander football team expressed concern that the dearth of bling on the 2012 rings metaphorically downplays the significance of their most recent championship. “Dude, now that I think about it, their rings from the ’06 win are hella cooler than this year’s,” Ryan Stendler, defensive back, commented. “Yeah, like when we saw the 1 original design, we felt the black onyx background would remind people of our massive domination, but now I just want more diamonds, man,” Jake Lahinen, quarterback, said. Coach Fritz Rauch added, “No one compares to us, so we deserve as much bling as we can get. Just try to argue with me.” 1

Bling Scale 3





Bling Scale 2




Dear Brewers fan, M y motherin-law is having a birthday party this weekend, and I have no idea what to get her. Last year, her birthday party did not go well. I forgot that she is allergic to peanuts, and I accidently brought a peanut butter cake. Needless to say, she took one bite and her throat clogged up like my toilet after Thanksgiving. She spent the rest of the night at the hospital and she still hasn’t forgiven me. I’m trying to make things right by getting her the best gift possible. Any ideas? -Muddled Mom from Mequon Dear Muddled, I find it hilarious that the Brewers banned fans from bringing their own port-apotty to a tailgate. I mean, “BYOP” (Bring your own potty) has been the best idea since sliced bread! I don’t know what the Brewers are thinking by getting rid of “BYOP”! This is going to start an up rise between the fan clans!

Dear Brewers fan, There is a boy I have a huge crush on, and he is in my multimedia class! I’m so nervous when I am around him. I forget how to talk! How should I approach him? Sometimes he turns around and catches me staring at him. He even caught me drooling once! -Tense from 200 wing Dear Tense, Despite the sad 12-17 record the Brewers had ending Spring Training this year, things are looking up. Towards the end of Spring Training the Brewers signed Pitcher Kyle Lohse from the St. Louis Cardinals for a 3-year, $33 million contract. Lohse has a killer two-seamed fastball which helped him end the season last year with an amazing 16-3 record. So, with Lohse on the mound, I think we should have a pretty good season!

Dear Brewers fan, Every weekend I hang out with a group of friends, whether it’s going to the movies or just hanging at some one’s house. Every time I’m with them, someone always cracks jokes I don’t understand, so I nod my head and pretend to laugh at the joke…. even though I don’t understand. I want to tell my friends to clue me in, but I don’t want them to think I’m dumb. What should I do? -Slow from Study Hall Dear Slow, Last year, the Brewers didn’t make it too far into the playoffs, but that should change this year. With Segura batting over .350, Brauny hitting over .275 and Lucroy’s on-base percentage over .530, the crew will be hard to stop. Plus, Martin Maldenado, Lucroy and Braun were all on the 2013 World Classic team that made it all the way to the second round of the tournament!

April 30 final  

The Artichoke - Satirical Spoof of The Onion - Special Edition of The Highlander - Homestead High School Mequon, WI