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ZombiesandYou

Don't Like: ZombiesWith MissingAppendages

You have a serious pmblem, but since you don't like cafswe don't like you. And we certainly don't like you well enough to help you get through your

BeardedZombies

Fuck ofi Dad! Stay outofmy things. I me have a eirlAiend and

You areafraidof shortmenwith a chip on their

You live in a aendyneighbourhood, citingyour concernfor theenvironment asjustificationfor all ofthe overpriced shityou packinto your gianthouse,giant car and mammoth

fearoftoile6 and You havea ne€dless oral sex. That isn't a benign growth - it's just a

Anything to add? Fuck you. We said..deathfinitive" we meant it. We don't throw that shit


Buyer's Ismorse'Satan,and You fot fnitgt p"tpfe havetold th"it *ul totht d*il Tm. Irekr lliri

1. tits/titties 2. blackdudes 3. NINTENDO64!!!!!! 4. Another soul 5. puberfyredo/depubertification 6. enchantingevaningwith EngelbertHumberdinck 7. tradebrainswith a fox for like 30 seconds 8. bestMongolian folk singerin the world 9. admissioninto fat chickshall of fame 10.somegoddamnrecognitionfor onceyou pieceof shit 11. an audiencewith zombiejesus

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I'mmilesandmilesawayfromscissorsandglue" filthybasements, pilesof shoeqftiedcatftsh,

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Chest Hair Review

CaseStudy: Occupantsof an OttawaArea House, ObservationsBy FemaleOccupant,2007-200g. Balex*, 22, Mate, Caucasian. Ofienshirtless. Chesthair is sparse,with approximatelythirty hairs surroundingeach nipple. Hairs areblack,coarsein appearance, andmatchtf," p&i"ip*t,, otherbody hair. Referto diagramA. Biom, 22, Male, Caucasian. Occasionallyshirtless. Like a brushfire. Silky appearance. Referto diagramB. Bustin,22, Male, Caucasian.Often shirtless. Calico:approximatelyforty blackhairsscatteredoverparticipant,s shoulders,with darkred hairs(matchingparticipant,s otrt"r ooavrrui.l srrroundingthenipplesandformingb tiangurarpattem in thecenterof the chest. Fuzry to thetouch. Refe-rto diag;amC. Bhomas,24, Male, caucasian.Rareryshirtress;observations incomprete. Hair line extendingdownthe neck,forminga crestdirectry abovethe participant'sback. Chesthair is black, andform u triangularpattern.OccupantBalexuses "oir"-upp"*ing, the desciiptor;gross,,in t"f"r,"n:"Lo^q" participant'schesthair. AIso note: participant Bhomas regularlylifts his shirt to betterdisplaya patchof coarse, uia"t ,to.u"t hair, encirclinghis beily buttonandeitendingbelow pant his line, Groomingritual is rumouredto invorve r*ird. Refer to diagramD. " *Nameshavebeenchanged to protectthe identitiesof theparticipants.

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Theuseof emoticons in earlytwentyfirstcenturybathroom stalls

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Beforecomingto the discussionof the threepreviously lavatorygraffito'swhichillustratethis article,and of the unpublished questionstheysuggest,it will be properto givesomeaccountof moustachesin general,as figuredin bathroomwallgratfiticultureof the earlytwentiethcentury.Forthe averagenorthAmericanuserof publicstallsthe moustache as symbolwascentraltotheir of the male'sabilityto transformhimselfthrough understanding constructedpublicfacades.The fashionof decoratingthe surfaceof hairswas consideredat this the facewith numeroussuperimposed pointa markof civilityas well as virility.The complicityof the moustachein the millenarianmovementsof the latterhalfof the centuryco-optedits existingstatusas a civilizingmarkbut completelyreinventedit as an objectof violence.The following as a graffitoexchangeillustratesits use in commonsocialinteraction statement. positive an anti social rather than symbol socially

lp:^1 - twentiethcenturygraffitofoundin carretonLibrarydatedbetween2o(E and 2009.

lt shouldbe notedthatthis graffitois the productof . collaboration betweentwo to as maiy as foufieenindividuars.

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rlFrufl 1 . lndividualoneclaimsto be lonely with'ndu$lg: sympathize to 2. lndividualtwo attempts E[ up bummingout the wholestall'. ffi* nut t9"1lk"]I-111Yibv existins: "nJ" possidtv lre 3. rhe emoticon,

mgy.*ryIryffi oneorhvo(without individual

qeneralfeelingol depression'Wrc:zn (withindicator)drawnby third party

4. il;;Gi"ctie

the in init rolethe moustacheis an attemptto ameliorate

stateortheexchang" depressini heretofore ?y:191":l'l9.tl:l to makedrastic po-tential

eitherone of theseinliuiOr"fr havethe hair' life -nrt6ughwiththe aid of facial are obvious(individual.one - changes the titeiatsuggestions and individual woutJnavehore trienoJit-ni nao a moustache' partner if he had his to two wouldbe moreseiuallyattractive -adream represents.the also torit".n"t tne emoticonmoustache moniieindividualand a horizontaland accessible ;fi;;d;rory originally culture.Thisfunctionof the moustacheas symbol.was and 2040' of plague lice oral ift"itO Ouri.gthe Baltimore groupssuchas ititiJ"rfyipp"ropriatedby millenarian century first late wventy HAIRIMbUTHin the


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been safe astuck(thisi*ruJu,*r ofvo" :tri11*Yl-: llyiy: rklry:kr aswel urg" wa1hlvins il;l;;;;;ffii;;;; weird whenyou wark homedrunk tJ,n" *tut.uer shitty erginsheet

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--pub you a*endedwith yoursweat-infused fat friendrovfi* 9"up"r*:tv.to finger banganythingthat movesbeforeyou"paintthe front of their

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dges makeyou unsafein your sleepygovernment ry! town student ghetto)I haveatwavsput moreaitn in aitnan itprou"ury iJ;;"r. I surethatthis isjust anotheroo" ortrror" reailyeasycatcrr-alsthat enablesus to seewhateversortof nobility *" ' io fru**irywithout actually havingto leavethe safety "uu of our we'-worn and - oh' so-trendynihilistic earrytwentiescynicism. Thepoint ortrriu preambleis that, like everyoneelsgwhothinks theynoroJy toow shit abo't rife becausetl-rey'veneverreaily had to actuily i'l* ii u* over the ag9of seveniee-n actuailygivesa tuck }i.l*:t^:fe they have about-what to sayaboutit, I am ableto seethe value in

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y*"*:f"fr;f:"11:T-limpracticalasart._ lt i, ur.o,noe"ruili, u way to establish a difference between art and fashion.

up you iucking pricks: FAHION IS NOT ART, IT HAS NEVER BEEN AND WILL NEVER BE AND TTIECLOSESTIT'S EVER COING TO ACTUALLY BE IS AS SOME SAD REhM{ANT OF BULLSHIT PAGEANTRY THAT FOLLOWS US DOWN TTIE BRIGHT RED FUCKING ROAD TO NUCLEAR

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rL, t ur, Uuttuggiog d;;t* getputdownwhenwritersdomoreinfricate work.Tagsget-fioiporatea as

signatures.But there'sa-positivesideto tagging's irrnut*ity. 'lhi uestway to explainthis I canthink of is prcl acao which is the Brazilian versionof taggingbut donein groups.Basically,groupsfrom 5 ro 20 or morg go into abandoned apartnentbuildings andcoverall of it as ftst aspossibtewitn au of their tags.The challengeto coveran entire multi-storiedaprment building asfrst aspossiblewith the addeddreat ofgetting arrestedor F1* by Brazilian copsis probablyasadrenalineinducingashaving

knifepulledonyou SoI guesswhat I'm tying tosay is talging is IiIe q gettinga knifepulledonyouwithoutactuallygesinga nire puueaonyoq

soyour chancesofacfrally gettingstabbedare slimmer. I donll know if I'm evenconvirrcedif that's good or bad,but its definitely ugly and eveq/onehatesit like tagging.Bweverything aside,I

wikipedia says"tagging is often the examplegtugn-*!F of graffiti refer to vandalism,asthey rye tl to !,te-t $lacts ot -! "peorilts grumd writing (it is by farthe mostcommonfordi of graffiti)'" Even I frink thatcounts. the thought it's sense, make doesn't itougtr tnat sj1t*o it's sife to saythat whenmayors,city councillors,police, businesl sr normalpeopl" who just don't like grafEti, they alk abors_taggingAlso, you,re moi" mr"ry to seetagspretty muchTryh"t" than a full+cde picce. -Th"."*o* forthis arepretty obvious:graffiti is illegal andtagstake less time and effort thanpaintings.Reasonsopponentsof gmffiti focuson to the samespot and tagglng arealsopetty obvious:one tag attracts-others side to taggingtoo, and tenitorial and Ttire's-a competitive tfi!'Jugy. but I'-q talk gane tags to link oppoo*6 sometimes $ivipi: {T* S'more this. uriting while I'm fast so the ierk-offmotion t cm only make rrir eoougl" but wheredoesthat leavetagging?Is this like that E

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ffi?Tui" clichCwherethebetterlookingme getsa shotto hmg outwith termswis thehofiestgirl in gtadethecoolkidsandbeonboobtouching ninebut onlyif heditcheshisuglyfat friâ&#x201A;Źnd?Or is aggrngglatrti'sla immatureside,practicedby 14yearoldsuntil they.g{ enouSf.s{tt-otg! in the taggingworld to becomeall-out writers?or is it somekind of retarffi-anonymous tenitorial pissingcontestthat shouldn't be taken

seriously'?


A Ndice AbonrtlVork in ProeresgBy ManhewScribner

them: helpreconcile Sooqholwcr, omic escryades ril*re*g€d.Ded Huhrcop: Takethat,evildoerlThatwiltteachyouto meEtwlththc HutupeoPlel

DearReadersof Soud Mitd Msglnrc: So,like, assomeof youknow,I like write stufr,urd lateb lve beenwo*ing on this i&a I b€rc.I figuredfd s1 a nrovie,I'vegot thescriptrrostlyffnisbed,andI'vegotsomeexc€rP{s it or for peopleto rea4 sinceI knolvtbat SoutrdMind ig a maoq'i4efor artists'andI wonderingif maytetherEw€t€somemwie producerswlrowelt readingthemagezinct now who'dlike to readmy script,i4 youknow,youg$ timc.I nean' it's notverygood' like, itb areatly ooolidca Itbabotr this copwhogrrspartnercdwith ano6crcopufu's conpletelygnlikehinr.Theytoatly compfrosrdifrercntwlks of life. Sotheyhaveto I teamlrowto captre tbecrimiial even6oughtheydont rtally lke eachoth€r.&il in ttte tbeylearnto bafti€odsikough sharingthemrgicalpo*tr of vidcoce'C'oo!eff And tb paa b tbat ffs NEVERbe€ndme beforel

TutsiCop:Wait,I thoughtI waethe Hutuone'

iila*-ruc,

weill'ilbel t,ncheckmypassport... weil,maybe. I don,fihink...

Andbytlreen4it.sliketheycouldbetdtingthebustogethereveryday,they'resoclos

rrc{+€opMe:We||,lguessthatdoesit-thoseguyshave|ickedtheir|aEtic so bedbacktherc'I . 1' -"' cone.Siy, youwsnenit ,m :i:7

:F*si€epVeronica Twitters,the girt lthad a crushon in gnadenins We should TOTALLYmake out.

Me:Wha-well.ok! because soherc it is. Ile madesomecbmgestbr,oughorfbrntvejrstkinda left tlEm, rhingsstartouttotgb: say, I Solike your wor*. s6!w always to cid ."rer t L" ,o.n

Veronica: Mmm,dmereyouselry- wait,holdon.Areyoustillmydad?

RNEIButale thingyou WhiteCop:So you\rebeenasslgnadto be my q1lner' w *ytfl you things cb rne, wittr wo'i tttt"n vou ;;ii;fi;t"i"til, BbckCe: Nuh+thl

So, li&c, ifyou think that tbffe needto be some changes,like it will be too scary for kids qr *lhatcver,just let me lcnowand I can nraketbe changes.Anything you want . really. Or ifyou

Thecanflictbuil& &m therc.Sooo,suspicioos set risitrg:

tlont like thatideaatall lve got anotherprojectlinedup.It's a movieadaptation ofthe Book oflob:

tAlhibBloodscop: (lntedo morrclogue) | don'ttust thisguy.I'm reailysuspidotnof him.

8la€kCripsCop:(lnteriorMonologte):I don'tknowif I canuort rd0rtthb guy.-.my aredsing.Plus,I thinkhe"sa cop. euspicions

p1f 11F'd" DadCop:Sovouaglr-lil[e-fevrngqqton 8lo€deMiddl€+sed Nourdonlyotinollyor in'that! not youlq d;i';ofry'we$, flgrri vouMr.Criminat? tut thevrtnow thevttrink everythirgaftertrefne seat

Whoa. KeannuReerres: to run Soifyouwanttopickuponeoftheseprojecs,Idbetotallvthrilledtoworkwithyou.Just tri*5 whatsoundMind is chargingme sendrre a checkfor $50,000;ili-[ ril l guvs? il-r *tt;. i; sayit will beworthit' right

compromised: Thsir rrrcrl<in tbeiderrogatim roomis e,eo

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MElNALLMYGtoRYl 6d: JoB,THtsls GoDlEEHoLD

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mOde to a Lost Cause By JohnTaylor

By: RyanPatterson Inspiredby ajoke told by: Tom Rorke

ravelingon the lostequation,

the ode to a dead magician, he said x + Vl we say God whY!

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Hail the Emperol

A b.utt's horn, '.'flsrL-;:-lrsffil!

A certainstudbntof the Past' \ Was in the Orient thouglrt' she a Oigging in PlaceSomeartifactshad went'

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If they are stirred,a run throughll? n cognito and the thoughts do not die.-,

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ns sottatry. trick of the eye Fii T4FA ' ' Poof!A trick for You, No illusion,I know, i paid five dollars, trick. and then he died . Scaleall the mountaihs,H1* Run treadmillon the globe, (Eveneven squeakedby a ccingressional pro O yeah, he took the crown. i'

TroublE-rnpeEdlse,

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H i s will u n -imposed(FINE !) "Leaveit or Love it," Fg_theyleft and he becameprophecy.

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Paradis;

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Come 'round and hear my sorronful tale Oh, you'll shiver and shudder,screamand wail A great loss demandsevery single sword He's murdered our father and killed our lord I know of one day. with none other worse

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shotfirst whenGreedo q" yt?] Lh,gJl9gdav' simple as a child

MtJ,."as sbi" us dumb and When he neuteredmy bibie, now timidly mild Hear me, my brothers,we can't let this fade We must accept our duty and forever crusade I tell you they carriedmy soul in a hearse That horrible day, when Greedo shot first

contempt ally the troopsaroundmy r?-geand nemp g the.h."*p tne bannersandroll up thsbanners ,ru'*t on the trawl !P S* '#i i;?;"otg. madethe mistakeof a rookie Wookie taunted-his ln* ftJt"tewed a man and thought of filling the Lucasfilmpurse :" ""LV )n that horrible auy, *nJtt Greedo shot firs!fi

Before,PGl3 is whatthebox hadJill

Seeinga box of lies, my face is crimsonred

l-hat liar got awaywith an act of high treasoil Whenhe ruineda hero,withoutrhymeor reason

I cornpletelylose control, and rabidly c*re I Reoalling that honible day, when Grledo shii

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