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,''', l,$-.'40'".. ' I 12 StcPr to FlndSecretDoorcl4:usrffil 4. i *i-. ' j -.-- --. .. 1. Checkall doors.lf youcanseethem,they aren'tsecret. ,O


.,i r ri* I ! A $rs4xesrt.\$i&ffs-€!#,&ri,,r;iis*6i*w{ir:E,;, rr . .,... -l 2. a you;i"-bb I fi; makesome V' "ir""i"t6imee, t:911* Chances are, they know a thingo.r twoaboutsecret / *r ft.r

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6, no1'y*: lightiy.Layersof meaning. No t..lynll of AliceC.ooper class.No principies, Thinkaboutjr, H"'i t"fkinguLou,you.

youj€rqa totof keyswithyou,somoon6'miftiiifriT doorandthtnkyou,r. rhf guy. ''*";: !ll6J"oI.3j-"J 9_1*!ret$.$&Jrrr'r r, r ,,r*i: I ; :$g*ilffi WWe L Klll everyonethat knowsabouta door,than lt broomes yours€cret, l 10.Thepantryis not a secretdoor,thoughlt doat hold

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Ik vi!,'wi[s Th,qReviewers Or llow I LearnedTo Stop Worr.vingAnd Love The Smell Of My Own Farts

cataloguingcelebrityminutiae.SPIN alsownntsthe disrinctionofhaving ''indiecred",except they harcacruallydelving into rie icky musical underground.As a resulttftey love bandswith an "indie'" sound(read:jangly guitars,rpheat tenrpos,quirky Roben Smith/David Bvme vocds, perhnpsa synth or ttvo). rvho have alreadyhad notablecommercialsuc,cess. Thc resnlt is a prcrry*lamc afternptro appeafon the cuning edge.SPIN. you've just got to lcBm to be yoursel1.. teJlflre mors sbout what Madonnaate for breakfast.

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Musicreviewers rourth.,*.t orilffi u n*r 'rrrhrh,thnrboon provarbv Rqsearch hasbeen fl sctence. .:{::^1.d, ,.prn, t *.,,'u.,i,,p,,u.1 arrdthorusults havebeen rhoughmanvhavlarwar.l J nublished spccuratcd ',u"" ui,,rli*rr'ii"., rrenn,ow bcsaidwith certarntv tl'atio ilt,i" ,^. ii*'i,'i.;;;;; rhrr ursirrhnssmcrr. ft;#*;;],* I "ry

I',*,:l1ll*:1;'x,x'l?#"'{ilfiX,[:,.i#_T,i,llli11i,.,,,,,,,.,,i,,, j,.*ffiy;g;.,,*. ,."ilv xj_..1r'vJ:ilj1:#,,l,li:,fi,ilJ,.Ili,Hll,liilll:,,lt.,i*,;;,?.,",fi. u*c

r)ecn.v.ilil(tillcrt.hy rornc standard, HunahtMusic;;"# are objecdve #;,j:;:):::1,..,: evcnnlorcliur whcrrthevtrsrlroflc mndc.up ol,yourf.u,o*i"to,_fi]o f<inOa fikewhens;;il. il;_, nro'r' vour Irxrw lt r v{)u uuour ,lurlairrko.,,bu1neens1al1t r*u'rlr4 iu;,;r't',lT:: 11:l Thc 6 elnrrlearchvilhin,complete wlththehandleba*ourtur...'y-lllsc- rwicwc'hcr't,n166

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- . .--/ someone else'sopinion.I fallfor it everytime. My friends, the music revie;er . Iintplyunderstood wnarheor sheis' Thevarepeoplewho sh;ut,lnothc krvurlpr lrnrorl. for roved;r;;ii ;;i;r,;;.;,*,, rhrrr,Ncllhcr JUI lart.tovers. h thespirirof bringingUaranc" soodnorbaduar;;;,il;;[ I

review rhe review'o, diue tr,"riinie ,*,' .*,,;,iLliil]illillll",l,l,lihifHfli: 1. "i'ir",, ir''.'r'i*li',p* rnr dcv ff'H"ll|*:iJ*H**? f : :n''rr'i'v rcoconsrrucred "i" flatulcnce anrlpiperl

it initr.rrry fr.ii'ii* irll, u longhard roa4butI feel1|run"'tl?Ilenough ',,'lltrfg;"i;t ofanapptcctulr'n liritttv nuniuu orp"iurul';'iil;;;:el"to music magazines' I lt.pov.tror{riv'wn nrv,irr.*s *"i;u arI euovtiesmeirU;i,yi"iilljle r".h

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Thisonoegreatmusicandcu_rture raghasgoncscnilcirr irs'kr ngc.Justlikothe bandof thesamename.Roilingsronehit its cre;rivc [cck irr llrc ttrc sixrie*f,nriy cor."til. *o hasjustbeensteadilyrolrin' oo'lvnhilr tprto"" ilrr prlirLii'iiron. r.r,il nragazlnc is srill releyant theweythatMick Jaggeris itiil se*y.Titcy;rcnot,oh ,ur., onricnsron i1 voumav eat'ha glimp$sof theirformergreahass, burif s alwiysnocitng.i;; iil ,-;;6;;;; i;;' srafingsts dricdup shellofwhatoncpwas.Bothofthcscogco't<urt 'n' l{oll institurions have becnallowodto survivefor thenostargia purporooroui poionrsund.citrrcrhrvorurvthinc new.robnngto thelabre.As for theirmusicreviews? To describcthomnshoriilglniout Jf kind.why arerheystiltwriringabourrheBestl.s?t;r, rilil;;ffi;;'srr*,$.ry moveon, ryEpET IT! Canweplease

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parriolsrn. If anybandftomtrreuK iri"o" .riiip.rroJJo*"or*i,r"of ildJi.,i i;;;.;# rill coronate rhemthe..Grearesr Bandrf Atrfi Th. Ntnli; ;; ffi il# ;;;n;i' il_, ''[;.

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sornethins away *omrutat noffidtU#'ff.lii: il:il *i'lat point orgraffi was il3tnl ton:ff#in:*-":*3: your m*ke nanre*n3__,Irr ;di&Tii:Ilml. ti

$*d;iL .;ffiereo.vardalism. so anonvmis :m*n tr'1gyi*. isparrii- nurir'---*iilt#ffi ;li;il',Tr*, andartfssrnafte "r *31s:j-1ryr_"ilil; through


their *n$avmgns're tarfrcfir,fr"e b€oinninn-c nr t

witha camera and,tcok pi*ruru* or lornsi?,:Xff#t t" sr,o* pltieiolr"J haven'r haven,r seen seen n, *,li;ilfii:#,il#lffilLT^.,,:Lt:?_?ygw{qy ' .*rr* t"pur any pe'sbn;]ffi;

9:T'l ry*n: ,iJilljfl*"T,H^l anc *,il,iiJruk* ,rdon;i ;lrtlfffr i,fiftiff;;" I.r6riil; woutdmeanI know_lo,,othi;g;;;1,

or navsa mind_ blowing ineight, *hi*t I gqn;1.irritm,t w"nt to shawins mernanddescribing rheflluffioffiiuo r^ffint to usethis a$aninvitation to the.arttsts,rfri'iili tiiese rnro,*s totatk aboutwharrheyu",-nfolil; {';;t d€xpo$e you. kindof yvay,I'n'rnctgoingglxe j'*r}nr*ing, i jusf t lamesf Knowmoreaboutthese*oiiu wantto rnc-birp,*whornadethem.

EveryOayI passTheBibteHouseand Invisible Cinemawhichsharean allevwav . off Lisgar.ltrsusuallyoccupied by a ietiverv van.Whenit ien't,youcanseea paintinoof t$roincandescent ghostheadswtricntoolt< liketheywantto go in cppositedirections. butcan'tbecauEe they'resharingan eye. Nextto it, it oays':Mom, whatOiJtreestook

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ffiM.*"ffffiHiHi'fJ;o ,*i:, remindmeof a snbit

eatingsomething by ,,- surrounding it withits .-t badyandgraduaily I urntirlwrng lr. ,'i'i djssofuing it.r{nglnef nnotherone ono 6 tnege can bg s€en on the oppositesideof LisgaraUovet f,ort pizra,

whichis gtqnlip besidea doonuay;with a big lqlLy Srih.)A totof rheseare on t6pqr buildings andare swih$ing theiranns upwardswhichare followedby a splasfr of painthigheronthe * tikethey building ..-,,d cansquirtpaintfrom theirarmJ Mi6;.-' just a reaffydrippyspecies,Bothof ffey're Ine$eare onoppositesidesof the*ame buildingacrossthestreetfromHenry,son Bankst,

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-,Carleton ,rlm h,e. Lv'F yv spelunkingut yu*k deeper info .,Idnelcrn lfl[o So 3l.rtrturrKtilg 4tgr .lir. lUnlwrsih/s'baffiroom atlturearrdpaya vidt troSle_lsfbor of the Bulldlng. We Und.."nryt tt* lTory frayelUrrytjghfie snakingnaUnvg-ys glgan$c sauna-llke cefitrdtHcture.hall to exntbre Cnerffifitv;ri *,* .r],s


as:whetis a

DoesStls,.tdnH sf, {$*q a$on seem

Wtut.mnsti&tes, 'lhe,,l@ two ybr;trdlruct:'ffi {ount; A laodem

Gount ls a system of '1p6 Blftlcular

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le whb "whog semen?1 rnayf,ashln thelrrninds, qq$choosenot to revisltthe stall rt'ia$ngfts terrlbry, $n:8ll.{ngl: , lt .ls ttrerffor-e mp*urbsb&d fl,

Deq-tte adventwii' :Tm' ffiff;il#il-iL-;l.e.qry tt" i rnJiiiir^g,i ;* *nn#"i into "Y:fu*her :: I readerard -?l-?*t-S' or herdetue -*m:


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Madams),::?* unlikely, Dear$irs(or,however

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Nobodyin their rightmindEwouldthink thst eoundmind was fit for print.Fortunately .: for our readershipnoneof the soundmind leadershipseemsto adhereto above sategoryof person.Facl is we don't reallylike to adhereio things,we abscond,or mebbsadherethingsto otherthings,likea blenderto the familydog (isn'tthai right cyborgrufus?Makeme a daquiri,goodboy.Goodboy,makeone for yoursolftoo), Butthe truthis,we'renot makingthisstuffup,peopletold u8, I swear.And if you willfullywiehto blindyourselfto the truth,thensir and/ormadamyou sickenme. Notfit for print,the Balls.But personallyl'm sick of this canker.wormof care preyingon rny for makingsoundmindmoreappealingto thosa vitalsso hereare someEuggestions


innaccurateandsninsultio 2. P.rinton Acid brotterpaper:w6'renot condonihgdruguse,we,veiust got wav too mucnacrdbtottorpapgraround.And hey,the kidss€emto likethq sluff,-

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,rffi.ffiffi r"b"-{.:"Y:::,1.1f"i::gF,lif, :: 2 Stepg.llg lSlXHi#Tffi ii,illtitliiuiy-tosiallkevs'rhus,vour'1 to ihe pointof ridicule' unhelpful

splici{y siatesthat'mymusiois.'here'(s€d Whereis mymusic.Yourmagaaine poorquality).. page...this to a further tBstamsnt oneisn'tnumbered, Pleaseexplain

3. More hard hittingreporting:at loagtthe first thr6ewords

of that.

5, Stort sittlngin on someclassesof peoplewho havs sent u$ hate mail:to gel a betterunderstandingof what their lives are like,whst they read,and what sort of thing$$timulatsthem,mentally,maybetake notes,then,at the end of classsta4dup end accusethem of sleepingwithlhe proffessorin a most heinouefushion,and'if of thisclaim,showthemell of tfie notesthatwe have. anyonequestionsthe tegitimacy Note$are legallybinding.Jerks. 6, 14% more quirk:We usedto orderit in from tho c€yrnanislsnds,but we foundout that if we put R.c, Mcinto'sdog in a bowland $pinrt aroundreallyreallyfast,lhe stuff iusidripsoffofhim.WecoIledthedripsandpasstnesavingsontoy.9ul



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7. Bettermiddleeast conflictcovBrage:we can't afiorda foreigncoffespondent;but . rrrecan affordto makewild predictionsbasedon howwell the ravensare playing.

'i %A l t'Gi *gq':c,onr€ntisrnade uvegyptiak r:f l;,s]il*l,l-:!r*rjH:,1!]:ifgyjlllJi Theirlittlefingoreareperfectforweavingintricata rnetaphoi, ?1jglab-?rp5?

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Scratchni sniff shwarmabeal

?hsre rwar romelhing of inicrcrl in lhc rc{rigorltor*and it varn't tho mill,

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The Many ReincaruatedLives of David Bowie By Stewart Joyce I r :iii.rll6i:*:.rjil


I believeI was David Bowie in a pastlife. Or, I shouldsay,I believeI am one of David Bowie's pastlives. The ideaof reincarnatlonha$ interestedme for quite sometime now. Of particularinterestis the fact that everyonewas a celebrityin a pastlife, or it seemsthat only famouspeople havethe honourofbeing reincarnated'


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knowwhy, My auntownsa dairyfarmanda dozencowsin rural Orrrario, yetspend$ mostof berdaysquotinglinesfrornCasablqncaand TheBellsof St,Maty'sin anattemptto foreconnect". Thecowspaylittleattention. Butbackto therelevantpoint,moderncelebrities havesomanydifferent , lives,Theyseemto growoutoftheselivesaftera while,or discardthemif It'sconvenient. Sowhathappens to theselives?I feeltheymustgo back intocirculation,



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stillcarryaroundin mypocketnearlythree rrrrht,whlchI fortunalely viewis thatourworldls yrtrr later,ButI recallthattheBuddhist in it l. Everything permanent essence, a ;'ilibt Noir'ing. has cyclgol oftime,in.anongoing moment ,,hrngrs witheaiii passing ofll In a conUnualstate are nil-tnings tnd rebirth. r,irff,,'Orrtfr


Withthiscup I am not Fradkin,I am Fradkinning' tfmomfno, lrttr, theiels no chai,butratherchaling'Noteabag,butfeal cup1 Nooup,but lotsof cupping'Getthe idea?Thispurportod dfgg@qlg broken of chatlce Nlrvrnsis nothingbutan empty




thgpitas. aie gedo ?:t

norrceo above tnJcasrr, rt*r,*G l[i_93_y!311 .a.s.tsn advertisement fora newOnnf *rfeaa ,Ch"iL;ii;i,ffi; Gril"ioiri"i]i :T1*ttkytatre-styled lTlru* onrnoirn

consumer ihat"Niru.#iwas,,Now f:.Tlr*lT.potentiat knpw rtsht rhen ;no rh;*tffi ;ffijffifi; Itl9:yl.' I to the world attarge, orer atFqsr teastto rPyc :y,:1^lll*,:11{atanrSm ! $ounf readess, eecauJithijl;*;i#,il;' ,tullnd cruncning cruncnrng rat;;;;riilro. fat$e adverilsing,,it t also atsodemonstrate, demonor,iro: .:lTtl:^.t .onip[t" Jni

fundamentsr misundersta idinsortnebasrrtiiJtr ri iil;i.,i,#, a totaflackof respectfor tqe fiiln of mlfin*-"iLoou inetr'rinn some ofyo, sounJui*o-'r""J"*.ffi,!ff "1#


t"ro"'*1of;lti3if;li;1rffi becomes ffi ffir", thedeception in drinkis available


thatthis *iinw* consider ono$!y1$ onlv$2'61a madiurn i;il. n tmtiiori*ilattelooste cup(forthose

t1e, Eltralarse il:s;,';id; "iiJi-6i,$3,s0,gnu ,;h*;i!;h.FnllJntsn,ienttr'rouu1:Slutt?nD:.?tl*-:?Tl::'f,:s:i? Doesthisnot


otilirvana iflugtu' iridiiii"i. r'ttr-.qu"ntirving '.*. " ls"l:oit-?1-ll$ no" t Ju oii to,n back n rke hea "*pioio-tlu" claeshascorn " Thi rulingbourgeois Churoh? rrr"Jia"u"r


irirvanl I' iiiiiili*r'v.i.' rrr'urvv'vs'et vrv"' uv -' seurng I :T|.3.Y:*Y in societY,rrt;iU'*rto havs'aocumutatedrn0f$l$'aP{al

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thewealthY ,lnu' teincomoarejf :Tl *I",i"t H*'n':,'::1iTft arEpoiab thanthepimp{e{ nif"Otoitr*i, plasticbrimswithmoreNirvana'

*nowo*shisollyHl1i:tl?i3g1 *;'iiiig;t"i inoiuiouar, rolerate tesmail tafte,shaltryg ouvl' ;;',, ii'ollli-' i"' .chai "ing WiiiersunrtgBg-v!!y!g!,6ffiffi nnnression anvfurther?


Into!:*xury.,bYl urae'born wis a Prind'dtro ffie ,guaona :ho.:i-!fll$ ll$ anfl]suff-erlngl intoa lifeof'poverty takea spiritualioumey,

frommy friend, "TheBuddhain

enttM enlishtenm illn'r *[iiJil' iil';;,ilnot p"r" i,rn.""ndentat

liberationfrom the sufferingof Samsara.Nirvana[ 1great . ffi the hopetulendresultof a lifetimeof rigolrous.- 1q# achievement;

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Cildtrttt"",\ Boycott

luwuniaKilGf87iurnips, \ htwumaPalace: 112turnipsi Shawarrna:3 turnips

Queen:70turnips lnternationalShawarma ; a Cify,l,;78,turnips fultt's PlaceS =lp turnips

not a rating out of a hundred. I don't believ,ein {out of a hundred'rating systems.The numbersassignedare completelysubjectiveandhavenothingbut an arbitary conneetionto something'svalue. If I were rating things

outof a hundredI mightraswelljust givethema,thumbs up or thumbsdown. But that wouldn't meananything. I am i not so self-centeredas to think peoplegive a fuck about personalopinion. Who careswhat I like? That hasnever beenthepoint. Shawarmabeatis not aboutopinion. The turnlp rating schemeis wholly objective,scientific,and systematic.The numberyou seein the columnis the end productof a cornplicatedmathematicalequationthat takes into accounttoo manyvariablesto go into at thie tirne. It' beendevelopedspecificallyto arrive r$ a nunnberdiiectly representative of the bverallmerit of the establishmeirt i

questioh,For all youknowI don'tevenlike shawarma. Here'sa list of theplaees I've reviewed sofar, ., alongwithtH$iiturniP.rating$, ]

spot,thePrinceis As my localshawatma percentof my shawarma 40 to 30 a solid for responsible thatkeepsme intake.But it's not simplyconvenience bring comingback.Thisis a highquality,establishment;,I peopleto thePrinceall thetime. I'm proudof it' The gota arealwaysfresh,thepriceis right,.they've insredients fuil *unu, andtheyiven havewiielessintemet.''Onseveral I've receivedfreebaklavafor desert.Delicious' occasions ThePrinceprovesthatthe$owntowncoredoesnothave i. themonopolvon goodshawarma. I wishI hadonlygoodthingsaboutthePrmce'uur thereis onepointthatI needto address.O rytt topnotch garlic consistent piacemusthaveconsistently shawarma Prince'ssauceis usuallyquitegood, sauce.Altirough.the o$eeor twioeI..lvenoticedthatit hasbeona bit runny' It's judgetheconsistenoy of garlicsauce difficultto precisely withinthesandwichitself' Whereyou'rereallygoingto noticea differenceis with thepotatoes.To determine ask whetheryourgarlicspucehastheproperconsistency, it Does a shape? it hold Does yowselfthesequestions. you can see clineto thepotato,or doesit slideofl? If throughthesauceyouknowyou'rein trouble'Low poto:to viscosrtyis exkemgtyimportant' I fikethePrinceand\, 'feelthathehaswhatit takesto onedaybea Krng i

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Ilgp,icatty, sll I'm aimine byq. \here tfteband: exprersion rsonehundreClppm becaw$itsu$ss hrckofalot



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Sound Mind 8.5 - A Cognitive Re-evaluation