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Freshers’ Week Specials\\Thursday 2011\\

Get Classy


Yesterday Someone won £500. Was it you?


Big Wednesday Night Pub Quiz them look like a pair of very questionable lifeguards. Once everyone had been ushered in and after some opening banter by the aforementioned hosts the quiz began.


The QMU’s special freshers’ week Big Wednesday Night Pub Quiz certainly seemed to get all you freshers excited. The crowd queued up down the street and were packed into Qudos and the balcony by our wonderful freshers’ helpers. Such was the popularity some were unable to get tables, or even seats, but that didn’t hinder the fun. Our two charismatic and devilishly handsome (they made me write that) hosts, James and Chris, did a superb job as quizzmasters, despite being dressed in daft swim shorts that made

The first round was the science round, where competitors had to grapple with questions such as how many bones there are in an average adult human body and the amount of calories in a postage stamp. Hot on the heels of that round came the Geography round; if you had a map of the world in your bedroom as a child then this was the round for you. Sweets were thrown out to the maddened crowd for the best team names, despite the fact they were they were all terrible. Whether you freshers were as uncouth as the team names suggest before you came to Uni or if the university life has already corrupted you we’ll never know for sure, but even we would never dream of naming ourselves the things you did. Having said that, the next task was to be the quickest team to throw your bra and left shoe at our wonderful hosts in exchange

for a measly two points. Shame on you who won this round, because the prize was to cover your face in shaving foam and have a team mate throw Wotsits at your face in the hope of being the team to get the most to stick. Truly it had to be seen to be believed. It was the infamous film round next, with QM home video spoofs of Twilight and Harry Potter reducing the crowd to stitches. You had to be taking things seriously to get the points, however this proved hard considering how hilarious both films were. In the end two teams emerged victorious, the appallingly named Stone Vaginas and the equally shite Breaking the Seal. After a head-to-head contest involving balloons, bobbing for sweets in flour and amateur mummifying it was the Stone Vaginas who emerged victorious by popular opinion. Overall it was a pub quiz to remember. If you missed it, or if you want more, get yourself down to Jim’s bar every Wednesday at 8pm, for more of the same mayhem.

Beat-A-Maxx The night kicked off in typically enthusiastic form with thatdrummerthatdj, the guys that put a spin on a well trodden idea by putting seriously heavy live drums behind an arguably standard (albeit more than competent) DJ set. Their passion was obvious from the outset and the guys’ half hour set flew in with a mix of modern pop hits and old skool classics, all the while driven along by Ryan Hassan’s pounding drums. To VJ or not to VJ? Purists might argue that a club experience should purely be about the auditory sensations, that video screens are a meaningless gimmick that simply detracts from the whole thing. These “purists” should shut the fuck the up until they’ve seen the mighty Beat a Maxx in full swing in the QMU’s very own Qudos. The self proclaimed “world’s greatest VJ” lived up to his moniker with change, delivering a frantic set that left the audience begging for more.

The concept was probably new to most attendees (as it was to me), but essentially the mixing desk is surrounded by a phalanx of screens which display images both in time with, and relevant to, the music being rattled through the speakersat max volume, mixing anything from class ic music videos to class tv adverts.

It might sound crazy, but the crowd were utterly rapt as the set went on, paying as much attention to the screens as the music blaring out of the speakers. Thought it might sound like sensory overboard, the presence of the screens only ever added to, never detracted from Beat a Maxx’s blistering set. I can’t wait til he’s back.

After nearly a week of student partying it’s time for a rather more swanky affair : Thursday night sees Glasgow University’s only Freshers’ Ball. It’s a night full of old school glitz and glamour. From the red carpet entrance, to the drinks reception at the door, to the full scale casino in the second floor, we’ve mastered the VIP treatment to a T. Search out your glasrags one and all! Qudos will be transformed in to a twinkling paradise, just dark enough to disguise any fresher hedonism or frightfully uncouth dance moves! But all that grooving will no doubt leave you particularly parched so head

over to the beautiful mixologists at the Flair cocktail bars, who’ll mix you up something a little more sophisticated than the usual turbo rosé! Head up to Jim’s to sip (or slurp) the yumminess in the chilled out atmosphere of comfy sofas and relaxing music. We’ll have a pianist on hand to tinkle the ivories on our new piano.


And finally the QMU’s official photographer will be there all night to document all you spruced up lovelies. Tuxes and tiaras at the ready Freshers!

Vintage Clothes & Accessories Fair Organised by the incredible people at Judy’s Affordable Vintage Fair, this is one event you can’t miss. With fairs all over Britain, the ladies and gents of Judy’s know a find when they see it, and they’ve brought all of their best bargains and stylish elan to the QM.

With over 40 stalls of the UK’s most sought after vintage, handmade and re-worked clothes, pop in from 12pm to witness this inimitable shopping phenomenon. Expect to find a steal with prices up to 75% less than on the high street and be comfortable in the

knowledge that you’re getting something truly individual. Also, you might as well go emergency dress shopping in the same building as your emergency dress occasion!

S H O W C A S E This Thursday afternoon we’ve got some brilliant acoustic music for you to sit back and relax to. The infamous Unplugged Showcase is back again, and running all afternoon in Jim’s. This year we’ve outdone ourselves in terms of sheer brilliance, variety and even number of artists.

gorgeous Sunshine Social, a recent but extremely welcome addition to the Glasgow folk scene. The mighty Boycotts, fronted by the feisty Stina Twee, are here to delight you ears after that. Washington Irving, admired and envied in equal measure over their youthful talent.

Local boy Scott McWatt, fresh off the successful launch of his latest EP, will kick things off around 1pm but be sure to get in early to get a seat. Skippey Dyes, formerly known as The Fiction, are next on the bill, and will be espousing their umissable Sax Rock.

And finally, luckily for anyone who missed their incredible set in Qudos, we bring you an exclusive acoustic audience with the LaFontaines. Anyone who was there, will know fine well, this will be something not to miss.

Young upstarts Fatherson, who have toured with Scottish godfathers of Indie, Idlewild, will be on next and will be followed by the

Get down early, sit back and chill out as the QM hosts some of the finest local talent around, stripped back and raw.



Pick up your gladrags from Judy’s and wear them to the Ball



thursday 4

Welcome tae Glesca!

qmunicate’s Jonny talks you through some local sights If at some point during your University career you venture forth from the comforting darkness of bedroom/union bar/library and decide to see Glasgow properly you’re sure to find it the incredibly culturally varied and exciting city it is. Living around the University, it’s easy get caught in a little bubble and neglect the rest of the city. Do this though and you’ll miss some of the best things Glasgow has to offer. The East End, specifically The Barrowlands Market and Glasgow Green, are absolute must sees during your time in Glasgow. Think of the West End as the sophisticated older brother that went to Uni, settled down with a nice vegan girl and buys modern art. The East End is the cheeky chappie younger brother with a heart of gold that always needs to borrow money for fags, booze and bus fair. All they have in common is smoking roll-ups. On a weekend, the aforementioned

Barrowlands market (known colloquially as the barras) is a great place to buy almost anything you could conceivably think of. Beyond that, all the cafes and pubs are dirt cheap. Great place to go and nurture a hangover on a Saturday afternoon. Glasgow Green, another local staple and the East End’s answer to Kelvingrove park has a great buzz to it on sunny days. Despite its reputation, Glasgow is by and large a safe city with violent crime largely confined to areas far outwith the city centre. Having said that, the general Barrowlands, Glasgow Green area should probably be avoided late at night, particularly for those without local accents. Unless of course you’re at a gig in the world famous Barrowlands Ballroom (see music scene article in another issue) in which case it might be an idea to plan your route in advance and not linger around too long.

Art lovers will find plenty to get excited about in Glasgow. The modern art gallery just off Buchanan Street is worth a visit, and of course the Kelvingrove Art Gallery and Museum. Furthermore, lots of smaller galleries somewhat off the beaten track have been popping up so check them out for more niche artwork and exhibitions. In culinary terms, Glasgow is all about curries. In fact, many experts claim Chicken Tikka Masala has its origins in Glasgow. Around Charing Cross you can’t spit without hitting a curry house* and I would argue you can’t go wrong for excellent Indian food on all budgets in this area. Also, there’s loads of amazing pubs hidden in alleys throughout the city so get out there and find your own secret little joints to impress your flatmates with! *Don’t try this.

Contestant no. 4 on finding your new favorite song So we’re back in Glasgow for another joyous year of mistreating our livers, and maybe, just maybe, doing some work towards our degrees – several thousand mostly young people descending back into the city. And then there’s the freshers. New (for the most part) to the city, and to student life. I’d love to offer you all a word of advice, but I can’t think of anything concise enough, which is a shame – I will say this though: Freshers Week is all about spending your days getting given free stuff, and your evenings blowing your cash on cheap booze at the QMU. Not that I’m biased at all. The best parts of the week to go to – and the best events throughout the year – are invariably the live music shows.

attention to the ‘related artists’ feature – you may not think that some of what it comes up with sounds good at all, but these things can surprise anyone.

You see kiddies, music is where it’s all at – even as a politics student, I don’t think I could go on living if I were deprived of music. And don’t let anyone tell you that you should stick to one or two genres – listen to anything you enjoy, and find a good service (Personally, I use spotify, though Grooveshark and Last. FM are popular alternatives) to stream from the ‘net, and you’ve got the world of music literally at your fingertips. And my main advice for shit like that would be to pay

Anyway, much as I hate to say it, enough about me – Qudos plays host to a whole range of live acts throughout the year, usually at pretty reasonable prices (not always though). Get yourselves down to one of them, most likely someone you’ve barely heard of, and have a great fuckin’ night! And if the acts that the QM aren’t your thing on a certain night, look around – there’s live music everywhere in Glasgow and you could even perform your own for something

truly different. Unplugged in Jim’s Bar, for example, is always happy to help out first timers...


Musical Exploration

Over, and Out. I recently took the plunge of trying Wings on a friend’s advice, and loved them – listen to ‘band on the run’ or ‘silly love songs’ for a good taste of their style. My tastes are frequently influenced by the people I spend time with – my friends, my girlfriend, my parents – and are as a result, somewhat eclectic. There aren’t many people who’s playlists swing from the Phantom of the Opera, to Ride the Lightning, to Marry the Night (Andrew Lloyd Webber, Metallica, Lady Gaga, by the way).


[Text qmu + tuesday to 07766404142 to vote Columnist No.4 as our regular columnist]

Focus on:

Social Committee

Four committees. Five days. We’ll work something out for Friday. Every week at five thirty, The Social Committee meets and quite frankly it is a wonderful sight to behold. If you are interested in hosting quizzes, playing guitar, DJing Jim’s Bar or even firing out a bit of Katie Perry at karaoke then this committee is the place for you. Now I know what you are thinking; ‘why on earth should I come to a weekly anything hosted by a Souser with very little chat?’ Well I will begin with a quote from Paul Mcartney that reads ‘I don’t work at being ordinary’ Now, for the legendary Beatle this is a small and quite meagre claim as he wrote such classics as ‘Let It Be’ and ‘Hey Jude’

but here at The QMU we put on such social events as The Big Wednesday Night Pub Quiz, Unplugged Showcase and an array of wonderful Comedy nights which at least at a push is definitely better than some of his weaker albums realeased in the 80s…. Who am I kidding, basically the social calendar at the QM is really flipping wonderful. Really flipping wonderful. Anyway, enough of my nonsense, I want you to come to my committee because we’re a group of hard working students who pull together week in week out to provide you with fantastic daytime events, inside the finest Goddam Union in the world.

The Social committee is responsible for The Queen Margaret Unions fantastic early evening events that happen from Monday to Friday week in week out and wether you are interested in hosting Unplugged, our open mic night, trying your hand at writing questions for the two diverse quizzes in jim’s or even getting involved in a bit of theatre or comedy then The Social committee is definitely the place for you. So Freshers’, next Thursday, when your Freshers’ Week hangover has finally diminished and your voice has come back, pop up to the third floor in The QMU and attend a friendly, hard working and fantastic committee that will welcome you with open arms.

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Miss Mcguire outlines the pitfalls of academia

Now that you’re getting into the swing of Freshers’ Week and grabbing as much free stuff as you can, including this delightful publication, the idea of learning is probably the last thing on your mind. What with lecturers and advisers twittering on about responsibility, organisation and all that malarkey, chances are you’re trying to forget about what’s happening next week, if you haven’t done so already. However, I’m gonna ruin the fun for a moment and discuss what is hopefully the main reason you’re here: to obtain a degree. The media often romanticise the university experience, portraying student life as a never-ending blur of nights out and paying no attention to other social events, such as lectures and tutorials. This doesn’t mean they should be ignored though; they’re pretty important, and still allow you to meet new people and have a laugh. As the year progresses, you’ll probably notice a general trend throughout your classes. If you’re so much as a minute late to a lecture, you might find it difficult to get

those prime seats at the back of the lecture theatre, as everyone else has shunned the idea of front-row seats. It has been known for the smaller lecture theatres to fill up completely, forcing some students to sit on the stairs (or take one look at the lack of seats and decide they’re gonna go somewhere else, for example back to bed). Picture the same lecture theatre a few months later, and you can arrive as late as you want and still have a say in where you sit. Hey, you might even find a group of seats together, which can be a rarity in the first few weeks. When you do get around to reading over your lecture notes, you might notice subtle differences between the first lectures and the most recent. If you’re anything like me, you’ll have written down and highlighted almost every word the lecturer’s said in the first week, and then after that, your notes consist of “See Moodle” and the highlighter colours all but disappear; you can almost hear a collective sigh of relief when your lecturer informs you that today’s lecture slides

will be online. Whether you go and copy them down is another matter entirely. The distractions are endless, as being on Moodle invariably involves being on Facebook at the same time. This in turn will probably involve “liking” groups about how you should be studying instead of liking groups about how you should be studying. Confused yet? And then there’s exams. We all have to do them, we all complain about them, and the majority get through them no bother. If you’re one of those lucky people with a naturally retentive memory and/or a habit of passing exams well, take it as a compliment when other students express their jealousy. If you’re not as fortunate, then don’t fret if you’ve missed lectures here and there. They aren’t the be all and end all despite what your lectures might tell you. Revision isn’t too bad if you stick to it, which is far easier said than done, but you can join the scores of students who all but move into the library at exam time to catch up. I’ll see you there in March.

Keeping Busy

The importance of extra curricular activities

Another great way to get involved in extra curricular stuff is to participate in the running of your union! Several committees exist within the QMU (they’ve been outlined throughout this booklet you clutch in your grubby mitts). These include Publications, amazing for those interested in journalism

n ce e e r f f di a

Clubs are also an amazing way to meet new friends. Bear in mind, as with Fresher’s week in general, no-one knows each other and everyone feels a bit overwhelmed at times. Going to a club means you’ll be surrounded by people with whom you share a common interest, and this certainly removes some of the social pressure. As mentioned above the mixture of clubs on offer is quite staggering so you’re bound to find something that arouses your interest.


Glasgow Uni has outstanding sports facilities and dozens upon dozens of clubs, the vast majority of which will cater for beginners as well as more experienced players. Don’t expect to be ostracised if you’re not at competitive level yeat. Most of the clubs are as much about a sense of social community as they are about competitive achievement. Keeping active and fit has been proven to greatly improve your mood and general sense of wellbeing. Around this time you’ll probably be drinking and eating junk food a lot so getting active now and then will you

do you the world of good. If nothing else, at least join the very well equipped gym which at £50 for a year’s membership for students is an absolute steal (Also, saunas are the best hangover cure. 50 quid for a year’s access to a sauna is a bargain in and of itself. DO IT!)


With all the frantic enrolling, socialising and whatever other crazy hi-jinks you get up to during your Fresher’s Week it might be easy to completely miss the wealth of clubs and societies clambering for your attention like really enthusiastic and clean cut prostitutes. This would be a sin though, as Glasgow University as an incredibly eclectic variety of things to take your fancy when you’re not studying/boozing/sleeping, ranging from the normal (swimming) to the bizarrely sinister (assassin training).


thursday 6

What We Go To Uni For

or in getting free stuff. Alternatively there’s the Events committee, which would allow you to take an active part in the weekly running of the QM’s weekly club nights, Quids (Tuesdays) and Cheesy Pop (Friday). Social Committee runs all events in Jim’s Bar and the incredible Campaigns & Charities lot raise a ton of money for good causes.

Were you spotted bouncing to Beat-A-Maxx?


We saw you


thursday 8

The Admiral’s Love Boat

The Admiral on walks of shame, virginity and fetishes*

Dear Admiral, I’m still a virgin and I feel like everyone will make fun of me if they find out. Can you help?

Well fair lassie, it depends what ye be meanin’ by “help”… I be jestin’ with ye! Don’t be feelin’ down about it. I’m sure ye be a beautiful and seaworthy vessel, just waitin’ on yer maiden voyage. Only be divin’ in when ye be feelin’ the crew be deservin’ o’ ye! Thar be nothin’ worse than getting’ into the open ocean an’ wantin’ to abandon ship! Ye’ll be fine!

Dear Admiral, Any pearls of wisdom on how to deal with a walk of shame?

Sadly I be hoardin’ a treasure chest o’ those pearls. Ye may be feelin’ like yer walkin’ the plank, that yer sea sickness could attack at any time, or that yer stern be tender, but do remem’er that ye just got to bury yer treasure, an’ that all good plunder comes at a cost! Maybe pull yer eye patch down an’ tilt yer cap’ain’s hat a bit. Other than that, be proud o’ yer conquest

Dear Admiral, I can’t get off unless I’m dressed up as a pirate! What do I do?

Ye embrace such a revelation and encourage others to be followin’ ye! Get the peg legs an’ parrots out, that’s what I say! My number be just below if ye be unsuccessful in yer quest for a crew…

I saw you Text ‘qmu’ + your message to 07766404142 to see it printed here tomorrow I saw you Fresher needing some late night condoms. Glad they came in useful ;) • i saw you helpers showing the freshers in jims how to dance. • I saw you kerr stevenson telling everyone you’d pulled. Yes, I was shocked too. • I saw you jono looking like the quids posters. • I saw you Kat with your hands on Helens Jibbys, and vise versa! • i saw you father jack hackett being the biggest sleaze around. • I saw you SOLO moist McFanny grassing me up on your 20th birthday. • I saw you, K, jumping on his spaceship. • I saw you Laura, making sure everyone knows you’re a FIIIIREWORK. • I saw you lovely fresher who declared silent disco an awesome party. • I saw you mark jackson ripping open the crotch of your jeans while pole dancing. • I saw you channel B playing the ultimate playlist! • I saw you scott coming back... Ace stamina lad. • I saw you callum, trying to trade an electric blanket for sex. • I saw you spankin rankin hankin for a spankin. • I saw you twice and both times, you were wearing orange.. • I saw you panda, loving the lift. • I saw you Ellie finally taking time to sit down and let the minions do the work. We love you. • I saw you beat a maxx mashing up porn with pendulum you cheeky bastards • I saw you casper grinding like a pro. • I saw you Kathryn, terrorising Liam with the filth(y) panda • I saw you Liam, sober-shufflin’ like there’s no tomorrow. • I saw you antibiotics getting newbie wasted so so quickly • I saw you slackey-anne being hotter than freshers • I saw you louise shambolluck shitting in the boys toilet bin. qmunicate.magazine@ qmunicate is © Queen Margaret Union. All work is © its authors 2011. Views expressed in qmunicate do not necessarily represent the views of the Queen Margaret Union or indeed those of the authors themselves.

Editor: Nina Ballantyne Deputy Editors: Jonny McAra/Marc Barr/Theo Wheatley Contributors: Pad Hughes/Mystery columnist 4/Alice Stearn/James Ansell (retrospectively)/ Christina McGuire Thanks: Pete Sansom, again/Team Everyone/The Doctor Despite: Dodgy pirate cola/all the mentals/Peter S. Foakes/temporary blindness/comfy comfy sofas Photography Credits: Alice Black Printing: Mailboxes Etc

FW Special '11 Thursday  

Thursday's copy of qmunicate reveals the winner of the Biggest Wednesday Night Pub Quiz for all those who weren't there. Plus we've got a br...