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qmunicate Freshers’ Week ‘09 • Thurs •

We Saw You The Freshers’ Ball 2009

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Poke Her Face

Tommy Quinn

Sally Munter explains the joys of real poker

There are a few good perks about living in the most distant of the student halls. For those of you who “can’t be bothered” cooking (meaning you’d boil rice in a kettle), Wolfson Hall’s catering should do the trick. Despite not having scooped any Michelin stars recently, the food will keep you alive. For those looking after your pennies I’d recommend taking a bacon roll from the canteen in the morning for your lunch. The free interior phone system means you’ll never have to leave your bed, and the seats and cushions in the common room can be made into an awesome fort.

Whilst the term “poker face” may have come into prominence and arguably basterdized through a terrible pop song, the original referrant of the term provides much more of an interesting subject for discussion, as does the game in which one would utilise such an expression.

The debate of online vs real life poker has raged for an age. Surely not having your opponents surrounding you whilst you play puts you at a disadvantage, or at least takes away what is a major part of the game? Well, if you naturally shake like the morning after C block has been inhabited by many a 15 pint session as soon as you’re under distinguished and fine young men and women, any pressure, playing online could be of real but if you’re not elite enough to be in there any benefit to you, but does it compare to the real block will do. B block (a.k.a. Bosnia) makes up thing? For most players, not really. for what it lacks in interior décor with a warm sense of camaraderie. Or so I’ve heard. At some Okay, online gives you the advantage of point. Maybe. I don’t know. conveinence, at the expense of the social experience and potential transferrable skills. Being situated 3-4 miles away from the main What could be better than having your mates campus makes Wolfson the butt of inter-hall round with a crate, a deck of cards and a stack jokes (practically on the banks of Loch Lomond of ships? etc), but in reality this is no distance at all. Very few people know this but the walk along the And with real face-to-face poker you’re not Kelvin River is lovely, especially at dawn, and only testing your statistics skills, but also your only takes 30-40 minutes to get to the campus. Try it out with a few pals one morning. The charter bus is good banter in the mornings, but as it only goes a few times a day, and not at weekends a First Pass is better value. In yesterday’s edition an error was made by There is a First bus stop just outside the gates the editing team of qmunicate which lead which the 40 goes past, then you can take the to a remark regarding the event hosted by 18 from Tesco to Byres Rd. For those of you the Glasgow University Union (GUU) being who want to save a bus fare, walk towards printed in the magazine’s “i saw you” section. Maryhill for 5 minutes and the 18 comes from The message about the event, which was the 1st road on your left. The SRC buses also run in co-ordination with Glasgow University run in the evenings and are handy. Don’t Sports Association (GUSA), may have been expect them to bring you home from Cheesy interpreted in a way that would have negative Pop though! When you’re on your way back connotations about the GUU, GUSA and try and share a taxi between five or six people, those in attendance. The message, submitted that way it’s only a couple of quid each. Don’t anonymously, was included due to an walk back along Maryhill Rd after a night out. oversight by the editing team, who should have removed it during the proof reading stage of editing, however the comment wasn’t noticed by the magazine’s senior editor before it was sent to print. The magazine was subsequently reprinted with the remark removed.

An Apology

The qmunicate editing team would like to apologise to anyone who may have been offended by the remark, and would like to

people skills. In deducing your opponents tells; that shake of the lip as he calls, the darting eyes he hits a river on the straight on the river you can become practiced at reading people in real life situations. Picking up on subtle nuances in people’s mannerisms can help in situations like if your boss is about to sack you so that you can quit and storm out in dramatic fashion before he does. Or when you’re out on the pull, and you can find out whether you’re wasting your time and money buying her drinks, cause she’s actually more interested in your wage package than your actual package. The QM Poker League begins Monday 21st September in Qudos. £2 buy-in, Hold’em.

assure anyone who may have taken offence that proper measures have been taken to retrieve the small number of distributed copies of yesterday’s qmunicate, which have subsequently disposed of. In addition to this the qmunicate editorial team are currently in the process of reassessing their proof reading policies. Whilst qmunicate and the Queen Margaret Union (QMU) value the input of the membership we understand that remarks similar to those printed are not acceptable in any context and would like it to be known that we have nothing but respect for the GUU, GUSA and their respective memberships. Although the qmunicate team offer their sincerest apologies to those affected by the error, it is important to note that in every issue of qmunicate a disclaimer is printed to convey that views expressed within the magazine do necessarily represent those of the QMU. The qmunicate team hopes that the majority of readers has enjoyed these Freshers’ Week editions and would like to extend their apologies, once again for any offence caused.

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Review: Thursday qmunicate Unplugged With Jim’s bar practically full, there was potential for Unplugged to match the QM’s afternoon entertainment shows in frivolity. Being an open mic night, Unplugged always offers its audience a wide variety of talents and duds, from the overconfident crap guitarist to the reserved prodigy. The QM has seen its fair share of both, and always proves to be popular and fun. Due to popular demand, past host Cristin took to the stage with the sort of confidence that alleviates the pressure hopeful participants may be feeling, and eventually the first timid volunteer of the afternoon came on. However, as time went by it became obvious that most of the audience weren’t actually the audience, rather just students and freshers out for an afternoon beverage and a natter.

Last night’s Freshers’ Ball 2009 kicked off with a bang - literally. Confetti cannons greeted the first of hundreds through the door as the festivities began. A red carpet paved the way under a marquee to the QM so ball-goers queued in style. After the grand opening, a multitude of entertainments were available upstairs in the Food Factory, which had

been transformed from its usual self into a sophisticated dining room, complete with sleek tablecloths, balloon decorations and subtle, dimmed lighting. As well as grabbing a French Martini from the Bacardi cocktail bar, freshers were able to treat themselves to a yummy marshmallow or donut coated in melted chocolate from the fountain.

There’s obviously nothing wrong with this, but bar the first row of people, little attention was show to the guitarists and the chatter may have put some prospective people off. Nevertheless, the people who did play offered a wide variety of styles: from calm and frantic, simplistic to intricate, there was a little bit of everything being played by very competent musicians. Also impressive was the range of styles present. With one man playing tap guitar on a 12-string with such delicacy, to pseudoimprovised Mississippi blues and duets between host and guests. There’s a lot of potential in these Unplugged nights, with Jim’s bar having the vibe of a 50’s dive bar and the talent around campus to entertain everyone with everything. Budding guitarists, violinists, sitarists (is that a real term?) and anyone else welcome.

The far end of the Food Factory, for one night only, took on new life as a Vegas casino. Patrons of the QM Casino could titillate themselves with blackjack, roulette spin the wheel and poker, but were able to do so without spending any cash of their own – chips were one of the freebies provided with the use of the unique wristbands, and the person with the biggest stack at the end of the night walked away with a brand new Nintendo Wii. Freshers were spoilt for choice with the freebies available throughout the evening, starting with the glass of bubbly provided at the sparkling reception. Qudos was filled with those looking to dance the night away in their finest attire. Everyone had made an effort with their appearance, with plenty of party dresses and kilts to be seen, and Freshers were able to capture their own memories of the night with an official photo with their friends.

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Preview: Friday qmunicate 4pm • Committee Room Two I’m a great believer in honesty in journalism, and as much as I know this will be fantastic becuase I went to the last whisky club meeting, I’ll confess that I don’t really know that much about the whiskies on offer in this special preview version of the QMU Whisky Club. I have however, been reliably informed they are lovely, and that for the miniscule fee of a fiver, you’ll be getting four drams of excellent quality whisky, which, in most bars, would set you back around £15-20. Not bad. Our resident expert, the multi-talented Ruaraidh MacIntyre, will however know a lot about the whiskies, all

9pm • Qudos Fridays ARE Cheesy Pop. This is a fact you will grow to learn and love. Even when term’s actually started, your loan’s running dry, you’ve got an essay due in and you’re feeling generally miserable, you’ll find that Fridays will still be the time for the QM’s best clubnight. Fridays will always be Cheesy Pop.

of which have been specially chosen to provide a wide range of tastes to those not too familiar with the range Scotland has to offer. On offer are the The Balvenie Single Cask 15; The Arran Malt 100 Proof; Aberlour A’bunadh and the Laphroaig 1/4 Cask, with comentary and tasting notes from Ruaraidh and the lovely ambience of the QM’s Commitee Room 2 to round out the deal. Four drams. Four o’clock. Five pounds. That sort of ruined that pattern, didn’t it? Eh, nevermind. Get a ticket and drink some whisky. On sale now from the Reception.

This Friday’s Cheesy is an even more special one as we celebrate the sixteenth birthday of our weekly QM institution. But forget the tiaras and tears normal for Sweet 16ths. To help us mark this very special occasion, three guest performers will be joining us; Scott from Five, and Jo and Bradley from S Club 7, no less. They’ll be helping us to celebrate and performing live on stage, to help you dance your cares away and relive those simpler times of dance routines and cassette players.

In addition to the party celebrations, we’ll have the launch of our brand new Friday night event: QM Karaoke in Jim’s. Don’t try to fool yourself into thinking you’re too cool for this, just worry about whether you have what it takes to bust it out on the mic. What could be a better tonic than singing to your heart’s content in front of a delighted audience? (Okay, they’re more likely to be pissing themselves laughing if you can’t get up to scratch, but you can always dream...)

DJ Toast, as always, brings you everything from Kings of Leon to Girls Aloud, and all that’s in between, guaranteeing an amazing night of dancing and singing along to the best tunes.

Katie Petheridge is your karaoke hostess with the mostest this evening, and staying in her good books is probably a good plan, as you may find your song being cut short otherwise.

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Ruaraidh j MAcIntyre qmunicate’s anti-satirical columnist on washing yer baws n tha...


ow into your fifth day of Freshers’ week you’ve probably realised that your clothes don’t wash themselves, and that some of your flatmates don’t wash themselves. Sweat is a great leveller; it makes sexy people as attractive as ugly people, but you’ll want to limit this to clubs, and not in the middle of a lecture. You’ll know that you smell if during a lecture you have a one seat exclusion zone in all directions, and people are sitting on the floor rather than facing your mighty odour. Washing is a complicated drawn out process involving many mysterious chemicals that only women know the true meaning of; I was 14 before I found out conditioner was not some sort of exotic bathroom mayonnaise, but I will say that it’s better in a sandwich than it is in my hair.

If you want to ease yourself into being clean then you should have a shower; if it’s hot enough the water will do most of the work, and if you’re a fat git you can just sit down. To save time you can wear clothes into the shower, use soap to work them into a lather, and knock out two birds with one stone; this phrase dates back thousands of years, it’d now be more apt to say knock out two birds with one Rohypnol.

Some people think that baths can clean you. This is like trying to clean your dishes with dirty dish water; it can be made even worse by using someone’s pre-used bath water. This is the washing equivalent of sharing needles with Pete Docherty. You can actually get syphilis this way, regardless of whether anyone in your flat has syphilis.

Occasionally you may need to shave; lads shave their faces, while women shave off any Once you’ve mastered washing you’ll start to hair between their eyebrows and toenails. It’s derive your fun from how quickly you wash. considered bad manners to use someone’s With men it’s a case of armpits, crotch, and razor to shave your crotch if you know it’s done; rinsing is optional. For ladies it’s armpits, going to be used later on someone’s face, it’s boobs (no-one likes sweaty boobs), and I’m not like using a child’s bib to wipe your pits, when sure about crotch. They claim it’s self cleaning, you know it’s going to later hang around its but if you crapped in one I reckon it would be neck. Remember the golden rule of cleanliness; reeking for at least a week. if you don’t smell, you don’t need a wash.

The Board of Management


he Board of Management. Sounds a little dull? Don’t fear, dear Fresher, I can assure you that it is anything but. The BoM is responsible for running this gorgeous building, and to solve any problem that you as a QMU member may have. Ordinary board members are the foot soldiers, we also have 4 committee convenors who you’ve been hearing from in this space all week, then the Executive. My job as Ord Board Convenor is to help the Ordinary Board bring their personal strengths and individuality to the table, so we can work together to make our Union the best that it can be. Any idea we may have, weird or wonderful,

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can be discussed. If it sounds like something we totally should do, then we will try and do it! Being on the board is an excellent way to get your voice heard, so if you want to give something back and love the QM then a position on the board is definitely the way to go. The QM welcomes fresh ideas with open arms, no matter how small. Elections for a position on the Board run several times a year. I am sure your ear must be bleeding from everyone telling you to make the most out of university life, but take heed as this is sound advice! Joining the Board could

possibly be the most rewarding thing you could do with your time, so it would definitely fill the quota. As an Ordinary Board member you may run into some hard work, but the experience that you take away is completely worth it! You get to be part of something important, and the feeling of helping your fellow students to have a fabulous union to play with can’t be measured. The QM is made up of countless ideas contributed by members and board members alike, and there is always room for more. Come on and give it a try!

Something Else feature of some sort

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Trust me, I’m almost a Doctor... qmunicate does not endorse this column, it just appeared here when we went for a pint Q - I just bought a Carbon Monoxide Detector for my flat. What should I do if it goes off? A - The cure for carbon monoxide poisoning is carbon dioxide. You should remove all plants from your room. Your flatmates should then exhale on you repeatedly. Q - I tried to give blood and I was told I was anaemic. What does that mean? A - Anaemia is when there is not enough iron in your blood. The only accurate way to measure the degree of anaemia is to be bled dry and a magnet used to collect all the iron. While this is accurate, it is often disastrous, so the best thing is just to consume more iron. And remember, steel is 98% iron. Things made from steel include cars, the Finnieston Bridge, and my testes. Pick one of these things to lick repeatedly, and try to drink Irn Bru whilst doing so, it’s also around 98% iron.


Q – I have a rash “down there”. What should I do? A – Firstly, you should be less forthcoming with your disgusting ailments. The correct treatment for a rash is cream. Any cream will do. I usually put toothpaste in an old jam jar with the label removed.This will sting when applied and will therefore seem as if it has medicinal properties. Also, check out the QM’s C-card service for some free condoms so it doesn’t happen again. Q - I woke up this morning with a really red eye. Help? A - You have Red Eye. This is probably caused by toothpaste being flicked into your eye during some over-zealous brushing. Bicarbonate of soda in the toothpaste is an alkali. Although, logically, the correct cure for this would be acid, this in fact seems to

make things worse. It might be worth trying to cry the toothpaste out. If you cannot cry, try watching a baby seal while it watches its mother being clubbed. Keep your questions coming for Medic as he may return in our full issues later in the year.

text “qmu” and your message to 07766404142

I saw you pete terrorising lindsay. • i saw how filthy your old flat was badger and hedgehog. Clean much/ever? • i saw yoo with yoor face that looks like a wet teabag • I saw you with your Awesome face handing out sympathy pulls, KAKA! • i saw you cristin sereneding us with your whistle in the committee room! • i saw you calvin d big drumma • i saw you ciaran tidying up the committee room • I saw you honorary president swaggering in sunglasses • I saw you telling your friends your boyfriends dad is an escort • I saw you ya fuckin dick • i saw you tiny mouse fucking about under my bed • is this the end? this story’s old let it go • i saw you fresher thinking it would be a good idea to wear black pants under your thin white dress • i saw you flu, everywhere, in everyone • i saw you ally hunter making an excellent pun • i saw you chiara perving over the toilet wall • i hate andy w • i saw you qmunicate team dropping like fluridden flies • i saw you the birth of Fridays ARE Sneezy Cock • I saw you team wilson looking hotter than any 4 people with the same name ever have before. Sunday roast at mine? x • I saw you alison desperaste to get this roast to happen • i saw you big Aldo Bates delivering my sisters baby in a FW Editing Team: Iain Smith maternity ward with only your mind power • I saw you, Ian, smothering a haggis with your little john • I saw you, speed lynch, morphing into an old man right before my eyes • i saw you being too Katie McQuater / Adele Austin lazy to think of a pun about cairncross • i saw you TAPS AFF being a real life meme • i saw you ally Contributors: Medic / Duncan Usher / Tom Quinn / hunter taps affing • i saw you robynne finally • i saw you caoimhe on the floor of the cons. night • Ruaraidh J. MacIntyre / Toni Bruce Photos: Megan Coghill / Pete Johnston Cheers: More than four hours sleep / Mailboxes for being awesome Despite: Andy / Distracting Misshapes qmunicate is © Queen Margaret Union. All work is © its autho rs 2009. Views expressed do not necessarily represent the QMU.


What’s on today…

All day - Free Pool & DJs in Jim’s 4pm QMU Whisky Club Preview 9pm Cheesy Pop Sweet 16th

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qmunicate Freshers' Week 2009 - Friday 18th  
qmunicate Freshers' Week 2009 - Friday 18th  

Friday's edition of the QMU's qmunicate magazine