SEXCEPIES A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO SPICING UP YOUR SEX LIFE
Copyright ÂŠ 2014 by Becky Moore. Published by Pussycat Publishing, Inc. New York, New York. www.PussycatPublishing.com www.Facebook.com/PussycatPublishing ISBN-13: 978-0692230381 ISBN-10: 0692230386 No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise, except as permitted under Sections 107 or 108 of the 1976 United States Copyright Act, without the prior written permission of the Publisher. Requests to the Publisher for permission should be addressed to the Legal Department, Pussycat Publishing, Inc. at Legal@PussycatPublishing. com Pictures and art provided by their respective owners and were used with permission, all rights reserved. Additional licensing provided by Scarlet Content
IMPORTANT NOTE The material in this book is for educational purposes and is intended to provide helpful guidance concerning human sexuality. Neither the author nor the publisher is engaged in rendering medical, psychological, or any other professional service. If you have questions concerning the application of the material and advice described in this book and its affect on your health and Well-being, it is your responsibility to consult a qualified professional first. Any use of the techniques used in this book is at your own risk. The authors and publishers cannot be held responsible for any error, omission, professional disagreement, or outdated material in this book. The authors and publishers are not liable for any upsetting reaction, damage, injury, infection, fatal disease, or other adverse outcome as a result of applying the information or engaging in any activities suggested in this book. This book was created for adultsâ€™ age 21 years or older only. Some subject material may not be suitable for minors. Continuing beyond this point indicates your acceptance of these restrictions, and your acknowledgement that alternative sexual practices are not offensive to you. 5
s a sex therapist, I have witnessed the impact that great sex has on relationships and female psychology in particular. An unsatisfying sex life can be detrimental to your relationships and could ultimately lead to psychological or even health problems. It can negatively impact your daily levels of happiness and fulfillment, and could even lead to depression. A healthy and fulfilling sex life, on the other hand, can be a game changer. A truly sexually-fulfilled woman is happier, healthier, and tends to have a much higher quality of life than someone who is stressed, depressed, or sexually unfulfilled. Being sexually fulfilled will not only improve the chemistry between you and your partner, but at times, it can also serve as a â€œmagic pillâ€? for couples who want to 7
spice things up. It affects everything from your overall health to your mental state of mind. The sensations you feel, the thoughts filtering through your mind, and the emotions you experience are generally positive when your sex life is up to par with your desires. Also, sex itself becomes a much more enjoyable experience. The term “better than sex” should be changed to “better than average sex,” since sex can be bad, average, good, or great, depending on your psychology. Almost every sexually active (or inactive) person on planet earth wishes for a better sex life - they want to spice things up, be more sexual, sensual, have new and exciting experiences, and introduce their partners to greater levels of sexual pleasures. This is called “wishing for a better sex life” and it’s what this book is about. The unrealistic bar that pornography sets for women and men often causes unnecessary stress in our lives because we mistakenly think that’s the way sex should be. Much like thinking that a romantic hunk proposing to a beautiful actress on film is the way our life should 8
look like. For most people, reality is not as cinematic. Research shows that many women say that the best sex after getting married has been with themselves. This is a sad fact for many since our personal fantasies are often stronger than our current reality, and our hands know what to do while most men need to be guided. When you have really good sex or dare I say, great sex, you usually get there yourself. Your partner adds a certain degree of stimulation, but at the end of the day, if your mind isnâ€™t in the right place, your partner will fall short. However, adding the right ingredients, the perfect mood, and the added sex drive, and your partner can become the ultimate sexual tool and sex becomes, well... great! The interesting fact is that great sex is not about the sexual act itself. Great sex comes from a mental state of mind that exists well before penetration. A sexuallyfree woman who has a high sexual drive and a mind craving for intimacy. She is far more likely to experience an amazing sexual encounter with her partner than someone whoâ€™s stressed out and enters a 9
sexual encounter with a distracted mind. Even if you’re focused on the sexual act taking place, 30 minutes of foreplay is not enough to give you what you really need. Some women don’t even get five minutes of foreplay. And while 30 minutes is enough time to drive all the blood into the right places and get your body ready for penetration, it’s not as good as an hour, two hours, five hours, or a whole day’s worth. “Come’ on Beck, be serious! A five hour foreplay?” Yes! “That’s unrealistic” Why? “No one has five hours for foreplay” “There is more than one way to have sex, and likewise, there is more than one form of foreplay... Keep reading” So the answer to an amazing sexual experience lies with your daily routine, your mindset, how well you’re doing, how good you’re feeling, and how sexually charged you are when the time comes for a sexual encounter. 10
Some people blame the marriage institution itself. They think that the lack of libido is due to a boring routine (sleeping with the same person over and over again, every night for the rest of your life - how exciting!). It’s fair to say that as your hubby’s belly grows, your desire to want a piece of it begins to fade. As you do the same thing over and over, excitement no longer plays a part in your “love life.” The magic is soon gone and like Gandalf the Grey, you feel like jumping off a cliff in a poor attempt of holding onto it. After a while, you just give up, you lose your sexuality, and life becomes about pleasing and serving others. As you stop giving to yourself, your body quits, your spirit quits, and although you may be happy giving service to everyone else (your kids, your husband, your pets, your house), you won’t be fulfilled. Not sexually anyway. Without sexual fulfillment, it won’t be long before you find yourself rubbing one out in the car before coming home after work, taking an interest in strange fetishes and odd sexual fantasies, and eventually picking up knitting lessons from that 11
old lesbian couple down the street. You’ll live in fear of “giving up” until you actually do. So - What are some of the missing ingredients that will make your sex life complete? What’s the secret to maintaining a higher sex drive? How do we stay sexual and sensual while maintaining a high degree of control over our sexual needs? How do we produce stronger orgasms? How do we reach that elusive “simultaneous orgasm”? How do we get our spouse to fantasize about us and try harder in satisfying us in bed? The answers to these questions are included in this book where you’ll find a few simple “recipes,” some easy things you can do on a regular basis to significantly improve the quality of your sex life and personal relationship. This book is packed with fun and exciting tips for adding that extra spice to your love life. Ready? Turn off you cell phone and get a glass of wine - this is a ride worth taking. Enjoy!
Recipes for Great Sex Great sex starts before you ever get into bed and lasts until you reach that sweet orgasm with a smile on your face. Like most recipes, you’ll need to mix some important ingredients to get the result you’re after. These ingredients are: A) Psychology B) Physiology C) Environment D) Relationship For the sake of this book, let us define what great sex means. For some women, great sex is defined by the intensity of their orgasm. For others, it’s the level of connection they reach with their partner. For some, it’s how pleasurable the act leading to the orgasm is. These are 15
all influenced directly by two major ingredients: (a) Psychology and (b) Physiology (another word for Physiology can be “physical performance”, i.e. the way you touch, lick, feel, grab, and squeeze - the things you “do” to the physical body). The secondary ingredients are (c) Environment and (d) Relationship. These can add or take away from your overall experience. PSYCHOLOGY Psychology is quite simply the way you think and the way you perceive and interpret things that are happening to you. What does that have to do with sex, you ask? Well, in addition to how good sex feels and the physical sensations we experience before, during, and after climax, sex is a spiritual and psychological experience. Psychology is what creates sex drive, increase testosterone, creates arousal, increases desire, influences your emotions and feelings, and creates that feeling of intimacy we so strongly crave for. Psychology influences everything, and in fact, plays the biggest role in determining how good or bad our sex lives are. Bad psychological states can 16
turn pleasure into pain, eradicate stimulation, and make the best Ron Jeremy move seem unappealing - even when performed by an experienced lover. Were you ever “not in the mood” for sex? Did you ever feel like you’re being turned off by someone you found attractive in the past? On the other hand, did you ever feel an unbelievable need to ‘scratch that itch?’ Did you ever find yourself having sex with someone in your mind before you ever find yourself in bed with them? Those are experiences where your psychology began to consciously influence your sexual desire and as a result, changed your mood or altered your sex drive. Many times when you fight against your mood and engage in sexual pleasure despite “not feeling like it,” your body changes and the “spark is back.” You may think that this is your body changing how you think about the situation, when in reality, it’s the other way around. Arousal starts in your mind first. However, as you will soon discover, if you don’t get into the right state of mind, sexual interactions may feel good physically, but they’re far from “amazing!” and are definitely not satisfying. The easiest way to give you a quick “how 17
to improve your sex life” tip without boring you with scientific text is to introduce you to the concept of ‘sexual energy’ or ‘sexual mana.’ See this bar below? Imagine the green bar as being completely passive and natural, where you experience zero stimulation and have no sexual desire whatsoever (low priority). The red bar represents being very aroused and ready to the point of obsession (high priority).
You’ll be surprised to learn that many women in a committed relationship will have sex with their partner while the bar is the green, maybe because they don’t want to upset them or perhaps because they think that an average sexual experience is better than no sexual experience at all. (and be honest, it feels good so why not, right?). However, as a result, having sex in the green almost always leads to an average sexual experience. Many times, you’ll find yourself masturbating after such experiences despite the fact you were ‘passive’ only an hour earlier. Suddenly, that average sexual experience produced the need for a positive sexual sensation, you don’t even need that bottle of lube anymore. Suddenly, you’re ‘ready.’ The second and most popular case is when we find ourselves using psychology to bring us as close as possible to the red using foreplay. In this scenario, we’ve engaged in a sexual activity, but sex hasn’t “started yet.” We start at the green and work our way into the red before the time runs out, and our partner moves to penetration. And since men have a very short green bar, they can jump to penetration without much stimulation. However, if the foreplay was effective and got 19
us into the right state of mind, we’ll get as close as we can to the red by the time our partner is ready to penetrate. The idea is to engage in physical foreplay while you’re already in the red, and the higher up you go, the more pleasurable and the stronger the orgasm will be. The more prepared you are, the more your mind becomes occupied with sexual thoughts and desires. When you’re in the red and in “the mood,” sex becomes more pleasurable and the climax is almost always stronger. Your goal is to make sure you’re in the red before you ever get to physical foreplay, that way, you crave stimulation and the sensations are orgasmic to say the least. Sex relieves tension, particularity sexual tension. Every sexual experience you have during the day will add tension to your sexual tension bar, your bar will rise closer and closer to the top before releasing it becomes a priority and you become obsessed with it. Watching a steamy sex scene in a movie, kissing someone passionately, reading erotic materials, or engaging in mental foreplay during the day can cause your bar to rise and add tension to your sexual tension bar, until eventually, you release it. For women, it takes a while to get 20
there; while men can get to the top of the bar in 15 minutes, if they focus. The secret lies within what I call, the building of sexual energy, or “mental foreplay.” Before we dive into it, I want to make one thing clear: Great sex is not just about the orgasm. You can have an orgasm while having sex in the green, you can have an orgasm while having sex when you don’t want to have sex, when you’re tired, when you’re stressed, when you’re not in the mood and even when being forced to have sex against your will (15% of rape victims said they had involuntary orgasms during a sexual assault). In fact, there is even a rare illness that brings about involuntary orgasms several times a day (PGAD). The orgasm itself is a physical/chemical reaction. The idea is not to have an orgasm, but to have a great sexual experience and to experience a highly pleasurable orgasm as a result of a connection you make with your partner. You want to indulge in intimate sensations which will ultimately build and release enough sexual tension to deliver an AMAZING sexual experience. The orgasm is the peak of that experience - the destination. The pleasure is in the journey itself, not just 21
in the final destination. That’s the definition of great sex, as far as this book is concerned. Now - there are many ways to build sexual energy before foreplay even starts, and in this book, we’ll collectively call them part of your Mental Foreplay, something you should definitely integrate into your day-today life. Let us review these strategies: THE ESSENTIALS Exercise: It’s been proven that exercise increases sexual desire and pleasure for both men and women. In addition, a healthy body has a better chance of reaching sexual peaks and being able to produce better orgasms. Shared exercise with your partner helps the relationship as well, keeping both of you fit, happy, and healthy. Healthy Diet: The better your blood flows in your body the more aroused you will get. Clogged arteries caused by high cholesterol will turn sexual arousal into a laborious chore for the body. Unhealthy foods shift the balance between estrogen and testosterone and lower your overall sex drive. On the other side of the spectrum, more iron leads 22
to a higher libido (these come from broccoli, spinach, chard, strawberries, dates, figs, etc.), higher levels of Vitamin E will increase your sexual energy levels (almonds, avocado, shrimp, sunflower seeds), more dopamine increases sex drive (bananas, dark chocolate, oatmeal, etc.). Green and water-based foods are considered the best for maintaining a high libido. Eating lots of greens, fruits, veggies, and natural foods can do the trick. Avoid processed foods at all costs, especially white bread, high fat foods, and fast foods. Your body consists of what you put inside of it; the more junk you eat the less effective your body becomes. The more acidic and fat your body becomes, the less energy it has left for sex. By the way, the only activity that takes more energy for the body than sex is digestion. Eat right, and youâ€™ll notice the results immediately. Stress: Stress levels have the biggest impact on your sex life; however, they can be harnessed and have a beneficial use if you have some control over your psychology. Using stress as an excuse to get out of sex will not create a desired sexual experience, thatâ€™s obvious. However, if you use it as a motivator, 23
it can increase your sex drive and put you in the red if you just “think about it.” It’s all about how you direct your focus. If you think about how stressed you are, sex will become a chore that you simply don’t have time for. However, if you think about how amazing sex can make all the stress go away (which it will), you can use that focus to build and release sexual energy (ever heard of angry sex?). The next time you’re feeling ‘stressed’ or ‘overworked’ - have sex with the intention of releasing all that negative energy into one explosive orgasmic experience. You’ll be shocked at the results. Visualize: Meditation and visualization are not tools exclusive to self-help junkies and monks. If you’re already doing some meditating in your day-to-day life, then sexual visualization should be a part of your daily ritual. I can create a sexual thought in a second if I choose to, and so can you. If you stop reading and spend the next 5 minutes thinking about penetration, imagining a strong, muscular hunk or a beautiful soft angel (whatever your flavor is) going down on you, licking, touching, kissing and bringing you to a perfect orgasm. Vividly imagine their head between 24
your legs as you scream to high heaven. Spend a few minutes in your imagination with your eyes closed and you’ll suddenly feel the “urge,” the blood rushes down and sexual pressure starts building, you’ll actually “feel it” in your body and you get “in the mood.” If you’ve ever read The Secret, you’ll know what I’m talking about. Now, if you occupy your mind with sex long enough you’ll get to experience a strong sexual desire, and when the time comes to either give pleasure to yourself or to receive it from a partner, you’ll start foreplay in the red which will lead to a more pleasurable, intense sexual experience. Another form of visualization can be reading erotic books or watching erotic films and masturbating without coming (slowly). Porn star Kayden Kross said that that’s how she prepares herself for porn shoots, she’ll get herself warmed up 2 or even 3 hours before filming, and if you’ve watched her materials you’ll know that she rarely “fakes” an orgasm, and she gets them almost every time.
PHYSIOLOGY Pleasurable sex is not induced by penetration alone. Foreplay, kissing, licking, touching, caressing, sucking, and manipulating your body and your partner’s body is what makes the act so pleasurable and what will ultimately lead to a fantastic sexual experience. Many women think that the perfect partner will know how to get us to mind-blowing orgasms and give us the best sex of our lives. They’re not mistaken. However, your chances of finding a man or woman who knows how to push your every button is as low as winning an Oscar for your eight grade performance in the Nutcracker. But this doesn’t mean that you cannot have the same experience as someone who has such a partner in her rolodex. Since you cannot control the performance of your partner, you’ll need to rely on your own performance to produce the same results. Using your hands to show them what you like, where you like to be touched, kissed, licked, caressed, and how you like your speed. In most cases, taking the wheel and being in control of yourself and your partner feels amazing. You can direct them, 26
push them and use their body as if were a live, breathing sex dummy that does as you please. Sure, it will take a little more effort than just lying there and hoping for the best, but the results will be life-changing! Take control of your physiology, and your sex life will change forever. ENVIRONMENT Your environment says a lot about your ‘soon-to-come’ sexual experience. Having sex in your own bed at home is different than having sex in someone else’s bed, or having sex outside, or on the beach, or in a hotel. Music effects your lovemaking as well, fast pace songs and slow pace songs produce a different experience. Alcohol and drugs can influence your experience, generally for the worst. Your clothes (or lack thereof ) and tools you use will also change your experience. When it comes to environment, all you need to remember is that the best environment is the one that takes place inside your own mind. If you feel comfortable or uncomfortable in a specific location you can twist your mind by focusing on the excitement and the pleasure instead of the stress and the lack 27
of comfort. For example, having sex in the back of a car can be exciting or stressful, depending on your psychology. As far as men are concerned, they can have sex with you inside an alligator pit and still climax with a smile. RELATIONSHIPS The final ingredient is relationship. Sure, you can have AMAZING sex with a stranger in Rome or release a lot of sexual pressure by sleeping with a sex-buddy you don’t ‘love.’ This is why Environments and Relationships are secondary ingredients to GREAT SEX. They’re important, but you can do without them. However, having great sex with someone you LOVE is always better than having great sex with someone you don’t. Sex by itself is not boring. The only thing that makes it boring is the psychology of the individual. Lazy people are fine with boring sex and are more likely to be cheated on by a spouse or partner who loves the thrill. The relationship itself is not the issue; in this case, the problem is psychology (back to basics). The ultimate ‘purpose’ of sex is to procreate. Human beings are capable of sex 28
because we need to create cute tiny babies that ruin our bodies and feed our souls. And when it comes to sex, you probably won’t let someone you don’t love have a stake in your family planning. In other words, having sex with someone you love gives you confidence. As a result, you embrace their seed (if it’s a man) as opposed to avoiding it because you know that even if they don’t pull out in time, or the condom rips, you’ll have them by your side and they’ll help you deal with whatever decision you need to make. If you have sex with a stranger and something unplanned happens, you know that you won’t have him to support you. It’s a subconscious thought, but one that impacts the quality of your sexual experience. In addition, we also deal with the emotional connection when you sleep with a man or woman with whom you are in-love, the emotional connection and feeling of intimacy enhance your degree of sexual pleasure, and the release is always sweeter. And then, there is the whole STD issue. Having sex without a condom feels a thousand times better, that’s just a fact. Most women would rather have sex without a condom when they sleep with someone they love. 29
Just to re-cap, the things that make sex better are (a) Psychology: the way you think and the mood youâ€™re in (b) Physiology: the way you touch, move, and stimulate your physical self, (c) Environment: your physical surroundings, music, location, etc. and (d) your Relationship with the individual.
Recipes for Spicing Things Up One of the biggest complaints from married women is the issue with having sex after marriage, especially after having kids. The dreadful routine sets in and bedroom action seems to be less exciting as time goes by. The loss of libido in both men and women after the wedding is said to be the most common problem for newlyweds. Around 50% of women see a change in their sexual desires after marriage, while only 35% of men are struggling with the same problem. It is a fact that sexual psychology plays a big part in what makes you feel and behave ‘sexy.’ The complete loss of interest in sex, much like weight gain, doesn’t occur overnight. The psychological understanding that you’ve ‘lost interest’ in someone takes time to cook inside your own mind. The interesting fact is that there are still 31