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How to grow a dashing mustache There’s really nothing to growing a ’stache as long as you have the right genes. Some gentlemen have trouble growing hair on the upper lip, or what I have heard called more precisely the “ergotrid” (the bit between your upper lip and your nose). But if you have a detectable amount of stubble there and the desire to grow a dashing ’stache comes upon you, here are some tips from the pros. The first thing to do is to stop shaving altogether and grow a full (temporary) beard. This has several advantages over trying to grow just a mustache, among which are that you will be able to monitor the character and strength of your overall facial hair growth and check color distribution. Furthermore, trying to grow a mustache on its own is more likely to result in your girlfriend leaving you in disgust, and street urchins flinging orange peels and other refuse in your direction. Human hair grows at about 6 inches a year, or roughly 0.000000011 miles an hour. Once you have a decent length, depending on how long you want the ’stache, you can carefully cut, clip, and shave off the unwanted hair, leaving your new smasher in place. A pencil mustache is going to be ready in short order, while a walrus is going to take you longer. Then it’s just a matter of maintaining the styling and keeping it trim. Being the proud owner of a “soup strainer” myself, I maintain that you don’t really grow a mustache—a mustache grows you. But unless you want to look like the vicar’s knitting after the cat got at it, good maintenance is important. When the Handlebar (Mustache) Club was criticized by the Beard Liberation Front for forbidding beards and encouraging good grooming, the most

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dashing man about town I know, Michael “Atters” Attree, said, “I’d rather be shot by a mustachioed fascist than bored to death by the BLF.” Quite! Here are a few mustache styles you might try—handlebar and otherwise—that will lend your face undeniable éclat: Q Q





Chevron: Tom Selleck wore this type in Magnum P.I. Handlebar: a broad range here, with everything from Salvador Dalí to the Wild West. Pencil: simple and stylish. Errol Flynn, Vincent Price, and Clark Gable wore this type. Toothbrush: Charlie Chaplin and Oliver Hardy had this one. Not dashing—sorry. Walrus: Friedrich Nietzsche had the most enormous one of these hummers. Difficult to carry off. Requires intensive grooming to prevent you from looking like an old tramp. Avoid soup. Zapata: the ends extend downward toward the chin. Not for the maintenance-averse.

Good luck.

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Best ever book titles A book doesn’t have to have a good title to be a big seller—take the Bible—but an eye-catching title does help. Here are a few actual book titles that have an arresting quality to them. Sprinkle into conversation to impress and entertain. Knitting with Dog Hair

The Day Amanda Came

Proceedings of the Second International Workshop on Nude Mice

A Basic Guide to the Occult for Law Enforcement Agencies

Play with Your Own Marbles

The History of Lesbian Hair

Crocheting Adventures with Hyperbolic Planes

Proceedings of the Eighteenth International Seaweed Symposium

Moles and Their Meaning

Erections on Allotments

Collectible Spoons of the Third Reich

The Politics of Breast Feeding

Invisible Dick


Reusing Old Graves

How Nell Scored

The Attractive Child

Recollections of a Society Clairvoyant

The Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories Cheese Problems Solved Teabag Folding Tattooed Mountain Women and Spoon Boxes of Daghestan

What Kind of Bean Is This

Willie’s Ordeal Authentic Dreams of Peter Blobbs, MD Afterthoughts of a Worm Hunter

Scouts in Bondage

Life Shortening Habits and Rejuvenation

Lightweight Sandwich Construction

Natural Bust Enlargement with Total Mind Power

How to Live with a Bitch

Shag the Pony (for children)

Why Jesus Was a Man and Not a Woman

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Really bad pick-up lines Have you noticed how some guys effortlessly chat up women, and they seem to have a magnetic attraction to them no matter what he does or says? We can leave them to it; this entry is a guide to how not to do it, for those other fellows who couldn’t attract a woman if they were the last man on earth. Of course, it doesn’t help to have greasy hair, an anorak, and a copy of The Big Book of Bedtime Sudoku, but neither will any of the following opening lines get you anywhere. They are a hopeless mixture of the offensive, the gushing, the sad, and the much-too-blunt. See what you think. I’m sure you couldn’t do worse. Q Q Q Q Q



Right. You’ll do. You don’t sweat much for a fat chick. Would you like to see a trick I learned in prison? What the hell are you looking at? Your eyes are like a golden gateway into a world of which I wish to be a part. Wow! Are those real? You’re ugly, but so intriguing. If beauty were an animal, you’d be an elephant. Would you like to see my train timetables? Why are your arms so hairy? My first two girlfriends died from eating poison mushrooms; my last girlfriend died of a head injury. (She wouldn’t eat her mushrooms.) Are you in heat? How was paradise when you left it, angel? Wow, your eyebrows are thick.

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Sorry about my breath, my gums are crawling with disease. May I buy you a drink? Or d’you just want the money? Hey, gorgeous, can you suck a golf ball through a garden hose? Mind if I take my trousers off? I’ll bet you ten bucks you’re going to reject me. Can I kiss your face? Nice jewelry. It would look good on my bedside table. Do you like being hit? I love older women. What color is your toothbrush? I sometimes crap my pants. You look exactly like my mom. So then, do you like fat guys with no money? Come on—we’re leaving. What short legs you’ve got! Hey, I like zitty women. Buy me a pint, will you, sweetheart? My stools are soft. What are yours like? I’m gay. Like to try curing me? You remind me of a prostitute I used to use. Would you like to come home and tie me up? Hello, can I have some sex, in exchange for sex? Women adore me. I’m impotent. I’ll bet you five bucks my willy can’t fit in your mouth. What’s a slapper like you doing in a posh place like this? Have you ever played nude leapfrog? You smell wet. Let’s party.

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The mysteries of Dad Rock What is the worst punishment a father can inflict on his son? That’s right—to go to his school and do a dance in the classroom in front of all his friends. And what would be Dad’s music of preference? Why, “Dad Rock,” of course. There are arguments about exactly what counts as Dad Rock, with everyone from Tom Jones to Oasis on the list. If you are yourself a baby boomer, say between the ages of forty and fifty, wearing a cardigan and stuck in the past, then turn up your gramophone player—or cassette player, if you have one of those newfangled things—plug in your hearing aid, and spray some Brut on your comb-over because it’s time to boogie on down to the ultimate 2-CD Dad Rock track listing below. (Note: A CD is a modern device for playing music, which is unlikely ever to be superceded.) If your favorite track isn’t here, I’m sorry, but you cannot please all of the people all of the time, as Abraham Lincoln didn’t say. Pass the Werther’s Originals and let’s shake a wicked hip.

CD 1

CD 2

1. “Born in the USA”: Bruce Springsteen

1. “I Am the Resurrection”: Stone Roses

2. “Sailing”: Rod Stewart

2. “Rebel Yell”: Billy Idol

3. “It’s Not Unusual”: Tom Jones

3. “Smoke on the Water”: Deep Purple

4. “Addicted to Love”: Robert Palmer

4. “Reward”: Teardrop Explodes

5. “Down Down”: Status Quo

5. “Maneater”: Hall & Oates

6. “We Will Rock You”: Queen

6. “Silver Machine”: Hawkwind

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CD 1

CD 2

7. “Bat Out of Hell”: Meat Loaf

7. “Steppin’ Out”: Joe Jackson

8. “Cold as Ice”: Foreigner

8. “Bitter Sweet Symphony”: Verve

9. “The Eton Rifles”: Jam

9. “Jungle Boogie”: Kool & the Gang

10. “All Right Now”: Free 11. “Hit Me with Your Rhythm Stick”: Ian Dury and the Blockheads

10. “Parklife”: Blur

12. “The Joker”: Steve Miller Band

12. “Saturday Night’s Alright For Fighting”: Elton John

13. “The Boys Are Back in Town”: Thin Lizzy

13. “Lola”: The Kinks

11. “Message in a Bottle”: Police

14. “Layla”: Derek and the Dominos

14. “Eye of the Tiger”: Survivor 15. “Here I Go Again”: Whitesnake

15. “Ace of Spades”: Motörhead 16. “Can’t Get Enough”: Bad Company

16. “Live Forever”: Oasis 17. “Free Bird”: Lynyrd Skynyrd

17. “Run to the Hills”: Iron Maiden

18. “House of the Rising Sun”: Animals

18. “Purple Haze”: Jimi Hendrix

19. “Gimme All Your Lovin’ ”: ZZ Top

19. “I Love Rock ’n’ Roll”: Joan Jett

20. “Highway Star”: Deep Purple

20. “Iron Man”: Black Sabbath

21. “Wild Thing”: The Troggs

21. “Hotel California”: Eagles

22. “The Road to Hell”: Chris Rea

22. “Another Brick in the Wall”: Pink Floyd

23. “Come On Eileen”: Dexys Midnight Runners

23. “Stairway to Heaven”: Led Zeppelin

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Twenty-five rules for improving your English For beginners at the novelist’s trade and freshman wordsmiths of every stripe, here are my twenty-five rules for improving your English and avoiding a few of the most common beginner’s mistakes: 1. Use words correctly, irregardless of the way others use them. 2. Be careful not to carelessly split infinitives. 3. Avoid clichés like the plague. 4. Use the apostrophe in it’s proper place and not when its not needed. 5. Only allow a low level of alliteration. 6. Be more or less specific. 7. And don’t start sentences with conjunctions. 8. Check for inadvertant spelling errors. 9. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary (usually). 10. Verbing nouns weirds language. 11. No sentence fragments. 12. Contractions aren’t necessary so don’t use them. 13. Never generalize about anything. 14. Prepositions are not the best words to end sentences with. 15. Verbs has to agree with their subjects. 16. Never use no double negatives. 17. Ampersands & abbreviations etc. are N.G. 18. Puns are for children, not groan readers. 19. Don’t use a sesquipedalian word if a short one will do.

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20. 21. 22. 23. 24.

Check you’re work for embarrassing homophones. Avoid exclamation marks. No underlining! Capitals should NOT be used for emphasis. Your work will be more powerful if written in the active voice. 25. Eliminate all, unnecessary, commas. 26. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

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The Gentleman's Bedside Companion, by Tom Cutler  

Have you ever found that once you are between the sheets, Madame Bovary is too heavy, magazines are too slippery, and Crime and Punishment i...