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Wednesday March 28, 2012 Volume 4, Number 13 Your source for Parkland College news, sports, features and opinions.


Top Stories

Prospectus News Apocalypse upon us;


Dr. Ramage first to fall victim

Parkland Board approves condo development. Also, procrastination is a problem.


News - Page 2

Prospectus News acquires mad props.


Opinions - Page 4

Internet stolen from home of creator, Al Gore.


Lifestyle - Page 3

Cobras football coming to Parkland.


Full Story - Page 7

Parkland creates dubstep band, bans genre in same week. Full Story - Page 8

- Newsroom (217) 351-2216


- Publications Mgr Sean Hermann (217) 351-2216

- Advisor John Eby (217) 353-2627

Parkland College President Thomas Ramage seeks “Braaaaiiiiiiinnnnnssss...” Shane Rogers Assistant Editor Parkland College stands at ground zero of the zombie apocalypse. The student body is in shock as the college’s president, Dr. Thomas Ramage, was the first to fall victim to this terrifying curse Monday. “All efforts are being made to ensure student safety and reduce the disruption to the functioning of day to day college operations,” said Parkland Police Chief Von D. Young, Jr. “All actions taken by this department have been made with safety as the ultimate priority.” To date there is no official report of the number of faculty, staff and students who have been lost during this crisis, but tentative estimates have them numbered in the hundreds. Information about the event was initially suppressed, as it was deemed necessary to prevent mass hysteria. The inability of members of Parkland’s Department of Public Safety to completely

eliminate the threat, however, has forced the release of details regarding this event. Young describes putting down Zombie-Ramage as the most difficult test of his career. Young also stated that he is awaiting the deployment of reinforcements from Illinois National Guard barracks at Camp Lincoln in nearby Springfield. In the meantime, he urges students to use the buddy system and to travel the halls in pairs. Stories of how it all began are scattered and varied. What they all have in common, however, is that Dr. Ramage was visiting Organic Chemistry Lab II class in M-223 when something went wrong. Details are still a bit sketchy, but Professor Richard E Grant was willing to say this, “I don’t like to speak ill of the undead, but I had told Dr. Ramage repeatedly that safety procedures applied to everyone. He still refused to wear a lab coat or goggles.” It is as yet unknown what exactly went wrong, but it

suffices to say that Professor Grant’s syllabus did not call for a zombie-creating gas explosion during that period. Through luck and quick thinking, Grant was able to save several members of the class before the rest of those present were reduced to shuffling cravers of human flesh. Grant initially made attempts to save Ramage as well, but was forced to leave him when the undead president continued to moan his desire to consume human cerebral contents, muttering only the word “Brains” repeatedly in response to Grant’s offers of assistance. Faculty and students alike are desperately trying to maintain some semblance of normalcy as all around them, more and more fall prey. Students can be seen skirting the dead bodies of the fallen in the hallways as they try to finish out their courses for the semester. When asked why so many students would risk their life and safety just to finish

Morgan Bernier Contributing Writer

corpses. Students unable to bring their own weapon will be provided one, but supplies are limited. The decision to suspend the baseball and softball teams was not an easy one to make. “I had to weigh the effects a missed season would have on the future careers of my players against their possible death,” said Parkland Athletic Director Rod Lovett. “I think the players understand.” During this time of crisis, students are permitted to carry blunt objects with them while on campus, but are encouraged to refrain from using them against other students unless they are pretty sure they are undead flesh eaters. Until the threat can be completely eliminated, students are encouraged to complete as much of their course work online as possible, and faculty members have been asked to be more lenient in their administration of attendance policies.

A day associated with backyard grilling, playing catch and watching sports, Father’s Day is a day for dads to have their way. First celebrated in West Virginia in 1908, this holiday has been a symbol of summer and a tribute to parenting for over a decade. As we approach the time of year when we are closer to Father’s Day than we were a week ago, stores and students alike begin preparing to celebrate the men who have impacted their lives.

“Isn’t Father’s Day sometime in May? Or is that Mother’s Day?” asked Parkland student Leonard Learner. Other students had a similar reaction when asked what they had planned for the holiday. “Is that happening soon? I thought it was in like September,” business major Lindsay Lockman said. One student, Lauren Lubbers, said that she already has a gift. “It’s a new golf club that he wanted. I got it for his birthday, which I thought was in February, but it turns out isn’t until See DADS on P. 5

Linda Tichenor (217) 351-2206


their classes, sophomore Bob Loblaw had this to say, “Look, I’ve worked really hard all semester, and I’m getting good grades so far. I’m not going to let some stupid zombies mess that up. I just hope my professors don’t get bit.” Getting bit is a concern for everyone on campus. With that in mind, all Kinesiology sections and sports teams have been suspended to free up resources so that the college can offer a free zombie survival course. Those students still willing and able to make it to the Parkland campus are invited to take this course free of charge. The class is called Zombie Defense 101 and will focus on such things as cardio fitness, alertness and the use of random objects as weapons. Students will not receive any credit for this course, but surviving the semester can be considered a passing grade. Students who attend the class are asked to bring a golf club, baseball bat, hockey stick or other blunt instrument to practice on fully-dead zombie

Happy Father’s Day!

- Advertising -

News - 2 Lifestyle - 3 Opinions - 4 Puzzles/Comics - 6 Sports - 7 Entertainment - 8

Photo by Briana Kay Stodden/Prospectus News

In 2005, the U.S. spent more on military expenses than all of the following countries combined: Britain, France, Japan, China, Germany, Italy, Saudi Arabia, Russia and India. (Find answer on page 2)

Graphic by MCT


Page 2 - Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Prospectus News

Board votes to approve condominium development

This view overlooking Parkland College from Bradley Ave. will soon be obstructed once construction begins on the new condominium complex in July. Burke Stanion Contributing Writer The Parkland College Board of Trustees made the decision to sell the Bradley Avenue frontage property last Tuesday. Buffs Real Estate Development Company, based in Boulder, Colo. now has a contract to purchase the nearly 40 acres of land for $3.4 million. Condominiums will be built to offer additional housing for the rapidly growing student population. Buffs owner, Tim Lancaster said, “We’ve had success with similar projects in other

college towns, including Boulder, Colo., Lawrence, Kan., and Lincoln, Neb.” Parkland President Tom Ramage stated after the meeting, “The deal will allow us to expand our program offerings and will assist in funding the new football stadium.” It was standing room only at 7:30 p.m. in the D-244 conference room Tuesday, March 13. Members of the large audience were invited to express their opinions on the subject before the Board of Trustees made their final decision. Many people support the

proposed deal, but there is still criticism. Robert Conway of Champaign said that Parkland College has been instrumental in keeping agriculture alive in Illinois and has concerns about the future of the Agriculture program. Students in the Agriculture program have annually used the land to raise crops. In order to continue this program, the board has decided to allocate some of the proceeds from the sale to purchase 100 acres of land west of Staley Road for the Agriculture students’ purposes. Still, others disapproved of the destruction of the red barn

buildings and the S Wing as well as the hundreds of trees that blanket the area. The red barn and corncrib, until now, have remained as part of the original purchase agreement in 1967. Barbara Wolf, of Mahomet, said, “Breaking the commitment to keep the barn and corncrib intact is unethical and unforgiveable.” A resolution was therefore proposed to honor the original 1967 agreement to keep the red bard and corncrib, which satisfied the concerns of some members of the audience. The trees will also be saved. Tim Lancaster agreed to

Photo by Burke Stanion/Prospectus News

build on the area from corner of Bradley Avenue and Duncan Road reaching north to the Parkland entrance on Duncan Road. This change from the originally proposed Bradley Avenue frontage area was necessary to save the trees. Rebecca Winslow of Saint Joseph said, “I’m so happy that the trees are safe. Many of the trees are already quite mature and I have been looking forward to the day when they produce lots of shade.” Next fall, students will see condominium construction in progress along sided familiar sights such as the old red barn, corncrib and the trees. In the

end, everyone walked away happy. Discussion is now underway to determine a location for the new football stadium. President Ramage said, “It will be great to finally have a place for the soccer teams to call home, and we’re anxious to see our new football team in action.” Architect James Hillboro has been selected by the Parkland Board of Trustees to present design concepts for the stadium later this year.

What do you think of Parkland’s referendum to ban Dubstep?

Photos by Chanelle Stokes/Prospectus News Earlier this week, Parkland College’s Fine and Applied Arts Department unveiled the newly formed music group, The In Your Wub Dubstep Band, who secretly collaborated with Grammy Award winning rapper and producer T-Pain to write and record an official anthem for the college. However, upon hearing the end result, college officials flew into an outrage, banning dubstep from the campus. Full story – Page 8

Hipster Kitty Age: 4 “I liked dub step before it was banned.”

King Kitty Age: 5 “Meow... meow... meow?”


Miss Kitty Age: 4

Mr. Professor Age: 9 “While sitting in my study I was pondering the idea and decided it was incompetent. The students love the beats.”


Pirate Kitty Age: ?

Procrastination becoming common problem in colleges Writer name Position title Procrastination is becoming more and more of an issue amongst college students. A recent study conducted by the Institute for The Progression of Work Habits discovered that 94 percent of college-level students suffer from extreme procrastination, compared to

62 percent in 2006. The rising problem of procrastination poses serious problems. For example, procrastination can lead to incomplete and sloppy work. The true danger in procrasti

See PROC... on P. 5

Fact or Fiction? TRUE - In 2005 the U.S. spent 47% of all the world’s expenses on the military.


Prospectus News

Wednesday, March 28, 2012 - Page 3

Students to cook own food after food service departure Spencer Brown Staff Writer News broke earlier this week when the Parkland administration announced that they have completely done away with the food service program. The news came as a shock to all parties involved. Sources say, however, that there is a plan in place that will be sure to please everyone. Reports of the story began at 9:37 p.m. Friday when the guy who sits outside the public safety office got the story from some other guy. This other guy, in spite of recently predicting the end of the world and Brett Favre’s retirement, is usually a very reliable source. He assured us that “the food services’ days are numbered.” Parkland’s food service program will be sorely missed in the college as well as in the community. Voted America’s No.1 place to eat on a Parkland campus, none can deny the memories and joy they brought to everyone they touched. Daisy, who frequently sits at the third table away from the Coke vending machine, shared one of these experiences. “I remember one time, I had grabbed a burger and it said it was a cheeseburger. But, after I bought it and I paid for it, it was a hamburger. They were generous enough to put my slice of cheese on there, plus another one,” she said with a tear in her eye. “Those were the good old days.” She tried to continue but the tears started to flow

Jim Gehrz/Minneapolis Star Tribune/MCT

Mette Nielsen joins others in a “crop mob.” She helps plant tomatoes on the Cornercopia Farm, a student-operated organic farm on Parkland’s campus on March 17, 2012. With Chartwells gone from campus, students must resort to growing their own food. uncontrollably. Parkland’s food service had a real emotional effect on her. One person who does not share these sentiments is Parkland’s oldest student. Betsy Dangimold, 97, believes the students have been spoiled these past few decades. “I remember back in my day we had to earn our food,” Dangimold said. “We believed in Darwinism. And we didn’t have a cafeteria or kitchens.

We ate in the ruins of the Roman Empire.” After background research uncovered the fact that Dangimold was born and raised in El Paso, Texas, she refused further comment. A lot of heartfelt emotion has been displayed throughout the school over this decision. A mural is currently being constructed in memory of the food service program. It is said to be 50 feet high and

feature the outrageously high menu prices. Sources say the 50 foot letters will enable passersby to compare the food prices to nearby gas prices. They can then decide between a delicious Parkland hamburger or a half tank of gas. The question now being asked is “What’s next?” The administration has proposed a revolutionary idea. One of the members spoke but

chose to remain anonymous. “Students are all about being independent and doit-yourself. So, why not let them cook the food themselves?” This landmark idea is sure to receive mixed reactions. The administration has, in effect, turned the grills over to the students. Students will be able to cook in a real kitchen, many for the first time. It should be an interesting experience.

Students will only be provided with vegetable oil, butter, Pam spray, and hairnets. All food, spices, and cooking utensils must be brought from home. Multiple offices have been cleared in the L wing to make room for cooking advisors. Graduates of culinary arts programs all across America are hoping for a chance to be a part of this project. There is an incentive for the students, who have been given permission to sell the food at prices they set. There is a tax involved, however, and a certain percentage must be paid to Parkland. This money will go toward projects like widening the lanes in the parking lot, overall betterment of the school and urinal cakes, not necessarily in that order. Parkland’s agricultural resources will be used as well. Open areas around campus will be set aside for students to grow crops. It will be monitored, of course, to make sure no illegal plants sprout. In coming semesters, this system will be diversified to include other means of food production. For example, students will be allowed to raise cattle, pigs, and ostriches. Classes will be offered to educate those who may have forgotten or simply want to learn the art of livestock farming. This is one of many courses added to the curriculum, as a result of this new program.

Internet stolen from the home of its creator, Al Gore Buster Bytes Tech Columnist

Sometime during the late afternoon on Monday, March 28, 2012, the internet was stolen from its keeping place in the home of ex-vice president Al Gore, Jr. Understandably, Gore was in shock. It is the first time the global information resource has been out of his possession since he invented it in the late ‘80s. “I feel the same as I would if someone had stolen my daughter, Karenna,” Gore explained. “Or even Kristin. I guess I would sort of feel like this if someone took Sarah too, although her high pitched voice gets on my nerves sometimes.” “I gave birth to the internet, and someone has stolen my baby. Whoever did this, won’t you please bring my baby back?” the Nobel Prize winner pleaded. When he recovered from his fit of crying, the ex-vice president attempted to explain the circumstances surrounding the theft. “I had the internet out because I had just been blogging on my website, where, by the way, you can purchase my latest book ‘Our Choice: A Plan to Solve the Climate Crisis.’ Or, I mean, you could if someone hadn’t…” Gore struggled to say. After another short fit of tears, Gore explained, “But

outbreak, the effects can be felt. Lounge areas are overrun with students carrying guitars, ukuleles and other musical instruments. These young people frantically entreat all who come near

then the phone rang. Someone claiming to work for my friend, Dr. John Barnes was on the line and said there’d been a tragic oil spill off the coast of Hawaii and that hundreds of dolphins had been beached, covered in oil.” “I didn’t even consider that it might be a lie,” he

continued. “The only thought in my mind was how to help those beautiful, majestic fishies. I dropped what I was doing and booked the most fuel efficient flight I could find to Hawaii. When I returned, the internet was gone.” Gore is not the only one who has been affected by this heinous act. Internet users all around the world are struggling to cope with the sudden vacancy in their lives. At nearby Carle Hospital, R.N. Clara Barton has reported nearly epidemic levels of sunburn patients. “This is what happens,” she explained, “when hundreds of young teenage boys are being forced outdoors for the first

Photo by Briana Kay Stodden/Prospectus News

Theatre major Cassidy Young is desperate for approval after loss of Facebook. time in years. If that interweb thingy isn’t found by summer, I shudder to even think about what it will do to our supply of calomine lotion.” Young teenage boys are not the only ones suffering the consequences of being forced outdoors. Tempers have been flaring up as former eBayers are resorting to cutthroat tactics in competition with one another to sell their used possession from front lawns and garages. Police report that garage sale related violence has tripled in the last two days and Champaign County

Clerk Gordy Hulten told this reporter that applications for mid-week yard sale permits are at an all time high. “We’ve even doubled the application fee,” Hulten explained. “We thought it would discourage some of them, but it hasn’t. These folks are desperate to sell their used elliptical machines, croquet sets and clown figurines, and they don’t care what they have to pay.” Parkland College campus has not escaped its own consequences. Even in the midst of the chaos and turmoil surrounding the recent zombie

to listen to them play cover songs. “Don’t you want to hear me play ‘Single Ladies’ on the accordion?” entreated one young woman. She would not divulge her name but said to call her BellaCord93 and stated, “Constructive comments are always welcome, but no trolling!” At which point the disjointed sounds of songs being played were drowned out by passersby shouting out “First!” and “Thumbs up if you got here from Stumble Upon!” for reasons unknown.

The lack of internet service even seems to be affecting students’ grammar. English Professor James Joyce pointed out the slip in proper sentence structure, but did not seem upset by it. “We’ve grown accustomed to students who explain that they will be arbee, and certainly even you have heard of lowling, but what exactly does effteedoubleyou mean, anyway?” he asked.

Perhaps most heart-wrenching of those affected are the young ladies who wonder the streets lost and dazed. They carry pictures of dresses, kittens and their new hair styles and accost strangers. “Do you like this?” they ask. “Doesn’t anybody like this?” Agents for the Federal Bureau of Investigation admit to having no leads, as their initial suspicions proved to be unfounded. Having suspected members of the hacktivist group known only as Anonymous, FBI agents served a warrant on the premises of suspected members all across the country. All 35 of the 15 year old boys investigated were found in their parents’ basements, staring at their blank computer monitors, drooling and muttering what sounded like “Herp derp?” Authorities urge citizens of the community to use their home telephones to communicate with friends and family. They have stated that they will get everyone’s smart phones working just as soon as possible. They also explained that cable television still works and that everyone should just stay indoors until the internet is found.


Page 4 - Wednesday, March 28, 2012

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Originally created as the Parkland College Prospectus in 1969 in Champaign, IL, Prospectus News is a student produced news source in print, Web, and design media formats. Prospectus News is published weekly during the semester and monthly during the summer.

Editorial Policy and Letter to the Editor

- All content is subject to review by the editorial staff. - All submissions must follow the Parkland College code of conduct. All violations of said code will be turned over to Parkland College Administration and Public Safety. - All content, once published, becomes property of Prospectus News. - All submitted content must be original work. - All submissions must also include up to date contact information. - View expressed are not necessarily that of Prospectus News or Parkland College. - E-mail prospectus@parkland. edu, subject “Letter to the Editor.”


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Prospectus News Staff: Special Thanks to: Makeup Artist Brittany Norman Publications Manager: Sean Hermann Advisor: John Eby Staff Writers: Spencer Brown, Buster Bytes, Mark Roughton Production Supervisor: Briana Stodden Photographers: Nick Washington, Chanelle Stokes Graphic Designer: Burke Stanion Assistant Editor: Shane Rogers Ad Manager: Linda Tichenor

Did you know? All unused issues of Prospectus News are donated to the Parkland College Veterinary Technology program or the Champaign County Humane Society.

Prospectus News

Prospectus News voted best in world Morgan Bernier and Dean Swift Contributing Writers In a recent poll taken by everyone in the world ever, Prospectus News was voted the best publication that has ever existed. This unprecedented result has caused a great deal of uproar among some of the most respected journalists and some of the less respected average people. When asked to comment on the subject, Barbara Walters said, “No one deserves it more! Prospectus News has the best online content, and the most original stories.” Other famous people are joining Babs on the Prospectus News bandwagon. “It’s the only thing I read. The images always go well with the stories and the layout is the best I’ve ever seen,” said Abraham Lincoln. White House Chief of Staff Jacob Lebew told this reporter, “Every morning, as a major part of the briefing process, President Obama reads newspapers from all around the world. He insists on reading Prospectus News first.” As you can see, Prospectus News is obviously the best thing since sliced bread. Prospectus News is awesome. Prospectus is quite great, as a matter of fact. In truth, sliced bread wishes it was quite as all around jaw-droppingly amazing as Prospectus News. Prospectus News is Awesome. As you can see, Prospectus News is obviously the best thing since sliced bread. Prospectus News is awesome. Prospectus is quite great, as a matter of fact. In truth, sliced bread wishes it was quite as all around jaw-droppingly amazing as Prospectus News. Prospectus News is Awesome. As you can see, Prospectus News is obviously the best thing since sliced bread. Prospectus News is awesome. Prospectus is quite great, as a matter of fact. Stuff that is great wishes it could be more like Prospectus News. In truth, sliced bread wishes it was quite as all around jaw-droppingly amazing as Prospectus News. Prospectus News is Awesome. Just don’t ever call it “The Prospectus!” As you can see, Prospectus News is obviously the best thing since sliced bread. Prospectus News is awesome. Prospectus is quite great, as a matter of fact. In truth, sliced

Illustration by Michael Hogue/MCT

Artist rendition of Prospectus News Editor, Sean Hermann, holding the trophy presented to the community college news team. bread wishes it was quite as all around jaw-droppingly amazing as Prospectus News. Prospectus News is Awesome. In truth, sliced bread wishes it was quite as all around jaw-droppingly amazing as Prospectus News. Prospectus News is Awesome. Just don’t ever call it “The Prospectus!” In truth, sliced bread wishes it was quite as all around jaw-droppingly amazing as

Prospectus News. Prospectus News is Awesome. Just don’t ever call it “The Prospectus!” Ham sandwiches are quite good. Prospectus News is better. Some have said that Prospectus News could take Chuck Norris in a fight while blindfolded and nursing a small child. This would clearly make it quite good, indeed. Most newspapers are incapable of that sort of activity. We’re not

Letter to the editor To Who It May Consern: Teh Prospecktus is the werst noospaper I evur red. Nobuddy ever even cares abowt so mutch stuff about Parkland Collige. U people is always only telling stories about Parkland Collige and everybuddy nows that Universitty of Illinois is way more importanter. No buddy ever cared about these things, you should right about importanter stuff like nascar or when is hunting season coming? And who cares about Cobras sports? No buddy. It’s only Illni that matter in these town, so get it straight, buddy. I red ur paper last week and u sed that Professor Obama was talking about community colliges and acting like they was all important. Not even true. I know him and he told me in private that only Universitys is important. And your comics is stinky also, too. I red one called xkcd, and it weren’t even make sense. No buddy wants to reed a comic strip about something for math. You shouldn’t have to go to collge just to unnerstand a comic for crying pete’s sake out loud! Teh only good think I could say about your terribul newspaper is

that it is free. I would certainly never pay for it, boy howdy. You would have to pay me money to get me to reed it it is so bad. Like this story I red the tother week ago. Something about stopping people frum buying soap?? You numskulls couldn’t even spell teh word soap write! Your oviusly ideeots. Spelt it SOPA in all capitial letters so I noticed write away. Do u no how many stinky people would there be in this town if they stopped useing sope? To many, thats how. That’s why u can no that I for sure wont never reed this horribul noospaper again. You think more smarter people like collig stoodints wud be more knowing abowt wut people want to reed abowt. U should right more storees abowt famouser things, cus nobody ever herd of President Ramblandge. I never even heard he was running for president against Matt Rommey! Shows how unfamouser is teh people in ur stores. Yors, Guy Jones

certain even where its eyes are for the blindfold, which makes it even more impressive. Prospectus News declared better than pizza by a landslide. Philosophy major Marcy Grzlack stated, “The thing I like so much about Prospectus News is that I can read it all I want and I never gain weight! Not like pizza.” Prospectus News is also quite light. It’s easier to carry

than even an iPad, which has representatives at Apple in an uproar. CEO Tim Cook said, “Most people seem to think that we’re only competing with Microsoft and Android, but the bar has really been set by Prospectus News. I don’t see how we can compete with something so clearly awesome.” See PROPS on P. 42

Prospectus News

Wednesday, March 28, 2012 - Page 5

PROC... continued from page 2

Insert picture here.

Photography by [photographer’s name]/Prospectus News



DADS continued from page 1

June. Father’s Day is before June, right? Otherwise I don’t really have a present for Father’s Day; I just still have a birthday present.” On the other hand, businesses are preparing for the holiday in their own way. Larry Leechman, a manager at the Champaign MegaUltraSuperMart, said that he is already preparing for the iconic holiday. “The displays are already assembled and we plan to begin our advertising campaign within the next month. We know

that sometimes people have a hard time remembering when exactly Father’s Day is, so this is our way of helping them remember.” While stores are busy reminding their customers about holidays, the customers are busy reminiscing about Father’s Days passed. Holidays often hold some of the strongest memories, and when Parkland students were asked about their favorite Father’s Day memories, they had a lot to say. “One year, when I was probably 7 or 8 years old, we went to the beach and had a cookout,” said Lockman. “I think it was pretty warm so

maybe Father’s Day isn’t in September. It must be August or July.” Learner recalled a Father’s Day when he and his dad played golf together. “It was such an awesome feeling, to be about 10 years old and go to the golf course with my dad, to be treated like an adult. I think that was on Father’s Day. Maybe it was Memorial Day, or Veteran’s Day? Anyway, we played golf and it was cool.” Even Larry Leechman had a Father’s Day memory to share. “My mom and I always used to go to the store every Sunday for groceries. She and I would always get his Father’s Day present the week we saw the

Father’s Day advertisement in the store. So, what I associate most with Father’s Day is the advertisement because without it I wouldn’t know when Father’s Day is. I bet that you could trick people into thinking that Father’s Day was months before the actual date, with the right advertising.” Father’s Day is a day for golf, for going to the beach, for cookouts and for spending time with an important role model in your life. However you decide to celebrate, just make sure you do it on the right day.



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Prospectus News

Wednesday, March 28, 2012 - Page 7

Zook to coach new Parkland football program

Photo by Nick Washington/Prospectus News

Joey Hackler, aka “The Hackler Reactor,” is the number one prospect first-string quarterback position on Parkland Cobras new football team as of March 24, 2012. Mark Roughton Sports Writer This coming fall, Parkland’s first-ever football team will begin play as one of only two junior college teams in the state of Illinois. Junior college football had, until recently, fallen out of favor throughout the Midwest and the rest of the country as a result of the costs associated with the program. Adding a football program requires the use of a larger portion of a school’s budget due to the need for more scholarships and the expenses associated with salaries for a

larger coaching staff. These expenses have caused many small colleges to cut their football programs. This was one of the main reasons why Parkland has decided that football will now be one of its thirteen sports. “We felt that football was disappearing from junior colleges in this part of the country,” newly appointed Director of Football Operations Jerome Bettis said. “Parkland is a great place to get it going again.” The former Pittsburgh Steeler has been eager to take charge of a football program ever since his days in

Pittsburgh. “I’ve always wanted to be more than just a player,” he said. “Now I have that opportunity here at Parkland.” However, starting a brand new football program is no easy task. The athletic department now has to hire coaches, trainers, and other staff before they can even consider going after the players to field the team. “There certainly will be a strain on everyone the first year,” Assistant Coach Juice Williams said. Williams, the former U of I quarterback, was the first assistant coach to accept a job with the Cobras. The real buzz being generated, however, is over the appointment of the first head coach for the team. Former Illinois head coach Ron Zook was interviewed last week by Bettis and has been named head coach. “I’m very excited to be the first head coach here at Parkland,” Zook said. Other assistants to Zook will be named shortly after his arrival in Champaign. The first order of business for Zook and the Cobras will be to put together a roster for the


upcoming season. Parkland will hold open tryouts to attempt to fill the roster. “This is our best option to have a full roster by the

fall,” Bettis said. “It’s a great opportunity for any student to prove himself and represent Parkland.” The open tryouts are for any current or incoming Parkland

male students. No former football playing experience is needed and all students

are encouraged to try out regardless of their skill level. From the group trying out, 70 players will be chosen to represent the team. All players chosen will receive an athletic scholarship covering books

and tuition. Current Parkland student, John Smith, is excited about the possibility of playing college football, though he has never played in his life. “I don’t know that much about football, but I’m excited to try out with Ron Zook as coach,” he said. “I’m excited to meet him.” The Cobras 2012 schedule will feature mostly out of state games because there aren’t any other football teams in region 24, and just one other in the state, at College of DuPage. Six home games will be played this first year in the new football complex to be built at an off campus location. Football, under Bettis’ leadership, looks to add strength and stability to an already solid athletic department. “I look forward to building a strong football tradition here at Parkland with Ron as head coach,” Bettis said. “The football program will strive to be just as strong as the rest of the Cobra athletic programs.”

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Page 8 - Wednesday, March 28, 2012 Prospectus News


Parkland creates dubstep band, bans genre same week Josh Grube Contributing Writer Earlier this week, Parkland College’s own Fine and Applied Arts Department unveiled their newly formed music group, The In Your Wub Dubstep Band. Dubstep is a genre of electronic dance music from the United Kingdom that has been steadily gaining popularity in America. Notable artists include Skrillex and Bassnectar. Four Parkland students founded the In Your Wub Dubstep Band at the beginning of the semester, all of which are majoring in music performance. None of the four musicians would reveal their real names, as they prefer to be credited under the aliases Wompman, Bassjump3r, DJ Ear Shatter and Nicolas Rage. “There is an enormous dubstep scene currently going on in the local community, so we thought that forming an official dubstep band would be another great way to connect Parkland to the community,” said Bassjump3r, who plays a loop-based software music sequencer called Ableton Live. “We thought that everyone in Champaign could get down with our sick drops.” Shortly after releasing the initial information about the band, Parkland announced that the band had been secretly collaborating with Grammy Award winning rapper and producer T-Pain to write and record an official anthem for the college. “We started working with T-Pain the second week of the semester,” said turntable player Wompman. “After months of hard work we finally had something we were incredibly proud of.” The college had planned to play the new anthem throughout campus via Parkland’s radio station 88.7 WPCD FM at the beginning of

Photo courtesy of RCA Records

Someone named “T-Pain” helps Parkland’s new dubstep band write the Parkland anthem. The genre has since been banned from campus. every school day and during all official Parkland events. However, upon hearing the end result, a song that they entitled simply “Parkland Anthem,” college officials flew into an outrage. Parkland issued an emergency press release, banning dubstep from the campus. The specific cause of alarm is currently unknown, as no one outside of the song’s creators and a few members of Parkland’s faculty have heard it. None of these faculty

members could be reached for comment on the issue. Sample player DJ Ear Shatter laughed off the entire experience. “I guess they just can’t handle our filthy bass drops,” he commented. “Working with T-Pain was payment enough for all of the hard work. He is such a talent.” However, not all of the members of the band hold a lighthearted attitude toward the situation. When mixer player Nicolas Rage was asked for his opinion he burst into

tears, at a loss for words. Parkland’s no-tolerance ban on dubstep music forbids anyone from listening to the genre within the vicinity of the campus, whether it is being played from car speakers in the parking lot or on headphones for personal enjoyment. If a student is caught listening to dubstep on campus grounds, they will be immediately expelled without a refund. A few staff members have volunteered to monitor the campus halls to

check iPods and mp3 devices to ensure that students are not listening to the genre. Student Chad Broheim is furious about the ban. “It makes me extremely angry that Parkland would (ban dubstep),” said Broheim. “Now I can’t get down to my sick drops and wubs on the way to class! Skrillex always got me pumped up for my Humanities class. Since I can’t listen to his music beforehand, I’m getting an F.” He blames the ban on dubstep entirely for his poor

academic standing. A majority of students surveyed voiced a similar opinion regarding the dubstep ban, while most of the staff and faculty were indifferent to it. However, the few members of the staff and faculty with an opinion were adamantly against the genre. The board is meeting for re-evaluation of the ban next month. Until then, remember to drop your wubs at home.


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