Orange Peel Gazette
SEE OUR AD ON PAGE 4
Where The Jokes Are On Us! 14 YEARS ENTERTAINING POLK, HILLSBOROUGH AND THE WORLD....AND SOMETIMES BEYOND...
Chiropractic Center of Lakeland
For Your Good Health, Naturally
WE’LL TRANSFER YOUR OLD MOVIES, LJ’s P ICTURES OR S LIDES TO DVD OR VHS TAPES........................
Your Memories! 8MM OR 16MM FILm SUPER 8MM FILM VHS TAPES OR VHS-C CASSETTES MINI & REG DVD TAPES
We’ll put your old Lp Records or Audio Tapes on CD
2390 Griffin Rd, Lakeland, FL DR. STEPHEN JOHNSON
Ask about our TREATMENT SPECIALS and Visit our website: www.cclchiro.com to Learn about our INNOVATIVE TECHNOLOGY
Open 6 Days • Same Day Appointments • Se habla español Most Insurance Accepted • Affordable Cash Plans
LEBRATING E C 60 YEARS
FO S H E E J E W E L E R S WE GIVE YOU THE BEST PRICES FOR GOLD, SILVER AND COINS • JEWELRY APPRAISALS
“We’re Here When You Need Us! 5359 S. Florida Ave Lakeland, Florida
FO S H E E
J E W E LE R S OVER
L A KE L A N D , F L O R I D A
* Recognized by the Federal Bankruptcy Court as a Debt Relief Agency. Relief from debt through Title 11 of the Bankruptcy Code.
As Low As
• MISSING SPOUSE DIVORCE
DR. ALVIN GREEN DR. IDA ABRAHAM • CHILD CUSTODY,SUPPORT &PROPERTY • DIVORCE MODIFICATIONS •CONTRACTS CHIROPRACTIC PHYSICIANS
Polk County’s Most Trusted Jeweler Since 1953
SEE OUR AD ON THE BACK!
Vol. 14, Issue 2
•WE SELL AND SERVICE JEWELRY • WATCHES AND CLOCKS
Thank you for your trust for over 60 years.
C lyde Foshee
943 EAST PARKER ST., LAKELAND, FL
• ADOPTION • NAME CHANGE • WILLS • QUIT CLAIM DEED • INCORPORATION • SMALL CLAIMS • ONE SIGNATURE DIVORCE AND OTHER DOCUMENTS COURT DOCUMENTS PREPARED
OVER 15 YEARS IN BUSINESS
Member of the Better Business Bureau
Family Owned & Operated for Over 45 years “A Shop You Can Trust”
WE WORK WITH ALL INSURANCE COMPANIES NOT FOR THEM! PERFECT REPAIR WITH A LIFETIME GUARANTEE
FULL MECHANICAL SERVICES FULL DETAIL DEPARTMENT 930 Griffin Rd, Lakeland, Fl
DADS! HAVE A FABULOUS FATHERS DAY.
5941 US HWY 17-92, Haines City, FL
COMPLETE SERVICE, SALES, RENTALS, REFURBISHING
6 MONTHS STORAGE • MINI DETAIL 20 POINT CART CHECK %% +#$* !')
WE SPECIALIZE IN MAKING OLD CARTS LOOK AND RUN LIKE NEW! ONE COLOR PAINT JOB (INCLUDES CHASES ACID CLEAN) $450 UPHOLSTERED SEATS $200 • MOTOR SPEED-UP $225
10% OFF ALL LABOR & PARTS ON ALL WORK DONE WHILE IN STORAGE 6 VOLT BATTERIES $429 8 VOLT BATTERIES $500 PICK UP ONLY. TOTAL PRICE INCLUDES TAX & EPA FEES.
Obama Care Explained RY A common misconception is that Obamacare is complicated. It can actually be explained in 4 short sentences as follows: 1: In order to insure the uninsured, we first have to un-insure the insured. 2: Next, we require the newly un-insured to be re-insured. 3: To re-insure the newly un-insured, they are required to pay extra charges to be re-insured. 4: The extra charges are required so that the original insured, who became un-insured, and then became re-insured, can pay enough extra so that the original un-insured can be insured, free of charge to them
Public Servant "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."
A grandfather was taking his grandchildren home when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said another. "He's just for good luck.." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
Professional Tax Consultants, Inc.
INCOME TAX PREPARATION A Firm of Enrolled Agents
FEDERAL - ANY STATE - BUSINESS INDIVIDUAL TRUSTS PARTNERSHIP ESTATES C CORPORATION RETIREMENT S CORPORATION NON-PROFITS
“Tax Season Unlike Any Other Season....Never Ends”
Professional Tax Consultants...Always in Season
ACCOUNTING & PAYROLL SERVICE using Ouickbooks Winter Haven 314 Avenue K SE Monday - Thursday 9am to 6 pm
2054B E.Edgewood Dr by Appointment this location
OUR VETERANS DESERVE THE VERY BEST
COMPUTER TOWERS, MOTHERBOARDS & MUCH MORE.....
Please Call for Details!
1624 SR 60W, LAKE WALES, FLORIDA
A FULL SERVICE SCRAP METAL RECYCLING FACILITY
WE BUY ALL KINDS OF METAL
•Catalytic Converters • Copper • Aluminum •Aluminum Cans (UBC) • Junk Cars • Batteries •Scrap Steel • Yellow Brass • Stainless Steel •Transmissions • Engines •Sealed Units •Alternator, Starters, Compressors, Radiators
WE OFFER PICK-UP SERVICE member
Institute of Scrap Recycling Industries, Inc.
WASHINGTON, LIFE ON HYPOCRISY HILL. ®
Vinyl • Aluminum • Wood Chain Link • Gates & Entry Fencing solutions for life
GATE OPERATORS & ACCESSORIES Where Quality Matters!
3060 Dundee Rd., Winter Haven, Florida
www.superiorfenceandrail.com Your Wish Is My Command SD
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes." WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "$90,000." ; MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it." MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!" MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?" "I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation." Bob Devaney / Nebraska
WILL BENGHAZI BETTY RUN OR RUN AWAY?
FACTORY OUTLET MODEL CENTER
Finance Specialists - Land/Home, Chattel,Land-In-Lieu, FHA, VA, Private Finance
ALSO OFFERING - Park Models. Trade-Ins & Repos WE PAY CASH FOR USED HOMES ‘86 AND NEWER. Price Includes, Set-Up, A/C, Skirting and Steps.
Thanks For Those Educational E-mails Now I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel. I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose. Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years. I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet. I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers. I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. Because of your concern , I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I can’t go to the gas station because a serial killer might crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up. And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life. I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off. Thanks alot!
145 S. Hankin Rd., Bartow, FL
WE WANT TO SAVE YOU MONEY!
PAYING TOO M UCH F OR INSURANCE
Family Insurance Centers AUTO • HOME • LIFE • HEALTH MOTORCYCLE • RV • BOAT • FLOOD RENTERS • BUSINESS • UMBRELLA
863-667-2525 • 863-853-3361
“For your personalized quote - call" “We Listen To Your Needs.”
Se Habla Español
HIGHEST ENERGY EFFICIENT GLASS ON THE MARKET! Beat the heat with made in america
NOW ON SALE! W
AFFORDABLE ENERGY EFFICIENT WINDOWS LET IN THE LIGHT BUT KEEP OUT THE HEAT! The BEST Price + The BEST Contractor + A Lifetime Warranty = BEST Deal for YOU!
ENERGY SAVINGS YEAR AFTER YEAR NOW YOU CAN AFFORD A SCREEN ROOM .....NO MONEY DOWN AND ONLY
COMPLETE SATISFACTION GUARANTEED ON SCREEN ROOMS * CARPORTS * POOL ENCLOSURES * SKIRTING WOODEN DECKS * INSULATION PACKAGES * ROOF-OVERS VINYL SIDING, SOFFIT & FACIA * VINYL/ACRYLIC/GLASS WINDOWS RUGGED 2 AND 4-TRACK SCREEN SLIDERS FOR GARAGES
100% Financing AvailabLe!
RC 0049987 RR 0046367
WE WILL BEAT ANY COMPETITORS PRICE!
For A FREE Estimate Call Us Today! CONSTRUCTION & ALUMINUM Licensed • Bonded • Insured
~ In God We Trust ~ Did you see That?
During the course of being interviewed by the press, Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, the noted doctor was asked by a reporter: "Doctor, did "Did you see that?" "No," the second guy says. you ever make a serious mistake?" "Yes, was the reply, "Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy "I once cured a millionaire in three visits!" says. "Oh," says the second guy. A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?" "See Mathematically Speaking what?" the second guy asks. "Are you blind? There A high-school geometry teacher started a lesson on triangles by reading a theorem. "If an angle is an exteri- was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there." or angle of a triangle, then its measure is greater than the "Oh." A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?" By now, the second guy is getting aggravatmeasure of either of its corresponding remote interior angles." He noticed that one student wasn't taking notes ed, so he says, "Yes, I did!" And the first guy says: and asked him why. "Well," the student replied sincere- "Then why did you step in it?" ly, "I was waiting for you to start speaking English." If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage
THE ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE - ADVERTISERS HEAVEN 7
I can’t say I’m entirely pleased with my hip replacement.
24/7 Emergency Services Licensed Contractor
Florida Certified Building Contractor CBC1259376 FL Mold Remediator MRSR311
Children can be extremely descriptive. Recently we had a visit from our great granddaughter. As we sat at the dining room table she looked t me and said, “GG, your face is crumbly”. Maybe a little too descriptive. LL
• • • • • •
SERVICES Water Damage • Contents Restoration Fire Damage • Vandalism Cleanup Storm Damage • Carpet Cleaning Smoke Damage • Trauma Cleanup Odor Damage • Crime Cleanup Mold Remediation • ...and more
3512 WATERFIELD PARKWAY • LAKELAND, FL
OPGâ€™S MODERN MEDICINE David Arango, M.D.
Trying To Learn English? OPG 2001
Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn: 1) The bandage was wound around the wound. ORTHOPEDICS 2) The farm was used to produce produce. 3) The dump & SPORTS was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. MEDICINE INSTITUTE 4) We must polish the Polish furniture. 5) He could lead if he would get the lead out. 6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. 7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. 8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. 9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. 10) I did not object to the object. 11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid. 12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. 13) They were too close to the door to close it. 14) The buck does funny things when the does are present. 15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. 16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. 17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail. 18) After a number of injections my jaw got number. 19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear. 20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. 21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house 1120 Carlton Ave. Suite 1400, Lake Wales, FL can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a 575 East Central Ave., Winter Haven, FL 1507 Lakeland Hills Blvd. Suite 107, Lakeland, FL form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computPhone: 863 324-6100 ers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick
SPECIALIZING IN: Spinal Disorders Auto Accidents Work Related Injuries
We Offer Effective:
Epidural Spinal Injections Facet Joint Injections Trigger Point Injections
Lake W Lake Wales ales Dental Group
Miraculous Parking Space OPG 2001
#ENTER FOR $ENTAL %XCELLENCE AND (OME TO THE #ENTER FOR $ENTAL %XCELLENCE AND (OME TO THE &RIENDLINESS -OST +NOWLEDGEABLE AND #APABLE & RIENDLINESS -OST +NOWLEDGEABLE AND #APABLE $OCTORS AND 3TAFF IN #ENTRAL &LORIDA 0ROVIDING $OCTORS AND 3TAFF IN #ENTR AL &LORIDA 0ROVIDING 1UALITY $ENTAL )MPLANT 4REATMENT FOR 9EARS 1UALITY $ENTAL )MPLANT 4REATMENT FOR 9EARS #LEANINGS 0REVENTION s 'ENERAL #OSMETIC 2ESTORATIVE 3EDATION $ENTISTRY #LEANINGS 0RE VENTION s 'ENERAL #OSMETIC 2ESTORATIVE 3EDATION $ENTISTR Y
s 2OOT #ANALS s &ILLINGS s #ROWNS "RIDGES s #RO WNS "RIDGES s $ENTURES s /RAL 3URGERY s $ENTURES s /R AL 3URGERY s #OSMETIC 0ROCEDURES
** "RADLEY (ALL $-$ $)#/) "RADLEY (ALL $-$ $)#/) - -AX 7EAVER $$3 - -AX 7EAVER $$3 !( (ALLIBURTON $$3 !( (ALLIBUR TON $$3
To T o Sc Schedule hedule an Appointment Call
One Doctorâ€™ Doctorâ€™s s Lane Lane,, Lake W Wales ales (Next to CVS & Gr (Next Grove Gro ove Center Nursing Nursing Home) LakeW LakeWalesDentaLCOM s Open alesDentaLCOM s Open T Tuesday uesday â€“ Frida Friday y
A lady was on her way to work and when passing by a bakery window saw a large cinnamon roll in the window. She prayed that if she was supposed to have that cinnamon roll, there would be a place to park right in front of the bakery. The 15th time she circled around, there was. Most every family tree has at least one crop failure. A chrysanthemum by any other name would be easier to spell.
O RANGE P EEL G AZETTE D ISCLAIMER
Information gathered herein is from sources considered reliable....maybe. Accuracy however is another thing. All humorous stories and jokes appearing here are intended for entertainment purposes only and are not meant to disrespect or harm any group or individuals. If anyone is offended by any content herein -â€œget over itâ€?. If you would like to contribute we take money or if you prefer jokes, make sure they can be cut and pasted computer-like. I donâ€™t type. Any political leanings construed from any material herein is your hang up, This publication is neither Republican, Democrat, Green, Fascist, Communist, Socialist, Theocratic, Chocolate, Vanilla or Strawberry. However the Orange Peel Gazette is anti-stupidity (self serving Politicos for example, liberals and anyone else agreeing with Obama or,....people who call or write or email me cause I made a spelling errrorr. If you feel the need to correct me - Donâ€™t, I donâ€™t care.) Hey, it could all be your fault or George Bushâ€™s.... ask Obama, he thinks so ... itâ€™s on his teleprompter ...ask him... Enjoy!!!!
warmth, charm and southern hospitality Please call us today to schedule your personal tour. ASSISTED LIVING RESIDENCES
290 Idlewood Ave, Bartow 33830 www.SavannahCourtStBartow.com Assisted Living Facility Licence #9888
LAKE WALES 863.679.8246
12 E Grove Ave., Lake Wales FL 33853 www.SavannahCourtLakeWales.com Assisted Living Facility Licence #9383
HAINES CITY 863.422.5204
Find more of our communities at www.slm.net/communities
301 Peninsular Dr., Haines City, Fl 33844 www.SavannahCourtHainesCity.com Assisted Living Facility Licence #9382
6550 N. Socrum Loop Rd, Lakeland, FL 33809 www.SavannahCourtLakeland.com Assisted Living Facility Licence #10024
824 N Parsons Avenue, Brandon, FL 33510 www.SavannahCourtBrandon.com Assisted Living Facility License # 9353 Signature communities of Senior Living Management Corp.
White RY A son asked his mother the following question: ' Mom, why are wedding dresses white? ' The mother looks at her son and replies: ' Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.' The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. ' Dad why are wedding dresses white? The father looks at his son in surprise and says: â€˜Son, all household appliances come in white.' The husband is still in intensive care and the prognosis is not good!!!
Legal Parrots A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500." "Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the customer. The owner says "Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research." The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case. Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner." Do you think sheep know when you're pulling the wool over their eyes?
MEMORY SUPPORT RESIDENCE
Lakeland 863.815.9411 605 Carpenterâ€™s Way, Lakeland, FL 33809
www.SavannahCottageLakeland.com Assisted Living Facility Licence #9783
WE CAN TEACH YOU HOW TO ROLL OVER. YOUR 401(K),THAT IS.
NEW PATIENT EXAM First Visit & Cleaning
Exam 0180, 330, 274,1110 Cleaning if no presence of gum disease. Not valid with any other offer. Expires 6/30/14
2740 Not valid with any other offer. Expires 6/30/14
DENTURES UPPER OR LOWER $
7140. Not valid with any other offer. Expires 6/30/14
You’ve moved on to a new job. Your retirement assets should, too. Consolidating those funds into an IRA can help simplify your financial life and build a solid foundation for retirement. Plus, you’ll be able to choose from a broader range of investment options, giving you greater control over your financial future. LIFE WELL PLANNED. ®
5110,5120 Not valid with any other offer. Expires6/30/14
Dr. David E. Junca, D.D.S.
Call for Your Appointment
Financial Advisor 308 Ave. K SE // Winter Haven, FL 33880 Local 863.298.9569 // Toll Free 866-309-7515
firstname.lastname@example.org // www.braddantzler.com
23871 N. US HWY 27, Lake Wales, FL
Does not apply to previously presented cases. Patient and any other person responsible for payment has the right to refuse to pay, cancel payment, or be reimbursed for payment for any other service, examination and treatment which is performed as a result and within 72 hours of responding to the advertisement for free service, discounted or reduced fee service, examination or treatment.
Vacation Cabin When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
Check Your Underwear When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."
Making Babies A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said... "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
Pregnant Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child." A hummingbird weighs less than a penny.
©2013 Raymond James & Associates, Inc., member New York Stock Exchange/SIPC. Raymond James is a registered trademark of Raymond James Financial , Inc. 12-RJM-0338 BS 01/13
ASK ABOUT A FREE AD FOR OCTOBER.
USA QUALITY STEEL BUILDINGS BARNS AND GARAGES Only $3,820 +tax Installed
Only $3,125 +tax Installed
Only $9,985 +tax Installed
Only 6,540 +tax Installed
Carports and RV Ports Installed from $695 2 Car Garages Installed from $4,195 Special 5% Discount on Many Buildings Remember, ”Bugs Don’t Eat Steel.”
www.USABARNSANDGARAGES.com Eternally Grateful Benjamin is in the midst of a long dry spell in Las Vegas. Eventually he gambles away all his money and has to borrow a quarter from another gambler just to use the men's room. He finds a stall that happens to be open and pockets the quarter. Believing that his luck has finally changed, he puts the quarter in a slot machine and hits the jackpot. He takes his winnings and goes to the blackjack table and turns his modest winnings into a million dollars. Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Benjamin goes on the lecture circuit, where he tells his incredible story. He tells his audiences that he will always be eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever finds the man he will share his fortune with him. After months of speaking, a man in the audience jumps up and says, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the quarter." Yes, I remember you well, but you aren't the one I'm looking for. I mean the guy who left the stall door open!"
Magic Show In Vegas During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled, "How'd you do that?" "I could tell you, sir", the magician answered, "But then I'd have to kill you." After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then... just tell my wife!" Eat the rich. The poor are tough and stringy.
Next to Mac’s Meats across from Big Lots
1 SECURITY SELF STORAGE DAVENPORT
2323 HOLLY HILL TANK ROAD • HWY 27
CALL US NOW!
863-424-3031 M O V E- I N $
S P E C I A LS
Moves You In On Up To A 10’ x 25’ For 1st Month’s Rent Call for more savings! Must present ad or mention OPG Not valid with any other offer. Expires 6/30/14
NO DEPOSITS! Rooneyisms Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls: You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone."(Says Into Phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) "Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." Andy Rooney On Cripes: My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be, Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'? Andy Rooney On Grandma: My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
My Dad .... An Army brat was boasting about his father to a Navy brat. "My dad is an engineer. He can do everything. Do you know the Alps?" "Yes," said the Navy brat. "My dad built them." Then the naval kid spoke: You know the Dead Sea?" "Yes." "My dad killed it!"
For information leading to the recovery of a
Stolen Goat Boer Buck Stolen Easter Week
Bless me Father for I have sinned. Last night I shot a politician!
BEST ADVERTISING VALUE AROUND
My daughter, I’m here to listen to your sins, not your community service.
Don’t Shoot Me #421 An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long,thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling.The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on." I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.
CHARLOTTE COMBS STONE LAW GROUP, P.L.
Winter Haven •Sebring •Celebration
ATTORNEY AT LAW
Basic Will: $125 • Living Will: $50 Power of Attorney: $100 Health Care Surrogate: $75 Single Trust Package: $795 Joint Trust Package: $895
ESTATE PLANNING & PROBATE
314 Avenue K SE, Winter Haven, Florida in the offices of Professional Tax Consultants
TYERâ€™S ROOFING &
ROOFING Lic. CC-C058194
â€œQUALITY WORKMANSHIP AT FAIR PRICESâ€? RESIDENTIAL â€˘ COMMERCIAL A LL T YPES OF R OOFING A LL T YPES OF M ETAL R OOFING LICENSED â€˘BONDED
Mobil home roof over Re-Roofingâ€˘repairsâ€˘built-ups
Office: 863-858-1141 Cell: 863-559-5750
Huh? There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
Back Home Again A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely, saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
Skeptical A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts,the elder looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."
Bowling Tells Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss League records were destroyed in a fire and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
Featuring Tractors from 23HP to 97HP Shuttle Shift Transmissions, Hydrostatic Transmissions. 4WD, loader, air conditioned cabs, open platform all with 5 year warranty. Come by and check out our inventory of Tractors and Implements, Sales, Parts and Service. Low rate financing.
-34 3OD %QUIPMENT s www.mstsodequipment.com
53 ./24( s ,AKELAND s +++THIS MONTHâ€™S SPECIALS +++
.%7 ,3 2(
(YDROSTATIC $RIVE s 7$ 4RACTOR s (0 $UAL 2EMOTE (YDRAULICS s 04 (ITCH W1UICK !TTACH ,OADER s 1UICK !TTACH "UCKET
Payments as low as $295 per month 0% down payment, WAC
.%7 ,3 85 03
CALL JASON FOR A DEMO!
7$ 42!#4/2 s 0OWER 3HUTTLE 4RANSMISSION s (0 $UAL 2EMOTE (YDRAULICS s 04 (ITCH W1UICK !TTACH ,OADER s 1UICK !TTACH 3ELF ,EVELING "UCKET Payments as low as $450 p/mo., 0% down payment, WAC
CALL FOR ABOUT FREE AD!
That Flower.....The Name? Marv smiles and says, "Well, we like to eat out too. So what was the name of this fine new eatery?" Bernie says, "You'll going to have to help me out here a little. What's the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, often red, grows on a thorny bush?" Marv grins again, "Well now, Bernie, sounds like a rose to me..." "Yes, yes, that's it!" cries Bernie, then he calls ahead to his wife... "Rose! Rose, honey, what was the name of that little restaurant we ate at last night?"
Mr Cohen And The Matchmaker The Matchmaker goes to see Mr Cohen, a confirmed bachelor for many years. "Mr Cohen, don't leave it too late. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!" says the Matchmaker. "Don't bother," replies Mr Cohen, "I've two sisters at home, who look after all my needs." "That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife." "I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they were mine!"
Another Rooneyism Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
2117 S. Florida Ave, Lakeland, FL
THE BEST W OR KM ANSH IP YOU CAN COUN T ON!
863-944-7719 LICENSED & INSURED
HIGHEST QUALITY PROFESSIONAL ROOFING CONTRACTOR
WITH OVER 30 YEARS OF KNOWLEDGE EXPERIENCE free estimates Who Said it ?!? 1) "We're going to take things away from you on behalf of the common good." A. Karl Marx B. Adolph Hitler C. Joseph Stalin D. Barack Obama 2) "It's time for a new beginning, for an end to government of the few, by the few, and for the few ... and to replace it with shared responsibility, for shared prosperity." A. Lenin B. Mussolini C. Idi Amin D. Barack Obama 3) "(We) ... can't just let business as usual go on, and that means something has to be taken away from some people." A. Nikita Khrushev B. Josef Goebbels C. Boris Yeltsin D. Barack Obama 4) "We have to build a political consensus and that requires people to give up a little bit of their own ... in order to create this common ground." A. Mao Tse Dung B. Hugo Chavez C. Kim Jong Il D. Barack Obama 5) "I certainly think the free-market has failed." A. Karl Marx B. Lenin C. Molotov D. Barack Obama 6) "I think it's time to send a clear message to what has become the most profitable sector in (the) entire economy that they are being watched." A. Pinochet B. Milosevic C. Saddam Hussein D. Barack Obama Answer - None of the above. All of these statements were made by Hillary Clinton ...1) 6/29/2004 ... 2) 5/29/2007 3)... 6/4/2007 4) ... 6/4/2007 5) ... 6/4/2007 6) ... 9/2/2005 "There's one sure way to stop us from scoring........ give us the ball near the goal line. - " Matty Bell / SMU
of Central Florida
4612 Hwy 92 East, Lakeland, FL
TRade-in Today! 3 EASY STEPS b Schedule Your Tour and Find Your New Home! b We Will Buy Your Old Home! b Enjoy Life In Your New Home! Take Advantage of the Blow Out Prices!
GOD BLESS AMERICA
WE ACCEPT ALL MAJOR CREDIT CARDS
OPEN EVERY DAY TO 12 MIDNIGHT THROUGH JULY 4 EVERYTHING THE AND OPEN 24 ALL HOURS JULYTIME!!! 3RD
FIRECRACKERS • BOTTLE ROCKETS ROMAN CANDLES.........MORE LOWEST PRICES IN PLANT CITY! 3 LOCATIONS TO SERVE YOU TWILIGHT PACKAGE & LOUNGE 4010 EAST HWY 60 AT COUNTY LINE RD, PLANT CITY, FL
2250 HIGHWAY 92 EAST, PLANT CITY, FL
DESCO PRINT SHOP
CORNER OF SR 60 AND MULRENNAN RD, VALRICO, FL
FOOD, FOOD & FOOD TEXAS CATTLE COMPANY
The Sign of Great Steaks! Prime and choice Colorado grain fed beef. Aged 4-6 weeks, hand cut fresh everyday and cooked over an open wood pit at 1,100 degrees... ......”Soooooooooo good!
Reservations Suggested • 863-686-1434 735 E. Main St Lakeland, FL
Visit us at: www.texascattlecompany.net
Here This! Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other: "Windy isn't it?" "No" the second man replied "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in: "So am I. Let's have a beer."
After being married for a number of years, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her for a while...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K." She asks..... "What does that mean?" He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot." She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely. What about I, J, K?" He said, "I'm Just Kidding!" The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic he’ll see again.
Confusion At The Supermarket There was a bit of confusion at the supermarket this morning. When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down facing me." Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my Visa card. I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer! Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
2020 Shepherd Rd, Mulberry, FL • Imperial Lake Plaza next to Publix
863-701-7230 MON - SAT: 6AM - 8PM • SUN 7AM - 3PM
MUSIC & BINGO & LOTS OF FUN Love Those Liberals
Two liberals find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station. One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?" The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two." A woman phoned her liberal neighbor and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are making love. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." To which the liberal replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday." A liberal is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?" He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine." A liberal goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me". The liberal says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet". A liberal spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ". He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up. A liberal shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No", he shouts, "this is her husband!" A liberal's dog goes missing and he is frantic. His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?" He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy!"
LIVE MUSICAL PERFORMANCES OF THE 50’S, 60’S AND 70’S AT AFFORDABLE RATES
Visit us at plantcitybingo.com for coupons & information
PLAY OUR FIREBALL & NEW CANNONBALL • PROGRESSIVE JACKPOT PULL-TABS...STARTS @ $1,000 PLUS ALL PACKS $20 UP TO 36 CARDS TURBO UPGRADE 60 CARDS ONLY $13 MORE • SUPER SIZE YOUR TURBO $6 MORE
AUTO-DAB TURBOS SUPER SATURDAY 6/14 & 7/12
FRIDAYS $15 ALL PACKS JACKPOTS : 21/$250 14/$100 TUESDAY, THURSDAY & FRIDAY COME EARLY DOORS OPEN 3PM 25 JACKPOTS FREE BONANZA BINGO
12/$250 13/$100 UP TO 36 CARDS $20
SUNDAY AFTERNOON 25 JACKPOTS - 12 / $250 • 13 / $100 DOORS OPEN 10:30 AM
JUST MENTION ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE
105 J-Arden Mays Downtown Plant City, FL
813-719-6568 Game promotions are subject to change. Please call for more information
Routine Traffic Stop OPG 2001 I stopped a drunk driver, and asked him to walk the white line. He said I’m not drunk. I'll walk that wire fence over there. I said ok, and he climbed onto the fence took a couple steps, and fell inside the fence. A large bull with huge horns butted him, he grabbed the horns, and they went around for several minutes. The bull finally threw him into the road, and he got up looked at me and said, "See I told you I wasn't drunk if I was I would have taken that bicycle away from that fellow".
Come play one of Florida’s Favorite Old Style Courses!
Real Mothers! OPG 2001 Real Mothers don't eat quiche; they don't have time to make it. Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox. Real Mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids. Real Mothers know that dried Playdough doesn't come out of shag carpets. Real Mothers don't want to know what the vacuum just sucked up. Real Mothers sometimes ask, "Why me?" and get their answer when a little voice says, "because I love you best." Real Mothers know that a child's growth is not measured by height or years or grade... It is marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy to Mom...
Call for Prices?
Call for Tee Times
190 Idlewood Ave. Bartow, Florida
I’m Tired And Overworked OPG 2001 The population of this country is 300 million. 134 million are retired. That leaves 153 million to do the work. There are 95 million in school,which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting there reading the Orange Peel Gazette.
Pay with a Smile! OPG 2001 A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile." "Thank goodness," returned Mr. Carr, with a giant grin on his face. "I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash." Always keep your words soft and sweet, in case you have to eat them.
Recovery for our children is no longer just a hope... Autism Hope Alliance
...it’s a reality.
Dedicated to the recovery of children and adults from autism, the Autism Hope Alliance provides hope for families facing the diagnosis through education and funding. Learn more, Volunteer or Donate
MORE FOOD & FUN BUY ONE
863-853-9222 • 813-850-3414
GET ONE 50% OFF
GET ONE 50% OFF
SAUSAGE GRAVY & BISCUIT
PULLED PORK LUNCH SPECIAL
Not valid with any other offer. Must present ad or coupon or mention OPG. Expires 6/30/14
Not valid with any other offer. Must present ad or coupon or mention OPG. Expires 6/30/14
OPEN 7 DAYS
CATERING WITH DELIVERY Catching the Bear Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin. The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!" When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I
Introducing Our New Subs & Salads
Drop By and “Meat” Them! Now, all of our delicious deli meat subs and salads feature Boar’s Head premium meats.
FREE Saturday & Sunday NOON & 1PM Simple Support Last week my wife and I purchased a new computer. We ran into some difficulties while setting it up so we decided to call the customer support phone number we found in the manual. I picked up the phone and called the number. A man answered the phone and I explained the problem to him. He began rattling off computer jargon. This confused us even more. "Sir," I said politely, "Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?" "Okay," the computer support guy said, "Son, could you please put your mommy on the phone?" Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
LAKELAND 4648 Cleveland Heights Blvd. | 863-937-9280 2306 E. Edgewood Dr. | 863-450-2986 ANNA MARIA ISLAND 308 Pine Ave. | 941-251-4070 Open Tuesday-Sunday | Closed Monday
Golf Partners OPG 2001 A fellow comes home after his regular Saturday golf game and his wife asks why he doesn't include Mike Brown in the games anymore. The husband asks, "Would you want to play with a guy who regularly cheats, swears up a storm over everything, lies about his score, and has nothing good to say about anyone else on the course?" "Of course I wouldn't," replies the wife. "Well," says the husband, "neither would Mike Brown."
Assistance Please..... OPG 2001 Marie was out driving her car and while stopped at a red light, the car just died. It was a busy intersection and the traffic behind her was starting to pile up. The guy in the car directly behind her was honking his horn continuously as Marie continued to try getting the car to start up again. Finally Marie gets out of her car and approaches the guy in the car behind her. "I can't seem to get my car started," Marie said, smiling. "Would you be a sweetheart and go and see if you can get it started for me. I'll stay here in your car and lean on your horn for you."
Job Application OPG 2001 An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No." The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
Just Like Mommy OPG 2001 A two and a half year old walked into the bathroom while her mother was putting on make-up. "I'm going to look just like you mommy!" she announced. "Maybe, when you grow up," her mother told her. "No mommy, tomorrow. I'm going put on that 'Oil of Old Lady' just like you always do."
Just Like You OPG 2001 A factory owner said to a store owner, "Thank you, Mr. Smith, for your patronage. I wish I had twenty customers like you." "Wow, it's nice to hear that, but I'm kind of surprised," admitted Smith. "You know that I argue every bill and always pay late." The factory owner said, "I'd still like twenty customers like you. The problem is, I have two hundred!"
Driving Under The Influence OPG 2001 We've all been lost and depended on our wives to act as navigator. Well, not long ago, Mrs. Jim Jr., her face buried in a map book, said "Turn here!" I did, and didn't notice the "No Left Turn" sign. Just then, a policeman was nearby and stopped me. I tried to explain that we were lost and I was following my wife's directions. He issued me a ticket for "Driving Under the Influence of A Wife." "Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
Rapture Guns & Knives
8216 U.S. Hwy 98 N, Lakeland, FL 5 Miles North of Lakeland Square Mall
RIFLES • KNIVES PISTOLS • AMMO HOURS: TUES - SAT 9-7
BUY • SELL • TRADE • CONSIGN
LAY-AWAY • CCW CLASSICS • TRANSFERS
All Cleaning supplies
Must show ad or mention OPG, Not valid with any other offer. This offer expires 6/30/14
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE RED SOX?
Dogs Or Women! OPG 200?
• Dogs love it when your friends come over. • Dogs think you sing great. • A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink. • The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you. • Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs. • Dogs don't notice if you call 1846/1848 James L. Redman Pkwy, Plant City, FL them by another dog's name. • Dogs don't mind if you Open 6 Days a Week (closed Tuesdays) • DOORS OPEN 10am give their offspring away. • Anyone can get a good-looking dog. • Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on $250 JACKPOTS DAILY the floor. • A dog's disposition stays the same all month $50 Specials •$25 Specials long. • A dog's parents never visit. • Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions. • Dogs Speedy Saturday!! 6pm-? like beer. • No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reach813-752-2525 ing adulthood. • Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across. • Dogs never expect gifts. • Dogs don't worry about germs. • Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one. • You never have to wait for a dog, they're ready NEW CONSTRUCTION • ADDITIONS • REMODELING to go 24 hours a day. • Dogs have no use for flowers, ROOF - OVERS • CARPORTS • GARAGES • AWNINGS cards, or jewelry. • Dogs don't borrow your shirts. Office: 863-967-9776 Fax: 863-984-6853 • Dogs never want foot-rubs.
ALUMINUM and CONCRETE
CONSTRUCTION Lic # CBC1259246
Our minister announced that admission to a church social event would be six dollars per person. However, if you're over 65," he said, " the price will be only $5.50." From the back of the congregation, a woman's voice rang out, "Do you really think I'd give you that information for only 50 cents?"
You Know You’re Living in 2014 when... 1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave. 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses. 6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries... 7. Every commercial on television has a Web site at the bottom of the screen. 8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it! 9. You get up in the morning and go on-line before getting your coffee. 10. Google is your Alma Mater.
Self Inflicted Justice Of Sorts [The News of the Weird]: Michael Anderson Godwin made news of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. Whilst sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted. Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do? Dentist: Wear a brown tie!
620 Dundee Road Suite 3, Dundee, FL 33838
Robert & Linda Archetto Publishers, Editors, Janitors
ACCOUNT EXECUTIVES Norman Roy • Joe Carlson Cathi Hochstedler
Ernie Finocchio • Ron Yost Liz Archetto • Steve D’Amato
NO SOCIALISTS ALLOWED! EVER!
ONE NATION...UNDER GOD!!!!
Parrot and Business Man OPG 2002
Licensed • Insured
CLEAN - EFFICI EN T NO TRUCKS ON YOUR LAWN THE BEST FOR LESS! ...TELL A FRIEND!
& “LIGHTNING LOADER” DEBRIS REMOVAL
863-682-4235•863-370-6067 CONVERT VINYL LINERS TO FIBERGLASS OR CONCRETE POOL SHELLS
( $ %$.$&" $&
Exposed Aggregate Finish • Expert Repair Service Pool, Deck, Patio & Driveway Resurfacing Fiberglass Sand & Reseal • Brick Paver Installation Automatic Swimming Pool Covers Drain & Clean Tile, Regrouting & Replacement Spa Heater • Salt Chlorination • Vinyl Liners
A businessman boards an airplane to find that his neighbor in first class is a parrot. They take off and the stewardess asks what they would like to drink. "Glenlivet on the rocks with a twist," says the parrot. The businessman orders a Coke. After waiting two or three minutes, the bird starts yelling, "Where's my drink?! Stop fooling around and give me my drink!" The stewardess runs to him with his glass, leaving the businessman still thirsty. Half an hour later the stewardess makes a second round. The bird orders another Glenlivet and a Wall Street Journal. The businessman asks for another Coke. Again, after waiting a couple of minutes, the bird screams, squawking, "Are you lazy or stupid? I want my drink, and don't forget my paper!" The poor stewardess nearly trips over herself getting the parrot his drink and the newspaper. The businessman still has nothing, and after ten more minutes he decides to take his cue from the bird. "Hey! Bring me my Coke right now!" he shouts. Out of nowhere the stewardess, the captain Brad and two passengers grab the businessman and the bird, open the hatch and throw them out of the plane. At 30,000 feet, the two are falling side by side. The parrot says to the terrified man, "Wow -- that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings!"
Five Minutes More OPG 2002
While at the park one day, a woman sat down next #CPC1458157 • #CPC1456633, FSPA • Licensed - Bonded - Insured to a man on a bench near a playground. "That's my son over there," she said, pointing to a little boy in a red sweater who was gliding down the slide. "He's a fine looking boy" the man said. "That's my daughter on the bike in the white dress." Then, looking at his made in America he called to his daughter. "What do you say we “Cherish the Loss of a Loved watch, go, Melissa?" Melissa pleaded, "Just five more minOne or Pets with a Beautiful utes, Dad. Please? Just five more minutes." The man Handcrafted Urn” nodded and Melissa continued to ride her bike to her heart's content. Minutes passed and the father stood and called again to his daughter. "Time to go now?" mrtn 62 @comcast.net Visit us at www.ctcremationurns.com Again Melissa pleaded, "Five more minutes, Dad. Just five more minutes." The man smiled and said, "O.K." "My, you certainly are a patient father," the woman responded. The man smiled and then said, "Her older brother Tommy was killed by a drunk driver last year & B U S I NE S S C EN T ER while he was riding his bike near here. I never spent L O W E S T P R I C E S I N P O L K C O U N T Y much time with Tommy and now I'd give anything for just five more minutes with him. I've vowed not to All Units - Air Conditioned make the same mistake with Melissa. She thinks she All Units - Indoors US HWY 27 has five more minutes to ride her bike. The truth is, I starting /mO EZ Shell sTORAGE uNITS at $15 get Five more minutes to watch her play." Dundee Rd
OFFICE SPACE AVAILABLE
Space 3200 sq ft Commercial Nice Office/Retail/Storage
620 DUNDEE ROAD, DUNDEE, FL
The Gift OPG 2002
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Anniversary. A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those pretty 4-wheel drive vehicles." "She did," he replied, "But where in the world was I going to find a fake jeep!!" SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.
EPISCOPAL CATHOLIC APARTMENTS AFFORDABLE EFFICIENCY &1 BR APARTMENTS*
500 Ave L NW, Winter Haven, FL
62 YEARS OR OLDER
Laundry Facilities • Electric & Water Incl.
A non-denominational community, centrally located near downtown Winter Haven convenient to shopping, transportation and medical services 863-299-4481 • TTY 1-800-955-8771 *HUD income Guidelines Apply EQUAL HOUSING OPPORTUNITY
Call Me! I Come To You.
Traders Pawn 2880 Havendale Blvd.,Winter Haven, FL
863-967-3933 • 863-967-5653
Got Gold? WE PAY CASH!
Mon-Fri 9AM-6PM Saturday 9AM-5PM
GREAT PRICES ON ELECTRONICS, DVDS, POWER TOOLS, JEWELRY AND MORE www.traderspawnshop.com
NOT A GOOD THING.
Dr. Seuss Explains: Why Computers Sometimes Crash (Read this to yourself aloud - it's GREAT!) If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report. If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double- clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!! If the label on the cable on the table at your house says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, you know it's gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro code instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom! WELL! That certainly clears things up for ME. David: My wife beats me, doctor. Doctor: Oh dear. How often? David: Every time we play Scrabble!
T e l l m e , W H AT â€™ S a h O M E W I T H O U T A P E T ?
We'd love to be part of your family. Please take us home.
Beau Meet Beau, a handsome guy who cannot wait to spend forever with you. He is playful with teens, adults and seniors. His hobbies include climbing and playing with toys. Even though Beau is an active boy, he also enjoys quiet time.
Sue Ling She is Siamese if you please! Meet Sue Ling, a gorgeous, sweet cat who cannot wait to find her forever home. Got cats? No problem! Her former guardians said she is easygoing with other kitties. Sue is also friendly with children 6+.
Dana Dana is curious, friendly, and completely mellow. She is a little shy and her former guardians said she would do best in a home with older teens, adults or seniors. She likes car rides, fetch and tossing around toys. Come see her.
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote: I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night? An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too. I Don't Get It..... I've got 3 TVs, cable, & a satellite dish; I have 3 phone lines in the house, a cell phone & one in the car, plus a pager. I use 2 computers, 3 ISPs and a fax. I subscribe to two daily papers and one weekly one. I watch both the local and network news every evening. And my kids have the nerve to tell me I'm out of touch. have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. We have to belive in free will. We have no choice.
Sniper Sniper has been patiently waiting for you since February! This handsome boy is active, curious, playful and silly. He enjoys playing with toys and adores being petted. Sniper is house trained plus he knows "sit." Heâ€™ll love you forever!
Every pet is spayed or neutered, vaccinated, microchipped and sent home with Revolution, a topical flea and tick medication.
Healthy Animals. Humane Communities
Adoption Center Closed Mondays
5850 Brannen Rd S, Lakeland, FL
MORE ACCURATE FILING” 319 Third Street NW Winter Haven, FL DOWNTOWN IN THE
GER REPAIR N I S CENTER
new location 2824 Recker Hwy Winter Haven, Fl
SEWING & QUILTING CLASSES
SEWING MACHINE SALES & SERVICE
PAWN SHO P
ALL TYPES OF TREE MAINTENANCE CHIPPER & STUMP GRINDING PALM TREES CLEANED BUCKET TRUCK • FIREWOOD
“WE BUY GOLD & SILVER”
214 Domaris Ave, Lake Wales, FL
OLD TIME SQUARE BUILDING
863-293-1413 • Se Habla Español MASTER ELECTRICIANS
Over 26 Years Experience. Quality Affordable Work from the Best Electricians in Polk County
863-969-8811 License# ER13013944
SELL IT HERE Do you have something to sell A car or a boat with a bell The Orange Peel Gazette is by far your best bet Try it, you bound to get well!
WANTED SALES REPS
ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE
A job you’ll love!
PAPA JOHN RISENERS CUSTOM 6” SEAMLESS GUTTERS • UNDERGROUND DRAIN • VARIETY OF COLORS Forget the rest • Go with the Best 863-858-1368 • SENIOR DISCOUNT
The Proud Papa One day shortly after the birth of their new baby, the DIAMONDS • JEWELRY • RIFLES HAND GUNS • SHOTGUNS mother had to go out to do some errands. So the proud 863-676-4514 papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son.
Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of to do but the MAYER JEWELERS baby wouldn't stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor. After the Our 41th Year YOUR OLD GOLD CAN MAKE NEW JEWELRY doctor listened to the father all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the WE REPAIR ALL TYPES OF JEWELRY baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area. WE BUY GOLD, When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper is DIAMONDS & COINS indeed full. "Here's the problem", the Dr. said, "He needs a change." The father was very perplexed, "But 863-676-1317 the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs.!" FREE JEWELRY INSPECTIONS
s t t s u e C B
201 E. STUART AVE, LAKE WALES, FL
$1 OFF Haircut w/ad
Mon-Fri 8-5:30 • Sat 8-2
213 AHVENUE O SW OPE PLAZA WINTER HAVEN, FL
The Day Off
Johnson goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "We're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff around ." "We're really short-handed, Johnson,"snapped his boss. "I can't give you the day off." "Thanks boss," says Johnson, "I knew I could count on you!" Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be eighty. Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now. Doctor: See, what did I tell you.
IMAGINE LIFE WITHOUT BARRY & THE LIBS!
NOW OPEN ~ NEW LOCATION
2195 E. EDGEWATER DRIVE, LAKELAND, FL
Freshwater & Saltwater Aquaria â€˘ Fish & Livestock Aquarium Set-Up & Service â€˘ Koi & Garden Ponds Backyard Birding â€˘ Nature Gifts & Toys
Your selection of Droll Yankees birding products and Wild Delight seed mixes. Any combination. In-stock only. No rain checks. Must bring ad or mention OPG. Expires 6/30/14
863-683-7333 â€˘ Mon-Sat 10am - 8pm â€˘ Sun Noon - 5pm wwwGoFish2O.com
New Moon Sushi Japanese Restaurant 44VTIJr4BTIBNJr5FNQVSBr5FSJZBLJ VTIJr4BTIBNJr5 Jr5FFNQVSBr5 VSBr5FFSJZBLJ O P E N
Mon - Fri 11:30 - 2:00
Sun - Thurs: Thurs: 5:00 - 9:30 Fri - Sat: 5:00 - 10:00 $
a $30 purchase Coupon required. Dine-in only. only One coupon per tab table le party. par ty ty. Not valid valid with an anyy other offer off offer. er. Exp.. 6/30/14 Exp
10 1 0 OFF
a $50 purchase Coupon required. Dine-in only. only One coupon per table table party. par ty ty. Not valid valid with an anyy other offer off offer. er. Exp. Exp. 6/30/14
3 &LORIDA !VE ,AKELAND s 3 &LORIDA !VE &LORIDA ! VE ,AKELAND s 863-647-1212 Palm P alm Center Mall, Ne Next xt to Big Lots
.EW-OON3USHICOM s FACEBOOKCOMNEWMOONSUSHI .E W-OON3USHICOM s FACEBOOKCOMNEWMOONSUSHI