Page 1

Est. 2000

Orange Peel Gazette

JUNE 2014

SEE OUR AD ON PAGE 4

LJ’s Get

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Obama Care Explained RY A common misconception is that Obamacare is complicated. It can actually be explained in 4 short sentences as follows: 1: In order to insure the uninsured, we first have to un-insure the insured. 2: Next, we require the newly un-insured to be re-insured. 3: To re-insure the newly un-insured, they are required to pay extra charges to be re-insured. 4: The extra charges are required so that the original insured, who became un-insured, and then became re-insured, can pay enough extra so that the original un-insured can be insured, free of charge to them

Public Servant "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

Dalmatian Dog

A grandfather was taking his grandchildren home when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said another. "He's just for good luck.." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

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Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes." WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "$90,000." ; MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it." MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!" MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?" "I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation." Bob Devaney / Nebraska

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Thanks For Those Educational E-mails Now I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel. I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose. Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years. I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet. I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers. I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. Because of your concern , I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I can’t go to the gas station because a serial killer might crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up. And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life. I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off. Thanks alot!

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During the course of being interviewed by the press, Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, the noted doctor was asked by a reporter: "Doctor, did "Did you see that?" "No," the second guy says. you ever make a serious mistake?" "Yes, was the reply, "Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy "I once cured a millionaire in three visits!" says. "Oh," says the second guy. A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?" "See Mathematically Speaking what?" the second guy asks. "Are you blind? There A high-school geometry teacher started a lesson on triangles by reading a theorem. "If an angle is an exteri- was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there." or angle of a triangle, then its measure is greater than the "Oh." A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?" By now, the second guy is getting aggravatmeasure of either of its corresponding remote interior angles." He noticed that one student wasn't taking notes ed, so he says, "Yes, I did!" And the first guy says: and asked him why. "Well," the student replied sincere- "Then why did you step in it?" ly, "I was waiting for you to start speaking English." If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage


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Trying To Learn English? OPG 2001

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn: 1) The bandage was wound around the wound. ORTHOPEDICS 2) The farm was used to produce produce. 3) The dump & SPORTS was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. MEDICINE INSTITUTE 4) We must polish the Polish furniture. 5) He could lead if he would get the lead out. 6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. 7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. 8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. 9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. 10) I did not object to the object. 11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid. 12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. 13) They were too close to the door to close it. 14) The buck does funny things when the does are present. 15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. 16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. 17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail. 18) After a number of injections my jaw got number. 19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear. 20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. 21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house 1120 Carlton Ave. Suite 1400, Lake Wales, FL can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a 575 East Central Ave., Winter Haven, FL 1507 Lakeland Hills Blvd. Suite 107, Lakeland, FL form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computPhone: 863 324-6100 ers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick

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A lady was on her way to work and when passing by a bakery window saw a large cinnamon roll in the window. She prayed that if she was supposed to have that cinnamon roll, there would be a place to park right in front of the bakery. The 15th time she circled around, there was. Most every family tree has at least one crop failure. A chrysanthemum by any other name would be easier to spell.

O RANGE P EEL G AZETTE D ISCLAIMER

Information gathered herein is from sources considered reliable....maybe. Accuracy however is another thing. All humorous stories and jokes appearing here are intended for entertainment purposes only and are not meant to disrespect or harm any group or individuals. If anyone is offended by any content herein -“get over it�. If you would like to contribute we take money or if you prefer jokes, make sure they can be cut and pasted computer-like. I don’t type. Any political leanings construed from any material herein is your hang up, This publication is neither Republican, Democrat, Green, Fascist, Communist, Socialist, Theocratic, Chocolate, Vanilla or Strawberry. However the Orange Peel Gazette is anti-stupidity (self serving Politicos for example, liberals and anyone else agreeing with Obama or,....people who call or write or email me cause I made a spelling errrorr. If you feel the need to correct me - Don’t, I don’t care.) Hey, it could all be your fault or George Bush’s.... ask Obama, he thinks so ... it’s on his teleprompter ...ask him... Enjoy!!!!


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White RY A son asked his mother the following question: ' Mom, why are wedding dresses white? ' The mother looks at her son and replies: ' Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.' The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. ' Dad why are wedding dresses white? The father looks at his son in surprise and says: ‘Son, all household appliances come in white.' The husband is still in intensive care and the prognosis is not good!!!

Legal Parrots A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500." "Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the customer. The owner says "Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research." The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case. Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner." Do you think sheep know when you're pulling the wool over their eyes?

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Vacation Cabin When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

Check Your Underwear When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."

Making Babies A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said... "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

Pregnant Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child." A hummingbird weighs less than a penny.

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www.USABARNSANDGARAGES.com Eternally Grateful Benjamin is in the midst of a long dry spell in Las Vegas. Eventually he gambles away all his money and has to borrow a quarter from another gambler just to use the men's room. He finds a stall that happens to be open and pockets the quarter. Believing that his luck has finally changed, he puts the quarter in a slot machine and hits the jackpot. He takes his winnings and goes to the blackjack table and turns his modest winnings into a million dollars. Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Benjamin goes on the lecture circuit, where he tells his incredible story. He tells his audiences that he will always be eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever finds the man he will share his fortune with him. After months of speaking, a man in the audience jumps up and says, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the quarter." Yes, I remember you well, but you aren't the one I'm looking for. I mean the guy who left the stall door open!"

Magic Show In Vegas During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled, "How'd you do that?" "I could tell you, sir", the magician answered, "But then I'd have to kill you." After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then... just tell my wife!" Eat the rich. The poor are tough and stringy.

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NO DEPOSITS! Rooneyisms Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls: You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone."(Says Into Phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) "Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." Andy Rooney On Cripes: My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be, Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'? Andy Rooney On Grandma: My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

My Dad .... An Army brat was boasting about his father to a Navy brat. "My dad is an engineer. He can do everything. Do you know the Alps?" "Yes," said the Navy brat. "My dad built them." Then the naval kid spoke: You know the Dead Sea?" "Yes." "My dad killed it!"

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Huh? There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

Back Home Again A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely, saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

Skeptical A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts,the elder looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

Bowling Tells Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss League records were destroyed in a fire and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

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That Flower.....The Name? Marv smiles and says, "Well, we like to eat out too. So what was the name of this fine new eatery?" Bernie says, "You'll going to have to help me out here a little. What's the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, often red, grows on a thorny bush?" Marv grins again, "Well now, Bernie, sounds like a rose to me..." "Yes, yes, that's it!" cries Bernie, then he calls ahead to his wife... "Rose! Rose, honey, what was the name of that little restaurant we ate at last night?"

Mr Cohen And The Matchmaker The Matchmaker goes to see Mr Cohen, a confirmed bachelor for many years. "Mr Cohen, don't leave it too late. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!" says the Matchmaker. "Don't bother," replies Mr Cohen, "I've two sisters at home, who look after all my needs." "That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife." "I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they were mine!"

Another Rooneyism Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

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Here This! Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other: "Windy isn't it?" "No" the second man replied "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in: "So am I. Let's have a beer."

ABC's

After being married for a number of years, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her for a while...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K." She asks..... "What does that mean?" He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot." She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely. What about I, J, K?" He said, "I'm Just Kidding!" The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic he’ll see again.

Confusion At The Supermarket There was a bit of confusion at the supermarket this morning. When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down facing me." Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my Visa card. I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer! Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

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MUSIC & BINGO & LOTS OF FUN Love Those Liberals

Two liberals find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station. One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?" The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two." A woman phoned her liberal neighbor and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are making love. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." To which the liberal replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday." A liberal is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?" He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine." A liberal goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me". The liberal says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet". A liberal spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ". He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up. A liberal shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No", he shouts, "this is her husband!" A liberal's dog goes missing and he is frantic. His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?" He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy!"

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Routine Traffic Stop OPG 2001 I stopped a drunk driver, and asked him to walk the white line. He said I’m not drunk. I'll walk that wire fence over there. I said ok, and he climbed onto the fence took a couple steps, and fell inside the fence. A large bull with huge horns butted him, he grabbed the horns, and they went around for several minutes. The bull finally threw him into the road, and he got up looked at me and said, "See I told you I wasn't drunk if I was I would have taken that bicycle away from that fellow".

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Real Mothers! OPG 2001 Real Mothers don't eat quiche; they don't have time to make it. Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox. Real Mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids. Real Mothers know that dried Playdough doesn't come out of shag carpets. Real Mothers don't want to know what the vacuum just sucked up. Real Mothers sometimes ask, "Why me?" and get their answer when a little voice says, "because I love you best." Real Mothers know that a child's growth is not measured by height or years or grade... It is marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy to Mom...

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I’m Tired And Overworked OPG 2001 The population of this country is 300 million. 134 million are retired. That leaves 153 million to do the work. There are 95 million in school,which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting there reading the Orange Peel Gazette.

Pay with a Smile! OPG 2001 A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile." "Thank goodness," returned Mr. Carr, with a giant grin on his face. "I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash." Always keep your words soft and sweet, in case you have to eat them.

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CATERING WITH DELIVERY Catching the Bear Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin. The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!" When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I

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FREE Saturday & Sunday NOON & 1PM Simple Support Last week my wife and I purchased a new computer. We ran into some difficulties while setting it up so we decided to call the customer support phone number we found in the manual. I picked up the phone and called the number. A man answered the phone and I explained the problem to him. He began rattling off computer jargon. This confused us even more. "Sir," I said politely, "Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?" "Okay," the computer support guy said, "Son, could you please put your mommy on the phone?" Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

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Golf Partners OPG 2001 A fellow comes home after his regular Saturday golf game and his wife asks why he doesn't include Mike Brown in the games anymore. The husband asks, "Would you want to play with a guy who regularly cheats, swears up a storm over everything, lies about his score, and has nothing good to say about anyone else on the course?" "Of course I wouldn't," replies the wife. "Well," says the husband, "neither would Mike Brown."

Assistance Please..... OPG 2001 Marie was out driving her car and while stopped at a red light, the car just died. It was a busy intersection and the traffic behind her was starting to pile up. The guy in the car directly behind her was honking his horn continuously as Marie continued to try getting the car to start up again. Finally Marie gets out of her car and approaches the guy in the car behind her. "I can't seem to get my car started," Marie said, smiling. "Would you be a sweetheart and go and see if you can get it started for me. I'll stay here in your car and lean on your horn for you."

Job Application OPG 2001 An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No." The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

Just Like Mommy OPG 2001 A two and a half year old walked into the bathroom while her mother was putting on make-up. "I'm going to look just like you mommy!" she announced. "Maybe, when you grow up," her mother told her. "No mommy, tomorrow. I'm going put on that 'Oil of Old Lady' just like you always do."

Just Like You OPG 2001 A factory owner said to a store owner, "Thank you, Mr. Smith, for your patronage. I wish I had twenty customers like you." "Wow, it's nice to hear that, but I'm kind of surprised," admitted Smith. "You know that I argue every bill and always pay late." The factory owner said, "I'd still like twenty customers like you. The problem is, I have two hundred!"

Driving Under The Influence OPG 2001 We've all been lost and depended on our wives to act as navigator. Well, not long ago, Mrs. Jim Jr., her face buried in a map book, said "Turn here!" I did, and didn't notice the "No Left Turn" sign. Just then, a policeman was nearby and stopped me. I tried to explain that we were lost and I was following my wife's directions. He issued me a ticket for "Driving Under the Influence of A Wife." "Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."

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Dogs Or Women! OPG 200?

• Dogs love it when your friends come over. • Dogs think you sing great. • A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink. • The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you. • Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs. • Dogs don't notice if you call 1846/1848 James L. Redman Pkwy, Plant City, FL them by another dog's name. • Dogs don't mind if you Open 6 Days a Week (closed Tuesdays) • DOORS OPEN 10am give their offspring away. • Anyone can get a good-looking dog. • Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on $250 JACKPOTS DAILY the floor. • A dog's disposition stays the same all month $50 Specials •$25 Specials long. • A dog's parents never visit. • Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions. • Dogs Speedy Saturday!! 6pm-? like beer. • No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reach813-752-2525 ing adulthood. • Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across. • Dogs never expect gifts. • Dogs don't worry about germs. • Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one. • You never have to wait for a dog, they're ready NEW CONSTRUCTION • ADDITIONS • REMODELING to go 24 hours a day. • Dogs have no use for flowers, ROOF - OVERS • CARPORTS • GARAGES • AWNINGS cards, or jewelry. • Dogs don't borrow your shirts. Office: 863-967-9776 Fax: 863-984-6853 • Dogs never want foot-rubs.

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Our minister announced that admission to a church social event would be six dollars per person. However, if you're over 65," he said, " the price will be only $5.50." From the back of the congregation, a woman's voice rang out, "Do you really think I'd give you that information for only 50 cents?"

You Know You’re Living in 2014 when... 1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave. 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses. 6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries... 7. Every commercial on television has a Web site at the bottom of the screen. 8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it! 9. You get up in the morning and go on-line before getting your coffee. 10. Google is your Alma Mater.

Self Inflicted Justice Of Sorts [The News of the Weird]: Michael Anderson Godwin made news of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. Whilst sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted. Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do? Dentist: Wear a brown tie!

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863-438-8007•863-521-3245

opg1@verizon.net

Robert & Linda Archetto Publishers, Editors, Janitors

ACCOUNT EXECUTIVES Norman Roy • Joe Carlson Cathi Hochstedler

CONTRIBUTORS

Ernie Finocchio • Ron Yost Liz Archetto • Steve D’Amato

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Parrot and Business Man OPG 2002

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A businessman boards an airplane to find that his neighbor in first class is a parrot. They take off and the stewardess asks what they would like to drink. "Glenlivet on the rocks with a twist," says the parrot. The businessman orders a Coke. After waiting two or three minutes, the bird starts yelling, "Where's my drink?! Stop fooling around and give me my drink!" The stewardess runs to him with his glass, leaving the businessman still thirsty. Half an hour later the stewardess makes a second round. The bird orders another Glenlivet and a Wall Street Journal. The businessman asks for another Coke. Again, after waiting a couple of minutes, the bird screams, squawking, "Are you lazy or stupid? I want my drink, and don't forget my paper!" The poor stewardess nearly trips over herself getting the parrot his drink and the newspaper. The businessman still has nothing, and after ten more minutes he decides to take his cue from the bird. "Hey! Bring me my Coke right now!" he shouts. Out of nowhere the stewardess, the captain Brad and two passengers grab the businessman and the bird, open the hatch and throw them out of the plane. At 30,000 feet, the two are falling side by side. The parrot says to the terrified man, "Wow -- that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings!"

Five Minutes More OPG 2002

While at the park one day, a woman sat down next #CPC1458157 • #CPC1456633, FSPA • Licensed - Bonded - Insured to a man on a bench near a playground. "That's my son over there," she said, pointing to a little boy in a red sweater who was gliding down the slide. "He's a fine looking boy" the man said. "That's my daughter on the bike in the white dress." Then, looking at his made in America he called to his daughter. "What do you say we “Cherish the Loss of a Loved watch, go, Melissa?" Melissa pleaded, "Just five more minOne or Pets with a Beautiful utes, Dad. Please? Just five more minutes." The man Handcrafted Urn” nodded and Melissa continued to ride her bike to her heart's content. Minutes passed and the father stood and called again to his daughter. "Time to go now?" mrtn 62 @comcast.net Visit us at www.ctcremationurns.com Again Melissa pleaded, "Five more minutes, Dad. Just five more minutes." The man smiled and said, "O.K." "My, you certainly are a patient father," the woman responded. The man smiled and then said, "Her older brother Tommy was killed by a drunk driver last year & B U S I NE S S C EN T ER while he was riding his bike near here. I never spent L O W E S T P R I C E S I N P O L K C O U N T Y much time with Tommy and now I'd give anything for just five more minutes with him. I've vowed not to All Units - Air Conditioned make the same mistake with Melissa. She thinks she All Units - Indoors US HWY 27 has five more minutes to ride her bike. The truth is, I starting /mO EZ Shell sTORAGE uNITS at $15 get Five more minutes to watch her play." Dundee Rd

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The Gift OPG 2002

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Anniversary. A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those pretty 4-wheel drive vehicles." "She did," he replied, "But where in the world was I going to find a fake jeep!!" SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.


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Dr. Seuss Explains: Why Computers Sometimes Crash (Read this to yourself aloud - it's GREAT!) If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report. If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double- clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!! If the label on the cable on the table at your house says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, you know it's gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro code instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom! WELL! That certainly clears things up for ME. David: My wife beats me, doctor. Doctor: Oh dear. How often? David: Every time we play Scrabble!


T e l l m e , W H AT ’ S a h O M E W I T H O U T A P E T ?

We'd love to be part of your family. Please take us home.

Beau Meet Beau, a handsome guy who cannot wait to spend forever with you. He is playful with teens, adults and seniors. His hobbies include climbing and playing with toys. Even though Beau is an active boy, he also enjoys quiet time.

Sue Ling She is Siamese if you please! Meet Sue Ling, a gorgeous, sweet cat who cannot wait to find her forever home. Got cats? No problem! Her former guardians said she is easygoing with other kitties. Sue is also friendly with children 6+.

Dana Dana is curious, friendly, and completely mellow. She is a little shy and her former guardians said she would do best in a home with older teens, adults or seniors. She likes car rides, fetch and tossing around toys. Come see her.

26

Hotel Pets

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote: I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night? An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too. I Don't Get It..... I've got 3 TVs, cable, & a satellite dish; I have 3 phone lines in the house, a cell phone & one in the car, plus a pager. I use 2 computers, 3 ISPs and a fax. I subscribe to two daily papers and one weekly one. I watch both the local and network news every evening. And my kids have the nerve to tell me I'm out of touch. have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. We have to belive in free will. We have no choice.

Sniper Sniper has been patiently waiting for you since February! This handsome boy is active, curious, playful and silly. He enjoys playing with toys and adores being petted. Sniper is house trained plus he knows "sit." He’ll love you forever!

Every pet is spayed or neutered, vaccinated, microchipped and sent home with Revolution, a topical flea and tick medication.

EXPIRES 6/30/14

Healthy Animals. Humane Communities

863-646-7722

www.spcaflorida.org

Adoption Center Closed Mondays

5850 Brannen Rd S, Lakeland, FL

EXPIRES 3/31/14


863-438-8007 863-521-3245

ADVERTISINGWORKS

27

“FASTER REFUNDS

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GER REPAIR N I S CENTER

new location 2824 Recker Hwy Winter Haven, Fl

SEWING & QUILTING CLASSES

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SELL IT HERE Do you have something to sell A car or a boat with a bell The Orange Peel Gazette is by far your best bet Try it, you bound to get well!

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The Proud Papa One day shortly after the birth of their new baby, the DIAMONDS • JEWELRY • RIFLES HAND GUNS • SHOTGUNS mother had to go out to do some errands. So the proud 863-676-4514 papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son.

Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of to do but the MAYER JEWELERS baby wouldn't stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor. After the Our 41th Year YOUR OLD GOLD CAN MAKE NEW JEWELRY doctor listened to the father all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the WE REPAIR ALL TYPES OF JEWELRY baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area. WE BUY GOLD, When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper is DIAMONDS & COINS indeed full. "Here's the problem", the Dr. said, "He needs a change." The father was very perplexed, "But 863-676-1317 the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs.!" FREE JEWELRY INSPECTIONS

s t t s u e C B

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BARBERSHOP

$1 OFF Haircut w/ad

Mon-Fri 8-5:30 • Sat 8-2

213 AHVENUE O SW OPE PLAZA WINTER HAVEN, FL

863-293-9433

The Day Off

Johnson goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "We're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff around ." "We're really short-handed, Johnson,"snapped his boss. "I can't give you the day off." "Thanks boss," says Johnson, "I knew I could count on you!" Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be eighty. Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now. Doctor: See, what did I tell you.


IMAGINE LIFE WITHOUT BARRY & THE LIBS!

28

NOW OPEN ~ NEW LOCATION

2195 E. EDGEWATER DRIVE, LAKELAND, FL

Freshwater & Saltwater Aquaria • Fish & Livestock Aquarium Set-Up & Service • Koi & Garden Ponds Backyard Birding • Nature Gifts & Toys

20% OFF

Your selection of Droll Yankees birding products and Wild Delight seed mixes. Any combination. In-stock only. No rain checks. Must bring ad or mention OPG. Expires 6/30/14

863-683-7333 • Mon-Sat 10am - 8pm • Sun Noon - 5pm wwwGoFish2O.com

New Moon Sushi Japanese Restaurant 44VTIJr4BTIBNJr5FNQVSBr5FSJZBLJ VTIJr4BTIBNJr5 Jr5FFNQVSBr5 VSBr5FFSJZBLJ O P E N

LUNCH

DINNER

Mon - Fri 11:30 - 2:00

Sun - Thurs: Thurs: 5:00 - 9:30 Fri - Sat: 5:00 - 10:00 $

5 OFF

a $30 purchase Coupon required. Dine-in only. only One coupon per tab table le party. par ty ty. Not valid valid with an anyy other offer off offer. er. Exp.. 6/30/14 Exp

$

10 1 0 OFF

a $50 purchase Coupon required. Dine-in only. only One coupon per table table party. par ty ty. Not valid valid with an anyy other offer off offer. er. Exp. Exp. 6/30/14

3&LORIDA!VE ,AKELANDs 3 &LORIDA!VE &LORIDA! VE ,AKELANDs863-647-1212 Palm P alm Center Mall, Ne Next xt to Big Lots

.EW-OON3USHICOMsFACEBOOKCOMNEWMOONSUSHI .E W-OON3USHICOMsFACEBOOKCOMNEWMOONSUSHI

Opg june 2014  

June 2014 Issue

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