Page 1

Est 2000

June 2018 Over

60,000 Readers Monthly

LAW GROUP, P.L. CHARLOTTE COMBS STONE

No News Is Good News

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

TREE TRIMMING TREE REMOVAL

If you have a tree problem, we have the solution. Call Today! ATTORNEY AT LAW

YARD DEBRIS?

We’ll pick it up and haul it away!

ESTATE PLANNING, PROBATE & ELDER LAW Licensed & Insured

QUICK & RELIABLE SERVICE

see our ad on page 5

863-439-5300 Mon-Fri 8-5 • Sat 9-1

30049 Hwy 27 s Lake hamilton, Florida www.flooringoflakehamilton.com

ME NT

Get

10%OFF ION

OPG

WE’LL TRANSFER YOUR OLD MOVIES, LJ’s P ICTURES OR S LIDES TO DVD OR VHS TAPES........................

Don’t Lose

Your Memories! 8MM OR 16MM FILm SUPER 8MM FILM VHS TAPES OR VHS-C CASSETTES MINI & REG DVD TAPES

863-859-2625

“Thank you for your trust Over 65 Years.” Clyde Foshee

Best combination of quality & Prices

commercial & residential

LJ’s

We’ll put your old Lp Records or Audio Tapes on CD

of Lake Hamilton

CARPET LAMINATE VINYL VCT HARDWOOD TILE

Vol.18, Issue 2

mention this ad

Car Wash &

Detail C e nte r Mon-Sat 8am-6pm

Expires 6/30/18

2 GIA Gemologists on staff at Foshee’s

CERTIFIED JEWELRY APPRAISALS

WE HANDLE JEWELRY

INSURANCE CLAIMS

863-686-3479 www.Foshee Jewelers.com

943 EAST PARKER ST., LAKELAND, FL

5126 US Hwy 98N Lakeland, FL

FREE CAR WASH WITH EVERY DETAIL

SENIOR DAY

EACH TUESDAY $9.99

DAILY SPECIAL

AND UP

SIMONIZE WASH $29.99

8 6 3 - 85 8 - 6 63 3


ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE

CHRIS SHOR SHORT T Service Ser vice Manager

• FREE Tire Rotation with an any y ser service vice - with this ad •W We e price matc match h tire deals

R RON ON SCO SCOTT TT P Parts ar ts & Ser Service vice Director

We •W e are competitive or less...c less...check heck us out •P Pay ay less and g get et more

Servicing Ser vicing Polk Polk County for for Decades

• GM cer certified tified tec techs hs

WE SER SERVICE VICE ALL MAKES ALL MODELS

• GM factor factory y suppor supportt

255 W V Van an Fleet Dr Drive, ive, Bar Bartow tow FL 33830 Hwy 98 South & SR 60 in Bar Bartow tow

(863) 534-1561 • kkelleybuickgmc.com elleybuickgmc.com

• GM factor factory y guaranteed par parts ts Dealership • Dealer ship warrantied ser service vice

2


ORANTHANKSGIVING GE PEEL GAZETTE HAPPY

3

FOR ALL YOUR SOD PRODUCTION NEEDS

8110 US 98 N, Lakeland, FL • 863-853-4247 • www.mstsodequipment.com Featuring Tractors from 23HP to 97HP Shuttle Shift Transmissions, Hydrostatic Transmissions. 4WD, loader, air conditioned cabs, open platform all with 5 year warranty. Come by and check out our inventory of tractors and Implements, Sales, Parts and Service. Low rate financing. Call Jason for a Demo!

NEW

LS XJ2025H 4WD TRACTOR

$18,450

Low rate financing available WAC

this month’s special

•Hydrostic Drive •25HP - 3Cylinder •Quick Attach Loader & Bucket

•4’ Modern Galvanized Box Blade & Cutter •16’ HD Carhauler Trailer with Ramps

The Way It Used To Be Grandpa: Boy, how many miles do you walk to school? Boy: About a half mile. Grandpa: When I was your age I walked eight miles to school every day. Boy, what are your grades like? Boy: they are mostly B's. Grandpa: When I was your age I got all A's. Boy, have you ever gotten into a fight? Boy: only two times and the boy beat me up. Grandpa: When I was your age I was in a fight every day. Boy, how old are you? Boy: 9 years old. Grandpa: When I was your age I was 11

You Need It A man walked into a restaurant and orders a chicken soup bowl a while later the waiter brings it to him. The old man quickly calls him back and says "waiter taste the soup" the waiter says "well what’s wrong with it" "just taste the soup" the old man insisted". "Well what's wrong with the soup is it too hot too cold, what"! "Just taste the soup said the old man". "Oh, all right where's the spoon".

City Slickers A New York family bought a ranch out west where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name. "Well," said the wouldbe-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J, my wife favored the Suzy-Q, one son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy_Y." "But, where are all your cattle?" "None have survived the branding."

•Quick Attach Loader/ Backhoe •25 HP Tractor Diesel •3 Range Hydro Transmission •5 Year Warranty

$23,995

Low rate financing available WAC

NEW

LS XG3025 4WD TRACTOR


ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE fresh fruit Indoor/Family Owned & Operated & Veggie platters LOCAL PRODUCE, HONEY, EGGS & MUCH MORE! for any party or event!

Amish Jams, Jellies, Bacon, Cheeses, Butter & More

326 HWY 60E (OLD PIZZA HUT BLDG) LAKE WALES, FL

CREDIT, DEBIT & EBT

863-223-8775

MON-SAT 9-6

Artis Bassett Hearing Aids

SALES & SERVICE

MELISSA K. CRAFT - HEARING AID SPECIALIST

OUR OFFICES ARE HOME TO THE MOST ADVANCED TECHNOLOGY IN THE REGION

FREE TESTS & EVALUATION 137 W. Hwy 60, Lake Wales, FL • 863-676-0616 Jack's Will Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads Jack's last will and testament: "To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and one million dollars. To my son Barry, I leave my big Lexus and the Jaguar. To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000. And to my brother-inlaw Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my sun lamp."

New School Term The start of the new school term always brings out the most interesting questions for computer consultants on campus. The predominant questions this term pertain to "getting into" E-mail and how to access the "Information Highway." An obviously distraught student came into the consulting office yesterday complaining that his E-mail wasn't working. His attempts to get tickets for an on-campus concert kept resulting in returned mail. He showed me the mail address he was attempting to reach. I asked him where he obtained such an unusual mail address. He replied, "The sign advertising the concert said, 'begins@7:30PM'."

Free Advice A rancher asked his veterinarian for some free advice. “I have a horse that walks normally sometimes, and sometimes he limps. What shall I do?” The Vet replied, “The next time he walks normally, sell him.”

4


PLEASE SUPPORT OUR “WOUNDED WARRIORS”

5

Visit us at plantcitybingo.com for coupons & information

PLAY OUR FIREBALL & NEW CANNONBALL • PROGRESSIVE JACKPOT PULL-TABS...STARTS @ $1,000 PLUS UP TO 36 CARDS TURBO UPGRADE 60 CARDS ONLY $13 MORE • SUPER SIZE YOUR TURBO $6 MORE

ALL PACKS $20

AUTO-DAB TURBOS

FRIDAYS $15 ALL PACKS TUESDAY, THURSDAY & FRIDAY 25 JACKPOTS 12/$250 13/$100 UP TO 36 CARDS $20

SUNDAY AFTERNOON

25 JACKPOTS - 12 / $250 • 13 / $100 DOORS OPEN 10:30 AM

SUPER SATURDAY 6/9 & 7/14 JACKPOTS : 21/$250 14/$100 COME EARLY DOORS OPEN 3PM FREE BONANZA BINGO JUST MENTION ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE

105 J-Arden Mays Downtown Plant City, FL

813-719-6568

Game promotions are subject to change. Please call for more information

My High-School English teacher was well known for CHARLOTTE COMBS STONE being a hard but fair grader. One day I received a B minus on a theme paper. In hopes of bettering my grade and in the spirit of the Valentine season, I sent her an LAW GROUP, P.L. extravagant heart-shaped box of chocolates with the pre- printed inscription, "Be Mine." The following day, Winter Haven •Sebring •Celebration I received in return a valentine from the teacher. It read: "Thank you, but it's still Be Mine-Us."

Hard Grader

Pizza Coupon

I sent my newly licensed 16 year-old son to pick up a pizza. I handed him a $20 bill, a $5.00 coupon and sent him on his way. About forty minutes later, the boy returned home with the pizza ... and the coupon! I asked the obvious question, "Why didn't you use the coupon?" "Dad, I had enough money. I didn't need the coupon." And, I was hoping he’d be a neuro-surgeon.

Liberal Sighting #803,778

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to down-sizing. Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

CONSULTATION: FREE

ATTORNEY AT LAW

Basic Will: $125 • Living Will: $50 Power of Attorney: $100 Health Care Surrogate: $75 Trust Packages: from $795

ESTATE PLANNING, PROBATE & ELDER LAW

314 Avenue K SE, Winter Haven, Florida in the offices of Professional Tax Consultants

863-439-4500

www.StoneLawGroupFL.com


Washington D.C. - D.C. really means Doesn’t Care FERGUSON CONSTRUCTION WINDOWS HIGHEST ENERGY EFFICIENT GLASS ON THE MARKET! Beat the heat with made in america

6

NOW ON SALE! W

I

N

D

O

W

AFFORDABLE ENERGY EFFICIENT WINDOWS LET IN THE LIGHT BUT KEEP OUT THE HEAT! The BEST Price + The BEST Contractor + A Lifetime Warranty = BEST Deal for YOU!

ENERGY SAVINGS YEAR AFTER YEAR NOW YOU CAN AFFORD A SCREEN ROOM .....NO MONEY DOWN AND ONLY

A MONTH

COMPLETE SATISFACTION GUARANTEED ON SCREEN ROOMS * CARPORTS * POOL ENCLOSURES * SKIRTING WOODEN DECKS * INSULATION PACKAGES * ROOF-OVERS VINYL SIDING, SOFFIT & FACIA * VINYL/ACRYLIC/GLASS WINDOWS RUGGED 2 AND 4-TRACK SCREEN SLIDERS FOR GARAGES

100% Financing AvailabLe!

RC 0049987 RR 0046367

WE WILL BEAT ANY COMPETITORS PRICE!

For A FREE Estimate Call Us Today!

CONSTRUCTION & ALUMINUM Licensed • Bonded • Insured

~ In God We Trust ~

Female Logic #2999

Lawyer Logic

I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

Liberal Helicopter Pilot

Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!" "I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."

After the helicopter crash, the liberal pilot was asked what happened. She replied, "It was getting chilly in there, so I turned the fan off." Why did the liberal stare at a frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said "concentrate"!

An old woman is upset at her husband’s funeral. "You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit." The mortician says, "We’ll take care of it, ma’am," and yells to the back, "Ed, switch the heads on two and four!"

Switch


METAL ROOFING

FERGUSON CONSTRUCTION ROOFING

7

#1 Distributor in Florida

METAL ROOFING

ADDING VALUE YOUR HOME.

A METAL ROOF CAN LAST A LIFETIME, PROTECTS A HOME FROM FIRE AND IS STRONG PROTECTION AGAINST EXTREME WEATHER.

ENVIRONMENTALLY A GOOD DECISION WITH ADDED ENERGY SAVINGS

WE USE

Advanced Quality and Expertise You Can Count On Rated #1 in shingle quality by home builders in 9 out of the last 11 years

100% Financing AvailabLe! WE WILL BEAT ANY COMPETITORS PRICE!

For A FREE Estimate Call Us Today!

RC 0049987 RR 0046367

The Best Warranty in the Business!

CONSTRUCTION & ALUMINUM Licensed • Bonded • Insured

~ In God We Trust ~

Baby Games

Strange Bar

When my wife quit work at the local library to take care of our new baby daughter, countless hours of peekaboo and other games slowly took their toll. One evening about a week ago she smacked her bare toes on the corner of a dresser and, grabbing her foot, sank to the floor. I rushed to her side and asked where it hurt. She looked at me through tear-filled eyes and managed to moan, "It's the piggy that ate roast beef." Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" -- Warren Hutcherson

A man walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "Cigarettes?" The bartender replies, "Sure, the cigarette machine is over there." So he walks over to the machine and the machine suddenly says, "You useless idiot." The man says with surprise in his voice, "That's not very nice." He returns to his bar stool and asks the bartender for some peanuts. The bartender passes the man a bowl of peanuts and one of the peanuts speak, "Ooh, I like your hair." The man says to the bartender, "Hey, what's going on here? Your cigarette machine is insulting me and this peanut is coming on to me. Why's this?" The bartender replies, "Oh, that's because the machine is out of order and the peanuts are complementary."


OPG’S MODERN MEDICINE

8

David Arango, M.D.

Chiropractic Center of Lakeland

ORTHOPEDICS & SPORTS MEDICINE INSTITUTE

For Your Good Health, Naturally 2390 Griffin Rd, Lakeland, FL

DR. STEPHEN JOHNSON DR. WILLIAM PALMER DR. SAMANTHA DENSTEDT

SPECIALIZING IN:

•FREE CONSULTATION •LATEST TECHNOLOGY •FREE X-RAY with this ad

We Offer Effective:

CHIROPRACTIC PHYSICIANS Ask about our TREATMENT SPECIALS Open 6 Days • Same Day Appointments MOST INSURANCE ACCEPTED Affordable Cash Plans • Se habla español Visit our website: www.cclchiro.com

863-859-0335 The Judge's Tie

At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court judge found a green tie that was a perfect match for one of her husband's sports jackets. Soon after, while the husband was hearing a complicated cocaine conspiracy case, he noticed a small round disc sewn into the design of the tie. The judge showed it to an FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a bug planted by the conspiracy defendants. The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters in Washington DC for analysis. Two weeks later, the judge phoned the Washington office to learn the results of their tests. "We're not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays 'Jingle Bells'."

Good Question

Bob couldn't believe it -- he'd made it to the last round of his favorite game show. "Congratulations, Bob," said the emcee. "Answer correctly and you go home with five million dollars! "This is a two-part question on American history," he continued. "The second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like first?" Bob figured he'd play it safe. "I think I'll try the second part of the question first." The emcee nodded approvingly, while the audience was silent with anticipation. "Okay, Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen?" Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important.

Spinal Disorders Auto Accidents Work Related Injuries

Epidural Spinal Injections Facet Joint Injections Trigger Point Injections 1120 Carlton Ave. Suite 1400, Lake Wales, FL 575 East Central Ave., Winter Haven, FL 1507 Lakeland Hills Blvd. Suite 107, Lakeland, FL

45

Phone: 863 324-6100

NEW PATIENT EXAM

$

with Xrays

00

IMPLANTS CROWNS $ Exam 0180, 330. Not valid with any other offer. Expires 6/30/18

649

2740. Not valid with insurance or other offer. Expires 6/30/18

950 1900

$

6010

REGULAR $

Abutments & Crowns not included Expires Not valid with any other offer.6/30/18

COUPON REQUIRED

W I T H AL L S P E C I A L O F F E RS

DENTURES UPPER OR LOWER

499

$

5110,5120. Not valid with any other offer. Expires 6/30/18

Dr. David E. Junca, D.D.S.

DN11827

23871 N. US HWY 27, Lake Wales, FL Call for Your Appointment

863-678-3177

www.juncadental.com

Does not apply to previously presented cases. Patient and any other person responsible for payment has the right to refuse to pay, cancel payment, or be reimbursed for payment for any other service, examination and treatment which is performed as a result and within 72 hours of responding to the advertisement for free service, discounted or reduced fee service, examination or treatment.


ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE

9

ALL MATTRESS SETS & RECLINERS, LOVESEATS & SOFAS MADE IN THE USA! QUEEN FIRM PILLOW TOP

ADJUSTABLE BEDS

OR

MATTRESS SET

LOWEST PRICES

$

399

6 pc. Bedroom Groups from $599 Headboards from $59

863.845.2025 863.8 45.2025

1806 1 806 1st 1st Street, Street, South Winter Ha Winter Haven ven FL 33880 Next Ne xt to Chick-FilChick-Fil-A A

50% OFF of select Dressers, Chests & Nightstands MURPHY CABINET BEDS SEVERAL COLORS

Sofas & Sofa Beds from $449 While supplies last!

End Tables, Benches & Much More!!!

5 PC DINETTES from $199

• 0% Financing A Available* vailable* • FREE La Layaway yaway

RECLINERS, LOVESEAT & SOFAS

*See sstore tore for for details details

Thanks for the Soda, Pop! Before I took the old family car to college, my father loaded the trunk with soft-drink bottles filled with oil, coolant and transmission fluid. Sure enough, my car overheated. Scolding myself for not listening to my father's instructions, I looked at the engine and saw how well he knew me. The oil cap was labeled Dr Pepper, the transmission stick, Coke, and the empty coolant container, Diet Pepsi. I finished the trip safely.

What a Card!

Father's Day was near when I brought my three-yearold son, Tyler, to the card store. Inside, I showed him the cards for dads and told him to pick one. When I looked back, Tyler was picking up one card after another, opening them up and quickly shoving them back into slots, every which way. "Tyler, what are you doing?" I asked. "Haven't you found a nice card for Daddy yet?" "No," he replied. "I'm looking for one with money in it."

Honey, What a Great Idea!

Some friends were hoping their second child would be a girl, and they even had a name picked out. The ultrasound didn't reveal the baby's sex, though, and since the expectant father had orders from the Navy to ship out before the due date, he told his wife, "We'd better pick out a boy's name, just in case." But when it was time for him to report for duty, they still hadn't decided. At sea a few weeks later, he got notification that his son, Justin Kase, had been born.


ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE

10

FREE HD PROGRAMS!

45-100 HD Channels

10%

with a Digital TV Antenna NO MONTHLY PAYMENT! YOU OWN IT!

OFF ALL WORK Mondays & Tuesdays

USE ONE ANTENNA FOR YOUR ENTIRE HOUSE!

Get all the local channels! Works great w/ Netflix! Perfect for “snowbirds�! Built for FL weather!

SELF INSTALLATION KITS FROM $169 1722 E. Edgewood Drive, Lakeland, Florida Est. 1974

863-686-4653 www.midfla.com

Airline Ticket Counter Working at an airline ticket counter, I pulled up a passenger's reservation that showed his name as "Cole, Pheven." "I'd like to be certain our information is correct," I said to him. "What is your first name?" "It's Stephen," he replied. "I hope the reservation agent got it right. I told him it's spelled with a ph."

Clueless Passenger As a jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system. "Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth 50,000 years ago at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep." The liberal passenger sitting next to me exclaimed: "Wow, look! It just missed the highway!"

Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes. One thing you can give and still keep....is your word.


ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE

69,900

$

Stop and Smell the Softener I had spent the late winter months waiting impatiently for signs of spring. When the first warm, sunny Saturday arrived, I eagerly unlocked the storm door and stepped onto our patio deck. I was pleased by the sight of green sprouts and the sounds of singing birds. More than anything else, I delighted in the sweet aroma of the spring air. Knocking on the kitchen window, I beckoned to my wife to join me in enjoying the pleasures of the season. She quietly brought me back to earth when she reminded me that I was standing over the dryer vent, inhaling the scent of fabric softener.

Your Sunday Best Our daughter, an ROTC cadet, was ordered to Fort Indiantown Gap in Pennsylvania for field exercises. Since it was the Easter season, she requested permission to attend church services on Palm Sunday. The troops were in the field at the time, so the commanding officer agreed only if there happened to be a church in the vicinity of their maneuvers. When a small country church was seen along the road, our daughter entered quietly, hoping to be unnoticed in spite of her leaf-andbranch camouflage. But all eyes turned upon her as a small child cried in amazement, "Look, somebody came as a palm!" Mom Taught Me About Envy: "There are millions of less fortunate kids in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you

11


ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE

12

Friday Dinner 5-7 Full Menu

Sunday Brunch 11-2

At the Salon In dire need of a beauty make-over, I went to my salon with a fashion magazine photo of a gorgeous, young, lustrous-haired model. I showed the stylist the trendy new cut I wanted and settled into the chair as she began humming a catchy tune and got to work on my thin, graying hair. I was delighted by his cheerful attitude until I recognized the melody. It was the theme from "Mission: Impossible."

At the Restaurant

We took the family to one of those restaurants where the walls are plastered with movie memorabilia. I went to see the hostess about reserving a table. When I returned, I found my 11-year-old daughter staring at a poster of Superman standing in a phone booth. She looked puzzled. "Doesn't she know who Superman is?" I whispered to my husband. "Worse," he replied, "she doesn't know what a phone both is."

Slow Bank Line With only two tellers working at the bank, the line I was standing in was moving very slowly. As I waited, I began to fill in my withdrawal slip. Not sure of the date, I turned and asked the woman behind me. "It's the fifth," she replied. From the back of the line a man advised, "Don't write it in yet!" “Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.� -Maryon Pearson


ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE Lake Miriam

13

We are here when you need us!

TOP DOLLAR PAID FOR GOLD, SILVER & DIAMONDS Mon-Fri 8:30am-6pm

Sat 9am-4am

EXPERT JEWELRY REPAIR WE ALSO PAWN

FIREARMS 5359 South Florida Ave. Lakeland, Florida

863-646-5797

www.lakemiriampawn.com Light Up My Life One of my husband's colleagues at General Electric was taking Lamaze classes with his wife in preparation for the birth of their baby. The first evening, couples were asked to introduce themselves and state their occupations. A banker, a lawyer and a psychologist spoke up, and our factory-worker friend began to feel intimidated. Finally his turn came. Rising to his feet, he said, "Hi! I'm Bill." Looking down at his pregnant wife, he quipped, "I work at GE, and I bring good things to life!"

I Saw This Story Already... One afternoon while I was visiting my library, I noticed a group of preschoolers gathered for story time. The book they were reading was There Was an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly. After the librarian finished the first page, she asked the children, "Do you think she'll die?" "Nope," a little girl in the back said. "I saw this last night on Fear Factor."

Organic Vegetables My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn’t find any. So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, “These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?” “The produce guy looked at me and said, “No. You’ll have to do that yourself.” “Old age ain't no place for sissies.” -Bette Davis-

Licensed • Insured

& “LIGHTNING LOADER” DEBRIS REMOVAL

CLEAN - EFFICIENT NO TRUCKS ON YOUR LAWN THE BEST FOR LESS! ...TELL A FRIEND!

863-682-4235•863-370-6067

ALUMINUM and CONCRETE

SCREEN ROOMS •WINDOW ROOMS •REMODELING ADDITIONS •ROOF - OVERS •CARPORTS •GARAGES

863-967-9776 863-984-6853

Office:

Fax:

CONSTRUCTION

Lic # CBC1259246


ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE ty

n Door - Window Repair & Replacement ou C Kitchen & Bath Remodeling olk P t Painting - Interior & Exterior Eas g Flooring & Tile Work in Plumbing Electrical Serv 25 Years Decks & Porches Experience Wall Papering Licensed & Insured Dry Wall Email: jfendone@yahoo.com “Handyman” Repair Services

CE

K & L Potty Pooper, LLC

N A N

E T N

O R P

L L

I A M

ABOVE GROUND POOL REMODELS

A 10% OFF

Exp 6/30/18

863-221-2916

NEW INSTALLATIONS • LEAK DETECTION LINERS REPAIRED & LINER REPLACEMENTS NEW FILTER REPLACEMENTS & SAND CHANGES ABOVE GROUND POOL COVERS & PILLOWS

A-F-A-B Pools, Inc•863-514-0322

FREE ESTIMATES

CPO Certified & Insured

Eadams63@tampabay.rr.com

Spring Fever One spring day I was taking the roll in my secretarial class at our local technical college. One of the sun worshipers was absent. "Cindy won't be here this afternoon?" I asked. "She went home to lay in the sun," a young woman in the front row answered. Trying to correct her grammar without embarrassing her before the class, I whispered, "Lie." “Okay," she replied in astonishment. "Cindy got sick and went home."

The Right Choice My 16-year-old brother, Ryan, was out late with friends one night. Suddenly he realized it was Father's Day and he had neglected to buy a card for our dad. After much searching, Ryan located an open store, but was disappointed to find only two cards left on a picked-over rack. Selecting one, he brought it home and, somewhat sheepishly, presented it to our father. Upon opening it, Dad read this message: "You've been like a father to me." He looked at Ryan, puzzled. "Well, Dad," Ryan tried to explain, "it was either that or the card that said, 'Now that I'm a father too!'"

Liberal Sighting #20,091 I live in A semi-rural area had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Too many deer were being hit by cars and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.

14

VIP Restroom Rental Any Event That Needs a Potty! Weddings • Parties • Outdoor Venues For more information call or email to:

863.640.0093 klpottypooper@gmail.com


Since 1988

ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE

SPECIALIZED ALUMINUM REPAIRS

MOBILE HOME SPECIALISTS

50% OFF LAST OF SEASON

ALL VINYL WINDOW & SCREEN REPAIRS

40%

OFF

While Supplies Last

ACT NOW! FREE ESTIMATES

Call Scott Graham

863-513-7575

SENIOR & MILITARY DISCOUNTS

15

NEW EXTENDED HOURS

W I N E

B

E E R

Sunday - Tuesday 7:30am - 4:00pm Wednesday -Saturday 7:30am - 9:00pm

CATERING FOR ALL OCCASIONS 863-853-9222 1/4 Rack of Baby Back Ribs $ w French Fries or Cole Slaw 9.99 12160 US HWY 98 N, LAKELAND, FL Offers Expire 6/30/18

2 MILES NORTH OF ROCK RIDGE RD

No. 1 on Our List -- Literally! My father was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless someone prepared a meal for him. When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to go to the supermarket for her. She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items. Dad returned shortly, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack the grocery bags. He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, three hams, four boxes of detergent, five boxes of crackers, six eggplants, and seven green peppers.

Fine Print Father My daughter and her husband, Monte, had flown to visit me, and he held their baby in his arms as the passengers stood to deplane. Noticing the baby's shirt, which said "Little Terror," a woman commented, "I think it's awful to have your child wear something like that." "But it's true," Monte replied. "Well," the woman persisted, "I wouldn't advertise it." A moment later, he shifted the infant a bit, and the woman exclaimed, "Oh, his shirt says 'Little Terror.' I thought it said 'Little Error.' "

Inflation Fighter A director decided to award a prize of $1,000 for the best idea for saving the company money during the recession. It was won by a young executive who suggested reducing the prize money to $100. “A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.” -Rhonda Hansome-


ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE

CONVERT VINYL LINERS TO FIBERGLASS OR CONCRETE POOL SHELLS

863-668-8660 www.bnlpool.net

COMMERCIAL POOLS

"

#! !

Exposed Aggregate Finish • Expert Repair Service Pool, Deck, Patio & Driveway Resurfacing Fiberglass Sand & Reseal • Brick Paver Installation Automatic Swimming Pool Covers Drain & Clean Tile, Regrouting & Replacement Spa Heater • Salt Chlorination • Vinyl Liners

ART’S

#CPC1458157 #CPC1456633, FSPA Licensed - Bonded - Insured y alit Qu ork W

T RA N S M I SS I O N & T I R ES

COMPLETE SERVICE CENTER GENERAL REPAIRS Computer Diagnostics 863-686-7400

Monday Friday 8am-5pm

805 Kathleen Rd, Lakeland, FL

16

Professional Tax Consultants, Inc.

INCOME TAX PREPARATION

A Firm of Enrolled Agents FEDERAL - ANY STATE - BUSINESS

ACCOUNTING & PAYROLL SERVICE using OuickBooks

Winter Haven 314 Avenue K SE Monday - Thursday 9am to 6 pm

863.294.5462

Lakeland

2054B E.Edgewood Dr by Appointment at this location

863.669.9690

Auto Shopping PO BOX 1631, Dundee, FL 33838 863-438-8007•opg1@verizon.net

Robert & Linda Archetto Publishers, Editors, Janitors

ACCOUNT EXECUTIVES Norman Roy • Martha Theriault CONTRIBUTORS: Ernie Finocchio • Ron Yost

Information gathered herein is from sources considered reliable....maybe. Accuracy however is another thing. All humorous stories and jokes appearing here are intended for entertainment purposes only and are not meant to disrespect or harm any group or individuals. If anyone is offended by any content herein -“get over it”. If you would like to contribute we take money or if you prefer jokes, make sure they can be cut and pasted computer-like. I don’t type. Any political leanings construed from any material herein is what it is. This publication is neither Republican, Democrat, Green, Fascist, Communist, Socialist, Theocratic, Chocolate, Vanilla or Strawberry. However the Orange Peel Gazette is anti-stupidity (self serving Politicos for example - Obama,Hilary, all liberals and the Republican Establishment... or,....people who call or write or email me cause I made a spelling errrorr or because my views are right and theirs are wrong - Don’t waste your time.) Capitalists are always welcome here. Bill Maher is not. God Bless America! Enjoy.

ABSOLUTELY NO SOCIALISTS ALLOWED! EVER!

A woman whose fondness for the good life had taken its toll in added pounds - and girth - was being shown a Jeep by a salesman at an auto dealership. When the salesman's pitch had run its course, he sought to close with the typical line, "Now what would it take to get you into one of these?" Looking at the Jeep's high front seat, the woman replied, "Probably a crowbar."

The Bad Drummer As a nightclub owner, I hired a pianist and a drummer to entertain my customers. After several performances, I discovered that the drummer had walked away with some of my valuables. I notified the police and he was arrested. Desperate for another drummer, I called a friend who knew some musicians. "What happened to the drummer you had?" he asked me. "I had him arrested," I replied. We said good-bye and hung up. A few minutes later my friend called back and asked, "How badly did he play?"

Audi Alteram Parten During a Law course class, the 'Audi Alteram Parten' rule was explained. Translated it means "To hear the other party". After discussing the subject at great length, the lecturer asked if there was anyone who didn't understand the rule. Responded one man, "My wife".


863-438-8007 863-521-3245

Bartow

CALL IN SICK, GO GOLFING! Golf Course

OAKWOOD GOLF CLUB

190 Idlewood Ave., Bartow, FL

UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT

REDOING GREENS MID JUNE - MID AUGUST

9 HOLES AVAILABLE UNTIL COMPLETION

PLAY 9 TWICE FOURSOME SPECIAL $80 GOLF AND A PITCHER OF BEER

Call for Rates & TeeTimes 533-9183 Mulligan’s Restaurant SEASONAL HOURS - effective November 6, 2017 Breakfast 7am – 11am • Lunch 11am – 4pm Bar Menu 11:00 - Close

3301 Old Lake Wales Rd,

Lake Wales, FL

ENJOY A RELAXING ROUND OF GOLF WITH US

18 Holes

Before 1:00 pm $25.00 Group of 12 or more $20.00

After 1:00 pm $15.00 FOR TEE TIMES CALL

863-676-8558 Magnificent Golf, Superb Course Conditions & Outstanding Service

Sid And Barney Play Golf Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Sid offers Barney, "let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day." Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. "Help me find my ball, you look over there," he says to Sid. After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces triumphantly. Sid looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?!?" "What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!" "And a liar, too!!!" Sid says with amazement. "I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!"

Elephant Memory

An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river. “What did you do that for?” asked a passing giraffe. “Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago.” “Wow, what a memory” commented the giraffe. “Yes,” said the elephant, “turtle recall”.

17

C a l l f or Tee Times!

863-420-1724

500 HIGHLANDS RESERVE BLVD DAVENPORT, FLORIDA 5 miles north of I-4 & Hwy 27

GOLF ‘n’ DOG SPECIALS

32

Florida Resident

$

00

35

Non-Florida Resident

$

00

50% OFF RENTALS

RANGE BALLS - BUY ONE GET ONE Plus Tax. Not valid with any other offer Valid June 1-30, 2018


863-438-8007 863-521-3245

TAKE THE DAY OFF. GOLF!

Highland Florida GOLF CLUB

18

GOLF PROFESSIONAL CHARLEY RILEY FOURSOME SPECIAL

FOURSOME SPECIAL

Mon - Fri 18 Holes Cart & Green Fees

Weekends 18 Holes Cart & Green Fees

EVERY DAY 18 HOLES

EVERY DAY 9 HOLES

$

60

plus tax

Not valid with any other offer. Expires 6/30/18

25

$

80

plus tax

Not valid with any other offer. Expires 6/30/18

15

CART & GREEN FEES plus tax $

CART & GREEN FEES plus tax $

Not valid with any other offer. Expires Expires 6/30/18

Not valid with any other offer. Expires 6/30/18

PRO SHOP 863-679-9478

1503 Highland Park Dr, Lake Wales, FL Scenic Hwy., 2 miles south of Lake Wales Enter at Village of Highland Park 911 Dispatcher Part of my job as a 911 dispatcher is to interrogate callers who are in various states of panic so I can send the appropriate emergency equipment. One day a woman called to say that a family member had fallen and needed to go to a hospital. After finding out where she lived and assuring her that the paramedics would arrive shortly, I asked her, "Do you know what caused the fall?" "No," the woman nervously replied. "What?"

The Bee Sting A man to the doctor shouting & screaming in pain “Please doctor I’ve been stung by a bee.” DOCTOR: “Don’t worry; I’ll put some cream on it.” MAN: “You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now.” DOCTOR: “No you don’t understand! I’ll put some cream on the place you were stung.” MAN: “Oh! it happened in the garden where I was sitting under a tree” DOCTOR (in anger): “No, no you IDIOT! I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting.” MAN (still screaming in pain): “On my finger! The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts” DOCTOR (banging his fist and shouting): “Which one?” MAN (innocently): “How am I to know? All bees look the same to me.” A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Golf Course • Restaurant Tennis • Weddings/Events

Premier 18 Hole Championship Donald Ross Golf Course

SEASON RATES BEFORE 1:00 $39 AFTER 1:00 $32 Call for Tee Times

863 676-2422 ARRIVE EARLY AND TAKE ADVANTAGE OF OUR OUTSTANDING PRACTICE FACILITIES AND SPEND SOME TIME WARMING UP.

2925 Highway 60 E Lake Wales, FL


Joe’s

863-438-8007 863-521-3245

19

DON’T STOP SMOKING UNTIL TAX SERVICE Emma T’s YOU’RE READY. HYPNOSIS 1040 Consignment TO MAKE YOU A REAL EXPRESS 2nd Hand Store 319 Third Street NW NON - SMOKER Winter Haven, FL

UNIQUE & ANTIQUE 4936 Hwy 92 E., Lakeland FL Tues-Wed 9-4 • Thurs-Fri 10-3 Sat 10-4 • Sun 10-3

OPGBUSINESS DIRECTORY JIM BUCKLAND C.H.

Certified Hypnosis Practitioner

863-241-3135

Ariana F R U I T T R E E S ! TIRE CENTER Lakeland Tropicals

OVER 200 TYPES OF

open 9-5 mon-sat

1945 W. Ariana St., Lakeland, FL 863-274-4420

TOMATOS • VEGETABLES • PLANTS

MENTION AD 10% OFF

935 Schoolhouse Rd 863-644-1909 Mango•Peach•Plum•Avocado•Sugar Apple Soursop and much more..........

TIRES & SERVICE

DOWNTOWN IN THE OLD TIME SQUARE BUILDING

Monday-Thursday 9am-8pm Fri Fri 9am-6pm • Sat 9am-2pm

863-293-1413

$5 OFF

Purchase of $20

346 Havendale Blvd., Auburndale, FL

*regular priced items only. exp 6/30/18

863-662-5843

WILLIE AUTOMOTIVE window tinting

1605 S. Combee Rd, Lakeland, FL

OIL & FILTER CHANGE Mon-Fri 8:30-5:00

auto •home •business

trucks. Excludes diesels & synthetic.. $2 disposal fee

FIRST TIME CUSTOMERS ONLY.

863-665-0101

NOT VALID WITH ANY OTHER OFFER. EXPIRES 6/30/18

STOPS HERE

MASSAGE THERAPY

ALL NEW CLIENTS RECEIVE A 1 HOUR MASSAGE FOR $45. SCHEDULE YOUR MASSAGE TODAY! Shirley Barrett LMT MA57383

Please Support Them!

635 Schoolhouse Rd, Lakeland, FL

863-332-9936

Over 100 types of Honey, Jelly, Jams & GRAND Preserves & Cheeses, Meats & Bee Pollen OPENING 300 lakeshore way south Downtown lake alfred, Fl

FRESH AMISH BUTTER

2 lbs / $10

1 sale/customer • exp 5/31/18

Married To A Liberal A liberal guy and a normal girl were happily married, believe it or not, and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the liberal guy rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys. The liberal guy turned to his wife in an angry liberal hissy fit and said, "All right, who's the other father?" Q. Why did the liberal have TGIF printed on her shoes? A.Toes go in first....

Parul’s BEAUTY & BOUTIQUE

M-F 10-6 • Sat 10-4

321-689-6630

MICROBLADDING

Indian Clothes•Alterations Parul Patel $5 OFF Cosmetologist EYEBRO(NeWw CustTomeHrs oRnlyE) ADING 1543 S. Combee Rd, 407-968-6090 Lakeland, FL


BEAUTIFUL ANTIQUES & A GREAT CHINESE BUFFET

LUNCH $10.95

DINNER $15.39

20

June 2018 fb  
June 2018 fb  
Advertisement