Page 1

Est. 2000

Orange Peel Gazette

DECEMBER 2013

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Seniors Tax Return RY

I just received an audit on my tax return for 2012 back from the IRS. It puzzles me!!! They are questioning how many dependents I claimed. I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?" I replied: 12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 42 million unemployed people on food stamps, 2 million people in over 243 prisons; Half of Mexico ; and 535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate." 1 useless President. Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer. I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO The Hell DID I MISS?

Merry Christmas

Another Talking Dog Joke RY A guy walks into a bar with a dog. He claims the dog can talk. "Give me a beer and I'll show you." The bartender slides a beer to him and the man asks the dog, "Fido, what is that above our heads?" The dog says, "Roof!" The irritated bartender says, "That's not talking, he sounds like any other dog." The man says, "OK, how about this - Fido, who was the best baseball player of all time?" The dog says, "Ruth!" The bartender throws the man and the dog out of the bar. Fido says to the man, "Ya think I should'a said DiMaggio?" Mary: My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor. Doctor: Oh, really? Mary: Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!

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With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, "Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?" "No," said her husband. She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down and pulled out a crumpled $20 bill. He took the crumpled $20 bill from her, and smiled approvingly. She then asked him, "Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up?" "Uh... no, I haven't," he said … with an anxious tone in his voice. She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and ... and pulled out a crumpled $50 bill. He took the crumpled $50 bill, and started breathing a little quicker, with anticipation. "Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars .. all crumpled up?" "No way!" he said … while obviously becoming even more and excited. "Well, then”, she said. … go look in the garage".

Did You Know #94 ESA At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in 'pints' and who was drinking in 'quarts,' hence the phrase 'minding your 'P's and 'Q's'. "I make my practices real hard ........ because if a player is a quitter.....I want him to quit in practice, not in a game." - Bear Bryant / Alabama

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Putting Things In Perspective RY March 21, 2010 to October 1, 2013 -is 3 years, 6 months, 10 days. December 7, 1941 to May 8, 1945 is 3 years, 5 months, 1 day. What this means is that in the time we were attacked at Pearl Harbor to the day Germany surrendered is not enough time for this federal government to build a working webpage. Mobilization of millions, building tens of thousands of tanks, planes, jeeps, subs, cruisers, destroyers, torpedoes, millions upon millions of guns, bombs, ammo, etc. Turning the tide in North Africa, Invading Italy, D-Day, Battle of the Bulge, Race to Berlin - all while we were also fighting the Japanese in the Pacific!! And our government can't build a webpage, not to mention an improved, working, healthcare insurance & delivery system. Dear God, take me back to 1950 !

Did You Know #65 ESA

Personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bee's wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions. When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman's face she was told, 'mind your own bee's wax.' Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term 'crack a smile'. In addition, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt. Therefore, we now have the expression 'losing face.'

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Weight Lifting?

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The father was doubtful of his son's sudden interest to become Charles Atlas. Nevertheless he went with the teenager to the weight-lifting department. "Please, Dad," begged the boy, "I promise I'll use them every day...." "I'm not so sure, Danny. You may lose interest in the equipment," his father was quick to point out. "Ahhhh please, Dad?" "Besides, it's quite an expense," the father added. "I promise, Dad, I'll use them...." Danny finally won, and his Dad paid for the equipment. As the father was leaving the department, he heard his son call out..."What! You mean I have to carry this stuff to the car?" The longest sentence known to man: "I do."

•"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." Mary Ann - age 4 •"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." Lauren - age 4 •"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken." Elaine-age 5 •"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." Chris - age 7 Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A. A nervous wreck.


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GOOD THRU DECEMBER 31

The Secret Language of Women (Men should probably commit this to memory...) Fine: This is the word women use at the end of any argument that they feel they are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use "fine" to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments. Five minutes: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before we take out the trash, so they feel that it's an even trade. Nothing: This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine." Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine." Go Ahead (normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off. A woman asks a man who is traveling with six children, "Are all these kids yours?" The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints".

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1120 Carlton Ave. Suite 1400, Lake Wales, FL A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The 575 East Central Ave., Winter Haven, FL doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was 1507 Lakeland Hills Blvd. Suite 107, Lakeland, FL born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he Phone: 863 324-6100 can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant 'Take another drink!' The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, 'Take another drink! Take another drink!!' The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes. By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, (Youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re gonna hate me) â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;He should've quit while he was a head.â&#x20AC;&#x2122; Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed? A: Because he had low elf esteem.


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One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!' His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out. 'Cathy', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?' She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!

Donations RY A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, D.C. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?" "Terrorists have kidnapped the entire U.S. Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations." "How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks. The man replies, "Roughly a gallon." If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the airport. ~ Jonathan Winters

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Sheer Nightgown RY A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy ), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.' She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!' He never heard the shot. Funeral on Thursday at noon. Closed casket.

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www.superiorfenceandrail.com Fear No Evil! RY A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.. So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?' The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.' 'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked. 'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.. 'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan. 'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone. 'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.. 'Yep,' was the calm reply. 'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan. 'Nope,' said the old man More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'. The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'

Did You Know #32 ESA Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A proper and dignified woman, as in 'straight laced' wore a tightly tied lace. "Iron Law of Distribution" Them that has, gets.

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Woman Shot In Her Own Driveway RY Linda Burnett, 26, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and, while there, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered. Linda is a blonde, an Obama supporter, but that could all be a coincidence. The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date was from 2007; so, it was determined to be Bush's fault. Sacred cows make the best burgers.

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Salesmanship During a magazine and newspaper subscription drive, our son Philip, a paperboy, learned about good salesmanship. His supervisor had instructed the kids to maintain a positive attitude, even when turned down. One potential customer told Philip, "I've got papers and magazines strewn all over the place -- I don't need any more." Philip's reply? "Well, how about a subscription to Good Housekeeping?"

Sign in a Pennsylvania Cemetery “Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.” "The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it." Lou Holtz / Arkansas Seriously,is there a reason for Harry Reed?

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Dubious Sand Bags At The Border Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand" answered Juan. The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand" says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico. "Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?" Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles." Lotta self-help tapes out there. Got one called How to Handle Disappointment. I got it home and the box was empty Do the right thing. Offend an atheist!

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Doctors Look At Obamacare EJF The American Medical Association has weighed in on Obama's new health care package. The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve. Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!" The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow. The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter". The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the liberal asses in Washington. Q: If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called? A: A subordinate claus. Q: Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace? A: He wanted to sleep like a log.

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Car Keys RY Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion.His theory was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, Honey," I stammered; ( I always call him "honey" in times like these.) “I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen." There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice. "Are you kidding' me", he barked, "I dropped you off"!!! Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said,"Well, come and get me." He retorted,"I will, as soon as I convince this cop I didn't steal your car." Q: What's a good holiday tip? A: Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter. Q: What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh? A: Santa caught in a revolving door!

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UP North #662 ESA Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's 1846/1848 James L. Redman Pkwy, Plant City, Fl relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Open 6 Days a Week (closed Tuesdays) â&#x20AC;˘ Doors Open 10am Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during the detailed analysis it was noted 5 FREE GAMES BEGIN EVERY DAY AT 11 AM that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues, it was REGULAR GAMES BEGIN AT 11:30 AM determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by Play for as little as a quarter impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car. MTA then hired an Ornithological SPEEDY AND SPECIAL EVERY HOUR Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disGUARANTEED $50 SPECIAL AT THE TOP OF EACH HOUR. proportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. 2 WINNER TAKE ALL GAMES DAILY! $250 JACKPOTS DAILY The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded â&#x20AC;&#x153;NEWâ&#x20AC;? SUPER SATURDAY, FIRST OF EVERY MONTH! the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that, while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout FRIDAY & SATURDAY NIGHTS 6PM -? "Truck." $ Q: What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of JACKPOT @ 8:30 PM WITH A minimum NUMBER OF PLAYERS chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? A: Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer! Q: What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas? A: Forty feet of track - all straight!

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Just a Few More Reasons Why Men are Never Depressed Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades! You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

Dictionary for Women Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet. Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner." Blonde jokes (blond jokes) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them. Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church. Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks. Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms. Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game. Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? A: Frostbite.

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More Dictionary for Women Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase. Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store. Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician." Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon. Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..." Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...! Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide. Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers." Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it. Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but you are happy to get a card. Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast? A:Snowflakes. Q: What nationality is Santa Claus? A: North Polish


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Jump Start About five years ago, the battery in my beat-up VW beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30 MPH for it to start. She said fine, hoped into her car and drove off. I sat there fuming and wondering, "What can she be doing?" A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rearview mirror coming at me at about 40 MPH, I realized that I should have been a bit more clear with my directions.

Repetition

A boss was educating an employee on effective sales technique. "The main thing to remember is that repetition, repetition, repetition is the keynote!" he advised. "If you have a product to sell, keep harping on it in every possible way, cram it down people’s throats and beat them over the head with it! Above all, don't ever forget to repeat and repeat and repeat! It’s the only way to get results!" "Yes, sir!" the employee answered. "And now, what was it you came in to see me about?" the boss asked. The employee replied, "A Raise! A Raise! A Raise! A Raise! A Raise!


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MERRY CHRISTMAS

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Obama And The Cashier EJF President Obama walks into a local bank in Chicago to cash a check. He is surrounded by Secret ...Service agents. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?" Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?" Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barack Obama, the President of the United States of AMERICA !!!!" Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of 9/11, impostors, forgers, money laundering, and bad mortgage underwriting not to mention requirements of the Dodd/Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID." Obama: “Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am." Cashier: "I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them." Obama: "I am urging you, please, to cash this check. I need to buy a gift for Michelle for Valentine’s Day" Cashier: "Look Mr. President, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into one of our bank branches without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a coffee cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.” “Another time, Andre Agassi came into the same place without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where as the tennis ball landed in a coffee cup. With that shot we cashed his check. So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?" Obama: Obama stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do and I don’t have a clue.” Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?. Q: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper? A: Ribbon hood.

O RANGE P EEL G AZETTE D ISCLAIMER

Information gathered herein is from sources considered reliable....maybe. Accuracy however is another thing. All humorous stories and jokes appearing here are intended for entertainment purposes only and are not meant to disrespect or harm any group or individuals. If anyone is offended by any content herein -“get over it”. If you would like to contribute we take money or if you prefer jokes, make sure they can be cut and pasted computer-like. I don’t type. Any political leanings construed from any material herein is your hang up, This publication is neither Republican, Democrat, Green, Fascist, Communist, Socialist, Theocratic, Chocolate, Vanilla or Strawberry. However the Orange Peel Gazette is anti-stupidity (self serving Politicos for example, liberals and anyone else agreeing with Obama or,....people who call or write or email me cause I made a spelling errrorr. If you feel the need to correct me - Don’t, I don’t care.) Hey, it could all be your fault or George Bush’s.... ask Obama, he thinks so ... it’s on his teleprompter ...ask him... Enjoy!!!!

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ACTUAL HEADLINES

•Teacher Strikes Idle Kids •Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim •Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 •Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax •Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told •Miners Refuse to Work after Death


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Gift Disappointment The rich aunt was disappointed and said to her nephew, "I'm sorry you don't like your gift. I asked you if you preferred a large check or a small check." "I know, Auntie," the nephew said contritely, "but I didn't know you were talking about neckties."

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Feeding Time There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig. The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment. Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, "This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!" The farmer looked puzzled and replied, "What's time to a pig?"

Excellent Grades When Suzy got home, she told her dad that she got a 100 in school. Her dad told her to sit down and tell him all about it. She said, "Well, I got a 20 in math, a 30 in science, and a 50 in spelling!

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1) Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park." 2) Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle. 3) Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter. 4) Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day". 5) Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month. 6) "Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo. 7) The only expense covered 100% is embalming.

Volunteers On the way back to New York as I was sitting in the Phoenix airport, they announced that a flight to Las Vegas was full. The airline was looking for volunteers to give up their seats. In exchange, they'd give you a $100 voucher for your next flight and a first class seat in the plane leaving an hour later. About eight people ran up to the counter to take advantage of the offer. About 15 seconds later all eight of those people sat down grumpily as the lady behind the ticket counter said, "If there is anyone else OTHER than the flight crew who'd like to volunteer, please step forward."

Famous Work Sayings A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines. --Frank Lloyd Wright


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Page 29

This year experience the joy of Christmas. Let Santa’s Helpers take the stress out of your holiday season. Sit back and relax as we decorate your Christmas tree, deck your halls and light up your home. Santa’s Helpers provide complete assistance from installation to removal incorporating your currently owned decorations or providing you with a completely new display. Set up an Appointment Today

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A girl, who was not quite four years old, was alone $ + tax in the house when the phone rang. She answered it and TEE TIME SUGGESTED Expires 12/31/13 was told that Mr. Brown was calling. "I'm sorry, no one is here. Can I take a message?" she said. Mr. Brown Leagues Welcome 863-635-2676 • 863-635-1344 replied, "Certainly." After a pause, Mr. Brown heard, "O.K., I'm ready. Who did you say this is?" "Mr. Brown." "How do you spell Brown?" "B-r-o-w-n." A long pause, and then, "How do you make a B?"

Take A Message

A Baseball Story This story was related by a baseball announcer, who attributed it to Honus Wagner. Way back when Honus played, they didn't have stadium lights and when it got dark, you couldn't see what you were doing very well. One time, he was playing in the outfield and the ball was hit his way, but he just lost it in the darkness. Fortunately, a rabbit was running by at the time and he grabbed it and threw it to first for the out. This was the very first time anyone was ever thrown out by a hare.

Urges and Feelings A father spoke to his son, "It's time we had a little talk my son. Soon you will have urges and feelings you've never had before. Your heart will pound and your hands will sweat. You'll be preoccupied and won't be able to think of anything else." He added, "But don't worry, it's perfectly normal ... it's called golf."

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863-438-8007 9-5 Mon - Fri The Truth The editor of a small country newspaper, furious over several government bills that had recently been passed, printed a scathing editorial with an enormous headline: "HALF THE LEGISLATORS ARE CROOKS". Many local politicians were outraged and exerted tremendous pressure on him to print a retraction. He finally gave in to the pressure and ran his apology with the headline: "HALF THE LEGISLATORS ARE NOT CROOKS".

Telephone Mishap

A woman was at home with her children when the telephone rang. In going to answer it, she tripped on a rug, grabbed for something to hold on to and seized the telephone table. It fell over with a crash, jarring the receiver off the hook. As it fell, it hit the family dog, who leaped up, howling and barking. The woman's three-year-old son, startled by this noise, broke into loud screams. The woman mumbled some colorful words. She finally managed to pick up the receiver and lift it to her ear, just in time to hear her husband's voice on the other end say, "Nobody's said hello yet, but I'm positive I have the right number."

Quotes Of The Month

•"You know you had a bad day when a company you bought for $3.5 billion just last year couldn't even buy you a Happy Meal today." -- Ombudsmen on Mattel's giveaway of The Learning Company

Page 30

I Draw Attention to Your Business Decorate your windows!

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