Orange Peel Gazette
SEE OUR AD ON PAGE 4
PAIN STOP with LASER RANDY HISE
STOP LASER TECHNICIAN
MLS LASER THERAPY TREATS
NEUROPATHY • BRUISING ARTHRITIS & BURSITIS PAIN SPORTS/WORK INJURIES REPETITIVE MOTION INJURIES POST-SURGICAL SWELLING ACHILLES TENDINITIS HEEL PAIN • WOUNDS 28079 US Hwy 27, Dundee, FL
Vol. 13, Issue 14
OVER 13 YEARS ENTERTAINING POLK COUNTY AND THE WORLD........ MERRY CHRISTMAS
Chiropractic Center of Lakeland
For Your Good Health, Naturally
2390 Griffin Rd, Lakeland, FL DR. STEPHEN JOHNSON
DR. ALVIN GREEN DR. IDA ABRAHAM CHIROPRACTIC PHYSICIANS
JEWELRY & COIN
see our ad on page 4
Your Memories! 8MM OR 16MM FILm SUPER 8MM FILM VHS TAPES OR VHS-C CASSETTES MINI & REG DVD TAPES
Open 6 Days • Same Day Appointments • Se habla español Most Insurance Accepted • Affordable Cash Plans
LEBRATING E C
We’ll put your old Lp Records or Audio Tapes on CD
Polk County’s Most Trusted Jeweler Since 1953
WE’LL TRANSFER YOUR OLD MOVIES, LJ’s P ICTURES OR S LIDES TO DVD OR VHS TAPES........................
Ask about our TREATMENT SPECIALS and Visit our website: www.cclchiro.com to Learn about our INNOVATIVE TECHNOLOGY
F O S H E E JE WE L E R S
WE GIVE YOU THE BEST PRICES FOR GOLD, SILVER AND PLATINUM • MISSING SPOUSE DIVORCE
• WATCHES AND CLOCKS
As Low As
• CHILD CUSTODY,SUPPORT &PROPERTY • DIVORCE MODIFICATIONS •CONTRACTS • ADOPTION • NAME CHANGE • WILLS • QUIT CLAIM DEED • INCORPORATION • SMALL CLAIMS • ONE SIGNATURE DIVORCE AND OTHER DOCUMENTS
• JEWELRY APPRAISALS
•WE SELL AND SERVICE JEWELRY
* Recognized by the Federal Bankruptcy Court as a Debt Relief Agency. Relief from debt through Title 11 of the Bankruptcy Code.
Thank you for your trust for over 60 years.
C lyde Foshee
943 EAST PARKER ST., LAKELAND, FL
COURT DOCUMENTS PREPARED
OVER 15 YEARS IN BUSINESS
Member of the Better Business Bureau
McCarty’s Carts 5941 US HWY 17-92, Haines City, FL
COMPLETE SERVICE, SALES, RENTALS, REFURBISHING
CROWN BATTERIES Pick up only
6 VOLT $460 $440 • 8 VOLT $670 $575
12 VOLT SPECIAL $610
TOTAL COST WITH TAX EPA CHARGE
CHRISTMAS SPECIAL GIFT CERTIFICATES
Make an Old Cart Look and Run like Brand New and Save Thousands
S P E C IA L I Z IN G I N C U S TO M CART S!
Seniors Tax Return RY
I just received an audit on my tax return for 2012 back from the IRS. It puzzles me!!! They are questioning how many dependents I claimed. I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?" I replied: 12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 42 million unemployed people on food stamps, 2 million people in over 243 prisons; Half of Mexico ; and 535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate." 1 useless President. Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer. I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO The Hell DID I MISS?
Another Talking Dog Joke RY A guy walks into a bar with a dog. He claims the dog can talk. "Give me a beer and I'll show you." The bartender slides a beer to him and the man asks the dog, "Fido, what is that above our heads?" The dog says, "Roof!" The irritated bartender says, "That's not talking, he sounds like any other dog." The man says, "OK, how about this - Fido, who was the best baseball player of all time?" The dog says, "Ruth!" The bartender throws the man and the dog out of the bar. Fido says to the man, "Ya think I should'a said DiMaggio?" Mary: My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor. Doctor: Oh, really? Mary: Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!
Celebrating the Birth of Our Lord and Savior JesusChrist
COMPUTER TOWERS, MOTHERBOARDS & MUCH MORE.....
Please Call for Details!
1624 SR 60W, LAKE WALES, FLORIDA
A FULL SERVICE SCRAP METAL RECYCLING FACILITY
WE BUY ALL KINDS OF METAL
•Catalytic Converters • Copper • Aluminum •Aluminum Cans (UBC) • Junk Cars • Batteries •Scrap Steel • Yellow Brass • Stainless Steel •Transmissions • Engines •Sealed Units •Alternator, Starters, Compressors, Radiators
WE OFFER PICK-UP SERVICE member
Institute of Scrap Recycling Industries, Inc.
Mon-Sat 8-6•Sun 10-5
35969 Hwy 27, Haines City, FL
ORANGES• TANGERINES GRAPEFRUIT •HONEY BELLS CANDIES & SPREADS GOURMET GIFTS • FRUIT CLUBS
Send Florida’s Sweetest
Fresh Picked Florida Citrus Packed & Shipped Daily
SHOP THE ORANGE RING ONLINE AND SEE A FULL ARRAY OF OUR WONDERFUL PRODUCTS AND GIFTS
www.orangering.com ‘The Sensuous Wife’
With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, "Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?" "No," said her husband. She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down and pulled out a crumpled $20 bill. He took the crumpled $20 bill from her, and smiled approvingly. She then asked him, "Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up?" "Uh... no, I haven't," he said … with an anxious tone in his voice. She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and ... and pulled out a crumpled $50 bill. He took the crumpled $50 bill, and started breathing a little quicker, with anticipation. "Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars .. all crumpled up?" "No way!" he said … while obviously becoming even more and excited. "Well, then”, she said. … go look in the garage".
Did You Know #94 ESA At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in 'pints' and who was drinking in 'quarts,' hence the phrase 'minding your 'P's and 'Q's'. "I make my practices real hard ........ because if a player is a quitter.....I want him to quit in practice, not in a game." - Bear Bryant / Alabama
WE BUY GOLD SILVER & COINS!
20% STOREWIDE DISCOUNT JEWELRY & COIN
JEWELRY REPAIRED & WATCH BATTERIES 233MAGNOLIA AVE HWY92 AUBURNDALE, FLORIDA
FACTORY OUTLET MODEL CENTER
Finance Specialists - Land/Home, Chattel,Land-In-Lieu, FHA, VA, Private Finance
ALSO OFFERING - Park Models. Trade-Ins & Repos WE PAY CASH FOR USED HOMES ‘86 AND NEWER. Price Includes, Set-Up, A/C, Skirting and Steps.
Putting Things In Perspective RY March 21, 2010 to October 1, 2013 -is 3 years, 6 months, 10 days. December 7, 1941 to May 8, 1945 is 3 years, 5 months, 1 day. What this means is that in the time we were attacked at Pearl Harbor to the day Germany surrendered is not enough time for this federal government to build a working webpage. Mobilization of millions, building tens of thousands of tanks, planes, jeeps, subs, cruisers, destroyers, torpedoes, millions upon millions of guns, bombs, ammo, etc. Turning the tide in North Africa, Invading Italy, D-Day, Battle of the Bulge, Race to Berlin - all while we were also fighting the Japanese in the Pacific!! And our government can't build a webpage, not to mention an improved, working, healthcare insurance & delivery system. Dear God, take me back to 1950 !
Did You Know #65 ESA
Personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bee's wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions. When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman's face she was told, 'mind your own bee's wax.' Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term 'crack a smile'. In addition, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt. Therefore, we now have the expression 'losing face.'
145 S. Hankin Rd., Bartow, FL
WE PRICE THE JOB WE DO THE WORK!
“If you have a tree problem, we have the solution.“
S TU M P G R IN D I NG • T R EE TR I MM IN G T R E E R E M O VA L • P R E S S U R E W A S H I N G I R R I G A T I O N R E PA I R • V A L V E L O C A T I O N
863-412-8649 QUICK AND RELIABLE SERVICE LICENSED & INSURED
HIGHEST ENERGY EFFICIENT GLASS ON THE MARKET! Beat the heat with made in america
NOW ON SALE! W
AFFORDABLE ENERGY EFFICIENT WINDOWS LET IN THE LIGHT BUT KEEP OUT THE HEAT! The BEST Price + The BEST Contractor + A Lifetime Warranty = BEST Deal for YOU!
ENERGY SAVINGS YEAR AFTER YEAR NOW YOU CAN AFFORD A SCREEN ROOM .....NO MONEY DOWN AND ONLY
COMPLETE SATISFACTION GUARANTEED ON SCREEN ROOMS * CARPORTS * POOL ENCLOSURES * SKIRTING WOODEN DECKS * INSULATION PACKAGES * ROOF-OVERS VINYL SIDING, SOFFIT & FACIA * VINYL/ACRYLIC/GLASS WINDOWS RUGGED 2 AND 4-TRACK SCREEN SLIDERS FOR GARAGES
100% Financing AvailabLe!
RC 0049987 RR 0046367
WE WILL BEAT ANY COMPETITORS PRICE!
For A FREE Estimate Call Us Today! CONSTRUCTION & ALUMINUM Licensed • Bonded • Insured
~ In God We Trust ~
Things Kids Say
The father was doubtful of his son's sudden interest to become Charles Atlas. Nevertheless he went with the teenager to the weight-lifting department. "Please, Dad," begged the boy, "I promise I'll use them every day...." "I'm not so sure, Danny. You may lose interest in the equipment," his father was quick to point out. "Ahhhh please, Dad?" "Besides, it's quite an expense," the father added. "I promise, Dad, I'll use them...." Danny finally won, and his Dad paid for the equipment. As the father was leaving the department, he heard his son call out..."What! You mean I have to carry this stuff to the car?" The longest sentence known to man: "I do."
•"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." Mary Ann - age 4 •"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." Lauren - age 4 •"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken." Elaine-age 5 •"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." Chris - age 7 Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A. A nervous wreck.
GOOD THRU DECEMBER 31
The Secret Language of Women (Men should probably commit this to memory...) Fine: This is the word women use at the end of any argument that they feel they are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use "fine" to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments. Five minutes: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before we take out the trash, so they feel that it's an even trade. Nothing: This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine." Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine." Go Ahead (normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off. A woman asks a man who is traveling with six children, "Are all these kids yours?" The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints".
10-MINUTE OIL CHANGE
COME EXPERIENCE OUR SERVICE! No Appointment Necessary
s ! s !0) 3.#* LICENSED SYNTHETIC B 0) 3.#* LICENSED SYNTHETIC BLEND OILS LEND OILS s & s &REE C REE CHECK ENGINE LIGHT DIAGNOSES HECK ENGINE LIGHT DIAGNOSES s & s &REE BATTER REE BATTERY TEST Y TEST s 7 s E CAN SER E CAN SERVICE NEARLY ANY CAR VICE NEARLY ANY CAR Y CAR
39.4(%4)# ",%.$ OIL CHANGE reg. $31.95
100% SYNTHETIC OIL CHANGE reg. $54.95
s UP TO QTS SYNTHETIC BLEND s NEW OIL lLTER s LUBE CHASSIS s WASH WINDSHIELD s VACUUM s TIRES CHECKED
s UP TO QTS SYNTHETIC OIL s NEW OIL lLTER s LUBE CHASSIS s WASH WINDSHIELD s VACUUM s TIRES CHECKED
With coupon. Offer expires 12/31/13 OPG
With coupon. Offer expires 12/31/13 OPG
100% Satisfaction Guaranteed 3 &LORIDA ! 3 &LORIDA !VE s ,!+%,!.$ &LORIDA !VE s ,!+%,!.$ VE s ,!+%,!.$ 863-644-8987
Reliably Serving Lakeland for 24 Years
!CROSS FROM /UTBACK 3TEAKHOUSE s /PEN -ONDAY &RIDAY AM PM s 3ATURDAY AM PM !CROSS FROM /UTBAC K 3TEAKHOUSE s /PEN -ONDAY &RIDAY AM PM s 3ATURDAY AM PM
David Arango, M.D. ORTHOPEDICS & SPORTS MEDICINE INSTITUTE
SPECIALIZING IN: Spinal Disorders Auto Accidents Work Related Injuries
We Offer Effective:
Epidural Spinal Injections Facet Joint Injections Trigger Point Injections
MEDICARE MEDIC ARE Resource R esource Center Center T.C.C. Wee Specialize in: W
Â‡0HGLFDUH$GYDQWDJH Â‡0HGLFDUH$GYDQWDJH Â‡0HGLFDUH6XSSOHPHQWV Â‡3 DUW%6DYLQJV3ODQV Â‡3DUW%6DYLQJV3ODQV Â‡2EDPD&DUH0DU Â‡ 2EDPD&DUH0DUNHWSODFH+HOS NHWSODFH+HOS
CONSULTANTS, LLC. INDEPENDENT INSURANCE A AGENCY GENCY
No Obligation Consultations Consult ations Walk-Ins W alk-Ins Welcome Welcome or In-Home Appointments
/LIHÂ‡+HDOWKÂ‡'HQWDO /LI HÂ‡+HDOWKÂ‡'HQWDO
0(',&$5(23(1(152//0(17 0 (',&$5(23(1(152//0(17 2FWWKWKURXJK'HFWK 2FW WKWKURXJK'HFWK
Apply for for Medicaid & F Food ood Stamps Stamps
.QRZ< .QRZ<RXU2SWLRQV Z<RXU2S RXU2SWLRQV &DOO8V7RGD\ & DOO8V7RGD\
Provider Pro vider of Man Manyy Medicare Adv Advantage antage Plans (0HPRULDO%OYGÂ‡/DNHODQG (0HPRULDO%OYGÂ‡/DNHODQG 0RQ) 0RQ)ULÂ‡DPSP ULÂ‡DPSP
863-937-8878 863-93 7-8878
Juniorâ€™s First Drink RY
1120 Carlton Ave. Suite 1400, Lake Wales, FL A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The 575 East Central Ave., Winter Haven, FL doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was 1507 Lakeland Hills Blvd. Suite 107, Lakeland, FL born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he Phone: 863 324-6100 can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant 'Take another drink!' The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, 'Take another drink! Take another drink!!' The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes. By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, (Youâ€™re gonna hate me) â€˜He should've quit while he was a head.â€™ Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed? A: Because he had low elf esteem.
Gift certificates Tight or Sore Muscles? available!
By Appointment Only
1 Ho u r M e d i c a l M a s s a g e
Dental Exam, X-Rays and Cleaning
$50 SAVINGS Exam 0180, X-rays 0330/274, Cleaning 1110 Cleaning if no presence of gum disease. Not valid with any other offer. Expires 12/31/13
DENTURES UPPER OR LOWER $
Not valid with any other offer. Expires 12/31/13
Dr. David E. Junca, D.D.S.
Call for Your Appointment
23871 N. US HWY 27, Lake Wales, FL
Does not apply to previously presented cases. Patient and any other person responsible for payment has the right to refuse to pay, cancel payment, or be reimbursed for payment for any other service, examination and treatment which is performed as a result and within 72 hours of responding to the advertisement for free service, discounted or reduced fee service, examination or treatment.
Free Hearing Screening 60 Day Trial Period We Repair All Makes Over 20 Tears On Edgewood
We Listen - You Hear Call for your appointment
863-688-0777 Lakeland 813-704-6868 Plant City 25% off Premier Products www.PHCCFL.com
Mention OPG or Show ad. Not valid with any other offer, Expires 12/31/13
DEREK CLARK, LMT 18 YEARS EXPERIENCE Keep Your Clothes On & Enjoy A Half Hour Medical Massage
Mention OPG or Show ad. Not valid with any other offer, Expires 12/31/13
319 First Street South, Winter Haven, Florida Mm#28599
Artis Bassett Hearing Aids SALES & SERVICE
MELISSA K. CRAFT - HEARING AID SPECIALIST OUR OFFICES ARE HOME TO THE MOST ADVANCED TECHNOLOGY IN THE REGION FREE TESTS & EVALUATION 137 W. Hwy 60, Lake Wales, FL â€˘ 863-676-0616 More Secret Language of Women Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing." Soft Sigh: Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble. Oh: This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get a raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.
1 SECURITY SELF STORAGE DAVENPORT 863-438-8007 863-521-3245
2323 HOLLY HILL TANK ROAD • HWY 27
CALL US NOW!
863-424-3031 MO V E - I N $
S P E C I A LS
Moves You In On Up To A 10’ x 25’ For 1st Month’s Rent Call for more savings! Must present ad or mention OPG Not valid with any other offer. Expires 12/31/13
HEY ! POLK COUNTY NO DEPOSITS!
THE BEST W OR KM ANSH IP YOU CAN COUNT ON!
863-944-7719 LICENSED & INSURED
HIGHEST QUALITY PROFESSIONAL ROOFING CONTRACTOR
WITH OVER 30 YEARS OF KNOWLEDGE EXPERIENCE free estimates The Man Who Gave Up Sex For Golf RY
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself. YOU NEED Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?" Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt. Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure AIR CONDITIONING & HEATING like to get an eagle on this one." The same Specializing in Service and Relacement of All Brands would stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be Carrier • York • Bryant • Honeywell • Amana • Lennox • RUUD • Trane worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?" the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an SALES • SERVICE • REPAIRS Shrugging, eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle •All Makes & Models • IAQ Products to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the •Duct Cleaning•Preventive Maintenance stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would • Service Agreements Available winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your •Free Estimates • Financing Available sex life?" "Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes AVAILABLE 24 HOURS & DAYS A WEEK! the eagle. As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really FREE been fair with you because you don't know who I am. •Service Call with Repair I'm Satan, and from this day forward you will have no •Second Opinion Estimates sex life." "Nice to meet you, "the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley." If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose CAC-1814928 www.CoolNow.com because he can't find himself?
MERRY CHRISTMAS Underwear Dust RY LOOKING FOR A VEHICLE?
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!' His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out. 'Cathy', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?' She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!
Donations RY A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, D.C. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?" "Terrorists have kidnapped the entire U.S. Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations." "How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks. The man replies, "Roughly a gallon." If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the airport. ~ Jonathan Winters
Tell Me what You want to pay per month! Allow me to do the paperwork on the vehicle you want.
No Worries! Douglas J. Maynard
â€œThe Guy in the Hatâ€? 14 Years at
2013 December 12, 13 & 14 Thursday & Friday6-9 â€˘ Saturday 4-9pm
Sheer Nightgown RY A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy ), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.' She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!' He never heard the shot. Funeral on Thursday at noon. Closed casket.
SOUND TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE?
ASK ABOUT OUR
Did You Know #43 ESA Early aircraft's engines had a throttle that came thru the firewall to the instrument panel in front of the pilot; the throttle had a ball on the end of it that simplified moving the throttle. In order to go full throttle the pilot had to push the throttle all the way forward into the wall of the instrument panel. Hence "balls to the wall" for going very fast. And now you know the rest of the story. I actually tried to grow my own food, but I can't find any Twinkie seeds.
OUT-OF-POCKET EXPENSE FOR QUALIFIED HOMEOWNERS
1-888-611-4402 727-992-2787 AUTHORIZED MARKETING AGENT for DIOKO SOLAR, INC.
Vinyl • Aluminum • Chain Link • Wood • Gates and Entry
www.superiorfenceandrail.com Fear No Evil! RY A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.. So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?' The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.' 'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked. 'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.. 'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan. 'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone. 'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.. 'Yep,' was the calm reply. 'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan. 'Nope,' said the old man More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'. The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'
Did You Know #32 ESA Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A proper and dignified woman, as in 'straight laced' wore a tightly tied lace. "Iron Law of Distribution" Them that has, gets.
3060 Dundee Rd. Winter Haven, FL
CHARLOTTE COMBS STONE LAW GROUP, P.L.
Winter Haven •Sebring •Celebration
ATTORNEY AT LAW
Basic Will: $125 • Living Will: $50 Power of Attorney: $95 Health Care Surrogate: $50 Single Trust Package: $795
ESTATE PLANNING & PROBATE 314 Avenue K SE, in the offices of Professional Tax Consultants
Winter Haven, FL
Woman Shot In Her Own Driveway RY Linda Burnett, 26, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and, while there, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered. Linda is a blonde, an Obama supporter, but that could all be a coincidence. The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date was from 2007; so, it was determined to be Bush's fault. Sacred cows make the best burgers.
Old Is New Again
A Variety of Gently Pre-Owned Furniture & Home Dècor Before You Buy New, See Our Selections! You Could Save Hundreds! MO N DA Y - F R I D AY 1 0A M - 6P M
1 3 1 R I D G E C E N T E R D R , D A V E N PO R T , FL
ON US27, SOUTH OF I-4 IN ROSEBERRY SQ
Conner Home C H I Improvements, Inc. WINDOW REPLACEMENT $
ESTIMATES Licensed & Insured SCC#131149884
100% Financing Available 12 months interest free SEAMLESS GUTTERS/ ROOFING/ REPAIRS/ SOFFIT FASCIA & SIDING/ WINDOW & DOOR REPLACEMENT •RESCREENING •PAINTING •FLORIDA ROOMS
•SKY LIGHTS •AWNINGS •FLOORING •SEAMLESS GUTTERS • ACRYLIC WINDOWS
WWW .C ONNER H OME I MPROVEMENTS FL. COM
WHERE QUALITY, DURABILITY & STYLE COUNT .......WITH OVER 40 YEARS EXPERIENCE
WE ACCEPT ALL MAJOR CREDIT CARDS
We'd love to be part of your family. Please take us home.
*URRPLQJ 3HW6SD 'RJJLH'D\FDUH 3HW%RXWLTXH%RDUGLQJ
Aphprodite With just one meeting you will see why this 2-year-old German Shepherd was named after the goddess of love and beauty. Aphrodite is her name and she is a very inquisitive companion who likes to know everything going on around her.
/DNHODQG¶V3UHIHUUHG /DNHODQG¶V3UHIHUUHG 3HW&DUH)DFLOLW\ IRU2YHU <HDUV IRU2YHU<HDUV
Charli Rose Charli Rose is a 1-year-old Boxer mix who is full of energy! When she’s not busy running around exercising or playing, Charli enjoys snuggling up in your lap. She is playful with adults and children, friendly with other dogs,
Neko Meet Neko! Overall a friendly gal, this beautiful 3year-old Calico is a bit shy initially, but wants nothing more than to be one of the girls. Though she may be intimidated by dogs and strangers, this sweet gal would do just fine.
Erica Meet Erika, a laid back girl, who adores playing with her fellow kittens. This 3month-old Torbie loves to wrestle with her feline pals and play with foil balls, but what Erika absolutely loves is feathers. She is real sweet.
Every pet is spayed or neutered, vaccinated, microchipped and sent home with Revolution, a topical flea and tick medication. 863-646-7722 www.lovemyspca.com
Florida NOW OPEN 7 DAYS
5850 Brannen Rd S, Lakeland, FL
10% OFF All Boutique Items excluding dog food. Mention this ad.
6RPHDPHQLWLHVDWRXUIDFLOLW\ 6,000 sq. ft. air conditioned and heated Over 2000 sq. ft. of outside play area area State-of-the-Art Security System including Video Video Surveillance 24 hours a day
2215 East Edgewood Dr Dr.. Lakeland
863-667-3113 863-667-31 13 FourPawsOnlyFL.com
Visit our YouT YouTube ube channel www www.youtube.com/krazi4boxers .youtube.com/krazi4boxers
Salesmanship During a magazine and newspaper subscription drive, our son Philip, a paperboy, learned about good salesmanship. His supervisor had instructed the kids to maintain a positive attitude, even when turned down. One potential customer told Philip, "I've got papers and magazines strewn all over the place -- I don't need any more." Philip's reply? "Well, how about a subscription to Good Housekeeping?"
Sign in a Pennsylvania Cemetery “Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.” "The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it." Lou Holtz / Arkansas Seriously,is there a reason for Harry Reed?
BOARD YOUR DOG IN A HOME WITH A FAMILY
Experienced & Insured References LOCATED IN WINTER HAVEN
$10 Off F B IRST
Dubious Sand Bags At The Border Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand" answered Juan. The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand" says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico. "Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?" Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles." Lotta self-help tapes out there. Got one called How to Handle Disappointment. I got it home and the box was empty Do the right thing. Offend an atheist!
| /$.(/$1' ANNOUNCES THEIR
$AVING$ Lowest Prices of the Year COME BY AND CHECK OUT
THE GREAT DEALS! Register to Win a
WASHER & DRYER* *No Purchase Necessary. See dealer for more details.
CLAYTON HOMES of CENTRAL FLORIDA Call Us At: 863.606.0707 86($67Â‡/$.(/$1')/ www.claytonhomesoflakeland.com
WE ACCEPT ALL MAJOR CREDIT CARDS
OPEN EVERY DAY TO 12 MIDNIGHT THROUGH DECEMBER 31 EVERYTHING ALLDECEMBER THE TIME!!! AND OPEN 24 HOURS 30TH
FIRECRACKERS • BOTTLE ROCKETS ROMAN CANDLES.........MORE LOWEST PRICES IN PLANT CITY! 3 LOCATIONS TO SERVE YOU TWILIGHT PACKAGE & LOUNGE 4010 EAST HWY 60 AT COUNTY LINE RD, PLANT CITY, FL
FAMILY BOWL 2250 HIGHWAY 92 EAST, PLANT CITY, FL DESCO PRINT SHOP
CORNER OF SR 60 AND MULRENNAN RD, VALRICO, FL
TEXAS CATTLE COMPANY
The Sign of Great Steaks! Prime and choice Colorado grain fed beef. Aged 4-6 weeks, hand cut fresh everyday and cooked over an open wood pit at 1,100 degrees... ......â€?Soooooooooo good!
Reservations Suggested â€˘ 863-686-1434 735 E. Main St Lakeland, FL
Visit us at: www.texascattlecompany.net
Doctors Look At Obamacare EJF The American Medical Association has weighed in on Obama's new health care package. The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve. Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!" The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow. The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter". The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the liberal asses in Washington. Q: If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called? A: A subordinate claus. Q: Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace? A: He wanted to sleep like a log.
Car Keys RY Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion.His theory was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, Honey," I stammered; ( I always call him "honey" in times like these.) “I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen." There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice. "Are you kidding' me", he barked, "I dropped you off"!!! Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said,"Well, come and get me." He retorted,"I will, as soon as I convince this cop I didn't steal your car." Q: What's a good holiday tip? A: Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter. Q: What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh? A: Santa caught in a revolving door!
LIVE MUSICAL PERFORMANCES OF THE 50’S, 60’S AND 70’S AT AFFORDABLE RATES
Visit us at plantcitybingo.com for coupons & information
PLAY OUR FIREBALL & NEW CANNONBALL • PROGRESSIVE JACKPOT PULL-TABS...STARTS @ $1,000 PLUS ALL PACKS $20 UP TO 36 CARDS TURBO UPGRADE 60 CARDS ONLY $13 MORE • SUPER SIZE YOUR TURBO $6 MORE
AUTO-DAB TURBOS SUPER SATURDAY 12/14 & 1/11
FRIDAYS $15 ALL PACKS JACKPOTS : 21/$250 14/$100 TUESDAY, THURSDAY & FRIDAY COME EARLY DOORS OPEN 3PM 25 JACKPOTS FREE BONANZA BINGO
12/$250 13/$100 UP TO 36 CARDS $20
SUNDAY AFTERNOON 25 JACKPOTS - 12 / $250 • 13 / $100 DOORS OPEN 10:30 AM
JUST MENTION ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE
105 J-Arden Mays Downtown Plant City, FL
813-719-6568 Game promotions are subject to change. Please call for more information
Welcome New Owners! See Our New Lunch & Dinner Items! Real Homemade Burgers & Belgian Waffles
&+5, 670$6 %8))(7
COUPON REQUIRED Daily Lunch & Dinner Specials Buy Any Lunch, Breakfast All Day
Get Any Lunch
Equal of lesser value. With purchase of 2 drinks. Not valid with any other offer.
0I NEAPPL E 'L AZ ED (AM s (ER B #R UST ED 0R I ME 2I B 2OAST ED 4UR KEY WI T H 2O S $R ESSI NG 3WEET 0OT AT O #ASSER OL E s 'AR L I C -ASHED 0OT AT OES 3PANI SH 2I SOT T O s 3OUT HER N 3T YL E 'R EEN "EANS -APL E 'L AZ ED #AR R OT S s /UR 4R ADI T I ONAL 3AL AD $ESSER T 3T AT I ON -OR E 3I DE $I SHES
3EAT I NGS AM