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Presence Mi nistry Three Essential Concepts of

Newsletter October 2009

健康家庭必須的

Wise Parenting

基本心理概念 Agnes Ip

The living standard of the twenty-first century is one of more affluence than previous generations but it is also one of more pressure than ever before. Now that both parents commonly work outside the home, they find it a struggle to balance between working and raising children. Based on my experience with counseling couples and families and in training and giving workshops, I find it is necessary for all parents to know and understand three basic psychological concepts. These concepts will help parents raise healthy children, avoid unnecessary pain, and build a happy, close-knit family.

葉顏瑋茵

廿一世紀家庭的生活質素一般都比上一代富裕,可是

所面對的壓力並不見得少。今天的夫妻各自都要在工作 和養育孩子的重擔中力求平衡。在經營家庭幸福時,了 解一些基本的心理概念,有助於父母有效地培養健康的 下一代,並建立親密的家庭關係。當我回想多年輔導夫 妻和家庭,並在社區演講和培訓時,深感需要提供華人 家長三項心理秘訣,以減少許多不必要的痛苦,使家人 活得更幸福。

1. 「個人自主」需要得到滿足 1. The Need for Autonomy has to be Satisfied

自從神造人以來,神就賦予人自由意志。個人自主乃

From the beginning, God created man with free will, thus every person has an inherent need to pursue autonomy. We can see this in children starting at two years of age. They begin to fight for autonomy by insisting on feeding themselves. This is their way of practicing coordination, individual thinking, and exerting control on their inward and outward environment. However, some parents refuse to give up control. They are afraid that if their children feed themselves, they will be undernourished or make a mess of the house. When parents insist on feeding their children, it causes the children to suppress their feelings, their desire to use their own judgment and to become autonomous. Inadvertently, the parents are encouraging their children to become more and more dependent on them.

是基本的心理訴求,事實上孩子從兩歲開始就明顯地爭

A girl at an optical store once told me, “It is difficult for a woman in her late twenties and thirties to find a husband who knows how to take care of them. Many thirty–year-old men still have the mindset of a little boy.” She has observed “little boys” at their thirties or forties coming into the store with their mothers, allowing their mothers to choose the frames and pay for their eyeglasses. She just cannot imagine what life would be like married to such a dependent man.

常看到三四十歲的「男孩

取「自主」。不少兩歲的小孩很喜歡自己餵食。這階段 的孩子正反覆地練習個人身體協調、思想自主和支配內 外的能力。如果父母親因怕孩子吃不飽,或是受不了家 裏被弄得髒亂,就硬要餵孩子吃東西,這樣孩子就被迫 壓抑自已的感受、獨立判斷和自主的傾向,反而被塑造 成更依賴父母。

一位在眼鏡店工作的女孩對我說:「現今二、三十歲

的女生很難找到懂得照顧別人的好男人當老公,不少三 十出頭的男人還是一個小男生的心態!」在店裡,她經 子」帶著媽媽來配自己用 的眼鏡,眼鏡由媽媽挑, 錢由媽媽來付。她心想, 若跟這樣依賴的男人結 婚,生活會是怎樣呢?


In his book Childhood and Society, social psychologist Erik Erikson identifies eight stages of development. A thirty-year-old man entering middle age should be working as a productive member of the society with the ability to raise a family. However, if an individual has not resolved the psychological issues of the earlier stage of development, he will remain in the adolescent stage of either pursuing intimacy or avoiding relationships altogether. Hence, many “adult children” who have been sheltered by their family and have not gained independence are confused with who they are. They do not understand God’s expectations for them to mature and become independent. As children become adolescents, they have a need to affirm their self-worth. And as adolescents preparing for adulthood, they need opportunities to practice becoming independent. If a child is kept from exercising his autonomy between the ages of two to twelve, it is likely that he will become rebellious in adolescence. The parents will be shocked to find their once obedient child with a sudden change in personality. However, in their effort to gain back that compliant child, they continue to ignore the basic need in their child’s psychological development for autonomy. The child becomes emotionally distant from his parents because of long-term suppression of his need for independence. Some children may not openly rebel against their parents but deep inside they are full of resentment which will eventually turn into anger and depression.

按照社會心理學家艾瑞克森 (Erikson) 在「兒童期與社

會」一書中,所提出人的八個發展階段理論,一個三十來 歲的人已算進入了中年期,正致力於社會生產和照顧下一 代的挑戰。個人如果不能克服這時期的心理危機,就會停 滯不前,徘徊在青年期,繼續追求親蜜的關係,或是孤立 自我。今天不少的「成年小孩」,不分男女,隨著家庭忽 略和抑制個人自主性之際,個人的視野變得模糊,也就更 難看清神要求人長大成熟、獨立和自主的目標。

其實小孩子到了青少年時期,更需要肯定自我,準備

獨立成人,遂拚命爭取自主。此時的孩子,若在兩歲到十 二歲之間,從來沒有獲得運用自主權的滿足,自然就會上 演一幕接一幕的叛逆事件。父母驚訝昔日乖巧順從的孩子 竟性情大變,想盡方法要扭轉乾坤,卻忽視了少年人心理 發展的基本需要。加上孩子自我感受和自主獨立的渴望長 期以來被壓抑,與父母間出現了心靈上的疏離。表面上 也許仍不敢反抗,骨子裡 面卻滿是怨氣,甚至變得 憤怒和抑鬱。在我多年的 輔導經驗中,常常遇見不 了解這種因素的中老年父

In my many years of counseling, I often encountered parents of older children who did not understand why their dependent children are so angry with them after all they have sacrificed for them. Even successful adult children often cast blame on their parents for their own difficulties.

母,他們付出一生來愛家

If a young adult has not learned to be independent, it will lead to greater crisis in their middle-age years. They pursue their heart’s desires at all costs in order to compensate for their psychological needs. We often hear of middle-aged men who suddenly quit their job, leave their families or buy a fancy red sports car. These are some examples of mid-life crisis.

名的埋怨。青年人若沒有

教子,卻遭缺乏獨立能力 的子女所惱恨。即使是成 人子女已很有成就,也常 見他們對父母親有諸般莫 學會運用自主能力,將導 致中年時期更大的危機。 極度的心理補償作用,促 使個人不顧一切地追求心 中的欲望。常常聽到,有

2. The Ability to Self-regulate Emotions

A few months ago, in California, a college student with good grades took her own life. The reason was merely due to missing a mid-term exam when she overslept. She could not bear the thought of a lower grade point average so she killed herself in desperation. Why do young people think that their grades are more important than their own lives?

人撇下重要工作不顧,買輛紅色跑車,離開家園...等 等,就是中年危機的典型例子。

2. 自我調節情緒的能力

前一段日子,加州某大學發生一位成績優異的女學生輕

Many parents have superficial values and fail to understand their children’s inner world. They stress the importance of academic success, and evaluate their children according to their grade point average. When their children bring home good grades, they are given material rewards as well as a higher status among family members. The children, however, sense no genuine love and understanding from their parents.

生的事故。背後原因是該女生因睡過頭而誤了期中考的時

Additionally, children from affluent families do not recognize the labor and sacrifices of the parents. These families fall into the trap of quid pro quo, a superficial way of relating with family members. Some

物質獎勵、更高的家庭地位,可是孩子卻得不到父母對他

間,受不了成績受損的打擊,一時絕望而自殺身亡。

為甚麼這女子會看成績的好壞比自已的性命還重要呢?

孩子對自我內在世界的認識,一直都被注重外表的家

教方式所忽視。今天,不少家長只注重子女才華的栽培, 又大多以學習成績來評估他們的優劣;成績好就得到更多 們內心深處的體諒和關愛。加上比較富裕的家境,使孩子 不容易體會父母勞苦犧牲的榜樣,家庭不知不覺地陷入了


children manipulate their parents to give them what they want by earning good grades. Others work for success to make sure they are valued in the eyes of their parents. It is not unusual to find students with academic success, yet feeling empty inside. Some even turn to drugs, alcohol, sex and self-mutilation to fill the void. Yet parents do not affirm their children for fear of spoiling them. They apply criticism and guilt and some even use shame to goad them to do well in school. Their intention is to teach children to respect others and become responsible. However, such methods attack their children’s self-esteem, resulting in long-term negative consequences. In trying to satisfy their parents’ expectations to avoid punishment and shame, the children begin to protect themselves, doubt their own judgments, and become fearful and anxious. If the children cannot properly channel these negative emotions, they will be on an emotional roller coaster.

表面和交易式的互動狀態。子女不是拿好 成績來作為與父母交易的籌碼,就是以卓 越的成績來確保自己在父母心中和別人眼 中的價值。芸芸學生中,不難找到成績十 分優異,心靈卻萬分空虛的例子。當中就 有以吸毒、酗酒、性濫交和自殘的發洩行 為,來填補心靈的空虛。

另一方面,家長不想寵壞孩子,必須

教導他們尊重自已和別人的界線,並且學 會對事情負責任。可是常常以批評和責備 的方式來教訓兒女,或利用孩子的羞恥心來激發子女上 進,只會帶來長期負面的影響。當個人自尊受到重大打擊

There are two emotional extremes. Some children will devalue their own abilities and give up trying to please their parents. Others will be arrogant and ruthlessly strive for success in order to repress their own pain. Many personality problems are in fact caused by low self-esteem resulting from parental punishment and negative teaching methods.

時,自我保衛及自我懷疑就是必然的惡果。孩子為了避免

Every person has the responsibility of handling his own negative emotions of hopelessness, sadness, or anger. Children learn to do this while growing up if their parents help them control and channel their feelings. However, many parents do not allow their children to express negative emotions or deliberately distract them from dealing with them. For example, when a child falls down, his grandparents hit the ground instead of acknowledging his pain. Some parents will blame the babysitter, brothers and sisters, the dog or themselves for not protecting the child. They shift the focus from the child’s responsibility to regulate his pain to an external force that caused the pain. Children will learn to blame others or outside circumstances rather than taking responsibility to deal with their pain. They missed an important opportunity to learn how to manage and channel their own emotions.

大多為自我價值不足的表徵。這就是以懲罰和負面教育手

There are occasions when distractions are appropriate. When my son was young, my daughter’s best friend would come to our home to play. When the two girls refuse to include him, he felt rejected and so angry that he would not stop crying. Finally his father took him out for a walk, and he felt much better when he came back home.

上,來減輕自已的痛楚,反而失去機會,學習調節自我的

The most important lesson is not to allow children see themselves as victims. No matter who is right or wrong, family members have to accept one another’s negative emotions. No one can unilaterally force someone to act in a certain way. Every child should be encouraged to express his emotions and be given space to calm himself as long as he does not hurt himself, hurt others or destroy property. If the child is unable to regulate his emotions, the parents can step in to gently soothe him, without preaching or condemning.

心,哭個不停。這時,爸爸特意帶他出外走一趟,回家後

The best comfort for children when they are hurt is their parents’ acceptance and understanding. Their self-esteem and their ability to control their own emotions will mature faster with support from their parents. Later, when they face difficulties they will not blame others or avoid dealing with the problems.

緒和表達自已負面的感受。若孩子平息不了自已,家長就

受罰和羞辱,大多會努力滿足父母要求,內心卻滿了恐懼 與焦慮。當孩子累積的負面情緒未獲得正面的疏導,他們 的情緒會起伏不定,這會造成嚴重的兩種極端-貶低自己 的能力,放棄上進學習,或高傲自居,以攻擊踐踏別人來 平衡自己內心的不安。表面看來是品格操守問題,背後卻 段所帶來的後遺症。

每人都有責任管理自已的情緒,懂得如何在失望、悲

傷和憤怒的情況下面對自己。在成長過程中,父母給兒女 恰當的空間,有助於他們學會控制和調節負面情緒,這是 父母培育子女不可或缺的一環。可惜,不少家長壓抑子女 負面情緒的表達,或者是轉移注意力來避免直接面對。例 如當孩子跌倒,爺爺奶奶擊打地板來轉移孫兒的痛楚,或 是父母責備傭人、兄姐、小狗,甚至責怪自已照顧不周。 可是長輩在運用轉移法時,同時也把焦點和責任從孩子身 上轉移到外界。孩子學會把責任推到別人或其他事物的身 情緒。

還記得我兒子小的時候,有一天我女兒的好朋友來

了,兩位小女生不想跟他玩。他感到被排斥,既氣憤又傷 他的心情就好多了。

這說明並非所有的轉移法都是不可取的。重要的是,

不要讓孩子認定自己就是「受害者」。不論誰對誰錯,家 人必須學習接納每個人都會有負面的情緒,不可單方面勉 強別人遷就自己。當然在不傷害自己、別人和破壞物件的 前提下,每個孩子都應該被鼓勵,有充足的空間來平息情 必須先以溫柔的方法幫助孩子平息下來,而不是開口就教 訓。父母對子女內心感受的接納和體諒,就是兒女生命中 最大的安慰劑。這一份從父母身上得到的溫柔和注意力, 就是兒女成長中愛的動力,當他們負責任學習好管理自己


的情緒,長大後在面對困難時,才不會總是埋怨別人,或 是逃避了事。

3. 個體分辨的能力

當李太太的兒子準備上大學時,她要求丈夫把原來住

的屋子賣掉,搬到學校附近住。那樣兒子就不需要住到學 校,她可以照樣每天為兒子燒飯,繼續地為他服務。可是 丈夫和兒子都不贊成她的想法。李太太不但感到十分懊 惱,更覺得自己再沒用處。每天當她想到自己已經老了,

Right before her son moved away for college, Mrs. Lee asked her husband to sell their home and move to the city close to her son. She wanted to continue cooking and caring for him. When both her husband and her son disagreed with her, Mrs. Lee felt very frustrated and useless at the same time. In her old age, her husband no longer listened to her and her son ignored her. These thoughts often made her weep. Soon after her son moved into his dorm, Mrs. Lee became ill. She would feel better and be able to sleep at night only if her son called her every day.

丈夫不聽,兒子又不理,就抱頭大哭起來。

While it is important that family members sacrificially love and care for each other, in the case of Mrs. Lee, we can see unhealthy over-attachment and dependence. In a healthy family, every member functions as an individual with free will and the ability to self-differentiate. Differentiation of self refers to one’s ability to separate intellectual and emotional functioning from that of others, such as family members. Many mothers from the older generation are like Mrs. Lee who does not have personal goals in life. All their attentions and emotions are focused on their husband and their children. When their children grow up, they lose their purpose in life and become very lonely.

李太太一樣,沒有自已的生活目標,把所有注意力都放在

後來兒子上大學,就搬進了宿舍。李太太就開始生

病,要求兒子必須每天打電話給她,才能入睡。

家人之間互相的犧牲和愛護當然十分重要,可是從李

太太的個案中,我們也明白過度的黏結和依賴是不健康 的。每個成員都是有自由意志的個體,能有個體分辨的能 力也是健康家庭重要的因素。過去一代的媽媽就有不少像 小孩和丈夫身上,當孩子長大後即失去生活重心,變得十 分孤寂。

心理學家 Kerr 和 Bowen 指出成熟的人,其實就是個體

分辨能力比較高的人,他們更能夠自我肯定,不常以別人 的評價來自我定位,也很少向他人抱怨。清楚調節自我情 緒的責任在於個人本身,並不期待別人(特別是配偶)像 父母親照顧嬰兒般的保顧自已,需要自已 。反過來說,個 體分辨能力偏低的人,特別需要家人(特別是配偶)聽從

Psychologists Michael Kerr and Murray Bowen explain that those who are mature have a strong ability for self-differentiation. They have self-confidence and have little need for affirmation from others. They seldom complain and clearly accept the responsibility for managing their own emotions. They are not dependent on others (especially their spouse) to need them and take care of them. This should not be confused with self-centeredness and selfishness. Those with a well differentiated self have a genuine desire to sacrifice for their loved ones without expecting anything in return.

自已的意見,或者強迫自已跟所愛的人有同樣的看法、同

Those with low differentiation are more likely to require their family (especially their spouse) to comply with them. Or they will persuade themselves to conform their opinions and feelings to those of their loved ones. Through this intimate attachment, they try to prove to themselves that they are valuable and worthy of the love of others. Therefore they are especially afraid of losing personal relationships. They constantly nag their loved ones to agree with them and to be more intimate with them. This in turn invades the personal space of their loved ones and chokes out the loved ones’ ability to mature independently. Without a well differentiated self, conflicts easily arise particularly with family members who are going through adolescence or mid-life crisis.

容易產生一場不可避免的家庭衝突。

樣的感受。他們通過這種緊密的黏合關係來証明自已是被 愛的、有價值的人。而且個體分辨的能力有別於自我中心 和自私,一個不自私又有個體分辨能力的人,他會發自內 心地為所愛的人犧性,並不要求回報。

此外,個體分辨能力偏低的人也特別怕失去親密的關

係,他們不斷地要求和親人有更深的親密度和一致的想 法,這往往變成對私人空間的剝削或獨立成長中的壓制。 如果他們與進入青春期或處於中年危機的家人互動時,更

總結

聖經上說:「人要離開父母與妻子連合,二人成為一

體。」(創二:24),指出兒女需要長大成人、獨立成家。 神要夫妻結合,也對各種人倫關係發出命令:「又當存敬畏 基督的心,彼此順服 。」(弗5:21)。不論妻子與丈夫、兒

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3. The Ability to Self-Differentiate


Conclusion

女與父母、奴僕與主人都需要彼此尊重,因為我們不單

The Bible says, “A man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24, NIV) This teaches the need for children to mature and establish their own family independent from their parents. And while God wants man to unite with his wife as one flesh, God also values each person separately by commanding all believers to “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” (Ephesians 5:21, NIV)

是家庭和社會中的一員,我們每個人也是蒙神看顧的獨 特個體,也會按着個人所行的得主的賞賜

(弗6:8)。因

此,看重家庭成員在個人方面健康地成長,有助於建立 幸福的家庭關係。 (針對在這方面的需要,活現事工為家長和子女提供專業的訓 練課程,請留意我們今年十月十七日在核桃市的活動。)

Whether it is the husband and wife relationship, parents and children, or employers and employees, there needs to be mutual respect for the individual. We are not only a member of our family and our community, we are also individuals, each one loved by God, and each will be rewarded according to our deeds. (Ephesians 6:8) When we apply the three psychological concepts to raise healthy individuals in the family, we will together form a healthy and happy family.

Agnes Ip is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and a PhD candidate in Clinical Psychology specializing in multicultural-community clinical psychology. She holds a bachelor degree in Theology and a master degree in Clinical Psychology. In addition to leading Presence Ministry, Agnes is a professional counselor and a popular speaker on diverse subjects. 葉顏瑋茵女士是神學學士、臨床心理學碩士、加州家庭婚姻治 療師,目前進修臨床心理學博士,主修多元種族文化臨床心理 學。平日除了帶領活現同工隊之外,個人提供專業輔導,也經 常應邀在各教會擔任主日講道、主日學和多元互動專題講座的 講員。

(Presence Ministry will be holding a Parenting Conference in Walnut on October 17, 2009 with workshops addressing some of these issues. Contact our office for more information about the conference.)

First-Born-Daughter (FBD) Syndrome

長女情結 華人婦女與心理創傷論 Melvin W. Wong, Ph.D.

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

黃偉康博士 中文翻譯由黃博士提供

Introduction The purpose of this presentation is to introduce the concept of “First-born-daughter (FBD) complex, a pseudo-borderline coping style.” This constellation of characteristics of the FBD was derived from Chinese women. (FBD is most commonly manifested in the personality structure of the first-born, but it is also found in women of any birthorder who were brought up under analogous parenting dysfunctions.) They were in deep emotional turmoil while this author was providing psychological services to them. These services go beyond the scope of psychotherapy, including psychiatric emergencies, acute in-patient psychiatric services, forensic evaluations and expert testimonies (in family law) as well as through speaking engagements for the public.

引言

本文章將簡單介紹「長女情結」的特徵、起因及

解結之法。經過十多年的臨床觀察,並研究了200多位 亞裔女性,普遍在華裔或亞裔家庭的長女身上發現了 一些相同的心理困擾,於是將之作歸納,並提出「長 女情結」論的說法。(雖然這些特徵一般在長女身上 比較顯著,但一些在相似的家庭環境下長大的女性, 不論在家中的排行,也會有類似的心理狀態。)她們 通常在心理輔導的過程中都陷於極大的情緒波動,而 這種現象不僅發現於接受普通心理輔導的長女當中, 也發現於不同治療層面的長女身上。


While most of the characteristics of the FBD complex may carry a negative connotation, when the FBD is not under stress, she can be quite functional (the quiet borderline?) It is important to point out that the FBD complex is an ineffective coping style which impairs effective interpersonal relationships and intrapersonal functioning. This complex may overlap some of the features of the borderline personality disorder as described in the DSM.

Positive Qualities 1. Exceptional independence in carrying out personal responsibilities. Such as the ability for a retired woman to operate a sandwich shop single-handedly in a busy financial district such as San Francisco. 2. Exceptional dependability in carrying out a task delegated to them. They do their assignment very conscientiously, meticulously, laboriously and effectively without delay. 3. They are excellent with the care of young children due to extreme cautiousness.

雖然很多「長女情結」的特徵都是比較負面, 但當這些長女不是處於壓力之下,她們都能妥當 的處理事情,甚至比很多人更能幹。我想強調的 是,「長女情結」的心理症狀通常會影響她們的人際關 係,並帶來性格上的盲點。

她們的長處

這些長女的能力強,也很會辦事。她們比較自立,對

自己要完成的責任都勝任有餘,例如:一個已屬退休年齡 的長女可以在繁忙的三藩市商業區獨力打理一間小食店。 又或者你若需要託付她們做一些事情,這些長女都比較值 得信賴。她們都會盡責的、謹慎的、勤勞的、有效和準時 的完成答應做的事。因為她們謹慎及細心的性格,更是照 顧小孩和做小手工的能手。

她們的心理障礙與創傷

這些長女通常很固執,對世界和週遭事情有鎖定的看

4. They are excellent crafts-people and they love to do things with their hands.

法,所以較難適應轉變的環境,也不懂得面對壓力。而且

Psychopathology

安全感。因為思想較偏激,她們都缺乏巧妙和靈活地處理

1. Ineffective interpersonal style due to overly concrete in their perception of the world and events that surround them. They lack the luster of interpersonal subtlety that is important in the development of relationships. 2. Overly rigid with their perception and they are less able to shift mental sets to deal with a changing environment. A heightened sensitivity towards justice and fairness. High anxiety level & stress proneness. 3. They are not able to adjust effectively with social isolation. This characteristic is dependent on the level of functioning of the FBD. The lower the level the more problems with social alienation, being alone, fear of abandonment, and the overwhelming dread when having to face the evening by themselves. 4. They don’t necessarily do well academically. Usually they would do exceptionally well in early grade school years but their performance would slip when their family responsibilities became too demanding for them. 5. Emotional liability with an underlying dysthymic mood and restricted affect. 6. The overwhelming sense of meaninglessness and emptiness. Suicidal ideations are common with FBD’s. 7. The co-dependent behavior on a significant other. Heightened awareness of shame and guilt.

很容易有羞恥感及罪咎感,對公平及公義很敏感,更沒有 人際關係的技巧。但她們的感情也很脆弱,很多時都不能 面對孤單或被拒絕,但這個情況通常在心理困擾較嚴重的 長女身上發現,她們很怕被遺棄,甚至懼怕獨自面對黑 夜。有時感到生命沒有意義和空虛,易怒及易陷入憂鬱。

這些性格影響她們尋找丈夫,甚至影響日後養兒育女

的方法。她們對丈夫或男友要求很高,盼望從對方身上尋 回在父母那裡失去的愛和關懷,但一般普通的男性都不能 達到她們的要求。更可惜的是因為不了解自己感情上的需 要,而通常下嫁一個不能滿足自己的丈夫。這些長女對配 偶及子女也要事事支配,更會將自己的憤恨和恐懼投影在 感覺與自己比較親近的女兒身上(特別是最大的女兒)。

她們也會愛兒子多過女兒。很多時候以「羞恥」及「

不足」感作為教導子女的方法,使子女長大後也重蹈覆 轍,自覺不如別人及自卑。

形成的原因

由於中國文化是講求倫理的文化,有論資排輩和重男

輕女的觀念,一般而言,長女在成長期往往被父母忽略, 得到絕少的關心和鼓勵,還要肩負照顧弟妹及家務的責 任。所以,她們的成長沒有童年。(在中產家庭長大的長

8. They don’t do well with separations because they have unresolved grief and bereavement issues from their family of origin.

女可能承擔較小的家庭責任,但因為她們在家中排行最

9. The have an intense fear of rejection.

就成為唯一的對象了。做長女的沒有父親的愛,又只能接

10. They have ambivalent feelings towards significant male love-objects.

受母親的怨恨,更要充當母親的知己及輔導者的角色。自

大,所以也較容易被忽略和傷害。)而很多時侯父母的婚 姻裡沒有真愛,導致母親有很多怨恨,沒有人傾訴,長女

然地,她們對父親和兄弟很失望,甚至覺得被父親出賣。


這導致她們對母親又愛又恨,而對男人的要求很

Etiology of the FBD 1. The traditional Chinese belief that values males more than females and the mother’s worth on having a first-born son (重男輕女) are the precipitating factors. 2. Mothers of FBD are usually FBD’s themselves. They have not accepted themselves and they were not able to bring up FBD’s effectively. 3. FBD mothers usually became too enmeshed with their daughters and they projected what they didn’t like about themselves and their fears and insecurities as women onto their FBD’s. 4. FBD’s became their mother’s confidant and counselor at an young age. There was role-reversal and confusion. 5. FBD’s became their younger siblings’ surrogate mother and care-giver. There was gross experience of splitting. 6. There is usually the lack of a happy childhood because FBD’s have to care for her siblings at a young age.

   通常這些長女的母親本身也是長女,因為身 為長女的母親已不能接納自己,更枉能正常地教養自己的長 女,她們會很容易將怨恨、恐懼和不安全感投射給長女兒, 很多時候更以羞恥感、罪疚感、不足感、離間、分化和偏愛 某些子女作為教養兒女的方法,使她們長大後也重蹈覆轍。 有些帶有較嚴重心理症狀的長女往往在人際關係裡遭遇過重 大的打擊、分離、遺棄和傷害,她們很容易激動,甚至以離 家出走、自我切割、自殺、來逃避與報復不公平的對待。

長女的真實故事

其中一個研究個案是一位從中國大陸來美的六十歲婦

人,她從小就經常被母親責罵,不但擁有一個很不愉快的童 年,也不滿意現在的婚姻生活。丈夫很少和她溝通,卻經常 的向她吆喝。她不能信任他人,更常常以淚洗臉。她的性格 很固執,例如午餐永遠是吃火腿三文治。

另外是一位38歲居住三藩市的日本女性,因為她欠缺安

7. The lower functioning FBD’s are those who have suffered multiple interpersonal traumas, losses and rejections. It is not uncommon for low functioning FBD’s to develop the full borderline personality disorder.

全感,變得有強烈的擁有慾,對配偶要求很高,經常用不同

8. It is typical for FBD’s to have reduced impulse control and they may contemplate running away from home to escape injustice and they would have chronic suicidal ideations. Self-mutilations and suicide attempts are also common.

為她們對人要求很高。

9. They were disappointed with their fathers and their brothers. They felt that their fathers had betrayed them.

呢?因為她不能接受自己的心理創傷,便覺得女兒要和自己

10. They have been emotionally and physically abused. The use of shame, divisiveness, splitting, favoritism, nepotism and threats of separation and dread are commonalities in their upbringing.

解結的方法

Treatment Summary for FBD’s

Copyright © 1994-2009 All Rights Reserved

高,甚至沒有好感或憎恨。

的方式去控制她的丈夫,甚至以自殺來威脅。後來他們開始 了婚姻輔導,情況有點改善,但她卻逃避,不願意繼續接受 輔導。有「長女情結」的女性通常較難維繫親密的關係,因

還有一個20歲左右的美藉華裔女性,她非常討厭吃肥豬

肉,因為當她還小的時候,縱使強烈反對,她的母親仍然強 迫她吃肥肉。為什麼一位母親會對自己唯一的女兒這樣做 一樣接受心理創傷,使自己的情緒好過一點。

這種心理病症源自母親的怨恨,要解決需要從母親那裡

開始。要讓這些長女知道,她們的心理症狀是普遍存在於長 女身上,並解釋其因由。更要讓她們了解,母親是一種封建 制度下病態文化裡的犧牲者,並鼓勵她們必須首先走出這種

1. Through interpersonal and intrapersonal reconciliation by forgiveness and restoration of relationships.

病態文化的陰影。另外,她們需要學習饒恕,不但寬恕別人

2. Through the use of effective parenting skills on their own FBD’s. Such as the use of unconditional love.

內在和人際關係得以重整和修復。

3. Through the realization of their childhood aspirations. Dr. Melvin Wong is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist in California. He worked as an assistant clinical professor of Psychiatry at the University of California, San Francisco, School of Medicine, and was an attending psychologist at San Francisco General Hospital. Dr. Wong had spoke at Presence’s “Sexual Brokenness” Conference, “Pastoral Care for People with Gender Issues”, and “Communication with Teens” Workshops. Workshop DVDs are available through Presence. Please refer to our order form.

(特別她們的母親),更要懂得寬恕及接納自己,使破碎的

父母的親子教育也很重要,要讓父母知道如何避免女兒

陷入「長女情結」的心理症狀。健康的父母榜樣可以幫助這 些母親學習用無條件的愛去愛她們的子女,使她們能夠分開 行為和個人,並不是因為子女的乖與不乖而去表達愛。 黃偉康博士為加州執照臨床心理學家,曾任三藩市公立醫院精神科主 治心理醫師、加州大學三藩市分校醫學院精神科助理教授。曾受活現 事工邀請,在「性衝擊」研討會中擔任講員,並主講「性別輔導的理 論與實務」及 「與青少年子女溝通之難,難在?」若對黃博士的演講 DVD有興趣,請查閱活現事工訂購單。


Serve One Another in Love 用愛心彼此服侍

By Janet Fang 戚方向青

In traditional Chinese culture, there are various points of view when it comes to serving. We either think others look down on us when we serve, or conversely, we feel a sense of superiority when being served. In Chinese families, parents often teach the children to obey the elderly, and for the younger ones to serve the older ones. On the other hand, the Western culture promotes equality and respect for everyone, regardless of age or occupation. Even the service industry is well respected. All members in the family are to be treated fairly, whether you are the child, the parent, or the grandpa.

The Bible also talks about serving one another. In John 13:15, Jesus gives his disciples a new commandment to love one another. Christ Jesus demonstrated to His disciples how to serve one another in love by personally washing His disciples’ feet. (John 13; Galatians 5)

or who is younger, but it is about whether that is fair. Serve

The difference between the teachings of Jesus and the practices of the traditional Chinese and Western culture is motivation. Jesus teaches the disciples to serve one another out of love, whereas today’s culture encourages quid pro quo. Since we live in today’s culture, how then should we teach our children the Biblical way to serve others? As God’s children, God provides us with guidelines for serving one another in love. First, we are God’s creation and He loves all of us. Therefore, we must love and respect one another, whether we are the one who is serving or the ones being served. This principle challenges the traditional Chinese frame of mind. We must break through the concept that the younger generation should serve the older generation. Everyone, regardless of their age, should serve one another in love. In

在中國傳統的思想裡,對服侍他人,有不同的觀念。

服侍人,總覺得被看低;而被人服侍的,會覺得自己 比人高一等,有點沾沾自喜的感覺。在家庭裡,父母也 會常常教導孩子要順從長者,小的要服侍大的,年少的 要服侍年長的。但這在西方的文化裡,觀念就有些不同 了。在各種行業裡,不分高低,都提倡彼此尊重,服務 行業也被看重。在家庭裡,也是提倡彼此平等互惠,即 便父母和孩子,也是如此。Does not matter who is older one another under a fair condition.

聖經也有講到彼此服侍。耶穌基督曾給了他的門徒一

條新的命令,就是要彼此相愛(約13-15

)。其中,耶

穌基督教導門徒在愛裡彼此服侍,而他用為門徒洗腳的 實際行動,作了最好的榜樣(約13,加5)。耶穌基督 的教導與中國和西方文化的觀念的不同之處,是在於彼 此服侍的出發點的不同。耶穌基督要求門徒在愛的基礎 上彼此服侍,而世人的出發點往往多著重於彼此間的利 益關係上。那麼,身處於當今的社會文化,我們應當怎 樣教導我們的孩子學習服侍別人呢?

作為神的兒女,我們是蒙福的,因為神早已給了我們

一條準則,就是當在愛裡互相服侍。首先,人是神創造 的,他愛世上每個人。因此,我們也應當愛彼此,尊重

Grace upon Grace

You know how fast a child can grow into an adult? I just experienced my oldest daughter pursuing adulthood and starting college. I made a commitment to stay home for our kids when we planned to have kids. I laid aside the job of social worker and took up the yoke of a parent with joy and fear – the joy of procreation, fun and fulfillment mingled with fear of whether I would do a good job in the years ahead. As our first child moved to college far away, our hearts stayed close. This leaves our son as the ‘only child’ at home to continue his separate venture.

The Lord is kind. Once again, while I continue to enjoy being the mother of our son, He grants me the opportunity to involve in ministry that I laid aside 18 years ago. Joining Presence Ministry calls me to reflect and to integrate the long shelved theories, counseling practices, actual first hand personal experience in parenting with the needs of today. I will have so much to learn and even much more to grow.

Angel Mang

孟李美儀

恩典新里程 一轉眼已十八載──猶記當天欣然地收拾文檔,放 下社工的任務,退出江湖,專心養育孩子──長女 今天上大學了!回想過去的日子是豐富的、色彩繽 紛的;看著兒女成長更讚嘆確實是上帝滿溢的恩 典。在我繼續享受照顧家中的老幼「獨子」之際, 上帝仁慈地讓我參與活現事工的學習。在這兒,但 願有機會重拾早已擱在書架上的輔導理論和置於腦 後的實務經驗,並就過往養兒育女的親身體驗來作 出反省及整合。深信及期盼著在這團隊中,我將有 更多的學習和更深的體驗。


the family setting, parents should avoid overemphasizing the importance of their children serving the older generations. On the contrary, when parents serve their children, their children will feel the love and respect from their parents. By seeing the parents’ example, the children will respond by serving others with love. For example, my son has Taekwondo three times a week. During weekends when he experiences muscle pain in his legs, I take the initiative to massage his legs for him which he enjoys so much. One day, I came home exhausted and I rested on the sofa. My son came to me and asked “Mom, are you tired? Let me massage your shoulders for you!” I was so happy that my son has learned to care for me by offering to serve me.

彼此,無論是服侍的,或者是被服侍的。特別是對於中

Secondly, when we serve one another in love, we experience joy in our hearts rather than complaining. Feelings of injustice and disappointment will not be an issue anymore. When parents view taking care of their children as a dreaded duty, parents get upset at their children and blame them. This will give their children the misconception that serving others is nothing but torture. Just like Martha in the Bible, she was upset when she had to serve Jesus and complained to Him. (Luke 10) Martha failed to focus on the reason for her service. Therefore, the service became a chore to her instead of an act of love.

媽,你很累嗎?讓我為你搥搥背。”當時,我覺得兒子

The Bible teaches us that “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs.” (1 Corinthians 13:4 - 5) Therefore, parents ought to follow Jesus’ footsteps and teach their children to serve in love. We must set a good example for our children, always be ready to serve willingly and not expect anything in return. When we experience joy in serving in this way, our children will also learn to be happy to serve. The lessons of serving one another in love should not stop at the level of family and individuals. One day, our children will leave us and be continuing members of society. We must begin to teach our children at a young age to serve our community at

Amy Lin

林宛蓉

Amy came to the United States from Taiwan in 2005. She received her MS Education (concentration TESOL) from California State University, Fullerton in 2009. Growing up in a “semi-Christian family,” she sees how God could use family to raise up a generation that seeks Him. She is currently working part-time at Presence Ministry, responsible for writing, translation, and editing.

宛蓉2005年從台灣來到美國,2009年從加州州立大學 富樂頓分校拿到英語教學的碩士,身長在一個「半基 督教家庭」,她看見神如何使用家庭來建立一個尋求 神的世代。目前在活現事工負責文字及翻譯的工作。

國的傳統思想來說,需要衝破那種尊卑的觀念,男女老 少都可以互相服侍。例如,在家裡,父母可以避免過度 的強調兒女一定要服侍長輩。相反,當父母主動服侍兒 女時,孩子會感受到父母對他們的愛和尊重。這樣,父 母其實已經給兒女們作了學習的榜樣了。就拿我的兒子 作例子。他每星期上三堂跆拳道,常常到週末的時候, 會覺得腿酸痛。每當此時,我會主動按摩他的腿。兒子 當然是很喜歡。有一天,我下班回到家裡,特別累,躺 在沙發上休息。這時,兒子來到我身邊,對我說,“媽 也學會關心和服侍我了,覺得好開心。

其次,當我們用愛心彼此地服侍時,我們會得著喜

樂,還能避免發牢騷,失望,或者不公平的感覺。父母 照顧兒女,是一種責任,也被看作一件常事。但父母也 常難免在照顧孩子的同時,對孩子發牢騷,說些怪責他 們的話。當父母常這樣做的時候,他們有可能帶給孩子 一種錯覺,就是服侍人是件苦差事。就如聖經裡的馬 大,在服侍主耶穌時,向主抱怨(路10)。因為馬大 沒有認清服侍的重心處在哪裡,服侍便有可能變成一件 苦差事了。久而久之,孩子不單學不到彼此服侍的功 課,相反,他們可能會在服侍人的時候變得斤斤計較, 而不是樂意地。神教導我們,“愛是恆久忍耐,又有恩 慈;。。。不求自己的益處,不輕易發怒,不計算人的 惡”(林前13:4-5)。因此,父母服侍兒女,也當行 在神教導我們的愛裡。要教導我們的孩子懂得服侍人, 我們自己首先要作他們的表率,心甘樂意地服侍他們, 不圖回報。那樣,我們在服侍中,才能感到快樂。

Kathy Chung I graduated from CSUF with a degree in Music Education. I have worked with children of different ages. As a mother of 2 children, I fully understand how hard it is to raise our kids with Christian values in America. I believe in Presence’s vision: training parents and children to build their families on a solid rock---Jesus Christ should be the ultimate groundwork.

我畢業於 CSUF的音樂教育學士,接觸過不同年紀的青少年。 我又是兩個孩子的母親,深深明白培養孩子擁有基督的價值 觀實在很難。我非常認同活現的異象:幫助父母和孩子建立 家庭在穩固的磐石上—耶穌基督才是最基要的工作。


The most valuable lesson that parents can teach their children about serving is to actively serve God together with them. For example, since my son was 2 years old, I’ve brought him with us to short-term mission trips every summer. Not only is he thankful to God for how much he has, compared to the under-privileged, he also has firsthand experience and a deeper understanding of what is involved in serving God and spreading the gospel. Going on short-term mission trips is much more meaningful to him than going to summer school. In teaching children how to serve with love, the key is encouragement and support from the parents. The attitude of the parents would greatly influence the way children view serving others. Parents need to help children find opportunities to serve. Parents must walk with their children and help them to mature. Short-term mission trips, caring for the homeless and the elderly in the community are all great opportunities for children to learn to serve others with love. I encourage every parent to bring your children when you serve others during this coming Thanksgivings and Christmas holidays.

此外,父母教導孩子學習服侍的功課,不單在家裡,還需

要延續到社區裡,以至到神的國度。學習服侍的功課,不應 只停留在家裡及個人的層面。因為我們的孩子有一天,終會離 開家,要面對社會的。所以,我們還要教導孩子服務社會,而 且從小就可以開始。去年聖誕前夕,我有機會帶著我的兩個孩 子,四歲和九歲,一起參予教會裡的一項探訪活動。我們去到 一所老人公寓和老人院,為那裡的老人唱聖誕頌歌,派給他們 一些小禮物。看著那些平常孤單的老人,臉上露出笑容,我們 都很感動。孩子從參與類似的活動中,學習走出自己的小圈圈 和服侍別人。進一步的,就是父母可以從小教導兒女服侍神, 而父母和孩子一起的參與,父母的直接引導和給於孩子的榜 樣,是最有力的教導。例如,從我的大兒子兩歲起,每年暑假 我都盡可能帶同他,參與教會提供到外地的短宣。兒子從這些 經歷中,不但學習到為自己所擁有的感恩,對傳福音和宣教也 有了直接的認識和深刻的印象,更對服侍神的意思有所了解。 這些的參與對他來說,肯定要比上暑期班有意義。

在教導孩子學習服侍的功課時,父母的鼓勵和支持是非常

關鍵的。父母的態度會影響孩子對服侍別人的看法。父母需要 為孩子尋找參與的機會。父母與孩子同行,更能幫助孩子的成 長。除了參加短宣,感恩節和聖誕節期間,對社區的流浪漢和 老人的關顧活動,都是孩子學習的好機會。在這裡,我鼓勵每 一位父母,在今年的感恩節和聖誕節期間,帶領你們的孩子一 起學習用愛心彼此服侍。

Janet Fang earned a B.A. degree in Human Development and will graduate with an M.A. degree in Child Development in 2009. For the past 16 years, Janet worked in the field of early childhood education as a preschool teacher and a daycare director. Early childhood development has always been the focus of her academic and career pursuits. Janet is available to speak on related topics. Please contact Presence for scheduling.

Early Childhood Development Workshop 幼兒發展講座 On August 8th, Presence speaker Janet Fang spoke to a group of mothers at the Monterey Park Chinese Baptist Church on the topic of Early Childhood Development. All the moms appreciated Janet’s extensive knowledge of the subject and the thorough answers she gave to their questions. It was an enriching experience for all who attended.

八月八號,活現講員戚方向青在慕 道園華人浸信會,與媽媽們分享「幼兒發展」。她們從講員 豐富的知識中獲益良多,問題也得到解答,對每個參與者來 說,這都是一個豐盛的經驗。

戚方向青女士,擁有16年幼兒教育經驗,先取得人類成長 學學士,並將完成兒童成長學碩士學位。戚女士一直致力 於兒童早期發展的研究和工作。若有意邀請戚女士演講相 關主題,請洽活現事工。

Youth Fellowship Workshop • 青年團契工作坊 In the past months, several Presence speakers had the opportunity to teach at the youth group at Mandarin Baptist Church of Pasadena. The topics included “Dealing with peer pressure”, “Seeing yourself through God’s eyes”, and “Modesty in a sexualize culture”. The youth were very receptive in learning about these subjects that are particularly relevant to them.

在過去幾個月中,幾位活現講員很榮幸在培城國語浸信會 的青少年團契中分享。主題包括「處理同儕壓力」、「從 神的眼光看自己」、以及「在性開放的社會中談聖潔」。 青少年們都覺得這些主題很有意義,也學到很多。

If you are interested in inviting Presence speakers to teach at any of your venues, please contact our office.

若您有興趣邀請活現講員到您的團契或教會中分享,請聯絡活現辦公室。

Copyright © 2009 All Rights Reserved

large. Last Christmas Eve, I brought my two children, 4 and 9, to visit senior apartments and convalescent homes as part of our church’s activities. We sang Christmas carols to the elderly and presented them with gifts. We were all very touched by the smiles on the faces of the elderly. From these visits, our children learned to step out of their little circle of friends and serve others in love.


Calendar for Presence Ministry 活現事工行事曆 DATE 日期

LocatioN 地點

EvenT 活動

8/16

First Church of the Nazarene of Pasadena 帕巿第一宣 聖會

Sunday Sermon: Spiritual Life in Financial Tsunami

AugSept

First Church of the Nazarene of Pasadena 帕巿第一宣 聖會

Sunday School: Personal Bias, Faith, and Interpersonal dynamics 主日學:偏見、信仰 與人際互動

Aug ~ Nov

Presence Ministry 活現事工

10/04

Presence Ministry 活現事工

10/16

First Chinese Baptist Church - Walnut

第一華人浸 信會核桃市

10/17

First Chinese Baptist Church - Walnut

第一華人浸 信會核桃市

10/18

Evangelical Free Church of Walnut 羅省東區華 人播道會

主日講道:經濟困 難中的屬靈生命

Couple Camp Follow-Up Group 活現婚姻成長營跟 進聚會

Speakers 講員

Agnes Ip 葉顏瑋茵

葉顏瑋茵

Agnes Ip 葉顏瑋茵

Friends of Presence Open House 活現之友開放日 Cantonese Adult Fellowship: Realizing Your Dream 粵語成人團契:昨 日的夢、今日的我 Family Conference: Effective Parenting for the 21st Century 家庭聯合講座:當 個二十一世紀出色 的父母 Sunday Sermon: Cultural Mission 主日講道:文化 宣教

Agnes Ip 葉顏瑋茵

Presence Ministry Team 活現事工 團隊

those who struggle with same gender attractions

愛與希望 :用你的 心,貼近與同性戀 掙扎的朋友

Presence Ministry Financial Report 活現事工財政報告

若您願意支持活現事工在 設備和培訓上的需要, 請把支票或信用卡授權 表寄給我們,表格在奉獻

01/01/2009 - 08/31/2009 Agnes Ip 葉顏瑋茵

信封上。支票抬頭請寫

Income 收入

$ 54,724.34

“Presence” 。

Expense 支出

$ 45,451.36

If you desire to support Presence in equipping these ministries, please attach your check or credit card authorization form and mail it back to us. Please find the form at Presence Offering Envelope. All checks payable to “Presence”.

Surplus as of 8/31/09 $ 9,272.98 Current Liability: - $ 10874.11

Understanding

11/14

Hope & Love

Agnes Ip

Hope and Love: Calvary Chapel Chino Hills

愛 與 希 望

August to October 2009 二零零九年八月至十月

Sarah Yang Alan Shlemon

2004-08/31/09 Deficit 總赤字 - $2,823.77

Editing and Translation Team: Janice Teng, Amy Lin, Katy Lee, Jocelyn Loie, Lily Ma, Jinny Chow Designer: Ada Tran


non-profit org us postage

paid

City of Industry,ca permit no.4468

Presence Ministry 20651 Golden Springs Dr., #104, Walnut, CA 91789

Change Service Requested

www.presencefamily.org info@presencefamily.org 909.595.4007

Open House

Special Prayer for Taiwan: Typhoon Morakot hit Taiwan and caused a disastrous flood and a great deal of catastrophe. Please pray for the post-disaster reconstruction for the victims’ families.

Please continue in your prayers for the family: To Our Dear Faithful Supporters,

Date & Time: Sunday

Oct 04, 2009 3pm-5pm.

Location: 20460 Carrey Road Walnut, CA 91789

By God’s grace Presence is celebrating our sixth anniversary on September 7th of this year. We could really see God’s hand on our ministry as we started from scratch with a vision to make an impact on our culture through our Christian faith. Today we have five part-time staff and twentysix volunteers who are regularly helping us with our ongoing ministry activities. We would like to personally thank you, from the bottom of our hearts for your support of Presence Ministry over the last six years. I want to invite you to this open house so that I can meet you in person. You’ll see how God is blessing us together through this ministry. It is my hope that you will be encouraged as you see the various ways God is touching the lives of so many people through Presence Ministry. Looking forward to seeing you.

Agnes Ip

1. For Christian parents to diligently pass on Christian values to their children. 2. For our children not to be swayed by false teachings. 3. For our youth and college students to stand firm in their Christian faith in the face of opposition.

請特別為台灣禱告: 莫拉克颱風帶來的強風豪雨,造成台灣嚴重災 情,資源缺乏,地勢偏遠地區更受災嚴重。請為 救災後續工作的順利及災民的家園重建禱告。

請繼續為家庭守望: 1. 祈禱基督徒家長能更積極地傳遞合乎聖經的 價值觀給他們的孩子。 2. 祈禱孩子的信仰不會被錯誤的教導所搖動。 3. 祈禱青少年和大學生能夠在反對聲浪中,更 堅定自己的基督信仰。

Presence Newsletter 2009 October  

Three Essential Concepts of Wise Parenting

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