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FREE EVERY WEDNESDAY / VOL • 13 NO • 30 / DECEMBER 12 - 18, 2012 / Hey You, With The Pretty Face. Welcome To The Human Race.

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MAYOR SAM ADAMS: The Exit Interview

P.11

for a full schedule visit WWW.mikETHRAsHERPREsENTs.cOm follow us online at: facebook.com/mikethrasherPresents · twitter.com/mikethrasherPdX · www.mysPace.com/mikethrasherPresents

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& LONERO

7:00pm doors 21 and over

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Bass pLayer for joe satrIanI, steve vaI and erIc johnson

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c R y s T A L b A L L R O O m

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RENdEREd usELEss

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Sat 12/15

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9:30 p.m.

7:00pm doors aLL aGes Bar W/proper Id

& WARbEAsT

Thur 12/20

Wild Bells · Big Big Love Lone Madrone 8:30 p.m.

8

7:00pm doors aLL aGes Bar W/proper Id

thursday, december 13

LA disPuTE

5:30 p.m. is “EAGLE TimE”

brOthers OF the hOuNd

& THE mENziNGERs

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11

FrIday, december 14 5:30 p.m. is “EAGLE TimE”

reVerb brOthers

20

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7:00pm doors aLL aGes Bar W/proper Id

saturday, december 15

on saLe

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fORbiddEN symPHONy

4:30 p.m. is “EAGLE TimE”

the studeNt lOaN

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portlandmercury.com December 12th, 2012

tuesday, december 18 WAkinG VoicEs

JustIN Jude amaya VIllaZaN PattI KING VaNPOrt sPOtlIGht: deIrdre atKINsON 8:30 p.m.

7

wedNesday, december 19 sTAnTonoVA prEsEnTs

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suNday, december 16

mONday, december 17

THu jAN

cOmiNG amerIcan rouLette · nomeansno · souLfLy · the WaILers · the resIdents sOON: fLoGGInG moLLy · murs · reBeLutIon · soILWork · vans Warped tour 2013 2

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NOTES lovenotes@portlandmercury.com LETTERS MAY BE EDITED FOR SPACE

WHO LIKES TO POLY? RE: “Poly-Clamorous” [Savage Love, Dec 5], in which readers discuss the legitimacy of polyamorous as a sexual orientation. DEAR MERCURY—Thanks to this article every swingin’ dick and clam in Portland is gonna be going around claiming they’re poly. Fuck it, I’m poly, too. Nathaniel Sherwood

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or perhaps being mugged, raped, or turning to alcohol to be warm and sleep. posted by Marynichols1 Marynichols1—I think the work you do is very important. However, while we do have the right to life, how we live that life is our own responsibility. This city offers some of the best social services for the homeless on the West Coast. Portland gives and gives, yet more and more we are told we are not doing enough. Surely you have seen what the situation in Seattle is like, where it is damn near a felony to sleep on the street. Also, as citizens, we enjoy many constitutional rights and protections, but I’m pretty sure that camping equipment is not one of them. posted by iceprez

Bagdad TheaTer

Monday, December 31 · New Year's Celebration with

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Transportation is the reason that I avoid this neighborhood like the plague. If I’m lucky enough to find parking at all, it’s several blocks from where I want to go. I don’t mind paying a couple bucks to park, but I do mind driving around for 10 minutes looking for a spot. posted by Torgo

HOTEL & BALLROOM

CRYSTAL BALLROOM Abstract Earth presents

thur and fri dec 27-28 all ages

LOVELAB: WHERE DREAMS COME TRUE TO NOVAROCK—I saw you four years ago on the Mercury’s Lovelab… We chatted online for a while, all the while studying that picture of your face, and from the first time I saw it I felt I recognized you. One impulsive Friday after a long week I asked, “Are you free?” And you were. The rest is history, baby. I’ve loved you since Bailey’s, up and down the highways of California twice, all the way to the Yucatan and back. Thank you for the pints, paws, and laughter. For being almost as weird as me, and a “terrible person” to boot. For showing me the edges of reason and the depths of myself. You are my rock and my partner, home is whenever I’m with you. Happy four years my love, and here’s hoping to at least 44 more. <3 JRabbit

RIGHT TO FIGHT RE: “Keeping the Vigil” [News, Dec 5], on the observance of the one-year anniversary of the city hall camping vigil. Don’t encourage them. posted by frankieb Getting the right to sleeping bags, basic needs, and tarps is not only constitutional and moral, but it also prevents genocide. Have a heart. Come light a candle. Let’s win what should never be taken away from any human being, that people have a right to life—which includes safe sleep. For the person who said, “Don’t encourage them,” I hope to god you are not believing in some ethical, religious, or moral creed that you would deny people a right to protest by sleeping in front of city hall, where they can be seen and there’s not even any businesses, where cops and security make it safe, and where people take care of each other. Come by. But don’t support genocide. People don’t just end up okay after becoming homeless through some horrible circumstance and not being able to recover from a simple cough, portlandmercury.com

JACKMorMoNs

CRYSTAL TWO NIGHTS!

“Don’t I’m with Torgo. This also might be unpopular with bicyclists, encourage of which I am one, but it’s time them.” we also start collecting user fees for bicyclists. People are going to start asking questions [like] why we allow free bike parking on street right of ways while cracking down on free car parking. Nothing too onerous, but it’s only fair and will only strengthen the bike community in Portland. More money into PBOT means more bike lanes. posted by ws

AND The

THE

THE WOE OF TRANSPO RE: “A Temporary Armistice” [News, Dec 5], regarding the mayor’s negotiation of parking problems in Northwest Portland with neighbors and business owners.

Jerry Joseph

& tHe parliament FunkadeliC

Feature

GeorGe Clinton

News

BEATS ANTIQUE

80s VIDEO DANCE ATTACK

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WITH VJ KITTYROX

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sat dec 22 $6 • 9 p.m. • 21 & over • lola’s room

12/29-31 1/18

OH JRABBIT, dreams really do come true. For cute-ing us out you win the Mercury letter of the week and two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater—hello, date night.

COVER PHOTO:

Remember! Tickets are available for online purchase up to one hour after show time. Buy from your mobile and pick up at will call!

COVER ART:

danceonair.com

Be first iN! Robbie Augspurger robbieaugspurger.com

115 SW Ash St., Suite 600 Portland, OR 97204 • 503-294-0840 • info@portlandmercury.com

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SENIOR EDITOR Erik Henriksen MUSIC Ned Lannamann

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AL’S DEn at CRYSTAL

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December 12th, 2012 portlandmercury.com

3

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4 portlandmercury.com December 12th, 2012

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ONE DAY

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at a time THE WEEK IN REVIEW

The headline from TMZ says it all: “Kate Middleton: I’m Royally KNOCKED UP!” (And by “says it all,” we mean TMZ is the worst.) TMZ then terribly continued, “Kate Middleton just announced… she’s got a CRUMPET IN THE OVEN!!!” (Why does TMZ keep screaming at us?) Anyway, Kate Middleton—AKA the Duchess of Cambridge, whose hubby is Prince William—is indeed in the early stages of pregnancy and was rushed to King Edward VII Hospital in London today with severe morning sickness. For those keeping tally, this new BAKIN’ A CRUMPET baby will put Prince Harry in the number-three position for the throne (following Prince Charles and then William), which will probably suit him just fine since being king would cut into his cavorting nude with an assortment of naked Las Vegas gals (see the August 30, 2012, edition of One Day for that deliciously sordid story). BUT WE DIGRESS! As mentioned earlier, Preggo Kate and her royal fetus were rushed to the hospital for morning sickness… which inspired Australian shock jocks Mel Greig and Michael Christian to call the nurse on duty, and trick her into revealing confidential information by pretending to be Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Charles. While they were “distinctly amateur impersonations” (according to the Telegraph), the nurse did reveal intimate details of Kate’s treatment and condition, and even suggested when the queen might visit. HERE’S WHERE THE STORY GOES ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE. Three days after the prank took place, the nurse who released the confidential information committed suicide—almost certainly because of fallout from the call. The shock jocks immediately apologized for their behavior, though their show has already been canceled after a huge outpouring of angry complaints. Soooo… confidential to Kate Middleton’s future baby: This is just the sort of crazy thing you can expect from being born into the royal family… every day for the rest of your life. Congratulations?

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 4 Our fave celebrity in the world, Lindsay Lohan, is trying to accomplish two things this week: (1) proving her innocence in last week’s “slapping a psychic silly” club brawl, and (2) hopping into the warm pants of boy band heartthrob Max George. (She’s our “fave” because she knows her priorities.) After allegedly getting drunk and sucker punching Miami palm reader Tiffany Mitchell (whom she also called a “gypsy”—oops) last week in a NYC nightclub, Lindsay is reportedly hiring a private detective to dig up any dirt she can get on Tiff before the matter goes to court. LiLo apparently thinks she’s once again being set up by yet another moneyhungry fame seeker—though this time, at least according to one source, she might not be far off base. According to a Palm Beach woman speaking anonymously to Gossip Extra (via the Daily Mail) this wouldn’t be the first time Tiffany “used her psychic abilities to extort money” and she accused the palm reader of charging her $43,000 to “cleanse her aura.” (For cleaning a normal person’s aura, $43 grand is too expensive. But for Lindsay? That’s a LOT of work for a little money.) MEANWHILE… Lindsay is also keeping busy

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being completely obsessed with and possibly stalking Max George, the admittedly hunky singer from boy band the Wanted. According to TMZ, Linds was not only drooling over Max in concert the night she got into that slugfest with Tiffany, she also somehow managed to sneak backstage during his following show in Philadelphia—and according to everyone in the know, she was not invited. C’mon! Give her a chance, Max, and let Lindsay cook dinner for you! We hear she’s great at boiling bunnies.

by Ann Romano

MONDAY, DECEMBER 3

Fashion

AHOY! Welcome Aboard…

The

S.S. Thailand on a Boat!

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 5

by Captain Gene Straczynski

Today celebrity gossip troll Rihanna twattered another picture solely designed to drive a rusty nail file into our brain: her, wearing sexy underwear, sitting next to a cigarettesmoking, smirking Chris Brown. In a related story, STOP IT STOP IT STOOOOOP IIIIIIIIIIT!!!

A

re YOU jealous of Washington State’s ability to get gay married and smoke pot wherever they want—even in a children’s tuberculosis ward? Then come aboard the S.S. Thailand on a Boat—a morality-free, completely lawless pontoon boat cruisin’ up and down the Willamette, where you can marry anyone (or thing) you want, while smoking bongs and bongs of mind-fuckin’ marijuana! How can we do this without legal repercussions? Because the Willamette River legally classifies as “international waters!”* And while doing either of these things will surely get you locked up on land, Oregon laws do not apply while sailing on the S.S. Thailand on a Boat!† When you’re on the S.S. Thailand on a Boat, it’s just like being in Thailand… ON A BOAT. But smoking insane amounts of weed and entering into holy wedlock with your gay lover(s) aren’t the only joys you can experience on the S.S. Thailand on a Boat! You can also…

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 6 It was reported today that the worst monster in the universe—the slithering reptilian gargoyle known as Kim Kardashian—caused a riot today in a Bahrain mall while launching one of her new milkshake shops. (So what’s the shop called, anyway? “This Milkshake Is Poisoned”?) According to the Daily News, thousands of fans—who paid up to $1,360 per ticket (!!!)—broke into frenzied screams as Kardashian held aloft one of her stupid milkshakes. Meanwhile, around 100 hard-line Muslims protested outside, yelling about her “extremely bad reputation”—which is a pretty “soft-line” way of putting it, if you ask us—and were pelted by police with stun grenades for their trouble. Congrats on the new milkshake shop, Kim! Maybe “stun grenade” can be the flavor of the month. (Don’t forget to drizzle it with human tears!)

★ Shoot heroin! Snort cocaine! Eat bath salts! Whatever! Fun is the name of the game on the S.S. Thailand on a Boat! ★ Set fires! Stab people! Steal! Again—if you can do it in Thailand, you can do it on the S.S. Thailand on a Boat! ★ Have sex! With real live prostitutes! Or animals! Or both! Life is just easier on the S.S. Thailand on a Boat. ★ Ram other boats! We like to have a good time on the S.S. Thailand on a Boat.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 7 “You could actually see him confronting the pain and after a while he looked up at me and said, ‘I feel better,’ so I said, ‘Okay, end of assist,’” John Travolta recently told the Scientology-run Celebrity magazine. “He had gotten noticeably better and I was chomping at the bit for more.” Such is the tale of a man in China who Travolta saved… with Scientology! “I was in Shanghai recently at a work event and the master of ceremonies’ best friend has recently gotten into a car wreck,” Travolta explained. “He had broken his ankle and was in constant MAGIC FINGERS! pain. I asked him permission to do some Scientology assists and he said, ‘Okay, sure.’” And thus, the healing began. “Indeed, the ‘assist’ techniques—first taught to Grand Master L. Ron, as we all know, by Grabilfrex the Healer—are terrifyingly effective, especially on the BFFs of masters of ceremonies who live in Shanghai, China, on your pitiful planet ‘Earth,’” Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII, chief spokesalien for Scientology, said when asked for comment. “Good to see you primitive primates are finally starting to accept actual science.” MEANWHILE… Last year, doddering old Hugh Hefner was practically left at the altar—his supposed child bride, Crystal Harris, bailed on him five days before their wedding ceremony. Well, they’re engaged again! So now you know! (“Oh, dear. Now that is just ridiculous,” Emperor Klaktu said, even though he was not asked for comment. “Hef should have more self-respect than that.”)

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 8 Thought we were done with Lindsay? For this week, at least? Nope! The IRS has seized Lindsay Lohan’s bank accounts in an attempt to get at least $233,904 in unpaid taxes. And the situation could get even worse if Lohan (a) has her parole revoked for her 2011 shoplifting shenanigans, (b) is convicted of lying to police about her car crash last June, or (c) continues to mysteriously misplace her money, like the $100,000

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So what are you waiting for? You’re not going to get ANY of these things until at least 2016 while standing on the repressive Oregon shore. Join me aboard the S.S. Thailand on a Boat—where we bring the lawlessness of Thailand to you. On a boat! For reservations on the S.S. Thailand on a Boat, go to FuckYouJohnnyLawIAmOnaBoat.com. *Editor’s note: No, it doesn’t.

† Editor’s note: Yes, they do.

she recently pocketed to promote an energy drink. “Lindsay is freaking out,” a source tells the New York Post. “She’s doing what she always does, which is say it’s not her fault and point the finger at someone else in her team.” “Lindsay is a disaster with money,” another “friend” tells the Post. “But she’s a hustler and always finds somebody at the last minute to bail her out.” Somebody like, say… Charlie Sheen, who, out of the pure and sweet goodness of his heart, recently gave the troubled starlet $100,000 when HERO she told him about her money woes. “I’m still waiting for a text to say ‘thank you,’” a saddened Sheen mumbled to Entertainment Tonight. “Anything. Anything, you know?” Wow. We never thought we’d say this, but… Charlie? You should’ve known better.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 9 “Martha Stewart was stricken with salmonella after handling too many Thanksgiving turkeys,” the New York Post reports. “I never get sick, but I came down with salmonella. I think I caught it because I was handling so many turkeys around Thanksgiving. I was on the Today show, I did a number of other appearances,” Stewart droned. “It hit me really hard and I was in bed for days. It was terrible. I lost some weight, though.” Next year, Martha, maybe keep a physician nearby so this doesn’t happen again? We hear John Travolta’s available.

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The Coal Hard Truth What You Should Know About Plans to Ship Coal Through Portland by Alex Zielinski

AST THURSDAY, December 6, the Oregon Department of Environmental Quality (DEQ) held what it guessed to be the largest public meeting in the office’s history. From enraged seventysomethings to blushing fifthgraders, the 700-plus attendees packed into a Portland conference hall came from a wide range of backgrounds and social pockets to discuss one highly controversial issue: exporting coal through Oregon and Washington ports. In 2011, coal energy giant Ambre Energy proposed a project—under the banner of smaller company Morrow Pacific—that would haul Midwest coal to at least two export terminals via barges on the Columbia River and/or trains that would slice through Portland. Ships would then deliver that coal to Asia. Ever since, folks from across the Northwest have been sharing strong views—concerns over air and water pollution on one side of the debate, promises of jobs on the other. But in the midst of the tumultuous conversation, clear answers to seemingly simple questions have been trampled by fine print and finger-pointing. While many of these answers remain blurry, others could use a bit more focus. So here we go! WHAT’S BEEN DECIDED? Nothing, really. That’s what makes the topic so hard to hash out. So far, Morrow Pacific has submitted its proposals for two Oregon export terminals (at Boardman’s Port of Morrow and Columbia City’s Port of St. Helens) to both the Oregon Department of State Lands and DEQ. The Army Corps of Engineers is also reviewing permits for train-fed terminals in both Washington and Oregon. All proposals are still in the public comment stage. DEQ won’t have its first permit hearing until at least next year. WHO’S AGAINST IT AND WHY? The Portland and Milwaukie City Councils, Metro, a handful of Northwest tribes, Multnomah County, Governor John Kitzhaber, and

a variety of other local agencies have spoken out against coal exports. Locally, many Portlanders are concerned about air pollution from proposed coal trains chugging through town. Oregonians closer to the proposed terminals are also worried about fires on barges hauling coal, mercury pollution in drinking water, and coal dust ruining nearby farmland. Currently, the Multnomah County Health Department is leading a review of potential health hazards from coal trains.

RYAN BUBNIS

WHO’S FOR IT AND WHY? One of the few pro-coal attendees at last week’s meeting, Robert Crane, has worked in construction for more than 40 years. Crane said exports could turn the state’s construction economy around. “This is huge for my industry, for my family, and for the jobless construction workers across the state,” Crane said. Morrow Pacific promises 1,000 permanent operations jobs and 2,100 temporary construction jobs at its two proposed terminals as early as 2014. Additionally, the company says it will pay hundreds of thousands in property taxes, as well as hefty port fees. WHO GETS TO DECIDE? Despite the demands from local leaders and the public, the fate of coal is not in their hands. If the slew of permits under consideration by multiple state agencies all pass, then the proj-

ect’s good to go. Aside from one potential endaround: federal intervention. If the federal government calls for a sweeping review of the plan—which many local agencies and Kitzhaber are requesting—and if the feds find it flawed, then the show’s over. But Eric Nigg, DEQ’s water quality manager, said the feds have shown no signs (yet) that they’ll step in. WHY IS THIS PROJECT SO DAMN FRUSTRATING? Sure, massive projects at the mercy of a bureaucratic process usually come with a fair share of griping. But this project seems to come with an extra heap of fist-shaking baggage—much of it driven by the overlapping, uncertain, and downright confusing set of players involved. From coal-mine regulations in Wyoming to local counties’ restrictions, everyone’s got a finger in the pie. For this project to see daylight, all of these interests must line up. Last Thursday’s four-hour meeting illustrated the public’s frustration with this disconnect. After each specific question—ranging from salmon health to fruit tree pollution—the DEQ panel produced a similar response. “I feel like a broken record,” admitted Mark Fisher, DEQ senior permit writer. “But that area is beyond our scope.” The permit up for discussion at that meeting dealt solely with the plans for a coal terminal— and not the system that would take the coal there. This scattered regulation has left many advocates worried about clashing environmental standards between agencies, leaving a bigger mess than what they started with. “The reason I became an environmental lawyer was because of these kind of meetings,” said Brett VandenHeuvel, director of Columbia Riverkeeper. “I would hear representatives say, over and over again, like tonight, that it’s ‘not in our jurisdiction.’ And I’d think, ‘Bullshit.’ It’s Kafkaesque to be here tonight and not ask, ‘What the hell is going on?’”

Nothin’ but Net Profits

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Worried Nike Will Flee, Governor Proposes a Special Tax Deal by Sarah Mirk

IKE’S NOT breaking up with Oregon, says Governor John Kitzhaber, but the employer of 8,000 local workers is “actively negotiating” new relationships in other states. To keep the sportswear giant based in Oregon, Kitzhaber announced a surprise plan on Monday, December 10: an emergency vote by the Oregon Legislature on a law that would let the governor negotiate his own tax agreements with companies looking to seriously invest in Oregon. The plan—made publicly available by Tuesday, December 11, just three days before the scheduled vote—would let the governor lock in the state’s current tax structure for any company promising to add 500 jobs and $150 million in capital investment over five years. Nike is planning an expansion that Kitzhaber says will add 12,000 jobs to Oregon, and the company is “seeking assurance that the state won’t change its tax rules after they make this commitment.” “They didn’t say, ‘If you don’t do this, we’re leaving,’” said Kitzhaber. “But they did say they have active negotiations with other states.” The move bewildered politicos who say there is no plan afoot to change Oregon’s tax structure. Meanwhile, Kitzhaber’s proposal could grant the governor powers that circum-

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vent the legislature purely to benefit the bottom line of large corporations. The proposal also highlights the fact that Oregonians are unable to see how much individual corporations pay in state taxes. Corporate taxes make up 7.2 percent of the state’s general fund, but state law bans making individual corporate tax payments public.

“It’s wrong for the governor to make a promise that affects a single company.” —Chuck Sheketoff, Oregon Center for Public Policy The governor is likely moving quickly because the lame-duck legislature that leaves this month (with the House split evenly between Republicans and Democrats) will be an easier sell than next year’s. “I think it’s a real bad deal,” says Chuck Sheketoff of the progressive tax-watching group Oregon Center for Public Policy (OCPP). “It’s

portlandmercury.com December 12th, 2012

wrong for the governor to make a promise that affects a single company.” Potentially driving the deal is a lawsuit filed in July by California-based insurance company Health Net. The lawsuit argues that Oregon’s current “single-sales factor” tax structure is unfair, demanding the state switch back to its old tax structure. That system—although more costly to companies like Nike and Intel—cost Health Net less. Nike is a huge player in the state economy. It’s one of Oregon’s only two Fortune 500 companies and employs more than 8,000 people locally. Before 2001, Oregon determined corporate taxes based on three factors: payroll, property, and in-state sales. Under pressure from Nike and other large Oregon employers, the rules changed in 2001 to determine taxes based only on in-state sales. The switch to the “single-sales factor” structure—which the governor’s plan seeks to lock in—saves Nike $16 million annually, according to an OCPP analysis. When it meets on Friday, December 14, the resurrected legislature could decide to couple the governor’s plan with a law requiring tax transparency for corporations. Otherwise, the public will have to take the governor’s word that his plan is “revenue neutral.”

by Denis C. Theriault This Is the Job Charlie Wanted

T

HE WONKS who run Portland’s budgetmaking machine—doing yeoman’s work balancing city hall politics against the need for fiscal sanity—have sketched out a rough outline for Charlie Hales’ first six months in office. And the picture that emerges is… how shall I say it… bleak. Not counting any last-minute changes under Mayor Sam Adams, Hales and next year’s city council will have to excise a terrible sum of money—$25 million in ongoing spending—to keep the city from plunging into debt in the next five years. Almost half is because of a tax-bill squeeze by the new county library district ($10 million). The rest can be blamed on federal police reforms ($5.4 million), and political decisions to invest more money in priorities like housing programs and economic development ($8.6 million). Taken together, it’s a giant rush of red ink to swallow after years of cuts and other budget patches under Adams—and it raises questions about which popular services Hales will consider “basic” enough to remain alive as he imposes the “basic services” agenda that got him elected. But the crisis also firmly casts Hales in the political role he fought so hard to play: Portland’s tough-talking, sober-minded financial savior. And Hales is itching to get on stage. Already, Hales says he has no choice but to erase one of Adams’ cherished lines in the sand: No more automatically shielding cops, firefighters, and 911 dispatchers from the worst cuts.

A financial crisis casts Hales in the role of tough-talking financial savior. “No one gets a pass,” Hales told me. He’s also talking about holding firm against city unions, heeding the words of budget planners who suggest the days of granting concessions worth millions, like the incredibly generous contract Adams gave to the Portland Police Association (PPA), are long past. “We can’t afford the status quo,” he said about current contracts. “We’ll ask everyone to share in making sacrifices.” (It’s worth noting that some of the biggest city unions, like the cops and firefighters and others, initially backed Hales’ foe, Jefferson Smith.) Hales has already begun wielding his influence on the budget process around the city council. Documents released by financial planners confirm Hales will take over all city bureaus come next February and hold them until he releases his version of a budget in May. Commissioners will keep their current portfolios until February and may even retain day-to-day oversight while Hales technically sits as boss. But Hales wants to make them sweat, and take a less parochial view, by waiting until May to reveal their next assignments. “I’d like for all of us to think about the whole city,” he says. “I’m deliberately not spending time thinking about which commissioners will get which bureau assignments.” That dynamic played out in a proposal by Commissioner Amanda Fritz to carve out a city budget office meant to answer to the entire city council, not just the mayor. Hales personally insisted Fritz strip a provision denying the mayor’s ability to fire that office’s director without a council vote. The current council could have moved forward without Hales’ blessing. But the three returning commissioners, Fritz, Nick Fish, and Dan Saltzman, also know Hales’ reputation as someone with a temper. And a long memory.

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Sexual Politics WHAT GOOD IS MARRIAGE?

at

By Sarah Mirk

C

ONSERVATIVES ARGUE that the gays are destroying marriage. On the contrary, they’re saving it. Kids these days, we’re not so excited about marriage. Ask anyone under 30: Forty-four percent of us will tell you that “marriage is becoming obsolete,” according to a Pew Research Center study, and 46 percent of us will say that “the growing variety of family arrangements is a good thing.” We’ll get married later than ever before, or not at all: Only 51 percent of Americans older than 18 are married, while the number of newlyweds shrinks every year. Yet this past week has been a nationwide celebration of marriage, as LGBT couples in Washington State finally got to tie the knot that rightwingers have kept tangled for decades. In Seattle, 489 couples applied for marriage licenses on the first day same-sex couples could apply, more than 10 times the usual daily traffic. But what is marriage good for, really, besides the cake and the tax break? I think much of the gap between excitement around same-sex marriage seen this week and growing apathy toward the institution expressed by young people boils down to one idea: legitimacy. I’m at the exact average age of first marriage for American women (26.5) and unlike queer couples ecstatic to get hitched, marriage isn’t relevant to my life right now. As a straight person, I have the privilege of normalcy. I’ve been dating the same guy for four years and while I’m sure he’d look great slow dancing in a steampunk tuxedo (Tentative wedding theme: “Arr love is true!”), there are very few cultural forces pushing us to get married besides pure romance. We don’t believe in sin, we both support ourselves financially, we already live together, and we’re not going to have kids anytime soon. But most importantly, whether we’re at the movies, the hospital, or family Thanksgiving, people accept my relationship with my boyfriend, no

Open Until

SARAH MIRK

questions asked. No one has ever taken a look at him and asked when I’ll get over this phase. With this acceptance, and our cohabitating lifestyle, marriage seems rather pointless. I take the right for granted. Sunday, December 9, couldn’t have been any more gray and miserable in Vancouver, Washington. But it was a beautiful day for the gay and lesbian couples who came to the Clark County building to get married as soon as they legally could. As wives Bridget and Janine Connell waited with their small, adorable daughters for their legal witness, I asked what role legitimizing their relationship had to do with their decision to marry. “We’re getting married because we love each other. We deserve to be equal,” said Bridget. Janine nodded: “We’re a family, we want to cement that.” Surrounded by friends and family under the county building’s rotunda, Hawaiian-shirt-clad grooms Doug and Wayne Myers-Funk echoed similar ideas. Both religious, they would have married the year after they met—1980—if it had been legal. They’ve already had two commitment ceremonies and think those rituals, and Sunday’s, help Wayne’s conservative Mormon family accept them. “We went through a period of them not accepting us, of having to leave the Christmas gifts on the front door,” said Doug, shortly before kissing his new husband. “With this, they realize it’s not just a phase.”

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Coincidentally, R2DToo’s lawsuit comes just as one of its more prominently placed foes, developer David Gold, steps up his own campaign on Saltzman to have the place cleared out [“Understandably Upset,” Oct 20, 2011]. Gold and his partners—including John Jay of Wieden+Kennedy and Ace Hotel’s Alex Calderwood—have borrowed millions in city redevelopment cash to turn the derelict Grove Hotel across NW 4th into a youth hostel and restaurant row. In a move first reported by Street Roots earlier this month, Gold tried to force Saltzman’s hand by circulating partially filled-out nuisance-complaint forms to neighbors, and he also wrote a letter complaining he was struggling to woo tenants. A copy of the letter, obtained by the Mercury, shows Gold is so serious about the crackdown that he wants anyone who actually does his bidding to send him an email. It reads, politely, “Please confirm.”

CLACKAMAS SHOOTINGS News

J

more at portlandmercury.com

UST 36 DAYS since America's last mass shooting—in Fresno, California—a gunman opened fire in the food court of Clackamas Town Center on the afternoon of Tuesday, December 11. As of press time, the senseless shooting left at least three people dead, including the shooter and one person was seriously injured. Mayor Sam Adams and Governor John Kitzhaber, among many, many others, offered words of support for the victims. The mall Santa, interviewed by KGW News, offered the advice, “I hope this tragedy doesn’t keep you away from the mall!” Check for updates at blogtown.portlandmercury.com.

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LONG-SIMMERING code enforcement fight over the future of Right 2 Dream Too—the well-managed rest area for dozens of homeless Portlanders at NW 4th and Burnside—is finally heating up after months of uncertainty amid a low-key city crackdown. Hoping to escape thousands of dollars in fines issued by the Portland Bureau of Development Services, Right 2 Dream Too and its landlords on Monday, December 10, took the decisive step on filing a lawsuit against both the bureau and the commissioner who leads it, Dan Saltzman. The suit, filed on world Human Rights Day, demands Saltzman stop treating the site like an illegal “recreational” campground and more like, instead, Northeast Portland’s Dignity Village—a state-sanctioned and city-permitted campsite providing transitional housing. As of September, according to the suit, the city had assessed $5,349 in fees and other penalties on the camp’s landlords.

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Advice from City Hall’s Resilient Workaholic Mayor Sam Adams to the Incoming Administration

Shit

by Denis C. Theriault and Sarah Mirk

in Portland Photo by Robbie Augspurger

N

O MATTER WHAT you think of him, what he does, and how he does it, one thing is true: Mayor Sam Adams gets shit done. You can say he’s “desperate to create a legacy,” and relentlessly distracted by shiny policy baubles, or you can say he’s a politically canny wonk with a potent case of workaholism. But for a guy who thought seriously about quitting in disgrace just a few weeks after getting the job in 2009, Adams has racked up a quietly impressive list of wins both small and large over the past four years. Battling back from a sex scandal and two recall attempts, not to mention the worst recession in a generation, a politically damaged Adams probably could have also slugged and scrapped his way to a second term. (If not for the Beau Breedlove kerfluffle, Adams might even have won by a landslide.) For a while he tried. But it wasn’t to be. Adams has to give back the Prius keys to the city at the end of this month. And when he does, love him or hate him, Oregon politics is losing an institution. Adams spent the last two decades of a nearly 30-year political career stalking around the place, first as Mayor Vera Katz’s chief of staff, then city commissioner and mayor. Given that record, we asked Adams to share his personal thoughts on the best ways to succeed in the business of Portland City Hall—as a candidate, as the boss, and as an advocate. Here’s his (condensed and edited) advice.

HOW TO UNDERSTAND MEDIA! “Stories are not written about what you get done—stories are written about what people say. The reason we do our own an-

nual reports is so people can judge whether their investment in me has been worth it. In the past four years, during the worst recession in recent history, I will humbly put myself up against anyone else’s agenda.” “Very few people in the media have

the time to go and dig in deep—especially with the demise of traditional media. In-depth coverage isn’t happening anywhere close to the degree as it was when I came into city hall. I really worry about that. Because if there’s a city with ‘wonk’ in its middle name, this would be that city. We thrive on that. When Portland understands an issue adequately and sets out a plan, we tend to accomplish what we’re after, with a lot of help from the fourth estate. “Then add the advent of social media and how that’s influenced civic discourse and media coverage. It’s incredibly different. “For example, the Oregonian editorial page would never write an editorial without calling the subject. Yes, they took their cues from their own coverage—but they’d always call you. They never call anymore. “The Oregonian now does retribution. Look what they did to Charlie Hales. [The paper reported on a campaign letter sent to the St. Johns Review that placed Hales on a neighborhood tour he wasn’t on and also lifted passages from an Oregonian article.] When he asked for a correction, they called him ‘thin skinned.’” “The first story matters a lot. [‘Sewer money for bike lanes’] was an example of

a mistake on process. I did it quickly and, in hindsight, I knew it was one of those issues people are rightfully concerned about. The first story that came out on it was from Jim Redden [of the Portland Tribune] and I called [Redden] immediately and said it was inaccurate. But it was never changed. “Now, I would have gotten it in writing, and posted it ourselves, first on our site and Twitter. That’s what we’ve learned to do—we put ideas out for public comment sometimes weeks before we bring them to council. We’ve adapted to use social media for good public policy by putting drafts out there and using Twitter, Facebook, and email to get public comments on it. That’s a specific change that we’ve made.”

HOW TO WIN AN ELECTION! “Campaign politics does not reward detailed agendas. I ran for city commissioner on a very specific agenda. I didn’t start out in public service to be an elected official. I decided if I were going to run for public office, I’d do it my way. So I geeked out and put out really specific Continued on pg. 13

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Continued from pg. 11 policy points, much to [political consultant] Mark Wiener’s chagrin. We finished 11 points behind in the primary. And he said, ‘See? Nobody cares.’ The Oregonian took me to task, ‘The city doesn’t need a wonk. They need a commissioner.’ Different day, different editorial board. But we ran with it. We made signs that said, ‘Honk for the wonk!’” “Not running for mayor was absolutely the right decision. The reason I didn’t run for office is so I could get my agenda done—so I didn’t have to pay much attention to the campaign. Can you imagine if I had introduced an ordinance to take [fired police officer Ron] Frashour to the appeals court as a candidate for mayor? All the complications that would have created? It would have been a fight. Whether or not I would have won… I don’t know. But I couldn’t have won and pushed through the controversial agenda that I had. The bag ban! Compost changes! This is controversial stuff.”

HOW TO RESPOND WHEN ASKED WHO YOU VOTED FOR! “None of your damn business.”

HOW TO KEEP A LID ON THE COPS! “Understand the role we all play. It’s the [police] union’s job to defend its members. Not some of the time—not on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Saturdays—but all of the time, on all issues. It is, by tradition, very robust. In officer-involved shootings, they always say our officer acted in accordance with training, and if you’ve got a problem with what happened, you’ve got a problem with our training and policy. They always do that. That’s their job. They always say that pursuit of any sort of discipline is because of politics. Their mission is to protect their members, and they’ve done quite a good job of it. “My frustration is when the coverage accepts that as the reality. Portland is not well served by newspapers writing stories based solely on [police union boss] Daryl Turner’s point of view. No offense.” “Keep the Frashour lawsuit going. All the way to the [Oregon] Supreme Court. [The city council, led by Adams, is challenging an arbitrator’s decision to reinstate Ron Frashour, the officer who killed Aaron Campbell.] Whatever hundreds of thousands of dollars we will pay is worth finding out whether state law should be applied, and if it should be applied, is there some fault to it.

HOW TO TAKE THE FIGHT TO CITY HALL! “Make a list. When I was first in office, one of the first things I did was call the AMA [the Albina Ministerial Alliance Coalition for Justice and Police Reform] and say, ‘Make a list. You all make a list and figure out what the top five things are, and then the next five things, and we’ll get those things done.’ Almost everything on the list led to change in one way or another. When I asked the AMA for their list, I asked them for all the PARC [Police Assessment Resource Center] reports—all the recommendations written regarding police reforms— Continued on pg. 15

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21 Things Sam’s

DONE

1. Created a citywide economic development strategy 2. Cut city trash by 38 percent via food composting 3. Paved way for LED streetlights 4. Passed the Portland Bicycle Plan for 2030 5. Built 30 miles of bike routes 6. Passed a tax to fund arts nonprofits and school art teachers 7. Pushed for federal police and mental health reforms 8. Wrote tough gun-control laws 9. Insisted on drug testing for cops 10. Created drug impact areas and championed gang violence task force 11. Fired Officer Ron Frashour and fought his reinstatement 12. Introduced transgender-inclusive health care for city employees 13. Handled Occupy protests with surprisingly little violence 14. Drafted and passed the Portland Plan 15. Passed the citywide plastic bag ban 16. Created the Portland Housing Bureau—and funded it 17. Secured the Portland Timbers Major League Soccer team 18. Developed programs that led to a 400 percent increase in the amount of homes using solar power 19. Funded the Sellwood Bridge rebuild 20. Saved free public transit for high school kids 21. Created neighborhood redevelopment districts

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Continued from pg. 13 said, we’re going to put them all down, all the recommendations. Then we asked the police for their response to the recommendations. And we said, ‘We’re overwhelmed with requests for reforms, and we’ve got to get back to people with what we’re going to do.’ ” “You don’t have to come up with the solution. That’s another thing to keep in mind for folks who are working in ongoing advocacy. My job as a leader is to help the advocates and the police bureau get clear about their communication. The AMA has met with the police chief and commissioner on a regular basis for the past two years. We got clear on what they meant and helped them get clear about their own priorities.”

HOW TO RUN A GOVERNMENT! “We have to fight at a higher weight class. One of our biggest vulnerabilities is we can believe the positive national press about ourselves and cling to it too tightly. We really are one of the most sustainable cities in the country—but that’s high praise on an incredibly low standard. Because we’re smaller, we have to fight at a higher weight class, or we will become a virtual suburb to San Francisco and Seattle. “We have to be an intentionally successful economic and academic community. We don’t have the heft of population that turns a city into an economic powerhouse. That’s why a lot of the work we did on the Portland Plan is so important—it’s not the be-all, end-all, but it’s the first time I’ve seen a city like us have a strategic plan. “When we sat down after the Portland Plan was approved, I convened all the transportation agencies in the city to talk about budgets. It was the first time TriMet, the city, the Port of Portland, and others sat down to make a consolidated financial sheet. This is what money we have, and here’s where it’s going. That work needs to continue. Let’s spend our money in the wisest way possible. And with fewer state and federal dollars coming our way, it’s a necessary thing to do.” “Respect the bureaucracy. I feel like my time here in city hall has earned me three or four Ph.D.s. Chief of staff is a really difficult job, because you have to be the badass. That’s your job—to fire people. The mayor’s job was to hire people. You [fire people] a couple times, word gets around. “It’s folly to assume that bad systems mean bad people or bad intentions. Usually failure to get results is a leadership failure and an organizational failure. You had better respect the bureaucracy and then seek to improve it. “The city had two housing agencies and two economic development agencies that warred with each other for decades. You had really good people trapped in a really dysfunctional bureaucracy. The first week in office, we put housing under the housing bureau and economic development under the Portland Development Commission. Now you know that housing’s working because you have one bureau working on it.” “I wanted to do it my way. [Taking control of city bureaus during budget season, which many mayors have done] is a lot of work for the mayor’s office. The responsibility can be so great that you don’t have the time to exercise your authority in a meaningful way. I didn’t feel like I needed to do it to get this city council to view things in a fair-minded manner. In my budgets, we’ve cut $36 million on an ongoing basis, so we can invest money back into services. I benefited from working for Vera Katz, the

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former chair of the Oregon Legislature’s Joint Ways and Means Committee, for 12 budgets. The city’s budget is something I know pretty well. I wanted to do it my way. Everyone gets to do their own thing.” “The most effective commissioners are the ones who can count to three. As mayor, I solicit, on a regular basis, how can I help my colleagues. And I do. I follow through. Where we agree, I want to help them. I think of my job as first among equals. I also spend a lot of time with them. You will find me in commissioners’ offices multiple times a week. Knowing that it’s only a flight of stairs to the second floor, but it might as well be 300 miles away if you never go down there to say ‘hello’ and see where they need help. It’s not rocket science.” “Portlanders expect you to try to get to five votes. I always try to get to five. That’s important for the esprit de corps of the council. I’ve worked to try to iron out disagreements between people when we thought it would be useful. Portlanders don’t like coalitions. They don’t like cliques. Like with the JTTF [meaning the city’s controversial effort in 2011 to reengage with the FBI’s Joint Terrorism Task Force], I aimed for five votes. Everyone thought I was insane. Especially my staff. And [thenacting US Attorney] Dwight Holton. But the more important the issue, the more important it is to get to five.” “I believe in strategy. I believe in knowing where you’re at, having a goal, and getting there in incremental steps. The electric vehicle strategy, clean energy works, the bag ban, composting—you didn’t see that all happen in one day. That’s all part of the climate action plan and our economic development efforts. Why did we do composting? Because having a third of our garbage going to Arlington—which turns into methane, which is 20 times worse for the environment than other gasses—is a very solvable problem. Is it more important than jobs? No. And that’s why in the first two years of my terms you saw me focus very, very heavily on jobs.”

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“Minimize meetings with mayors. Maximize meetings with CEOs. If you don’t have three or four CEOs behind you, that’s a missed opportunity. City hall functions much more smoothly than when [Charlie Hales] left office. When he left, the economic strategy on the books had 13 targeted industries. That’s not a targeted industry. That’s a smorgasbord. Now we have four.” “My biggest worry is losing the Portland Plan. It’s a strategic plan, not just a land-use plan. In the city’s last comprehensive plan, the only part that anyone paid any attention to was the land-use elements. It’s not legally binding, it’s not sexy, and it’s hard work. The press always wants to know, ‘How are you going to get all these things done? Where is the money coming from?’ It’s about getting stuff done with the money you have. Like in transportation, I decided that the most important thing we’re going to focus on is safety and build from that.”

HOW TO HAVE A LIFE! (HINT: YOU WILL FAIL) “I’ve gotten better at maintaining a balanced life. But I don’t think anyone would say I’m good at it. I’ve got a passion for my work. But my friends and family know I’m this way. Hopefully they can help keep me balanced. We’ll see what happens to me next. I owe Peter [Zuckerman, Adams’ partner] a lot of dates.”

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Picks

My, What a Busy Week! OUR ARTS AND ENTERTAINMENT PICKS FOR THE WEEK OF DECEMBER 12-18

Wednesday, December 12

Thursday, December 13

BODIES—Lille Boutique’s lingerie fashion show benefit for Planned Parenthood, Astral Bodies, has already sold out its pre-sale tickets. But they’re releasing a limited number of tickets at the door and admission to the afterparty is free, with the Sex Life DJs, a ton of raffle prizes, and all the pretty people. MS Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison, 9 pm, $10, afterparty at 9:30 pm, FREE

START CRYING WOLF(SON)—Clear Channel axed its liberal talk radio station KPOJ last month and, with it, the best radio host in the city: Carl Wolfson. Now when he’s not standing in the unemployment line, Wolfson has time to pursue his other passion: standup comedy. He’s sharp and hilarious—worth braving the unbearable ambience of Harvey’s to catch. SM Harvey’s Comedy Club, 436 NW 6th, Wed, Thurs Sun, 7:30 pm, $15 BECK THE HALLS—The hometown honeys in the Portland Cello Project bring you the usual bombast of their annual holiday show—now with extra Beck! They’ll be playing songs from his new sheet-music-only release Song Reader, so this might be your only chance to hear that new album out loud—unless you’re really good at reading sheet music. CF Aladdin Theater, 3017 SE Milwaukie, Thurs & Fri 8 pm, $15-20

HOLEY MOLEY—The super fun, super popular I’ve Got a Hole in My Soul dance night has become the city’s most reliable way of getting a fix of DJ Beyondadoubt in the last six years. They’re marking the anniversary of that nice round number with their debut at their brand-new Holocene digs with guest DJ Primo from San Francisco. MS Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison, 9 pm, $5

Friday, December 14

HOLIDAY ACTION—One of the funnest companies in town, Action/Adventure Theatre (famous for Fall of the Band), presents their holiday spectacular, A Very Special Action/ Adventure Holiday Thing! Expect hilarious comedy from Anthony Lopez and Merc writer/ funny guy Alex Falcone, staged readings of scenes from sitcom Christmas specials, music from Cristina Cano, booze, Santa… and booze! WSH Action/Adventure Theatre, 1050 SE Clinton, Fri & Sat 8 pm, $10-15 sliding scale

BIG-ASS FORMAL—Big-Ass Sandwiches is beloved in Portland for their revolutionary contributions to sandwich artistry: Namely, putting french fries inside a sandwich and adding cheese sauce. Tonight they’re celebrating their third anniversary with a winter formal, featuring a Rat Pack tribute band, and comedian friends Ian Karmel, Sean Jordan, and Shane Torres. AH w/Nicky Croon & the Swinging Richards; Dante’s, 350 W Burnside, 9 pm, $10-12

Saturday, December 15 PEACOCK WALK—Nobody does “festive” like Peacock Lane. Those mofos know how to Christmas decorate better than all the soccer moms in suburbia. Tonight marks the first night of Peacock Lane—with the first two nights being pedestrian-only, so no getting drunk and running over plastic Santas! You’ll have to do that on foot. RF Peacock Lane, between SE Stark & Belmont, walking only on Sat & Sun, 6-11 pm, through Dec 31, FREE

Sunday, December 16

PROMISED LAND—Directed by Portlander Gus Van Sant— and written by and starring Matt Damon and John Krasinski, along with Frances McDormand and Hal Holbrook—Promised Land looks to be pretty fantastic. It doesn’t open here until December 28, but tonight, Van Sant presents an early screening as a fundraiser for the homeless youth agency Outside In. EH Bagdad Theater, 3702 SE Hawthorne, 7:30 pm, $49-79

PRETTY LITTLE THINGS— Portland has a bajillion craft fairs (approx) during the holidays, but some of the city’s prettiest and best-made must-haves will be at the ADX workshop’s annual gift fair today. Vanport Outfitters backpacks? Check. Screenprints galore? Check. Ninkasi beer, a free glamour-shot photo booth, AND a cake walk? Sold! SM ADX, 417 SE 11th, Sat & Sun 10 am-6 pm

JOKES—Neal Brennan co-created and co-wrote Chappelle’s Show. What, you need more bona fides than that?? Okay, picky: Brennan’s an acerbic, take-no-prisoners comic who cohosts the solid podcast The Champs with Moshe Kasher. He’s smarter than you, and he knows it. AH Hollywood Theatre, 4122 NE Sandy, 7:30 pm, $12

JINGLE BELL ROCK—Kink.fm’s Jingle Bell Jam is the musical equivalent of a Christmas sweater: warm and snug and seasonally appropriate, and capped by a headlining set from beloved locals Blind Pilot, who haven’t played a Portland show in a few moons. Don’t miss opener JD McPherson, whose jumpin’, jivin’, wailin’ rockabilly is anything but a throwback. NL w/Allen Stone; Roseland, 8 NW 6th, 7 pm, $25-45, 21+

Monday, December 17 THERE AND BACK AGAIN—From the shadowed caves of the Misty Mountains to the mighty plains of the Rohirrim, every elf, dwarf, hobbit, and ent will be watching The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey! Here is your quest, brave adventurer! Voyage to a distant movie theater and prepare yourself for an adventure most thrilling and—eh, fuck it. You know the drill. EH Every single theater at every conceivable time of day, see Movie Times on pg. 47 for showtimes

SANTAAAAA!—You’ve tried the rest, now “ho, ho, ho” with the best! Portland’s fave Santa is back at Pioneer Courthouse Square—and he’s now using TECHNOLOGY to help you avoid long lines! Call, text, or reserve your appointment with Santa online, and he’ll text you when it’s your turn to hop on his lap. (No “naughty” texts, please.) WSH Santa House on the Bricks, Pioneer Courthouse Square, SW 6th & Morrison, daily 9 am–9 pm, through Dec 24, FREE, portlandsanta.com

Tuesday, December 18 SILENT BUT DEADLY—Don’t go through the Christmas season without watching 1984’s Silent Night, Deadly Night. It’s a feel-good flick about an ax-wielding Santa who must kill every naughty-doer with his bag of homicidal tendencies. Ho-ho-hatchet! The Grindhouse Film Fest’s annual tradition is 100 percent 35mm film and 100 percent gore-filled great! CF Hollywood Theatre, 4122 NE Sandy, 7:30 pm, $7

CALMLY, NOW—The vaulted pop architecture that Stay Calm constructs is spacious, bright, and full of breathing room, but with a firm bedrock of sturdy rhythms and adventurous noise-excavating. The Portland three-piece’s exciting sounds are built from the ground up, with sonic exploration being the foundation and pop sparkle in the details. NL Bunk Bar, 1028 SE Water, 9 pm, $3

December 12th, 2012 portlandmercury.com 17

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Michele Wylen’s Visionary Style by Ned Lannamann

I

T’S NOT the sort of record Portland typically spits out. Welcome to Human Nature is an unabashed, glossy, mainstream pop album—at least upon first listen. The first full-length from singer/songwriter/ Michele producer Michele Wylen has hiphop Wylen bangers, twinkling R&B love jams, and Sat Dec 15 air-raid rave beats, all nestled side by side. But Wylen isn’t indulging in op- Someday Lounge 125 NW 5th portunistic genre-dabbling or pandering to attract a broad audience; she’s made an integrated, nuanced, excellent record that’s a shining exemplar of state-of-the-art pop music circa 2013. It’s not an exaggeration to say it stands up to anything on the hit parade—there isn’t a track on Welcome to Human Nature that wouldn’t belong on the radio dial. But the album is just the tip of the iceberg. For her record release show, Wylen has a fullon production in the works, a performance that will include light design, video backdrops, and backing dancers from Axe Dide and Vega Dance + Lab. With six choreographers contributing, it sounds insanely ambitious for a homegrown local artist. “This show MICHELE WYLEN State-of-the-pop. QUAVONDO I’ve been working on for pretty much a year,” Wylen says. “It’s more like an art installation what her next move would be, recording much am working with.” The upcoming move is indicative of that I’m trying to put together. And this is go- of Welcome to Human Nature on her own and Wylen’s ambition, and her desire to challenge ing to be my first time really doing what I’ve working with local choreographers. The live show will make plain the dark- her audience via appealing pop songs. “That’s been trying to do.” Wylen was raised by two musicians, al- er side of her music, too, with videos of war what so great about music,” she says. “You can though she wasn’t pressured by either of them footage and political messages alongside have your party songs, like, ‘I just want to get to go into music. Still, there are tapes of her the extensive choreography. Wylen is doing wasted in the club!’ Or you can bring people singing as a child: “My mom has been record- something that no one else in Portland is re- together and work for a bigger cause. And I ing me since I was two. I have tapes—‘Michele ally attempting, and it’s not a surprise to learn want to be able to do all of those things. I feel at three,’ ‘Michele at four,’ ‘Michele at five,’ that the 25-year-old has plans to move to LA. like Welcome to Human Nature is my most sucup until I was 16—so I got really used to that.” “I think I’m at a point where, with the skills cessful attempt at trying to do that, because After moving to Portland, she began playing that I have and the skills I’m pursuing, I can’t I have really poppy songs on there, but I also shows in 2006; her first big gig was opening for really do what I want to do in Portland,” she have songs that are deeper. Especially at the Ladytron at Berbati’s Pan, which in retrospect says. “The opportunities aren’t here for me. show, it will be really evident when you see the she says might have been premature. She took But it’s hard to leave, because I really love a political videos and then you see hot girls in a lengthy hiatus from performing to figure out lot of the creative people I’ve found here and black sequins dancing right afterward.”

Big Kids I

Pinehurst Kids Don’t Wanna Grow Up by Morgan Troper

’M SITTING ACROSS from Joe Davis, thoroughly calloused heart. He’s nursing frontman of prodigious Portland punk an Americano, recuperating from the prethree-piece Pinehurst Kids, attempting to vious night’s debaucherous photo session pry information from him on the history of (pictured above), when he tells me precisely his band, his thoughts on the etymology of where he believes his band fits in the emo the term “emo,” and his connection to the continuum. “I like to joke that we’re ‘pre-emo’ or ’90s punk scene in this city. Honestly, he ‘premo,’ because the term wasn’t looks like he’d rather be somewhere yet when we started,” Davis else. To me, however, this is fasciPinehurst around says. The reason I’m so curious is nating shit. I’m relishing the opKids that the Kids’ first three records, portunity to speak with a local Wed Dec 12 released in 1997, 2000, and 2001, indie luminary. (Full disclosure: Mississippi Studios are considered landmarks of the Luminescence aside, Davis day3939 N genre by many, myself included— jobs as the Mercury’s production MississippI but apparently this isn’t a label Damanager.) But even when I try and vis and his bandmates, Gene Hall and throw him a curveball, I get the sense that Robler Kind, personally embrace or apply to I’m boring him. It’s possibly just exhaustion I’m picking their music. Davis says, “We started about the same up on. In his 40s now, Davis is slightly grizzled, with a perpetually sapient and somber time that Sunny Day Real Estate did, and I expression on his face that even manages wrote most of the songs off our first album to oppress his wide smile and suggests a before I had ever heard of them, but when I

This Week’s Music Previews

WEDNESDAY 12/12 PINEHURST KIDS, EMPIRE ROCKET MACHINE, CHARTS (Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi) See Music, pg. 19.

FAMILY OF THE YEAR, JOSH AND MER (Crystal Ballroom, 1332 W Burnside) Sorry, there will be no fun. tonight. The punctuation-happy pop juggernaut has postponed their Portland show for the second time in a row, apparently forgetting that “We Are Young” isn’t the kind of sentiment that lasts forever. Fun. will be back in March, if you’re still interested at that point. Fortunately, tonight’s ticketholders can still amble down to the Crystal and catch Family of the Year for free, along with Portland duo Josh and Mer in the opening slot. (It’ll cost you a buck to get in if you aren’t already holding a fun. ticket.) LA’s Family of the Year makes perfectly amiable folk-rock with slight hippie leanings; their latest, Loma Vista, is sun streaked, harmony laden, and almost suspiciously pretty. Repeat listens happily reveal there’s little guile in their major-chord gushing, and rather than getting mired in empty pothead posturing (à la Edward Sharpe), Family of the Year offers a surprising amount of passion—and even a little vitriol—in their laidback strumming. NED LANNAMANN

THURSDAY 12/13 PORTLAND CELLO PROJECT (Aladdin Theater, 3017 SE Milwaukie) See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 17.

I’VE GOT A HOLE IN MY SOUL: DJ BEYONDADOUBT, DJ PRIMO (Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison) See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 17.

KREAYSHAWN, RYE RYE, HONEY COCAINE, CHIPPY NONSTOP (Roseland, 8 NW 6th) I’ll never forget the first time I saw Kreayshawn’s weird/viral “Gucci Gucci” video on YouTube. A tiny gal, best friend in tow (plus enough makeup and accessories to start a successful second-hand Claire’s), she raps about being fed up with “basic bitches” who covet tired brand names and act like Barbies (she then rhymes Barbie with Arby’s). I was skeptical at first, but I grew to love her off-kilter style. I felt, with the assuredness that comes with being very stoned, that Kreayshawn was some kind of comedic genius (“I got the swag and it’s pumpin’ out my ovarieeeees”). After scoring a contract with Columbia, Somethin’ ’Bout Kreay debuted in September, and for better or worse, it’s only getting weirder. EMILY NOKES

WOOLEN MEN, STILL CAVES, THE HOODED HAGS, CHRISTIAN PROFETA

PINEHURST KIDS Primo premo. ERYN DOMKE MURRIE

finally heard their record, I was like, ‘Oh shit, we’re drinking the same water.’” He explains that the band wasn’t consciously a part of any scene, and was retroactively lumped into the coterie of emo forebears. “We were around when it all started—but I started playing that music literally before it was defined,” he says. Pinehurst Kids cut their teeth playing what Davis describes as the “new old-school scene” on the heels of grunge, sharing basement bills with lodestars like Richmond Fontaine and Sunset Valley, evenings that were defined by “a lot of weed, momentous turnouts, and appearContinued on pg. 21

(The Know, 2026 NE Alberta) The Woolen Men have a lo-fi , garage rock sound that pleasantly surprises you with its delicacies. Members Rafael Spielman, Lawton Browning, and Alex Geddes share vocal and instrumental responsibilities, writing songs that are fuzzy with reverb and warm with ’70s nostalgia. Their music has a grungy yet bright sentiment that is true to its Northwest rock roots, with an added sprinkle of pop. They already have a number of cassettes released by Eggy Records and Gnar Tapes, with a new record on the way on Woodsist early next year. We can hope for and expect an album that is as catchy and tight as their last, as this trio continues to become an integral part of the Portland musical landscape. RACHEL MILBAUER

TY SEGALL, THE NIGHT BEATS, NUCULAR AMINALS (Star Theater, 13 NW 6th) Ty Segall had a busy year, releasing three albums under slightly different monikers. For as prolific as Segall is, what’s even more amazing is the quality of his output. There’s nary a dud in the bunch, and his music carries the unhinged excitement and pop sensibility that helped make Nirvana what it was. Segall’s collaboration with White Fence saw him making lo-fi psych punk ready-made for summer, while Slaugh-

Continued on pg. 21

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HE MAYAN CALENDAR has nearly NICKY CROON & THE SWINGIN’ RICHARDS reached itsFRIDAY end—so naturally, it’s high beats or solos, no breakdowns or harmonies, BIG-ASS BIG-ASS FRIDAY Y R SOR UT + FUNNY OVER EVERYTHING MONQUI DEC 14 MONQUI time for Sunn O))) to dry clean their robes and just the searing, ever-present, droning riff. DEC 14 SANDWICHES O SANDWICHES WITH WILDCAT! WILDCAT! SOLD SATURDAY SATURDAY DEC 15 PRESENTS DEC 15 PRESENTS warm up their 17 amplifier WINTERstacks. FORMAL & 3RD ANNIVERSARY WINTER FORMAL & 3RD ANNIVERSARY PARTY Their lat- PARTY Despite unleashing sonic assaults that are SATURDAY NICKY CROON & THE SWINGIN’ RICHARDS NICKY CROON & THE SWINGIN’ RICHARDS est apocalyptic roadtrip down+ FUNNY theOVER coast leads worthy of soundtracking Cannibal Holocaust, DEC 15 SORRYUT EVERYTHING ORRYCHRISTMAS SUNDAY DECS16 + FUNNY OVER EVERYTHING T O U SHOW O D WITH WILDCAT! WILDCAT! OLD across L up to a doomy celebration of the end Sunn O))) come as well-adjustS WITH WILDCAT! WILDCAT! O S of times at the mouth of hell itself ed, down-to-earth folks. “Sunn O))) SATURDAY SATURDAY Sunn CHRISTMAS DEC 15with High on SUNDAY DEC 16 DEC 15 SUNDAY DEC 16 CHRISTMAS (AKA Los Angeles) strives to be as ego-less as possible. O))) SHOW SHOW PICA PRESENTS Fire, Corrosion of Conformity, and Stephen [O’Malley] and I strive Fri Dec 14 WEDNESDAY DEC 19 SNOW others, during which they’ll sacrito leave that outside of what we’re ANGEL Roseland fice a crusty kid and dance on their doing,” Anderson says. He hints at MX 8 NW 6th PICA PRESENTS PICA PRESENTS APE the usual creative dysfunction SNOW WEDNESDAY DEC 19in the MACHINE WEDNESDAY DEC 19 SNOWbloody His Hero Is Gone patches. ANGEL group—but he leaves the overwhelming ANGEL Or at least that’s what you’d think. PRESTON LEVINE MX MX 21 50 SHOWSOUELLETTE Best Show “Honestly,” Sunn O)))’s Greg Anderson clariBurlesque,“The Firedancers impression that their tormented sludgescapes FRIDAY DEC In Town!” APE APE SUNDAY DJs, Magic & Debauchery! MONDAY THE BIGGEST 50 DAYS MACHINE MACHINE fies, “I don’t personally believe in [the Mayan exist as the result of impassioned collaboraDEC 16 DEC 17 COMEDY TOUR EVER! 50 STATES PRESTON calendar].” With a self-deprecating chuckle, tors and even-keeled temperaments.50 SHOWS PRESTON LEVINE LEVINE Best Show 50 SHOWSOUELLETTE “The Best Show Burlesque,“The Firedancers FRIDAY DEC 21 Burlesque, Firedancers FRIDAY DEC 21 In Town!” In Town!” DJs, Magic & Debauchery! he adds that it’s SUNDAY just “an excuse for some sort of a Sunn O)))’s list of collaborators reads OUELLETTE MONDAY SUNDAY DJs, Magic & Debauchery! So YouMONDAY THE BIGGEST 50 DAYS THE BIGGEST 50 DAYS Wanna Be A ROCK STAR ? DEC 16 DEC 17 FRIDAY DEC 28 DEC DECWITH 17 A LIVE BAND TOUR Csihar of c a16b a r e t COMEDY TOUR dark, negative celebration.” Anderson, part of like a fanboy’s fever dream:COMEDY KARAOKE Attila EVER! 50 STATES 9pm - Miss Kennedy’s Cabaret EVER! 50 STATES FOR ANOTHER 20 YEARS ! the core duo of the group’s seemingly boundless Mayhem, Malefic of Xasthur, Justin BroadMISS KENNEDY’S CABARET stable of players, cuts through the machined ofSTAR Jesu/Napalm BoSo You Wanna rick Be A ROCK ? So You Wanna Be A ROCK STAR ? FRIDAY Death/Godflesh, DEC 28 SUNDAY FRIDAY DEC 28 cabaret cabaret KARAOKE WITH A LIVE BAND KARAOKE WITH A LIVE BAND A STEAMPUNK fog with a dry candor belies Cabaret his monolithic DEC 169pm - Miss Kennedy’s Cabaret ris,20and Dylan Carlson of Earth have all lent - Miss Kennedy’s 9pmthat FOR ANOTHER YEARS ! FOR ANOTHER 20 YEARS ! MONDAY DEC 31 NEW YEAR’S EVE musical project. “There’s no specificMISS orKENNEDY’S focused their aural terror to Sunn O)))’s recorded FOLLOWED BY SINFERNO CABARET AT 11PM WITH CABARET MISS KENNEDY’S CABARET SUNDAY SUNDAY religious ideology within the group,” he says. output—not to mention Sun Ra cohort JuA STEAMPUNK A STEAMPUNK DEC 16 DEC 16 TUESDAY asked a lot, about what’s the lian Priester, MONDAY 31 NEW featured onDEC Monoliths andYEAR’S Di-EVE MONDAY DEC 31 NEW YEAR’S EVE “That question gets DEC 18 FOLLOWED BY SINFERNO CABARET AT 11PM WITH FOLLOWED BY SINFERNO CABARET AT 11PM WITH religious angle of Sunn O))), or the spiritual as- mensions’ spiraling tribute to Alice Coltrane, pect of what we’re doing.” “Alice.” One of their more infamous pairings TUESDAY TUESDAYWITH COUNTRYSIDE RIDE Sunn O))) made a name for themselves in features Julian Cope incanting a 20-minute DEC 18 DEC 18 & DAVY JAY SPARROW Continued on pg. 21 the early 2000s with a distillation of metal’s $10 ADV 9PM

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The Mountain Goats’ latest LP, Transcendental Youth, is more about growing pains than the optimism of being young. As with past records, Darnielle’s characters are dealing with their own struggles. While most of his characters are just that—characters—

like Tallahassee, which dealt with a marriage coming unraveled, and the ambitious The Life of the World to Come, in which Darnielle—an atheist—took on the Bible. Transcendental Youth is more of a mixed Continued on pg. 21

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Pinehurst Kids from pg. 19 ances from the police.” After releasing the three aforementioned records to moderate fanfare, they went on hiatus before returning in 2009 with an exquisite comeback EP, Later’d (which Davis professes was written during his “dark period”). The band disappeared again for a brief three-year period, but with two releases in 2012—two songs on a split 7-inch with the Wolfman Fairies, and a brand-new five-song EP, Nobody Talks—Pinehurst Kids appear back for good. And in spite of mortgages, parenting responsibilities, receding hairlines, and expanding waistlines, Pinehurst Kids have thankfully retained the aggression and youthful zest that defined their earliest work (as opposed to mellowing out, which many artists and critics alike equate with “artistic maturation”). “There was a time when our shows were well attended and the sort of music that we play was what people were into,” says Davis on the current state of music in Portland and, specifically, its fixation with what he describes as “bucolic” folk-rock. “I don’t think there’s a huge market, or any big scene for loud music in this town, but that’s fine. There will always be people who like that stuff and it’s not a reason to stop playing. I mean, we could start a new folk band and call ourselves the Bearded Birds of Yesterlore….” Don’t even think about it, Joe. Sunn O))) from pg. 20 tale about Sunn O))) principals Anderson and O’Malley roaming medieval valleys, “[purveying] a sonic doom.” Anderson doesn’t bat an eye at the outrageous list. “It happens naturally, you know,” he says. “There’s nothing specific that we look for, it just happens.” The constant flow of outside influence keeps the band’s sub-100 Hz drone from becoming just noise—their most recent fulllength, 2009’s Monoliths and Dimensions, both honed in on their trademark sound and expanded outward with instrumentation new to the Sunn O))) sound. The record moved past their old method of “just Stephen and me playing riffs together,” as Anderson says. Opener “Aghartha” begins with Attila Csihar’s slow-creep story of innerEarth cities and expands, eventually incorporating what sounds like the studio walls bending to the point of snapping from the power of Sunn O)))’s riffs. Even for a band whose metronomes measure in beats per hour, Sunn O))) has taken an unusually languid victory lap since Monoliths. Sunn O))) the live band has replaced Sunn O))) the studio project for almost four years now, and the members don’t seem pressed to change the current state of affairs. “There hasn’t really been anything discussed,” says Anderson. For Sunn O))), flux seems the only productive mode of operation. Anderson can’t be bothered when he says, “It’s up in the air.” The Mountain Goats from pg. 20 bag, but no less intense. The upbeat and strummy “Harlem Roulette” incorporates the story of Frankie Lymon, who worked on a song in a studio in 1968, then went home and overdosed on heroin at the age of 25. It’s less about Lymon as it is about the idea of tragedy striking in the middle of mundane, day-to-day life. Even as Darnielle continues to immerse himself in the lives of characters dealing with life’s obstacles, he remains optimistic. Maybe realistic is the right word. Just don’t attribute it to him becoming a father. “I had that attitude even when I was broke. It’s bedrock. Things are going to happen regardless of how you react to it.”

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terhouse (recorded as the Ty Segall Band) will peel the paint off walls; his latest, Twins, is the official follow-up to his excellent Melted and Goodbye Bread solo records. Segall, along with Thee Oh Sees and Sic Alps, has made a name for San Francisco over the past few years, but tonight he belongs to Portland. MARK LORE

FRIDAY 12/14 PORTLAND CELLO PROJECT (Aladdin Theater, 3017 SE Milwaukie) See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 17.

SUNN O))), DEAD IN THE DIRT, LOINCLOTH, FONTANELLE (Roseland, 8 NW 6th) See Music, pg. 19.

LUCK-ONE, BIG MO, J. BURNS (Backspace, 115 NW 5th) At this point it appears that Luck-One, despite self-generated rumors to the contrary, is just getting started—as evidenced by his latest full-length, which also features the talents of singer, musician, producer, and master hook-writer Dizz. The effort, titled Critical Mass, dropped months ago, yet the duo is only now getting around to celebrating its release in a live setting. The guests on the record—including Portland’s own Mica Parris, Tope and Epp from TxE, and Seattle’s SPAC3MAN—make a strong case in favor of Luck’s continued evolution as a recording artist. It’s never a bad thing to back out of a planned retirement after you realize you’re at the top of your game. This one dude Shawn Carter even did it. As long as Luck avoids becoming the hiphop Cher, we’ll all be straight. RYAN FEIGH

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LAVENDER DIAMOND, CALICO ROSE, LUZ ELENA MENDOZA (Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside) As airy and edgeless as a soap bubble floating in the sunset, Lavender Diamond are weird precisely because they are so sincerely and single-mindedly committed to being pretty, surely the least bizarre of any aesthetic. Apparently, pretty can’t be rushed. Incorruptible Heart, their second album, came out this year, five years after their debut, Imagine Our Love. Fronted by LA-based singer Becky Stark, Lavender Diamond strikes a chord for people who are pretty sure the Carpenters represent the pinnacle of popular music. Occasional digital blips, swelling horns, and guitar effects—rarely on the same song—provide just enough texture to signify that all this softness is intentional. The album’s A-list producers (OK Go’s Damian Kulash Jr. and Dave Fridmann) keep things bright and just a little zany by drawing on a symphony’s worth of instruments. REBECCA WILSON

ARANYA, ORDER OF THE GASH, CREATURE GUTS

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(Club 21, 2035 NE Glisan) With track titles like “Crom Ghund Walest I” and “Ostp Wird Laugh Fec,” you might expect Aranya—the other band of Witch Mountain singer Uta Plotkin—to make metal of the doomiest, darkest, most medieval sort possible. And while there is a streak of black magic running straight through Farabequah, their new split 12-inch (Speed of Darkness helms the flipside), it’s more than countered by the band’s pastoral tendencies, which rein in a much tamer, but perhaps more exotic beast. “Grasp” sounds like a particularly stormy Fairport Convention (Sandy Denny era), while the Celtic-flavored “Wraith” has inter-looping guitar and fiddle lines that sprout into stoner riffing and a banshee wail from Plotkin. In between the three longer pieces are “ritual chants,” a cappella pieces repeated in some arcane, possibly invented tongue. It’s to Aranya’s credit that their metal-tinged folk-prog never tips into the ridiculous, but remains adventurous, atmospheric, and powerful. NL

CLOSELY WATCHED TRAINS (East Burn, 1800 E Burnside) Closely Watched Trains will make you want to stand up and square dance (or pretend you know how to). This folkinspired band plays old-time country with dashes of bluegrass, creating a crisp Americana fl avor. Vocalist Lanie White’s tones range impressively, commanding your attention with full-bodied power. The band shares instrumental and vocal responsibilities, creating songs that have a natural and complementary fl ow. As a band that began as a jam session, they’ve come a long way in performing and perfecting their music. Closely Watched Trains will make you crave summer nights spent around a campfi re, but for now, we can sip hot toddies and do a little boot-stompin’. RM

December 12th, 2012 portlandmercury.com 21

22 portlandmercury.com December 12th, 2012

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DAVID BAZAN, STAGNANT POOLS (Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi) David Bazan put Pedro the Lion to rest in 2006 and said adios to God no later than 2009, when his first solo LP, Curse Your Branches, came out. It was a breakup album, to put it mildly. On last year’s Strange Negotiations, Bazan resolves faithlessness and skepticism with all the grace of somebody who has come to terms with not having any answers. The best part of this is that, though Pedro is no more, Bazan’s solo albums sound less like solo projects and more like a continuation of the indie band that gave Jesus a toehold on college radio in the late ’90s. To that end, tonight he’s revisiting Pedro’s 2002 album Control in its entirety. RW

SATURDAY 12/15 MICHELE WYLEN, THEE MIKE B, DJ BLVD NIGHTS (Someday Lounge, 125 NW 5th) See Music, pg. 20.

ALT-J, WILDCAT! WILDCAT! (Star Theater, 13 NW 6th) With a Mercury Prize underneath their belt, Alt-J have risen above early buzz—and a truly unfortunate name—to become a force to be reckoned with. This, their first Portland show, is already sold out (their September date opening for Grouplove was cancelled), proving the British band’s inventive blend of twirling paisley pop, clockwork folktronic beats, and Thom Yorke-ian drama has not fallen upon deaf ears. NL

MELLOWHYPE, TRASH TALK, CASSOW, RAW NERVES (Branx, 320 SE 2nd) This bill boasts two different incarnations/affiliates of LA skate-punk-rap collective Odd Future. Rapper/producer duo MellowHype features Hodgy Beats, who has demonstrated some serious growth as a lyricist on the group’s recent Numbers and the Odd Future Tape Vol. 2, and Left Brain, whose woozy, blunted beats provide an ideal setting for Hodgy’s aggressive, abstract rap styles. Odd Future label signees Trash Talk do hardcore the way it should be done in 2012: loud, fast, and devoid of the genre’s cornier, formulaic elements— look elsewhere if you still think every hardcore song needs a bro-tastic breakdown. MIKE RAMOS

NUGGETS NIGHT (Slabtown, 1033 NW 16th) Slabtown’s Nuggets Night is one of our city’s coolest annual music-related events. Every year, assorted Portland power-pop/ punk kinfolk gather under the bar’s roof to pay tribute to the indescribably influential ’60s US garage compilation, Nuggets: Original Artyfacts from the First Psychedelic Era 1965-1968, an album whose curator, Lenny Kaye (later of Patti Smith’s backing band), incidentally coined the term “punk rock” in reference to the bands on the record. On top of simply being an awesome premise for a covers show, the event has always been for a good cause; it began as a benefit for none other than Question Mark himself of ? and the Mysterians, and this sixth Nuggets Night is no exception. Proceeds will go toward the Oregon Music Hall of Fame’s scholarship fund, and a portion of bar sales will be donated to WFMU and legendary garage label Norton Records, both of which were affected by Hurricane Sandy. MORGAN TROPER

HORSE FEATHERS, FRANK FAIRFIELD, EZZA ROSE BAND (Aladdin Theater, 3017 SE Milwaukie) Horse Feathers’ fourth album, Cynic’s New Year, sounds positively upbeat. No, really, bear with me. The abundance of instruments—horns, strings, woodwinds—encases Justin Ringle’s mournful voice and sad stories in a warm blanket of company. Even as he fi xates on life’s most personal and (possibly) most profound tragedies, there’s a metaphorical sense of uplift and a very real sense of nuance. The bigger sound is compelling and mature, and it makes for a wonderfully cohesive listening experience. Meanwhile, opener Frank Fairfield may have been born 100 years too late, but he isn’t trying to capitalize on old-time nostalgia. The fact that people happen to be possessed of nostalgia for this type of music is a happy coincidence, one that took him off the streets of LA and into our concert venues. Fairfield may be a time capsule, but he’s the real deal. RW

HIGH ON FIRE, GOATWHORE, LO-PAN, APE MACHINE (Dante’s, 1 SW 3rd) Bands like Sleep and High on Fire were unleashing billows of sludge and smoke before stoner metal was a thing. It was loud and low, with riffs meant to be paired with spliffs. What ties these bands together is guitarist Matt Pike, whose specialty is dropping lumbering riffs and reeling off epic solos. Af-

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ter a two-month stint in rehab for alcohol abuse, which led to the cancellation of dates from Sleep and High on Fire, Pike is leading HOF back out on the road. Of course, this is not to be missed. And just because Pike is clean doesn’t mean the rest of us have to be. ML

SUNDAY 12/16 BLIND PILOT, ALLEN STONE, JD MCPHERSON (Roseland, 8 NW 6th) See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 17.

THE MOUNTAIN GOATS, MATTHEW E. WHITE (Aladdin Theater, 3017 SE Milwaukie) See Music, pg. 20.

SONS OF HUNS, GAYTHEIST (Rontoms, 600 E Burnside) Sons of Huns really don’t half-ass anything. That’s why, even though their new release is a two-song 7-inch, it’s fully loaded with all the punishing riffs, thunderous drums, and buzzsaw bass you’d expect from one of the hardest-rockin’ hard-rock bands in Portland. The 7-inch features “Leaving Your Body” and “Wanderer”—two of the group’s more rollicking numbers, each familiar to those who’ve seen the group’s punk rock shred-fest live over the past year. To boot, tonight’s show is the official release of the record, is totally free, and will be opened by the equally ferocious/melodic rock juggernaut of Gaytheist. It may not be summertime anymore, but Rontoms is gonna be one big sweaty sauna of Hessian heaven this Sunday. RYAN J. PRADO

JOE HAEGE FAREWELL: STREET NIGHTS, GHOST TO FALCO, SLIM FORTUNE (Bunk Bar, 1028 SE Water) Songwriter/musician/carnival barker Joe Haege, of Tu Fawning and 31Knots, is bidding Portland adieu. After spending 14 years here, the bountifully creative cornerstone of this city’s music scene has been bitten by that most seductive of bugs: acting. Haege’s move to LA is less of a boondoggle than it seems—his impressive turns in locally made indie films like How the Fire Fell and Field Guide to November Days clearly show that the man knows how to behave in front of a camera. (Let’s not get into Exhibit C, Haege’s bizarro turn as a Jellicle cat in the commercial for Beech St. Parlor.) Haege says goodbye with a stacked bill of his close friends’ bands, and he also threatens to open the evening with a short set of songs from his new solo project, recorded under the name Vin Blanc/White Wine. Digital downloads of the album will be available for sale as well. NL

MONDAY 12/17 MAN FOREVER, NEAL MORGAN, VIRGIN BLOOD (Record Room, 8 NE Killingsworth) Kid Millions’ evermorphing percussive meditations in Brooklyn ambientrock crew Oneida are put to roiling, bizarre ritual with his side project, Man Forever. Within the first five minutes of “Surface Patterns”—track one of the two-track, 40-minute-long LP, Pansophical Cataract—assessments from anyone within earshot could range from “it sounds like mutant insects taking over the planet” to “I don’t understand what’s happening here.” Both are reasonably accurate deductions, considering the swell of repetitive drum patterns and textured tendrils of unfettered noise. Millions’ experimental bents are utilized to the absolute furthest corners of contemplation, daring listeners to turn away from the hypnotic drive of multi-minute drum rolls before anything else happens. Recommended as crucial background music if you ever find yourself shirtless, traipsing in the spirit world with Jim Morrison, Terrence McKenna, and Timothy Leary. RJP

TUESDAY 12/18 VICE DEVICE, STAY CALM (Bunk Bar, 1028 SE Water) See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 17.

KOMMANDANT, SANGUIS IMPEREM, WEREGOAT, CEMETERY LUST (Rotture, 315 SE 3rd) Only one week until Christmas!! What better way to celebrate the advent of the lord’s b-day than by seeing some blaspheming metal fit for Halloween? The blackened thrash of local ghouls Cemetery Lust will have you decking the halls with upside-down crosses, leather, and spikes. Five longhaired, sweaty dudes churning out tunes about digging up graves and defiling their contents? They’re the perfect gift for baby Jesus! The other treat of the evening is Chicago’s Kommandant. The band plays tight, militaristic black metal while donned in gay apparel (i.e., black uniforms, crossbelts, and gas masks). As the band stands rigid, vocalist Marcus Matthew Kolar growls from behind a podium, gesturing like a mad dictator. Aesthetically intimidating and aurally devastating, Kommandant will have you dreaming of a Black Christmas instead. ARIS WALES

December 12th, 2012 portlandmercury.com 23

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Music Music

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LAVENDER DIAMOND Doug Fir, 12/14

Live Music

LISTINGS

WEDNESDAY 12/12

ANDINA—Neftali Rivera, 7 pm ASH STREET SALOON—The Blood, Terokal, Shock Troops, Vivid Sekt, 9:30 pm, $8 BIDDY MCGRAW’S—Henry Hill Kammerer, 9 pm BLUE DIAMOND—The Fenix Project, 9 pm BRASSERIE MONTMARTRE—Nicole Glover, 7 pm BUFFALO GAP—Andy Stokes, 9 pm, free ★ BUNK BAR—Social Studies, Genders, 9 pm, $3 CAMELLIA LOUNGE—The Goods Jazz Jam: Errick Lewis & the Regiment House Band, 8:30 pm CROWN ROOM—Proper Movement: Josh Romo, Zita, Matty B, King Fader, 10 pm, free ★ CRYSTAL BALLROOM—Family of the Year, Josh & Mer, 8 pm, $1, all ages

AUTUMN DE WILDE

DOUG FIR—Halo Refuser, L’Ha, Guda, 9 pm, $5 DUFF’S GARAGE—High Flyers, 6 pm, $2; Suburban Slim’s Blues Jam: Suburban Slim, John Neish, Jeff Strawbridge, 9 pm EAST BURN—Irish Music Jam, 7 pm EAST END—Light House, Deathcharge, Concrete Floor, 9 pm EDGEFIELD—Water Tower, 7 pm, free, all ages; Radical Revolution, 7 pm, free ELLA STREET SOCIAL CLUB—Dead Cat Spirit, D. Pel, Class M Planets, 9 pm, $5 EUGENIO’S—Open Mic, 6:30 pm FIRE ON THE MOUNTAIN—Kory Quinn, 9:30 pm GOOD NEIGHBOR PIZZERIA—Open Mic GOODFOOT—Shafty, 9 pm, $7 HAWTHORNE THEATRE LOUNGE—gh0st, 6 pm, free ISLAND MANA WINES—David & Goliath, 4 pm IVORIES—Aaron Johnson, Dave Frishberg JADE LOUNGE—Adam Brock, 7 pm JIMMY MAK’S—Mel Brown Quartet, 8 pm, $5 KELLS—Cronin Tierney, 9 pm KELLY’S OLYMPIAN—Child Children, Dinosaur Heart, 9 pm, $5 LANDMARK SALOON—Bob Shoemaker, 6 pm; Jake Ray & The Cowdogs, 9:30 pm

24 portlandmercury.com December 12th, 2012

TV

Fun

LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—Lone Madrone, 6 pm; Patchy Sanders, Leo J & the Melee, 9 pm, free MISSION THEATER—Meshell Ndegeocello, Luz Elena Mendoza, 8 pm, $35 MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB—Mr. Hoo, noon, all ages ★ MISSISSIPPI STUDIOS—Pinehurst Kids, Empire Rocket Machine, Charts, 9 pm, $5 ★ MT. TABOR THEATER—Chicharones, Sapient, Device Grips, DJ Josh Burns, 9 pm, $8-10 MUDDY RUDDER—Stumbleweed, 8 pm O’CONNORS VAULT—Dave Fleschner, Alan Hagar, 7 pm, $5; Jon Koonce & One More Mile, 8 pm, free THE OLD CHURCH—ARRO Holiday Party + Fundraiser: Wilson High School Choir, Rose City Trombones, 6 pm, $12, all ages THE PRESS CLUB—Jeff Trapp, 8 pm ROCK BOTTOM BREWERY—Jordan Harris: Lost & Found, 9 pm SHAKER AND VINE—Robbie Laws, 7 pm, free THIRSTY LION—Jordan Harris, 8:30 pm TONY STARLIGHT’S—Tony Starlight Christmas Extravaganza, 7:30 pm, $18 ★ VALENTINE’S—Pictorials, Grrlfriend, Needles & Pizza, 9 pm, free VIE DE BOHEME—Pink Lady & the John Bennett Jazz Band, 7:30 pm WHITE EAGLE—Brad Parsons, Giraffe Dodgers, 8:30 pm, free WILF’S—Ron Steen, Marilyn Keller, Joe Millward, 7:30 pm

THURSDAY 12/13 ★ ALADDIN THEATER—Beck the Halls: Portland Cello Project, 8 pm, $15-20 ALBERTA ROSE THEATRE—Portland Live: Liv Warfield, 7 pm, $10-12 ANDINA—Greg Wolfe, 7 pm ARTICHOKE MUSIC—Acoustic Village, 7 pm, $5 ASH STREET SALOON—Vises, Raksha, No More Parachutes, 9:30 pm, $5 ★ BACK DOOR THEATER—Arrington de Dionyso, Tom Blood, Jordan Dykstra, Caspar Sonnet, 8 pm, $7 BERBATI—Neighbors, The New Pioneers, Gums, Antitune, 9 pm, $6 BIDDY MCGRAW’S—Josh Bigg, 9 pm BLUE DIAMOND—Ben Jones, 9 pm

★ BRANX—Cattle Decapitation, Theories, Kill on Sight, Only Zuul, The Diggers, Anonymia, 6:30 pm, $10, all ages BUFFALO GAP—Rockers in the Round: Chris Margolin, Jordan Harris, Travis Williams, 8 pm, free CLYDE’S PRIME RIB—Steve Bradley, Jim Mesi, 7 pm CORKSCREW WINE BAR—Joseph Appel, 8 pm CRYSTAL BALLROOM—Boys Noize, American Girls, 9 pm, $25-35 ★ DANTE’S—Corrosion of Conformity, Yob, Saviours, 9 pm, $18 ★ DOUG FIR—The We Shared Milk, The Lower 48, Spirit Lake, 9 pm, $5 DUFF’S GARAGE—Tough Love Pyle, 6 pm, $2; Guitar Shorty, 9 pm, $15 ★ EAST END—Souvenir Driver, Outer Space Heaters, Good Wolf, 9 pm EAT: AN OYSTER BAR—Steve Cheseborough, 7 pm EDGEFIELD—Paul Basile, 7 pm, free THE ELIXIR LAB—Johnny D’s Community Jam, 7 pm GOODFOOT—By All Means Band, 9 pm, $7 GRAND CAFE/ANDREA’S CHA CHA CLUB—Pilon d’Azucar Salsa Band, 9:30 pm HALIBUT’S—Terry Robb, 8 pm, free HEATHMAN—Johnny Martin, 7 pm IVORIES—Gus Pappelis JIMMY MAK’S—Mel Brown B3 Organ Band, 8 pm, $5 KELLS—Cronin Tierney, 9 pm KELLY’S OLYMPIAN—Endless Loop, Stepkid, Rainbows, Crenshaw, 9 pm, $5 KENNEDY SCHOOL—Water Tower, 7 pm, free, all ages ★ THE KNOW—Woolen Men, Still Caves, The Hooded Hags, Christian Profeta, 8 pm LANDMARK SALOON—Chris Miller, 6 pm; The Pickups, 8:30 pm LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—Mimi & Jay Cobb, 6 pm; Ridgerunner Summit: Jim Boyer, Lynn Conover, Dan Haley, Tim Acott, 9:30 pm MISSION THEATER—Hands On! A Tribute to Herbie Hancock: George Colligan, 7:30 pm, $15 MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB—Mo Phillips, Johnny & Jason, 6 pm; Palace Fiction, 9 pm MISSISSIPPI STUDIOS—The Dimes, Holiday Friends, Northeast Northwest, 9 pm, $10-20 MOCK CREST TAVERN—Claes of the Blueprints, 8:30 pm MUDDY RUDDER—Carl Solomon, 8 pm

★ Means we recommend it. To list your live music or DJ event, send your information at least nine days in advance to music@portlandmercury.com.

December 12th, 2012 portlandmercury.com 25

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Music

WHITEY MORGAN Downtown Stumptown, 12/14 & Landmark Saloon, 12/15

Live Music

LISTINGS

★ THE OLD CHURCH—Adam Hurst, 7:30 pm, $12-15, all ages THE PRESS CLUB—Inky Shadows, 8 pm RED ROOM—Blood Oath, Vengeance, The Suppression, Path to Ruin, 9 pm, $5 RETRO RHYTHM—Ron Steen, 8 pm, free ROCK BOTTOM BREWERY—Reverend Hammer, 9 pm ★ ROSELAND—Kreayshawn, Rye Rye, Honey Cocaine, Chippy Nonstop, 8 pm, $20, all ages ROTTURE—Soul Nite: Chazz Madrigal, Johnny Grayston, 9 pm, $5 ★ SAVOY—Like a Villain THE SECRET SOCIETY—Lone Madrone, 6 pm, all ages; Shanghai Woolies, Underscore Orkestra, 9 pm, $10 SHAKER AND VINE—The Wishermen, 8 pm, $5 SLIM’S—Taylor Kingman, Thom Lyons, 9 pm, free SOMEDAY LOUNGE—Super Duper Fun Gun, Child Children, Exotic Club, 9 pm, $6 ★ STAR THEATER—Ty Segall, The Night Beats, Nucular Aminals, 9 pm, $12 THIRSTY LION—Sami Rouissi, 9 pm TIGER BAR—Karaoke from Hell, 9:30 pm, free ★ TONIC LOUNGE—Pony Village, Thanks, The World Radiant, The Morals, Leroy Jerome, 9 pm VALENTINE’S—A Breakthrough in Field Studies, Tennis Pro, Common Dear, 9 pm WHITE EAGLE—The Brothers of the Hound, 5:30 pm, free, all ages; Reign the Arcade, Yougsun, Travis Peterson, 8:30 pm, free WILF’S—Tara Williamson, 7:30 pm

FRIDAY 12/14 ★ ALADDIN THEATER—Beck the Halls: Portland Cello Project, 8 pm, $15-20 ALBERTA ROSE THEATRE—Woodburn Rocks, Patrick G. Moran, Jana Losey, Urban Wildlife, Butterfly Breakdown, Jen Ambrose, Tom Foolery, Anthony Brady, Guillotine Necktie, The Just Reverie, 7 pm, $9-13 ANDINA—Sambafeat, 8 pm ARTICHOKE MUSIC—Friday Night Coffeehouse, $5, all ages ★ ASH STREET SALOON—Find Your Smile, System & Station, The Greater Midwest, The Very Foundation, 9:30 pm, $5 ★ BACKSPACE—Luck-One, Big Mo, J. Burns, 9 pm, all ages BERBATI—Charming Birds, The Hoons, The Needful Longings, 9 pm BIDDY MCGRAW’S—Lynn Conover, 6 pm, all ages; Bar Pilots, 9:30 pm BLUE MONK—Eddie Martinez, 9 pm BRASSERIE MONTMARTRE—Trashcan Joe, 8 pm BUFFALO GAP—Dryland Farmers Band, 9 pm, free CAMELLIA LOUNGE—Ibrahim Abderrahim Band, 8 pm, $5 CANVAS ART BAR—Open Mic: Steve Huber, 7 pm, free, all ages ★ CLUB 21—Aranya, Order of the Gash, Creature Guts, 9 pm, free ★ DANTE’S—Big-Ass Sandwiches Winter Formal: Nicky Croon & The Swingin’ Richards, 9 pm, $10 ★ DOUG FIR—Lavender Diamond, Calico Rose, Luz Elena Mendoza, 9 pm, $10 DUFF’S GARAGE—The Hamdogs, 6 pm, $2; DK Stewart & The Soul Survivor Horns, 9 pm, $10 ★ EAST BURN—Closely Watched Trains, 10 pm, free ★ EAST END—Horus, Black Pussy, Antikythera, 9 pm EDGEFIELD—Dickens Carolers, 7 pm, free; Lon Milo Duquette, 7 pm, free ★ FIRKIN TAVERN—The Harvey Girls, Brother Egg, Too Long, 9 pm, free

30 portlandmercury.com December 12th, 2012

CLAY ABBOTT

FIRST BAPTIST CHURCH—Handel’s Messiah: Portland Baroque Orchestra, 7:30 pm, $26-69 FOGGY NOTION—Bent: Roy G Biv, Mr. Charming, Bruce LaBruiser, Mexx-tape, Jeau Breedlove, 9 pm, $5 FORD FOOD & DRINK—Don of Division St., 5 pm; Anna & the Underbelly, Vacilando, 8 pm, free GOLD DUST MERIDIAN—DJ Cecilia, 10 pm, free GOODFOOT—DJ Aquaman’s Soul Stew, 9 pm THE GOVERNOR HOTEL—City Club Friday Forum Holiday Show: PSU Chamber Choir, 11:30 am, $5, all ages HALIBUT’S—Sonny Hess, 8 pm, free HAWTHORNE THEATRE LOUNGE—Black Black Things, The Colin Hogan Trio, 6 pm, free; Sundowner, 8:30 pm, $6 ISLAND MANA WINES—David & Goliath, 4 pm; Joe Marquand, 4:30 pm IVORIES—Devin Phillips Quartet ★ JACK LONDON BAR AT THE RIALTO—Erotic City, 9 pm, $5 JIMMY MAK’S—Soulmates, 8 pm, $10 KATIE O’BRIEN’S—Bramones, The Crusher, 9 pm, free KELLS—Coming Up 3s, 9:30 pm KENTON CLUB—82nd Street Heartache, Dark Horse, Ghostwriter, 9 pm, free THE KNOW—Pissheads, Frenzy, Silencer, 8 pm LANDMARK SALOON—WC Beck, 6 pm; Roy Kay Trio, 9 pm, $5 ★ LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—Woodbrain, 6 pm; Michael Hurley, Ruby Feathers, Jake Ray, 9:30 pm MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB—Toy Trains, 4 pm, all ages; Vagabond & Tramp, 6 pm; Underscore Orkestra, 9 pm ★ MISSISSIPPI STUDIOS—David Bazan, Stagnant Pools, 9 pm, $14-16 MOCK CREST TAVERN—Sneakin’ Out, 9 pm MT. TABOR THEATER—Cats Under the Stars, 7 pm, $4 MUDDY RUDDER—Sportin’ Lifers, 8 pm NEL CENTRO—Mike Pardew, 9:30 pm NEWMARK THEATRE—The Most Wonderful Season: Portland Gay Men’s Chorus, 8 pm, $17 THE OLD CHURCH—Christmas at the Old Church, 7:30 pm, all ages PONDEROSA LOUNGE (AT JUBITZ)—Sweetwater, 9 pm, $2-5 RED & BLACK CAFE—Ubu Roi, Shitty Weekend, Bath Party, 7 pm RED ROOM—Sabateur, Terraclipse, Ill-Equipped, Kong at the Gates, Gate of the Gods, 9 pm, $5 ROCK BOTTOM BREWERY—Rusty Bandsaw, 9 pm ★ ROSELAND—Sunn O))), Dead in the Dirt, Loincloth, Fontanelle, 9 pm, $20, all ages THE SECRET SOCIETY—Pete Krebs & His Portland Playboys, 6 pm, all ages; Rob Stroup & The Blame, Mike D, A Simple Colony, 9 pm, $7 SHAKER AND VINE—Naming Names, Monoliths, 8 pm, $5 SLIM’S—Porter Jones, Sloe Lorus, Aaron Shur, 9 pm, free SOMEDAY LOUNGE—The Sindicate, Abadawn, The Longshots, Reign Cycle, 9 pm, $6 THE SPARE ROOM—The Get Ahead, 9 pm, free ST. MATTHEW’S EPISCOPAL CHURCH—Parkrose Christmas Sing-Along Concert: Portland Chamber Music, 7 pm, free, all ages ST. JOHNS THEATER AND PUB—Roseland Hunters, Worth, The Ruby Pines, 7:30 pm, $7-10 STUMPTOWN (DOWNTOWN)—Whitey Morgan, 9 pm, free, all ages THE TARDIS ROOM—Arthur Moore, 8 pm THIRSTY LION—Reverend Hammer, 9:30 pm TIFFANY CENTER—Turkish Sacred Music Concert: Whirling Dervishes of the Mevlevi Order, 7:30 pm, $15-25 TIGER BAR—Treat Me Right, Sweet Emotion, 9 pm, $7 TONIC LOUNGE—Crag Dweller, Lamprey, Doomsower, 9:30 pm TONY STARLIGHT’S—Dean Martin Tribute, the Christmas Version: Tony Starlight, 8 pm, $18 VIE DE BOHEME—Chata Addy, 8 pm THE WAYPOST—Lone Madrone, Robin Bacior, Paul Basile, 8 pm

Music

ALT-J Star Theater, 12/15

Live Music

LISTINGS

★ WHITE EAGLE—The Reverb Brothers, 5:30 pm, free, all ages; Stan McMahon Band, Counterfeit Cash, Duover, 9:30 pm, $8 WILF’S—Ed Bennett Quintet, 7:30 pm

SATURDAY 12/15 ★ ALADDIN THEATER—Horse Feathers, Frank Fairfield, Ezza Rose Band, 8 pm, $15 ANDINA—Toshi Onizuka, 8 pm ARLENE SCHNITZER CONCERT HALL—Fiesta Navidad: Oregon Symphony, Mariachi Los Camperos de Nati Cano, 7:30 pm, $25-96 ASH STREET SALOON—HEMA, Assisted Living, Veio, 9 pm, $5 BIDDY MCGRAW’S—The Barkers, 6 pm, all ages BLUE DIAMOND—The Headhunters, 9 pm ★ BRANX—Mellowhype, Trash Talk, Cassow, Raw Nerves, 8 pm, $13, all ages BRASSERIE MONTMARTRE—Gravy, 8 pm BUFFALO GAP—Broken Soviet, 9 pm, free CAMELLIA LOUNGE—Toque Libre, 9 pm, $5 CLUB 21—The Happening, Tomorrow People, 9 pm, free ★ DANTE’S—High on Fire, Goatwhore, Lo-Pan, Ape Machine, 9 pm, $16 ★ DOUG FIR—The Mother Hips, The Parson Red Heads, Aina Haina, 9 pm, $14-16 ★ DUFF’S GARAGE—Candye Kane, 9 pm EAST BURN—Boy & Bean, 10 pm, free EAST END—The Fallmen, Metropolitan Farms, Sam Wegman & the Upper Lower Class, 9 pm EAT: AN OYSTER BAR—Satellite Malone, 4 pm EDGEFIELD—Dickens Carolers, 7 pm, free; Naomi Hooley, 7 pm, free ★ ELLA STREET SOCIAL CLUB—The Hugs, Technicolor Caterpillar, 9 pm, free FIRKIN TAVERN—Bevelers, Eye Level Eye, 9 pm, free FIRST BAPTIST CHURCH—Handel’s Messiah: Portland Baroque Orchestra, 7:30 pm, $26-69 FIRST UNITARIAN CHURCH—Ceremony of Carols: Choral Arts Ensemble of Portland, 7:30 pm, $12-18, all ages FOGGY NOTION—Crag Dweller, Bullets or Balloons, Olympia, Pinkzilla, 9 pm, $3 GEMINI LOUNGE—Denim Wedding, 9 pm, free GOODFOOT—Jujuba, 9 pm, $8 HALIBUT’S—Robbie Laws, 8 pm HAWTHORNE THEATRE—Dusty 45s, 8 pm, $10-12 HAWTHORNE THEATRE LOUNGE—Star Rats, 6 pm, free; Kaizen Rex, Perfect Monster, Crooked Toad, 8:30 pm, free IVORIES—Ezra Weiss Sextet JADE LOUNGE—Krista Herring, Matty Charles, 6 pm JIMMY MAK’S—Holiday Soul: Patrick Lamb, Liv Warfield, 10 pm, $15-18 KATIE O’BRIEN’S—The Decliners, The Underlings, Avenue Victor Hugo, Mormon Trannys, 9 pm, free KELLS—Coming Up 3s, 9:30 pm KELLY’S OLYMPIAN—Sad Little Men, Commonly Courteous, The Lonesome Crows, Not From Brooklyn, 9 pm, $5 ★ KENTON CLUB—Black Pussy, Bison Bison, Mosquito Hawk, Diesto, 9 pm, free ★ THE KNOW—Lopez, Glose, Opposition Party, 8 pm ★ LANDMARK SALOON—Whitey Morgan, 9 pm, $5 LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—James Low Western Front, 6 pm; Everyday Prophets, 9:30 pm ★ MELODY BALLROOM—Breakside Brewery’s Winter Formal: DJ Anjali & The Incredible Kid, Boy Eats Drum Machine, 7:30 pm, $12 MISSION THEATER—Dinner and a Show with the Dandy Warhols, 6 pm, $75

JORY CORDY

MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB—Christmas Music Show: Percy Twig, 6 pm; Trashcan Joe, 9 pm ★ MISSISSIPPI STUDIOS—XDS, Like a Villain, DJ Magic Beans, 1 pm, free; Corey Smith, Henry at War, 8:30 pm, $11-13 MOCK CREST TAVERN—Dawn & The Dents, 9 pm NEL CENTRO—Mike Pardew, Dave Captein, Randy Rollofson, 9:30 pm NEWMARK THEATRE—The Most Wonderful Season: Portland Gay Men’s Chorus, 8 pm, $17 O’CONNORS VAULT—Ron Rodgers & The Wailing Wind, 8 pm, $5 THE OLD CHURCH—Christmas at the Old Church, 7:30 pm, all ages PILGRIM LUTHERAN CHURCH—Lents Christmas Sing-Along Concert: Portland Chamber Music, 7 pm, free, all ages PONDEROSA LOUNGE (AT JUBITZ)—Panther Creek, 9 pm, $2-5 THE PRESS CLUB—Jenna Ellefson, 8 pm ★ RECORD ROOM—Sama Dams, Pigeons, Bear & Moose, 8 pm, $5 RED ROOM—Stuck on Nothing, Die Robot, Battle Axe Massacre, She Preaches Mayhem, 9 pm, $5 REFUGE—3rd Annual Portland Masquerade Ball: Blackalicious, Love & Light, Just People, Marv Ellis, Mr. Wu, 8:30 pm, $25-30 ROCK BOTTOM BREWERY—Dryland Farmers Band, 9 pm ★ ROTTURE—Bondax, 9 pm, $8 THE SECRET SOCIETY—Everything’s Jake, 6 pm, all ages; Portland Jazz Composers Ensemble, 9 pm, $12-15 SHAKER AND VINE—The Brazen Thistles, 8 pm, $5 ★ SLABTOWN—Nuggets Night: The Pynnacles, Suicide Notes, Queued Up, The Satin Chaps, Beyond Veronica, The Ex-Girlfriends Club, Sundaze, Aeroplanes, The Cool Whips, Dirty Rubbers, Sugar Lumps, Mr. Howell, Paradise, Sellwoods, The Very Foundation, 9 pm SLIM’S—Muscle Beach, Mustaphamond, Drats!!!, 9 pm, free SLOAN’S TAVERN—The Witching Hour: DJ Dark Daughter, 9 pm ★ SOMEDAY LOUNGE—Michele Wylen, Thee Mike B, DJ Blvd Nights, 9 pm, $10 THE SPARE ROOM—Cool Breeze, 9 pm, free ★ STAR THEATER—Alt-J, Wildcat! Wildcat!, 9 pm THIRSTY LION—Rolling Tones, 9 pm TONIC LOUNGE—Matthew Lindley, Brad Parsons, The Oh My Mys, 9:30 pm TONY STARLIGHT’S—Tony Starlight Christmas Extravaganza, 8 pm, $18 VIE DE BOHEME—Twilight Troubadour: Cameron Quick, 5:30 pm; Kode Bluuz, 9 pm THE WAYPOST—A People’s Choir, 8 pm WHITE EAGLE—The Student Loan, 4:30 pm, free, all ages; Basin & Range, Outpost, Palace Fiction, 9:30 pm, $8 WILF’S—Richard Arnold & The Groove Swingers, 7:30 pm WONDER BALLROOM—Krewella, 8 pm, $15-25 ★ YU CONTEMPORARY—Walter Marchetti’s Natura Morta: Patrick Csak, 8 pm, $10, all ages

SUNDAY 12/16 ★ ALADDIN THEATER—The Mountain Goats, Matthew E. White, 8 pm, $22.50 ANDINA—Danny Romero, 7 pm AUGUSTANA LUTHERAN CHURCH—Augustana Jazz Quartet, 6 pm, free, all ages BACKSPACE—Rock ’n’ Roll Camp for Girls, 3 pm, all ages ★ BAR OF THE GODS—42 Ford Prefect, 8 pm, free BIDDY MCGRAW’S—Felim Egan, 8 pm BLUE MONK—Noah Bernstein, 7 pm ★ BUNK BAR—Street Nights, Ghost to Falco, Slim Fortune, 8 pm CLYDE’S PRIME RIB—Ron Steen Jazz Jam, 8:30 pm, free DANTE’S—Sinferno Cabaret, 11 pm

December 12th, 2012 portlandmercury.com 31

AN EVENING OF SENSORY STIMULATION WITH

HALO REFUSER

WEDNESDAY!

BACARDI PRESENTS THE BACK TO BASICS SERIES

WHIMSICAL INDIE-FOLK FROM LA QUARTET

LAVENDER

WE SHARED MILK THE LOWER 48 +SPIRIT LAKE

THE

DIAMOND

THURSDAY!

FRIDAY!

L’HA: THE LASER HARP +GUDA (PDX, MYCELIUM)

WEDNESDAY DECEMBER 12 •

$5 ADVANCE

AN EVENING OF CALIFORNIA SOUL FROM BAY AREA HIP-SHAKERS

THE

THURSDAY DECEMBER 13 •

CALICO ROSE +LUZ MENDOZA

$5 ADVANCE

MOTHER HIPS SATURDAY!

FRIDAY DECEMBER 14

$10 ADVANCE

TWO SPECIAL HOLIDAY SHOWS WITH BELOVED PDX ROCKERS

DANDY WARHOLS THE

MAKE IT A NIGHT Present that night’s show ticket and get $3 off any entree Sun - Thur in the dining room

THE PARSON RED HEADS +AINA HAINA

SATURDAY DECEMBER 15

$16 ADVANCE

830 E BURNSIDE • 503-231-WOOD • www.dougfirlounge.com

A LIVE ALBUM RELEASE CELEBRATION WITH

TIGER HOUSE

LIQUIDLIGHT +HERE COME DOTS

WEDNESDAY DECEMBER 19 •

$6 ADVANCE

DOUG FIR RESTAURANT + BAR OPEN 7AM–LATE EVERYDAY SERVING BREAKFAST, LUNCH, DINNER, LATE-NIGHT. HAPPY HOUR 3-6 PM EVERYDAY, COVERED SMOKING PATIO, FIREPLACE ROOM, LOTS OF LOG. LIVE SHOWS IN THE LOUNGE...

+SOUVENIR DRIVER Doors at 4:30pm TWO Doors at 8:30pm, Show at 9pm Show at 5pm EARLY SHOW! SHOWS! LATE SHOW!

SUNDAY DECEMBER 16

TICKETS GOING FAST

$25 ADVANCE

A SPECIAL EVENING WITH FORMER SILKWORM FRONT-MAN

JOEL R.L. PHELPS

THE ANNUAL AMIGO/AMIGA HOLIDAY SOIREE

KELLI SCHAEFER

AN END OF THE WORLD PARTY WITH

WATER & BODIES FRAME BY FRAME

FRIDAY DECEMBER 21

+MOSBY $10 ADVANCE

TOPE +SLANG

SATURDAY DECEMBER 22 •

$7 ADVANCE

MIND-BLOWING MELDING OF HIP-HOP AND CLASSICAL FROM ONE WOMAN POWERHOUSEPOWERHOUSE

A FESTIVE, FUN-FILLED HOLIDAY EVENING WITH

+MISS MASSIVE SNOWFLAKE

THURSDAY DECEMBER 20

$8 ADVANCE

DOUG FIR PRESENTS THE ANNUAL NYE BLOWOUT

KEVIN CALABA EMILY WELLS (FORMERLY OF STARS OF TRACK & FIELD)

+THE JENNY FINN ORCHESTRA

SUNDAY DECEMBER 23

$10 ADVANCE

AN EVENING OF SOULFUL R&B AND ELECTROPOP

REVA

DEVITO

+TIMMY STRAW

THURSDAY DECEMBER 27

$12 ADVANCE

A PRE-NYE EVENING WITH THE “GREATEST ROCK N’ ROLL BAND IN THE WORLD.”

SUPERSUCKERS

+NATASHA KMETO

FRIDAY DECEMBER 28

$8 ADVANCE

A SPECIAL EVENING WITH PDX’S REIGNING BEST NEW BAND

SATURDAY DECEMBER 29

2

$12 ADVANCE

THE RETURN OF THE POST-NYE REBOOT WITH

RADIATION CASEY NEILL

CITY

+ANCIENT HEAT

SUNDAY DECEMBER 30

$10 ADVANCE

+ THE MINUS FIVE MONDAY DECEMBER 31 •

$22 ADVANCE

& THE NORWAY RATS

SASSPARILLA

SATURDAY JANUARY 5

+MCDOUGALL

$12 ADVANCE

Augustana (acoustic) 1/8 Willy Mason 1/27 Night Beds/ Indians 2/25 Thao & The Get Down Stay Down 3/5 Veronica Falls 3/23 Jamie Lidell 3/30 All of these shows on sale at Ticketfly.com

AUGUSTANA (ACOUSTIC) 1/8 • CROWN POINT 1/11 • CHELSEA WOLFE 1/13 • TWO GALLANTS 1/19 • NIKI & THE DOVE 1/24 KRIS ORLOWSKI 1/25 • TRISTAN PRETTYMAN 1/26 • WILLY MASON 1/27 • BUILT TO SPILL 1/31 & 2/1 • EMELI SANDE 2/2 ADVANCE TICKETS AT TICKETFLY - www.tickfly.com and at JACKPOT RECORDS • SUBJECT TO SERVICE CHARGE &/OR USER FEE ALL SHOWS: 8PM DOORS / 9PM SHOW • 21+ UNLESS NOTED • BOX OFFICE OPENS 1/2 HOUR BEFORE DOORS • ROOM PACKAGES AVAILABLE AT www.jupiterhotel.com

32 portlandmercury.com December 12th, 2012

Music

& henry at War saturday deceMber 15 Mississippi studios

This

3939 N Mississippi Ave · portlANd, or 8:30pM show · 21 & over tickets At sAfewAy/ticketswest locAtioNs chArge By phoNe 503-224-tiXX

sat

THE MOUNTAIN GOATS Aladdin Theater, 12/16

Live Music

LISTINGS

★DOUG FIR—The Dandy Warhols, Souvenir Driver, DJ Bar Hopper, 5 pm, $15; The Dandy Warhols, Adrian H & The Wounds, DJ Bar Hopper, 9 pm, $25 EAT: AN OYSTER BAR—Reggie Houston’s Box of Chocolates, 11 am EDGEFIELD—Billy D, 5 pm, free ELLA STREET SOCIAL CLUB—Strangled Darlings, Jack O’ the Clock, Grex, 9 pm, $5 FIRKIN TAVERN—Open Mic, 8 pm, free FIRST BAPTIST CHURCH—Handel’s Messiah: Portland Baroque Orchestra, 4 pm, $26-69 FIRST UNITARIAN CHURCH—Ceremony of Carols: Choral Arts Ensemble of Portland, 3 pm, $12-18, all ages FORD FOOD & DRINK—Tim Roth, noon, free, all ages HAWTHORNE THEATRE—Corb Lund, Turnpike Troubadours, 7 pm, $15 JADE LOUNGE—Alexa Wiley, 7 pm KELLS—Irish Session, 6 pm; Pat Buckley, 9 pm LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—Freak Mountain Ramblers, 6 pm; Dan Haley, Tim Acott, 9:30 pm, free LV’S—Blues, Brews & BBQ, 6 pm MIGRATION BREWING—Whistlepig, 7 pm MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB—Jazz Guitar Student Recital: Dan Duval, 6 pm; The Struts, The Keplers, 9 pm MISSISSIPPI STUDIOS—El Vez, Fur Coats, 9 pm, $13-15 ★ MOON & SIXPENCE—Foghorn Stringband, free MUDDY RUDDER—Irish Music, 4 pm NEWMARK THEATRE—The Most Wonderful Season: Portland Gay Men’s Chorus, 3 pm, $17 O’CONNORS VAULT—Rich Gillete, Mike West, Peter Yeates, 3 pm, $5; Country Side of Sunday, 7:30 pm, $5 THE OLD CHURCH—Christmas at the Old Church, 5 pm, all ages RED & BLACK CAFE—Body Betrayal, Disparate, 7 pm RED ROOM—God Bless America, 9 pm, free ROCK BOTTOM BREWERY—Dojo Toolkit, 9 pm ★ RONTOMS—Sons of Huns, Gaytheist, 9 pm, free ★ ROSELAND—Blind Pilot, Allen Stone, JD McPherson, 7 pm, $25-45 SLABTOWN—Piss Test, Wormbag, Putts, 8 pm, free, all ages SOMEDAY LOUNGE—Hive: DJ Brian Backlash, DJ Skully, DJ Waisted, 9 pm, free THE SPARE ROOM—Angel Bouchet Band, 8 pm, free STAR BAR—Chemicals, Freedom Club, Lunge, DJ Jonny Cat, 8 pm, free TWIN PARADOX CAFE—Sore Finger Jam, 2:30 pm VIE DE BOHEME—Arthur Moore’s Harmonica Party, 6 pm THE WAYPOST—Castle Spins, The Spirits WHITE EAGLE—Satori Bob, Dave Lindenbaum, 7 pm, free

MONDAY 12/17 ANDINA—Pete Krebs, 7 pm ★ BACKSPACE—Perry Robinson, Tim Duroche, Andre St. James, 9 pm, all ages BLUE DIAMOND—Sumo, 9 pm DANTE’S—Karaoke from Hell, 10 pm DUFF’S GARAGE—Free Will, 6 pm, $2 EDGEFIELD—Skip vonKuske, Will West, 7 pm, free GOODFOOT—Sonic Forum Open Mic, 8 pm, $1 ISLAND MANA WINES—David & Goliath, 4 pm JIMMY MAK’S—Dan Balmer, 8 pm, free

DL ANDERSON

LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—Portland Country Underground, 6 pm, free; Kung Pao Chickens, 9 pm, free LOLA’S ROOM—Water Tower, 7 pm, free, all ages MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB—Mr. Ben, 5 pm, all ages MUDDY RUDDER—Lloyd Jones, 8 pm THE OLD CHURCH—Christmas at the Old Church, 7:30 pm, all ages PUB AT THE END OF THE UNIVERSE—Open Mic, 8 pm, free QUIMBY’S AT 19TH—Soul Mates, 7 pm ★ RECORD ROOM—Man Forever, Neal Morgan, Virgin Blood, 8 pm, $5 ROCK BOTTOM BREWERY—Mt. Air Studios, 10 pm THE SECRET SOCIETY—The Carlton Jackson Dave Mills Big Band, 7:30 pm TIGER BAR—AC Lov Ring, 9 pm WHITE EAGLE—Sidestreet Reny, 8:30 pm, free

TUESDAY 12/18 ALADDIN THEATER—Pentatonix, 8 pm, $20, all ages ALBERTA ROSE THEATRE—Justin Klump, Samsel & the Skirt, 7:30 pm, $10-12 ANDINA—Neftali Rivera, 7 pm ASH STREET SALOON—Solid Gold Balls, Drawing Flies, Young Splendor, 9:15 pm, $4 BLUE DIAMOND—La Rhonda Steele, 9 pm BLUE MONK—Pagan Jug Band, 6:30 pm, free ★ BUNK BAR—Vice Device, Stay Calm, 9 pm, $3 CAMELLIA LOUNGE—Rebecca Kilgore, Randy Porter, Tom Wakeling, David Evans, 8 pm, $21 DANTE’S—Wayne Hancock, 9 pm, $12 DUFF’S GARAGE—Trio Bravo, 6 pm, $2; Dover Weinberg Quartet, 9 pm, $2 EAST END—She Preaches Mayhem, The Restitution, 9 pm ★ EDGEFIELD—Caleb Klauder, Reeb Willms, 7 pm, free THE ELIXIR LAB—Johnny D’s Community Jam, 7 pm GOODFOOT—The True Spokes, 9 pm, free HAWTHORNE THEATRE LOUNGE—That Much Further West Radio, 4 pm, free; David Lane, 6 pm, free ★ HOLOCENE—The Soft Moon, Group Rhoda, We Are Like the Spider, 8:30 pm, $8 THE HUTCH—Open Mic, 8 pm, free IVORIES—Jazz Jam: Carey Campbell, Hank Hirsh Trio, 7:30 pm JADE LOUNGE—Siren Sessions: Margaret Wehr, 7 pm JIMMY MAK’S—Tony Glausi Trio, 6:30 pm, $3 ★ THE KNOW—Rocknho, Judas H. Priest, 8 pm ★ LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—Jackstraw, 6 pm, free; Aquadeer, Ben Schwab, 9 pm, free LV’S—Ron Steen’s Jazz Jam, 8:30 pm MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB—McDougall, 6 pm MT. TABOR THEATER—Open Mic Night: Simon Tucker, 8 pm, free O’CONNORS VAULT—Linda Lee Michelet, 7 pm, $5 THE OLD CHURCH—Christmas at the Old Church, 7:30 pm, all ages ROCK BOTTOM BREWERY—Brothers ’n’ Laws, 9 pm ★ ROTTURE—Kommandant, Sanguis Imperem, Weregoat, Cemetery Lust, 9 pm, $8 SHAKER AND VINE—Arthur Moore, 7 pm, free SLIM’S—Open Mic, 9 pm, free TASTE ON 23RD—Brandstson Duo, 6:30 pm, free THIRSTY LION—Eric John Kaiser, 9 pm TONY STARLIGHT’S—Tony Starlight Christmas Extravaganza, 7:30 pm, $18 TWILIGHT CAFE & BAR—Open Mic Night: The Roaming, 8 pm VALENTINE’S—Half Shadow, Generifus, Little Volcano, 9 pm, $3 VINO VIXENS—Arthur Moore’s Harmonica Party, 6 pm THE WAYPOST—Inspirational Beets, 8 pm WHITE EAGLE—Waking Voices: Justin Jude, Amaya Villazan, Patti King, Deirdre Atkinson, 8:30 pm, free WILF’S—Frost Bite Follies, 7 pm, $15

Randy Rogers Band and Wade Bowen thursday january 17 Mississippi studios

3939 N Mississippi Ave · portlANd, or 8:00pM show · 21 ANd over tickets At sAfewAy/ticketswest locAtioNs chArge By phoNe 503-224-tiXX

Wednesday january 23 neWMark theatre 1111 sw BroAdwAy · portlANd, or 5:30pM doors · All Ages tickets At sAfewAy/ticketswest chArge By phoNe 503-224-tiXX

“the gentle giant”

saturday february 16 crystal ballrooM

1332 w BurNside st · portlANd, or · 8:00pM show · All Ages tickets At cAscAde tickets · chArge By phoNe 855-cAs-tiXX X2 tickets Also AvAilABle At the crystAl BAllrooM BoX office

tuesday april 23 elsinore theater

170 high st se · sAleM, or · 7:30pM show · All Ages tickets At sAfewAy/ticketswest chArge By phoNe 503-224-tiXX

the NeXt Best thiNg to JohNNy cAsh

sunday March 3 theater of the clouds at the rose Garden oNe ceNter court · portlANd, or eArly 2:00pM show · lAte 5:00pM show tickets At rose QuArter BoX office, oNliNe At roseQuArter.coM, At pArticipAtiNg sAfewAy/ticketswest locAtioNs, ANd By phoNe At 877.789.rose (7673)

squarepegconcerts.com

friday May 3 Mississippi studios

3939 N Mississippi Ave · portlANd, or 8:00pM show · 21 ANd over tickets At sAfewAy/ticketswest locAtioNs chArge By phoNe 503-224-tiXX

December 12th, 2012 portlandmercury.com 33

BEST OF 2012 SUBPOP RELEASES

BEACH HOUSE "Bloom"

KING TUFF "King Tuff"

Their 4th LP is an ethereal dream pop masterpiece. CD $11.95 sale • 2 x LP $17.95 sale

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METZ "Metz"

Kaleidoscopic release from former Fleet Foxes member. CD $11.95 • LP $15.95

Ferocious noise punk peppered with subtle hooks. CD $11.95 • LP $14.95

SAT 12/15 -JUJUBA featuring Nojeem Lasisi FRI 12/14 - DJ AQUAMAN’S SOUL STEW THURS 12/13 - PAA KOW’S BY ALL MEANS BAND WED - 12/12 - SHAFTY: PHISH TRIBUTE MON - SONIC FORUM - OPEN MIC TUES 12/18 - FREE!!! -THE TRUE SPOKES

WED 12/19- SHAFTY: A PHISH TRIBUTE THURS 12/20 - INDUSTRIAL REVELATION, JENI WREN BAND FRI 12/21 - DJ AQUAMAN’S SOUL STEW SAT 12/22- THE WAYDOWNS, EROTIC CITY (prince tribute)

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CELEBRATING 15 YEARS AS PORTLAND’S FINEST INDEPENDENT MUSIC STORES

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2845 SE STARK * WWW.THEGOODFOOT.COM * 503.239.9292

Music

DJ LISTINGS WEDNESDAY 12/12

★ BEECH ST. PARLOR—Liz Harris CC SLAUGHTERS—Trick: DJ Robb, 9 pm, free DIG A PONY—Pretty Ugly, 9 pm THE EMBERS AVENUE—Gothic Industrial: DJ Jens, 9 pm FIRKIN TAVERN—VJ Norto, 9 pm ★ HOLOCENE—Astral Bodies: Sex Life DJs, 7 pm, $5 JONES—Spin Sugar: Doc Adam, 10 pm, $5 LADD’S INN—DJ Kutthroat, 9:30 pm, free THE LOVECRAFT—DJ BoyThinG, 9 pm MOLOKO PLUS—King Tim 33.3, Discus Noir, 10 pm, free THE REFECTORY—Wednesday Eastside Karaoke: KJ RC, 8 pm SAUCEBOX—DJ Nealie Neal STAR BAR—DJ Danny Dodge, 10 pm TIGA—Bill Portland TIGER BAR—Juicy Wednesdays: DJ Detroit Diezel, 9 pm, $2 TUBE—DJ Smooth Hopperator, 10 pm

THURSDAY 12/13 BEECH ST. PARLOR—La Jefa CC SLAUGHTERS—Hiphop Heaven: DJ Alex Hollywood, 9 pm, free CROWN ROOM—Counter Culture, 10 pm, free DIG A PONY—Marti, 9 pm THE EMBERS AVENUE—Request Night: DJ Jens FEZ—Shadowplay: DJ Horrid, DJ Ghoulunatic, DJ Paradox, 9 pm, free GROUND KONTROL—TRONix: Maximum Electronica: DJ 808, 9 pm ★ HOLOCENE—I’ve Got a Hole in my Soul: DJ Beyondadoubt, DJ Primo, $5, 9 pm JONES—New Jack Swing: Doc Adam, 10 pm, $5 THE LOVECRAFT—DJ Acid Rick, 9 pm LUCKY DEVIL—DJ Panty Droppa, free MOLOKO PLUS—King Tim 33.3, Discus Noir, 10 pm, free NICK’S FAMOUS CONEY ISLAND—Eye Candy: VJ Norto, The Phantom Hillbilly, 9 pm, free SANTA FE TAQUERIA—Salsa Social SOS: DJ Armando, 9 pm SAUCEBOX—Evan Alexander SOMEDAY LOUNGE—Happy Hour: Mr. Romo, DJ Michael Grimes, 4 pm STAR BAR—DJ Jake Cheeto, 10 pm TIGA—DJ Syd Rock TUBE—Big Trouble in Little Chinatown: DJ Zimmie, Dev From Above, 7 pm VAULT—Jams: DJ 60/40 THE WAYPOST—DJ Walz, Patient, 7 pm

FRIDAY 12/14 BEECH ST. PARLOR—Champagne Jam BLITZ 21—DJ Sovern-T, 9 pm, free BLUE DIAMOND—Tasha’s DJ Party, 9 pm CC SLAUGHTERS—Filthy Fridays: DJ Robb, 9 pm, free THE CONQUISTADOR—DJ Drew Groove CROWN ROOM—UZ, Most Custom, Gang $ign$, 10 pm, $10 CRYSTAL BALLROOM—’80s Video Dance Attack: VJ Kittyrox, 8 pm, $6 ★ DEVILS POINT—DJ Kenoy, 9 pm, free DIG A PONY—Hostile Tapeover, 10 pm ★ EAGLES LODGE—In the Cooky Jar: DJ Cooky Parker, 9 pm ELEMENT—Chris Alice, 9 pm THE EMBERS AVENUE—On the Avenue: DJ Jens, 9 pm GROOVE SUITE—Cock Block: J. Phlip, The Perfect Cyn, Miss Vixen, 10 pm, $10 GROUND KONTROL—Super Cardigan Brothers, 9 pm, $2 ★ HOLOCENE—Snap! ’90s Dance Party: Doc Adam, Colin Jones, DJ Freaky Outty, 9 pm, $3 JONES—Back to the Future Fridays: DJ Zimmie, 8 pm, $5 LOLA’S ROOM—’80s Video Dance Attack: VJ Kittyrox, 8 pm, $6 THE LOVECRAFT—Skullfuck: DJ Horrid, 11 pm LUCKY DEVIL—DJ Joe, free MATADOR—Infamous: DJ Rattooth, DJ Makeout, 10 pm, free MOTHERS VELVET LOUNGE CAFE—Mr. Mumu ★ ROTTURE—Live and Direct: Rev Shines, Slimkid3, DJ Nature, 9 pm, $5 STAR BAR—Blank Fridays: DJ Paultimore, 10 pm TIGA—DJ Charles Berlitz, DJ Dew TRIPLE NICKEL—DJ Stockholmz, 9:30 pm TUBE—Heavy Hitters: Ante Up, 10 pm VALENTINE’S—DJ Action Slacks, DJ Wild Man James, 9 pm VIE DE BOHEME—DJ Abdul, 10 pm

THE WHISKEY BAR—Recess: Ill Esha, Chris B, Chase Manhattan, Infinite Split, 10 pm, $13

SATURDAY 12/15 AURA—Twice as Nice: DJ TJ, A Train, Tandem, 10 pm, $10 BEECH ST. PARLOR—Lord Smithingham BLUE MONK—DJ OG-1, 9 pm CC SLAUGHTERS—House of Hollywood: DJ Alex Hollywood, 9 pm, free CRUZROOM—DJ Edgar Hoover DEVILS POINT—DJ Brooks, 9 pm, free DIG A PONY—Mikee Lixxx, DJ Dirty Red, 10 pm EAGLE PORTLAND—Nutts to Butts: Ill Camino, Moisti, 10 pm, $3 THE EMBERS AVENUE—Portland Tonight: DJ Jens, 9 pm FEZ—Twice as Nice: DJ TJ, A Train, Tandem, 10 pm, $10 GOLD DUST MERIDIAN—Clap Trap: DJ Gregarious, DJ Disorder, 10 pm, free GREELEY AVE. BAR AND GRILL—Eye Candy: VJ Norto, The Phantom Hillbilly, 9 pm, free ★ GROOVE SUITE—After Dark GROUND KONTROL—DJ I <3 U, DJ Avery, 9 pm, $2 HOLOCENE—Gaycation: DJ Snowtiger, Mr. Charming, 9 pm, $3 JACK LONDON BAR AT THE RIALTO—DJ Kryptic, 9 pm JONES—Inferno Holiday Party: DJ WildFire, 6 pm, $8; ’80s & ’90s Dance Music, 10 pm, $5 THE LOVECRAFT—DJ Bar Hopper, 10 pm LUCKY DEVIL—DJ Kenoy, free MOLOKO PLUS—King Tim 33.3, Discus Noir, 10 pm, free MOTHERS VELVET LOUNGE CAFE—Mr. Mumu MT. TABOR THEATER—Dementia: Darkness on the Dance Floor, 9:30 pm TIGA—Hostile Tapeover TRIPLE NICKEL—DJ Stockholmz, 9:30 pm TUBE—Holla & Oates, 10 pm VALENTINE’S—DJ DK, 9 pm

SUNDAY 12/16 AALTO LOUNGE—Whiskey Bitters, 9 pm, free ALLEYWAY CAFE & BAR—Country Music, 3 pm, free, all ages ★ BEULAHLAND—The Original Eye Candy Video Night: VJ Norto, The Phantom Hillbilly, 9 pm, free CC SLAUGHTERS—Superstar Divas, DJ Robb, 8 pm, free CRUSH—DJ Mikey, 10 am-2 pm DEVILS POINT—Stripparaoke: KJ Zero, 9 pm, free DIG A PONY—DJ Bad Wizard, 9 pm THE EMBERS AVENUE—Noches Latinas: DJ Marco, 9 pm GOLD DUST MERIDIAN—DJ Danny Dodge, 10 pm, free ★ GROUND KONTROL—E*Rock, Dual Mode, Alex Boyce, 9 pm, free ★ HOLOCENE—Until the Music Stops Holiday Party: Optimo DJs, Nathan Detroit, 9 pm, free w/RSVP THE LOVECRAFT—DJ Deathcrush, 10 pm LUCKY DEVIL—Ladies Night: DJ Mani, free ROTTURE—Ronin Roc, DJ Freaky Outty, 9 pm, $5

MONDAY 12/17 BEECH ST. PARLOR—DJ Doug Ferious BLUE MONK—Deep Cuts, 8 pm DIG A PONY—DJ Tre Slim, 9 pm GROUND KONTROL—Service Industrial: DJ Tibin, 9 pm KELLY’S OLYMPIAN—Eye Candy: VJ Norto, Phantom Hillbilly, 8 pm, free THE KNOW—Montgomery Word, 8 pm MATADOR—I Don’t Like Mondays: DJ Rhienna, DJF, 10 pm, free O’MALLEY’S SALOON & GRILL—Heavy Metal Monday: Bozyk, 9 pm STAR BAR—Metal Mondays: DJ Blackhawk, 10 pm, free TIGA—DJ Rickshaw

TUESDAY 12/18 BEECH ST. PARLOR—DJ One Crate, DJ Night Comfort CC SLAUGHTERS—DJ Robb, 9 pm, free CROWN ROOM—See You Next Tuesday: Kellan, DJ Avery, 9 pm, free ★ DEVILS POINT—DJ Kenoy, 9 pm, free DIG A PONY—Sweet Jimmy T, 9 pm THE EMBERS AVENUE—Recycle: DJ Tibin, 9 pm, free GROUND KONTROL—Rock Band Tuesdays: MC T. Wrecks, 9 pm, free THE LOVECRAFT—Death Club: DJ Entropy, 10 pm MATADOR—DJ Donny Don’t, 10 pm, free THE SPARE ROOM—DJ Doc Rock, 9 pm, free STAR BAR—DJ Smooth Hopperator, 10 pm, free ★ SWIFT LOUNGE—Boogie Tuesday: Maxx Bass, Gwizski, Mikie Lixx TIGA—Todos Santos TUBE—Tubesday, 10 pm

December 12th, 2012 portlandmercury.com 35

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36 portlandmercury.com December 12th, 2012

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OUR PICKS OF THE WEEK

Holiday Shop with Local Small Presses by Alison Hallett Studio’s annual Publication Fair. There’s something here for every taste: relative heavyweights like publisher Tin House, retailers like Ampersand and Nationale, and a range of small publishers including the handmade offerings of Bedouin Books and the art-minded press Container Corps. The Cleaners, 403 SW 10th, Sun Dec 16, noon-6 pm

A

LL OVER THE CITY, there’s a persistent jingle: It’s the sound of Portland’s artist types putting their renowned creativity to work shaking down shoppers for holiday change. Bookstores and publishers aren’t about to miss out on the action—here’s a quick guide to some of the city’s book-minded fairs and sales. Publication Fair—If you’re looking for a one-stop sampling of Portland’s vibrant small-press community, you won’t do much better than Publication

BOOK REVIEW

Homespun marks the last one in their current location, as their building’s landlord is remodeling and eliminating Reading Frenzy’s space. They’re moving out on March 1. (Proprietor Chloe Eudaly is currently searching for a new location.) Reading Frenzy, 921 SW Oak, show runs through Dec 31

Oregon Humanities Holiday Event—Oregon Humanities rounds up a handful of locals for this author-focused event, including Dan DeWeese, Brian Doyle, and the Mercury’s own Sarah Mirk— her Oregon History Comics box set is kind of a no-brainer Christmas present, right? The Cleaners, 403 SW 10th, Tues Dec 18, 4:30-7 pm, $5 suggested donation

Bridge City Stocking Stuffer—Bridge City Comics and Top Shelf Productions team up to offer some deep discounts on comics released by Top Shelf, and publisher Brett Warnock will be on hand to provide personalized recommendations from a catalog that includes the kid-favorite Owly, Jeff Lemire’s spooky The Underwater Welder, and James Kochalka’s autobiographical American Elf collections. Plus: free beer! Bridge City Comics, 3725 N Mississippi, Fri Dec 14, 6-9 pm

Reading Frenzy’s Homespun—Reading Frenzy re-imagines their annual Cheap Art Show as Homespun, an art show and sale focusing on handmade and small-batch crafts including toys, prints, accessories, and more—all under $50. The beloved small-press emporium has thrown a holiday sale every year for more than 15 years—and

Powell’s Holiday Sale—Powell’s holiday gift guide offers 30 percent off on some of the year’s best titles, including Chris Ware’s Building Stories, David Byrne’s How Music Works, and the year’s most covetable cookbook, Modernist Cuisine at Home, which is a sure bet for any cook in your life. Any Powell’s location or powells.com

Trans Identity Real Man Adventures—Don’t Call It a Memoir by Alison Hallett Cooper’s insistence on his right to self-defini- I am, when people assume I am nothing but what tion—both in his work and in his life—is a recurring they see before them.” motif in Real Man Adventures, which is made up But of course, there’s no guarantee as to how of personal essays, interviews, lists, and even he’ll be seen. Here’s another exchange bea few dream sequences. It’s a cobbledtween Cooper and his wife: together accounting of his life as a “How many minutes do I have to be transman and a man, a husband in a public men’s restroom before and a parent, and it deliberately you start picturing me being raped sidesteps the typical templates of and killed?” memoir. (There’s no troubled child“On average, three,” she replies. by T Cooper hood or rocky road to redemption “Five if I can see the line. Two if we (McSweeneys) here; a chapter titled “High School: A are at a dodgy truck stop.” Six-Word Memoir” simply reads “Had a Real Man Adventures brims with good personality, I’m told.”) ambivalence and frustration, and Cooper’s Cooper lives and (mostly) passes as a man in worry that he “will always be known primarily for the small Southern town where he lives with his the thing [he’d] like not to be known for,” even as family—and the problems with the phrase I just he writes an entire book about it. But Cooper is wrote mirror the issues Cooper explores through- determined to be the author of his own experiout his book. Chiefly: At what point does some- ence (this extends to a willingness to inform the one stop “passing” as a man and simply become reader that certain things are simply none of her one? And who gets to make that call? “I don’t business). The result is a valuable, enlightening sit there through every interaction wondering, document that sidesteps cliché and easy answers WHEN WILL THEY FIND OUT?” Cooper writes. in favor of a bracing account of what it means—for “I am at my best when the world sees me for what Cooper—to be a man in this world.

Real Man Adventures

T

OWARD THE END of Real Man Adventures, T Cooper poses a question to his wife: “Will you still love and respect me if I am ever accidentally referred to as a ‘memoirist?’” Her response is tart: “I love you when you are accidentally referred to as a woman. I think I can handle memoirist.”

VISUAL ART REVIEW

R

Belles and Birds December’s First Thursday by A.L. Adams little hearts! Neuenschwander’s twist on the motif is carefully composed mash-ups of porcelain figures—most notably belles and figurines of black women (think racist artifacts akin to the lawn jockey). These hybrids’ black arms brandish axes and snakes, while the white arms clasp teacups and apples. Heads and torsos are similarly mixed and mismatched. To complete the transformation, Neuenschwander mosaics a broken plate onto each figure’s skirt. Most plate patterns seem merely decorative, but a few seem more politically pointed— particularly a piece of The King and I movie memorabilia glued to an Asian torso. (In the film, a large-skirted white lady explains to her adopted Thai brood that she does, in fact, have human legs like they do. Eye roll.) Oddly, Neuenschwander doesn’t promote her work as controversial, saying in her art-

ist statement that the figurines represent “a fresh look at who we are, and who we yearn to be.” But I’d say juxtaposing ornate white ladies with oversimplified black ones seems like a formula for controversy, and makes viewing the exhibit a lot more interesting. When I hit Augen Gallery (716 NW Davis), my first thought was, “Somebody had better tweet Portlandia fans!” One of Portland’s most longstanding BirdPutters, Trish Grantham is now undoubtedly groaning her way to the bank every time that bit is mentioned. Her latest menagerie of cute indie animals on newsprint decoupage wood panels includes not just birds, but also deer! Whales! Any other creature your roommate’s last band was named after! Though Grantham’s cartoonish fauna are as precious as ever, like most Portland residents, I’ve had enough exposure to this particuRONNA NEUENSCHWANDER

EMEMBER LAST WEEK? When it was First Thursday? It was raining. Yet with a mingled sense of anticipation and obligation, I still coated up and caught the bus downtown. “After all,” thought I, “If I don’t get out and look at this art, who will?” Since it’s closest to my bus stop (and it happens to have pretty great art for a sneaker store), I started my First Thursday excursion at Compound Gallery (107 NW 5th), climbing their narrow stairs to take in their End of the World group show. I’d only begun to absorb a surreal, evocative ink drawing of a lady with a house jutting out of her frontal lobe (by Pat Perry) when the Law caught up with me: “The gallery doesn’t open ’til 7 pm,” said the terse Compound staffer who’d followed me through the curtain. My humblest apologies, gentleman, and please relay to your sneaker store’s docents and trustees that I meant no offense. Moving on... Up the road at Froelick Gallery (714 NW Davis), Ronna Neuenschwander’s composite figurines (unwittingly?) riff on a motif that we’ve been seeing a lot lately: Southern belles. Last spotted at Reed’s Cooley Gallery in Kara Walker’s works, where they swooned under clouds of “the vapors” and fellated sexy slaves when the master wasn’t looking, Southern belles seem overripe for satire—colonial coquettes fluffing their ruffles and shirking the blame for slavery. Bless their bosomy

PULP ART BOOK

ARTIST TALK AND BOOK SIGNING NEIL KRUG • AMPERSAND 2916 NE ALBERTA • OPENS DEC 15 7:30 PM Clouds—A release for Ben Young and Gary Robbins’s art book based on the International Cloud Atlas, the first known taxonomy of clouds. PICA, 415 SW 10th, #300, Sat Dec 15, 6 pm, pica.org Mike Mignola—A signing and gallery exhibition featuring the works of Mike Mignola, creator of Hellboy. Things from Another World, 2916 NE Broadway, Sat Dec 15, 7-10 pm, tfaw.com Gary Gulman—Gulman is one of the hardestworking comedians in the country, having killed at least once on basically every stage with a spotlight and a microphone. Helium Comedy Club, 1510 SE 9th, Wed Dec 12-Thurs Dec 13, 8 pm, Fri Dec 14-Sat Dec 15, 7:30 & 10 pm, $10-25 Live Wire! Holiday Show—It’s like a regular episode of Portland’s homegrown radio variety show, except with more cranberry sauce. More sauce in general, really, as New Deal is stocking a full bar for the occasion. Featuring guests Stephen Tobolowsky, Daniel Handler, and music by AgesandAges, Luz Elena Mendoza, and the Doubleclicks. Alberta Rose Theatre, 3000 NE Alberta, Sat Dec 15, 7:30 pm, $25-40, all ages People Should Not Be Afraid of Their Children—Jewish Theatre Collaborative presents staged readings of holiday stories from writers Etgar Keret and Grace Paley. Theater! Theatre!, 3430 SE Belmont, Mon Dec 17-Tues Dec 18, 7:30 pm, $10-15, jewishtheatrecollaborative.org

PORTLANDMERCURY.COM HAS A COMPLETE CALENDAR OF ARTS EVENTS

lar strain of avian art-flu to become immune. After a couple hours at First Thursday, I was officially tired of pictures of things. Following an eyeful of cheeky forest critters, an orgiastic group show of butts (Cock Gallery at Everett Street Lofts), and a tear-jerking display of Afghan war photojournalism (Blue Sky), I sought relief in color-study abstraction. David Price’s New Encaustic Paintings (Butters Gallery, 520 NW Davis) pair two muted hues per canvas, which Price divides with a smoky gray horizon, implying landscape just enough to evoke the pleasant feeling of gazing at a placid lake from a rented houseboat after having misplaced your contacts. Deep... sigh... of resigned... contentment. Meanwhile, at Charles A. Hartman (134 NW 8th), Hayley Barker’s The Prismatic Sun emanates bright, spackly daubs from a single center-point. Where Price’s pieces are subtle, Barker’s are bold—and yet the two share a trait that makes them way more engaging than, say, Molly Vidor’s monochromatic “Piece by Piece” at PDX Contemporary Art (a faux Rothko that attempts to scream “Red!” as if it’s never been said before). Both Price and Barker are borrowing a vitalizing trick from realism: the implication of a light source, which lends an internal glow and makes their work not only viewable, but also bask-able. Soak it up, ’cause we’re in for a long, dreary December.

December 12th, 2012 portlandmercury.com 37

  

  

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Arts

A release party for We Were Warriors, the first poetry collection from the Portland poet. Slabtown, 1033 NW 16th, 223-0099, 7 pm

SATURDAY 12/15

The Unscriptables have taken one of the most beloved novelties of childhood, thrown it up on a stage, turned over the decision making to the audience, and now are presenting a special merry-making edition for the holidays. Funhouse Lounge, 2432 SE 11th, 309-3723, Sat Dec 15, 8 pm

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CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE, THE MUSICAL: THE CHRISTMAS EPISODE

DOWN TO FUNNY Katie Brien hosts a night of stand-up featuring Ian Karmel, Alex Gavlick, Bryce Jones, Andrew Michaan, and Leah Mansfield. East Burn, 1800 E Burnside, 236-2876, Mon Dec 17, 8 pm

Northwest Classical Theatre Company presents George Bernard Shawâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s frantic satire about a social-climbing young woman and a professional soldier. Shoe Box Theater, 2110 SE 10th, 971-244-3740, opens Dec 14, runs Thurs-Sat 7:30 pm, Sun 2 pm, through Jan 20, $18-20

NEAL BRENNAN

POSADA MILAGRO

See My, What a Busy Week, pg. 17. Action/Adventure Theater, 1050 SE Clinton, Fri Dec 14-Sat Dec 15, 8 pm, $10-15

A Christmas celebration reflecting on the journey of Mary and Joseph in their search for refuge. Miracle Theatre, 525 SE Stark, 236-7253, Sun Dec 16, 2 & 4 pm

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BIG-ASS SANDWICHES WINTER FORMAL See My, What a Busy Week, pg. 17. Danteâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s, 1 SW 3rd, 226-6630, Fri Dec 14, 9 pm, $10

ARMS AND THE MAN

NW

Comedy troupe the 3rd Floorâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s After School Girlfight! Kill! Kill! is hilarious and enjoyable through and through, marked with energetic character acting and deft parody. JACOB SCHRAER Miracle Theatre (Teatro Milagro), 525 SE Stark, 236-7253, Thurs-Sat 8 pm, through Dec 22, $15-17

A party celebrating the release of The Cartoon Utopia, about a society in the future attempting to send messages outside the confines of time as it is currently understood. Floating World Comics, 400 NW Couch, 241-0227, 5 pm

THEATER

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Fun

AFTER SCHOOL GIRLFIGHT! KILL! KILL!

JOHNNY NO BUENOâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S END OF THE WORLD BOOK RELEASE PARTY

A release party for Pulp Art Book: Volume Two, with Harbeck and Krug sharing a slideshow of their photographs and discussing their collaboration. Ampersand Vintage, 2916 NE Alberta, 805-5458, 7:30 pm

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TV

WEDNESDAY 12/12

NEIL KRUG & JONI HARBECK

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COMEDY/IMPROV

RON REGE JR.

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Film

READINGS

FRIDAY 12/14

D RTLAN O P AL GIN Y STYLE I R O ENCH FR

Food

Arts Calendar

    

Picks

Oregon Repertory Theater presents the story of Christmas as it is celebrated in Tuna, Texas, population 22. Winningstad Theatre, 1111 SW Broadway, Dec 13-23, 7:30 pm, Sun Dec 16, 2 pm, Sat Dec 22, 2 pm and Sun Dec 23, 2 pm, $20-42.50

A BRIGHT ROOM CALLED DAY Portland Actors Conservatory presents Tony Kushnerâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s political drama, set in 1930s Berlin, following a group of artists and activists concerned about the rise of Hitler. Portland Actorâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Conservatory, 1436 SW Montgomery, Thurs-Sat 7:30 pm, Sun 2 pm, through Dec 29, $10-25

ITâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S A WONDERFUL LIFE Stumptown Stages presents their original musical adaptation of the holiday classic about a frustrated man realizing his life isnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t so bad. Brunish Hall, 1111 SW Broadway, Thurs-Sat 7:30 pm, Sun 2 pm, through Dec 23, $35.25

KING HEDLEY II August Wilsonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s story of a Pittsburgh man struggling to reconcile with the past while improving the present in his troubled community. Portland Playhouse, 602 NE Prescott, 488-5822, Thurs-Sat 7:30 pm, Sat-Sun 2 pm, through Dec 30, $23-32

SHERLOCK HOLMES AND THE CASE OF THE CHRISTMAS CAROL Artists Rep remounts last yearâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s successful play, essentially a mashup of Sir Arthur Conan Doyleâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s classic character and Charles Dickensâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; classic Christmas tale. Artists Repertory Theatre, 1515 SW Morrison, 241-1278, Wed-Sat 7:30 pm, Sun 2 pm, through Dec 30, $25-50

A VERY JOAN CRAWFORD CHRISTMAS Triangle Productions brings a new holiday tradition to Portland, one with no wire hangers: Joan Crawford and her loyal housekeeper Mamacita educate the viewers on how to make it through the holidays. The Sanctuary at Sandy Plaza, 1785 NE Sandy, Thurs-Sat 7:30 pm, Sun 2 pm, through Dec 23, $15-35

ZOOZOO Imago Theatre brings to life the fascinating adventures of your everyday housecat, who apparently doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t just lay around and lick itself for hours on end. Imago Theatre, 17 SE 8th, 231-9581, dates and showtimes vary, $16-31, imagotheatre.com

DANCE GEORGE BALANCHINEâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S THE NUTCRACKER A Portland dance tradition, bringing to life snowflakes, toy soldiers, rat armies, and sugarplum fairies. Keller Auditorium, 222 SW Clay, 248-4335, Fri-Sun 7:30 pm, Sun 2 pm, through Dec 23, $23-140

See My, What a Busy Week, pg. 17. Hollywood Theatre, 4122 NE Sandy, 281-4215, Sat Dec 15, 7:30 pm, $12

A VERY SPECIAL ACTION/ADVENTURE HOLIDAY THING

VISUAL ART THE NEW BROW OF PORTLAND The third annual exhibit of 50 Portland artists, showcasing works that exist outside traditional â&#x20AC;&#x153;fine artâ&#x20AC;? categories. Portland Center for the Performing Arts, 1111 SW Broadway, 248-4335, through Dec 31

BIG 300 An exhibit featuring more than 300 artists, each creating 10 works on 8x8 wood. Proceeds go to Oregon Food Bank. Peopleâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Art of Portland at Pioneer Square Mall, 700 SW 5th, Suite 4005, through Jan 13

DECEMBERFEST A gallery show and gift shop featuring one-of-a-kind works and gifts created by members of the Milepost 5 community, all priced within the $1-30 range. Milepost 5, 900 NE 81st, 724-6933, through Dec 24

THE FIGHTING SEASON An exhibition of photographs by Louie Palu, taken between 2006 and 2010, of the conflict in and around Kandahar, Afghanistan. Blue Sky Gallery, 122 NW 8th, 225-0210, through Dec 30

LA DANSE FRANCAISE A photographic ghost story by Theresa Viska, recording the history of the Stockholm Military Academyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s annual winter ball. Blue Sky Gallery, 122 NW 8th, 225-0210, through Dec 30

PEDIGREE, VOLUME 3 An open discussion about art, money, education, and the value of the Master in Fine Arts degree. Place Gallery at Pioneer Place Mall, 700 SW 5th, 3rd floor, Thurs Dec 13, 7 pm

PHOTO FINISH A solo exhibition from Daniel Root, featuring portraits of Portland Meadowsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; jockeys. Stumptown Coffee (Downtown), 128 SW 3rd, 255-6194, through Jan 31

RAYMOND PETTIBON: THE PUNK YEARS, 1976-1986 A selection of works from contemporary artist Raymond Pettibon, best known for his graphic work with Black Flag and SST records. One Grand Gallery, 1000 E Burnside, through Jan 25

SMALL WONDERS Talismanâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s annual show of smaller works all 12 inches or smaller, all priced at $100 or less. Talisman Gallery, 1476 NE Alberta Street, through Dec 30

WHITE PRIDE? PART 1 A group show featuring seven artists exploring the benefits of racial privilege, and the costs attached to capitalizing on that privilege. Place Gallery at Pioneer Place Mall, 700 SW 5th, 3rd floor, Sat Dec 15, 9 pm and Dec 16-Jan 12

For a complete calendar of arts events, see portlandmercury.com 38 portlandmercury.com December 12th, 2012

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by Marjorie Skinner

Astral Bodies

F

OR THE SECOND TIME this month, Portland’s fashion enthusiasts are being treated to a live showcase of lingerie design. Lille Boutique throws this week’s show to benefit Planned Parenthood, featuring Canadian brand and store favorite Fortnight Lingerie. Called Astral Bodies, it features a runway show in addition to an afterparty with tons of raffle prizes and the Sex Life DJs on the decks. Pre-sale tickets have already sold out, but a limited number will be released at the door, and admission to the afterparty is free (and all the beautiful people will still be there). Fortnight designer/founder Christina Remenyi is traveling from her home base in Toronto for the occasion, and took a few minutes to chat with us about the line and her latest collection, which takes its inspiration from Stanley Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey. Astral Bodies, Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison, Wed Dec 12, 9 pm, $5-15, afterparty at 9:30 pm, free.

FORTNIGHT

FORTNIGHT

MERCURY: You seem to have a lot of fun choosing inspirations for your collections. How do you decide where you’re going to take your cues, and how do you figure out how to translate that into lingerie design?

CHRISTINA REMENYI: Our last collection was very soft and romantic. As a contrast, this season for 2013, we used geometric shapes and strong colors to translate a sci-fi theme into lingerie. Gathering inspiration for each collection is probably my favorite part of the design process. It’s a really organic process that I think just comes from loving and being inspired by film, fashion, art, and music. It all starts with a theme from which we gather color ideas. Fabrics are then sourced to further embody a particular look and feel. Fabric plays a crucial role in the design process. Lingerie is very dependent on finding the perfect vehicle to create a garment that is comfortable, supportive, and built to last—yet it also has to be delicate and feminine. Fortnight does some of the best lookbook videos I’ve seen—lighthearted, smart, and beautifully produced. How did that come to play such a big role in the brand identity? Is it something you start thinking about in tandem with the design process?

FORTNIGHT [production] is not an option for Fortnight; we really believe in keeping production more local. Canada has a rich history in garment production, which helps us continue to keep production both in-house and local. What would you say are your major priorities in quality control? Fit, natural materials, sustainability practices?

Your pieces are all made in-house. Do you feel a tension between maintaining a relatively small production volume and growing the reach of the company? What’s your philosophy on maintaining that balance?

Quality control is also a huge part of the production process. There are over 25 steps and components that go into making each bra, which means there are often more than this many points of inspection required before each garment is sent to stores. Some of the most key priorities are making sure elastic tension and stitch tension are all within size tolerances, that each component and step is done to our specifications, and for bras, that all functioning components (straps, hooks, eyes, bar tacks) are secure. I would also mention that wearing the right fit when it comes to undergarments can not only enhance your body, but your wardrobe as well. It’s important to get professionally fitted and ask your fitter what to look for when bra shopping on your own.

Absolutely. We are constantly restructuring to grow our production year by year. Overseas

@MJSkinner800 on Twitter

Ideas for our video concepts usually start flying around after the collection is finished. It’s something we have a lot of fun with. Not only is it a great way to show the product moving on a body, it gives us a chance to shake things up a bit and let people know Fortnight is not your average lingerie brand. You won’t be seeing any models in ill-fitting push-up bras in our videos… there’s enough of that out there!

THIS WEEK ON THE MERCURY ’S FASHION BLOG mod.portlandmercury.com Shopping

FITNESS, GIFT IDEAS, PARTY INSPIRATION, AND GOSSIP!

IT'S LIKE SWEET VALLEY HIGH IN HERE. December 12th, 2012 portlandmercury.com 39

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Shandong www.shandongportland.com

40 portlandmercury.com December 12th, 2012

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Last Supper SOUP SANCTUARY AT THE EDGE OF THE CITY Hanoi Kitchenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Family Values by Chris Onstad

 

 

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CHEYENNE SOPHIA RUTH

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soup, and while itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a great bowl of pho, my HO RESTAURANTS are about as prevaonly minor objection is that the meatballs lent as bus stops here, but pho is just a are a little tough. minor player in Hanoi Kitchenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s lineup. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s The understated and delicate crab patties in a family-run operation: Mom is at the stove, the bun bo gio cua ($7.95), on the other hand, and the daughters run the spacious and imare soft and cut easily with a spoon. This spicy maculate front-of-house. They seem to know rice noodle soup, also loaded with beef and theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re a bit of a secret, and come over a bit braised pork shank, has a gentle but clear heat giddy when they learn itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s your first timeâ&#x20AC;&#x201D; and a richer broth than the others. Hu tieu nam like theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re excited for you. They should be, vang ($8), transparent noodle soup with BBQ because Hanoi Kitchenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s menu, distinguished pork, ground pork, shrimp, crab, squid, liver, by unique dishes, fresh ingredients, fair pricquail egg, and shrimp balls, can be served with ing, and a heartiness that makes it feel like the broth on the side, but when pressed for home cooking, merits them far more a reason to do so, the staff just said buzz than they get. Hanoi some people like it that way. A starter of canh ga chien nuoc Kitchen Bun, the dry vermicelli bowls mam, fried Vietnamese chicken served with the chile, fish sauce, wings in caramelized fish sauce, 7925 NE Glisan and lime juice dressing, are larger will look familiar. Sweet, sticky, 252-1300 and more vibrant than other verand meaty, they donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t have the hanoikitchen.com sions Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve found around the city. Bun heat and surface debris of their hanoi dac biet ($7.95), sliced and charmore famous local counterpart, but broiled lemongrass pork with shrimp, egg at only $7.45 for three full wings (druroll, and ground shrimp patty on a sugar cane mette, flap, tip), itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s great value and flavor. Bi stick, is an excellent meal for one, as fresh and cuon, shredded pork skin spring rolls ($4) are a generous as anything on the menu. less-intense and refreshing starter with a light, We were consistently steered away from salty crunch at the center. the rice dishes, but the com chien ha noi ($7.95), For mains, the staff is likely to steer you fried rice with BBQ pork, Asian sausage, chickto their banh cuĂ´n, steamed rice-batter crĂŞpes en, and chopped shrimp, sounded too bounti($6.50-7.50) served with the familiar orange ful and treasure studded to pass up. We should fish sauce, chile, and lime dip. These house have listened. Maybe it was just the uncle specialties are crĂŞpes in a loose sense, and filling in for mom that night, but the chewy, look more like the large chow fun kerchiefs frozen, diced vegetables and uninspired bits of you see at good dim sum parlors. The tenchopped meat made for a ho-hum bachelorâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s der and delicious banh cuĂ´n ha nĂ´i, filled hash, completely out of line with everything with ground pork, chopped shrimp, onions, else weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d experienced. and wood ear mushrooms, then topped with Since they donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t offer alcohol (please, keep fried shallots and toasted ground shrimp, is reading), itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a good time to explore more something I would have ordered every time, healthful beverages. Cam sua ($3.25), orange if practical. juice with condensed milk, is squeezed and Mi hoanh thanh, won ton soup ($8.25), is a vast bowl of dumplings, egg noodles, and mixed to order. In lieu of bothering with the snail soup, I did my requisite Fear Factor shiitake mushrooms, served pho-style with a bit with a durian sinh to ($3.50), a smoothie, dish of sprouts, jalapeĂąo, cilantro, and lime. which, when cold, is tangy and only mildly fraA carpet of finely chopped scallions, chives, and more cilantro steeps in the steaming, grant, like a sweet blue cheese with vanilla and mild citrus. rich broth, creating a beautiful and envelopHanoi Kitchen offers a wide-ranging menu ing aroma of fresh herbs and spices. Handthat showcases fresh meats and vegetables, made won tons in a thick, silky shell seem to generous portions, and strong value. Family run out too quicklyâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;but this is probably for the best given the volume of the dish. Bits of pride and integrity result in Vietnamese food of excellent quality andâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;if a dining room confinely minced pork, fried shallots, and two sistently full of Vietnamese patrons of all ages fat pink tail-on shrimp add a pleasing comis any indicationâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;authenticity. plexity. Pho ha noi, their sole pho offering ($7.75), is another abundant ocean of tradiHanoi Kitchen is open Tues-Thurs tionally spiced broth with handfuls of fresh 10 am-9 pm, Fri-Sat 9 am-9 pm, herbs, rare flank, meatballs, and tripe. The Sun 9 am-8 pm. jewel-red beef cooks quickly in the scalding

Find restaurants, bars, and reader reviews at portlandmercury.com December 12th, 2012 portlandmercury.com 41

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Film

The Tears of the Nerds

Concerning Hobbits and Hamburger Helper by Erik Henriksen turned home all the better for it. That’s Tolkien’s The Hobbit. Peter Jackson’s The Hobbit is something else: Hollow, meandering, and tedious, it covers only the first part of Tolkien’s book, yet somehow The longer than any of Jackson’s Hobbit: An feels excellent Lord of the Rings films. Unexpected Rings pared down a long story to Journey its best parts, but the bloated Hobbit desperately grasps for more. To dir. Peter Jackson stretch The Hobbit into three movOpens Fri Dec 14 ies, Jackson—and co-writers Fran Every Theater Ever Walsh, Philippa Boyens, and Guillermo del Toro—have shoehorned in material from Tolkien’s notes, plus some stuff they invented for shits and giggles. (When George Lucas made the first film in another prequel trilogy, he too realized he had to pack his story with filler. “I know I’m going to need to use Hamburger Helper to get it to two hours,” he said, “but that’s what I want to do.” Welcome THE HOBBIT The movie so nice they made it thrice! to The Hobbit: Hamburger Helper.) N A H O L E in the ground there lived English literature. Compared to the gloomy, Ugh. This review’s a bummer to write. Bea hobbit.” That’s how proto-nerd J.R.R. intricate Rings saga, The Hobbit is a short, fast- fore you nerds anthrax me, know that I was Tolkien began The Hobbit, his charming chil- paced, goofy adventure—the tale of a hobbit, looking forward to this movie as much as dren’s book that inspired The Lord of the Rings, Bilbo Baggins, who lived in a hole, went on a anybody. As much as you, even! Please don’t one of the most extraordinary doorstops of quest, had a surprisingly good time, and re- anthrax me.

“I

Bill Murray Can Do No Wrong

The Hobbit isn’t all sluggish bumbling: Ian McKellen, returning as the wizard Gandalf, is predictably fantastic, and Martin Freeman—who’s famous to the sort of people who watch British TV as The Office’s Tim and Sherlock’s Watson—is as earnest, loveable, and flustered a Bilbo as anyone could hope for. The production design’s top-notch, and the music’s great, aside from an unfortunate musical number in which dwarves merrily sing about washing dishes— Goddammit. I was trying to write about the good parts, but then I remembered another terrible part. That’s The Hobbit in general: Glimpses of how the movie could be good, constantly interrupted by empty digressions that yank the story away from Bilbo and make Tolkien’s vast Middle-earth seem disappointingly small. Awkward cameos from Rings castmembers? Check. Lazy slapstick? Check. A babbling wizard with bird shit on his face who rides around on a sled pulled by friendly rabbits? Who then fights a ghost? Check. A story that wobbles from one setpiece to another until it just sort of… ends? Check. Maybe in the next two films, Jackson’s wearying self-indulgence will pay off—maybe all this Hamburger Helper will magically become a cinematic feast worthy of the proud tables of Rivendell! But even if that happens? Man. It won’t make sitting through this thing any easier.

Get Your Dickens Out A Christmas Carol and Two Others by Ned Lannamann

This Is a Fact. by Paul Constant

L

HYDE PARK ON HUDSON Bill Murray: yay! Laura Linney: boo!

The problem, I’m sad to say, is Laura LinET’S GET THIS STRAIGHT: Bill Murray can do no fucking wrong. His Frank- ney. Or rather, the character Linney plays: lin Delano Roosevelt obviously isn’t the Daisy, FDR’s fifth cousin and longtime lover. so-good-it’s-scary, soul-deep possession of Putting Daisy at the center of the story proves Daniel Day-Lewis’s Abraham Lincoln. It’s not to be a mistake, since her character isn’t filled like you ever forget that he’s Bill Murray. But out at all. She waits for FDR to call, she hangs he’s excellent anyway: He gets the president’s around his mansion being discreetly ignored, playfulness, his condescending, patrician air, and she feels sad when he betrays her. There’s nothing to Daisy beyond her relationship and his inherent inaccessibility, and he with the president; she stands around makes it his own. His performance Hyde looking happy, or sad, and there’s no is a masterful sketch that looks Park on suggestion of a life outside her reeasier than it probably is. Hudson lationship. It’s a shame Murray is stuck dir. Roger Michell Making the viewer’s entry point in the middle of such a pedesOpens Fri Dec 14 into Hyde Park on Hudson a hopeless, trian movie. The soundtrack of Fox Tower 10 pearl-clutching cipher is a terrible Hyde Park on Hudson is embarrassdecision. Especially since the scenes ing, a flouncy orchestral lark that where FDR and the royals do a complicated sounds like it was ripped wholly from a 1960s Disney movie. And while the moment diplomatic dance (the president isn’t obvious in history it portrays—FDR invites the king about whether he wants to get involved in and queen of England to his home as the Nazi a war or not, while the king and queen are threat gets closer to Great Britain in Europe— obviously desperate for help) are funny, broad, is absolutely worthy of a film, this is not the and well acted. Shame about the other 50 minutes of the movie. script it deserves.

J

GREAT EXPECTATIONS Sweet, sensitive Miss Havisham: quite the matchmaker!

1946’s Great Expectations has acquired the disUST IN TIME for Christmas, the NW tinction of a classic, and director David Lean Film Center dusts off the classic 1951 film boils down the lengthy work—one of Dickens’ adaptation of A Christmas Carol, with Alastair shorter novels, actually—to a sensible stoSim as Scrooge. This is perhaps the best-loved ryline. The first part, of Pip’s impoverished screen interpretation of Charles Dickens’ childhood, is equal parts gothic gloom overly familiar tale—at the very least, it’s genuinely funny comedy (combetter than the 2009 motion-capture Happy andplete with talking cows). Once Pip version with Jim Carrey—and 200, comes into his money, the second its appeal comes from a light Charles part of the film seems dipped in comic touch and an emphasis treacle, although Lean is careon Sim’s versatile facial Dickens! ful to show that all of Pip’s frilly expressions. He’s a Scrooge Sun Dec 16-Sun Dec 23 clothes and wealthy friends you love immediately, despite NW Film Center’s still leave him empty. There are his miserliness. The ghostly Whitsell problems with John Mills in the special effects are incredibly Auditorium leading role—namely, that he’s as silly, and Tiny Tim isn’t as tiny or interesting as a bowl of cold gruel—but adorable as one would like (he never the supporting cast is perfect, including Franis). But this Christmas Carol, with its brittle, cis L. Sullivan as the attorney Jaggers, Finlay British comedy and its mild spookiness, never Currie as the convict Magwitch, and Bernard gets too glopped down in Christmas cheer, Miles as the blacksmith Joe Gargery. thank goodness. Rounding out the run is 1947’s Nicholas A Christmas Carol aside, it seems an approNickleby, a relatively rare treatment of the priate time of year for Chuck Dickens in gennovel, screened in a 35mm print on loan from eral, and the Film Center has rounded out the the British Film Institute. week with a couple other screen adaptations.

December 12th, 2012 portlandmercury.com 43

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Email seattle@43kix.com with subject line CIRQUE - PM for entry. The prize pack will include an ROE pass for the film and various promotional items. This film is noT yeT raTed. Please note: Passes received through this promotion do not guarantee you a seat at the theatre. Seating is on a first come, first served basis, except for members of the reviewing press. Theatre is overbooked to ensure a full house. No admittance once screening has begun. All federal, state and local regulations apply. A recipient of tickets assumes any and all risks related to use of ticket, and accepts any restrictions required by ticket provider. Paramount Pictures, Seattle Weekly and their affiliates accept no responsibility or liability in connection with any loss or accident incurred in connection with use of a prize. Tickets cannot be exchanged, transferred or redeemed for cash, in whole or in part. We are not responsible if, for any reason, recipient is unable to use his/her ticket in whole or in part. All federal and local taxes are the responsibility of the winner. Void where prohibited by law. No purchase necessary. Participating sponsors, their employees and family members and their agencies are not eligible. NO PHONE CALLS!

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Visit www.gofobo.com/RSVP and enter code MERCMSGE to download your screening pass. Screening will be held on Wednesday, December 19th at 7PM! THIS FILM IS RATED PG-13. PARENTS STRONGLY CAUTIONED. SOME MATERIAL MAY BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR CHILDREN UNDER 13. Please note: Passes received through this promotion do not guarantee you a seat at the theatre. Seating is on a first come, first served basis, except for members of the reviewing press. Theatre is overbooked to ensure a full house. No admittance once screening has begun. All federal, state and local regulations apply. A recipient of tickets assumes any and all risks related to use of ticket, and accepts any restrictions required by ticket provider. Paramount Pictures, Portland Mercury and their affiliates accept no responsibility or liability in connection with any loss or accident incurred in connection with use of a prize. Tickets cannot be exchanged, transferred or redeemed for cash, in whole or in part. We are not responsible if, for any reason, recipient is unable to use his/her ticket in whole or in part. All federal and local taxes are the responsibility of the winner. Void where prohibited by law. No purchase necessary. Participating sponsors, their employees and family members and their agencies are not eligible. NO PHONE CALLS!

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Bill murray is FranKlin d. rOOsEvElt laura linnEy portland HHHH! A thrill tomercury discover & behold!

tHurSday 12/13 hugely entertAining & funny!

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bill murrAy’s fdr comes Alive.”

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JASON BECKER: NOT DEAD YET “We’ve told you, sir. You are not welcome at Guitar Center .”

★ CELL COUNT Cell Count has a few patchy bits—all you haters will be grumbling about the ending—but it’s nicely shot, staged, acted (it features local favorites John Breen and Sean McGrath), and the practical effects are great. With little money and a lot of atmosphere, Cell Count stages its body horror in a sterile, fluorescent-soaked medical clinic where sufferers of a mysterious disease are given experimental treatments, “the Cure.” But the six patients (and two inmates) soon discover the cure is worse than the disease. With echoes of your favorite John Carpenter and Ridley Scott joints, Cell Count’s got enough viscera and production values to make it a bloody winner. See review of The Weather Outside, next page. COURTNEY FERGUSON Mission Theater.

THE CENTRAL PARK FIVE A new documentary—co-directed by Ken Burns—about five teenagers wrongly convicted of raping a jogger in Central Park in 1989. Living Room Theaters.

A CHRISTMAS STORY It’s the holiday classic that just won’t go away. Laurelhurst Theater.

★ FAST BREAK A must-see for anyone with an interest in the history of either the Trail Blazers or Portland itself, Fast Break comprises footage shot during the Blazers’ legendary 1977 championship season. Much of the documentary is devoted to chronicling how Bill Walton spent his time off the court—which, because the man was a giant (literally) hippie, involved a lot of bike riding down the 101 and clambering through the woods picking blackberries. There’s also a ton of great archival footage of the absolute frenzy that surrounded the team during that period, filtered of course through Portland’s own hippie sensibility—a scene of a huge crowd singing a “Rip City” ballad as a folksinger strums on an acoustic guitar is particularly classic. ALISON HALLETT Hollywood Theatre.

FLIGHT A clumsy, preachy, feature-length infomercial for AA. ERIK HENRIKSEN Various Theaters.

★ HAPPY 200, CHARLES DICKENS See Film, this issue. NW Film Center’s Whitsell Auditrium.

HITCHCOCK The making of Alfred Hitchcock’s classic 1960 horror film Psycho is fodder for Hitchcock, the new by-thenumbers biopic. Making a movie about one of the most celebrated filmmakers of all time is a dangerous game, and while Hitchcock is competent—and occasionally even breezily entertaining—it mostly plays like a TV movie. NED LANNAMANN Century Clackamas Town Center, City Center 12, Fox Tower 10.

THE HOBBIT: AN UNEXPECTED JOURNEY See review this issue. Various Theaters.

HOMEGROWN DOCFEST Short documentaries made by students in the NW Documentary Workshop—PLUS. “A SPECIAL PERFORMANCE FROM NATIONAL YODELING CHAMPION LARRY WILDER.” More info: nwdocumentary.org. Mission Theater.

HYDE PARK ON HUDSON

See review this issue. Fox Tower 10.

Portland’s Historic non-Profit tHeatre

enter taining Por tl and since 1926

JAPANESE CURRENTS The NW Film Center’s annual series of contemporary Japanese films. This week’s films include Nuclear Nation, Monsters Club, and Rent-a-Cat. More info: nwfilm.org. NW Film Center’s Whitsell Auditorium.

★ JASON BECKER: NOT DEAD YET Jason Becker was meant for greatness. A master guitar player, Becker was discovered by Shrapnel Records and eventually took over Steve Vai’s slot playing with David Lee Roth—all before he graduated from high school. Then he was diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease and given three-to-five years to live. Jason Becker: Not Dead Yet documents Becker’s life leading up to his crippling diagnosis and into the present, where he still composes music and speaks with an eye sign language designed by his father. The film conveys his amazing story well with old footage, pictures, and interviews with friends and family, but somehow falls just short of emotionally pulling you in. Still, it’s inspiring and worth a watch. ARIS WALES Clinton Street Theater. ★ KILLING THEM SOFTLY The story of Killing Them Softly is timeless: Here are a bunch of guys struggling to get by, fighting back despair, and screwing each other over for money. While it’s based on George V. Higgins’ 1974 novel Cogan’s Trade, Killing Them Softly feels utterly contemporary—largely because writer/director Andrew Dominik has picked up Higgins’ story and plopped it down a few decades later. Now it plays out in the gray ruins of post-Katrina New Orleans, with a soundtrack of news stories about the 2008 financial crisis leaking from every TV and car radio. Suddenly, that bunch of guys struggling to get by, fighting back despair, and screwing each other over for money is part of a bigger story. ERIK HENRIKSEN Various Theaters. ★ A LATE QUARTET At the start of A Late Quartet, Christopher Walken’s character explains to a group of his cello students that Beethoven’s late quartet, Opus 131, is not the standard four movements but instead has seven parts and that you have to play them straight through with no breaks, which causes your instruments to go all out of tune with one another. “It’s a mess,” he says. It’s also a metaphor about how basic entropy affects togetherness. The togetherness, say, of a musical group that’s been playing together for 25 years when the oldest member finds

★ MEANS WE RECOMMEND IT. THEATER LOCATIONS ARE ACCURATE FRIDAY DECEMBER 14-THURSDAY DECEMBER 20, UNLESS OTHERWISE NOTED. FILM TIMES AND SHORTS ARE ALSO AVAILABLE AT PORTLANDMERCURY.COM.

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★ HOLY MOTORS Monsieur Oscar (Denis Lavant) traverses Paris in the back of a massive white limousine. With faithful driver Céline (Edith Scob) at the wheel, and with the limo’s cabin packed with a makeup table and more rubbery prosthetics than Cloud Atlas, Oscar goes to a number of “appointments”—and at each, he drastically changes his face, his hair, his clothes, his mannerisms, his cohorts. First he appears as a privileged businessman, then a filthy, deranged, fucked-up leprechaun; sometimes he’s a decrepit, panhandling old woman, later he’s a father, an assassin, a guy wearing a motion-capture unitard who goes down on a woman wearing a motion-capture unitard. Holy Motors might very well be brilliant, and it also might very well be 2012’s version of the emperor’s new clothes. ERIK HENRIKSEN Fox Tower 10.

THE MISFITS

★ ANNA KARENINA Prediction: Joe Wright’s Anna Karenina is going to be the Speed Racer of literary adaptations—defended by nerds, derided by other nerds, and baffling to the public at large. It’s an audacious interpretation of Leo Tolstoy that’s overstuffed and overflowing with style. I can’t be sure that it’s a good movie—but I was so overwhelmed by its boldness that I can’t deny I kind of loved it. JAMIE S. RICH Century Clackamas Town Center, Fox Tower 10.

TuESday dEcEMBEr 18 · 7:30pm See the Mercury movie section for showtimes, and visit our NEW website

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LAWRENCE OF ARABIA Not quite as good as Ernest Goes to Arabia.

he has Parkinson’s and can’t go on. Walken plays that character. Has he ever been the emotional center of a film before? It’s magical. For much of A Late Quartet, the camera follows the storm of the other characters’ drama—often, melodrama—until it finds a resting place once again on Walken’s alien face, quietly registering the effects of old age. JEN GRAVES Laurelhurst Theater.

★ LAWRENCE OF ARABIA A digital resoration. Cinema 21.

3 Locations Open 24HRS!!!

★ LIFE OF PI Ang’s Lee’s overblown but nonetheless quite beautiful adaptation of Yann Martel’s 2001 novel of the same name. Like the novel, it’s a parable disguised as an adventure story; like the novel, some people will think it contains profound truths, and some will find it unbearably overwrought. Others—me!—will appreciate some of the best 3D we’ve seen to date, and enjoy the adventure despite its self-seriousness. ALISON HALLETT Various Theaters.

LINCOLN Oscar bait doesn’t get much more baiting than this: Steven Spielberg directing Daniel Day-Lewis with a Tony Kushner script about the final months of America’s most beloved, tragic president. By and large, Lincoln wanders many of the same paths Spielberg’s other Oscar bait-y films have taken—this one feels particularly like Amistad, though there’s some War Horse in here too. Lincoln is a generally well-made film, but it’s also one stitched together from Day-Lewis’ dramatic monologues and cinematographer Janusz Kaminski’s reverential sepia tones: Even when it tries to humanize Lincoln, it’s mostly just here to reaffirm what a Great Man he was and how he made some Very Important History. ERIK HENRIKSEN Various Theaters.

NORTH SEA TEXAS

A Belgian (and gay!) coming-of-age flick. Clinton Street Theater.

PLAYING FOR KEEPS

The most interesting thing about Playing for Keeps is trying to figure out who the movie is for. Is it for lonely housewives itching to nail Gerard Butler? Soccer fans desperate for validation that their little game of “futball” is actually a real sport? Moviegoers hoping for a glimpse of Uma Thurman with her top off? (Trick question, that’s everybody.) The only satisfactory answer is that this movie is for adult children of broken homes who kind of blame their mothers. ALISON HALLETT Various Theaters.

★ PROMISED LAND See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 17. Bagdad Theater. ★ SEARCHING FOR SUGAR MAN Detroit singer/songwriter Rodriguez released two obscure albums of introspective, Dylanesque agitprop-lite in 1970 and 1971, then promptly vanished. Documentary filmmaker Malik Bendjelloul picks up his thread in South Africa, where Rodriguez’s music has amassed a huge following over the decades—and where nobody knows a thing about the mysterious man behind the records. If this is the first you’ve heard of Rodriguez, you might choose to stop reading here, because the twist that Searching for Sugar Man reveals—while not a surprise to anyone who’s picked up the recent reissues of his albums on the Seattle-based Light in the Attic label—is handled brilliantly in the film. Even if you do know what happened next, Sugar Man is still one of the most intriguing and satisfying music documentaries in a good while. NED LANNAMANN Laurelhurst Theater. ★ THE SESSIONS Helen Hunt plays Cheryl, who’s been hired to indoctrinate paralyzed writer Mark (John Hawkes) in the ways of S-E-X. Mark contracted polio as a kid, and the iron lung has seriously hindered his game—so after realizing that other disabled people still manage to have sex lives, he contacts Cheryl to figure out just what kind of experiences his paralyzed body is capable of having. The Sessions is

bound to be over praised, but Hunt and Hawkes are so damn good, and the scenes between the two of them so rich in awkward, funny, premature ejaculate-y tenderness, that the strengths of this odd little true story far outweigh its imperfections. ALISON HALLETT Fox Tower 10, Hollywood Theatre, Liberty Theatre.

★ SEVEN PSYCHOPATHS Martin McDonagh’s feverish story about a drunk screenwriter, Marty (Colin Farrell). And the probably insane Billy (Sam Rockwell). And a charming, doddering dog thief (charming, doddering Christopher Walken), and an Amish sociopath (Harry Dean Stanton), and an exceedingly troubled man with a bunny (Tom Waits), and a trigger-happy crime boss (Woody Harrelson). Things get a bit meta, and they get impressively bloody, and there might be one or two women in it? Briefly? There is definitely a dog in it. This isn’t a movie for everybody, but it’s well aware of that fact, and it’s a hell of a good time. ERIK HENRIKSEN Academy Theater, Bagdad Theater, Edgefield, Kennedy School, Laurelhurst Theater, Mission Theater, St. Johns Theater and Pub, Valley Theater, Vancouver Plaza 10. ★ SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT It’s no Black Christmas, but 1984’s inevitable Santaturns-slasher bloodbath Silent Night, Deadly Night has a few likeable qualities nonetheless: You’ve got your sex with nuns, you’ve got a multitude of arbitrary victims introduced and subsequently murdered in roughly one half of one scene, not to mention a smattering of increasingly ludicrous Christmas songs that all seem to be composed specifically for the movie. On the downside, you’ve got the needlessly expository first two-thirds of the movie, plus perhaps the least convincing horror villain of all time: a dashing, doe-eyed WASP-y dude in a Santa suit whose creepy one liners alternate between the equally unscary “Puuunish!” and “Naaaw-tee!”—delivered in a nearly unintelligible monotone. ZAC PENNINGTON Hollywood Theatre. ★ SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK As someone who’s skeptical of silver linings being an actual thing, so too was I skeptical of Silver Linings Playbook, the would-be feel-good holiday release from I Heart Huckabees director David O. Russell. Midway through the trailer, I half expected a voiceover to proclaim it was “from the producers of The Blind Side of the Help.” But while the path of this thing seems obvious, the film’s romance sneaks up on you: Russell disguises his love story by shooting Silver Linings Playbook with the same visceral immediacy he brought to The Fighter, cloaking the courtship in the manic energy of mental disorders. JAMIE S. RICH Century Clackamas Town Center, Fox Tower 10.

SING-ALONG WIZARD OF OZ “Costumes and fancy dress are encouraged and all dressed-up guests can join Glinda, Dorothy, and the Wicked Witch of the West for a costume parade before the film.” In related news, there is no god. Clinton Street Theater.

★ THE WEATHER OUTSIDE This holiday-soaked local flick is a noirish upending of It’s a Wonderful Life, with distinct echoes of Lynch’s Lost Highway. Sad-sack Max (Michael J. Prosser) is a drunk who’s lost his wife and kids on Christmas Eve. A year later, he’s still a drunk and working at a thrift store, where he befriends an angelic homeless woman (Erin McGarry) in a scheme to reconnect with his ex. But twists abound, and it becomes clear that Max’s time is running out. Atmospheric, well acted, and full of Portland haunts, The Weather Outside has the three hallmarks of a great holiday haze: booze, smoking, and deals with the devil. Together, Jason and Todd E. Freeman, the writer/ director/producer/brother duo who made The Weather Outside and the pretty great horror film Cell Count, are proving to be a team to watch for. See review of Cell Count, previous page. COURTNEY FERGUSON Bagdad Theater.

★ MEANS WE RECOMMEND IT. THEATER LOCATIONS ARE ACCURATE FRIDAY DECEMBER 14-THURSDAY DECEMBER 20, UNLESS OTHERWISE NOTED. FILM TIMES AND SHORTS ARE ALSO AVAILABLE AT PORTLANDMERCURY.COM.

46 portlandmercury.com December 12th, 2012

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LISTINGS ARE GOOD FRIDAY-THURSDAY, DECEMBER 14-20 UNLESS OTHERWISE NOTED.

Northeast Hollywood Theatre 4122 NE Sandy, 281-4215

Chasing Ice Fri 7:30; Sat 2:45, 4:45; Sun 2:45, 4:45, 9:30; Mon-Tues 9:30; Wed-Thurs 7:30

Fast Break Mon 7:30 The Perks of Being a Wallflower Fri 7:15, 9:15; Sat 5:15, 7:15, 9:15; Sun 3:15, 5:15, 7:15, 9:15; Mon 7:15, 9:15; Tues 7:15; Wed-Thurs 7:15, 9:15 The Sessions Fri 7, 9; Sat 3, 5, 7, 9; Sun 3, 5, 7:10, 9; Mon-Thurs 7, 9 Silent Night, Deadly Night Tues 7:30

Kennedy School 5736 NE 33rd, 249-7474

Frankenweenie Sat-Sun 12:30, 5:30 Pitch Perfect Fri-Mon 2:45; Tues-Thurs 2:30 Seven Psychopaths Fri-Thurs 7:30 Taken 2 Fri-Thurs 9:45

Laurelhurst Theater 2735 E Burnside, 232-5511

Beasts of the Southern Wild Fri 6:45; Sat-Sun 1:45, 6:45; Mon-Thurs 6:45

A Christmas Story Fri 7; Sat-Sun 2, 7; Mon-Thurs 7 A Late Quartet Fri 4:15, 7:30; Sat-Sun 1:15, 4:15, 7:30; Mon-Thurs 7:30

Looper Fri-Sun 4, 9:30; Mon-Thurs 9:30 The Perks of Being a Wallflower Fri 7:15; Sat-Sun 1:30, 7:15; Mon-Thurs 7:15

Searching for Sugar Man Fri-Sun 4:40, 9; Mon-Thurs 9

Seven Psychopaths Fri-Sun 4:30, 9:15; Mon-Thurs 9:15

The Perks of Being a Wallflower Fri 2:30, 4:45, 7, 9:15; Sat 12:20, 2:30, 4:45, 7, 9:15; Sun 2:30, 4:45, 7, 9:15; Mon-Thurs 12:20, 2:30, 4:45, 7, 9:15 Seven Psychopaths Fri 7:15, 9:35; Sat 12, 7:15, 9:35; Sun 7:15, 9:35; Mon-Thurs 12, 7:15, 9:35 Sinister Fri-Thurs 9

Bagdad Theater

3702 SE Hawthorne, 225-5555

Pitch Perfect Fri 5; Sat 2, 5:30; Mon-Thurs 6 Promised Land Sun 7:30 Seven Psychopaths Fri 7:20; Mon-Thurs 8:25 The Weather Outside Sat 9

The Collection Fri-Tues 2:35, 8 Flight Fri-Tues 11:25 am, 4:45, 10:10 The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey 3D Fri-Sun 12, 3:45, 7:30; Mon-Tues 11:30 am, 1:30, 2:30, 3:30, 5:30, 7:30, 9:30, 10:15 The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey Fri-Sun 8:45; Mon-Tues 10:45 am, 12:30, 4:30, 6:30, 8:30 It’s a Wonderful Life Wed 2, 7 Killing Them Softly Fri-Tues 12:15, 2:45, 5:15, 7:40, 10:10 Life of Pi Fri-Tues 12:45, 6:45 Life of Pi 3D Fri-Tues 11:15 am, 2:15, 3:45, 5:20, 8:15, 9:45 Lincoln Fri-Tues 11:10 am, 12:05, 2:25, 3:35, 5:40, 7, 9:10, 10:20 Monsters, Inc. 3D Wed-Thurs 4:20, 7 Playing for Keeps Fri-Tues 11 am, 1:45, 4:20, 7:15, 9:55 Rise of the Guardians Fri-Tues 2:05, 7:20 Rise of the Guardians 3D Fri-Tues 11:20 am, 4:50, 10 Skyfall Fri-Tues 10:55 am, 12:20, 2:10, 3:40, 5:25, 6:55, 8:50, 10:05

Lloyd Center 10 Cinema

Fri-Tues 11:05 am, 1:50, 4:40, 7:25, 10:25 Wreck-It Ralph Fri-Tues 10:50 am, 1:40, 4:25, 7:10, 9:50

Argo Fri 12:45, 3:40, 6:45, 9:40; Sat 3:40, 6:45, 9:40;

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Sun 12:45, 3:40, 6:45, 9:40; Mon-Tues 12:45, 3:40

Fri 11:30 am, 3:30, 7:30, 11:30; Sat 11 am, 3, 7, 10:55; Sun-Mon 11:30 am, 3:30, 7:30; Tues-Thurs 11 am, 3, 7, 10:55 The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey Fri-Thurs 12:30, 4:30, 8:30 Jack Reacher Thurs 11:59 pm Life of Pi 3D Fri-Tues 12:20, 3:25, 6:35, 9:45 Lincoln Fri-Tues 11:50 am, 3:15, 6:50, 10:15 Monsters, Inc. Wed-Thurs 2:10 Monsters, Inc. 3D Wed-Thurs 11:40 am, 4:40, 7:15, 9:50 Red Dawn Fri-Tues 12 Rise of the Guardians Fri-Tues 12:10, 2:40, 5:10, 7:40, 10:10 Skyfall Fri-Tues 12:35, 3:50, 7:15, 10:30 This Is 40 Thurs 11:59 pm

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2

Fri 12:50, 3:55, 7:10, 10:05; Sat 3:55, 7:10, 10:05; SunTues 12:50, 3:55, 7:10, 10:05

Lloyd Mall 8

15 Lloyd Center, 800-326-3264

Cloud Atlas Fri-Thurs 12, 3:35 Flight Fri-Thurs 8:45 The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey 3D Fri-Thurs 12, 4, 8

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey Fri-Thurs 12:30, 4:30, 8:30

Killing Them Softly Fri-Thurs 7:10, 9:30 Life of Pi 3D Fri-Thurs 12:05, 3, 6, 9:10 Lincoln Fri-Thurs 12:35, 4:15, 7:50 Playing for Keeps Fri-Thurs 12:20, 3:20, 6:20, 8:50 Skyfall Fri-Thurs 12, 3:05, 6:10, 9:15 Wreck-It Ralph Fri-Thurs 12:25, 3:30, 6:05

Roseway Theater 7229 NE Sandy, 282-2898

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey 3D Fri-Thurs 12, 4, 8

Southeast Academy Theater 7818 SE Stark, 252-0500

Beasts of the Southern Wild Sat 5; Mon-Thurs 5 Brave Fri-Thurs 2:15 Frankenweenie Fri 4:30; Sat 12:10, 4:30; Sun 4:30; Mon-Wed 12:10, 4:30; Thurs 4:30 Looper Fri-Thurs 2:05, 6:30

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The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey Fri 5, 8:25; Sat-Sun 1:30, 5, 8:25; Mon-Thurs 5, 8:25

Clinton Street Theater 2522 SE Clinton, 238-8899

Jason Becker: Not Dead Yet Fri-Thurs 9 North Sea Texas Fri-Sun 7; Tues-Thurs 7 Reel Eats Mon 7 (free) Rocky Horror Picture Show Sat 11:30 pm Sing-Along Wizard of Oz Sat-Sun 2

Elsewhere Century 16 Cedar Hills Crossing 3200 SW Hocken, Beaverton, 800-326-3264

Argo Fri-Tues 11:15 am, 2, 4:45, 7:30, 10:20 Flight Fri-Tues 7:45, 10:45 The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey 3D Fri-Thurs 10:55 am, 2:35, 6:15, 9:55

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey Fri-Thurs 1:40, 9

It’s a Wonderful Life Wed 2, 7 Killing Them Softly Fri-Tues 8:15, 10:40 Life of Pi Fri-Tues 1:10, 7:10 Life of Pi 3D Fri-Tues 10:10 am, 11:40 am, 2:40, 4:10, 9:10, 10:10 Lincoln Fri-Tues 10:45 am, 12:30, 2:05, 3:45, 5:25, 7, 10:15 Monsters, Inc. 3D Wed 10 am; Thurs 10 am, 12:20, 2:40, 5, 7:20, 9:40 Playing for Keeps Fri-Tues 11:35 am, 2:20, 5, 7:45, 10:30 Red Dawn Fri 10:15 am, 12:50, 3:10, 5:30; Sat 10:15 am, 12:45; Sun-Mon 10:15 am, 12:50, 3:10, 5:30, 7:50, 10:10; Tues 10:15 am, 3:10, 5:30, 7:50, 10:10 Rise of the Guardians Fri-Tues 10 am, 12:25, 2:50, 5:15 Skyfall Fri 11:10 am, 12:45, 2:20, 3:55, 5:30, 7:05, 8:40, 10:15; Sat 11:10 am, 2:20, 3:55, 5:30, 7:05, 8:40, 10:15; Sun-Mon 11:10 am, 12:45, 2:20, 3:55, 5:30, 7:05, 8:40, 10:15; Tues 11:10 am, 12:45, 3:55, 5:30, 7:05, 8:40, 10:15 The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 Fri-Tues 11:20 am, 2, 4:45, 7:30, 10:15 Wreck-It Ralph Fri-Tues 10 am, 12:35, 3:10, 5:45

Film Times are updated daily at

PORTLANDMERCURY.COM

December 12th, 2012 portlandmercury.com 47

Savage Love by Dan Savage

Emergency Flares

A

t a dinner party, a straight man put a question to my boyfriend and me. He assumed that we, being gay men, would have an answer for him. We did not, Dan, and so we turn to you. What happens to one if one has to fart while one is wearing a butt plug? Gays Are Simply Stumped, Yes and Sincerely So

I

f o n e i s wearing a butt plug (“wear: to carry or to have on the body or about the person as a covering, ornament, or the like”), GASSYASS, then one may pass gas, silently or noisily, as one is wont to do, because a butt plug worn as a hat or a brooch or an epaulet—that is, a butt plug worn on the body—presents no impediment. But if one has fully inserted the bulbous end of the butt plug into one’s rectal cavity, and one’s sphincter muscles are gripping the neck of the butt plug, as they are wont to do, thereby ensuring that the bulbous end remains lodged in the rectal cavity while the fl ared base remains outside of the rectal cavity (one could, if one wished to be pedantic, argue that one wears the fl ared base of the butt plug against one’s anus), what would then happen if one attempted to pass gas? The force of the gas would either dislodge one’s butt plug, sending it fl ying across one’s room, or, if one’s butt plug failed to dislodge and take fl ight, cause one to simply explode.

I

had a conversation with a friend who is an emergency-room physician. He told me about removing something—I can’t remember what—from a gentleman’s ass. My immediate response was to ask whether he had the flared-base talk with the gentleman after the fact. His response? “What are you talking about? ” I explained that if the gentleman had used a butt toy with a flared base, he wouldn’t have been in the circumstances that brought him to the hospital. He had never thought of that and thanked me for the advice. My partner is a physician and has treated patients with anal “encumbrances.” He gives the flared-base advice to anyone who seems like they might benefit from it— but he tells me this isn’t something they go over in med school. This shocks me because it seems like a topic where a little education could do a lot of good. You should use your column to bring this to the attention of medical school administrators. Conscience Cleared

I

a m s h a r i n g your letter, CC, in the hopes that doctors all over the world read it and promptly incorporate your “flared-base” advice into their practice. If they don’t, well, then we will just have to conclude that flared-base advice isn’t given to patients by doctors—ER or otherwise—because doctors secretly enjoy digging various foreign objects out of the variable rectums of various gentlemen.

I

’m a 19-year-old bisexual male. I’ve been in a two-year relationship with a girl who has a low sex drive, so we are in an open relationship and I occasionally have sex with guys. I really liked the last guy I got with and enjoyed having sex with him a lot. The problem was, I couldn’t get hard. Is the problem that I’m still trying to figure out who I am and what I want? Am I not as attracted to guys as I thought I was? Or could it be guilt, even though my girlfriend is okay with it? Bisexually Oriented Nervously Experiencing Reversal

Sex

Y

o u s a y y o u “occasionally have sex with guys,” BONER, which means this guy isn’t your first. He’s just the first guy—perhaps the first person—that you couldn’t get hard with. Let me guess: This has never happened to you before. Of course it hasn’t—you’re 19. But it happens to every guy sooner or later, and you’re much likelier to seek an explanation or attach some deeper meaning to it the first time it happens. (Maybe I’m not bi! Maybe it was guilt!) Don’t waste your time, BONER. Sometimes a soft dick is just a soft dick. If it keeps happening, well, then you may have a problem. But if you go on obsessing about an isolated incident—perhaps brought on by nerves (you liked this guy, right?)—you run the risk of creating a problem.

I

was on a layover in San Francisco. My attractive, bearish, platonic, straight male coworker would like to know if it is weird that a guy complimented his shoes while at the urinal in the SFO bathroom. Rhymes with Larry Craig?

Y A

es.

s I was reading the letters in the last Savage Love, it occurred to me that the debate over polyamory as a “sexual orientation” is primarily one of definitions. Some folks who are poly see that as just as “core” to their nature as their gender preference. JOE NEWTON Therefore, I propose the following framework. We all have a sexual identity composed of four components: 1. Our gender identity ranging from cis to trans. 2. Our sexual orientation ranging from homo to hetero. 3. Our sexual exclusivity ranging from purely monogamous to purely polyamorous. 4. Our sexual interest ranging from asexual to highly sexual. In my view, these four components are equal in that they are all things that we are rather than things that we choose. While it is possible to choose a lifestyle that deviates from one’s sexual identity, in all cases doing so entails stress, cognitive dissonance, and some degree of selfloathing. Like all conceptual frameworks, this one is not necessarily complete. It fails to include sexual interest in animals, particular age groups, or any of several hundred kinks, all of which are traits that seem to be more identity than choice. That said, I do think there is something unique and universally applicable in the four-component scheme, and I think that we should as a society set a goal of acceptance and nondiscrimination surrounding all aspects of sexual identity. Just My Thoughts

I

l i k e y o u r m o d e l , JMT, but it has to be said: At a certain point, endless Tumblrenabled debates about sexual identity, gender identity, sexual orientation, and sexual interests take on the flavor of those how-many-angelscan-dance-on-the-head-of-a-pin debates that obsessed theologians in the Middle Ages. For the record: Each of us is free—and remains free—to identify however we wish and to apply the labels “identity” and/or “orientation” however we please. If a particular person isn’t trying to take anything away from you, then the fact that the person holds slightly differing views on identity or orientation, or the meanings of those words, or just how many angels can dance on the head of a pin, well, it really isn’t an enormous fucking deal, is it? And, in my opinion, those who spend their time debating, classifying, and unpacking sex and identity run a very real risk of disappearing up their own ass in a puff of santorum. Which is my way of saying… No, I won’t be giving a column over to angry letters from buttsore people who feel that D/s is their sexual orientation, because I gave a column to angry poly folks last week, so it’s only fair and blah blah blah. mail@savagelove.net @fakedansavage on Twitter

Find the Savage Lovecast at thestranger.com/savage. 48 portlandmercury.com December 12th, 2012

I❤ TV

TV

by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey

Worst Honey Boo Boo Ever?

F

OR THE 10,000TH time in a row, Barbara Walters has revealed most of the winners on her “10 Most Fascinating People of the Year” list (watch her ABC special, Wed Dec 12 at 9:30 pm), and SURPRISE! Once again, I am not anywhere near it. In fact, I am so far away from her top 10, I’m beginning to think it has a restraining order against me (which would be my fifth of 2012, if I’m not mistaken). And ONCE AGAIN most of the people who made the list are totally… okay, mostly… okay maybe just a teensy bit undeserving. Like that “Secretary of State Hillary Clinton” person. She’s okay, I guess. And Ben Affleck! Undeserving, though totally DREAMY! And Olympic gold medalist Gabby Douglas—though I could totally get a bunch of gold medals, too, if I’d spent my entire life training to do something other than watch TV and bang hot pieces of tail. But do they give gold medals for that??? NO, THEY DO NOT!! But check this poo-poo out! Besides those kind-of-okay-I-guess-if-you-like-those-sortof-people people, Babs also included Seth MacFarlane (creator of Family Guy and not one-tenth as funny as he seems to think), boy band One Direction (in their defense, they do make my penis go one direction… UP!), New Jersey Governor Chris Christie (and dowwwwwn goes the penis), Fifty Shades of Grey author E.L. James (who makes my penis pack its suitcase and run screaming in the opposite direction), and… wait a freakin’ second… HONEY BOO BOO?? You are kidding me, right? Here I am, writing the most “fascinating” TV column ever written, and the star of TLC’s Toddlers & Tiaras and Here Comes Honey Boo Boo makes 2012’s “most fascinating” list instead of me? GAAAAAHHHH! And as it turns out, Adam Levine—judge on The Voice, and lead singer of less-than-tolerable

JEREMY EATON

band Maroon 5—agrees this is a goddamn travesty of justice. Here’s what he told GQ: “Seriously, Honey Boo Boo is the DECAY of Western civilization,” he told the magazine. “That show is literally The. Worst. Thing. That’s. Ever. Happened. It’s complete f****g ignorance and the most despicable way to treat your kids.” Thank you, Adam, and what’s more… oh, wait he’s not finished. “F*** those people,” he continued. “You can put that in the magazine: F*** those idiots. They’re just the worst. Sorry, I’m so sensitive to that—like, I don’t know, man, it’s upsetting. Just to clarify, I said, ‘F*** THOSE PEOPLE.’” Wow. Okay, at first I was against Honey Boo Boo—but now I’m feeling I need to rush to her defense! “The. Worst. Thing. That’s. Ever. Happened.”? Really? You don’t think that’s overstating it a bit? Let’s just pause for a second and see if we can think of anything that’s actually worse than Honey Boo Boo. Okay, I’m ready, how about the Holocaust, Darfur, AIDS, 9/11, the smallpox epidemic, the Chernobyl disaster, slavery, Hiroshima, herpes, Carrot Top… let’s just stop there before we get depressed. In fact, thanks to Adam Levine, I’m no longer upset about Honey Boo Boo making this year’s “most fascinating” list—I’m just glad HE didn’t make it. Because while Maroon 5 might not be THE. WORST. THING. THAT’S. EVER. HAPPENED… they’re still worse than Carrot Top.

Is Honey Boo Boo the worst Honey Boo Boo ever?

Twitter! Worst. Thing. Ever. @WmSteveHumphrey

December 21st 11am - Midnight

This Week on Television

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 12

8:00 TLC TODDLERS & TIARAS: MOST MEMORABLE MOMENTS For those who are curious, but are afraid you might blow your own head off if you watch an entire season— here’s a Toddlers & Tiaras clip show. 10:00 FX AMERICAN HORROR STORY When an episode is titled “The Coat Hanger,” that’s code for… “Be very afraid.”

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 13

8:00 NBC UP ALL NIGHT Reagan and Chris attempt to introduce their baby to “snow”—but a pile of Colombian blow isn’t what they had in mind. 8:00 CW THE VAMPIRE DIARIES A Mystic Falls holiday party is ruined by demons—and a terrible “white elephant” gift exchange.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 14

8:00 CBS RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER A mutant reindeer is cast out of Santa’s village along with a gay dentist. THAT AIN’T RIGHT.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 15

8:00 FOX COPS Season premiere! In this “Odd Arrests” episode, the cops try to contain an angry zebra. (He’s probably on bath salts.) 11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE Host: Martin Short. Musical guest: Paul McCartney. Primary advertiser: Metamucil.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 16

9:00 SHO DEXTER Season finale! LaGuerta plans to uncover Dexter’s identity in an episode aptly titled “Surprise, Motherfucker!”

MONDAY, DECEMBER 17

is located at: 800 NE Dekum St. - Portland, OR 97211 www.goodneighborpizzeria.com Proceeds from this event directly support programs at United Cerebral Palsy Association of Oregon and SW Washington H o s t e d b y : Ve r n o n H a l l a n d M i c h a e l T h a l e r o f U C P

9:30 NBC 1600 PENN Debut! A sneaky peek at the upcoming White House sitcom starring Bill Pullman and Book of Mormon’s Josh Gad.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 18

9:00 NBC THE VOICE Season finale! Find out which singer wins it all and immediately disappears into oblivion.

December 12th, 2012 portlandmercury.com 49

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DINOSAUR COMICS // RYAN NORTH

n!

’VE BEEN JEWISH my whole Boy Bouillabaisse.” Pour some soup life—at least until today, when out for MCA. I happened upon a Spotify • Make a little dreidel out of clay! Haha, just kidding, you’re an playlist called “Hipster k kolu m adult. Instead, get some Hanukkah”… and now I’m u an friends together and make an anti-Semite. a golem out of clay! The Look, I’m not the more it looks like BeniJewiest of Jews. I becio Del Toro, the more came a bar mitzvah, likely it is to come to I control the media, I life! Here’s a fun song: know that it’s “became “I have a little golem/I a bar mitzvah” and not made it out of clay/and “had a bar mitzvah”—helwhen it’s dry and ready/all la Jew things, them all—but you goyim pay.” I don’t believe in any god, I’m not going back to synagogue un- • Latkes. Sour cream. Sriracha. less they turn Mel Brooks into some • Fiddler on the Roof-based sexual kind of Jewish pope (Jope?), and roleplaying! Tevye on Golde! Tzeitel I’m dating a girl so gentile she could on Yente! Lazar Wolf on that Russian have played Ivan Drago if she had a constable guy! Of course, it’s no stronger jaw line. I’m way more of a shame to fuck with Manischewitz“Judd Apatow” Jew than a “Read the dick, but it’s no great boner, either. Torah” Jew, and still, I know Hanuk- • Go to a grocery store, find the most kah deserves better than the fucking helpful person you can, start asking for actual Hanukkah items (gelt, mat“Hipster ______” treatment. It’s bad enough that Hanukkah* is zot) and then start making up fake, widely considered the WNBA Christ- Jewish-sounding stuff (shpoipel, Neil mas, now this indignity? Dayenu. Sedaka). See how long until they call Don’t worry, though, bubbeleh, I’m you on your bullshit. here to provide eight Hanukkah sug- • I don’t know how stoned you guys gestions so fun you’ll feel like retreat- need to get to enjoy gefilte fish… but ing to the hills to lead a rebel army get there. into battle against the superior num- • Get some dim sum. Just because Hanukkah doesn’t coincide with bers of the Seleucid Empire! Christmas this year doesn’t mean • Buy enough hash oil for one night, you can’t celebrate that sacred see if you can stretch it out over all tradition of getting some spareeight nights. By the way, any amount ribs and shrugging at your swarthy @IanKarmel of hash oil is enough for eight nights. loved ones. Whenever I smoke it, I cough for so long that I start to pop and lock to the *If you want to get on my case steady beat of my lung’s own Macca- about which of the 613 possible ways I chose to spell “Hanukkah,” bean Revolt. • Make a bouillabaisse, listen to “B- gai kukken afen yam.

Ryan North has daily comics available at qwantz.com

YOUR ANONYMOUS RANTS FROM THE MERCURY ’S I, ANONYMOUS BLOG ILLUSTRATED BY KALAH ALLEN

I DESERVE IT Do you people know what it took to get to where I am today? I’m the boss now, and apparently people don’t like it. Do I care? Not really. Listen up folks, I put in my time, I did what I had to do, I FUCKING compromised myself in more ways than one to rise to the top. If you think I’m going to give two shits about how you people feel about me, you’re fucking wrong. And yeah, okay, sometimes I’m in such a piss-poor mood because of the SHIT I’ve had to go through, that I’ll take it out on your sorry ass. But do you know what? There isn’t a goddamn thing you can do about it. You are the worker bee and I am the fucking queen. Get it? If you want to get anywhere in life, you need to start kissing up and you can begin with MY ass. You fucking people don’t get it, you just don’t fucking get it. Time to leave my West Hills home, drive my luxury car to the Northwest and have a fucking WELL-EARNED meal. And if you’re wondering what place of work I’m writing about, try ANY WORKPLACE.—Anonymous

UNDERWORLD // KAZ

Kaz's work is published by Fantagraphics; view his work at kazunderworld.com

Submit your unsigned confessions and accusations of 300 words or less, changing the names of the innocent and guilty, to “I, Anonymous,” at anonymous@portlandmercury.com, or on the I, Anonymous blog at portlandmercury.com.

December 12th, 2012 portlandmercury.com 51

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The Portland Mercury, December 12, 2012 (Vol. 13, No. 30)