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EDITOR’SNOTE

LETTERS

My Top 8 Editor’s Notes

Thank you for your enchanting list of “The 15 Best Dog Parks in Lake Oswego” (July 2012, pg. 44)! We’re now three-quarters of the way through paying visits to all of them (yes, all of them!). Unfortunately, Garrison, our purebred Pekingese (named after our favorite radio personality, of course), has been “intimately approached” by several “rowdy” dogs. Perhaps in future lists of this sort, you might include a “propriety” rating for each park?

Looking out of the expansive windows lining my new mid-century modern home atop the West Hills, I can see the breadth and scope of Portland. But I can’t see the tiny ugly details—which is awesome. I see what I want to see… the bridges that span the Willamette, the rolling greenery stretching up toward OHSU, and the welcoming arms of the Pearl, where I spend my weekends dining on lobster bisque and laughing haughtily with my chums. And I also see how my monthly “Editor’s Notes” have changed Portland for the better. What follows are my TOP EIGHT. 1. “Homeless Hoodied Ragamuffins: a Blight on the Urban Landscape.” Favorite passage: “His hand extended, his herpes sore glistening, he asked for change, which I had… but refused to give—because at that moment the effort of reaching into my pocket was somehow too much to bear.” 2. “My New Porsche.” Favorite passage: “My naked buttocks settled firmly into the heated leather seat that carried the scent of recently mutilated bull. As I reached the advertised 60 MPH in 3.3 seconds, my semen flew—coating the rich grained dashboard and my slightly distressed carpool partner in ecstasy.” 3. “Damned Skateboarders—Get off My Streets!” Favorite passage: “Cackling wildly, the bath salts still fresh on his dry cracked lips, the vile, monstrous skateboarder (and perhaps rapist?) screamed almost incoherently, ‘IS THIS YOUR NEWSPAPER?? I FOUND IT ON THE EDGE OF YOUR DRIVEWAY!!’” 4. “Compost Buckets: What… the… Fuck?” Favorite passage: “Seriously. Is this a joke? Like I would ever… EVER deign to…

I mean, I wouldn’t even hire a Mexican to touch it.” 5. “East Portland: It Actually Exists!” Favorite passage: “Though I’ve never laid eyes upon it, this far-away location— this imaginary Brigadoon—is an actual place where actual people live… at least according to the help.” 6. “Sharing Charcuterie with Carrie Brownstein.” Favorite passage: “As my incisors tore into the venison, I knew only one thing for sure… one look at this bottle of 1982 vintage Château Lafite Rothschild will be all it takes to cure this brassy wench of her so-called ‘lesbianism.’” 7. “Hello from the Maldives!” Favorite passage: “It’s been three years since I’ve set foot in Portland… anything new?” 8. “My Top 8 Editor’s Notes.” Favorite passage: “And I also see how my monthly ‘Editor’s Notes’ have changed Portland for the better. What follows are my top eight.”

Nigel Figgens Hawthorne Editor in Chief

GLORIA AND SAMUEL D’ARGNET Lake Oswego I was astonished to learn that your list of “23 Best Monocle Shoppes” in your September 2012 issue (pg. 34) neglected to mention Pennyworth’s Merry Monocle Emporium. I appreciate your correction of this grievous oversight. I remain, yours truly, A.Q. PENNYWORTH West Linn Whilst I have attempted to refrain from doing so, I simply must comment on your inclusion of “Voodoo Doughnut” in your “17 Best Stops for a Day Trip into Portland” (August 2012, pg. 43). On a recent day trip into Portland, my family and I visited this business you so enthusiastically recommended—only to be accosted for “spare change” by not one but three individuals of questionable moral fiber, all of whom appeared not to have bathed in several days. In addition, next door to the establishment, not 20 feet away, was a film theatre catering to lascivious crowds, and shortly thereafter, my wife nearly stepped upon what very much appeared to be a used contraceptive device, carelessly left about on the public sidewalk. Your inclusion of such a locale in what I had assumed to be a reliable guide to Portland was, to say the least, troubling. THOMAS DEWITT Tualatin We sincerely apologize for the error. The bakery we intended to recommend was, of course, Mademoiselle Pientôt’s Boulangerie on NW 23rd Avenue, an establishment representing the quintessentially authentic Portland experience. The Editors

CONTRIBUTORS As a graduate of Lewis & Clark College, JESSICA LUNDBY devoted eight years of her life to studying law, but couldn’t find “the right fit” with any of Portland’s numerous law firms, so she has been flitting around from job to job—including being a Stumptown barista for two shifts (at which point she was fired for “rudeness”… which is saying a lot considering), waiting tables part time at the Tik Tok Lounge on 82nd, reselling clothes she finds at the Bins to Buffalo Exchange, annoying people on the street for OSPIRG, and selling pot to school children. She’s currently our unpaid intern which means she actually doesn’t do much of anything except go on bagel runs.

“Breathing in the focus of nature,” is contributor writer FRED MUMPHY’S goal in life. He remains in awe of his many travels including Phuket, Thailand (where he worked as a sex club jizz mopper), Mutoko, Zimbabwe (where he helped native cultures dig for water until he realized they already had plenty of water), and surviving for three months on the highest peaks of Alaska where he was accidentally (?) left behind on a heli-skiing excursion. “Writing is the cure… it’s the tonic… it’s the fallopian tubes of the soul,” Fred is fond of repeatedly saying. Fred’s article, “52 Ways to Heal the Earth and Your Vagina” was cut at the last minute due to space considerations.

MARCUS BALING wrote the cover story for our September issue “Top 24 Mandarin Immersion Calligraphy Schools.” He is currently working on a tone poem loosely based on some selfpenned Jean-Luc Picard/ Helen Keller fan fiction, as well as the unauthorized biography of Brian Cummings, the man who voiced “Bumblelion” in the 1985 CBS cartoon Wuzzles. For this issue, he wrote this contributor’s bio.

PORTLANDMERCURY.COM | OCT 25, 2012 |

3


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Sportswear heiress Annamarice Pike demonstrates her boundless capacity for charity while at the side of close pal and windpower scion Mercedes Vexpa, who clearly knows how to give back what’s been taken. The two charmed audiences as keynote speakers during a September 4 fundraising bash for Turn Down the Crate, an organization that provides down blanketing for underserved crate-trained Pomhuahuas. Bernie Shillington’s still got it! The oldest living majority shareholder of technology powerhouse Unintel powered down his fifth chenin blanc during the October 6 opening bash for the Lake Oswego Gardeners’ Society’s new thistle patch—thanks to the successful transplant of a liver donated by an anonymous political dissident in Beijing.

Northwest society vixen Clancy Warren hosted an early autumn 90th birthday party for her seventh husband, noted cosmetic surgery pioneer William “The Beak Buster” Warren. Guests enjoyed complimentary Sculptra injections over oysters Rockefeller and highballs.

The Perfect Party SAM ADAMS To start the festivities, the outgoing mayor can open a bottle of Samuel Adams beer (get it?) and toast his term good-bye. While he was a little too concerned with not Tasering the mentally ill for our tastes, we still wish our departing mayor well. FRED ARMISEN We’re going to put

4

After giving an impromptu speech in which he jokingly intimated that incest was key to keeping one’s family name “in the black” and briefly pretended to lick his eldest daughter’s collarbone—much to the crowd’s amusement— venture capitalist Frank Ellison kept the laughs coming at the fifth annual Corporate Headhunters’ Ball.

Roland Covington and wife Portia, left, helped celebrate the acceptance of Callahan Westwood, with wife Edie, right, into the 42nd degree of Masonhood on September 14. Later that evening, the wives were escorted off the premises in preparation for the new member’s secret initiation trials. Sadly, he did not pass.

5

It was a wild bachelorette celebration for Lucinda Calloway on August 30, when she and pals toasted her impending marriage to real estate developer and second cousin Orson Arlington with a cross-town limo crawl and private entertainment in the bride’s Benson Hotel suite.

6

Good Neighbor natural food store founders Jackie Eades, Carter Rutherford, Arthur Abernathy, and Ronnie Hollingsworth announced their October 15 buyout by national grocer Kroberg with a bottle of organic cava and an intimate bash at the Multnomah Athletic Club.

7

PDX INDEX

Sneering by Johannes Lundbeck

Number of sneers administered within the w Pearl District during 2012—as estimated by 2 1, tthe Portland 8 5 City Bureau 7 6, 9 of Keeping Rich White People Happy (a shadow organization also known nown as tthe he Po P Portland rtland Business Alliance).

7

Number of days Stephanie Ardenwald, a 67-year-old resident of the Pearl, went without sneering. (Sh (She claims l i tto h have been suffering from intestinal parasites, curtailing her ability to sneer.) The average number of sneers given whenever the words “Occupy Portland” are mentioned.

1,052

5,436 The number of times the Pearl District “Loo” has been used by the homeless. The number of Pearl residents who sneered after reading the above factoid.

19

2 10,

1889

The year the Oregonian first sneered—declaring Portland “the most filthy city in the Northern states.”

241,988

Number of times the Oregonian has sneered since then.

0

Number of sneers given by the residents of Manhattan, who have never heard of and therefore can’t be bothered with the Pearl District.

The guests we’d most like at our dinner table this month.

a bird on his plate! (Do you understand the jape we just made?) We’ll be serving free-range, Etsy-honored quails to this Portlandia star. We promise they came here to retire. SOMEONE FROM NORTH PORTLAND Because sometimes we simply must eat our vegetables, we’d like to invite a lucky individual from

the other side of the river. Please dress for dinner. PINK MARTINI It’s time for digestifs with this little-known Portland indie rock band in the form of pink martinis. (Another whimsical riposte! Do you understand it?!?) Their cutting-edge music is the reason that Portland’s on the map as

a thriving music town. PACKY Oregon Zoo’s oldest Asian elephant is invited to our rooftop condo to get tipsy on pumpkin port and entitlement. Hopefully Packy can do what the Portland Business Alliance hasn’t and clean up the hoi polloi from Pearl District with a good old-fashioned stampede. PORTLANDMERCURY.COM | OCT 25, 2012 |

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The

Portland´s Most

List

Comprehensive Listing of Lists

that We Are Listing!

37

GOURMAND MARTINI GARNISHES

W

hat Portlander hasn’t been appalled to find a dingy, run-of-the-mill olive floating in their briny martini like some sort of homeless fellow who bathes in the Jamison Square fountain when he thinks we aren’t all at our windows gazing at the lovely multi-hued sun setting on our city’s well-heeled Pearl District denizens as they trek into the evening for fresh artisanals? It’s enough to get your Kiki de Montparnasses in a twist. While we can’t seem to get rid of Ringworm Pete, we can do something about that drab olive with these trendy and affordable new cocktail garnishes: 1. Meyer lemon twist 2. Pickled caper berries 3. Caramel salted caviar yolks 4. Seven tentacles from a virginal Dumbo Octopus caught at 6,000 meters below sea level, de-veined and skewered on a fresh sprig of West Virginia-cooked rosemary 5. A blind orphan’s previously functioning retinal sac, wrung through the zester, served up 6. Chocktaw talking stick breaded with Unobtainium-flecked panko and Leprechaun tears 7. One bar of gold Continued on pg. 87

THE 30 HIPPEST MINORITIES

people were clearly the group to beat. This year they bested their previous score with an incredible 98 points. Behind the increase is the burgeoning number of Thai trucks in the Alder Street pod, as well as the number of your friends who went to Thailand for retreats. Costa Ricans—who topped last year’s list mostly on the basis of their home country’s tourism—have been completely eclipsed. Other factors that made Thais this year’s hippest minority are related to the economy. Asians have made huge gains in the last decade on the strength of mostly positive stereotypes. But when the economy collapsed in 2008, the Thai people maintained all their pre-recession swagger without having an economically threatening homeland. If you’re adopting a Thai baby, we suggest pairing it with a disadvantaged child from the American South.

2.

B

y far, the most important demographic trend of the last 10 years is the rise of minorities. But while it’s too late for you to get in on the leading edge of this trend by becoming a minority, there’s still time to marry one so your children will be at least partially chic. To help you figure out which minority to build a family around, we conducted weeks of extensive double-blind tests to determine the hippest minorities based on a strict 100-point scale. We drew on numerous local demographic experts, psychologists, and totally not racist scientists.

1.

Thais (98 Points), Thailand After a strong showing in last year’s survey, the Thai

Easter Islanders (91 Points), Easter Island, Chile Easter Islanders are a noble, stone-faced people that can be up to 32 feet tall. Their primary qualification as hip minorities is their extreme rareness. Easter Islanders make up only 0.00000 percent of the American population. If you are somehow able to adopt an Easter Islander, you may be required to return them to the Chilean government.

3.

Inuit (89 Points), Greenland/Canada/Alaska Probably the most balanced of the minorities this year, the Inuit share many of our Portland values. They are locavores who emphasize sustainability and enjoy the taste of salmon. Their rise on this list this year was mostly due to the recent scientific paper suggesting that most Eskimos don’t actually kiss with their noses. If you’re thinking about adopting an Inuit baby, it’s best not to pair it with a baby seal. They do not get along. Continued on pg. 87

PORTLAND’S 82 BEST GYNECOLOGICAL ASSISTANTS

L

et’s be real, ladies: As we get older, it gets more and more important to maintain the plumbing. We trim the foliage and sculpt the topiary, but if the sprinkler system ain’t working, it’s only a matter of time until your well-groomed lawn turns into a stinking, fetid swamp. But what most women don’t realize is that even more than finding a good gynecologist, it’s important to find a good gynecological assistant. These gatekeepers of the ’gine are the ones who keep the examination table clean, who decide whether the stirrups are lined with sheepskin or boiled leather, who palpitate your labia in order to prep you for exam. In other words: A good gynecologist’s assistant makes the difference between a good vag-plumbing experience and a great one. Our cervixes are bloody and raw from testing out more than 600 Portland gynecologists, but the bloody urine and agonizing pain during intercourse paid off: We’ve put together a list of Portland’s 82 best gynecological assistants. 1. Sage at Yoni Temple—A popular assistant at the Yoni Temple in Southwest Portland, dexterous Sage provides tension-releasing massage while avoiding awkward eye contact. 2. Trisha at Franklin—Who feels comfortable in a crinkly blue hospital gown? Thoughtful Trisha provides raw silk robes in a variety of colors, hand chosen to complement your hair “down there.” 3. Genie at Angie’s In and Out—Unlike the Chatty Cathys at other offices, Genie doesn’t try to make small talk while knuckle-deep in your cooze. Continued on pg. 87

PORTLANDMERCURY.COM | OCT 25, 2012 |

7


Multnomah County Animal Services

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It’s Greek. It’s Freak. It’s Cheek to Cheek.

BACCHANAL BALLROOM HAPPY HOUR WITH AN EDGE featuring THE BAWDY BEAUTIFUL REVIEW & DJ ZIMMIE 5:30–8:30 P.M. tHurSDaYS in nOVeMBer at the PORTLAND ART MUSEUM sponsored by

8 | OCT 25, 2012 | PORTLANDMERCURY.COM

portlandartmuseum.org/bacchanal


THE TOP 19 ARTISANAL BAKING SODAS L

ike any self-respecting citizen of a city steeped in culinary superiority, you already have the basics: Vatican olive oil, fair-trade butcher’s string, and salt harvested from the shells of loggerhead sea turtles. So why let the quality of your kitchen be brought down by an offensively ho-hum baking soda? Especially while there are so many exciting new iterations in the marketplace. Here’s a guide to 19 of our favorites from what’s being called a small-batch baking soda renaissance. Most can be found at the Papeete Farmers’ Market in Bora Bora, or online at cookingwithclass.com (a $500 fee gets you an unlimited membership password usable for one year).

sory also features gold leafing to banish the smell of rotting lettuce and poverty from your food storage and your mind. 2. One Percent: A new arrival from the folks behind the Singaporean black diamond trade. For an unexpected twist, try a sprinkle to finish a single-malt Scotch cocktail—we’re serious, it’s that good! 3. Frank’s Taj Mahal: Try this Indian-inspired take as a spicy complement to your next cheese plate, or use it to perk up any old lobster, Kobe steak, or swiftlet nest. The Frank Gehry-designed packaging makes it worthy of countertop storage, too.

1. Thai Refrigerator Jewel: A breakthrough blend with notes of espresso and elephant dung, this jewel-embellished acces-

Continued on pg. 87

QUAILS THE NEW CHICKENS

14 HERBAL PROCTOLOGISTS YOU SIMPLY MUST TRY

E

ven the elegant among us can get an aggressive case of the piles, but lest we end up like Ringworm Pete—whose undercarriage is as unsightly and wanton as walking the furthest reaches of the Esplanade on a hot August afternoon—we must turn to our city’s finest experts in herbal remedies to soothe our chuffed inflammations.

HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE

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This R-Series focuses on comfort with 13 adjustable cup holders. Six across the top (fits water bottles, Starbucks cups, or kombucha bottles), plus three for each of the babies (sippy cups, apple sauce, or kombucha) and room for the dog’s kombucha.

othing symbolizes Portland’s recent evolution like our changing attitudes toward backyard novelty birds. Five years ago, Portland’s homemaking scene was just finding its footing. Home-jarred pickles lined every pantry; quaint, hand-knitted cozies sheltered every beer; and in every backyard? A couple of plump hens, pecking peckishly away at the kitchen scraps. But those were veritable frontier days, and the city’s aesthetic has undeniably changed in the years since: The rugged, bearded outdoorsman, clad in Danner boots and a Pendleton button-down, has replaced the teadrinking, cardigan-wearing twee fan who so defined our city in the early aughts. Beer cozies have gone the way of the beer can: Obsolete, in a town where every basement boasts a kegerator full of home-brewed beer. And where black-lava salt once seemed the cutting edge of Portland’s sodiumchloride scene, these days the true salt connoisseur wouldn’t be caught dead in an artisan salt shop, preferring to harvest their own at the Oregon Coast. (A few intrepid souls are even beginning to harvest heartbreak: Salt made from human tears takes “DIY” to an intimate new level.) And as for those chickens? It’s off to the feathery abattoir. Once a proud symbol of food independence, the few chickens remaining in Portland coops have come to seem tragically out-ofdate next to the newest fowl to catch Portland’s fancy: the quail. Chickens carry an undeniable waft of hearth and home, a comforting, maternal familiarity embodied in over-sized eggs and endless needy clucking. The hardier quail, housed in a hand-crafted coop made from salvaged materials, represents a triumph of man over nature, a taming of the wild beast without and within. As game birds replace chickens, it’s a decisively masculine moment for a city historically more comfortable with its feminine side.

Continued on pg. 87

Continued on pg. 87

1. Dr. Russell Angus. Not only adept at getting things out as he is at putting things in, Leedy is a talented practitioner of the buttock sciences. Plus, his hands are very warm. Unerring, even. 2. Dr. Amanda Pokenprod. She’s known as the Patch Adams of Portland’s thriving herbal proctology industry. 3. Dr. Elizabeth Von Wakefield. Graduating at the top of her class from the Oregon School of Natural Incontinence and Healthy Sphincters, Von Wakefield is a thorough medical professional. Her bedside manner is unflappable, even when confronted with such medical inquiries as “What’s wrong with me, Doc?” and “OH GAWD, am I pooping right now? It feels like I’m pooping!!” Her unexpected and effective herbal remedies (“Go suck an egg!”) have made her very popular—so expect to wait until “Hell freezes over” to book your follow-up. 4. Blackjack Swivelskin. While not accredited… or licensed… or, for that matter, a proctologist, you know what they say about desperate times. Blackjack provides examinations and diagnoses as homespun as, “What, what in the butt!” while toothlessly laughing and pointing at his patients’ posteriors. His dandelion root and tansy poultices have done wonders for the indigenous population of the Portland Loos, while his cure-all for Park Place residents is a reasonably priced $3,323 tincture of Kentucky Bluegrass and Mad Dog dilutions. Simply ask for the “Bum Bum” on your next excursion through the Park Blocks. Continued on pg. 87

BEST GIFTS UNDER $18,000

I

t’s never too early to start thinking about the holidays—but, as in years past, times are tight. So this year, we’ve worked hard to make sure that most of our suggested gifts are at—or below!—the wallet-friendly price of $18,000. We still think our list of thrifty goodies will bring plenty of delight to you and yours this yuletide season. • A week’s worth of groceries at New Seasons ($645) • Foie gras for two at Genoa ($1,250) • Indentured Thai laborer ($3,000) • Merritt Paulson teaches you to scream at Major League Soccer referees, followed by a private party in one of Jeld-Wen Field’s luxurious Pavilion Suites ($7,000) • Modest winter wardrobe makeover at Mario’s ($13,275) • Tuition for your two youngest angels at Our Lady of the Lake Catholic School, Lake Oswego ($17,350) • Merritt Paulson allows you to personally scream at him in a luxurious Jeld-Wen Field Pavilion Suite, then watch as he is debased by an indentured Thai laborer ($17,999) • Charlie Hales ($750,000—True, we’re going over our limit… but developers? He’s worth every penny!) Continued on pg. 87

THE BEST STROLLERS UNDER $10,000 P

icking out the perfect stroller is as hard as selecting the perfect child. You want something that complements your lifestyle, achieves your dreams, and looks great at your mall-walking club. But you also don’t want to break the bank.

2012 Toddler Trotter Collector’s Edition ($9,999.74) Ideal for those seeking flexibility. The TT has seats that can face any direction and convert easily into car seats, bike wagons, or mini tents for camping.

Buggymate Seatpal Eco ($9,999.16) As you know, the sight of plastic can damage babies emotionally. For the Seatpal Eco, Buggymate opted for solid bamboo construction with reclaimed brass fittings. (Note: Not stable for jogging or brisk walking.)

BMW R-Series ($9,999.81)

PORTLANDMERCURY.COM | OCT 25, 2012 |

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10 | OCT 25, 2012 | PORTLANDMERCURY.COM


PORTLAND’S 147 W MOST INDIE-EST INDIE BANDS

hat is “indie”? You’ve probably heard about it—either from the minxy barista at your favorite Starbucks, or from that churlish valet on NW 21st Avenue, or from that child of yours during your last conversation six months ago. It’s called “indie,” and it’s the coolest new thing in music since Christopher Cross. Indie is actually short for “independent,” and it’s truly on the cutting edge, offering up a no-holds-barred twist on the rock ’n’ roll you dimly remember from your early 30s. Buckle up, because this is gonna be one wild ride!

1. Everclear That’s right, this band named itself after a high-proof alcohol! And that’s exactly what you’re gonna get: The longtime Portland band situates their party-time anthems just on the south side of crazy. Bring earplugs, ’cause these guys know how to rock. 2. The Decemberists Look, we’ll be honest: These folks might be a little too “out there” for most of you; for Pete’s sake, they named an album Picaresque, which isn’t even a real word. The Decemberists play songs about murder, war, ghosts, and giant maneating whales, and they even released a death-metal concept album, 2009’s The Hazards of Love. Extreme thrill-seekers (read: that bearded fellow with all the tattoos you sometimes drive past at the bus stop) should love ’em; everyone else will be rightly terrified. Tread cautiously, and bring earplugs. 3. Coldplay Okay, okay, they’re not from Portland. You got us! But they’re just so gosh-darn good, we had to include ’em! (Bring earplugs.) 4. Oregon Symphony We know what you’re thinking: the orchestra? But get this: The Oregon Symphony sometimes lets down their hair and performs all sorts of wild, wacky stuff. This season alone includes works by heavy rockers like Billy Joel, the Indigo Girls, Johnny Mathis, and… Continued on pg. 87

96 BEST PORTLAND

DOG

PEDICURISTS

THE 39 LEAST INFLUENTIAL PORTLANDERS

#39: Guy with the Abraham Lincoln hat riding a tall bike #38: Tweaker dancing with scarves around the Skidmore Fountain #37: Commissioner Dan Saltzman #36: Single mother of three inconsolably sobbing in front of Hot Dog on a Stick at the Lloyd Mall #35: The Oregonian “Foodday” circular #34: Anyone standing or walking on the Burnside Bridge right now #33: KATU anchor Steve Dunn #32: The guy standing on a corner swinging the “Mattress Closeout!” sign #31: 10th grader Len Hadley who has been turned down six times by Jenny Mitchell (who’s, like, the hottest senior at Franklin High) #30: The Willamette River #29: OregonLive commenters #28: Fire twirlers #27: Anyone trying to protest NE Alberta’s Last Thursday THE NEW WORKOUT THAT’S TAKING THE WORLD BY SNORE #26: Victoria Taft #25: The cast and crew of Leverage was in a Yin yoga class when I heard a strange noise next to me,” says Susan Barrister, the #24: The Portland Mercury editorial founder of SW Yoga Express, recounting the moment that changed her life. “Somebody board falls asleep in every yoga class I’ve ever taken, but the snoring was so unabashed, I started won#23: Harvey Johnson—he’s just a dering if maybe I was the weird one for not falling asleep.” random senior citizen Barrister talked to yoga instructors, spiritual counselors, and her life coach before opening her #22: Craig Marquardo of the Portown studio in Goose Hollow that focuses on Nap Yoga. “Everybody thought nappers were a huge land Music Awards problem, but nobody else saw it as an opportunity. Why would they give us little mattresses and play #21: The sleeping kid from the matsuch soothing music if they wanted us to stay awake?” tress commercial But it isn’t just a rejuvenating bit of shut-eye that people are looking for. Barrister also noticed #20: The Real World: Portland that people were napping in poses that would probably work on and strengthen specific muscle #19: Daniel Baldwin groups as well. #18: TriMet riders “The science behind Nap Yoga will be real, once it’s conducted,” says Barrister, who adds that #17: The guy who sits in the front of she doesn’t really believe in the scientific method. For now, she’s confident she’s helping people. the bus and tells everyone how he’d “When people wake up, they’re usually a bit disoriented, and then they have to rush back to run the city work. But they seem happy.” #16: Byron Beck/Storm Large (tie) The key to Nap Yoga is the modification of classic poses to maintain a moderate #15: Park rangers who try to stop people stretch even while you’re passed out. Poses like Drowsy Dog and Siesta Salutations from drinking in Colonel Summers Park are both soothing and strengthening. Yoga Express also features extra thick mats #14: The Rose Princess for side nappers. #13: Charlie Hales The response has been strong. “I never really understood the spiritual #12: Toddlers in cargo bikes part of yoga; I just liked wearing the comfy pants,” says Christine Mal#11: Oregonian publisher, N. Christian Anderson III lory, one of Barrister’s first yogis. “Susan’s classes really give me #10: Anyone dressed as a pirate that opportunity.” #9: Jefferson Smith #8: Jefferson Smith’s dog’s Twitter account Susan Barrister’s “Nap Yoga” studio is open #7: Those employees of the Portland Spirit Monday-Friday from that try to get you on board by standing at 2-3:15 pm. the top of the ramp and just lurking there all creepy style 1. Shitzu Good Lookin’! (2433 NW NW 21st) #6: Artisanal vegans 23rd) 7. Howl’s Your Hair? (9087 NW 23rd) #5: Rock ’n’ Roll Camp for Girls graduates 2. Bark, Bath, and Beyond (4256 NW 8. Butt Pugly Eco-Dog Washery (9198 #4: Razor blade and deodorant manufacturers 21st) NW 23rd) #3. Fluoride conspiracy theorists 3. Pregnant Paws: Dog Midwoofery 9. Canine Inch Nails Organic Puppy#2. Packy the elephant and Barkini Waxing (1616 NW 21st) cures (8089 NW 23rd) 4. Stank You Very Much (1115 NW 23rd) 10. Hound by the Pound And the #1 “least influential person in Portland” 5. The Drooling Class: Exclusive (245 N Lombard) is… Dobermanicures (1616 NW 23rd) 6. Ayiyiyi! The Chiwawawashery (3245 Continued on pg. 87 Continued on pg. 87

NAP YOGA:

“I

TOP 10 TRAVEL DESTINATIONS FOR PORTLANDERS WITH IN-HOME TELEPORTERS 1. Statue of Liberty. New York is for the birds! … and people with personal teleporters! The only way to see the Big Apple is from the top of Ms. Liberty’s crown, so pack the baguette, brie, and fave Arc’teryx parka and aim high for a “spike” of life! 2. The Oval Office. Give commander-in-chief life a whirl when you beam into Obama’s quarters after hours! Skip the insufferable, tourist-clogged White House tours and transport yourself directly into the plush chair of “Big O”! 3. Arrakis. Hot, hot, hot! Strap on your Popina bikini and beam yourself to the spiciest planet of the Padishah Emperor’s Imperial solar system. No beaches, just endless miles of curvaceous

hellscape, and that means fewer tourists to hog the few delicious drops of moisture that you’ll come to savor during your sizzling vacay! 4. Southern Oregon Wine Festival. This surprise pick fulfills our contractual obligation to use the phrase “Oregon wine country” in every issue! It’s a barrel of laughs! Great mountain biking! 5. Easter Island. Brunch at Mother’s, again? This April, ditch the brunch crowd and plan the holiday of a lifetime in the world’s number-one novelty egg hunt location! Continued on pg. 87

PORTLANDMERCURY.COM | OCT 25, 2012 |

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happy.com


PORTLAND’S TOP 17 NON-GASEOUS ELEMENTS

1. Boron (B). Despite its name, Boron is anything but boring. Its inertness might fool you, but put this baby in some hot nitric acid, and watch out!

2. Molybdenum (Mo). This cute little number is used to gussy up steel and other hot, happening alloys. It’s an ashy silver color and can be used to accessorize just about anything, from your most divine haute couture down to your everyday Bulgari. 3. Lead (Pb). That’s right, good old-fashioned lead. Sure, it’s poisonous, but sometimes you just want something classic. 4. Cadmium (Cd). Like you, this one simply gets better with age. Boasting one of the most stable isotopes in town, this one’s good for home and on the go! 5. Platinum (P). If the host at the next party you attend doesn’t immediately offer you some platinum upon arrival, simply walk back out the front door without a word. You deserve better treatment. 6. Fluorine (F). All right, you caught us! We said non-gaseous elements. But no list is complete without some tawny, lustrous fluorine, and we don’t care how gassy it is.

INSANE MOUNTAINS INSPIRED FILMMAKING ASTOUNDING ATHLETES

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Continued on pg. 87

32

INTRIGUING NEW SQUIRRELS FOR FALL

PORTLAND BAGDAD THEATER & PUB

SATURDAY, OCT. 20 5:00 & 9:00 PM SUNDAY, OCT. 21 6:00 PM ARLENE SCHNITZER CONCERT HALL

FRIDAY, OCT. 26

7:30 PM

SALEM ELSINORE THEATRE

SATURDAY, OCT. 27

I

t’s squirrel season in the Pearl! There may not be much to do for fun in our otherwise vibrant urban community, but soon the squirrels will be out in droves and we’ve got the hot scoop on all the new players in town. 1. Don Squirrelo Ardilla. This feisty Castilian fellow may have lost an eye to a crow, but you wouldn’t know it by the swish of his tail or the rakish angle of his whiskers. 2. Dr. Fuzzchops P. Lambkin. Laughter is the best medicine, and while squirrels, or indeed any rodent, lack the cognitive capacity for humor, you’ll be splitting your sides at the sight of her chubby cheeks. 3. Harv “Hardcase” McNutty. This husky lad looks like he could star in a squirrel-based buddy cop movie! Like, he’s a squirrel who follows all the rules, but his partner, also a squirrel or maybe Will Ferrell, won’t follow any rules at all. Next stop: Hollywood! 4. Osgood Chitterton III. You’ll spot this dapper swain from a mile away. He’s got the style and élan of a young Western gray squirrel, but the dash and verve of an American red. 5. Leonard F. Schuyler, MSc. Leonard isn’t a squirrel in the traditional sense, in that he’s not a squirrel. He’s a chiropractor. But he didn’t make it onto our “57 Chiropractors Under 57” list and we felt like cutting him a break. 6. Murdery, the Squirrel Who Murders. Don’t worry, it’s just a nickname. A squirrel could never murder a person, no matter how skilled they are with a blade.

TICKETING Tickets available at Mountain Shop. Also available at: BAGDAD THEATER: cascadetickets.com (855.CAS.TIXX) and the Bagdad Theater box office (503.249.7474) ARLENE SCHNITZER: TicketsWest.com (800.325.SEAT) and PCPA box office (pcpa.com, 503.946.7272) SALEM: TicketsWest.com (800.325.SEAT) and the Elsinore Theatre box office (503.375.3574) SAVE ON TICKETS Buy 10 or more tickets and get $2 off every full price ticket, FREE SHIPPING, & a download card for a

CALL NOW: (800) 523-7117

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Continued on pg. 87

THE TOP

14 LISTS IN THIS ISSUE

N

o one lists like we list, so here’s the best lists that we listed in this “Lists” issue of lists. 1. Portland’s Most Gauche Sommeliers (pg. 68) 2. 92 Neighborhoods You Wouldn’t Be Caught Dead In (pg. 89) 3. Top 36 Varietal Pinot Noir Pairings that Celeste Davenport (That Bitch) Knows Nothing About (pg. 102) 4. The 26 Portland Venture Capitalists We’d Love to Blow (pg. 59)

5. Holistic Day Spas: The Ones that Aren’t Run by Witches (pg. 63) 6. The 106 Best Portland Art Galleries that Exclusively Feature Shiny Pieces of Driftwood (pg. 91) 7. Laughing Mirthlessly: 23 New Variations! (pg. 72) 8. The 19 Hottest Ways to Disguise Your Addiction to Pain Meds (pg. 104) 9. 82 Portland Gays Who Will Feign They’re Your Friend for Cash (pg. 86) 10. The Top Kids’ Immersion Schools that Have Exactly Zero Minority Students (pg. 61) 11. Portland’s Sexiest Ear, Nose and Throat Specialists (pg. 74) 12. 37 Homeless Charities: Snort. You’re Kidding Right? (pg. 99) 13. 224 Thinly Veiled Advertorial Suggestions for the Perfect Holiday Gift! (Brought to you by Saks Fifth Avenue in Bridgeport Village) (pg. 57) 14. Portland’s Most Powerful, Handsomest, and Wittiest Rich People from the Very Best of Families that Could Probably Really Use Their Own Vanity Magazine to Promote Their Fabulous Exploits and Also Those of Their Wealthy Friends (pg. 109)

7:30 PM

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PORTLANDMERCURY.COM | OCT 25, 2012 |

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Alberta Rose Theatre Thursday, October 25th

Fri 10/26

Psychro · Big Small 9:30 p.m.

THICKER THAN WATER A BENEFIT FOR A FRIEND FEATURING

THE DRUTHERS • MYRRH LARSEN • ADRIANNE GUNN

Friday, October 26th

FUNK ‘N ZYDECO

HALLOWEEN BASH

NEW IBERIANS & PHILLY’S PHUNKESTRA

Saturday, October 27th

Sat 10/27

CLASSIAL REVOLUTION PDX:

Halloween w/ Garcia Birthday Band

DECOMPOSED

Wed 10/31

SPOOKY HALLOWEEN CHAMBER MUSIC PERFORMED WITH SCARY FILMS & AERIAL PERFORMANCES

9:30 p.m.

The Resolectrics Police Cars The Tomorrow People 8:30 p.m.

thursday, october 25 5:30 p.m. is “eagle time”

brothers oF the houNd

the aPheLIotroPIc orchestra MagIc beets 9 p.m.

FrIday, october 26 5:30 p.m. is “eagle time”

reverb brothers saturday, october 27 4:30 p.m. is “eagle time”

the studeNt LoaN suNday, october 28

oPeN MIc/sINger soNgwrIter showcase

featuring portland’s finest talent 6:30 p.m. sign-up; 7 p.m. music

MoNday, october 29

Leo

8:30 p.m.

tuesday, october 30

“add Love showcase” w/ wILL west, the druthers, the saLe & sPecIaL guests

Sunday, October 28th AFTON PRESENTS

CRIS KELLY COUNTERFEIT CASH PLUS GUESTS Thursday, November 2nd

STEVE FORBERT TWO ! S SHOW

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RUBELLA GRAVES LONE MADRONE JACKRABBIT MARCA LUNA VOLIFONIX FRAME BY FRAME THE ROYALTY GRAND TARANTULA BEND SINISTER THE HOONS

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(503) 764-4131 3000 NE Alberta AlbertaRoseTheatre.com 14 Portland Mercury October 25, 2012


MY, WHAT A BUSY WEEK!

OUR ARTS AND ENTERTAINMENT PICKS FOR THE WEEK OF OCTOBER 25-31 THURSDAY, OCTOBER 25 THE AMAZING RACIST—The adage goes, “It’s funny because it’s true.” When it comes to Ari Shaffir, it’s indeed funny because it’s true, and it’s so true it hurts, and you really don’t have any choice but to laugh, because it’s either that or start beating people. BR Helium Comedy Club, 1510 SE 9th, Thurs 8 pm, Fri-Sat 7:30 & 10 pm, $15-25

BUCK UP—Seeing English eccentric Robyn Hitchcock would be reason enough to leave the house, but throw in Young Fresh Fellows and an opening set from REM’s Peter Buck, who just released his Portland-recorded fi rst solo album, and you’ve got the most illustrious bill in town. NL Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside, 9 pm, $18-20

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 26 PARTY ON—Where better to celebrate Halloween than in a creepy old warehouse under the Hawthorne Bridge with a huge cumbia band? Nowhere, that’s where. Get your sexy bumblebee/trashcan/Romney/whatever costume on and head to the Oregon Cement Building for a party-down time with Sun Angle and the Orquestra Pacifico Tropical. SM w/1939 Ensemble, Gulls, Electric Ill; Oregon Cement Building, 111 SE Madison, 8 pm, $5-10, 21+, BYOB

WHORES OF YORE—The history fanatics behind the podcast Kick Ass Oregon History are determined to prove the past isn’t boring. They make a good case with the sortaHalloween-themed show about the history of Portland’s brothels, and the long-dead sex workers who haunt them. Plus! A 35mm screening of arguably the best prostitute movie of all time: Midnight Cowboy. AH Mission Theater, 1624 NW Glisan, 9 pm, $6-8, 21+

SOLD

OUT

Table of Contents and Bullē Classic by Marjorie Skinner THE GRADUAL evolution of the edge of Old Town that brims at the lip of West Burnside just scored itself another major point on the “higher end” side of the ledger. Adding to the area’s newly revamped social services buildings, well-intended yet poorly conceived four-way stop sign intersections, and plans for hipster apartments and hotels, comes Table of Contents (33 NW 4th). Joining neighboring establishments that similarly bode the area’s aspirations—Hand-Eye Supply, Ping—TOC is the first truly upscale clothing and housewares boutique to break the ice in an area that’s typically ventured no further than the urban streetwear of Compound and Upper Playground. In fact, the inner Northwest’s other recent retail acquisition, Bullē Classic (937 NW Glisan), is very much in that streetwear vein, featuring lo-

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 27 LET’S GO—Exuberance! Jumping! Dancing! Matt and Kim’s live shows have plenty of bounce for the ounce. The boppin’ duo are touring on their recently released album, Lightning, which is full of melodic beats, catchy bleeps and bloops, and Matt Johnson’s enthusiastic, nasally singing. Wear your party pants! CF w/Oberhofer; Roseland, 8 NW 6th, 8 pm, $20-23, all ages

HOMOWEEN—The gayest holiday just got gayer. Wicked Awesome, a big queer Halloween dance party, is back for the third year in a row—now with numerous cover bands, DJs, and a costume contest. Put on your Dorothy slippers (or chaps) and boogie down to tracks from B-52s cover band Planet Claire. It doesn’t get any more fabulous than that! RF w/Judas H. Priest, Thee Zombettes, Bomb Ass Pussy, & more; Plan B, 1305 SE 8th, 8 pm $8

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 28 HALLOWEEN GIRLS—The Suicide Notes combine all the harmonizing girl-group fun of the ShangriLas with the rock ’n’ roll garage goodness of the Ramones. With this free Halloween show, expect some great coordinating costumes and more Sunday evening drinks than bad-boy Jimmy drank before speeding through Dead Man’s Curve (a lot!). CF w/Modern Lives; Rontoms, 600 E Burnside, 9 pm, FREE

ECTOPLASMIC ENTITIES—Halloween is the holiday with the best movies, and here’s indisputable proof: This week, 5th Avenue. Cinema has The Cabin in the Woods, the Laurelhurst has Ghostbusters, the Academy has The Blair Witch Project, and the Hollywood has Evil Dead 2. SEE THEM ALL. EH Various theaters, go to portlandmercury.com for show times

MONDAY, OCTOBER 29 POST-FOLK—With their winding brambles of guitars and BAD MOTHER EARTH—What’s scarier than banjos, Buxton might have sounded like one of a zillion fictionalized zombies and spooks? Reality! And the other Americana folk acts. But the Houston five-piece’s reality is you’re far more likely to meet your end at oddball songs and eerily compelling arrangements make the hand of a horrific ecological consequence like for a sound far more airy than earthy. Buxton doesn’t so the irradiated flesh-eating monster types featured in much uphold musical traditions as upend them. NL Christian Divine’s Eco-Horror Spooktacular, a survey w/Chamberlin; Bunk Bar, 1028 SE Water, of clips from Soylent Green to Willard. MS 9 pm, $10 Hollywood Theatre, 4122 NE Sandy, 7 pm, $7

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 30 MURDER KITTIES!—Theoatmeal.com’s Matthew Inman pretty much owns the internet, because the internet is utterly at the mercy of adorable cat comics, which just so happen to be Inman’s specialty. His newest collection, How to Tell if Your Cat Is Plotting to Kill You, explores the uneasy peace between humans and felines, AKA “man’s adorable little serial killers.” AH Powell’s City of Books, 1005 W Burnside, 7:30 pm, FREE

NAKED GIRLS! READING!—Probably the best thing that has ever been invented, Naked Girls Reading has… uh… naked girls. Reading aloud. Like a regular, boring book reading… but sexy. And not only does this installment have a horror theme, but it’ll be followed by a show from local favorites Critical Hit Burlesque. EH Star Theater, 13 NW 6th, reading at 8 pm, burlesque at 10 pm, $10-18, 21+

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 31 ZOMBIE BOAT—How do we contain Portland’s zombies? By putting them on a motherfuckin’ BOAT, y’all! Join the rest of the zombies for Zombie Prom on the Portland Spirit—a three-hour cruise for the undead that features DJs, booze, food, and no surprise beheadings at the end. WSH Portland Spirit, 1000 SW Naito, 8 pm, $20, 21+, portlandspirit.com/ zombiecruise

AND HERE…WE…GO!— Our long autumn of useless basketball scrimmaging is over, and the Portland Trail Blazers can get on with their Sisyphean climb toward respectability. Putting the stacked and sneering LA Lakers back on their heels would be a hell of a start. BR Rose Garden, 1 Center Court, 7:30 pm, $59-349

TWO FEARS—What kind of fear do you want on this Halloween hump day? The glamorous, dark art-house of the Miracles Club? Or the intimidating, night-worshipping punk of Pierced Arrows, which shows its face rarely outside of this annual night? Pick your poison, my pretty. MS The Miracles Club, Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi, 9 pm, $10-12; Pierced Arrows, Ash Street Saloon, 225 SW Ash, 9:30 pm, $8

DE cal industry-inspired nautical and timber themes on sweatshirts, T-shirts, and hats designed by partners Nichalus Woolley and Aaron Moiel, as well as Woolley’s jewelry designs and complementary sneaker pairings. If anything, its situation on NW 10th would feel more appropriate to an establishment like TOC, and vice versa. You still might feel a little self-conscious coming in and out of Bullē while one block over stands Right 2 Dream Too, the most visible reminder of the city’s housing problem, but TOC may as well be on another planet. With glossy white environs inspired by Joseph Magliaro and Shu Hung’s affection for publications, and a roster of brands one might recognize (Comme des Garçons, Correll Correll, Henrik Vibskov, Opening Ceremony, Patrik Ervell, Slow and Steady Wins the Race), TOC’s stock in trade isn’t foreign to the city’s boutique holdings overall, but it is certainly unique to the neighborhood. Rather than limit itself to clothing, TOC also appeals to a modern eye for literature and houseware designs. At least in its infancy, TOC does not seem overly concerned with utilitarianism; there is little here you truly need for your apartment, thus making it somewhat more difficult to fall into self-justifications like buying an Italian cherry wood citrus juicer because, hey, you really do need a citrus juicer. Instead its products tend toward the whimsical: a towering carved-wood spiral is purely decorative. A magazine rack’s accomodation of reading material is secondary to the uniqueness of its shape. The dishware doesn’t need to be touched. It’s the type of place that can fire the imagination, leaving plenty of room to imprint yourself on the collection, separate each piece from its showroom and become something new in the context of an individual. It’s just not clear yet when those individuals will actually start living in the neighborhood.

October 25, 2012 Portland Mercury 15


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NEWS

The Happy Rangers

Despite the PBA’s Concerns, City Succeeds with Gentler Touch in Parks by Denis C. Theriault IT WAS MORE than a year ago, in October 2011, when City Commissioner Nick Fish first made an announcement that shook the ground beneath the Portland Business Alliance (PBA)—a vociferous defender of downtown “livability” and one of the city’s most influential lobbying groups. Fish—looking to stretch the city’s parks budget—wanted to cancel a 15-year contract and boot the PBA’s private security force, Portland Patrol, Inc. (PPI), from downtown parks. He hoped to replace them with newly hired park rangers who would answer directly to the city. Complaining loudly that public safety would be compromised, and stung by the prospect of losing $530,000 a year, the PBA mustered enough muscle to bring about a brief delay. But this May, the first rangers went on patrol. And now, armed with preliminary statistics, buy-in from the cops, and kind words from downtown residents, Fish and his staff are finally ready to crow about a disaster that never happened. “I’ve had no negative feedback from the PBA,” says Fish. “The reason for making the change wasn’t because we were declaring war. We thought there was a better way to spend limited dollars.” Putting the parks bureau back in charge of its own security marked a big shift for Portland after years of creeping privatization of public safety—and a steady drone of questions and complaints about accountability, sanitization, and rough treatment of the homeless. Right now, the PBA still sends security pa-

trols over dozens of blocks downtown and into the city’s parking garages, while also paying the salaries of four police officers. And even

DEVON DEVEREAUX

the new ranger program retains an element of privatization: Pacific Patrol Services, which minds Pioneer Courthouse Square, has been hired to patrol downtown parks at night. But by reclaiming some of that work, officials say, the city has found a path that does more with less. The rangers cover more ground than the guards, and in fewer shifts: They now frequent five extra parks in downtown. And they have been trained by social services agencies to help connect people in crisis to housing help. That gentle touch is encouraged. Rangers get to know regulars, and they’re expected to independently handle most problems—dispensing warnings and park exclusions without resorting to arrests. Rangers also are unarmed, save for protective pepper spray, but are tied into the police bureau’s radio in case of emergencies.

Political Savagery

NEWS Groups Use Courts to Force Buses to Run Controversial Ads by Sarah Mirk MANY PUBLIC TRANSIT agencies can pick and choose the ads they run inside their buses and trains. Not TriMet—a court case ties Portland’s transit agency’s hands, mandating that TriMet either accepts every ad or forgoes ads entirely and misses out on $5.3 million in annual revenue. That’s bad news for TriMet riders who, over the next four weeks, will be subjected to an ad from a right-wing group that reads, “In any war between the civilized man and the savage, support the civilized man. Support Israel. Defeat jihad.” The “savage” ads are in response to another recent ad that featured a map showing the loss of Palestinian territory and noted the ongoing conflict with Israel has created 4.7 million refugees. While TriMet and other transit agencies have tried to keep their ad space politically neutral, that stance has irritated free speech advocates and political groups— sparking court fights in the Northwest and

BALLOT GOT YOU STUMPED?

around the nation. Bus ad space has become a bizarre battleground for the Israel-Palestine conflict, in particular, and other political fights. And now transit agencies in New York City, San Francisco, and Washington, DC, are all scrambling to see whether they can legally ban the “savage” ads. Seattle’s King County Metro argued in court last month with the American Civil Liberties Union, who said the agency violated free speech rights by rejecting an ad about “Israeli war crimes.” In the midst of the court battle, King County Metro reaffirmed its policy to run only commercial ads and nonprofit public service announcements—banning ads about politics, ads that express an opinion, and any ads featuring alcohol, tobacco, guns, or “adult material.” Santa Monica’s Big Blue Bus also found itself in hot water this month after it rejected an ad for the Los Angeles AIDS Walk. The bus has run ads for the AIDS Walk for years,

Early statistics provided by Art Hendricks, the parks bureau’s security manager, show more than 800 park violations reported from May through September. The number doesn’t, however, distinguish between warnings and exclusions. According to a Tribune story from this spring, PPI issued 1,202 exclusions and 2,335 warnings in all of 2011, while having cops make 886 arrests. “I’m not paying for police officers to be with the rangers,” Hendricks explains, adding that because “we’re not heavyhanded,” he expects a big difference in the annual numbers. The PBA last year argued loudly that the changes would make conditions worse downtown, not better. Megan Doern, a spokeswoman for the group, wasn’t able to comment before press time on whether the group’s feeling better or worse after seeing the preliminary numbers. But Portland Police Commander Bob Day, who runs the bureau’s Central Precinct, was fairly blunt when asked if the shift has led to problems: “Actually, I’d say it’s gone well.” Israel Bayer, executive director of Street Roots, says he also isn’t hearing any additional complaints from any of the homeless Portlanders who rely on the parks for a place where they can just be. “There are lots of opportunities to work together,” he says of the PBA. “But if we’re going be divided over these small policy things related to sidewalks and parks, then we’re never going get to a place where we’re focusing on the bigger stuff.” but fearing the influx of anti-Israel and antiPalestine ads running nationwide, officials rejected all non-commercial ads this year. Sensing discrimination, organizers took the Big Blue Bus to court, which upheld the transit system’s decision last week. “We have to zealously adhere to our policies,” says Big Blue Bus spokeswoman Suja Lowenthal. “We don’t want to be in a position of saying which speech is fine and which isn’t.” A Multnomah County court felt the opposite way about TriMet’s commercial-ads-only policy, deciding in 2008 that the agency’s refusal to allow a Karuk Indian tribe ad about salmon and dam policies was discriminatory. TriMet has appealed the case to the Supreme Court, but in the meantime must either accept all ads or ditch advertising entirely. Forgoing ad money would mean even more service cuts. “We are disappointed that the sides of our buses and trains have become a medium for divisive discussions, and we apologize to you,” the agency’s marketing director, Drew Blevins, said in a TriMet blog post. One local group is benefiting from the open ad policy, though: Occupy Portland is fundraising $1,750 to run 25 ads on the ceilings of MAX and buses.

VOTING CHEAT SHEET Check out our handy-dandy online voter cheat sheet over at portlandmercury.com and vote on national, state, and local races and measures in style. Comment on these stories at portlandmercury.com

Hall Monitor

NEWS Trust Issues Haunt Charlie Hales by Denis C. Theriault CHARLIE HALES’ mayoral campaign, in some respects, has had a very nice run over the past few weeks. He watched, almost silently, while Jefferson Smith’s campaign endured a rainfall of body blows over Smith’s ineffectual handling of reports on his 1993 assault citation. Hales’ fundraising operation just passed the crucial $1 million milestone—right at the same time as the assault controversy slowed Smith’s team. And Hales’ aides shouted all over social media after five of the city’s newspapers—the Mercury, Skanner, Willamette Week, Tribune, and Oregonian—all gave him their (caveatfilled, reluctant) endorsements. Hales should have been content to bask in an aura of inevitability that’s infected even some of Smith’s most vocal supporters. But Hales being Hales, he couldn’t help but find a way to trip over himself— and remind everyone about the serious trust issues that still haunt his campaign. As the Mercury first reported, Hales sensed a stealthy chance to kick Smith while he was down, sending his rival a letter—couched as an opportunity for both campaigns—suggesting they drop their voluntary limits on campaign contributions when it comes to collecting “inkind” gifts from powerhouse labor unions. The letter was sent right after some of Smith’s best friends in labor—the city’s police and firefighter unions—had unceremoniously dropped him. And it came at the same time as Hales’ own labor supporters, like the Service Employees International Union, made it clear they could be of much greater service. Hales had been first to come forward with contribution limits this summer, announcing he’d take no more than $600 from any individual entity. That promise was always more political than personal— a means of getting ahead of Smith on his own good-government turf. And then, when it was no longer of use (presumably because Hales wanted to unleash his supporters for a finishing ad blitz)—he decided it was time to cast it aside. Then, more disturbing evidence of Hales’ disregard for his promise emerged a couple of days later. That’s when the Oregonian revealed the existence of contribution bundlers the Hales campaign has dubbed “deputy prospects.” By outsourcing fundraising to these “deputy prospects,” by asking them to extract thousands from their own relatives and associates, the Hales campaign had found yet another ingenious way to skirt its voluntary limits. I asked Hales whether the shifting rules for unions should be seen as a signal he’d continue to break promises or change inconvenient rules when elected. His answer was not reassuring. “With any innovation,” he said, “you’ll have some adjustments.” “Adjustments” is one way to say it. Expediency and broken promises is another. October 25, 2012 Portland Mercury 17


18 Portland Mercury October 25, 2012


SEXUAL POLITICS THE PIGHEADED PERVERSION FILES BY SARAH MIRK

T

HE BOY SCOUTS of America are now, arguably, America’s largest anti-gay youth organization. Their long-secret “perversion files”— finally released last week after years of court battles—reveal how the organization has long conflated homosexuality with sexual deviance. I first saw the Scouts’ perversion files two years ago, when their 20,000 pages, stacked in cardboard boxes, were crammed into the small office of Portland lawyer Kelly Clark. The files detail 1,247 men the Boy Scouts blacklisted from 1965 to 1985 for moral issues, and they were crucial in Clark’s landmark 2010 court case that successfully argued the organization was responsible for covering up sexual abuse of Oregon Boy Scouts. Despite that, the files were still secret. The Boy Scouts of America fought tooth-and-nail to keep them out of the public’s hands. They lost. I finally read the files while squeezed into a Seattle-to-Portland bus seat last weekend, the printouts of vintage scrawl—describing sex crimes of 25 Oregon men—spilling out onto the neighboring seat under the dim bus lights. Media nationwide have detailed how the files show the Boy Scouts’ devastating moral limbo: The Scouts considered allegations against these men scary enough that they maintained an elaborate database to keep them away from leading Boy Scouts anywhere in the country, but not criminal enough that they should be reported to the police. When a high-school-aged Scout told troop leaders that the chaplain of the Oregon Coast’s Camp Meriwether had repeatedly “made advances” to him, the national Scouts sent the chaplain a letter saying they regretfully had to ban him, but specifically noted that there would be no legal implications. In another case, two boys reported that troop leader Clyde Brock had taken naked photos of Boy Scouts and then displayed them around his home. The national organization reluctantly kicked him out, but wrote that there was “no reason” why he shouldn’t still be recognized at an upcoming anniversary celebration. “It would help to allay questions about his retirement from the troop,” wrote Scout Executive Guy Miller in the 1968 letter. In addition to this horrific nonchalance, the language of the files reveals the homophobic lens of the Boy Scouts’ leadership. Throughout the Oregon cases, pedophilia and homosexual-

In Other News

SPARROW VS. SWALLOW

ity are treated as equally terrible. Scout volunteer Gregory Benson was accused of molesting a 12-year-old boy. But the official reason for blacklisting him stated on his 1979 file is “police records allege homosexuality.” In 1971, when William Cronenwett was entered into the files for allegedly assaulting a nine-year-old, the write-up also made sure to note that he “has had homosexual tendencies most of his life.” Conflating gayness with sexual abuse was a mainstream standard for the time—homosexuality wasn’t removed from the American Psychiatric Association’s list of official mental disorders until 1973. But the Boy Scouts haven’t advanced past that retro thinking. In the past 20 years, the Scouts have made great strides toward reversing their obviously reprehensible approach toward child abuse in their midst: The Boy Scouts now require “youth protection” training for all their volunteers, prohibit adults from being alone with Scouts and mandate that all adults report suspected abuse to the police. But in July of this year, the Scouts shocked the country by reaffirming their ban on LGBT volunteers. After a two-year examination of the organization’s values and mission, the group’s leaders reiterated a bigoted policy that says gay people are amoral and bad role models. The justification for the policy is that the Boy Scouts’ parents would prefer to “address issues of same-sex orientation within their family.” While the Boy Scouts of America have seen the error of past mistakes, they’re still stubbornly covering for new ones.

by Mercury staff

NO, RON FRASHOUR, the cop fired for the fatal shooting of Aaron Campbell in 2010, won’t be back in uniform any time soon. But in a decision announced by Mayor Sam Adams late Friday, October 19, Frashour has been reinstated as a Portland police officer and will receive nearly two years’ worth of back pay. He’ll remain on paid leave, however, while a legal battle over his dismissal works its way through the Oregon Court of Appeals. An arbitrator and the state Employment Relations Board had both ordered the city to reinstate Frashour; the city is challenging that. The Mercury had first reported that Frashour’s return was “legally possible.” DENIS C. THERIAULT A massive Metro study of 6,450 households has good news: People are driving less and walking, biking, and riding transit more—not just in Portland, but also in the ’burbs. From 1994 to 2011, vehicle miles

NEWS

traveled per person in the region dropped 16 percent, while commuters’ transit use nearly doubled (10.9 percent of people now commute by bus or train). In 1994, only one percent of people in the region (including Vancouver) biked to work. Now 4.6 percent do. Also in the survey: Only 28.5 percent of the region’s adults own a bike. SARAH MIRK But now some more bad news! The firstever study of the health troubles posed by the Port of Portland’s long-discussed plan to pave over 300 acres of West Hayden Island has made clear what’s in store for the hundreds of neighbors who live near the project. Toxic air pollution—the kind that could cause cancer—will increase dramatically. At the same time, observers and advocates warn, property values for those neighbors will wind up plummeting. Presumably balancing out the awful ledger? The study points to new hiking trails. Yay. DCT

FINALLY SOMETHING TO HONK ABOUT, IF PORTLANDERS HONKED.

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Be a better neighbor.

October 25, 2012 Portland Mercury 19


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OCT 25 - 8PM EARLY SHOW - JUDGEMENT DAY OCT 25 - 10PM LATE SHOW - PORTLAND FAMOUS OCT 26 - RASPUTINA & FAUN FABLES OCT 27 - MOULIN ROUGE SING-A-LONG OCT 30 - EARLY 8PM - NAKED GIRLS READING HORROR EDITION OCT 30 - LATE 10PM - DEVILISH NIGHT OF DANCING GHOULS OCT 31 - VAGABOND OPERA’S TRANSYLVANIAN VOODOO BALL NOV 2 - POLYRHYTHMICS + ACORN PROJECT NOV 3 - MR. GNOME + AND AND AND NOV 4 - POR EL FLAMENCO NOV 6 - 8MM NOV 8 - SIGN OF THE BEAST BURLESQUE NOV 9 - MARK EITZEL OF AMERICAN MUSIC CLUB NOV 10 - EARLY SHOW 7PM - BEN SOLLEE NOV 10 - LATE SHOW 10PM - PROJECT NEUROTICA NOV 15 - SONIC SMACKDOWN NOV 16 - ROSEHIP REVUE NOV 17 - MY OH MYS NOV 23 - NICHOLE COOPER & THE JAM CD RELEASE NOV 24 - FOTODOOR’S FANTASY RUNWAY NOV 28 - DICK DALE DEC 1 - DEATH GRIPS DEC 2 - BARFLY XMAS PARTY DEC 4 - 2012 STRIPPIE AWARDS DEC 6 - WORLD/INFERNO FRIENDSHIP SOCIETY + O’DEATH DEC 7 - FRUITION & POLECAT DEC 8 - GIGGLE & BLUSH PEEPSHOW DEC 11 - KOPECKY FAMILY BAND DEC 13 - TY SEGALL & NIGHT BEATS DEC 15 - ALT-J DEC 16 - QUEENS OF THE POLE XMAS SHOW

FRIDAY OCT 26 STAR THEATER $15 ADVANCE TICKETBISCUIT 9PM SHOWTIME

RASPUTINA RASPUTINA WITH FAUN FABLES

20 Portland Mercury October 25, 2012

WITH FAUN FABLES


MUSIC

Another Dollar Rainy Day Weinland Walks the Dinosaur by Ned Lannamann

FORGET CLICK TRACKS—Weinland on nearly every track, and Adam Selzer co- engulfed in the process of being in a band recorded their new album Los Processaur produced in addition to many instrumental and all the stuff that happens—some of it’s contributions.) Elsewhere, the great and some of it’s totally horrible. You’re with a marching bass drum Weinland band puts their pop foot for- just constantly taking your hope out of one beating out the time. “If you Fri Oct 26 & Sat Oct 27 ward, as on the hopeful, stately basket and putting it into another. listen to the record, you’ll hear Mississippi Studios “I was really stuck on the idea that title track, the needle-red “Holy that almost all the songs have 3939 N Mississippi Rose,” and the feelin’-groovy there’s this huge process that we’re gofour-on-the-floor kick drum,” says Weinland frontman Adam Shearer, breeze of “Another Dollar Rainy Day.” And ing through,” Shearer continues. “This is songs like “Saints and Sinners” and “Yessie the fi rst album I’ve made in my 30s, and who held the mallet in many cases. The band was having a bit of a drum- Yames” are some of Shearer’s mer crisis when it came time to record finest efforts as a songwriter the album. Their longtime drummer, Ian to date—richly rewarding Lyles, was away on the road doing lights tunes that sound mature but for acts like Broken Social Scene and never weary. Los Processaur’s seemJoan Baez. So the band thumped out each song’s time on a bass drum during track- ingly misdirectional title is ing, adding guest drummers in later as actually a simple distillation needed. Surprisingly, the result is that of the album’s themes. “I was Los Processaur comes closest to meeting trying to come up with a name the live Weinland experience—a rollick- for the record, which I abhor,” ing, whiskey-dipped carousal—than their says Shearer, who wanted previous, somber recordings. “That’s the a title similar to Weinland’s biggest success of this whole record,” 2008 album La Lamentor, says Shearer, “is that this record actually which he says, in retrospect, sounds like we do live, where none of them is his favorite album title. “It’s a fake word in faux French ever have.” It’s clear from the get-go that this is the that means ‘the hater,’ and litmost fun Weinland has ever sounded on erally no one asked us what it tape. Opening track “Bones Cracking In” meant. We just got away with is a joyful, foot-stomping full-band version calling our record La Lamenof a song first recorded by Shearer’s other tor as a weird Portland folk group, the Alialujah Choir. (It’s worth men- band. So I was trying to think tioning that his Alialujah bandmates feature of something to call this reheavily on Los Processaur; Alia Farah sings cord, and I was really kind of WEINLAND “Beard party!”

Raw Foods

Dan Deacon Goes Organic by Andrew R Tonry

MUSIC

“IT’S NOT THAT I don’t think the apoca- er. We make lunches and breakfasts, and lypse isn’t possible or happening,” says always have snacks that aren’t going to Dan Deacon. “It’s that I’m not waiting for be future cancer cells. Every change you make starts to affect the other.” it. I’m not hoping that it’ll occur.” Dan Deacon Since 2007, when he burst Rather than running for the Thurs Oct 25 on the scene with the pounding, hills, Deacon decided to stay Hawthorne Theatre sharp, and glittering Spiderman put. To engage. “I think as soon 1507 SE 39th of the Rings, Deacon’s musical as someone becomes aware of a problem or situation that they themselves palate become similarly refi ned. Here, are a part of, they instantly have a respon- too, he’s gone organic. “The only track that has any samples sibility to do something about it,” Deacon says. “And that’s sort of how I’m trying on it is ‘True Thrush,’ Deacon says of his to change my life, my role within that latest album, America. Deacon’s embracsystem, and not expect someone else to ing of live instrumentation began with 2009’s Bromst, and America takes it furchange it for me.” Part of that meant changing the way ther. “Any sound that could be achieved he ate. “I have a lot of issues with food,” acoustically was,” he says. In one instance say Deacon. “To me, that’s my fi rst step, Deacon layered a violin track 75 times. “I’m really interested in different texthat the food I get is grown or raised, farmed and delivered, and sold in a way tures of sounds, which is what led me to that is similar to the way I would want to electronics in the fi rst place,” Deacon says. “Obviously electronics and acoustic be treated.” Along with his tour-mates, Deacon instruments have very different limitarides in an old veggie-oil-converted school tions, strengths, and weaknesses. And I’d bus. Instead of having venues provide been working so long with electronics and meals, the group opts for a buyout, which hadn’t had much experience working with they use to stock the bus’ kitchen with or- acoustic instruments that I wanted to dive ganic, locally grown fruits and vegetables. into that world and utilize those timbres… “We make all of our own meals,” Dea- the imperfections they create, the human con says. “We always have dinners togeth- performance, I fi nd that beautiful.”

While the hyperactive, metronomic, and player-piano-like pace of Deacon’s earlier works remains, the live instrumentation—the drums in particular—gives America room to breathe. This vast, wideopen, airy sky is particularly important, as America is a concept album about the country itself. As Deacon told NPR, “The music is definitely inspired by geography. You could really despise every aspect of what you think American culture is, but it’s hard to deny that the land itself is beautiful.” America is evocative of the country’s vast natural landscape, particularly on the

what does that mean and where am I at? I’m a father now, and I’m a homeowner, and all these things are happening that are totally different, but I’m still trying to do rock ’n’ roll at the level where it’s exciting, where you don’t know what’s going to happen next. All the songs are about the process of trying to do this—what it means to be getting older in an industry where you’re not supposed to get older. And [Los Processaur] is a reference to that dinosaur of a process. This process is so big that it can only be a dinosaur, and someday it will be extinct. The process will be over.”

TARINA WESTLUND

22-minute, four-song “USA” suite, which conveys a profound sense of movement— from the mountains to plains, the city to the big sky, cars whipping forward with the windows down and trains chugging on. To the middle of nowhere, sleeping beneath the stars. Unlike Spiderman, which danced around disposable consumer culture, America exhibits a vastly wider emotional range. It is cultured, connected, and built to last. Deacon says. “If I had the same views I had five years ago, I’d be a little confused as to why I hadn’t matured or mentally evolved.”

DAN DEACON “Hey guys! I’m here for the beard party!”

Comment on these stories at portlandmercury.com

SHAWN BRACKBILL

October 25, 2012 Portland Mercury 21


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22 Portland Mercury October 25, 2012


Method of Transport

Cars & Trains’ Stories of the Past by Rebecca Wilson

MUSIC

AFTER SEVERAL long weeks on the history throughout. On “Nations,” a song road, playing in the damp, smoky envi- with chillwave beats, strings, and muffled handclaps, he sings: “To make rons of Central Europe’s cellar Cars & Trains up a story about ancients past/ venues, Portlander Tom Filepp Thurs Oct 25 as if they were perfect, forever speaks in a whisper that bears Berbati stood fast…/There will come a almost no resemblance to the 19 SW 2nd time when all that’s left is a hint strong if occasionally glum tones on the albums he records as Cars & of a name/a few crumpled maps marking Trains. His whisper-voice does lend veri- borders where nobody’s been.” Filepp has long recreated his songs similitude to the idea that it’s a bedroom project. That isn’t necessarily wrong—Fi- on stage with only loops and a few instrulepp writes and records in his home, doing ments. “Cars & Trains was a response nearly everything himself—but Cars & to wanting to be as self-sufficient as posTrains has grown far beyond one man’s sible,” he says. “I used to have a project where I would pick up a new instrument quirky experiment in electrofolk. We Are All Fire, Cars & Trains third every year.” But for the album, he enlisted friends, full-length album, conveys a sense of maturity from a musician who has come into members of the musical family he’s achis own. To say it’s a headphones album is quired since living in Portland. In fact, a preposterous understatement. Without this week’s Portland album release show the benefit of close listening, you miss the will be the fi rst time that Cars & Trains abundant layers of tiny percussive sounds, plays live with a band—made up of friends found noises, analog crackle, woodwinds, from the Ascetic Junkies, Alameda, and strings, and horns that mingle just be- Future Historians. “There are just some songs I can’t do neath the surface of Filepp’s voice. The album was inspired by stories, like they are on the record. After a while, both mythological and those of Filepp’s it’s nice to have other people involved. It family, and he weaves a strong current of makes things more organic.”

503.288.3895 3939 N. Mississippi info@mississippistudios.com

8pm doors/ 9pm show BarBar all ages until 9pm 21+ unless otherwise noted

TWO NIGHTS

TWO NIGHTS

ALLEN STONE WEINLAND 101.9 KINK.FM Presents: Seattle soul and R&B crooner Allen Stone returns with his self-titled album via ATO Records

YUNA TINGSEK

Record release party for Weinlands new LP, Los Processaur

101.9 KINK.FM Presents:

Wed, Oct 24 & Thu, Oct 25 7:30pm Doors/8pm Show $16.50 Adv Award-winning children’s artist creates inspired songs infused with a fresh sound

AARON NIGEL SMITH

Fri, Oct 26 DENVER THE LOWER 48 $12 Adv

Sat, Oct 27 TANGO ALPHA TANGO KELLI SCHAEFER

Joyful blend of folk, roots, and americana

PAPER BIRD

Sun, Oct 28

All Ages!

$8 Adv

1:30pm Doors/2pm Show

Audio explorations breaking new ground in electronic prog and pop other-world from New York masterminds

GARY

WAR

Dkota Sun, Oct 28

$8 Adv

Portland house band crafting delicious dance jams of art-house rock and psych

THE MIRACLES MIDNIGHT CLUB MAGIC

SUN ANGLE STREET NIGHTS PURPLE PILGRIMS

$8 Adv

Tue, Oct 30 Hillbilly flavored swing and ragtime

PETUNIA CARS & TRAINS “A beard party? Oh. Maybe my invitation got lost in the mail, maybe.”

Predatory Glow

Converge’s Accelerated Pulse by Mac Pogue

CONVERGE HASN’T SLOWED a that never really changes.” Even if Bannon & Co. create the perfect heartbeat since forming some 20-odd lizard-brain nourishment for their years ago. The band’s 2001 masConverge adolescent selves, they approach terpiece, Jane Doe, makes Hüsker Thurs Oct 25 it with the work ethic of true lifDü’s Land Speed Record look like a Branx ers. “It’s the only livelihood that “World’s Greatest Dad” mug. The 320 SE 2nd you have to constantly defend to four members split their time between at least a half dozen bands, artistic be lower-middle class,” he says. “We like careers, a recording studio, and a label, to work, to be out there touring, playing and still manage to tour the world about shows to people… We don’t take any days once a year. They can’t even slow down on- off.” And defend they do: Their upcoming stage; singer Jacob Bannon once brought cross-country tour schedule gives them a a pedometer on stage just for kicks. “I put one-day break to drive from Arizona to [it] in my shoe before we played... I ran Texas. That day is Halloween. After 22 years of coping with the tension about three miles on stage, in an hour.” Converge’s latest album, All We Love and release of creating exciting experimenWe Leave Behind, doubles down on their tal punk, Converge has become a family—a lifelong commitment to aural violence. family made up of four of the biggest ConSurprises are few and far between, but verge fans in the world. All We Love We that’s not to say the music isn’t a breath- Leave Behind’s titular proclamation doesn’t less, 40-minute face-rip. “We’re still the come off as a lament; instead, the cry is Bansame band we’ve always been,” Bannon non coming to terms with his body of work says from his basement studio, putting as a fleeting, finite thing. Bannon breaks it some fi nishing touches on a personal paint- down simply: If the band starts to make muing of the iconic Jane Doe cover. “That sic that doesn’t please them first, “You won’t feeling I got when I was 14 or 15 years old, hear from us anymore.”

$12 Adv

OLD LIGHT hungry ghost Opbmusic Presents PDX/Rx:

Sat, Nov 3

$10 Adv

THE YOUNG EVILS

THE MALDIVES

MUSIC

Wed, Oct 31 Infectious and sinister pop

& THE VIPERS Thu, Nov 1

LITANIC MASK (RECORD RELEASE)

DEATHSONGS APPENDIXES

Fri, Nov 2

$10 Adv

CINEBITCH PRESENTS:

SISTERS OF 77

Archival footage & interviews bring the 1977 N’tl Womens Conference back to life

Mon, Nov 5 6:30pm Doors/7pm Show

$5-10 DOS

DECISION TWENTY-TWELVE

Free Show!

101.9 KINK.FM Presents: An artist whose luscious vocals and soulful songs are highlighted with her latest album, Seagull

SOPHIE BARKER

Tue, Nov 6 5pm Doors/5pm Show in BAR BAR Free! Hooky, saucy, punky songwriting in a mood somewhere between Be Your Own Pet & the Donnas

THOSE DARLINS

(OF ZERO 7)

SUZANNE TUFAN Tue, Nov 6 Coming Soon... 11/8: HAPPY BIRTHDAY JIM! 11/8: JD SAMSON & MEN 11/9: THRILL JOCKEY RECORDS 20TH ANNIVERSARY 11/10: MRS W/ DJ BEYONDA 11/11: GENERATIONALS 11/12: ROOMRUNNER 11/13: BAHAMAS 11/15: EMMITT-NERSHI BAND

$8 Adv

Heavy Cream · Don’t Wed, Nov 7 $12 Adv

11/16: EMMITT-NERSHI BAND 11/17: SUSANNA HOFFS (OF THE BANGLES) 11/18: RAC 11/19: DELICATE STEVE 11/21: SOUL VACCINATION 11/23: TONY FURTADO BAND 11/24: THE LOVE LOUNGERS 11/25: BLOOD BEACH 11/27: PETER AMES CARLIN

11/28: LEE DEWYZE 11/29: AND AND AND (RECORD RELEASE) 11/30: CALIFONE 12/1: BATTLEME / MY GOODNESS 12/2: LAWRENCE ARABIA 12/3: CINEBITCH 12/6: SCOTT LAW REUNION BAND (RECORD RELEASE) 12/7: CHARLIE HUNTER

mississippistudios.com October 25, 2012 Portland Mercury 23


UP&COMING

the neXt BeSt thing to Johnny caSh

THIS WEEK’S MUSIC PREVIEWS

THURSDAY 10/25 squarepegconcerts.com

& sugarcane

saturday nov 3 dante’s

1 SW 3rd ave · Portland, or · 9:00Pm ShoW · 21 & over ticketS at SafeWay/ticketSWeSt charge By Phone 503-224-tiXX

DAN DEACON, HEIGHT WITH FRIENDS, CHESTER ENDERSBY GWAZDA, ALAN RESNICK

(Hawthorne Theatre, 1507 SE 39th) See Music, pg. 21.

SERENGETI, CARS & TRAINS, BIG PAUPER (Berbati, 19 SW 2nd) See Music, pg. 23.

ROBYN HITCHCOCK, YOUNG FRESH FELLOWS, PETER BUCK

sunday november 10 aladdin theatre 3017 Se milWaukie ave · Portland, or 7:30Pm ShoW · all ageS ticketS at all ticketmaSter locationS charge By Phone 1-800-745-3000

(Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside) The combined history of the musicians on the marquee tonight forms a substantial piece of underground and overground rock goodness (yes, R.E.M.’s ’80s catalog is still important and vital). Back when he led the Soft Boys, Robyn Hitchcock used to be the most convincing Syd Barrett disciple in the world. He later channeled that lucid lunacy into several solo albums and full-lengths with the Egyptians that combine surreal verbal acrobatics with acidic/pastoral, tuneful rocking and rolling—my favorite being Black Snake Diamond Röle; seriously, check “Acid Bird.” Hitch may have mellowed over the years, but his knack for beautiful melodies and poignant, skewed lyrics remains strong. DAVE SEGAL Also see My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 15.

CONVERGE, TORCHE, KVERLERTAK, NAILS (Branx, 320 SE 2nd) Before drowning in Converge’s serious-as-fuck hardcore, it’ll be nice to lighten the vibe with Torche’s triumphant blast of buoyant rock. Their latest album, Harmonicraft, is one of the best of the year (with pretty great cover art, to boot). It sounds fresh and bright, while still being intensely heavy. It’s a sonic sun lamp. The soaring guitar riffs and throbbing drums will permeate your brain and make endorphins rush through your system, lifting your mood 10 times above what any anti-depressant/Vitamin D/herbal-tea cocktail could ever do. This will be the record that helps you survive the winter. Get a head start on feeling good tonight—their songs are even more gloriously forceful live. MEGAN SELING Also see Music, pg. 23.

thursday nov 15 elsinore theater 170 high St Se · Salem, or 7:30Pm ShoW · all ageS ticketS at SafeWay/ticketSWeSt charge By Phone 503-224-tiXX

Straight No Chaser tuesday november 27 arlene schnitzer concert hall

1037 SW BroadWay · Portland, or · 8:00Pm ShoW · all ageS ticketS at all ticketmaSter locationS charge By Phone 1-800-745-3000

Cherry Poppin’

DADDIES saturday dec 1 dante’s

1 SW 3rd ave · Portland, or · 8:30Pm ShoW · 21 & over ticketS at SafeWay/ticketSWeSt charge By Phone 503-224-tiXX

KopecKy Family Band

ANCIENT HEAT, ADVENTURE GALLEY, BÉISBOL, SEX LIFE DJS (Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison) I don’t know what the critical divide is that separates a group of like-minded, similarly dressed people from a full-on cult, but Ancient Heat are toeing the line. Or at least they were when they numbered nine. Now that they’re down to a more manageable seven, they still espouse the gospel of the discothèque with amazing efficacy thanks to their jawdropping live shows. There has always been something a little wacky about disco that revival acts don’t always capture. But Ancient Heat own their eccentricities like a sexualized Polyphonic Spree. Breanne Antonius’ and Krista Wangner’s vampy vocals float atop pulsating beats and synths and, of course, horns. Even with its silly chorus, their flagship track, “Oh… You Bad,” is among the most dance-fueling songs I’ve ever heard. The swoon-worthy trumpet solo toward the end transcends any amount of dancehall gimmickry. REBECCA WILSON

FRIDAY 10/26

ORQUESTRA PACIFICO TROPICAL, 1939 ENSEMBLE, SUN ANGLE, GULLS, ELECTRIC ILL, DJ MICHAEL BRUCE (Oregon Portland Cement Building, 111 SE Madison) See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 15.

tuesday december 11 star theater 13 nW 6th ave Portland, or 97209 9:00Pm ShoW 21 and over ticketS at SafeWay/ ticketSWeSt locationS charge By Phone 503-224-tiXX

& henry at War

saturday december 15 mississippi studios

3939 n miSSiSSiPPi ave · Portland, or 8:30Pm ShoW · 21 & over ticketS at SafeWay/ticketSWeSt locationS charge By Phone 503-224-tiXX

24 Portland Mercury October 25, 2012

WEINLAND, DENVER, THE LOWER 48 (Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi) See Music, pg. 21.

CULT OF YOUTH, ARCTIC FLOWERS, INDUSTRIAL PARK (The Know, 2026 NE Alberta) As a general rule of thumb, the decision by members of previously snarling rock, punk, or metal groups to begin a solo acoustic project should be taken with a whole lotta bath salts. With the tendency to expose one’s vulnerability by being quieter, it’s a tricky proposition. That is, unless you say fuck it to the ordinary route like Cult of Youth (former Love as Laughter bassist Sean Ragon) does on his new LP Love Will Prevail. Ragon’s conflicted vocal sneer, sea-shanty melodies, and neo-Celtic uppers are an inviting vessel for boldly evolving tunes like “Garden of Delights.” You get the perfect taste of Ragon’s worldly sonic ambitions, as well as a lethal, nightmarish song that piles on flutes, carhorns, background static, and huge guitars underneath equally inspiring/pissed-off vocals. Think of this as a political rally in a punk-house basement and you’re close enough. RYAN J. PRADO

NIGHT OF THE LIVING ALES: BOY EATS DRUM MACHINE, OH DARLING (Burnside Brewing, 701 E Burnside) Dodging the dictates of fashion, Boy Eats Drum Machine’s sixth album, The Battle, is aurally overwhelming, with all the

layered abundance of 2005. This is not to say that the songs aren’t enjoyable or relevant (see “Election Drinking Song”), just that the pared-down, thinner turn that electronic music has taken lately clearly doesn’t speak to Jon Ragel. His monolith of sound—samples, electric guitars, synths, saxophone, and percussion, along with his soulful vocals—means that your brain simply can’t comprehend everything that’s happening at any given time. “I, William Your Ex-Lover” is an irresistible song with an addictive hook, whose crowd samples and carnival bloops are tethered by fuzzy, muscular guitars and marching-band style drums. The small trade-off for BEDM’s continuous experimentation is that, despite the recurring religious imagery, The Battle sounds more like a collection of songs than a unified album. RW

HUSKY, HANNAH GEORGAS (Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside) Husky have absolutely nothing to do with purple and gold sports teams, and everything to do with four-piece fragile-folk from Melbourne, Australia. Husky get their name from lead singer Husky Gawenda (questions he must never get sick of: “Did you have hippie parents? Dog-enthusiast parents? Were you an overweight baby?”), and their music is like watercolor painting—very soft and layered, delicate and subtle. It’s the kind of music you have to focus on and listen to intently, because it’s not going to jump out and bite your face. This Husky would never do that. EMILY NOKES

THE ASTEROIDS GALAXY TOUR, MILLIONYOUNG, FOREIGN ORANGE (Hawthorne Theatre, 1507 SE 39th) If you want to sate your ambitious Danish-pop jones, the Asteroids Galaxy Tour have you covered (in kaleidoscopic glitter). Over the albums Fruit and Out of Frequency, the sextet—led by vocalist Mette Lindberg and multi-instrumentalist Lars Iversen—has crafted sweetly melodic, rhythmically punchy songs that brashly claw their way into your consciousness. They have that Scandinavian glossiness that somehow seems less obnoxious than their US/UK counterparts. If “Heart Attack”—the ridiculously catchy, carefree standout from Out of Frequency—isn’t a worldwide hit by the time you read this, I’ll slowly shake my head in disbelief. DS

SATURDAY 10/27 MATT AND KIM, OBERHOFER

(Roseland, 8 NW 6th) See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 15.

WICKED AWESOME: JUDAS H. PRIEST, PLANET CLAIRE, THEE ZOMBETTES, BOMB ASS PUSSY (Plan B, 1305 SE 8th) See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 15.

WEINLAND, TANGO ALPHA TANGO, KELLI SCHAEFER (Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi) See Music, pg. 21.

BOWERBIRDS, STRAND OF OAKS, PRYPYAT (Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside) On Strand of Oaks’ new LP, Dark Shores, the enormity of Tim Showalter’s musical ambitions is reeled in to a dull roar. There’s something familiar and warm about it all, likely thanks to the production of John Vanderslice at SF’s Tiny Telephone Studios. “Last Grains,” however, thunders out of the second half of the album at a rock ’n’ roll clip, with fussy drums, piano, and the first strained vocal of the collection. Showalter’s lovelorn aesthetic bends in cosmic fashion during the man-on-the-moon (literally) ballad “Spacestations,” which was originally leaked as a synth-washed beater earlier in the year. It’s obvious here that even a scaled-back Strand of Oaks can be every bit as grand as 2010’s Pope Killdragon, and Dark Shores is an excellent lyrical wormhole into the mind of a modern-folk Bowie. RJP

SUNDAY 10/28

THE SUICIDE NOTES, MODERN LIVES (Rontoms, 600 E Burnside) See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 15.

THERAPISTS, THE WHINES, STILL CAVES (Club 21, 2035 NE Glisan) I’m writing this from New York, where I’m having trouble breathing after the whirlwind of saturation known as the CMJ Music Marathon. It’s worth mentioning because yesterday I caught an unofficial show at a warehouse where the vast majority of the bands on the bill had female lead singers. And listening to the Whines’ Karianne Oudman made me realize how powerful it is when a frontwoman embraces all elements of her natural vocal range. Oudman has the same power that Courtney Love or early Chan Marshall have become known for, and the music behind her presence edges roughly like the Replacements if they were formed in the ’90s. JONATHAN MAGDALENO


UP&COMING

(5 0 3) 2 3 2 - 0 0 5 6

www.eastendpdx.net

THIS WEEK’S MUSIC PREVIEWS

CADENCE WEAPON, KINGDOM CRUMBS, TOPE (Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison) Cadence Weapon is the stage name of Canadian emcee/musician/poet Rollie Pemberton. Pemberton’s latest, Hope in Dirt City, is a wildly adventurous album both in its sonic structure as well as in its thematic decisions. The production eschews standard boom bap, and features nods to electronica and jazz skronk alongside fractured lyrical bars that include references to Jean-Paul Satre and Louis Theroux. Seattle four-piece Kingdom Crumbs bring breezy street flows, spat over shimmery beats. It’s a style all their own, if reminiscent of a smokier Shabazz Palaces. Local emcee Tope gets the party started with his final solo set prior to embarking on a West Coast tour with Los Angeles rapper Abstract Rude in November. RYAN FEIGH

BALMORHEA, DRAGGING AN OX THROUGH WATER (Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside) As the world gravitates toward greater cultural homogeny, we see the role of geography play less of a role in shaping artists’ work. Thankfully, Balmorhea retain a hint of their native landscape. Hailing from Austin, Texas, the group appropriately sounds like it operates from that particular Southwest oasis. There’s a foundation of Americana in their dusty instrumental pieces— banjos are plucked, acoustic guitars are strummed—but there’s a strong current of Austin’s artful weirdness at play as well. The songs carry a pastoral timbre, suggesting the optimism of the open West in one song, storm clouds brewing over horizon in the next. Yet Balmorhea’s urban base provides a metropolitan filter of cinematic post-rock, ambient minimalism, and heady neo-classical arrangements for their rustic sounds. BRIAN COOK

AU DUNES, THE EERIES, THE BE HELDS, SUPERSUN (The Know, 2026 NE Alberta) A band relinquishing its lo-fi roots in favor of a cleaner, more consumable sound inevitably splits its fanbase (for a great example, see the Ric Ocasek-produced Guided by Voices record Do the Collapse, which is despised by diehard fans for no other reason than the fact that it sounds really good). It’s my belief that great songs deserve the clarity that higher-quality recordings provide (although not without exception), and the Eeries write great songs. The group’s first full-length record, Home Alone, follows a string of singles and EPs, and it’s their best release yet in spite of the crystal-clear production. It’s consistently infectious and harmony-laden, and specifi cally reminiscent of Nuggets lodestars like the Beau Brummels and the Knickerbockers. Studio gleam notwithstanding, the Eeries are cozy and loads of fun. MORGAN TROPER

DYSRHYTHMIA, DOG SHREDDER, U SCO (Rotture, 315 SE 3rd) Dysrhythmia has an impressive ability to approach thrash and black metal without ever fully diving into either. Their music is what a calculus textbook might sound like, and is disconcerting in a disarmingly, strangely refreshing way. I can see these guys opening for Romantic Warrior as well as Converge, with both potential audiences thoroughly appreciating their set. To sit down and watch their songwriting process must be documentary-worthy. Part of me needs to take a step away and drink some water after listening to Psychic Maps, their 2009 full-length released via Relapse Records, and I can’t even imagine the psychic trauma everyone will undergo alongside Bellingham’s Dog Shredder and Portland locals U Sco. It’ll be way worth your time and the subsequent hearing damage. JM

MONDAY 10/29 BUXTON, CHAMBERLIN

(Bunk Bar, 1028 SE Water) See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 15.

TUESDAY 10/30

GARY WAR, SUN ANGLE, STREET NIGHTS, PURPLE PILGRIMS (Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi) Bid a (hopefully temporary) adieu to Street Nights; guitarist Dan Wilson is departing the West Coast for New York City. Wilson’s been responsible for some of the finest fretwork in town, as anyone who’s seen Street Nights—or the Joggers, or Hookers—can attest. Tonight’s sortafarewell show puts all three bands in flux (Hookers play their farewell tomorrow, at DJ Cooky Parker’s In the Crematorium dance party at Holocene) but Street Nights have a full-length recorded and will, with luck, carry on in some fashion. With each jam, frontman Jake Morris (drummer for the Jicks) steps out from behind the drum kit to sing Golden Earring-worthy fist pumpers of pure FM gold, as the rest of Street Nights deliver the kind of butt-kicking rock that inspires airbrushed paintings on the sides of vans. Get your kicks in now, and here’s hoping for many more nights of Street Nights in the future. NED LANNAMANN

DARK DARK DARK, EMILY WELLS (Wonder Ballroom, 128 NE Russell) Dark Dark Dark’s name is fi tting. The Minneapolis band plays the type of moody pop made for gray winter days—if there is a light, it’s only a candle fl icker. Their latest LP, Who Needs Who, is fi lled with sparse arrangements, held together by the voice of Nona Marie Invie, who lays out dear-diary lyrics without any reservations. The specter of Fleetwood Mac looms as Invie sings of the aftermath of her relationship with bandmember Marshall LaCount. It’s pretty raw stuff. Maybe they should add another “Dark” to their name. Also on the bill is Emily Wells, who’s collaborated with the Portland Cello Project, and who for the past few years has been mixing classical music with elements of hiphop to equally moody effect. Add another “dark” to tonight’s performance. MARK LORE

TOADIES, HELMET, UME (Crystal Ballroom, 1332 W Burnside) The easy critique to make about both Toadies and Helmet is also probably the dumbest: that their ’90s heyday is currently being coopted by kids born in that decade, leading to renewed interest in packaged reunion-type tours. Problem is, neither band ever really went anywhere. Helmet’s Page Hamilton remains a consistent contributor to film soundtracks, as well as flying the (lineup-shaky) Helmet flag on world tours year in and out. The band’s angular alt-metal chug went on to influence a lot of bands who became terrible third-wave ’90s rockers, of which Toadies is not one. While Toadies did have a significant hiatus (2001-2005), their new album Play.Rock.Music is an understated punky bust-up, belching forth smart guitar interplay and Todd Lewis’ typically brazen vocals. Along with Ume opening (do yourself a favor and arrive early), this is a night of generational bridging not to avoid. RJP

bookingeastend@gmail.com

WEDS. 10/24 FONTAINE CLASSIC, CUTBANK, INVIVO

THURS. 10/25 HUSTLE AND DRONE, TRANSFER, OPERATION MISSION

FRI. 10/26 DOLLYWOOD BABYLON(MISFITS TRIBUTE), DIRTY RUBBERS(SONICS TRIBUTE), DANDY WHORE DOLLS(DUH!) SAT. 10/27 BEYOND VERONICA, THE PYNNACLES, THE PURRS(SEATTLE)

SUNDAY 10/28 GERM FREE ADOLESCENTS(X-RAY SPECS TRIBUTE), QUEENS OF NOISE(RUNAWAYS), 80’S HARDCORE MIXTAPE, COPS AS FERTILIZER(CRUCIFUCKS TRIBUTE), NEAT NEAT NEAT(DAMNED TRIBUTE) TUES. 1 /1 ETERNAL TAPESTRY, MIDDAY VEIL, HOT VICTORY, GRAPEFRUIT

NNEKA, FLY MOON ROYALTY (Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside) On Soul Is Heavy, Nneka’s eclectic fourth album, there is a song called “God Knows Why,” done in collaboration with Black Thought from the Roots. It is a deep cut, but it is by far my favorite on this very good album. The song expresses the same skepticism and bitterness with religion and politics found throughout, but on this one, Nneka raps. Her singing voice has a lot of charm—she sounds a little like Erykah Badu—but her Nigerian accent only comes through when she speaks, forcing attention to her angry, cerebral lyrics. Add to that the dark, frantic production, with a menacing piano and vinyl crackle, and it’s a showstopper. Soul Is Heavy is Nneka’s fourth album but only her second with an official US release. It fuses Jamaican reggae, soul revival, and Nigerian funk with the producerly electronic flourishes that position the album perfectly in 2012. RW

WEDNESDAY 10/31 PIERCED ARROWS, PILLOWFIGHT, BLACK PUSSY

(Ash Street Saloon, 225 SW Ash) See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 15.

THE MIRACLES CLUB, MIDNIGHT MAGIC, LITANIC MASK (Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi) See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 15.

LUKAS NELSON AND THE PROMISE OF THE REAL, TY CURTIS BAND (Dante’s, 1 SW 3rd) Most of the spawn that come from the loins of music legends get at least some of their parent’s talent. (Then there is Hank III.) In the case of Lukas Nelson, whose father is that one guy who smokes a lot of pot and wrote “Hello Walls,” you can see the resemblance immediately. And you can even hear some of his pop’s DNA coursing through his fingers when he plays the guitar. But this kid sounds equally influenced by Hendrix and Texas bluesman Freddie King. While the Son of Willie still has some piss and vinegar in him, he remains true to his father’s name and the players he came up with. I think there’s a bright future ahead of this kid. ML

3 Locations Open 24HRS!!!

PINE STREET MASSACRE: BÉISBOL, SUN ANGLE, POINT JUNCTURE WA, FOREIGN ORANGE, MOON BY YOU (Union/Pine, 525 SE Pine) There are already a lot of choices for the over-21s to spend Halloween night, but here’s another terrific option: The Pine Street Massacre boasts five excellent local bands, plus plenty of booze, candy, and costumes, all in the nifty Union/Pine space, which is spacious enough for a damn good party but intimate enough for you to get cozy with that mysterious stranger who came dressed as the Jesus fresco. There’ll be some Misfits covers (bands like to dress up, too!), horror movies, and likely some awkward bumping and grinding in costume. In other words, it’ll be a blast; be there. NL

October 25, 2012 Portland Mercury 25


HALLOWEEN PARTY PAGES! GET OUT AND CELEBRATE HALLOWEEN WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 31ST!

26 Portland Mercury October 25, 2012


HALLOWEEN PARTY PAGES! GET OUT AND CELEBRATE HALLOWEEN WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 31ST!

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October 25, 2012 Portland Mercury 27


HALLOWEEN PARTY PAGES! GET OUT AND CELEBRATE HALLOWEEN WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 31ST!

28 Portland Mercury October 25, 2012


HALLOWEEN PARTY PAGES! GET OUT AND CELEBRATE HALLOWEEN WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 31ST! Double Tee & Soul’d Out Present

Ty Curtis Band THE THE OFFICIAL OFFICIAL KINK.FM KINK.FM HALLOWEEN HALLOWEEN PARTY PARTY

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Oct 30th • rOseland • 8pm • all ages

October 25, 2012 Portland Mercury 29


30 Portland Mercury October 25, 2012


LIVE MUSIC THURSDAY 10/25

ALBERTA ROSE THEATRE—Thicker Than Water: A Benefit for a Friend: The Druthers, Myrrh Larsen”, Adrianne Gunn, 8 pm, $10-50 AL’S DEN—Buoy LaRue, 7 pm, free ANDINA—Borikuas, 7 pm ARTICHOKE MUSIC—Songwriter Roundup, 7 pm, $5 ASH STREET SALOON—Abash’t, Beards of Yeast, Ex Post Facto, 9:30 pm, $5 BACKSPACE—The Hoons, Tigress, Dead Remedy, Wes Phillips, 9 pm, $5, all ages ★ BERBATI—Mez Matos, 9 pm; Serengeti, Cars & Trains, Big Pauper, 9:30 pm BIDDY MCGRAW’S—Vanport Drifters, 9 pm BLUE DIAMOND—Ben Jones, 9 pm BLUE MONK—Alan Jones, 8 pm ★ BRANX—Converge, Torche, Kverlertak, Nails, 7:15 pm, $15, all ages BRASSERIE MONTMARTRE—John Butler, Al Criado BUFFALO GAP—Matthew Lindley, 9 pm, free CORKSCREW WINE BAR—Inspirational Beets, 8 pm ★ DANTE’S—Army Navy, 9 pm, $12 ★ DOUG FIR—Robyn Hitchcock, Young Fresh Fellows, Peter Buck, 9 pm, $18-20 DUFF’S GARAGE—Tough Love Pyle, 6 pm, $2; Brandon Santini, 9 pm ★ EAST END—Hustle & Drone, Transfer, Dead Folk, 9 pm EAT: AN OYSTER BAR—Steve Cheseborough, 7 pm EDGEFIELD—Hanz Araki, 7 pm, free THE ELIXIR LAB—Johnny D’s Community Jam, 7 pm GOODFOOT—Hardcoretet, Trio Subtonic, 9 pm, $7 GRAND CAFE/ANDREA’S CHA CHA CLUB—Pilon d’Azucar Salsa Band, 9:30 pm HALIBUT’S—Terry Robb, 8 pm, free ★ HAWTHORNE THEATRE—Dan Deacon, Height with Friends, Chester Endersby Gwazda, Alan Resnick, 7 pm, $13-15, all ages HAWTHORNE THEATRE LOUNGE—Bitch School, 8 pm, $5 HEATHMAN—Johnny Martin, 7 pm ★ HOLOCENE—Ancient Heat, Adventure Galley, Béisbol, Sex Life DJs, 8:30 pm, $6 IVORIES—Randy Porter Trio, 8 pm, $7 JADE LOUNGE—Nexus: Jason Simpson, 7 pm JIMMY MAK’S—Delfeayo Marsalis, 9 pm, $20-25; Mel Brown B3 Organ Band, 8 pm, $5 KELLS—Cronin Tierney, 9 pm KELLY’S OLYMPIAN—Manx, Thee Four Teens, Hot LZs KENNEDY SCHOOL—Brownish Black, 7 pm, free, all ages KENTON CLUB—Landlines, 9 pm, free ★ THE KNOW—1939 Ensemble, The North Wind, 8 pm ★ LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—Lewi Longmire Band”, 6 pm; Matt Bauer, Mike Coykendall & The Golden Shag, Evan Way, 9:30 pm LV’S—Nafisaria Scroggins, 9 pm MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB—Amaya Villazan, Elke Robitaille, Elise LeBlanc, 6 pm ★ MISSISSIPPI STUDIOS—Allen Stone, Yuna, Tingsek, 8 pm, $16.50-18.50 MITTLEMAN JEWISH COMMUNITY CENTER—The Golem Comes to Life!: Beth Karp, 7:30 pm, $8-10 MOCK CREST TAVERN—Chautauqua, 8:30 pm MUDDY RUDDER—Mike Brosnan, 8 pm MUSIC MILLENNIUM—Yuna, 6 pm, free, all ages O’CONNORS VAULT—Kathy James Quintet, 7 pm, $5 PLAN B—Channel 3, Shock Troops, CBK, 8 pm THE PRESS CLUB—Coconino Trio, 8 pm QUIMBY’S AT 19TH—Chris Baum Project, 9 pm, free RECORD ROOM—Gloomweaver, Disemballerina, 5 pm, free, all ages; Eatrightstayfit, 8 pm, free RED ROOM—Kris Ashby, AC Lov, Callen Farmer, MRWE, 9 pm, free ROSE GARDEN—Trans-Siberian Orchestra, 7 pm, $30.50-60.50, all ages THE SECRET SOCIETY—Barn Door Slammers, 6 pm, free, all ages; Greg Trooper, Jon Koonce, Dan Weber, 8:30 pm, $15-20 SLIM’S—Grammies, Montgomery Park, DNA, 9 pm, free SOMEDAY LOUNGE—Noise Agency, A Healthy Dose, The Translucent Spiders, 9 pm, $6 THE SPARE ROOM—Afroknot, Becky Alter, Sam Densmore, 9 pm, free; Open Mic, 9:30 pm ★ STAR THEATER—Judgement Day, 8 pm, $5 THIRSTY LION—The Applicants, 9 pm TIGER BAR—Karaoke from Hell, 9:30 pm, free ★ TONIC LOUNGE—Atlas & the Astronaut, A Happy Death, We the Wild, 9:30 pm VIE DE BOHEME—ARC, 7:30 pm ★ WHITE EAGLE—The Brothers of the Hound, 5:30 pm, free, all ages; The Apheliotropic Orchestra, The Magic Beets, 8:30 pm, free WILF’S—Dick Berk, Tardo Hammer, Dave Captein, 7:30 pm

FRIDAY 10/26

★ ALADDIN THEATER—Perfume Genius, Dusted, 8 pm, $15 ALBERTA ROSE THEATRE—Funk ’n’ Zydeco Halloween Ball: The New Iberians, Philly’s Phunkestra, 8 pm, $10-12 ALBERTA STREET PUBLIC HOUSE—Shoeshine Blue, Dusty Santamaria, Jake Kelly, 9 pm

AL’S DEN—Buoy LaRue, 7 pm, free ANDINA—Dan Diresta, 8 pm ARTICHOKE MUSIC—Friday Night Coffeehouse, $5, all ages ASH STREET SALOON—Conquerors of the World: Septic Flesh, Krisiun, Melechesh, Ex Deo, Inquisition, Anonymia, 7 pm, $18-20 ★ BACKSPACE—NW Loop Fest: Noah Peterson”, Tony Smiley, Cellotronik”, Karma Bomb, Noise With Dean, Bass Shaker Pressley, Waffle Taco, West Turner, Krystyn Pixton, Jean-Paul DeRoover, Chris Ingold, 9 pm, $5, all ages ★ BACKTALK—Freak Out!: Talkative, Concrete Crow, 7 pm BERBATI—Oreganic, Dusu Mali Band, 9:30 pm BIDDY MCGRAW’S—Lynn Conover, 6 pm, all ages; Funk Shui, 9:30 pm BLUE DIAMOND—Bridge City Blues Band, 9 pm ★ BOOM BAP!—Slashed Tires, Ghosties, XDS, Amenta Abioto, 8 pm BRASSERIE MONTMARTRE—Boy & Bean, 8 pm BUFFALO GAP—Stay High Kingz, 9 pm, free ★ BURNSIDE BREWING CO.—Night of the Living Ales: Boy Eats Drum Machine”, Oh Darling, 8 pm, $10 CAMELLIA LOUNGE—Ron Stephens & Freak Flag Fly CANVAS ART BAR—Open Mic: Steve Huber, 7 pm, free, all ages ★ CLUB 21—The Wannabe Dogs, Queens of Noise, Motley Crude, Broken Bodies, 9 pm, free DANTE’S—Zombie Rockfest 2012: Shoot to Thrill, Crazy Train, 8 pm, $9.23 ★ DOUG FIR—Husky, Hannah Georgas, 9 pm, $12 DUFF’S GARAGE—The Hamdogs, 6 pm, $2; Rich Layton & The Troublemakers, Ron Rogers, 9 pm, $10 EAST BURN—Doc Brown Experiment, 10 pm, free EAST END—Dollywood Babylon, Dirty Rubbers, The Dandy Whore Dolls, 9 pm EDGEFIELD—Sonny Hess, 7 pm, free ★ ELLA STREET SOCIAL CLUB—Mufassa, A Ton of Bricks Falling A Thousand Yards, Danny Delegato, 9 pm, $5 FORD FOOD & DRINK—Progress Band, Clint Weaner, 5 pm; Katie Roberts, 8 pm GET HAPPY STUDIOS—Fuck Yeahalloween: The Bloodtypes, Faster Housecat, Barry Weird & the Boobies, 8 pm, $3 HALIBUT’S—Jon Bunzon, 8 pm, free ★ HAWTHORNE THEATRE—The Asteroids Galaxy Tour, Millionyoung, Foreign Orange”, 8 pm, $15-18, all ages HAWTHORNE THEATRE LOUNGE—Hundred Dollar Jayhawks, Buck Williams, Wolfpussy, Back Alley Barbers, 8:30 pm, $8 ISLAND MANA WINES—David & Goliath, 4 pm; Joe Marquand, 4:30 pm IVORIES—Ezra Weiss Sextet, 8 pm, $10 JADE LOUNGE—Class M Planets, John Chap, 6 pm JIMMY MAK’S—Jacob Merlin”, Sarah Billings, 8 pm KATIE O’BRIEN’S—Unicornz, Riastrad, Wolflaut, 9 pm, free KELLS—Cronin Tierney, 9 pm ★ KELLY’S OLYMPIAN—Talkative, Log Across the Washer, Bubble Cats, 9 pm, $5 ★ KENTON CLUB—The Hand That Bleeds”, Rllrbll, Nasalrod, Super Duper Fun Gun, Party Killer, 9 pm, free ★ THE KNOW—Cult of Youth, Arctic Flowers, Industrial Park, 8 pm, $7 ★ LANDMARK SALOON—WC Beck, 6 pm; Countryside Ride, 9 pm ★ LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—Michael the Blind & the Els, Lone Madrone, Young Blood, 9:30 pm, $5 LV’S—Ben Jones, 9 pm MACADAM’S BAR & GRILL—Orphan Train, 9 pm MEMORIAL COLISEUM—Bassnectar, Gramatik, Gladkill, 7:30 pm, $39.50, all ages MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB—Whiskey Puppy, 6 pm; La Tropikana, 9 pm ★ MISSISSIPPI STUDIOS—Weinland, Denver, The Lower 48, 9 pm, $12 MOCK CREST TAVERN—Sneakin’ Out, 9 pm MT. TABOR THEATER—Greensky Bluegrass, 9 pm, $15 MUDDY RUDDER—Bass Mandolin, 8 pm NEL CENTRO—Mike Pardew, 9:30 pm NEW COPPER PENNY—Voodoo Cirkus, Mike Branch Band, 9:30 pm, $10 NORSE HALL—The Pranksters, 7:30 pm, $5-8 O’CONNORS VAULT—Ron Rodgers & The Wailing Wind ★ THE OLD CHURCH—White Fort, 6 pm, all ages ★ OREGON PORTLAND CEMENT BUILDING—Orquestra Pacifico Tropical, 1939 Ensemble, Sun Angle, Gulls, Electric Ill, DJ Michael Bruce, 8 pm, $5-10 PLAN B—Shadow of the Torturer, Hail, Thou Shall Kill, WohrBohr, 9 pm PONDEROSA LOUNGE (AT JUBITZ)—Carrie Cunningham, 9 pm, $2-5 THE PRESS CLUB—The Druthers, 8 pm RED & BLACK CAFE—Panther Sequoia, 7 pm RED ROOM—Blown, Staller, Unruly Instinct, Battle Axe Massacre, 8 pm, $4 in Costume ★ ROTTURE—Howl: Mr. Rogers, Nicoluminous, Defunk, Guttstar, Manoj, Hoya, Alden Brown, DJ Professor Stone, Mr. Wu, Spekt1, PRSN, El Capitan, Worthy, Maximus, Andrew Mataus, Flipsta, Doug de la Fresca, Forrest Avery, Solovox, Global Ruckus, Sarah King, Stereovision, Bridgetown Review, 9 pm, $25-30

LIZ FLYNTZ

October 25, 2012 Portland Mercury 31


LEGENDARY ALT-POP FROM BELOVED ENGLISH SINGER/SONGWRITER

THURSDAY!

INFECTIOUS INDIE-FOLK FROM MELBOURNE

THE RETURN OF SUBLIMELY MELODIC INDIE FOLK FROM NORTH CAROLINA

HUSKY (AU) BOWERBIRDS FRIDAY!

ROBYN HITCHCOCK

SATURDAY!

+HANNAH GEORGAS FRIDAY OCTOBER 26

$12 ADVANCE

$12 ADVANCE

$18 ADVANCE

MINIMALIST ACOUSTIC TEXTURES FROM AUSTIN, TX SEXTET

MAKE IT A NIGHT Present that night’s show ticket and get $3 off any entree Sun - Thur in the dining room 830 E BURNSIDE • 503-231-WOOD • www.dougfirlounge.com

DOUG FIR RESTAURANT + BAR OPEN 7AM–LATE EVERYDAY

BALMORHEA +DRAGGING AN OX THROUGH WATER

SUNDAY OCTOBER 28

SATURDAY OCTOBER 27

SOCIALLY CONSCIOUS HIP-HOP/SOUL FROM NIGERIAN-GERMAN TOUR DE FORCE

YOUNG FRESH FELLOWS +PETER BUCK

THURSDAY OCTOBER 25

STRAND OF OAKS +PRYPYAT

SERVING BREAKFAST, LUNCH, DINNER, LATE-NIGHT. HAPPY HOUR 3-6 PM EVERYDAY, COVERED SMOKING PATIO, FIREPLACE ROOM, LOTS OF LOG. LIVE SHOWS IN THE LOUNGE...

NNEKA

+FLY MOON ROYALTY

TUESDAY OCTOBER 30

$12 ADVANCE

UNPRECEDENTED CHAMBER-FOLK FROM BELOVED LA SONGWRITER

SEA WOLF

$10 ADVANCE

A SPECIAL FUNK-TASTIC HALLOWEEN NIGHT WITH PDX’S VERY OWN

LO-FI COUNTRY-TINGED INDIE ROCK FROM EMERALD CITY SINGER/SONGWRITER

DR. THEOPOLIS SERA CAHOONE

TICKETS

+HEY MARSEILLES

SATURDAY NOVEMBER 3

GOING FAST

$12 ADVANCE

REMEMBER THE 2008 MERCURY ELECTION PARTY AT DOUG FIR? REMEMBER THE FUN? REMEMBER THE INSANITY?

WEDNESDAY OCTOBER 31

$8 ADVANCE

THE PARSON RED HEADS +DESERT NOISES

THURSDAY NOVEMBER 1

$10 ADVANCE

LEGENDARY JAZZ INFLECTED POST-ROCK FROM CHICAGO QUARTET

The SEA & CAKE

GENRE-DEFYING INVENTION FROM FOUNDING MEMBER OF THE BOOKS

ZAMMUTO

TUESDAY NOVEMBER 6

FREE

SOARING ROCK ACTION FROM PDX TRIO

RAGS & RIBBONS +MATTHEW FRIEDBERGER (FIERY FURNACES)

SUNDAY NOVEMBER 4

$15 ADVANCE

EXPERIMENTAL WALL-OF-SOUND POST-ROCK FROM SO-CAL DUO

EL TEN ELEVEN MICHNA GIRLFRIENDS +YOURSELF & THE AIR

THURSDAY NOVEMBER 8

$10 ADVANCE

SIREN NATION FESTIVAL PRESENTS

MONDAY NOVEMBER 5

+AU

$12 ADVANCE

GENRE DEFYING ECLECTIC-AMERICANA FROM NY STATE

DONNA The BUFFALO

A SPECIAL EVENING WITH THE INSANELY TALENTED LEADER OF THE NEW PORNOGRAPHERS

$15 ADVANCE

INCENDIARY GARAGE-PUNK FROM LEGENDARY NYC TRIO

$10 ADVANCE

$5 ADVANCE

+BROTHERS COMATOSE

FRIDAY NOVEMBER 9

SATURDAY NOVEMBER 10

THE MYNABIRDS +YENTA (formerly Clea Partridge) +QUASI

WEDNESDAY NOVEMBER 7 •

AC NEWMAN

REBECCA GATES

SUNDAY NOVEMBER 11

THE HORDE & THE HAREM +ASCETIC JUNKIES

MONDAY NOVEMBER 12

TICKETS GOING FAST

$15 ADVANCE

+HARRIET

$15 ADVANCE

WORLD PARTY 11/26 BRAINSTORM 12/1 KING TUFF 12/9 SUPERSUCKERS 12/29 RADIATION CITY 12/30 MOUSE ON MARS 2/19 All of these shows on sale at Ticketfly.com

DIAMOND RINGS 11/14 • ONUINU 11/15 • WINTERSLEEP 11/16 • RACHAEL YAMAGATA 11/17 • COLD SPECKS 11/20 LEFT COAST COUNTRY 11/23 • THE PRIDS 11/24 • RNDM 11/25 • WORLD PARTY 11/26 • DEEO SEA DIVER 11/29 FEDERALE 11/30 • BRAINSTORM 12/1 • WHITEHORSE 12/4 • WOVENHAND 12/5 • THE CAVE SINGERS 12/6 ADVANCE TICKETS AT TICKETFLY - www.tickfly.com and at JACKPOT RECORDS • SUBJECT TO SERVICE CHARGE &/OR USER FEE ALL SHOWS: 8PM DOORS / 9PM SHOW • 21+ UNLESS NOTED • BOX OFFICE OPENS 1/2 HOUR BEFORE DOORS • ROOM PACKAGES AVAILABLE AT www.jupiterhotel.com

32 Portland Mercury October 25, 2012


LIVE MUSIC THE SECRET SOCIETY—Pete Krebs & His Portland Playboys, 6 pm, all ages; z’Bumba, 9 pm, $7 ★ SLABTOWN—Fontaine Classic, A Happy Death, 9 pm ★ SLIM’S—Audios Amigos, Bad Assets, 9 pm, free SOMEDAY LOUNGE—The Warrior Bros, Nathan Jenkins, Josh Romo, Heatesca, Micah McNelly, DJ Michael Grimes, 9 pm, $5 ★ THE SPARE ROOM—Teri & Larry, 9 pm, free ★ STAR THEATER—Rasputina, Faun Fables, 9 pm, $15 THIRSTY LION—Sugar Cookie, 9:30 pm TIGER BAR—Nemesis, 9 pm, $5 TONIC LOUNGE—Little Kitties, Bob’s Apprentice, Gloomsday, A Volcano, Vises, 9 pm TONY STARLIGHT’S—Sinatra Fest 2012: Bureau of Standards Big Band, 8 pm, $12 TWILIGHT CAFE & BAR—Thorn Town Tall Boys, Mothers Whiskey, 9:30 pm VIE DE BOHEME—Everything’s Jake, 8:30 pm, $5 THE WAYPOST—Paul Shutz, 8 pm WHITE EAGLE—The Reverb Brothers”, 5:30 pm, free, all ages; Psychro, The Big Small, 9:30 pm, $8 WILF’S—Tony Pacini Trio, 7:30 pm WONDER BALLROOM—Groundation, John Brown’s Body, Trevor Hall, Alcyon Massive, 9 pm, $20-23

SATURDAY 10/27 AGNES FLANAGAN CHAPEL, LEWIS & CLARK COLLEGE—Resonance Ensemble, 7:30 pm, $11-22 ★ ALBERTA ROSE THEATRE—Decomposed: Classical Revolution PDX, 8 pm, $10 AL’S DEN—Buoy LaRue, Joe Davis, 7 pm, free ANDINA—Toshi Onizuka, 8 pm ★ ARLENE SCHNITZER CONCERT HALL—Gerhardt Plays Tchaikovsky: Oregon Symphony, Alban Gerhardt, 7:30 pm, $21-95, all ages ASH STREET SALOON—Hordes of Nebulah, Darkthrone, Dead Conspiracy, Only Zuul, Crime Machine, Aethyrium, 9 pm, $8 BACKSPACE—Black Rose Phantoms, Angry Lions, Secnd Best, 10 pm, $7 BIDDY MCGRAW’S—The Honeycuts, 6 pm, all ages; Jim Boyer, 9:30 pm BLUE DIAMOND—Deep Blue Soul Revue, 9 pm BLUE MONK—Nix, 9 pm BRASSERIE MONTMARTRE—The Djangophiles, 8 pm BUFFALO GAP—Hudson, Blue Iris, 9 pm, free CAMELLIA LOUNGE—Rich Halley, 9 pm, $6 ★ CLUB 21—Radio Birdbath, Dirty Rubbers, The Rolling Shits, 9 pm COLONIAL HEIGHTS PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH— Seventh Species Concert: Jack Gabel, Ruta Kuzmickas, Gary Noland, Kaori Noland, Paul Safar, Terry Wergeland, Jeff Winslow, 8 pm, $5-20 CRYSTAL BALLROOM—Portland Erotic Ball 2012: Keegan Smith & The Fam, Pepe & The Bottle Blondes, The Slants”, Jub Jub, 8 pm, $39-69 DANTE’S—Smoochknob, 9 pm, $12 ★ DOUG FIR—Bowerbirds, Strand of Oaks, Prypyat, 9 pm DUFF’S GARAGE—Sultans of Slide, 9 pm EAGLES LODGE—Driven Dead Rod & Costume Party: Johnny Credit & the Cash Machine, The Twangshifters, Levi Dexter, 9 pm ★ EAST BURN—Rare Monk, Cascadia Soul Alliance EAST END—Beyond Veronica”, The Purrs, The Pynnacles, 9 pm ★ EDGEFIELD—Naomi Hooley, 7 pm, free; Erotic City THE ELIXIR LAB—Caleb Blatz, 8 pm ELLA STREET SOCIAL CLUB—C.C. Swim, Casy & Brian, 9 pm, $5 FOGGY NOTION—Fruit of the Legion of Loom, Lonesome Shack, Junk 88, 9 pm, $3 GOODFOOT—Halloween Party: Goodfoot All-Stars, 9 pm HALIBUT’S—A.C. Porter, 8 pm, free HAWTHORNE HOPHOUSE—Ron Hughes, 9 pm, free HAWTHORNE THEATRE—All Time Low, The Summer Set, The Downtown Fiction, Hit the Lights, 6 pm, $20-23, all ages HAWTHORNE THEATRE LOUNGE—McDougall, ChampionSHIP, Ol’ Mount’n Dew, 8:30 pm, $6 HOPHOUSE (NE 15TH)—Josiah Payne, Ken Chapple, 8:30 pm, free, all ages IVORIES—George Colligan Quartet, 8 pm, $10 JADE LOUNGE—My Father’s Pocket Watch, Annie Vergnetti, 6 pm JIMMY MAK’S—Linda Hornbuckle Band, 8 pm, $10 KATIE O’BRIEN’S—Matt Mayhem & the Vampire Girls, Danger Death Ray, Absent Minds”, Pagerippers, Tuck & Roll, 9 pm, free KELLS—Cronin Tierney, 9 pm KELLY’S OLYMPIAN—Pheasant, The Hoons, Blake Mackey, 9 pm KENTON CLUB—Medicine Family, Spirit Lake, Root Jack, 9 pm, free LANDMARK SALOON—Chris Miller, 9 pm ★ LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—Tree Frogs, 6 pm; James Dean Kindle & The Eastern Oregon Playboys, 9:30 pm MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB—The Alphabeticians, 4 pm, all ages; Brad Creel & The Reel Deel, 6 pm; DK Stewart, 9 pm ★ MISSISSIPPI STUDIOS—Weinland, Tango Alpha Tango, Kelli Schaefer, 9 pm, $12 MOCK CREST TAVERN—Blueprints, 9 pm

MT. TABOR THEATER—Bite Me! Zombie Party: The Cry, Lydian Gray, Glassbones, 7:30 pm MUDDY RUDDER—James Clem, 8 pm NEL CENTRO—Mike Pardew, Dave Captein, Randy Rollofson, 9:30 pm O’CONNORS VAULT—John Bunzow Band, 8:30 pm, $5 ★ ON AIR—Phantom Portland Halloween Party: Naughty By Nature, DJ Gemo, DJ TJ, 8 pm, $40-80 ★ PLAN B—Wicked Awesome: Queer Cover Band Show & Dance Party: Judas H. Priest, Planet Claire, Thee Zombettes, Bomb Ass Pussy, Mr. Charming, Roy G Biv, Freddie Says Relax, Bruce LaBruiser, 8 pm, $8 PONDEROSA LOUNGE (AT JUBITZ)—Clay Chambers & the Last Ride, 9 pm, $2-5 ★ THE PRESS CLUB—James Low, Lewi Longmire, 8 pm ★ RECORD ROOM—Scared Crow, Little Volcano, The Pynnacles, Old Wars, The Slidells, Pataha Hiss, The Charts, A Happy Death, noon, Free ★ ROSELAND—Matt & Kim, Oberhofer, 8 pm, $20, all ages THE SECRET SOCIETY—The Martens Combination, 6 pm, all ages; Third Annual Halloween Bash: Midnight Serenaders”, 9 pm, $10-15 SLABTOWN—Forbidden Harvest Party: Boo Frog”, Verner Pantons, 9 pm, $7-13 SLIM’S—Power of County”, Josh Smith, 9 pm, free THE SPARE ROOM—Halloween Monster Mash: Papa Dynamite ★ THE TARDIS ROOM—IAmWe Halloween Fundraiser: Joliff, Pigeons, Just Lions, Dum Spiro Spero, Flip Cassidy’s Junkyard Gospel, 9 pm THIRSTY LION—Dirty Blonde, 9:30 pm TIGER BAR—Nemesis, Simon Says Die, Hyding Jekyll, 9 pm, $5 TONIC LOUNGE—Death Frees the Beast, Perfect Monster, Dinner for Wolves, Heavy Devils, DJ Rock Thrower, 9 pm TONY STARLIGHT’S—Sinatra Fest 2012: Tony Starlight, 8 pm, $16 TRINITY EPISCOPAL CATHEDRAL—When That Rough God Goes Riding: A Van Morrison Liturgy: Alt.Liturgy Band, 6 pm TWILIGHT CAFE & BAR—The Embalming Process, 9:30 pm VIE DE BOHEME—Tommy Hogan Band, 9 pm THE WAYPOST—Battle of the Duos: Particulars, Sprinkles”, Rent Boys, Dual Mode, Huh?, 8 pm THE WHISKEY BAR—Summerween in the Fall: Bomb Shel, Child Children, DJ Radius, Filthy Sweet, Douchebag Assassin, 9:30 pm, $10-12 WHITE EAGLE—The Student Loan, 4:30 pm, free, all ages; Garcia Birthday Band, 9:30 pm, $6 WILF’S—Devin Phillips Quartet, 7:30 pm WONDER BALLROOM—Other Lives, Indians, 9 pm, $13-15

SUNDAY 10/28 ALBERTA ROSE THEATRE—Cris Kelly, Counterfeit Cash, Patrimony, Society’s Dead Age, Iris Shanks, Sister Midnight, 7 pm, $9-13 ★ AL’S DEN—Pat Kearns, Future Historians, 7 pm, free ANDINA—Martin Zarzar, 6 pm, $60 (includes dinner); Danny Romero, 7 pm ASH STREET SALOON—Reign Cycle, Horse Bodies, Fontaine Classic, Amy Bleu, 9 pm, $5 AUGUSTANA LUTHERAN CHURCH—Augustana Jazz Quartet, 6 pm, free, all ages BIDDY MCGRAW’S—Felim Egan, 8 pm BLUE MONK—Ed Bennett Quintet, 8 pm BRANX—Chin Up Rocky, Hands for Battle, Final Last Words, Stanley & the Search, Projections, 6:45 pm, all ages BUFFALO GAP—I Digress, Tempest Theory, 8 pm ★ CLUB 21—Therapists, The Whines, Still Caves, 10 pm, free CLYDE’S PRIME RIB—Ron Steen Jazz Jam, 8:30 pm, free CRYSTAL BALLROOM—Boys Like Girls, All-American Rejects, Sunderland, 8 pm, $25-28, all ages DANTE’S—Papa Dynamite, 9 pm, $10; Sinferno Cabaret, 11 pm ★ DOUG FIR—Balmorhea, Dragging an Ox Through Water”, 9 pm, $10-12 DUFF’S GARAGE—White Caps, The Planet Crashers, The Blast-O-Casters, 9 pm EAGLES LODGE—Cirijaye, Railway, 5 pm EAT: AN OYSTER BAR—Reggie Houston’s Box of Chocolates, 11 am EDGEFIELD—Jon Koonce, 5 pm, free FIRKIN TAVERN—Open Mic, 8 pm, free FIRST PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH—The Bard Sings: Resonance Ensemble, 2 pm, $11-22, all ages FORD FOOD & DRINK—Tim Roth, Sun, noon, free, all ages HAWTHORNE THEATRE—Hopsin, Dizzy Wright, Swizzz, Jarren Benton, DJ Hoppa, Tragedy, Kings of Exile, 7 pm, $15-18, all ages ★ HOLOCENE—Cadence Weapon, Kingdom Crumbs, Tope, 8:30 pm, $10 JADE LOUNGE—Soulful Sundays: Morgan Quin, 7 pm KELLS—Irish Session, 6 pm; Pat Buckley, 9 pm ★ KENNEDY SCHOOL—You Who: The Head & The Heart, noon, all ages ★ THE KNOW—Av Dunes, The Eeries, The Be Helds, Supersun, 8 pm LANDMARK SALOON—Jake Ray, Ian Miller, 8:30 pm LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—Dan Haley, Tim Acott, 9:30 pm, free

MENOMENA 74+669: 74:/6>‹ (+=(5*, +(@6-:/6>‹(33(.,:>,3*64,‹;0?'*(:*(+,;0*2,;:*64

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 2 CRYSTAL BALLROM

October 25, 2012 Portland Mercury 33


1934 NE Alberta, 971.255.1793 NEVER stop doing what you like; ALWAYS take it to the HILT.

34 Portland Mercury October 25, 2012


LIVE MUSIC LV’S—Blues, Brews & BBQ, 6 pm MIGRATION BREWING CO.—Whistlepig, 7 pm MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB—The Dirigible Brothers, 6 pm; Ukeladies, 9 pm MISSISSIPPI STUDIOS—Aaron Nigel Smith, 2 pm, $810, all ages; Paper Bird, Dkota, 9 pm, $8-10 ★ MOON & SIXPENCE—Foghorn Stringband, free MUDDY RUDDER—Irish Music, 4 pm O’CONNORS VAULT—Side Pocket, 7:30 pm, $5 THE OLD CHURCH—Community of Angels: Sacredflight, 3 pm, $10-30 RED ROOM—Rendered Useless, White City Graves, The Screaming Starts, Die Robot, Sugar Tits, 8 pm, $3 in Costume ROCK BOTTOM BREWERY—Dojo Toolkit, 9 pm ★ RONTOMS—The Suicide Notes, Modern Lives, 9 pm, free ROSELAND—Tank, 8 pm, all ages ★ ROTTURE—Dysrhythmia, Dog Shredder, U Sco SLIM’S—When the Broken Bow, Mr. Frederick, 9 pm, free THE SPARE ROOM—Angel Bouchet Band, 8 pm, free STARKY’S—Stark Raving Queens, 6:45 pm TIGER BAR—SINday Halloween Party: Demain, Dead Animal Assembly Plant, 9 pm, $5-7 TONY STARLIGHT’S—Sinatra Fest 2012: Tony Starlight, All-Star Horns, 6 pm, $16 VIE DE BOHEME—John Dover’s Legacy Big Band, 7 pm, $7; Footsteps Benefit: Sound & Rhythm, 8:30 pm, $7-15 THE WAYPOST—Ben of the Giraffe Dodgers, 8 pm

MONDAY 10/29 ★ AL’S DEN—Pat Kearns, Strange Language, 7 pm, free ANDINA—Pete Krebs, 7 pm ★ ARLENE SCHNITZER CONCERT HALL—Gerhardt Plays Tchaikovsky: Oregon Symphony, Alban Gerhardt, 8 pm, $21-95, all ages ASH STREET SALOON—Ghost Alien, Random Noise, The Advisors, 9:30 pm, $5 BERBATI—Primitive Idols, Sharks from Mars, Henry Dark, 9 pm BLUE DIAMOND—Tom Grant, 9 pm ★ BUNK BAR—Buxton, Chamberlin, 9:30 pm, $10 DANTE’S—Karaoke from Hell, 10 pm EDGEFIELD—Skip vonKuske, 7 pm, free GOODFOOT—Sonic Forum Open Mic, 8 pm, $1 ISLAND MANA WINES—David & Goliath, 4 pm JADE LOUNGE—Veesuge, Michael Winter, 8 pm JIMMY MAK’S—Trixie & the Nasties, 8 pm, free THE KNOW—80s Hardcore, Stranger Danger, Cower, 8 pm LANDMARK SALOON—High Flyers, 9 pm LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—Portland Country Underground, 6 pm, free; Kung Pao Chickens, 9 pm, free MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB—Mr. Ben, 5 pm, all ages MUDDY RUDDER—Lloyd Jones, 8 pm QUIMBY’S AT 19TH—Soul Mates, 7 pm ROCK BOTTOM BREWERY—Mt. Air Studios, 10 pm TIGER BAR—AC Lov Ring, 9 pm WHITE EAGLE—Leo, 8:30 pm, free

TUESDAY 10/30 ★ AL’S DEN—Pat Kearns, Joel Roth, 7 pm, free ANDINA—Neftali Rivera, 7 pm ASH STREET SALOON—Random Axe, Country Trash, Tater Famine, The Lucky Loser Show, 9:30 pm, $5 BACKSPACE—Illa, Hey Young World, 6ix, Yo X, Covae, Mardi McPhly, Micah Parris, Ty the Rebel, J Hyph, Alexis Whitney, Dupree, Young NY, DJ Rockwell, 8 pm, free, all ages BLUE MONK—Pagan Jug Band, 6:30 pm, free ★ CRYSTAL BALLROOM—Toadies, Helmet, Ume, 8 pm, $20, all ages ★ DOUG FIR—Nneka, Fly Moon Royalty, 9 pm, $12-14 DUFF’S GARAGE—Trio Bravo, 6 pm, $2; Dover Weinberg Quartet, 9 pm, $2 EAST END—Crypties, Paradis, 9 pm EDGEFIELD—Caleb Klauder, Sammy Lind, 7 pm, free THE ELIXIR LAB—Johnny D’s Community Jam, 7 pm ★ ELLA STREET SOCIAL CLUB—Levator, Souvenir Driver, 9 pm, $5 FEZ—Angelspit, Cyanotic, Myparasites, 8 pm GOODFOOT—Radula, 9 pm, free; Kory Quinn, 9 pm, free HAWTHORNE THEATRE LOUNGE—That Much Further West Radio, 4 pm, free; The Johnson Creek Stranglers, 6 pm, free IVORIES—Jazz Jam: Carey Campbell, Hank Hirsh Trio, 7:30 pm KELLY’S OLYMPIAN—The Human Equation, Hidden Knives, Year of the Rabbit, 9 pm, $5 ★ KENTON CLUB—The World Record, Garrett Pierce, The Parson Red Heads, 9 pm, free THE KNOW—The Babysitters, The Rolling Shits, Planet Claire, 8 pm LANDMARK SALOON—Lucky Tubb & the Modern Day Troubadours, 9 pm ★ LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—Jackstraw, 6 pm, free LV’S—Ron Steen’s Jazz Jam, 8:30 pm MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB—The Nutmeggers, 6 pm ★ MISSISSIPPI STUDIOS—Gary War, Sun Angle, Street Nights, Purple Pilgrims, 9 pm, $8-10 PLAN B—Skelator, Tanagra, Wild Dogs, Spellcaster, 9 pm

QUIMBY’S AT 19TH—Tom Grant, 8:30 pm, free ROCK BOTTOM BREWERY—Brothers ’n’ Laws, 9 pm ROSELAND—Waka Flocka Flame, Wooh Da Kid, 8 pm, $25, all ages SHAKER AND VINE—Arthur Moore’s Harmonica Party, 8 pm SOMEDAY LOUNGE—All the Apparatus, Neighbors, Love Bomb Go Go, 9 pm, $6 STAR BAR—Men at Jerk, Wanna Be Dogs, Edgar Allen Posers, 8 pm TASTE ON 23RD—Brandstson Duo, 6:30 pm, free THIRSTY LION—Eric John Kaiser”, 9 pm TONY STARLIGHT’S—Bo Ayars, 6 pm, free VINO VIXENS—Arthur Moore’s Harmonica Party, 6 pm WHITE EAGLE—Will West”, The Druthers, The Sale, 8:30 pm, free ★ WONDER BALLROOM—Dark Dark Dark, Emily Wells, 8:30 pm, $13-15, all ages

WEDNESDAY 10/31 ★ AL’S DEN—Pat Kearns, Bonnie Veronica, 7 pm, free ★ ASH STREET SALOON—Pierced Arrows,

Pillowfight”, Black Pussy, 9:30 pm, $8 ★ BACKSPACE—Halloween Party: The Good Sons, The Small Arms, Felecia & The Dinosaur, Bubble Cats, Sorta Ultra, DJ Acid Wash, 9 pm, $3-5, all ages BIDDY MCGRAW’S—Henry Hill Kammerer, 9 pm BLUE DIAMOND—The Fenix Project, 9 pm BUFFALO GAP—Andy Stokes, 9 pm ★ BUNK BAR—The Memories, Twerps, Dignan Porch, 9:30 pm, $8 CAMELLIA LOUNGE—The Goods Jazz Jam: Errick Lewis & the Regiment House Band, 8:30 pm ★ DANTE’S—Lukas Nelson & The Promise of the Real, Ty Curtis Band, 9 pm DOUG FIR—Dr. Theopolis, 9 pm, $8 DUFF’S GARAGE—High Flyers, 6 pm, $2; Suburban Slim’s Blues Jam: Suburban Slim, John Neish, Jeff Strawbridge, 9 pm EAST BURN—Irish Music Jam, 7 pm EAST END—Helloween: Lucifers Friend, Motley Crude, The Anal Cunts, 9 pm EDGEFIELD—Radical Revolution, 7 pm, free; Kris Deelane, 7 pm, free THE ELIXIR LAB—Doc Brown Experiment, 8 pm EUGENIO’S—Open Mic, 6:30 pm FIRE ON THE MOUNTAIN—Kory Quinn, 9:30 pm GOOD NEIGHBOR PIZZERIA—Open Mic GOODFOOT—Afrobeat Halloween: Jujuba, 9 pm, $7 HAWTHORNE THEATRE—Hellyeah, Holy Grail, 6:30 pm, $25-28, all ages ★ HOLOCENE—In the Crematorium: DJ Cooky Parker, DDDJJJ666, This Charming Man, Hookers, 9 pm, $8 ISLAND MANA WINES—David & Goliath, 4 pm IVORIES—Tommy Hogan Band, 8 pm, $5 JADE LOUNGE—Wake the Dead: Christopher Reyne, Rob Gray, Samantha Hughes, 7 pm JIMMY MAK’S—Mel Brown Quartet, 8 pm, $5 KENNEDY SCHOOL—Freak Mountain Ramblers, 7 pm, free, all ages THE KNOW—Cops for Fertilizer, Germ Free Adolescents, Motorgreg, 8 pm LANDMARK SALOON—Bob Shoemaker, 6 pm; Jake Ray & The Cowdogs, 9:30 pm ★ LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—Dolorean, 6 pm, free; Jaime Leopold & The Short Stories, 9 pm, free MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB—Mr. Hoo, Wed, noon, all ages; Red Yarn Puppet Band, 5 pm, all ages ★ MISSISSIPPI STUDIOS—The Miracles Club, Midnight Magic, Litanic Mask, 9 pm, $5-10 MT. TABOR THEATER—Simon Tucker, World’s Finest, 9 pm, $10 MT. TABOR THEATER LOUNGE—Doc Ocular & the Lesser Bangs, 9 pm, free O’CONNORS VAULT—Jon Koonce & One More Mile, 8 pm, free THE PRESS CLUB—Joseph Appel, 8 pm RED & BLACK CAFE—Music for the Working Class, 7 pm, free ★ REFUGE—Digital Underground, Pumpkin, Solovox, DJ Wicked, 9 pm, $13-20 ROCK BOTTOM BREWERY—Jordan Harris, 9 pm ROTTURE—Revocation, A Life Once Lost, Kenmode, Southgate, 9:15 pm, $10 SLABTOWN—Putts, DJ Marcel Da Chump, 9 pm SLIM’S—Halloween Party: Junkyard Dogs, 8 pm, free SOMEDAY LOUNGE—The Vandies, Tiger House, Archie Cristiano & the Travelling Salesmen, 9 pm, $6 SUNDOWN PUB—SongWrecker Cabaret, 9 pm THIRSTY LION—Jordan Harris, 9:30 pm TIGER BAR—Bedlam Massacre, Kill on Sight, Separation of Sanity, Kingdom Under Fire, 9 pm, $6.66 ★ UNION/PINE—Pine Street Massacre: Béisbol, Sun Angle, Point Juncture WA, Foreign Orange”, Moon by You, 8 pm, $3-5 VIE DE BOHEME—Lindsay DiAnn, 7:30 pm, $8 WHITE EAGLE—Resolectrics, The Tomorrow People, The Police Cars, 8:30 pm, $8 WILF’S—Ron Steen, Linda Lee Michelet, 7:30 pm ★ WONDER BALLROOM—Saint Etienne, Kim Baxter, 8:30 pm, $20-22

October 25, 2012 Portland Mercury 35


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36 Portland Mercury October 25, 2012


DJ LISTINGS THURSDAY 10/25 BEECH ST. PARLOR—Dan Bryant CC SLAUGHTERS—Hiphop Heaven: DJ Alex Hollywood, 9 pm, free CLUB 21—Greyskull CROWN ROOM—Counter Culture, 10 pm, free THE EMBERS AVENUE—Request Night: DJ Jens FEZ—Shadowplay: DJ Horrid, DJ Ghoulunatic, DJ Paradox, 9 pm, free JONES—New Jack Swing: Doc Adam, 10 pm, $5 LANGANO LOUNGE—Veridius Quo, 9 pm LUCKY DEVIL—DJ Panty Droppa, free MOLOKO PLUS—King Tim 33.3, Discus Noir, 10 pm, free NICK’S FAMOUS CONEY ISLAND—Eye Candy: VJ Norto, The Phantom Hillbilly, 9 pm, free PALACE OF INDUSTRY—DJ Crucial Andy, 8 pm SANTA FE TAQUERIA—Salsa Social SOS: DJ Armando, 9 pm SAUCEBOX—Evan Alexander SOMEDAY LOUNGE—Happy Hour: Mr. Romo, DJ Michael Grimes, 4 pm STAR BAR—Red Rooster, 10 pm SWIFT LOUNGE—DJ Drew Groove TIGA—Kev it Up TUBE—Sethro Tull, 7 pm VAULT—Jams: DJ 60/40 THE WAYPOST—Correspondence School: DJ Walz, Patient, 7 pm WORKSHOP PUB—Phonographix Video DJs, 9 pm

FRIDAY 10/26 BEECH ST. PARLOR—DJ Both Josh BLITZ 21—DJ Sovern-T, 9 pm, free CC SLAUGHTERS—Filthy Fridays: DJ Robb, 9 pm, free CROWN ROOM—Noise Friday: DJ TJ, 9 pm, free ★ DEVILS POINT—DJ Kenoy, 9 pm, free EAGLE PORTLAND—Booty: Treasure Island Filming: Ill Camino, 10 pm, $8 ELEMENT—Chris Alice, 9 pm THE EMBERS AVENUE—On the Avenue: DJ Jens, 9 pm FEZ—Shut Up & Dance: DJ Gregarious, 10 pm, $5 GOLD DUST MERIDIAN—DJ A-Train, 10 pm, free GROUND KONTROL—DJ Notaz, 9 pm ★ HOLOCENE—SamFM, 5 pm, free; Snap!: Dr. Adam, Colin Jones”, Last 9 pm, $3 JONES—Back to the Future Fridays: DJ Zimmie, 8 pm, $5 LOLA’S ROOM—’80s Video Dance Attack: VJ Kittyrox, 8 pm, $6 LUCKY DEVIL—DJ Joe, free MATADOR—Infamous: DJ Rattooth, DJ Makeout, 10 pm, free MOLOKO PLUS—MonkeyTek, Lowrentborg, 10 pm, free MOTHERS VELVET LOUNGE CAFE—Mr. Mumu PALACE OF INDUSTRY—DJ Holiday, 7 pm STAR BAR—Blank Fridays: DJ Ikon, 10 pm, free ★ TIGA—Beacon Sound TRIPLE NICKEL—DJ Stockholmz, 9:30 pm TUBE—Neil Blender, 7 pm VALENTINE’S—DJ Syd Rock, 9 pm THE WHISKEY BAR—Trance Mission: DJ Zoxy, 10 pm, $5

SATURDAY 10/27 AURA—Twice as Nice: DJ TJ, A Train, Tandem, 10 pm, $10 BEECH ST. PARLOR—DJ Shrimp Tempura, DJ Booty Futures BERBATI—DJ Mello Cee, 9 pm; My Big Fat European Halloween: DJ Kypros, 9:30 pm BOSSANOVA BALLROOM—2012 Halloween Bash: DJ Rescue Zia, 8 pm CC SLAUGHTERS—House of Hollywood: DJ Alex Hollywood, 9 pm, free CROWN ROOM—Trap Funeral: Djemba Djemba, Quarry, Tyler Tastemaker, Gang $ign$, Cestladore, Photon, 9 pm, free CRUZROOM—Vnylogy DJs DEVILS POINT—DJ Brooks, 9 pm, free THE EMBERS AVENUE—Portland Tonight: DJ Jens, 9 pm FEZ—Twice as Nice: DJ TJ, A Train, Tandem, 10 pm, $10 GOLD DUST MERIDIAN—Clap Trap: DJ Gregarious, DJ Disorder, 10 pm, free GRAND CAFE/ANDREA’S CHA CHA CLUB—DJ Sonero, 9:30 pm GREELEY AVE. BAR AND GRILL—Eye Candy: VJ Norto, The Phantom Hillbilly, 9 pm, free GROOVE SUITE—After Dark GROUND KONTROL—Roxy’s Ego Hour: Roxy Epoxy, 9 pm, $2 ★ HOLOCENE—Jai Ho! Bollywood & Bhangra Dance Party: DJ Prashant, 9 pm, $10 JONES—Inferno: DJ WildFire, 6 pm, $8; ’80s & ’90s Dance Music, 10 pm, $5 LANGANO LOUNGE—DJ Mister Nick, 9 pm LEFTBANK ANNEX—Equity Foundation’s BENT: DJ Christopher B, 6:30 pm, $50-150

LUCKY DEVIL—DJ Kenoy, free MATADOR—Saturday Spooktacular: DJ Drew Groove MOLOKO PLUS—King Tim 33.3, Discus Noir, 10 pm, free MOTHERS VELVET LOUNGE CAFE—Mr. Mumu PALACE OF INDUSTRY—DJ James Murphy, 7 pm ★ SOMEDAY LOUNGE—Bollywood Horror X: DJ Anjali & The Incredible Kid, 9 pm, $8-10 STAR BAR—DJ Trim, 10 pm TIGA—DJ Bad Wizard TRIPLE NICKEL—DJ Stockholmz, 9:30 pm TUBE—Saturdazed: Josh Booze, 7 pm

SUNDAY 10/28 AALTO LOUNGE—Whiskey Bitters, 9 pm, free BERBATI—DJ Jack, 9 pm ★ BEULAHLAND—The Original Eye Candy Video Night: VJ Norto, The Phantom Hillbilly, 9 pm, free CC SLAUGHTERS—Superstar Divas, DJ Robb, 8 pm, free CRUSH—DJ Mikey, 10 am-2 pm DEVILS POINT—Stripparaoke: KJ Zero, 9 pm, free THE EMBERS AVENUE—Noches Latinas: DJ Marco, 9 pm LUCKY DEVIL—Ladies Night: DJ Mani, free ★ PLAN B—Church of Hive: Halloween Dance Party: DJ Owen, DJ Brian Backlash, DJ Gregarious, DJ Medusa”, DJ Waisted, DJ Skully, 9 pm, $3 RADIO ROOM—DJ Nature, DJ Stray, 6 pm STAR BAR—DJ Joey Prude, 10 pm TONIC LOUNGE—DJ Fuzzboxx, 9:30 pm TUBE—Dark Sundays: DJ Josh Dark, 10 pm

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MONDAY 10/29 BEECH ST. PARLOR—DJ Bob Ham BLUE MONK—Deep Cuts, 8 pm CLUB 21—Witch Throne EAST END—Hi-Octane Rock ’n’ Roll: Hard Rock from the Sunset Strip: Ryan Holman, 10 pm GROUND KONTROL—Service Industrial: DJ Tibin, 9 pm KELLY’S OLYMPIAN—Eye Candy: VJ Norto, Phantom Hillbilly, 8 pm, free MATADOR—I Don’t Like Mondays: DJ Rhienna, DJF, 10 pm, free O’MALLEY’S SALOON & GRILL—Heavy Metal Monday: Bozyk, 9 pm STAR BAR—Metal Mondays: DJ Nefarious, 10 pm, free ★ TIGA—DJ Magic Beans TUBE—DJ Matt Scaphism, 7 pm

Happy Hour Specials Everyday Free Pool on Sundays •  92'' t.v • Total Sports Package Serving $2 breakfast from 7am-2pm & 10pm - 2am Kitchen hours (7am-2am) • Bar hours (7am-2:30am)

TUESDAY 10/30 BEECH ST. PARLOR—DJ Rickshaw CC SLAUGHTERS—DJ Robb, 9 pm, free CLUB 21—DJ Dirty Red CROWN ROOM—See You Next Tuesday: Kellan, DJ Avery, 9 pm, free ★ DEVILS POINT—DJ Kenoy, 9 pm, free THE EMBERS AVENUE—Recycle: DJ Tibin, 9 pm, free GROUND KONTROL—Rock Band Tuesdays: MC T. Wrecks, 9 pm, free THE LOVECRAFT—Night of the Pumpkin King: DJ Hallows, 9 pm, free; Death Club: DJ Entropy, 10 pm MATADOR—DJ Donny Don’t, 10 pm, free STAR BAR—DJ Bradly, 10 pm ★ SWIFT LOUNGE—Boogie Tuesday: Maxx Bass, Gwizski, Mikie Lixx TIGA—DJ Bill Hambone TONIC LOUNGE—DJ Eclecto, 9:30 pm TRADER VIC’S—DJ Cabana, 6 pm TUBE—DJ Overcol, 7 pm; Tubesday, 10 pm

WEDNESDAY 10/31 BEECH ST. PARLOR—Tony Remple BERBATI—Fuck Yeahalloween: Goomy, DJ Tobro Bergbro, 9 pm, $5; DJ Catalyst, 9 pm CC SLAUGHTERS—Trick: DJ Robb, 9 pm, free CROWN ROOM—Eprom, Slugabed, Chrome Wolves, Rap Class, 9 pm, $12 THE EMBERS AVENUE—Gothic Industrial: DJ Jens, 9 pm FIRKIN TAVERN—VJ Norto, 9 pm JONES—Spin Sugar: Doc Adam, 10 pm, $5 LADD’S INN—DJ Kutthroat, 9:30 pm, free LANGANO LOUNGE—DJ Natron, 9 pm THE LOVECRAFT—Halloween Horror: DJ Horrid, 10 pm MOLOKO PLUS—King Tim 33.3, Discus Noir, 10 pm, free THE REFECTORY—Wednesday Eastside Karaoke: KJ RC, 8 pm SAUCEBOX—DJ Nealie Neal STAR BAR—DJ Bar Hopper, 10 pm TIGA—Cowboys from Sweden TIGER BAR—Juicy Wednesdays: DJ Detroit Diezel, 9 pm, $2 TUBE—Loyd Depriest, 6 pm; DJ Creepy Crawl, 7 pm THE WHISKEY BAR—Whiskey Wednesdays: American Girls, 10 pm, free

October 25, 2012 Portland Mercury 37


CULTURE/ART/PDX COOKBOOK REVIEW

Dirt Candy by Amanda Cohen (Clarkson N. Potter)

A

MANDA COHEN’S new Dirt Candy stands out for a few reasons: It’s a vegetarian cookbook that focuses on innovative vegetable preparations, and it’s got longish autobiographical chapters written in comic-book form. But where it really shines is in comparison with the average restaurant cookbook, those glossy hardbacks full of pretty photos, overblown writing, and the general sense that the white-clad chef on the cover

DANCE REVIEW

BloodyVox: Fresh Blood BodyVox, 1201 NW 17th, 229-0627, Thurs-Sat 7:30 pm, plus Sat 2 pm, plus Wed Oct 31 at 7:30 pm, $36-59, bodyvox.com

F

ROM “THRILLER” to “Monster Mash,” Halloween lends itself to dance-oriented performances. BodyVox, Portland’s “most joyous” dance company, per their press materials, are in the midst of their second Halloween show. It’s a lot of fun. (They make the undead seem cozy!) They call it BloodyVox: Fresh Blood; it’s off-kilter and silly, and cartoony rather than creepy. The show is composed of

38 Portland Mercury October 25, 2012

hasn’t spent much time in the kitchen recently. In contrast, Dirt Candy is firmly rooted in the day-to-day experience of working in a restaurant. Restaurant kitchens are hot and everyone yells a lot; the customer is your mortal enemy, and your coworkers are probably crazy and definitely good with knives. As Cohen describes her experience opening a restaurant in New York City, writing about developing recipes and dealing with customers, she hammers home a point those other fancy chefs never do: Cooking isn’t magic, it’s work. The upside is that it’s work anyone can do, and her blunt, no-nonsense instructions (some written in comics form, some not) break down complex recipes into simple, manageable tasks. The innovative recipes in Dirt Candy include toasted carrot buns and kimchee doughnuts, fennel funnel cakes and molten beet cake; it belongs next to the Hot Knives cookbook and Yotam Ottolengthi’s Plenty on your shelf of vegetarian cookbooks that focus on actual delicious vegetables. The world doesn’t need another tofu scramble recipe—but broccoli ice cream? That it just might. ALISON HALLETT

several vignettes with reoccurring characters, including a mouthless noir detective, zombies, samurai people, and a clown. For a loose comparison, think Cirque du Soleil if it were on a tight budget. BloodyVox has that similarly slapstick, off-kilter (Canadian) humor, the striped costuming, the awe-inspiring acrobatics and movements, plus the absence of any fleshedout characters. Also similar to Cirque, sometimes the tone is a little odd or doesn’t quite cohere (e.g., why is BloodyVox’s mumbly clown wearing giant DC shoes? Why are those ninjas wearing velvet jumpsuits and saggy, knotted nightcaps?). In the end, it’s no matter. You delight in what you see. You ease up on any tonal inconsistencies and your narrative impulse. BodyVox shows are always a pleasure, in part because the performers seem to be so enjoying themselves, and things stay light and good-natured, with elements of surprise sprinkled in. As an added incentive to partake of the Halloween festivities, BodyVox is holding a juried costume contest on their Wednesday, October 31, performance. Winners receive a pair of season tickets to BodyVox. JENNA LECHER

THEATER REVIEW

The Lost Boys—Live! Bad Reputation Productions, Ethos at IFCC, 5340 N Interstate, Thurs-Sat 8 pm, through Nov 3, $1822, badreputationprods.com

F

ROM THE TEAM BEHIND the wildly successful Road House: The Play! comes The Lost Boys—Live! Now, I watched The Lost Boys (the movie) pretty recently, and I wouldn’t have thought it could possibly work onstage; I mean, how do you

THEATER REVIEW

RUSSELL J YOUNG

Raíz Miracle Theatre, 525 SE Stark, 236-7253, Thurs 7:30 pm, Fri-Sat 8 pm, Sun 2 pm, through Nov 11, $15-30, milagro.org

A

LMOST WITHOUT EXCEPTION, holiday theater is the worst. Whether it’s a man in tights mugging his way though David Sedaris or the inevitable unasked-for variety show, holiday theater is by and large a spirit-numbing parade of pandering, manipulative cash-grabs. (I get it, it pays the bills.) An exception is the Miracle Theatre’s Day of the

stage a vampire disintegrating in a bathtub of holy water, causing blood and gore to explode from all the pipes in the house? I wouldn’t have known, but I just saw it happen, and it was glorious. This live show treats all of the over-the-top bits from the movie with a hilariously lo-fi hand. (Roller skates = flying.) It is silly and funny and I would not have changed a thing. The cast rocked at their commitment to pure ridiculousness, with great enunciation (“MAH-KELL! MAH-KELL!”) and some ace running-in-place. There is fun music throughout, including creepy sing-alongs and, yes, the greasy guy with a saxophone. The bare-bones sets were brought to life by gorgeous background projections, and a really hardworking set guy (Guys? Gals? Unclear.), who quickly converted the space by constantly shoving boxes around. With no scene lasting longer than 90 seconds, it was pretty impressive. One thing I must warn you, though: There is no intermission, the theater serves alcohol, and the intimate space makes exiting during the performance totally conspicuous; pee first. My husband got held in the back of the theater during (conflictof-interest alert!) Portland Mercury Editor Wm. Steven Humphrey’s take-no-prisoners rendition of “Cry Little Sister.” Don’t make the same mistake. ELINOR JONES

Dead show, which every year offers an original work investigating the relationship between the living and the dead. The quality of the work varies—and this year’s wasn’t one of my favorites—but it’s always refreshing to see a show that steps so far outside the typical, vaguely Christian holiday offerings. This year’s offering, directed by Arturo Martinini, is rooted in the notion that “life is a dream, and death is a passage to an awakening consciousness of reality,” as the director’s notes put it. These lofty themes are presented via three interlocking stories, and the show’s success ebbs and flows depending on which storyline is at the forefront. The most engaging moments in Raíz are provided by Zoe Rudman and Enrique Andrade as a pair of Charlie Chaplin-inspired clowns; Rudman, in particular, demonstrates a huge gift for physical, nonverbal comedy. Other storylines involve frustrated Aztec gods and a love-struck young couple; the Aztec gods have pretty rad headdresses, but I didn’t get much out of the “rituals” showcased here, and an implied connection between Aztec gods and Hollywood stars just feels forced. Those scrappy clowns are delightful, though, and their nonverbal bits are easily the show’s highlight. ALISON HALLETT


C

OLLEGE CAMPUSES are probably the only place where the difference between second- and third-wave feminism is still ardently

THEATER PREVIEW

Fall of the Band Action/Adventure Theatre, 1050 SE Clinton, Fri 8 & 10:30 pm, Sat 9 pm, Sun 8 pm, $12 (pay-what-you will Fri), $2 off for every previous episode attended or $30 for all four episodes, actionadventure.org

A

CTION/ADVENTURE THEATRE inhabits a unique niche in our city’s arts scene, due to their success in faithfully and hilariously chronicling life in Portland with the beloved, longrunning serial Fall of the House. For the uninitiated, FotH combined the live-action energy of

Kissing Jesus’ feet or Lucifer’s bum?

 

ThinkRenaissance.org

The show is rounded out by Joyce’s 21-yearold son Jared (Josh Weinstein), who lives at home and refuses to admit he probably has Asperger’s syndrome. How does a kid with Asperger’s relate to two lesbians grappling to update their ideas of feminism? The connection is subtle, and relates to the idea of letting someone else define how you are seen: Jared isn’t concerned about his own behavior, hurtful though it may be, so much as he fears that someone else might define him as “retarded.” Body Awareness rewards this level of scrutiny; it’s a focused, smart little show, full of thoughtful performances from actors who clearly understand their characters. And as a bonus to regular theatergoers, Body Awareness is the first of three plays written by Annie Baker and set in the fictional town of Shirley, Vermont; the second Shirley show, Circle Mirror Transformation, was performed at Artists Rep last season, and the third play in the trilogy, The Aliens, will be staged by Third Rail later this season. While this sort of synchronicity is par for the course when producing Chekhov or Shakespeare, it’s exciting to see such a surge of support for a contemporary female playwright. ALISON HALLETT

improvisational comedy with an episodic performance format, creating what company member (and Mercury office manager) Noah Dunham describes as “theater for TV people.” The series was unscripted; writers provided storylines that actors improvised anew each night, incorporating spontaneity and realism into practiced routines in a way that uniquely engaged audiences. In response to demand for another show of this ilk, and as the opening act in what may be the company’s most varied and sophisticated season yet, Action/Adventure delivers a follow-up of sorts with Fall of the Band. Changes that the troupe itself underwent provided inspiration for the return to Fall of the House’s semi-improvised format. In 2011, impending construction forced Action/Adventure to relocate from their long-time rehearsal space, leading to the establishment of their current venue on SE Clinton. Fall of the Band follows a fictional band facing the same dilemma—their house and rehearsal space are slated for destruction, and rising tensions soon threaten their musical collaboration as well. A new episode runs every weekend for four weeks; FotB infuses live music into each episode, some of which will be provided by guest

performers like Ryan Sollee (the Builders of the Butchers), Holland Andrews (Like a Villain), and Danny Diana-Peebles (Serious Business). The rest of the music will come from the band itself, a talented group charged with playing what director Dunham calls “glorified versions of themselves.” Led by musical director Cristina Cano (also of Sollee’s project Albatross), the band members enliven local archetypes with scruffydreamy dudes Kyle Acheson, Sam De Roest, and Action/Adventure’s own Devon Granmo, along with erstwhile rocker David Saffert and ambitious bandleader Natalie Stringer. The show promises to be rife with Portland references and riffs on the creative endeavors so consuming to ambitious artist types—stand-up routines and obsessive bloggers will be mentioned, and of course, the trials of the aspiring band. With this meta-conscious approach, the show offers valuable reflections on the reasons we put so much heart into making art of any kind. Action/ Adventure’s productions continue to document the essence of the creative cycle with electric and touching accuracy, while simultaneously and simply achieving another of their aims—to make people laugh. MARANDA BISH

ARTCHART OUR PICKS OF THE WEEK

Ian Anderson

Body Awareness CoHo Theater, 2257 NW Raleigh, 715-1114, Thurs-Sat 7:30 pm, Sun 2 pm, through Nov 10, $20-25, cohoproductions.org

debated. They’re also where the two waves are likely to collide, a notion mined to surprisingly personal, relevant effect in Body Awareness, written by Annie Baker and running at the CoHo under the direction of Gretchen Corbett. Corbett co-stars as Phyllis, a psychology professor charged with organizing “Body Awareness Week” on her university’s campus. (It sounds much more affirming than “Eating Disorder Week,” doesn’t it?) But Phyllis’ notion of what constitutes “body awareness” is narrow, and she’s outraged by the strippers and burlesque dancers who flaunt their sexuality onstage—isn’t the whole point, she argues, that women not be seen as sex objects? Phyllis believes that women want to be seen without feeling judged—not understanding that burlesque dancers and strippers want to be seen without caring if they’re judged or not. Phyllis’ girlfriend Joyce (Sharonlee McLean) accidentally wanders into the hornets’ nest when she befriends a male artist, Frank (Gavin Hoffman), who specializes in taking pictures of nude women. Now that must be exploitation, right? Phyllis sure thinks so, and an argument over the merits of Frank’s work causes a rift between the couple.

MELISSA DOW

THEATER REVIEW

SKULLS GROUP SHOW REDUX • 811 E BURNSIDE #110 • THROUGH OCT 31

Frank M. Young and David Lasky—A slideshow reading of The Carter Family: Don’t Forget This Song, a graphic novel telling the story of the first superstar group in country music. Reading Frenzy, 921 SW Oak, Thurs Oct 25, 7 pm, readingfrenzy.com No Pun Intendo—Another month, another set of stand-up amid the arcade cabinets and pinball machines, featuring performances from Ian Karmel, Tynan DeLong, Randy Mendez, Mandie Allietta, and Jon Washington. Hosted by Jen Allen. Ground Kontrol, 511 NW Couch, Thurs Oct 25, 9 pm, $3 Booty Call #8—The return of the sexy/smutty/funny reading series, hosted by Kevin Sampsell and the Mercury’s Sarah Mirk, and featuring sex-themed stories from Paula Bomer, Michael Heald, Nancy Rommelmann, and Jimmy Radosta. Blue Monk, 3341 SE Belmont, Fri Oct 26, 9 pm, $5, 21+ The Last of the Haussmans—Third Rail Repertory presents a screening of Stephen Beresford’s latest, a funny-yet-savage portrait of a family in the midst of losing its grip, starring Julie Walters and Helen McCrory, and filmed live at London’s National Theatre. World Trade Center Theatre, 121 SW Salmon, Bldg. #2, Sun Oct 28, 1 & 5 pm, Sat Nov 3, 2 & 7 pm, $15-20, thirdrailrep.org Katherine Sharpe—Coming of Age on Zoloft blends interviews, historical context, and personal anecdotes to paint a portrait of the antidepressant generation. Powell’s City of Books, 1005 W Burnside, Fri Oct 26, 7:30 pm, powells.com

PO RTLAN D M E RCU RY.CO M HAS A COMPLETE CALENDAR OF ARTS EVENTS

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October 25, 2012 Portland Mercury 39


ARTSCALENDAR

READINGS THURSDAY 10/25

ARIEL GORE & JENNY FORRESTER The People’s Apocalypse is an anthology centered on a diverse group of people, all waiting for the end of the world: survivalists, anarchists, environmentalists, visionaries, poets, and zinesters. Powell’s Books on Hawthorne, 3723 SE Hawthorne, 228-4651, 7:30 pm

DYLAN TOMINE Closer to the Ground, featuring illustrations by Nikki McClure, is the story of a father sharing his love of nature with his children by actually taking them out into nature, as opposed to sitting them in front of the Discovery Channel. Powell’s City of Books, 1005 W Burnside, 228-4651, 7:30 pm

MYSTERY BOX A live storytelling event focused on true stories of sex and sexuality. Brody Theater, 16 NW Broadway, 224-2227, 7:30 pm, $10-12

SATURDAY 10/27

THE STORYTELLERS THREE The annual Halloween reading from Sarah Hauser, Anne Penfound, and Anne Rutherford. Because it’s not Halloween until someone breaks out a flashlight and some scary stories. Artichoke Music, 3130 SE Hawthorne, 232-8845, 8 pm, $15

SUNDAY 10/28

The return of Imago’s English-language production of Yukio Mishima’s grotesque erotic mystery centered on Black Lizard, a murderous jewel thief, and the Sherlock Holmes of Japan, who is tasked to stop her. Imago Theatre, 17 SE 8th, 231-9581, Thurs 7:30 pm, Fri-Sat 8 pm, Sun 2 pm, through Nov 4, $15-30

THE BODY OF AN AMERICAN Playwright Dan O’Brien’s story of befriending war reporter Paul Watson, and the roles each takes in helping the other handle the responsibilities, and damages, of bearing witness. Ellyn Bye Studio at the Armory, 128 NW 11th, 445-3700, Tues-Sun 7:30 pm, Sat-Sun 2 pm, through Nov 11, $20-39

DUCK FOR PRESIDENT Oregon Children’s Theatre puts up a third option for the 2012 election: A protest-organizing, lobbyist, educationreforming duck who decides he’s sick of farm chores and wants to be president. Newmark Theatre, 1111 SW Broadway, 248-4335, Sat 2 & 5 pm and Sun 2 pm, through Nov 4, $18-30

MOTHER COURAGE AND HER CHILDREN Theatre Vertigo’s production of Bertolt Brecht’s passionate anti-war play, translated by Pulitzer Prize-winner Tony Kushner. Theater! Theatre!, 3430 SE Belmont, Thurs-Sat 7:30 pm and Mon Nov 5, 7:30 pm, through Nov 17, $15

CABARET

CHRISTIAN KIEFER & LANCE WALLER

BLOODYVOX

Infinite Tides is Christian Kiefer’s story of an astronaut’s return to earth after a long mission; Wilderness is Lance Weller’s tale of Abel Truman, who is attempting to journey over the Olympic Mountains after being maimed in the Civil War. Powell’s City of Books, 1005 W Burnside, 228-4651, 7:30 pm

Bodyvox’s Halloween celebration, creating a fullyconceived environment meant to surprise and spook. BodyVox Dance Center, 1201 NW 17th, 229-0627, Thurs-Sat 7:30 pm, Wed Oct 31, 7:30 pm and Sat Nov 3, 2 pm, through Nov 3, $36

MONDAY 10/29 CLOSE IS FINE

Ooligan Press is throwing a party for the release of Eliot Treichel’s debut, a collection of short stories about the quirky inhabitants of a rural Wisconsin town. Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside, 231-9663, 5 pm

JOHN PERRY The Art of Procrastination makes the case that putting things off is beneficial to your productivity, so long as there’s a structure to your slacking. Powell’s Books at Cedar Hills Crossing, 3415 SW Cedar Hills, Beaverton, 228-4651, 7 pm

KIM STAFFORD 100 Tricks Every Boy Can Do: How My Brother Disappeared is the story of how a suicide in the family of celebrated poet William Stafford left its members learning about the nature of depression, and the path back towards joy. Powell’s City of Books, 1005 W Burnside, 228-4651, 7:30 pm

ROBERT DEBORDE Portlandtown is a supernatural western in the style of Stephen King’s The Dark Tower. Powell’s Books on Hawthorne, 3723 SE Hawthorne, 228-4651, 7:30 pm

TUESDAY 10/30 MATTHEW INMAN

See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 15.

CRITICAL HIT/NAKED GIRLS READING TEAM-UP The minds behind Burlynomicon combine with the ladies who bring you Naked Girls Reading for an evening of storytelling in the buff, followed by dance performances. Star Theater, 13 NW 6th, 248-4700, 8 pm, $10-15

THEATER A CHORUS LINE Broadway Across America presents a performance of one of theater’s seminal musicals, winner of nine Tony Awards and a Pulitzer Prize for drama, detailing the hopes and dreams of 17 dancers at the same audition. Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1037 SW Broadway, 2484335, Sun Oct 28, 7 pm, $34.75

DRACULA: A MUSICAL NIGHTMARE Stumptown Stages presents a high-camp, comedy/musical interpretation of the classic story about a fancy-pants bloodsucking freak and the nebbish idiot who visits him in his castle and winds up ruining his life. Brunish Hall, 1111 SW Broadway. Thurs-Sat 7:30 pm, Sun Oct 28, 2 pm and Wed Oct 31, 10 pm, through Nov 11, $22.75-35.25

THE TELL-TALE HEART Tears of Joy’s adaptation of Poe’s classic story on why neurotic murderers shouldn’t hide dead bodies under the floorboards of their house. Featuring a blend of live actors, masks, and life-size puppets. PSU Lincoln Performance Hall, 1620 SW Park, Fri-Sat 8 pm, through Oct 27, $14-17

40 Portland Mercury October 25, 2012

THE BLACK LIZARD

COMEDY COMEDY GRAB BAG A comedy variety show, featuring stand-up by Don Frost and Christopher Hiuzar; musical improv by Annie Vergnette; and monologist Randy Blazak telling stories based on audience suggestions, which are then turned into improv comedy by the Baguettes. Funhouse Lounge, 2432 SE 11th, 309-3723, Fri Oct 26, 8 pm.

DEATH/SEX 2: SPECTRAVAGASM See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 15.

FUNNIER ON THE INSIDE Christen Manville and Iris Gorman host a timey-wimey night of stand-up, featuring performances from Whitney Streed, Marcia Belsky, Manuel Hall, and Bri Pruett. The TARDIS Room, 1218 N Killingsworth, Thurs Oct 25, 9 pm

HALL-O-PEN-MIC-WEEN See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 15.

VISUAL ART FREAK OUT! A Halloween-themed party celebrating the community grown around Backtalk, featuring art from San Francisco based artist Chris Sullivan, live music from Talkative and Concrete Crow, and E.D. Hall’s tarot debut. Backtalk, 1609 NE Alberta, Fri Oct 26, 7 pm

GEMMA CORRELL An exclusive show featuring works from the UK artist best known for her humorous illustrations of pugs, as well as her work for the New York Times, The Observer, and Hallmark. Land, 3925 N Mississippi, 451-0689, through Nov 4

MICHAEL ANTON DILA The MFA in Collaborative Design welcomes Michael Anton Dila as part of the 2012-2013 Graduate Visiting Lecture Series. PNCA Swigert Commons, 1241 NW Johnson, Tues Oct 30, 6:30 pm

MYTHOLOGIA: GODS, HEROES, AND MONSTERS An exhibition featuring 70 different works from artists such as Giovanni Battista Piranesi, Max Klinger, Lovis Corinth, and Pablo Picasso, focused on the lives and the gods of ancient Greeks and Romans. Portland Art Museum, 1219 SW Park, 226-2811, through Jan 27, 2013

NUDES AND NUDITIES IN GREEK ART A presentation from Jeffrey Hurwit, Professor of Art History and Classics at University of Oregon, investigating the nature and meanings of nudity in the art of ancient Greece and Rome. University of Oregon (Portland Campus), 70 NW Couch, 412-3696, Sun Oct 28, 2 pm

For a complete calendar of arts events, see portlandmercury.com


LAST SUPPER

Rookie Moves

Alberta Substation’s Rocky First Quarter by Chris Onstad

EAT IT!

KATIE SWEZEY

AS A SPORTS BAR, Alberta Substation is fined the tri-tip Korean tacos ($4.75). The great: Massive TVs and projection screens nachos ($5.50 for the happy-hour version), on every wall face scores of clean, spacious mysteriously served without the adverbooths, raised tables, and comfortable bar- tised sour cream and guacamole (read: stools. The beautiful mirrored wall of li- the expensive parts), were a pile of lifequor—six shelves, 20-some-feet high—is less salsa, black olives, and canned jalaa smartly stocked library, and mixed well peños atop dried-out cheese. A delicateby the staff. Taps gleam, glassware glows, sounding curiosity, the watermelon and feta salad ($6.25), was slabs of and a soaring ceiling gives the Alberta watermelon and feta propped up interior the masculine feel of an Substation in tepee form around a mound old bank. The framed jerseys 2703 NE Alberta of arugula that had been rinsed of disgraced heroes—Canseco, 284-4491 Rose, Simpson—hang in humor- albertasubstation.com with a nearly flavorless rice wine vinaigrette. An extremely thick ous silent commentary, and on game day, throngs of fans fill the room with batter coats all deep-fried items, which, a brotherhood of cheers and back slapping. while attractive, does have the unfortunate The friendly staff is fast and thorough, even effect of lining the mouth and belly with an oleaginous slick. Even the fish in the fish at peak capacity. On that score, it works. It is also a restaurant, though, with a big ’n’ chips ($12.50), which was two decent cod and somewhat ambitious menu. The former filets, was difficult for two to finish. The rye for the Reuben sandwich Siam Society space has a full kitchen, and a team of cooks turning out bar standards like ($10.75) had been burned, so the cook had burgers, grilled sandwiches, protein-heavy turned the blackened side of the bread insalads, and an 11-item weekend brunch. ward to hide it. Toast is expensive—I can Unfortunately, on nearly every count the understand this. However, it made the food falls short of standard, or even accept- sandwich a total loss, and technically carable. Sure, it’s a bar first, and what kind cinogenic. Similarly acrid was the openof serious person critiques bar food? Well, faced smoked pork chop sandwich ($11.50), I do, because it costs a lot of money. Din- a thick, juicy, smoked boneless chop under ner for three here ranged from $60-80 with a rich brown demi-glace-type mushroom a round of drinks and a 20 percent tip, and and peppercorn sauce. It looked promising in a town where that’s about 10 percent of enough, but the incredible saltiness of the someone’s rent, the mediocrity you get in sauce burned the tongue and scared the heart, and a generous dose of whole, unreturn is enough to get your blood up. First, the good. Silly as this might chewable peppercorns was a bizarre sursound, the Station Big Mac ($11.25), which prise. The grill marks were so black and is a large-scale rendition of the “two all-beef bitter as to call into question the condition patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pick- of the grill itself. A brunch menu provides weekend issues. les, onions, on a sesame-seed bun” jingle, was the only completely successful item we The “breakfast potatoes” in the corned beef tried. A double-decker burger is tricky; with hash with ancho hollandaise ($10.50) were, correctly sized patties and a good bun, this suspiciously, deep-fried. The cubed corned ate well and cleanly, proving the universal beef and peppers may have been as well, appeal of the Big Mac’s flavor combination. judging by the puddle of oil beneath it all. The house cocktails are also better crafted Now in detective mode, I counted 10 chunks than one might expect in a room with tele- of meat in the mountain of starch, seven of vised images of people named Lardarius* which were pure fat. Over it all was spooned loping around. The “North Side” (tequila, an “ancho hollandaise” so broken, I didn’t grapefruit juice, Angostura bitters, lemon even know it was meant to be an emulsion juice, club soda, $7) was tightly balanced until I re-read the menu. It was stained and refreshing; the trickier Double Agent butter-water that tasted distantly of spice. It seems pointless to go on running up (Medoyeff vodka, Aviation gin, Cocchi the score. The picture is as clear as the HD Americano, dry vermouth, $9) was silken. After that, the downhill slide into I’d- units on the walls: Have dinner somewhere like-to-see-the-chef-eat-this begins where else before catching the game. the menu does. Alberta Substation is open Monday-Friday, Rancid sesame oil has a distinct and 4 pm-late, weekends 9 am-late. dominating flavor, and it essentially de* Lardarius Webb (Baltimore Ravens) almost surpasses Terdell “Say That Out Loud” Sands as my favoritely named NFL player. Almost. FIND RESTAURANTS, BARS, AND READER REVIEWS AT PORTLANDMERCURY.COM

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October 25, 2012 Portland Mercury 41


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FILM

Lost in Translation

Adapting the Unadaptable Cloud Atlas by Alison Hallett DAVID MITCHELL’S 2004 novel Cloud Atlas has long been considered unfi lmable, and make no Cloud Atlas mistake: It dirs. Tom Tykwer, Andy Wachowski, Lana Wachowski still is. The Opens Fri Oct 26 new movie by Various Theaters the Wachowskis and collaborator Tom Tykwer is very much an adaptation, borrowing the basic outline of Mitchell’s book to create something entirely its own. The fi lm juggles six characters with six distinct storylines, set in time periods ranging from the 1830s to a distant, post-apocalyptic future. The characters’ lives are linked by the stories they leave behind: a 19th-century gentleman writes a journal that is read by a composer in the 1930s, the composer’s symphony is unearthed by a journalist in the 1970s, and so on. These stories aren’t told chronologically, but in tandem; time-hopping scenes are spliced together in an impressive sleight of editing that maintains tension within each vignette and the fi lm as a whole. Moreover,

each storyline has a distinct style, from the slick futurism of a story set in “Neo Seoul,” where a sub-human class of clones is genetically engineered to do menial labor, to a smarmy ’70s drama starring Halle Barry as a plucky young reporter.

CLOUD ATLAS Cloudy with a chance of metaphysics.

No One’s Winning

FILM

The House I Live In and America’s Drug War by Denis C. Theriault

ON JUNE 17, 1971, Dick Nixon, as sallow ers. Despite nearly $1 trillion in spendand sweaty as ever, awkwardly took the ing, plus a cruel range of choker-collar stage at a press conference The House I Live In drug laws and sentencing provisions, abuse and adthat was supposed to give him dir. Eugene Jarecki Opens Fri Oct 26 diction rates remain largely one more laurel for his loomFox Tower 10 unchanged. ing reelection. Instead, he Meanwhile, the nation-wrecking fallspat out words that forever diminished out is everywhere—in hollowed-out AfAmerican history. “We must wage what I have called total rican American neighborhoods, in educawar against public enemy number one in tion budgets starved to fund our addicthe United States,” he said, “the problem tion to a vengeful jurisprudence, and in stuffed, for-profit prisons whose owners of dangerous drugs.” But Nixon’s “war”—which once, if reliably buy elected officials committed quietly, prized treatment over punish- to the status quo. No, this isn’t a new story. But it’s not ment—has long since crumbled into a grim siege with no winners. Just los- bullshit to say it’s never been told better,

Trumped Up

Some appalling makeup jobs notwithstanding, part of the fun of Cloud Atlas is watching different actors play different roles in each story: Tom Hanks’ roles include a murderous doctor and a gibberishspouting tribesman; Ben Whishaw plays

Yep, Donald Trump Is a Dick by Erik Henriksen

FILM

THE FACT that Donald Trump comes off embodies the cliché of the arrogant, stupid as a dick in You’ve Been Trumped will be American—happy to fuck over those less a surprise to no one. An earnest, overlong wealthy, and even happier to gloat about doing so. documentary about the dick’s You’ve Been Trumped And fuck them over he decision to build a billion-doldir. Anthony Baxter does. Baxter exhaustively lar complex in rural Scotland Opens Fri Oct 26 catalogs each of Trump’s le(one with two golf courses, Living Room Theaters gally questionable, morally a 450-occupancy hotel, luxury homes, and timeshares), You’ve Been despicable incursions, gleefully keeping Trumped fi nds director Anthony Baxter his cameras rolling as the sanctimonious using fi lm as a weapon to go after Trump Trump dodges questions and calls the with all the gusto he can manage. Which is locals’ homes “disgusting” and “slums.” a lot. And Trump deserves just about all of Baxter’s even arrested at one point— it. Running roughshod over environmen- by cops who may or may not have been tal concerns and the pleas of those who bought off—and while he relishes coating live on and near the land he wants, Trump his fi lm in sappy music and melodramatic

or more effectively, than in Eugene Jarecki’s damning documentary The House I Live In. With a parade of glum statistics and wrenchingly honest testimonials from the supposed foot soldiers helping the government wage this futile fight, Jarecki (Why We Fight) has produced a masterful overview of the modern drug war’s racist roots and its still-blossoming poison flowers. (And, let’s not forget another bonus: The Wire’s David Simon, and his flapping genius lips, are in heavy rotation.) Jarecki reminds us that drug laws have historically been wielded against “uppity” ethnic populations (the Chinese and opium bans, Mexicans and marijuana laws, among others). He also makes clear that our modern war—declared amid an unprecedented urban migration of black Americans—deserves its own place among that terrible tradition’s rightful descendants.

sound effects, You’ve Been Trumped is at its most effective when the charming, blue-collar Scots who’re being shoved aside simply tell their stories. Local Michael Forbes gets his water supply cut off and his property trespassed upon; one of his neighbors uses a camera Baxter gives her to document Trump’s degradation of the land, and is blown off by Trump and local law authorities as a troublemaker. “I’m not a demonstrator,” she says. “I live here.” Whether or not that matters is up for debate: In the time since You’ve Been Trumped was made, Trump has opened one of his planned courses, but is holding off on building the rest while he butts heads with the Scottish government over their plans to build a nearby wind farm. Trump doesn’t want the turbines to ruin his view.

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both a moody bisexual composer and an elderly woman. Actors are cast across race and gender, and it’s worth sticking around for the credits to see how many crossover cameos you missed. Given the audacity of its undertaking—and its nearly three-hour runtime— Cloud Atlas is remarkably cohesive. Some storylines resonate more than others, but they’re all efficiently told: Each episode is distilled to a few key characters, a few crucial scenes. But while its pieces are impressively wrought, the only theme that clearly emerges from the fi lm as a whole relates to the persistence of the human spirit through the ages. That’s kind of a bullshitty theme, really—for all the energy and flair this adaptation possesses, it’s so focused on pulling off the logistics of adapting Mitchell’s novel that there isn’t room for much depth.

GEEK OUT VENGEANCE OPTIONAL Dishonored Developed by Arkane Studios Now Available for Xbox 360, PlayStation 3, and PC IMAGINE A GAME that, aesthetically, is a cross between Half-Life and BioShock. Your character’s like that guy from Assassin’s Creed—only he can teleport, stop time, and send hordes of plague rats after his foes. Gameplay-wise, Dishonored is equal parts Thief and Deus Ex, while its storyline is like 1984 as reimagined by George R.R. Martin’s lazy older brother who you never hear much about. Normally I wouldn’t directly compare all those things—but in the case of Arkane Studios’ Dishonored, there’s no better way to illustrate how much I love this title. All those aforementioned games and stories are undeniable classics, and despite only being released earlier this month, Dishonored stands right alongside them. Why? To put it simply, the game gives you choices: Dishonored gives you an open, sandbox-style world, asks you to complete various missions, then leaves you alone to figure out how to accomplish these tasks. Unlike most games that would have one solution, Dishonored’s missions all feature many, many different ways to achieve your objectives. Say, for instance, you’re tasked with killing a man who you recently discovered is hanging out at the local brothel. You could run in, sword swinging, and simply murder everyone in the building, or you could sneak silently through the halls until he’s in your crosshairs. For that matter, you could use your teleportation abilities to climb up to his window before shooting him in the face. Hell, if you’re good enough, you can even possess the target and force him to jump off a nearby balcony into the sea. Point being: There’s no end to the options in Dishonored. If you think something should work, it almost always does. That makes this title infinitely replayable—and makes for the most compelling action game experience of the year. EARNEST “NEX” CAVALLI

October 25, 2012 Portland Mercury 43


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FILM SHORTS

FAT KID RULES THE WORLD

A selection of Portland filmmaker Jim Blashfield’s innovative music videos, made for everyone from Michael Jackson to the Talking Heads to Paul Simon. Director in attendance. Northwest Film Center’s Whitsell Auditorium.

THE BOURNE LEGACY

Stupidity of the term aside, it’s easiest to describe The Bourne Legacy as a “sidequel” to the Bourne flicks that starred Matt Damon: Legacy occurs during roughly the same timeframe, but thanks to Bourne’s shenanigans, the government’s decided to wipe out all of its experimental soldiers, including Aaron Cross (Jeremy Renner). Plus, Cross is running out of the meds that keep him all smart and tough—meaning that unless he and Dr. Marta Shearing (Rachel Weisz) can get him more pills, he’ll go all Flowers for Algernon. Crammed full of technobabble and superfluous plot (“Blackbriar!” “Treadstone!” “BETA TEST GROUP C, ALPHA CODE TANGO!”), Legacy makes as much sense as all the other Bournes, which is to say none. But Renner’s a solid action hero—angry and driven—while director Tony Gilroy, who wrote the Damon Bournes before directing the excellent Michael Clayton, continues the series’ blurry, spastic action. ERIK HENRIKSEN Various Theaters.

★ THE CABIN IN THE WOODS See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 15. Fifth Avenue Cinema.

CHASING MAVERICKS A film based on “the inspirational true story of surfing icon Jay Moriarty.” Okay! See portlandmercury.com for our review. Various Theaters.

CLOUD ATLAS

See review this issue. Various Theaters.

★ DEAD ALIVE The classic, funny, gory horror flick—made by Peter Jackson before he had CG and unlimited budgets. Free Halloween screenings! Cinema 21

DIANA VREELAND: THE EYE HAS TO TRAVEL For a subject so intensely associated with looking toward the future, fashion has been busy sewing up its modern history. Bill Cunningham, Valentino, and Anna Wintour have all had their own recent documentaries, and now there’s Diana Vreeland: The Eye Has to Travel, about the

★ FAT KID RULES THE WORLD One of the many pleasures of The Descendants was rediscovering Matthew Lillard, all grown up and subtle and Shaggy no more. Now comes Lillard’s directorial debut, which brings K. L. Going’s award-winning young adult novel—about a suicidal fat kid in Seattle drawn into a friendship (and a punk band) with a troubled dropout—to the big screen. It’s terrific, and laced throughout with richly humane moments that nail down big, well-known concepts—the push-and-pull of family love, the thrill of live music, the shittiness of loving a junkie (even platonically)—with affecting precision. Secret weapon: Billy Campbell’s hard-ass dad with a heart of gold. DAVID SCHMADER Living Room Theaters. ★ FILMUSIK: TURKISH STAR WARS Some movies are so bad they’re good. And some movies are so bad they pass through being good and go back to being bad. The Man Who Saves the World (colloquially known as Turkish Star Wars) rolls over that particular odometer so many times it’s hard to say where it ends up. Filmusik has done an admirable job then, in transmogrifying this Anatolian fever dream into an enjoyable 90 minutes of augmented cinema. Filmusik’s shtick is to run the film silently and recreate the audio live: They pretty much fill the Hollywood Theatre stage with actors, an orchestra, and things to punch, and while the setup sounds clunky, it works. At a recent preview screening, voice acting was just good enough and just bad enough that I forgot it wasn’t coming from the film. The sound effects were great and largely practical: boots and knives and coconuts for the horses. I asked one cast member why they had a cabbage, and she told me it was for “when the bear-things get their arms ripped off,” which is totally a thing that happens. BEN COLEMAN Hollywood Theatre.

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★ GHOSTBUSTERS See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 15. Laurelhurst Theater.

HOTEL TRANSYLVANIA My conversation with a seven-year-old kid after exiting Hotel Transylvania: ME: Soooo... what did you think? KID: It was good. ME: Did you think it was funny? KID: No. WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY Various Theaters.

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FUN SIZE It’s Halloween night and Wren and her bratty best friend April are stuck taking Wren’s goober of a little brother, Albert, trick-or-treating. They should be going to the infamous Aaron Riley’s Halloween party, but nooooo, Wren’s widowed mother (Chelsea Handler) wanted to go to her 26-year-old boyfriend’s Halloween party where a man in a bear costume farts on everyone. Being a teenager sucks. As the trick-or-treating comes to an end, Albert runs away, so Wren and April have to scour the city to find him. Shenanigans ensue! April almost kills an asthmatic cat with the Nair she has up her butt, a comic book nerd gets beat up by a large Samoan man after nearly setting the man’s apartment on fire, a bunch of Beastie Boy references get dropped, a large mechanical chicken buttfucks a Volvo, some weird pedophilia jokes get made, Johnny Knoxville gets hit in the nuts, and (super duper not-at-all-surprising spoiler alert!) the charming nerd gets the pretty girl. It’s 200 Cigarettes for the PG-13 crowd. MEGAN SELING Various Theaters.

enter taining Por tl and since 1926

TIN HOUSE PrESENTS ARTHUR MILLER’S

★ THE BLASHFIELD STUDIO’S CLASSIC MUSIC VIDEOS

★ EVIL DEAD 2 See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 15. Hollywood Theatre.

THE MISFITS

★ THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 15. Academy Theater.

★ ECO-HORROR SPOOKTACULAR See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 15. Hollywood Theatre.

WiTh adaM BravE BooK SiGNiNG! sUndAY AUGUst 19 · 2:00pm

★ ARGO If you snoozed through the Iranian hostage crisis by not being born yet, a refresher: The US and some other imperialists have historically been major assholes to Iran, so in 1979, the Iranian people were like, “Actually, no!” and they rose up and stormed the US embassy, where some 60 Americans were frantically trying to shred stuff and not be murdered. Six Americans escaped through a back door. (Nice embassy-storming, amateurs!) While the world was focused on what was happening to the dozens of hostages inside the embassy, those six were stuck at the Canadian ambassador’s house—with no way to get out. Enter: Ben Affleck as a CIA hostage wrangler with an insane plan to create a fake sci-fi movie called Argo, call the six escaped hostages a film crew, and then GTFO. And you guys: This actually happened. I did a crappy job at explaining all of that, but Argo does not; Affleck’s direction delivers a brilliantly simple telling of a complicated story. Detailed without ever feeling dense, the film should satisfy nearly all classes of nerds (history! Politics! Science fiction! Movies!), as well as normals who just want to watch something entertaining. ELINOR JONES Various Theaters.

legendary fashion editor and Costume Institute visionary. For admirers of fashion and cultural history, it’s a marvelous time. For those coming in cold or seeking serious critical analysis, entries like Diana come up a little short. MARJORIE SKINNER Fox Tower 10.

oPENS friday ocToBEr 26

rE-ruN ThEaTEr PRESENTS THE EYE-CANDY

HAlloween HodGe podGe of

Horror! WEdNESday ocToBEr 31 · 7:00pm See the Mercury movie section for showtimes, and visit our NEW website

w w w .H o l l y

w o o d T H e a T r e . org

UNLESS OTHERWISE NOTED. FILM TIMES AND SHORTS ARE ALSO AVAILABLE AT PORTLANDMERCURY.COM.

October 25, 2012 Portland Mercury 45


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this film is rated r. Please note: Passes received through this promotion do not guarantee you a seat at the theatre. Seating is on a first come, first served basis, except for members of the reviewing press. Theatre is overbooked to ensure a full house. No admittance once screening has begun. All federal, state and local regulations apply. A recipient of tickets assumes any and all risks related to use of ticket, and accepts any restrictions required by ticket provider. Paramount Pictures, Portland Mercury and their affiliates accept no responsibility or liability in connection with any loss or accident incurred in connection with use of a prize. Tickets cannot be exchanged, transferred or redeemed for cash, in whole or in part. We are not responsible if, for any reason, recipient is unable to use his/her ticket in whole or in part. All federal and local taxes are the responsibility of the winner. Void where prohibited by law. No purchase necessary. Participating sponsors, their employees and family members and their agencies are not eligible. NO PHONE CALLS!

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From Executive Producers

DANNY GLOVER, JOHN LEGEND, BRAD PITT & RUSSELL SIMMONS

A FILM BY EUGENE JARECKI CHARLOTTE STREET FILMS PRESENTS AN EDGEWOOD WAY PRODUCTION A BBC/ITVS/ZDF CO-PRODUCTION ‘THE HOUSE I LIVE IN’ DIRECTORS OF COPHOTOGRAPHY SAM CULLMAN DEREK HALLQUIST EDITOR PAUL FROST MUSIC ROBERT MILLER PRODUCER CHRISTOPHER ST.JOHN EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS DAVID ALCARO JOSLYN BARNES SALLYJO FIFER NICK FRASER DANNY GLOVER JOHN LEGEND BRAD PITT RUSSELL SIMMONS WRITTEN AND PRODUCERS EUGENE JARECKI MELINDA SHOPSIN DIRECTED BY EUGENE JARECKI

OPENS FRIDAY OCT. 26 46 Portland Mercury October 25, 2012

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FILM SHORTS

GHOSTBUSTERS ★ THE HOUSE I LIVE IN See review this issue. Fox Tower 10. ★ LOOPER Looper is “just” an action movie the same way Brick was “just” a noir, or The Brothers Bloom was “just” a heist flick: All three were written and directed by Rian Johnson, and with each, Johnson appropriates the skeleton of a genre, then fleshes it out in astonishingly clever ways. All you need to know to enjoy Looper is that actions have consequences—and Looper is an action movie. ERIK HENRIKSEN Various Theaters.

Frank company. Frank hates the robot... until, thinking back on his days as a cat burglar, he realizes he might be able to trick the robot into helping him pull off a heist. A goofy plot twist or two aside, Robot and Frank is phenomenal—funny and sad and kind and weird and insightful. It’s one of my favorite movies I’ve seen in a long time. ERIK HENRIKSEN Laurelhurst Theater.

Another Halloween, another stupid Paranormal Activity. Various Theaters.

★ SEVEN PSYCHOPATHS Martin McDonagh’s feverish, hilarious story about a drunk screenwriter, Marty (Colin Farrell). And the probably insane Billy (Sam Rockwell). And a charming, doddering dog thief (charming, doddering Christopher Walken), and an Amish sociopath (Harry Dean Stanton), and an exceedingly troubled man with a bunny (Tom Waits), and a trigger-happy crime boss (Woody Harrelson). Things get a bit meta, and they get impressively bloody, and there might be one or two women in it? Briefly? There is definitely a dog in it. This isn’t a movie for everybody, but it’s well aware of that fact, and it’s a hell of a good time. ERIK HENRIKSEN Various Theaters.

PARANORMAN

SILENT HILL: REVELATION

NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD & RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD

A zombie double feature, with Romero’s classic Night of the Living Dead and Dan O’Bannon’s significantly less classic Return of the Living Dead. Bagdad Theater.

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 4

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: There’s this little kid, and he can see dead people. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “This kid, he’s probably well adjusted and super popular with his peers, am I right? A hit with all the ladies?” No! Believe it or not, he’s kind of an outcast! A social pariah, even! Okay, now I don’t want to spoil anything, but the twist? This social handicap of his might turn out to save the day. Sounds crazy, right? I know, but it’s true! That, unfortunately, is the recyclingbin plot the talented animators at LAIKA have saddled themselves with on ParaNorman. It doesn’t get any better in the telling, and probably gets worse, which is a shame, because the animation is so finely crafted and obviously painstaking that not loving it makes you feel like a real poopface. VINCE MANCINI Various Theaters.

★ THE PERKS OF BEING A WALLFLOWER After I read—and completely fell in love with—The Perks of Being a Wallflower, I dreaded seeing the movie. I didn’t think I could stomach any changes to such a sweet, sad, and triumphant story. But guess what? This movie totally worked! I still can’t believe it. The cathartic Perks captures the sometimes-awesome/always-awkward pains and victories of American teenagerdom in a way that few movies do. ELINOR JONES Various Theaters. ★ PITCH PERFECT Bridesmaids’ female-driven raunch trickles down to college in Pitch Perfect, a deeply derivative yet totally enjoyable teen movie about a college a capella group. Essentially Glee with swearing and vagina jokes, this movie has about a billion problems, and I don’t care about any of them because SONG BATTLES. Bonus: Anna Kendrick is utterly adorable as an angsty wannabe record producer, and Elizabeth Banks is great as a cheerfully bitter contest announcer. ALISON HALLETT Various Theaters.

PORTLAND HUMANIST FILM FESTIVAL A fest featuring “films that give expression to the humanist approach to life based on reason, science, and ethics.” More info: humanistfest.com. Cinema 21.

What? Another crappy-looking horror flick that wasn’t screened for critics? Why, I never.... Various Theaters.

SING-ALONG MOULIN ROUGE “A champagne- and absinthe-drenched,” not obnoxious at all sing-along screening of Baz Luhrmann’s execrable Moulin Rouge, in which attendees are encouraged to wear “monstrous monocles” and “ghastly garters”, so as to go along with the holiday theme “Ghoul-in Rouge” and OH GOD MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOPPPP Star Theater.

VOICES IN ACTION: HUMAN RIGHTS ON FILM The Northwest Film Center’s human rights-centric series. This week’s selections: Brothers on the Line, The World Before Her, and Escape Fire: The Fight to Rescue American Healthcare. More info: nwfilm.org. Northwest Film Center’s Whitsell Auditorium.

★ WAKE IN FRIGHT John Grant (Gary Bond) is a schoolteacher stationed in the middle of nowhere—well, the middle of the Australian Outback, which is more or less the same thing. When the term ends, he boards a train to Sydney, stopping off overnight in the remote working-class town of Bundanyabba, referred to by locals as “the Yabba.” Virtually forced into drinking himself into oblivion by friendly-seeming but ominous locals, John loses all his money and finds himself trapped in the dry, hot hell of the Yabba without any real way to leave. Dusty, sweaty, and seamy, Wake in Fright was lost for several years after its original release in 1971. While its absence may have enhanced its reputation as a “lost” landmark of Australian cinema, looking at the restored film now reveals it’s as potent and intense and brutal as it must’ve been when it first came out. NED LANNAMANN Hollywood Theatre.

YOU’VE BEEN TRUMPED

See review this issue. Living Room Theaters.

REEL MUSIC NW Film Center’s annual music/film series wraps up with a whole lotta docs. For more info, see nwfilm.org and “Reel Big Fest” (Mercury, Oct 11). Northwest Film Center’s Whitsell Auditorium.

★ ROBOT & FRANK Grumpy ex-con Frank (Frank Langella) is old, tired, and starting to lose his memory. So his son buys him a robotic “health care aide” who’s programmed to monitor and improve Frank’s physical and mental health. The robot takes out the trash, goes grocery shopping, and keeps

★ MEANS WE RECOMMEND IT. THEATER LOCATIONS ARE ACCURATE FRIDAY OCTOBER 26-THURSDAY NOVEMBER 1, UNLESS OTHERWISE NOTED. FILM TIMES AND SHORTS ARE ALSO AVAILABLE AT PORTLANDMERCURY.COM.

October 25, 2012 Portland Mercury 47


SAVAGE LOVE

Porn Warn by Dan Savage What the hell do I say to my straight 14-yearold son about porn? Should I say anything? My sister tells me that all the research shows my son has been looking at porn for three years already. Am I too late? Distressed Anxious Dad

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According to the Today show and the Boston Globe and the American Family Association and most of what pops up when you Google “kids and porn,” DAD, you’re three years late to this pants-shitting party. “The average age a child first views internet pornography is 11,” Matt Lauer warned parents on Today seven years ago. “And those kids don’t look away.” But the alarming statistic Lauer cited— which was used to justify all sorts of proposed crackdowns on online porn—turned out to be total bullshit. Way, way back in 2005, Seth Lubove, a writer for Forbes, traced the stat back to its source. The Today show got it from the Boston Globe, the Boston Globe got it from Family Safe Media, “a small fi rm in Provo, Utah, [which] is in the business of scaring parents into buying software to protect their kids from internet smut.” Family Safe Media got it from Internet Filter Review, a website that markets content-blocking software. Internet Filter Review got it from The Drug of the New Millennium, a self-published book about the dangers of porn addiction. Lubove tracked down the self-published author, and guess what? He couldn’t recall where he got that stat. Somewhere along the line, Third Way, “a Washington think tank that helps Democrats grab on to red-state issues,” was seriously pimping the bogus stat to credulous conservative Dems. Lubove reviewed actual research done by legit social scientists—a real study! A statistically significant population sample! A randomsample survey!—and reported that most kids don’t start actively seeking out online porn until age 14. So you’re not too late, DAD. Now, here’s what I think you should tell your son about porn: There’s a lot of it out there, some of it’s pretty fucked up, and he can get in huge and potentially life-derailing trouble if he gets caught watching or downloading the wrong kind of porn, e.g., underage, kiddie, etc. You should tell your son that the sex in porn bears about as much resemblance to real-life sex as action movies bear to real-life life. And warn him that a lot of porn is made by and for guys who have no other sexual outlets, i.e., guys who have no wives, no girlfriends, and no hope. Many of these guys—many, not most, but many— are angry and resentful, and their anger and resentment is a poison that creeps into a lot of porn; sometimes the poison is obvious, sometimes it’s not. If you put it in your straight son’s head that the poisonously misogynist shit he’ll see in some porn is there to appeal to angry losers who can’t get laid, DAD, your son will be less likely to internalize it—because your son doesn’t want to see himself as an angry loser, right? Finally, DAD, if your son is watching porn, he’s masturbating. Tell him to vary his routine: left hand, right hand, a little lube, a lot of lube, fi rm grip, loose grip. You don’t want your son to ruin himself for partnered sex by using the “death grip”—a fist clenched tighter than any human throat or pussy can clench. And send him to makelovenotporn.com for a brisk, sexpositive porn-versus-reality check.

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A while ago, I broke up with my long-term boyfriend. A few months after the breakup, I met someone new and we started sleeping together. It was the best sex of my life. Wild, passionate, and unpredictable. New Guy

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48 Portland Mercury October 25, 2012

wasn’t looking for anything serious, and neither was I, so we kept things very casual. After a couple months of amazing sex with New Guy, my long-term boyfriend came back into the picture. I told him I’d been seeing other people, but that I missed him and wanted to make things work between us. All good, right? Wrong! I think we could have a very happy life together, but when we have sex, it just seems so dull and average compared to the volcanic sex that I was having during our time apart. Do I sacrifi ce an amazing sex life for a happy life of decidedly average sex with the man I love? Help! Missing Amazing Sex You’re not going to be happy having safe, boring, predictable sex with Mr. Long Term for the long term, right? Not after all that wild, passionate, unpredictable sex with Mr. New Guy. So if things don’t improve, your relationship with Mr. Long Term is doomed. So you have nothing to lose by slapping your cards down on the table, MAS. Tell Mr. Long Term the truth: The sex has to get better. Now, maybe Mr. Long Term is the problem (he could be lousy at sex) or maybe it’s the combo of you and Mr. Long Term that’s the problem (maybe you two just don’t click sexually), and the relationship is doomed no matter what you do. But there’s a chance your problem is a relatively common hang-up, MAS. It’s possible that you, or Mr. Long JOE NEWTON Term, or you and Mr. Long Term feel inhibited during sex because you’re in love, and people who are in love are supposed to have sex one way (you’re supposed to make safe, boring, predictable love). But people who aren’t in love—people like you and Mr. New Guy—are free to have sex another way (they’re allowed to have wild, passionate, and unpredictable fucks). Give Mr. Long Term permission to fuck you like he’s never going to see you again. You should fuck him the same way. Fuck each other like the stakes are low—fuck like it’s casual, fuck like it could end at any time. The “lovemaking” inhibition can be literally fucked to death, if it’s indeed the problem here, and once you’ve fucked it good and dead, you’ll see that you can have a happy life, a committed relationship, and wild, passionate, unpredictable sex— with the same person! But you gotta want it bad enough to fuck for it. I’m a straight woman in a monogamous, long-distance relationship with a straight man. Last weekend, I went out with my roommate (also a straight woman, also in a committed relationship). We went to a club, took some E, and did way too many tequila shots. We stumbled home and ended up fingerbanging each other in my bed. I have never had sexual feelings for my roommate, and she says she doesn’t have them for me. Do I have to tell my boyfriend about this indiscretion? I know he would be confused and upset. It was a strange, one-time thing that I plan on never doing again. Not a Lesbian I Think If it was a one-time thing, if you learned your lesson, if you’re sure it won’t happen again, if you didn’t contract anything, and if there are no fetuses gestating (which, barring a miracle, is not an issue for you), you don’t need to disclose this indiscretion. Chalk it up to the E and the tequila, change your sheets, scrub under your fi ngernails, and spare your boyfriend the upsetting details. Find the Savage Lovecast at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net @fakedansavage on Twitter

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by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey SO HERE’S MY great idea for a horror fi lm: Two teenagers are at summer camp, sneaking off to have sex—OF COURSE. Just when they’re about to take a ride on the wild baloney pony, they hear a rustling in the dark. “Caitlyn, the nosy bitch camp counselor? Is that you?” OH, NO! It’s not Caitlyn! Another rustle… and then… SQUEEEEEEEEE! Oh. False alarm. It’s just a cute squirrel foraging for a nut. Phew! But then… SQUEEEEEEEEE! It’s an army of werewolf zombie vampire mummies—which, c’mon… is pretty terrible! But do you know what’s most terrible? (Pause.) (Pause.) (Pause.) They all have Honey Boo Boo’s FACE!! SQUEEEEEEEEE! Wait. Let me amend that. They all have the faces of various TLC celebrities! SQUEEEEEEEEE! Sure, there’s Honey Boo Boo, but there’s also Kate Gosselin (Jon & Kate Plus 8), toddlers wearing tiaras (Toddlers & Tiaras), unattractive polygamists (Sister Wives), and Sarah Palin (Sarah Palin’s Alaska), as well as various hoarders, women who didn’t know they were pregnant, people who eat sandpaper, AND Abby and Brittany—who just because they have two heads on one body doesn’t make them monsters. They’re just different… okay?! Wait. On second thought, maybe I won’t have the monsters come in at all, and the movie can just be about hot teens having sex. I’ll make more money that way. Or spend more time in prison? Look, I’ll think about that, and you take a look at the scareific shows belching from your TV this week. • Mockingbird Lane (NBC, Fri Oct 26, 8 pm). Here’s the pilot episode/reboot of the mid-’60s sitcom classic The Munsters—which stars Jerry O’Connell (Sliders) as Herman Munster, Eddie Izzard (The Riches) as Grandpa, and Portia de Rossi (Arrested Development and Ellen DeGeneres’ spouse who wears terriblelooking slacks) as Lily. If it gets a good response, NBC may pick it up for a full season of episodes—if not, they’ll probably do so anyway and slowly torture it to death like they did with Community.

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• Rise of the Zombies (Syfy, Sat Oct 27, 9 pm). This TV movie was originally titled Dead Walking—I wonder why they changed it? I mean, other than getting their pants sued off by the creators of The Walking Dead? Anyway! Survivors of yet another zombie plague (Sheesh! Third one this year!) rush around trying to fi nd the scientist who can save them. Starring Danny “Machete” Trejo (SQUEEEEEEEEE!), French “Third Rock from the Sun” Stewart (kinda SQUEEEEEEEEE!), and LeVar “Mothereffin’ Reading Rainbow Geordi La Forge” Burton (legitimate SQUEEEEEEEEE!). • The Venture Bros.: A Very Venture Halloween (Adult Swim, Sun Oct 28, 11:30 pm). The always hilarious Venture Bros. (a brilliant parody of the old Jonny Quest cartoon) return with a spooky-dooky Halloween special, promising a very terrifying situation indeed for Hank, Dean, Dr. Venture, and insanely macho bodyguard Brock Samson. There are no further details at this time, so let’s assume Brock will be having sex with someone, only to be interrupted by a knife-wielding, two-headed Abby and Brittany. What? WHY WOULD YOU THINK SOMETHING LIKE THAT? Omigod, you’re a MONSTER.

This Week on Television THURSDAY, OCTOBER 25 9:30 NBC PARKS AND RECREATION Ron gets upset when Andy goes trick-or-treating dressed as Ron’s mustache. 10:00 FX IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA The gang crashes Maureen’s wedding, only to find everyone’s been brutally murdered. Whoops.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 26

don’t appreciate her skin color, or her jawless zombie pals.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 29 7:30 SYFY SCARE TACTICS Season premiere! A chemical spill turns Brooke Hogan into a zombie… which actually explains a lot.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 30

9:00 NBC GRIMM Nick and Hank suspect a recent spate of child abductions are linked to the legend of a kid-hating Mexican monster. 10:00 E! FASHION POLICE The always scary Joan Rivers gets even more horrifying in this special Halloween edition.

8:30 FOX BEN AND KATE BJ helps Kate find an inappropriate costume for Halloween. Helloooo, Sexy Herpes Sore! 9:00 FOX NEW GIRL Jess is hired to portray a zombie in a haunted house, or as they refer to her, “The Walking Nerd.”

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 27

8:00 ABC IT’S THE GREAT PUMPKIN, CHARLIE BROWN When Linus is brutally decapitated in the pumpkin patch, all fingers point at Charlie. 10:00 FX AMERICAN HORROR STORY The patients escape Briarcliff during a violent storm, and—oh, hello Michael Myers!

9:00 BIO CELEBRITY GHOST STORIES This week featuring comedian Lewis Black, who actually screamed his ghost away.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 28 9:00 AMC THE WALKING DEAD Michonne meets a new group of survivors, who

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 31

SQUEEEEE me @WmSteveHumphrey

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October 25, 2012 Portland Mercury 49


things from another world and the portland mercury present:

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Tickets now on sale! 11/8 — 11/11 at Cinema 21 616 NW 21st Ave • 21+ all shows except Sun 11/11 4:30 PM now 18+ 50 Portland Mercury October 25, 2012


MAAKIES // TONY MILLIONAIRE

Tony Millionaire’s work is published by Dark Horse Comics and online at maakies.com

Ryan North has daily comics available at qwantz.com

DINOSAUR COMICS // RYAN NORTH ILLUSTRATION BY KALAH ALLEN

WHO LET THE DOGS OUT? Dogs at the restaurant/bar: They’re great! It’s a huge hassle keeping a dog, but they’re super fun to pet because they’re always like, “Hey how’s it going want to pet my ears they are super soft I like you a lot PET MY TUMMY DO YOU HAVE SAUSAGES?” So having a beer and petting one is the perfect compromise. Bar dogs are like those people I knew in my 20s who would come out drinking with you and make out with you later at night without ever asking you to watch shitty movies or come home with them for the holidays. All fun, no hassle! People who don’t like dogs are joyless shitheads. Don’t worry, joyless shitheads, if you want to sit in the dark complaining and smoking, there’s always the internet. Oh sorry, your housemates won’t let you smoke in the house? Laaaaaaame. Guess that’s why you can’t afford to go to a nice bar that doesn’t allow dogs either.—Anonymous Submit your unsigned confessions and accusations of 300 words or less, changing the names of the innocent and guilty, to “I, Anonymous,” at anonymous@portlandmercury.com, or on the new I, Anonymous blog at portlandmercury.com. UNDERWORLD // KAZ

IDIOT BOX // MATT BORS

Kaz's work is published by Fantagraphics; view his work at kazunderworld.com

Submit your photos & art online at flickr.com/groups/portlandmercury

Matt Bors is a Portland-based political cartoonist; view his work at mattbors.com

Dawn Riddle

skotcoatsworth

October 25, 2012 Portland Mercury 51


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The Portland Mercury, October 25, 2012 (Vol. 13, No. 23)