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FREE EVERY THURSDAY / VOL • 13 NO • 13 / AUGUST 16 - 22, 2012 / Hey, We Just Met You, and This Is Crazy, But Here’s a Paper, So Read It Maybe

Cute Animal Death Watch!

The Most Brutally

Violent Sitcom

Ever! A Photo Tour of the Police

Evidence Room!

“Are You Bisexual?” by Tegan and Sara!


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2 Portland Mercury August 16, 2012

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NOTES

and embarrassed gentlemen, chatting them up in rude, condescending volleys, harassing and insulting them. Someone must have pushed THE BUTTON, because, thankfully, when we got to NE 7th the train stopped, lovenotes@portlandmercury.com doors opened, and in came the police, led LETTERS MAY BE EDITED FOR SPACE by a massive woman who reminded me of a character in a Fellini movie. The cops started WE KNOW WORDS RE: “True Tales of TriMet Terror” [Fea- checking fares while the train stood in the ture, Aug 9] and “Great Gobbledigook” station, doors open, and within minutes all [Music, Aug 9], a purposefully facetious the gangsters had been escorted out. Whew! Lianagan Sigur Rós article. The other one was totally straight-faced.

CRYSTAL

THE

Twice in one issue the word “inchoate” pops up? That shit flies off the page like a kitten in a catapult. Don’t let it happen again, showoffs. p. royale STUKAS SUCKAS RE: “Female Prison Pen Pals: The Controversy!” [Letters, Aug 9], in which readers argue in the comments section regarding the ethicality of our summer series printing pen pal requests from female prisoners. Stukasoverpdx got the last word. DEAR MERCURY—Stukasoverpdx? Stuka is the nickname of the Junkers Ju 87 divebomber, the principal air weapon the Nazis used to devastate European cities during their “lightning war” conquest of Europe in 1940. I think stukasoverpdx might be happier in another town, say Tulsa, Muskogee, or Texarkana. John Cowan A SPECIAL THANK YOU RE: The Female Prison Pen Pals series of pen pal requests from incarcerated females. DEAR MERCURY—I recently wrote about the girls incarcerated at Coffee Creek, AKA “Cattle Creek,” ’cause some of these chicks be rolling out of here! No joke! Anyhow, all I want to say is thank you for acknowledging my girls. Jennifer Ryan

HOTEL & BALLROOM

CRYSTAL BALLROOM SUZETTE SMITH

Taking the #17 home from work one sweltering summer afternoon I made room for a man in a wheelchair. He was not abiding by any of society’s general standards of acceptable hygiene and was quite malodorous. This I could accept as a part of commuting by mass transit in a major city. What I could not abide was his proceeding to remove his shoe and begin to feverishly scratch every surface of the cracked, Dead Sea of an appendage he called a foot. Even the crew of crust punks sitting across from him watched in horror as he worked that graying stump from Broadway to NW 21st. posted by jim

FRIDAY, AUGUST 17

Pre-CouvaPalooza Party

8 PM $6 21+OVER

liftoff Melvoy luniC varlet

WITH VJ KITTYROX

CRYSTAL BALLROOM K Records presents a Believer Magazine Event

wed aug 22 all ages 7 p.m. show $8 adv $10 day of

“Love SongS for LampS” Calvin Johnson

fri aug 17 lola’s room • $8 at door • 21 & over

Broken Water · Happy Noose

Thank you for printing my submission to the “True Tales of TriMet Terror” free-forall. I must note, though, that two edits were quite jarring: the substitution of “come” for “cum” and the change of “jissom” to “jizzum.” On the basis of these edits, I am forced to question whether the Mercury has a style guide. I ask because when I search your website for variants of “jissom,” I find three results for “gism,” seven for “jizm,” 10 for “jism,” and only one for “jizzum.” Likewise, I get 335 results for “cum,” which, as noted above, you changed to “come.” Swag

MORE TRUE TALES OF TRIMET TERROR!! RE: “True Tales of TriMet Terror” [Feature, Aug 9], an essay contest in which we solicited accounts of real harrowing experiences WHILE WE MAY sometimes deviate from the rather casual directive of it, our style aboard Portland’s public transportation. guide does state that “come” is preferred. DEAR [SENIOR EDITOR] ERIK HEN- We don’t actually have a policy regarding RIKSEN—I meant to send this last week jizzum, but “jissom” just sounds like the but spaced it out. A few summers ago I got Gin Blossoms had a circle jerk. Still, you on the midnight MAX downtown heading win two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater, east. Just after we crossed the river the at- where you’ll please keep your cum and jismosphere changed. A whole gang got on the som to yourself. train: big, tall motherf*%#ers all wearing COVER ART: the same color scheme with their don’t f*%# with me attitudes and an action-hunting glint in their eyes. To everyone’s horror, they didn’t just hang in a group talking among themselves but immediately fanned out, finding empty seats next to sweet old ladies

Brock Davis

itistheworldthatmadeyousmall.com portlandmercury.com

80s VIDEO DANCE ATTACK

115 SW Ash St., Suite 600 Portland, OR 97204 • 503-294-0840 • info@portlandmercury.com

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Wm. Steven Humphrey

INTERNS Nathan Gilles, Zibby Pillote, Nate Miller

MANAGING EDITOR Marjorie Skinner

DIRECTOR OF CIRCULATION Jay Williams

NEWS Denis C. Theriault, Sarah Mirk

SALES DIRECTOR Rob Thompson

SENIOR EDITOR Erik Henriksen MUSIC Ned Lannamann

SALES COORDINATOR Tonya Ray

ARTS/WEB EDITOR Alison Hallett FOOD Chris Onstad

DIGITAL SALES MANAGER James Deeley

COPY CHIEF Courtney Ferguson CALENDAR Bobby Roberts

ACCOUNT EXECUTIVES Sarah Elliott, Katie Peifer, Marissa Sullivan

PRODUCTION MANAGER Joe Davis

ALTPERKS OPERATIONS MANAGER Michelle David

SENIOR DESIGNER Nick Olmstead

OFFICE MANAGER Noah Dunham

AD DESIGNER Nami Bigos

GENERAL MANAGER Katie Lake

ART DIRECTOR Justin “Scrappers” Morrison

PUBLISHER Rob Crocker

And many more!

hot august night 40th anniVersary

Conor Oberst’s 2001 rock project reunites for a limited US run…

with

DesapareciDos Virgin islands

sat aug 25 21 & over The ultimate Neil Diamond tribute band!

sun aug 26 all ages Chilean rapper

Ana Tijoux

Parson Red Heads

The

Tope sun sept 2 21 & over lola's room

wed aug 29 all ages 8/20

gnwmt - the moondoggies-lola's 8/24 husky 8/25 Vda - clash of the Video diVas-lola's 8/27 the royal concept 8/28 atlas genius 8/30 superfest 4 8/31 yeasayer 9/5-6 mfnw: passion pit 9/7 mfnw: the helio sequence 9/8 mfnw: the tallest man on earth 9/12 dwight yoakam 9/13 hot chip 9/14 buckethead 9/15 90s dance flashback-lola's 9/20 animal collectiVe 9/22 matisyahu 9/28 joss stone 9/30 citizen cope 10/2 nightwish 10/3 shpongle 10/4 glen hansard 10/5 calobo 10/10 gossip 10/11 macklemore 10/16 joshua radin & a fine frenzy 10/18 switchfoot 10/21 two door cinema club 10/23 wolfgang gartner 10/28 all-american rejects 10/30 the toadies/helmet 11/1 orquesta aragon

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AL’S DEn at CRYSTAL

HOTEL

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YARDS

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Ballroom: 1332 W. Burnside · (503) 225-0047 · Hotel: 303 S.W. 12th Ave · (503) 972-2670 mcmenamins.com

CASCADE TICKETS

cascadetickets.com 1-855-CAS-TIXX outlets: crystal ballroom box office, bagdad theater, edgefield, east 19th st. café (eugene)

August 16, 2012 Portland Mercury 3


Join us for our annual summer event! SE Hawthorne Boulevard – Between 32nd & 50th

Live Music-3 Stages / Beer Gardens Art Parties / Kids Activities & Stage / Vendors Food Carts / Fun for All Ages MORE INFO: www.HawthorneStreetFair.com We proudly support this year’s non-profit organization: HACE (Hawthorne Area Civic Ecology) It’s mission is to design a more sustainable future for our SE community. Visit: HacePDX.org or contact eco@thinkhawthorne.com

34TH

Road Closed for Event

LEGEND

SHOWCASE STAGE

ROUTE

35TH AVE

Vendors/Businesses Closed Roads Main Streets Bike Route

EVENT Parking (Western Seminary Parking Lot at 55th)

ROUTE

Bierbrasserie

Bike Parking

(Between 32nd – 37th)

Road Closed for Event

34TH

Road Closed for Event

(Hawthorne Cafe Parking Lot)

VENDORS & SHOPS Along both sides of st. Traffic lanes blocked

42ND

(Third Eye)

ACOUSTIC STAGE EAGLES STAGE Antique Bike Show, Fire Dancers

OUR SPONSORS & SUPPORTE RS Bierbrasserie

LOCKE INSURANCE AGENCY 4 Portland Mercury August 16, 2012


KRISTIAN DONALDSON

ONE DAY AT A TIME

MONDAY, AUGUST 6

To further reinforce your view that “romance is a goddamned crock of shit,” here’s the latest on the Kristen Stewart/Robert Pattinson love implosion! First, a quick recap: RPat and KStew were all lovey-dovey until she started getting smoochy-woochy (and reportedly oral sexy) with Snow White and the Huntsman director Rupert Sanders, who’s married to now-scorned actress/model Liberty Ross. RPat kicked KStew out of his house, had her car towed to McDonald’s (HA!), and went into hiding behind Reese Witherspoon’s chin (okay, fi ne… her ranch in Ojai, California). Meanwhile KStew has been KStewing in her own pathetic juices, incessantly sobbing in between large spoonfuls of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey. Now? According to multiple sources, RPat has been gorging himself KSTEWING as well—with the demon alcohol! He’s been spotted whooping it up in an Ojai hillbilly bar and, according to a source speaking to In Touch, has been “drinking like crazy” to numb his sorrow as well as drunk dialing Kristen! “Rob had been avoiding her calls, but now they’re talking,” the snoopy pal says, adding, “Well, they’re barely talking. There’s a lot of dead silence on the phone, because there’s not a lot to talk about.” HAHAHA—ouch! Sounds like somebody needs a Chunky Monkey Vodka Float… stat! MEANWHILE… Across the pond, cheating hubby Rupert Sanders is now regretting he fell prey to KStew’s lip-biting, dull-eyed charms, and is doing everything possible to win back “devastated” wifey Liberty Ross. And she’s not making it easy! Besides not speaking to him for a week, and insisting that RuSand bow out of directing the Snow White sequel, LiRo has been spotted trotting around sans wedding ring and dining with “an unidentified male companion.” Does he smell like he fell into a barrel of rum? It could be RPat! (Hey, we can dream, can’t we?)

TUESDAY, AUGUST 7

Speaking of couples we’d die to see together, former X Files star Gillian “Scully” Anderson has split from longtime boytoy Mark Griffiths, and according to Celebrity Dirty Laundry, has fallen into the arms of former X Files co-star David “Mulder” Duchovny! Allow yourself a moment to squeal about that. SQUEAL! David, of course, is a well-known alleged sex addict—which sounds great, unless you were Téa Leoni and unhappily married to him for 12 years. However, due to the amazing sexual chemistry Gillian and David shared during their nine-year run on The X Files, we can’t help but think these two are going to make a fantastic couple, and can’t wait for them to… THIS JUST IN. A killjoy publicist for DaDuch just issued a proclamation DENYING reports that Scully and Mulder are romantically involved. BOOOOO!!! (So much for our idea to turn our high school X Files fan fiction into an unauthorized biography.)

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 8

Question: Former beloved rapper Kanye West released a new song today called “Perfect Bitch”—and guess who it’s about? Answer: “I wrote the song ‘Perfect Bitch’ about Kim [Kardashian],” Kanye twattered. (How can something be so appropriate, yet inappropriate at the same time?) Terrible, horrific monster Kim had this to say in response, according to TMZ: “I’m honored. I love it. I know he doesn’t mean it in a negative way when he says the word ‘bitch’.” Just to put this in perspective, we’ve called Kim a monster, a trollop, a fanged pig, an ogre, a malodorous gargoyle, and a “despicable shit stain on the genital wart of humanity.” And yet? We would never call her a “bitch.” Thanks for enabling Kanye and demeaning the rest of us, Kim—you

THIS WEEK ON

PORTLANDMERCURY.COM

THE WEEK IN REVIEW by Ann Romano

stinking, walking pustule on the undercarriage of a syphilitic mule. MEANWHILE… And you can skip over this part and move on to Thursday if you have a delicate constitution, but here’s what the cannibalized victim of the Miami Zombie who was caught chewing Ronald Poppo’s face off two months ago had to say about the encounter. (After several surgeries, the now blind Poppo is still in Jackson Memorial Hospital.) “He attacked me,” Poppo calmly told reporters. “He just ripped me to ribbons. He chewed up my face. He plucked out my eyes. Basically that’s all there is to say about it.” We now return you to shivering and saying “Brrrrrrr!”

THURSDAY, AUGUST 9

In “Hillbilly News,” it was reported today that country singer Randy Travis crashed his car, and was found stinking drunk while “nude and lying in the roadway” before eventually being arrested. According to the police report, Travis also threatened to shoot and kill the troopers who made the arrest. On the upside, he is dating neither Kristen Stewart nor Kim Kardashian. MEANWHILE… Snaggletoothed teen hillbilly Miley Cyrus got her hair cut to look just like the one Rachel (JenniYOU MIGHT BE A fer Aniston) wore in the mid-’90s REDNECK IF during Friends. Says original Friends co-star Marcel the Monkey, after seeing the new hairstyle, “She looks like a goddamned ape.”

FRIDAY, AUGUST 10

Suri Cruise is “adjusting well” to the Divorce of the Century™, Radar Online reports, citing a source that says Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise haven’t seen each other since the split, so “Suri has been protected from any uncomfortable situations. And both have agreed not to say anything derogatory about the other.” “I’ll take it from here, thanks!” interrupted Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII. “While Tom’s too noble to say anything, I’d like to note that Katie Holmes is a stinking, walking pustule on the undercarriage of a syphilitic “ADJUSTED” Abraxian meteor toad! Snap! Oh, and while I have your readers’ attention, Ann, I’d like to remind them that the criminally underrated drama Battlefield Earth, inspired by the prophetic writings of L. Ron Hubbard, is currently available on Netfl ix Instant! Who wants to come over? I have popcorn!” After four solar chrono-cycles of absolute silence, Klaktu mumbled, “Fine. Come over if you change your mind, I guess. Unless you are Katie Holmes, in which case you are never invited ever.”

SATURDAY, AUGUST 11

At long last, XXL asked 50 Cent what he thought of Kanye West’s new song “Perfect Bitch.” “I mean… if that man feel like she’s perfect, then she’s perfect,” 50 said diplomatically. Somewhat less diplomatically, he added, “You know what it is? One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.” Well said, 50 Cent. Well said. MEANWHILE… Mitt Romney has tapped Wisconsin Congressman Paul Ryan as his running mate. Wonkette writes that this morning “Romney and Ryan set foot on the USS Wisconsin, a formal Naval battleship and government-run museum, to point out that the government has done nothing useful and should be destroyed.” (The candidates walked out to the theme from Air Force One, the movie in which President Harrison Ford punched terrorists in their faces. Subtle, guys.) Ryan’s famous for

Ask Becca & Trish, Two Teenagers Texting in a Movie Theater Dear Becca & Trish: I am 67 years old, unemployed, and my wife of 42 years was recently diagnosed with cancer. We are terribly alone, and—

OMG is that Randy ?? Randy who?? Randy from gemetry class randy LOL gross Nuh-unh CUTE! <3 Hes like religous. NO YES Totes ew Gross wats this movie anyway? dunno batman or sumpn? OMG thats the movie where erbody got shot NO YES We r totes gonna get shot! Hahahahaha LOL LMAO HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ROTF :P BTW my mom hates u I hate that btch. Y? U do drugz she can DIAF. :) ;) OMG that guy next 2 u smells like fart OMG LOL ROTF LMAO farty fart farty farty fart fart :P LOL L8R! xoxo TTFN! xoxo Got a question for Becca & Trish? Text it to 503-243-2122.

two things: Giving out Atlas Shrugged to his staff for Christmas (shudder), and drafting what the New Yorker called a “profoundly radical document”—a hard-line budget that slashed things like financial aid for lowincome students. So. This should be fun.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 12

The London Olympics ended today. In the closing ceremony, Russell Brand sang a song from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory from atop a hippie van, and Fatboy Slim brought back 1998 by playing “The Rockafeller Skank” beneath a giant inflatable octopus, and then there were Spice Girls. MOV ING ON. Realizing she didn’t want to be associated with Jennifer “Holly wood’s Old Maid” Aniston, Miley Cyrus has ditched her “Rachel” ’do in lieu of what WONKA Yahoo! OMG calls “a spiky pixie cut.” To us it looks like Billy Ray Cyrus drunkenly went after his daughter with a Flowbee, but hey—still better than a Rachel! MEANWHILE… What?! “Jennifer Aniston is heading back to the altar after accepting a marriage proposal from Justin Theroux,” CNN reports. Uh, good for you, Jen! (Psst! Justin! We told you to run! It isn’t too late!) BACK TO MILEY! Spiky Pixie Miley will “appear in at least several episodes” of Two and a Half Men, says E! Online. She’ll play a “sexy” new character who… who… wow. Was the highlight of today really Russell Brand singing Willy Wonka? Really?!

NAKED GIRLS READING! READ AND WIN! FREE TIX TO YEA SAYER! WIN TIX TO COMPETITIVE EROTIC WIN TIX THURSDAY ON BLOGTOWN! END HITS THURSDAY FAN FICTION! BLOGTOWN FRIDAY! Comment on this story at portlandmercury.com

August 16, 2012 Portland Mercury 5


doubletee.com / roselandpdx.com STG PreSenTS

Red Cube, disCo and aeP PResent:

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Murder Of CrOws NeXT MONdAY!

auguSt 20th • roSeland • 8pm • 21+

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PAUL BASIC

SEPT 2nd • roSEland • 9Pm • all agES

Sept 13th • CuthBeRt AMphitheAteR • 6pM • ALL AgeS ALL pRetty LightS MuSiC AvAiLABLe FOR FRee DOWNLOAD • pRettyLightS.COM

Trombone Shorty outdoors in eugene!

miChaelfranti.Com

auguSt 23rd • 6:30pm • all ageS Cuthbert amphitheater

FRi Sept 14 • ROSeLAND 9pM • ALL AgeS

September 16th • roSeland • 8pm • all ageS

double tee, KeSey & Showbox preSent:

OutdOOrs in eugene!

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SepteMBeR 25th • 8pM • ROSeLAND • ALL AgeS

traVis pOrter • Yg

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IN CONCERT Screaming Females

September 27th • 8pm roSeland • 21+

New album “Not Your Kind Of People” Available Now • garbage.com

STEPHEN MARLEY

With

OUTDOORS IN EUEGENE! September 26th

auguSt • roSeland • 8pm• all • 21+ageS oCt 2nd20th • roSeland • 8pm 6 Portland Mercury August 16, 2012

Cuthbert amphitheater • 7pm • all ageS

all shall perish • deez nuts

and special guests hatebreed.com • whitechapelband.com • allshallperish.com

Sept 26th • WONDeR BALLROOM • 7:30pM • ALL AgeS

ADvANCe tiCketS thROugh ALL tiCketSWeSt LOCAtiONS, SAFeWAy, MuSiC MiLLeNNiuM. tO ChARge By phONe pLeASe CALL 503.224.8499


NEWS

Cute Animal Death Watch!

NEWS

Do We Have the Stomach to Euthanize Invasive Squirrels, Possums, and Turtles? by Nathan Gilles

gion’s expanding urbanization. And because these invaders are small, cute, and endemic in urban Oregon—and because many Oregonians don’t know they’re invasive—they frequently show up at rehab centers, carried in the arms of would-be do-gooders. That’s when Ackermann has to tell them why she won’t take them in. “Because I don’t have a stomach for mass euthanasia.”

SAVE

to go against our mission.” Invasive species are any nonnative animals or plants that, once introduced to an environment, cause economic or ecological harm. And they’re everywhere. To stop their spread, the ODFW has tried outright eradication—like with the feral pigs—or, better still, keeping invasives out of the state to begin with. But for every invasive pig or hydropower-wrecking mus-

BALD EAGLE

RACCOON

WESTERN SQUIRREL

OPOSSUM

EASTERN SQUIRREL

KILL

VETERINARIAN AND WILDLIFE rehabilitator Janette Ackermann opens the door of her aging freezer and pulls out a snack. It’s a plastic container filled with frozen mice. “We feed them to the birds,” she says, “and sometimes the raccoons.” Just 30 miles from downtown Portland, Ackermann’s American Wildlife Foundation center in Molalla is nestled between a polymer factory, a glass factory, and lots of farmland. The nonprofit’s 13.5-acre lot is mostly wide open, with animal pens scattered here and there. This is the spot where, for the past 14 years, the vet and her staff have treated hundreds of animals before releasing them into the wild. Right now, the facility’s pens house needy wildlife ranging from raccoons to birds of prey. But what you won’t find on Ackermann’s lot are invasive species—or nonnative animals deemed harmful by the state—of any kind. By law, if a tearful child or big-hearted adult shows up with an injured invasive, be it a cute squirrel or a nasty possum, Ackermann must either turn the thing away or put it to death. “I have the rules,” says Ackermann, “whether I believe in them or don’t.” For years, Ackermann and other wildlife rehabbers were exempt from state laws regulating—and targeting—invasive species. But not anymore. Last year, Oregon not only made it illegal for rehabbers to help invasives, but it also began forcing them to euthanize any animals that are taken in. The change is an extension of past state policy, which allowed for the wholesale slaughter of certain invasive species, like feral pigs. But for rehabbers, who put a premium on animal welfare, sharing this burden with the Oregon Department of Fish and Wildlife (ODFW) has been a bitter shift. “We’re animal welfare people; we’re not animal control people,” says Mary Bliss, who operates Turtle Ridge Wildlife Center in Salem. “It shouldn’t be up to us to have

STARLING

ARTWORK BY MORGAINE FAYE

sel, there are hundreds of other species who aren’t on the state’s kill list, at least not until they wind up at a rehab facility. Many are so well established and familiar that some rehabbers argue that they should get off the euthanasia hook altogether. The first species rehabbers hope to save is the Virginia opossum, introduced to the Northwest roughly 100 years ago as a food source. Oregon has no extermination policy for the notorious marsupial known for dining on the eggs of native birds. Rehabbers also want to spare the now-ubiquitous eastern fox squirrel and the eastern gray squirrel, species that have displaced the state’s native Douglas and western gray squirrels thanks to the re-

Under the new rules, wildlife rehabbers basically have two choices: ignoring a sick or injured animal or putting it to death. Choosing a different option could cost a rehabber’s license. ODFW biologist Keith Kohl says the policy isn’t about punishing rehabbers or making them do the agency’s work. It’s about setting an invasive species policy for the whole state. For years, private animal control companies have been required to euthanize any invasives they caught. But until June 2011, wildlife rehabbers were exempt from the same policy. “There were some that didn’t like it,” says Kohl. “But part of their option is they don’t have to take these animals in.”

Singing in a Coffee Shop? That’ll Be $300. Music Licensing Company Admits Mistake After Pestering Nonprofit by Sarah Mirk

DINGO THE CLOWN and Olive Rootbeer showed up at Café au Play on SE Division last Thursday, August 9, to lead the children’s story time they host every week. But then the staff of the volunteer-run coffee shop informed them that the pair’s days of singing classics like “Mary Had a Little Lamb” were over. After receiving numerous emails, phone calls, and letters over the past month from music-licensing organization Broadcast Music, Inc. (BMI), Café au Play was worried it would have to fork over hundreds of dollars in royalties if anyone performed any songs they hadn’t written themselves. “They were sending me letters, emailing me, saying I’d have to buy a license to have performers,” says Kristin Heying of the nonprofit Café au Play. “I was like, this is kids’

music! We have all-local kids musicians.” Rather than risk the wrath of BMI, the café decided to ask performers to play only original music—no nursery rhymes, even. Café au Play is just one example of small businesses being solicited heavily to spend hundreds of dollars on a music license or face potentially hefty fines. After being asked about its solicitation of Café au Play, BMI said that the café had been contacted over and over by mistake. BMI is the country’s largest music-licensing organization. The nonprofit corporation patrols commercial use of music on behalf of songwriters, collecting royalties for artists who sign up with BMI and then sharing the proceeds. Much of BMI’s work involves encouraging businesses—like coffee shops and

NEWS

bars—to buy annual music-use licenses that cost a minimum of $335 a year. Many of the rules around music licensing are surprising. For example, if a business is playing the radio on six or more loudspeakers, or plays Top 40 hits as its hold music, that requires a public performance license. In the case of Café au Play, the coffee shop may have come under BMI’s scrutiny because it lists live music performances like “Story Time with Olive Rootbeer and Dingo” on its website. Heying says she felt the café was being intimidated into paying for a service it doesn’t need. Neighbors built the nonprofit coffee shop and community center over several years on what used to be a drug-in-

Comment on these stories at portlandmercury.com

And he’s right: Rehabbers and the public can always have ODFW do the killing for them. “The whole thing about euthanasia becomes an emotional one and an ethical one,” says ODFW biologist Susan Barnes. “It’s not something I take lightly or that the agency takes likely.” Barnes has the unenviable job of euthanizing the animals that rehabbers turn away. The process is similar to what happens when, say, your dog or cat is put down with anesthesia. But for animals with metabolisms too slow to succumb to the chemicals the state uses, like turtles—it gets more involved. When she spoke to the Mercury, Barnes had just received an invasive redeared slider turtle, which she was going to euthanize. The procedure is gruesome enough that she asked us not to print it. But Kohl explained the national turtle-killing guidelines that ODFW follows: Biologists have to cut off the animal's head, and then scramble its still-active brains. Bob Sallinger, conservation director of the Audubon Society of Portland, also thinks the rehabbers are missing the bigger ecological picture. Invasives cause ecological harm, says Sallinger, and regardless of whether or not the state is actively eradicating them, they shouldn’t be given the same status as natives. But Sallinger is also realistic that euthanasia does very little to stop the spread of foreign species. “I think the best argument [rehabbers] have,” says Sallinger, “is what difference does one more make—when there is a hell of a lot of them out there?” For this reason, a number of rehabbers who spoke with Mercury tried to downplay the harm wrought by the Virginia opossum and the eastern gray and fox squirrels. And the rehabbers might have a point. There aren’t a lot of studies quantifying exactly how these animals are affecting their native counterparts—and whether, as many rehabbers claim, the damage is already done. And maybe, says Ackermann of the refuge center in Molalla, the dispute may go even deeper than science. “They [invasives] do cause problems,” says Ackermann. “Anyone who thinks they don’t cause problems is sticking their head in the sand.” But then she continues, “Having said that, I can’t euthanize them either.” fected site, training high schoolers to work as baristas. Spending $300 on a license would eat into the group’s budget. “Definitely they’re trying to intimidate you, it’s like the music mafia,” says Heying. “If they’re advertising live music on their website, it could be inferred that they’re playing more than occasional nursery rhymes,” says BMI spokesman Ari Surdoval, who confirmed that the café had received letters and phone calls. However, after looking into the file, Surdoval quickly called the Mercury back to say that soliciting Café au Play had been a mistake. “They certainly appear to be more of a nonprofit. Right now, they’re going to be pulled out of the system,” said Surdoval. Heying was astounded when she heard the news that Café au Play would no longer be BMI’s target for royalties. “If that really happens, I would be floored,” she said. August 16, 2012 Portland Mercury 7


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Criminal Objects Digging

into the

Stories

of the

Strangest

Things

in the Police

Evidence Warehouse

T

Reporting by Sarah Mirk photography by Nicolle Clemetson #1 DISCO BALL T

he shelves of the police evidence and property warehouse stretch high above my head, forming long, tall alleyways. It feels like an IKEA warehouse, but instead of unassembled Månstads, the mundane items that wait here all have a dark past. Bike parts and boots and drugs and daggers—the objects are fragment sentences of long, tragic stories. A can of used pepper spray, a broken sword, an entire ATM. What are they artifacts from, exactly? The police evidence and property warehouse is purgatory for objects as they arrive from crime scenes, where they are meticulously catalogued, and then wait to be called upon to appear before detectives or judges and juries. The team that tags the daily deluge of stolen goods and evidence often doesn’t know where they came from. But the objects’ futures are much more clear. They will live here for weeks or years (in the case of homicide evidence, decades) and if no one shows up to claim them, the clearly valuable and easily sellable items will be auctioned online. Everything else in the place will be destroyed. Doors still stinging with mace from crime scenes will be tossed in the dumpster, cocaine will be burned. I toured the warehouse this month and, with the help of the crew that spends their days filing away evidence, picked out some of the strangest objects and dug up their stories.

his disco ball peeked out from a box stored on the tallest shelf in the warehouse, catching the glare of fluorescent lights. It used to hang in an illegal club run out of Old Town’s Star Theater. In August 2009, undercover cops discovered the theater was selling drinks until dawn with no liquor permit, slinging pre-poured cups of Red Bull mixed with vodka to people who paid $10 a cup and knew to show up at the the-

ater after other bars let out. According to a former employee who talked with police, the place went through five gallons of vodka a night and underage strippers danced on the VIP stage. “The employee said that they have personally seen cocaine being snorted off a nude dancer,” reads the report from the police investigation. “Narcotics use and dealings occur on a nightly basis… the employee said, ‘It is as if they think they are invisible.’” The disco ball, clearly, was essential to the mood. When the place was busted, the mirrored ball was seized from an unpermitted stage lighting rig. It will likely be destroyed.

#1

Continued on pg. 10

August 16, 2012 Portland Mercury 9


Continued from pg. 9

#2 HILLBILLY JETPACK I

n December 2010, a police officer stopped 38-yearold Steven Terrill for a traffic infraction. When the officer realized Terrill’s car was stolen, the routine stop led to a massive bust of a robbery ring based out of a home in East Portland that teeters 12 feet above ground, jacked up on stilts. Police say Terrill was the leader of the robbery ring, which allegedly stole over $5 million in random items over the years, grabbing whatever they could from stores and storage units and hawking them

on eBay. This strange jetpack—actually an Ultralite motor used for motorized paragliding—was found in the garage of Terrill’s grandma out in Clackamas County, along with dozens of items ranging from a chainsaw to a Reed College plaque. Police still aren’t sure who owns this thing. No one’s claimed it in the year and a half since it came in— but since similar paragliding motors fetch over $6,000 online, the state will likely sell it off.

#3 SKATEBOARDS A

wall of seized skateboards rises from the concrete floor of the evidence room all the way up to the airy warehouse ceiling, proof that sometimes skateboarding is a crime. Dozens of shortboards and longboards rest on jerry-rigged clothes hangers, awaiting their trials. They don’t just come from cops clamping down on rogue kids kickflipping. One of the boards in this picture—the most beat-up—was an accessory to robbery. In May 2008, a man strolled in to the Red Square Café on SE Belmont and

ordered a drink. When the barista turned around, the man’s hand was in his waistband, and he said, “I’m gonna shoot you… empty the till.” The barista gave him a wad of cash from the register and the man fled, jumping on this skateboard and taking off down SE 46th. He eventually ditched the board and hopped in a cab, but police caught up to him in a backyard just a few blocks away. Since they don’t have much resale value, if no one claims these skateboards, they will eventually be destroyed.

#3

#2

#4

#4 LOTS AND LOTS OF MARIJUANA “I

t’s like a toilet that keeps on flushing,” says Dave Benson of the evidence division, of the mountain of marijuana that rolls in and out of the warehouse every week. There is no season, there is no high-point. There is just lots of marijuana all the time. It hangs like dead bodies in burlap sacks from meathooks in a special room that smells nauseatingly weedy and is accessible only with two keycards pressed to two separate pads at the same time. Pot not stored in sacks is carefully filed in giant Ziploc bags or put in cardboard containers marked “Box o’ weed.” Every single ounce that comes into the room is destroyed. Once its day in court is done, it will be incinerated—not in the typical way, but in a giant industrial incinerator in Salem along with medical waste. In the past, some of the pot escaped. Until this winter, the evidence room gave back seized medical marijuana to legal cardholders who requested its return. But recently, State Attorney General John Kroger told police that returning Oregon-legal pot was likely a violation of federal crime. Now, the pot is doomed.

#5 CAN OF TOMATOES T

his can of tomatoes is still a mystery. The case number associated with the can is for a dine-and-dash at a restaurant. But the case “did not have anything to do with a can of tomato sauce,” according to police.

#5

Continued on pg. 13

10 Portland Mercury August 16, 2012


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12 Portland Mercury August 16, 2012


Continued from pg. 10

#6 CART FULL OF FRUIT FLIES AND BEER

T

he officer found Francisco lying in the doorway of the 7-Eleven on SW 1st, clutching a wad of bloody paper napkins to his stomach. The officer lifted the napkins and saw a single deep wound. Francisco didn’t speak English. These are his things. Francisco had been hanging out in the parking lot of the 7-Eleven, drinking cheap beer with two other guys, Chewie and Jorge. They were good friends, just talking, when Chewie pulled out a fourinch folding knife and stabbed Francisco

for no reason. At least that was the story Jorge told police, when they interviewed him later—though it was difficult trying to make sense of a voice officers noted was slurred with alcohol, with a severe speech impediment. Chewie wandered away, pushing a bicycle he’d covered in Mardi Gras beads. The officers arrived shortly thereafter and took Francisco to OHSU. He survived. Fruit flies began breeding in the beer cans left in his cart, so the evidence room team tightly Saran-wrapped the entire rig.

#7 Sword canes

T

he surprising thing about the box of things-people-hit-other-people-with is not its diversity (baseball bats, pool cues, golf clubs) but how many of the items are sword canes. I didn’t realize sword canes were still in production, much less circulation. There appear to be a high number of assaulters who fancy themselves

characters in an Elizabethan drama, strolling the halls of their suburban home grasping wooden canes topped with metal heads of eagles or dogs or lions and then, in a moment of passion, whipping the sheath away to reveal that the tool of a cripple is actually—aha!—the weapon of a criminal. While the canes seem like fantasy objects, the baseball bats (some broken) paint a much less romantic image of assault as both mundane and brutal.

#7

#6 merc_horiz0034_12_2_pdot.pdf

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August 16, 2012 Portland Mercury 13


THURSDAY, AUGUST 16 5:30 P.M. IS “EAGLE TIME”

KORY QUINN

HORSE THIEVES ZOE MUTH AND THE LOST HIGH ROLLERS 8:30 P.M.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 17 5:30 P.M. IS “ EAGLE TIME”

REVERB BROTHERS JACK RUBY PRESENTS THE LONESOMES THE HONEYCUTTERS 9:30 P.M.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 18 4:30 P.M. IS “ EAGLE TIME”

THE STUDENT LOAN MY OH MYS LUMINOUS THINGS WILD BELLS 9:30 P.M.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 19

BOXCAR STRINGBAND HARLEY BOURBON 7 P.M.

MONDAY, AUGUST 20

EARLY HOURS 8:30 P.M.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 21

AMAYA VILLAZAN RACHAEL RICE • ANNA-LISA CASSIE SKAUGE 7:30 P.M.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 22

MONOPLANE • PINEHURST KIDS 8:30 P.M.

14 Portland Mercury August 16, 2012


MY, WHAT A BUSY WEEK!

SOLD

OUT

OUR ARTS AND ENTERTAINMENT PICKS FOR THE WEEK OF AUGUST 16-22 THURSDAY, AUGUST 16 TERRIBLE TEDS—The best Portland writers/fake experts in the areas of “humor, science, history, child slavery, personal empowerment, and death” are coming together to present pugnacious PowerPoints that spoof TED Talks (long overdue). Among others, this installment of CHAD Chats features cartoonist Mark Russell answering the ageold question “What Is the Bible?” and author Mykle Hansen on “Death: Is It for You?” SM Jack London Bar at the Rialto, 529 SW 4th, 8:30 pm, $7-10

SUMATRAN RAT-MONKEY—The Northwest Film Center’s Top Down: Rooftop Cinema series continues on the roof of the Hotel deLuxe—this week with one of the goriest, funniest movies ever, Peter Jackson’s 1992 horror classic Dead Alive! EH w/Beyond Veronica; Hotel deLuxe, SW 15th & Yamhill, 8 pm, $9

FRIDAY, AUGUST 17 HOT STUFF—Unspeakable eroticism abounds in the Rose City tonight: In Southeast, Naked Girls Reading presents a back-to-school edition of their popular reading series, wherein naked ladies read excerpts from their favorite books. And downtown, the hilarious Kyle Kinane headlines Competitive Erotic Fan Fiction, in which comedians write fanfic based on their favorite shows. AH Naked Girls Reading, Blue Monk, 3341 SE Belmont, 10:30 pm, $13, 21+; Competitive Erotic Fan Fiction, Brody Theater, 16 NW Broadway, 10 pm, $10

SMODCAST—While he’s the dude responsible for Clerks, Mallrats, and Chasing Amy, Kevin Smith’s true talent is in the spoken word—seeing him speak live is a hilarious, charmingly vulgar experience. Tonight, he brings along pal Scott Mosier for a live recording of their ridiculously popular podcast, SModcast. EH Aladdin Theater, 3017 SE Milwaukie, 9 pm, $32.50-50

SATURDAY, AUGUST 18 POSEHN—Laconic, clever, and nerdy to the core, Brian Posehn’s arrival into town will no doubt be heralded by thundering metal and a blast of pot smoke, like opening the door to a very sketchy van. Don’t miss the chance to see one of the original Comedians of Comedy. AH Helium Comedy Club, 1510 SE 10th, Thurs 8 pm, Fri-Sat 7:30 & 10:30 pm, $15-20

THRILLS/CHILLS/SPILLS—For my money, the best Portland event of the summer is the annual Adult Soapbox Derby, in which 42 teams build homemade art cars and race them down the dangerous, curvy track at Mount Tabor. Expect thrills, chills, spills, and extreme creativity! (Note: Beer and wine okay, liquor not so much. Bring a picnic!) WSH Mt. Tabor Park, SE 60th & Salmon, 10 am-4 pm, FREE

Brady Lange by Marjorie Skinner

LAST WEEK’S Pink Carpet Project fashion show benefit for Planned Parenthood was a nice capsule of the diversity of apparel design happening in the Pacific Northwest, from hot little bikinis to fashion-forward menswear. I had a pretty nice view of it from my vantage as co-emcee, and was thrilled to see many of the designs on a runway for the first time. I particularly had my eye on Brady Lange, who was showing his designs for the very first time. I first met Lange as an assistant to Adam Arnold, and then later when he began working with Grayling and Blackbird—pretty great influences for a budding designer—but had never known him to design himself. And until now, he really hasn’t—the Pink Carpet was his first runway show since he graduated from the Art Institute of Portland with an apparel design degree. The collection he debuted at the event marks his official foray onto the scene, and the all-pink, denim-and-floral result marked a favorite episode of the evening. Loud and fun (culminating in an outrageous finale full-length pink cape for him), the work also showed off serious tailoring chops. Denim jackets, vests, and pants demonstrated an excellent eye for fit and pristine construction, all the more striking from a designer who has basically been hiding in plain sight. Lange spoke to the Mercury about what his future in Portland design holds.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 19 DEMO DERBY—The annual Combine Demo Derby in nearby Banks, Oregon, looks like rejected Transformers doing slow, ignoble battle. There’s lots of dust, an ample amount of crunching metal, and, occasionally, farm implements going up in flames. The event ends with the annual “car blow-up.” Also, plenty of BBQ sandwiches and a grease pole contest! SM Sunset Park, 485 S Main, Banks, Grand Floral Parade at 11 am, Combine Demo Derby at 4:30 pm, $12

KISSIN’ CRÜE—KISS and Mötley Crüe on the same bill? Oh, yes. (Music Editor Ned Lannamann refused to write this, as he “fucking hates both of them.” I, on other hand, volunteered—because if there’s one thing I know, it’s that the Crüe will always rüle. Read my tattoo if you don’t believe me.) EH Sleep Country Amphitheater, 17200 NE Delfel Road, Ridgefield, WA, 7 pm, $30-150, all ages

MONDAY, AUGUST 20 GO KIDS!—The great Hollywood Theatre sponsors a summer documentary film camp for smartypants teens, teaching kids how to write, shoot, and edit movies about people and issues they care about. Awww. The final product of this summer’s Project Youth Docs screens tonight—it’s your chance to find out what teens are thinking these days. SM Hollywood Theatre, 4122 NE Sandy, 7:30 pm, $5

THEY SELL SANCTUARY—Since 1983, the Cult have blurred the lines between hard rock and gothy post-punk, producing more than a few tremendous records along the way. Their heavy jangle sounds even better than you remember, so don’t miss the longtime Yorkshire rockers when they roll through. NL w/Murder of Crows; Roseland, 8 NW 6th, 8 pm, $30, 21 & over

TUESDAY, AUGUST 21 BASTARD!—Hey kung fu fans! The Hollywood Theatre is proud to present the only known 35mm print of the chop-socky classic The Bastard Swordsman, in which a masked stranger trains a little bastard in the wicked awesome “Silkworm Style” of swordplay, culminating in a sword-fightin’, head amputatin’ free-for-all! WSH Hollywood Theatre, 4122 NE Sandy, 7:30 pm, $7

PUPPIES!—Okay, this installment of OMSI’s boozin’ & learnin’ series isn’t EXACTLY about puppies. “Are Dogs Really Just ‘Designer Wolves’?” explores the similarities and differences between your labradoodle and a fearsome gray wolf. AH Mission Theater, 1624 NW Glisan, 7 pm, $5

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 22 TRES HOMBRES—Fans of long whiskers and classic rock, rejoice! ZZ Top is bad, ZZ Top is nationwide, ZZ Top is playing tonight. They’ll wail on classics like “Legs” and “Cheap Sunglasses,” and everyone shall rock the fuck out. ZZ Fun Fact™: The drummer—he’s the one without a big, bushy beard—is named Frank Beard. NL Edgefield, 2126 SW Halsey, Troutdale, 6:30 pm, $49-79, all ages

BRADY LANGE GALEN AMUSSEN

MERCURY: How has your design background developed since graduating from school? BRADY LANGE: I have a degree in apparel design but felt like my education was lacking, which is one of the reasons I got into contact with Adam [Arnold]. It’s always been my goal to start something myself, but I’m kind of a perfectionist and I hate when people put something out that I’m like, “Why? You aren’t ready.” So can we expect to start seeing seasonal collections? Yes. I’m doing a collection for fall 2012. It will be very small. I am going to try to work something out for a show, but I think it will be more of a party. I don’t know if I will have enough garments for a full show. How did you get involved in the Pink Carpet as, basically, an unknown? Adam actually told me about it, and I kind of bullied my way in. It was a lot of trust on the part of the organizers. I don’t have a website or anything.

What was the process like for the collection? It took less than a month. It was actually kind of TOP TAPES—K Records honcho Calvin a rough July. I went to a family reunion, and had a Johnson made a cassette compilation for pretty hard breakup. I did a lot of stuff in that last the latest issue of the Believer magazine, week. I didn’t sleep for 52 hours.

and to celebrate he’s touring with some handpicked bands. Tonight he stops through town with Broken Water, the Memories, the Shivas, White Rainbow, and more—plus a bevy of local cassette labels will have their tables set up. NL Crystal Ballroom, 1332 W Burnside, 7 pm, $8-10, all ages

Will you have the pieces produced? Are you selling them? I’m not sure. I need to shoot them fi rst. A lot of the fabric I don’t know if I can fi nd again. But I would say it’s for sale. If anybody was interested I’d be more than happy to work something out.

August 16, 2012 Portland Mercury 15


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A MIDSUMMER’S EVE ALBUM RELEASE CELEBRATION

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TUESDAY AUGUST 21

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AMBIENT POST-ROCK FROM TORONTO BASED MULTI-INSTRUMENTALIST

SANDRO

MONDAY AUGUST 27

PERRI

$15 ADVANCE

LIVE-WIRED, STRAIGHT-SHOOTIN, DIRTY-MOUTH’D, PELVIS-PUSHING JUKE MUSIC FROM LA

WEDNESDAY AUGUST 29

VINTAGE TROUBLE

$8 ADVANCE

HIGH ENERGY NEO-SOUL FROM THE UK

THE HEAVY

THURSDAY AUGUST 30

$12 ADVANCE

BONA-FIDE, PURE RETRO SOUL FROM

LEE FIELDS

&THE EXPRESSIONS +THE SILENT COMEDY

SUNDAY SEPTEMBER 2

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MUSICFEST NORTHWEST PRESENTS

JOHN MAUS ONUINU STRATEGY +SWAHILI THURSDAY SEPTEMBER 6

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MONDAY SEPTEMBER 3

$13 ADVANCE

Bad Books 10/7 - on sale 8/16 @ noon Thee Oh Sees 10/8 - All Ages Matinee! Thee Oh Sees 10/9 - 21+ Radney Foster 10/14 Freelance Whales 10/20 Sea Wolf 11/3 - on sale 8/17 Rachel Yamagata 11/17 Emeli Sande 11/27 - on sale 8/17 All of these shows on sale at Ticketfly.com

MARTY MARQUIS of BLITZEN TRAPPER (Patio) 8/26 • BLACK MOUNTAIN 9/7 • MOONFACE 9/8 • GREGORY ALAN ISAKOV 9/10 ETERNAL SUMMERS 9/11 • ANGUS STONE 9/14 • THE AGGROLITES 9/16 • SAUL WILLIAMS 9/18 • SONDRE LERCHE 9/19 SALLIE FORD & THE SOUND OUTSIDE 9/21 • SASSPARILLA 9/22 • K.FLAY 9/26 • DRAGONETTE 9/27 ADVANCE TICKETS AT TICKETFLY - www.tickfly.com and at JACKPOT RECORDS • SUBJECT TO SERVICE CHARGE &/OR USER FEE ALL SHOWS: 8PM DOORS / 9PM SHOW • 21+ UNLESS NOTED • BOX OFFICE OPENS 1/2 HOUR BEFORE DOORS • ROOM PACKAGES AVAILABLE AT www.jupiterhotel.com

16 Portland Mercury August 16, 2012


MUSIC

Regaining Control

Incredible Yacht Control Falls into Place by Ned Lannamann IT TOOK A WHILE, but Incredible Yacht Vogel was making with his previous band, Crosstide, a band that existed on the cusp Control is a band again. Bret Vogel, who writes and records of a breakthrough that never quite seemed the songs in his basement, says it’s all be- to arrive. “Crosstide had gotten to this cause of the band’s bassist, Adam Swee- point where everything that we were doing was so thought out,” Vogel says. ney. Sweeney was the one who catalyzed the current incarna- Incredible Yacht “Everything was going so slow. Control So many of the milestones—you tion after hearing Amateur Wed Aug 22 know, ‘You’ll get a record deal Hypnotist, the fourth IncredHolocene if you do x, y, z,’—we had done ible Yacht Control album, which 1001 SE Morrison them all and it just wasn’t hapthe prolific Vogel recorded entirely on his own. Sweeney urged Vogel to pening. It wasn’t the most creative place to put a band together and play some shows, be, and we all felt it.” Meanwhile, Incredible Yacht Control taking on the responsibilities of arranging rehearsals while providing both a PA slowly fell into place. “I was just recordand a place to practice. “He just kind of ing songs on my own, because that was put everything together for me and I just always my favorite part, just writing and recording, and I had so many ideas. Just showed up,” says Vogel. Amateur Hypnotist was released on- that story you’ve probably heard a million line earlier this year, and it’s available for times. I didn’t have any plans to release free once you make a donation to p:ear, them; it was actually Ruban and Kody but the band is now giving it the proper [Nielson] from the Mint Chicks, they got release show it deserves. It’s a dense, di- really into the demos when I played them verse bedroom record of garage soul-pop, for them. They encouraged me to release rich with echo and weird, trippy flairs— it as a record as it was, which I wouldn’t including vocal tracks that Vogel recorded have even considered.” After the fi rst IYC shows (which inon a VCR to get the thick crunch that he couldn’t elicit from a distortion plug-in. cluded the Nielsons as part of the band), Parts of it sounds imported from the ba- Vogel took an extended break from perroque ’60s and others are positively fu- forming. Now with Sweeney and a new turistic, displaying squelchy sci-fi sounds lineup—which currently includes Cameron Herrington on drums, Vogel’s old alongside classic Mellotron patches. Incredible Yacht Control is both a con- Crosstide bandmate Rian Lewis on guitinuation of and a departure from the music tar, and keyboardist Akila Fields (also of

Piecemeal Punk

Still Caves and the Art of Fucking Off by Ryan J. Prado

MUSIC

“I DON’T THINK we really write songs,” ally loud, hit the fuzz pedals, and just startsays Still Caves bassist Kellam Connelly. ed hitting a chord over and over again,” explains Whitmer. “Then Travis would “We just play.” hit a beat and something would Indeed, there’s a freewheelStill Caves come automatically right out of ing kind of abandon on Still Thurs Aug 16 the beat. All of a sudden we were Caves’ debut cassette EP Static The Know playing something.” Lips that backs up this assess2026 NE Alberta That the band’s music is inment. Adding to its sophomoric nature is a string of improbabilities that telligible at all is cause for celebration, might have hamstrung most fledgling considering their ramshackle creative probands. Still Caves’ two guitar players— cess. But their arsenal of tunes goes well Brian Whitmer and Jamey Williams—had beyond being merely passable. Songs like never played in a band before. Drummer “Dutch” and “No Company” employ the Travis Visscher emerged as the band’s selfsame utilitarian accoutrements as any singer after no one would take up the role neo-garage crew, but instead inject the during the first few practices—he’d never fuzzy punk abandon of early Mudhoney or done it before. Whitmer had to be taught Spacemen 3, with everything levitating in how to use effects pedals, adjusting to us- a kind of squealing lo-fi cacophony. An ening amplifiers and electric guitar when the veloping tsunami of reverb on “Deep in the band formed in the beginning of 2011. Wil- Grip” surrounds an evil-sounding “ba-baliams had previously spent most of his cre- ba” chorus, which suffocates underneath a ative energy composing ambient noise mu- writhing din of junk-sick guitars too fucked sic to upload to the internet, and he hates up to play more than a couple of chords. With these elements of arty attitude in being in front of people. It doesn’t exactly scream, “rock band tow, the band makes no bones about their compatibility.” “It was a little rag doll for a desire to kick start a more energetic live while,” jokes Williams—but the band soon music experience in Portland. “There’s a little sneering and a little attihit its stride. “The first time the three of us played tude,” says Visscher of the aggressiveness on [before Connelly joined], we turned up re- the EP. “It’s not a response to safe music;

Sleepy Villains and Shy Girls)—the band is gathering steam, bringing Vogel’s exceptional songs to audiences. “What I realized with Incredible Yacht Control is that I’m not making music for any reason,” says Vogel, reflecting on the lessons learned from Crosstide. “At this

point I’m just doing it because that’s who I am and I don’t really care about anything else. With technology being what it is—the downside being there’s eight million records that come out every day that nobody ever hears—but if really all you’re into is making that music, and now you can do it for cheap, then that’s pretty awesome. So the takeaway for me is I love making music and I’ve been able to record a lot of it on my own, and that’s the most important thing. If I make decisions to support that, then I’m going to be happy.”

SARAI ENGEL

INCREDIBLE YACHT CONTROL So where’s this “yacht” you guys won’t shut up about?

it’s just part of all the elements that come together at this point for us. We’re trying to build up some sort of group of bands that don’t have to sound the same, but who are having fun, who have a lot of energy.” Moreover, they just want people to dance. “A lot of the bands that people promote in the papers are pretty boring,” says Visscher. “They’re talented and creative and they’re nice people, but it’s so polite. I don’t wanna go watch a show with my mom and dad.”

With just a little over a year under their belts, Still Caves’ goals as a band remain grounded, taking each step as it comes without worrying about big touring (they all have time-consuming day jobs) or labels (though they’re in talks for a possible vinyl LP release on San Francisco’s Loglady Records). In the meantime, they plan on forging ahead in the same manner in which they accidentally compose songs. “It started with fucking off,” says Williams. “And it’s still fucking off.”

STILL CAVES Look no further for squealing lo-fi cacophony!

Comment on these stories at portlandmercury.com

August 16, 2012 Portland Mercury 17


18 Portland Mercury August 16, 2012


(Pacific North) Western

Denver Keeps Country Music Pure by Mark Lore

MUSIC

DENVER ARE from Portland. Right recently got remixed for vinyl by Mike now three band members are seated in Coykendall, who gave the 11 songs some much-needed soul. Songs like front of a heaping plate of naDenver “Toledo” and “Dancin’ with the chos and a handful of empties Sat Aug 18 Moon” sound alive—taking on at a Southeast bar talking about Doug Fir their love for country music. The 830 E Burnside the feel of a recent rehearsal in the band’s modest practice space, fact that they’re barely aware anything happened in music after 1983 is while also keeping the feel of the early-’70s outlaw country of Waylon Jennings, Willie kind of refreshing. “All I listen to is country,” says guitar- Nelson—and one of Elias’ favorites— ist/vocalist Mike Elias. “It’s all I want to Johnny Paycheck. Elias, Bevitori, and MacNeil all agree play; it’s all I can play.” Drummer Sean MacNeil and guitarist/ they’re ready to move beyond this batch vocalist Tom Bevitori share Elias’ view: of songs. Elias says they have an album’s When they talk about playing country mu- worth of new material ready to go after sic, it’s exactly what they mean. Denver they head out on some West Coast dates isn’t trying to put a modern spin on a later this year. Denver’s live performances genre that spans back almost a century. have gained a reputation for being a little Their music is about as pure a form as drunken and unhinged. “Why go see a band if you’re not goyou’ll likely fi nd in Portland, a city that’s cozying up to the genre with locals like the ing to have fun?” asks MacNeil, admitting Portland Country Underground and Flash that the members have learned to harness Flood and the Dikes delivering equally their rambunctious ways in recent months. “But there’s got to be some balance.” righteous twang. Denver got their start three years ago playing occasional shows with Blitzen Trapper, a band with whom they share Trapper frontman Eric Earley. They recorded their self-titled debut full-length in a Southeast home, which by all accounts was a haze of music, whiskey, and beer. “I didn’t do much,” Bevitori jokes. “I just sat around and got drunk.” The album’s been kicking around for a while, and DENVER “Yeeee-haw! It’s the tree-choppin’ song!”

Rambling Gambling Men

I Went to Helvetia with Helvetia by Ned Lannamann

MUSIC

I IMMEDIATELY LOVE the wonderful- ing, and songs started piling up.” “It was a little bit different from Dustly low-key Nothing in Rambling, so when I hear Jason Albertini has just moved to er, but it had the same sensibilities,” AlPortland, I set up an interview. And be- bertini says. Nothing in Rambling is the seventh Helvetia album, and it cause his band’s name is Helvetia, Helvetia sails on a hazy West Coast vibe, I decide it could be cool to meet Fri Aug 17 with breezy psychedelics and simat the Helvetia Tavern, a homey East End joint located in an unincorporated 203 SE Grand ple, deliberate melodies bolstered by pulsing organ. “It just needed part of Hillsboro that’s also called Helvetia—an alternate name for Switzer- to get simpler to get better,” Albertini land, where Albertini spent much of his says of the latest record. “We just have to childhood. I fail to realize how long it takes move with ourselves.” “There are some things on this that reto get out there, but luckily it’s a beautiful sunny day, and the tavern is surrounded mind me of the early ’90s hardcore stuff,” by gorgeous, rolling farmland. Just as Amber says. “Where it’s kind of jerky, luckily, the band’s other members, C. Dove kind of off.” “I think we’re going in that direction, Amber and Steve Gere, are in town, and by the time we all sit down for some huge too,” adds Albertini. “Doing really simple burgers, we’re all in a fi ne mood. None chord arrangements but with a secondof them were aware there’s a place just wave hardcore mindset behind it, and outside of Portland called Helvetia (pro- doing it more quietly. That’s what Duster always was to me: Where do you go after nounced “Hel-VEE-zia”). The band evolved out of Duster, a you’ve been as loud as you possibly can and group that Amber and Albertini started as fast as you possibly can? Where do you in San Jose and brought north to Se- go from that? You go to super quiet, super attle. The two always helped each other drone-y, slow. And even though Helvetia’s out with recordings: “Four-track stuff, not really been about that, always, it’s albouncing ideas off each other,” Amber ways had that mindset. Trying to be cutsays. “And then Jason just started writ- ting edge in our minds.” August 16, 2012 Portland Mercury 19


4 BaBes Playing the Music of ZePPelin

With sPecial guest

& Grand royale a triBute to the Beastie Boys

samples (aka Ben saMPles) friday september 14 crystal ballroom

1332 W Burnside st Portland, or 8:00PM shoW · all ages tickets at cascade tickets charge By Phone 855-cas-tixx x2 also at crystal BallrooM Box office

friday september 21 dante’s 1 sW 3rd ave · Portland, or 8:00PM doors · 21 and over tickets at safeWay/ticketsWest charge By Phone 503-224-tixx

Pink floyd triBute

House of Floyd

saturday october 6 dante’s 1 sW 3rd ave · Portland, or 8:30PM doors · 21 and over tickets at safeWay/ticketsWest charge By Phone 503-224-tixx

sunday october 7 aladdin theatre

3017 se MilWaukie ave Portland, or 7:30PM shoW all ages tickets at all ticketMaster locations charge By Phone 1-800-745-3000 squarepegconcerts.com

the next Best thing to Johnny cash

tuesday october 16 crystal ballroom

1332 W Burnside st · Portland, or 7:30PM shoW · all ages tickets at cascade tickets charge By Phone 855-cas-tixx x2 also at crystal BallrooM Box office

sunday nov 10 aladdin theatre

3017 se MilWaukie ave · Portland, or 7:30PM shoW · all ages tickets at all ticketMaster locations charge By Phone 1-800-745-3000

& suGarcane

saturday november 3 dante’s 1 sW 3rd ave · Portland, or 9:00PM doors · 21 and over tickets at safeWay/ticketsWest charge By Phone 503-224-tixx

thursday nov 15 elsinore theater

170 high st se · saleM, or · 7:30PM shoW · all ages tickets at safeWay/ticketsWest locations charge By Phone 503-224-tixx

Straight No Chaser

tuesday november 27 arlene schnitzer concert hall 1037 sW BroadWay · Portland, or · 8:00PM doors · all ages tickets at all ticketMaster locations · charge By Phone 1-800-745-3000

20 Portland Mercury August 16, 2012


UP&COMING THIS WEEK’S MUSIC PREVIEWS

THURSDAY 8/16 STILL CAVES, PINKSLIME, PAINTED CANYONS

FRIDAY 8/17

PATAHA HISS, HELVETIA, FIELD TRIPS (East End, 203 SE Grand) See Music, pg. 19.

(The Know, 2026 NE Alberta) See Music, pg. 17.

DESCHUTES STREET FARE: FRUIT BATS, LEWI LONGMIRE AND THE LEFT COAST ROASTERS, SNEAKIN’ OUT (Deschutes Brewery and Public House, 210 NW 11th) The Deschutes Street Fare deposits a bunch of local food carts into the Pearl, resulting in a de facto block party to raise money for Loaves and Fishes, a nonprofi t that brings meals to homebound seniors. This being a Deschutes affair, there are beer pairings for all of the food, and there’s good live music, too; this year Fruit Bats headline. Over the years frontman Eric D. Johnson’s bedroom pop has effortlessly evolved into gently sunburned West Coast folk-rock, making the Bats the perfect soundtrack to a summer’s evening spent out of doors. NED LANNAMANN

WILD ONES, AND AND AND, ANIMAL EYES, ADVENTURES WITH MIGHT, NINJA TURTLE NINJA TIGER (Rontoms, 600 E Burnside) Not to downplay the rest of the band’s contributions, but Wild Ones singer Danielle Sullivan’s voice is one of our city’s local treasures. Half of Wild Ones earned their stripes as members of Eskimo and Sons (if you have never listened to them, fi gure out some way to acquire everything they’ve ever released as soon as you’re done reading this). While Sullivan’s pensive duets with sad-bastard co-vocalist/songwriter Dhani Rosa in that band were exquisite, her effervescent vocal stylings are honestly more suited to this sort of thing. The title track off the group’s debut EP You’re a Winner makes my entire body feel wonderful. I am thankful for this band’s existence, and I can’t wait to tell people I knew them when. (You can get into this show for free by going to rethinkpopmusic.com/ showdeerrsvp and giving some info to a cigarette company.) MORGAN TROPER

KAY KAY AND HIS WEATHERED UNDERGROUND, HUSTLE AND DRONE, THE WE SHARED MILK (Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi) The We Shared Milk were taking a hiatus over the summer and now they’re back! They open a night of eclecticism with heartfelt rock tracks, like “No Shit,” which feels like a rough-around-the-edges modern version of Van Morrison’s “And It Stoned Me,” and some songs that sound like Alien Lanes-era Guided by Voices with shreddier guitar licks. They’ve got something beautiful going on. They then give the stage to Hustle and Drone, Ryan Neighbors’ (ex-Portugal. The Man) insanely likeable new beat-based indie-pop project. They’re followed by Seattle-based cabaret-pop ensemble Kay Kay and His Weathered Underground, who bring gentle melodies to elaborate buildups and surprises. It also doesn’t hurt that their last project featured covers of some of my all-time favorite pop songs by Blackstreet, Hall and Oates, Nu Shooz, Teena Marie, and more. ROCHELLE HUNTER

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, TRANSIENT, NIGHT NURSE, PLEASURE CROSS, DISAVOW (Plan B, 1305 SE 8th) Smashing straight out of the Bay Area, Jesus Fucking Christ play pissed-off, chaotic hardcore punk rock. But don’t be mistaken: This ain’t no three-chord, sloppy garage-pop-punk outfi t. These dudes know how to wail, throwing in face-melting crossover thrash riffs here and there, and dosing the songs with bass lines reminiscent of fellow Bay Area legends Nerve Agents and Rancid. Featuring a couple notable “former members of”— Jamie Morrison from Pitch Black, Dave Edwardson from Neurosis—these guys certainly have experience on their side, as is apparent on their killer, raw-as-fuck 2008 full-length, Life’s Hateful Seed. KEVIN DIERS

HOT PANDA, REVEL SWITCH, SWEEPING EXITS, WHOREHOUNDS (Ted’s, 231 SW Ankeny) Canadian rock quartet Hot Panda sometimes sound like they’re trying to be all things to all people. The band’s third release, Go Outside, takes their proclivities for the synth-pop, punk, and indie rock of yore and hits the mark for a fuzzy good listen. It’s easily their best and most cohesive work to date. Frontman Chris Connelly has pop smarts to go with his wry and occasionally venomous lyrics. They’re a really good band whose only challenge in 2012 is to cut through the white noise of buzz bands and short-lived fl avors of the month. Go Outside might be just the album to do it. MARK LORE

NORAH JONES, CORY CHISEL AND THE WANDERING SONS (Edgefield, 2126 SW Halsey, Troutdale) During the early 2000s, there was a law requiring all coffee shops to play Come Away with Me at least four times a day. As a 23-year-old, I somehow didn’t relate to a peer who was singing torch songs for the golf-andmacchiato set. So when I gave up slinging coffee, I also gave up listening to Norah Jones. Right up until June, that is, when I saw her stunning turn in Ted—she plays the titular alcoholic teddy bear’s ex. Maybe she doesn’t take herself so seriously after all. Her latest, Little Broken Hearts, had been getting rave reviews, so I gave it a listen and found that, no, she’s still awfully serious. Except that on this, her fifth album, Jones has made something dark and tragic and distorted and, finally, age appropriate. Her second collaboration with Danger Mouse (after last year’s Rome) is a noir meditation on heartbreak, as stylish as it is sincere. REBECCA WILSON

CRYSTAL FIGHTERS, Wonder Ballroom, 6/2

EXPERIMENTAL NOISE FEST: DANIEL MENCHE, JOHN WIESE, THE RITA, BLACK AIR, BLUE SABBATH BLACK CHEER, KAKERLAK, RUSALKA, OKHA, SCARD (Ella Street Social Club, 714 SW 20th Pl) “Can you please stop talking?” comes from my right, and I turn to find a girl my age smiling seriously as she walks away from me and my friend. We’re drunk and stubborn in 2011, but when Daniel Menche takes the stage and the audience falls to crossed legs on the ground, we do shut up. After the performance washes over, talking is the one thing I can’t do. It’s no surprise: 20 years in the business of noise music have made the aural and visual fields of Menche’s repertoire powerfully moving. In the Northwest, he’s definitely one of the genre’s chamberlains. Los Angeles’ John Wiese is sure to be another highlight of the Experimental Noise Fest’s first night— his sporadic factories of sound twist and breathe like an anti-melodic version of Venetian Snares, asking audiences that girl’s same question through tense static. JONATHAN MAGDALENO

SEX WOUNDS, DUTY, GUSHER, HAUKSNESS (Kenton Club, 2025 N Kilpatrick) If you’ve gone to shows at houses or dives during the past few years, you may have had the seemingly haphazard chance to catch a set by Hauksness. Although they’ve been playing intermittently, releasing music nonchalantly, and varying their lineup, the core of the project continues to burn brightly, and seems to be on the cusp of becoming a more steady presence. Some stellar recordings are available on their Bandcamp, including the Because Good Is Dumb EP released earlier this year, which features truly killer, deceivingly polished and instantly rapturing tracks like “Limey BP Fish Sticks,” marked by raspy lyrical delivery that intermingles with twisting guitars and frenetic drumming. The But Thou Must EP from 2010 contains such under-two-minute punk perfection as the anthemic “Primitive Arithmetic.” A third EP is upcoming—if it’s more of the same, I can’t wait to hear it. MARANDA BISH

SATURDAY 8/18 DENVER, BEAR AND MOOSE, BARNA HOWARD

(Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside) See Music, pg. 19.

DIGITAL LEATHER, DENIZENZ, SICK SECRETS, GHOST POWER (East End, 203 SE Grand) Denizenz, a gloriously noisy post-pop-punk band that has been gracing stages around town for the past couple years, has not established a strong internet presence. We’re left with a few blurry videos, some old fuzzy recordings, and a trail of show dates reaching back into the previous decade, but from these artifacts one can get a sense of the band’s essence: hysterical, howling vocals, garage-rock style snarls of guitar, skittery keys, and steady drumbeats. One rad track titled “Ideas” commences with a shriek before the vocalist descends into a clever, scathing diatribe, stating, “I’ve got a light bulb like Thomas Edison,” then demanding, “Give me ideas/I want your ideas!” I’ve got one for them, about getting their shit together online, but something tells me these guys may not give a fuck. MB

INTERNATIONAL POP OVERTHROW: THE ECSTATICS, RAMUNE ROCKET 3, BLUE SKIES FOR BLACK HEARTS, THE CRY, THROWBACK SUBURBIA, QUEUED UP (Mt. Tabor Theater, 4811 SE Hawthorne) The International Pop Overthrow festival—which, I should men-

August 16, 2012 Portland Mercury 21


22 Portland Mercury August 16, 2012


UP&COMING

friendly. sounds great. best burger. independent. musician-owned /operated

THIS WEEK’S MUSIC PREVIEWS

tion, takes its name from Material Issue’s excellent debut LP—began in 1998 as a means of showcasing up-and-coming Los Angeles-based power-pop artists. Over the years it has gradually expanded to multiple other big(gish) cities, including Portland. And while it’s an overlooked facet of this city’s music scene (why wouldn’t it be?), PDX definitely has its fair share of stellar Beatles-influenced pop acts. Saturday night’s lineup looks particularly killer: there are PDX pure pop mainstays Blue Skies for Black Hearts, whose most recent LP Embracing the Modern Age was one of the most significant contributions to the genre in recent memory, the irresistibly retro Queued Up, and Exploding Hearts holograms the Cry. Prepare to meet a lot of weirdoes who claim the best band to ever come out of Portland was the Hudson Brothers. (Elliott Who?) MT

JEL, DJ ABILITIES, TOPE, CLOUDY OCTOBER, STEWART VILLAIN, VOID PEDAL, ZAVALA, CRUSHCON7 (Rotture, 315 SE 3rd) DJ Abilities and Jel are two prominent hiphop producers (of Rhymesayers and Anticon, respectively) who emphasize performance and live production. These button-pushing, samplescratching, fader-fl apping geniuses come together again—after their short-lived Deep Puddle Dynamics stint—to tour together doing solo and collaborative sets. Get there early enough for great local emcees Tope and Cloudy October, and a beat set by Stewart Villain. This guy has a beautiful style, especially the ambient, laidback beats on his instrumental album Leftovers. RH

KAYO DOT, THRONES, HANG THE OLD YEAR (Slabtown, 1033 NW 16th) Kayo Dot is a band of multi-instrumentalists led by accomplished experimental musician Toby Driver. The ever-changing Brooklyn-based band has evolved over the last decade to release six studio albums, and while band members have come and gone, the progressive aesthetic that underlies the band’s philosophy has always been present. Self-described as “dark, cinematic, and dream-like,” their style gives the listener ample opportunity to fall into a kaleidoscopic world of sound that, via reinterpretation, ends up quite far from where it began. CHRISTINA BROUSSARD

POLIÇA, SUPREME CUTS (Wonder Ballroom, 128 NE Russell) Poliça make grooving downtempo tunes with singer Channy Leaneagh’s woozy Auto-Tuned vocals as the central focus. Like Leaneagh and band co-founder Ryan Olson’s previous stuff with Minneapolis slowdance “supergroup”/collective Gayngs, it’s formulaic and at times repetitive, but executed well enough to be mostly enjoyable. Openers Supreme Cuts get the edge here, though, for their moody, chopped-sample beats that constantly shift tempos and textures. Though their recent debut LP Whispers in the Dark is getting most of the (deserved) attention, the Chicago duo’s previous Trouble 10-inch, remixes, and forays into rap production—see their upcoming collaborative album with Barbadian rapper Haleek Maul, Chrome Lips—show that their sound goes even deeper than that. MIKE RAMOS

SUNDAY 8/19 KISS, MÖTLEY CRÜE

(Sleep Country Amphitheater, 17200 NE Delfel, Ridgefield, WA) There aren’t many bands in the world more divisive than KISS. Those who love the band do so with religious zealotry; those on the other side look at the band with the same derision as Nickelback. But almost 40 years in, KISS’ place in American music (and pop culture) is secure. They’re consummate underdogs, businessmen, and survivors. And despite what you think, they’re also a rock and roll b®and. Get past Gene Simmons’ massive ego/codpiece. Pass up “Beth” and “Rock and Roll All Nite” for the deep cuts. Know that—with all the makeup and schlock and bombs—these are just four guys from New York that were reared on the best British bands from the ’60s. Simmons and his longtime partner Paul Stanley are all that remain of the original lineup, but there’s still not a better/louder show in town. And they still champion rock ’n’ roll like it’s 1975. It’s big, dumb fun—just like their no-brainer choice for co-headliners, Mötley Crüe. ML Also see My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 15.

JOVANOTTI (Aladdin Theater, 3017 SE Milwaukie) The words “Italian pop star” bring to mind a terrifying vision of an Il Divo-like belter, emitting sweat and schmaltzy dreck for the pleasure of enthusiastic, possibly horny crowds of elderly women. What a surprise it is, then, to listen to Jovanotti’s new Italia 1988-2012 compilation album, which remixes and re-contextualizes some of the Italian pop star’s recordings over his near-25-year career. He started off heavily infl uenced

by the Beastie Boys, then embraced global pop and collaborated with acts like Sérgio Mendes, TV on the Radio, and Luciano Pavarotti. I don’t understand his lyrics, of course, but Jovanotti’s music sounds subtle, diverse, and classy. He recently moved to New York and is trying his hand at the American market, and though I can’t imagine him becoming the kind of sensation he is in Italy, fans of smart pop (who don’t mind lyrics not sung in English) will defi nitely get something out of Jovanotti. NL

MONDAY 8/20 THE CULT, MURDER OF CROWS

(Roseland, 8 NW 6th) See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 15.

TENEMENT, BIG EYES, CRYPTIES, DJ J-ONE ILL (The Know, 2026 NE Alberta) Seattle trio Big Eyes play with the sort of sincerity typically lacking from most ’77 punk-infl uenced bands these days. Their debut LP Hard Life, released last summer, contains 12 tracks of exquisite, jagged Jam-esque powerpop (standout cuts are the hit-worthy “Pretend to Care” and far-too-relatable closer “Tired All the Time”), and their latest 7-inch “Back from the Moon” sounds like a lost Muffs classic. It’s the band stepping even further in the right direction and branching out stylistically (lead vocalist Kate Eldridge is starting to really “push it” to great effect). This is like a badass Best Coast. MT

503.288.3895 info@mississippistudios.com 3939 N. Mississippi

8pm Doors, 9pm Show Unless otherwise noted

Seattle based group of intricate and well-orchestrated psych-pop full of catchy hooks and symphonic complexity

KAY KAY RAGS & RIBBONS & HIS WEATHERED UNDERGROUND FICTIONIST FICTIONIST

HUSTLE AND DRONE +THE WE SHARED MILK

THUR AUG 16th

LOVE SONGS FOR LAMPS: CALVIN JOHNSON, BROKEN WATER, THE SHIVAS, THE MEMORIES, WHITE RAINBOW & MORE (Crystal Ballroom, 1332 W Burnside) See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 15.

INCREDIBLE YACHT CONTROL, PIGEONS, CHARTS, SLEEPY VILLAIN (Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison) See Music, pg. 17.

ZZ TOP, NASHVILLE PUSSY (Edgefi eld, 2126 SW Halsey, Troudale) ZZ Top has always been a slave to the production value and pop sensibility of the time. In the ’70s, it was beerdrenched, bitchin’ Southern rock ’n’ roll and livestock on stage. In the ’80s, it was over-production and music videos with furry guitars and leggy chicks. The ’90s, well... let’s skip that period. Thankfully, the recent trend for resurfacing rockers is a return to form. Top’s Texicali EP, the band’s fi rst release since 2003, has four good, old-fashioned American cruising cuts that could probably make your sideburns grow faster. It’s no Fandango!, but it’s stacked with swagger and stomp-ability. Also, to display their ever-present savviness, the EP was released digitally only. Even though they’re at the end of the alphabet, ZZ Top knows how to, well, stay on top. ARIS WALES Also see My, What a Busy Week! , pg. 15.

$10 ADV

Rock ‘n’ Roll Camp For Girls Presents:

Pop influenced duo of bedroom turntablists who make dream-disco that feels like a hazy assembly of chart hits heard last thing at night

TEENGIRL FANTASY

THREE MILE PILOT, DRAMADY

WEDNESDAY 8/22

+VIOLET ISLE

FRI AUG 17th

$8 ADV

TUESDAY 8/21 (Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside) It’s surprising to see Three Mile Pilot back on the touring circuit, but any activity at all is surprising after a decade or so of immobility. I’m pretty damn confident that old listeners love the familiar sound of their 2010 release The Inevitable Past Is the Future Forgotten, but that observation always kinda begs the question: Did the group’s inactivity foster an acceptance of a single rooted sound, or did it only marinate them in the character of their 1997 full-length Another Desert, Another Ocean? Fuck it. They’re a great rock band through and through, with a genealogy that deserves nods from anyone who remembers the premainstream era of indie rock. JM

Melodic rock anthems driven by classically-inspired piano. Check out their latest album The Glass Masses

GATEKEEPER

+THUNDER HORSE

SAT AUG 18th

$12 ADV

2:30 Doors 3:00 Show Mostly Standing Seated Balcony

SUN AUG 19th

“Eleni Mandell is perhaps L.A.‘s best kept secret. She’s impressively quaint and her tracks are laden stripped down and soulful—yielding an unapologetic sensibility.” -Paste Magazine

ELENI

Mississippi Summer Sessions Presents: Striking songs from a notable folk artist whose live performances are touching. Check our her latest self-titled debut album

MANDELL TUES AUG 21st

SARAH GWEN PETERS SUN AUGUST 19th

TUESDAYS

QUIZZY

ALL AGES 3:00-7:00pm

FREE 6:30-8:30

FREE - PRIZES!

at Bar Bar w/ Quizmaster ROY SMALLWOOD

$7 ADV

+DAVID DONDERO $8 ADV

NPR brings All Songs Considered to Mississippi Studios for a live listening party with Bob Boilen, Robin Hilton & More

ALL SONGS CONSIDERED

LISTENING PARTY

WED AUG 22nd

SOLD OUT

Mississippi Studios and opbmusic present PDX/Rx:

Musician, songwriter and author well known for her famed projects with the alt rock band Throwing Muses and punk-influenced band 50 Foot Wave

KRISTIN

RAYMOND

BYRON & THE WHITE FREIGHTER

HERSH 7:00 Doors, 8:00 Show Mostly Seated

+MBILLY

THUR AUG 23rd

$18 ADV

HOUNDSTOOTH +AL JAMES

FRI AUG 24th

FREE

An inspiring and fresh organ trio lineup of dark funky rhythms and blues lick solos

Americana rock ‘n’ roll from Texas favorites

BAND OF HEATHENS

ALAN EVANS TRIO THE

THE LOWER 48, OH DARLING, SEAN SPELLMAN (Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside) Who knows when the Lower 48 will exhaust their penchant for geography, but let’s hope it carries them through another album at least. Like a good map, the Portland-by-way-of-Minnesota trio brims with possibility, even at their most utilitarian. With only an EP and an album—last fall’s Where All Maps End—in their knapsacks, they have reached a maturity, a gravitas, that coexists surprisingly well with their warmth. A lot of this is the product of Sarah Parson, whose singular voice comes from deep within her throat, providing aural texture to cling to, even when the band is at their most mellow. Parson’s voice is in direct contrast to that of Jasmine Ash, the ethereal lady who fronts LA-based Oh Darling. Her voice is so sweet that, no joke, a chocolate company used one of her solo songs in an international advertising campaign. Classic rocker Sean Spellman of Quiet Life will open the eccentric lineup. RW

+LERA LYNN

SAT AUG 25th

$13 ADV

SUN AUG 26th

+EXCELLENT GENTLEMEN $12 ADV

Coming Soon: 8/27 - MOUNT EERIE 8/28 - ADAM ARCURAGI & THE LUPINE CHORALE SOCIETY 8/29 - GREYLAG 8/30 - VEKTOR 8/31 - JC BROOKS & THE UPTOWN SOUND 9/2 - BRENT AMAKER & THE RODEO 9/4 - THE SALE 9/5 - SUPERHUMANOIDS 9/6 - POKEY LAFARGE & THE SOUTH CITY THREE 9/7 - JOE PUG 9/8 - DEEP SEA DIVER

9/8 - MILO GREENE 9/9 - SCHOOL OF ROCK SUMMER MIX TAPE 9/10 - BRIAN BLADE 9/12 - THE BRIGHT LIGHT SOCIAL HOUR 9/13 - THE FRESH & ONLYS 9/14 - JUNO WHAT?! 9/15 - NURSES 9/16 - SCHOOL OF ROCK 9/16 - ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO’S NEST 50th ANNIVERSARY 9/18 - THE DEFIBRULATORS 9/19 - HOLOGRAMS

Scan this for show info

& free music

www.mississippistudios.com August 16, 2012 Portland Mercury 23


24 Portland Mercury August 16, 2012


LIVE MUSIC THURSDAY 8/16

ALADDIN THEATER—Eric Johnson, 8 pm, $25 ★ ALBERTA ROSE THEATRE—Jesca Hoop, Jesse Harris ★ ALBERTA STREET PUBLIC HOUSE—Dolorean, Meridian, 6:30 pm; Nate Weiner, Sam Densmore, Katie Roberts, 9:30 pm AL’S DEN—Mike Brown, 8 pm, free ANDINA—Matices, 7 pm, free ARTICHOKE MUSIC—Songwriter Roundup, 7 pm, $5 ASH STREET SALOON—Mane of the Cur, Cutlass Supreme, The Warshers, 9:30 pm, $5 BACK DOOR THEATER—Brad Parsons, Jay Cobb Anderson, 7:30 pm BACKSPACE—Profcal, 9 pm, $5, all ages BIDDY MCGRAW’S—Vanport Drifters, 9 pm BLUE DIAMOND—Ben Jones, 9 pm BLUE MONK—Alan Jones, 8 pm BRANX—Ocean of Mirrors, I Am the Monster, Mureau, Kingdom of Giants, Parley, Hands for Battle, 7:15 pm, $8, all ages BRASSERIE MONTMARTRE—A Tiempo, 5:30 pm BUFFALO GAP—Jeordie, Lost & Found, 9 pm CAMELLIA LOUNGE—Kevin Mason Hull, 9 pm, free CLYDE’S PRIME RIB—Jim Mesi, Steve Bradley, 7 pm COMMON GROUNDS COFFEE HOUSE—Jay Cobb Anderson, Brad Parsons THE CONQUISTADOR—Greazy Rock Oomph: DJ AM Gold, 10 pm, free CORKSCREW WINE BAR—Jason Okamoto, 8 pm COUCH PARK—Ty Curtis Band, 6:30 pm, free DANTE’S—Cody Canada & the Departed, Aces Up ★ DESCHUTES BREWERY & PUBLIC HOUSE—Deschutes Street Fare: Fruit Bats, Lewi Longmire & The Left Coast Roasters, Sneakin’ Out, 5 pm, $10-30 DOUG FIR—Griffin House, Callaghan, 9 pm, $12 DUFF’S GARAGE—Tough Love Pyle, 6 pm, $2; Eddie Turner Band, 9 pm EAST BURN—Boy & Bean, 10 pm, free EAT: AN OYSTER BAR—Steve Cheseborough, 7 pm EDGEFIELD—Mark Ransom & the Mostest, 6 pm, free, all ages THE ELIXIR LAB—Johnny D’s Community Jam, 7 pm ELLA STREET SOCIAL CLUB—Old Age, Chimney Choir, Light Creates Shadow, John Shepski, 9 pm, $5 FIRKIN TAVERN—Pals Music Festival: Talkative, Love Cats, Consenting Adult, Glass Bones, 8 pm, free GOODFOOT—King Harvest, 9 pm GRAND CAFE/ANDREA’S CHA CHA CLUB—Pilon d’Azucar Salsa Band, 9:30 pm HALIBUT’S—Terry Robb, 8 pm, free HAWTHORNE THEATRE—Swingin’ Utters, Roll the Tanks, Rendered Useless, Burn the Stage, 7 pm, $1315, all ages HAWTHORNE THEATRE LOUNGE—The Tummybuckles, A Volcano; Hellbound Glory, 8:30 pm, $7 HEATHMAN—Johnny Martin, 7 pm ★ HOLOCENE—Fatha Green, Unicorn Domination, We Are Like the Spider, American Girls, 8:30 pm, $5 IVORIES JAZZ LOUNGE AND RESTAURANT—Laura Cunard, 5:30 pm, free JADE LOUNGE—Colin Fisher, Ben Wolman, Sparkle Nation, Krista Herring, 6 pm JAM ON HAWTHORNE—Hot Club of Hawthorne, 5 pm, free JIMMY MAK’S—Mel Brown B3 Organ Band, 8 pm, $5; Coco Montoya, 8 pm, $13-16 KELLY’S OLYMPIAN—The Tomorrow People, Smiley Get Dressed, Local Dudes, 9 pm, $5 ★ KENNEDY SCHOOL—The Moondoggies, 7 pm, free KENTON CLUB—Heavy Baang Staang, 9 pm, free ★ THE KNOW—Still Caves, Pinkslime, Painted Canyons LANDMARK SALOON—The Pick Ups, 8:30 pm, free LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—Garcia Birthday Band, 6 pm; Jimmy Boyer Band, 9:30 pm LVS—Soulmates, 9 pm MILL ENDS TAVERN—Peter Cornett’s Riverboat Convention MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB—The Dirigible Brothers, 6 pm; The Dead Crew of Oddwood, Bilgerats & Pyrettes, 9 pm ★ MISSISSIPPI STUDIOS—Kay Kay & His Weathered Underground, Hustle & Drone, The We Shared Milk MOCK CREST TAVERN—Eric Vanderwall, 8 pm ★ MT. TABOR THEATER LOUNGE—International Pop Overthrow: Josh & Mer, Sucker for Lights, UHF, Metropolitan Farms, The Hugs”, The Satin Chaps, 7 pm, $10 MUDDY RUDDER—Jerry Zybach, 8 pm MUSIC MILLENNIUM—Cory Chisel, 6 pm, free, all ages OREGON CONVENTION CENTER—Plaza Palooza: Sonny Hess, Women in Blues Revue, 5 pm, free, all ages ★ PLAN B—Jesus Fucking Christ, Transient, Night Nurse, Pleasure Cross, Disavow, 8 pm POWELL’S BOOKS ON HAWTHORNE—Kate Hopkins THE PRESS CLUB—SuS Quartet, 8 pm QUIMBY’S AT 19TH—Chris Baum Project, 9 pm, free ★ RECORD ROOM—Bubble Cats, Coral Stabz, Wooden Indian Burial Ground”, 8 pm, $3-5 ★ REJUVENATION—Live Wire! A Wave of Light: Blue Cranes, The Doubleclicks, Lovebomb Go-Go, 6 pm, $25 ROCK BOTTOM BREWERY—Ben Rice, 9:30 pm ★ RONTOMS—Wild Ones, And And And, Animal Eyes, Adventures with Might, Ninja Turtle Ninja Tiger, 9 pm SLABTOWN—The Blueness, For the Lash, La Fin Absolute du Monde, 9 pm, $5

SLIM’S—Christopher Reyne, Howell & Wild, Liz de Lise THE TARDIS ROOM—Illage Camp Talent Showcase ★ TED’S—Hot Panda, Revel Switch, Sweeping Exits, Whorehounds, 9:30 pm, $6 THIRSTY LION—Robert Meade, 9:30 pm TIGER BAR—Karaoke from Hell, 9:30 pm, free TONIC LOUNGE—Lightsystem, Axxicorn, Excuses, Lunar Grave, 9:30 pm TONY STARLIGHT’S—PCC Student Showcase: Mitzi Zilka, 7:30 pm, $7 VALENTINE’S—Jonah Parzen-Johnson, The Westerlies, Sean Spellman, 9 pm VIE DE BOHEME—Catarina New, 8 pm WHITE EAGLE—Kory Quinn, 5:30 pm, free, all ages; Zoe Muth, Horse Thieves, 8:30 pm, free WILF’S—Mike & Haley Horsfall, 7:30 pm

FRIDAY 8/17 ALBERTA ROSE THEATRE—Leroy Bell, 9 pm ALBERTA STREET PUBLIC HOUSE—Mikey’s Irish Jam Session, 6:30 pm; Kevin Burke, Bronnie Griffin Band, Cul an Ti, 9:30 pm AL’S DEN—Mike Brown, 8 pm, free ANDINA—Nat Hulskamp, 8 pm, free ARTICHOKE MUSIC—Friday Night Coffeehouse, $5, all ages ASH STREET SALOON—Back Alley Barbers, The Good Sons, Johnny Credit & the Cash Machine, 4 pm, free; Rare Monk, Opie, Insomnia Project, 9:30 pm, $5 BEATERVILLE BAR & LUBRITORIUM—Wendy & The Lost Boys, 8 pm, free BIDDY MCGRAW’S—Lynn Conover, 6 pm, all ages; Counterfeit Cash, 9:30 pm BLUE DIAMOND—Lloyd Allen Sr., 9 pm BRASSERIE MONTMARTRE—Trashcan Joe, 8 pm BUFFALO GAP—Kissdodger, The Darren Johnson Effort, CAMELLIA LOUNGE—Circle 3 Trio, 9 pm, $6 COMMON GROUNDS COFFEE HOUSE—I am the Lake of Fire, 7:30 pm DANTE’S—Big Sam’s Funky Nation, The Quick & Easy Boys, 9 pm, $14 ★ DOUG FIR—Otis Heat, Tango Alpha Tango, Paper or Plastic”, 9 pm, $8-10 DUFF’S GARAGE—The Hamdogs, 6 pm, $2; The Del-Rods, Wave Sauce, Outer Space Heaters, Susan SurfTone, 8 pm, $5 EAST BURN—Closely Watched Trains, 10 pm, free ★ EAST END—Pataha Hiss, Helvetia, Field Trips, 9 pm ★ EDGEFIELD—Norah Jones, Cory Chisel & The Wandering Sons, 6:30 pm, $40-63, all ages; Frame by Frame, 7 pm ELIZABETH CARUTHERS PARK—Toque Libre, 6:30 pm, free, all ages ★ ELLA STREET SOCIAL CLUB—Experimental Noise Fest Day 1: Daniel Menche, John Wiese, The Rita, Black Air, Blue Sabbath Black Cheer, Kakerlak, Rusalka, Okha, Scard, 8 pm, $5 FIRKIN TAVERN—Pals Music Festival: Threadbear, Log Across the Washer, Le Printemps, De La Warf, 8 pm, free FOGGY NOTION—Second Anniversary Party: The Pathogens, Audios Amigos, 9 pm, free FORD FOOD & DRINK—The Low Bones, 5 pm, free, all ages; Copper & Coal, 8 pm, free, all ages HALIBUT’S—Linda Hornbuckle Trio, 8 pm, free ★ HAWTHORNE THEATRE—Bison Bison, Nudity, Turbo Perfecto, Fellwoods, 8 pm, $8 HAWTHORNE THEATRE LOUNGE—Rabid Wombat HEATHMAN—Bobby Torres Ensemble, 8 pm ★ HOLLYWOOD THEATRE—Organ Grinders: Metropolis: Bent Knee, 8 pm, $10 HOLOCENE—Rockbox: Matt Nelkin, DJ Kez, Dundiggy ISLAND MANA WINES—David & Goliath, 4 pm; Joe Marquand, 4:30 pm JADE LOUNGE—Nate Weiner, Rachael Rice, Wynter Byrnes, 6 pm JIMMY MAK’S—Steely Dawn, Trio Flux, 8 pm, $12 KATIE O’BRIEN’S—Absent Minds”, Faster Housecat, Jercs KELLY’S OLYMPIAN—New Liberty, The Gallery, Metal City, Foreign Talks, 8 pm, $7 ★ KENTON CLUB—Sex Wounds, Gusher, Duty, Haukshess, 9 pm, free ★ THE KNOW—Gallons, Harshist, Mustaphamond, 8 pm LANDMARK SALOON—The Portland Playboys, 9 pm LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—Michael Hurley & The Croakers, 6 pm; Pagan Jug Band, 9:30 pm LOLA’S ROOM—Liftoff, Melvoy, Lunic, Varlet, 9 pm, $8 LVS—Andy Stokes, 9 pm MACADAM’S BAR & GRILL—Bottleneck Blues Band, 9 pm MILL ENDS TAVERN—Norman Sylvester, 9 pm, $5 MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB—Jeordie, 6 pm; Melao d’Cuba, 9 pm MISSISSIPPI STUDIOS—Rags & Ribbons, Fictionist, Violet Isle, 9 pm, $10-12 MOCK CREST TAVERN—Joe McMurrian, 9 pm MT. TABOR THEATER—Papafish, Uprooted, 8 pm, $7 ★ MT. TABOR THEATER LOUNGE—International Pop Overthrow: Sean Wagner & The Ne’er Do Wells, Sweet Diss & the Comebacks, Beyond Veronica”, Beautiful Lies, Russ Tolman, The Quags, 8 pm, $10 MUDDY RUDDER—Terry Robb, Lauren Sheehan, 8 pm

Seattle VS. Portland PoP Battle! saturday august 18th 8pm

The Torn ACLs Fanno Creek The Hoot Hoots Talkative Friends and Family Pheasant Balloons Tiananmen Bear BackSPace all ageS $5

VS.

Happy Hour 2 – 8pm Everyday! Full Bar & Menu Until 2:30am 3267 SE Hawthorne Blvd.

503-239-1143

August 16, 2012 Portland Mercury 25


SUN 8/19 - PHISH PHRY - WEBCAST- FREE!!! SAT 8/18 - THE WAY DOWNS, EROTIC CITY FRI 8/17 - DJ AQUAMAN’S SOUL STEW THURS 8/16 - KING HARVEST: A TRIBUTE TO LEVON HELM and THE BAND WED 8/15 - SIMON TUCKER GROUP, THE GIRAFFE DODGERS MON - SONIC FORUM - OPEN MIC TUES 8/21 - RADULA - FREE!!! WED 8/22 - THE FUNK ARK THURS 8/23 - BLACKBERRY BUSHES, WENDY and the LOST BOYS FRI 8/24- DJ AQUAMAN’S SOUL STEW SAT 8/25 - THE DOO-DOO FUNK ALL-STARS TUES 8/28 - RADULA - FREE!!!

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26 Portland Mercury August 16, 2012

836 N. RUSSELL *FREE*


LIVE MUSIC MUSIC MILLENNIUM—Griffin House, 6 pm, free, all ages NEL CENTRO—Mike Pardew, 9:30 pm NEW COPPER PENNY—Buddy Hinton Band, Roger DeCarlo, Pushing Wayward, 9 pm O’CONNORS VAULT—John Bunzow Band, 8 pm, $5 OREGON ZOO—Buddy Guy, Jonny Lang, 7 pm, $54, all ages PLAN B—From Ashes Rise, Hard Skin, Trauma, Criminal Damage, Talk is Poison, 8 pm POLISH HALL—The Beauty of Early Polish Music: Musica Maestrale, Polly Gibson, Catherine Olson, Hideki Yamaya, Victoria Gunn Pich, 7:30 pm, $10, all ages PONDEROSA LOUNGE (AT JUBITZ)—Britnee Kellogg, 9 pm, $5 PORTLAND SPIRIT—The Dimes”, 3 pm, $28 THE PRESS CLUB—Vacilando, Matthew Colin, 8 pm RED ROOM—Nautical Mile, Shit, Town & The Writ, Manx ROCK BOTTOM BREWERY—Rusty Bandsaw, 10 pm THE SECRET SOCIETY—Lincoln’s Beard, 6 pm, free; Her Ghost, Patti King, 9 pm, $8-12 SLABTOWN—The Loathesome Couple, Tsepesch, Lamprey, Pancho Time, 9 pm, $3 SLIM’S—Baby Gramps, 9 pm, free ★ THE SPARE ROOM—Erotic City, 9 pm, $5 THE TARDIS ROOM—The River Road Show, 9 pm ★ TED’S—Zouaves, Kaleido Skull, Dinosaur Heart, 9:25 pm THIRSTY LION—Will Bradley Band, 9:30 pm TONIC LOUNGE—Gemtones, Fast Fox, Flat Black Tomato, Tim Alexander, The Hunt, Blank Check, 8 pm TONY STARLIGHT’S—Signatures, 8 pm, $12-15 TRADER VIC’S—Tribute to Frank Sinatra: John English, 5 pm TRAIL’S END SALOON (OREGON CITY)—Cee Cee James TRIPLE NICKEL—Video Night Fever: DJ Stockholmz TROUT LAKE COUNTRY INN—The Kingsmen, 9 pm VIE DE BOHEME—Ty Curtis, 8:30 pm THE WAYPOST—Mandarin Dynasty, Dustin Aaron Scharlach, Leo J & the Melee, 8 pm WHITE EAGLE—The Reverb Brothers”, 5:30 pm, free, all ages; The Lonesomes, The Honeycutters, 9:30 pm, $6 WILF’S—Tasha Miller, Darrell Grant, Bill Athens, 7:30 pm WONDER BALLROOM—Luis de la Tota, 9 pm

SATURDAY 8/18 ★ ALBERTA ROSE THEATRE—National Flower, Celilo, Measure, 8 pm, $8-10 ALBERTA STREET PUBLIC HOUSE—J Wagner, Carl Solomon, 6:30 pm; How Long Jug Band, 9:30 pm ALL SAINTS EPISCOPAL CHURCH—Northwest Oboe Seminar, 7:30 pm, $10 AL’S DEN—Mike Brown, 8 pm, free ANDINA—Toshi Onizuka, 8 pm, free ASH STREET SALOON—36 Crazyfists, Dirtnap, The Mediam, O.A.K., 9 pm, $10 ★ BACKSPACE—Portland vs. Seattle Pop Battle: Fanno Creek, The Hoot Hoots, Talkative, Friends & Family, Pheasant, The Torn ACLs, Tiananmen Bear, Balloons, 8 pm, $5, all ages BIDDY MCGRAW’S—Deception Past, 9:30 pm BLUE DIAMOND—Kevin Selfe, 9 pm ★ BOSSANOVA BALLROOM—Def Con 5: 20 Year Anniversary: Don’t Talk to the Cops, Serge Severe, Luck-One, Mic Crenshaw, Theory Hazit, Rocket One, DJ Wicked, DJ Wels, DJ Mello Cee, Deff Ro, DJ Mighty Moves, 5 pm, free, all ages BRASSERIE MONTMARTRE—Boy & Bean, 8 pm BRIDGEPORT BREWPUB & BAKERY—Ian McFeron Band, 7 pm, free BUFFALO GAP—David Brothers, 9 pm CAMELLIA LOUNGE—Linda Lee Michelet, 9 pm COURTYARD AT MT. TABOR—Ben Rice Band, 7 pm COMMON GROUNDS COFFEE HOUSE—Buzz Holland, Ron Rogers, Joe New, 7 pm, $7 ★ DOUG FIR—Denver, Bear & Moose, Barna Howard DUFF’S GARAGE—DK Stewart Sextet, 9 pm, $10 EAST BURN—The Fabulous Downey Brothers, Airpocalypse, DJ Revron, 10 pm, free ★ EAST END—Digital Leather, Denizenz, Sick Secrets, Ghost Power, 9 pm EDGEFIELD—Larry Wilder & The Stumptown Stars, 7 pm THE ELIXIR LAB—Cow Paddy Stompers, 9 pm ★ ELLA STREET SOCIAL CLUB—Experimental Noise Fest Day 2: The Tenses, Macro, R. Jencks, Obstacle Corpse, Josh Rose, Taskmaster, Vasculae, Redneck, HHL, Striations, 8 pm, $5 THE FIXIN’ TO—The Instigators: Child Children, Last Prick Standing, Right on John, 6 pm GEMINI LOUNGE—Rebel Radio, 9 pm, free GOODFOOT—The Way Downs”, Erotic City, 9 pm, $6 HALIBUT’S—Lisa Mann, 8 pm, free HAWTHORNE THEATRE—American Roulette”, Beringia, Proven, Kingdom Under Fire, Bloodoath, 7 pm, $8, all ages HEATHMAN—Barbara Lusch, 8 pm, free IVORIES JAZZ LOUNGE AND RESTAURANT—Laura Cunard, 5:30 pm, free JADE LOUNGE—Matthew Heller, Slater Smith, Adam Sweeney, 6 pm JIMMY MAK’S—Renato Caranto, Bernard Purdie, Louis Pain, Linda Hornbuckle, 10 pm, $9-11 KATIE O’BRIEN’S—Yo Adrian, Pokedasquid, End Notes, Ether Circus”, 9 pm

KELLY’S OLYMPIAN—Hopeless Jack & The Handsome Devils, Alabama Black Snake, Objects in Space, 9 pm, $5 KENTON CLUB—The Burning Bridges, Qwong” THE KNOW—Death Machine, Rat Damage, Contempt LANGANO LOUNGE—Blackbars, 9 pm LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—Tree Frogs, 6 pm; Kory Quinn & The Comrades, Blind Bartimaeus, 9:30 pm THE LOVECRAFT—House of Light, Sungaze, 9 pm MACADAM’S BAR & GRILL—DeeDee Foxx & the Stimulus Package, 9 pm MILL ENDS TAVERN—Andy Stokes Band, 9 pm, $5 MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB—Shoehorn, 4 pm; Tallulah’s Daddy, 4 pm, all ages; The Jamblers, 6 pm; Snapperheads, 9 pm MISSISSIPPI STUDIOS—Teengirl Fantasy, Gatekeeper, Thunder Horse, 9 pm, $12 MOCK CREST TAVERN—Nopo Mojo, 9 pm MT. TABOR THEATER—Gordon Avenue, Riverpool, Jetpack Missing, 8 Ohm Prophet, 7 pm, $8, all ages ★ MT. TABOR THEATER LOUNGE—International Pop Overthrow: The Ecstatics, Ramune Rocket 3, Blue Skies for Black Hearts”, The Cry, Throwback Suburbia, Queued Up, 8 pm, $10 MUDDY RUDDER—Mike Brosnan, 8 pm NEL CENTRO—Mike Pardew, Dave Captein, Randy Rollofson, 9:30 pm O’CONNORS VAULT—Jack McMahon Band, 8 pm, $5 OREGON ZOO—Pink Martini PLAN B—Battalion of Saints, 13 Scars, Long Knife, 8 pm PONDEROSA LOUNGE (AT JUBITZ)—Can’t Hardly Playboys, 9 pm, $5 THE PRESS CLUB—Nate Weiner, Sam Cooper, 8 pm RECORD ROOM—Haviana Whaal, Marmits, The Hand That Bleeds”, 9 pm RED ROOM—Back Alley Barbers, Working Class Zeroes, Wetsock, Thorntown Tallboys, 7:30 pm ROCK BOTTOM BREWERY—Velvet Knights, 10 pm ★ ROTTURE—Jel, DJ Abilities, Tope, Cloudy October, Stewart Villain, Void Pedal, Zavala, Crushcon7, 9 pm, $10 SELLWOOD PUBLIC HOUSE—We Speak Bocce, 9 pm SHAKER AND VINE—Ill Lucid Onset, Jackson Jackson & The Citizens, 8 pm, $5 ★ SLABTOWN—Kayo Dot, Thrones, Hang the Old Year, 9 pm, $8 SLIM’S—Boxcar Stringband, Harley Bourbon, 9 pm, free SLOAN’S TAVERN—The Witching Hour: DJ Dark Daughter, 9 pm SOMEDAY LOUNGE—Roshan Maloney, Dana Falconberry THE SPARE ROOM—Cool Breeze, 9 pm THIRSTY LION—Audio Syndicate, 9:30 pm TIGER BAR—Never Awake, Marching Mind, Halcion Halo, Static Parallel, 9 pm, $6 TONIC LOUNGE—Soap Box Derby After Party: PDX Punk Rock Collective, Lord Master”, Pale Blue Sky TONY STARLIGHT’S—Salute to the Copa: Tony Starlight, All-Star Horns, 8 pm, $16 TRADER VIC’S—Xavier Tavera’s Chamber Orchestra from Cuba, 8 pm TWILIGHT CAFE & BAR—In Cahoots, Bikini, Stolen Rose, Minty Rosa, Definoceans, 9 pm, $5 VIE DE BOHEME—Womba, 9 pm THE WAYPOST—Maesa, Hip Hatchet, 8 pm ★ WHITE EAGLE—The Student Loan, 4:30 pm, free, all ages; Wild Bells, Luminous Things, The My Oh Mys, 9:30 pm, $6 WILF’S—Ron Steen, 7:30 pm ★ WONDER BALLROOM—Poliça, Supreme Cuts, 9 pm, $13-15, all ages

SUNDAY 8/19 ★ ALADDIN THEATER—Jovanotti, 8 pm, $20 ALBERTA ROSE THEATRE—The Backyard Blues Boys, 8 pm, $8-10 AL’S DEN—Yards, 8 pm, free ANDINA—Danny Romero, 7 pm AUGUSTANA LUTHERAN CHURCH—Augustana Jazz Quartet, 6 pm, free, all ages ★ BACK DOOR THEATER—The Chair Project”, Damn Family, Anne Mersereau, 8 pm, $4 BACKSPACE—Micropalooza 2012: McFireDrill, Daddy Long Legs, Electric Children, Plain Flavored, 5 pm, $5, all ages BIDDY MCGRAW’S—Felim Egan, 8 pm BLUE MONK—John Gross Quartet, 8 pm CLYDE’S PRIME RIB—Ron Steen Jazz Jam, 8:30 pm, free DANTE’S—Sinferno Cabaret, 11 pm ★ DOUG FIR—Pickin’ on Sundays: Star Anna, Kasey Anderson, 3 pm, free DUFF’S GARAGE—Fiona Boyes, 8 pm EAT: AN OYSTER BAR—Reggie Houston’s Box of Chocolates, 11 am EDGEFIELD—Lynn Conover, John Mitchell, 5 pm, free FIRKIN TAVERN—Open Mic, 8 pm, free FORD FOOD & DRINK—Tim Roth, 2 pm, free, all ages GROUND KONTROL—Micropalooza 2012: Mechlo, Operation Mission, Andreas, Producer Snafu, 8 pm, $5 HAWTHORNE THEATRE—We Rise the Tides, Whispers of Wonder, Simon Says Die, Bury Your Horses, From Here to Eternity, Censure, 6:30 pm, $8-10, all ages HAWTHORNE THEATRE LOUNGE—Raq the Casbah JADE LOUNGE—Alexa Wiley, 7 pm

Alberta Rose Theatre Thursday, August 16th

Jesca Hoop

Jesse Harris

Friday, August 17th

LEROY BELL THE X F FINAL ACTOR IST!

& HIS ONLY FRIENDS

Saturday, August 18th

National Flower

WITH

Celilo AND Measure Sunday, August 19th

THE BACKYARD BLUES BOYS

Wednesday, August 22nd

BROAD COMEDY

Friday, August 24th

TONY STARLIGHT SALUTES

NEIL DIAMOND 40TH ANNIVERSARY OF

"HOT AUGUST NIGHT" Saturday, August 25th

OKAIDJA AFROSO

SHOKOTO

CD RELEASE

Coming Soon 8.26 - PETER CASE 8.30 - LAST THURSDAY TRIBUTE TO TOM WAITS 8.31 - THE SOUL REBELS

(503) 764-4131 3000 NE Alberta AlbertaRoseTheatre.com August 16, 2012 Portland Mercury 27


LIVE MUSIC THE KNOW—American Lies, The Mishaps, 8 pm LANDMARK SALOON—Ian Miller, Jake Ray, 5:30 pm LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—Freak Mountain Ramblers, 6 pm; Dan Haley, Tim Acott, 9:30 pm, free MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB—Lazy Champions, 6 pm; Ataxia Cab, 9 pm MISSISSIPPI STUDIOS—Ladies Rock Camp Showcase: Rock ’n’ Roll Camp for Girls, 2:30 pm, $7-10, all ages; Sarah Gwen Peters, 3 pm, free, all ages ★ MOON & SIXPENCE—Foghorn Stringband, free MT. SCOTT PARK—People of the Drum: Portland Taiko, Obo Addy, Medicine Bear, Mexica Tiahui, Rodolfo Serna, 3:30 pm, free MUDDY RUDDER—Irish Music, 4 pm O’CONNORS VAULT—Country Side of Sunday PARAGON—Damian Erskine, 4 pm, free, all ages ★ PLAN B—Danava, Lecherous Gaze, Lord Dying, Pins of Light, 8 pm ROCK BOTTOM BREWERY—Dojo Toolkit, 9 pm ★ RONTOMS—Pure Bathing Culture, White Hinterland, Jeffrey Jerusalem, 8:30 pm, free SLABTOWN—The Numbats, Whales, 9 pm ★ SLEEP COUNTRY AMPHITHEATER—KISS, Mötley Crüe, 7 pm, $30-151, all ages SLIM’S—Jelly Bread, 9 pm, free THE SPARE ROOM—Angel Bouchet Band, 8 pm, free STAR THEATER—Urban Sub All-Stars, 9 pm TONIC LOUNGE—The Ian Fays, Datura Blues”, 9 pm TWIN PARADOX CAFE—Sore Finger Jam, 2:30 pm ★ VALENTINE’S—Rebecca Gates, Mike Coykendall, 5 pm, $3; Montgomery Word, Renfield, DJ Tuff Fuzz, 9 pm, $3 THE WAYPOST—The Tony Green Orchestra, 6 pm WHITE EAGLE—Boxcar Stringband, Harley Bourbon

MONDAY 8/20 AL’S DEN—Yards, 8 pm, free ASH STREET SALOON—Tigress, Twin Suns, 9:30 pm BACKSPACE—You May Die in the Desert, Holy Tentacles, 9 pm, all ages BLUE DIAMOND—Tom Grant, 9 pm DANTE’S—Karaoke from Hell, 10 pm DUFF’S GARAGE—Free Will, 9 pm EDGEFIELD—Skip vonKuske, Groovy Wallpaper, free GOODFOOT—Sonic Forum Open Mic, 8 pm, $1 HAWTHORNE THEATRE—The Treatment, American Bastard, Cellar Door”, 7 pm, $10-12 ISLAND MANA WINES—David & Goliath, 4 pm JADE LOUNGE—Scott Deams, 7 pm JIMMY MAK’S—Dan Balmer, 8 pm, free ★ THE KNOW—Tenement, Big Eyes, Crypties, DJ J-One Ill LANGANO LOUNGE—DJ Bar Hopper, 9 pm LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—Portland Country Underground, 6 pm, free; Kung Pao Chickens, 9 pm, free ★ LOLA’S ROOM—The Moondoggies, 7 pm, free MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB—Mr. Ben, 5 pm, all ages MUDDY RUDDER—Lloyd Jones, 8 pm PIONEER COURTHOUSE SQUARE—Timmy Curran, noon, free, all ages QUIMBY’S AT 19TH—Soul Mates, 9 pm ROCK BOTTOM BREWERY—Mt. Air Studios, 10 pm ★ ROSELAND—The Cult, Murder of Crows, 8 pm SLABTOWN—Bleating Hearts, Pony Village, 9 pm TIGER BAR—Metal Machine, 9 pm, $2 VALENTINE’S—Daoud Tyler-Ameen, Dibson, Paul Shut WHITE EAGLE—Early Hours, 8:30 pm, free

TUESDAY 8/21 AL’S DEN—Yards, 8 pm, free ANDINA—Neftali Rivera, 7 pm, free ASH STREET SALOON—The Want Ads, Amy Bleu, Aux 78, 9:15 pm, $4 BLUE DIAMOND—Sportin’ Lifers, 9 pm BLUE MONK—Pagan Jug Band, 6:30 pm, free BUFFALO GAP—Open Mic: Scott Gallegos, 9 pm, free ★ BUNK BAR—Tiger House, Pictorials, 9 pm, $3 CAMELLIA LOUNGE—Tom Wakeling, Steve Christofferson, 8 pm, $6 ★ DOUG FIR—Three Mile Pilot, Dramady”, 9 pm, $15-18 DUFF’S GARAGE—Trio Bravo, 6 pm, $2; Dover Weinberg Quartet, 9 pm, $2 EDGEFIELD—Stringed Migration, 7 pm, free, all ages THE ELIXIR LAB—Johnny D’s Community Jam, 7 pm ELLA STREET SOCIAL CLUB—Sue Scrofa, Ashe Blonde, Kite Sun Kid, 9 pm, $5 GOODFOOT—Radula, 9 pm, free HAWTHORNE THEATRE LOUNGE—John Brown Project, 6 pm, free IVORIES JAZZ LOUNGE AND RESTAURANT—Tom D’Antoni, 4:30 pm; Jazz Jam: Carey Campbell, 7 pm JADE LOUNGE—Siren Sessions: Margaret Wehr, 7 pm KENTON PARK—Sarah Moon & The Night Sky, 6:30 pm, free, all ages ★ THE KNOW—Bi Marks, Brain Tumors, Organized Sports, 8 pm LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—Jackstraw, 6 pm, free; The Future is Unwritten: A Tribute to Joe Strummer, 9 pm LVS—Ron Steen’s Jazz Jam, 8:30 pm

28 Portland Mercury August 16, 2012

MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB—Biscuits & Gravy, 6 pm

★ MISSISSIPPI STUDIOS—Eleni Mandell, David Dondero, 9 pm, $8-10 MT. TABOR THEATER—Open Mic Night: Simon Tucker, 8 pm, free MUSIC MILLENNIUM—Kelly Joe Phelps, 6 pm, free, all ages O’CONNORS VAULT—Linda Lee Michelet, 7 pm, $5 PLAN B—Sluagh, Same Sex Dictator, Worthless Eaters QUIMBY’S AT 19TH—Tom Grant, 8:30 pm, free RED & BLACK CAFE—Little Red Album Vol. 1 Release Party: Mark Savage, Michael Ford, Over Creston, 7 pm, free ROCK BOTTOM BREWERY—Brothers ’n’ Laws, 9 pm ROSELAND—Big & Rich, 9 pm SHAKER AND VINE—Arthur Moore’s Harmonica Party SLABTOWN—Atlas & the Astronaut, Sea of Misinformation, Brain Capital, 9 pm, $4 SLIM’S—Open Mic, 9 pm, free TASTE ON 23RD—Brandstson Duo, 6:30 pm, free TED’S—Kristoff Krane, The Illusionists, Zac HB, DMLH, Eminent, 9 pm, $7 THIRSTY LION—Eric John Kaiser”, 9 pm TIGER BAR—AC Lov Ring, 9 pm, $3 TONIC LOUNGE—Tyrants, Lunge, White Walls, 9 pm VALENTINE’S—Dan Sasaki, A White Hunter, Sad Horse VINO VIXENS—Arthur Moore’s Harmonica Party, 6 pm WHITE EAGLE—Amaya Villazan, Rachael Rice, AnnaLisa, Cassie Skauge, 7:30 pm, free

WEDNESDAY 8/22 ALBERTA STREET PUBLIC HOUSE—Suck My Open Mic w/Tamara J. Brown, 7:30 pm, free AL’S DEN—Yards, 8 pm, free ANDINA—Toshi Onizuka, 7 pm, free ASH STREET SALOON—Antique Scream, Alabama Black Snake, 9:30 pm, $5 BIDDY MCGRAW’S—Henry Hill Kammerer, 9 pm BLUE DIAMOND—The Fenix Project, 9 pm BUFFALO GAP—Ode Claire & Gabe, 9 pm, free CAMELLIA LOUNGE—Tidelands, 8 pm; The Goods Jazz Jam: Errick Lewis & the Regiment House Band, 8:30 pm ★ CRYSTAL BALLROOM—Love Songs for Lamps: Calvin Johnson, Broken Water, Shana Cleveland & the Sandcastles, Happy Noose, Laura Leif & A.P.B., The Shivas”, The Memories, Skrill Meadow, White Rainbow, Tomorrow’s Tulips, Katie & The Lichen, 7 pm, $8-10, all ages DEPOKOS PIZZA—Open Mic, 8 pm, all ages ★ DOUG FIR—The Lower 48, Oh Darling, Sean Spellman DUFF’S GARAGE—High Flyers, 6 pm, $2; Suburban Slim’s Blues Jam: Suburban Slim, John Neish, Jeff Strawbridge, 9 pm EAST BURN—Irish Music Jam, 7 pm EAST END—Neighbors, Westward, Lancaster, 9 pm ★ EDGEFIELD—ZZ Top, Nashville Pussy, 6:30 pm, $49-79, all ages; Marty Marquis, Evan Way, 7 pm, free ★ ELLA STREET SOCIAL CLUB—WL, Palm Reader, The Myonics, 9 pm, $5 EUGENIO’S—Open Mic, 6:30 pm FIRE ON THE MOUNTAIN—Kory Quinn, 9:30 pm GOOD NEIGHBOR PIZZERIA—Open Mic GOODFOOT—Funk Ark, 9 pm, $8 ★ HAWTHORNE THEATRE—Kool AD, Fat Tony, Chicharones, Vinnie Dewayne, 7 pm, $12-14, all ages HEATHMAN—Shirley Nanette, 7 pm, free ★ HOLOCENE—Incredible Yacht Control, Béisbol, Charts, Sleepy Villain, 8:30 pm, $5 ISLAND MANA WINES—David & Goliath, 4 pm IVORIES JAZZ LOUNGE AND RESTAURANT—Tom D’Antoni, 4:30 pm JADE LOUNGE—Rob Johnston, 7 pm JIMMY MAK’S—Karrin Allyson Quartet, Dan Balmer, Todd Strait, 8 pm, $14-17; Mel Brown Quartet, 8 pm, $5 KELLY’S OLYMPIAN—Egg Plant, The Crenshaw, SS Curmudgeon, 9 pm, $5 KENTON CLUB—Dusty Santamaria’s Singing Knives, Funeral & Twilight, Ghostwriter, 9 pm, free THE KNOW—FNU Ronnies, Tyrants, Little Pilgrims, 8 pm LANDMARK SALOON—Jake Ray & The Cowdogs, 9:30 pm LANGANO LOUNGE—Dr. Know, 9 pm LAURELTHIRST PUBLIC HOUSE—Quick & Easy Boys, 6 pm; Colin Gilmore, Russell Bartlett, 9 pm, free MISSISSIPPI PIZZA PUB—Mr. Hoo, Wed, noon, all ages; Sam Cooper, 9:30 pm O’CONNORS VAULT—Jon Koonce & One More Mile PARKLANE PARK—Lisa & Her Kin, 6:30 pm, free, all ages PLAN B—Krystos, Gladius, American Roulette”, 8 pm PORTLAND CENTER FOR THE PERFORMING ARTS—Music on Main Street: The Twangshifters, 5 pm, free, all ages THE PRESS CLUB—Inspirational Beets, 8 pm RED ROOM—Open Mic, 9 pm ROCK BOTTOM BREWERY—Jordan Harris, 9 pm SUNDOWN PUB—SongWrecker Cabaret, 9 pm TRADER VIC’S—Xavier Tavera’s Chamber Orchestra from Cuba, 6 pm VALENTINE’S—Glass Knees, 9 pm VIE DE BOHEME—Linda Lee Michelet ★ WHITE EAGLE—Monoplane, Pinehurst Kids, free WILF’S—Ron Steen Trio, 7:30 pm, $7


DJ LISTINGS THURSDAY 8/16 BEECH ST. PARLOR—DJ Maxamillion CC SLAUGHTERS—Hiphop Heaven: DJ Alex Hollywood, 9 pm, free CROWN ROOM—Counter Culture, 10 pm, free THE EMBERS AVENUE—Request Night: DJ Jens FEZ—Shadowplay: DJ Horrid, DJ Ghoulunatic, DJ Paradox, 9 pm, free GROUND KONTROL—\Joystick/: DarkCloud, 10 pm JONES—New Jack Swing: Doc Adam, 10 pm, $5 LANGANO LOUNGE—DJ Peter Gunn, 9 pm THE LOVECRAFT—Synthicide: Tom Jones, Erica Jones, Jared White, Luke Buser, 9 pm LUCKY DEVIL—DJ Panty Droppa, free MOLOKO PLUS—DJ Maxamillion, 10 pm; King Tim 33.3, Discus Noir, 10 pm, free NICK’S FAMOUS CONEY ISLAND—Eye Candy: VJ Norto, The Phantom Hillbilly, 9 pm, free SANTA FE TAQUERIA—Salsa Social SOS: DJ Armando, SAUCEBOX—Evan Alexander SOMEDAY LOUNGE—Happy Hour: Mr. Romo, DJ Michael Grimes, 4 pm; Mixer: D-Rock, Iriekenzo, Snackmaster DJ, Instigatah, Mr. Romo, 9 pm TIGA—DJ Sweet Relish TUBE—Sethro Tull, 7 pm VAULT—Jams: DJ 60/40 WORKSHOP PUB—Phonographix Video DJs, 9 pm ★ YES AND NO—Pussy Control Prince Night: Black Dog, Nathan Detroit, 10 pm, free

FRIDAY 8/17 AL’S DEN—DJ Hwy 7, 10:30 pm, free BEECH ST. PARLOR—DJ Maxx Bass BERBATI’S—Mezzi, 10 pm, free BEULAHLAND—DJ Nik Fury, 9 pm BLITZ 21—DJ Sovern-T, 9 pm, free CC SLAUGHTERS—Filthy Fridays: DJ Robb, 9 pm, free CROWN ROOM—Blast Friday: 5kin & Bone5, Exodub, Spekt 1, Tiger Fresh, 10 pm, $5 CRYSTAL BALLROOM—’80s Video Dance Attack: VJ Kittyrox, 8 pm, $6 ★ DEVILS POINT—DJ Kenoy, 9 pm, free ELEMENT—Chris Alice, 9 pm THE EMBERS AVENUE—On the Avenue: DJ Jens, 9 pm FEZ—Shut Up & Dance: DJ Gregarious, 10 pm, $5 GOODFOOT—Soul Stew: DJ Aquaman” GROOVE SUITE—Trifecta: Ernest Ryan, DJ Wiggles, 10 pm GROUND KONTROL—DJ MT, DJ Raw, 9 pm, $2 HOLOCENE—DJ Zack, 5 pm, free JACK LONDON BAR AT THE RIALTO—DJ Jason Catalyst, 10 pm, free JONES—Back to the Future Fridays: DJ Zimmie, 8 pm, $5 LANGANO LOUNGE—Dr. Peepers, 9 pm LOLA’S ROOM—’80s Video Dance Attack: VJ Kittyrox, 8 pm, $6 LUCKY DEVIL—DJ Joe, free MATADOR—Infamous: DJ Rattooth, DJ Makeout, 10 pm, free MOTHERS VELVET LOUNGE CAFE—Mr. Mumu ROTTURE—BMP/GRND: DJ Kasio Smashio, DJ Rhienna, 9 pm, $5 SOMEDAY LOUNGE—Filmistan: DJ Anjali & The Incredible Kid, 9 pm, $5 STAR BAR—Blank Fridays: DJ Ikon, 10 pm, free TIGA—DJ Nate C TRIPLE NICKEL—Theronious Chunk, Kut Throat, 10 pm, free TUBE—Neil Blender, 7 pm VALENTINE’S—Atmospheric Audio, 9 pm THE WHISKEY BAR—Fine Results: Richie Stax, Heatesca, 10 pm, $5; Kyau & Albert, 10 pm

SATURDAY 8/18 AL’S DEN—DJ AM Gold, 10:30 pm, free AURA—Twice as Nice: DJ TJ, A Train, Tandem, 10 pm, $10 BEECH ST. PARLOR—DJ Morganixx BERBATI’S—Music for the Masses: King Fader, 10 pm, free BEULAHLAND—DJ Just Dave, 9 pm BLUE MONK—Steppin’ Out: DJ OG-1, 9 pm, $5 CC SLAUGHTERS—House of Hollywood: DJ Alex Hollywood, 9 pm, free CROWN ROOM—Club Crooks: DJ Izm, Easter Egg, 9 pm, $5 CRUZROOM—DJ Edgar Hoover DEVILS POINT—DJ Brooks, 9 pm, free THE EMBERS AVENUE—Portland Tonight: DJ Jens, 9 pm FEZ—Twice as Nice: DJ TJ, A Train, Tandem, 10 pm, $10 FOGGY NOTION—Second Anniversary Party: DJ Gregarious, DJ Susie Cue, 9 pm, free GOLD DUST MERIDIAN—Clap Trap: DJ Gregarious, 10 pm, free

GREELEY AVE. BAR AND GRILL—Eye Candy: VJ Norto, The Phantom Hillbilly, 9 pm, free GROOVE SUITE—After Dark GROUND KONTROL—DJ I <3 U, DJ Avery, 9 pm, $2 ★ HOLOCENE—Gaycation: Gossip Cat, Bath House, Mr. Charming, 9 pm, $3 JACK LONDON BAR AT THE RIALTO—DJ Kryptic, 9 pm, free JONES—80s & 90s Dance Music, 10 pm, $5 THE LOVECRAFT—Cobra: DJ Stallone, 10 pm LUCKY DEVIL—DJ Kenoy, free MOLOKO PLUS—King Tim 33.3, Discus Noir, 10 pm MOTHERS VELVET LOUNGE CAFE—Mr. Mumu ★ STAR BAR—Go French Yourself: DJ Cecilia Paris, 10 pm, free TED’S—DJ Monique, 9 pm TIGA—DJ Hostile Tapeover TRIPLE NICKEL—Video Night Fever: DJ Stockholmz, 9:30 pm TUBE—Saturdazed: Josh Booze, 7 pm VALENTINE’S—DJ Dirty Hands, 9 pm

SUNDAY 8/19 AALTO LOUNGE—Whiskey Bitters, 9 pm, free ALLEYWAY CAFE & BAR—Country Music, 3 pm, free, all ages ★ BEULAHLAND—The Original Eye Candy Video Night: VJ Norto, The Phantom Hillbilly, 9 pm, free CC SLAUGHTERS—Superstar Divas, DJ Robb, 8 pmCRUSH—DJ Mikey, 10 am-2 pm DEVILS POINT—Stripparaoke: KJ Zero, 9 pm, free THE EMBERS AVENUE—Noches Latinas: DJ Marco, 9 pm THE LOVECRAFT—Black Church Metal Night, 10 pm LUCKY DEVIL—Ladies Night: DJ Mani, free TUBE—Dark Sundays: DJ Josh Dark, 10 pm

MONDAY 8/20 BEECH ST. PARLOR—DJ Syd Rock BLUE MONK—Deep Cuts, 8 pm CLUB 21—Witch Throne CROWN ROOM—Project Monday Mayhem: Filth, Kelien, Token, James Renegade, 9 pm GROUND KONTROL—Service Industrial: DJ Tibin, 9 pm KELLY’S OLYMPIAN—Eye Candy: VJ Norto, Phantom Hillbilly, 8 pm, free MATADOR—I Don’t Like Mondays: DJ Rhienna, DJF, 10 pm, free O’MALLEY’S SALOON & GRILL—Heavy Metal Monday: Bozyk, 9 pm STAR BAR—Metal Mondays: DJ Nefarious, 10 pm, free TIGA—Musique Plastique TUBE—DJ Matt Scaphism, 7 pm

ON SALE NOW antibalas Antibalas

TUESDAY 8/21 BEECH ST. PARLOR—DJ Both Josh CC SLAUGHTERS—DJ Robb, 9 pm, free CLUB 21—DJ Dirty Red CROWN ROOM—See You Next Tuesday: Kellan, DJ Avery, 9 pm, free ★ DEVILS POINT—DJ Kenoy, 9 pm, free EAST END—DJ Old Man Stares THE EMBERS AVENUE—Recycle: DJ Tibin, 9 pm, free GROUND KONTROL—Rock Band Tuesdays: MC T. Wrecks, 9 pm, free THE LOVECRAFT—Altered Beats, 9 pm; Death Club: DJ Entropy, 10 pm MATADOR—DJ Donny Don’t, 10 pm, free ROTTURE—Dancefloor Decadence: Nicky Click, Scream Club, SistaFist, 9 pm, $5 ★ SWIFT LOUNGE—Boogie Tuesday: Maxx Bass, Gwizski, Mikie Lixx TIGA—Dan Bryant TUBE—DJ Overcol, 7 pm; Tubesday, 10 pm

$12.95-cd/$16.95-lp

This energetic Afro-beat ensemble’s first release on Daptone records (Sharon Jones, Charles Bradley, Budos Band) adds some funk to the mix.

DeaD Can DanCe Anastasis

$11.95-cd

Lisa Gerrard and Brendan Perry return with their moody world music/goth-like signature sound. Vinyl due August 21.

Various artists

Just Tell Me That You Love Me $12.95-cd

Indie favorites like Best Coast, Bonnie Prince Billy, St Vincent, MGMT and The Kills cover all your favorite Fleetwood Mac tracks!

WEDNESDAY 8/22 AALTO LOUNGE—DJ Maxamillion BEECH ST. PARLOR—DJ Mattressland CC SLAUGHTERS—Trick: DJ Robb, 9 pm, free THE CONQUISTADOR—Put Your Head Out: DJ 60/40 THE EMBERS AVENUE—Gothic Industrial: DJ Jens, 9 pm JONES—Spin Sugar: Doc Adam, 10 pm, $5 LADD’S INN—DJ Kutthroat, 9:30 pm, free MOLOKO PLUS—King Tim 33.3, Discus Noir, 10 pm, free SAUCEBOX—DJ Nealie Neal STAR BAR—DJ Chris Crusher, 10 pm, free TED’S—World Music Dance Party: DJ Jason Catalyst, 10 pm TIGA—DJ Golden Wilson TIGER BAR—Juicy Wednesdays: DJ Detroit Diezel, 9 pm, $2; DJ Detroit Diezel, 9 pm TUBE—Loyd Depriest, 6 pm; DJ Creepy Crawl, 7 pm THE WHISKEY BAR—Whiskey Wednesdays: American Girls, 10 pm, free

Sale prices good thru 8/26/12

out tHis WeeK:

Yellowcard • Incubus • Nostalgia ‘77 • Quantic Soul Orchestra • 2 Chainz American Me • Fozzy • Charlie Mars • Kottonmouth Kings • Steve Vai • Slightly Stoopid

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DOWNTOWN • 1313 W. Burnside • 503.274.0961 EASTSIDE • 1931 NE Sandy Blvd. • 503.239.7610 BEAVERTON • 3290 SW Cedar Hills Blvd. • 503.350.0907 OPEN EVERYDAY AT 9 A.m. | www.EVERYDAYmusic.cOm August 16, 2012 Portland Mercury 29


CULTURE/ART/PDX

A Brilliant Novel in the Works by Yuvi Zalkow (MP Publishing) Reading at Powell’s City of Books, 1005 W Burnside, Thurs Aug 16, 7:30 pm

T

HE PROTAGONIST in Yuvi Zalkow’s debut novel is named Yuvi Zalkow. And the novel is called A Brilliant Novel in the Works. The book basically operates within those two conceits.

THEATER REVIEW

Continuum

CoHo Theater, 2257 NW Raleigh, 715-1114, ThursSat 8 pm, Sun 2 pm, through Sept 1, $20-25 (paywhat-you-will Thurs), cohoproductions.org

I

’VE NEVER ACTUALLY met a tortured genius, but if popular entertainment is to be believed, they’re everywhere—high-strung, tormented savants who solve complex equations before they

OUR PICKS OF THE WEEK

They’re deep conceits, the kind that have the potential to illuminate not only the art of fiction, but the real world that imitates it. They also offer endless opportunities for brilliant but ephemeral, self-referential and self-deprecating and self-aggrandizing and just plain self-ish cleverness. Yuvi Zalkow, at least the one in the novel, is a short, bald, impotent self-described neurotic Jew struggling to give his novel a coherent plot. (His attempts range from tangential memories of his father to escapist sci-fi stories.) His wife is supportive but frustrated, her brother is supportive but terminally ill, and Zalkow’s editor is largely unsupportive and keeps telling him to kill a character. A Brilliant Novel in the Works leans heavily on cleverness. The language has a unique way of tricking you into thinking something serious is funny, and vice versa. He can describe a worrisome S&M fetish in a hilarious deadpan voice and turn around to make a semi-sexual experience alone on horseback seem like a meaningful milestone. So yes, it’s a deliriously clever book that insists on playing games on every page. But the games, while fun, are a little predictable, and the rules too obvious. Zalkow keeps

saying outright what’s fiction and what’s metafiction. He never uses the term, but that abominable prefix—meta—hangs over the entire story. The idea of a story actively being written by its narrator is not new. Most readers can wrap their head around it with little coaching, yet Zalkow reminds us almost on every page that he is both author and protagonist. Metafiction on this level only achieves meaning through a subtle, dramatic irony. Yes, the smugness and confidence of a character writing his own story is immutable, but there must be yet another gap between that character and the author (and thereby, the reader). Unfortunately, in A Brilliant Novel the gaps between protagonist, narrator, and author seem all too small, and it lacks that crucial dramatic irony between the fictional Zalkow and the author Zalkow. Like the better Woody Allen comedies (an obvious touchstone for the novel), there is a tenderness to the love between Zalkow and his wife that repeatedly reminds you that there’s an actual story with real characters here, it’s just too often buried under the elaborate structure of the novel. THOMAS ROSS

can talk and compose violin sonatas in their spare time. Oh, and usually they could use a haircut. Playwright Patrick Wohlmut’s Continuum focuses on not one, but two such boy wonders: math whiz Craig (Matthew Dieckman) and science genius Peter (Robert McGranahan). Peter is a professor whose once-promising career has been derailed by his pet theory that Jupiter isn’t really a planet; Craig is a brilliant, possibly crazy fraudster who dupes his victims by posing as a harmless homeless guy. The story cuts between the prison cell where Craig is being held and flashback sequences describing the relationship between the two men, as Craig insinuates himself into Peter’s life, begins collaborating on his Jupiter theory, and eventually steals his research funds. This is half good premise, half bad premise: A mathematician and an astronomer working together on a problem is metaphorically interesting, full of dramatic potential, and it’s easy to see how areas of professional overlap might be paralleled by personal synchronicities. The posing as a crazy homeless guy part? Not so great. Craig’s scheming is overly complicated, and

Wohlmut works too hard to highlight similarities between the two characters. Both were raised by single, abusive fathers; both allowed their fathers to define their careers, albeit in slightly different ways. In each case, the abuse backstory feels like a shortcut to character development, and it forces a too-literal parallel between two men who already have plenty in common. Fortunately, director Stan Foote (full disclosure: Foote is my boyfriend’s boss at Oregon Children’s Theatre) snagged Matthew Dieckman to play Craig; Dieckman’s performance is absolutely great, finding humor in a role that offers precious little of it, and playing his character’s manic episodes with relative restraint. Continuum is interested in how a faulty premise can derail a career and how a faulty childhood can derail a life. The show has moments of real tenderness, as Craig slowly begins to wrap his head around the possibility of caring for another person, and being cared for in return. But the threads that work are jumbled together with some real clunkers, and the show’s emotional core is obscured by needless complexity, adding complication without adding depth. ALISON HALLETT

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BOOK REVIEW

ARTCHART

Mortified—Another installment of the schadenfreude-fueled storytelling phenomenon. Mission Theater, 1624 NW Glisan, Thurs Aug 16-Fri Aug 17, 8 pm, $12-15, getmortified.com 8 Bit Grammar: A Flash Grammar Anthology—A release party and reading for a book that takes basic grammar and turns it into a game with achievements like “Write a 100-word run-on sentence that someone can read without stumbling.” Ground Kontrol, 511 NW Couch, Fri Aug 17, 3:30 pm, free The Great Mistakes Tour—Stand-up from recent Helium headliner Kyle Kinane, Ian Karmel, Bryan Cook, and special guest Barbara Holm. Brody Theater, 16 NW Broadway, Fri Aug 17, 8 pm, $10, brodytheater.com Misfit—Tin House presents Adam Braver, author of Misfit, a book about Marilyn Monroe, plus a screening of Arthur Miller’s classic film The Misfits. Hollywood Theatre, 4122 NE Sandy, Sun Aug 19, 2 pm, $15, hollywoodtheatre.org Kick Ass Oregon History: Shanghaied in Portland—A live version of the brilliant podcast, discussing why Portland was shanghai central, who facilitated it, and whether or not the Shanghai Tunnels are bullshit. Jack London Bar, 529 SW 4th, Tues Aug 21, 7:30 pm, free, orhistory.com PO RTLAN D M E RCU RY.CO M HAS A COMPLETE CALENDAR OF ARTS EVENTS

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ARTSCALENDAR

READINGS

WEDNESDAY 8/22 AMANDA HOCKING

A Different Kind of Normal is a story about family, forgiveness, and loving someone enough to let them be true to themselves. Aww. Powell’s Books at Cedar Hills Crossing, 3415 SW Cedar Hills, Beaverton, 228-4651, 7 pm

Wake is the first in a new series about life in a quiet seaside town, disrupted by three beautiful girls who cast a spell on everyone. Gemma Fisher wakes up one day alone, on a beach, possessing a host of new powers she can’t control or understand. Powell’s City of Books, 1005 W Burnside, 228-4651, 7:30 pm

FRIDAY 8/17

THEATER

THURSDAY 8/16 CATHY LAMB

★NAKED GIRLS READING See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 15 Blue Monk, 3341 SE Belmont, 595-0575, 10:30 pm

SATURDAY 8/18 LETTERPRESS DAY

A daylong tour of IPRC’s letterpress studio, featuring demos of the equipment, and opportunities to sign up for workshops and purchase equipment of your own. Independent Publishing Resource Center (IPRC), 917 SW Oak #218, 827-0429, noon

BUKOWKSI’S BIRTHDAY Fleur de Lethal presents a night of revelry for one of the literary world’s most beloved grumpy drunks, including readings of his writings and ravings, and a screening of Barfly. Hollywood Theatre, 4122 NE Sandy, 281-4215, 7 pm, $7

LIVE WIRE! A WAVE OF LIGHT The second annual benefit show to keep Live Wire! sparking on public radio, hosted by Courtenay Hameister, with performances from the Blue Cranes, LoveBomb Go-Go, the Doubleclicks, comedy from the team behind Spicy News, and sketch comedy from Faces for Radio Theater. Food by Lardo and Cupcake Jones. Rejuvenation, 1100 SE Grand, 238-1900, Thurs Aug 16, 6 pm, $25

★TREK IN THE PARK Atomic Arts presents the fourth installment of their annual celebration of Star Trek, adapting the Original Series episode “Journey to Babel,” concerning Spock’s reunion with his parents amid the turmoil that arises from a political assassination on the Enterprise. Cathedral Park, N Edison & Pittsburg, Sat-Sun 5 pm, through Aug 26

MONDAY 8/20

CABARET

The Black Rhinos of Namibia tells the story of an animal that lives off poisonous plants, goes for days without water, and was hunted almost to extinction before cutting-edge conservation stepped in to stop the slaughter. Powell’s City of Books, 1005 W Burnside, 228-4651, 7:30 pm

GEEKLESQUE: RE-RUNS

RICK BASS

Critical Hit Burlesque gives some past performances another turn of the cheek in this showcase of their most popular routines. Star Theater, 13 NW 6th, 248-4700, Fri Aug 17, 9 pm, $10

HELLZAPOPPIN: A SIDESHOW REVUE

SUMMER LOVIN’ GREASE TRIBUTE Miss Kennedy’s Cabaret presents a tribute to

A showcase of some of the most sought-after names in American bellydance, featuring performances from Rachel Brice, Unmata, Andalee, Gypsy Caravan, the Bollywood Project, Elena Villa, and more. Star Theater, 13 NW 6th, 2484700, Sat Aug 18, 8 pm, $30-40

COMEDY ★BRIAN POSEHN See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 15 Helium Comedy Club, 1510 SE 9th, 888-643-8669, Thurs Aug 16, 8 pm, Fri Aug 17, 7:30 & 10 pm and Sat Aug 18, 7:30 & 10 pm, $25-30

BROAD COMEDY Comedian Katie Goodman brings her politically savvy sketch comedy troupe to Portland, blending satire and music together. Alberta Rose Theatre, 3000 NE Alberta, 719-6055, Wed Aug 22, 8 pm

★COMPETITIVE EROTIC FAN FICTION See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 15 Brody Theater, 16 NW Broadway, 224-2227, Fri Aug 17, 10 pm, $10

DOWN AND DIRTY: A DARK COMEDY SHOWCASE Patrick Thomas Perkins returns to the Ash Street with a brand new squad of filthy stand-ups ready to unleash their darker stuff, featuring performances from Nathan Brannon, Manuel Hall, Dan Weber, Crystal Kordowski, Aaron Hays, and Andie J. Main. Ash Street Saloon, 225 SW Ash, 226-0430, Sun Aug 19, 9 pm, $5

★JON READS THE PAPER The one-year anniversary of comedian Jon Washington’s podcast, celebrated with a live taping of an episode featuring guests Danny Felts, Stephanie Purtle, Jessie McCoy, Kyle Harbert, Christian Ricketts, Whitney Streed, Gabe Dinger, and Ian Karmel. Tonic Lounge, 3100 NE Sandy, 238-0543, Wed Aug 22, 9:30 pm

An exhibition of artworks from Susie Ghahremani, creator of the Boygirlparty line of artwork and products, including drawings, paintings, and mixed media. Land, 3925 N Mississippi, 451-0689, through Sept 2

CUM IN YOUR EYE A photographic essay by artist Scott LaForce, completing a story that began as an examination of sexual dysfunction in suburban 21st century America. Cock Gallery, 625 NW Everett #106, through Sept 1

★DESIGN WITH THE OTHER 90%: CITIES The second installment of MOCC’s collaboration with Mercy Corps, focusing on craft and design solutions to rapid urban growth in informal settlements, including projects and products at every scale, focusing on designs informed by end users. Museum of Contemporary Craft, 724 NW Davis, 223-2654, Aug 17-Jan 5

FANFARE: THE ART OF SCIENCE FICTION AND FANTASY An exhibition of works from over 60 Portland artists, focused on fan-art derived from their favorite genre entertainments. Featuring art from renowned poster artist Alan Haynes. People’s Art of Portland at Pioneer Square Mall, 700 SW 5th, Suite 4005, Aug 18-Sept 9, 5 pm.

TERRAS DE PRETO An exhibition of 22 prints from photographer Ricardo Teles’ documentary project about the reinvention of African identity as expressed in Afro-Brazilian events and celebrations. Blue Sky Gallery, 122 NW 8th, 225-0210, through Sept 2

★VIVID VISIONS A seven-person group show featuring art by Buff Monster, Martin Ontiveros, Pinky, Oliver Hibert, Arbito, Grant Wiggins, and Spencer Hibert. Compound Gallery, 107 NW 5th, 796-2733, through Sept 2

For a complete calendar of arts events, see portlandmercury.com

Love my enemies!?

And When She Was Good is the story of Heloise, a suburban madam and convicted murderer who gets a second chance at a new life. Powell’s Books at Cedar Hills Crossing, 3415 SW Cedar Hills, Beaverton, 228-4651, 7 pm

Known as the greatest show in Hell, featuring Zamora the Torture King, sword swallower Maryanne Madgdelen, Mr. Buggles the Wonder Dog, and hosted by Bryce “The Govna” Graves. Dante’s, 1 SW 3rd, 226-6630, Sat Aug 18, 9 pm

JAMBALLAH NW SHOWCASE

CLEAR SKIES AND CLOUDY DAYS

LAURA LIPPMAN

DANCE

VISUAL ART

TUESDAY 8/21

the super-horny high school musical, except a little louder and with a lot less clothes, featuring performances by Angelique Devil, Esequiel Esquire, Infamous Nina Nightshade, Lana Louche, and Miss Kennedy herself. Hosted by Richie Stratton. Dante’s, 1 SW 3rd, 226-6630, Sun Aug 19, 8 pm, $10-12

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August 16, 2012 Portland Mercury 31


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WE GET THREE KINDS of press re- scallions—blew the needle off the dial in leases here in the food and drink offices of terms of deep, dark, tangy flavor. The many the Mercury. First are the revelatory an- $3 banh mi I tried elsewhere that day tastnouncements from Salty’s on the Columbia ed of perfunctory cardboard after the nom that Mother’s Day is, in fact, a great time pang-sighk. I’m not the first to note its qualto treat mom to a complimentary mimosa. ity: It was recently named one of the top 10 Second are the Food Network ones about ethnic sandwiches in Portland by prominent how diner tick Guy Fieri is now endorsing food magazine Mix. (I like to imagine that Proctor Silex or Torrid for Him, or some- the other nine were also this sandwich.) Char-grilled pork, chicken thigh, and thing. Last are the public service alerts that while I am sitting there reading my child galangal-flavored Cambodian beef and rice sausage (khwa ko) dishes are the is at school eating great scoops Sok Sab Bai mainstays of Sok Sab Bai’s menu, of “pink slime” from an oversized 1114 SE Clay with a regularly updated roster wooden spoon. So as you can 730-3333 imagine, a press release of actual twitter.com/soksabbai of noodle and meatball soups, grilled tofu, halibut, shrimp, local intrigue gets more than a little attention when it lands in the inbox. beef ribs, and more (their Facebook page, as of press time, shows 64 variations on (Hear that, cart owners?) Sok Sab Bai, which bills itself as Port- their electronic daily menu board, never land’s only Cambodian food cart, sent us identical). Sighk-chrook, or the pork chop one such release last week. “Introducing plate ($8), is two marinated thin-cut pork authentic and contemporary home-style chops grilled perfectly on the bone, right Cambodian comfort food,” it read, before down to the photogenic black hash marks running down a tragic history (the chef, and scored, charred fat rind. Served with Nyno Thol, escaped the killing fields for white rice, tamarind vinaigrette-dressed the Philippines at age two) and an inspir- organic greens, an assortment of pickles, ing tale of human perseverance (he later and a cup of the aforementioned fish sauce, attended Le Cordon Bleu College of Cu- it’s a beautiful and sizable meal for one. linary Arts and now has two restaurants, The sighk-moan ang, or chicken plate ($7, including Bara Sushi House). The included pounded and sliced marinated thigh), and photographs depicted colorful Indochine chef ’s plate ($10, chicken thigh and pork) soup and rice dishes, which look unsurpris- are presented the same way. Dressed at ingly akin to those of Cambodia’s French- the table with the house condiments of influenced peers, Vietnam and Thailand, spicy soy (with garlic, jalapeño, and onion) with vibrant colors and bountiful stacks of and pickled jalapeño in vinegar, the food is julienned aromatics. It gives a food enthusi- anything but monotonous. The chicken noodle soup ($7) is a beauast a special kind of “cred” to tirelessly hunt for obscure and far-flung Asian specialties, tifully plated large serving for one, with such as the snail soups and tripe porridges finely shredded white meat atop a generous which line 82nd, so an early visit to this curi- portion of tender, fettuccine-sized egg nooosity was a must. The very next day I nosed dles, fragrant with Chinese broccoli, green the import past their spacious lot, and saw onion, and cilantro. The side seasonings of promising, billowing clouds of smoke flow- fried garlic, hot chile oil, and black pepper ing from the roof fans like steam from the enliven this mild soup and its light, slightly slick chicken broth. A stir-fry of tofu ($7) ears of a vengeful elephant. As I was beginning a banh mi crawl that with fresh ginger and vegetables is a menu day, I had the nom pang-sighk, or Cam- standard for vegetarians. I predict it will not be long before this bodian sandwich ($5), which is an almost identical analog to that popular Vietnamese cart, located behind the Hawthorne Burgeritem. The crunchy-yet-pillowy fresh white ville and a stone’s throw from the pod at SE roll held a generous but not messy serving 12th, joins the ranks of the Nongs, Whiffies, of moist, rich braised pork, and featured and Pyros of Portland lore. Go now, before distinctive spears of fresh pickle and jala- that inevitable Portland phenomenon rears peño along with cilantro, carrot, and onion up: the hour-long line. (I ordered mine hot when given the option, which meant more spears of jalapeño). A Mon-Wed 11 am–2:30 pm, Thurs-Fri 11 healthy dose of their fish sauce—which is am-7 pm or until sold out. Outdoor and anything but fishy for its balancing lime, covered private seating. Check Twitter or sugar, tomato, Thai chiles, cilantro, and Facebook for daily menu updates.

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August 16, 2012 Portland Mercury 33


34 Portland Mercury August 16, 2012


FILM

Chopra for Kids

Lardass, Acne, and Hook Nose. It’s meant to be funny, but it just comes off as mean and unpleasant. ParaNorman’s level of craftsmanship is incredible—and a thing to behold, at least for a little while—but between a dull story, unpleasant characters, and jokes that don’t work, you’re better off just watching a behind-thescenes featurette.

Even LAIKA Can’t Save ParaNorman by Vince Mancini

STOP ME if you’ve heard this one before: of the best uses of 3D. The stop-motion fair and had a caricaturist play up his worst There’s this little kid, and he can see dead practical effects (kind of like Fantastic Mr. features as a cruel prank. They’re like a Fox) are so texturally varied— tragic take on the seven dwarves—Lumpy, people. Now, I know what ParaNorman compared to the condom sculp- Gap Tooth, Chicken Neck, Shovel Face, you’re thinking: “This kid, dirs. Chris Butler, Sam Fell tures you get he’s probably well adjusted Opens Fri Aug 17 with CG—that and super popular with his Various Theaters the depth gives peers, am I right? A hit with you a fuller tactile appreciaall the ladies?” No! Believe it or not, he’s kind of an tion for the homemade-ness outcast! A social pariah, even! Okay, now I of it all. “Whoa, how’d they do don’t want to spoil anything, but the twist? that? How’d they do THAT?!” This social handicap of his might turn out you’ll say. But once that wears to save the day. Sounds crazy, right? I off, there isn’t much else. A couple characters, like Neil know, but it’s true! That, unfortunately, is the recycling- (voiced by Tucker Albrizzi), bin plot the talented animators at LAIKA the chubby best friend of have saddled themselves with on Para- main character Norman Norman. It doesn’t get any better in the (Kodi Smit-McPhee), and the telling, and probably gets worse, with a burnout Alvin (Christopher story involving a town cursed by a little Mintz-Plasse), are endeargirl who was burned as a witch (yeesh, ing and nicely rendered, but dark much?) and a climax so drawn out the main difference between and touchy-feely-talky that it plays like this and LAIKA’s Coraline Chopra for kids. It’s a shame, because the is that ParaNorman’s charanimation is so finely crafted and obvious- acter design is ugly in a way ly painstaking that not loving it makes you that almost feels disdainful. The characters all look like if feel like a real poopface. Certainly this kind of animation is one you took an ugly friend to the PARANORMAN Oh, c’mon. This week’s Breaking Bad wasn’t THAT surprising.

History Is Written by the Losers

FILM

Dark Horse: Todd Solondz’s Latest Misfit by David Schmader

dreamscapes, tellingly, look pretty much like real life). The whole thing builds to a quietly amazing fi nal shot that recasts the whole of what we’ve spent the last 80 minutes watching. We’re left with the possibility that much of what we call life is merely illusion borne of randomly overlapping solipsisms. It’s a good, smart trip.

But before long, Dark Horse spins out THROUGHOUT HIS SLOW-BOIL of a with toys. But unlike The 40-Year-Old Vircareer, fi lmmaker Todd Solondz has made gin’s bike-riding man-child, Abe drives a of even Abe’s narcissistic control, opening champions, or at least protagonists, out neon-yellow Hummer, says things like “I up to bold splashes of fantasy (Solondz’s know I’m a great kisser,” and, of society’s outcasts. But unDark Horse when a beautiful and mystelike Judd Apatow’s endearing dir. Todd Solondz rious young woman (Selma dorks, Solondz’s losers are Opens Fri Aug 17 Blair) crosses his path, has no often the opposite of lovable. Living Room Theaters qualms about courting her, im(See Happiness’s predatory pedophile.) Even Welcome to the Doll- mediately and aggressively. The pathetic Abe’s towering self-posshouse’s Dawn Weiner, Solondz’s most pathetic and beloved character, was forced to ession drives Dark Horse’s good and squirmy fi rst half, wherein our repellant reveal a repugnant dark side. In his new Dark Horse, Solondz tracks hero rages at the world like an overtired what might be his most beguiling freak 8-year-old, with every other out-breath yet. Abe (Jordan Gelber) is a balding, some variation of “It’s not fair!” Gelber’s overweight thirtysomething man who performance as Abe is a marvel, a fulllives with his parents in his childhood blooded, seemingly spontaneous embodihome, in a bedroom packed floor to ceiling ment of a singularly clueless jerk. DARK HORSE Selma Blair remembers when love scenes involved Ryan Phillippe.

The Man Behind the Shades

FILM

Searching for Sugar Man’s Rodriguez by Ned Lannamann THE “SUGAR MAN” in Searching has amassed a huge following over the defor Sugar Man is the Detroit singer/ cades—and where nobody knows a thing about the mysterious man besongwriter who went under Searching for hind the records. Rumors cirthe name Rodriguez. He reSugar Man culate that Rodriguez, disilluleased two obscure albums dir. Malik Bendjelloul sioned by the lack of response of introspective, Dylanesque Opens Fri Aug 17 to his music, committed suicide agitprop-lite in 1970 and 1971, Fox Tower 10 by setting himself on fi re durthen promptly vanished off the face of the earth. Documentary fi lmmaker ing a show in the early ’70s. His songs Malik Bendjelloul picks up the thread in become a voice of dissent during South South Africa, where Rodriguez’s music Africa’s ugly apartheid years; Rodriguez

himself becomes a cult figure and a folk hero, selling hundreds of thousands of albums in the process. If this is the fi rst you’ve heard of Rodriguez, you might choose to stop reading here, because the twist that Searching for Sugar Man reveals—while not a surprise to anyone who’s picked up the recent reissues of his albums on the Seattle-based Light in the Attic label—is handled brilliantly in the fi lm. Even if you do know

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what happened next, Sugar Man is still one of the most intriguing and satisfying music documentaries in a good while. SO, SPOILERS: Turns out Rodriguez is alive and well, living close to poverty as a contractor in Detroit, completely unaware of his massive audience halfway around the globe. (The interview with Clarence Avant, the head of Rodriguez’s label and supposedly the administrator of his royalties, is fascinating and damning.) Expect Searching for Sugar Man to do for Rodriguez what Anvil: The Story of Anvil did for that Canadian metal band—except that more of the fans Rodriguez acquires through this excellent film are bound to stick. August 16, 2012 Portland Mercury 35


★★★★ (HIGHEST RATING!)

Claudia Puig, USA TODAY • Roger Ebert, CHICAGO SUN-TIMES Stephen Rea, PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER • SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE

“HUGELY APPEALING.” -Manohla Dargis

“SEE THIS MOVIE! LEAVES YOU JOYOUS AND MOVED.” -Marshall Fine, HUFFINGTON POST

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In Theaters Friday, August 17 ! 36 Portland Mercury August 16, 2012

THE PORTLAND MERCURY


FILM SHORTS

THE EXPENDABLES 2 ★ BACK TO THE FUTURE “No McFly ever amounted to anything in the history of Hill Valley!” Burnside Brewing Co.

BARFLY Readings by local writers and rare footage of Charles Bukowski precede a screening of Barfly, the 1987 flick written by Bukowski and starring Mickey Rourke as Bukowski’s thinly-veiled alter ego, Henry Chinaski. For more info, see Books, pg. 31. Hollywood Theatre.

★ BEASTS OF THE SOUTHERN WILD I’ll let you in on a secret: Writing negative reviews is pretty easy. Every doofy plot twist and bungled CG jumpkick pulls you out of the moviegoing experience, allowing you plenty of time to compose elaborately mean puns for your headline. It’s harder to review a movie when it succeeds—and I mean really succeeds, in that it draws you in completely. The surreal, fantastic Beasts of the Southern Wild is that kind of movie: You may leave the theater conflicted and even confused, but you won’t be thinking about anything else while you’re watching it. BEN COLEMAN Cinema 21.

THE BOURNE LEGACY

Stupidity of the term aside, it’s easiest to describe The Bourne Legacy as a “sidequel” to the Bourne flicks that starred Matt Damon: Legacy occurs during roughly the same timeframe, but thanks to Bourne’s shenanigans, the government’s decided to wipe out all of its experimental soldiers, including Aaron Cross (Jeremy Renner). Plus, Cross is running out of the meds that keep him all smart and tough—meaning that unless he and Dr. Marta Shearing (Rachel Weisz) can get him more pills, he’ll go all Flowers for Algernon. Crammed full of technobabble and superfluous plot (“Blackbriar!” “Treadstone!” “BETA TEST GROUP C, ALPHA CODE TANGO!”), Legacy makes as much sense as all the other Bournes, which is to say none. But Renner’s a solid action hero—angry and driven—while director Tony Gilroy, who wrote the Damon Bournes before directing the excellent Michael Clayton, continues the series’ blurry, spastic action. ERIK HENRIKSEN Various Theaters.

★ THE CAMPAIGN Will Ferrell stars as Cam Brady, a four-term Congressman from North Carolina who is running unopposed for reelection—even when he accidentally leaves a wholesome family a dirty voicemail about rimjobs, he’s got no fear of losing. Enter Marty Huggins (Zach Galifianakis), the local director of tourism who gets backed by an evil corporation in order to take Brady’s seat. Though it pains me, I will politely refrain from telling you much more about where the story goes, because the jaw-droppingly horrible twists and turns are what make The Campaign so fun. But I will say this—you know that part in the trailer where Will Ferrell punches a baby? He punches something way worse than that later in the movie. Think of something worse to punch than a baby! ELINOR JONES Various Theaters. ★ DARK HORSE See review this issue. Living Room Theaters.

★ LAURA An inspiration for Twin Peaks, Otto Preminger’s 1944 noir Laura is a classic whodunit, but one where what was done becomes less and less clear. Dana Andrews plays a detective who falls in love with the socialite (Gene Tierney) whose murder he’s supposed to be solving. The film is famous for David Raksin’s haunting score, but it’s Tierney’s nervous, vulnerable performance that really sells it. JAMIE S. RICH Fifth Avenue Cinema.

THE MISFITS

See Books, pg. 31. Hollywood Theatre.

★ MOONRISE KINGDOM Wes Anderson, god bless him, just keeps making Wes Anderson movies. Moonrise Kingdom is mannered, precious, nostalgic, and twee—and about as good a movie about childhood as an adult is capable of making. ALISON HALLETT Various Theaters.

NOBODY ELSE BUT YOU French director Gérald Hustache-Mathieu’s “offbeat mystery.” Clinton Street Theater.

THE ODD LIFE OF TIMOTHY GREEN A Disney family flick about a little kid with leaves on his legs who appears magically out of some dirt. Eat it up, hippies! Various Theaters.

PARANORMAN

See review this issue. Various Theaters.

PATANG An Indian drama set against the backdrop of India’s largest kite festival. Clinton Street Theater.

★ THE PRIZE Paula Markovitch’s haunting film documents the life of seven-year-old Cici (Paula Galinelli Hertzog) and her mother Lucía (Laura Agorreca) as they hide from a police state in Argentina. Hertzog’s performance is irresistible, and though the film moves at an awkward pace, it makes up for it in heart-wrenching detail. Screens as part of the Northwest Film Center’s Global Lens series, along with Mourning and Pegasus. More info: nwfilmorg. ZIBBY PILLOTE Northwest Film Center’s Whitsell Auditorium.

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★ PROJECT YOUTH DOCS See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 15. Hollywood Theatre. ★ SEARCHING FOR SUGAR MAN See review this issue. Fox Tower 10.

SPARKLE Whitney Houston in a musical drama. Hit portlandmercury. com on Friday, August 17 for our review. Various Theaters.

UNION SQUARE A drama about two sisters, starring Mira Sorvino. Oh, she’s still working! Good for her. Living Room Theaters.

WE ARE THE HARTMANS

★ DRUGSTORE COWBOY “There’s nothing more life-affirming than getting the shit kicked outta ya.” Hotel deLuxe.

“Eccentric musicians, drunks, and drag queens” mount a rebellion when a small town hangout threatens to go out of business. Director in attendance. Clinton Street Theater.

THE EXPENDABLES 2

YELLOW SUBMARINE

Wait, so you’re telling me Lions Gate Entertainment refused to screen this film for critics? My, what a shocking surprise. Various Theaters.

Portland’s Historic non-Profit tHeatre

TIN HOUSE PrESENTS ARTHUR MILLER’S

THE MISFITS WiTh adaM BravE BooK SigNiNg! SUNDAY AUGUST 19 · 2:00pm

Nope, officer. No drugs here. Bagdad Theater.

FILMUSIK

Fritz Lang’s Metropolis, with a live score by Boston band Bent Knee. Hollywood Theatre.

HOPE SPRINGS A creaky old couple (Meryl Streep, Tommy Lee Jones) decide to undergo a week of counseling with a renowned therapist (Steve Carrell). Your mom is going to love this thing. Various Theaters.

★ KUNG FU THEATER Old-school kung fu on 35 mm! Up this week: The Bastard Swordsman. Hollywood Theatre.

★ MEANS WE RECOMMEND IT. THEATER LOCATIONS ARE ACCURATE FRIDAY AUGUST 17-THURSDAY AUGUST 23,

KUNG FU THEATER PrESENTS ThE oNly KNoWN 35mm PriNT oF

BASTARD SWORDSMAN T U E S DAY AU G U S T 21 · 7: 3 0 p m

See the Mercury movie section for showtimes, and visit our NEW website

w w w .H o l l y

w o o d T H e a T r e . org

UNLESS OTHERWISE NOTED. FILM TIMES AND SHORTS ARE ALSO AVAILABLE AT PORTLANDMERCURY.COM.

August 16, 2012 Portland Mercury 37


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SAVAGE LOVE

It Began with Tegan by Dan Savage I’ve been confused about my sexuality for two years. I am a 22-year-old female. I liked guys when I was in school, but then, in perhaps the most stereotypical of fashions, I developed a HUGE crush on Tegan and Sara when I was nearly 20. I like the idea of being with women, but I have never had a major crush on anyone since. So I’m really confused over what my sexual orientation actually is. I know many hetero-identifying people experience same-sex crushes, but can someone’s whole sexual orientation just change overnight? My confusion is compounded by the fact that I’ve never even held someone’s hand, been kissed, or done anything else. I really want to experience such things, have an awesome relationship, and generally just stop feeling like a complete loser. Any help appreciated! Awfully Nervous Over Newness “When I was young, I dated boys,” said Tegan Quin, one half of the popular indie duo that prompted you to question your sexuality. “I never thought about love or being ‘in love.’ And I never thought about sexuality. I was lucky to have a group of friends much more interested in each other than dating. And so I was fairly untroubled about my status. Until I kissed a girl. Then I knew who I really was. I was gay.” Oh, hey, I hope you don’t mind that I shared your letter with Tegan and Sara, ANON. I figured you might appreciate getting advice directly from your life-altering crush. “I’d gone most of my teens crushing on guys like Jared Leto, thinking that must make me straight,” says Tegan. “Even though secretly I was dreaming of make outs with Claire Danes. I thought my crush on Jared Leto vetoed my secret girl crush on Claire Danes. Maybe that was society weighing down on me. Perhaps it was peer pressure keeping me inside the lines of heterosexuality. Or, likely, I just liked them both.” Based on your letter, ANON, Tegan suspects that you might like both. “Sexuality is not hard lines,” says Tegan. “It’s not black and white. Not for all of us, anyway. Some people know their whole lives who they are. Some people don’t. My advice: Go and kiss a girl, go and hold a boy’s hand. Don’t worry about who you are until you fi nd out what you like. Maybe you’ll like both—and yay if that’s the way it turns out, because that means you have twice as many people to fall in love with.” And while Tegan doesn’t think a person’s sexuality can change overnight, she believes— she knows from personal experience—that a person’s awareness of their sexuality can change overnight. “You can have an awakening,” says Tegan. “Like I did when I fi rst kissed a girl. A whole new world can absolutely be waiting for you if you end up feeling up to exploring it. Good luck!” Tegan and Sara’s newest album is Get Along, and they’re about to embark on a tour of North America. For info, tour dates, music, merch, and more, go to teganandsara.com. I’m a twentysomething professional snowboarder. I have a problem that I don’t really have anybody to talk to about. When I jerk it, I have to put a finger in my asshole to finish. Plain and simple, that’s the only way I can come. I’ve tried to learn to come without the finger, but I can never reach climax. I can’t even come in a girl’s pussy without sneaking a finger in my back door. I go to great lengths to hide it—push her head in a pillow, etc.— because I don’t want them to think I’m gay. (I have no problem with other people being gay, just FYI. It’s just that you do not want snowboard groupies thinking you’re gay. Girls talk, and then you never get laid again and all of your bros find out you’re sticking things up

your butt.) This letter is actually time sensitive. I’m pretty distraught that last night one of my regular chicks saw me do it! Today she won’t return my texts. I want to convince her I was scratching an itch or something. I’m worried it might already be out there that I’m “gay.” How do I learn to come without prostate stimulation? Butt-Using Manly Man Entirely Distressed I get a dozen letters a week from girls whose boyfriends “can’t come.” These girls tell me that their boyfriends get hard and stay hard and seem to enjoy fucking them—and fucking ’em and fucking ’em—but no matter how long their boyfriends fuck ’em, their boyfriends never climax. Invariably, these girls ask me if their boyfriends are gay. Because otherwise they would come during straight sex, right? Your letter made me wonder how many of these girls are dating guys like you, BUMMED. That is, guys who need a poke in the prostate in order to come but either haven’t figured that out yet or know it but don’t wanna risk it in front of their girlfriends because their girlfriends might think they were gay if they did that. But their girlfriends think they’re gay anyway—because they’re not poking and not coming. So it looks like you’re damned if you do, BUMMED, and damned if you don’t. Stick a fi nger in your butt JOE NEWTON and come, and your girlfriend— excuse me, your groupiefriend—might think you’re “gay.” Don’t stick a fi nger in your butt and don’t come, and your groupiefriend might think you’re “gay.” A few practical suggestions: Get a butt plug. It’s a butt toy that your sphincter muscles hold in place—picture a small lava lamp that fits in your ass—and once you get it in, BUMMED, it won’t slip out. Provided your groupiefriends aren’t touching your asshole or looking directly at it, they won’t even know it’s there. And a butt plug might help you break the strong mental association you’ve made between fi nger-in-hole and climaxing. A few dozen look-ma-no-fi ngerin-hole orgasms, courtesy of a butt plug, might help you transition to look-ma-nothing-in-myhole orgasms. Get a girlfriend. I’m not a noted proponent of monogamous coupling—go ahead and Google me—so please don’t dismiss this as standard-issue advice-professional moralizing. But you might benefit from opening up to one person, someone you can trust with your secret—that will require an investment of time and emotional energy, however. But the payoff could be huge. Imagine having sex with someone you didn’t have to hide from, BUMMED, someone who you didn’t have to worry about judging you because she understood. Get over yourself. Your sexuality isn’t the problem; your need for prostate stimulation isn’t the problem. The problem is your shame and your desire to hide this aspect of your sexuality from your groupies and your bros. You may not be gay, BUMMED, but you do need to come out.

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DEAR READERS: David Rakoff died last week. He was a writer, a contributor to This American Life, and an all-around spectacular human being. His books—Half Empty, Don’t Get Too Comfortable, and Fraud—are terrific. If you haven’t read David’s books, please read them now. My heart goes out to David’s family and to his countless friends. To get an idea of how many lives David touched, spend some time at rorevans.tumblr.com. Find the Savage Lovecast at thestranger.com/savage. mail@savagelove.net @fakedansavage on Twitter

Comment on this story at portlandmercury.com

August 16, 2012 Portland Mercury 39


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COMING 8.7.12 PORTLANDMERCURY.COM/HUMP 40 Portland Mercury August 16, 2012

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I♥TELEVISION

10 YEARS OF TIMEBASED ART

Bullets of Joy

by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey I’m feeling a bit insecure right now. As regular readers of I Love Television™ know, I’ve made a career out of sexual and occasionally violent shenanigans. I’m not bragging, but if you can’t remember the last time you instigated a drug- and alcohol-fueled orgy involving a stolen police van, 27 drag queens, a case of Hormel Chili, and the graduating class of a Catholic girls school—then I guess I am bragging. That being said… I’VE BEEN ONE-UPPED! Here I was, smugly thinking to myself that I’m the most grotesque, morally contaminated deviant to ever sell kittens into slavery—and along comes a comedy series that’s so deranged, so violent, and so steeped in debauchery that even its own network is ashamed of it! Say hello to Bullet in the Face (debuting this Thursday, Aug 16, on IFC at 7 pm), which was originally intended to run over six consecutive weeks. HOWEVER. According to reports, once the network brass watched the thing—jam-crammed with face shootings, leg breakings, head decapitatings, and occasional blow-jobbing? Well, let’s just say there was a lot of throat-clearing, collar-pulling, uncomfortable silencing, and maybe, after they got home, a little blow-jobbing. So instead of loudly tooting their horn that they have the craziest, funniest, most insanely psycho-violent sitcom ever? IFC has chosen to only half-promote it, and run the entire series in two nights, featuring back-to-back episodes. A chicken poop move? Maybe—but a real chicken poop move would’ve been to shelve this project entirely, or quietly release it down the road on DVD. So kudos to you, IFC—because Bullet in the Face is going to make people squirt bullets of joy into their underpants! The plot: Psychopath career criminal Gunter Vogler (Max Williams) is a batcrap crazy Kraut, as well as a misogynistic, brutally cruel assassin. (So far so good, right?) When his face gets blasted off by his lover’s bullet, the police pay for his plastic surgery and new looks—and

JEREMY EATON

in exchange? Gunter becomes an undercover cop. (This plan needs further consideration if you ask me… but whatever! Let’s get to the bloodshed!) The still-insane—if not more so— Gunter is sent to infi ltrate two warring gangs headed by a pair of crackpot mob bosses (comedian Eddie Izzard and fi lm fave Eric Roberts), and what transpires is more than a bloodbath… it’s an Exxon Valdez-sized bloodspill, featuring hot bikini-clad chicks with machine guns, car chases, exploding buildings, needless treachery, skull smashing, girl fights, random basketball team murdering, dentist abuse, and yep… at least a few dozen bullets to the face. And through it all? HILARITY ENSUES. Bullet in the Face plays like a cross between Reservoir Dogs and Arrested Development—little wonder since its creator/producer is the brilliant Alan Spencer, best known for the unforgettable ’80s cop sitcom Sledge Hammer! So while my own grotesque exploits may not reach the sidesplitting, deliriously violent heights of Bullet in the Face, I’ll try to remember that no one “owns” lascivious malevolence and that it’s not a competition! (That being said, I’m throwing an orgy this weekend featuring all the people mentioned above PLUS an extra FIVE cases of Hormel Chili! You in?)

CONTEMPORARY VISUAL ART AND PERFORMANCE FROM AROUND THE WORLD

SEPTEMBER 6-16, 2012 ALL OVER PORTLAND Visit pica.org to discover this year’s artists and buy your tickets.

This Week on Television THURSDAY, AUGUST 16

9:00 CW THE NEXT Debut! Faded stars like Gloria Estefan help contestants in yet another singing competition show STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT!!! 10:30 FX LOUIE Part of being a dad means dealing with rashes on your kids’ juicy bits. Deal with it.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 17

7:00 IFC BULLET IN THE FACE The second night and final three episodes of the bloodiest, most violentist, and funniest sitcom ever!

SATURDAY, AUGUST 18

7:00 BBCA THE NERDIST The nerds devote an entire episode to time travel, in which I travel to the future and proclaim it “awesome.” 11:00 COM AMY SCHUMER: MOSTLY SEX STUFF One of the most hilarious female comics currently working, in her own standup special.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 19

10:00 AMC BREAKING BAD Walt, Jess, and Mike experience “occupational hazards.” Hope they’ve got workmen’s comp.

7:00 BBCA COPPER Debut! An Irish immigrant cop investigates murders in 1864 NYC in this fun Brit import!

MONDAY, AUGUST 20

10:00 NBC GRIMM Nick and his mom team up to fight a deadly occult force, and… MOOOM! YOU’RE EMBARRASSING ME!! 10:30 MTV THE INBETWEENERS Debut! Another great Brit comedy ruined by MTV. (And yet… no one stops them!!)

TUESDAY, AUGUST 21

10:00 SYFY COLLECTION INTERVENTION Adults who obsessively collect toys undergo therapy. I’m safe, though. I collect SOULS.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 22

9:00 TLC TODDLERS & TIARAS Kids perform in the “Little Mr. and Miss Nevada Pageant,” otherwise known as “Future Gamblers Anonymous.” 10:00 BRAVO TOP CHEF MASTERS The contestants are forced to cook a meal for the Indigo Girls… AND listen to their music? That’s just cruel.

Bang! Bang! Pew! Pew! Pew! Twitter. @WmSteveHumphrey

Comment on this story at portlandmercury.com

August 16, 2012 Portland Mercury 41


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42 Portland Mercury August 16, 2012

FESTIVAL FESTIVAL


MAAKIES // TONY MILLIONAIRE

Tony Millionaire’s work is published by Dark Horse Comics and online at maakies.com

Ryan North has daily comics available at qwantz.com

DINOSAUR COMICS // RYAN NORTH ILLUSTRATION BY KALAH ALLEN

WEDDING HELLS Fuck you. I had to drive for 45 minutes to the middle of fucking nowhere to bartend your ugly wedding. I had to endure the onslaught of ugly, tanned women in Mariposa dresses and douche-y men in aviators 50 minutes earlier than planned; I opened 20 bottles of wine in five minutes because for some reason you thought changing the itinerary of your “special day” would be totally okay with the staff working. I had to listen to your bridesmaids and groomsmen tell me, “I’M IN THE WEDDING PARTY, I DON’T NEED TO SHOW I.D.”−to which I had to tell them, over and fucking over again, “Yes, you do, sorry,” like I was a CD on fucking repeat. I bartended shitty beer from a keg for four hours nonstop with nothing but terrible hiphop remixes blared from some cunt with a flat-billed baseball cap on the decks. I don’t care if the groom toured with Slipknot with his second-rate band; I don’t care if the bride looked like Sammi “Sweetheart” from Jersey Shore; fuck you, because my other bartender and I only made $14 each that night. I hope your divorce is lengthy and expensive because your wedding was quite possibly the worst night of my life. Fuck you.—Anonymous Submit your unsigned confessions and accusations of 300 words or less, changing the names of the innocent and guilty, to “I, Anonymous,” at anonymous@portlandmercury.com, or on the new I, Anonymous blog at portlandmercury.com. UNDERWORLD // KAZ

IDIOT BOX // MATT BORS

Kaz's work is published by Fantagraphics; view his work at kazunderworld.com

Submit your photos & art online at flickr.com/groups/portlandmercury

Matt Bors is a Portland-based political cartoonist; view his work at mattbors.com

Thea Stamatelos

Skot Coatsworth

August 16, 2012 Portland Mercury 43


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The Portland Mercury, August 16, 2012 (Vol. 13, No. 13)