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Q: According to authorities, you two and one other customer were inside the FSSOWXSVI [LIR XLI žEQIW IVYTXIH [LEXI\EGXP]GEYWIHXLI½VI# Candace: 8LIVI[EWE½VI# Toni: I should never have turned my back on Candice, I knew that customer [EWEFEHIKK Candice: =SYQIHMETISTPIWXEVXXLIWI rumors to make feminism look bad, XLIVI [EW RS¹½VI² 1VW HVEQE UYIIR Toni, why are you even talking to this WI\MWXQSRWXIV# Q: I’m sure being involved in something PMOI XLMW [EWXVEYQEXM^MRK 'ER ]SY describe the sheer horror of being in

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The Knot Store Blog/Review: By: Larry Stevens Christmas is approaching, and if you are wrestling with what to give your significant other or loved one you need to go to The Knot Store on West Western Street. It was the talk of the town, and I must say I was a bit skeptical, but I went to The Knot Store with an open mind, and boy I’m glad that I went. At the Knot Store, there is a knot for everyone. I went shopping for my fiancée, wanting to give her something original and with the upmost taste. As I entered The Knot Store I was blown away over all the options, and I must say a bit overwhelmed as to how to pick the perfect knot. The storeowner, Alan, quickly made himself available to myself, promising to find the perfect knot. Throughout the eight-hours in which I shopped, Alan and myself narrowed the knots down to five choices: 1. The Heart Shinning Eagle Licking Dog Knot 2. The Lily pad Overgrown Moss Knot 3. The 8 Plus 2 Minus 17 With A Few Left Over Knot 4. The Ispy Sexual Awakening Beaver Meeting a Toad Knot 5. The Sweetened Everlasting Nocturnal Eye Drop Knot After another three hours of deliberating over the pros and cons of each Knot, I decided on the Ispy Sexual Awakening Beaver Meeting a Toad Knot. Pleased with my decision I rushed home to give my fiancée her gift. Turns out she didn’t like it. We broke up that night. I however encourage readers to go to The Knot Store so that you can experience the sensation that’s sweeping over Portland for yourself.


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An Interview on The New Feminist Bookstore in Town Q: First off thanks for meeting with me today. How are you both? A: Candace: We were told that a female would be conducting the interview, so I’m just a little confused right now. Toni: I think it’s very inappropriate for you just to come in here and act like you can ask us whatever you want. Q: Well… this is an interview. Um… I guess I’ll start off with where were you both born? A: Candace: What kind of question is that you pervert? Toni: You should watch your tongue. Candace: You just wanna know about my mom’s Va jay jay, and I’m going to tell you anything that you want to hear, sir. Q: Okay… well would you like to talk about your feminist bookstore? A: Candace: Now there’s a question that I can answer. Toni: Now your talking. Candace: I’ve been a feminist ever since I was in Kindergarten. I was eating my White Bean and Mozzarella Sandwich out on the playground when suddenly this creature sat beside me, and told me that I had pretty hair. The creature was a boy, and I didn’t appreciate the compliment. Let’s just say he went to the hospital right after our little “conversation.” No one disrupts my meal, and he paid the price. As I grew up here in Portland I realized that there was no feminist


bookstore, and that was really disheartening. So I said I should just open one myself. Q: Now Toni how did you meet Candace? A: Toni: I meet Candace at a Vagina Speaks Convention. I had written a book, and I was speaking about it at the convention. After I spoke Candace came over to me, and told me that she wanted to sell my book in her feminist bookstore. I of course accepted under one condition; that I would be able to go into business with her. And it’s been such a beautiful, therapeutic, sensual blessing. Q: Oh… okay. Um… How many customers roughly come in daily? A: Candace: You know I’m really mad right now. So mad that I’m about grab two books and slam them on your face so hard that you fall down onto the ground, and then I’ll jump on your knees until they break. Toni: She isn’t kidding. I’ve seen her do that before. Candace: You just wanna scout out how many women come in here so that you can go at it with them. Q: No I actually was just wondering how manyA: Toni: Stop. I can’t to listen to this. You are nothing but a pig. I think it’s time for you to leave, Mr. Candace: I agree this interview is over. Q: Oh… um… well thanks for meeting with me.


CROSSWORD

Across 6. A profession 7. Fear of long words 8. Country that has the most churches per square mile than any other country in the world. 9. Dog spelled backward is... 10. The sound that is made when both a dog and a cat speak at the same time 11. A male name 12. A country on the planet Earth 13. Rhymes with Bat 15. Kierkegaard An historical figure 16. ________ are the cause of 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide. 17. Dog spelled regular is...

Down 1. A number 2. The first state in the U.S. to have roadside picnic tables. 3. :) 4. A word 5. A band 14. Something that an elephant shares with a human 18. A female name


Check out upcoming

Local Portland Events

October 2013

Brought to you by Portlandia local zine

MUSIC:

• 10/4- Friday- Battle of the Gentle Bands. Woodlawn Park. 2pm. • 10/13- Saturday• Catnap tour kickoff. Bagdad Theatre. 8pm. • 10/16- WednesdayAmy Mann acoustic show. Fred & Carrie’s living room. 5pm. • 10/26- SaturdayKing Desmond & the Accelerators. Town Hall. 9pm.

ACTIVITIES: • 10/19-10/20 Allergy Pride Parade. Downtown. • 10/23Journaling Workshop. Women & Women First. 7pm.

Email us at events@portlandia.zine to have your local event be put on our monthly calendar!

Building community All of Portland is welcome to attend!


CROSSWORD Answers:

Across 6. IMAXScreenCleaner 7. Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliaphobia 8. Jamaica 9. God 10. Roughow 11. Thomas 12. Azerbaijan 13. Cat 15. Søren 16. Buttocks

Down 1. SixHundredandSeventyTwo 2. Michigan 3. Smile 4. Varicotomy 5. TedLeoandthePharmacists 14. Head 18. Ginger


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