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OCT. 2010

S S E R P X A L O P

PREMIERE

ISSUE!

Chuck rhymes with...

vampire t o h a h t i w w e i v r Inte lood, Beer) B , s b o o B ( s ’ B e e r The Th Slowly but Shirley


IN THIS ISSUE Fauxroscope

Letter from Mesdames

3

Dear Readers,

It is written in the stars!

Wha Happen? 4 1st International Boobs and Blood Film Festival 1st Annual LA Craft Beer Crawl

Chuck

10

Quality over Quantity: Fuck, why not both?

The Funny Section 12 Hollyweirdos

Stick This Up your Ass! 13 by A. Bea Estrada

Slowly But Shirley 14 Damn, that’s tight!

Suck on This! 15-37 Our Models Talk 38 That’s all Folks

39

This is our premiere issue and as such, an outline of what Pola X Press is is in order, no? Pola X contains nudity, fiction, cartoons, fake horoscopes we call “Fauxroscopes” that could be true or not true, fashion bitch slaps, and much more. We love L.A. but are open to sleeping on your couch if you live in a city that you think we should get drunk in and write about. Note: our staff writers are not obliged to give you an h.j., b.j., or p.b & j just because they are overnight guests. It is at their discretion. Anyhoo, we h o p e y o u e n j o y ! We welcome submissions but will not pay you a cent if your piece is chosen. You will be invited to our first annual holiday party though. Best Regards,

Mesdames

X


Fauxroscope ARIES

TAURUS

GEMINI

PEOPLE DON’T WANT TO LISTEN TO YOU THIS MONTH. TELL THEM TO SHUT

KEEPING SECRETS IS A DIRTY DEED. A COWORKER HAS A

THIS MONTH WILL GO DOWN IN

CRUSH ON YOU. LOOK FOR SIGNS THAT THEY WANT TO GO TO THE BREAKROOM AND BANG.

HISTORY AS YOUR #1 ASS MONTH OF ALL TIME. MAKE SURE YOU SHAVE ALL THE NOOKS AND CRANNIES BECAUSE WORD GETS AROUND IF YOU’RE SLOPPY.

CANCER

LEO

VIRGO

IT’S TIME TO HAVE A GET TOGETHER. HAVE SOME FRIENDS OVER, GET FULLY LOADED, AND PLAY TRUTH OR DARE. THIS IS THE PERFECT TIME TO ASK YOU KNOW WHO IF THEY WANT TO YOU KNOW WHAT.

IT’S BIZARRO WORLD THIS MONTH. FOR SOME REASON, YOU’LL BE THE VOICE OF REASON AND EVEN THOUGH EVERYONE KNOWS THE WORLD REVOLVES AROUND YOU, YOU’LL MAKE IT ALL ABOUT THEM. ALL THIS WILL GET YOU IS A UNIBROW.

DON’T SPEND MONEY ON STUPID SHIT THIS MONTH ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU’RE BOO IS ACTING A FOOL AND YOU MIGHT NEED SOME RAINY DAY INSURANCE. I’M TALKING JAIL OR A HEFTY FINE HERE OR THE LAP BAND.

LIBRA

SCORPIO

SAGITTARIUS

BREAK OUT OF YOUR SHELL THIS MONTH BY TAKING UPPERS INSTEAD OF DOWNERS. PEOPLE WANT TO TALK TO YOU BUT YOU LOOK SLEEPY WHEN YOU SMOKE DA GANJA OR SIP ON SIZZURP.

YOU’LL FEEL LIKE STAYING AT HOME WEARING SWEATS AND WATCHING THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS BUT YOU REALLY SHOULD GET OUT THERE IF YOU WANT TO MEET YOUR NEXT ONE NITE STAND.

OOH WEE! YOU ARE FIESTY THIS MONTH AND ARE READY TO SLAP A BITCH BUT MAKE SURE THEY HAVE SOMETHING TO LOSE. WATCH OUT FOR PEOPLE WITH MESSED UP GRILLES. THEY MIGHT MAKE YOU PAY FOR THE NEW VENEERS THEY PUT ON LAYAWAY.

CAPRICORN

AQUARIUS

PISCES

TEMPER TEMPER! LEARN TO RELAX BECAUSE YOU’RE FINNIN FOR A BEAT DOWN RIGHT ABOUT NOW. DON’T WRITE A CHECK YOUR ASS CAN’T CASH. SPEAKING OF YOUR ASS, WANT TO DO SOME SQUATS MAYBE? TAKE A LOOK AROUND...TO YOUR ASS! CAN YOU SERVE BREAKFAST IN BED ON IT?

TALK ABOUT FATAL ATTRACTION! TO FORGET ABOUT THE ONE YOU’RE OBSESSED WITH, SLEEP WITH THEIR FRIEND AND REALLY MAKE IT A SHOW. I BET THE ONE YOU REALLY WANT WILL CALL SHORTLY! WORKS EVERY TIME.

RIGHT NOW IS THE PERFECT TIME TO TAKE A TRIP AND MEET NEW PEOPLE THAT ARE A LOT MORE FUN THAN THOSE BORES YOU’VE BEEN HANGING AROUND. ONCE YOU ARE IN THAT NEW TOWN, YOU’LL MEET SOMEONE YOU THOUGHT YOU’D NEVER FUCK BUT GUESS WHAT? YOU DO!

THE HELL UP AND LET YOU SAY WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY. YOU’LL BE GLAD YOU DID.


WHA HAPPEN? by Mike Davis

Screenwriter Mike Davis and Director Jonathan Yudis of Pervert at the New Beverly

1st international Boobs and Blood Film Festival West Hollywood’s infamous New Beverly Cinema was saved from the wrecking ball (or possibly from becoming a Chipotle) earlier this year by none other than Quentin Tarantino. The much celebrated filmmaker and film geek officially walked the walk in addition to the talk by preserving and renovating one of the few safe havens left for classic and cult movies in a city whose identity is inexorably bound to celluloid. In honor of this, Tarantino was awarded with the title and trophy for “Psychotronic Humanitarian of the Year” by the curators of the first international “Boobs and Blood Film Festival” -- a weekend long unabashed celebration of two things men can’t live without…make that three things. “Boobs and Blood” bounced its way into town on September 24, splattering itself across the New Beverly’s single screen for three days and nights of unapologetic affection for all things horror, sex, gore and perversion and a refreshing dose of humor. The festival was deftly programmed with a mix of rarely screened grindhouse flicks (Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers, Vampyres), twisted Japanese “pink” cinema (Wife Next Door, S&M Hunter) and modern cult classics (Pervert! and Mega Piranha). Special guest appearances by Mary Carey, Barry Williams, Christine Nguyen plus a cavalcade of comedians, wrestlers, dirty nurses, burlesque dancers, live movie music (The Cinnamon Sextet) and even the requisite guy in a gorilla suit added to the carnival like atmosphere that was Boobs and Blood. The festival was a smashing success and big, beautiful, blood soaked bubbly bash of pure cinematic fun where enthusiasts could let down their hair and undo their brassieres in great company without shame. There’s already talk of doing it again next year with a new slate of timeless, top heavy, titillating travesties and hemoglobin-y grindhouse goodness the directors can dig up. Pola Bare was there to cover the event.


The lovely Mary Carey, star of Pervert and a former Gubernatorial candidate. She should have run this year.

Japanese stars and Director of S&M Hunter and Japanese Wife Next Door. From left to right, Yumi Yoshiyuki, Yutaka Ikejima and Reiko Yamaguchi

1st Annual LA Craft Beer Crawl WOULD YOU PAY $50 BUCKS FOR UNLIMITED BEER TASTING WHILE YOU GET SOME EXERCISE? WELL OVER A THOUSAND PEOPLE DID JUST THAT ON SEPTEMBER 25TH. OUR REPORTER REPORTS. “All I remember is I went to this one place and stood in line and I got a wrist band and that nifty mug that you see pictured on the right and I walked around Downtown LA to all these bars and they gave me beer and I got real fucked up and I can’t wait to go back next year. Thanks Beer Chicks for a night I don’t remember because I was too wasted. Hey, I took the Metro Goldline home so fuck off ‘ya filthy * Reporter no longer works for Pola X Press animal!” *


WHA HAPPEN? Pola X Press talked to owner Justin Warwick about his new space The Warehouse and the adjacent rentals Apartments@The Warehouse at the unveiling party on October 15th. It was a kegger to remember.

The Warehouse What inspired you to create such an interactive space? I wanted a space where I could create a community around design, specifically re-styled design re-using already existing materials. I think the space and its use will be ever evolving. I hope to include more community activities and events. We've only been open two months and the design as well as its function has already matured in intentional and unexpected ways so I expect that it will continue to grow in the future.

Sassy salesgirl Vanna White-ing the Alterations and Notions section


Vintage furnishings co-mingle with the eclectic merch. It’s a mind scramble.


How does your Bed and Breakfast connect with your shop? The Apartments @ the Warehouse will be short term sublets available for rental for as little as one night and up to a month. We would even consider longer given the circumstance. Should the tenants or guests want to be involved with the space during their stay, we'd be cool with that as well!

The interior of one of the rentals at The Apartments@The Warehouse. No ‘by the hour’ rates? Shucks!


What do you like most about Echo Park? The diversity of the neighborhood and community here. I love Echo Park's history and how this community like none other in LA is all accepting as well as in constant flux especially over the last few decades. It's a really amazing place to live-it feels alive and positive and I feel privileged to be a part of what's happening here.

The Warehouse is located at 1197 W. Sunset Blvd.in Echo Park 90026. Go to http:// warwickshop.com/ for more info.

Opening night replete with fun-filled anecdotes. “This is weird man...�


Chuck

Quality Over Quantity: Fuck, Why Not Both? By Chuck Esteras

“In these times, people have been more fashionably aware thanks to the access of blogs, YouTube, and even those guilty pleasure fashion reality shows on television. As a little gayiboy my only resources where Vogue, Sassy, and George Michael videos containing amazing Thierry Mugler couture. I suppose having a typical 90's gay uncle helped also. But with all these resources today, we are craving more high end designer pieces in our closet. Overhearing pre-teen girls craving for a Commes des Garcon wallet trips me out. In my days, having an Old Navy Performance Fleece (REMEMBER THOSE?!) was the IT item of the season.

Have no fear?...Fast fashion is very marketable and we have so many stores to choose from such as Zara, H&M, and even...I dare say...Forever 21 who is always up to date with the latest trends and sometimes even emulate looks for the upcoming season before the big labels have the chance to release their own trend themselves. Zara was even described by Louis Vuitton fashion director Daniel Piette as ‘Possibly the most innovative and devastating retailer in the world.’But is that enough? As much as the item is trendy, the technique, detailing, and craftsmanship is not as satisfactory as the real thing. In these frugal times, it is not practical to buy the Alexander McQueen (*sign of the cross*) Celtic print leggings which would retail for about $500. Or is it?


Fattening junk food and generic t-shirts or Alexander McQueen Shoes? You decide.

This is how I shop: SPLURGE! YES! Splurge on the detailed pieces! Splurge on the flashy items! Just fucking splurge. You're helping the economy. So, fashion shows would show their looks at least 6 months in advance from it's seasonal look to have time to mass produce the looks. I very much go on Style.com and other fashion sites to see what would be the next big trend or what the "it" item would be. I tell myself that it would take about 6-8 months to save up for one of the special items and if I at least put $50 in my savings every paycheck, I would have that item once it comes out. Instead of wasting $50 on junk food or a temporary entertaining at-the-moment splurge, you can save up! I have spoken to a person who loves to purchase fast fashion every time he receives a paycheck. He thinks it's suicide to have Lanvin shoes. As much as he wants the same shoes, he believes he can not afford them. We probably are paid the same. I told him that if he skipped a paycheck to save up for Lanvin shoes, he would probably obtain them without feeling any regret. Yes, fast fashion looks real cute but it is not up to par with the workmanship on just the tongue on my shoes. Hate to sound like a bitch but you know it's true. If you're on a budget and you love fashion, I really feel that you can easily heighten your fashion by putting on a special piece. You're not a millionaire but one tiny piece can make you feel like one. I can easily purchase an Alexander Wang-inspired t shirt at Zara and pair it with my Devil horned McQueen ring and make the t-shirt look luxe. As I type, I'm at the coffee shop wearing my Balmain leather jacket paired with a Threadless silk screen shirt and H&M cargos. How I can afford that Balmain jacket would be another story...And no, I did not sleep with anyone for this. Well kinda sorta. I kid.�

Chuck Esteras is a fashionista Gaysian who blends aesthetics of Grace Jones, Rihanna, East L.A. cholas mixed with French biker porn stars. And yes, he is single and living in Silverlake. How cliche. cesteras@gmail.com


THE FUNNY SECTION


Stick this up your ass! A Letter: Nay…a Plea: Dear Coffee Shop Patrons: Hey. So, listen I’m going to be a decent human being and give you some heart to heart truth. You’re an asshole and I hate you. It’s ok though. I’m just like you, I too need a semi-noisy place to look at stupid yet freakishly amusing websites like Cute Overload and Lesbians that Look like Justin Beiber. I understand you need to catch up on your Hulu queue filled with episodes of Ghost Hunters (the original, not Ghost Hunters International, the guy on there has devil eyes). And I also know that you need a place to get away from your roommate that leaves around molding Cup of Noodles and smells like Elizabeth Taylor’s White Diamonds perfume. In essence, I get it. But, and this is a Kardashian size ‘but’; you have to stop having arguments with your significant other on the phone in front of my face. You are half a foot away from me and I can smell your rotten skinny cinnamon dolce latte breath every time you say ‘I don’t have time for this’. Yet, you still go on a hefty ten minutes raising your indoor voice gradually to slowly and painfully blow out my eardrum. And what gets me is that you do this all on your Bluetooth, in which I swear the little light blinks Morse code for ‘save your selves’. I don’t know what makes you feel like you need to speak with your theatrical projection-y voice but I think it might have something to do with having your headphones on full blast. Yes, you need to lower that shit. I don’t want to even hear the muffled version of Smash Mouth’s first album. I hated it then and I’m going to hate it now. My suggestion is to listen to something light, universal, calming and sexy. Like, Josh Groban, or Harry Connick Jr. In conclusion, my fellow coffee shop lover, be a dear keep the peace. I don’t want to have to accidentally run you over with my car in the parking lot.

Yours and forever, A. Bea Estrada


Slowly But Shirley by Shirley Sloan

Damn, that’s tight!

It's one hour till my good friend Gabrielle's birthday bash. It's being held at a hot new restaurant downtown I've been dying to go to. Good friends and even better frenemies are attending the shindig. Frenemies. You know, the people you must look cuter in front of and/or be just a tad more clever when they pop into the picture. In fact, my best frenemy, Carla will be there. Carla is an annoying know-it-all ho-bag with a high-pitched voice. I call her "The Authority" because she has a "been there, done that" attitude and it bugs the hell outta me. For some reason Gabrielle thinks Carla is sweet and it makes me question Gabrielle's judgement. But Gabrielle has her own issues which I'll address at another time. For tonight, I set out my liquid leggings and over the knee Italian leather beaded silk tank I bought at a sample sale two months ago. So hot! However, to find where I left my strapless bra! THIS is the kinda shit that makes me the strapless bra, I can't wear my silk tank which means I have no business liquid leggings and boots combo and I will have to start over! I've already

boots with a I can't seem late! Without wearing the got my hair,

makeup and accessories to match this specific look which I planned weeks in advance, mainly because I want to show off my new over the knee Italian leather boots. I know Carla does not have a pair yet. She won't be "The Authority" on fashion when she sees me strut my fashionable ass in my liquid leggings and luxe boots tonight!  As I'm running around retracing my steps to the last time I wore my strapless bra, I find my cat lying on top of it at the foot of the bed. That little bitch! I love her but there is nothing I hate more than cat owners who are covered in cat fur and say "I have a cat, whadda ya want?" I grab the lint roller and furiously scrape at my bra when I feel something um, wet down there. My period. Yup! Breathe.. I have to leave in five minutes or I will blow my 'fashionably late' window to just plain old 'rude' late.  My period is early so I'm not prepared with the extra large Q-tips everyone likes to call tampons. I only find three panty liners and an overnight 'diaper' sized maxi pad. I fling open my closet door to look for a clutch that I know I left at least two tampons in. Success! It only has one but one will do.  Strapless bra, check! Tampon, check! Operation sexy over the knee Italian leather boots, check! I'm really hustling to get dressed at this point. Putting on three things at a time. My silk tank is over my head as I am pulling my bra up and shimmying in to my liquid leggings. Hair and makeup take so long I got the getting dressed part down to a science. I put my foot on the toilet seat and as I slip my tampon in, I sneeze so hard the tampon flies out of my va-jay-jay and lands smack on the floor still in it's plastic case. ..sigh..  I'm now gonna be 'rude' late, without my carefully planned for outfit, have to listen to a high pitched know-it-all bitch and wearing a diaper sized maxi pad to boot! 


S: T N E S E R P S S E R P POLA X

S I H T N O K C SU

Y O B S T E E M L R I G L A C I YOUR TYP D O O L B A O T N I Y O B S N GIRL TUR . Y R O T S D N E I F G N I K C U S ASEK YUR VIS A L L E C R A M : R O T CREATIVERDOIRF PECHOTOGRAPHY: AURELIE DA DIRECTO BY ERICA Q MAKEUPNT EXTRAORDINAIRE: JODY ASSISTA


Monday: 10:00 AM

What, you don’t change into something sexier to cook breakfast? Maybe you should start.


10:45 AM

Time to get dressed. Bask in how hot you are. You’re going hunting. For a man!


Round one.


12:50 PM

Your fortune for today: Watch out for pretty girls with big melons.

Who is that?!


Hmmm... that guy seems to be the one.

You’re so funny. Have any plans for tonight?

I get off in a half hour. I get off as much as possible. -Gulp-Wanna get some tacos? Do you?


You look good enough to eat! Forget the tacos!

You have some sauce on your face. Let me get that for you.


See you tonight.

Tonight. Dress up for me K?


6:21 pm

He was nice. If only he knew what my intentions are. Doubt it would matter.


Round Two

What? you don’t change a thousand times before your victim, er date, comes over? You should.


9:52 PM

Nice place. You can sit be me. I won’t bite. Well I will maybe just a little bit. I love how you kid around. I’m a riot aren’t I?


Do you like me as much as I like you? Yes. Good, because I’d like to keep you around for a bit. Like forever Whatever you say I love the sound of that. Say it again


Whatever you say. Whatever you want.

To the boudoir batman.


You ready for a life changing experience?


Second thoughts? Comeer woman! If you insist


! M A B POW!!

YOWSAS

Shazam!


There’s something I have to tell you about me

I knew it. You have a boyfriend don’t you?


No, I like you. I really like you.

Umm...


And they lived happily ever after

THE END


Our Models Talk! What’s your Sign: Capricorn Favorite Bar? 4100 and Burgundy Room World ends tomorrow, who will you spend your day with? Jeffrey Dahmer First Kiss: Good One or Bad one? Good One Fast Food Craving: Bakers If you were a drink, what would you be? Jameson and Coke Do you believe in love at first sight? Not yet

Name: Kendall

What’s your five year plan? That’s hard. What was your favorite Halloween costume? This year! Bride of Frankenstein. Something spooky, not slutty! Have you ever had a close encounter if the third kind? Always.. I am the 3rd kind. What’s the curse word you use most often? All of them. FUCK. Fuck is the best word ever. What’s your sign? Pisces Favorite Bar? 4100 Bar World ends tomorrow, who will you spend your day with? Do they have a choice? No Scarlett Johansson.Good friend Brittany. First Kiss: Good One or Bad one? Good One Fast Food Craving: Jack in the Box If you were a drink, what would you be? Tall drink of water!

Name: Adam

Do you believe in love at first sight? Sort of. Maybe not true. What’s your five year plan? Oh my God. Not have kids.Travel. What was your favorite Halloween costume? A homemade snail costume, had the shell and all. Have you ever had a close encounter if the third kind? I’ve had the 4th kind. Definitely an alien encounter What’s the curse word you use most often? Most likely, FUCK.


Special Thanks to La Esquina Market in Glassell Park in Los Angeles, CA Thanks to Kendall, Adam, Jody, Erica, and all of our contributors

Next issue we tackle the fierce So Cal winter weather poolside. We are always looking for writers and models . Please contact us at mesdames@polabarephoto.com Visit our website http://polabarephoto.com Follow us on Twitter Like us on Facebook Yadda Yadda Yadda


Pola X Press Oct/Nov Issue