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PleaseUseRearExit.net’s 26th Chapter is presented by:

The actual origin of what you thought was just stupid Internet speak.


Please Use Rear Exit

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

(( sacredsaffron.tumblr.com )) Mikhail didn’t question how Saffron was able to procure a towel when no one else could seem to turn up a stack of napkins, it was the same ability that caused traffic around them to significantly slow. She had removed her boots and jeans, letting her cotton blouse fall to the middle of her thighs as she dried herself off from the lemming-like dive into the pool. Her top managed to flow like a dress in the wind at her legs and cling to every inch of the curves above her waist. It was such a mundane act—using a towel to achieve dryness—but the men and many of the women were rubbernecking like it was one of life’s great wonders. It was something of an artistic miracle, as if Saffron were a master sculptor shaving pieces of clay. There was a precision to the process, like her true shape needed to revealed, and maybe rescued, from its original form. If she didn’t finish quickly however, she was going to cause an accident as people left HD and wandered back into the #720. 404


by Brandon Perkins

Mikhail squeezed his blue skullcap with a stringent wringing motion. He wanted to be dry enough to face the next obstacle and it’d take some work to get there. He tried as hard as he could to wring out whatever pool remnants he could, but the #720’s wind tunnel was having its freezing way with him. Through the instability of his shivers, Saffron looked so warm. Her nipples were rock hard and clearly visible, but she didn’t move like a cold person. “I wasn’t planning on swimming tonight, that’s for sure,” Mikhail said. Chevy and Jayson were ghost, and his next move had to be made. “It’s only so much better than nothing, but I’m done,” Saffron said, handing him the damp towel. “I’ve never seen a show like that in my entire life. If I didn’t know the true meaning of spiritual, I might label it as such. Seriously, I’m so thankful that my phone is waterproof. I’m almost done 405


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with my blog post on the show, I just have to edit the video I shot. And I still can’t do that on this old piece of junk. But wow, Weezy was incredible, right?” “When did you shoot video? Or have time to write a blog about all that insanity for that matter?” “Don’t ask questions under the assumption that I’m running at 56k, Mik,” she said, while pulling up her jeans. Her bounce was mesmerizing. “I’m way faster than that, even if I do need a new phone. No one cares if they have to wait and people care about my site.” “Have you blogged about the Sky Cart yet?”


by Brandon Perkins

“No, but only because I haven’t ridden it. There’s a tag already set up on my Tumblr, but no, I haven’t gotten there yet, sadly. And I’ve got to keep it real, obviously.” “I haven’t ridden it, either,” Mikhail said. “But I still think about dangling my feet all the time.” “Me too, one day we’ll get there.” “It’s great that you found something to be so passionate about,” he said. “Passions are few and far between in this age of constant gratification. Are you getting any love on the site?” “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you—my blog gets a lot of love. There are at least 50 comments on every post and my Technorati points are through the roof. And more than that, my little online success has made me feel better about real life. That’s all thanks to you, Mikhail.” Mikhail had nothing to say. He just looked at her quizzically. “When I used to go to HD and clubs like that, I always felt out of place,” Saffron continued. “I’d just sit there like a bump on a log. People would be talking around me and I’d be so busy thinking about what I could contribute to the conversation that the whole thing would pass me by. Because of the self-doubt ringing so loud in my head, I was deaf to 407


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my place inside that same-old-party small talk. The longer I waited to contribute, the more pressure I put on myself to say something of merit. If I was quiet for so long, how could my first comment be less than remarkable?” “Talking is like breathing, you just do it. It can get hard, but you have to find a way to speak up. I’m not good at it, but regardless, it makes sense to try.” “But, Mikhail, I started getting hits, my Google Analytics spiked. Once I stopped caring about what I said, people started caring. And I figured, if they care about what I write, I mean, knowing that all these anonymous people on my blog wanted to read what I said or what pictures I thought were cool, why wouldn’t people in real-life situations listen to me?” Mikhail wondered what his life would be like if he lived without such filter, if his participation points mattered as much as FAILs and WINs. For a minute, he forgot how to breathe, never mind talk. The uncertainty of his prior kiss with Saffron exponentiated and began to suffocate him. He wasn’t sure what it meant to Saffron, what it meant to CGI (assuming she saw and assume he did), or least of all, what it meant for him. He just knew that the woman in front of him—so sexy that people couldn’t walk by her without 408

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by Brandon Perkins

stopping to momentarily stare— was crediting Mikhail with her spiritual rebirth. “When we went into that storefront church, it showed me that there was something to talk about,” Saffron said. “I’m embarrassed to say it, but I quit the OoEP so I could visit Compton’s Circle while you were at work. I didn’t want to see you there while I was figuring this all out.” “Why would it be embarrassing if I saw you on the Circle?” Mikhail asked, throwing the drenched towel to the ground. He wasn’t even close to dry, he just needed something to do. “I don’t get it.” “I’m still not sure, but I think it has something to do with not being first. The first rule of an Internet personality is thou shalt not bite, you know that.” 409

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“But I never go to that church.” “I know, but you were still there first. You have to understand, I was so unsure of myself I resorted to being a giggly mute girl who relied on stupid jokes to make people like me. Now that I have some confidence, I guess I don’t mind being second. But can I ask you a personal question?” “Maybe.” “Aren’t you sick of finding ways to write the same conniving shit in different ways over and over again? I left the Office of Emailing People forever ago and you were there long before I started.” “Of course I am, but it doesn’t make my job any less worth a damn. I provide a service and—” 410


by Brandon Perkins

“—and you do, Mikhail, and you do it better than most, but there’s more to life than those emails to random people. You’re better than SPAM and you know it. I know it.” “Maybe I am, but I’m not sure what else I could do. Haven’t really thought about it, truthfully. Tricking SPAM filters is kind of a specific talent, where else could it possibly be useful?” “I’m pretty sure that it’s not for me to find out,” Saffron said. She had finished putting herself together and, unlike Mikhail, looked like she did at the start of the evening. Perhaps the thread on her blouse, the same kind that reflected The Internet, also had some waterproof properties. Her makeup was unsmudged, her hair perfectly coiffed and her clothes completely dry. Mikhail was still closer to a drowned rat than someone in their Friday night best. “Well, what do we do now? You know, while I’m trying to figure out how to make my little talent a big one...” Saffron shrugged her shoulders. “Should we look for Jayson and Chevy? Sneak onto the Sky Cart?” “Man, you ain’t sneaking anywhere,” Jayson said, creeping up from behind Mikhail to put him into a headlock. 411


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“Really? Really? What the fuck about me demands all this attention?” Mikhail was exhausted with all the wrestling he had been forced into, and now he was getting it from his best friend. He thought about fighting back but couldn’t find the strength. Mikhail would argue, but his heart wouldn’t be in it. “I work on the #4, motherfucker, you know the bang these guns pack,” Jayson laughed, tightening his grip. “Who’s your master?” “The Internet.” “Think again,” Jayson said, squeezing tighter around Mikhail’s neck. “Oh, right, it’s Saffy.” “Keep thinking.” “Jayson, stop! He’s turning red, you’re going to kill him!” “Jayson, you are the master.” “That’s all I needed,” Jayson said, releasing his grip and standing up. He then helped Mikhail to his feet. “The master of masturbating, I mean. You’re the Usain Bolt of self-pleasure and I bow down to your speed.” Jayson started wrestling again and Mikhail found a free arm to pinch and grab and twist. They separated like the 412


opposite ends of magnets and firmly looked at the childish joke between them before glancing at each other. “If you boys are done,” Saffron snarled, “I know where the after-party is at. Are you done?” “Should we leave without Chevy?” Jayson asked, sitting on the ground and kicking Mikhail whenever he could. “He’s gotta be around here somewhere.” “I haven’t seen him since he pushed me into the pool. He found his way into HD, I’m sure he’ll be okay at the after-party.” Mikhail smiled at Saffron. As long as he didn’t wear it on his face, it didn’t matter that he was replaying his explosion against CGI’s insides. Not to Saffron or CGI. If Chevy’s towel toss had been on-target, things would’ve been different. But they weren’t. “Where’s the party at?” “Just a hop, skip and a jump from here,” Saffron said. “A little walking and a little Brown BTWNing and we’re there. It’s on your way home anyway, right?” 413

Ch 26 : SacredSaffron.Tumblr.Com  

While drying off, Saffron finally finds the time to reveal what she's been keeping from Mikhail all this time.

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