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Š 2012 Devon Williamson, All rights reserved. Do not copy.

My In-laws are Outlaws By Devon Williamson

International Version

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Š 2012 Devon Williamson, All rights reserved. Do not copy.

My In-laws are Outlaws By Devon Williamson

Do not copy, distribute or perform without permission. All rights reserved. For performance information please contact:

USA Theater's please contact: ComedyPlays.Net Email: info@comedyplays.net Web: www.comedyplays.net Australian Theatre's please contact: David Spicer Productions Web: www.davidspicer.com/author/devon-williamson Email: david@davidspicer.com Phone: 02 9371 8458 New Zealand Theatre's please contact: The Play Bureau Web: www.playbureau.com Email: play.bureau.nz@xtra.co.nz South African Theatre's please contact: Web: www.dalro.co.za/index.php/theatricals-permission Email: theatricals@dalro.co.za Phone: +27 (0)11 712-8330 Rest of the world please contact: ComedyPlays.Net Web: www.comedyplays.net Email: info@comedyplays.net

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Information on other plays by Devon Williamson is also available at his website: www.comedyplays.net

The play is set at the rundown family home of the Black family.

Characters. The characters in the play are unapologetically stereotypical. They should be played with gusto and a good deal of fun. Accents should be thick; costumes should be straight out of gangster movies, and emotion played enthusiastically by the actors. If you are not having fun with the characters in this play, then you’re missing the point! Enjoy. Annie: 30 – 40 years old. Married to Dane. A librarian, timid, not very adventurous, her family died in a car accident when she was a child. A small scar is only just visible on her neck. Has a lot of knowledge about the world but little experience in it. By the end of the play she has become an independent self-assured woman. Dane: 30 – 40 years old. Married to Annie. Estranged son of a mob family. Audrey: 50 - 60 years old (or around 20 years older than Dane). Dane’s mother and current head of the mob family. Hard, manipulative, very short tempered. Tired of running the family business due to her husband being in prison. Desiree: 30 – 40 years old. Danes sister, dreams of being a notable mobster but only has the intelligence to become a notable moron. Speaks with a thick Welsh accident. She is not Welsh. Granddad: 70 - 80 years old (or around 20 years older than Audrey). Audrey’s father. Losing his mind. Almost exclusively repeats what other people say. Much loved by the family. Grandma: (or around 20 years older than Audrey). Audrey’s mother. Hard, violent women in her golden years with an extremely short temper. Devoted to Granddad. Loathes Desiree. Natalya: 30’s – 40’s Russian hit-woman. Poor English but understands much more than she can speak. Shows little emotion. Speaks in a deep 3 | Page


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monotone. Very dangerous and surprisingly smart. Can be played by the actor playing Desiree. Finn: 50’s – 60’s former Irish IRA fighter. Dangerous and violent. Trying to train his idiot son in the family business of killing. Can be played by the actor playing Granddad. Donal: 30 – 40 years old. Irish. The idiot son of Finn. Has a fear of doorways. Emotionally unstable with huge emotional swings. Trying his best to learn his father's trade but incapable of doing so. Can be played by the actor playing Dane. Rosa Botticello: 90 years old. Legendary Italian assassin. Has a pacemaker. Can be played by the actor playing Grandma.

Set. There are two locations used in the play... The front door of a rundown house. There is a light above the door. The lounge. A door or two to other rooms in the house. Windows with curtains. A door to outside. A lounge suite and lounge chair. Dining table and a few odd chairs. A 44 gallon drum (or two) with lid is situated upstage… this is the acid bath. Various odds and ends creating clutter. A stack of wooden crates with the North Korean flag stamped on the sides.

Scene One Annie and Dane enter with weekend luggage (perhaps through the audience to the stage). In front of them is the door of a run-down house. Annie: This isn’t a hotel. Just stating the obvious. But this is not a hotel. Dane: No. I said it would be a surprise. Annie: And this is the surprise?

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Dane: Surprise! Annie: Are you serious? We’re staying here? Dane: Yeah, this is it. Annie: Well, it is a surprise. Now let’s go to the hotel, I’m tired Dane. Dane: We’re not staying at a hotel, Annie. We’re staying here. Annie: No we’re not, come on. Dane: We are staying here. Annie: I’m not staying here, look at it. Dane: We’re staying here and there’s more. Annie: More? Dane: Well, something else. Annie: What? Dane, this place is creepy. Dane: Yeah, well you just wait. Annie: For what? What am I waiting for? Dane: OK. Don’t freak out – Annie: I’m not freaking out – Dane: No, but you will. Annie: No I won’t, tell me. Dane: Take my word for it, you will freak out, and I don’t blame you – Annie: I won’t freak out!! Now just tell me whatever it is you have to tell me! Or I will freak out! Dane: OK, alright. You know how we’re both, well, “orphans”? Annie: (Quoting something obviously special to them both) “Two little lonely orphans, all alone in the world except for each other”. Of course. 5 | Page


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Dane: Yeah. All alone in the world, except for each other. Annie: So? Dane: Well, this is the “something else” I was talking about. Annie: What is? Dane: I’m not so all alone, as it turns out. Annie: What? Dane: My family, if you can call them that, lives in this house. Annie: No they don’t. Dane: Yes they do. Annie: No, they don’t. Dane: Yes, they do. Annie: No. No they don’t. You don’t have a family. I don’t have a family. We just have each other. That’s what we have. Just each other. You and me, Dane. No family. Dane: Well we still have “just each other”… and as it turns out, my family, too. In this house. Annie: So the car accident? Dane: Nope. Didn’t happen. Annie: This is incredible. When did you find out? Dane: Well, that’s also a bit tricky to answer, really. Annie: When did you find out, Dane, that your family didn’t die in a car accident? Dane: Yeah, well that’s the thing. I um, well… funny thing actually… I… always knew. Annie: What?

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Dane: I’ve always known. Annie: How could you always have known? Dane: Isn’t it obvious Annie? Annie: Isn’t what obvious? Dane: That I made it all up. Annie: Why would you do that? Why would you lie to me? How could you hide that? Dane: It’s complicated. Annie: Complicated? I married a man who understood me because he’d gone through what I’d been through. Dane: “Two little lonely orphans, all alone in the world except for each other”. Annie: Yes! My family are dead, Dane! Dead! And you’ve been pretending… pretending… who would do that? What kind of sick person are you?! Dane: I’m telling you, it’s complicated. Annie: Complicated? I’ll give you complicated! Complicated is being married for 10 years and then finding out your husband has been lying to you, that’s complicated! How the hell can this be complicated for you?! Dane: I have a complicated family, Annie! OK? You think I want this? They were dead to me. Twelve years ago I left this ‘family” as if they were dead. Where have I been every Christmas? Every holiday? Every waking moment? For that matter every sleeping moment! Huh? With you. You are my family. Not them. Annie: Then what are they? Dane: Well technically they’re still family. But not in my heart, and that’s what matters right? Annie: So, in your heart, your family died in a car accident?

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Dane: Yeah, something like that. Annie: Do you know what I would give to have a family? And you treat yours like they are dead! Dane: It’s complicated! I’m telling you, it’s complicated! Annie: How? What could it matter, they’re your family. (A revelation) Our family. These are my in-laws. I have in-laws! Dane: Well, your in-laws are outlaws. Annie: They’re what? Dane: My family are not exactly law abiding citizens. They’re crooks. Annie: Crooks? Dane: Crooks! Crooked! Gangsters! Hoodlums! These are bad people Annie, that’s why I left. Annie: So, what are we doing here? Dane: I’ve been summoned. And when the family summons you, you come. Something has happened in the family and I need to be here. And it can only be bad. Real bad. Annie: So, why am I here? Dane: You’ve been summoned too. Annie: Oh dear. Dane: Yeah, oh dear. Annie: Do we go in? Dane: No, knock first. (In answer to Annie’s quizzical look) Trust me, you always knock before you enter a “family” house. Annie: Why? Dane: It avoids accidents. Annie: Accidents? 8 | Page


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Dane: It’s just safer to let them know you’re coming. (He knocks on the door). With any luck, they’ll be out. (Pointing to the light above the door) When the light comes on, we can go in. They stand looking at the light above the door as the stage lights fade slowly out.

Scene Two Inside the house. Grandma and Granddad are sitting on a couch. Desiree is on a lounge chair and Audrey is standing. They are mid conversation. Note: Desiree is talking in a Welsh accent. The entire scene and the following scenes for that matter all have Desiree talking in a thick Welsh accent. Audrey: Alright, Dane is coming home. Desiree: Why? Audrey: (There is a brief pause as Audrey turns to Desiree in response to the peculiar way she said “why”... and then continues) He’s been summoned. His bimbo is coming too. Desiree: Dane’s wife is coming too? Oh, how fabulous. Audrey: Desiree? Desiree: Yes? Audrey: Why the hell are you talking like that? Desiree: Like what? Audrey: The funny voice. Desiree: Oh you noticed, did you? Audrey: Yes Desiree, I noticed. Desiree: Do you like it?

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Audrey: (Rolling her eyes and sighing) Oh for goodness sake. Desiree: It’s exotic don’t you think? Audrey: Yes it’s idiotic. Desiree: Mom! Audrey: Alright, it’s exotic. Desiree: Ooo you really think so? Audrey: (Dripping with sarcasm) Yes, I really think so. Desiree: That’s funny coz Grandma said you’d think it was really stupid. (She blows a raspberry at Grandma). Grandma: (Grandma pulling out a handgun) You watch your language young lady! Audrey: Take it easy mom. Put that damn thing away. And, it had better not be loaded; I’ve been over that with you. Grandma: Of course it’s not loaded. (Pause) Alright, it is. But I probably wouldn’t have shot her. And if I did shoot her, it would have just been in the leg. Audrey: (Kindly) Well it’s good to see you finally mellowing in your old age. Granddad: Good to see you finally mellowing in your old age. Granddad gives grandma a little kiss on the cheek. It is a touching moment. They are very much in love ever after all these years... and acts of brutal violence. Precious. Desiree: There’s a lot of love in this family. Grandma: Yeah, I’d have shot you in the leg and watched you bleed to death. (Reflectively) But I’m getting soft in my old age. Desiree: Well I’m not getting soft. I’ve just joined a militant group. Audrey: And is that related in some way to you talking... exotically? 10 | Page


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Desiree: Yes it is actually. (There is a pause as Desiree knows the others want an explanation but waits to be asked. She is clearly enjoying being the center of attention). Audrey: (With a big sigh and knowing that she is walking into an elephant pit of lunacy) Alright, I’ll ask it. Why, why Desiree are you talking like that? And I really don’t want to be disappointed I asked this. Desiree: This is a Welsh accent, this is. Audrey: (Long suffering) Yes, and? Desiree: And I’ve joined a militant group. Audrey: Desiree, you joined Greenpeace. Desiree: Yes, and we’re all about saving Wales. Audrey: The great tragedy is that that wasn’t the punch line to a joke. Grandma: (Taking the gun back out) That’s it, I’m going to shoot her! Granddad calms Grandma down. Desiree: What do you mean? Grandma: The whales you’re saving, you nitwit are the whales in the damn ocean! Granddad: (Agreeing, but warmly) In the damn ocean. Desiree: No, they’re not. Mom? Audrey: Yes Desiree, they are. Desiree: No, I don’t think so Audrey: Yes they are. You thought you were joining the Welsh version of the IRA but instead you’ve joined a bunch of hippies dedicated to saving the most lazy animal in the ocean. Desiree: Lazy?

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Audrey: Big fat buggers that loll around in the ocean and don’t even chew their food. Desiree: Well how was I to know? Grandma: You weren’t to know. No one expects a moron to know. That’s the great advantage of being a moron. Desiree: I’m not a moron! Grandma: Then why are you still talking in that stupid accent? Desiree: (Freaking out) I don’t know! I don’t know how to stop! Audrey: Oh for goodness sake! Grandma: (Taking out the gun again) Audrey, just give me one shot at her. One shot, it’d be doing the world a service. Audrey: Mom, for the last time, you’re not shooting your granddaughter. Grandma: Why not? Audrey: I don’t know, I’ve just got a feeling that it’d be... (she searches for the right word)... inappropriate. Granddad: (Agreeing and taking the gun from Grandma) Inappropriate. Grandma: (Shrugging) Well you might be right. Audrey: (Trying to get back on track) Now, as I was saying before we’d discovered Desiree could speak another language Grandma: “Moron”. Audrey: Dane’s coming home with his wife for the weekend. I thought we’d all go away together to the beach house and sort out all this monkey business once and for all. Grandma: (Agreeing) His place is with the family. Granddad: (Agreeing) His place is with the family.

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Desiree: (Wanting to be a part of the conversation) His place is with the family! Grandma, Granddad and Audrey: Shut up Desiree! Grandma starts fumbling for her gun. Granddad is trying to calm her down. Desiree: What?! Mom, come on! How come they can say it and I can’t! Grandma: Just one shot, in the foot. Audrey: (Rubbing her temples to massage away the pain) Desiree, please. Mom, put the gun away! Mom, give it to Dad! Please, Dad can you do something about her?! Grandma: Just one shot! Desiree starts screaming. Desiree: Mom! Grandma’s going to kill me! Audrey pulls out a gun and fires three times in the air. Everyone stops. Audrey: Thank you. (Looking up to the ceiling). Dad, you’d better get the roofers back. Granddad: (Agreeing) Better get the roofers back. Audrey: Now, I just want you all to behave yourselves. That’s all; it’s not asking a lot. I don’t want anyone shooting anyone, I don’t want anyone saving whales, I just want us all to have a nice relaxed weekend with Dane so that we can sort out the family business. Is that understood? Desiree? Desiree: What have I done? (A glare from Audrey) Yes. Yes, understood. Audrey: Thank you. (Building a bridge) The accent... Desiree: Yes? Audrey: It kinda suits you. Desiree: Yeah, it’s sexy.

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Audrey: Don’t push your luck. Mom, will you behave yourself? Grandma: I can’t make any promises if she (Desiree) Audrey: (Sternly) Mom! Granddad: Mom! Grandma: (Pouting like a child) Yes, yes. I understand. Audrey: Good. Good. Desiree: Are you going to let them in now? Audrey: What? Desiree: They’ve been waiting outside for ages. Audrey: (It’s all Audrey can do to stop the wheels of her sanity from falling off). Why didn’t you say so earlier!!!!! Grandma: (Trying to wrestle the gun of Granddad) Just one shot! Blackout.

Scene Three Dane and Annie outside the front door. Annie: Was that gunshots? Dane: (Calmly) Yeah. Annie: And?! Dane: What? Annie: Dane, there are gunshots and screaming coming from your house. Dane: Don’t worry about it. It’s probably just the TV. Or Grandma and my sister Desiree. They used to fight a lot. (The light above the door comes on). There we go. 14 | Page


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They enter the house. Audrey: (From across the room) Here he is, my boy! Dane: (Coolly, keeping his distance) Hi Mom. Audrey: “Hi Mom”, he says “Hi Mom”! I had to sleep with his father (spits on the floor at the mention of the father) to make him, and he says “Hi Mom”. I fed him in my womb, him taking every ounce of energy from everything I ate. Five months of cravings for pickled herring, no less. And he says “Hi Mom”! I pushed him out of my body, like forcing a grenade down the barrel of a pistol, and he says “Hi Mom”! Dane: Mom, I was born C-section. Audrey: (With mock sincerity) Oh sorry, I apologize, they just cut me in two to get you out. That’s all. To bring you into this world I had to let some Quack gut me with a steak knife. “Hi Mom”, he says. Dane: (With irony to Annie) I don’t know why I stay away. Audrey: And this is she! Annie: Hello Mrs Black. I’m Annie. (Apprehensively reaches out to shake hands). Audrey: Did someone fart? Desiree: No! That was her talking. Audrey: What? I don’t know what you’re talking about Desiree. I just heard a fart. Desiree is a little confused. Dane: Come on Mom! Desiree, why are you talking like that? Grandma: She’s joined Greenpeace. Dane: What? Grandma: I was going to shoot her, your mother said no.

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Audrey: I heard something. (Leans towards Annie and sniffs) Yep there it goes. Rotten eggs. Disgusting. Dane: Mom, stop it! Audrey: It wasn’t me (that farted). Desiree: (Not following what is going on) Wasn’t me! Dane: Mom, please! This is my wife, Annie. Audrey: What is? I don’t see any wife. I mean, if you had a wife, I would have been to the wedding and seen you marry her. Wouldn’t I? I would have been sitting in the Church, next to your father (spits on floor again), watching from our front row seats. Wife? I don’t think so. Nothing here but a squeak and a stink. Desiree: Oh I get it! Good one mom. Dane: That’s it. We’re leaving. Annie: (Confused) Why is she being mean to me? Dane: Don’t take it personally; she’s hurting you, to hurt me. Annie: Why? Dane: (Pointedly to Audrey) You always target what’s important to someone. Come on Annie, let’s get out of here. Desiree stands in front of the door and takes out a large knife. Annie screams and stands behind Dane for protection. Desiree : (Suddenly very, very dangerous) You’ve been summoned, Dane. Dane: And what are you going to do with that knife Desiree? Audrey: (Threatening Dane) She’ll do whatever she is told, that’s what she’ll do. Won’t you Desiree? Desiree: Yup. (She continues to brandish the knife as she starts quaking like a menacing duck and circling Dane).

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Audrey: Not like her brother - (stopped by the quacking) Desiree, please (Desiree keeps quacking). Desiree. (She keeps quacking) Desiree! Desiree: Yeah? Audrey: What the hell are you doing? Desiree: I’m quacking. Audrey: Yes, you are. What the hell for? Desiree: I’m gonna cut him like that duck did you. I’m gonna C-section him. (Gestures the knife cutting open Dane’s stomach). Dane: Desiree? Desiree: Yeah? Dane: Do you think I was delivered by a duck? Desiree: (Rolling her eyes) That’s what mom said, stupid. What are you, stupid? Huh Dane? Stupid? You and your invisible wife of yours. Two stupid’s. (The menacing duck act begins again). Audrey: (Losing control) Desiree! Stop that! Desiree: What?! Audrey: Please! Just stop the damn quacking! Dane: Desiree, doctors are sometimes called quacks. Desiree: Are not. Stupid! Dane: Yes, they are. Annie: (Trying to help) Quack is derived from an archaic Dutch word "quacksalver". A "braggart who administers a salve." 16th century I think. Desiree: Who asked you, “blindy”? Dane: She’s not blind, she’s invisible. Desiree: Then how come I can see her? Stupid!

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The Audrey is shaking her head at the situation. Annie: (Still trying...) Also, the plague doctors wore masks with long beaks. So, there’s that theory too. Funny long beaks. Beak equals duck equals “quack”. Desiree: Shut up blindy! Dane: Stop calling her that! Desiree: Blindy! (She starts circling and quacking again). Audrey: Stop it! Both of you! You’re acting like children. Dane: Well don’t blame yourself. Blame the duck, sorry quack, that gutted you to deliver us. Annie: Dane, please. Dane: Don’t go taking their side Annie. Annie: I’m not taking sides, you’re all family! You’re on the same side. Audrey: I’m starting to like the little fart. Dane: (To Annie) You’ve obviously never had a family. Annie: Dane! Dane: Sorry, you’re right, that was a terrible thing to say. Desiree: You don’t have a family? Annie: No. No one close at least. Audrey: Oh you poor little fart. Dane: Mom! Audrey: What? I’m being sympathetic. Desiree: What happened to them? They…? (She makes a stabbing gesture with the knife). Dane: Oh yes they were gutted by a duck. (To Annie) Sorry. 18 | Page


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Annie: It was a car accident. A long time ago. Desiree: When? Dane: Desiree! What does it matter when Annie: 30 years ago. Audrey: 30 years? Dane: Mom, please! Annie: 1984. Audrey: ‘84? Annie: Yes, not far from here actually. You might remember the papers called me Little Orphan Annie. Audrey: (A lie) No. (She steals a glance at Grandma and they share the briefest moment of concern. Something is worrying them both). Desiree: Why? Dane: Because her name is Annie, why do you think? Annie: You know, the movie. Desiree: Oh, yeah. Annie Get Your Gun. Dane: Just “Annie”, stupid. Desiree: You’re stupid, stupid. Audrey: Stop it! Annie: Anyway, that’s all in the past. You’re my family now. Dane: And I’m so sorry that they are. Audrey: That’s lovely Dane. Thank you. Dane: So here we are. What do you want? What’s the “summons” for? Get it over with so we can get out of here. What disaster has befallen the family?

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Audrey: We don’t talk family with non-family, you know that. Desiree: You know that, stupid. Dane: She’s my wife, you talk to me - you talk to her. Desiree starts quacking and circling again with the knife. Audrey: (Giving up) For goodness sake, Desiree give it a rest. (Taking the knife from her) And give me the damn knife. Alright Dane, fine. She can listen in. What do I care? Dane: Thank you. Audrey: Your father (spits) of course is in prison. Dane: Of course. Audrey: And your father (spits) is not getting out anytime soon. They have him monitored so closely now that he can’t fart without the cops putting his shit through a strainer. Annie: Lovely. Audrey: And ya Grandfather, well he’s lost his mindDesiree: (Interrupting) Mom! Granddad: And ya Grandfather, well he’s lost his mind. Audrey: (Ignoring Granddad) What? It’s true, face the facts. I’ve been covering for those two for too long. It’s time we had a man running the family again. Desiree: Mom! Audrey: What? You want to run the business? Huh? Do you? You can barely count to ten. You’ve just been quacking like a duck. You think you’re Welsh. Face the facts Desiree, you’re a moron. Dane: Go easy on her mom. Audrey: A fact is a fact. The point is, it’s time you stopped mucking around with librarians and took your place in the family. 20 | Page


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Dane: No. Audrey: Dane. Dane: No Mom. I’m not having anything to do with this family. Audrey: Is that right? Dane: Yes that’s right. Audrey: You don’t have to decide now. Dane: It’s decided. Audrey: We’re going to the beach house for the weekend to sort this all out. Come with us. Dane: I’m not going. Audrey: Listen Dane, I know you have a few reservations Dane: Reservations? I’m not interested at all. Audrey: Just give us this weekend. If at the end of the weekend you’re still not interested you can go and we’ll never contact you again. Dane: I’m supposed to believe that? Audrey: It’s true. I swear it on the family. Desiree: (Impressed by this) Wow, on the family. Dane: You’re serious? Audrey: Deadly. Annie: (Taking Dane aside) Let’s do it. A weekend with the family at a beach house. Let me have that just once in my life. Dane: Annie, you don’t know these people. Annie: It’s just a weekend at the beach with your family Dane. Dane: They’ll be spending the entire time trying to talk me into coming home and running the business. 21 | Page


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Annie: Well you’re not going to do it are you? Dane: No. Annie: And they’ve promised to leave you alone after that right? Dane: Yeah. Annie: She’s promised on the family. I’ve read enough crime novels to know that’s a real promise. It’s just a weekend and then you’ll be free of them. That’s what you want, right? Dane: (To Annie) OK. (To Audrey) Alright, we’ll come. Audrey: Not her. Just you. Dane: What? Audrey: (Warmly) I need my new daughter to do something for me. Dane: So she’s your daughter now? Annie: I’m not coming? Audrey: (Putting on the charm and taking her hand) You could be such a big help to your new family here. What do you say, daughter? Annie: What can I do for you, “Mom”? Audrey: Nothing really. Just wondered if you could watch things here for the weekend. You know, feed the cat. Desiree: We have a cat? Audrey: Figure of speech. Dane: Mom, what’s going on? Annie, don’t trust her. Audrey: Family helps family, that’s all. And we’re going to be talking about some stuff that she’d be safer not knowing. It’s a kindness I’m doing her. Annie: She’s probably right, Dane. Better I don’t know all the details about the family business. Audrey: (Smiling broadly) So it’s settled. 22 | Page


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Dane is obviously not convinced. Lights fade to back.

Scene Four The lounge, Audrey is on the phone. Audrey: Yes I am familiar with Swiss bank accounts, of course, but I prefer to do this one in cash, call me old fashioned. How you get it out of the country is your problem. Look, we had a deal, you never stipulated payment. If you made an assumption based on past “trades” that’s your problem. No, don’t put her on. No! (pause) Hi Natalya. I will pay you in cash. Cash money. (Natalya doesn’t understand. Audrey strains to remember her rusty Russian) “YA budu platitʹ vam nalichnymi” (“I will pay you in cash”. There is a short pause as Audrey listens). Yeah that was what I was trying to say. “Cash”. Well, the Berlin wall went down in ‘89, it’s been a while since I’ve spoken your language of romance. Put Igor back on. Dane and Annie enter looking through a dusty shoe box of old photos and paper clippings. Annie: (Laughing at a photo of Dane) That is some serious Luke Skywalker hair. Dane: Oh yeah... well, that’s why it’s not seen the light of day for twenty years. Audrey: (Turning and speaking in a hushed voice) Igor? All settled? I don’t care if she’s not a 100% on this, we have a deal and I’m relying on you. OK? Good. Thanks Igor, you’re a pro. “Do svidaniya.” (Goodbye). Dane: Who are you talking to? Audrey: I’m getting someone in to help with the housework. She’s foreign. Dane: (Looking around at the mess) Just one? Audrey: Very funny. (Looks at her watch) OK everyone, out! Let’s get out of here. Where’s Desiree? Dane: (Looking out the window) She’s backing the Lincoln out. I can’t believe you still have that. 23 | Page


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Audrey: Well, I promised your father (spits) I wouldn’t sell it. So I’m letting Desiree drive it into the ground. (We hear the sound of Desiree grinding the gears and then crashing). Dane: Well she’s almost there. Audrey: Damn thing won’t die. Like that guy, in old Europe, that they couldn’t kill... what’s his name? Annie: Rasputin? Audrey: Frankenstein. Annie: Frankenstein, right. Audrey: Learn your history Annie. There’s a lot we can learn from the past. Dane: You’re preaching to the choir. Annie: “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” Audrey: (Agreeing) There you go. Annie: That was George Santayana. Audrey: (With admiration) Those Chinks huh? They know a thing or two about history. Mind you they should, they damn well all seem to live long enough. Annie: I think he was Spanish-American. Audrey: Probably got it from a Chink. Dane: (Enjoying the absurdity of the conversation) Probably did. Grandma: (Walking through with Granddad and his bags) “Only the dead have seen the end of war.” Annie: Yes, that was him too. Granddad: Yes, that was him too. 24 | Page


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Audrey: (Nodding in admiration) Those Chinks. Granddad: Those Chinks. Dane: Let me help you with that Grandma. What have you got in there? Audrey: You’re not taking any guns are you mom? We’ve been over that. Grandma: (Long suffering) No. (Pause) Just the rocket launcher. Audrey: What, and that’s not a gun? For goodness sake woman. Grandma: It’s artillery and you know it. You said guns. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Granddad: Say what you mean and mean what you say. Dane: I’m sure it’s not loaded. Granddad: (Granddad presents Annie with a grenade like it is a rose. He is very coy). Pour vous. Annie is stunned and freezes, not daring to move. Grandma: Well someone has an admirer! Audrey: (Affectionately) You old Casanova, you. Grandma: He’s still got his romantic touch, even after all these years. Audrey: Old devil. Granddad: Old devil. Grandma: (A comment she has made a thousand times) Pity you’re dealing in that North Korean rubbish. The Russian stuff was better quality. Granddad: Better quality! Audrey: There’s nothing wrong with the North Korean stuff, you old bat! Granddad: Old bat! Grandma: Yeah?

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Audrey: Yeah! Grandma: Give it here and I’ll pull the pin right now! (She grabs the grenade off Annie). Audrey: No you damn well won’t! (Snatches it off her). Dane: Ladies, ladies! (He gives Annie a kiss on the cheek) See you on Sunday. Granddad: Ladies, ladies! (He gives Annie a kiss on the cheek) See you on Sunday. Annie: OK. Have fun. Dane: (Helping Grandma with Granddad and the bags) It’s bound to be a barrel of laughs. Grandma: More like a barrel of monkeys. Granddad: More like a barrel of monkeys. Dane: I hope it’s not too dull here for you. Annie: I’ll be fine. Granddad: I’ll be fine. (Granddad starts checking his pockets). Grandma: (Tenderly) I’ve got your luger and icepick, I told you that. Granddad: (Lovingly) I told you that. Audrey: (Genuinely moved by their love) So sweet. Dane, Grandma and Granddad exit. Audrey: There’s a few things you can do to help us out this weekend. Annie: Ok, Sure. Audrey: And there’ll be a pickup. So if someone comes to the door don’t freak out. Just let her in and she’ll know what to do. Annie: Someone’s going to pick something up?

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Audrey: Yeah. (Being evasive) Just a box of stuff. Annie: (Looking around) OK. Where is it? Audrey: Oh don’t worry about that, she’ll sort it out. And be hospitable, make her a cup of coffee or something. She’s from out of town. Annie: Of course. Absolutely. When’s she coming? Audrey: Tomorrow. Annie: What time? Audrey: I’m not exactly sure. Like I say, she’s coming from out of town. That’s OK isn’t it? Annie: Yes, that’s fine. No problem. Audrey: So probably best that you don’t go out until after she’s come. Annie: Sure, I get it. She’s come a long away, it would be a real drag for her if she came all this way and no one was home. I understand. Audrey: I thought you would. Have you swept a room for electronic listening devices before? Annie: Sorry? Audrey: Bugs. Annie: Er, no. Audrey: It’s easy enough. (Pulls out a gadget) Just switch it on and wave the thing around the room. When it finds a frequency signal this will beep, this light will come on and you push the red button. It fries the circuit board of the bug. Annie: OK. Audrey: You’d think it would fry its own circuits in the process, wouldn’t you? (Thinks for a moment) Clever Chinks, eh? Annie: (Looking at the gadget with some trepidation) Right.

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Audrey: It’s getting late. Do it tomorrow morning. Annie: OK. A car horn is heard from outside. Audrey: (Yelling out the window) Don’t wait for me, I’m taking the motor bike! (To Annie) No one in their right mind would spend two hours in a car with that lot. You’re lucky to be staying here. Now, have you filled up an acid bath before? Annie: No, I can’t say I have. Audrey: Shame, I think the PH levels are on the climb. (Grabbing her bag) Well don’t worry, I can do that when I get back. (As she exits) Don’t forget the “pick up”. (Audrey has exited. Outside and yelling to Desiree) Watch out for the motor bike! (There is a crash). Why don’t you let your brother drive?! We hear the car drive off and then the motor bike start up and leave. Annie: (Suddenly feeling very alone) Bye then. Annie glances apprehensively around the room. Lights fade to black.

Scene Five. The next day. Annie is on her cell phone talking to Dane and waving around the “bug” detector. Annie: I’m fine. Yes, “sweeping the house for bugs”. Yes I realize, I’m on the phone, I can do two things at once. I am a woman. Nothing so far. Of course it’s on! (She looks at it) Uh, actually it’s not. (She turns it on and immediately it starts beeping and flashing) Hold on, it’s going crazy! (Excitedly) There must be a bug and it’s got to be close. (She moves around the room trying to find the bug. Dane tries to warn her) No, sorry Dane hold on a second. (She takes the phone away from her ear and looks at the detector. Quoting Audrey...). “this will beep, this light will come on and you push the red button. It fries the circuit board of the bug.” OK. (pushes the button on the bug detector and the beeping and flashing stop 28 | Page


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immediately). Yep, lights gone off. (Proud of herself) That was pretty cool. (Puts her phone back to her ear) OK the beeping and warning lights gone off, Dane. I must have got it. Dane? Dane? (She looks at her phone. The screen has gone blank due to the fried circuitry). Oh shit! There is a knock at the door. Annie: Coming! (Opens the door) Hello! Natalya stands at the door. Natalya (pronounced “nahTAHLyah”) is a Russian mobster. She speaks with a deep, monotonous voice and in broken English with a thick accent. Dha = Yes. Nyet = No. Any demonstration of emotion is largely limited to the movement of her one unbroken eyebrow stretching across her forehead. It’s the eyebrow version of Tom Selleck’s moustache. Natalya: Hello. Annie: You’ve come for the package, right? Natalya: Package? Annie: Yes, Audrey said someone was coming for a package. Natalya: Audrey, dha. Annie: Well come on in. (Smiling and being the host) Audrey said you’d have come a long way and to be hospitable. Natalya: (Wary) Hospital? Annie: “Hospitable”. Natalya: Who? Annie: Me, to you. Natalya: (Thinking that Annie is going to put her in hospital and reaching for her concealed gun) You, me hospital? Annie: (Not really following) No, no, Audrey said for me to... be nice. Natalya: Nyet hospital?

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Annie: No, hospital. Please sit down. How do you like your coffee? Natalya: Coffee? Annie: Yes. How do you like your coffee? Natalya: What is? (What do you mean). Annie: Coffee, black or white. (Pause) The colour of your coffee. Natalya: Black. Annie: Black. No milk? Natalya: Dha, milk. Annie: So, white then. Natalya: White? Annie: Yes, the colour. White coffee. Natalya: Nyet, white. Black coffee. Annie: You don’t want milk? Natalya: Milk, dha. Annie: (Explaining) Black coffee plus white milk equals white coffee. Natalya: (Resolute) Black coffee. Annie: (About to start explaining again but thinking better of it) OK, then. (She exits to get the coffee and calls out from off) So, where are you from? Natalya: From? Annie: Yes. Natalya: Russia. Annie: Wow, you have come a long way. (Comes back in with a coffee pot, cups, and milk). Here we go. (Pours a cup of coffee for Natalya and looks nervously at the milk. Looks up at Natalya for a clue as to whether she 30 | Page


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should add milk or not. No response. She passes the cup of coffee to Natalya and then cautiously pushes the milk closer towards her). Natalya: (There is a long pause as the two women look at each other. Suddenly Natalya takes the milk and pours some into her coffee. As she stirs it in she suddenly understands) Ah, white! Dha. Annie: There you go. Natalya: In Russia, drink tea (gestures big for lots of tea), coffee (gestures small for only a little coffee). Annie: Oh, we have tea. Would you like tea? Natalya: Nyet. Coffee, OK. (Proudly) White coffee. You name? Annie: Oh, sorry. How rude of me. (Reaches out to shake hands) I’m Annie. Natalya: (Taking Annie hand in a vice like grip) Natalya. Annie: (Trying not to let the pain show) Nice to meet you. Natalya: So, AHNna .What is you do? Annie: “Annie”. Natalya: Dha. AHNna. Annie: “Annie”. Natalya: Dha, AHNna. Annie: Ann-eeee. Natalya: AHN-naaaaaa. Annie: An-nnnn-eee. Natalya: AH-NNNNN-aaaaaaa. Annie: (Giving up) Perfect. Natalya: So, AHNnee. What is you do?

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Annie reacts to Natalya getting her name right. Annie: I am a Librarian. Natalya: What is this word? Annie: Librarian? Natalya: Dha. This one. Annie: Librarian. It means I work at a library. Natalya: What is? Annie: Books. Reading. You know books (demonstrates a book). Natalya: Dha, books, I know. Annie: I do books. Natalya: (Nodding, with admiration) Dha, cook books. Annie: Not just cook books. All books. Natalya: All books? Annie: All kinds of books. It’s a big library. Natalya: Nyet. Cook books. Dha? AHNna, cook books. Annie: (Not understanding at all what Natalya is meaning) No, I don’t cook books. (Tries some pigeon Russian) Nyet, AHNnee lots of books. Nyet, just Cook Books. Natalya: (Getting frustrated) Nyet! AHN-naa, you cook books, Dha? Annie: Cook books? Natalya: Dha, cook books. For family. Annie: (Suddenly realising what she means) No! No, I don’t cook the books! I look after books, I issue books... (realizing that these are concepts she can’t communicate to Natalya and giving up) I’m a Librarian. I work in a library.

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Natalya: Nyet, cook books? Annie: Nyet, cook books. (Changing the subject) So, Natalya, what do you do? Natalya: (She points to herself) Natalya (then makes a slitting gesture across her throat). Annie: Of course, you kill people. Natalya: Nyet. Annie: Nyet? Natalya: Nyet. I sell neckties. Annie: Oh! I’m sorry! You sell ties, I’m so sorry, of course. It’s just this place, it kinda has me jumping to all kinds of crazy conclusions. You know, “The Family”. Natalya: I joke. I kill people. Is true. Annie: Of course. Natalya: (Slapping Annie on the shoulder good naturedly) Is Russian joke. Good, Dha?! Annie: Oh yeah, that’s a real good one. Natalya: AHNna thinks Natalya is selling neckties! No killing; is good joke! Annie: (With irony) Oh yes, good joke. You kill people. Yes, Dha, is good joke. You kill people and I’m a Librarian. Natalya: What is? (What is this word Librarian?) Annie: Librarian? Natalya: Dha, this. Annie: (Ironically) Librarian means I kill people. Natalya: Of course. 33 | Page


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Annie: It’s a joke. I’m joking. Natalya: Is joke? Annie: Dha, is joke. Natalya: Is joke why? Annie: Because I don’t kill people! Natalya: You no kill people? Annie: No, I don’t kill people! Of course I don’t kill people. I’m a... forget it. Natalya: (Looking around, suddenly on edge she thinks the house might be bugged... starts speaking a little too loud to play to whoever may be listening) Is joke! Ha ha ha ha ha! Is joke, Natalya sell neckties. “Hello American tourist. You want I sell you necktie? Is Russian Flag necktie! Is nice”. (Leans close to Annie and whispers) Is no clean? Annie: What? Natalya: (Hushing her) Is no clean? Annie: I could probably do with a freshen up. Natalya: (Makes antennas on her head with forefingers). Room is no clean? (Giving Annie an understanding smile, wink and a nod) Is why you “no cook books”? Dha? Annie: What? Natalya: (Playing to the “bug”) Dha, American tourist. Red Square this way. Take photo. Is nice. Is red. Is square. Is... (she has run out of descriptions for Red Square and looks to Annie for help). Annie: Is a red square. Natalya: (Pleased with Annie) Dha, is red square. (In a whisper to Annie) Where bug? Annie: There are no bugs.

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Natalya: No bugs? Annie: No bugs. Nyet bugs. Natalya: Nyet bugs? Annie:: Neyt bugs. Natalya: Is clean? Annie: Is clean. Is clean, nyet bugs. Natalya: Then Natalya kill people. No sell neckties. Annie: (Ironically) What a relief. You’re a cold hearted killer. I couldn’t be happier. Natalya: (Trying to figure out Annie’s criminal connection to “the family”) You no cook books? Annie: Not this again. Natalya: You no cook books? Annie: No, I no cook books. Cook books, nyet! Natalya: Sell neckties? Annie: No, what?! Natalya: Is joke. Annie: You should have your own talk show. You can really bring a conversation to life. It’s a laugh a minute with you (over pronouces her name) “NahhhhhTAHhhhLyaaaaaah”. Natalya: Is laugh? Annie: Is laugh. Natalya: (Shrugging, unimpressed) Nyet. Is no laugh. (Makes slitting throat gesture) Necktie is laugh. I sell necktie. I no kill. Is laugh. Is joke. Dha. Is good joke. Annie: (Giving up) Is good joke. Dha. Is good joke. 35 | Page


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Natalya: What you do? Annie: (Giving up) Me? I sell neckties. Natalya: (Laughs) Is good joke! Annie: Are you staying long? Lights fade to black as Annie shakes her head and Natalya laughs.

Scene Six Lights come up to reveal Annie clearing away the coffee cups etc. Natalya polishing her revolver. Much of the following conversation happens as Annie comes and goes from the kitchen offstage. Annie: (Making casual conversation) Are you good at it? Killing people, I mean. Natalya: Dha. Natalya, very good at killing. Annie: (Thinking this through) Wow, that must really have an impact on your life. I mean, I can’t imagine the kind of self-confidence that must give someone, knowing that they are good at killing people. Natalya: What you say? Annie: You mustn’t be afraid of people. You must be brave. Natalya: (Shrugging) Dha. Neyt afraid. Annie: So you’re not afraid of anyone? Natalya: One person. Annie: Who? (Joking) Your mother in law? Natalya: Nyet. Rosa Botticello. Annie: Rosa Botticello? Who’s that? That’s an Italian name? Natalya: Dha. Rosa kill good. First kill 1932. She 9 years old. Start late. 36 | Page


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Annie: (Doing the calculation) She’d be 90 years old now. (Lightly) Well she’s probably long gone. You don’t need to worry about her. Natalya: Nyet! Is still alive. (Points to her heart) Has heart maker. Annie: Well she’s probably retired anyway. Natalya looks doubtful about Rosa’s retirement and is obviously a little unnerved talking about her. Natalya: Nyet. Rosa Botticello still killing. Annie: (Wanting to change the subject) So Natalya, what are you doing here? I thought you were picking up a package. Natalya: Nyet. Annie: So why are you here? Natalya: (Very matter of fact) To kill you. Annie: Sorry? Natalya: (Sympathetic pat on Annie’s knee or hand) Is nyet your fault. Annie: No, did you say you’ve come to kill me? Natalya: Dha. Annie: Why?! Natalya: Is nyet personal. Annie: It’s pretty damn personal to me! Natalya: Is OK. Just job. No problem. Annie: No, is not OK. Is problem, actually. And, it’s not a job, it’s a crime! (She starts backing towards the door). Natalya: Come, sit. Annie: Yeah, sure. I just have something out here, that I need to get you. It’s out here.

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Natalya: Nyet. Annie: No, really, from the family, they said “Make sure you give this to Natalya before she kills you”. Natalya: (Calming telling her to sit again) Sitting now. Annie: Oh yeah, absolutely, I just have to get the thing from them, the family, for you, it’s just through here and - (Annie tries to open the back door but it is unexpectedly locked). Actually, not this door, it’s the other door. Natalya: (Suddenly very, very dangerous) Ahna, sitting now! Annie: (Scuttling back to the table) Yeah, sorry. I can get the thing for you later, after I’m (swallows hard) dead. Natalya: Is no personal. Is job. Annie: (Babbling nervously) Well that makes all the difference in the world. I mean if you were killing me because you didn’t like me then I’d be really pissed off. But knowing that “it’s not personal” just makes it so much better. I couldn’t be happier. Natalya: Is joke? Annie: Is joke. Not nearly as funny as “necktie”. That’s a real good one, “necktie”. But yes, “couldn’t be happier”, is joke. Natalya: Is no laugh. Annie: No? Natalya: Nyet. Annie: OK, sure. Here, I’ll tell you a joke. Try this one on for size. Natalya: Ahna Annie: No, no, you want a joke, here’s a real good one. There’s this family, and they’re coming home from a holiday up the coast, and they’re almost home, “just two more corners kids”. Then suddenly around the corner comes this car, it’s going so fast that it crosses the center line and plows straight into the family wagon. How are you liking it so far? Is laugh? No? 38 | Page


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Well just wait, coz it’s about to get really good because the family all die except for a little girl. Miraculously she survived because the body of her mother protected her from the crushed roof. Natalya: Ahna Annie: No, no just wait. All that’s just background really to the punch line. This little girl grows up with no lasting injuries except that she’ll never be able to have a family of her own, and of course there’s the nightmares. Natalya: Ahna, you no Annie: No, no, wait, we’re almost at the punch line. You don’t want to miss the laugh. And so, this little girl grows up, marries the man of her dreams, and just starts to think that maybe life can turn out OK for her, when it turns out he’s a liar from a mob family and then she’s murdered by a Russian. A Russian who says, drum roll please, “it’s not personal”! Is laugh? Huh? Natalya? Is laugh? Because you know what, necktie is a pretty pathetic punch line compared to that! Natalya: (Who has calmly listened to the whole story points to Annie’s neck). Is scar from? Annie: Yeah, that’s where the scars from. One of my mother’s broken ribs pierced my neck. My little reminder of how fair life is. Natalya: You know family long time? Annie: What? Natalya: (Point to house) You know long time? Annie: No, I just met them yesterday. I never knew they existed until yesterday. This catches Natalya’s interest. Natalya: Met yesterday? Annie: Yesterday. Why? Natalya: Why you come to house? Annie: They summoned us. Why, who cares? 39 | Page


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Natalya: Us? Annie: My husband and me. Natalya: Where husband? Annie: They took him away... (not sure how to explain) on a little holiday. Natalya: Who husband? Annie: Dane is Audrey’s son. Natalya: Husband, son of family? Annie: Yes, so? The implications of this are starting to bother Natalya. Natalya: Who Ahna family? Annie: I don’t have a family. I just told you that. Natalya: Nyet family? Annie: (Getting frustrated) Nyet family. All dead. Natalya: Necktie? Annie: No! The car accident! Long time ago. Natalya: What do? Annie: Who? Natalya: Parents. Annie: Teachers, they were both school teachers. Natalya: Teachers? School? Annie: Yes. Dha. There is a pause as Natalya thinks. Natalya: Why you (struggles to think of the right word) important? 40 | Page


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Annie: I’m not. Natalya: Natalya get $650,000 cash money to kill Ahna. Annie: What?! Natalya: Dha, is too much. (Appraising Annie) May be one hundred and fifty. Annie: Thousand? Natalya: (Shaking head) Dollars. Annie: Thanks very much. Natalya: So, why kill you? Annie: I don’t know. They summoned us here and took Dane away. Natalya: Da, so Natalya kill you. Annie: That’s what it looks like. Natalya: Question. Why they no kill you? Annie: Isn’t that what you’re doing? Natalya: Dha. Instruction is come to house, kill Ahna here. Wait for cash money. Is problem. Annie: You think! You think that might be a problem for me?! Natalya: Is problem for Natalya. (Goes to the window and carefully peers out of the curtains). Annie: What’s going on? Natalya: (Starting to sound a little worried and looking intently at Annie) Why no kill in Ahna’s house when husband out? Or on street on way to work? Why no pay Swiss Bank? Why wait here for pay? Annie: I don’t know. Who cares? Natalya: Why Natalya kill Ahna here?

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Annie: So they can get rid of the evidence? Natalya: Nyet! Kill on street, no evidence to hide. Push in front of car. Leave body on side of road. No problem. Why make evidence in Family house? Annie: Handy to the acid baths? Natalya: Is (handy), Dha. But why need Natalya kill Ahna? Annie: I don’t know. Natalya: And why Natalya kill Ahna here? Annie: I don’t know! Natalya: Think Ahna! Annie: I don’t know! Natalya: (Smiling grimly) Is personal. Annie: Yeah, is personal, that’s what I’ve been saying! Natalya: Is to kill Natalya. Annie: What? Natalya: Natalya kill Ahna... then Natalya (does slitting throat gesture). Annie: Necktie. Natalya: Necktie. Annie: Who’s going to kill you? Natalya: (Natalya shrugs) Him who come to pay. There is a long reflective pause. Annie: So where does this leave us? Natalya: (Placing Russian nesting doll on table). Is Russian doll. Annie: Sure. 42 | Page


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Natalya: Is you. Annie: OK. Natalya: (Pulls the doll apart to reveal a second doll from inside it and takes it out. She puts the original doll back together and places it on the table). Is Natalya. Annie: OK. Natalya: (Holding up the two dolls) Natalya kill Ahna. Annie: OK. Natalya: (Pulls the second doll apart to reveal a third doll inside it and takes it out. She puts the second doll back together and places it on the table). Is? Annie: Someone else? Natalya: Of course. Is? Annie: How do I know? Natalya: (Like talking to a child... or someone intellectually handicapped... points to “Annie doll”) Is Ahna. Dha? Annie: Dha. Natalya: (Points to “Natalya doll”) Is Natalya. Dha? Annie: Dha. Natalya: (Points from “Natalya doll” to “Annie doll”) Natalya kill Ahna. Dha? Annie: Dha. Natalya: (Points from third doll to “Natalya” doll) Is? Annie: (Thinks for a moment) The person who kills you? Natalya: Dha! Annie: Who? (Natalya shrugs) Are there any more dolls? 43 | Page


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Natalya: Good! Dha, one more doll. (She takes another doll out from within the third doll). Is? Annie: The person who kills the person who kills you? Natalya: Dha! Who? Annie: I don’t know. Natalya: Think! Annie: I don’t know, Natalya. I haven’t got a clue. The Pope? Is it the Pope? How am I supposed to know who it is. Natalya: Person, you know. Annie: I know the person? Natalya: Dha. From “Family”. Annie: Dane’s mother? Natalya: (Disappointed that Annie is so dim witted) Nyet! Nyet, Mother! Annie: (Yelling in frustration) Then who! Natalya: Husband. Annie: Dane’s father is in prison. Natalya: (Pointing to Annie) Husband. Annie: Dane? (Natalya nods) No! Why? (Natalya points taps her head, telling Annie to think). Revenge for killing me. Natalya: Why? Annie: (Suddenly everything fits together for Annie) Of course. He commits murder, the family have that over him, he has to stay. And I’m out of the way. Natalya: Is good plan. Annie: But you figured it out.

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Natalya: (Scoffing at how easy it was to figure out) In Russia is national sport. We spend entire Cold War with this plan. Is “Circle of Murder”. Annie: (Pointing to the doll that represents herself) So, are you still going to kill me? Natalya: Nyet. Annie: Thank you. Natalya: Welcome. Annie: So, I’ll be moving along then Natalya: (Raising gun to Annie). Nyet. Sit. Annie: Why? Natalya: We wait for killer. Annie: Why? Let’s just go. We’ll go to the police and explain everything to them. Let’s just go! Natalya: (Shaking her head and glancing toward the window) Killer is here. Is watching. Annie: How do you know? Natalya: Know. Annie: What if there isn’t another killer? What if you’re just paranoid? (Realizes this is going to be a difficult word for Natalya). Paranoid, it means Natalya: This word I know. “Paranoid”. Paranoid, also Russian national sport. Annie: But if the other killer doesn’t come? What happens to me? Natalya: Necktie. Annie: Super. And if he does come?

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Natalya: (Picks up the doll that represents the killer and looks at it with grim pleasure) Necktie. Annie: Good old necktie. Natalya sits facing the door with her gun ready. Annie sits uncomfortably glancing between the door and Natalya as the lights fade out. Black out.

Scene Seven Annie is engrossed in a copy of Weapons Weekly which looks much like your average women’s weekly magazine only the cover shows a large grenade with the caption “Grenades: Pineapples of pain”. Natalya is pacing the room and looking outside from window to window. Natalya: No more wait. Annie: Huh? Natalya: No more wait. No come till you die. Annie: What are you saying? Natalya: You die, he come. Dha? Annie: No Dha. Dha, no. Natalya: Dha. You die, he come. Necktie. Annie: What I would give for a conversation with words of more than one syllable. I thought you said I no die... unless he doesn’t come. Natalya: (Tapping her temples) He no come till you die. You die, he come, necktie. We go. Annie: We go? What do you mean “we go?”. I’m dead, how the hell do I go? Natalya: How you say... you die, no dead?

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Annie: I die, no dead? Natalya: Dha. Annie: No, Dha. Natalya: Dha. Is trap. Annie: Trap? Natalya: Dha, trap. Is word, Dha? Trap? Annie: Yes, yes, yes! I get you. We set a trap. I pretend to die, he comes in for you and we get him. Natalya: Necktie. Annie: Well, yeah. Necktie... or maybe we don’t have to actually “necktie”... just tie him up and... (can’t come up with anything else) I don’t know what. Tie him up and run like hell. Natalya: No run. Necktie. Is Russian way. Annie: Such a “can do” country. So, I have to be killed... do you think he can see us now? Natalya: Of course. Annie: So we need something visual then. Something authentic. (pauses and a brain wave hits her). Oh, yes. I’ve got this one Natalya: Gun. Bang. Annie: (Smugly) Oh come on, you call yourself a Russian? Radioactive poison ring a bell? Huh? Alexander Litvinenko ring a bell? Natalya: (Obviously disgusted at the name) Litvinenko? (Spits on the floor). Annie: What is it with this house and spitting? Natalya: Traitor. (Spits again). Annie: Please! So that made killing him with radioactive poisoning OK? 47 | Page


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Natalya: Of course. In Russia, killing traitors with radioactive poison isAnnie: (Interrupting) National sport. Yeah, no doubt. Anyway, Litvinenko was killed by tea, radioactive laced tea. So, I sit near the window where I can be seen, and you bring me a cup of tea... you see where I’m going with this? I take a sip of the tea and then stagger around a bit, and die. Because you’ve killed me with radioactive poison Natalya: “Polonium-210”. Annie: Yeah, “Polonium-210”. Hey, did you have something to do with that? Natalya: Nyet. I sell necktie to American tourist. Annie: Sure you do. Anyway, you poison me and I die in plain view. At my death the killer takes his cue and comes in for you. He comes in, I surprise him and together we tie him up. And run like hell. Natalya: Tie killer up? Annie: Yeah, and run like hell. Natalya: (Humoring Annie) Is good plan. Annie: (Overly confident) Damn right is good plan. Natalya: Why he no kill Natalya? Annie: Because we get him. When he comes in. In the trap. Natalya: Natalya is? Annie: (Points across the room from the door) Over there, pretending to be relaxed. Acting natural. Meanwhile I’ve crawled over to behind the door. He comes in, see’s you, and I get him. Natalya: How? Annie: Huh? Natalya: How you get Killer?

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Annie: Well I, um... (obviously she hasn’t thought this part through)... I threaten him with something. Natalya: Threaten? Annie: Yeah, you know. Scare. (Makes ghost noise and gestures). Natalya: (Ironically) You die cup of tea. Trap killer with (mimics ghost noise and gestures. There is a long pause as Natalya looks at Annie. Annie is stumped) Gun. Annie: (Nervous) No... I don’t think I need a gun. Natalya: Gun! Annie: OK, gun. But no bullets. Natalya: Of course. Bullets, you shoot Natalya now and “run like hell”. Annie: I’m not going to shoot anyone. Right, let’s get ready. I’ll casually sit at the window and you bring a cup to me. But first, put a gun down behind the door. Oh, and I’ll need... (she disappears into the bathroom as Natalya sets a gun behind the door, careful to not be seen from the window). Natalya: Where to? Annie: Just getting something to add to the realism. Offstage, in the bathroom, Annie squirts some toothpaste into her mouth. This is unseen by Natalya and the audience of course. She enters the room and “casually” takes a seat at the window. She signals Natalya to bring the “tea”. Natalya rolls her eyes and brings over the tea. Natalya: (Acting, badly) Tea. Is good. You drink. Annie: Thank you. Annie takes a sip of the water in the tea cup and swirls it around in her mouth. The water mixes with the toothpaste and Annie lets it bubble out of her mouth. Natalya is surprised, Annie starts her Oscar winning death scene by staggering around the room knocking over furniture and tabletop objects, the foam is now dribbling down her chin in great profusion. Finally Annie collapses on the floor near the door. 49 | Page


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Annie: I’ll see him coming through the peep hole. Natalya: (Miming shooting her eye) Nyet! You look in hole, Bang. Annie: (Understanding) Necktie. So much for home safety. Someone (Rosa Botticello) quickly passes in front of the window. The “bug detector” beeps a couple of times as she does. Natalya: He coming! Annie: (Psyching herself up by quoting Lady Macbeth: Macbeth Act 1, scene 5, 38–43) The raven himself is hoarse That croaks the fatal entrance of Duncan Under my battlements. Come, you spirits That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here, And fill me from the crown to the toe topful Of direst cruelty! Natalya: (Very confused) What is? Annie: (A little embarrassed) Shakespeare. There is an ominous knock on the door. Natalya: (To the person at the door) Dha? The door slowly opens. It is a very, very tense moment. There is no one there. Natalya: Where is? Annie: What? Natalya: (Moving to the open doorway) Where is? Annie: (Cautiously joining Natalya) There’s no one there? Natalya: Nyet. (The “bug detector beeps). Natalya: What is? 50 | Page


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Annie: (Picking it up). Sorry, I left this on. Natalya: Is bug detector? Rosa enters the room via an internal door. She slowly starts creeping towards them with a handgun in each hand pointed at Natalya and Annie. The “bug detector beeps. Annie: That’s right. It’s picking up a stray signal. See, when it beeps and the light goes on, you push this button. Annie casually pushes the button and behind her Rosa clutches her heart and staggers away from the women. After a brief convulsion Rosa starts creeping towards Annie and Natalya again. The bug detector beeps again. Annie: (Banging the detector on her palm) That’s weird. (It beeps again) This button here, see. Annie pushes the button more deliberately. Once again Rosa clutches her heart and staggers away from the women. After a more serious convulsion Rosa starts creeping towards Annie and Natalya again. The bug detector beeps again. Natalya: Is again. Annie: Stupid thing must need resetting. Rosa is now quite close to Natalya and Annie as the bug detector is beeping frantically. Annie starts pounding the button with her finger. This sends Rosa into comic convulsions behind them. She collapses onto a couch and the beeping stops. Natalya and Annie are still completely unaware of Rosa’s presence. Annie: There you go. Stopped. The bug detector beeps once and Rosa starts coming back to life, she opens her eyes and groggily tries to stand to her feet. The bug detector starts beeping again. Natalya: (Looking at bug detector) Is again. Annie: Oh for goodness sake. (To the bug detector) Die, you stupid thing.

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Annie holds her finger firmly down on the button for a 10 seconds and Rosa flops back onto the couch, dropping her guns to the floor, spluttering and catching the attention of Annie and Natalya. Finally Rosa is still and the bug detector stops beeping. Natalya: (With a gasp of shock and wide eyed) Is Rosa! Is Rosa Botticello! Annie: Rosa Botticello?! Natalya: Dha. Annie: Is she (dead)...? Natalya: (Checks the pulse in Rosa’s neck) Dha, is dead. Annie: (Stunned) Really? Natalya: You killed, Rosa Botticello. Annie: No, I didn’t! I didn’t do anything. Natalya: (Pointing to “bug detector”). Dha, you kill. Annie: No, it fries electronic devices (sudden remembering Rosa’s pacemaker), it fries electronic devices! Natalya: Dha, fry Rosa heart maker. Annie: (Devastated) I fried her pacemaker. I killed Rosa Botticello! Natalya: She was to kill, Ahna. Annie: That doesn’t make it right! Natalya: She was to kill me. You save Natalya life. Natalya kill for you someone. Annie: I don’t think that’s necessary. Natalya: You like I kill Audrey? Annie: (Waving her gun around as she gestures frantically) No. No more killing. No one needs to be killed. It’s over anyway, isn’t it? Dane will come

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back, I will be alive, and we’ll leave and never see the family again. That’s the deal. Natalya: OK. (Pause) Careful with gun, is loaded. Annie: What? No, it’s not. Natalya: Is loaded. Annie: (Putting it down and stepping away from it nervously) Why did you load it?! You said it wasn’t loaded! Natalya: (Shrugging) Maybe Ahna need shoot. Annie: (Angry) No! I don’t need to shoot! OK?! Natalya: OK. Annie: OK?! Natalya: OK. Annie: OK! (There is a long pause as Annie calms herself down) Sorry for yelling. Natalya: Is OK. Annie: So what will you do now? Natalya: I put Rosa in (Gestures to acid bath). I go home to Russia now. One day Ahna and Natalya drink vodka in Red Square. Annie: Sounds great. You can sell me a necktie. Natalya: Is good joke. All OK for Ahna, now. Husband come home. Ahna alive. OK. All OK. Annie: OK, well it’s been quite the ride Natalya. (They hug). Goodbye. I’ll take you up on your offer of vodka in Red Square. Have a safe trip home. I think I’m going to go and throw up now. (Annie runs offstage). Natalya: (Looking at Rosa and tapping her hand on the acid bath) Time for bath. (She is very pleased with her joke and chuckles). Is good joke.

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As lights fade we hear Annie vomiting off stage.

ACT TWO. Scene One As the lights come up we see Annie nervously perched on the edge of the sofa. She’s a wreck but is doing her best to get herself together for Dane’s return as she fixes her makeup with shaky hands. There is a knock at the door. Annie: Dane! Thank goodness! (She starts rushing to the door). Finn: That’s right, it’s Dane. Will you be opening the door? Due to the thick Irish accent it obviously it is not Dane. Annie stops in her tracks and scrambles for her gun. She points it at the door. Annie: It’s unlocked, come on in, “Dane”. Finn opens the door. A stand-off. Finn and Annie are pointing guns at each other. Finn: Well, this is interesting isn’t it? Annie: I’ll shoot! Finn: It’s unlikely. Annie: Why’s that? Finn: It’s just not how these things tend to play out. Annie: Isn’t it? Finn: No. No, usually in this kind of situation, we just stand here pointing guns at each other until something unexpected or unanticipated changes the balance in someone or others favor. Annie: I see.

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Finn: So, if you have a card up your sleeve, I’d say you should play it now. (There is a long pause... nothing happens). No card? Annie: No card. You? Finn: (A quick glance behind to the open door) Donal! Donal, a little help here, if you’d be so kind. A window opens behind Annie and Donal climbs in, well actually he tries to climb but ends up falling in. The entrance is such a shambles that both Annie and Finn are totally distracted by it. He stands to his feet and points his gun at Annie. Donal: Hi, Da (Da = “Dad”). Finn: (Proudly gesturing to Donal) My card! Annie: Obviously you’re playing your joker. Finn: Where were you? We were supposed to enter at the same time. Donal: Sorry, Da. Annie: (To Donal) Put your gun down or I’ll shoot him. Donal: OK then. Finn: Donal, don’t be an idiot Donal: I don’t want her to shoot you, Da! Finn: She’s not going to be shooting me, if you’re pointing your gun at her, you feckin’ idiot. We’ve been over this before! There’s two of us. Donal: Oh, yeah, right. Sorry Da. I just kinda panicked, you know, seeing you with a gun pointed at ya. I mean she could shoot you right now. Right now. Bang and you’re dead, Da. Blood everywhere and ya brains splattered all over the wall. She’s a cold hearted killer. I can tell by just looking at her. Finn: (Yelling) Shut up Donal! Donal: Sorry Da. (Getting a little teary) You don’t need to yell! You know I don’t like it when you yell at me.

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Finn: Will you just point your feckin’ gun at her, and threaten her, and feckin’ get on with it! Donal: (Sulking) Not if you’re going to keep yelling at me! (Turning toward the window and starting to climb out) I’m going home, Da. Finn: Stop Donal, please! Will you just do as you’re told?! Donal: Don’t yell at me! Finn: Alright! Alright, I won’t yell at ya. Donal: Say you’re sorry. Finn: I am not feckin’ saying I’m sorry! Donal: (Pouting) Then I’m off home. (Goes to the window). Finn: Donal! Donal: Use my other name and I might stay. Finn: I’ve told you, I’m not Donal: Well I’ll be going then. (Starts climbing out window). Finn: Donal, come back here! Donal: No, Da. Not unless you use my other name. (He is now on the outside of the window looking in). Finn: Alright! (He rolls his eyes at the embarrassment of it all) “Mighty Chief”. Donal: (Ducks down, puts on an Indian headdress and proudly stands back up) You called? Finn: (Yelling) Yes I feckin’ called! Now get your arse back in here! Donal: Not till you apologise for yelling at me. Finn: (Completely losing control) I am not apologising! Now get in here, and point your feckin’ gun, at this feckin’ woman, before she blows my

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feckin’ brains out, or God help me I will give you a feckin’ hiding, to within an feckin’ inch, of your worthless feckin’ life!!! Donal: (Now frightened again) OK, sorry Da. (He climbs back in the window). Finn: (Trying to calm himself down) It’s alright Donal. Just do as you’re told, son. Donal: OK, sorry Da. I just don’t like it when you yell at me, is all. Finn: It’s alright, son. Just be pointing your gun at the woman here and do as we practiced. Donal: OK, right, sorry, Da. (To Annie) You’d better put your gun down you, you... you... (it’s no good, he’s lost for words. He turns to Finn for help). Finn: You can do this Donal. Donal: You’d better put your gun down you, you... oh shite. Finn: You can do it, son. Donal: No, I can’t remember it Da! Finn: (Gently prompting Donal) “Little”... Donal: Little shite! (Very proud of himself) You’d better put your gun down you little shite! How was that, Da? Finn: It was very good Donal, very good indeed, but you lost a bit of momentum with asking me what I feckin’ thought! Now threaten this woman properly and for goodness sake stop her from blowing my brains out! Donal: (His gun slips out of his hand) Don’t yell at me! I’ve dropped me gun! Finn: (To Annie) Just do it. Annie: What? Finn: Just do it. Blow my brains out. It’d be easier that way. 57 | Page


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Donal: (Scrabbling for his gun and dropping it again in panic). No, Da! Shite, I’ve dropped it again! Finn: Do it, blow my feckin’ brains out and save me from this feckin’ idiot of a son! He’s useless you know Donal: No I’m not! Finn: He is, he’s a feckin’ idiot who’s afraid of doors. Donal: I’m not afraid of doors! I just don’t trust them! Annie: I thought he came through the window to ambush me. Finn: Ambush? Him? Oh don’t make me laugh! Donal: It was an ambush! Finn: It was not! Donal: Yes it was! Annie: Oh for goodness sake you two! Finn: You couldn’t ambush a drunk in a pub with a pint of Guinness. Donal: I don’t even know what that means! Finn: That’s because you’re a useless piece of shite! Donal: Oh yeah? Finn: Yeah! Donal: Yeah? Finn: Yeah! Donal: Well I’ll show you, you little shite! (He suddenly turns on Annie and puts his gun to her head and tears her gun out of her hand and pushes her onto the couch). How about that for an ambush, Da?! Eh? Not such a useless piece of shite now, eh?! (He is very angry and dangerous). Finn: (With admiration) Well done, son. I’m very proud of ya.

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Donal: Really? Finn: Oh yes, now hand me that gun before someone gets hurt. Donal: (Passing him Annie’s gun) Here you go. Finn: Thanks. Yes, that was masterful stuff. A very proud moment. Donal: (Welling up with tears) Oh thanks Da! (His gun slips out of his hand and onto the floor). Oh shite, I’ve dropped me gun. (As he steps to pick it up he accidently kicks it under the couch). Oh shite, it’s under the couch! (He starts fishing under the couch but can’t reach it). Finn: (Pointing his gun at Annie and shaking his head in disbelief) For goodness sake, Donal. Donal: (To Annie) Sorry, but you’ll have to stand up so I can move the couch. Annie: (Standing up and rolling her eyes) Anything you say “Mighty Chief”. Donal: (Moving the couch) That’s what my name means, you see. Donal Mighty Chief. Annie: Really? Donal: Oh yeah. (He finally has his gun in his hand. He leans close to Annie and whispers with a grin) His name means “Blonde”. Finn - Blonde. That’s pretty shite, isn’t it. Annie: Oh yeah, especially compared to “Mighty Chief”. Donal: (Very pleased) I know, that’s exactly what I’m saying! (He fluffs the pillows on the couch) Here ya go, sit down. (He sits next to her. She is now his best friend) I know about names, you know. Finn: (Trying to keep his cool) Come on now Donal, let’s not Donal: (Winking at Annie) Shut up Blondie! Funny isn’t it? Huh? He was a real someone in the IRA, bombs and all that kind of shite, and with a name that means Blonde! Annie: (With irony) Hilarious. 59 | Page


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Donal: (Chuckling) Bombs and all that kind of shite and a name like Blonde! Finn: Alright Donal, that’s enough. Donal: (Winking again at Annie and smirking) Alright Blondie! Finn: Donal! Donal: Sorry, Da. Finn: Just tie her up. (Blank look from Donal) The ropes in the kit bag. Donal: That’s right, (quoting) “The ropes always in the kit bag and the ammunition too because only a feckin’ idiot would carry a loaded gun.” Annie: What? Donal: The ropes in the bag Annie: No, the other bit, about the loaded gun. Donal: Only an idiot would carry a loaded gun. You could have an accident and shoot the wrong person. Annie: You’ve got to be kidding. Donal: (Quoting again) “When you’re working in pairs, or have your victim outnumbered, never load your guns. Instead rely on the element of numerical domination in the situation”. That’s right isn’t it Da? That’s in your book. Finn: Word perfect, Donal. That was word perfect, son. Donal: Da’s writing a book. Aren’t you Da? Finn: That I am son. Donal: (Proudly) “You’d better put your gun down you little shite!” Chapter 3. Threats and Warnings. Finn: Alright Donal, that’s enough. No need to show off now.

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Donal: Sorry, Da. (Happily to Annie) See, your gun was loaded but ours weren’t, so there was a bit of tension back there for Da and I. Wasn’t there. A bit of tension. Didn’t you think so? I did. Annie: (Defeated) Yeah. Donal: What’s your name? Annie: “Annie”. Donal: Annie? (Thinks for a moment) Oh, lucky. “God has favored me”. That’s what your name means. You’re favored by God, Annie. That’s a lucky name you’ve got there. Annie: (Ironically) Oh yeah. Lucky. Finn: Shut up Donal. Blackout.

Scene Two Annie is tied up on the couch. Finn and Donal are looking into a briefcase containing the assassin’s tools of the trade. Finn: So, son. How are you going to do it? Donal: Well I thought I might try the piano wire. Finn: Really? The piano wire? For your first kill? Donal: You don’t think I should use the piano wire? Finn: You can use the piano wire if you like son. Donal: But you wouldn’t? Finn: It doesn’t matter what I would do. It’s your kill. It’s completely up to you. (Finn takes from the briefcase a roll of piano wire) You’ll be known as Donal the Pianist. (Donal looks horrified and looks down at his beltline). Before long you’ll just be Donal (points to Donal’s beltline) Dick. (Passes the wire to him). 61 | Page


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Donal: Maybe you’re right. Give me the knife. I’ll use the knife. Just like you showed me. Page 87, there’s some fantastic pictures. “Stab in straight, then 45 degree angle, and a continuous smooth but firm cut across the throat”. Finn: That sounds lovely. (Finn puts the piano wire back) Do you have a preference for a particular knife? Donal: I’ll use the number two please Da. Finn: The number two? Donal: Yes the number two. Finn: (With doubts) OK. Donal: I shouldn’t use the number two? Finn: It’s up to you, son. You can use the number two if you want to. Donal: Good. I’ll use the number two then. Finn: I personally wouldn’t use the number two because that’s generally a knife for killing a man not a woman but if you want to use the number two that’s up to you. (He passes the knife to Donal). Donal: (Full of doubts about the number two knife). OK. Finn: Off you go then. Donal: Tell you what, Da, give me the number three. Finn: The number three? Now come on lad. I can’t let you do your first kill with a number three. No, sorry I’m interfering; of course you can have the number three. (He takes out an even bigger knife and gives it to Donal). Donal: (Taking the knife) Oh is the number three bigger? I thought the number three was smaller. You know, number one is a real big bugger and then two is medium and the three is a little one for fruit and that. Finn: A fruit knife? Donal: Yeah, a fruit knife.

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Finn: Donal, son, we don’t kill people with fruit knives. No man with any pride in his profession would take a fruit knife on a job. You take a fruit knife on a job and everyone’s gonna think you’re a grocer. You’ll arrive at a job and the victims going to ask you for a dozen bananas. Do you want to be known as The Grocer? Donal: (Getting increasingly carried away with the romance of his work) No, because we’re not grocers are we, Da? No, we’re hardened killers. We’re “guns for hire”. We’re the men you call on when you have a “job” that needs getting done. We’re the sorters of problems. We’re the holders of the proud tradition of assassination. We’re Finn: Going on a bit. Donal: Oh yeah, sorry Da. Finn: So, how are you going to do this? Donal: Well, there’s a lot to consider. I don’t want to get this wrong. My first kill, it’s what I’m going to be known for, isn’t it? (Thinks for a moment) Da, if I do a botched job of this one will I get another first kill? Finn: What do you mean? Donal: Well if I do a bad job of killing her on my first kill will I get another chance at a first kill? Finn: No son, your first kill is your first kill. You don’t get a second chance. Your second kill is your second kill. That’s how numbers work. Donal: In that case I’d like some time to think it over. Finn: Come on now son; let’s just get this over and done with. Donal: No, Da. This is important. I want to get it right. Finn: (Sighing) OK. I’ll go get some lunch and after that you can do it. Donal: Great. Finn: If she gives you any trouble you can practice your slap. Donal: Is that the “I’m not taking any shite from you!” slap.

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Finn: That’d be the one, yes. Donal: (Rubbing his hands together in happy anticipation) Page 118. OK. Finn: (Grabbing his jacket and heading for the door). Back soon. Don’t talk to her. You know you’re easily persuaded. Donal: Do you think so? Yeah, maybe you’re right. Finn: Don’t do anything stupid Donal. Donal: Come on, now Da. Finn: Just don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. Donal: OK. Absolutely. Will you take the window, Da. You know I don’t like it when you use door. Finn: Donal, for the thousandth time, doorways are not something to be feared. Donal: (Conspiratorially) That’s exactly what they want you to think. Finn: I’ll be back soon. (He exits). Annie: Donal. Donal: What? No, I’m not talking to you. Annie: What are you afraid of, Donal? Donal: I’m not afraid of anything. Annie: Then why won’t you talk to me? Donal: Because I’m easily persuaded. Annie: That’s exactly what your father wants you to think. Donal: Yes it is. Annie: Why do you think that is Donal? Donal: What?

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Annie: Why do you think your father wants you to believe that you’re easily persuaded? Donal: Because I am? Annie: I don’t think so Donal. Donal: No? Annie: No, I think he wants you to believe that so that you’ll just do what he wants. Donal: No, he’s not like that. Annie: What did he say when he left? Donal: “I’ll be back soon”. Annie: No, the other thing. Donal: “Doorways are not something to be feared”. Annie: No, the other, other thing. Donal: “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do”. Annie: Exactly. See what I mean? He doesn’t want you to think for yourself. He wants to control you. Donal: Maybe you’re right. Annie: It’s not about me Donal, it’s about you and what you think. Donal: Is it? Annie: Yes, it is. Donal: (Considering this) What I think. Annie: Take the doorways for example. You know the truth don’t you? Donal: Yes! Yes, I do! I don’t trust them. It’s the way that they appear and disappear all the time. Annie: You mean when the door opens and closes? 65 | Page


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Donal: Exactly. You just wonder where they go when the door closes. Annie: (Trying to stay serious in the face of the ridiculous) Yeah, where do they go? It’s a real mystery Donal. Tell me Donal, do you still have the scar? Donal: What scar? Annie: The one from when you were dropped on your head as a baby? Donal: Oh, yes I still have that. But doorways; you don’t trust them either? Annie: Oh, no. I don’t trust them at all, “Mighty Chief”. Donal: That’s what Donal means. Annie: (Flirting) Really? I didn’t know that. It suits you. Donal: It has to right? Because it’s what my name means. It’s obvious. Annie: But not to your dad? Donal: (Glumly) No. Annie: He doesn’t understand you. Donal: No. Annie: Do I understand you, (pausing for effect) Mighty Chief? Donal: I think you do, yes. Annie: (Gesturing seductively) I tell you what Donal, if you untie me I’ll give you my bra and panties... right here, right now. Donal: Here in front of me? Annie: Yes. Donal: Right here? Annie: Right now. Donal: Your bra and panties?

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Annie: Yes Donal. Donal: You’re not tricking me? Annie: Come now Donal. What do you think? Donal: I don’t know, what would Da think? Annie: Poor old Donal, trapped by his controlling father. Unable to think for himself. Donal: Alright then! (He unties her. Very excited...) Bra and panties. In front of me. Right here, right now. Annie: Alright then. (She reaches into her overnight bag that is sitting next to the couch) . Donal: What’re you doing? Annie: (Pulling out a bra and panties) Here you go Donal. Donal: But you said Annie: (Innocently) I’ve done what I said Donal. Donal: You tricked me! Annie glances at the gun that Donal has left sitting on the couch. Donal notices her looking at it and they both lunge for it. After a brief scuffle Annie points the gun at Donal. Annie: Sorry Donal. Donal: Oh, shite. Da’s going to kill me. Finn enters. Annie grabs Donal and pushes him in front of her with the gun to his head. Annie: Not a step further. Finn: Donal, you feckin’ idiot! I told you not to do anything stupid. Annie: You told him not to do anything you wouldn’t do, didn’t you? Finn: Exactly. 67 | Page


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Annie: Because you don’t want him thinking for himself. Finn: Well you can see why! Annie: See Donal? Isn’t that exactly what I was saying? Donal: It was, yes. Finn: Donal, she’s messing with your head. (Sudden realization) Donal, is that your gun she has? Donal: Yes. Finn: And tell me son, is your gun loaded? Donal: No, Da. Finn: And tell me son, is your gun a plastic one we got you for your birthday from Toys-R-Us? Donal: Yes it is, Da. Finn: So? Donal: So? Annie: Bugger. Finn: So, a woman has an unloaded gun to your head... and you’re afraid of her why? Donal: (It slowly dawns on him) Right. I get it, Da. (Donal steps away from Annie) I’m not taking any shite from you! (He holds her underwear up to her face). And I’m not giving these back, neither! Annie: I don’t suppose I’m going to need them. Donal: So Da, is your gun loaded? Finn: Yes it’s loaded. But it doesn’t matter does it Donal, because there’s two of us and only feckin’ one of her. Natalya steps through the door with a full bottle of vodka. She puts the end of the bottle to the back of Finn’s head. He thinks it’s a gun. 68 | Page


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Annie: One? Natalya: Nyet, two. Drop gun or splatter brains over house! Donal: (Seeing the bottle) Go on then. Splatter his brains all over the house! Finn: Shut up Donal! Donal: Sorry Da. Finn: Donal, can you tell if it’s loaded? Donal: Well it’s definitely full Da, if that’s what you mean. Finn: Oh shite. Annie takes his gun. Natalya keeps the bottle to Finn’s head and moves him and Donal to the table. Natalya: Sit now. Hands on table. Annie: Why did you come back? Natalya: (Putting the vodka bottle on the table) Nyet, wait until Red Square. Drink vodka with Ahna now. Annie: Sounds like a good plan to me. Finn: (Seeing that he has been captured with a bottle of Vodka) Donal? Donal: Yes, Da? Finn: Your apprenticeship. Donal: Yes Da? Finn: It’s just not working out, is it? Donal: Have I done something wrong? Hey, Da. You should put this in the book. Finn just groans and puts his head in his hands. Lights fade out 69 | Page


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Scene Three Finn and Donal are still seated at the dining room table. Annie is standing with her gun as per previous scene. Natalya is counting the Russian nesting dolls. Sure enough there was another doll in the nest that she hadn’t noticed when she used the dolls to explain the circle of murder to Annie earlier. Natalya: (To Annie) Is another doll. Of course. Annie: (Ironically) Of course. (Leveling gun at the men) Now gentlemen it’s time for you to pay for your sins and make some promises to me. Finn: Promises? Annie: Yes, promise on your families that you will not harm me, or allow harm to come to me or anyone I care about. Pretty straight forward mobster stuff I would have thought. But that’s the easy part. The payment for your sins is another matter entirely. (She takes out a fruit knife and puts it on the table before them). Fingers. Left hand I think... a pinkie finger will do fine. No need to take a finger you might actually need... which I admit is a little off the point*... but there’s no reason to go crazy here. I’m not an unreasonable person. Natalya: (Looking to the others) What is? Finn: She wants me to cut off my little finger. (He gestures) Finger, chop. Natalya: OK. Finn: Who do you think you are you little shite? Japanese Yakuza? If you’ll be thinking that I’ll be cutting off me finger, you’re in for a disappointment. Donal: That’s right. You little shite! Do you think you’re a feckin’ Yakuza? Annie: Actually Donal, you don’t have to cut off your little finger. Donal: Well thank the good lord for that. Annie: Yes do thank him. No, you’re going to cut off your other “pinkie”.

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Donal: My what? Annie: Your other pinkie. (She points the gun towards his belt line). Donal: Oh good lord, no! Finn: Calm down, Donal. I can find a way out of this. Annie: You can, can you? Finn: Yes you little shite I can. Annie: Well, this sounds like fun. Finn: Donal and I could rush you. Annie: And what about my little friend here (points to gun)? Finn: You’ll only get one shot off... so that’s a fifty-fifty chance with Donal and I. Not bad, I’ve had worse. And then of course you might not even kill the one you hit. So you’ll have to start wondering how useful your little friend is. Won’t you, you little shite. Donal: Little shite! Annie: You’ve obviously thought this through Finn. Finn: That’s right, I have. Annie: You’re a very clever man, Finn. Finn: That’s right, I am. Annie: You quite fancy your chances on a fifty-fifty bet? Finn: I do. Annie: Well let’s do something about those odds. Natalya: Natalya get gun? Annie: No, thank you Natalya. I’ve got this. Natalya: (With respect) OK.

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Annie: I think I can do something myself, about those odds you so fancy. If you two rush at me I’m just going to shoot at you Finn. Just you. So tell me Finn, what does a clever man do when the odds are lowered from fifty-fifty to “sure thing”. Natalya: (Natalya smiles and chuckles) Dha. Dha, is good. Finn: Donal would kill you. Annie: Absolutely, as long as I didn’t step through a doorway. But what do I have to lose? I have no family. You’re going to kill me if you get free anyway. Donal: No we won’t! I promise! Finn: Yes we will Donal. And she knows it. Donal: But Da! Finn: Shut up Donal. Annie: So, I repeat, Finn, what does a clever man, like yourself, do with those kind of odds? There is a long pause as Finn considers his options. Finally Finn takes the knife, and with steely eyes fixed on Annie, chops off his finger. There is pain, but he is refusing to let it show. About now your props master is thanking the Walmart for their Halloween props. Donal: No da! Annie is trying very hard not to gag. Natalya is nodding in appreciation of Finn’s bravery. Finn: (A little out of breath and speaking through gritted teeth) I’d do that, you little shite. (He holds up the severed finger). I’ll not harm you or your people. I swear it on my family. Annie: (Her strength returned) You are a clever man, Finn. Donal? Time for your “pinkie”. Donal: No, please! Finn: Come on now, you can’t ask a man that! 72 | Page


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Annie: Actually I can. (She points the gun at Donal’s beltline. Donal whimpers pathetically and picks up the knife. He starts undoing his trousers). Alright that’s enough, I was just joking. Donal: What? Annie: I’m messing with you Donal. Do your trousers up. Natalya: Is joke? Annie: Is joke. Natalya: (Smiling with appreciation) Is laugh. Annie: Yeah, I think I’m starting to get the Russian sense of humor at last. (To Donal) I’ll just take your little finger. Finn: Let me do it for him. Donal: Da! Finn: I mean, let me take another of mine for him. Spare the boy. Donal: No, Da. I’ll take me medicine. Finn: Shut up Donal. Missy? Annie: (With admiration) You’d really do it for your boy, wouldn’t you? Finn: Of course, what father wouldn’t? Donal: No, da! Finn: Missy? Annie: That’s very noble of you Finn. Donal, make your promise to me and I’ll spare your finger. But don’t forget your debt to your father. Finn, one finger from you was enough. Don’t you forget your debt to me. Finn: (With respect) Thank ya. I won’t. Promise the lady Donal. Donal: I promise I’ll not harm you or your people. Annie: Swear it on your family.

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Donal: I swear it; I swear it on my family. May my father die a horrible death if I break my promise. Finn: Well thank you very much. Annie: Now, how about we open that bottle of vodka? Natalya? Finn: I’ll fetch some glasses from the kitchen. (He stands, Annie gives a worried look to Natalya. Can she trust him?). Natalya: (Reassuring Annie) Is OK. (Finn exits to the kitchen for the glasses). Is family now. Annie: What? Natalya: (Gesturing towards Finn) Is family now. Ahna’s family. Annie: What are you talking about? Donal: We’re sworn to you. We’re a “Family” now. You’re our Mother. Why else did you have Da, cut off his finger? Annie: Oh dear. Finn: (Entering with bigger than usual glasses) These were the best I could find. (He picks up the bottle and pours a regular amount in each glass. Everyone looks to Annie for the OK to drink). Annie: Bottoms up... kids. Finn, Donal and Natalya: Bottoms up! They all throw back their drinks. Finn: Now, I’d like to know what the hell is going on here this weekend. Who the hell are you? Annie: This is Natalya. Natalya: She (Annie) saved my life. Annie: This is the woman that was supposed to be killed by the woman that you were supposed to kill.

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Finn: So who the hell are you? Annie: I’m a librarian. Donal: (Lets out a yelp in shock and is wide eyed in horror) No! No wonder we didn’t stand a chance Da! Annie: (Ignoring Donal) I’m the woman she was supposed to kill. Donal: So, where’s the woman that we were supposed to kill? Natalya: Taking bath. Finn: Here? (in the house). Annie casually points to the acid bath drum behind them. Donal looks in and goes pale. Natalya: Vodka? Donal: (Trying not to throw up) That would be nice, thank you. Finn is about pour another round but Natalya stops him. Natalya: In Russia Vodka national sport. She pours outlandishly large shots. Annie: Then you must be on the Olympic team. Bottoms up! Finn, Donal and Natalya: Bottoms up! They all throw back their drinks with varying levels of competency. Donal chokes on his vodka, and to the amusement of the others, throws up into the acid bath. Donal: I’d prefer a Guinness if you had one. Annie: I bet you would. You three really are walking clichés. Donal: (Assuming that must be a compliment of some kind) Thanks. Annie: What are you doing here, Donal?

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Donal: I’m an assassin in training. Aren’t I, Da? I’m learning the family trade. Annie: But you’ve not been doing this long, have you? Donal: No. This is my first week on the job. Finn: And you’re shite at it. Donal: Da! Finn: Well son, face the facts. On your first “hit” you had a librarian almost make you cut off your “other pinkie”. You let them ambush me with a bottle of vodka. You’re shite at this, and there’s no questioning that. (To Annie) It was to take his mind off Maeve. Donal: (Wistfully) Maeve. Oh, she was trouble for me, Maeve was. Finn: That she was. Donal: I should have known. Maeve means “intoxicating”... and she certainly made me go out of my mind. Annie: So what we’re seeing is the sane version of you? Finn: Oh yes. He’s in top form at the moment... I admit you probably can’t tell, but this is Donal on top of his game. Donal: I just want to settle down with a nice woman. (Putting on his charm) Are either of you beauties looking for love with an Irish love leprechaun? Annie and Natalya: No! Annie: I think you’d suit my husband’s sister. Donal: What’s her name? Annie: Desiree. Donal: Desiree? She sounds perfect! I’ll marry her. Annie: Really?

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Donal: Desiree, it means Desired One. Annie: Don’t you want to know more about her? Donal: Like what? Annie: What she’s into, what she looks like, you know... color of her hair. Donal: (Slyly) As long as she’s not blonde, I don’t like blondes! Annie and Finn laugh. Finn: Cheeky bugger. Natalya: Is joke? Annie: Dha, is joke. Natalya: (Standing) Natalya go home. To Russia. Annie: It hasn’t been a very profitable job for you, sorry. Natalya: (Happily) You kill Rosa Botticello. More work now for Natalya. Annie: Well I’m so pleased I’ve played a part in increasing your market share in... (can’t really bring herself to say murder) what you do. They hug and as Natalya exits... Natalya: Come to Russia, drink Vodka, Red Square. You need necktie, call Natalya. (Exits). Donal: What a nice lady. Annie: What are you two going to do now? I don’t think you have to worry about Audrey’s plan to kill you. Finn: I’d like to have a chat with Audrey. Annie: I thought you might. Lights fade to black. * The origin of Yakuza finger cutting or “Yubitsume” may be related to Japanese swordsmanship where the little fingers' grip is the tightest on 77 | Page


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the hilt. A little finger-amputee was therefore unable to grip his sword properly, weakening him in battle and making him more dependent on the protection of his boss. Heartwarming stuff.

Scene Four Sometime later. Finn and Donal are playing the only card game Donal could ever hope to master… “Snap”. Annie is practicing quick-draws with a revolver... she’s pretty terrible at it. Donal: Snap! Finn: No Donal, the two cards have to be the same. Donal: Well that’s not going to happen very often, is it! Finn and Annie exchange looks and roll their eyes. Suddenly there is a knock at the door. Annie gestures for Finn to check it out. Finn cautiously goes to the door and looks out. Finn: It’s a feckin’ big box. Give me a hand Donal. Donal (having exited via the window) helps Finn bring a refrigerator box into the lounge. When Donal gets to the doorway he disappears and then scrambles back in through the window. Donal: Should we open it? Finn: I suppose so. Annie: Wait. Audrey didn’t say anything about a delivery. Finn: She didn’t expect you to be alive at this late stage though did she? Annie: No. But something’s not right. It’s something she said... “There’s a lot we can learn from the past”. (A eureka moment) It’s a Trojan Horse! Donal: What? Annie: “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” There is someone in that box. 78 | Page


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Finn: We’ll see about that! (He takes a gun and shoots into what looks like air holes in the box). Annie: No! Finn: Look inside Donal. Donal climbs onto a chair and looks in the top. Finn: Dead? Donal: Dead. Audrey: Who is it? Donal: Westinghouse. Audrey: Westinghouse? Donal: I think you’ve killed a fridge. Finn: (Feeling foolish) We’ll just pop this back outside and then have a look around out there. Come on Donal. Donal and Finn head for the door. Donal thinks better of it and climbs out the window. Finn shakes his head and goes out the door. Just as the door closes Audrey enters from an internal doorway with gun raised. Audrey: If you want a job done properly you’ve got to do it yourself. Annie: (Surprised) Hello Audrey. Audrey: In this case, if you want your daughter in law killed, you’ve got to do it yourself. Annie: That’s what all this has been about though, hasn’t it? Audrey: What? Annie: You couldn’t do it yourself. Audrey: No, of course. That’s hardly going to win Dane’s heart is it? Son comes home to find wife murdered by his mother.

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Annie: But why go to such ridiculous lengths? Russians, Italians, Irish. It was practically assassination by United Nations. Don’t you think it was a little over kill? Pun intended. Audrey: No. You’re missing the point. Dane comes home to find his wife murdered in a confusing scene of dead assassins and a former member of the IRA holding a smoking gun. You think he’s going walk away from that? No, I know my son. He’d take it all out on the Irishman. And then my boy’s back with the family. Annie: So why are you here? Audrey: Well I needed to check everything was ready for Dane. Just as well I did. Annie: Yeah, well, it’s hard to get good help these days. Audrey: It’s an employer’s nightmare out there. (Running a finger through some blood from the tabletop) Whose is this? (With some admiration) I’ve underestimated you. Annie: There’s been a bit of that this weekend. (Referring to the blood) The Irishman. Audrey: I’m normally a pretty good judge of character. I wouldn’t have picked you for a survivor. Annie: As it turns out, if there is one thing I am, it is a survivor... I always have been. Audrey: (Understanding reference to the car accident) Yes, that. Annie: Yes, that. Audrey: It was an accident of course. Annie: I know. Audrey: I don’t mean for you. Annie: Sorry? Audrey: Our accident.

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Annie: What are you saying? Audrey: We were in a bit of a hurry. It was the early days; we had to do a lot of the leg work ourselves. You know how it is with a small family business. Long hours, you’re on the “tools” and working all hours just to make ends meet. Annie: (Cynically) Must have been tough. But you’ve made such a decent go of it, and achieved so much. You’ve done so well for yourselves. Audrey: We owe it all to you actually. Annie: And how’s that exactly? Audrey: Well, if we hadn’t caused your “little accident” Annie: (Suddenly realising that Audrey is saying she caused the deaths of Annie’s family) “Little accident”? My family were killed! Audrey: - we’d most likely have been caught that night. We were we such amateurs. The cops were obliged to stop and offer your family assistance. Bless them. Our little bank job was suddenly not a priority for them. Annie: (Bitterly) Neat how things work out. Audrey: My husband’s a terrible driver. Lucky I was driving, or else we probably would’ve suffered the same fate as your family. Annie: So you should thank me? Audrey: Should. But won’t of course. Annie: Of course. Audrey: Of course. Annie: Two questions... before this is all “settled”. My last requests if you will. Audrey: Yes? Annie: When did you know who I was?

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Audrey: Not until you arrived actually. Prior to that I just thought you were some bimbo, who had stolen my son from me, and was getting in the way of him taking his rightful place with the family. Annie: Oh to be just some bimbo. Audrey: Of course as soon as Dane started seeing you, I had you checked out for gang connections. You were as clean as a whistle... the irony was that you were connected to us... didn’t cross my mind to check for that. Annie: And Dane, how does he fit into all this? Audrey: What do you mean? Annie: Does he know about the accident? Your side that is? Audrey: No. Not a clue. It’s just Fate I suppose. Our families seem destined to collide. Pun intended. Perhaps your marriage was to punish me for what happened with your family. Annie: Perhaps. Audrey: Or perhaps it was fate telling me to finish what we started. If there’s one thing that’ll undo someone in our business it’s loose ends. That’s the whole “circle of murder” thing. Closing the circle ties off all the loose ends. And that’s really all you are... a loose end that needs tying off. A little bit of frayed string. Annie: And the Irishman? Audrey: Another loose end, but it looks like you’ve taken care of him for me. Annie: Yes, he’s all taken care of, and the rest too. Audrey: Good. Good. You’ve done remarkably well. Annie: And the figurative cat’s been fed. Everything on the list is done. Audrey: Good. (Suddenly threatening) So there’s just one loose end then. Annie: Yes. Finn steps through the door pointing his gun at Audrey. 82 | Page


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Finn: That would be you wouldn’t it, Audrey? The loose end. Audrey: Oh shit. (She doesn’t dare move as Finn approaches and puts the gun to her head) Annie: Yes. Yes, that about sums it up. (Finn takes Audrey’s gun). Thank you, Finn. Perhaps you’d be so kind as to tie her up. Careful with your finger though. Finn: Right you are. (He ties Audrey’s hands in front of her) Annie: You can go now. Finn: You’ll be alright then? Annie: Yes. Thank you, Finn. Oh, and Finn? Finn: Yes? Annie: Do send me your book, I’d be very happy to edit it for you. I was serious about that. Finn: Thanks very much. I will. (Finn exits). Audrey: Finn’s working for you? Annie: I’ve managed to start a little family of my own, Audrey. Audrey: I have underestimated you. Annie: (Picking up a grenade and putting it in Audrey’s bound hands) Now, I understand that you must hold the handle on these things quite firmly when you pull out the pin as releasing the handle will make it go “bang”. That’s right isn’t it? (Audrey nods) Good. So hold that real tight because I’m (she pulls the pin out) pulling this out. What you’re wondering, of course, is how long you can hold onto that. Maybe you have Dane coming home soon. Maybe he’s waiting for your call... in which case you could be holding onto that for quite some time. Eventually sleep will overtake you and you’ll wake up in hell. Audrey: (A threat) I could drop it now. Annie: Go on. It would tie up all your loose ends. (Suddenly aggressive, she kicks the chair and yells at Audrey) Drop the damn thing! (She waits 83 | Page


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for Audrey to do it). No? You’re pathetic. Promise me you’ll leave me alone. Dane too and I’ll take that off you. Swear it on your family. Audrey: I swear on my family I’ll leave you alone, you and Dane. Annie: (Taking the grenade) You’re indebted to me Audrey. Audrey: I know. Annie: Then again maybe I don’t want your promises and debt. Remember what Grandma said, “Only the dead have seen the end of war.”(She puts the grenade on the table and releases the handle). Audrey: No! There is a long pause Audrey is cringing from the imminent explosion. Annie: Bang! (Audrey screams. Annie mimics Natalya) “Is joke”. (Flippantly) It’s a dud. You deal in crappy arms, Audrey. You should be ashamed of yourself. A car is heard arriving and then doors slamming. Dane and the rest of the family are arriving home. Annie unties Audrey and puts the grenade on the corner of the table. Annie: You took everything from me. I’m taking everything I can from you. I’ll be starting with your son. Dane enters. Dane: Ready? Annie: Yeah. Audrey: Had we met in other circumstances, you would have made a worthy addition to “the family”. You know, we could use someone like you. Annie: Go to hell, Audrey. Dane: (Shocked at Annie’s forthright response) Easy there Annie, please. That’s my mother. Annie: Sorry Dane. (To Audrey) I deserve better. Dane, let’s go. (She picks up her bag and leaves). 84 | Page


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Dane: She’s probably just tired. Audrey: That’s quite some woman you’ve got there. Dane: Bye Mom. You made a promise, I expect you to keep it. Audrey doesn’t say anything, but simply nods. She knows that she has lost her son. Dane exits and the lights immediately come up outside the house as he and Annie leave the house talking. The lights are slowly fading inside the house as Audrey exits to offstage carrying the weight of having lost her son. Dane: You know, it’s kinda weird but I think mom actually likes you. What were you talking about when I came in? Annie: Chit chat, that’s all. Dane: (Disbelieving) My mother, chit chat? Annie: Girl stuff. (Changing subject) How was your weekend? Dane: Actually, I have to admit it was nice to see everyone. They were all very well behaved, Mom especially. (Chuckling) Knowing her, she was probably up to something. Annie: (Innocently) Really? Dane: Who would know? Must have been pretty dull for you though. Annie: It wasn’t that bad. I managed to keep myself busy. Dane: I’m sorry about lying to you, Annie. I should never have kept my family a secret. Annie: Well, your family is complicated. Dane: Yeah. Annie: Promise me one thing. Dane: Anything. Annie: No more surprises.

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Dane: I promise. Annie: Good. Dane: How about next weekend we have a proper time away. Annie: That’d be nice. This weekend kinda went up in smoke. A tight spot light comes up in the lounge revealing the grenade on the table. It is ticking. Dane: Yeah. Annie: Come on. (She looks lovingly at Dane, takes his hand and starts to exit). As they walk away the lights fade out leaving the ticking grenade lit on the table as the only remaining light. The spotlight suddenly goes out and a huge explosion is heard as the grenade finally explodes. In the distance a fire engine siren starts.

End.

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Props List

Bug detector gadget (Audrey) Cell phone (Audrey) Cell phone (Annie) Coffee cups (Annie) Milk jug (Annie) Vodka bottle (Natalya) Knife (Desiree) Knives (Finn and Donal) Kit bag (Finn) Piano wire (Finn and Donal) Rope (Finn and Donal) Bra and panties (Annie) Weekend travel bags (Grandma, granddad, Dane, Annie, Audrey) Motor bike helmet (Audrey) Fruit bowl Drinking Glasses (Finn) Playing cards (Annie) Shoe box of family photographs (Dane) Gun polishing cloth (Natalya) Various guns (Finn, Donal, Natalya, Audrey, Annie, Rosa) Russian nesting dolls (Natalya) 87 | Page


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Knife for cutting off Finns finger (Annie) Bandage (Finn) Finns Finger (Audrey) Grenade (Granddad) Bag (Natalya)

Sound Effects Beeping for bug detector Motor bike starting and leaving Car starting and crashing Car arriving Explosion Gun shot Ticking bomb Sirens in the distance

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Other Plays By Devon Williamson My Inlaws are Outlaws Cast: Flexible casting with 4 to 6 female and 2 to 4 male actors. Length: Two Acts (110 minutes) Genre: Comedy Annie discovers her in-laws are outlaws... and her mother in-law has hired a mad group of assassins to kill her! How will Annie, a mild mannered Librarian, outwit the best of the Italian, Russian and Irish contract killers? This is outrageous; laugh out loud comedy at its best. The Old People Are Revolting Cast: 5 Female / 2 Male Length: Two Acts (120 minutes) Genre: Comedy The Old People Are Revolting! is a hilarious comedy about seniors seeking revenge! The residents of the Sunshine Retirement Village have had enough: they're revolting! Fed up with being ignored, and relegated to the sidelines of life they've decided to prove to the world just how dangerous seniors can be! Bursting with eccentric characters and crazy shenanigans the play is great fun to stage and a huge audience pleaser. How To Train Your Husband Cast: 5 Female / 2 Male Length: Two Acts (120 minutes) Genre: Comedy This madcap comedy addresses an issue close to every woman's heart –how to train your husband! Sound impossible? Not when you have a legendary Husband Trainer living right next door. The play follows the adventures of three generations of the Smith family as they attempt to turn their men into fully trained members of the opposite sex. Nothing quite goes according to plan and the result is a hilarious comedy with plenty of unexpected twists and turns. Understanding Women Cast: 3 Male / 1 Female Length: Two Acts (110 minutes) Genre: Comedy Mike, Dave and Julian spend a weekend in a garden shed determined to break an age-old mystery. Armed with a case of beer, a box of girlie 89 | Page


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magazines and a holy book they are going to "understand women". What they discover is not quite what they expected. Understanding Women is a comedy play for both sexes! Crazy Ladies Cast: 5 Female / 1 Male Length: Two Acts (110 minutes) Genre: Comedy Pamela Browne has organized a 25 year reunion for her four best High school friends. From the moment Kay, now a chocoholic gun toting funeral director, arrives the wheels begin falling off Pamela’s meticulously planned weekend. Added to the mix is Sandy, who is now a Nun, Dianne, married the school nerd and a mother of eight sons, Rachel, a runaway teenager on a mission to dig up some dirt on her mother, and Shaun, the greasy motel janitor. This outrageous comedy is a rollercoaster ride of emotion. Menopause Made Me Do It Cast: 5 Female / 1 Male Length: Two Acts (120 minutes) Genre: Comedy It has been ten years since the last reunion of the Crazy Ladies. Menopause has arrived and the ladies are crazier than ever. The mission is to convince Kay, the gun totting tom-boy, to marry Shaun (the guy she once kidnapped and held accountable for the sins of all men). Hilarious... poignant... utterly mad. While this is the second "Crazy Ladies" play, it can be performed with or without a prior production of the original "Crazy Ladies". My Husbands Nuts Cast: 3 Female / 2 Male Length: Two Acts (120 minutes) Genre: Comedy Barbara's husband is missing on the family farm. When Jack finally returns he is a nervous wreck and will not leave the house... he is suffering from Agri-phobia (the fear of agriculture)... and is convinced that he is Hiroo Onoda - a Japanese soldier holding out on an island after world war Two. Barbara's husband is nuts. The only people she can trust with this information is the new vet and the village idiot. How will they restore Jacks mind without the help of the medical profession... or common sense?

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Lost for Words Cast: 2 Male / 2 Female Length: Two Acts (100 minutes) Genre: Comedy For the past 25 years Edwin Miles has been an announcer for Classical Music FM. Ratings have plummeted and his station manager, a heel clicking German, has bought out the local Reggae station to increase market share. Edwin is now working for "Radio Reggae" and sharing a studio with a white guy who is convinced he is Jamaican. Add to the mix a mute receptionist and Lost for Words is a side splitting comedy that will have you rolling in the aisles.

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My Inlaws are Outlaws - USA and Canada Edition  

From the writer of "The Old People Are Revolting", comes the new hit comedy "My Inlaws are Outlaws". Annie discovers her in-laws are outlaws...

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