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My Husbands Nuts Š 2009 Devon Williamson Do Not Copy Without Permission

My Husbands Nuts By Devon Williamson

(International Edition) 1|My Husbands Nuts


My Husbands Nuts Š 2009 Devon Williamson Do Not Copy Without Permission

My Husbands Nuts (International Edition) Š 2009 Devon Williamson Do not copy, distribute or perform without permission. All rights reserved. For performance information please contact:

USA Theater's please contact: ComedyPlays.Net Email: info@comedyplays.net Web: www.comedyplays.net Australian Theatre's please contact: David Spicer Productions Web: www.davidspicer.com/author/devon-williamson Email: david@davidspicer.com Phone: 02 9371 8458 New Zealand Theatre's please contact: The Play Bureau Web: www.playbureau.com Email: play.bureau.nz@xtra.co.nz South African Theatre's please contact: Web: www.dalro.co.za/index.php/theatricals-permission Email: theatricals@dalro.co.za Phone: +27 (0)11 712-8330 Rest of the world please contact: ComedyPlays.Net Web: www.comedyplays.net Email: info@comedyplays.net Information on other plays by Devon Williamson is also available at his website: www.comedyplays.net

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My Husbands Nuts © 2009 Devon Williamson Do Not Copy Without Permission

About the Play... Barbara's husband is missing on the family farm. When Jack finally returns he is a nervous wreck and will not leave the house... he is suffering from Agriphobia (the fear of agriculture!)... and is convinced that he is Hiroo Onoda - a Japanese soldier holding out on an island after World War Two. Barbara's husband is nuts. The only people she can trust with this information are the new Veterinarian and the village idiot. How will they restore Jack’s mind without the help of the medical profession... or common sense? Characters... 1. Jack Fitzgerald – local farmer and living legend in the community, husband to Barbara. 2. Barbara Fitzgerald – local farmer, wife to Jack – becomes Kozuka in Jack's mind. 3. Charlie (Charlotte) – daughter to Jack and Barbara. Childhood friends with Terry. Constipated. – becomes Shoichi Shimada to Jack. 4. Jo – Veterinarian, just graduated, looking to establish herself in the community – becomes Norio Suzuki in Jack's mind. 5. Terry McLeod – local home alarm installer with dreams of law enforcement– becomes Yuichi Akatsu (the deserter) in Jack's mind. Childhood friends with Charlie. A Vegetarian, the kind that has to tell everyone. Socially awkward. Set... The play is set in the dining room/lounge of Barbara and Jack's house over several days.

Scene 1: I'm Jo Robinson. Jo in a tight spot light reads a number off a list and dials. The phone rings twice before lights come up on Jack and Barbara's lounge, Jack is reading a newspaper. He looks over the top of it towards Barbara. They are inside which means answering the phone is one of Barbara's jobs. Barbara has her arms full of dolls and teddy bears. Barbara: You'll have to get that. (There is a pause as phone continues to ring) Jack, I have an arm full of Charlie’s little friends here, you'll have to get 3|My Husbands Nuts


My Husbands Nuts © 2009 Devon Williamson Do Not Copy Without Permission

that. Jack grunts, unimpressed. He picks up the phone and puts it to his ear, he doesn't say anything. There is a long pause as Jo waits for the person on the other end to say something. Jack: (To Barbara) It's for you. Barbara sighs, dumps the toys onto the couch and takes the phone. Barbara: Hello? Jo: Hello. This is Jo Robinson Barbara: Who? Jo: Jo Robinson Barbara: I think you've got the wrong number. Jo: No I don't think so, this is Jo Robinson and Barbara: Jo Robinson? Jo: Yes Barbara: Sorry, do I know you? Jo: No. I Barbara: Jo Robinson? (To Jack) Do you know a “Jo Robinson”? Jack continues to read his paper and shrugs his shoulders. Jo: I'm calling for Mr Fitzgerald. Jack Fitzgerald. Barbara: Oh, he's right here. (Handing the phone to Jack) It's for you. Jack: Who is it? Barbara: Jo Robinson. Jack: (Not taking the phone) Who's that? Barbara: I don't know. Jack: What's he want? Barbara: She. Jack: She? 4|My Husbands Nuts


My Husbands Nuts © 2009 Devon Williamson Do Not Copy Without Permission

Barbara: Yes. (Jack is still not taking the phone) Probably short for something. (pause) Jo-anne. Jo-anna. Jo... (there's a pause, she's distracted and thinking hard for another Jo- name)... “pert”. (She notices the toys on the couch, and distracted by them she hangs up the phone, and begins to pick up the toys). Jo: Hello? (To herself) She hung up. Jack: (Looks up from his paper) What did she want? Barbara: Who? Jack: “Jo-pert”. Barbara: (Looks blankly at Jack before realising that she has hung up on Jo). Oh! I don't know. Jo redials the number, the phone rings at the Fitzgerald's. No one is answering. Barbara: (Nodding towards her arm full of toys) Jack, you'll have to get that. (The phone continues to ring). Jack! Jack picks up the phone reluctantly. As before, he says nothing. There is a pause. Jo: Hello? Jack: (To Barbara) It's for you. (He puts it down on the table and goes back to his paper). Jo: Hello? Barbara: (Dumping the toys again and sighing, picks up the phone). Hello? Jo: Oh, hello! This is Jo Robinson again. We must have got cut off. Barbara: (Matter of factly) No, I hung up on you. Jo: (Not sure how to take that) Oh. Barbara: (Explaining) My daughter's coming home, I'm taking the teddy's off her bed. Jo: (Struggling to find the relevance) OK... Great. Can I talk to Mr 5|My Husbands Nuts


My Husbands Nuts © 2009 Devon Williamson Do Not Copy Without Permission

Fitzgerald? Barbara: Sure. Jack it's for you. Jack: Who is it? Barbara: Jo Robinson. Jack: What does he want? Barbara: She. I don't know. Jack: Not now. Barbara: (To Jo) Not now. Jo: Oh, Ok. Should I call back later? When would suit? Barbara: (To Jack) When do you want to talk to her? Jack: (Shrugs his shoulders) What does he want? Barbara: She. Don't know. (To Jo) What do you want Jack for? Jo: Right, sorry about that. I'm the new Veterinarian and I was just wondering if there is a time I can come over and talk to Mr Fitzgerald about his veterinary needs. Barbara: It's the new Veterinarian. Wants to talk to you. Jack: What about? Barbara: Your “veterinary needs”. Jack: Already got a Veterinarian. Dean. Barbara: (To Jo) Already got a Veterinarian. Dean Lane from Rural Veterinary Services. Jo: Yes, I know. It's just that I'm new in town, and setting up a practice, and am making contact with farmers in your area... so I'm wondering if I could come out and meet Jack... and yourself, of course. Barbara: Wants to come out and meet us. Jack: Busy. Barbara: Sorry Jo, we're a little busy. Tell you what, next time we're in town we'll call in and see you. 6|My Husbands Nuts


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Jo: (Obviously disappointed) OK. Look, can I be honest with you Mrs Fitzgerald? Barbara: Of course. Jo: My problem is that none of the other farmers will meet with me until I've met with Jack. Barbara: (Understanding completely) Of course. Jo: What's with that? Barbara: That's just the way it is around here. Jo: So... (“so do you think I could talk to him?”) Barbara: So, we might stop by next time we're in town. Jo: I can make you an appointment. When are you coming in next? Barbara: (Kind but firm) Not sure. Don't get pushy Miss Robinson. People don't like that. Jo: (Apologising quickly) No, I don't mean to be pushy, just want to make sure we don't miss each other. Barbara: No need for an appointment. We'll stop by next time we're in town. Not sure when that will be. Absolutely. Positively. (Beat) Maybe. OK? Jo: (Carefully trying to get a commitment without offending) You will come in, right? Next time you're in town? It's the blue and yellow building on the corner of – well it's on the only corner. Opposite Parker's Medical Centre. (Trying not to sound as desperate as she feels) You will come in? Barbara: (Positively) Quite possibly. (To Jack) She's opposite Nosey Parker's. Jo: OK. If Jack, Mr Fitzgerald, changes his mind he can call me. “800 RURAL VET NOW”. Barbara: “800 RURAL VET NOW”. (Impressed, to Jack) She's got an 800 number. Jo: Yes, “800 RURAL VET NOW”. Got that? 7|My Husbands Nuts


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Barbara: “800 RURAL VET NOW”. Got it. Jo: Good, well thank you Mrs Fitzgerald. I'll look forward to meeting you and Mr Fitzgerald real soon. Barbara: Of course. Bye. (She hangs up). Jo: (Hanging up and putting her head in her hands). Shit. Barbara: (She just loves saying it) “800 RURAL VET NOW”. (Collecting up the toys). Jack: (Getting up out of his chair). Checking on “three eighteen” (tag number for one of his cows). Barbara: Again? She'll be fine. Call Dean if you're worried. Jack: (Non-committal) Yeah. Barbara: Have you thought about your speech? Jack: (Non-committal) Yeah. Barbara: “Unaccustomed as you are to public speaking” and all that. Jack: (Non-committal) Yeah. Barbara: What kind of parent calls their child Jo-pert? Jack: A foreign one (He pulls on a jacket as he exits). Barbara: (Agreeing) Of course. Barbara finishes picking up the toys and exits as we hear the atv/quad bike start up outside and drive away. Lights on the Fitzgerald house fade to black. Jo: (Lifting head) What am I doing here? (Mocking her own idealism) “No Mom, I don't want to work in Boston. I'm moving out to start my own veterinary practice amongst all those big hearted country folk. The real America” (Adapt these references to your location). “Dad, I've done the numbers; cheap real estate and 500 animals per human... the numbers don't lie. You're an accountant, you understand that”. (Now to herself with a little despair as she looks at her list). Thirty seven calls, zero responses. (Mocking 8|My Husbands Nuts


My Husbands Nuts © 2009 Devon Williamson Do Not Copy Without Permission

herself again) The numbers don't lie! (To herself) I'm not even sure zero is a number... (Pauses, thinking) Jack Fitzgerald. (Pulling herself up by her boot straps, she is going to try the only logical option she has left... telepathy. Looking at the phone, putting her fingers to her temples and focusses all her concentration on sending a telepathic message... a spooky voice might help). Jack. Fitzgerald. Dean Lane of Rural Veterinarian Services is a “Quack”. A quuuu-aaaaaa-cccckkk! Call Jo Robinson. 800 RURAL VET NOW. (Slowly and with tremendous, strenuous internal force) 800... RURAL... VET... NOW. (She pauses, holding her breath, and slowing points to the phone, waiting for it to ring... it doesn't). Shit! Black out Scene 2: Jack's missing without a sturdy stick As the lights come up Barbara is pacing in the lounge, she's obviously concerned. The sound of a large car is heard, along with flashing lights, a door slams. She opens the front door to let Terry in. Terry is dressed in what looks like, at first glance, a police uniform. He is holding a little yellow book - “ The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook”. There is a pause as they look at each other. Terry shakes his head. Barbara sighs heavily. Barbara: Come on in. Terry: I had a hunch. Thought, where would I be? I'd be in the barn practising my speech. You'd be surprised how often hunches deliver results. (Short reflective pause) Not this time. Second hunch. Went down to the creek, circled back around the oaks, cut across Paddock Five. (Distracted, remembering and impressed) Those fences. (Back on track again) All I'm thinking is; did he take a sturdy stick? (Barbara tries to interrupt him, he 9|My Husbands Nuts


My Husbands Nuts © 2009 Devon Williamson Do Not Copy Without Permission

holds up his hand to stop her). 8 inches diameter. Sounds big I know - but that's smaller than a fist, (Barbara tried to interrupt again) but larger than an egg though (beat), depending on the size of your fist (pause) and the size of your egg. Chicken egg of course. Like a “large” size... actually, not sure about that; could be an extra-large size. (Barbara tried to interrupt again) Do you have one, I could measure it. Barbara: (Perplexed and getting annoyed) You want to measure an egg? Terry: Could I? Might be good to get that cleared up. Barbara: I have no idea what you are talking about. I'm concerned about Jack. Terry: (With concern) Did you know if he took a sturdy stick? Barbara: I fail to see Terry: (Patiently repeating) Did you know if he took a sturdy stick? Barbara: What? Terry, did you see anything Terry: (Holding up his hand and interrupting her) Did he take a Barbara: (Interrupting him) He took the ATV! (Or “quad”, depending on your location). Terry: Understood. (He nods, thinking) But did he take a “sturdy stick” with him? Barbara: (Dripping with sarcasm) Now that you mention it. I remember now. I thought it was Halloween, crazy mix up with the calendar in the bathroom, I said to him, “Jack”, I said, “You're not taking the ATV, what will the other witches think? Take your sturdy stick”. He grabbed his wizards raincloak and pointy black John Deere hat and flew off on his “sturdy stick”. Terry: (Calmly) You're joking of course. (Explaining) I was just wondering because, one of the essential pieces of equipment in quicksand country, is a sturdy walking stick. Preferably equal in length, to the height of your body. And as I said, 8 inch diameter. 10 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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Barbara: Quicksand country? Terry: Yes. You lie on top of the stick if you get caught in quicksand. Stretch your arms and legs out like this (he stands like he is about to do a “star jump”). Barbara: (Sarcastically calm) Terry. Terry: Yes Barbara? Barbara: I want you to concentrate real hard. Terry: OK. Barbara: Terry, do you know Jack? Terry: Your husband, yes. Very well. Barbara: Yes. Well Terry, do you know his quad bike? Terry: Yes. Suzuki 300 King Quad ATV. He hasn't been entirely happy with that bike. Barbara: (Nodding) No he hasn't. Now, Terry? Terry: Yes Barbara. Barbara: Can you describe to me what night-time is? Terry: (Questioning) You want meBarbara: (Putting her hand up to interrupt him) No, no, no. Just answer the question. What is night-time? Terry: (Not actually sure what answer Barbara is wanting) Is it when it's dark? Barbara: It often is, yes. Terry: (Pleased) I thought so. Barbara: You've done well, Terry. Now let's put all of that together. My husband (she points to him to finish the sentence)... Terry: Jack. Barbara: Good. Went out on his (She points again)... Terry: ATV. 11 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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Barbara: Yes the one he is not entirely happy with, at what time? Terry: (Unsure, looking at this watch) Errrr... Barbara: Night time!!!!!! Terry: (Quickly) Night time!!!! Barbara: AND HE HAS NOT COME BACK! (In response to Terry's blank look) And we do not have quicksand here on the farm. Or indeed in this entire state, as far as I am aware. Terry: He probably wouldn't have needed a sturdy stick then. Barbara: No. Terry: Yeah, just thought I'd check. An essential part of law enforcement is “thoroughness”. That's something I'm working on. Barbara: OK. But you're not in “law enforcement”. You just install household alarms. Terry: They are related industries. There is significant (he pauses trying to find the right word) “cohesiveness”... (he makes various binding, hands tied together, sticky fingers gestures) binding our industries. Barbara: Be that as it may, did you see any sign of him? Terry: Not specifically. No. Not at all, actually. You want me too errrr... (he doesn't have a clue what to do). Perhaps I should call Doug? Barbara: We don't need to call the police Terry. Jack will be fine; he's probably just... go out and have another look would you? Terry: Sure. (He goes to the door). Doug wouldn't mind coming – you could run your muffins by him. Barbara: No, I'm baking tomorrow. It's fine. Come on, this is Jack. He's probably just... Terry: I'll go have another look. (To himself as he leaves) Should probably use the lights and siren this time. Barbara: (Thinking hard) Where are you Jack? 12 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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Outside Terry's car starts up along with flashing lights and an ice cream truck siren. Barbara rolls her eyes at Terry's “siren” as the lights fade on stage. The ice-cream truck music plays during the blackout between this and the next scene.

Scene 3: Terry's on the phone. Over. We hear the faint sounds of a police siren... it is the ring tone on Terry's phone. A spot light comes up on him; he pulls his cell phone out of his pocket and answers it... Terry: Terrence J. McLeod Rural Security Operations LTD. Established 2005. IRS registered. Terry speaking. (Listens) Yes this is Terry, speaking... (listens) affirmative... (listens) Current location: the dead zone... (listens, looks at his watch) 1700 hours... (listens) affirmative... (listens) affirmative... (listens) clarification please... (makes a note on a small note book) affirmative... (beat) OK mom I'll get some 2% milk on the way home. Over and out. (He hangs up). Scene 4: Jack Returns It is morning. Barbara is nursing a cup of coffee at the dining room table. Somewhere, far away, we hear a scraping sound, Barbara notices but doesn't pay attention to it. There is a pause and then a faint knocking is heard, Barbara looks around, the knocking slowly becomes louder. She goes to the door and slowly opens it. A hideous Zombie stands at the door – it is Jack, dirty, bedraggled, and with a bloody wound to the head. The image should solicit shocked gasps, and wet underpants, from the squeamish in the audience. Barbara screams and Jack tumbles onto the floor. He is conscious but very, very weak. 13 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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Barbara: Jack! Jack: (In a panicked and husky voice) Shut the door! Quick! Barbara: (Frozen, in shock at the site of her husband) What happened?! Jack: Get the damn door Barbara ! Barbara rushes over to the door, takes a quick look outside and slams it shut. Then kneels down to Jack and starts to attend to him. Looking for broken bones etc. Then moving him to the couch during the following dialog. Barbara: What happened to you? Anything broken? Jack: Nah. I tipped the quad, damn stupid... (Confused) I lay low, they didn't see me. Swarming in. Hundreds of 'em. Barbara: Bees? Jack: Lousy American’s! They've over run the place! Barbara: American’s? Jack: G.I’s. Barbara: G.I’s? Jack: (Looking directly at her, as if to give her confidence) We'll hold out. Here. We'll be OK. Barbara: (Trying to understand) Swarms of G.I’s? Jack: It's a major offensive, Barbara . They over ran us. Barbara goes to the window and looks out. There is obviously no one there. Jack pulls her down. Jack: What are you doing? They'll see you! Barbara: You've taken quite a knock, Jack. Let's get you in the car, Nosey should take a look at this. Jack: No! I'm not leaving! (Calming himself down) I'm OK, Barbara. We just have to hold out. We've got everything we need here. Barbara: (Thinking he is referring to the First Aid box) OK, I'll grab the box. Stay put. (She exits to get the first aid box and talks from off) Terry was out 14 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


My Husbands Nuts © 2009 Devon Williamson Do Not Copy Without Permission

looking for you last night. Didn't you hear him or see the lights? He had his “siren” on at one point. Jack: (To himself) Just have to hold out. Barbara: (Entering with first aid box and a pack of wet-wipes) Let's take a look here. Just scratches really, and this nasty thing on your forehead. Are you feeling nauseous? Drowsy? Jack: (Defiantly) I'm OK. (Confessing) I think I was “out” for a while last night. Just a bit of headache now. Barbara: Possibly concussion. I want to know if you feel drowsy or nauseous. OK? Jack: Yeah all right. Barbara: How about we take a quick trip into town and get you looked at? It wouldn't be a big deal. Jack: (Definite) I'm not leaving here. I'll be fine. It's just a bump. Barbara: JackJack: (Interrupting and speaking to reassure her) It's OK. You and me, we're a team. Rank's not important now, we'll make decisions together. (Pats her on the shoulder as one comrade to another) We just have to hold out. You and me, Kozuka. You and me. Barbara: (To herself) I think I'm going to need some help. Jack smiles reassuringly at Barbara who is very confused as the lights fade to black. In the black-out a short piece of traditional Japanese Koto stringed music plays. Scene 5: I'm a Veterinarian! Jack is sorting out materials to build a “fort” in the dining room. Towards the end of the scene he has placed a blanket over the table, held the corners down with books and sits inside his fort, cross legged and looking out. Perhaps he peels a banana and is eating it as the lights fade the scene's end. 15 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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Barbara: (In a hushed voice and with significance) There he is. Jo: (Missing the significance) OK. (Pause. Jo offers her hand to Jack and is taking a step towards him) Hi Mr (Barbara slaps a hand over Jo's mouth and pulls her down behind a couch). Barbara: (In a panicked hushed voice) What are you doing?! Jo: (Confused) What?! Barbara: What do you think you're doing?! Jo: I'm saying hi to your husband! Barbara: Hush! (She cautiously peers over the couch for a moment and then ducks back down). He didn't see you. It's OK. Jo: What's OK? Barbara: He didn't see you. Have a look. Stop. Let me go first. Wait for my signal. Jo: Your signal? Barbara nods with significance, holds out her hand in a “wait” gesture. She cautiously peers over the couch, then gestures for Jo to take a look. Barbara: There he is. Jo: (Looking sideways at Barbara) Yeah... there he is. Barbara: What do you think? Jo: What, “what” do I think? Barbara: What? Jo: (Confused to the point of stating the obvious) It's your husband. Jo looks to Barbara for a response. There is a long pause. Barbara is lost in thought staring at Jack. Finally she nods her head... Barbara: Yeah. My husband's nuts. Jo: (Not sure what she has just heard) His what? Barbara: (Still transfixed on Jack) Nuts. Jo: (Absolutely confused) Oooo kaaaay. Mrs Fitzgerald, why am I here? 16 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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Barbara: (Turning to Jo and stating the obvious) I need a professional opinion dear. Jo: On...? Barbara: (Gestures toward Jack as if that will explain everything... she gets no response. She sighs, getting frustrated). My. Husband's. Nuts. Can I make it any clearer?! Jo: (Pause) Yes you could actually. (Barbara looks at her as if she is an idiot) Not really my field of expertise. Your husbands... err... Nuts. Barbara: (Matter of fact) I know. But it's all the same, right? I mean, genetically, we're just a few “whatever's” from animals. I read that somewhere. (Pause) National Geographic... or “People”. Jo: I'm a veterinarian. Barbara: But you're all we've got here. Jo: Be that as it may... it's your husband's, errr (not wanting to go there again) “you know”, Mrs Fitzgerald. Barbara: His what? Jo: Testicles? Barbara: What are you talking about?! Jo: What am I talking about? You raised the whole topic. Barbara: (Stunned) Me? What?! Jack starts to move so Jo and Barbara duck behind the couch again. Jo: Yes, you. I can't help you with your husband's... problems. I do animals. Both women peer over the couch, Jack has turned away. Barbara: (Trying to stay cool but starting to fray around the edges) I've been over this. I know you're not a doctor but you're the best we have. I can't take him to town, for a start he refuses to go, but mainly because I can just imagine how embarrassed he'd be if this got out. Jo: But there's patient confidentiality. Right? 17 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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Barbara: You know what it's like in town. Everyone in everyone else's business. Doctor “Nosey-Parker”. Jo: All the same, it's his nuts. You can't take risks with your husband's... nuts. Barbara: Wait, wait, wait. “Testicles?” You said. (Puts her hand over her mouth and starts giggling) No not his nuts. No, his (She taps her finger to her temple) head. .. You thought I was talking about his - (she can't finish for giggling and drags Jo down behind the couch). Jo: (Suddenly making sense of it all) Oh! (She joins Barbara giggling). He's (makes crazy gesture with finger circling at side of head. The giggling continues then fades as they each realise that perhaps Jack being “nuts” is not actually funny. Serious silence). Barbara: He fell off the atv/quad last night. We couldn't find him, when he turned up he was... Jo: Nuts. Barbara: Stark raving... Jo: Nuts. Barbara: (Correcting her) Mad. Jo: Mad. Barbara: I can't take him into town Jo. He would never forgive me. The humiliation. This is Jack Fitzgerald, football coach, advisor to American Dairy Association and the American Farm Bureau, (Significantly) Opening the County Fair on Saturday. Have you seen his fences? Legendary. Legendary! Jo: So I hear. (Getting back to the point) When you say... “mad”. What exactly...? Barbara: He won't leave the house. He doesn't know who I am. (Trying to explain) He did when he first came back, but not now. It's like I've faded, and he's replaced me with someone else. Jo: (A whiff of scandal, wide eyed) What, like another woman? 18 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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Barbara: (Shaking her head) Maybe. I don't think so. (Pause) Kozuka. Jo: Kozuka? (Barbara nods her head). What's that? Barbara: Beats me. Someone. It's a someone. I don't think it's a woman though. Jo: Kozuka? There is a long pause as both women look at Jack. Barbara: Kozuka. Jack is sitting cross legged in the fort, eating a banana. Lights fade to black. In the black-out a short piece of traditional Japanese Koto stringed music plays. Scene 6: Jo meets Terry. Terry is on stage stretching and warming up his mouth and tongue. Barbara enters with five muffins on a tray. Barbara: I've decided to go with three. Terry: Three? That's a risk. Barbara: It is. But with your disability... Terry: Barbara, I am a vegetarian. Barbara: Exactly. Terry: It's not a disability. Barbara: (Unconvinced) All right, but no normal person would not choose to... look it doesn't matter. Your senses will compensate, that's normal with people who are... you know. Terry: Disabled? Barbara: Your words not mine. I just thought that as a vegetarian you could tell me what you think. Terry: (Nodding, serious) What's your objective? Barbara: Approval. This could make or break me Terry. I have a lot riding on 19 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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this. Terry: Understood. Affirmative. Roger that. You're right of course, it is a well-known fact that the mouth and taste buds of a vegetarian Barbara: Just try the damn muffins Terry. Terry: Roger that. He ceremoniously blindfolds himself and holds out a flattened palm. Barbara nervously places the first muffin on his palm. Terry engages in a series of sniffs, licks, squeezes, prods and careful “listening” tests. Then shoves the entire muffin in his mouth and chews furiously. Barbara lifts an empty plastic container and Terry, unprompted, spits the masticated mess out. This entire exercise is repeated for each muffin. Barbara: Well? Terry: It is a well-known fact that the mouth of the vegetarian Barbara: Do you like the muffins or not? Terry: Barbara, I have savoured and squeezed your muffins on a number of occasions but never before has the experience been as stimulating as it has been today. (Pause) I approve. Barbara: (Breathes a sigh of relief. Then as if she is about to climb Everest). I'd better get baking. (Exits, then from the kitchen, shooing Jo out) Out! Out, out, out. Jo enters eating a muffin. Terry: (Holding out his hand) Terrence J. McLeod Rural Security Operations LTD. Established 2005. (As if he has a doctorate) IRS registered. Jo: (Saluting then shaking his hand, pretending to be military) Jo Robinson. Rural Animal Services. IRS registration... (with significance) pending. Terry: (Looking around like a spy about to pass on valuable information. Points to his chest and whispers) “Vegetarian”. Jo: (Repeating Terry's routine) “Veterinarian”. 20 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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Terry: Barbara's done well getting two professionals in to cover the security and medical dynamics of this operation. (Pause) Although, personally, I would have called Dean Lane. No offence. Jo: Dean Lane is a quack. No offence. Terry: You've got the place opposite Nosey's Medical right? Jo: Nosey's? (Correcting him) Parker's Medical – oh I see. Nosey Parker. Nice. (Giving him a friendly punch on the shoulder) You big hearted country folk are a delight. Terry: Have you seen him? Jack? Jo: Yes. Terry: A word of advice. If you approach him, stand tall and open your jacket out wide like this (he gestures, like a flasher) to make yourself as tall and wide as possible. Do not bend down and for goodness sake do not squat. He mustn't think you are defenceless. Jo: Don't squat. Flash him. Act like he's a big cat. (Salutes) Ten, four Rubber Ducky. Terry: Affirmative. Jo: Over and out... (to herself) of your mind. Barbara enters stirring a big bowl of muffin mixture. Holds the spoon full up for Terry to taste. He tastes and nods approval. She continues stirring. Barbara: (Whispering) I see you two have met. Jo, what are your thoughts? Jo: My thoughts are that Jack may not be the insane one. Regardless of that, we should engage common sense and get him to Nosey. Barbara: That is not going to happen. Firstly he's paranoid about going out there. Terry: Agri-fobia. Jo: Fear of open spaces? Terry: Fear of agriculture. 21 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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Jo: Fear of what? Barbara: Secondly, I won't have him lose his reputation by being the gossip of the district. Jo: How about the anonymity of Boston? Terry: Boston? They'll all New Yorkers. Barbara: (Nodding) And Irish. Terry: She's right. Jo: Everyone in Boston is from New York? Terry: (Nodding) And Ireland. Jo: So where are all the “real” Bostonians? Barbara: New York. Terry: She's right. And Ireland. Jo: (Unable to find an appropriate response) Of course. What was I thinking? Terry: (Shaking his head at Jo) City slickers. Jo: (Punching Terry on the shoulder) Country folk. Terry: (Shaking his head at Jo) City slickers. Jo: (Moving on) Right. Barbara, do you think you could help with some introductions around the area? Can I at least mention your name when I call people? Barbara: You have to prove yourself dear. Your big flashy advertising won't work out here. Miss “800 rural vet now”. I admit it does have a nice ring to it... 800 rural vet now... but we need cold hard facts. Proof. You need to prove yourself. Terry: Prove yourself! Jo: Fair enough. But how do I prove myself when no one will let me onto their property? Barbara: (Shrugging her shoulders) You have to prove yourself and that is 22 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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all there is to it. Terry: (Nodding) All there is to it. Jo: Well how did Dean Lane prove himself? Barbara: Dean has the figures to justify his position in the community. As he says “Numbers don't lie”. He saves an animal nearly 50% of the time. Regardless of its illness. And what's more - he guarantees it. Terry: Guarantees it! Jo: (Ignoring him) Nearly 50% of the time? So the animal is more likely to die under his care than recover? You've got to be kidding me. And that includes everything from a gum infection in a cat to... (gives up)? Terry: Regardless! Barbara: That's right. Regardless of the problem. He makes his guarantee. Jo: (Realising that she has been right about him all along) Dean Lane is a quack! Barbara: But don't take it personally. Everyone has to prove themselves. Take Jack for example. You don't get to open County Fair without having proved yourself. Jack is a legend in our community and it's well deserved. He and I have worked very, very hard for that reputation. A reputation we will protect at all costs. Which is why you are here and not Nosey. Have I mentioned Jack's fences? Perfection and without GPS assistance thank you very much. Terry: Yes, I won't trust my fences to NASA. Barbara: And he is the only one in the district to eradicate problem rodents. There is not a rodent on the farm or in a three mile zone of the property. (Proudly) It's known around here as the dead zone. Terry: (Nodding) The dead zone. Jo: The dead zone? Nice. Barbara: Terry named it and it stuck. 23 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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Terry: (Terry nods smugly. Very pleased with himself). I did. Barbara: And when the community gets their hands on my muffins... well, my reputation will be taken to a whole new level. Jo: In summary then; I have to prove myself. But I can't prove myself because no one will let me onto their property unless I prove myself. That's what I call a catch 22. (Punching Terry on the shoulder) You big hearted country folk. Terry: (Nodding) City slicker. Jo: Wait a minute. How did Dean Lane prove himself? Barbara: The numbers don't lie. Jo: (Dryly) No they don't. (Probing) But how did he prove himself at the start? Before anyone let him onto their farms? When he was in my position. Barbara: Well it was Jack of course. Jo: Of course. Good old Jack. Barbara: He got Dean in for a look at a cow. After that he was all around the district. Jo: Of course. Good old Dean. Terry: Died. Jo: I beg your pardon? Terry: The cow died. Jo: The cow died? Barbara: Yes. Shame that. Coffee anyone? Jo: (Just half a degree away from spontaneous human combustion) Wait a minute! The cow died!? It died and Dean had the whole district opened up to him!? How does that work? I can't get an introduction and this quacking-cowkiller gets a damn monopoly on the district?! What happened to proving yourself? Barbara: (Coolly) It helps that he wasn't a City slicker dear. Us “warm hearted country folk” stick together. Don't we Terry? 24 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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Terry: Affirmative. Jo: (Giving up, shaking her head) Ten, four, Rubber ducky. Lights fade out. Scene 7: Where is Shimada? As the lights come up we see Jack working on his fort, making some “improvements”. He is cautious and on the lookout for the enemy as he works. Barbara, Jo and Terry appear at the dinning/lounge room door. He stops and looks at them. Terry stands on his tiptoes and makes himself look as tall and wide as possible. He nods to Jo to do the same. There is a “standoff” as each group eyes up the other. Nothing is said for some time. Jack: Were you followed? No? OK then come over here. Quietly! (The others creep over to Jack). We'll hold out here. (To Terry) So you're back. Where's Shimada? Terry: Shimada? Jack: Still looking for you no doubt. If anything happens to Shimada, I'll hold you personally responsible. Terry: (Swallowing hard) OK. Barbara: Jack, this is Jo. She called yesterday Jack: (Looking right through Jo, he can't see her. To Jack/Onoda, she is simply not there) Who? Barbara: Jo. Jack: (Looks around, confused. Then comforting Barbara/Kozuka who is obviously seeing things) Come on Kozuka, hold it together. You're my partner, we're a team you and I, and I won't allow anything to happen to you. OK? (Barbara nods, confused) OK. Shimada might need some help finding his way back. Every ridge looks the same out here. Never known jungle so 25 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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thick. Keep a look out. (Whispering to Barbara) And don't let him (Terry/Akatsu) out of your sight. (In a loud voice to Terry/Akatsu) You're becoming a liability. Take off again and don't expect us to come and find you. (To Barbara/Kozuka) We're going to have to think about what we're going to do with him. (Giving a “you know what I mean” look). Barbara: (Unsure) Yeah... “what we're going to do with him”. Jack: Every time he takes off he runs the risk of bringing them back with him. He wouldn't hold out under interrogation. None of us would. He'd tell them everything. Shimada is going to have to be a bit more careful. I'll go for water. You keep a look out for Shimada... and don't let him (Terry/Akatsu) out of your sight. You think we should tie him up? (Responding to Barbara's look of horror). No. You're right. He's with us. Just a liability is all. (To Terry/Akatsu as he exits with a bucket for the water). We're watching you. Terry: What was that all about? Barbara: He wanted to tie you up. Terry: What?! Barbara: But you're “with us”, so he decided not to. Jo: He looked right through me. Did you see that? When you introduced me Terry: Like you weren't even there. Jo: Yeah, like I wasn't even there! Terry: Maybe he didn't see you. Jo: Of course he could see me. He looked right at me. Terry: He looked at you, but he didn't see you... because you weren't there to be seen. Barbara: I think you need some red meat in your diet. You're talking like a vegetarian. Terry: I am a vegetarian. Barbara: And living proof that everyone should eat meat. 26 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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Jo: Terry, what were you trying to say? Terry: I don't eat meat. Jo: Not about that. About Jack not seeing me. Terry: He doesn't know you, right? So maybe in his little fantasy world you don't exist either. He knows us, so he sees us. Barbara: He's not seeing me. He's seeing Kozuka. Terry: Exactly. And I'm someone else. “Akatsu”. Jo: And then there's “Shimada”. Who's that? Barbara: Someone he knows who isn't here? Could be anyone. (Correcting herself) Anyone he knows. Terry: I think I'd prefer he didn't know me, actually. Barbara: (Feeling the strain of the situation) You're not the only one. Terry: Yeah. (Then getting the insult) Hey! That's a bit mean. I'm helping here. I don't have to be here you know. You need me. I must have something you need or else you wouldn't have called for my help. Barbara: Yeah you do. You're the only moron in town no one would believe if word got out about all this. You and her. Jo: Hey! What have I done? Terry: (To Jo) Don't worry. (To Barbara) It's the stress of the situation. You're siding with the aggressor. That's natural. Stockholm syndrome. Being a woman you're especially susceptible. It's genetic – women who have been kidnapped, and resisted the aggressor, are less likely to have children with the aggressor. Thus compromising their innate and ancient drive to reproduce. Barbara: So I think you're an idiot, because I want to reproduce? Terry: With Jack, yeah. Jo: Good to have that cleared up. Barbara: (To Jo) What I am trying to say is that I need you two. I can trust you. Because 27 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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Jo: (Getting it) Because I'm new and no one will talk to me... and he'sBarbara: An idiot. Terry: (Refusing to be baited) Fair enough. Protect your ability to reproduce. Jo: I wonder if we should leave before he comes back. Terry: Good idea. Barbara: OK then. Jo: Here he comes, quick! They scuttle out. Jack enters with a bucket of water. Jack: (Looking around) Kozuka? Damn it, I'm going to kill Akatsu if he's taken off again. (He puts the water down and stalks out of the room). Scene 8: Jumping from a motor bike to a car... and Charlie comes home Terry is alone in the lounge. He has his favourite book with him “ The WorstCase Scenario Survival Handbook” by Joshua Priven and David Borgenicht. It's good... and indispensable to a home alarm installer who drives an ice cream truck. Terry looks around to make sure no one is there, then pulls a dining chair over to within a yard of the couch. He quickly opens the book to the page on “Jumping from a Motor Bike to a Moving Car” to make sure he has all the details right. He sits on the dining room chair; it is a “motor bike”. Terry is racing down a highway... and is about to act out his version of the film “Speed”. Terry/cop: Come on man, jump through the window into my car. Terry/rider: No way man. Are you kidding? I could be killed at this speed. Terry/cop: There's a bomb on the bike man. 28 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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Terry/rider: No way man. Are you serious? Terry/cop: I'm a cop, would I lie to you man? Barbara enters with a huge tray loaded with muffins, unseen by Terry. She watches him, rolling her eyes and shaking her head. Terry/rider: Sorry officer, I didn't realise. I meant no disrespect. Knowing you're a law enforcer means I trust you completely. Terry/cop: Of course you do. Now, prepare yourself for the most dangerous and exciting moment of your life man! Terry/rider: I don't know if I can do it Officer. I've never done this before; you'll have to talk me through it. Terry/cop: No problem man, I do this everyday man. The important thing is for you to keep your revs up until the moment that you jump. Terry/rider: And that you have the window wound down. Terry/cop: Exactly. Man. (He reaches back and mimes winding down the window). Ready? Terry/rider: Yeah (He stands on the dining chair and wobbles with the “speed” as he prepares to jump, he takes a couple of deep breaths and then throws himself onto the couch as he calls out...) To serve and protect! (He gestures the exploding of the motor bike) Kaaa boooooom! Barbara: Terry. Terry: (Getting a fright) Yeah?! Barbara: What was that? Terry: (Sheepishly) Nothing. Barbara: (Picking up the Survival book that is open on the table) Were you just jumping from a motorbike to a moving car? Terry: (Quickly) No! (There is a pause as Barbara waits for the truth) Yes. Barbara: Being “thorough” Right?. Terry: Yeah. 29 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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Barbara: Because you never know when someone is going to have to leap from a motorbike through the serving window of an ice cream truck. Terry: It's not an ice cream truck. It's a security operation vehicle. Barbara: But it was an ice cream truck. Terry: Was. Yes. Barbara: And the miracle of a $10 can of spray paint has transformed it into a...? Terry: Security operation vehicle. Barbara: Of course. I envy you Terry. I have 500 muffins to bake by Saturday and you have time to practice jumping from a motorbike to a “security operations vehicle”. Get bagging. Three muffins to a bag. Assorted. Terry: Understood. Charlie walks in the front door. Charlie: (Pouting) Hello! Barbara: Charlie, honey! (Wide eyed, and with fingers over her mouth in embarrassment) I forgot you were coming! (She hugs Charlie). Charlie: Well that's nice. Hi Terry. Terry opens his mouth but his brain isn't giving him anything. Nothing. He smiles... like Goofy. Barbara: (Replying for Terry) Hi Charlie. I'll get your bag. (Terry scuttles out the door and comes back in with a small suitcase on wheels). You look a little off colour. Charlie: I've been feeling a little dizzy. I haven't been Barbara: (Finishing her sentence) Feeling well? You're home now. I'll look after you. Charlie: (Sarcastically) You're off to a good start. Barbara: Sorry. How did you get here? Charlie: (Pointedly) I walked here. 30 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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Barbara: All the way? Charlie: No silly, I got the bus from Boston. Barbara: Of course you got the bus from Bostoon, but did you walk from town to the farm? Charlie: Well duh! Yes, because you weren't there to pick me up. Barbara: I am so sorry. (She is confused though as the farm is several km's from town) You walked here? Charlie: Yes! (Pause) Well, I would have if Doug hadn't dropped me off. Terry: (Keenly) In the police car? Charlie: Yes. Terry: Did he put the siren on? Charlie: Just for a little bit, yeah. It was cool. Terry: That is cool. Charlie: He was heading out this way, so he dropped me off at the end of the driveway. Barbara: So you didn't walk here? Charlie: I walked up the driveway. Barbara: Yes. Well, I suppose the point is I forgot to pick you up, and I am sorry about that. Charlie: That's OK. Barbara: We've been a little preoccupied. Right Terry? Terry: Affirmative. Charlie look at Barbara and Terry for an explanation as lights fade to black.

Scene 9: Dean Lane is a Quack. Jack is making a Koto, a Japanese stringed instrument that makes 31 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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wonderful twanging music. Jo enters, looks around to make sure no one else is there but Jack. She doesn't approach him... yet. Jo: (She clears her throat to get his attention) Ahhhh hem! (No reaction) Mr Fitzgerald. (no reaction so she tries louder) Mr Fitzgerald! (Nothing) Oi! Hey! Jack! (Nothing). This is nuts. (She smirks to herself) “Jack Fitzgerald's nuts”. (Has an idea and claps her hands, no response, stamps her foot, no response. She cautiously approaches him). Hello!? Dean Lane is a quack! You hear me? I said Dean Lane is a quack! (She looks around the fort and sings to the tune of Row, Row, Row Your Boat...) “Dean Lane is a quack, Dean Lane is a quack. Dean Lane, Dean Lane, Dean Lane is a quack!” This is great, just great. I finally get to meet Jack Fitzgerald, the gate keeper to an entire community of farmers, and he can't hear me... (waves her hands in front of his face) Or see me... (rolling her eyes) Brilliant. (She slowly and with some hesitation reaches out and prods him gently on the shoulder with her finger. There is no response so puts her whole hand on his shoulder. Nothing. She pats him on the shoulder. Again harder. Pats him on the head. Pauses... smiles to herself. She starts drumming her palms on this head and making drumming noises) Boom-da-da-boom – da- da-boom-da-da-boomCharlie: (Enters to find a stranger playing bongo's on her father’s head) Hey! Jo and Jack swing around to Charlie. Jo: Oh hi! You're probably wondering Jack: Shimada! You're back! 32 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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(Charlie puts her hand on her stomach reacting to a small stomach cramp and breathes in sharply. It's not a big deal; just caught her by surprise. It passes and she is fine). You're hurt! (Rushing over to her, looks at her leg with great concern) Let me see that! (He helps a very confused Charlie over to the fort). Let's get you to the camp. Lean on me. There we go. Jo: I'm Jo, the new veterinarian. (Rolling her eyes at the ridiculous situation she is in) I'm restoring his mind by Saturday. No pressure. But enough about me; you must be Charlie. Charlie: Yeah. They said you were here. (Referring to the “head bongos”) What're you doing? Jo: He can't see me, I was seeing if Jack: (Interrupting Jo, thinking Charlie/Shimada is talking to him) I'm bandaging that leg. It looks serious. Charlie: Dad Jack: Ranks not important here. Now let’s get this sorted, tropical heat and infections... bad combination. (He tears off a piece of material from an old towel and bandages her leg with it). Charlie is very, very confused. Jo: Just play along. So you're Shimada... we've heard a lot about you. (Explaining) You're a figment of his imagination and I'm not. He can't see, hear or feel me. (She bongo's his head) See? Charlie: (With a look of concern to her father and then back to Jo) Well it's good to have a medical professional here. What's the diagnosis? Jo: (Putting her hands up in surrender) I'm a veterinarian. Jack: (Thinking Charlie is speaking to him) Bullet, I'd say, right through. Charlie: And? Jack: (Thinking Charlie is speaking to him) Keep it covered, you should be fine. 33 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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Jo: And your dad's nuts. Charlie: (Whispering, shocked) His what? Jo: (Rolling her eyes, not his again!) Your dad has taken a knock to the head and is cuckoo. Charlie: Cuckoo? Jack: (Stopping, looking around) Did you hear that? (With tremendous suspicion) A Cuckoo in the jungle... that's weird... I'm taking a look. Wait here. (He slinks towards the side of the stage). Charlie: (Thoughtfully accepting the diagnosis and whispering to Jo) My dad's nuts. I see. (Shakes Jo's hand vigorously) Great to have you here! Jack: (Thinking Charlie is speaking to him) We all have a part to play here. Jo: I don't. (She bongo's Jacks head and sings). “Dean Lane is a quack” Come on all together now, “Dean Lane is a quack...” Charlie: (Whispering) Don't do that! Jo: Sorry. (Walking over to the couch) It's kinda addictive. (In a doctors voice) My diagnosis: Cuckoo. Charlie: (Agreeing) Cuckoo. Jack: There it is again! The lights fade. Scene 10: I Haven't Been (As the lights come up we see Jo on the couch with her feet up humming her Dean Lane is a Quack song and eating a muffin. She is on number six. The muffin’s paper baking cups and crumbs lie scattered on a tray. Jack is showing Charlie how to make a Koto – a Japanese stringed instrument). Terry: (Entering, very pleased with himself carrying a tray of coffee mugs) 34 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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I made some coffee! Caffeine is a natural, and legal, vegetarian stimulant used by law enforcers worldwide. Charlie: Great. Thanks. Jack: (Now unable to hear or see Terry as he has “deserted”) What? Charlie: Coffee. Jack: Coffee? It's been a while. It's the small things you miss. Charlie: No, Terry, err Akatsu has coffee. Jack: Probably does. Damn deserter. He'll be squealing to the G.I’s right now and drinking their coffee and smoking their cigarettes. But he'll regret it. Terry: What? I have a coffee for you Mr Fitzgerald. (No response from Jack). Jack? “Onoda”? (no response) Charlie: (Taking the coffee and passing it to Jack) Here ya go. Jack: (Stunned) Where the hell did that come from? Charlie: (Confused and pointing) Terry. I mean Akatsu. Jack: (Explaining as if to a child) We have to let go of Akatsu, Shimada. He's made his choice to side with the enemy. I know that out of all of us, it's going to be hardest on you. But we knew it was coming. You'll have to let go of him. I don't know where you got this coffee from but it’s incredible. Terry: What? No, I'm not siding with the enemy! I bought you coffee. Jo: You're gone Terry. Terry: Gone? Jo: You're like me now. He can't see you or hear you. (In a spooky voice) Welcome to the spirit world. Thanks for the coffee. (She pats him on the shoulder, takes her cup of coffee and exits singing “Dean Lane is a Quack”). Terry sits away from Charlie and Jack and continues bagging muffins. Charlie goes over to him and assists; careful to be out of ear shot of Jack. Charlie: Hey. Terry: Hey. 35 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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Charlie: How's the coffee. Terry: Good. Yeah. Charlie: Good. Terry: (Joking but without any hint of humour) Orgasmic. Charlie: Orgasmic? Terry: (Flat still, without any hint of humour) Organic. (Pause) That was a joke. The coffee is “organic”. Charlie: (Soberly) And “organic” sounds like “orgasmic”. Terry: (Solemnly) Yeah, you got it. Charlie: (Nodding) Right. Terry: You must like jokes too. Charlie: (Nodding) Yeah, I like jokes. (Pause, leans in close). Listen, I um.... Terry: (Leaning in close) Yeah? Charlie: I um... well... ahh... Terry: What? (Pause) What is it? Charlie: (In a whisper) I haven't been for a week.. Terry: (Not hearing Charlie) What? Charlie: (In a whisper but a little louder) I haven't been for a week. Terry: Where? Charlie: Anywhere, I haven't been. Terry: (Trying to understand) OK. (Pause) You haven't been? Charlie: No. (With wide eyes) For a week. Terry: Wow. Charlie: That's what I'm telling ya. Terry: A week. Wow. (There is a long, significant pause) I haven't a clue what you're talking about. Charlie: (A little frustrated). I have not been for a week. For a week I have not been. Been. Not. Me. Week! 36 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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Terry: Been where? Charlie: (In a voice a little too loud) Toilet! Terry: You haven't been the toilet in a week?! Charlie: (Looking around self-consciously) Of course I have! You're a nut! Come on! Terry: (Looking around and laughing nervously) Yeah, of course. Charlie: (Leaning in close and talking in a harsh whisper) Listen to me! I am trying to tell you something! Terry: (Leaning in close and talking in a harsh whisper) Well for goodness sake, say it! Charlie: I have not taken a “you know what” for a week. Terry: (Wide eyes) You haven't taken a “I know what” for a week? Charlie: (Nodding solemnly) Yup. Terry: No way! Charlie: Yup. Terry: Why are you telling me? Charlie: I don't know what to do. Terry: (In a panic) Yeah, but why are you telling me this? Charlie: I didn't know who else to turn to. Dad's on another planet and Mom's so worried about him Terry: Yeah but surely there is someone (else)... Charlie: A week! Are you listening to me? Can you imagine what this feels like?! Terry: Why are you telling me this? Get some fibre! Charlie: (Angry) You think I haven't tried fibre? I've eaten a mountain of cereal! And you know where it is now? Huh? (Pointing vigorously at stomach) Backed up on the highway with all the rest of the traffic! Terry: OK, OK. Go to a doctor. He'll give you something to put (gestures “up 37 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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there”). That's what they do right? Charlie: (Calmly) Yeah good idea. I'll go to a doctor and ask for something to shove up my – (suddenly with eyes that could kill) I can't do that! Terry: Well, what am I supposed to do? Charlie: You could go for me. Terry: (Slightly taken aback) I can't go for you! You have to go for yourself. That's how it works. You eat something - you go! I eat something - I go! I can't go for you! What, are you nuts?! Charlie: (Hushing Terry) No I mean the doctor. Short pause. Terry: He can't go for you. Charlie: I mean you go to the doctor for me. Terry: I go to the doctor? Charlie: Yeah, you go to the doctor. Terry: (With suspicion) What am I going to say to the doctor? Charlie: Say you haven't been for a week and you need something to make you go! Terry: I'm not going to say that! You can't lie to doctors they're like the police, they have legal powers. Charlie: They don't have legal powers! What are you talking about? Terry: I'm not doing that! Charlie: OK... look, just go to him, and say you have a friend, who, you know... Terry: “A friend”? Charlie: A friend. Terry: How dumb is that going to sound? He'll think it’s me! Charlie: But it’s not! Terry: I know it’s not, but he'll think it’s me. “I have a friend...” Come on! 38 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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(There is a long pause). Charlie: (Leaning in close and looking pleadingly at Terry) I... haven't... been... for.... a.... week. Terry: (Nodding) I know. Charlie lets go of a small high pitched fart. Terry: (After a slight pause, then acknowledging her “sneeze”) Bless you. Lights fade to black.

Intermission. Scene 11: Terry's Confessions to Jack. Terry enters, Jack cannot see or hear him. Terry: Hi Mr Fitzgerald. The animals are all OK. That's all looked after, so you don't have to worry about that. I'll be keeping an eye on Three Eighteen though. Not sure, but she doesn't look 100%. Probably just my imagination. Yeah. So how are you? I'm good thanks. Not as good as you though; opening the County Fair! Farmer of the County! But I am moving the business to the next level. I'm getting some stickers made up for the vehicle. You can order them on-line. There's a logo, a majestic eagle - with a light sabre - and “Terrence J McLeod Rural Security Operations LTD. Established 2005. IRS Registered” in the same lettering style as American SWAT vehicles. It was quite expensive so it was a toss-up between the full business name or just the letters “T. J. M. R. S. O. L. T. D. E. T. T . F. I. R. S. R.” But Mom said people wouldn't get it. Mind you, it would have been good for “Black Ops” and undercover work... but I'm mainly just doing home alarms and getting Mom's shopping. Great that Charlie's home. I know I shouldn't be, but I'm really enjoying being here. Who would have thought that you and Barbara would 39 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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need my help. Business is going to go through the roof when everyone finds out I'm helping out here. Which they won't because I can't tell anyone. Especially not Nosey. And I can't tell Dean Lane that Jo is here. Actually I can't tell anyone that Jo is here. So business probably won't go through the roof. But that's OK. Being here is great. Really great. Especially with Charlie home. As Barbara says I'm her “intellectual equal”. How's that! Bet you've missed having her around. I know I have. I know she's a big city girl now. I can just see her at the salon with all those big city customers. All lawyers and accountants... and Irish. I bet she has tons of Irish customers. Like you say “Let the Irish move here. Imagine a combined American and Irish boxing team”. They’d make awesome NHL enforcers! The future of American sport is looking bright. Sorry about running onto the field last week. I know you've told me not to do that during play. Especially as I’m the water boy. Especially, especially, when we’re so close to scoring. Especially, especially, especially if it’s the last play of the game and we need the points. I just thought with the wind behind me and one play to go... in hindsight you're probably right. I got confused and tackled our player. Sorry about that. You know, I think you can be a vegetarian and in a football team. I read the rule book cover to cover and there was no mention... but maybe you're right. I haven't heard back from the NFL yet. They will have only just got my enquiry. Sent it Priority Mail Express. Not that it makes any difference. Being a vegetarian in beef country isn't as easy as you'd imagine Mr Fitzgerald. Trust me. Everyone looks at ya like you're an idiot... and all the raffle prizes are always meat bundles. (Jack gets up and picks up the water bucket) Well I'm glad we had this little chat. This is the best mission I've had and business is going to go through the roof when everyone finds out. (Calling out as Jack exits) Which they won't. (Note: You are welcome to change the sporting references to the leagues and 40 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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sports most relevant to your locale). Lights fade to black. Scene12: Jo gives Terry some advice. Jo is seated in the lounge room, Terry enters. He is obviously looking for Jo. Terry: You're a doctor, right? Kinda. Jo: A veterinarian. Terry: Yes, an animal doctor. Jo: Yeah... an animal doctor. Barbara said something about Jack being worried about “Three Eighteen”. I take it that's a cow. You know anything about that? Terry: I'm keeping any eye on her. Jo: Perhaps I should take a lookTerry: (Firmly) No! No one takes a look at another man’s cows without his permission. Understood? Jo: Understood. Terry: Affirmative? Jo: Affirmative. Terry: Now, as I was saying. You're an animal doctor. Jo: Affirmative. Terry: And we're animals too right? I mean technically we're just skin, and bone and muscle. And fat. Jo: (Warily, she's been here before with Barbara) That's right. Terry: There's probably stuff, remedies, that would work on people and animals. Basic things. Jo: Not really. Actually yes, but it really depends on what it is. Terry: Like a broken bone needs to be set – for a dog or a person. Or an 41 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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animal could be vitamin deficient and a person could too. (Looking away and stumbling over his words) And an animal needs to... err... do.. well go... umm, relieve... itself... regularly, and so do people. Jo: (Cautiously) Yes. Terry: And conceivably, there could be a remedy for both. . For... (There is a pause, Terry is forced to say the word he is avoiding) constipation. Jo: (Stating the obvious) Laxative. If I was constipated, Terry, I'd just get some laxative from the Drugstore. Terry: (Realising the obviousness of that) Oh, yeah. Jo: That's the normal thing. You probably want to also take a look at your diet and lifestyle also. But a laxative is (gives a wink) the “key to setting the prisoners free”. Terry: Of course. I don't why I didn't think of that. Jo: You're probably not feeling yourself. It's normal not to think straight when you're under pressure. (Raises her eyebrows) If you know what I mean. Terry: Yeah, yeah. Of course Jo: You probably don't want to leave that too long though. Could damage yourself some. Terry: Yeah. (Pause) It's not me! Jo: (Disbelieving) Of course not. Terry: No really, it's not! Jo: Sure, it's probably a “friend”. That's fine. It's none of my business. Terry: (Earnestly) Yes, it is a friend. Jo: Well that “friend” must think a lot of you to share the secret. Terry: What? Jo: Well this kind of thing can be difficult to talk about. You wouldn't just tell anyone. This must be some special “friend” you have. Terry: No, I don't think so she – I mean this “friend” is just a friend. She – I 42 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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mean this friend doesn't think that way about me. Jo: Terry, people around here worry too much what other people think. Some of the best advice I ever got was to “be proud of being you”. We're so busy trying to live up to the expectations we think other people have for us, that we forget to just be ourselves. (Laughing, pretending to be an American TV Chat Show Doctor) Terry, as Dr Bob says, “I want you to start by wearing something that is a unique reflection of yourself. Celebrate who you really are. You are a unique individual!” Terry: Wear something that is a unique reflection of myself? Jo: No, I'm kidding. (Laughing) Sure, if you want to. But most importantly... Terry: Yeah? Jo: Your “friend”. Drugstore. Laxative. Terry: Right. Lights fade. Scene13: Delwyn is interested in my muffins. A phone rings in the darkness, a single spot light comes up on Barbara who answers the phone. Barbara: Hello? Hi Delwyn. What's new? (Listens) Oh really? Nice. (Listens) Did she? (Listens) How lovely. (Listens) Oh everything's fine here. Nothing out of the ordinary. (Pauses, making her confession) Actually, I have got something... probably OK if you know. Can you keep a secret? I haven't told anyone. Cross your heart? OK. (Barbara is really not sure if she should say anything...) You can't tell anyone. OK? ANYONE. Promise! (Listens) OK. I'm baking muffins for the Fair. THREE flavours. (Reacts to a scream on the other end of the phone) I know. Very brave. It's a risk. But I have my secret weapon. A vegetarian tester! (Listens) I think it’s a bit like leprosy, no one is quite sure how you get it. I'm OK. Ate a couple of steaks this morning to check 43 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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though. (Listens) Everything else's fine. Nothing to report. See you at the Fair then. Bye. (She hangs up. Picks up another chop as the lights fade). Scene14: It's for my self-esteem. Terry is wearing something ridiculous. A hat made of vegetables... including a tin of tomatoes and a large piece of cauliflower. (In one production they decorated bicycle helmet with plastic vegetables. The result was hilarious). Instead of feeling like the idiot that he looks, Terry is feeling smug. He thinks it is cool. It's helping his self-esteem. Jo: Terry, what are you wearing? Terry: (Proud and a little coy) Oh you noticed? Jo: Err... Yeah, it's um... Terry: (Nodding, agreeing) I know, a little “out there”. But that's what you said, right? Wear something that is “a unique reflection of yourself”. (Solemnly and as if it is the first time he has ever told anyone) I'm a Vegetarian. “Be proud of being you”. It was good advice. Jo: Oh yeah. It was, wasn't it? Barbara enters with another tray of muffins, or perhaps she is stirring another bowl of mixture. She makes a bee-line for Jo. Barbara: Jo, listen, I think we have a situation. (Acknowledging Terry with a glance) Terry. (Back to Jo). She's dead, “Shimada” – (stops suddenly as Terry's hat finally registers) – Terry what the hell are you wearing? Jo: It's vegetables. Barbara: It is vegetables. Terry: (Nodding smugly) Uh huh. Jo: He's a vegetarian. Terry: (Nodding gravely) I am. Barbara: Of course he is. 44 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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Terry: (Hands up in mock surrender) Guilty as charged. Jo: It's for his self-esteem. Barbara: His what? Terry: Self-esteem. (Explaining) How I feel about myself. (Proudly) I'm a “unique individual”. I should “celebrate” that. Being unique. Barbara: You're a moron is what you are. Terry: Genius is rarely understood. Barbara: Genius?! Jo: (Intervening before Barbara gets any more wound up) Shimada is dead? Barbara: What? Oh, yes. Jo: How? Barbara: (Matter of fact) Passed away on the toilet. Well passed out anyway. So she's dead. Shimada. There is a stunned silence. Terry: Shimada died on the toilet? Barbara: (Getting worked up again) Yes, that is what I am telling you. Charlie passed out on the toilet. Jack found her there and now Shimada is dead. Jo: Is she all right? Terry: (Whispering) She's dead! Jo: No. Charlie. Is she OK? Barbara: She's fine. Just a bit dizzy she said. (Thinking) She's been looking a bit pale all week. Charlie enters, she is sulking. Jo: Here she is now. The living dead. Charlie: I'm dead! He killed me off. Terry: (Chuckling) You're a zombie. Charlie: I don't wanna be a Zombie! 45 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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Terry: (Seriously) How about a vampire? Charlie: No! I want to die and be buried like regular people are! With a tomb stone... or a white cross. Terry: (Offering, gently) You want me to make you a cross? Charlie: (Nods with “puppy dog eyes”) And flowers. Terry: (Sincerely) Cauliflower do? (He holds out his hand and Charlie slowly takes it). Come on then, let's get you buried. (He tenderly takes her off stage). Jo: (Watching them leave) That was a precious moment. Barbara: (Shaking her head in disbelief) A man wearing a tin of tomatoes and cauliflower is going to bury my daughter. (Pause) Precious. Jo: So, how is Jack taking Shimada's death? Barbara: Ok. Better than Charlie I think. (Referring to the bowl of muffin mixture) Just 200 to go. Jo: You're really baking 500 muffins for the Fair? Barbara: It's a Fair, dear. The County Fair. Jo: Of course. Tell me, I've been meaning to ask... Barbara: What? Jo: How long have you been the Muffin Ma'am? Barbara: The Muffin Ma'am? Jo: The Muffin Ma'am - (Tempted to continue but decides not to push her luck) Forget it. You want me to wash some more dishes? Barbara: Yes please. (As they exit) Oh the Muffin Ma'am! Jo and Barbara: “Who lives in Drury Lane”. Jo grins wickedly, Barbara slaps her on the shoulder as they exit. Lights down. Scene 15: Charlies Confessions to Jack. 46 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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Charlie enters and sits by Jack. Because Shimada (Charlie) is “dead” Jack is unaware of Charlie's presence. Charlie: Hi Dad. How are you? I'm fine. Except for being killed off. Thank you very much. And on the toilet? Not quite how I had imagined passing away. (Pauses watching Jack) It's nice to be home. I wonder where you are. Mom's worried. We all are. Terry's helping out with the stock and stuff. Mom said if he used his lights and siren again, near the cows again, she'd “give him a kick in the nuts”, and he hasn't used them again since then. (Pause) The lights and siren I mean. Jo seems nice. But just between me and you... I think she has a thing for Dean Lane. Probably a stalker. They have those in the city. Stalkers. No animals to hunt I guess, so the people stalk each other. She's nice though, for a City Slicker. I can see why she moved here. Real America here, huh. That's what you say. Backbone of the country, huh. Anyway, I'm thinking about moving back. (A confession...) I don't think I'm a big city girl after all. You get kinda lost in the big smoke. Crowds, traffic... supermarkets. I can't figure it all out. They have these car parks right outside the shops, but you can't use them 'coz they're for disabled people. Which is nice really. Maybe the nicest thing about the big city is how they make sure there are really, really, good car parks for disabled people. Although I don't think they've told the disabled people about them coz there is never anyone parked there. At first whenever I saw someone in a wheel chair I'd stop them and tell them about the car parks... but they'd act all weird. And not disabled weird. Just rude weird. They'd be all “I know about the car parks, I'm not retarded”. And the person with them would say “take it easy I think she's retarded”. And I'd say, “No I'm Charlie Fitzgerald, Jacks daughter”. And they'd be all “who gives a poop”. So I can see why Jo moved out here. And I missed Terry. Funny huh? I think he's my best friend. You know I think he always was. That's funny, huh? 47 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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And that's why I want to move back. That and don't have any money and I owe the room-mates a lot of money. (Wide eyed) A lot of money. (Jack gets up and wanders off. Charlie watches him leave...) Anyway, it's nice to be home. Lights fade out. Scene 16: Terry has got the stuff. Charlie is alone in the room. Terry: (Peeking in the front door) Pssssst! Charlie: What? Terry: Is the coast clear? I got some “stuff” for you. Charlie: What kind of stuff? Terry: (Meaningfully) Stuff for your thing. Charlie: What thing? Terry: Your “thing” that is full of “thing”. Charlie: My “thing” that is full of “thing”? Oh that! (Looks around) Yeah the coast is clear. Terry enters, as if he is sneaking into a room to free a hostage. He is carrying a cardboard box full of bottles and packets. He places the box on the table. Terry: Ok here we go. I got the lot. You can take this tonight (holds up a bottle) for relief tomorrow morning. This one now (holds up a bottle) for relief in six to eight hours. This one (holds up a bottle) for three to four. Or this one for rapid relief (he carefully holds up what looks like a chocolate). How desperate are we? (Responding to the look in Charlies eyes) Rapid relief. OK its “Browns Brilliant Blocked Bowel Blaster” then. (Reading the packaging) Blasting Blocked Bowels Brilliantly since 1984. (In a conspirators 48 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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whisper) This stuff is based on Paracelsus lost remedy from the 1500's... plus Senna leaf, magnesium oxide, magnesium Sulphate, buchu, cleaver, couch grass, fennel, ginger, marshmallow, sodium and potassium chloride and yarrow. (Meaningfully) Specially designed to stop “gripping”. Charlie: That sounds good. Really good. (Terry gingerly, as if he is defusing a bomb... or holding something sacred, breaks off two pieces of chocolate and gently places them on the table). I feel like we should say “grace”. (She holds out her hand to Terry who takes it). Dear Lord. Thank you for Browns Brilliant Blocked Bowel Blaster. Amen. Terry: Amen. Charlie: I'm ready. She closes her eyes and sticks out her tongue... Terry is the Priest delivering the holy sacrament. He pops the chocolate on her tongue and she chews slowly and with great reverence. Terry: Bless you my child. (He makes a failed attempt at crossing himself and holds his breath). Charlie: (Opening her eyes) How long...? Terry: (Watching the seconds tick over on his watch) Any... second... now... Wait... wait... wait... now! Charlie: Nope. Terry: No? Charlie: Nothing. (Tries to “push a little”). Nope. Terry: Weird. Charlie: Yeah... (there is a pause as Charlies expression slowly changes... something is happening) Oh... dear Lord! Terry: Run! Charlie: Yes! (She gets up from her chair). Terry: Run Charlie! Run and don't look back! 49 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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Charlie runs like a bow legged cowboy pursued by the hounds of hell off stage. Barbara: (Entering with yet another tray of muffins) What's going on? Terry: Charlie had to – nothing! Barbara: You are a terrible liar. Terry: (Very unconvincing) No I'm not. (She stands there, looking him in the eyes, waiting for the truth. This is very, very difficult for Terry). I've got this stuff from town. Barbara: You've been to town? What were you doing in town? Where did you go in town? Who did you talk to in town? Terry if you have told anyone, anyone, about Jack I will make you regret ever being born. Terry: I didn't tell anyone anything. I promise! Barbara: So what were you doing in town? Terry: I was getting this stuff. Barbara: What is this? Is this for Jack? (Starts looking through the box). Terry: No! It's for... umm (in a difficult position). Barbara: Is this for you? Terry: Yes. It's for me. I err... I haven't been for a week. Barbara: A week? Terry: Yeah, a week... all “backed up on the motorway”... and this (picks up a bottle) is for that... to help me go. Barbara is looking at him sideways, not quite believing him. Barbara: Really? Terry: Really! Off stage the toilet flushes. Barbara: What's going on Terry? You can tell me. Come on... Terry: Nothing! See (he opens a bottle and takes a big drink... in fact he drains the bottle). Hmm yum yum. That's better, I can feel it working already. 50 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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(He pauses, then suddenly “wide eyed”) Actually I can! Barbara: (Taking the bottle from him and reading the label) “Max-Lax 500. One teaspoon twice daily”. I'd say you'll be running free now. Terry: (Sweating, taking fast, shallow breaths through pursed lips. He farts, goes very, very wide eyes and holds his hands against his buttocks) You'll have to excuse me!. Barbara: Go for your life. As Terry exits he passes Charlie entering. She is skipping and smiling. He is staggering. She “high fives” him... he goes into a run. Charlie: Hi! Barbara: Hi. You're looking pleased with yourself. (Gossiping about the box) Look what Terry bought in town! Charlie: (Thinking her number is up) Yeah, about that Barbara: (Giggling) He hasn't been for a week! Charlie: He hasn't been for a week? Barbara: No! But I don't think that is going to be a problem! (Holds up the empty bottle) He just took 20 doses of this. Charlie: Oh dear. Barbara: (Referring to the toilet) I wouldn't want to be in there now! Charlie: (Thinking about what she has just done in there) No... me neither. Black out. Scene 17: Jo understands what is going on... Jo, Barbara, Terry and Charlie are on stage thinking... and bagging muffins. Barbara: Come on people, what do we know? Jo: We have names. Asian names. Charlie: Or Mexican. Shimada sounds kinda Mexican. (In bad Mexican accent:) “Shee-ma-da”. 51 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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Terry: (Equally bad accent) Si senior Shee-ma-da pass me the nachos. Charlie: Wee only have dee burritos. Terry: Just dee burritos? How about some guacamole on a taco? Charlie: Oi oi! Terry: I think that's Italian. Charlie: Is it? Terry: I think so yeah. Charlie: I went to this Mexican restaurant. It had these huge sombreros hanging on the wall and everything. Terry: Wow that sounds cool. Charlie: It was cool. Terry: Cool. Charlie: Cool. Jo: (Bringing the conversation back on track) So we have Asian names. A jungle. Enemy G.I’s. Barbara: (Rolling her eyes) Sounds like a Mexican to me. Jo: (Dryly) Oi oi. Oh, no that's Italian. Terry and Charlie: (Seriously) Affirmative. Barbara: So he is somewhere in the Pacific or Asia... an Asian war with the G.I’s. Jo: So what do we have... Vietnam? Korean? Second World War. Terry: What about the secret wars? Especially during the cold war. (Whispering) One word: Laos. Charlie: (Whispering back) Laos? Terry: (nodding) Laos. America's secret war in Asia. Barbara: Not much of a secret. Terry: (Clamping his hand over his mouth and Charlie's mouth and speaking through his fingers) Don't tell anyone! 52 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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Jo: I think we can discount a secret war. Barbara: Laos? They don't play football in Laos. Jack is not one of them. Jo: Let's stick with what we do know, rather than what we don't know. Barbara: OK. There are not many of us. In fact we're dying off and not being replaced. Jo: He is moving from place to place. Like he is on the run. Barbara: He is “holding out”. Roughing it. Terry: Which brings us to this (he takes out his “The Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbook”) page 57 How to Wrestle Free From An Alligator. Number one Charlie: There are alligators? Terry: There could be. Number One Barbara: If there are alligators Terry, then they are going to be imaginary so I think we are going to be OK. Jo: Alligators are only found in the USA and China. Useless fact from a veterinarian. Terry: (He really, really wants to read this) But still Charlie: China is in Asia. Did they fight America? Terry: Maybe in the Korean War. Barbara: Which was in Korea, am I right? Not China? Which is why it would be called the Korean War! Terry: Yes but it might still be useful. (Pointing to the book) Number One Jo: Wait! (Looking at the book in Terry's hand and then towards Jack, a thought suddenly strikes her) What if it's a story. What if he's following a story. (She's thinking out loud now) What if he's not making all this up... but living a story. Not so much mad but re-living something... following a story. Which means that he is heading towards a predetermined ending. You want to know how this all ends? Find the story. 53 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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Charlie: Well that shouldn't be too hard... he hardly watches TV or movies... Barbara: All he reads is the newspaper. He hasn't read a “story” book in years. Charlie: How far back do we go? Jo: That is the question. Terry: Witnesses under hypnotism have recalled information they thought they had forgotten. It's called “forensic hypnosis”. Charlie: You're going to “forensic” dad? Barbara: No Charlie, he's talking about hypnotism. Charlie: You're going to hypnotise him? Terry: Are you joking? He hates me! I couldn't get close enough to him. Charlie: But if you could get close enough, you could hypnotise him? Terry: No. Barbara: Thanks once again for that useful information. Jo: (To Barbara) Wait a moment. Terry, what's your point? Terry: Well, the best results are achieved from events that have made a strong impact on the witness. Not necessarily the most recent events. It could be something from childhood... or yesterday... or somewhere in between. Charlie: (Sagely) Or a past life. Terry: (Trying not to sound doubtful) Yeah... or a past life. Barbara: (Rolling her eyes) But most likely from this life. Terry: Yeah. But the key is the impact of the event. Jo: So in this case, it could be a story that has made a big impact on him sometime in his life. Terry: Yeah. Barbara: Sometime in his life? Can we be a little more specific? Jo: No. That's Terry's point. Isn't it Terry? It could be from his childhood or two days ago. 54 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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Barbara: Well he hasn't read a “story” book for years... so it's not recent. Which is going to make it nearly impossible for us to figure out. I can't remember a story he has read that has anything to do with... this. Charlie: What's the answer Terry? How do we find the story? Barbara: Come on Charlie, that's not fair to expect Special Agent “Ice Cream” Jo: (Stopping Barbara) She might be right. Terry, what would an investigator do about this? Terry: (Embarrassed) I don't know. Barbara's right, I drive an Ice Cream Truck. Charlie: But if you were an investigator? Terry: I'd look for evidence. This story is important to him... at least at some time in his life it was. There might be something, something he's kept. A photograph, a souvenir... something that is significant to him and the story. Where does he keep his old stuff? Important stuff. Barbara: Ceiling. There's a couple of boxes in the ceiling. (Sound effect of an oven timer going off) Jo, that's the final trays of muffins. Jo: 500 muffins. Wow. Barbara: 500. I really am the Muffin Ma'am. Jo: We're running out of time with Jack aren't we? Barbara: If we don't find some answers for Jack soon we're going to have a County Fair that never opens and a ton of muffin based stock feed. Jo: I'm on it. (As she rushes out to the kitchen...) Get those boxes. Barbara: (Saluting) Ten Four. Terry: Orders? Barbara: (As she trots off for the boxes in the ceiling) You two - just stay here – don't do anything. Nothing. Charlie: We could help 55 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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Barbara: (Popping her head back in the room) Bag muffins. Terry: Sure you don't need a hand Barbara: Bag! (She exits) Terry and Charlie bag muffins during the rest of the scene. Terry: I didn't know you were coming home this weekend. Charlie: Bit of a surprise then? Terry: Yeah you could say that again. Charlie and Terry: Bit of a surprise! They chuckle... very pleased with their joke. Terry: Hey Charlie, what's that invisible thing over there? Charlie: What is it? Terry: Dunno, it's invisible. Charlie: Oh, OK. Terry: That was a joke. Charlie: I like jokes. Terry: I know. Charlie: Cool. Terry: Cool. (There is a long pause). Yeah, I didn't know you were coming home this weekend. Charlie: Bit of a surprise then. Terry: Yeah. (Pause) What's it like in the big smoke? Charlie: Actually there's not really a lot of smoke. I mean, there's buses and some of them smoke but no more than your truck. Terry: (Correcting her) Security Operations Vehicle. Charlie: Security Operations Vehicle. I saw this man with a cigar. That was a big smoke. Terry: Really? Charlie: That was a joke. 56 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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Terry: (Chuckling) Oh, yeah! Big smoke! Because a cigar is a big cigarette. Charlie: That's right. I was planning that joke from even before I mentioned the buses. Terry: From the moment that you said “There's not really a lot of smoke”? Charlie: No, from when you asked about the big smoke. Terry. Clever! Hey, that Mexican restaurant sounded cool. With the sombreros. Have you been there much? Charlie: (Proudly) Twice. Terry: (Impressed) Twice! You're a real city girl now Charlie. Charlie: I know it looks like that, now that I'm going to restaurants and supermarkets and I'm all sophisticated... and at the salon I have three Irish regulars, at the salon. Terry: I knew it! I said that you would! (Leaning towards her, intrigued) What are they like? Do they mention the “Troubles”? Charlie: Nah. And none of them know Bono or Collin Farrell. Which is a shame coz they are the only two Irish I know. Terry: I can see why you've moved out. Living in the big smoke must be amazing. Charlie: Yeah, but it’s not all big sombreros and Irishmen. It has its downside too.... Terry: (Nodding knowingly) The criminal underbelly. Triads. Mafia. (Short pause) Walmart. I know. Charlie: No, I mean you get lost in the crowds. And streets and streets of houses all lined up like eggs in a tray. All the same but a different coloured shell. Terry: (Nodding knowingly) All yokey in the middle. Charlie: (Unsure what that means but continuing on...) I'm just another egg there. Here, I'm Jack Fitzgerald's daughter. Everyone knows me. I feel like I 57 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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fit in. Terry: Like an egg fits in a tray. Charlie: Yeah but one of those small trays with the lid. Terry: (Nodding knowingly) An egg carton. Not one of those 30 egg trays without the lid. Charlie: I knew you'd understand. You know Terry, I think you're my best friend. Terry: (Stunned) No way! That's what Jo said! Charlie: Yup. No one gets me the way you do. Terry: We're like eggs in a tray you and me. Charlie: (Agreeing) Likes eggs in a tray. That's why I'm coming home. Terry: (Eyes lighting up) You're coming home? Charlie: That and I owe the room-mates money. A lot of money. Terry: Listen, if you want to save money you should be a vegetarian. Not buying meat is a significant saving when you're not buying meat. You do spend a bit more on vegetables though. And fruit. And nuts and grains. But it's only a little more than you'd spend on meat. Charlie: You're still a vegetarian? Good for you. Terry: Yeah I think that I'm ruined for eating meat. I was done in by that movie about the Football Team that had to eat each other, after a plane crash in the Andes. Charlie: Football players eating their dead team mates. Dad thought that would be inspirational for the team. Terry: (Feeling rather queasy at the thought) Not so much for me. Charlie: No. Not so much for you. (Pause) Terry: Great to have you back.

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Lights fade to black. Scene 18: Suzuki meets Jack. Jack is on stage. He hears someone coming and grabs his mop gun. He lays in wait... Jo walks through the dining room. Jack: (It's a hold up) What are you doing here? Jo: I'm just – wait a minute you can see me! Jack: Of course I can. Crashing through the forest. Who are you with? The Americans? Jo: Who am I with? (Looking around) I'm not with anyone. Jack: Alone? (He looks around). OK. So what do you want? Jo: Now there's a question. What do I want. I want Jack Fitzgerald to come back. That's what I want. I want you to open the County Fair. I want this to all stop and I want some introductions in the community. I want to be accepted as one of you. I want this madness to be over. Is this too much to ask? Jack: (Laughing bitterly) You think you can just turn up and tell me it is over? Huh? Come on! Just like that? If you're really one of us then you'll know what it will take for this to end. You'll know. Jo: (Grabbing hold of some hope) What will it take for this to end? Jack: You'll know. (Hearing Terry and Charlie coming) I'd better take off. Jo: Wait. So if I get whatever it is you need, then this will all stop? Simple as that? Jack: (Stating the obvious) Of course Suzuki. Jo: Suzuki? What? (Jack creeps quickly out as Terry and Charlie enter). I'm alive! I am real. Ha! He saw me and heard me! Charlie: What did he say to you? Jo: He said I would know how to end all this. And, he called me a motorbike. Terry: What kind of bike? 59 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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Jo: I don't know. Terry: Honda? Jo: No, Suzuki. He called me Suzuki. It was kinda weird, but he saw me and we talked! I tried to tell him it was OK for Jack to come back but... figured it was worth a go. Terry: Suzuki? Jo: Yeah. Terry: I'm not sure this is a good thing. Suzuki. Jo: What? Terry: Jack has a Suzuki, and he hasn't been entirely happy with it. Take my advice, you don't want to be someone that Jack is not entirely happy with... and he has not been entirely happy with the Suzuki. Charlie: And he fell off it. Right? Terry: Affirmative. The falling off of the Suzuki was where it all started. Jo: Come on, we talked. It's progress. I'm in the story now. I'm a motorbike. Terry: That he's not entirely happy with! Charlie: A bad motorbike. Jo: (Dryly) I'm a “bad motor bike”? Terry: I'd tread very carefully if I was you. Charlie: Yeah. Jo: (Getting a little freaked out) OK. Yeah, OK. Barbara: (Calling from off) Jo! Come and give me a hand! Jo: (Calling back) Coming! Terry: (Reminding Jo) Very carefully. Charlie: Carefully. Very. Carefully. Terry and Charlie: Very carefully. Jo: (Rolling her eyes, going off to Barbara) OK, I get it.

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Black out as Terry and Charlie shake their heads worriedly. Scene 19: My 30 Year War Barbara and Jo enter each with a banana box stuffed full of odds and ends from a farm kids childhood... they take the tops off, if the boxes have them, and blow away the dust... it is reminiscent of an Arabian dust storm. Jo and Barbara cough and splutter with the dust. They each look through the contents of their boxes. Picking up and putting back various pieces of Jacks childhood history. Jo: (After discarding a bunch of other items she picks up a book, My Thirty Year War by Hiroo Onoda) Eureka! Barbara: What is it? (Jo passes her the book). Jo: That has to be it, right? Barbara: No Surrender, My Thirty Year War by Hiroo Onoda. Yes! Jo and Barbara are ecstatic. Jo: Yes! Barbara: He was right. Terry was right. Can you believe it? He kept the book! Terry was right. Now I am a very, very confused woman! (She laughs). Jo: (Soberly) Thirty years? Barbara: No Surrender, My Thirty Year War. Jo: I'm not sure I have thirty years. Barbara: You don't think he's going to be like this for thirty years?! Jo: I don't know. I don't know how this all works in his head. Barbara: (Flicking through the pages of the book) Look at these photos. Shimada, Akatsu, Kozuka, Onoda, Suzuki... we're all here. Jo: Suzuki? (Grabs the book) I'm a person. (Shaking her head) “Bad motorbike” pah! Barbara: Bad what? 61 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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Jo: Knives and guns... quite the arsenal. Does Jack have...? Barbara: Give me some credit. First thing I did when he started going nuts was move out the guns and knives. Jo: Of course. Barbara: (Flicking through the book) He's a World War Two Japanese soldier... and so are we... Jo: Read the book, we need to know how this ends. I'll get Terry (She dashes off calling for Terry). Black out as Koto music plays Scene 19B: Barbara reads the book. The following scene is a bridge to scene 20. It is made up of several very short, snappy, scenes. It is important not to labour the scenes – this will only serve to destroy the momentum the play has been gathering. The lights come up and we see Barbara reading the “Thirty Year War” book on the couch. After a couple of seconds Jack carefully enters the room with a broom handle spear. He is stalking an animal; he crosses stage and exits out another door. Lights out. Lights come up and Barbara is still reading the book. She is much further on and has a cup of coffee. Jack enters again (from another door/location) and is still stalking”. He exits. Lights out. Light come up a third time. Barbara is on the last page of the book. Jack rushes through the room holding his “spear” high and screaming “Banzai!”. Off stage we hear a crash then Jack re-enters with a stuffed toy impaled on his broom handle. 62 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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Jack: No one messes with Onoda (exits). Barbara: (Closing the book) No, no they don't. Scene 20: Figuring it all out. Barbara, Jo, Charlie and Terry are gathered around the book. Jo: So what do you have for us? Barbara: We actually know a lot already. He's a Japanese soldier in the Philippines, who doesn't know the war is over. Charlie: OK. Barbara: (To Charlie) You're dead. Charlie: Yeah, lucky me. Barbara: Terry has deserted. Terry: Lucky me. Barbara: (To Jo) You are not an evil motorbike. You are university drop out. Norio Suzuki. You've come to look for him, “Onoda”. And you also plan to look for a Panda and the Abominable Snowman. Charlie: Lucky! Jo: OK. But how does this end? Barbara: He surrenders. Charlie: Well that's easy! Jo: Not so easy, really. We've tried to convince him already. I've told him the war is over. Barbara: Yes... Well, he was never going surrender to you. He surrendered to a Major Taniguchi. Charlie: Who's that? Barbara: That's his superior officer. This is where it gets fun. Suzuki here (putting a hand on Jo's shoulder) brings Major Taniguchi to him. He won't 63 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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surrender to anyone else. Jo: So what's the plan? Charlie: We need a Taniguchi. Barbara: We need a Major Taniguchi. (Shows him the photograph from the book). Terry: Where are we going to get one of those from? Jo, Barbara and Charlie: (All turning to Terry) Terry! Terry: No! No way! He said he would kill me if he saw me again! I'm a deserter! Please. I beg you Charlie: Come on Terry, you can do it. It's Akatsu he wants to kill, not Taniguchi. Terry: But what if he sees Akatsu when I'm trying to be Taniguchi? Barbara: I don't know if he would actually kill you. Terry: You don't know? That is supposed to give me confidence? Charlie: If he does kill you, you can use the white cross you made me. Terry: Thanks. Charlie: Come on Terry, will you do it for me? Terry: Oh Charlie, I'm sorry, but this is (crazy) Charlie: (Puppy dog eyes and pouting lips) Pleeeeaaasseee? Terry: No! I can't Jo and Barbara and Charlie: (All doing puppy dog eyes and pouting) Pleeeeeeeeease? Terry: Come on! Jo and Barbara and Charlie: (All doing puppy dog eyes and pouting) Pleeeeeeeeease? Terry: That's not fair! Jo and Barbara and Charlie: (All doing puppy dog eyes and pouting) Pleeeeeeeeease? 64 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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Terry: OK! Ok. Just stop with that... that “thing” you're doing with the eyes and the pouting and the Jo: It does make sense for you to do it. You'll pull off the army thing better than the rest of us. (Buttering him up) Your law enforcement career and all that. Terry: (Not buying it) And I'm probably expendable. Charlie: You're not expendable. There is a pause for Barbara and Jo to agree. They don't. Terry: (Looking at Jo and Barbara) Thanks Charlie! Jo: So what happens next? Barbara: We'll have to get this right or it's not going to work. Charlie, you help Terry get suitably dressed for a Major. I'll draw up the orders. Charlie: Come on, I've always liked a man in uniform! (She takes Terry's hand and leads him off stage). Jo: What do you want me to do? Barbara: You'll go to Jack, and tell him that you've arranged for the Major to come and give him his new orders. Jo: OK. We're really getting somewhere now. Barbara: Yeah, we are but... (she pauses). Jo: But what? Barbara: (Gravely) But first Kozuka has to die. (Black out) Scene 21: Kozuka prepares Onoda for her departure. Jack has his binoculars that are made out of two toilet rolls and some duct tape. He is surveying the area for intruders. Barbara enters; she has a tray with a dainty tea pot, cups, sugar cubes and milk jug. 65 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


My Husbands Nuts © 2009 Devon Williamson Do Not Copy Without Permission

As Barbara makes the tea in this scene it should be reminiscent of a Japanese tea ceremony with a sense of order, dignity and peace. You may be tempted to ham up the tea making to make it a “funny” version of the Japanese ceremony; this is to be avoided as the scene is to be played honestly and with tenderness. Jack: Password? Barbara: “Manila Bay was bathed in the evening sun”. Jack: Good. Barbara: Tea? Jack: Please. Barbara, scoops tea leaves into the pot and goes about making the tea. She is a picture of order, dignity and peace. Barbara: Onoda, I have something to ask you. Jack: What is it? Barbara: If Kozuka was to die. If I was to die, how would you cope? Jack: What are you talking about? We'll hold out Kozuka. You and I. For as long as it takes. Barbara: But what if I was to die? Jack: We are fighting for the Emperor. If we should die Kozuka, our souls will be enshrined at the Yasukuni Shrine. All our wrongs will be forgotten. Our spirits will be at peace. It would be an honor to die. Barbara: Yes, an honor. (Pause) So that's where Shimada is now? The shrine? Jack: (He sighs deeply). Yes. Barbara: Well that's good, isn't it. Jack: Yes. (He looks away, something is troubling him). Yes it is good. Barbara: What's wrong? 66 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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Jack: It is my fault Shimada died – I should have warned him. Barbara: No, it was an accident. You can't blame yourself Jack: (Sadly shaking his head) No. It was my fault. I could have saved him. I should have. Barbara: It was his honor to die though. Right? And the shrine... he's there now. Jack: Yes. It is his honor. But I let him down. Perhaps it was always going to happen; he was too good for all this. I will always admire his goodness, his compassion... We were like family, the three of us. Barbara: And Akatsu? You still mad about him? Jack: (Sighing) No, I don't blame Akatsu. (Firmly) He was not honorable... (softening) But he had no reason to hold out. We're fighters, we have orders... we have a reason to see this out. He made his choice. Barbara: I suppose so. Jack: (Trying to be positive) But we'll hold out. You and I – partners! We can hold out for as long as it takes. (Putting his hand on Barbara's shoulder). Kozuka and Onoda, the strong ones! Barbara: Yeah. Jack: (Joking) You're not planning on leaving me are you? Barbara: No! Course not. We're partners. (Slaps him on the shoulder and smiles) Partners. “No need for rank here”. Jack: (Smiling too) That's right. Well, I'm going for water. Keep an eye out (He passes her the toilet roll binoculars and exits with the water bucket). Barbara: (Standing and watching him leave) This isn't going to be easy on you Jack. (Moving to the side of stage and whispering off) Jo! Jo: (Entering) How'd it go? Barbara: Fine. I'll go to a shrine and live in bliss when I die. Jo: Lucky you. So, how does Kozuka die? Death by toilet like Charlie? 67 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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Barbara: I wish it was that simple. I'm shot. Actually so was Shimada. Jo: Maybe we should put you on the toilet and see if he goes for that. Barbara: Have you been in there lately? (Feeling a little sick at the memory) Terry has diarrhoea. Jo: That's good. Barbara: Good? Jo: Yeah, he was constipated. Told him to get some laxative. Probably just took a little too much. Barbara: Yes, he might have done just that. Jo: So you can't die on the toilet. What then? Barbara: I'm going to fake death by gun shot. Jo: So we need something to go “bang”... and blood. Barbara: Way ahead of you. (She pulls out a hammer and short length of “two by four” wood). Bang and... (pulls out a bottle of tomato ketchup) blood. Jo: Quentin Tarantino – eat ya heart out. (They laugh) How is this going to work? Barbara: OK. Kozuka was shot by Philippine policemen, when he and Onoda were on a guerrilla mission in 1972. Jo: These guys really held out for thirty years. It's incredible. Barbara: It's nuts, is what it is. Anyway, here's how this is going to work. I'll go to Jack, tell him that I think I hear the police coming and am going to take a look. I'll step out of sight, hit the hammer on the wood, “bang!”, and scream while you squirt tomato ketchup on me. I'll stagger back, in a “ketchupy” mess and die in his arms. What do you think? Jo: I think that is... awesome! Barbara: Should be fun. Jo: What about Charlie and Terry? Barbara: What about them? 68 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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Jo: Shouldn't they know what's going on? Jack enters with the water bucket. Barbara: (Whispering and pretending to be keeping watch with the “binoculars” and shielding Jo from Jack) I don't want them anywhere near this. Besides Jack can't see them, so there is little point in involving them. Jo: Makes sense. As much as faking your own death with a hammer and tomato ketchup can. Right, where do you want me? Barbara: Go behind the couch. Here we go. Jo: (A bit nervous about this whole thing but giving it a go. She moves to behind the couch). OK. Ready when you are! Good luck. Barbara: Thanks. (She takes a couple of deep breaths and goes over to Jack). Hey! Onoda! Jack: (Emerging from the “hideout”) What is it? Everything OK? Barbara: Don't know, just heard some noises from over there. Might be Philippine police. (Pauses, then louder to prompt Jo) Might be some Philippine police! Jo: “Any sign of the Japanese?” “Take a look over there” etc. etc. Barbara: See? Stay here, I'll go take a look. Jack: I'm coming with you Barbara: No! Stay there, in case... just in case. Jack: (A little confused) OK. Be careful. Barbara: Of course. Back soon. (She attempts a salute, which only serves to confuse Jack even more. Barbara creeps over to the couch, holds a cautioning hand up to Jack and then moves behind the couch to Jo). So far so good. Jo: (Passing the hammer and wood to Barbara) Here you go Jack: (Whispering from the hideout) Kozuka! What can you see? Barbara: (Popping her head over the couch) Nothing yet! (Putting her 69 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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finger to her lips) Shush! Jack: I'm coming over! Barbara: No! Stay there! (Ducking back behind couch and whispering to Jo) Quickly! (Barbara hits the hammer onto the wood) Now! (She closes her eyes and braces herself for the tomato ketchup). Aaarrggghhhh! I'm hit! Jo: Here goes! (She sprays Jo's face with ketchup). Jack: Kozuka! Barbara: (Standing up and staggering back to the hideout) I'm hit! Jack: Kozuka!!! No!!!! Where are you hit? Barbara falls into his arms, dying dramatically with spluttering and moans. Barbara: It's too late Jack – Onoda! I'm not... going... to... make... it. (She dies, dramatically). Charlie appears at the door. Charlie: What's going on? Jo: (Pushing her out) Kozuka is dying. Get the Major, we need him now. Jack: (Weeping) Kozuka, no don't leave me... Kozuka! Don't die! We're partners... we're strong together. (He holds Barbara close to his chest) I will see you at the Yasukuni Shrine. Be at peace. Charlie: (As Jack sobs) Terry! Come we need you now! Terry enters wearing a ridiculous “Major” costume... a head to toe newspaper uniform. Charlie has been busy with a hot glue gun, tape, and shiny things. Jo: Terry, you're on! Go and deliver the orders. Jack: (Suddenly angry, yelling) I'm going to kill you! I'm going to kill you all!!! You want a piece of me? Come and get it!!!! I'll kill you all!!!!! Barbara is trying to gesture to Jo, without Jack noticing, that sending Terry in now is a bad idea... Jo is not getting the message. Terry: (To Jo, frightened out of his wits) You have to be joking! I'm not 70 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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going over there. Jack continues to rant. Barbara continues to signal “no” to Jo. Jo and Charlie grab Terry and push him yelling and screaming towards Jack. Jack: (Stopping abruptly and advances on Terry) Who are you?! Terry: I'm errr (looks back to Jo and Charlie for advice) I'm... errr... Jo: Crap! The orders! (She picks up the orders and tosses them to Terry). Here! Terry: (Catching the orders, frozen scared stiff) Oh hell! (He quickly opens the order and clears his throat). I'm Major Tamagochi! Jack: (Stopping dead) Who? Terry: (Doubtfully) Major Taniguchi? Jack: Major Taniguchi? Terry: Err... yeah. (Looks back to Jo and Charlie for help). Jo: Read the orders! Terry: Right! (He reads) Your orders from the Japanese High Command is as follows... One: All military activity in the dining room of Jack and Barbara Fitzgerald's house is to cease immediately. Two: You are to surrender to the American’s immediately. Three: you are to return back to Jack Fitzgerald immediately! (He clicks his fingers). There is a pause as everyone holds their breath. Jack: The hell I will! (He lunges at Terry and grabs him by the throat). Barbara: Jack! (Getting Jacks attention) Hey Onoda! Jack: (Turning to her) Kozuka! You're alive! Barbara: Yes! It's a miracle. Let go of the Major! Charlie: (Trying to pull Terry away from Jack) Dad! Let him go! Terry: Aarrgghhhh! Jo: (Seeing the situation getting totally out of hand, picks up a pot from the hideout) Hey Onoda! 71 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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Jack: Suzuki? Jo belts Jack over the back of the head with the pot, Jack lets go of Terry and falls down unconscious. Charlie: Dad! (She rushes over to him and cradles his head). Jo: Barbara! (She rushes over to her). You OK? Barbara nods. Jo helps to clean the ketchup off her. There is a pause. Terry: (On his knees, holding his neck and spluttering). What about me? Barbara: (Reluctantly) How are you Terry? Terry: (Bitterly) I'll live, thank you Barbara. Jo: That might have been my fault actually. Wasn't I supposed to tell him you were coming? Barbara: That's what we missed! I was trying to tell you! Charlie: I think he's coming around. A long pause as Jack looks around groggy, trying to focus his eyes... Jo prepares another strike with the pot. Jack: Charlie? Charlie: He recognises me! (She drops Jacks head, which bumps onto the floor, as she turns excitedly to the others) I'm alive! Jack: Owwww! Terry stands and staggers away from Jack, expecting the worse. Jack: (Getting up) Checking on “three eighteen”. Charlie: You all right dad? Jack: Yeah. Bit of a sore head actually. It's nothing. I'll be OK. (Looking at his fort) What's this? There is a silence as the others try to think of an excuse for Jack's fort. Terry: (Stepping forward) It's me. I made that. Charlie and I were playing “forts”. Jack: (No problem with that) Of course. (Pause, looks to Jo) Who's' this? 72 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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Barbara: The new Veterinarian. Jo: (Hiding the pot behind her back and introducing herself) Jo Robinson. Barbara: “Jopert”. Jack: Thought that was a fella. Jo: Sorry to disappoint. Jack: Veterinarian, huh? Well Jopert, perhaps you'd better come and have a look at “three eighteen” too. Jo: (Stunned) All right. Barbara: Take the farm truck. Jack: Yeah. (Pause) I'm not entirely happy with that ATV (Quad bike). Jack gets his coat on, he's moving a little gingerly, naturally, due to the blows to the head. Barbara: Jo, if there is anything I can ever do for you... Jo: Actually there is, (she pulls out the list of names and phone numbers from the first scene) I wonder if you could make a few calls for me and set up some appointments. Barbara: (Taking the list and smiling) Dean Lane is not going to be very happy about this. Jack: Dean Lane is a lousy quack. (To Jo) You coming? Jo: You bet. (As they leave) What's up with “three eighteen?” Jack: (Voice fading to as murmur as he and Jo exit) I don't think she's eating, she's a bit sore, somewhere, that's the part I can't figure out... Terry: (Tenderly, down on one knee, taking her hand) Charlie... Charlie: (Looking into eyes with deep affection) Yes Terry? Terry: Have you ever jumped from a motorbike through the serving window of a moving ice cream truck? Charlie: No. Terry: Would you like me to show you how? 73 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


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Charlie: (With the same excitement one feels accepting a marriage proposal) I would like that very much! Terry takes her hand and leads her outside. Barbara: (On the phone, very matter of fact) Delwyn, Barbara Fitzgerald. Dean Lanes a quack. It's time you met the new Veterinarian. I'll introduce you at the Fair tomorrow OK? (Short pause) Good. How's Murray? (Listens and agreeing) Yeah, men! (Listens) Jacks speech? (Being off hand and smirking) Who knows what he'll say. My husband's nuts! Lights fade to black. The End. Props House hold Phone (2) Cell Phone Book: The Worst -Case Scenario Survival Handbook by Joshua Priven and David Borgenicht Book: No Surrender – My Thirty Year War by Hiroo Onoda Newspapers Soft toys List of names and phone numbers First aid box Wet wipes Trays of muffins Paper bags for bagging muffins Big mixing bowl Wooden mixing spoon 74 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s


My Husbands Nuts Š 2009 Devon Williamson Do Not Copy Without Permission

Box of laxative bottles and remedies Laxative chocolate bar Mop gun for Jack Binoculars made from two rolls of toilet paper duct taped together. Sound Effects Motor bike start and leave Big car/truck arrives and door open/close Ice cream truck chimes Police siren phone ring tone Oven timer

75 | M y H u s b a n d s N u t s

My Husbands Nuts - USA / Canada Edition  

Barbara's husband is missing on the family farm. When Jack finally returns he is a nervous wreck and will not leave the house... he is suffe...

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