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Š 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Lost for Words! By Devon Williamson

International Version 1|Lost for Words


Š 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Lost for Words International Edition Š 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson

Do not copy, distribute or perform without permission. All rights reserved. USA Theater's please contact: ComedyPlays.Net Email: info@comedyplays.net Web: www.comedyplays.net Australian Theatre's please contact: David Spicer Productions Web: www.davidspicer.com/author/devon-williamson Email: david@davidspicer.com Phone: 02 9371 8458 New Zealand Theatre's please contact: The Play Bureau Web: www.playbureau.com Email: play.bureau.nz@xtra.co.nz South African Theatre's please contact: Web: www.dalro.co.za/index.php/theatricals-permission Email: theatricals@dalro.co.za Phone: +27 (0)11 712-8330 Rest of the world please contact: ComedyPlays.Net Web: www.comedyplays.net Email: info@comedyplays.net Information on other plays by Devon Williamson is also available at his website: www.comedyplays.net

2|Lost for Words


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

About the Play "For the past 25 years Edwin Miles has been an announcer for Classical Music FM. Ratings have plummeted and his station manager, a heel clicking German, has bought out the local Reggae station to increase market share. Edwin is now working for "Radio Reggae" and sharing a studio with a white guy who is convinced he is Jamaican. Add to the mix a mute receptionist and Lost for Words is a side splitting comedy that will have you rolling in the aisles." CHARACTERS Edwin Miles: Radio announcer for Classical Radio FM, 40’s – 60’s in age. Conceited, self-absorbed. Edwin is verbally aggressive but never physically; indeed his physical nature is rather dainty... without being “camp”. He wears a black suit (slightly too short for him), white shirt, white socks, black shoes and black bow tie. His voice is ever so “BBC”. Bongo:

Announcer for Radio Reggae. Age is not important. Relaxed, easy going, friendly and surprisingly insightful. Bongo does not seem to realize that he is white. He wears colorful “ethnic” shirts, baggy “island style” pants and a dread-lock wig. He is bare foot. Bongo has a strong Caribbean accent. He is consistently happy and upbeat.

Janet:

Station Manager, 40’s or 50’s in age, German, harsh accent. A formidable presence. She may have ruled a prisoner of war camp in a past life. She wears business suits. In Scene Four of Act Two she is wearing black leather pants and jacket along with a red feather boa.

3|Lost for Words


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Kate:

Station Receptionist, 20’s – 30’s in age. Mute. Demure, mousy, lacking in selfconfidence. Her clothing is professional but bland. In Scene Five of Act Two Kate is wearing black leather pants and jacket, and is looking fabulous. Kate communicates through gestures, her computer and a small white-board she has on hand. ...................................................................

THE SET The areas of the stage are defined as shown in the following diagram.

4|Lost for Words


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

................................................................... Premier Production... Lost for Words was first produced in 2004 by Tonic Theatre. The original cast/director was as follows… Edwin Miles- Devon Williamson Bongo - John Wason Janet- Jan Ryder Kate - Dana Lingurar Director - Devon Williamson Revised version commissioned by Detour Theatre in 2008 for premier in 2009. ................................................................... ACT ONE SCENE ONE The final bars of a piece of classical music play Lights up on Edwin in the radio station Edwin is a man dressed conservatively in a suit and tie, not a hair is out of place, the desk he sits at has a microphone, a computer monitor facing him, a mouse, seven media awards in a line across the desk and a single piece of paper with today’s show details on it. At his feet is an empty waste paper basket. Edwin That was of course Schumann played by the Berlin Philharmonic Orchestra. I trust you’ve enjoyed today’s show. I’ll be back at the same time tomorrow for another six hours of pure classical music. Until then “bonne nuit” and goodnight. (Edwin presses a key on the keyboard in front of him and the end of show jingle plays. He is smug and clearly believes 5|Lost for Words


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

his own press.) “Classical Music played the way it was meant to be... classically. Join Edwin Miles every day from midday to 6 o’clock. Classical Music... classically presented... by a presenter in a class of his own. Now it’s time for the news and then our evening show live from London ” Edwin turns the sound down and carefully places the mouse “just so”. He takes a final look at the piece of paper, then screws it up and drops it into the wastepaper basket. It is the end of his show and he goes to the door carrying his briefcase. Lights fade to black. ................................................................... SCENE TWO In the black we hear a telephone number being punched into a telephone. There is a pause then the following sound cue is played in a male “robot” voice. Sound Cue: Janet. The radio survey results have arrived. Good bye. ................................................................... SCENE THREE In the radio station. Kate is offering an envelope to Janet. Janet (Refusing the envelope) Read it to me. Kate opens the envelope, pauses, opens hear mouth as if about to speak, decides not to and begins to type furiously. She hits the “Enter” button on her computer and a male “robot” voice speaks the follow words from Kate's computer. Sound Cue 6|Lost for Words


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

The latest survey results for radio audience calculated for the previous 30 day period by Global Media Survey Inc. are as follows... month total (pause), weekly average (pause), daily average (pause). Janet You left out the numbers. Kate types furiously and hits “Enter”. Sound Cue: There are no numbers, see. (Kate holds the document up for Janet to see). Janet (Swipes the document out of Kate's hand) Let me see zhat. Call zhem now! (Kate dials and hands the phone to Janet. Janet starts talking on the phone). Ya. Ve just got our ratingz and you have left out all ze numbers. Can I talk to whoever iz in charge of the rating reportz! (Pause) Janet, Classical Music FM. Account number: 125378. Ya, you can put me through. (To Kate) She is putting me through. (Back to phone) Hello? Zat iz right, no numbers. Ya, Classical Music FM. (There is a long pause as she listens and her face goes from calm to horror). How can zis be? What about margin of error? How can you be sure? How many people are listening now? (Pause) No vun? (“No One”) You mean “no vun” as in “no vun” or “no vun” as in “no vun”? (Pause) I see. (To Kate) He means no vun. (She flicks on a radio, reggae music is heard, she looks at Kate) Vat is zhat? Zhat is not us. (She changes the frequency to Classical Music) Zhat is us. How about now? Vun. Ya. (To Kate) Vun. (She flicks the radio off) And now? No vun. Ya. Ya I know, you mean “no vun”. (To Kate) He means “no vun”. OK. Bye. (She hangs up). No vun. Not even vun. You can't get any worse than “no vun”. No vun is as bad as it gets. (Considers this carefully) Unless there was vun, and zat vun died while 7|Lost for Words


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

listening, zhen it vould be minus vun. (Thinks) No actually that just makes “no vun”. Get me coffee Kate. Zey vill recall me back to Head Office in Hamburg and I vill have to give an account of myself. You may not believe zis Kate, but we Germans are not ze most forgiving of peoples. In fact you may find zis veird, but ve can be a little harsh at times. Ya it is true. You know ve started two vorld vars (“world wars”) last century and ve can't help but feel partially responsible. Besides, if I go back to Germany no vun vill understand me. I have lost mine accent completely. I vas talking to ze Indian man at ze shop yesterday and he could not understand a vord I said. (With a casual shrug of her shoulders) Vat can I do; I am American now. (Back to business) Hamburg vill have zese ratings. Zey vill not understand zem either. I can stall zem for a few days. Zat is all. I need a plan. I must stop thinking like an American and become once more a German! (Looking at the coffee Kate has made) I vill need better coffee... and leather pants. Destroy ze evidence! (Janet exits as Kate puts the survey through the paper shredder). (Black out). SCENE FOUR Reggae music is playing quietly in the background. Kate is at a desk engaged in office duties. Edwin enters carrying a briefcase, walking down the alley carefully negotiating the various trash cans etc., he walks up the steps to radio station. Seeing Edwin coming Kate quickly turns off the radio that is playing reggae music in the background, she waves a demure welcome. Edwin Good morning Katherine. Any messages? (Kate passes a 8|Lost for Words


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

message to him). Thank you. (He enters the studio reading the message, as he gets to his desk he yells) Katherine! (Kate hurries into the studio). Is it not one of your jobs to maintain the highest standards of cleanliness in this facility? (Kate nods looking around the studio in a panic). For every working day, for the past 27 years, at this very studio, what has my public expected of me? Hmm? The highest of standards. We are the pinnacle of radio and we only stay that way by the sheer perfection of my work. Have I taken a holiday? Have I? Dedication allows no such luxury. Oh I accept that I have to carry this station. I accept that burden, it is my destiny, (with a sweep of his hand to the heavens) perhaps even my divine calling, and moment by moment I grapple with the forces of mediocrity, those dark forces of hell itself, and by absolute brute determination I hold this station from the cliffs edge. Edwin picks up the trash can and holding it high tips it up. A single piece of paper falls to the floor. Kate is stunned. Edwin is triumphant. Kate picks up the piece of paper, walks back to her desk and is about to drop it into her trash can when Edwin clears his throat and shakes his head. Kate sighs and trudges out to the alleyway and puts the paper into the large trash can. During this Edwin continues calling out to her. Patronizing. It’s not exactly rocket science is it my dear? The abyss of indifference, that gaping wound of modern society claws at our door. Our commitment to the highest standards is all that keep us from tumbling off the precipice. And you can tell Janet that I don’t have time today and couldn’t be less interested. Tell her I can’t make 4pm. He screws up the message he still holds in his hand and drops it in the trash can. Black out. ................................................................... 9|Lost for Words


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

SCENE FIVE In the black out a telephone rings and is answered… we hear the customary keyboard clatter and robot voice for each line of Kate's phone conversation... Sound cue: “This is Classical Music FM how can I help you?” Keyboard clatter. “I’m sorry” Keyboard clatter. “Janet” Keyboard clatter. “He is not in until 11am. Can I take a message?” Keyboard clatter. “I’ll give that message to him as soon as he comes in.” Keyboard clatter. “Thank you for calling. Goodbye”. ................................................................... SCENE SIX Lights up on the radio station and alley. Reggae music is playing quietly in the background. Kate is at a desk doing office duties. Edwin enters carrying a briefcase, walking down the alley carefully negotiating the various trash cans etc., he walks up steps to radio station. Seeing Edwin coming Kate quickly turns off the radio that is playing reggae music in the background, she waves a demure welcome. Edwin. Good morning Katherine. Any messages? (Kate passes a message to him). Thank you. (He enters the studio reading the message) Oh for goodness sake! 11 O’clock? Call Janet and tell her I’m not coming in today. Then call my wife I Edwin is interrupted by the phone ringing. Kate answers it via her computer keyboard as usual. Sound Cue: “This is Classical Music FM how can I help you?” Kate types furiously and hits “enter”. 10 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Male voice: “Hello”. Kate types furiously and hits “enter”. Male voice: “Janet”. Edwin gestures that he is out Kate types furiously and hits “enter”. Male voice: “Yes Mr. Miles is in”. Kate types furiously and hits “enter”. Male voice: “I’ll put you on the speaker phone.” Edwin looks furious Janet over speaker phone: “Good morning Edvin”. Edwin: Good morning to you Janet. (He glares at Kate). Janet over speaker phone: I’m just around ze corner, see you in a minute. Edwin But There is a click as Janet hangs up and appears cell phone in hand at the top of the alley. She briskly makes her way to the station. Edwin 11 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

To what do we owe a visit from Colonel Klink? Kate shrugs her shoulders. Edwin goes back into his studio. Edwin (Muttering to himself) I shall have the tune to Hogan’s Hero's running through my head all day. Janet enters the Radio Station. Janet Good morning Kate. (Kate reaches for her keyboard) No need for ze Hallelujah Chorus. Vhere is he? (Kate points to the studio) Edvin! Bring your chair in here. (To Kate) Get me coffee. (Edwin approaches Kate hurries about getting coffee) Zhe latest ratings have come out and Edwin Look I’m terribly busy and you know I couldn’t give a fig about ratings. My service is to my listeners and that’s all I am concerned with so if you’ll just Janet That is exactly vhat I am talking about. Edwin What? Janet Your listeners Edvin. Edwin What are you talking about? Janet If you’ll just let me finish! Ze latest ratings have just come out and according to ze polls you don’t have any “listeners”. 12 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Edwin That’s ridiculous. I really don’t have time for this Janet. You know I am the most professional presenter in the business. That is why you can have the title of Station Manager, without having to actually manage getting to the station. Janet Very cute, doll. Edwin I have a devoted public you know that. Janet Actually if zhe margin of error is factored in, zhen it may vell be, zhat not even zhe dead are tuning in to your show. I vanted to be zhe one to tell you Edvin. Edwin (Sarcastically) How kind. Janet Zhat’s the bad news. Zhe good news is zhat zhe International office doesn’t know yet so zhere is still time. Edwin For what? Janet Look Edvin, you can jump or you can be pushed. It’s up to you. Edwin Now wait a minute Janet. I am the most professional presenter this station has ever had. Janet 13 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

You’re zhe only presenter zhis station has ever had. Edwin What about my media awards? Janet Listen Babe, no vun is bagging your standards. It’s you. Edwin What? Janet It’s you Edvin. You’re so very (she searches for a word) … dull. Like Australian sausage. Bland. No meat. Zhat is right, you are not meaty. Someone has to tell you zhese zhings. Edwin I'm not meaty? Janet I am saying you are dull. Have you taken a holiday in ze past five years? Edwin What’s that got to do with anything? Janet Like I said. Jump or be pushed it’s your call. Edwin This is ridiculous! I know for a fact that this station is required by law to have a minimum of six hours of local production. This station needs me. Whether anyone is listening or not. Janet You’re quite right. 14 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Edwin So what the Dickens is this all about then? Janet They’ll vant me to find someone who actually has an audience. Edwin Well what does that mean? Janet Its radio Edvin. If no vun is listening - you don’t exist. Edwin Spare me the mystical experience Janet. Janet Listen Edvin, you’ve had a good run. Time to move aside, zhere’s another generation out zhere. Edwin Who is it? Janet Vhat do you mean? Edwin You have someone else already lined up don’t you? Janet Look Edvin you’re missing zhe point. Edwin You have! After all I’ve done for this station! Edwin Miles is this station. Do you hear me? I am this station! 15 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Janet Well “Edvin Miles”, you’re not any more. Edwin Just like that, some random act of ratings, and I’m dismissed as a dinosaur! Janet Edvin I know zhis is tough for you babe. I’ll call you tomorrow. Edwin (Forcing himself to be calm) It’s a mistake Janet. Some spotty faced pre-pubescent, on his first day in data entry, has made an error. Check the figures. You’ll see. I have a very dedicated audience. Janet I’ve checked ze figures. Zhere is no mistake. Listen take zhe day off. Run a live feed from Hamburg or Frankfurt or… Calcutta. Hell, give “Robo Receptionist” ze mic’... it doesn’t matter coz no one is listening. (Kate hands Janet her coffee). I’ll be back in tomorrow. Edwin But Janet Tomorrow Edvin. I go! (She clicks her heals and strides off, coffee in hand). Kate writes on a small white board she has on her lap and then holds up for Edwin (and audience) to see. White Board: You OK? Edwin 16 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

(Pulling himself together) It’s all a mistake Katherine. I’ve won media awards 7 years running. I don’t mean to sound pompous, but I’m what you call indispensable. Now be a dear and make me a cup of tea. I have a show to prepare. Business as usual my dear. Come on, run along. Chop, chop. Put that call through to Lilly would you. Use the speaker phone. And for goodness sake clean this studio! Kate punches the numbers on her reception desk phone, we hear the numbers play over the speaker-phone… Kate hurries in looks around for signs of mess, sees the crumpled page in the trash can and rushes it out to the large trash can in the alley. The telephone is answered at Miles house. LILLYS VOICE (Cheerful and lighthearted) You’ve reached the Miles residence. If you’ve called for Edwin leave a message after the tone. If you want Lilly, I’m sorry I won’t get your message, because I’m not here right now. I’m on holiday in the Bahamas. That’s a bit of shock isn’t it. First trip out of the country since we got married and I’ve left Edwin behind. Perhaps that’s not such a shock. Edwin may be joining me… or he may be forwarding my mail and messages... (Suddenly harsher). Permanently! I hope I’m not being too cryptic for you Edwin! I’ve gone on that trip you’ve been promising for 22 years. The one you never had any intention of taking. If you don’t meet me in the bar, at the resort, in three days, I’m not coming back. The ticket and your passport are in your jacket pocket Edwin (Edwin checks pocket and takes out ticket and passport). This is your last chance. (Pleading) Please. (We hear a car horn beep in the background, Lilly becomes resolute) That’s the taxi Edwin. Please come or it’s all over. I mean it this time. Resort bar. Three days. (The message cue beeps, Edwin is paralyzed for a moment and then slowly hangs up). Edwin Oh dear. 17 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


Š 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

(Lights fade to black) ................................................................... SCENE SEVEN. Janet enters from the top of the alley way. Kate hurries into the station to warn Edwin... with gestures. Edwin looks for somewhere to hide... there is nowhere. Janet (Entering station, triumphant) Our ratings problem is solved! Edwin (Attempting to put on a brave face) Spotty faced prepubescent data entry error! Janet Heard of Radio Reggae? Edwin Sorry? Janet Radio Reggae. A one-man operation, operating out of a garage. For six hours a day. Edwin (Smugly) Spotty faced pre-pubescent radio. (Beat) Radio Reggae? No, I have not heard of it... and this isn't 1965, you can't run a radio station in your garage. What about a frequency license? Transmitters? This sounds a little fishy to me. Janet 13 percent market share. 18 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Edwin 13 percent?! Janet As of 9am this morning zhat is our 13%. Kate Gestures: “How”. Janet Hostile take-over. Vell not really so hostile… more like varmly embraced… excited… almost orgasmic. It vas an orgasmic take over. Edwin Thank you, we get the idea. You offered a bundle of money, to some backyard station, and they grabbed it. Cunning Janet. Very cunning. Janet Ya I thought so. Edwin How exquisitely German. Buy the opposition, shut them down, seize their market share. A warm feeling is starting to flow in the room. Janet Exactly. I thought you’d appreciate my style. Edwin And so you come crawling back to me. Inevitable. Janet You are right Edvin. I need you to stay. 19 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Edwin I knew you’d come to your senses. Couldn’t do without me eh? I believe an apology is in order. Janet (Dryly) Sure zhing babe. Edwin Don’t worry, I’m bigger than that. I don’t need your apology. I never believed it for a minute anyway. Good sense has prevailed. A professional like myself cannot be easily replaced. Seven Media awards you know. Janet How could ve forget? Edwin “Edwin Miles. Classical Music... classically presented... by a presenter in a class of his own.” Janet Ya. So anyvay I need you to show zhe new guy the ropes. Get him settled into zhe station. Edwin What?! Janet You are zhe only one who ever worked live here. Our system is rather more state of zhe art than Bongo’s been working with at Radio Reggae. Edwin “Bongo”? Janet 20 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Ya “Bongo”. Edwin Radio Reggae? Janet Ya and ya. Edwin I don’t think I’m hearing you right. Are you saying someone called Bongo from a backyard Reggae radio station is taking over my job as classical music presenter? Janet Ya. Edwin (Laughing) And what could this idiot possibly know about classical music? I’ll tell you; nothing! Janet Zhat’s right. But why would he need to? Edwin Why would he need to? Because if the presenter doesn’t create a context for the track, then why bother having a presenter at all? Like you said yesterday Robot Receptionist here could do it! Johann Sebastian Bach, born March 21, 1685… by the time he composed his Ninth Symphony, Beethoven was completely deaf… Robert Schumann had a phobia about all metal objects, particularly keys… Mozart once composed a piano piece that required a player to use two hands, and a nose, to hit the right notes… aware that audiences would only see him side on while he was at the piano, Chopin would sometimes shave only half of his face before a recital… 21 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Janet Odd ball facts. Edwin No my dear it is “context”. It is what brings the radio experience alive. Why else would one listen to the radio instead of playing a compact disk? Janet Look, I don’t zhink you are following me Edvin. Bongo is not presenting Classical Music. He’s presenting Reggae. What use to us is his market share of ze audience if ve are not playing ze music to keep zhat market share listening? Edwin What are you talking about? Janet Bongo is not playing Classical music. He’s bringing Radio Reggae here. Edwin You are not playing that foreign music on my station! We have a proud history here. I will not see it thrown away! Janet Yeah ve have history. Zhat’s it. History. Ve need a future. Hell, I vould settle for a present. Edwin Well I want no part of it. I will not assist in the destruction of our proud history. I’ll resign. Janet Vell isn’t that a turnaround from yesterday. But face it Edvin, you need this place. 22 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Edwin I need this? I don't need this! Janet Need it? It is who you are. Edwin I don’t need this! Janet What else do you have Edvin? Hmmm? Twenty five years at Classical Music FM. Zhis place is all you have. You are nothing without it. Edwin Not here, I could Janet You valk away from this studio and you’ll never step inside another. Edwin Is that a threat? Janet No. I wouldn’t threaten you Edvin. I don’t need to. The vorkings of the vorld (workings of the world) are terrible enough… what could I threaten you with zhat vould even begin to compare? Surely you of all people know zhat. Do you want zhe radio industry to know that “Edvin Miles is resistant to change, not a team player, a quitter”. In zhis business you get headhunted - you don’t quit. But you wouldn’t know zhat vould you Edvin? Tell me, how many times have you been headhunted in ze 25 years you’ve been here? Edwin 23 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Well I – Janet Ya, I thought as much. Edwin I’m a specialist Janet. I admit there is little opportunity for an individual committed to the highest standards in an industry defined by mediocrity. Janet Vell, consider yourself head-hunted by Radio Reggae, in zheir hostile takeover, of your show. Edwin Wait a minute. How are you going to pay for this? If the International Office hasn’t a clue about what is going on, then where is the money coming from? Janet Actually doll, you’ve paid for this. Edwin I have done no such thing! Janet How many sick days have you taken off, since you have been with us Edvin? Edwin I fail to see what – Janet None. Correct? You’ve dragged yourself in here come hell or high water. Stuffed up with the flu, sweating with glandular fever, staggering with zhe diarrhea – did zhat mark ever come out? No? 24 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Edwin I get the picture. Janet Do you know how much money zhat has saved ze station? And ve haven’t mentioned zhe holidays you have failed to take. If you hadn’t been so damn committed to your job, ve could never have afforded to replace you. I guess I should zhank you. Edwin This is outrageous! You are using the money, the money that I have saved this station, to replace me? Janet Bingo. Edwin (Distraught) How can you do this to me? Janet It actually hasn’t been zhat hard. I’ve also got some temporary sponsorship. Edwin What do you mean sponsorship? Janet Zhere’ll be some subtle product promotion on air. Edwin We do not do product promotion on Classic Music FM! Janet We do now. You are right zhat I have been too lax Edvin. I have let ze relaxed American attitude seduce me. From now 25 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

on I vill be running a tight ship and I begin with product promotion. Edwin I will not allow it! (Beat) What kind of product? Automobile? (Janet shakes her head) Medical? (Janet shakes her head) as long as it’s not lawyers. Janet No. Nothing like that. Edwin Thank goodness for small mercies. Janet Diapers. Edwin I beg your pardon? Janet Diapers. Nappies. Poop catchers. Edwin (Absolutely distraught) How can you do this to me? Janet Pull yourself together. (Checking her watch) Begin your show. I have ze promotion here. Read! Edwin (Muttering to himself) I don't “read”. I announce. (Taking a deep breath and getting ready to go “on air”). I am a professional. I can do this. (Into the microphone) “This is Classical Music FM. Do you have the pitter patter of little feet in your house? The last thing you need is the pitter splatter of leaky Diapers. Sparkle Diapers use "hydro-care" 26 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

technology. Guaranteed to stop those spills. So don't let your pitter patter become pitter splatter. I'm Edwin Miles, use the diapers I use. Sparkle Diapers! (Holding his hand over the mic and exploding) Look Janet, I am not doing this!” Janet “Edvin Miles is resistant to change, not a team player, a quitter”. I go. You, sort yourself out! (Edwin watches her leave, he is a broken man. He pulls out a bottle of whiskey and pours himself a wee dram). Edwin Courage Edwin, courage. (Takes a sip of his whiskey. Decides he needs a little more and pours a ridiculous amount into his glass and then drains it in a single gulp. He is back on air). And today’s classic quote is taken from that cheery, little, whimsical play Macbeth. Act Two, Scene Three: “Drink, Sir, is a great provoker of three things, nosepainting, sleep and urine. Lechery, it provokes, and unprovokes: it provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance.” (Edwin hits a key on the keyboard to play the jingle) Sound Cue: “Classical Music played the way it was meant to be... classically. Join Edwin Miles every day from midday to 6 o’clock. Classical Music... classically presented... by a presenter in a class of his own.” Edwin takes a drink straight from the bottle as the lights fade to black. ................................................................... SCENE NINE. In the black out morning birds begin to chirp, or perhaps 27 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Edvard Grieg's "Morning" plays. Lights Up on radio station. Morning. Edwin is slumped at his desk snoring. There is a paper cup and an empty bottle of whiskey lying on the desk. Kate comes down the alleyway. As she steps into the station she is surprised by Edwin’s snoring. Seeing Edwin asleep at his desk she quietly takes the empty bottle and cup out to the alley way trash can. Hearing Janet coming Kate rushes into the studio and wakes Edwin. As he brings his head up we see his airline ticket stuck to his forehead. He swipes it off and stuffs it onto his pocket. He is very, very hung over. Janet and Bongo enter together down the alley. Bongo is pushing a hand trolley with a stack of banana boxes containing reggae flags, island style curtains and various knickknack’s. Bongo is describing Reggae music to Janet... Bongo ...no, it sound like accent is 2nd and 4th beat, that because of rhythm guitar. But it not. Accent is the third, Lady. That's the one. It's all off beat. And slow. Swing time, 4/4 time. Always. Always, Lady. Janet And people like this? Bongo Like? Love it! They love it, Lady. Janet (Entering station) Here it is Bongo. I officially velcome you to Classical Music FM. (She shakes his hand vigorously). 28 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Bongo One Love, Boss Lady. That's quite the grip you've got yourself there. Janet (Bashful at what is, to her, a compliment) Thank you. Edvin, meet your “partner”. Where is Kate? Kate! Janet Vell, I’ll let you kids get acquainted. Somewhere zhere’s a latte with my name on it. I go! (She exits). Bongo My friends call me “Bongo”. (Reaches out to shake Edwin’s hand). Edwin (Refusing to shake) What’s your point? Bongo Sorry mon? Kate writes on her white board, “Ignore him”. Bongo (Chuckling) OK. I ignore him. Kate points to herself and scribbles on the white-board “Kate”. Bongo Hello to you Kate. What’s with the white board? Edwin She’s dumb. 29 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Bongo She can write OK. Edwin Dumb... as in deaf and dumb. Bongo (Raising his voice to Kate) I’m Bongo. (Pointing to himself) “Bongo”. Kate gestures that she is not deaf. Bongo (To Edwin). Ahh you’re having me on man. She’s not deaf. Edwin No, I said she is dumb. Bongo (Wagging his finger at Edwin and smiling) No man, you said she was deaf. You’re a real joker aren’t you. (Turning to Kate) I can see this is a fun place. Lots of joking around huh! Good trick with the white-board Kate. (He laughs). Edwin So (pauses) “Dugong” Bongo (Smiling) “Bongo”. Edwin Yes. (Pause). I'm intrigued, how does a European male, with Jamaican delusions, transmit a radio show from his garage? What’s your background in radio Dugong? Bongo What is that? 30 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Edwin You don’t know what a radio is? Bongo No of course I know what a radio is! What’s “dugong”. Edwin Oh did I say that? Bongo Yeah you said it twice. Edwin Oh silly me. Bongo Yeah. You called me Dugong. What is that? Edwin A dugong? It’s a sea cow. Bongo What? Edwin It is a sea cow. Bongo What is? Edwin A Dugong. Bongo Yeah that. What is that? 31 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Edwin A sea cow. Bongo What are you talking about mon? Edwin That’s what it is. Bongo You’ve lost me. Edwin You asked me what a Dugong is. Bongo That’s right man. Edwin And I said “A sea cow” Bongo Why? Edwin Because that is what it is. Bongo (Thinking hard) OK. (Pause) Nope you’ve lost me. Edwin A dugong Bongo Yes? Edwin 32 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Is a sea cow. Bongo Yes. Edwin Well that’s it. Bongo A Dugong is a sea cow? Edwin Bingo Bongo. You’ve got it. Bongo (Smiling and wagging his finger at Edwin and Kate) You two are at it again aren’t you? Edwin What are you talking about? Bongo A sea cow! Oh that is a good one. So what does it do? Wear a snorkel? Eat grass on the ocean floor? Edwin Yes, actually it does eat grass off the ocean floor. Bongo Do I look like an idiot? Edwin Only in profile. Bongo Come on. Cows don’t live in the sea. (He laughs warmly). I’m not going to fall for that. And Kate’s deaf too huh? You 33 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


Š 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

guys! (There is a pause, Bongo smiles warmly). Edwin Yes there’s no putting one over you, Bongo my good man. Bongo So how does it feel to be a partner in crime at Radio Reggae Eddie? Edwin (Dryly) Orgasmic. (Edwin picks up his briefcase, and exits up the alley). Bongo (Calling after him) Well, I've got a few things, I'll get settled in. I'm looking forward to a bit of company in the studio big guy! So how are you Kate? Kate scribbles a big smiley face on a cue card. Bongo draws some dreads on the face. Bongo That's better! Now Kate, I'm going to get settled in. He unpacks his banana boxes into Edwin's announcing studio. Perhaps giving instruction to Kate to help as he unpacks the boxes. Curtains are hung over the French windows. Reggae memorabilia is put on shelves, etc. etc. The studio is transformed into a shambolic mess with a West Indian / Pacific Island / Reggae theme. The transformation should not take long. Kate's response to this is bewilderment, wide eyed she is unable to decide if this is wonderful or terrible. Bongo (Proudly) That's better. Kate, you eaten? No? Well come on, 34 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


Š 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

I'm buying.(He puts his arm around a still bewildered Kate. As they are leaving Bongo notices an airline ticket outside the radio station. He picks it up). What's this? This yours? No. (Opening the ticket). Oh no, this not yours. C'mon Kate let's eat. I'm going to drive. (He points to his hand trolley that is still sitting outside the studio). Hop on girl! It's a Jamaican taxi! (He takes her by the hand and stands her on the trolley, facing the audience) Hold on! We're off! (He sings a reggae tune as he wheels the bewildered Kate off stage). Black out. ................................................................... SCENE NINE: Edwin enters. He is looking in the alleyway for his airline ticket, checking the trash cans and muttering to himself. Bongo enters. He is wearing a shirt that looks like it is made out of Island style curtain material. Around his neck is a portable shower radio. Bongo Hey were you coming on to me yesterday? Edwin I beg your pardon? Bongo Are there problems at home? Edwin What are you talking about? Bongo 35 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

The whole dugong thing. I checked it out. They’re mermaids... you know, where Mermaids come from... and there ain't no man on the planet that doesn’t have a thing for Mermaids. Edwin (Dryly) Oh yes I was ‘coming on to you”. I have a “thing” for you. Dugong. Bongo Well I’m flattered Edwin, but there is just no way I’m going there man. Edwin I’m shattered. Bongo But, I appreciate the compliment. Good to know I still have that animal appeal. Edwin Goodie. Bongo I’m a one man woman, that’s all. Edwin A one woman man. Bongo That’s what I’m saying. Edwin How resolute of you. Bongo (Wagging his finger at Edwin and smiling) So I’m onto you 36 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

with the Dugong thing. Edwin You can see right through me. Bongo Now, about those problems at home. You should get some help with that. Edwin (Taken off guard) I beg your pardon? Bongo There’s no shame man. Counseling, medication, lobotomy... it’s a brave new world. Edwin I’ll thank you to not offer me any advice, Dugong. Bongo See there you go again. I’m telling ya, I am a one man, women. Don’t let this get creepy. Now Eddie, what is the story with Kate? Edwin You want a story? Alright. Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess who was enchanted by a wicked witch. Bongo (Smiling broadly) Do I look like an idiot? Come on... has she never talked? Edwin (Thinking) She used to talk, when she first started here. Bongo What happened? Did she get sick? Was there an accident? 37 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Edwin I don’t know. That is her affair. Bongo You don’t know? Come on man. There is a story there. Edwin One doesn’t pry into other people’s business, Dugong old chap. Bongo Why not? Edwin Ones affairs are private. Bongo You have private affairs? Edwin Absolutely. Bongo Ahhh. Now that makes sense. Edwin What? Bongo Your affairs. That’s what is wrong at home. You should be ashamed of yourself. Edwin (Indignant) I have not had an affair, and there are no problems at home! 38 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Bongo I have an open mind... but with you coming on to me and talking about your “private affairs” ... you’re pushing the boundaries there big guy. Are all you Classical types like this? You need to tune into Bob Marley “One love, One heart”. (He hands Edwin the tickets). You must have dropped this yesterday Edwin is lost for words; he stands outside the studio looking at the ticket. Kate enters and Bongo follows her into the station. Bongo Kate! How are we this morning? Kate gestures that she is just “OK”. Bongo Well, if it is any consolation, Edwin thinks you’re a Princess. (Kate is confused and looks out to Edwin). Those were his words. Weren’t they Eddie? Edwin (From outside the station) I beg your pardon? Bongo Out there you said Kate was a Princess. Edwin Well, Yes butBongo There you go. Let’s get to work huh? Come on in Eddie. (Edwin wanders into the shambles that was once his studio). Edwin 39 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


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(Gasping in shock and clutching his heart) What have you done?! Bongo No need to thank me man. I know how happy you must be. What are friends for?! Edwin My studio! Bongo Our studio big guy. “One Love, one heart”, remember? (He puts an arm around Edwin). Janet enters catching Edwin in Bongo's embrace. Janet How are you two lovebirds getting on? Bongo What did you tell her man? Edwin Nothing. (Dryly) You’re a “one-man-woman”. Bongo That’s what I’m telling ya. Edwin pulls Janet aside. Bongo pulls out some additional “treasures” and sets them about the studio as Edwin and Janet talk. Edwin I can’t do this Janet. Look at what he has done to my studio! Janet 40 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

”Resistant to change, not a team player, a quitter” Edwin Look at him! He matches his curtains! Janet And you look like you’ve been photocopied. What’s your point? Edwin He’s wearing a shower radio for goodness sake! Janet (Grabbing Edwin's sleeve) And what is this? Camouflage for a chessboard? Edwin He's white! Janet Don't be so negative! Edwin (Ignoring her) It’s a shower radio. Janet (Regarding the shower radio) I like it. It’s… racy. Edwin Racy? Janet Vell it’s a medallion... of sorts. Edwin A medallion? Have you lost your mind? He’s a… (Edwin can’t find an appropriate word). 41 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Janet Free Spirit. Edwin Cretin! Janet I think he’s racy. (She makes engine-revving noises). Bruuuuuuuum, bruuuuuuum. Now zhat I own him. Do you think it inappropriate zhat I call him “Poland”? A pet name. Edwin I am in hell. (To the heavens, sarcastically) Thank you. Really, I mean it, crush me please. Because of your great love. Janet (Referring to Bongo) He is the savior of this station Edwin. Remember that. Edwin (Dryly) I worship thee. God of the “Curtain Shirt”. Deity of the Shower Radio. Janet Bongo, vould you mind if I called you “Poland” now zhat I own you? A term of endearment. Vould zhat be OK? Or a little vierd? Bongo (Broad grin) Only if I can call you Hamburger. Janet No vay! I am from Frankfurt. Edwin 42 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


Š 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

You're a Frankfurter then? Janet Ya. I am proud to be a Frankfurter! Bongo I'll have to think about that Boss. (Bongo is sitting at the computer) Get that curtain would you Eddie, there is some glare on the screen here. Edwin As you wish my lord. Edwin mumbles to himself and pulls the curtains closed. Once closed we can clearly see that there is the shape of Bongo's shirt cut out of the curtain. He actually is wearing his curtains. Edwin is defeated. Bongo Now let’s get started. How does all this stuff work? (Edwin turns to leave the studio). Hey Eddie, I need you in here man! Janet Where do you think you are going? This station will succeed! I am not going back to Germany. And if you ever want to work in radio you will show Bongo how this system works. (She pushes Edwin to Bongo). Edwin This is blackmail! Janet Instruct! Driver! To the staff car! I go! (Kate picks up Janet's briefcase and a drivers cap and scurries out of the studio after Janet. They exit up the alley way stage). 43 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Edwin (Taking a deep breath) I am a professional. I can do this. Bongo Thanks Eddie. I don't know anything about computers. My system was a little... well, retro. Edwin You know, I'm not sure about you DrongoBongo Bongo Edwin “Bongo”, you may have pulled the wool over Janet's eyes but I am not at all convinced that you are who you say you are. Bongo (Broad grin and shrugging his shoulders) I can't make you believe in me Eddie. Edwin Right, well let's get this over with. (He stands at Bongo's shoulder) The system is on. It’s always on. Now, the beauty of this system is its simplicity. To go live you click here... and then “OK”. That over-rides the live feed and you’re on the air. Bongo And what does this do? (He clicks with the mouse and a shutdown sound fx plays). Edwin That shuts the computer down. 44 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Bongo And that’s bad? Edwin Yes, we don’t shut the computer down. We never shut the computer down. Bongo Why? Edwin Because the system is automated and the only way we know what is going on is by what is on the computer screen. Bongo Oh, right. Edwin Turn it back on. Push that button on the front. Bongo This one? Edwin (Sarcastically) No the other one. Bongo There is no other one. Edwin Exactly. Bongo So I’m going to have to push this one. Edwin You’re a genius. 45 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Bongo Thanks man. But it’s a simple system. Edwin Yes it's supposed to be idiot proof. Black out and then lights up immediately to show the passage of time. Edwin looks a little tired; he is trying to be patient. Edwin Right. As I said before, the system is on. To go live you click here... and then “OK”. That over-rides the live feed. Bongo And what does this do? (He clicks with the mouse and a shutdown sound fx plays). Edwin That shuts the computer down. Bongo And that’s bad? Edwin Yes, we don’t shut the computer down. We never shut the computer down. Bongo Why? Edwin Because the system is automated, and the only way we know what is going on, is by what is on the computer screen. We’ve been over this. 46 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Bongo Oh, right. Edwin Turn it back on. Push that button on the front. Bongo This one? Edwin (Sarcastically) No the other one. Bongo There is no other one. Edwin Exactly. Bongo So I’m going to have to push this one. Edwin You’re a genius. Bongo Thanks mon. Black out and then lights up immediately as previously to show passage of time. Edwin looks a little more tired, he is trying to be patient. Edwin Right. As I said before, the system is on. To go live you click here... and then “OK”. That over-rides the live feed. 47 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Bongo And what does this do? (He clicks with the mouse and a shutdown sound fx plays). Edwin That shuts the computer down. Bongo And that’s bad? Edwin Yes, we don’t shut the computer down. We never shut the computer down. Bongo Why? Edwin Because the system is automated, and the only way we know what is going on, is by what is on the computer screen. Bongo Oh, right. Edwin Turn it back on. Push that button on the front. Bongo This one? Edwin (Sarcastically) No the other one. Bongo There is no other one. 48 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Edwin Exactly. Bongo So I’m going to have to push this one. Edwin You’re a genius. Bongo Thanks man. Black out and then lights up immediately as previously. Edwin looks exhausted. Edwin is now impatient and his sarcasm is in overdrive. Bongo seems to be blissfully unaware. Edwin Right. The system is on. To go live you click here... and then “OK”. That over-rides the live feed. Bongo And what does this do? (He clicks with the mouse and a shutdown sound fx plays). Edwin (Yelling) That shuts the computer down! Bongo And that’s bad? Edwin Yes, we don’t shut the computer down. We never shut the computer down. 49 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Bongo Why? Edwin Because the system is automated, and the only way we know what is going on, is by what is on the computer screen. Bongo Oh, right. Edwin Turn it back on. Bongo awaits further instruction. Edwin Push that button on the front. Bongo This one? Edwin (Sarcastically) No the other one. Bongo There is no other one. Edwin Exactly. Bongo So I’m going to have to push this one. Edwin You’re a genius. 50 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Bongo Thanks man. (pause) Have we been over this? (Edwin is in tears, he holds his head in his hands as the lights fade). Bongo It just seems a little familiar. Blackout ................................................................... SCENE TEN. Lights up Edwin is drinking from a whiskey bottle. He is very drunk and merry. Bongo So where do you put the music in? Edwin Well all the classical music we use is located at an online database, stored at our international headquarters in Hamburg. I create a play list from the database and it plays through the system from there. However you’ll have to play your music on this computer. Strangely there is no reggae music on the database. You just put it in here (Pointing to the CD tray on the PC) and then choose the track. As long as you’re “on air”, when the track plays on the computer, it’ll play “on air”. Bongo We’re not on air now are we? 51 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Edwin No. Bongo How do we get on air? (Edwin looks quizzically at Bongo) Just kidding man. (They both laugh… Edwin is a little out of control). Edwin I’m getting some coffee. Put a disk in and you’ll see what I mean. (He exits to reception area and pours himself a coffee). (Bongo looks at the PC trying to find what Edwin was referring to; he tentatively pushes the CD tray open button, the disk tray springs out and gives him a fright. He looks out to where Edwin is for help but Edwin is busy). Bongo (To himself) OK man. It’s easy. The music goes in here. (He pulls out a LP record from a box under the desk and looks at the tray and the record. Carefully he places the record on the tray and pushes the CD tray close button. Of course the record slides off the tray as it closes and onto the desk). Eddie man, I need a hand here. Edwin enters with his coffee and sees Bongo holding the record. He giggles crazily, and wanders out of the studio with his cup of coffee leaving Bongo perplexed. Lights fade to black ................................................................... End of Act ................................................................... 52 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Act Two SCENE ONE Lights up Bongo and Kate are in the studio. Kate is pointing to the screen and Bongo is clicking with the mouse. Bongo OK Princess. And then I... (he clicks and moves the mouse).. and then... OK and that’ll... great... got it. Now let me do it... I click here... select this “menu item”... type in here... and presto! (Kate claps and Bongo takes a bow). Bongo Princess why don’t you talk? Kate is embarrassed and turns away. Bongo takes her arm. Bongo Tell me. Kate writes on a white board. “I can’t”. Bongo Can’t or won’t? Kate shrugs. Bongo Come on Princess. Kate writes on white board: “No one listens to me”. Bongo 53 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Did you say something? Kate hits him with the white board. Bongo Just kidding! Kate turns to go back to her desk. Bongo Hey Princess. When you want to talk, I want to listen. OK? Kate nods and goes to her desk. Bongo calls over to her from his studio desk. Bongo You know Kate we can either be a sea cow or a Mermaid. It’s up to us. You’re a robot receptionist or you’re a princess. It don't matter who other people see when they look at you... it’s who you see in the mirror that matters. Seems to me if you want someone to listen to you then you’re in the right business. Speaking of listening, I was tuned into the station last night and on a program from England they had a radio-play. Why don’t we do one of those? Kate gestures that she doesn’t talk. Bongo Yeah I’d noticed. Edwin and I can do the voices and you can do the sound effects. It’ll be great man. Why don’t you write it? Give it a classical connection so Edwin will be interested. Kate thinks for a moment and then gives it the thumbs up. Edwin arrives at the studio and Kate scuttles back to her desk.

54 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Bongo (Into the mic.) Welcome to Radio Reggae, we’re excited to be broadcasting from Classical Music FM. Edwin is horrified that Bongo is on air. He shakes his head and points to his watch. Bongo (Ignoring Edwin) Today we have a feature on the Cuban underground reggae scene and our feature artist is “Fire and Ocean’. But before that we have a special guest. Eddie Miles. (Edwin gestures “no”). Step up to the microphone Eddie. (Edwin doesn’t move). Come on man, don’t be shy. Tell me Eddie, how long have you been a devoted fan of Reggae Music? (Edwin doesn’t respond. Bongo mimics Edwin’s voice). “Oh I have been a devoted fan for many years”. Really? That’s fascinating man. Now, you’re in the studio wearing nothing but a G-string. What’s that all about? (As Edwin) “I find the wearing of clothes restricts the creative flow Bongo”. Oh really? Tell me more. (As Edwin) “Well it is all to do with synthetic fiber and the cosmic barriers they form when in conflict with organic material such as skin. Actually I’m often found without even a G-string”. OK there big guy. That’s more than enough information for the brothers and sisters. Let’s play a track now while I try to convince Eddie to get some clothes on. (A track plays quietly in the background) Edwin I suppose you think that was funny. Bongo Come on man. A few laughs’. Listen man, if you do a real interview I’ll set the record straight. 55 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Edwin Very well. What are we going to talk about? Bongo I have no idea. (Fading music out and speaking into microphone). That was Tropical Sunrise and now back to our interview with Eddie Miles. It’s great to have you with us Eddie and I appreciate you getting dressed during that short break. Edwin Thank you Mr. Bongo. I’d just like to set the record straight and say that I don’t undress for the radio. Bongo No of course you don’t. Now I hear that you’re taking a trip to the Bahamas in a few days. What’s that all about? Edwin (Taken off guard) I ummm… Bongo Is there someone special in your life Edwin? Are we talking romantic connection here? Edwin Look, I don’t Bongo That’s your business Edwin. I don’t want to get personal. Edwin Thank you. Bongo Now about that G-string you’re wearing. 56 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Edwin (Glancing at the computer screen) Very funny, you’re not on the air. Bongo No man, just practicing. Hey, we’re doing a radio play tomorrow. We need you. Edwin You have to be joking. Bongo You’re not up to it huh? Edwin Not up to it? I’ll have you know I have “acted” in over a dozen radio plays. My characterization is considered to be exceptional. Bongo So you’ll do it? Edwin No. Bongo Shame. The plays about (he looks over to Kate who hurriedly writes “Schumann” on the white board). Schumann, man. Edwin Schumann? Bongo Oh yes. And it’s written by an exceptional writer. Edwin 57 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


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(Curious) Really. Bongo Oh yeah man, everyone is reading her writing. All the time. Edwin I don’t know if I trust you. Bongo Well it is up to you man. If you’re not up to the challenge then that’s fine. I wasn’t that interested in it any way. All that classical music by dead European guys. Not really my thing. Edwin Well I suppose I could do it. Depending on the quality of the script. Bongo No man, don’t do it for me. I don’t care that much for it. Radio plays are such second rate entertainment. Edwin Second rate entertainment?! (He is shocked and offended). I’ll have you know the radio play is perfect fusion of artistic endeavor and audience imagination. The text skillfully interpreted by the vocal artist (he gestures to himself) who’s very inflection opens springs of life giving water to satisfy the parched imaginations of the listeners. When do we start? Bongo We’ll run it live on tomorrows show. Edwin Where’s the script? I shall need to prepare. 58 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Bongo Eerr the script... Kate points to tomorrow on the calendar. Bongo Arrives tomorrow. But an Artiste of your ability hardly needs to preview the work. Edwin (Unsure but not wanting to lose face) No, a quick read through prior to going on air will suffice. Bongo Fantastic. Edwin I remember when I played Prospero’. The rapture it created... Edwin quotes The Tempest Act 5 scene 1. Edwin gives an “over the top” Shakespearian performance. “Ye elves of hills, brooks, standing lakes and groves, And ye that on the sands with printless foot Do chase the ebbing Neptune and do fly him When he comes back; you demi-puppets that By moonshine do the green sour ringlets make, Whereof the ewe not bites, and you whose pastime Is to make midnight mushrooms, that rejoice To hear the solemn curfew; by whose aid, Weak masters though ye be, I have bedimm'd The noontide sun, call'd forth the mutinous winds, And 'twixt the green sea and the azured vault Set roaring war: to the dread rattling thunder Have I given fire and rifted Jove's stout oak With his own bolt; the strong-based promontory Have I made shake and by the spurs pluck'd up The pine and cedar: graves at my command 59 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Have wak’d their sleepers, op’d, and let them forth By my so potent art. But this rough magic I here abjure, and, when I have required Some heavenly music, - which even now I do -, To work mine end upon their senses that This airy charm is for, I'll break my staff, Bury it certain fathoms in the earth, And deeper than did ever plummet sound I'll drown my book.” (Edwin signals for Bongo and Kate to clap. They do so as Edwin takes a smug bow. The lights fade to black.) ................................................................... Scene TWO Lights up Bongo is looking up the alley, waiting. Kate is getting the things ready for the radio play. Janet is holding a copy of the radio play and drinking coffee. Edwin is late. Bongo rushes back into the studio. Janet Vhere is he? Zhis is not like Edvin. He has never been late before. No doubt he is dead. Somevone mistook him for a skunk and ran over him. Zhere vill be lots of blood. I hit a skunk once on American road. Brains splattered everywhere. It vas not good eating. Bongo He is just late. He'll come. But if he doesn't arrive soon you'll have to do his part as well as the one we have been rehearsing. Janet 60 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Oh ya, he is dead. Zher will be blood. Bongo (Into studio mic) That was two in a row from the Reggae Machine. Coming up next is our radio play. That’s right we are getting some “culture” here at Radio Reggae. The play features Eddie Miles, winner of 7 media awards and the first announcer in the history of radio to wear a G-string while on air. Just kidding there Eddie. If you’re listening Eddie you’d better get your butt over here. You’re late big guy. Here’s another track from Reggae Machines 1976 album “In the Jungle, through the city”. (Music starts in the background. To Kate) Where is he? (Kate shrugs) Bongo (Picking up a phone) I’m calling him. What’s his number? (Kate takes the phone and dials the number for him, then hands the phone back). Bongo Hi there - dang, (to Kate) answer phone. Where is he? (Suddenly intrigued by Lilly’s answer phone message). Whoa. Interesting. Kate gestures “What?” Janet I told he vas dead. Bongo It's nothing. He’s not there. By now Edwin is seen rushing down the alley to the studio. 61 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Edwin (Entering) Apologies. Flat tyre. Earthquake. Lobotomy. Janet We thought you vere dead. Brains splattered over ze road. Edwin Sorry to disappoint. Bongo Come on man we need to get this show on the road. (Stopping the music and talking into microphone). That was Reggae Machine and it is time for our radio play. (He hands Edwin a script and points to the start). Edwin takes a couple of deep breaths and then starts. The radio play is “performed” with dramatic abandon and gusto. Edwin / Narrator Today’s Radio Play is called: “The Man, the Music, the Melancholy. The life of Robert Schumann”. Bongo / Narrator Our story begins on June the 8th, 1810. In the town of Zwickau, Saxony. A baby is born... Janet claps her hands once and Kate plays a sound fx of a baby crying on her computer. Edwin / Narrator Robert Alexander Schumann. Bongo / Doctor Well madam your baby is a boy. And look at those long artistic fingers! And that expression of melancholy. I believe you’ll have an artist in the family! 62 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


Š 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

(Kate plays dramatic chords on a cheap Casio type keyboard) Janet / Mother An artist? Oh dear! Bongo / Father Oh no my lad will go into the book trade just like me, his father! Edwin / Narrator Well Schumann loved books and literature but he was destined for greater things. Bongo / Father The book trade is not for you my lad. You are destined for greater things. I have enrolled you into law school. Edwin / Schumann Law school? But father my passion is for the arts! Oh the melancholy! (Kate plays dramatic chords on Casio keyboard). Bongo / Father You will go to law school and become a lawyer. I want to hear no more of this artistic nonsense! Edwin / Narrator At eighteen years of age Schumann faced tragedy. The death of his hero, Franz Schubert. Bongo / Schumann Oh the melancholy! (Kate plays dramatic chords on Casio keyboard) 63 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Edwin / Narrator For a time Schumann followed his father’s advice but the chords of music were tightly bound around him and were drawing him away. The time was 1830. Sound fx: Clock “dong!” Bongo / Father Son! You will finish your studies! The arts are for dreamers! Edwin / Schumann I leaving father! I must create! Edwin / Narrator And with that he fled into the night... Sound fx of motor bike roaring off into the distance on Kate’s cue.. Edwin / Narrator On a horse. Sound fx of horse on Kate’s cue. Bongo / Narrator Schumann’s dream to become concert pianist was becoming a reality. Edwin / Schumann My dream to become a concert pianist is becoming a reality! Bongo / Narrator Schumann confided in his new friend “Clara”, the daughter of his teacher. Edwin / Schumann Clara. 64 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Janet / Clara Schumann Edwin / Schumann Call me Robert. Janet / Clara Robert. Edwin / Schumann My dream to become a concert pianist is becoming a reality! Janet / Clara Kiss me! (kissing sounds play... on Kate’s cue). Edwin / Narrator Yes Clara and Schumann had fallen in love. Schumann couldn’t have been happier. He was in love and his dream to become a concert pianist was becoming a reality. (Aside to Bongo) You don’t think this is getting a little repetitive do you? Janet / Narrator But Schumann vas about to feel fates cruel blow! Edwin / Schumann Clara dear, would you take this huge sledge hammer and hit this tiny tack that I am holding. Janet / Clara Hit zhat tack you are holding vith your delicate pianist fingers? Edwin / Schumann 65 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

That’s the one. Janet / Clara Anyzhing for you my dear. Edwin / Schumann And whatever you do don’t miss the tiny tack and hit my delicate pianist fingers. Janet / Clara You can count on me dearest. Edwin / Schumann Of course I can. Now take a big swing my dear. (Sound effect of huge hammer hit, and a blood curdling scream on Kate’s cue). Janet / Clara Sorry dearest. Edwin / Schumann My dream to become a concert pianist is no longer a reality! Oh the melancholy! (Kate plays dramatic chords on Casio keyboard) Janet / Clara And I can’t help but feel zhat in some small way I have contributed to zhat. Edwin / Narrator That’s right. Schumann’s dream to become a concert pianist was no longer a reality. He decided to become a composer and teacher. In 1843 Schumann was appointed to the faculty of the newly founded Leipzig Conservatory, but finding himself emotionally unfit for teaching, he soon 66 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

resigned. Bongo / Schumann Oh the melancholy! (Kate plays dramatic chords on Casio keyboard) Edwin / Narrator In 1850 he was named town music director at Düsseldorf. However, advancing mental illness, which had threatened him since adolescence, forced him to resign. The time was 1854. (Sound fx of clock “dong”) Bongo / Schumann Oh the melancholy! (Kate plays dramatic chords on Casio keyboard) Edwin / Narrator Madness was setting in. (Kate is about to play the dramatic chords.) Please don’t play that again. Janet / Clara Who are you talking to my dear? Edwin / Schumann Celestial angels! Can’t you see them? Janet / Clara Err yes. Zhis isn’t zhat Schubert thing again is it? Edwin / Schumann He’s talking to me. Janet / Clara 67 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

He’s dead! (Kate plays dramatic chords on Casio keyboard) Edwin / Schumann He’s giving me music! “You, heavenly Schubert, all too soon called home. . . .You are the over-arching celestial spirit that enshrouds its flowers of spring.” Janet / Clara Here, hold zhis nail for a moment. Near your head. Edwin / Narrator The time was 1856. (Sound fx: Clock “dong!”) That same year Schumann attempted suicide... Bongo / Narrator ...and was confined to an asylum near Bonn. Edwin / Schumann Oh the melancholy! (Kate plays dramatic chords on Casio keyboard) Edwin / Schumann (In full dramatic Shakespearean grandeur) To be, or not to be: that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep; No more; and by a sleep to say we end The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep; A melancholy piece from Chopin’s Nocturnes begins playing in the background. To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub; 68 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

For in that sleep of death what dreams may come When we have shuffled off this mortal coil. Bongo / Narrator Schumann died at the asylum on July 29. The time was 1856. Sound fx of clock “dong”. Bongo / Narrator Join us tomorrow for the next exciting episode of The Worlds Famous Composers! In tomorrow’s episode Bob Marley conceives a plan for world unity and brotherhood. Edwin / Marley (Reading from script) Ya man, I have a plan for world unity and brotherhood. “One Love, One Heart”. Bongo That’s the end of today’s broadcast from Radio Reggae join me, Bongo, again tomorrow for more music from the world of reggae. Now we’re back to classical music via a live feed from Venice. Edwin Well, that seemed to go well. But why did Chopin play at the end of a story about Schumann? Bongo (Looking to heaven) Sorry Mr. Schumann! Edwin (Smiling) Oh the melancholy! (Kate plays dramatic chords on Casio keyboard) Bongo Do you think your wife was listening in? 69 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Edwin I doubt it. Kate holds up a CD. Bongo Kate recorded it. Why don’t you take it home for her? Edwin She’s not at home. Kate gestures ‘Where?” Edwin She’s on holiday. Bongo Good for her. Kate gestures ‘Where?” Edwin She’s in the Bahamas. Bongo Hey, that’s where you’re going. Edwin (Unsure) Right. Bongo You have a ticket. Edwin Yes I have a ticket. Janet 70 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

You are going on holiday Edvin? I cannot believe mine ears! Edwin I’d rather not discuss it thank you. Bongo One doesn’t discuss ones private affairs, eh man? Edwin Quite right. Bongo Shame Eddie. Seems like there is a good story there. Janet (Shrugging her shoulders) Have it your vay. But ve girls vouldn't mind Bongo all to ourselves. Isn't zhat right Katherine? He can rev my Barvaian Motor Vorks any day. Bruuuuuuum, bruuuuuuum! Edwin Alas he's a one-man-woman. Bongo You got that right. Edwin Well look at the time. I had better get going. Bongo Now Eddie, tomorrow we broadcast live from the Regatta. Edwin We’re going boating? Bongo (Laughing) Oh you are so funny man! No the Reggae 71 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


Š 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Regatta. Edwin What is that? Bongo It has to be seen to be believed. 24 Hours of Reggae, Reggae, Reggae. Edwin A concert? Bongo A festival; and we are broadcasting from the main-stage. Edwin Outside? Bongo Outside. Edwin Live? Bongo Live. Edwin Live and outside. Bongo Live and outside and tomorrow! Edwin (Dryly) I can’t wait. Bongo 72 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

It’ll be fun man. Twenty five thousand people and us broadcasting live from the main-stage. Edwin Tomorrow. Bongo Tomorrow. Edwin (Flat) Goodie. Bongo The Princess is running the tech. Edwin The “Robot Receptionist” is running the technical operations? Bongo Yeah. The Princess is on tech. Don’t worry man. I’ve done it five years running. You can just hang out in the wings with the brothers. Edwin Wouldn’t that be special. Janet It vill be fun Edvin. I vill be zhere “hanging vith ze brothers”. Bongo Kate’s organized a broadcast van. We’ll pick you up around eight. Wear something casual. Edwin I don’t do casual. 73 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Bongo Well you can’t wear a suit man. You have to dress down a bit. Edwin I don’t “dress down a bit”. Edwin Miles does not “dress down”. Bongo But you can’t wear (lost for words, points to Edwin)... that! Edwin Then I guess I can’t come along. Sorry to let you all down. Bongo A suit or not coming, eh man? Edwin (Sly smile) Terribly sorry. I’m a creature of habit. Bongo (Thinking) OK man. Suit or not coming. Edwin Apologies. Have to go see to my automobile. (Edwin leaves). Janet (Looking at the curtains in Edwin's studio). I have an idea. Edvin vill have a suit. Bongo (Catching onto the idea of making a suit for Edwin out of the curtains). I like the way you Polish think! Janet 74 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

German, Bongo. Ve invaded Poland so zhey too can be German. Now they don't like us. How is zhat for ungrateful? (To Kate) To the Staff Car! We go! Janet and Kate exit as lights fade. ................................................................... Scene THREE There is the cheering and clapping of a large crowd. A spot comes up center stage on Bongo. Bongo Well that about brings the live broadcast to a close here at the 2009 Reggae Regatta, we’ve had a wonderful time here tonight, the bands have been fantastic. I don't think any of us will forget Janet's stage dive... and unfortunately whenever I hear Marley's “No Woman No Cry” in the future I am sure I will relive a German in leather pants, pole dancing. Moving on... hasn't the tech been amazing tonight? How about a round of applause for the Radio Reggae’s Princess of Tech’, come on and take a bow Princess. (Kate steps out of the shadows, she has a reggae hat on and a pair of large headphones on her head, she waves tentatively to the crowd as they clap and cheer). Bongo Fantastic work Princess. I’d like to introduce someone else from Radio Reggae; a real legend in the radio family who is going to close tonight’s broadcast for us. He is the winner of seven media awards, Eddie Miles! Come on out Eddie! (Nothing happens). Edwin Miles! (still nothing). Come on Eddie, out you come. Don’t be shy. Give him some encouragement brothers. 75 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Edwin is tossed onto the stage from the wings. He stands, stunned. Edwin is wearing a floral suit made out of his studio curtains. He looks like a rabbit in a spotlight. There is absolute silence. Bongo Say something Eddie. Edwin Good evening... Bongo (Whispering) Brothers. Edwin “Brothers” Bongo (Whispering) And sisters. Edwin And “sisters”. (Bongo gestures for him to keep going) It is indeed a pleasure for me to be here with you tonight. Thank you. (Bongo gestures for him to keep going). This has been my first Reggae Regatta and it has been very, errr... special. (Bongo gives him the thumbs up and gestures for him to continue...) Your hospitality has been... lively and....warm... hearted. To be honest I wasn’t sure what to expect and this has been... all that… and more. (The crowd cheers. Gaining some confidence from the crowd’s reaction) I’m reminded of a story I heard a long time ago. (Bongo tries to take the microphone off Edwin but Edwin has an audience and won’t give it up). I haven’t finished Mr. Bongo! The story’s events supposedly happened during Queen Anne’s War between France and England... sometime in the early 1700’s. A small vessel was wrecked in the North Sea near an English coastal village. The crew all perished but as fate would have it the 76 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

vessel’s sole survivor was a pet ape belonging to the illfated crew. Clinging to a plank the ape was washed ashore and captured by fishermen. The villagers had never before seen such a peculiar character, but they were not to be fooled by his hairy disguise and outlandish chatter. The following day, the monkey was tried by court martial, found guilty and hanged as a French Spy. I suppose I wondered if I might be that monkey. But I suspect I am more like the Villagers. We can all be a bit like that; afraid of things that are different. Things that are outside of our experience. As your Robert Marley has said, “One Love, One Heart”. The crowd erupts into cheers and applause. Edwin nods a “modest” bow to the audience and the lights fade. ................................................................... Scene FOUR Lights Up on the reception area of the station. Kate is making coffee; Janet is on the phone... and is wearing leather pants. Janet Ya, I vant to talk to whoever iz in charge of the rating reportz! Janet, Classical Music FM. Account number: 125378. Ya, you can put me through. (To Kate) She is putting me through. (Back to phone) Hello? How many people are listening to our station now? (Pause) Really? Vat is zat as a percentage? 17%? (To Kate) “He said 17%” (Back to phone) Ya zhat is bloody incredible. (To Kate) He zhinks it is bloody incredible. (Back to phone) Ya, you can send zhat through to the Head Office. (To Kate) He is sending it through to head office. (Back to phone) Zhat is all. Good bye! (She hangs up. Sensually caressing her leather pants) I feel so good I could invade Poland. Tell me Kate, do you own leather pants? No? Vell I vill have to remedy zhat. Ve go! (Pause and she softens) How about this time I drive you? 77 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Janet takes the briefcase and drivers cap from Kate and they exit). ................................................................... Scene FIVE Lights Up Bongo enters, carrying a large board with “Bongo” written on it. He sets about fixing it over a billboard advertisement for Edwin’s classical music show in the alley. He will need to take enough time for Kate to change her costume. Just as he finishes Kate walks down the alley wearing leather pants and jacket. Bongo Well look at you! I like it. Don't tell Eddie about the sign. Here he comes! Try to look natural. Kate and Bongo strike “natural' poses. Edwin appears at the top of the alley and enters. He does not notice the sign. Bongo I could have died when you said, “One Love, One Heart” at the regatta. Edwin Yes they seemed to appreciate that little connection. Bongo Did you mean what you said? Edwin I can hardly remember what I said. Bongo Oh come on, man. Your speech, it was beautiful. 78 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


Š 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Edwin Really. It was nothing. An improvisation. Nothing more. Completely out of character Kate grabs Edwin threateningly and holds a fist to his face. Edwin and Bongo are stunned. Edwin OK, all right. Yes I suppose I did mean it. Kate lets him go and then gives Edwin a friendly, but solid, slap on the shoulder. Edwin My word Katherine what's got into you? Kate just smiles and walks into the studio. Edwin and Bongo watch her go and can’t help but exchange looks. From the station Kate listens to the conversation. Bongo Ha! Looks like the Princess getting a bit of spirit back. Edwin How curious. (Calling Bongo downstage away from the station) If I might have a word. I fear I may be guilty of judging a book by his cover, Bongo old chap. Bongo None of us are what we seem Eddie. Edwin I fear some of us are. (Beat) What do you mean? Bongo The trick is to get the inside connected with the outside. 79 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Edwin How pleasantly mystical Bongo. Is that one of Mr. Marley’s? Bongo No that’s mine. You owe me for that. Edwin What’s your point Bongo? Bongo No point Eddie. Edwin Oh come on you have something to say. Let's just be done with it. Bongo I heard Lilly’s message. Listen Eddie, I think she is serious. Lilly is not going to wait forever. Eddie (With bravado) Please Bongo. Everything is just so simple with you isn’t it? Bongo Let me make it simple for you. Do you want Lilly or not? Eddie Look, I am not going to discuss this with you. Bongo Do you want her or not? Eddie Oh, please! Bongo 80 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Yes or no! Eddie She is my wife isn’t she? Bongo For how long? Edwin Oh course I want her! Bongo Then go to her. What is that, if not simple, man? Eddie Listen Bongo it is not as simple as that. Bongo I don’t know what you’re afraid of or what your issues are. I don’t even know if you know. But today you have a choice. Tomorrow you might not have that luxury. Eddie I’m just supposed to go? Turn around and catch a flight to the Bahamas? Bongo What do you want? (There is a silence as Eddie and Bongo eyeball each other). Eddie OK. Bongo OK what? 81 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Eddie OK. Get me a bloody taxi! Bongo (Stunned) You’re going now? Eddie Well I had better. (He looks at his watch) The plane leaves in an hour. Bongo We don’t need a taxi man. Eddie What? Bongo (Proudly) I can take us! (He whips an old cover off an object in the alleyway to reveal a scooter or old wreck of a motorbike. He hands an old flying helmet and goggles to Edwin) Safety first! Get on! Eddie looks doubtfully at the motor bike and old flying helmet. Bongo Come on man. We don’t need no taxi! Bongo and Edwin jump onto the motorbike. Bongo tries to start it. It won’t start. Bongo We need a taxi. Come on man! (Bongo grabs Edwin by the arm and runs off up the alley pushing the motorcycle calling for a taxi. Kate watches Edwin leave, glances at her watch and the radio studio). 82 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Lights fade to black. ................................................................... Scene SIX Airport sound fx play in the background. Lights up in the neutral area of the stage that was also used for the Reggae Regatta concert scene. Bongo and Edwin enter from the side of the stage in a rush. They are at the airport, at the departure gate. Airport sound fx are playing in the background. We see a flight attendant to the side of the stage with her back to the audience. It is the actor who has played Janet. Bongo So here we are. Passport? (Edwin nods) Tickets? (Edwin nods) Off you go Eddie. Edwin I’m not sure. What if she’s not there? Bongo You’ll never know will you? Go man. Edwin I can’t. I can’t go to the Bahamas in this. Bongo So you want to dress down now do you? Edwin She’ll be back. What am I thinking? I almost let you talk me into this. Thank you Bongo, I know you mean well but83 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Bongo You’re right. I mean look at you man. You can’t go to the Bahamas in that. What was I thinking? Edwin Yes indeed. Bongo (Taking off his reggae style shirt) Here take this. Edwin I can’t – Bongo Of course you can man. Come on… Bongo helps Edwin out of his jacket and helps him put the shirt on. Bongo Go man. You know you want to. Edwin Yes. Thank you. Bongo No problem. Oh, I have something for you. (Reaches into his shoulder bag and pulls out a paper bag). Just so the villagers don’t take you for a French spy. Edwin opens the bag and pulls out a dread-lock wig identical to Bongo’s hair. Bongo Put it on man. (Edwin does so). Fantastic! Now go! Edwin 84 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Bongo, who are you? Bongo What did Janet say? Edwin (Perplexed) I believe she said you were “racy” and then made engine noises. Bongo She got a way with words. No man, I'm the Savior of your station. (Slaps Edwin on the shoulder and laughs). Edwin (Laughing) You might just be that. Bongo Now get out of here! They shake hands and then embrace, Edwin begins to exit. Suddenly he stops and calls back in a panic... Edwin I say, who’s running the show? Bongo (Broad grin). That’s my problem. Have a little faith. Go man! Edwin waves and exits stage. Bongo waves, and then puts Edwin’s jacket on. He turns on the shower radio he is wearing, we hear the static as he finds the station. The lights come up on the studio. Kate is at the microphone. Kate That was Bob Marley and the Wailers. It's wonderful to have you all listening to me here at Radio Reggae. This next track is something a little different for our Radio Reggae listens. 85 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

It's Schumann played by the Berlin Philharmonic Orchestra. This is a special dedication to Edwin Miles and our regular announcer Bongo. Have a fantastic trip Edwin. Thanks everyone for listening in. Kate hits a key on the keyboard and the music starts. Lights on Kate fade out. Bongo chuckles, looks around to make sure no one is looking and takes off his wig. He chuckles again, then clicks his fingers. The lights immediately go off. The End. ................................................................... Credits The story of the ape that Edwin tells in Act Two is apparently true. There are many versions of the story including one from “Keep Up With the World”, by Freling Foster, 1949. No longer in print. ................................................................... COSTUMES Bongo:

Baggy island style beach pants, three reggae / pacific island shirts. Throughout the second act he also “wears” a shower radio. Bongo does not wear shoes. Dread-lock wig.

Edwin:

Black suit, white shirt, braces, black shoes, black bow tie.

Kate:

Plain casual but tidy clothes. The same set of

86 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


© 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

clothes are worn throughout the show except the very last scene where she is “dressed up” and looks lovely in comparison to the rest of the show. Janet:

Business / Power suits. Her dress should contribute to her formidable presence. ...................................................................

SET and PROPS LIST 2 Computer systems 2 office desks 3 office chairs 1 car or motorcycle Lamp post 2 Barrels Garbage and trash cans French Windows Reggae style curtains Small bench Coffee pot, cups etc Waste paper basket Microphone Telephone (with speaker phone) Whisky bottle and glass Small white board, duster and pens. 7 small free-standing media awards Headphones (worn by Kate at Reggae Festival) 4 Radio play scripts Briefcase (Edwin) LP Record (Bongo) Tickets Passport ...................................................................

87 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


Š 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Other Plays By Devon Williamson My Inlaws are Outlaws Cast: Flexible casting with 4 to 6 female and 2 to 4 male actors. Length: Two Acts (110 minutes) Genre: Comedy Annie discovers her in-laws are outlaws... and her mother in-law has hired a mad group of assassins to kill her! How will Annie, a mild mannered Librarian, outwit the best of the Italian, Russian and Irish contract killers? This is outrageous; laugh out loud comedy at its best. The Old People Are Revolting Cast: 5 Female / 2 Male Length: Two Acts (120 minutes) Genre: Comedy The Old People Are Revolting! is a hilarious comedy about seniors seeking revenge! The residents of the Sunshine Retirement Village have had enough: they're revolting! Fed up with being ignored, and relegated to the sidelines of life they've decided to prove to the world just how dangerous seniors can be! Bursting with eccentric characters and crazy shenanigans the play is great fun to stage and a huge audience pleaser. How To Train Your Husband Cast: 5 Female / 2 Male Length: Two Acts (120 minutes) Genre: Comedy This madcap comedy addresses an issue close to every woman's heart –how to train your husband! Sound impossible? Not when you have a legendary Husband Trainer living right next door. The play follows the adventures of three generations of the Smith family as they attempt to turn their men into fully trained members of the opposite sex. Nothing quite goes according to plan and the result is a hilarious comedy with plenty of unexpected twists and turns. Understanding Women Cast: 3 Male / 1 Female Length: Two Acts (110 minutes) Genre: Comedy 88 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


Š 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Mike, Dave and Julian spend a weekend in a garden shed determined to break an age-old mystery. Armed with a case of beer, a box of girlie magazines and a holy book they are going to "understand women". What they discover is not quite what they expected. Understanding Women is a comedy play for both sexes! Crazy Ladies Cast: 5 Female / 1 Male Length: Two Acts (110 minutes) Genre: Comedy Pamela Browne has organized a 25 year reunion for her four best High school friends. From the moment Kay, now a chocoholic gun toting funeral director, arrives the wheels begin falling off Pamela’s meticulously planned weekend. Added to the mix is Sandy, who is now a Nun, Dianne, married the school nerd and a mother of eight sons, Rachel, a runaway teenager on a mission to dig up some dirt on her mother, and Shaun, the greasy motel janitor. This outrageous comedy is a rollercoaster ride of emotion. Menopause Made Me Do It Cast: 5 Female / 1 Male Length: Two Acts (120 minutes) Genre: Comedy It has been ten years since the last reunion of the Crazy Ladies. Menopause has arrived and the ladies are crazier than ever. The mission is to convince Kay, the gun totting tom-boy, to marry Shaun (the guy she once kidnapped and held accountable for the sins of all men). Hilarious... poignant... utterly mad. While this is the second "Crazy Ladies" play, it can be performed with or without a prior production of the original "Crazy Ladies". My Husbands Nuts Cast: 3 Female / 2 Male Length: Two Acts (120 minutes) Genre: Comedy Barbara's husband is missing on the family farm. When Jack finally returns he is a nervous wreck and will not leave the house... he is suffering from Agri-phobia (the fear of agriculture)... and is convinced that he is Hiroo Onoda - a Japanese soldier holding out on an island after world war Two. Barbara's husband is nuts. The only 89 | L o s t f o r W o r d s


Š 2004, 2008 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

people she can trust with this information is the new vet and the village idiot. How will they restore Jacks mind without the help of the medical profession... or common sense?

90 | L o s t f o r W o r d s

Lost for Words - USA / Canada Edition  

For the past 25 years Edwin Miles has been an announcer for Classical Music FM. Ratings have plummeted and his station manager, a heel click...

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