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Š 2005, 2006 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.


© 2005, 2006 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Crazy Ladies (Australian Edition) © 2005, 2006 Devon Williamson Do not copy, distribute or perform without permission. All rights reserved. For Australian performance information please contact: David Spicer Productions 274 Military Road Dover Heights NSW 2030 Australia Web: PH: 02 9371 8458 Fax: 02 9371 8458

Information on other plays by Devon Williamson is also available at his website: About the Play Pamela Browne has organised a 25 year reunion for her four best friends from High School. From the moment Kay, now a chocoholic gun toting funeral director, arrives the wheels begin falling off Pamela’s meticulously planned weekend. Added to the mix is Sandy, who is now apparently a Nun, Dianne, married the school nerd and a mother of eight sons, Rachel, a runaway teenager on a mission to dig up some dirt on her mother, and Shaun, the greasy motel janitor. This outrageous comedy is a roller-coaster ride of emotion. Characters 1. Dianne Bartlett: Neck brace and two broken arms, clumsy, dizzy, not too smart, mother of eight. Married to the school nerd. Home-maker. Secret smoker. 2. Sandy: Dressed as a nun. Good sense of humour and a mostly well adjusted individual. 2

© 2005, 2006 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

3. Rachel Jr Simpkin: Daughter of apparently deceased mother. 4. 5. 6.


Rebellious teenager. Rachel Sr Simpkin: Original member of the gang. Formerly best friend of Kay. Kay: Chocoholic. Funeral director, street smart, a little rough around the edges. Pamela Browne: Organiser of the weekend, career woman, 8 weeks pregnant (not noticeable), obsessively ordered and clean. Dressed in a woman’s business suit. Shaun Phillips: Motel employee. Former high school stud who is a shadow of his former self.

Note: Both Rachel Jr and Rachel Snr are played by the same actor. Set An average motel room kitchen and lounge. Stage left and right each have a door leading off to a bedroom. Upstage is the motel room entrance door. The motel is sparsely yet tastefully furnished with a couch, small dinning room table and chairs, television and kitchen appliances. Premier Production... Crazy Ladies was first produced in 2006 by Detour Theatre. The original cast/director was as follows… Dianne Bartlett - Janice Emery Pamela Browne - Susi Jansen Rachel Jr and Sr - Katharyn Roxburgh Sandy - Jan Ryder Kay - Kim Williamson Shaun Phillips - Liam Hagan Director - Devon Williamson Act One. Scene One. A car is heard approaching the motel. It pulls up and stops, a door opens and closes, there is a knock at the motel room door, it opens and Kay looks in...


Š 2005, 2006 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Kay Hello? (Pause) Hello? (She takes a look at the number on the door, pulls out a piece of paper from her pocket and refers to it, looks back in the room, takes a look at her watch, takes a chocolate bar from her pocket and walks off unwrapping it). Enter Shaun, greasy, unshaven, bad teeth and bad fashion. He takes a moment to watch Kay walk away before entering. He has a trolley of cleaning products and devices. Noticing that the door is open he calls inside. Shaun Ya decent? (Takes a quick look around, closes the door, plugs in the vacuum cleaner, lines up a dozen or so spray bottles and cans from his trolley onto the table, kicks the vacuum cleaner into action, lights up a cigarette, grabs a girlie magazine from his trolley and lies back on the couch. Shaun proceeds to smoke, flick through the magazine, scratch himself and periodically reaches for a bottle or can to spray randomly into the air). The door opens. It is Pamela with the room key in her mouth and a small wheeled-suitcase at each hand. She watches Shaun for a little while and then struts over to the vacuum cleaner and kicks it off. Shaun

Hey, I'm working here.

Pamela (Not at all convinced but polite all the same) Yes. I have this room booked. Shaun


Pamela Yes. Shaun

Well, I'm about done here.

Pamela I see you're making a real effort. Shaun

Now don't be like that. I have a system.

Pamela Good for you.


© 2005, 2006 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.


Ya wanna give me a hand packing this stuff up?

Pamela Not really, no. (She takes a look around the motel room). Shaun Alright then. Have we met before? You seem a little familiar. (Offers her a cigarette which she declines). Pamela Oh please. Do those pick-up lines actually work on anyone? Shaun (With a grin) You'd be surprised. I got a system. (Packing up his gear). For the record... “My job is not completed, however, as you have insisted on taking the room in its current state I will oblige”. Pamela Thank you. Shaun

Sure we haven't met?

Pamela (Pointing to the door) Thank you for... “preparing” the room. Goodbye. Shaun tosses the girlie magazine to Pamela and leaves. Shaun

Just call if you need any... “room service”.

Repulsed and holding the magazine between two fingers Pamela drops it into a rubbish bin. She rolls one suitcase into a bedroom and begins unpacking folders, name tags etc from the other at the dinning room table. She is just putting on her name tag when there is a knock at the door. Shaun

Finished with that magazine?

(Pam closes the door in his face) Shaun

(From outside) Hey! (pause) I'll be back later darlin'.




© 2005, 2006 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

There is a knock at the door. Pamela Please leave me alone! Kay

(Outside door) Sorry, wrong room.

Pamela No, sorry. (Opening door) Kay? Kay! Kay

Hello stranger!

Pamela Come on in! (She shakes Kay's hand). Kay (Feeling weird about having her hand shaken) Anyone else here? Rachel here yet? Pamela No, not yet. You're early. Ten minutes. But here's your welcome basket, information pack, programme and name tag. Welcome to the weekend. Kay (Looking at her handful off “stuff”). OK. (Holding up the name tag and noticing Pamela's). Who all is coming? Pamela The gang. The whole gang. Dianne, Rachel, Sandy, you and me. Kay

The gang. Yeah. Nice place huh?

Pamela Good choice. Kay

It was the least I could do.

Pamela It was all you did. Kay

Like I said, the least I could do.

Pamela (Smiling) Put your name tag on. Kay you.

You're joking, right? I'll just get my bag. It's good to see


© 2005, 2006 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

(Kay exits for her bag. We hear a car door open and close. Pamela returns to organising her folders etc. Kay enters with her bag). Kay

So where are we sleeping?

Pamela (Brightly) It's all in your folder. Kay


Pamela Your information folder. Kay Right. (Walking over to a side door where Pamela had earlier placed her bag) These the bedrooms? (Throws her bag into the room). Pamela I think you're in the other Kay (Throwing herself on the couch) So what's new? You married? Got kids? Work? Pamela We'll all talk about that together later. (Long pause that eventually gets too uncomfortable) Married. Work in HR. Kay

Me too.

Pamela Human Resources? Kay

Human recycling.

Pamela Huh? Kay

That's my hearse out there.

Pamela (Going to the window). Wow. That's an... “interesting” line of work. Kay Yeah, well, I like it. Meet a lot of nice people. And some real rat bags too. Pamela I guess.


Š 2005, 2006 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.


Good money and benefits.

Pamela And a car. Kay

Yep, and a car.

Pamela Looks like Dianne! Kay

(Going to window) Where? The mummy?

Pamela (Goes to table and grabs a folder, programme, name tag etc.) Put your name tag on. (There is a knock at the door). Get the door. Kay (Saluting) Yes ma'am. (She opens the door to reveal Dianne standing with a large suitcase and sporting two broken arms and a neck brace). The mummy returns! Dianne



King Tut? Come on in! (They hug).

Pamela Dianne! Dianne Pamela? (She reaches out for hug but is met by an outstretched hand, there is an awkward moment as neither women know what to do. Finally Dianne wraps Pamela in a bear hug... as best she can with her arms in casts). Pamela (Extracting herself from Dianne's embrace) Here's your welcome basket, information pack, programme and name tag. (She piles all the stuff onto Dianne). Dianne

Great. Thanks.


Let me help you with all this. What happened to you?


Skateboard accident.


© 2005, 2006 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Pamela You ride a skateboard? Kay

Now that I have to see.


Not mine, silly. I don’t ride a skateboard.

Kay Maybe you don’t, but I will treasure the mental image for eternity. I think there is another room through here. (She leads her off stage). Pamela It's all in the information pack. Just check the details there. (She opens her folder to check, in a panic). No. You're in the other room. Girls, I think you need to swap. It's all organised! (There is a knock at the door). Oh dear. (She opens the door). (Sandy stands at the door with a bottle of gin in one hand and wearing a nuns habit). Pamela (Surprised) Hello? Sandy

Hi Pam!

Pamela Rachel? Sandy

Rachel?! Come on girl it's me, Sandy!

Pamela Sandy? Oh sorry! Sandy

Well can I come in? Any room at the Inn? (Laughs).

Pamela Sorry. Yes. Come on in. Welcome (she shakes Sandy's hand). Now, here is your welcome basket, information pack, weekend programme and name tag. Sandy

What is this? An Amway conference?


(Coming out of bedroom) Pamway more like.




© 2005, 2006 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.


What the hell are you wearing?!

Pamela (Trying to quieten Kay) Kay, she's a nun. Kay

I can see that.

Sandy I'm sorry, it's a habit. Get it! (Kay and Sandy laugh and hug). What’s with the hearse? Kay

It’s mine. Work.

Pamela Dianne's here too. We're just waiting for Rachel now and then the gangs back together. Dianne (Entering with a sweatshirt wrapped around her head and arms). Can someone give me a hand here? Sandy

Dianne? Is that you? What happened?

Kay Fell out of the half pipe at an X-Games final. Shame, she could have won. Lost a fortune in potential endorsements. Dianne

I tripped over a skateboard in the kitchen.


Of course you did.

Sandy finishes helping Dianne and they hug and greet each other. Kay

(Going into kitchen) Coffee?

Dianne and Kay

Yes please / Oh yeah.

Pamela How about we wait until we are all here. Kay (Winking at Dianne) Honey, Dianne will never be all here, and besides, we can inject more caffeine when Rachel gets here. Pamela (Pointing to schedule page) You see on the schedule Kay

All in favour of coffee?


© 2005, 2006 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Dianne and Sandy Kay


Coffee it is.

(There is a knock at the door) Pamela That'll be Rachel. I'll get it. (She opens the door, takes a look at Shaun) Please go away. (Closes the door). Kay

Not Rachel huh?

Pamela What gave it away? Kay

Intuition. Where is she?

Pamela Yeah. It's just a creepy guy I met earlier. Kay You got some creep giving you trouble? I'll sort him out. (She pulls out a handgun out of her purse). Where is he? Dianne

What is that?!

Kay (With much affection) It's a “Glock 17”. 9 mm Calibre. State of the art “creep deterrent”. Sandy

Oh yeah, of course a “Glock 70”. I knew that.


Glock 17.

Pamela Put that away! You'll shoot somebody. Kay

That is what these things are useful for...

Pamela Put it away! Kay ...that and stopping stuff rattling around in your handbag... but mainly for shooting. Pamela Put it away!


© 2005, 2006 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Kay Well, just let me know if you need any help. With this little honey I don’t need anyone looking out for me. I am self sufficient. Could have done with him years ago, let me tell ya. Sandy Is that how you drum up business when things are a little slow at the funeral home? Dianne Sandy, you shouldn't joke about things like that. (Quietly to her) She might shoot you. Kay (Putting her gun away) You can't shoot nuns. They're a protected species. Officially they are classified as an endangered Penguin. Sandy

She's right you know.

Pamela Are you making coffee or not? Sandy

Let me just check my schedule.

Pamela Forget the schedule this once, we need caffeine now. Before Kay shoots someone. Kay (Going back to the coffee) Yeah alright. (To Dianne) Hey C3PO give me a hand. (Dianne and Kay take coffee, cups coffee pot etc. to table, the women sit down and start making their coffees). Sandy

So who's married?

Pamela Let's wait till Rachel gets here before we start catching up. Otherwise we'll just have to repeat everything. It’s on the schedule. There is so much to do, if we get off track we’ll never catch up again. Kay

Come on-


Good idea Pam.


Š 2005, 2006 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

(There is silence as each goes about making their coffee, Kay is obviously not enjoying the silence, she manages to stop herself talking several times but in the end gives up). Kay

(Holding her hand up) Married!


(Holding hand up too) Married. (Stunned looks) To God.





Pamela Married. We should wait for Rachel. Kay

(Holding hand up again) Messy Divorce.


Sympathetic expressions.


(Holding hand up again) Married again.


Pleased expressions.


To the same guy actually.


Laugh pleasantly.


Even messier divorce.


Sympathetic expressions.


Found true love.


Oh that's great etc.


With a Glock 17.

No one is quite sure how to respond. Dianne

I have eight kids.


© 2005, 2006 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.


(Choking on her coffee) Eight?!

Dianne I'd like another but Stevie said four was enough. (To confused looks) By the time we got around to (makes scissors gesture) we'd had a few whoopsies. I'd like a girl though... Hey, you'll all know Stevie. Steve Bartlett, from Youth Group. Pamela “Computer Room Steve Bartlett?”. Sandy The “school nerd” became an eight-kid-stud huh? Well it's a strange world. Kay

The Lord works in mysterious ways sister.


No he wasn't a nerd. You're mixing him up with someone-


Di, he was top in math, bottom in physical education.


He was the guy who built his own calculator right?


Well, yes but -

Kay It was so big he had it mounted on a skateboard to get it around the school. The football team took turns being pushed to class on it. Dianne

He still suffers from a bad back.

Sandy Eight kids though huh? Wow. That's a lot of work. How’s your back? Dianne

(With a wink) It's not all work.

Kay hours.

No details please. Some of us plan to eat in the next 24

Pamela (To Kay) So she's in “HR” too. Human Reproduction. (To others) I work in Human Resources and Kay here works in Human Recycling.


© 2005, 2006 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.


(To Sandy) And you're “Human Redemption”.


Yeah, fancy that.


You're a nun.


Noooo! You could tell? What gave it away?


Your clothes silly!

Pamela You're as sharp as a pin Dianne. Kay I bet you have a kitchen whiz mounted on a skateboard at home. Dianne

(Confused) No.

Pamela Well I hope Rachel arrives before six. I have a guarantee that dinner will not be a moment late. Dianne

You've ordered dinner?

Pamela This is our time. No cleaning, no cooking, no men. Kay

You're paint a pretty picture of heaven there, sister.


Oh my gosh you're a lesbian!

Kay Actually no, but when you've lived with the creeps I have, you'd become a vegetarian if it would help. (There is a knock at the door). Kay

(Taking out her gun) Leave this to me. (Opens door).

Pamela Kay please don'tKay (Stunned, looking at Rachel) Rachel! You look... (for once she is lost for words). Come on in! Look everyone it's Rachel. (Kay


© 2005, 2006 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

leads Rachel Jr in). Pamela Rachel? You haven't aged a day. All gather around her. Sandy

No. It can't be.


You're not married with kids that's for sure.

Rachel Jr

No way. I'm Rachel “junior”. You knew my mum.

Expressions of realisation. Pamela (Going to the door) Is she coming in? Kay

Yeah where is she?

Rachel Jr

She's can't make it. So I've come in her place.

Kay What do mean? (Going to door and looking out) It's a set-up, she's out here somewhere. (Calling) Hey Rachel! Get your buns in here! Rachel Jr

No really, she's not coming.

Kay (Laughing) Now come on, the invitation said the only thing that could stop ya coming was death. Dianne (To Kay) And you could have used that excuse. (Explaining to everyone and snorting at her own joke) Being in the funeral business! Sandy We get it Dianne, you don't need to explain everything to us babe. Rachel Jr

That's just it.

Pamela What are you saying?


© 2005, 2006 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Rachel Jr Dianne

Oh my gosh you killed her!

Rachel Jr Sandy

Mums dead.

No! Come on, please!


Kay Ignore her honey, she has a blow-out on her kitchenwhiz. Are you serious about Rachel? Rachel Jr

Yes, she passed away last year.

Expressions of sympathy. Kay (Confused) No she can’t have. I’ve got this all… she has to come. Pamela Well we're glad you could come a long and let us know. Sandy Yeah thanks for coming out here. It must have been quite a drive. Last I heard you were all living near Newcastle somewhere. Rachel Jr

That's right.

Kay Time for another caffeine injection sisters... (to Sandy) and “Sister”. Pamela Yes, would you like a cup of coffee before you go? Rachel Jr

Actually, I was hoping I could stay.

Sandy It's a long way home. Sure you can stay. No problem right Pam? Pamela Of course. We've booked an extra bed. Much better idea to head back tomorrow. Rachel Jr Actually, I was hoping to stay the weekend. Find out a little about my mother, you know, when she was “young”.


© 2005, 2006 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Kay Well you've come to the right place. If there is anything I don't know about your mothers misspent youth, it ain't worth knowing. Rachel Jr Kay

Great! I'll get my stuff. (She exits).

Poor kid.

Pamela Do you think it's a good idea her staying the whole weekend? Sandy

Her mother's died. Give her a break.


Rachel's dead.

Pamela I can't believe it. Sandy

I wonder how she died.


I wonder who buried her.

Pamela Kay! Kay Joke. Sick joke. Sorry. It's a bit of shock isn't it. I never imagined she would die… I mean Dianne could have been the victim of a hit and run calculator – that I could imagine, but this? Sandy

Kay please!


I’m joking. I’m as stunned as you all are. More probably.

Pamela Well let's not let it ruin the weekend. Sandy We'll dedicate the weekend to Rachel. (Holding coffee cup to toast) To Rachel! Others

To Rachel!

Rachel enters with a motorcycle helmet.


© 2005, 2006 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.



Rachel Jr

Yeah, great.

They pour another round of coffee Rachel

So you all knew my mother huh?

General agreements. Sandy Kay was her best friend. Those two were inseparable! We always said they were twins separated at birth. Kay Not identical twins though, and I was the evil twin. But, yeah, we had our moments. Rachel picture.

A couple of hell cats huh?! You know I find that hard to

Kay Yeah I’ve become all respectable since adulthood, or as we say in the trade “Old-Farthood”. Rachel

Not you, my mum. She’s so straight.


(Correcting Rachel) Was so straight.

Pamela Dianne! Dianne


Rachel Yeah, was. There must be some dirt on my mum you can share with me for old times sake. She must have got up to some mischief. Booze, bikes and bad boys have got to be in there somewhere. Sandy There’s always more to us than meets the eye, but as far as your mother was concerned she was a straight “A” student from a good family. Hanging out with Kay was about as bad as things ever got. Kay have you got some dirt on her?


© 2005, 2006 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.


Like you say a straight “A” student from a good family.


That’s it? Come on!

Pamela I’m sure we’ll remember something, we’re still getting over the shock of her not being here. Dianne

She can’t be here, she’s dead.


No kidding, thanks Di.

Kay Your mother was a saint. She deserved nothing but the best. I’m sorry she’s passed away. I feel kinda like there’s something missing inside of me knowing that she’s gone. Dianne

That’s really nice Kay.

Kay Yeah well, don’t expect me to start hugging trees or eating my vegetables. Rachel Well I know there is some dirt somewhere. So make sure you tell me when you think of it. Sandy

(Unsure how to respond to that) Yeah, sure.

There is a knock at the door. Kay springs to her feet, whips out her handgun and goes to the door. Pamela Put that away! Rachel

(Screams with fright) Aaarggh!

Kay Let me show you how to deal with a creep. Hey creep meet my boyfriend, Mr Glock! (She opens the door slightly and waves the gun through, we hear a thumping sound and footsteps running off) And that's the end of “creep deterrent 101”. Next week we'll look at slime-ball deterrent 101, and if there is time we'll make a start on dirty old man deterrent 101. (She returns to her seat). No need to thank me.


Š 2005, 2006 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Sandy (Peeking out the door). I'm afraid you've got your lesson plans mixed up. That was Pizza Boy Deterrent 101. (Picks up Pizza boxes, bag of drinks etc. and brings them in). All look at Kay accusingly. Kay eat.

Well, the lessons, they're all pretty much the same... let's


(Looking out the door again). He'll probably call the cops.

Pamela I don't think so. I wanted these delivered on time so I left a decent tip for the driver when I ordered. And he only has to come a 100 meters. He'll take the money and run. Eat up ladies, you're in gourmet pizza heaven. (They begin opening boxes and commenting on how great the pizzas look etc. Just as they are about to start eating). Dianne

Sandy are you going to say grace?

Sandy (Just about to take a bite). Yeah sure, (In very reverent tones) Oh Holy and Almighty God, creator of All... Rub a dub dub, thanks for the grub. Everyone opens their eyes and looks at Dianne who is still bowed in prayer. Dianne





You're not Catholic, are you?

(They laugh and begin eating as the lights fade). Scene Two In the dark. This scene is recorded prior. Someone is dialling a telephone number, it rings‌


© 2005, 2006 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Brian A-plus Motel, Brian speaking, how can I help? Male Voice Hi. I’m trying to track down a party of women, do you have a booking for Pamela Browne this weekend? Brian Browne? Let me see here… nope, no Browne sorry. Male Voice Thank you. (Click) Another number is dialled… Shirley Hello this is Baron Court Motel, Shirley speaking. Male Voice Hi Shirley. I’m trying to track down a party of women, do you have a booking for Pamela Browne? Shirley Pamela Browne? When? Male Voice This weekend, now. Shirley No, not for this weekend would you like me to check next week? Male Voice No thank you. Bye. (Click) Another number is dialled… David Casablanca Inn. Male Voice Do you have a party under the name of Pamela Browne staying this weekend? David Browne? No sorry. We have a Mr Greene but not Pamela Browne. Could it be under another name? Male Voice No, I don’t think so, thanks for your help. Bye. (Click) Scene Three (Empty Pizza boxes are lying around the room and the women are stretched out and suffering from having eaten too much). Pamela (Rubbing a very full stomach and burping) So this is what it feels like to be a man. I think I am going to throw up. Kay You should go ahead because I checked the schedule and Dianne is on clean up. Dianne

I am?


Don't believe a word she says.


© 2005, 2006 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Kay get to.

Oh ye of little faith. You're also scheduled on Sister, now


(Picking up boxes and disposable cups etc.) I'll get it.

Kay I have dessert covered. Hold on and I’ll get it. (She goes to her room and comes back with a bag. Kay empties the bag and a large pile of chocolate bars pours out). Knock yourselves out girls. (She takes one and starts eating). Others come up and choose their chocolate bar of choice. Every kind imaginable is there. Pamela Right, next up on the schedule is show and tell. Get your item out and lets get started. The women rush off to get their items from their bags including Pamela. Pamela OK. Everyone ready? Now let me just go over the rules… we all brought an item as described in the invitation, right? Something that represents our lives now. We each present an item and then the others have to guess the significance of it. Who wants to go first? Sandy

You mean it’s not on the schedule?

Pamela Very funny. You go first. Sandy Me? OK. I have a bottle of Gin. Actually most of a bottle of Gin. A little must have leaked out. Dianne

A little? It is half empty.


Half full.


No, look at it, its half empty. See that?


Oh yeah, you’re right.


© 2005, 2006 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Pamela OK, OK. A bottle of gin. Interesting. Any guesses? Dianne

You’re an alcoholic?


Lovely, thank you Dianne.

Kay You’re fragile on the outside and retaining a lot of fluids on the inside? Sandy

(To Pamela) Is this supposed to be uplifting in any way?

Pamela They’re trying… Rachel you have a go. Rachel

I dunno.


Beautifully put.

Pamela Alright, my turn. Your life is represented by the bottle, and contained in the bottle is alcohol… or a spirit… I get it, your life is filled with the spirit of God. Because you are a nun. Sandy That is way better than I was thinking. I’ll take that interpretation. Kay Actually, according to Dianne, she is half empty with the spirit of God. Pamela Alright smarty you go next. Kay Sure. I bought this. (She puts the hand gun on the table. Then in a spooky voice…) But the question is, what does it mean? Dianne too.

You have insecurity issues? And maybe violence issues

Pamela No we have to think deeper. Your life is the gun… and the gun fires a bullet… Dianne

And then people scream and die of gun related wounds.


© 2005, 2006 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Pamela Dianne please, I’m processing here. Dianne


Pamela The gun fires a bullet at high speed and makes an impact on a target. Dianne

Who screams and dies of bullet related wounds.

Pamela (Ignoring her) And the bullet making the impact on the target (holds up her hand to stop Dianne) reveals a motivated woman who has her sights set on something and is powerfully motivated to achieve it. Yeah, that sounds good. Am I right? Kay Can’t say until the others have a go. You know the rules. But I like what you said there. Sandy? Sandy Well Dianne’s theory sounded pretty good but I think it is about you being on a path of taking control of your life. The gun, as a weapon, indicates you are fighting for something… control I think. Or you are a petty criminal. One of those. Kay

Another good attempt. Rachel?




Bingo. She got it in one. Wow are you intuitive!

Pamela Kay sometimes I wonder if you ever play other peoples games. Kay I have to admit I could be tempted by blood sports. Dianne your turn. Dianne

(To Pamela) Can I go now?

Pamela Sure, go ahead. Dianne

I bought this (she takes out a framed cross stitch


© 2005, 2006 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

project). Sandy Rachel you want to go first? What do you think it represents? Rachel

I dunno.


No fair, she took my idea!

Sandy OK… I think I’m getting the hang of this Pamela…it is… let me see… it is a work of art… more specifically it is a hand craft… yes, a carefully hand crafted artwork… I know! Your life is consumed with the creation and tending of your children’s lives. It is a representation of your motherhood. Good huh! Pamela Nice work Sandy. I agree with that but I think the thing we have missed out is that cross-stitched works are made from a pattern. And so I think that for you motherhood is about following in the steps of the generations of mothers who went before you, and in the process of creating a beautiful representation of family life. Dianne

That is beautiful.


OK, Ok my turn.

Dianne Does she have to have a turn? Let's just finish this with a warm feeling. Please? Kay You are assuming that I can’t come up with something beautiful? I’m insulted! Dianne

Sorry. Go ahead.

Kay Apology accepted. I believe the cross-stitch represents the fact that you like sticking sharp objects through innocent pieces of material that never did anything to harm you. I see this crossstitch as a representation of your sadistic tendencies, and quite honestly Dianne, it makes me sick to my stomach. Either that or you have too much time on your hands. You can pick.


© 2005, 2006 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Dianne It was kind of what Pamela and Sandy said actually, although not as beautiful. But I’ll always think of that when I do cross-stitch in the future. Kay thing?

Are you sure I’m not even a little right about the stabbing

Dianne Yes I am sure, and let me assure you that I will not be thinking about that when I cross stitch. Pamela I think this is going well, (with a look to Kay) on the whole. Do you want to go now Rachel? Rachel

Nah, you go.

Pamela Right. I have two objects actually. Kay


Pamela I have this briefcase and this baby’s bottle. What do they represent? Dianne I think I’ve got this now. Let me go first. You are a mature woman but you feel like a baby? See the briefcase represents being grown up and the bottle represents the baby. Am I right? Pamela Nothing can be revealed until you are all done. Sandy I think Dianne is right, only the other way around… you were once a child but now you have grown in to a woman. The briefcase showing that you have made a full transition into adulthood and are now a contributing member of society. Kay Well obviously you’re not an old bag as the briefcase is in good condition. So I think you are probably a “young bag” making the transition into “old bag”. There are probably a few nicks and scrapes on the bag that aren’t visible unless the viewer is up close. In fact, I believe the bag represents a woman trying to hide her


© 2005, 2006 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

true self from the world around you. Rachel? Rachel and others


All laugh together including Rachel. Sandy

OK Rachel your turn.


OK. Here you go (puts a cell phone on the table).

Kay OK, I have to tell you a story about my cell phone. I was leaning over a grave and my cell phone fell in, just as everyone was arriving. I didn’t know what to do, there was no way I could jump in and grab it. So I just stood back up and pretended nothing happened. All was well until just as the coffin was being lowered into the grave, when we hear a cell phone start ringing, to the tune of the Lone Ranger! Everyone is checking their pockets, wives are frowning at husbands, who are mouthing “it's not mine”… of course its not. It’s mine. The coffin gets lowered on the phone and eventually it stops. The Lone Ranger had ridden into the sunset. Turned out the guy worked for a phone company so it couldn’t have been more appropriate. (Stunned looks all around) Kay

At least I thought so.

Rachel Actually, I chose this because I wish that I could talk to mum. I guess you were kinda close. Kay (Meekly) Sorry about that. (Changing the subject) Pam you never said what your bag and bottle meant. Pamela Maybe some other time huh? Speaking of that, look at the time. Sandy I’d say bed was on the schedule now wouldn’t you Pamela? Dianne

(Referring to her schedule) Yes it is actually. Goodnight


© 2005, 2006 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

everyone! (She goes around and hugs everyone). All go off to bed, Pamela and Kay are the last to leave. Pamela Kay, please – Kay I know, I know, I shouldn’t have told that story. My dad always said that my mouth was on the motorway and my brain was in getting a oil change. Sorry. (Pauses, then meaningfully) Shame about Rachel. I can’t believe she is gone. Pamela I know. Me too. Kay

Night. (She exits).

Pamela Night. (She turns off the light and exits to bedroom). At lights out Shaun enters with a torch looking for his girlie magazine. He finds it and is about to leave when he hears a door handle squeak from the bedrooms. He panics and ducks down behind the couch. In the shadows we see a door bedroom door open and a shadowy figure silently enters, backing into the room. On the other side the other bedroom door opens and another shadowy figure backs into the room. The two figures are not aware of each other. We see some movement as each person takes out a cigarette and lighter. At the same time they each light their cigarette, they pause as their faces are lit by the lighters flame. It is Dianne and Sandy. Suddenly the women are aware that they are not alone and slowly turn. At the sight of each other’s flame lit face they scream and chaos reigns as they scramble for the lights. Sandy You scared the life out of me! What are you doing sneaking around in the dark?! Dianne myself!

I was just having a smoke! Sorry. (Quietly) I think I peed

Sandy Come here. (They meet in front of the couch and Sandy gives Dianne a hug).


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(Standing up from behind couch). Excuse me ladies.

Sandy / Dianne


(In a panic Dianne swings around, Sandy ducks and Shaun receives a plaster cast arm in the head. He slumps over the couch knocked out cold. Dianne and Sandy continue to scream as the other women come out of the bedrooms). Kay

(Entering with her gun) What's going on out here?

Sandy and Dianne rush over to her. Dianne and Sandy He was in the room! Kay

He still is!

Pamela Is he dead? Did you shoot him? Kay

No I did not! (Beat) I couldn’t have. Could I?


Dianne whacked him.


(Getting hysterical) I killed him!

Pamela He's breathing. I'm calling the cops. Kay (Looking quizzically at Shaun). He looks familiar. I think I know this guy from somewhere. Pamela He's just the cleaner. Sandy

Yeah. I know that face.


(With wide eyes) It's, it's Shaun Phillips!


I know that name.


Shaun Phillips? Why is that familiar?


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Pamela (Pausing with the phone in one hand as she realises) Captain of the Footy team. High school footy team. Sandy

No. (Pause) Really?


What happened to him?


You K.O.'d him.


No, I mean look at him... he used to be so... cool.


She's right. You'd hardly know him. (Kicks him) Pervert!


What was he doing in here?

Kay I think we know what. Pervert. I should stick a bullet in him now. (Gives him another kick). Sandy

Call the cops!

Pamela He was probably just after his magazine. Kay


Pamela Look, he's dropped it. Kay What magazine? (she grabs it and takes a look at it). Pervert! (Kicks him again). Dianne

He'll probably sue me for killing him!


What are we going to do with him?


Let's dump his body! We can use the hearse.


You are not using my hearse to dump a body.


Call the cops.


Call the cops? You ever tried to get any justice that way


© 2005, 2006 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

with creeps like this? I say we hold our own trial. Sandy The guy's unconscious. How the heck are you going to try the guy when he can't even defend himself? Kay

I get the feeling you see a downside to that?


I don't want to go to court!


I'm talking about our own court and our own justice.

Pamela Let's just calm down. What has he done? Really? I know he's a creep but all he's guilty of is coming back for his magazine. He's the cleaner here so it’s probably a grey area as to whether he can enter a room or not. Dianne's right. If there is any damage done, it's by us. He might have brain damage for all we know. Kay

So what do you suggest?


Call a doctor?

Pamela Yeah, I'll call the ambulance. Kay That's reasonable. Or I could put a slug in his head right now and we throw him in a dumpster! What are you guys? Vegetarians? Tree huggers? Sandy Tell you what, let's tie him up and deal with it in the morning. Worse case scenario we tell the cops the truth and say we didn't know what to do. Pamela I don't know. Kay him.

All right. But if he so much as snores I'm popping a cap in

Pamela “Popping a cap in him”? Where do you think you are? In “da hood”? Kay

Trust me, I know creeps. Sandy, hand me that phone


© 2005, 2006 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

cord. (She unplugs the phone and ties Shaun's hands up). Sandy Lets all get some sleep. We'll act a whole lot more rational then. Pamela I can't believe we are doing this. Dianne

I can't believe I killed a man.


He's not dead!


Give me a hand to drag him over here.

They move Shaun in front of the lounge suite and Kay sits down to guard him. Sandy throws Kay a blanket. Sandy Here you go Warden. You don't think we should just call the cops do you? Kay

Hell no.


Well at least put your boyfriend (gun) away.

Kay I've got all the paper work for this big boy. Go off to bed, I'll be fine here. Sandy Alright. Just don't “pop a cap in him”. (Pause) Are you sure about this? OK. 'Night. Kay


Sandy leaves. Shaun begins to stir, Kay punches him and he is out cold again. Kay

(Rubbing her hand). Sweet dreams Pervert!

Lights fade to black Act Two


© 2005, 2006 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Scene One Lights up. Kay is fast asleep on the lounge suite. Shaun is nowhere to be seen. Dianne enters in her dressing gown and proceeds to make coffee. Kay stirs. Pamela enters from bedroom. Pamela I had the weirdest dream! (Looks at where Shaun was left last night). You know, one of those too-much-spicy-pizzadreams. You were in it Dianne, you beat up Shaun Phillips. Remember him? High school football captain. Dianne

I had that dream too!


That, girls, was no dream.

Pamela (Putting her head in her hands). This weekend is just not going according to plan. I had everything organised. I Dianne

So where is he?

Pamela (Looking around in horror) Yes, where is he? Kay He won't be causing us any more trouble. (As a New York Mafia) Forget about it. Badda bing, badda boom. Dianne

Oh my gosh you killed him!

Pamela She didn't kill him! Did you? Sandy (Entering yawning with Rachel Jr). Morning Warden, how's our inmate this morning? Dianne

She killed him!

Sandy You promised me you wouldn't! “Are you going to pop a cap in him?” I said. “No I am not going to pop a cap in him” you said. Kay I never made that promise. You don't take a prisoner and then assure him you're not going to stop him escaping. First principle of self defence is that you must be prepared to defend


Š 2005, 2006 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

yourself. Pamela You did kill him! Tell me you didn't kill him! Kay

I didn't kill him.

Dianne She's just saying that. (Losing control) She did kill him! First I killed him and then she killed him! Is there anyone else here who wants to kill him? Sandy? Pam? Do you want to kill him too? Do you know what we are? Do you? We're the Manson Family! Sandy (Slapping Dianne) Calm down! (Giving her a hug). Take it easy. She hasn't killed him. You haven't killed him. No one has killed anyone. Pamela So where is he? Kay

He's fine. He woke up and I let him go.


See? Everything is fine.

Dianne alive!

He's alive? It's a miracle! Did you hear that Sandy? He's

Rachel Jr (Entering). What is all the noise about? Pamela Kay is just explaining how she let the guy go. Rachel Jr Cool. Anyone got a cigarette? Others Various expressions of no, some less convincing than others as in the case of Dianne and Sandy. Kay

How did your mother pass away? Is it OK if I ask that?

(Dagger looks from everyone else) Rachel



Expressions of sympathy.


© 2005, 2006 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Rachel Jr It's fine. She had a beautiful funeral. A real, what do they say? “Celebration of her life”. Dianne

I'd like a funeral.


I'm sure you'll get one, one day.

Pamela We all will sooner or later. Dianne

I'd like one sooner. Why wait?

Pamela What are you saying? Kay You got some creep giving you a hard time honey? Does Nerdman Stevie need a visit from an old friend? Sandy

You've got eight young boys to live for Dianne.


And a loving husband.


I can see why you want to die!


I don't want to die!

Pamela OK you've lost me. Dianne

I want a funeral.

Pamela (Waiting for more) Yes? Sandy

She wants a funeral. You want a funeral don't you?


I want a funeral.

Kay Listen, if you two don't start making sense soon I am going to throw something at you! Sandy

She doesn't want to die, she just wants a funeral.


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That's what I said!

Pamela You want a funeral? Kay

What is wrong with you?

Dianne Everyone says such nice things at funerals. Everyone forgets their problems, but the star of the show isn't able to enjoy it. It's crazy. Pamela Crazy? The whole reason they are there is because someone has died! How is that crazy? Sorry Rachel. We shouldn't be talking like this. Rachel Jr No, she's right. We should give you a funeral. Do you want one? Dianne nods her head, embarrassed. Pamela This is getting weird. I know the weekend's not exactly gone to plan, that's fine, but let's just get back to the schedule and enjoy ourselves. Kay

All right then. I'm in.

Pamela Good. Kay

Sandy give me a hand. (She goes to the door).



They exit the motel. Pamela Where are you going? Girls? (To others) Who's got their schedule here? No problem, I'll grab mine. (She goes to her bedroom). (Kay and Sandy enter with coffin on a coffin trolley). Kay

If we're going to do this then we might as well do it right.


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Dianne get your butt in here. Sandy, there'll be a bible in the draws somewhere here, they always have one in these places. Rachel, set out the chairs. Di, get some flowers. (Calling out) Pamela, give me a hand here! Pamela (Entering) Now, we've got a lot of catching up to do but with a little reworking of the schedule we can – (seeing coffin) what the hell is that?! Dianne

(Brightly) It's a coffin.

Pamela What is wrong with you people? What is this fixation with death? Kay

It's just a funeral for crying out loud.


We're celebrating life.


My life!

Pamela But its a funeral! Sorry Rachel. (Pointing at the schedule sheet) Look, 10am we go to the mall. (Holding page up for all to see) See this? Shopping. "Shhh-oooo-ping". We go shopping, at the mall... and buy things... and stop for a cappuccino, at 11.15am. Shopping. Not funeral. Shopping. All pause for a moment. Sandy

I got the bible.

Activity begins in earnest again. Pamela is at a loss as to what to do. Dianne

Can someone give me a hand into in the coffin? Sandy?




Pam? Please?


Come on Pam. It's for Dianne.


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Pamela (Resigning herself to the madness) Alright. But don't expect me to read a poem or anything. And I hope this funeral is fully catered! Sandy Good point. I'll take a walk over to the bakers and get us some goodies. Rachel Jr I'll go for you. Sandy Great. There's some cash in my purse. Take $20 (look from Pamela), take $50. Pamela Chocolate. We're catering this with a chocolate theme. Rachel Jr OK. (Rachel Jr heads into the bedroom for the cash, appears moments later with her bag over her shoulder, pauses at front door). Bye. (Exits). Pamela See ya soon and don't forget: chocolate! We hear a motorbike start up and pull away. Pamela She's going to find it hard bringing that stuff back on the bike. Sandy

(Going to window). Where is that bakers shop?

Pamela Just across the road. Next to the Pizza place. Sandy runs into her bedroom and comes out with her purse. Sandy

The cow! She's taken all my money!

Pamela (Looking into the bedroom). And her stuff is gone! Sandy Damn it! I can't believe she took my money. If I catch up with her I'm popping a cap in her! Kay

Spoken like a truly devoted follower of the Prince of


© 2005, 2006 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Peace. Sandy I'm sorry. But that (she can't find an appropriate word) “girl” stole from me! What would you do? Kay Well you see, I've chosen to take vows with a handgun, not Almighty God, so I can pretty much do as I please. Pamela We probably freaked her out with all the talk of funerals. Not looking at anyone in particular... Dianne! Kay! Sandy! You should share the blame for this. Poor thing's just got over the loss of her mother, and what do we do but rub it in her face by setting up for a funeral. Kay It was her idea to have the funeral. Seemed to me like she was pretty well adjusted. Dianne

Slow water runs deep.

Stunned silence by others, not sure how to respond to that. Kay

And that means?

Pamela It means she's taken off with Sandy's money and there is nothing we can do about it. Or perhaps she's just gone to the wrong Bakers shop and she'll be back with a box of chocolate goodies. Dianne



Doubtful but possible.


(Scoffing) Oh yes that'll be what she's doing.

Pamela Let's get on with this. Over to you Sandy. Sandy OK. Places everyone. (Everyone moves into position). Here we go. Dearly beloved we are gathered here Kay

You haven't done many of these have you?


© 2005, 2006 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.


Not a lot. No.

Kay What are you trying to do? Marry her? What ever happened to “Welcome friends and family of Dianne Bartlett? Dianne

No, I liked it. You can all be my “dearly beloveds”.


Alright then, it's your funeral.


(To Kay) Do you want to do this?


Sorry. (Bowing) Forgive me Mother.

Sandy You are forgiven my child. But one more outburst like that and I will put you over my knee and thrash the “you know what” out of you. Kay I was having my doubts about whether you really were a nun or not, but that proves it. You're the real deal alright. Pamela Can we just get on with this? Sandy

(Clearing her throat) Welcome friends-


“Dearly beloveds”.

Sandy And dearly beloveds. We are gathered here today to celebrate the life of Dianne Bartlett. Our first tribute comes from Kay who is going to read a poem she has written especially for this occasion. Over to you Kay. Kay Friends, dearly beloved, and recently departed yet still remaining. I do indeed have a poem for you as Mother Superior mentioned. “Roses are red, Violets are blue, You look like a monkey and you smell-” (she is stopped by the others)… OK wait a minute. (Thinks) OK. “Roses are many colours, Yellow, White and some even Red, Dianne was a little crazy, And now she’s half-full dead.” Amen.


© 2005, 2006 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.



Sandy That was beautiful Kay, thank you. We'll be hearing from you again a little later in the service Kay

You will?

Sandy - when Kay describes a touching moment in her friendship with the recently departed, yet still remaining, Dianne. We'll all look forward to that won't we? Dianne

Oh yes.

Sandy us.

Next I would like to ask Pamela to share something with

Pamela I thought I’d share with you some of Dianne’s greatest achievements. (To Dianne in a loud whisper) What have you got for me Dianne? Dianne

My kids?

Pamela Sure. Dianne is, was, however this works, the proud mother of eight children. All boys and every one (struggling to make any headway)… Kay


Pamela Male. (Realising the obvious nature of what she has just said) No wait, look, I don’t know what to say. I don’t think well on my feet. Kay

Then sit down.

Pamela Very funny. Let’s just sing a song huh? Dianne what would you like? Sandy

How about “I’m walking on sunshine”?


Yeah, or how about “Sometimes its hard to be a woman”.


© 2005, 2006 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.


I love “It’s raining men”, ever had that at a funeral?


Yes and I don’t want to go into any details about it.


How about something from the Village People?


Now you’re talking.

Kay Only if I can be the construction worker. Or the cowboy… I’ll take either of those. Sandy

Y.M.C.A. Let’s sing that. We can do the actions.



Pamela Oh please, there is no way I am singing Village People “action songs” at a funeral for Dianne in a motel room, while she is still alive… and singing along. Kay

Alright smarty pants, what do you suggest?

Pamela If we are going to sing, we should sing a hymn. Right Sandy? You should know an appropriate one. Sandy

Sure, but you probably won’t know the words.

Kay I’ve got some old service sheets in the hearse, I’ll grab some and we can choose. (She exits) Dianne I wouldn’t mind Y.M.C.A., really. But we’d have to do the actions. You can’t sing that song without the actions. We sing it to the boys after they blow out their birthday candles. It’s good to have those rituals in a family. I heard that at a parenting seminar. It’s also good to make love in every room of the house, that was at a marriage enrichment seminar. Pamela Thanks, I’ll try to remember that.


© 2005, 2006 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.


I could post you my notes. I took loads.

Pamela I’ll let you know. Kay enters Kay Ok here we go (looks through service sheets) how about this one, Amazing Grace, we sang this at church I think. Hey anyone still go? Obviously Sandy is a regular. (She hands out service sheet). Dianne

I do.

Pamela Nah. You? Kay

Are you kidding?

Pamela Didn’t think so. Kay

Of course I do.




Yeah, why not? I’m a regular little choir girl.

Pamela Don’t believe a word she says. Right well here we go, one, two, three. (They sing the song sweetly leaving a warm glow about the room, until Dianne passes wind). Dianne





I hope that doesn’t smell like you’re dead.

There is a knock at the door.


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Pamela It's probably Shaun! Kay

That's not Shaun, I promise you.

Dianne It'll be the cops! They'll be looking for the body. Kay, hide your gun! Kay him.

I've got nothing to hide. I wasn't the one who tried to kill


I don't want to go to prison!

Sandy For goodness sake calm down. I'll get it. (Stands at door) Who's there? Rachel Sr

(From other side of door) Rachel! Rachel Simpkins.

(Sandy throws the door open) Rachel Snr (Standing in doorway with open arms) Sandy! Sorry I'm late. Sandy

(Grabbing her by the shoulders) Where's my money?

Rachel Snr What are you talking about? Sandy steps back in shock. Sandy

What happened to you?

Other ladies gather around. Dianne

You look so...



Rachel Snr Well this isn't quite the reception I was expecting. What do you mean I'm old? You're no spring chickens yourselves. Pamela She is old. It's Rachel!


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But you're dead!

Rachel Snr What are you talking about? (Gesturing to each person) Sandy, Dianne, Kay, Pamela. It's me... Rachel... Pamela So you're not dead. Rachel Snr Why do you keep saying that? Is that a coffin? Kay

Would you look at that. Alive and kicking!

Pamela (Regaining her composure) Right, you'll need a welcome basket... (Glancing around the room) Rachel probably left hers here somewhere. Dianne

Does your family know you're alive?

Rachel Rachel.

What are you talking about? (To Pamela) Did you say

Kay We had a visit from another Rachel Simpkins. She said you were dead. Sandy

And she owes me a hundred and fifty bucks!


Wait a minute, Rachel is here?


No, she took off with my hundred and fifty.

Pamela (Explaining) She was here, stayed last night, said you had died, and then left about half an hour ago on her motor bike with the contents of Sandy's purse. Rachel That little tart! I'm so sorry Sandy, I'll get you that money (she reaches into her handbag). I can't believe she came here. (Realising) Of course. She had the invitation. That little tart! Sandy Yeah. Forget about the money. It's great to see you (Gives her a hug).


© 2005, 2006 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

All hug Rachel and exchange greetings. Rachel I was all set to come yesterday but I couldn't find the invitation... I couldn't for the life of me remember where we were staying. After an hour of phone calls to motels in the area my husband gave up. Eventually we tracked you down today. Expressions of glad you could make it etc. Rachel

Is that a coffin?


It's mine.

Rachel I want to ask “why”, but you know, I think I'll probably regret it. Kay

Actually it's mine. We were... it's a long story.


I would say it was. So, what's new?


(Pointing to Rachel) Human Replacements Replacement.



Dianne (Gesturing to Pamela) Human Resources. (Gesturing to Sandy) Human Redemption. (Gesturing to Kay) Human Recycling. (Gesturing to herself) Human Reproduction. Rachel I have no idea what you are talking about, Dianne. It's good to know some things never change. Kay

That's another story. Caffeine injection?


Absolutely. So how has the reunion been going?

Pamela Oh it's been fairly dull really. Lies and deceit, beatings, kidnappings, funerals... just your regular run of the mill gettogether.


© 2005, 2006 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.


And I thought I'd killed him, but he was just knocked out.

Rachel Once again I have no idea what you are talking about... but it sounds like I've been missing out on all the fun. Sandy

Probably the less you know the better.

Pamela Yes. But look, we have a wonderful opportunity to get back on track. It's 12.45pm and that means coffee and lunch. Kay

Way ahead of you there Pam.

They begin making coffee Lights fade to black. Scene Two Kay, Rachel and Sandy are talking in the lounge. Kay

So how were those wild years at University?

Rachel Not so wild as it turns out... but I had a great time. I graduated two years ago. Sandy You spent twenty years at University? What happened to the straight “A” student? Rachel Oh I got straight A's... well almost. And four years was long enough in the end. Sandy year).

You went to University in... (trying to remember the

Rachel 1985? (Use appropriate year to match the age of the ladies in the cast). Actually no I didn't. That might be the bombshell of the weekend I am afraid. Kay What do you mean you didn't go? You left town, got lost in University life, and we never saw or heard from you again. Right?


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Rachel shakes her head. Sandy Well I'm intrigued. You told us a big fat lie 25 years ago... and now you're confessing your sins? This really is the stuff of reunions. Kay Now wait a minute. You went to University because I got postcards from you. I remember. I spent a year in London and we traded postcards. Rachel Anyone can buy a postcard. I went to the university, but just the gift shop. A few times I wandered around and pretended to be a student. But I never took a single course. Until six years ago. Kay You big fake! Well I went to London! Big Ben, pubs, the Tube, waiting tables, weekends on the continent. Everyone of my postcards was the real deal, babe. I can't believe you lied to me! We were friends. At least I thought we were. Rachel Of course we were. I just couldn't tell you. I was ashamed. Sandy I don't get it. You could have gone to University, you wanted to go. What made you change your mind? Rachel I wanted to go. Don't think that every time I posted one of those postcards I didn't wish it was true. You think I wanted to be a fake? Kay So why not go then? You had more brains than all of us put together. Sandy

Speak for yourself.


I couldn't go. I was pregnant. I had a baby.

Kay and Sandy Rachel


Oh yeah this really is the stuff of high school reunions,


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and I get to be pregnant school drop out. Kay How do you hide that? I mean, I can't pick my nose at the lights without someone honking at me. Rachel Good little church girl, from a good church family. There was a lot of shame, even with me leaving town. Kay Yeah well, take it from me, these things make you stronger. Sandy

And make you carry handguns too right?


Too right. Any jerk messes with me and I'd -

Sandy Please don't say “pop a cap in him”, I'm about at my limit of the gangster thing. Rachel

You have a gun?


I'll show it to you.

Sandy (Changing the subject) You're a dark horse. We all voted Kay first to get pregnant. Kay

You what?

Sandy Oh yeah, at youth group, we had a sweep-stake. You were voted most likely to make it to home base first. You were also voted most likely to get a tattoo and a divorce. In that order. Kay

Well there's going to be a bonus winner.


(Explaining to Rachel) Two divorces.


Oh dear.


To the same guy.




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Kay And (Lifts sleeve to reveal a tattoo on her arm, lifts other sleeve to reveal another tattoo). So hand over the winnings girls. Sandy

Sorry, the prize goes to first pregnancy.


How do you know I didn't?


Did you?


I'm not saying.


You're “not saying”? Well that would be a first!

Pamela (Entering) What would be a first? Are you guys making secret plans? A word of advice, don't bother if you are. I had this whole weekend planned and look at what use that turned out to be. Rachel Cheer up Pamela. You planned to get us all together and that worked. That must have taken some serious detective work. Look, we're all here, the old gang. Thanks to you. Kay

Hold on, where's C3PO? (Calling out) Hey Dianne!


Rachel is just telling us about her university years.

Pamela That's right, you went to varsity too. What did you study? Rachel

History mainly.

Pamela Social sciences for me. Kay

University of hard knocks for me.

Pamela You know I am really finding it hard to picture you as a funeral director. Sandy Oh don't be fooled. Under that hard exterior there's a gentle (searching for the right word)... Pit Bull trying to get out.


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Kay Take it from me, there's some things you can't learn in a classroom. Rachel

I'd have to agree to that.

Kay For a start, you can't trust men. When they talk about the fairer sex I have to agree with them. We're the fairer sex, they are the un-fairer sex. Dianne (Explaining) She's not a lesbian. Just a man-hater. There's a difference. Rachel Sure there is. I have to admit there is a man or two I wish I had never met. Sandy

That's why I married God.


You made the right move there Sister.

Pamela I'm perfectly happy with my man thank you very much... and Dianne seems happy with her eight-kid-stud. Kay

So you say.

Pamela You don't believe us? Kay Let me put it this way. I have a theory. Think of the world’s greatest jerks. Hitler, Genghis Khan, Dath Vader etc. Who assassinated the presidents? Men right? Almost without exception its men who cheat on their wives? Pamela Yeah I guess it is a rare woman who cheats on her wife. Kay (Ignoring her) Who's the source of marital violence? Men. You know what the ratio of men prisoners is to women prisoners? Huh? Do you? Dianne

No. What is it?


I don't know, but it has to be more men. Way more men.


Š 2005, 2006 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

The point is that men are the what's wrong with world. Dianne

Oh my gosh you are a lesbian.


I am not a lesbian.


She's a man-hater. There is a difference.

Kay The point is we shouldn't bother with the Nuremberg trials, world courts, Muammar Gaddafi, Saddam Hussein, some High School jerk... we should just have one trial for the lot of them. Save all the lawyer money, all the time and energy and just get it all over and done with. Rachel

So who exactly would you try at this trial?

Kay (Laughing) All of them! Every man on the planet. Every man who has gone, every man who is here and every man to come. Sandy

That would be some trial.


It sure would.

Dianne Well why don't we? I had my funeral. Why don't you have your trial. Sandy

I'm game. What do you think? Pamela? Rachel?

Pamela (Resigning to the inevitable with a laugh and tearing up the schedule in her hand) Why not? Rachel? Rachel Sure thing. I've already missed out on enough this weekend. Let's do it. Sandy


Pamela I'm the judge! Kay

I don't think so. You're biased. We need someone


© 2005, 2006 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

impartial. (Everyone looks at Sandy) Sandy


Pamela I guess that makes me Defence, and you (to Kay) Prosecution. Rachel

(Gesturing to self) Witness for the Prosecution.


Good. I was hoping you'd be on my team.

Dianne (Gesturing to self) Witness for the Defence. How are you going to fit every man on the planet in the court room? Pamela Don't get too literal here Dianne, we're just playing, OK? Dianne

I know that.

Kay Well come on Sandy, lets get this show on the road. Get going with your “dearly beloved” stuff... Sandy Alright. Dearly beloved we are gathered here today to try Men, all men, for their past, present and future sins. To my right I have the Prosecution led by Kay and to my left I have the Defence led by Pamela. (pause) Wait a minute, we need a jury. This is the “ladies and gentlemen of the jury” speech right? Pamela Jury's no good. Men will vote for men and women for women. Better to have the judge make the decision. Right Kay? Kay Agreed. Who better to judge than God... in Sandy form. Now get on with it. Sandy Mind how you address the judge or you'll be struck from the court. Kay

I apologise my Lord. Err, “lady”.


Š 2005, 2006 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Sandy Apology accepted. And don't let me catch you picking your nose in court either. Kay

Very funny. (Beat) My Lord.

Sandy I hand the court over now to the Prosecution to bring the charge. Is that how it works? Pamela Beats me. But we're making up the rules as we go along anyway so what does it matter? Up you get Kay. Kay Thank you your Horror. The charge is indeed that men are the source of all of the worlds problems. Today my team and I will prove this beyond doubt. Sandy Thank you Prosecution. Now for a word from the Defence. Over to you Pam. Pamela Thank you Your Honour. We the Defence will prove today that there is no case for the Prosecution and that the good name of Men is being maligned by this corrupted view of the other sex. Dianne

(Clapping) Hear, hear!

Kay and Rachel

(Gesturing thumbs down) Boo!!!!


Man hater!


Tree Hugger!

Sandy Silence! Silence in the court! (Others settle down) I will not allow such behaviour in my court. Counsellor for the Prosecution, I must ask that you and your team restrain yourselves. Defence, I'll not tolerate name calling in my court. Pamela I'll take care of her Your Honour. Sandy


Kay and Rachel

(Like children) Sooory.


© 2005, 2006 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.


Right, over to you Prosecution.

Kay Since time began men have been responsible for all that is wrong with the world. I refer to the famous cave man “Ugg versus state of California case of 10,000 BC”. I refer to Genghis Khan and the Mongol hordes of the (gestures to Rachel for help) Rachel



1200 BC.



Kay AD. Not to mention Hitler, Saddam Hussein, Darth Vader, abusive husbands, creepy school teachers, Jack the Ripper, neighbourhood bullies, drunk drivers, mercenaries, and used car salesmen. I ask you, Your Honour, does history not prove that mean are the source of all evil and can not be trusted today of in the future? Think of the tyrants of the world... any women come to mind... think of the worlds most evil people... any women come to mind? No and no. I shall now call on my key witness Sandy Not yet I'm afraid. Thank you for that most enlightening address. Next we call for the Defence to make their case. We'll do key witnesses after that. Pamela? Pamela Thank you, Your Honour. While I agree that history does appear to be full of tyrants and violent men let us remember that these are actually just a very few people. Sure Hitler, Jack the Ripper, Darth Vader and others come to mind, but judging millions of men on the sins of these few, admittedly evil, men is unjust and unfair. And to quote a dear friend of mine we are the “Fairer Sex” not the “Un-fairer Sex”. The Prosecutions case is both absurd and unfair. (Shrugging her shoulders) That's about all I have really. Over to you, Your Honour. Kay

That's all you've got?


OK. Now we go to the Defences Witness. Pamela.


Š 2005, 2006 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Kay Wait a minute, how come she gets her witness now and mine had to wait? What's with that? Sandy does.

I think that is how the order goes. Seriously. I think it


Let them go, then we get to have the last say.


Good point. Alright, over to you Pam.

Pamela Thanks. I now call my key witness. Mrs Dianne Bartlett. Knock em dead Di'. Dianne

(Bowing to Sandy) Thank you your highness.


Wait a minute, she has to swear on the bible!


Come on, we're just playing here OK.


I don't mind swearing on the bible.

Sandy OK. Do you Dianne swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God? Dianne

I certainly do.


Alright then off you go.

Dianne (Bowing to Sandy) Thank you Your Highness. I am living proof that men are not evil. Kay So you're claiming to be a man now? You just swore on a bible and now you're telling us you are a man? Tell me Dianne, were you ever abducted by aliens? Dianne

That was never dis-proven!

Sandy Order! Kay you may not question the witness when she is giving her testimony.


Š 2005, 2006 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.



Dianne Anyway that's not what I mean. I'm not a man. Silly. I know that. I am married to a man and that's the proof. If it wasn't for Stevie I wouldn't have 8 beautiful boys. He made it possible for me to be a mother, and have my kids and they are the most precious things in the world to me. Ask any mother and she will tell you that their children are everything to them. If it wasn't for men we would never have the precious gift of our children. In fact, none of us would be here either. Would we? If it wasn't for our fathers, and they are men. All of them. When was the last time you met a father who was a woman huh? Think about that. So in conclusion: Fathers are men. And that is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth! (Bowing to Sandy) Thank you Your Highness. Sandy

Thank you Dianne.

Pamela OK. So that's our case. Our case is based on two points. Firstly, we believe it is self evident that it is unfair to judge the many on the crimes of the few, and secondly, as Dianne has shown us men give us the most precious gift of all, Motherhood. And as we are on this telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth kick... I guess I should tell you that in 7 months I will be sharing in that precious gift. I'm pregnant. Expressions of excitement from all. Pamela So Your Honour, the Defence makes its case that if we truly are the fairer sex we must find in favour of defendant even if he can't pick up his socks, remember birthdays or leave the seat down on the toilet. Kay

Don't I get to interrogate the witness?


Nah. Call your witness then I'll make my decision.


Alright. I call Rachel as my witness.


Please take the stand. (Holding up Bible) Do you promise


Š 2005, 2006 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God? Rachel

Why not.


Off you go then.

Rachel Thank you your Honour. (Pauses) Err I'm not sure I have anything to add to what Kay said. Kay I'll ask you some questions. How about that? Your Honour? Sandy

Sure go ahead.


For the record, is you name Rachel?




You've known each person in this room for 30 years.


At least. You, I have known longer.


That's right.


Get to the point.

Kay Perhaps you could share with the court some of your experiences with men that might be pertinent to this case. Rachel

(Suspiciously) What do you mean.

Kay I thought this might be a good time to tell the others about your University experience. Sandy

Come on Kay that is a little unfair.


She swore on the bible.


We're just playing Kay.


© 2005, 2006 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Dianne (Cheerfully unaware of the signals that all is not well). Promise is a promise. I told the truth. So did Pam! Pamela (To Dianne) I think we should let this one go. Dianne

(Cheerfully) Why? Come on Rachel. What are you hiding?

Sandy You don't have to say anything you don't want to. Come on Kay, this is a bit mean. (Brightly) Who wants some coffee? Kay I just thought we were telling the truth, you know, swearing on the bible and all that. Pamela Like Sandy says, we're just playing. I'll have a coffee. (Nudging Dianne) You want one? Rachel No it's OK. I don't mind. I'll tell the truth. I kinda have already. Yeah I've had an experience with a guy that was pretty terrible. Pam and Di, you don't know this but I never went to university after high school, I was pregnant. Dianne

No you weren't. You went to University.

Rachel Actually, no I didn’t. I’m telling the truth. Just like you said. Bit of a shock huh? Pamela You're not joking are you? Rachel

No I'm not.

Pamela But that was your dream. Studying History and English at University was all you talked about. Rachel (With a bitter edge to her voice) Yeah, that was my dream. I got there, but about 20 years late. Pamela I had no idea. How did you hide that? Especially from us? Rachel

It is amazing, isn't it? Shame is a powerful motivator.


© 2005, 2006 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

(Changing subject and trying to be bright) So that's my experience, a teenage pregnancy and associated abandonment and dream shattering, because of “forbidden love” with a hormone charged teenage guy. Pretty good evidence for the trial huh? Pamela Yeah. Rachel I'm happy for you Pam, really. That's the way it should be. It's just not the way it was for me. (Pause) So what happens next Your Honour? Sandy

You want to continue?

Rachel Why not? We've come this far... (with a wink to Kay) and I think I'm on the winning side. We might just be playing, but that doesn't mean we can't play to win. Sandy That's very sporting. OK, the Prosecution will now give its summary. Kay? Kay History cannot be ignored. Men are the source of all the great pain in the world. Tyrants, dictators, neighbourhood bullies... all men. It is wonderful when your dreams come true, like in Di and Pam's cases, but the reality is that men can take those dreams from you such as in the case of Rachel. For Rachel's sake, and the sake of the millions who have suffered at the hands of men, I implore you to find the defendant guilty. Sandy Having listened carefully to the very reasonable, heart felt, and often bizarre arguments for and against men, I find myself ready to make my decision. Before I do so however, I would like to give each team the opportunity to bribe me. Any takers? No? Come on. It doesn't take much to bribe me. Any currency is fine, lifetime supply of chocolate? Well it was worth a go. Ladies of the court I find in favour of the Prosecution. Kay

Oh yes! Yes!

Kay and Rachel high-five.


Š 2005, 2006 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Kay I knew God would find in our favour. I feel almost halfempty of God myself. Pamela (Playing the part) There really is no such thing as an honest court. I am devastated by this judgement and will be appealing this decision. Dianne

Man haters!


OK let's have coffee now.

Kay Hey we're not finished yet. The best is to come. (Walks nonchalantly towards closet door). We haven't settled on a punishment for the guilty sex. What is the punishment your Lordship? Sandy I dunno... Men could spend their lives making fine chocolates and cappuccinos for women, or then again castration maybe. Kay

One last thing, Rachel.




Who was it? You don't mind me asking do you?


It doesn't matter. It's ancient history.

Pamela Come on Kay. Rachel (Stunned at the question). Look, I'm not sure I want to talk about this any more. Kay (Turning her back to Rachel) It doesn't matter. I know someone else who knows. (She opens the closet door to reveal Shaun, bound and gagged and wide eyed, she drags him out). You know don't you? Dianne screams.


© 2005, 2006 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.


Who is that?!!


You said you had let him go!

Pamela Untie that man! For goodness sake untie him, this is insane! Dianne

We're going to go to prison!


What is going on here? Who is this?

Sandy He broke in last night. Dianne knocked him out. We didn’t know what to do with him. Kay said she had let him go! Kay you?

Take a closer look. This is Shaun. You know Shaun don't

Rachel It's not. (Looking closer) Is it? (To Kay and in shock) Where did you find… what are you… why are you doing this? Kay Because we all have our dreams shattered by men and we shouldn’t. You shouldn’t. You deserved better Rachel. We made a pact remember? Remember? (Blank stares from everyone) To look out for each other. Remember that? Come on, we promised each other! (She takes out her handgun) What this jerk did to you is unforgivable. Dianne screams Sandy and Pamela Put that gun away etc. (Everyone is afraid to approach Shaun or Kay). Rachel

How did you know?

Kay You think you can hide something like that? We were best friends. Oh I believed you at first, but then things just didn't make sense. Once a suspicion is raised its easy to find the truth. I had a cousin at your University, who had a class on the same timetable as the one you sent me. I told her to look out for you. But of course


© 2005, 2006 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

you weren’t there. Seek and ye shall find huh Sandy? I was in Europe when I found out and you kept sending me those postcards... and I knew it was all a lie. You lied to me. But it wasn’t your fault, I always understood that and that was why I pretended I didn’t know. This jerk made you lie to me. To us. Pamela You knew he was here at this Motel didn't you? Kay What do you think the chances are of just coming across him? People win lotteries, maybe I was just lucky. Pamela You chose the motel. Kay Yeah I knew he was here. But how could I have planned for Dianne to K.O. him in the middle of the night? That was the lottery I won. There was a funeral a year or so ago and I recognised the family names. You meet all sorts of weird and wonderful people in my line of work. But the question is, Rachel, what punishment does this jerk deserve. He ruined your life. Pamela is right. We are the fairer sex so let's be fair. He stole your dreams. Ruined your future and took your friends away. Let's be fair about this. What is the punishment? Sandy

Please Kay, this is crazy.

Kay Is it? I'm surprised at you. After all you found him guilty. What were those punishments you mentioned? Castration? (To Rachel) I didn't think you were going to show up. I thought it wasn’t going to work but I never imagined it would come together so perfectly. Dianne

Shoot him then.



Dianne Shoot him. You're right he is guilty. Sandy said so and she speaks for God. So shoot him. Sandy I don't speak for God. Look, as long as we're making confessions you need to know something. I'm not a nun.


© 2005, 2006 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.


Keep out of this Dianne.

Dianne I made the pact too right? Didn’t I? Didn’t we all? So shoot him. Sandy (Changing the subject) This is a fancy dress costume. The invitation said come to this fancy address. I misread it as "come to this fancy dress". I'm not a nun. Fancy that huh? Kay

You're just saying that.

Pamela Of course you're not a nun. We never believed it for a moment. Others

I did!

Sandy It's true. I'm a fake. I don't speak for God. The trial was just a game. Come on, I’m not a nun. It all a game. Remember? Dianne

Gimme the gun Kay. I'll shoot him (she approaches Kay).

Pamela Dianne have you gone mad? Get back here! Kay No Dianne, it's not your decision. Nor is it mine. Rachel. It's up to you. What is the punishment? What's fair? Rachel

Let him go.

Kay you?

What? Just like that? Let him go? After all he has done to

Pamela You heard her, let him go. Rachel (Holding her hand up to stop Pamela). There was a time when I would have wanted him dead, or castrated at least, but this guy is dead to me. He means nothing to me now. Let him go. (She goes to him and unties him and stands him to his feet) It took me almost twenty years to forgive myself for getting pregnant. Twenty years to get my dream back on schedule again. But I did it. You


© 2005, 2006 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

think I am going to make that same mistake again and let this guy get in the way of my life? I have other dreams and they don’t include Shaun Phillips. Let him go, let God be his judge. (To Shaun) But if you mention this to anyone, anyone at all I will sue you for 25 years of child support. Do you hear me? Shaun nods his head still frightened out of his wits. Rachel

Then get out.

(Shaun hurries out the door, there is a stunned silence. Sandy and Pamela puts their arms around Rachel). Dianne

(To Kay) You should have shot him.

Pamela What's come over you Dianne? Dianne You should have shot him. But of course you couldn't, could you? Kay

I could have if I’d wanted to.


Please Dianne, leave it alone.

Dianne You know we have all told the truth haven't we? All made the promise and told the truth. But not you Kay. Kay

What are you talking about?


Tell them the truth. Why couldn't you shoot him?


The truth about what?

Dianne (Grabbing Kay) Tell them the truth. I’ve knocked out a man this weekend and I am not afraid to knock your block off too! Kay

OK, alright (mumbles so that no one can hear her).


Did anyone catch that?


© 2005, 2006 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Rachel (Recovered now a little from her ordeal) What is your confession Kay? Come on fair is fair… and we are the fairer sex. Kay

It's a fake.

Rachel, Sandy and Pamela What? Kay

It's a fake. The gun is not real. Its a -



Pamela (Loosing control) That man was held captive here by a toy gun? You ruined my weekend with a toy gun? I planned this weekend for months and you ruined it with a (she is lost for words) aaarrgghh! Sandy

(To Dianne) How did you know?

Dianne I have eight sons. I have more weapons in the house than Osama Bin Laden. All fakes of course. Rachel


Pamela What? Rachel

What's on the schedule for 3pm?

Dianne (Taking a piece of paper out of her pocket and passing it to Pamela) Here. Pamela Spa and therapeutic massage. Why? Rachel

That sounds perfect to me. What do you say Kay?


(With much guilt) Yeah that sounds… perfect.

Pamela So you like the schedule now? Huh? Kay Yeah the schedules great. It’s perfect. Let's stick to the schedule.


© 2005, 2006 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Dianne (To Sandy) Are you sure you’re not a nun. I think we have just witnessed a miracle. Rachel (To Kay) Come here, you are a true friend. Totally psychotic, and dangerous to the public, and you should be locked up. But you are still a good friend. (They hug). Dianne

Ahhhh, come on, group hug!

Others join in the hug. Pamela OK that’s enough, we've got a schedule to keep. Spa and massage! Others

Yes ma'am!

Pamela Any of you checked in with your husbands lately? I for one would like to know if he’s survived 24 hours without me. (Pulls out cell phone). Others General agreement and cell phone searching. Everyone stops suddenly as Sandy pulls out her phone. Others

You’re married?!


Yeah to God… and Dave, it’s a love triangle.


Whatever works honey, whatever works.

Pamela Come on ladies we have a schedule to keep. Multi task, multi task! (Pamela ushers everyone out through the front door as they call their husbands, she pauses, picks up her schedule, smiles and leaves). Lights to black. End.


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