Page 1

Š 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

1


Š 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

Over Paid, Over Sexed, Over Here Australian Edition Š 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson.

By Devon Williamson

Do not copy, distribute or perform without permission. All rights reserved. For performance information please contact:

David Spicer Productions Email:

david@davidspicer.com

Web:

www.davidspicer.com.au

Phone:

02 9371 8458 (International) + 612 9371 8458

Postal Address: PO Box 2280 Rose Bay North NSW 2030 Australia.

Information on other plays by Devon Williamson is also available at his website: www.dwplays.com Characters 1. DON MAYS Father to Allison, Dorothy and Rosey. 55 years old. His wife has passed away some 15 years ago. He suffers from shellshock and has a nervous condition from the First World War that increasingly has left him at times somewhat aloof and distracted. 2. ALLISON MAYS The oldest of the Mays sisters. 35 years old. With the death of her mother she has assumed a motherly role in the family. Has moved back in with father to run family business while her husband Kenneth is away at war. She has not heard from Kenneth for quite some time and is worried for him. 3. DOROTHY MAYS The middle sister and 28 years old. Unmarried but not particularly by choice. Independent. Outspoken. Works at the family dry cleaning business. Resents the war.

2


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

4. ROSEY MAYS The youngest of the Mays sisters at 17 years of age. Bright, happy and enthusiastic. 5. JACK Of indeterminate age somewhere between 20 and 35 years old. Very proudly a member of the Air Raid Precaution Unit (ARP) and possessing an over blown sense of self importance. Not the sharpest tool in the shed. Has befriended George whom he dominates. 6. GEORGE Late 20’s to late 30’s. Having not been accepted into the army due to health issues his self-esteem has taken a beating. Works at the wharf. Possesses more intelligence and many more capabilities than one would assume at first glance. With the departure of the other men in the town he is left with Jack as his best friend. In love with Dorothy. Only ever wears overalls. 7. MRS HAM In her mid to late 50’s but appears much older. A busybody and hard-shot who is making the best of the war by establishing a black market of sorts. Often assumes an unwelcome motherly responsibility for the Mays sisters. Unmarried. 8. HARRY American serviceman in his early 20’s. Clean cut, dashing, cheerful and charming. Self-confident and optimistic. A leader by nature. 9. ROBERT American serviceman, younger than Harry. Perhaps 18 or 19 years old. Clean cut, polite and charming. Happy to follow Harry’s lead. Setting The play takes place in mid 1942 in a small dining/living room in a house that backs onto a dry-cleaning shop on a main street in a small coastal town not far from a big city in Australia. Downstage left is the backdoor of the house. Centre left is a window to the back yard. Upstage left (on the stage left wall) is a doorway through to the kitchen (off stage), upstage centre is a partition that masks the doorway through to the shop. Upstage right (on the right hand wall) is a doorway to the hall (off stage) from which are the bedrooms. The room has a fireplace, small dining table, a couple of comfortable chairs and various homely furnishings that are functional at best. There is nothing to particularly grab the eye. On the mantelpiece or shelf is a photography of Don’s unit from the First World War.

3


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

Act One, Scene One. Mid-morning, mid week, mid month, mid 1942. A small living room in a house that backs onto a dry-cleaning shop on a main street in a small coastal town not far from an Australian big city. Allison is clattering around making tea in the kitchen. Don ambles in limping slightly as he always does. He stops at the photo of his WW1 army unit and picks it up. He disappears into his memories. ALLISON: (From off) Tea, dad? (No response) Tea, dad? (She pops her head around the door frame) Cup of tea? DON: Aye? ALLISON: (Gently taking the photo and putting it back) There we go. DON: (Coming back to the land of the living) I’ve lost me spectacles. You seen me spectacles? ALLISON: (Without looking at him) They’re in your top pocket. DON: Had ‘em when I was taking a gander at the rag (newspaper). ALLISON: (Anxiously) Has the paper arrived? DON: Yeah. He wasn’t listed, Love ALLISON: (Breathing again) Good, that’s good. DON: They’ll let you know. The telegraph boy will. Ya won’t just read it in the rag (paper) ALLISON: (Interrupting) They didn’t with that woman in Melbourne. DON: Pah! Never happened, Love. Rumour. ALLISON: (Not wanting to talk about it) Top pocket. Tea? DON: What’s that, Love? Allison takes the glasses out of his shirt pocket and hands them to him. ALLISON: Tea? DON: What were you doing with ‘em? Oh, tea. Yeah. ALLISON: (Warmly patting him on the shoulder) Good old tea, eh? DON: (Warmly back to her) Good ol’ tea. No sugar. There’s a war on you know. ALLISON: (Dryly) Aha, that’s where Kenneth's got to. (Warmly, almost motherly) I know. You’re a good man, doing your bit for the boys. The bell on the shop door clatters as someone enters. We hear the following conversation from off. 4


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

DOROTHY: (Off) Good morning, Mrs Ham. Allison suddenly stops, gestures for Don to not talk, then resumes making the tea as quietly as possible. MRS HAM: (Off) Dorothy. DOROTHY: (Off) Are you picking something up? I don’t recall you having Allison picks up her tea cup and starts to quietly stalk away. MRS HAM: (Off) Is Allison here? Allison freezes. DOROTHY: (Off) Allison? MRS HAM: (Off) Your sister, Allison. DOROTHY: (Off) I’m well aware of who Allison is, Mrs Ham. MRS HAM: (Off) Well, I want to talk to her. I want to talk to all of you. (Loudly) Allison! Allison gestures to Don to say she is out. DON: (Calling out) In ‘ere! (To Allison) There’s someone ‘ere for ya. Sounds like the Ham sheila. ALLISON: Really? Thanks a million, dad. Mrs Ham stomps in with her trusty air rifle in hand, Dorothy following. MRS HAM: There you are. Gather round girls. (To Allison) I didn’t see your husband in the paper, so he’s obviously alright. DON: They’ll send a joker with a telegram if anything’s ‘appened to Ken. MRS HAM: They didn’t with that bloke from Melbourne. His wife read it in the paper – DON: Streuth, a rumour! MRS HAM: I’m not so sure about that, Don. Mrs Dodson’s niece had a neighbor who’s cousin worked at Wilson’s butcher and he overheard on the tram someone say they’d heard from their grocer that he knew someone who had serious doubts about it only being a rumour. (Significantly) And that person was a doctor! DOROTHY: (Ironically) Well that clears that up. (Putting her arm around Allison) Listen, Mrs Ham. If anything happens to Kenneth, they’ll send a telegraph boy with a telegram. Until then he’s fine! MRS HAM: The Postmaster himself delivered the telegram to poor Mrs Collingwood when her husband copped it.

5


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

DOROTHY: The point is; they’ll send someone. You don’t just read about it in the paper! MRS HAM: I remember the last war and – ALLISON: (Hushing her and glancing at Don) We don’t talk about the last war! MRS HAM: Oh, right. Sorry, Don. DON: Aye? MRS HAM: I was apologizing for ALLISON: (Interrupting her) Is there a reason for your visit, Mrs Ham? MRS HAM: Oh yes! Don, this is ladies talk. You’d better clear off. DOROTHY: Why don’t you see how Jack and George are getting on with the trench? DON: Righto’. I’ll leave you sheila’s to ya gassing. Don ambles off with his tea. MRS HAM: Where’s young Rosey? ALLISON: (Lying and making a real hash of it) Out. Side. She’s outside. Delivering. She’s outside on a delivery, delivering... a delivery. MRS HAM: (Yelling) Rosey! ROSEY: (Poking her head around the corner). Hello Mrs Ham! MRS HAM: Get in here, girl. ROSEY: What’s going on, Mrs Ham? MRS HAM: This week’s special. ROSEY: (Excited) Ooh, what’ve you got this week Mrs Ham? ALLISON: Nothing, she doesn’t have anything. (Handing her a cup of tea) She’s just going to have a cup of tea and then wander off home. Aren’t you (pointedly) Mrs Ham? DOROTHY: (Enjoying the sport) Let’s at least see what this week’s special is. ROSEY: Yeah, let’s just see what it is. DOROTHY: It’s not like we’re run off our feet in the shop. MRS HAM: How’s business? ALLISON: Fine.

6


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

DOROTHY: Terrible. It was bad enough before the war. Now it’s even worse. Dad lost the farm, he could lose this too. ROSEY: We could lose the shop? ALLISON: She’s being dramatic. MRS HAM: They’re taking women on at the munitions factory. DOROTHY: I heard that. Tempting. Bugger-all to do here. ALLISON: (Disapproving of the language) Dorothy! We’re not doing that bad. DOROTHY: We didn’t have a single garment on Friday and Thursday wasn’t any ROSEY: (Excitedly interrupting) Making bombs? MRS HAM: Bullets, grenades. It’s a regular fireworks factory. ALLISON: You’re not getting a job making bombs! DOROTHY: You’re the one always going on about the war effort! ROSEY: (Wide eyed with the thought) Would they let you bring some home? For when the Japs come? We could lob grenades at them from the trench Jack and George are digging. DOROTHY: I don’t see why not. ALLISON: You’re not bringing bombs home from the munitions factory and lobbing them at Japanese! DOROTHY: You’re not my mother. I’ll bring bombs home to lob at the Japs if I want to! ALLISON: I am saying what our mother would have said. DOROTHY: What, have you got a crystal ball now? MRS HAM: But you don’t even work at the bomb factory. DOROTHY: Yet! ALLISON: Dad wouldn’t let you! DOROTHY: I’m 28 years old, I don’t need his permission! ALLISON: You’d need references from your current employer. DOROTHY: You call this employment?! We don’t do anything; we just stand around waiting for something to happen. And nothing ever does! If it wasn’t for Mrs Ham coming in today I would have forgotten what the shop bell actually sounds like. ALLISON: You do talk rubbish.

7


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

MRS HAM: Are you all quite finished?! There a moment of tense silence. ROSEY: (Cheerily breaking the tension) So what have you got, Mrs Ham? MRS HAM: Thank you. This week’s special is what may be the most critical addition to your survival kit... and it’s not strictly Government Issue so it won’t affect your ration books. ALLISON: When you say “not strictly Government Issue” what do you mean? MRS HAM: (Tapping her finger on the side of her nose) I mean not strictly Government Issue. (She winks at Allison). ALLISON: Tapping the side of your nose and winking doesn’t make it any clearer. DOROTHY: It’s black-market Allison and who cares? MRS HAM: It’s not black market! I have just obtained this by (taps her nose and winks) “independent means”. ALLISON: There we go again with the nasal Morse code and eye irritation. I’m not interested Mrs Ham, thank you. I happen to believe that the sacrifices we make DOROTHY: Here we go again! ALLISON: Yes Dorothy, here we go again! Our sacrifices make a real difference to the war effort and this difference DOROTHY and ROSEY: “No matter how small”. ALLISON: That’s right, no matter how small could be the difference to whether one or our boys makes it home or not. So I am not interested in your black marketeering. Thank you. There is a momentary pause. ROSEY: So, what have you got Mrs Ham? MRS HAM: (Taking a small tin out of her pocket) These. ALLISON: We’re not interested! DOROTHY: I bloody well am. ALLISON: Dorothy! ROSEY: (Cheerfully) I “bloody well” am too. ALLISON: Rosey! DOROTHY: What’s in the tin, Mrs Ham? 8


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

ALLISON: Don’t you open that tin, Mrs Ham, we are not interested DOROTHY: Yes, we bloody well are! ALLISON: Don’t be so foul! DOROTHY: Aren’t we, Rosey? ROSEY: Yeah, let’s just have a look. Come on, Allison; let’s just see what it is. Please? ALLISON: I want nothing to do with the black market! DOROTHY: She didn’t say it is black market! ROSEY: Just a look! ALLISON: (Silencing Dorothy and Rosey) Alright! Alright. Mrs Ham, is this or is this not black market? (Mrs Ham moves her finger towards the side of her nose) No nose tapping, or winking, just an honest yes or no. There is a long dramatic pause. MRS HAM: No. ALLISON: Well, why the bloody hell didn’t you just say so earlier?! DOROTHY: Language, Allison. ROSEY: Open it up! MRS HAM: (Enjoying taking centre stage once more) What I have here could be critical to your survival of this terrible war. Contained in this little tin is perhaps the biggest addition to your survival kit. This little tin DOROTHY: For goodness sake, open the bloody tin, Mrs Ham. MRS HAM: Alright then. (She opens the tin and the others crowd around expectantly). ROSEY: Looks like sugar cubes. DOROTHY: Yeah. MRS HAM: No, no. These are (she pauses for dramatic effect) suicide pills. ALLISON: They’re what? MRS HAM: Suicide pills. ALLISON: Aren’t they rather large? DOROTHY: I don’t seem to be following you. How is a suicide pill going to help my chances of survival? ALLISON: Put those away.

9


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

DOROTHY: No, give me a look. MRS HAM: When the Jap invasion happens this country is going to be riddled with sexually starved Nips ALLISON: Mrs Ham! Block your ears, Rosey MRS HAM: Sexually starved Nips who’re going to be hungry for jiggy jiggy ALLISON: Please, Mrs Ham. Rosey, go to your room. ROSEY: What have I done? MRS HAM: Do you want to be jiggy jiggied by a Nip? DOROTHY: Well, with the quality of men we’ve been left with, it might be worth considering. ROSEY: Ohh yuk! ALLISON: How can you say a thing like that?! DOROTHY: I’m not going to jiggy jiggy with a Nip. Calm down. ROSEY: Why’s it called jiggy jiggy? MRS HAM: Well dear, it’s called jiggy jiggy because ALLISON: Can we please stop talking about jiggy jiggy!!!!!! There is a moment of absolute silence. MRS HAM: (Rocking her hips backwards and forwards, and whispering to Rosey) “Jiggy jiggy”. ALLISON: Gimme those. (Grabs the suicide pills) I’ll take one now! MRS HAM: Won’t work. DOROTHY: What do you mean it won’t work? MRS HAM: They’re just sugar cubes, they are. You can’t kill yourself with a sugar cube, you silly girl. ALLISON: I don’t understand what’s going on here. Dorothy grabs a sugar cube and pops it in her mouth. Allison and Rosey cry out in terror. DOROTHY: Yeah, sugar alright. MRS HAM: See. ALLISON: So how does this stop us from getting raped, sorry Rosey DOROTHY: She meant jiggy jiggied ALLISON: Dorothy! - by the Japanese?

10


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

MRS HAM: Well, you wash it down with a pint of weed killer. Which I happen to have in an abundant supply. You’d be dead in an hour. DOROTHY: An hour... aren’t these things supposed to instantaneous? MRS HAM: To be honest it might take a week. ALLISON: A week? MRS HAM: Well, I watered it down a bit to make it go further. But still, you’d be dead. Or dying, so you’d be pretty safe from the lusty hordes. And if they did get to you before you died, or after for that matter, you probably wouldn’t suffer any more than you already had, or were, from the weed killer. DOROTHY: Have you sold many of these? MRS HAM: No, but then again you are my first stop. DOROTHY: (Pushing her towards the door) You might want to work on your sales pitch. Don ambles in. DON: I’ve lost me spectacles. Ya seen me spectacles? All: Top pocket. ROSEY: (Smirking) “Jiggy jiggy”. ALLISON: (Pushing Rosey to the door) Go to your room. Black out. Act One, Scene Two. A week later. Don enters with a newspaper and is searching for his glasses. They are as usual in his top pocket. Dorothy enters with several forms and is looking for a pen. DOROTHY: Dad, have you seen the pen? DON: Ben? (This is a game). DOROTHY: “Pen”. DON: When? DOROTHY: “Pen”. DON: Hen’s in the chook house. DOROTHY: “Pen”, you silly old bugger. DON: (Cheekily) Oh, Pen! Streuth, should’ve said. Pen’s in the kitchen. Ya seen me spectacles?

11


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

DOROTHY: (Exiting to kitchen) Testicles? DON: (Shocked and loving it) “Spectacles”, ya little tramp! DOROTHY: (Proudly, off) I win. I’ve been saving that one for weeks. (Coming back in with the pen) Your glasses are in your in your top pocket. DON: (Retrieves them from pocket). Here they are. DOROTHY: Is that this week’s paper? DON: Yeah. DOROTHY: Allison seen it? (Don shakes his head). Better give it to her first. DON: Righto’. (He starts towards the shop). DOROTHY: Sign this. DON: What’s this? DOROTHY: (Evasively) A form that needs your signature. DON: (That’s good enough for him) Righto. (He signs). DOROTHY: Thank you. Now, be a good boy and take that paper through to Allison. As Don ambles into the shop there is a knock at the back door and Jack enters to the centre of the room. DOROTHY: (Ironically) Who’s there? JACK: (Irony completely lost on him) Jack. DOROTHY: (Ironically) Well, Jack, don’t just stand outside, come on in. JACK: (A little confused by this) Alright. DOROTHY: Tell you what Jack, next time, let’s just forget the formalities altogether. Just knock and let yourself in. Don’t wait around for anyone to come to the door. JACK: (Confused but going with it) Alright, but seems a bit familiar... not sure if that’s entirely appropriate. (There is another knock at the door. Calling off). Apparently we can just come in, George. GEORGE: (Coy, he’s obviously smitten with Dorothy) Hello, Dorothy. DOROTHY: (Long suffering) Hello, George. GEORGE: (Overwhelmed) I’ll just wait outside. (He exits). DOROTHY: What can we do for you, Jack?

12


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

JACK: I have a couple of matters I’d like to bring to your attention. DOROTHY: (Rolling her eyes) Is that right? JACK: Yes. Last night at 1900 hours, that’s 9pm for you civilians DOROTHY: No, it’s not. JACK: What? DOROTHY: 1900 hours is not 9pm. 1900 hours is 7pm. JACK: No, it’s not. (He counts the hours out on his fingers)... as I said 2100 hours. DOROTHY: You didn’t say that! JACK: Look, at 7pm last night DOROTHY: I thought you said it was 9pm. JACK: No, 2100 hours DOROTHY: 2100 hours is 9pm! JACK: (Talking down to her) I can see you’re getting a little confused by the military description of time. Let’s just use civilian speak DOROTHY: I’m not the one getting confused! JACK: (Condescendingly) Let’s just put who’s getting confused to one side. Now at 2100 hours DOROTHY: I don’t know if I can take any more of this. You’ll have to talk to Allison. (She puts her head into the doorway and calls out) Allison! ALLISON: (Off) What? DOROTHY: Jack wants to talk to you. ALLISON: What about? DOROTHY: I haven’t the faintest idea! But you either come in here and talk to him or I’m heading down to the police station and confessing to his brutal murder in our dining room by (picks up a pot plant) vegetation at (looks at her watch) 1100 hours. ALLISON: (Entering) What is it, Jack? JACK: Last night at (receiving a threatening look from Dorothy) err, night, there was a report of light spilling from one of your windows. In my official capacity as an officerDOROTHY: You’re not an officer. JACK: (Ignoring her) in the Air Raid Precaution Unit (he points significantly to his ARP arm band) This is an official 13


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

ALLISON: What window? JACK: One of the side windows - This is an official warning ALLISON: Which window? JACK: Dorothy’s. (He is aware he has made a very, very big mistake). ALLISON: You can’t see Dorothy’s window from the road, in fact you can’t see Dorothy’s window from (she thinks) well, anywhere, the hedge is in the way. JACK: Well the fact remains ALLISON: You’d have to be down the side of the house to see Dorothy’s window. (Challenging him) You’d have to be practically right outside the window between the house and the hedge to see it. Wouldn’t you Jack? JACK: We execute a thorough recon’, that’s American military speak for reconnaissance, of our environs, that’s American military speak for environ-”ments”, in the quest to protect our community from the imminent invasion by Emperor Hirohito’s forces. DOROTHY: And this involves looking in my bedroom window at night? JACK: (Correcting her) Looking “at” your bedroom window at night. ALLISON: While creeping between the house and the hedge? JACK: We’ll do whatever is necessary, even if that means creeping around your house at night looking in (quickly correcting himself) at, at your bedroom window. We do take this very seriously. ALLISON: Is there anything else? Because there are a lot of bedroom windows in the town and I wouldn’t like to be keeping you from your work. JACK: There is one more thing actually. Your air raid trench. ALLISON: Yes? JACK: Well, it’s not finished is it? ALLISON: (Confused about where this is going) No. JACK: Well, you want to get onto that. ALLISON: Jack. JACK: Yes? ALLISON: Who’s digging our trench? JACK: I am. ALLISON: So why are you complaining to us that it’s not finished?

14


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

JACK: No, you don’t understand. I’m here in my official capacity to serve an official warning to the residents of this household. (He draws blank looks from Allison and Dorothy). As an officer in the DOROTHY: You’re not an officer. JACK: - in the Air Raid Precaution Unit (he points significantly to his ARP arm band). ALLISON: (Rolling her eyes) And what are we supposed to do about this, Officer? DOROTHY: He’s not an officer. JACK: Well I think you should advise the contractor DOROTHY: You’re not a contractor. We’re not paying you JACK: - to complete this required work promptly. ALLISON: Or else? JACK: Or else the said contractor DOROTHY: You’re not a contractor! JACK: Will be presented with a non-compliance notice. ALLISON: By whom? JACK: Well, by me. ALLISON: You’ll present yourself with a non-compliance notice? JACK: No, you’re not following. DOROTHY: You’re bloody right we’re not following. ALLISON: Dorothy! JACK: This is me in my official capacity as an Off- (Dorothy picks up the pot plant and he thinks better of it) - volunteer (She puts the pot plant down) of the ARP (he points significantly to his ARP arm band). DOROTHY: Who looks in women’s bedroom windows. JACK: On official business yes, and I would be presenting it to a private citizen. ALLISON: And this private citizen is yourself. JACK: On this particular occasion, yes. ALLISON: (To Dorothy) “Brutal murder by vegetation”? DOROTHY: Yes. (She picks up the pot plant). ALLISON: I’ll do it, hand it here. (Taking the pot plant from Dorothy). JACK: (Backing away) Now, ladies. 15


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

ALLISON: (Menacingly) Stop looking in our windows at night or you’ll be beaten to within an inch of your life by this African Violet. JACK: Alright! ALLISON: And I want that trench finished. Do you think you can manage that? JACK: Yes, I’ll get George onto it! DOROTHY: George? GEORGE: (Popping his head through the doorway) Yes, Dorothy? JACK: Code red, backup required! GEORGE: (Seeing Jack is in trouble) Ladies, go easy on Jack he’s spent a night in jail. JACK: Yeah! ALLISON: You’ve what? DOROTHY: Oh, this is going to be good. JACK: I’m fresh out of Singsing! (Proudly) I spent a night in the “Joint”. DOROTHY: You were in the “Big House”? ALLISON: Don’t you start. JACK: I can’t tell you. Loose ships sink lips. DOROTHY: Loose ships sink lips? JACK: Yeah. DOROTHY: We’ll come back to that. Why were you in jail last night? JACK: I was involved in a naval engagement. DOROTHY: Eeew! What you do with your bellybutton is your business. GEORGE: He took a shot at a troop carrier. ALLISON: You did what? JACK: I was defending our harbour from a foreign invasion. Dorothy and Allison are not sure whether to be concerned or not. GEORGE: He shot at a ship entering the port and was arrested. JACK: (Proudly) Ladies, I have seen military action! ALLISON: Why were you shooting at ships? GEORGE: One shot, one ship.

16


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

JACK: No one’s counting, George. Besides it’s not the number of shots fired. It’s the intensity of the engagement that a battle is judged by. Like the fall of Singapore. DOROTHY: Don’t get me started on Singapore! GEORGE: It fell short though. ALLISON: What did? JACK: It doesn’t matter, I’ve been over this. Intensity - it’s the intensity of the battle. GEORGE: The shot hit the water. JACK: Yes, but we don’t know what it did once it hit the water. It probably kept on going and hit the hull. GEORGE: I’m not sure that’s likely JACK: (Interrupting him) Besides there’s no point hitting the ship above the waterline, you’ll never sink it that way. You want a hole below the waterline so the hull will be breached and fill with water. That’s how torpedo’s work. Boom! Glug, glug, glug. GEORGE: It’s unlikely though that an air rifle pellet would breach a ship’s hull. JACK: (Condescendingly) Is it, George? Really? Let’s leave the analysis of military hardware to the expert shall we? GEORGE: I’m just not sure Mrs Ham’s air rifle is actually considered military hardware JACK: Listen, George, I am after all an officer DOROTHY: (Sotto voce) Not an officer. JACK: - in the ARP (points to his armband) and I am responsible for the defence of our community. In my trained hands an egg beater is military hardware. GEORGE: I don’t think you could sink a ship with an egg beater, Jack. That’s stretching things a bit. JACK: I don’t think you’ve thought that statement through, George. The performance of a diesel engine depends on what? GEORGE: Well, two factors: the amount of fuel injected into the cylinders and the load under which the engine works. JACK: Exactly. So, what would happen if you added an egg beater into that equation?

17


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

GEORGE: (Horrified at the possibility) You shove an egg beater into an engine cylinder and both of those factors are going to be compromised. All hell could break loose and the results could be catastrophic! JACK: I think we understand each other perfectly. GEORGE: Perfectly. DOROTHY: (To Allison) How many African Violets do you think it would it take to kill both of them? ALLISON: Why did you shoot at a ship in the harbour? GEORGE: He thought we were being invaded. JACK: Correction. We were being invaded ALLISON: We’re being invaded?! JACK: Yes, until I was officially notified that we weren’t. GEORGE: Which the Chief did when he arrested you and put you in the jail. JACK: I’ll probably get a commendation. Or a whistle. ALLISON: (Trying to make some sense of all this) You said a troop carrier? GEORGE: That’s right. We hear the shop bell clatter and the door slam in the shop. DOROTHY: I’ll get it (she starts heading to the shop door). ALLISON: Why is there a troop carrier in the port? JACK: That’s what I thought. From off we hear two American voices. HARRY: (Off) Hello Ma’am. ROBERT: (Off) Good morning Ma’am. HARRY: (Off) I wonder if you might be able to help us with some dry cleaning. Allison, George and Jack exchange looks. DOROTHY: (Face appearing at the door) Allison, you’d better come in here. Black out. Act One, Scene Three. 18


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

A couple of days later. Don enters and is stopped by the photo of his platoon from WW1. He salutes the photo and then picks it up. He is lost in the memories once again. Allison enters from the shop and calls through to the bedrooms. ALLISON: (Calling from the shop, off) Rosey! ROSEY: (From off) What? ALLISON: (Off) Can you make the tea? ROSEY: (Off) In a minute? ALLISON: (Comes in from shop) Rosey! (Sees Don with the photo and gently takes it from him and places it back) There we are. Remember that Dry Cleaning business of yours? Well off you go, those machines don’t run themselves. (She steers him off stage). DON: Sorry, Mum. ALLISON: No need to be cheeky, young man! We hear the shop bell clatter and Dorothy serving Americans as they pick up and drop off dry cleaning. DOROTHY: (From shop) Allison, a little help please. ALLISON: Rosey, can you come out and make the tea! ROSEY: In a minute! ALLISON: No, now please, we’re busy in the shop. Rosey coming out looking fabulous and heading for the shop. ROSEY: (Enthusiastically) I’ll help in the shop! (She disappears into the shop). ALLISON: No, you make the - (gives up. Don appears in his work apron). That girl is going to be useless in the women’s land army. DON: Yeah. From off we hear Americans greeting Rosey. Her entrance into the shop has taken the attention of the soldiers). ALLISON: But until then, I think she could be good for business. DON: Yeah. ALLISON: (Pushing him back to the machine room) Now back you go to work. DON: What about smoko? ALLISON: Smoko’s for the workers. Now get to work. 19


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

Allison hurries into the kitchen. DOROTHY: (Poking her head in from the shop and talking towards the kitchen) Allison, can’t Rosey do that? We’re flat out in here! ALLISON: (From the kitchen) Rosey can help you, get her to take the orders. I’ll be there in a minute. DOROTHY: Well, hurry up! ALLISON: (Annoyed) I’ll take as long as I like, thank you very much! Get Dad from the machine room if you can’t cope. DOROTHY: I can cope! The last thing we need is him in here! ALLISON: Well, if you can cope, why are we having this conversation?! DOROTHY: (Frustrated) Arrggh! (She exits back to the shop). ALLISON: (Enters with a tea tray and puts it on the table, calls out the window) George, smoko’. Tea’s on the table. JACK: (Immediately poking his head in the window and giving Allison the fright of her life) Smoko? ALLISON: I didn’t know you were here. Are you helping George? JACK: I certainly am. ALLISON: That’s not like you. JACK: Meaning what exactly? ALLISON: Well you’re not really one for getting your hands dirty, that’s all. JACK: (Offended) Bit of a cheek. ALLISON: Sorry, come on in and wash your hands. I’ve made the tea. JACK: (Looking at his hands and then showing them to Allison) No need. ALLISON: You are helping George with the trench? JACK: Of course. ALLISON: (Looking out the window towards where the trench is supposedly being dug) Doesn’t look like it. Tea’s just for the workers you know. JACK: (Entering) Well, I have supervisory responsibilities. (Jack swaggers in from the back door; he has an egg beater hanging off his belt and is carrying the newspaper. Handing Allison the paper) There you go. ALLISON: Oh, thanks! (She scurries off opening the paper). 20


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

Jack takes a scone and starts eating. George pokes his head through the door. GEORGE: (Whispering) Dorothy here? JACK: No. In the shop I think. (George enters; he has obviously been digging the trench. Jack, pointing to the kitchen) Hands! GEORGE: Oh, right. (From the kitchen) I’ve got a question. JACK: I could see you were thinking. You had your caveman face on. GEORGE: (Looking through from kitchen, with caveman face) What caveman face? JACK: There it is now. When you think, you purse your lips and drop your eyebrows. GEORGE: (Goes back into kitchen to wash) No I don’t JACK: Well, let’s have it. Your question. I’ve got what they call an inquiring mind. GEORGE: (Off) Who? JACK: Me. GEORGE: (Off) No, I mean who calls it an inquiring mind? JACK: People. People call it that. GEORGE: (Off) Do I know them? JACK: Well, I don’t know. George enters drying his hands on his overalls. GEORGE: Does Don? JACK: Does Don what? GEORGE: Know them? JACK: I don’t know. He might. GEORGE: I could ask him. JACK: It doesn’t really matter who calls it that, specifically. It’s a general thing. People generally call it that. Pour the tea. GEORGE: (Pouring the tea) And I don’t know these people, specifically? JACK: Well, I don’t know. But you’d know them generally. GEORGE: What’s the difference between specifically and generally knowing? JACK: Well, for example, “generally” we know the war is going well. 21


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

GEORGE: And specifically? JACK: And specifically we know that by Christmas we’ll all be speaking Japanese and eating rice. GEORGE: Oh, I see. (Moment of reflection and then seeing the scones). Yum, scones. What do they call it, your mind? JACK: Inquiring. An inquiring mind. GEORGE: “An inquiring mind”. Blimey, that’s corker, Jack. Do I have what they generally call an inquiring mind? JACK: No, George. No, you don’t. You have what is called, specifically, a handicap. GEORGE: (Considering this) No, I don’t think so. JACK: Failed your medical. Because… GEORGE: (Ashamed) I have flat feet. JACK: And… GEORGE: And varicose veins. JACK: (Disgusted) Eeew, yuk. At your age. I rest my case. GEORGE: It’s not a handicap! JACK: (No believing him at all) Isn’t it? Isn’t it, George?! GEORGE: It’s a medical condition. What about you, you didn’t pass the enlistment criteria. JACK: Truth is, George, and we’ve been over this before, I’ve dedicated my war efforts to the defence of our community. The recruitment officer agreed that this was the best use of what he called my “unique talents”. (Proudly) He said the last thing we needed was me fighting overseas! GEORGE: Did you wonder why? JACK: (Dismissing that as irrelevant) Ours is not to reason why. Anyway, didn’t you have a question? GEORGE: Oh yeah. (Does caveman look. Dramatic pause and then as if it is one of life’s great unanswered mysteries) Are grapes fruit? JACK: Of course grapes are fruit. What kind of question is that? GEORGE: If grapes are fruit why is a grapefruit called a grapefruit? Because, isn’t a grape a fruit too? So specifically they are both grapefruit, the grape and the grapefruit. JACK: It’s called a grapefruit to distinguish it from a grape.

22


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

GEORGE: But a grape looks nothing like a grapefruit so who’s going to mix them up? If you can’t tell the difference between a grape and a grape-fruit there’s something very wrong with ya. JACK: The blind. GEORGE: The blind? JACK: “Would you like a grape-fruit”, you ask the blind man. He says, “Yes I would like a grape-fruit”. But he’s expecting a sweet grape and you give him a mouthful of sour grapefruit. He’s gonna be ropeable, probably knock ya block off. GEORGE: If he could see me, which he couldn’t, if he was blind. JACK: Point is, you’d have a lot of ropeable blind people if you didn’t distinguish between the two fruits of grapes and grapefruit. ALLISON: (Entering and going through to the kitchen) A grape is a berry. GEORGE: Aha! A berry. A grape-berry is what a grape is. “Blind sir, would you like a grapefruit or a grape-berry?”. “A grape-berry”, says he. He gets what he wants. No-one’s block is knocked off. Perfect. Why don’t we call them grape-berries? JACK: Because no one has ever heard of a grape-berry. You go to the grocers and ask for a grape-berry and they’re not going to know what you’re talking about. You ask a blind joker if he wants a grape-berry he’s not going to have a clue what you’re on about. You’d confuse people, you would. And if there’s one person you shouldn’t confuse, it’s the blind. It’s unethical. ALLISON: (From the kitchen) A fruiting berry. GEORGE: What? ALLISON: (Entering from kitchen) Specifically, a grape is a fruiting berry. JACK: Meaning? ALLISON: Meaning it’s a fruit. A grape-fruit-berry. (She exits to the shop) GEORGE: A grape-fruit-berry? Bit of a mouthful. As the following conversation happens off stage in the shop George and Jack react with smirks etc. DOROTHY: (From off, winding Allison up) A timely return! Where have you been? The rush is over. ALLISON: (Off) The paper arrived 23


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

DOROTHY: (Off) We’ve been flat out in here. There were more yanks than you could throw a stick at. (Coming back into the dining room, in a panic George ducks under the table and drags Jack with him) If it wasn’t for Rosey we’d been stuffed. ROSEY: (Calling from off) I didn’t mind. I like working in the shop. DOROTHY: Thanks, Rosey. It’s good to know I have your support, not like someone else! Come and get a cuppa. You’ve earned it. Not like someone else! ROSEY: (At the doorway) I’ll watch the shop. You have a cuppa. I’m fine. DOROTHY: Thanks, Rosey. Good to know someone appreciates me. Not like someone else! ALLISON: (From off) I can hear you, you know! ROSEY: (To Allison) She’s just winding you up. ALLISON: (Joining Rosey at the doorway) Well, I could throttle her sometimes! DOROTHY: There’s a war on, Allison. We need to all work together. We’ll never bring our boys home if we’re fighting each other. ALLISON: That’s a low blow! DOROTHY: You take it for granted that I’ll be here to keep this place running. Well, you might want to start thinking about how you’d cope without me. George reacts from under the table at this. ALLISON: You think you’re so indispensable? Do you? We’d cope just fine wouldn’t we, Rosey? ROSEY: We certainly would. ALLISON: Wait a minute, what do you mean we should think about coping without you? DOROTHY: (Exchanging the briefest of looks with Rosey) Well, who knows what might happen with my employment options. ALLISON: (Going back to the shop) What rubbish! You do go on sometimes. DOROTHY: What are you doing under the table? Yes, I know you’re there. GEORGE: (Bashfully) Hello, Dorothy. (In a panic he bangs his head on the table).

24


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

DOROTHY: (Giving him a wink and being a little saucy) Hello, George. GEORGE: (Another moment of panic and he bangs his head again) Ouch! DOROTHY: Come out from there. Jack and George scramble out from under the table. JACK: Hello, Dorothy. DOROTHY: Oh, I didn’t realise our entire defence force was under there with you. JACK: (Importantly) Just taking care of that air raid trench for you. DOROTHY: I can’t imagine you on the end of a shovel. JACK: I’m a little over qualified for the actual digging. GEORGE: I’m doing the actual digging. DOROTHY: Of course. That’s because you know how to work, George. GEORGE: Better get back to it. (He scampers off out the back door). DOROTHY: You on the other hand, Jack, know how to sit around drinking undeserved tea and eating undeserved scones. (Taking a scone out of his hand and throwing it out the window). JACK: Hey! What a waste! There’s a war on I’ll have you know. GEORGE: (From off, he’s caught the scone) Thank you! DOROTHY: (Pouring herself a cup of tea) That’ll explain why I can’t for the life of me find a decent bloke in this town. JACK: (Nodding in agreement) Present company excluded of course. DOROTHY: You? George is twice the man you are and he’s half the man he should be. That’s too hard for Jack to make sense of. He changes the subject rapidly. JACK: I have what they call an inquiring mind. DOROTHY: Meaning? JACK: (About to bluff) It means... ( then thinking better of it and playing it cool instead) Dunno, I didn’t ask. DOROTHY: (Loving the irony) So, someone, somewhere, said you had an inquiring mind and you didn’t know what that meant, and didn’t bother to “inquire” what that meant? JACK: So? 25


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

DOROTHY: So, an inquiring mind is one that asks questions. That’s what it is. JACK: I’m more of an answers person than a questions person, Dorothy. DOROTHY: You’re a know-it-all, Jack, that’s what you are. There is a difference. JACK: Now you’re flattering me, Dorothy. But as I’ve said before, as the defender of our community, I need to focus my entire attention onto the war effort. It’s not that you’re not attractive in your own way DOROTHY: In my own way?! JACK: - and I imagine some bloke somewhere could find you to be an adequate mate, but I have to remain in the service of all the women in our community. As the defender of our community, if I start playing favourites all hell could break loose. Keeping morale up is a delicate task and one that I take seriously... as the defender of our community. DOROTHY: Well “defender of our community”, why don’t you take your egg beater and get on your pushbike back to your mother. JACK: (Looking at the clock) Play-lunch! (As he exits, and with much sincerity) You might be 28 years old, Dorothy, but chin up, there’ll be a man out there for you. A lot of blokes are coming back with pretty horrendous injuries, grotesque disfigurements, that kind of thing. Those jokers probably won’t be able to be too choosy. DOROTHY: (Grabbing the African Violet and sending Jack darting out the door) There’s a joker about to get horrendous injuries and grotesque disfigurements right here! DON: (Entering) What’s going on? DOROTHY: Jack. One day I’m going to go Jappo on him and hang him up on the washing by his “spectacles”. Tea? DON: Ouch. Ya can’t treat the defender of our community like that. Tea, yeah, ta. DOROTHY: I think it might well be the only way to treat the defender of our community. DON: Speaking of testicles... DOROTHY: Top pocket. DON: (Discovering his glasses) Oh, right.

26


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

DOROTHY: (A mock telling off) And you’re going to have to be careful what you say, young man. If Allison catches you saying that, you could get in big trouble. DON: Yeah. No sugar . Ta, love, war efforts you know. DOROTHY: Of course. You’re a good man. George is digging the trench. Don ambles over to the window to see the progress on the trench. DON: He’s a decent bloke that George. DOROTHY: (Passing him the tea) Here you go. (An admission) Yeah, he’s alright. Just needs to grow some bigger spectacles. DON: His cobber’s a bit of a drongo. DOROTHY: That’s putting it mildly. DON: Why’s George not fighting the Japs? DOROTHY: Flat feet, I think. He doesn’t talk about it. I think he’d like to be fighting. Seeing Kenneth and all the others get through, and leave, knocked him for a six. Jack’s not helping. DON: There’re ways to get ya medical if ya really want it. Flat feet or no flat feet. Flagon or two of sly grog to the right bloke and Bobs-youruncle. Don ambles off with his tea and a scone as Dorothy goes over to the window to look at George. JACK: (From off) Put your back into it cave-man! GEORGE: (From off) I’m thinking JACK: (From off) “Sir”. GEORGE: (From off) I’m thinking, ‘Sir”. We’re a bit close to the JACK: (From off) You dig. I’ll do the thinking. GEORGE: (From off) But, Jack JACK: (From off) “Sir!” GEORGE: (From off) But, Jack “Sir”, somewhere around here will be the JACK: (From off) See this arm band, George? Don’t argue with your superiors. Put your back into it! GEORGE: (From off) If you say so, Sir. (Suddenly we hear a crack, a tremendous gush of water and yelling from George). 27


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

ALLISON: (Running in from the shop) What is that?! JACK: (At the door a little wet) Do you have a towel? GEORGE: (From off) Help! I can’t swim! DOROTHY: Don’t just stand there, Jack, go and help George! GEORGE: (Off) Help! Jack! JACK: (Standing at the door) I can’t swim either. DOROTHY: Oh for goodness sake! (She pushes him aside and dashes out). ALLISON: How deep is that trench, Jack? JACK: Well, put it this way, you could put in a diving board. ALLISON: Hang on, George, I’m coming! JACK: (Stopping her) As an officer in the ARP I can’t allow you to put yourself in danger. ALLISON: What about Dorothy? JACK: Some sacrifices must be made in a time of war. DOROTHY: (Off) Grab the end of this. GEORGE: (Off) Thanks! DOROTHY: (Off) Kick your feet. There you go. ALLISON: You’d just leave your mate to drown wouldn’t you, Jack? JACK: He’s alright. Bit of a fear of water. Funny thing for a Wharfie. ALLISON: Hilarious. JACK: Yeah, hilarious! DOROTHY: (Off) Come on inside. Allison, fetch us some towels will ya? Allison dashes off for towels. JACK: Yeah, I could do with a towel. Dorothy and George appear at the window. George is soaking wet. Dorothy has managed to escape getting wet. JACK: (Grabbing a towel) Ta. Officers first. Allison and Dorothy help George with towels. He is quite shaken up by the ordeal but trying hard not to show it. GEORGE: You alright, Jack? JACK: Yeah, fine. Allison re-enters with towels. 28


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

ALLISON: You OK, George? GEORGE: Not too keen on water, is all. I’m fine. DOROTHY: (Aggressively to Jack) No thanks to you! JACK: What did I do?! DOROTHY: Nothing! That’s the bloody problem, you ignoramus! JACK: Well, that’s uncalled for. ALLISON: Dorothy, take him to the washhouse to change. Dad’ll have something he can wear. GEORGE: I’ll be alright DOROTHY: Don’t argue, let’s go. Dorothy and George exit. JACK: Put the billy on, Allison, after all that I could do with a cup of tea. (Allison gives him a look of death) Tell you what, let me do it. He heads to the kitchen as Rosey and Mrs Ham enter from the shop. Mrs Ham is carrying a large box about the size of a banana box. ALLISON: You just missed all the excitement. ROSEY: I heard a bit of ruckus but we had a couple of Americans come in. MRS HAM: And I happened to stop by with my weekly special. (She gestures to the large box she is holding). ALLISON: Mrs Ham, I’m not entirely sure you “just” anything. Rosey shares a quick glance with Mrs Ham. They are up to mischief. ROSEY: Anyway, those poor Americans. MRS HAM: Poor Americans! ROSEY: So far from home. MRS HAM: Far from home! ROSEY: Missing their families. MRS HAM: Families! ROSEY: And sweethearts. Mrs Ham gives a throaty chuckle of sensual delight. MRS HAM: Sweethearts. ROSEY: Just like your Kenneth is. MRS HAM: Who? 29


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

ALLISON: My husband! MRS HAM: Oh, him! Any news? ALLISON: (Wincing slightly) No. ROSEY: (Bringing the conversation back on track) Anyway! And I just thought, didn’t we Mrs Ham, that there must be something we can do. But I couldn’t think of anything, could we, Mrs Ham, to relieve their suffering in some small way. MRS HAM: Oh no, dear. We were clean out of ideas. ROSEY: Yes, we were. ROSEY and MRS HAM: (Laying it on thick) What do you think, Allison? ALLISON: We’re being encouraged to be hospitable. I suppose we could invite a couple of them over for tea? Jack pokes his head around the corner. He’s obviously been listening in and doesn’t like this idea at all. ROSEY: What a great idea, I hadn’t thought of that, had we Mrs Ham? MRS HAM: No. I was completely stumped, weren’t we?! A slight a pause. ROSEY: I told them to come tomorrow night at six. Rosey gives Allison a sheepish grin and then skips off to shop. ALLISON: (Rolling her eyes) Glad I could help. MRS HAM: Now, this week’s special JACK: I’m not sure you should let the yanks into your house, Allison ALLISON: You’d better get used to a bit of competition, “defender of our community”. JACK: As an Officer MRS HAM: (Interrupting) So, this week’s special ALLISON: Oh, clear off you two! (She exits to kitchen with cups etc.) A stunned silence as Mrs Ham and Jack watch her exit. MRS HAM: You know what a condom is, Jack? JACK: (Warily) Yeees. MRS HAM: (Tapping the side of the box) Ever thought of buying in bulk? Lights fade to black as Jack looks horrified. 30


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

Act One, Scene Four. The next evening. Don enters, he’s looking for his glasses. He’s a little agitated. DON: Where the bloody hell are they? DOROTHY: (From kitchen) Top pocket! DON: (Taken by surprise by the mystery voice) Aye? DOROTHY: (Appearing at the kitchen door) In your top pocket. (Playfully) You mindless old digger. DON: Mindless? DOROTHY: Yes, mindless. DON: (Relaxing and enjoying this) The cheek of it! DOROTHY: (The word game) A week of what? DON: The cheek of it. DOROTHY: A beak on what? DON: The CHEEK of it!!!! DOROTHY: Alright keep your voice down. Look at you. (She sorts his tie out) The Americans are coming for tea. DON: (The game is back on) Coming from sea? DOROTHY: Coming for tea DON: Who’s coming for me? DOROTHY: Coming for tea. DON: Coming in threes? DOROTHY: Coming for TEA!! ALLISON: (Entering) What’s the racket? (Rolling her eyes) Oh, you too. DON: (Cheekily wandering off) Get a wriggle on, Allison. The Yanks are coming for tea. ALLISON: He adores you, you know. DOROTHY: And so he should. ALLISON: I don’t know how you do it. Everyone else thinks you’re a shrew.

31


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

DOROTHY: Well everyone else can go and take a running jump at themselves. ALLISON: There you go. How do I look? DOROTHY: Very nice. ROSEY: (Entering and carrying an American flag) How do I look? DOROTHY: Very nice. ROSEY: You look very nice. DOROTHY: Well, that’s settled. We all look ALLISON and ROSEY: Very nice. DOROTHY: Exactly. Rosey pins the flag to the wall. ALLISON: You haven’t set the table. I’ve been working on the roast for tea all afternoon and you haven’t even set the table! DOROTHY: Correct. I was side tracked by a man looking for his testicles, err spectacles. ROSEY: (Giggling) You are disgusting, Dorothy. DOROTHY: I don’t even have to work at it. It comes naturally. ALLISON: You and your silly games. DOROTHY: Me and my silly James? ALLISON: Please don’t start. There is a knock at the shop door. DOROTHY: That’ll be them. ALLISON: (In a panic) Bit early. ROSEY: Can I get it? ALLISON: (To Dorothy) Didn’t you tell them to use the house door? DOROTHY: What does it matter which door they use? (On receiving a “look” from Allison). I thought it would be easier than explaining about coming around the back. ROSEY: Can I let them in? ALLISON: (To Dorothy) Fair enough. DOROTHY: What with the mess Jack and George have made. There’s dirt piled up and Lake Eyre out there ALLISON: Yes, yes, that’s fine.

32


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

DOROTHY: Of course, I can take them around the back if you like. They could row across George’s lake. It’d be lovely. You know what we need? A paddle steamer. ROSEY: I’ll let them in, shall I? ALLISON: (To Dorothy) I said the shop door was fine. DOROTHY: Fine? ALLISON: It was a good idea. DOROTHY: Good idea? ALLISON: (Sighing) You were right. DOROTHY: (Smugly) I was right. Thank you. There is another knock at the door. ROSEY: (Yelling) Should I let them in? ALLISON: Yes, take Dorothy with you. Just a moment! (She rushes into the kitchen and comes out with a stack of dinner plates and frantically fusses around setting up for the meal). DOROTHY: Come on, Rosey, we’ll let the Yankee Cowboys in while Allison circles the wagons. Dorothy and Rosey exit to shop. We hear the doorbell clatter and a couple of moments later Mrs Ham is entering the house from the shop with Dorothy and Rosey behind her. ALLISON: What are you doing here? MRS HAM: (Greeting herself in the absence of Allison’s greeting) Hello, Mrs Ham. ALLISON: What are you doing here? MRS HAM: (Continuing with the absent small talk) Fine, thank you. Yourself? ALLISON: What are you doing here? MRS HAM: (Yep, she’s still going) Yes, I got my washing dry. ALLISON: I’m sorry, Mrs Ham, but we have guests arriving at any moment and we don’t really have time for one of your unannounced visits. MRS HAM: I know you have (...guests arriving). Why do you think I’m here? ALLISON: Sorry? MRS HAM: (Turning to Rosey) Bring it in, girl. 33


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

ROSEY: Yes, Mrs Ham. ALLISON: Well? MRS HAM: (As Rosey wheels in the old pushchair) Thought you might like something a little stronger to drink tonight. (She pulls back the push chair canopy to reveal two glass flagons). ALLISON: No thank you, Mrs Ham. I don’t think Don enters. DON: Anyone seen EVERYONE: Top pocket! DON: (As if he has discovered them for himself) Settle down you lot; I got ‘em. He puts the glasses on. ALLISON: You can take that away, thank you, Mrs Ham. ROSEY: (Wide eyed and excited looking at the flagons) Is that “shell shock”? DON: (Gruffly, thinking she’s talking about him) Nah I’m fine. ROSEY: (Pointing to the flagons) No, that. DON: (Eyes lighting up) Shell-shock? ALLISON: Is that shell-shock, Mrs Ham? MRS HAM: (Winking and tapping the side of her nose) This is a domestically produced beverage of indeterminate composition. ALLISON: Is that shell-shock, Mrs Ham? DOROTHY: For crying out loud, Allison ALLISON: Mrs Ham? MRS HAM: (Winking and tapping the side of her nose) This is a mothers remedy. A maternal cure-all to be taken in liberal doses. ALLISON: A simple yes or no, Mrs Ham. Is that shell shock? MRS HAM: No. DON: Bugger. MRS HAM: Well, actually it is. DON: You beauty! ALLISON: I knew it! DOROTHY: Of course it’s shell shock, what else would it be?

34


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

ROSEY: Can I try some? OTHERS: No! ALLISON: Dad, can you please deal with this (situation). DON: Yeah. Shove ‘em in the pantry. ALLISON: Dad! DOROTHY: Chop chop, Allison. ALLISON: But, Dad! DON: For crying out loud, you’ve got ya Yanks coming over, haven’t ya? They’ll be up for a drop. DOROTHY: (Smugly) There’s a dear, Allison. In the pantry. ROSEY: (To Dorothy) What does it taste like, shell shock? DOROTHY: Why are you asking me? (Pause and then crossing her eyes and pulling a drunken face ) Well put it this way, it’s not called shell shock for nothing. MRS HAM: Here, I’ll give you a hand. (She loads the two flagons into Allison’s arms). Now where am I sitting? ALLISON: What do you mean where are you sitting? There is a knock at the door. Allison is thrown into a panic. Mrs Ham pushes her out to the kitchen with the flagons. ALLISON: (From off) That’ll be them! ROSEY: (Excited) Should I get it? DOROTHY: Come on Rosey, we’ll let the Yankees in while Allison circles the “flagons”. ALLISON: (Coming back in a panic) Is anyone getting the bloody door?! DOROTHY and ROSEY: Language! Dorothy and Rosey scuttle out giggling. MRS HAM: These women need a firmer hand, Don. Now where did you want me to sit, Allison? DON: Plant yourself where ever you like, Mrs Ham. Don’t think it matters. ALLISON: It does matter! There’s only six places and I have them Allison stops abruptly as Jack and George appear in the doorway. ALLISON: What are you two doing here? Where are the Yanks?

35


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

JACK: (Stating, what is to him, the obvious) What are we doing here? We’re arriving. ALLISON: For what? JACK: (As if Allison is an idiot) Dinner. ALLISON: You’re not having dinner here, now bugger off! MRS HAM: Language, girl! JACK: We were invited. Weren’t we, George? GEORGE: Yeah, but we can... (“leave if that’s what they want”). DOROTHY: (Interrupting George) Who invited you? MRS HAM: I have my reputation to think about. I’m not attending a dinner with American servicemen without proper chaperones. ALLISON: You’re not attending a dinner here! MRS HAM: (Ignoring her) And what better protection can my “virgin queen” like moral reputation have, than the presence of an Officer DOROTHY: He’s not an Officer. MRS HAM: - of the ARP. Jack proudly points to his armband. ALLISON: You don’t need a chaperone because you’re not staying for dinner! MRS HAM: Well, I’ll just have to leave then, if I’m not welcome. Dorothy, fetch me my (looks at Jack and becomes a little guarded) domestically brewed beverage. DON: (Desperate) You’re not clearing off with the shell-shock are ya, Mrs Ham? JACK: (Suspiciously) Who’s got shell shock? There is a moment of complete silence as everyone avoids eye contact with everyone else. ROSEY: Dad has! DON: No, I bloody well don’t! DOROTHY, ROSEY and MRS HAM: (With not too subtle nods and winks) Yes, you do. DON: No, I bloody well- (suddenly catching on). Oh, yeah, too right, I do. Oh, the horrors! (He dramatically pretends to faint). There is a knock at the door, Allison screams.

36


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

ALLISON: I can’t take this! DON: (Sits up) You alright? DOROTHY: Come on, Rosey. (They exit to the shop to get the door). JACK: Where do we sit? MRS HAM: I don’t think it matters. ALLISON: Of course it matters From off we hear the shop doorbell clatter and American voices, everything in the room stops suddenly and they all look towards the shop. HARRY: (Off) Good evening Ma'am. ROBERT: (Off) Evening Ma’am. DOROTHY: (Off) Good evening gentlemen. Come on through. HARRY: (Off) I hope we’re not late. ROSEY: (Enthusiastically) Not at all. Harry and Robert enter holding flowers and chocolates. There is a standoff of sorts as Harry and Robert see a room of people staring at them. Mrs Ham breaks the silence. MRS HAM: (Licking her lips) Can I keep one? Dorothy and Rosey giggle. ALLISON: Mrs Ham! Black out.

Intermission

37


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

Act Two, Scene One. The scene is exactly as it was at the end of the previous scene. MRS HAM: (Greeting the Americans) I’m Mrs Ham. (Seductively) “Tallulah” Ham. Allison sighs and shakes her head. Dorothy and Rosey stifle laughs. HARRY and ROBERT: (Nodding in greeting) Mrs Ham, Ma’am. MRS HAM: Call me Tallulah. HARRY and ROBERT: (Very unsure about this but nod and greet her) Mrs Tallulah, Ma’am. ALLISON: I’m Allison and these are my sisters Dorothy and Rosey. HARRY and ROBERT: (Greeting the three women) Ma’am. Ma’am. It’s a pleasure, etc. MRS HAM: And this is Jack and George. Harry and Robert shake hands with Jack and George. JACK: (With far too much cool swagger) Howdy, partner. GEORGE: (Following Jack’s lead) Happy trails. GEORGE and JACK: (They’ve been practicing this) Yippee Ki Yay! Harry and Robert exchange glances and smirks. Once again Allison sighs and shakes her head as Dorothy and Rosey stifle laughs. ALLISON: And this is our father, Don Mays. HARRY AND ROBERT: (Shaking Don’s hand) Pleased to meet you Mr Mays, sir. DON: G’day. There is an uncomfortable silence. MRS HAM: Are you going to hand over the loot or just stand there looking gorgeous? HARRY: (Referring to the chocolates and flowers) Oh, these are for you ladies of course. These chocolates are especially for the lady of the house. DOROTHY: Shall we take them to her grave now, or wait until after tea? ALLISON: Dorothy! ROBERT: Oh, we’re terribly sorry Ma’am. ALLISON: (Kindly) Our mother passed away quite some time ago. You weren’t to know. (Enthusiastically taking the chocolates) I’ll take those. 38


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

Rosey, put the flowers in a vase. (Playing the devoted host) So what are your impressions of Australia, gentlemen? HARRY: (Warmly) Well, as one of our advance team guys said when we arrived ROBERT and HARRY: (Smiling broadly) “Australia: No scotch, two per cent beer, but nice folks!” DOROTHY: (Unimpressed) A little patronising don’t you think? HARRY: Not all, Ma’am, Australia is a wonderful place. ROBERT: It certainly is. MRS HAM: Well how about a drink? Allison, go pour a few welcoming “snifters”. DOROTHY: We’ll get them. Come on, Rosey, give me a hand. Dorothy and Rosey start moving towards the kitchen. ALLISON: (Intercepting them) How about we have tea (dinner) first? So, are we ready for tea (dinner)? Gentlemen? HARRY: Yes, Ma’am, tea (cup of tea) would be just great. ROBERT: Yes indeed, we’ve just had the most excellent dinner DOROTHY: Dinner? ROBERT: At the tavern, yes. And a cup of your Australian tea would finish it off just fine. ALLISON: You’ve eaten? HARRY: (Patting his stomach and smiling warmly) Yes, Ma’am. As we say where I come from, “I’m fuller than a tick on a hot-blooded hound dog”. Stunned silence. DOROTHY: (Summing up) So, you’ve had dinner, at the “Tavern” on the way over here for “tea”. And you’re fuller than a tick on a hound dog. MRS HAM: (Correcting her) “Hot blooded hound dog”. HARRY: Yes, Ma’am. MRS HAM: Tallulah. HARRY: Mrs Tallulah, Ma’am. DOROTHY: And that’s quite full is it? HARRY: (Smiling) Oh yes, Ma’am. That’s about as full as a tick can get. Silence.

39


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

ALLISON: So you won’t be wanting any more dinner then, will you? HARRY AND ROBERT: Oh no, thank you, Ma’am! Allison stands there blinking, unable to process this information. DOROTHY: So, we’ll just get the “tea” then shall we, Allison? ALLISON: The what? DOROTHY: The tea. Let’s go make that pot of tea that we invited these fine American gentlemen over for. (She turns Allison towards the kitchen). Come on. JACK: Wait a minute. I thought we were having tea (dinner) here. I haven’t had anything to eat since play-lunch. Everyone turns and stares at Jack. ROSEY: (Stepping in to save the situation) We are having tea. A nice welcoming pot of tea with our fine American guests, haven’t you been listening? Dorothy gives her a nod to keep going. JACK: No, wait a minute ROSEY: You’d have to be a bit soft in the head to get that mixed up. JACK: Eh? ROSEY: And you’re not soft in the head are you, Jack? JACK: (Playing it cool) Soft? In the head? Me? Come on. ROSEY: (Really laying it on thick) That’s why you’re an officer in the ARP (pointing to his armband). No one’s going to pull the wool over your eyes. JACK: (His ego sufficiently massaged to draw the right response) That’s right! I’ve been looking forward to this cup of tea. ROSEY: (Smirking) Since ‘play-lunch”? JACK: Yeah, since... err, play-lunch. MRS HAM: Well that’s settled then. Come on girls, pour the tea. Dorothy pushes Allison into the kitchen. GEORGE: (Sternly) Wait just a minute, I thought we were coming over for that roast mutton you’ve had cooking all afternoon. (Allison’s frantic face pops back into the doorway from the kitchen. A moment of tension. Then warmly, shaking his head and laughing at himself) What an idiot! Everyone laughs warmly back and agrees. Mrs Ham and Rosey exchange “that was a close one” looks. Allison enters with the tray of tea 40


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

cups and tea pot. She pours tea and passes the cups around as the conversation restarts... HARRY: It’s mighty kind of you to have us over for tea. ALLISON: Not at all. HARRY: This reminds me a lot of home. MRS HAM: Does it? HARRY: It sure does, Ma’am. DOROTHY: (Under her breath) Well, I can see then why you left. ROSEY: What’s the base like? ROBERT: It’s basic, you might say. But satisfactory. HARRY: (Not complaining) Basic is right. There’s no electric light or heat in the accommodation. But what we lack in comforts is made up for in an abundance of drafts from the louvered windows! Nights can be colder than a well digger's behind. DOROTHY: And that’s cold, is it? HARRY: (Happily) Yes, Ma’am, that’s about as cold as cold can get! ROBERT: I suppose they’re toughening us up. HARRY: But coming here tonight’s just grand. (Gregariously) In fact, if things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it! (Everyone laughs. Jack doesn’t get it). JACK: Have either of you seen action? HARRY: Well, no. DOROTHY: Here we go. JACK: (Smugly) They say you don’t know yourself truly until you’ve seen action. I can testify personally to this. Prior to seeing action I was a mere child, but now, well, I think it’s pretty obvious what I am now. DOROTHY: (Sotto voce) So tempting, so very tempting. HARRY: (Laughing) No, we haven’t seen action yet. Unless you can count the rumour about that simpleton shooting his pea-shooter at us as we came into harbour! ROBERT: (Laughing along) That’s right, I’d clean forgotten about that! HARRY: (Laughing) What do you think ladies, does that qualify as seeing action? After all, it could have blown us out of the water! ROBERT: (Laughing along) Yes indeed!

41


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

HARRY: A close shave with Davy Jones locker you might say! JACK: (Aside to George) See what did I tell you? GEORGE: (Aside back) No, they’re joking. JACK: (Aside to George) They’re hurting, don’t you worry about that. HARRY: (Laughing gregariously) Oh yes siree, it was a traumatic experience! ROBERT: Where did you see action, Jack? JACK: I’ve been advised not to talk about it. All I can say it was a recent land and sea operation. HARRY: (Seriously) Well I hope we’re able to cope with it as well as you have. They say seeing action affects people in different ways. ROBERT: I have to confess it’s a rather exciting prospect that’s also rather, well, daunting I suppose. MRS HAM: (Seductively) We’ll make sure you boys have a good time here before you head off, don’t you worry about that. Everyone is horrified at the mental picture conjured up of Mrs Ham showing the boys a “good time”. ALLISON: (Panicking) Drink! How about we have something stronger to drink? DON: (Suddenly stirring to life) Yeah! Good on ya! HARRY AND ROBERT: Yes, please! ALLISON: (Dragging Mrs Ham out to the kitchen) Come with me, we’ll just see to the drinks. HARRY: (Noticing a photo of Don in uniform on the mantelpiece). I see you served in the Great War, Sir. DOROTHY: (Putting the brakes on this new topic of conversation) We don’t really talk about that. HARRY: Oh, I am sorry, Sir. DON: Aye? DOROTHY: (Giving warning looks to Harry and Robert) Nothing, dad. HARRY: (Taking the hint and rapidly changing the topic) A gentleman such as yourself must have some great stories about living in this fine land, Sir. DOROTHY: Oh, he has stories, don’t you dad?

42


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

Don’s mind is fixed on the photo on the mantelpiece. ROSEY: Dad! Don’s suddenly back in the present. DON: Aye? ROSEY: You have stories, Dad. JACK: Tell them your fishing story, Mr Mays. DON: Nah, they don’t want to hear that. ROBERT: (Warmly) Of course we would, Sir. HARRY: We’d like to hear your story very much, Sir. Don is unsure. ROSEY: Go on, Dad. DOROTHY: Go on, Dad. HARRY: Where I come from, Sir, they say a good story’s better than seeing a buck-toothed hobo eating corn on the cob through a picket fence. DOROTHY: And that’s good, is it? HARRY: That’s about as good as things can get. DON: Well alright. So this bloke was a cobber of mine, a cow cocky, and you know a cocky’s no wowser (puritan), he’ll go crook at a joker for pinching his pozie (position/place). Well me cobbers pozie was pinched and did he go crook a fair treat? Too right he did! Streuth what a racket! The other joker was a skite, that’s all really. He’d made a dogs breakfast of it so I said to him “you’ve gone and narked (wrecked) the whole bloody show”. It was all up the pole. Anyway, short of a long one, he was a Yank just like you blokes and his Sheila was a Pommie and after a couple (of drinks) we decided what the hell, she’ll be jake (fine) mate. A while later someone told us he was on the flicks! Fair dinkum! That joker was on the flicks! Everyone laughs except for Harry and Robert who haven’t a clue what Don just said. Mrs Ham and Allison enter with drinks and pass them around. Rosey is given a lemonade. HARRY: I didn’t realise that you all spoke Aborigine. I’d like very much to hear that story in English sometime, Sir. ROBERT: I certainly would too! DON: Aye?

43


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

DOROTHY: (Taking this as an insult) What do you mean you’d like to hear it in English!? ROSEY: (Defusing the situation) I’m sure we can work on an American translation for your next visit. ALLISON: (Raising her glass) A toast, to the war, may it be over by Christmas. MRS HAM: Any particular Christmas? ALLISON: This one would be nice. MRS HAM: Well boys, you’ve got 6 months to sort out Hitler and Hirohito. HARRY: We’ll do our best, Mrs Tallulah Ma’am. ROBERT: We certainly will, Ma’am. ALLISON: (Toasting) To Christmas then. OTHERS: To Christmas! Everyone takes a gulp of Shell-Shock (except Rosie with her lemonade). They choke on the potency (with the exception of Mrs Ham who looks thoughtfully into her glass). MRS HAM: Thought it would have had more of a kick. JACK: What is this? Smells just like what you sold mum to run the car on. MRS HAM: That’ll be the special ingredient. (Matter of factly) The weed killer. Everyone looks at their empty glasses. Allison checks her own pulse. HARRY: (Signaling to Robert) Well, it’s been a wonderful evening. ROSEY: (Fishing for another saying) How wonderful exactly? HARRY: (Playing along) Like biscuits & gravy. DOROTHY: (Turning her nose up at that combination) Biscuits & gravy? HARRY: Biscuits & gravy. DOROTHY: (Unconvinced) And that’s good? HARRY: It certainly is. Well, we’ve got an early start tomorrow at 0500 hours. DOROTHY: (To Jack) Which is? JACK: Well, that is of course (Pauses to work it out but can’t) early?

44


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

ROBERT: It certainly is early. As Robert and Harry stand up and say their farewells Mrs Ham rushes out to the kitchen and comes back with the two flagons. MRS HAM: Here you go boys. (With a wink) A little something to keep you warm at night. DON: Hey, that’s my (realises Jack is here)... it’s for the car! DOROTHY: And the weeds! ALLISON: We’ll see you to the door. ROSIE: (Jumping up) Yes. MRS HAM: (Joining Rosie) Me too! HARRY AND ROBERT: Thank you Ma’am. HARRY: I wonder if it might be possible to pick up a couple of items for the boys on the way out. I’ve got their receipts here. (He pulls several dry cleaning receipts out of his pocket). It’s uniforms and whatnot. DOROTHY: (Rolling her eyes) Pass them here, I’ll sort them out while Rosie and Mrs Ham look at you. (She heads into the shop). Harry and Robert shake hands and say farewell to the men in the room and then exit to the shop with Rosie, Allison and Mrs Ham. DON: Decent blokes. Bugger all sense of humour though. Didn’t even crack a smile at my yarn. JACK: Tell it again! DON: Well alright. So this bloke was a cobber of mine, a cow cocky, and you know a cocky’s no wowser, (as the lights fade) he’ll go crook at a joker for pinching his pozie... Black out. Act 2 Scene 2 Monday morning, early. Dorothy enters from the hall to the bedrooms. She is wearing overalls and is very obviously not a morning person. In her stupor, as she heads to the kitchen, she stubs her toe on the corner of the table. DOROTHY: Bloody hell! (She jumps around on her good foot and bumps into a vase. She manages to catch it as it falls). Bugger it! ALLISON: (Coming out from bedrooms) Dorothy?

45


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

DOROTHY: (Getting a fright and almost dropping the vase) Bloody hell! ALLISON: What are you doing? DOROTHY: I’m hopping around on one foot while juggling vases and swearing. What you think I’m doing? ALLISON: Dorothy? DOROTHY: Alright. You’ve caught me; I’m running away to the circus. ALLISON: It’s five thirty in the morning. DOROTHY: Yes, apparently there is also a 5.30 in the morning now. It’s taken me by surprise too. ALLISON: Why are you wearing overalls? DOROTHY: (Doing a turn) Yes, I’m not really sure about them either. Do they make my bum look big? ALLISON: (Sternly) Dorothy, why are you up at 5.30 and wearing overalls? DOROTHY: (Proudly) It’s what we munition workers wear. (Ironically) There’s a strictly no frock policy at the factory. ALLISON: What?! DOROTHY: (Pretending to be serious) It makes perfect sense when you think about it. All those machines covered in grease. They’re a small price to pay for the war effort, overalls. ALLISON: Since when did you work at the munitions factory? DOROTHY: I start this morning. So, if you don’t mind, I will get myself a cup of tea, and then pack a sandwich before I catch the 6.15 bus. ALLISON: What does Dad think? What about the shop? DOROTHY: Dad signed my reference form. ALLISON: He knows?! DOROTHY: I didn’t say he knows. And Rosey can help with the shop. ALLISON: She’s joining the Women’s Land Army. She’ll be gone in a couple of weeks! DOROTHY: Oh yeah, I can really see her on a farm, striding through cow muck and getting dirt under her nails. ALLISON: (An admission) Actually you’re right. I’ve been thinking the same thing. But you working in the factory -

46


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

DOROTHY: When Kenneth is in a trench with Japs approaching, do you or do you not want him to have a grenade in his hand to lob at them? ALLISON: That’s silly DOROTHY: Not so silly, Allison. Someone has to make them so that someone can lob them. That someone is me, in these rather fetching overalls, and the other someone is your Kenneth, in a sandy trench somewhere in the Pacific. (She takes her by the shoulders and turns her towards the bedrooms). Now back to bed for another hour. Then you can explain it all to the rest of the family. ALLISON: But DOROTHY: Just remember: Dorothy make, Kenneth lob. You can’t go wrong. Now, off you go. (She pushes her through the doorway to the hall). There’s a good girl. (Alone in the dining room she smiles to herself at the ridiculousness of it all) “Dorothy make, Kenneth lob”. Lights fade to black as she heads to the kitchen. Act Two, Scene Three. The following Saturday. The lights come up revealing Jack and George in full cowboy costume. Jack is striking what he believes to be a very tough cowboy pose. George is looking very uncomfortable. There is something very 10-year-old-boy about the whole look. GEORGE: I feel like an idiot. JACK: I feel like an idiot...? GEORGE: “Sir”? JACK: “Pilgrim”. GEORGE: Oh, yeah, “Pilgrim”. I feel like an idiot, “Pilgrim”. JACK: (Very, very John Wayne) “Well, Pilgrim, you’d better just climb back onto your hoss and skedaddle outta this canyon. Ain't no place here for an idiot cowboy, (pause) Pilgrim”. GEORGE: (Distracted by the water filled trench he can see out the window). I feel bad about the trench; the waters not draining away. JACK: “Pilgrim”. GEORGE: The waters not draining away, “Pilgrim”. JACK: You’re not even trying, George. GEORGE: I knew the water pipe was there somewhere.

47


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

JACK: It was like Riders of Destiny and I was John Wayne playing Singin' Sandy Saunders. Suddenly all the ranchers had water, plenty of water and the town was saved. GEORGE: It was nothing like that. JACK: “Pilgrim”. GEORGE: (Sighing) It was nothing like that, “Pilgrim”. JACK: Come on, George. This is serious business. GEORGE: (Looking at his ridiculous costume) Really? JACK: How many dances have you been to in the last month? GEORGE: Five. JACK: Not counting with Mrs Ham. GEORGE: None. You? JACK: None! I can’t get a girl to go to a dance with me since the yanks arrived. GEORGE: What about Mrs Ham? JACK: I don’t want to go to a dance with Mrs Ham! GEORGE: (Desperately) Neither do I! JACK: So why do you? GEORGE: I don’t know how to say no! JACK: You floozy, you. GEORGE: It’s not funny. JACK: I know! There are just three things wrong with those bedroom commandos. GEORGE: Who? JACK: The yanks! GEORGE: Oh, right. And what’s that? JACK: They’re over paid, they’re over sexed, and they’re over here! GEORGE: Nice one. Did you make that up? JACK: (Lying, badly) Yeah, yeah. I did. GEORGE: Actually, now that I think about it, I think I might have heard that before somewhere. JACK: The point is, George, that before those blinkin’ yanks came ashore I was in hot demand on the dance circuit. If we’re going to return to our glory days we have to approach this in a whole new way. Learn 48


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

from the enemy. Adapt our battle plan. (Significantly) Become one of them. GEORGE: You mean dress up like ten year olds? JACK: No. GEORGE: Thank goodness for that. JACK: Dress up and talk like cowboys. Everyone knows the true American is found on the plains, Pilgrim. And our women love their Americans. GEORGE: I’m not sure that’s strictly true for all of them. Dorothy enters from the shop upstage and unseen, seeing Jack and George dressed as cowboys she stops. JACK: The point is that if you want to attract women you’re going to have to make an effort. GEORGE: I don’t want to attract women. I couldn’t be less interested in women. JACK: (Stunned) What are you saying, George? GEORGE: I’m saying that women don’t interest me. JACK: Oh I see. It all makes sense now. I knew there was something else. GEORGE: What? JACK: Is this the real reason they wouldn’t let you in the army? GEORGE: What? JACK: Because you’re a “confirmed bachelor”? GEORGE: What are you talking about? JACK: You know what a “confirmed bachelor” is, don’t you, George? Dorothy is really enjoying this and is now joined by Allison. GEORGE: Of course I know what a “confirmed bachelor” is! JACK: What do the blokes on the wharf think? GEORGE: About what? JACK: You not being interested in women? GEORGE: (Losing his cool and tearing off the costume piece by piece and throwing it at Jack as he says…) I am not interested in women Jack, because I am interested in a woman, Jack! I don’t want to go to dances with lots of women. I don’t even like dances! And the woman that

49


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

I like doesn’t like dances! But worse than that she doesn’t like me! (Now standing in his undershorts and singlet). JACK: Well, you’re half way there. You both don’t like dances. GEORGE: But it’s the wrong half isn’t it! The half I need is the other half! JACK: Perspective, George. The war is half won or half lost. It just depends on how you look at it. GEORGE: Well, it looks half bloody lost to me! JACK: (Trying to calm him down) Listen, George GEORGE: No! I’m not listening to you anymore. I will stop digging when I think it is time to stop digging. I will dress the way I want to dress. And talk the way I want to talk, “partner”. JACK: “Pilgrim”. GEORGE: “Pilgrim!” (He storms towards the door). JACK: Where are you going? GEORGE: I’m going to drain that trench, fill it in, and dig a new one. And then I’m going to bloody well go to my shift at the wharf. JACK: In your underwear? GEORGE: In my underwear! JACK: (Looking at watch) Four hours? You’ll never get that done before your shift. GEORGE: Won’t I?!!!! Just watch me! George storms out exits. JACK: Where did that come from? DOROTHY: (Going to the window) Where did he come from? ALLISON: (Referring to the cowboy suits) I see you’ve picked up your dry cleaning. JACK: Yes. ALLISON: What I don’t see is why you’re wearing it in my house. JACK: Well I’m not about to go around in my underpants like George. Unless of course that’s what you’d like, ladies. DOROTHY: (Calling his bluff) Alright, let’s see. JACK: What? DOROTHY: Let’s see you in your underpants.

50


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

ALLISON: (Playing along) Yes, Jack, maybe that is what we’d like. JACK: (Laughing nervously) Yeah, right! DOROTHY: (Going to the window and laying it on thick) You’re probably worried that you can’t compete with George. Look at him out there working in the hot sun, sweat glistening over his throbbing muscles. Not everyone looks that good in underpants. ALLISON: That’s right, he is a sight for sore eyes. JACK: Oh yeah? (In full John Wayne mode) Well Pilgrims you’re about to see what a real cowboy looks like in his underpants! Jack starts taking off his cowboy outfit, flinging garments around the room and striking poses as the classic Lone Ranger music from the end of Rossini’s The William Tell Overture plays courtesy of a record Dorothy has put on the gramophone/record player (or perhaps she just turns on the radio). During the stripping routine Rosey enters from the shop with Mrs Ham. At the final crescendo as Jack leaps up onto the dining room table in his underpants and singlet Robert and Harry appear at the back door. There is a stunned silence. DOROTHY: (Breaking the silence) No. Does nothing for me. Hello gentlemen, anything we can help you with? HARRY: I’m sorry, Ma’am, we’re obviously interrupting something. JACK: (Gathering up the last shreds of dignity and exiting to the kitchen) If you’ll excuse me, I have some important ARP business to attend to. (Flustered, he exits to the kitchen by mistake. He comes out and heads to the back door) Wrong door. GEORGE: (Off) Jack look out! We hear Jack fall into the water filled trench. MRS HAM: What the hell was that boy doing? ALLISON: I’m sorry you had to see that, Mrs Ham. MRS HAM: Sorry? I’m wondering what he charges by the hour! DOROTHY: (To Harry and Robert) There is a completely rational explanation for what you just saw. ROBERT: (Doubtful) I’m sure there is Ma’am. ALLISON: How can we help you gentlemen? HARRY: Actually, Ma’am we came to see Mrs Tallulah. ALLISON: (Suspiciously) Oh?

51


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

HARRY: Yes, but these (they have flowers and chocolates) are for the ladies of the house. ALLISON: (She quickly grabs the chocolates and passes the flowers to Rosey). What lovely flowers, Rosey. Oh, you really don’t need to go to the trouble of bringing gifts, gentlemen. HARRY: It’s no trouble, Ma’am, and we’re happy to do so. ROBERT: We certainly are, Ma’am. ALLISON: Well, you are too kind. ROBERT: Not at all. ALLISON: In that case, don’t let us stop you. HARRY: Now, the reason for our visit... there’s something we’re hoping you can help us with, Mrs Tallulah. MRS HAM: Of course gentlemen. How much do you want? HARRY: Another couple of “flagons” of your “shell-shock” beverage would be mighty fine if you can stretch it. Allison is speechless in horror that black marketeering is happening in her dining room. MRS HAM: Bring it in will you, Rosey? ROSEY: Righto’. (She exits to the shop). HARRY: (Taking out a roll of notes and a handful of coins) Now, how much do you MRS HAM: (Helping herself to the appropriate amount of money) This’ll do fine. Rosey enters with the push chair. Mrs Ham pulls back the covers revealing the flagons and Harry and Robert take them. HARRY AND ROBERT: Thank you Ma’am! ALLISON: (Horrified) You’re not going to drink all that? HARRY: Oh no, Ma’am, we’re taking a trip into the city. We can get 50 miles to the gallon on this fire water. ROBERT: We’ll pick you up at 6pm, Rosey? ROSEY: Yes. ALLISON: What?! ROSEY: I’m going into the city with Harry and Robert. ALLISON: No, you’re not! Sorry, gentlemen.

52


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

HARRY: We’ll take good care of Rosey, Ma’am. ALLISON: Of course you would, but I don’t think it’s appropriate that Rosey should MRS HAM: I’m going too. ROSEY, ROBERT and HARRY: You are?! MRS HAM: I certainly am. Why, it wouldn’t be appropriate for a young lady to go to the city without a proper chaperone. (Hopeful) You gentlemen wouldn’t dream of behaving inappropriately, would you? ROBERT and HARRY: (Horrified) No Ma’am / Of course not Ma’am! MRS HAM: (Disappointed) Just my luck. ALLISON: I’m not entirely sure you’re what I would call an appropriate chaperone, Mrs Ham. MRS HAM: The cheek of it! HARRY: (Eagerly) Perhaps you’d like to come, Dorothy. DOROTHY: Me? I wouldn’t be seen dead in the city with an American serviceman. Our boys overseas fighting and us running around with a stand-in-army of yanks? No, thanks. I’d prefer a Aussie bloke as the object of my affections. No offence meant. HARRY and ROBERT: (A little wounded) None taken. ALLISON: Dorothy! DOROTHY: Well, you go then. ALLISON: I can’t go. What would Kenneth think? DOROTHY: He doesn’t have to know. ALLISON: Dorothy! DOROTHY: Besides I don’t have anything to wear. ALLISON: You could borrow HARRY: We could - (buy you a new dress). DOROTHY: And even if I did, I don’t like dancing, you know that. ALLISON: But someone should DOROTHY: Then let Mrs Ham go with Rosey. HARRY: (Not liking that idea at all) Perhaps we can find another chaperone Don walks in, Allison collars him. ALLISON: Dad, bring some sense to this situation. 53


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

DON: Aye? ROSEY: I want to go into the city with Harry and Robert but Allison’s kicking up a fuss. ROBERT: We’ll take good care of her, Sir. HARRY: You have my word, Sir. ALLISON: She doesn’t have a chaperone! MRS HAM: I’m going too. DON: Goodo’. (Protests from everyone except for Dorothy and Mrs Ham). Streuth, what a wowser, she’ll be right, it’s just a trip to the flicks. HARRY: What did he say? ROSEY: He said it’s fine. ALLISON: But Dad, I’m not convinced Mrs Ham DON: That’s me final word! (Mrs Ham looks very smug. Dorothy loves the madness of it all. Everyone else begrudgingly accepts his authority. He wanders off) Now, where’re me testicles? Stunned silence. DOROTHY: (Covering) Spectacles are in your top pocket! Everyone figures they must have heard him wrong... except for Dorothy of course who smirks to herself. MRS HAM: (Pushing Harry and Robert out) Well that’s settled then. We’ll see you at 6pm. We’d better get ready, Rosey. I’d better put my face on! DOROTHY: You’ve only got four hours, Mrs Ham, you might have to stick with that one. MRS HAM: The cheek of it! I’ll have you know that during the last war I spent a summer as a dancer at the Moulin Rouge! ALLISON: (Impressed) Paris! MRS HAM: Broken Hill. ALLISON: Oh. MRS HAM: So, I’ve got a fair idea of what goes on in the big smoke. ALLISON: Of course you do. Well, off you go (she pushes Mrs Ham to the door). Go put on that face you promised us. MRS HAM: (Exiting with pushchair) I’ll be back at six! DOROTHY: (Sotto voce) I think I’d rather see the Japanese at six.

54


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

ROSEY: Allison, can you give me a hand? ALLISON: (Sternly) Alright, but it doesn’t mean I approve. (Giving in and smiling) Oh what the heck, we’ll give you the full treatment, aye? They exit to the bedrooms chatting excitedly about how they are going to make Rosey up. DOROTHY: (Calling out the window and teasing George) Looking good, George! (George screams and falls into the trench with a splash. Dorothy laughs and heads to the door to save him) Oh, for goodness sake, George! Next summer I’m teaching you to swim! The lights fade as Dorothy disappears out the door. Act Two, Scene Four. Just before 6pm the same night. Jack enters from the back door. He is dressed as an American Indian. JACK: Hello? Hello? No one answers so he wanders into the kitchen to find something to eat. Allison appears at the doorway from the bedrooms. ALLISON: Hello? JACK: (Appearing from the kitchen with a scone) Hello. ALLISON: You’re dressed as an Indian. JACK: Yes. You see ALLISON: (Stopping him) I don’t want to know why. ROSEY: (From off) Allison, I think we’ll need to pin this. ALLISON: Coming! (To Jack) Haven’t you got official ARP business somewhere to attend to? Windows to look at. Pigs to chase on the beach? JACK: They were Japs! ALLISON: Of course they were. ROSEY: (Off) Allison! ALLISON: Coming! I haven’t got time, Jack, no one has time right now. Off you go. ROSEY: (Off) Allison, where’s the pins? Can you help me? ALLISON: (Pushing Jack towards the door) Off you go, and stop letting yourself into the house and helping yourself to my baking. ROSEY: (Off) Allison? ALLISON: I’m coming! 55


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

Allison exits to help Rosey. Jack leans on the door frame chomping away on the scone. Dorothy pokes her head in from the shop. DOROTHY: What’s all the yelling about? JACK: Rosey needs a hand with some pins. DOROTHY: Oh. (Reflecting) You know, my world has become a strange place. I see you there dressed like an idiot in an Indian outfit and it seems normal. I have no desire to even ask you why. Men fall into ponds in my backyard so often now I’m offering swimming lessons. I get up at five thirty in the morning to work at a munitions factory making grenades that are sent overseas for Aussie blokes to chuck at Japs, Krauts and I’ties. Our town is crawling with Americans and I’m sending my little sister off for a night in the city with a former dancer from the Moulin Rouge, Broken Hill. This is my life. 28 years old, unmarried, no children. Surrounded by lunacy. Not really what I had planned for my life. JACK: No? DOROTHY: No. Well, enough about me. You’re loving this war aren’t you, Jack? It’s working out great for you. What have you got to say for yourself, Big Chief Little Brain? What’s the latest from military HQ? JACK: Oh, I can’t discuss military issues with a civilian. DOROTHY: No? JACK: No. DOROTHY: What a pity. I bet there’s so much going on in the uncurtained bedrooms of this town. JACK: I’m not at liberty to divulge. Loose ships sink lips. DOROTHY: Now about that. (Correcting him) Loose lips sink ships. JACK: (Correcting her) Loose ships sink lips. DOROTHY: No, listen. Loose lips sink ships. Loose lips. JACK: (Slowly and deliberately) Loose ships sink lips. DOROTHY: (Giving up) Really, lips? JACK: That’s right. DOROTHY: Well, I must say I am intrigued. Do you think you could explain that to me? JACK: I believe the origin of that phrase is nautical. Have you heard the phrase “keeping a tight ship”? DOROTHY: Of course.

56


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

JACK: (As if he is talking to a child) Well, is a tight ship a good thing or a bad thing? DOROTHY: It’s a good thing. JACK: So the reverse is naturally a bad thing. DOROTHY: The reverse being...? JACK: A loose ship. DOROTHY: I see. And therefore a loose ship sinks lips? JACK: Of course. You don’t want one of those! DOROTHY: Well, I do feel silly; I thought it was “loose lips sink ships” meaning that careless talk might lead to ships being sunk by the enemy. JACK: What an imagination you have. DOROTHY: Says the man who lives in a wigwam and who thought a ship of Americans was a Japanese invasion. JACK: You’re referring to my recent military engagement as if it was less than glorious. DOROTHY: Well, wasn’t it? JACK: I don’t expect you to understand, as a civilian. Your father would appreciate it for what it was. DOROTHY: Is that right? JACK: Oh yes. We’re connected now. There’s an unspoken bond. You might say. We’re a “band of brothers”. DOROTHY: Just a “duet” really. JACK: (Ignoring her) There’s a bond between men who’ve seen action. A bond that no words can fully describe. DOROTHY: (Sighing) But you’re going to anyway. JACK: I’ve looked the beast of war in the eye and not been found wanting, Dorothy. You can rest easier tonight knowing that. DOROTHY: Oh, I sleep like a baby, don’t worry about that. JACK: When you’ve seen action it changes you. The world is a different place. Your perceptions change, your awareness heightened. DOROTHY: Is that right? JACK: When I close my eyes I can just about feel the rotation of the earth. He closes his eyes like a Zen master. Dorothy walks out shaking her head and Allison comes back in. 57


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

JACK: The slightest movement, any change in environs-”ment” no matter how imperceptible is like the clashing of a cymbal to me now. (He opens his eyes and, seeing that Allison has magically replaced Dorothy, screams). Aaargg! He runs into the kitchen. ALLISON: Why are you still here? Mrs Ham bustles in wearing a Moulin Rouge Can Can dress, gaudy makeup, impossibly high heels, feather boa and feather hat/headband. MRS HAM: Are they here? I’m not late, am I? They haven’t left without me, have they? ALLISON: No, calm down, woman. You’re going to blow a fu-fu valve if you’re not careful. (Suddenly registering what Mrs Ham is wearing). Moulin Rouge, Broken Hill? MRS HAM: (With glee) They called me “Knickers”. ALLISON: (With mock enthusiasm) Did they?! Did they really?! How wonderful! MRS HAM: Yes, “Knickers”. Because I flashed them my knickers, at the Moulin Rouge. ALLISON: Broken Hill. MRS HAM: That’s right, Broken Hill. ALLISON: Yes, there was really no need for an explanation, Knickers. ROSEY: (Entering dressed ready for the trip to the city) I was afraid I was going to be over dressed. You look (searches for the right word and gives up) lovely, Mrs Ham. We hear a car horn outside. Mrs Ham and Rosey are very excited. ALLISON: That’ll be them. (Mrs Ham dashes for the door) Wait for them to come in for you. Try to show a bit of decorum, Knickers ROSEY: What? ALLISON: You don’t want an explanation, trust me. MRS HAM: Now before they come in, which one is mine? ROSEY: Sorry? MRS HAM: Which one is mine. The Americans. ROSEY: I don’t know if it works like that, Mrs Ham.

58


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

MRS HAM: Listen girl, I don’t want this evening to be ruined by a little misunderstanding between us. It could get messy. And you don’t want to get messy with me! ALLISON: I thought you were a chaperone. MRS HAM: Lover, chaperone. Words. ROSEY: (Seeing this could wreck the whole trip before it even begins) Harry! You take Harry. MRS HAM: Now which one was Harry? Was he the... (makes a random gesture). ROSEY: (Unsure what that gesture meant) Err yeah, that’s Harry. Harry and Robert knock at the door and Rosey races to open it. Harry and Robert enter. Mrs Ham squeals with delight. ROSEY: Hello! HARRY: Good evening, Rosey! ROBERT: Hello, Rosey! ALLISON: Hello, Gentlemen. ROBERT: (Greeting Allison and Mrs Ham) Ma’am. Mrs Tallulah Ma’am. HARRY: (Greeting Allison and Mrs Ham) Ma’am. Mrs Tallulah Ma’am. Mrs Ham points to Robert and mouths “That one?” Rosey mouths “No” and points to Harry. ALLISON: What time will you be back? HARRY: Well, Ma’am, I anticipate it will take us a little over an hour to drive into the city, then we’ll want a good few hours there, and then another hour or so to get home, so I think we should be back by 11.30pm ALLISON: At the latest. HARRY: (Taking the hint) Yes Ma’am at the latest. If it takes us a little longer to get there, we’ll just leave a little earlier to get back. ALLISON: Well, that’s settled then. Jack appears at the doorway to the kitchen. JACK: (Menacingly) White man speak with fork tongue! HARRY: Hey fella, what are you wearing?! JACK: It terrifies you, doesn’t it? Yes. Brings back some terrible memories. Touches some raw nerves, I bet. ROBERT: Sorry? 59


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

Dorothy appears at the door to the bedrooms and observes. JACK: Little Big Horn. (He pauses significantly) Custer’s last stand. You invaded our land. Stole our women. This ends here! Arrrgghhh! (He screams and rushes at Harry who drops him with a single punch). HARRY: (Shocked) I am so sorry! (To Allison) Ma’am, I am so terribly sorry. I shouldn’t have hit him. That was awfully remiss of me. ROBERT: (Panicking) Please don’t call the M.P.s. (He takes a bundle of money from his pocket) We’ll make it up to him! HARRY: (Taking money from his pocket) Yes, Ma’am! How much? Hell, take it all! It was a reaction, I boxed in College. Perhaps we should get back to the base. ALLISON: (Calming Harry and Robert) Oh I think you’re mistaken. HARRY: Ma’am? ALLISON: Well, gentlemen, he simply tripped and fell, those moccasins are deadly. Then he hit his head on the corner of the table on his way down. Nothing to do with you HARRY: It isn’t? ALLISON: Oh no. Is it ladies? MRS HAM and ROSEY: No! ALLISON: About time someone took him down a peg or two. DOROTHY: (At the door) You know we’ll never hear the end of it. Another “military engagement”. MRS HAM: (Enthusiastically) Let’s throw his body in that trench of yours. Douse him with shell shock and set him alight. There'd be nothing but charred bones by morning. DOROTHY: Tempting. Harry and Robert are horrified. ALLISON: No, I think we’ll just leave him. Well, time is ticking by, if you want to get back by 11.30 - and believe me you do - then you’d better get going. MRS HAM: (Excitedly leading Harry out by his tie) Come on big boy! Lights fade as exits are made and farewells called out. Act Two, Scene Five.

60


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

12.30am The same night. Jack is off seeing to his bruised eye. Dorothy is reading a paper at the dining room table. Allison is standing anxiously at the window. Don enters. DON: (To Dorothy) Still up? DOROTHY: (Playing their game) Did I hiccup? DON: (Enjoying the game) Still up? DOROTHY: Did I fill up? DON: Are you still up? DOROTHY: Am I a bishop? (She say’s “Bish-up”). ALLISON: Oh for goodness sake you two! Can’t you take anything seriously? DOROTHY: They’ll be fine. If Jack’s experience is anything to go by I should think Harry could single handedly end the war. DON: You’re up at sparrows fart. You’ll be knackered tomorrow. Why are ya still up? DOROTHY: (Playing) Why a bill for the pup? ALLISON: Please, Dorothy! DOROTHY: Saturday, dad. No work tomorrow. Waiting for Rosey to get in. ALLISON: They’re late. DOROTHY: Why aren’t you in bed? DON: (Playing) Would I like some bread? ALLISON: (Pushing Don out towards the bedrooms) Right, off you go. Sweet dreams. DOROTHY: Simple pleasures, Allison. ALLISON: Simple minds more like. DOROTHY: It’s mental exercise. I think it’s good for him. Besides, he enjoys it. ALLISON: And so do you. DOROTHY: So? We’re not allowed to enjoy ourselves now? ALLISON: I’m not saying that. DOROTHY: Well? ALLISON: It’s a silly game. It’s beneath him. I hate seeing him like that.

61


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

DOROTHY: It’s just finding pleasure where you can. God knows there’s little to be found around here. And if Rosey is a little late ALLISON: It’s 12.30! DOROTHY: An hour? What does it really matter? Life doesn’t work out the way you think it should. You and I know all about that. You got yourself a good man and he buggers off to war. And I made the mistake of not finding one before they all buggered off with him. Don’t worry about Rosey, she’ll be having the time of her life. ALLISON: (An admission) These Yanks aren’t a bad lot. Harry could be dead keen if you gave him half a chance. DOROTHY: I know. I was tempted to go tonight. ALLISON: Really?! (Dorothy nods. Allison confesses...) So was I. Why didn’t you? DOROTHY: They’re heart breakers. ALLISON: Yeah, but what a way to go! DOROTHY: (Surprised) Allison! ALLISON: Believe it or not I do have a pulse. DOROTHY: Sooner or later they’ll be shipped out to fight. What state will they be in afterwards? And they won’t be coming back here you can be sure of that. ALLISON: (Picking up Don’s platoon photo) I look at Dad and wonder if that’ll be my Kenneth. And that’s if he makes it home. George appears at the window. DOROTHY: (Putting her arm around Allison) Oh he’ll come back - he wouldn’t dare not! And when he does, and in whatever state he’s in, you’ll sort him out. ALLISON: You know it’s your own fault you’re not married. You scared all those boys away. DOROTHY: That was my standard. If he wasn’t frightened off, then he was the man for me. Perhaps I should have lowered the volume a bit. ALLISON: There are still some local boys left. DOROTHY: Failures. ALLISON: This is why you’re not married. DOROTHY: By definition all the best boys are at war. You fail the test you stay home. George knocks lightly on the door and pops his head in. 62


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

GEORGE: (To Allison) Your window’s not covered. You can see if from the street. (Pulls curtain closed) Hello, Dorothy. DOROTHY: George. ALLISON: Hello, Allison. Hello, George. GEORGE: Oh! Hello, Allison. Sorry. Don’t let the ARP see that window. ALLISON: (Explaining about the curtain) We’re just waiting up for Rosey. She’s gone to the city with some Americans and they’re late home. GEORGE: (Concerned) When were they due back? ALLISON: An hour ago. GEORGE: An hour ago?! DOROTHY: What are you doing wandering around the town at midnight? GEORGE: Nightshift, finished early. ALLISON: Jack’s here somewhere. GEORGE: What’s he doing here? ALLISON: Recuperating. GEORGE: What from? DOROTHY: Little Big Horn. JACK: (At the door from the kitchen and sporting a black eye) G’day, George. GEORGE: What happened to you?! DOROTHY: Custer’s revenge. ALLISON: He had an altercation with one of the Americans. GEORGE: What Americans are these? ALLISON: The ones that are late with Rosey. (We hear a car pull up and some voices. Allison goes to the window) Here they come now. GEORGE: Are you alright, Jack? JACK: I was protecting our women! GEORGE: Who did it Jack? Rosey enters followed by Harry. Jack points to Harry. HARRY: I am so sorry we’re late GEORGE: (Courteous but firm, moving Rosey aside and approaching Harry) Excuse me Rosey.

63


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

He punches Harry who falls back out the door and is about to go out after him. ROSEY, DOROTHY, ALLISON: (Grabbing George) George! No! Stop! etc. George stops, he has fire in his eyes. Dorothy pulls him away from the door. DOROTHY: Easy tiger! It’s not what you think! ALLISON: Jack got what he deserved! GEORGE: But, Rosey ROSEY: I’m fine. The car broke down, we had to wait for a taxi! (She goes out to see to Harry). GEORGE: So? DOROTHY: So you’ve just decked a Yank for no good reason. GEORGE: Have I? DOROTHY: (Very proud of him) Yes, you have. ALLISON: (Point to the door) Perhaps you’d better apologise. GEORGE: I’m terribly sorry. ALLISON: I mean to Harry. GEORGE: Oh, right. (He heads out the door, we hear apologies and chatter in the background from George, Mrs Ham, Rosey, Harry and Robert as the dialog on stage continues). ALLISON: (Laughing) Why is that boy not fighting our war? DOROTHY: What would everyone else do? ALLISON: They could send all the other boys home. George enters helping Harry. Mrs Ham, Robert and Rosey follow them in. HARRY: (Rubbing his chin) I’m OK. That’s quite some set of knuckles you’ve got yourself there. ROBERT: We are sorry we’re late back, Ma’am. ROSEY: There was this huge bang and smoke was pouring out of the motor. Mrs Ham was screaming. It was very dramatic. MRS HAM: I never screamed. (The others look at her) Well, not for long. HARRY: I think it was the shell-shock. I’ve never seen a motor rev so high. 64


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

ROBERT: It blew a piston right out! GEORGE: (To Jack) Did you (makes an egg beater gesture)? JACK: No. ROSEY: Eventually we got a taxi. It cost a fortune. HARRY: (In good humour) An inconvenience, that’s all. Don’t think anything of the money. Hell, I can’t make head nor tail of your money anyway. We do apologise for being late, don’t we Bob? ROBERT: We certainly do. It won’t happen again, I promise you. ALLISON: Well, I suppose no harm’s done. DOROTHY: Beyond black eyes and broken jaws. ALLISON: Errr, yes. HARRY: We’d better be getting back to base. DOROTHY: Yes. Time for everyone to bugger off. ALLISON: She’s just joking. (Everyone laughs politely. Then with a twinkle in her eye). Actually, she’s right, bugger off. Everyone laughs and gives their farewells. Blackout. Act Two, Scene Six. The following Wednesday, late afternoon. Don enters. He stops by the platoon photograph and salutes. He picks it up and starts looking for his spectacles. Allison enters. ALLISON: Let me guess. You’re looking for your testicles. DON: Yeah. (Then realising what she has said) Allison! ALLISON: Don’t play innocent with me, young man. DON: Oh, you’ve heard that one have ya? ALLISON: Impossible to miss really, Dad. DON: Suppose so. ALLISON: You don’t “know”? DON: (Repeating) No, “I suppose so”. ALLISON: You know “Joe”? DON: (Very deliberately) I suppose so.

65


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

ALLISON: You think it might “snow”? Don finally clicks that Allison is playing the word game with him and laughs as he shakes his finger at her. DON: Streuth, I never saw that coming! Ya cheeky sod! ALLISON: I’m not familiar with the rules but that has to be some kind of bonus win for me. They’re in your top pocket by the way. There is a knock at the back door. Don wanders off into another part of the house. ALLISON: Come on in! (George enters with his work duffle bag). Do you ever change your clothes? GEORGE: Sorry? ALLISON: Hello George. Do you ever change? Those overalls must be able to stand on their own by now. There is such a thing as Sunlight Soap you know. GEORGE: I know about Sunlight Soap. ALLISON: Have you considered the use of said soap? GEORGE: These are my Wednesday overalls. ALLISON: Your what? Please don’t tell me you have a pair of overalls for each day of the week? GEORGE: No. ALLISON: Well that’s a relief. GEORGE: Don’t be silly. I have two pairs for each day of the week. In winter I wear two pairs to keep warm and in the summer I change overalls half way through my shift. You get pretty sticky in the heat. It’s nice to get into a clean pair. Spring and autumn, that’s the best time of year, I only wear one pair a day and so I only have to do my washing twice a month. ALLISON: Here I was thinking you were a slob and instead you’re probably the cleanest bloke on the wharves. GEORGE: (Bashful) Well, I don’t know about that. ALLISON: What shift are you on, George, are you coming or going? GEORGE: Going. Six till six. ALLISON: That’s a long night. GEORGE: Not so bad, I’m driving one of those Yankee forklifts mostly now. (Blank look from Allison). It’s a little tractor with prongs on the

66


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

front. Picks up a whole lot of boxes in one go. Saves a lot of time. (Realises he is getting way off point) Anyway, is Dorothy home? ALLISON: (Intrigued) Yes. GEORGE: Oh, good. ALLISON: And? GEORGE: Could you, can you get her for me? ALLISON: (Calling down the hallway to the bedrooms) Dorothy! There’s someone here to see you. DOROTHY: (Off) Who? ALLISON: George. DOROTHY: (Off) George? ALLISON: Yes, George. DOROTHY: (Off) Alright I’m coming. ALLISON: (Stating the obvious) She’s coming. DOROTHY: (Off) That idiot Jack’s not with him is he? Allison looks at George. GEORGE: (To Allison) No. ALLISON: No! DOROTHY: (Off) Good! ALLISON: (To George) She said that’s good. DOROTHY: (Off) What does he want? ALLISON: I don’t know! DOROTHY: (Off) Can you ask him? ALLISON: What do you want? GEORGE: I have something for her. ALLISON: He has something for you! DOROTHY: (Off) What is it? ALLISON: (To George) What is it? GEORGE: Can you just get her to come out? ALLISON: You’re right. Dorothy, will you just come out here? ROSEY: (Off) She’s changing!

67


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

DOROTHY: I’m just changing from work! But don’t tell him, his imagination will go wild! Make something up! ALLISON: (Looking at George) Umm. Careful with that imagination, George. GEORGE: Here, give this to Dorothy. (He takes a package out of his work duffle bag). Mrs Ham bursts into the house. MRS HAM: Am I late? I’m not late am I? ALLISON: (To George) You’re in charge. (She heads off to Dorothy’s room with the package). MRS HAM: Am I late? Have they gone? GEORGE: Who? MRS HAM: Rosey and the Yanks. GEORGE: I’m pretty sure Rosey is down there (points towards bedrooms). MRS HAM: Oh, good. GEORGE: I’ve been meaning to ask you, Mrs Ham, if I might be able to purchase a flagon or two of shell-shock. MRS HAM: Well you might be able to. I’m selling a fair bit to the blokes at the base but I can get you one. I have a new batch coming out tonight. You want to pick it up after work? GEORGE: Actually, I was wondering if you might be able to deliver it to someone for me. MRS HAM: Who is this for exactly? (George looks around and then whispers in Mrs Ham’s ear). Oh, I see. You sure about this? GEORGE: Yeah. Yeah, I’m sure. ALLISON: (Entering) What are you two whispering about? GEORGE: Nothing. Is she coming out? ROSEY: (Entering) Are you ready, Mrs Ham? MRS HAM: I certainly am. What time are they picking us up? ROSEY: Any time now, I think. Dorothy enters wearing a very flattering dress and looking a million bucks, the women all “Ooh and Aah”. George looks very pleased. ROSEY: Where did you get that?! DOROTHY: George gave it to me. 68


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

MRS HAM: Where’s mine?! ALLISON: It fits perfectly. Who helped you with it? GEORGE: I had it made. ALLISON: Yes of course, but I mean the sizing. GEORGE: (He rattles off Dorothy’s measurements) 5 foot 4, 9 and a quarter stone, (pointing to her waist) 30 and a half inches, (pointing to her bust and then thinking better of it) and umm, Etcetera. DOROTHY: Close. (George shakes his head) Very close. (George raises his eyebrows) Alright then smarty pants, perfect. ALLISON: How do you... GEORGE: (Instantly sizing Allison up) 5 foot 2, 8 and a half stone, (pointing to her waist) 30 inches, (pointing to her bust and then thinking better of it) and umm, Etcetera. You were 10 and half stone before Kenneth left. You’ve lost it all off your... etcetera. (Naturally you’ll adjust the measurements to the actual sizes of the women playing the roles). MRS HAM: Do me! GEORGE: 5 foot 1, 12 stone, 42 inches (pause) Etcetera. DOROTHY: And Rosey? GEORGE: 5 foot 4, 8 and a quarter stone, 28 inches. DOROTHY: Etcetera. GEORGE: (Nodding) Etcetera. ALLISON: Alright then smarty pants, how big’s our section? GEORGE: 15800 square feet. DOROTHY: Is that correct? ALLISON: I really have no idea. GEORGE: Actually it’s not. MRS HAM: He doesn’t know. It’s a parlor trick. GEORGE: 15812, I rounded down for convenience. MRS HAM: Where the hell did you find all this out? GEORGE: I just know. I look at something and can size it up. Some of us at the wharves are getting quite good at it. Plenty of practice loading and unloading I suppose.

69


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

DOROTHY: (Looking at herself approvingly) Well, I for one am not complaining. GEORGE: (Admiring Dorothy) Me neither! ALLISON: What’s this all about, George? GEORGE: (Blushing) Oh I dunno, compensation for Dorothy having to dress like me all week, I suppose. DOROTHY: (Approaching a now fearful George) Thank you, George. Very sweet of you. (She kisses him on the cheek). George stands for a moment stunned and then picks up his duffel bag and runs out the back door. MRS HAM: I think our Americans are in for some stiff competition. We hear the bell ring in the shop. ROSEY: I’ll go; it’ll be Harry and Robert. MRS HAM: I’m coming! They both rush out to the shop. ALLISON: So, what does this mean? DOROTHY: It doesn’t mean anything. ALLISON: Really? DOROTHY: What?! ALLISON: Perhaps all the best Aussie blokes haven’t left our shores after all. Rosey and Mrs Ham enter, ashen faced. ROSEY: It’s the Postmaster. ALLISON: What does he want? MRS HAM: You, dear. ALLISON: Oh. (There is a long pause as Allison looks towards the shop. No one in the room dares to speak). DOROTHY: (Taking Allison’s hand) I’ll come with you, come on. ROSEY: (Taking Allison’s other hand) Yes. ALLISON: No. No, I’ve got to do this. (Protests from the others) No! Please, let me deal with this alone. Allison walks numbly through to the shop. MRS HAM: Oh dear, poor Allison.

70


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

Rosey clutches Dorothy who has tears in her eyes. They hold onto each other for dear life. There is a knock at the back door and Harry and Robert poke their heads in. HARRY: (Cheerily) Hello ladies! (Seeing all is not well) What’s wrong? (He enters with Robert following). What’s going on? DOROTHY: The Postmaster has come to see Allison. ROBERT: Oh no. I’m so sorry. HARRY: Well, in the light of the circumstances I think we’d better cancel our outing. Mrs Ham and Rosey nod. DOROTHY: I think that’s best. ALLISON: (Entering) Why? HARRY: Well, out of respect Ma’am. ROBERT: Yes, Ma’am. Dorothy and Rosey hug Allison. ALLISON: Is this the kind of reaction I’m going to get every time I get some mail? (She takes a pile of letters out from behind her back and beams). I’d prefer it if you all buggered off, I’ve got some reading to catch up on! There are cheers of celebration and hugs as the lights fade to black. Act Two, Scene Seven. It is very early in the morning. George quietly enters the back door and sits at the dining room table. He is holding a piece of paper. For the first time he is wearing trousers, shirt, and tie rather than his usual overalls. A very weary Dorothy walks through from the bedrooms to the kitchen. She’s the first one up and is getting ready for a shift at the munitions factory. At the kitchen door she stops having registered that George is sitting at the table. GEORGE: Hello, Dorothy. DOROTHY: What are you doing here, George? Look at you all dressed up with nowhere to go. (By way of explanation George holds up a piece of paper). What’s that? GEORGE: I passed. I’m on my way, Dorothy. DOROTHY: What? GEORGE: My medical.

71


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

DOROTHY: No you didn’t. GEORGE: I passed. I’m on my way. DOROTHY: (Refusing to believe him) No you didn’t, no, you’re not. (George nods and waves the paper). No, you’re not! GEORGE: (Calmly) I am. DOROTHY: How could you pass the medical? GEORGE: Does it matter? DOROTHY: (Getting angry) How could you pass the medical, George? You’ve got flat feet and various veins. GEORGE: “Varicose” veins. DOROTHY: Yeah, that. So how could you pass?! GEORGE: What does it matter? I’ve got the approval. (He shakes the paper at her). DOROTHY: (Snatching the paper and tearing it up) Not any more you don’t. GEORGE: (Shrugging) I’m on the record as approved Class 1 (Fit for military service). I’m on my way. DOROTHY: You’re a bloody fool! GEORGE: I want to ask you a favour. DOROTHY: I don’t want to talk to you. Get out! GEORGE: Dorothy, please DOROTHY: (Yelling) Get out! Bugger off! Just bugger off, George! GEORGE: Dorothy, please DOROTHY: How could you?! You’re a bloody idiot! How could you do this to me? GEORGE: Do this to you? DOROTHY: I thought you liked me! GEORGE: I do! DOROTHY: Then why are you leaving? GEORGE: I have to. I stay here, I’m a failure! I’m second best. DON: (Entering) What the hell’s going on here? GEORGE: I’m sorry, Mr Mays. It’s my fault ALLISON: (Entering). What’s all the yelling?

72


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

DOROTHY: He’s a bloody idiot! ALLISON: What’s going on? George? GEORGE: I just came to tell Dorothy I’d passed my medical; I’m on my way. (He points to the torn up paper on the table) Got my Class 1. ALLISON: You what? GEORGE: (Nodding) Yeah. I’m on my way. ALLISON: How did you get your Class 1? GEORGE: It doesn’t matter, does it? I’m on my way, I thought you’d be happy for me. DOROTHY: Well, we’re not! ALLISON: Did Mrs Ham have anything to do with this? GEORGE: No. ALLISON: Did she? GEORGE: No. ALLISON: George? GEORGE: No! I passed the medical. I passed it. ALLISON: And Mrs Hams Shell-shock, combined with a medical officer who has a problem with drink, had no part to play in this? GEORGE: No. ALLISON: George?! GEORGE: He may or may not have been influenced by a few snifters of Mrs Ham’s shell shock. But that doesn’t change the fact that I’m recorded as passing the exam. Means to an end that’s all. DOROTHY: You’re a bloody fool. ALLISON: Well, congratulations, George. GEORGE: Thank you. ALLISON: Perhaps you can bring Kenneth home. GEORGE: If I see him, I’ll tell him to post his letters more regularly. ALLISON: I’d appreciate that. DON: Keep your feet dry. Take care of your wounds. Don’t be the last person out of the trench. GEORGE: Thank you, Mr Mayes. Don and George shake hands.

73


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

DON: There’ll be days you’ll do anything to stay alive and days you’ll hope for a quick bullet to the head. Keep your head down. GEORGE: I will. DON: Well, that’s that then. (He ambles off to the kitchen). GEORGE: Can I write to you, Dorothy? While I’m away? DOROTHY: You can do what you bloody like. GEORGE: Will you write to me? DOROTHY: Of course I bloody will. GEORGE: And, (a much more difficult question to ask, his new found strength leaving him) will you wait for me, to come home? DOROTHY: What do you think? GEORGE: I don’t know, I hope so. DOROTHY: Have you seen the men we’re left with? Idiots and yanks. Of course I’ll bloody wait for you. ALLISON: So romantic. GEORGE: (Beaming) That’s corker, that’s really corker. DOROTHY: George. (She plants a big kiss on his cheek). Make sure you come home in one piece. I’ll be needing all of you when you get back. (With a smirk) All of you. GEORGE: (Swallowing nervously) Alright then. A brief pause. DOROTHY: Bugger off then. ALLISON: So romantic. GEORGE: Right, then. (He shakes Allison’s hand) Bye, Allison. I’ll say G’day to Kenneth for you. ALLISON: Bye, George, thanks. JACK: (Appearing at the door and standing to attention) Are you ready sir? ALLISON: Sir? GEORGE: He’s taking this better than I thought. JACK: (Saluting sharply) I’m driving Private George to the camp, Ma’am. Rosey appears at the door. She’s obviously been crying, her make-up has run etc.

74


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

ALLISON: Look at you! Where have you been? ROSEY: Seeing them off. ALLISON: Seeing who off? ROSEY: Robert and Harry. They left this morning. ALLISON: You were out all night?! DOROTHY: Don’t be such a wowser, Allison. Leave her alone. JACK: Anything could have happened. A girl alone with all those Yanks. ALLISON: (Agreeing with him for once) Yes, thank you, Jack. Anything could have happened. ROSEY: Do you think I’m silly? I wasn’t alone and nothing happened. ALLISON: Well something’s happened, you’ve obviously been crying. ROSEY: Well, I was fine, really holding it together until ALLISON: Until what? ROSEY: Until Mrs Ham started crying. ALLISON: Mrs Ham? (Mrs Ham appears at the door looking worse for wear). MRS HAM: I know, pathetic really, but seeing those big strong, handsome boys (she’s starts sobbing) leaving, I just lost myself. (She wails uncontrollably). ALLISON: Oh for goodness sake. (She slaps Mrs Ham) Get yourself together woman! Don comes out with a tray of tea cups. DON: Tea. DOROTHY: Good old tea. Allison’s slap has stopped Mrs Ham’s wailing. MRS HAM: (To Allison) Thank you, dear. ALLISON: Any time, Mrs Ham, any time. Dorothy helps Don hand out the cups of tea. DOROTHY: (Interrupting) Mrs Ham, do you have little of the youknow-what? MRS HAM: (Taking a bottle or hip flask out of her purse) I just happen to have a little, yes. DOROTHY: (Reaching her cup towards Mrs Ham) Well, don’t be shy.

75


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

ROSEY: Not really the shy type, are you, Mrs Ham? MRS HAM: (Pouring a shot of shell shock into everyone’s tea cup) Not really dear, no. ALLISON: Well here’s to the boys away. (Everyone takes a drink). DOROTHY: And those of us here at home. EVERYONE: And those of us here at home! Everyone clinks cups with each other and take a sip of their tea and shell-shock laced tea as the lights fade to black. The End.

76


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

Props List  Mrs Hams box of condoms  George’s army letter  Allison’s mail  Scones  Biscuit/scone tin  Egg beater  Pot plants  Money  Duffle bag for George  George’s gift box for Dorothy  Tea cups, Tea pot, sugar cubes  Tin with sugar cubes  Photo of Don’s WW1 army unit  Don’s spectacles  Air rifle  Dry cleaning receipts  Glasses for shell shock  Towels  Dinner plates and cutlery  Flagons of shell shock (2)  George’s medical certificate  Pen  Dorothy’s employee reference  Flowers  Chocolates  Plastic vase  Indian outfit  Cowboy outfit (x2)  ARP armband SFX    

Car horn Car pulls up Bell for shop Splash 77


© 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

 Gush of water  William Tell Overture

78


Š 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

Other Plays By Devon Williamson My Inlaws are Outlaws Cast: Flexible casting with 4 to 6 female and 2 to 4 male actors. Length: Two Acts (110 minutes) Genre: Comedy Annie discovers her in-laws are outlaws... and her mother in-law has hired a mad group of assassins to kill her! How will Annie, a mild mannered Librarian, outwit the best of the Italian, Russian and Irish contract killers? This is outrageous; laugh out loud comedy at its best. The Old People Are Revolting Cast: 5 Female / 2 Male Length: Two Acts (120 minutes) Genre: Comedy The Old People Are Revolting! is a hilarious comedy about seniors seeking revenge! The residents of the Sunshine Retirement Village have had enough: they're revolting! Fed up with being ignored, and relegated to the sidelines of life they've decided to prove to the world just how dangerous seniors can be! Bursting with eccentric characters and crazy shenanigans the play is great fun to stage and a huge audience pleaser. How To Train Your Husband Cast: 5 Female / 2 Male Length: Two Acts (120 minutes) Genre: Comedy This madcap comedy addresses an issue close to every woman's heart – how to train your husband! Sound impossible? Not when you have a legendary Husband Trainer living right next door. The play follows the adventures of three generations of the Smith family as they attempt to turn their men into fully trained members of the opposite sex. Nothing quite goes according to plan and the result is a hilarious comedy with plenty of unexpected twists and turns. Understanding Women Cast: 3 Male / 1 Female Length: Two Acts (110 minutes) Genre: Comedy Mike, Dave and Julian spend a weekend in a garden shed determined to break an age-old mystery. Armed with a case of beer, a box of girlie magazines and a holy book they are going to "understand women". What they discover is not quite what they expected. Understanding Women is a comedy play for both sexes!

79


Š 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

Crazy Ladies Cast: 5 Female / 1 Male Length: Two Acts (110 minutes) Genre: Comedy Pamela Browne has organized a 25 year reunion for her four best High school friends. From the moment Kay, now a chocoholic gun toting funeral director, arrives the wheels begin falling off Pamela’s meticulously planned weekend. Added to the mix is Sandy, who is now a Nun, Dianne, married the school nerd and a mother of eight sons, Rachel, a runaway teenager on a mission to dig up some dirt on her mother, and Shaun, the greasy motel janitor. This outrageous comedy is a rollercoaster ride of emotion. Menopause Made Me Do It Cast: 5 Female / 1 Male Length: Two Acts (120 minutes) Genre: Comedy It has been ten years since the last reunion of the Crazy Ladies. Menopause has arrived and the ladies are crazier than ever. The mission is to convince Kay, the gun totting tom-boy, to marry Shaun (the guy she once kidnapped and held accountable for the sins of all men). Hilarious... poignant... utterly mad. While this is the second "Crazy Ladies" play, it can be performed with or without a prior production of the original "Crazy Ladies". My Husbands Nuts Cast: 3 Female / 2 Male Length: Two Acts (120 minutes) Genre: Comedy Barbara's husband is missing on the family farm. When Jack finally returns he is a nervous wreck and will not leave the house... he is suffering from Agri-phobia (the fear of agriculture)... and is convinced that he is Hiroo Onoda - a Japanese soldier holding out on an island after world war Two. Barbara's husband is nuts. The only people she can trust with this information is the new vet and the village idiot. How will they restore Jacks mind without the help of the medical profession... or common sense? Lost for Words Cast: 2 Male / 2 Female Length: Two Acts (100 minutes)

80


Š 2013, 2014 Devon Williamson. Over Paid Over Sexed Over Here.

Genre: Comedy For the past 25 years Edwin Miles has been an announcer for Classical Music FM. Ratings have plummeted and his station manager, a heel clicking German, has bought out the local Reggae station to increase market share. Edwin is now working for "Radio Reggae" and sharing a studio with a white guy who is convinced he is Jamaican. Add to the mix a mute receptionist and Lost for Words is a side splitting comedy that will have you rolling in the aisles.

81

Over Paid, Over Sexed, and Over Here (Australian Edition)  

It’s mid 1942 and Australia is at war. As our able bodied men fight overseas a sleepy seaside Aussie town is about to experience an invasion...

Read more
Read more
Similar to
Popular now
Just for you