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Š 2007, 2009 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

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© 2007, 2009 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Menopause Made Me Do It! (Australian Edition) © 2007, 2009 Devon Williamson Do not copy, distribute or perform without permission. All rights reserved. For Australian performance information please contact: David Spicer Productions 274 Military Road Dover Heights NSW 2030 Australia Web: www.davidspicer.com.au Ph: 02 9371 8458 Fax: 02 9371 8458 Information on other plays by Devon Williamson is also available at his website: www.dwplays.com Characters All characters are old school friends in their 50’s. Pamela Browne: An obsessively ordered and organised woman who is constantly on the verge of a stress attack. Dianne Bartlett: Not too smart. The mother of eight adult sons. A “blurter”. Kay Wilkes: Brash, rough around the edges. A gun collecting chocoholic. Rachel Simpkin: Travel writer. Had a teenage pregnancy to Shaun. Sandy: A Minister of the Church. Shaun Phillips: Former high school rugby star. The years have not been good to him. 2


© 2007, 2009 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

About the Play It has been ten years since the last Crazy Ladies reunion. In this time children have grown up and left home (with the exception of Pamela’s child), Sandy’s husband has died and she has become a Minister of a church. Kay has left the funeral business and has been in a relationship. Pamela has joined the “Slow Movement” and Rachel is a travel writer. Dianne is now in a wheel chair. The wheelchair is complete with mirrors and a fire extinguisher. While this is the second of the “Crazy Ladies” plays it can be played independent of the first play. ACT ONE SCENE ONE In this scene Sandy is dressed as a Minister of a church complete with dog collar. Dianne arrives in a wheel chair (complete with a wheelie suitcase in tow), she is wearing a bike helmet that is adorned with hand-crafts Rachel is wearing ethnic style clothing as she is now a world traveller Kay is in her army fatigues. Pamela is wearing smart, comfortable clothes and plenty of make-up. Lights come up to reveal a motel room complete with kitchenette, small dining table and chairs, lounge suite and coffee table. The entrance door is stage left, bedrooms are off to stage right. A cupboard is upstage centre On the kitchen table sits five gift baskets. There is knock at the door. Pamela looks into the room and enters with large suitcase in tow. Pamela: (Calmly) Knock, knock! (She looks briefly around the motel, checks out her gift basket, takes her bag and her basket off stage into a bedroom. Enters again, sits down on the couch to wait for the others to arrive. As she waits she becomes more and more restless. She is uncomfortable and moves to a dining room chair. No better. She moves to another couch seat. Tries to get comfortable. No luck. Lays down on the couch. Squirms to get comfortable. Stands. Takes a couple of deep sweeping breaths. Looks around. Sits on the edge of the sofa. Stands back up and begins some Tai Chi movements. Stops. Wanders aimlessly around the motel room. Finally she takes a Dictaphone from her handbag and begins talking into it... Pamela: She arrived early, perhaps too early, there was the smell of intrigue in the air... no, that's not right... there was the stench of loneliness pervading every 3


Š 2007, 2009 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

nook and cranny of the room... room? Dwelling. Unit. Nook and cranny of the unit. The tiny units nook-lets and cranny-lets. Note; check dictionary for "nook-let" and "cranny-let". Thesaurus "room". Kay: (Entering) Hey Pam! Pamela: (Hiding Dictaphone). Kay! Kay reaches out to shake her hand. Pamela: (Calmly) Give me a hug! Kay: (Surprised) You betcha. (Gives Pamela a big bear hug and slap on the shoulder). Who were you talking to? Pamela: No one. I was... singing... a song... to myself... alone. Kay: Singing? Alright. So how the hell are ya? Pamela: (Takes a deep breath with sweeping gesture) Centred, calm and cool. How are you? Kay: Bloody shagged. Drove all day. Anyone else here? (Pamela shakes her head) Been here long? Pamela: Not really. Arrived a little early, just been (hand gesture) "chillin' out" waiting for the gal’s to get here. Kay: Chillin'? You go girl-friend. What's this? Pamela: Gift baskets. Kay: No bull. Nice, (looks at the baskets, pulls out a bottle of gin from one) that's gotta be Sandy's... (picks up her one) this is me. (Slaps Pamela on the shoulder and goes to a bedroom) You think of everything babe. Pamela: Actually I Kay: (From off stage) You're a doll. No excuses! Sandy: (From off stage) Knock, knock! (She enters pushing Dianne in a wheel chair) Hello! Pamela: Dianne! What happened? Sandy: I found her going in circles in the car park. Dianne: I think I have a flat tyre. Sandy: Car park's on a slope, gravity was working against you. Kay: (Entering) Yes, "Holy Mother" (bows to Sandy), gravity is working against us all. You should see my boobs. Golf balls in socks. (Does a bouncing cupped hand gesture). Pamela: Lovely. Thanks for that visual. 4


Š 2007, 2009 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Kay: (Pointing to Pamela's chest). Fried eggs. Pamela: Sorry? Kay: At our age it is either (hand gesture) golf balls in socks or fried eggs. Dianne: (Looking at her chest) Pretty big golf balls. Kay: In your case "Bowling balls" babe. Sandy: That's it. I'm nippling this one in the bud. What's this, gift baskets? Pamela: (Happy for the change in subject) This is yours. Dianne: Are you still an alcoholic Sandy? Pamela: Dianne! Kay: Speak it like it is Dianne. Don't hold anything back. Sandy: Thank you Dianne. I very rarely drink now, actually. Kay: Oh yeah? I've heard about the clergy hitting the bottle. When was your last one? Sandy: (Too quickly to be normal) June 15th, 10.56am. (There is a stunned silence) Fell over and broke my watch. Pamela: Well, come on in ladies, make yourselves at home. Bedrooms through there. Sandy: (As she wheels Dianne into bedroom) Rachel coming? Wasn't she in Asia? Kay: Africa. I think she's coming. Pamela? Pamela: I assume so. I thought she was in South America. Kay: She didn't get back to you? Pamela: About what? Kay: Her coming. Pamela: No, why should she? Kay: She's invited right? We're all invited... the "Crazy Ladies"... that's what it said. The invite. Pamela: Oh yes we were all invited. Kay: Cool. That was weird. Let's try that again shall we? Is Rachel coming? Now you say: "Yes". Pamela: It's just that Kay: Is Rachel coming? You say... Pamela: Yes. But 5


Š 2007, 2009 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Kay: (To Sandy off stage) Rachel's coming. Sandy: (Coming back on) Great! (Sounds of motor bike pulling up outside, Pamela goes to the door and looks out). Kay: Don't tell me that is Rachel. Pamela: OK. Kay: Who is it? Pamela: Can't tell. Kay: Can't tell coz you can't tell or can't tell because you can't tell? Sandy: (With a grin) No, she can't tell because she can't tell. Isn't that right Pam. Because if you could tell then you would tell... Pamela: Of course. It is just that I can't tell so I Sandy and Pamela: Can't tell! (They "high five"). Kay: We wait ten years for a reunion and you turn into a couple of smart asses. (Admiring) Good work. So are you going to tell me if it is Rachel or not? Pamela: It is Rachel. Sandy: But can you believe her? Rachel: (Rachel entering) Believe what? (Hugs and greetings all around). Where's Dianne? Kay: Brocky's in the bedroom. Rachel: Brocky? Kay: (Pointing to doorway where Dianne is entering from in her wheel chair) Peter Brock, God rest his soul. Brrrrrm, brrrrrm. Dianne: Rachel! Rachel: Dianne, what has happened to you? (She hugs Dianne over her wheel chair). Dianne: (Cheerily) Oh I'm fine, don't worry about me. Pamela: So here we are! Crazy Ladies ten year reunion. (In novelist mode) "While individual members of the group had caught up since the last Crazy Ladies reunion, events had conspired against a complete gathering until now. Was this an omen of something terrifying to come or... (she notices everyone looking at her)... or just great. It's just really, really great to see you all. Kay: Thanks Stephen King. 6


© 2007, 2009 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Sandy: Thanks Pamela. Rachel: This is a great idea. We said we wouldn't leave it this long... but better late than never. Dianne: (To Kay) Promise me this time you are not going to kidnap the cleaner Sandy: And strut about with a gun. Pamela: Fake gun. Kay: Hey, let bygones be bygones. Besides, you enjoyed every minute of it. Pamela: (Unconvinced) Yes. Perhaps it is best that we only get together every ten years. Rachel: You still seeing Romeo? Kay: Nah, it's "all-over-red-rover". I really loved that Knuckle-head He'd do cute things like get full size poster girls and swap their heads for mine. Sandy: Sounds like a real charmer. Kay: We had something special. He knew how to love me... and that's not easy to work out. Rachel: I'm sorry to hear that it didn't work out. You deserve a good man. Kay: Yeah, I thought I was actually going to be lucky with this one. I'm a relational screw-up. Dianne: Menopause can really get in the way of sexual freedom. Trust me. And I'm shaving now. Terrible wind too. Pamela: What has that got to do with anything? Sandy: Don't engage her on this. Kay: Menopause is great. I love it that my friends are menopausal... it's like everyone is finally seeing the world the way I do. A war zone. And no matter what whacked out thing I do, I can always plead “It's not my fault. Menopause made me do it”. Sandy: Well if want to talk about the breakup, I'm sworn to secrecy. Part of the job. Kay: I'm fine Mother Teresa. It wasn't going to work out anyway, so I popped a cap inDianne: Oh my gosh, you killed him! Kay: -in the relationship. I killed the relationship. All over, don't want to talk about it. What are you doing on a motorbike?

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Š 2007, 2009 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Rachel: (Rolling her eyes) My darling daughter needed some fast cash so I bought half shares in it. When I'm home it's mine and when I'm away it's hers. Works out great for me. Not so great for her... which increases my enjoyment in the arrangement! Sandy: So Pam, what's on the agenda? Others: Yeah! Pamela: What agenda? Sandy: Come on now Pam, you have a schedule. Pamela: I don't do that stuff any more. Kay: Right. And Dianne is going to win Bathurst this year. Where is it? (Picks up Pamela's handbag and starts rummaging through it). Here we go! (Pulls out a list). What is this then? Pamela: (Indignant) That is not a schedule. Rachel: (Playing along with Kay) So dates, times and tasks doesn't equal schedule? Sandy: Come on girls, give it back to Pamela. Pamela: (Calmly) It is not a schedule. Dianne: Roster. It's a roster! Pamela: NoDianne: It's an itinerary! Pamela: No come onDianne: Wait, wait... I know this... it's a programme! It's a programme isn't it? I bet it is. Is it? Pamela: Have you been reading a thesaurus? Dianne: No, I can't tell one dinosaur from another. My boys on the other hand, they could. We had more dinosaur activity in our house than Jurassic park. That's what Stevie said. I was just glad they weren't playing hostage games and tying me up. The neighbours paid a fortune over the years for their kidnapped pets... and kids. Kay: Being tied up is not all bad Dianne. Ya just need the right man. Pamela takes advantage of the distraction and grabs her paper back from Kay. Pamela: Thank you Dianne. Rachel: Kay, promise me you have no plans for tying anyone up this 8


Š 2007, 2009 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

weekend. Kay: (Playing innocent) Who would I tie up? Sandy: (Sarcastic) Oh I don't know. No one comes to mind... oh yes someone does come to mind, actually. The motel cleaner and Rachel's old boyfriend. Ring any bells? Kay: History, ancient history. I haven't tied Shaun Phillips up for Dianne: Ten years since you tied up Shaun Phillips. Kay: Er yeah, it's been ages. Sandy: As menopause messes with us. You'll (Kay) become saner... while the rest of us become downright dangerous. It's not my fault... All: Menopause Made Me Do It! Pamela: (Clapping her hands) Well it's all in the past. There's no schedule so we can do as we like. I suggest we have a glass of wine, sort out the bedrooms, unpack our bags and then make some decisions about dinner. (Meekly) Just a suggestion. Dianne: Wine Bombs! Sandy: Sorry? Dianne: Western Australia Wine Bombs. I'll make wine bombs for us all. My boys showed me how. Rachel: Sounds good to me. What do you need? Pamela: I'm sure wine will be good start (she heads to her bedroom). Kay: I have some too (she exits). Wine bottles appear along with glasses. Rachel: What else do you need? Dianne: It's all here. Right, so we start with one part wine... (she carefully measures it out)... and pour it into a glass... let it sit for 30 seconds... (all wait)... then another part wine... (she carefully measures it out) and pour it into a glass... let it sit for 30 seconds... (all wait)... then another part wine... (she carefully measures it out)... let it sit for 30 seconds... thenSandy: Let me guess "another part wine?". Dianne: Have you made these before? Sandy: No it was just a stab in the dark. Kay: Are we drinking these or not? Rachel: Let it sit for 30 seconds first. 9


Š 2007, 2009 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Sandy: You can't rush these things; right Di? Dianne: That's right. My boys say a good "mixer" is all in the preparation. They had me making these all night at Jordan's 21st. Kay: (Warmly) You're a crackpot Dianne. Pamela: All night? Dianne: Yep. Now who's up for a wine bomb? (Passes them around). Kay: (Toasting) Here's looking up ya kilt (she drains the glass). Others drink, except Sandy. Dianne: Don't you like it Sandy? Sandy: I'm sure your wine bomb is wonderful Dianne. It's just that I never mix my drinks. Dianne: It's pretty powerful stuff too. 50% alcohol. Pamela: (Looking at the wine bottle) What? No, 12%. Dianne: In the bottle its 12% percent. In the glass its 50%... or 48% anyway. Rachel: What are you talking about? Pamela: It can't be more in the glass than it is in the bottle, Silly. Dianne: Pam, I thought of all people, you wouldn't be that thick. (Speaking to the others like they are children) I pour one part of wine into the glass, right? Others: Right. Dianne: And that part is 12% alcohol. Right? Others: Right. Dianne: I let it sit, then pour another part of wine into the glass. Right? Others: Right. Dianne: The alcohol content for that part is what? Pamela: The same, 12%. Dianne: Correct. See where I am going with this? Pamela: (Confused and looking at the others) Err no, actually. Dianne: I pour another part of wine into the glass, twice, right? Pamela: Right. Dianne: And that alcohol content each time is Others: 12% 10


Š 2007, 2009 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Dianne: Correct. There you have it. (Stunned silence). Twelve times four equals? Kay: Got me. Pamela: Forty eight. Dianne: Forty eight percent. Sandy: Brilliant. Rachel: You have to admit there is a certain logic to that. Pamela: I need another drink (she takes Sandy's and empties it in one go). Kay: Better? Pamela: (Takes a deep breath with sweeping gesture) Better. Centred, calm and cool. Everyone looks at Pamela. Kay: OK, I can't let that go twice. What the hell is that? Pamela: Centring, calming and cooling. Kay: Oh that. Well, why didn't you say. Pamela: I'm slowing myself down. Balancing myself. Rachel: You just finished off two W.A. Wine Bombs. Balancing yourself may take a little more effort. Sandy: If you don't slow down gravity is going to work against you too. Kay: Like I say ladies; gravity is not our friend. (Does the golf ball in sock gesture). Pamela, Sandy and Dianne laugh. Rachel: Have I missed something? Dianne: (Pointing to Pamela) Fried eggs, (pointing to Kay) Golf Balls, (pointing to herself) Bowling Balls. Sandy: You don't want to know Rachel, believe me. Rachel: Ignorance is bliss huh? Sandy: Exactly. Rachel: I'm prepared to take your word on this one. (Takes a deep breath with sweeping gesture) Centred, calm and cool. Others laugh. Dianne: (Laughing) Don't! I'll pee myself! Sandy: (Mimicking the sweeping arm gesture and deep breath) So what is 11


Š 2007, 2009 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

that again? Pamela: Slow movement. Dianne: Are you constipated too? Pamela: No! Dianne: Oh I am. Seems like I'm either going when I don't want to, or can't go when I do want to. Pamela: Slow Movement has nothing to do with your bowels Dianne... it is about your soul. Kay: A Constipated soul. That describes my spiritual state too. Pamela: (Ignoring Kay) Slow Movement is about purposely slowing down and taking time to "live" life rather than rush life. I take a moment to get a better perspective on the moment. Sandy: Sounds great. Kay: Tree hugger. Rachel: You still say that. Kay's blanket statements; the one constant in the universe. Kay: It's my contribution to world peace. Pamela: (Ignoring them) It is great. I am a new person. Dianne: And this has nothing to do with constipation? Pamela: No Dianne. Nothing at all. It's about making pro-active choices, relational, soul choices across the complete spectrum of our being. Choosing the path of creativity over functionality. Inspiration rather thanKay: (Interrupting) Constipation. Right. And all this means what, in one of earth’s languages? Pamela: Like this for example...(holds out hands) cell phones please. Come on. Pass me your cell phones. (All pass cell phones to Pamela with various state of enthusiasm). Instead of being in touch with the world we choose to be out of touch with the world. We define the boundaries we live in. Rachel: OK, I get it. Hand it back now. Pamela: Nope. Rachel: (A little panicky) I'm not kidding, pass that back. Pamela: No sorry ladies. We are slowing down. (All protest about their phones). Sandy: Ladies! Please! Maybe Pam's right. I don't need my phone. I can go a 12


Š 2007, 2009 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

few hours without contact with the outside world. (Challenging Rachel, Dianne and Kay). Can't you? Rachel: (Reluctantly) Yeah I guess I can. Sandy: Dianne? Dianne: What if my boys need me? Pamela: They will just have to wait till you are ready for them to contact you. Dianne: Yeah. Screw 'em! Pamela: Nice. Sandy: We've been with Kay ten minutes and already we are starting to speak like her. Kay? Kay: Sure, I don't care. I was only protesting because you lot were. Pamela: Well done ladies. (She starts to exit). Rachel: Where are you going? Pamela: Motel reception. I'll put them in the safe. Rachel: Just leave them here. We won't answer them if they ring. Pamela: This way there is no cheating. (She exits). Rachel: Hey! Come back! Kay: Anyone else buy that crap? Sandy: Leave her alone... heaven knows she needs to learn to relax. Rachel: My phone is the one thing I take with me everywhere. My constant cellular companion. Kay: So how was Africa? Rachel: Amazing. Exhausting. Dirty. Colourful. It's a mess. But what a mess. We got some great stuff. It's going to be a great edition. The photos are incredible. Sandy: It looks heart breaking on TV. Rachel: It can be... but there is so much more than just the humanitarian disasters. Listen to me I sound more like a reporter than a travel writer. (With a quick look to the door). Hey, Pamela's writing a book! All gather round Rachel. Sandy: No! Really? Actually that makes sense. Kay: What is it? "My life in a list"? Sandy: "When schedules go bump in the night"? 13


© 2007, 2009 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Dianne: "Sex by numbers"? Rachel: It's a thriller and it actually sounds pretty good. She sent me the prologue for some feedback. As if I would know. I don't write anything like that. Sandy: I guess as "one writer to another". Rachel: I suppose. Kay: So what happens? Give us the plot. Rachel: I have it in my bag. (Goes to her room) She emailed it to me when I was in Argentina. Kay: I hope there's car chases and shoot outs. Dianne: (Points to herself) And sex. (Beat, points to Sandy) And a brewery. Rachel: (Returning) OK here we go. (Glances out window). Kay, let me know when she's coming. Sandy: Do you think we should ask her first? Kay: What if she says no? Dianne: Better to ask forgiveness than permission. Rachel: She didn't say I couldn't share it with anyone. Kay: Get on with it... the suspense is killing me. Rachel: OK. Here we go... "The Place Death goes to Die". Note: An alternative to Rachel reading the entire chapter is that Kay, Dianne, and Sandy each snatch the page from one another and read a paragraph. Winfordshire, 1952 Elsie Battenford clambered up the stone steps to her front door, the moonlight guiding her way. Intoxication had blurred her vision, as is the wont of alcohol. She tripped on the third step and let out a hushed obscenity, not wanting to disturb the neighbours. Mr. Battenford, Roger, was away for the week at a fishmonger’s conference in London. Elsie got quite lonely without him. She was not as young as she used to be, so affairs were right out of the question, especially when you looked like her. She had nothing else to do but head down to the Trapper’s Den and drown her sorrows. As she sat and rubbed her knee she looked up and down the street. You had to be careful in Winfordshire at night. The town had become known for its murders (five or six a year), a reputation it had upheld for more than a 14


© 2007, 2009 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

hundred years. On a tour of England, American poet Walt Whitman had said of Winfordshire: “‘Tis the very place where death, itself, goes to die”. Elsie wasn’t bothered with that sort of thing, though. She had been living in the town all her sixty-one years, and nothing had ever happened to her. Her second cousin had been bludgeoned to death with a typewriter in 1927, but that’s about it. A breeze had picked up now. Elsie wrapped her cardigan tight around her. She struggled to her feet, using the brick exterior of the Battenford residence for support. She managed to stand upright, but it didn’t last for long. A sharp pain in the back of her neck brought her crashing to her knees. She put her arms out in front of her to stop her body hitting the ground. Elsie looked between her legs and saw a dark figure hovering over her. The pain in her neck was relieved, if only slightly, by the extraction of the weapon. The feeling made her cough, and she watched her blood splatter against the stone steps. The dark figure grabbed Elsie by the hips and flipped her onto her back. She recognised her husband’s gutting knife in the figure’s hand. She followed the knife’s path with her eyes, watching the blade as it pierced her stomach. It caused a burning as if the weapon was white hot, a feeling akin to indigestion inflicted by the Devil himself. Elsie screamed. She felt a giant hand around her neck, closing off her airways. With the little feeling she had left in her legs, on account of the severed spinal column, she kicked in the direction of the figure, missing entirely. It was no use. She gave up the fight. After she blacked out, the murderer removed the knife from her belly as you would a fish: straight up the intestinal wall, slicing the rib cage, and pulling sharply out at the creature’s throat. The villain then disappeared, like a shadow in the night, leaving Elsie slumped on the stone steps, choking on the coagulation in her windpipe. Suddenly…* *Thanks to Liam Hagan for the story outline. Used with permission. Kay: Boo! (Everyone screams) Here she comes! Dianne: Oh, I peed myself! (Matter of factly) I'm padded up so it's OK. Sandy: Writing that stuff, Pamela is either a psychopath or menopausal. Others: Menopausal! Rachel: Don't tell her we read this. OK? Sandy and Kay: OK. All: Dianne? Dianne: What? Sandy: Not a word about this OK? 15


Š 2007, 2009 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Dianne: Absolutely. Not a word. Rachel: Good. Thanks. Kay: Shh, here she comes. Pamela enters. There is an uncomfortable silence. Dianne: Your book sounds great! Rachel, Kay and Sandy: Dianne! Pamela: What? Dianne: Oh sorry, I forgot. Pamela: Rachel, what did you tell them? Rachel: I just mentioned that you were writing a book. Sandy: It sounds great. Kay: The "Place death goes to die". Menopause has made you my kind of girl! I can't wait for the movie. Dianne: Her husbands gutting knife twisting in her stomach! Sandy: "...feeling akin to indigestion inflicted by the Devil himself". Rachel: I kinda went into some detail. (She hold up the prologue). Hope you're not mad with me. Kay: Pam's not mad, shes calm, kooky and centred. Aren't ya Pam? Sandy: It sounds great. Dianne: My boys would love it. Rachel: Two thumbs up from the Crazy Ladies. Pamela: That's fine. Good. It's good. It's great! Rachel: When do I get my phone back? Pamela: Tomorrow. Rachel: (Failing to hide a sense of panic) Tomorrow? Cool, that's fine. (Beat) What time? Kay: (Pretending to go into a trance) Deep breaths... I am calm... I am kooky... I am a tree hugger. Sandy: (Slapping Kay on the shoulder) I think you are doing really well with your new attitude to life Pam. We could probably all benefit from taking a look at our lives. And I for one appreciate you organising this reunion. Dianne: Me too. Rachel: Yeah. 16


Š 2007, 2009 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Kay: Ditto. Pamela: What? Sandy: Well done. You're doing great. Kay: For a cell-phone-stealing-tree-hugging-kooky-scheduler you're number one. Pamela: I didn't organise this weekend. Did you see the typo's in the invite? Sandy: I thought that was odd. Dianne? Dianne: Guilty as charged. I can't spell for nuts. Kay: You organised this? Pamela: Yes it was Dianne. Others: Of course, well done Dianne, etc. Dianne: Thanks. Yeah. No it wasn't me. (Everyone is looking at each other). Kay: It was me. Others: Of course, well done Kay, etc. Kay: Kidding! Come on. Pamela: Wait a minute. If it wasn't me, Dianne, Kay it was either Rachel orRachel: It was Sandy. Sandy: No, it wasn't me. Rachel: Well it wasn't me. I was overseas when I got the invitation. Others: What?! Pamela: (Trying to stay calm) This is a little weird. Kay: Come on, who was it? (Everyone is looking at each other... a silence falls). Dianne: I'll call Steve. He's works in E.T. Kay: Extra Terrestrial? I think you mean I.T. Dianne: What? No. He'll tell us who the email invitation was from. (She picks up the phone, puts it to her ear, there is no dial tone, she passes it to Sandy). Sandy: What number do we dial to get out? Pamela: (Joining her) Nine. (They try it. No dial tone). Try One. (They try it. No dial tone). 17


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Kay: Gimme that. (She takes the phone). There's no dial tone. The phones dead. Use my cell. (Checks her pockets). Rachel: (Going to the door) They're at reception. I'll get mine. (She tries the door) Pam, you've locked the door. Pass me the key. Pam: (Passing her the key). There's no key hole. Rachel: Of course there's a... there's no key hole. Pam: (Trying the door handle) We're locked in. Kay: With no phone. Rachel: (Accusingly to Pamela) With no phones. Pamela: This wasn't me! Sandy: OK. What's going on? Kay? Kay: What? You're blaming me?! There must be a window we can get out. (Pulls curtain back to reveal a window with panes too small to get through). What the? Dianne: I don't like this. Locked in, no phones. Sandy: And who invited us here? Shaun: (Spooky voice over speakers). Hello Ladies. All scream, Dianne clutches herself, the lights flicker. Shaun: (Spooky voice over speakers). Hello Ladies. There is no way out. (The microphone is banged and voice is now normal). How's that? Better. As I was saying ladies, there is no way out. So please sit down and relax. Kay: It's Shaun! Sandy, Rachel and Dianne: Shaun?! Pamela: Relax?!!! Dianne: I've peed myself! Shaun: Ladies please, keep calm. Kay: Shaun, I am going to kill you! Sandy: No one is going to kill anyone. Shaun can you hear me? (There is a pause). Shaun: Yes. Rachel: (In a whisper to the others) The place is bugged. Dianne: Turn on the radio! Others: What? 18


© 2007, 2009 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Dianne: They do that on movies. Sandy: What kind of idiot kidnaps five menopausal women? This can only end badly for him. (As a news reporter) “Five women killed and ate a man today. They said Menopause made them do it”. Rachel: Girls, if he can hear us, he may be able to see us. Kay: Shaun I am definitely going to kill you! Sandy: (Looking at the situation and shaking her head) He's dead. Pamela: Shaun can you see us? (As novelist) "The question hung in the air like a balloon of anxious emotional strain". Sorry. Sandy: Shaun, can you see us? (There is a pause) Shaun: Yes. Kay: Bloody pervert! Dianne: We're going to die! Sandy: Dianne please. Let's just think this through. We're been lured to a motel room, locked in and without communication with the outside worldRachel: (Pointedly) Thank you Pam! Pamela: Sorry. Sandy: -our captor is speaking to us and he can see us. All this can only mean one thing. Dianne: We're going to die! Sandy: No, he wants something. Dianne: Revenge! Pamela: Most people are killed by someone they know. (Sheepish) Research for my book. Dianne: "Her husbands gutting knife twisting in her stomach!". Kay: Just wait till I get my hands on you Shaun! Sandy: Ladies please! Let's just find out what he wants. Kay: What are you talking about? I say we take out his eyes. After that we'll see if we can find the camera he's using. The ladies start looking around for the camera. Shaun: Ladies, I bought you here Dianne: (Interrupting) To the place where death goes to die! 19


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Sandy: Please Dianne! Pamela: Find the camera. Kay: You are "dead meat" Shaun! Shaun: Kay please. I need to explainDianne: We're going to die! Kay: (Pulls open cupboard door revealing Shaun with a microphone). Gotcha! Shaun: Please, honey. Kay punches him and he slumps to the floor. Others: Kay! Kay: So sue me, I'm menopausal remember. Let's get him tied up (She drags him out of the cupboard unconscious). Rachel give me a hand. Pamela: (Slumping into the couch with her head in her hands) Not this again. (She starts rocking back and forth repeating "Calm, centred and cool" over and over). Rachel: I don't believe this (she helps Kay tie him up with a power cord from the cupboard). Dianne: Is he dead? Kay: Not yet! Rachel: No Dianne he is just out cold. Sandy: (Looking in cupboard) There's a hole cut through to outside. That's how he got in. There's no camera. He was peering through the key hole. Pamela: Every time we get together this happens. (Continues with her rocking and mantra "Centred, calm and cool"). Sandy: Kay. Kay: Yeah? Sandy: Did he call you "honey?". Kay: No. Pamela: (Suddenly looking up) Yes he did. Rachel: That's right, he did. Kay: Nah. Rachel: When you opened the door. Sandy: 'Honey?" 20


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Kay: So what? He's a slime ball. Rachel: "Honey". He said that. Dianne: You've been sleeping with the enemy! Sandy: Dianne please! Where do you get this stuff from? Shaun: (Starting to come to and looking around) Where am I? Kay: The place death goes to die! Kay raises her fist to punch him again, Sandy and Rachel stop her. Shaun: (Cowering) Honey please. Let me explain! Rachel, Dianne and Sandy: "Honey?" Kay: (Lunging at him and caught by the ladies) I’ll "explain" you! I'll give you "explain". Sandy: Hold her back girls. I'm getting to the bottom of this. Other ladies hold Kay back. Shaun: I love you! Ladies (except Kay): Love? Shaun: I can explain! Sandy: Alright you've got 30 seconds to explain before we unleash Kay onto you. Pamela: Use point form, you'll get through the details quicker. (Sheepish to others) Or just a numbered list would be fine. Rachel: Come on Shaun, spit it out. Kay: Don't listen to a word he says. Sandy: Kay please! I want to hear this. Dianne can you shut her up? Dianne: Leave this to me. (She wraps Kay in her considerable bosom). Rachel: 30 seconds before we let Kay go (in American accent) “Iraq all over your ass”. (Beat) I've always wanted to say that. Pamela: (Whispering to Shaun) Point form. Sandy: Why have you lured us here? Shaun: I wanted to convince you ladies to convince Kay to marry me. (Stunned silence). Pamela: Well that was unexpected. Dianne: You wanted to convince us to convince Kay - I'm lost. What? 21


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Rachel: You want to marry Kay? Sandy: Why would you want to do that? Kay: Don't make that sound like it's a crime! Pamela: Let me summarise this. (She counts the points off on her fingers) One: You love Kay. Two: you want to marry her. Three: you lure us here. Four: to convince us. Five: to convince her. Six: to marry you? Dianne: Seven: To kill us with a gutting knife! Kay: He's not capable of violence Dianne. Look at him. Rachel: This doesn't make any sense! Sandy: Or does it Kay? Rachel: (Suddenly dawning) Was your "Romeo" Shaun? Shaun: (Pleading) Tell them Honey. Rachel: Kay? Kay: Yes alright, we were going together for a short period. Shaun: Five years. Others: Five years! Pamela: So that's why no one here ever met your "Romeo". Dianne: I told everyone you were a lesbian. Kay: Thanks babe. It would have been less complicated. Look Rachel, with your history with Shaun. Dianne: (In a loud whisper to Rachel) She's talking about how he got you pregnant at High School. Rachel: (Rolling her eyes) Thanks Di. Dianne gives Rachel the two thumbs up. Sandy: There is a story here that needs telling. Pamela: Dianne, we're going to need another round of wine bombs. Dianne: Great! (She gets busy). Rachel: So which of you is going to tell it? Kay: I'm outa here! (She goes to door, it is locked, then exits through the hole in the back of the cupboard). Ladies: Shaun? Shaun: It all started at your first reunion, ten years ago... Kay had tracked me down22


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Dianne: And kidnapped you as revenge for getting Rachel pregnant at High School and ruining her life! Rachel: Do you have to keep mentioning that? Dianne: Sorry. Shaun: I woke up tied to a chair with Kay holding a gun to my head. I had never experienced so much fear... and it excited me! I knew this was the woman for me. Pamela: If you want a relationship based on fear you've got the right gal. Sandy: So you and Kay were together for five years? Shaun: Yeah, true loveRachel: Oh please! Shaun: I know it will hard for you to come to terms with our relationship, but I have to convince you that Kay and I are right for each other. Sandy: Sounds like you have to convince Kay. Shaun: That's what I have been trying to tell you! Pamela: Take it easy or we'll get Kay back to pop a cap in ya. Rachel: Please don't you start. Let me get this right. You and Kay were together for 5 years but now you're not and you want her to marry you. Sounds like she's not interested Shaun... get over it and move on. Shaun: But the only reason we split up is because I asked her to marry me. Dianne: It doesn't get any clearer does it? Pamela: She left you because you wanted to marry her? Isn't it usually the other way around? Shaun: After the terrible run she had with her other marriages; she said wasn't going to go there again... and took off. I haven't seen her for six months. Kay had no idea I had applied for the managers job here, otherwise she would never have come. Pamela: Ladies, huddle 'round. (They move away from Shaun and talk in hushed voices). Rachel: I don't buy it. Pamela: That's what makes me believe it's true. Could you come up with that stuff? Dianne: Kay is the only person I know who could make that whole story sound possible. 23


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Rachel: Maybe you're right. This is Kay we're talking about. Sandy: Well this sounds like fun to me. Pamela: Fun? Rachel: What is fun about this? Sandy: Don't you see why he's here? Dianne: To kill us? Sandy: Di I am going to give you a piece of advice. Dianne: What? Sandy: Stop watching movies with your sons. Dianne: OK. Rachel: Explain to me how this is fun. Pamela: Yeah. Sandy: He's here because he needs us to convince Kay to marry him. He is a man in desperate need of Crazy Lady approval. Rachel: What about Kay? Pamela: Kay is a big girl, she can look after herself. I agree with Sandy; this could be fun. Dianne: Sounds like we're going to need a gun and big roll of carpet. Pamela: No it doesn't. There is no killing Dianne. Stop with all the killing. Sandy: Let's have a wee chat to Shaun. They break out of their huddle. Rachel: So, Shaun, you're here to get us to convince Kay to marry you? Shaun: That's what I have been trying to tell you. Pamela: How do you feel luring us to a motel room, and attempting to kidnapping us, has helped this? Shaun: I can see now it may not have helped. Dianne: It hasn't been that bad. Sandy, Rachel and Pamela: Dianne! Shaun: I needed to find a way to state my case. Pamela: Case? Well, speak to the jury. Court is in session. Shaun: I know she's had a few bad marriages. The guys sounded like real jerks. Pamela: Guy. 24


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Shaun: What? Sandy: There was just one guy. Shaun: She told me she was married three times. Dianne: Yep. Shaun: What? Rachel: Three marriages, same guy. Shaun: Three marriages, same guy? Pamela: Someone needed a "post-it" note on her fridge with "Don't marry that guy again" on it. Sandy: Yeah. Hey, that was a joke! Someone is learning to relax. Pamela: Yes I put a post-it note on the fridge to remind me. Sandy: (Laughing) There you go again. Rachel: (Taking a note off the fridge) Yeah here it is. "Relax, make funny comments". It's got a check box. Pamela: (Taking a pen out of her pocket and checking the box). Done. (A smug feeling washes over her). Shaun: Can we just get back to the three-husbands-in-one. Dianne: It's like a Western Australia Wine Bomb. Kay marries a scumbag, she gets divorced. Kay marries the scum-bag again, she gets divorced. Kay marries the scum-bag again, she gets divorced. Sandy: Nicely said Di. Shaun: But I'm not like the other guys. Dianne: Guy. Shaun: Guy. Rachel: What makes you so different? You can't pull the wool over our eyes, we know your history. Shaun: Ancient History. Kay and I are right for each other. Sandy: We need facts. Dianne: Juicy detail. Pamela: But nothing that will upset our stomachs please. Shaun: I have a list. Pamela: That's one tick. Shaun: (Pulls a list out from pocket). One - Kay likes to express herself through violent acts. Two - That kinda excites me. 25


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Pamela: Forget the tick. Sandy: Keep going. Shaun: OK. C - I know all her posse (points to the ladies). Rachel: Posse? Sandy: He even talks like Kay. Dianne: My husband knows all my friends but he hasn't kidnapped them. Rachel: She's right, you're going to have to do better than that. Shaun: But I know you better than you might think. What did you think of your gift baskets? You liked them right? You thought one of your group had put them together didn't you? Ladies begrudgingly agree. Sandy: You might have got lucky. Shaun: Lucky? Come on. Your basket had Gin, Irish Creme chocolates, a wine guide and a discount card for the Brewers Den. Dianne: He's got you. Shaun: And Dianne what was in yours? Dianne: Cross Stitch Weekly subscription, the Die Hard DVD pack and a tshirt with I Love Poodles on the front. Shaun: And a bonus pack of incontinence pads. Dianne: Thanks for that it was really thoughtful. Shaun: You're welcome. They're the 24 hour ones. Dianne: (Sincerely) How sweet! Pamela: I don't need to know everything. Shaun: (Pointing to Pamela) A Word Find book, a crossword, post-it notes, wallet size calculator, a highlighter pack and a ruler. Pamela: Imperial and Metric. Shaun: Rachel? Rachel: Yeah, alright. Anti-bacterial travel soap, memory card for digital camera, cell phone protector and solar cell phone charger. Pamela: Gather round girls. The ladies all huddle. Dianne: Stevie might have met all my friends but he wouldn't know what hair colour they have let alone what they'd like for a gift. Sandy: She's got a point. 26


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Rachel: So what? He's been snooping on us. Big deal. Sandy: The point is, he has made an effort. Pamela: I think we need to up the ante a little. Dianne: I know how to handle this. I'm going to need a desk lamp, a blind fold, and a gag. Sandy: I don't think we need toRachel: Like you said Sandy, this could be fun. Sandy: Pamela, talk some sense into these two. Pamela: (Taking a post-it note from the fridge) "Live life on the edge". I'll get the desk lamp. Sandy: Let's hope Amnesty International don't get wind of this. I'm not sure Menopause is a universally accepted excuse for torture. (Using a couple of scarves the ladies gag and blindfold a protesting Shaun, the desk lamp is set up for interrogation). Dianne: Get the curtains and turn out the lights. (The room is in darkness. Dianne switches on the desk lamp). Where were you on the night of the 14th? (Shaun tries to answer through the gag). Answer me! (She slaps her hand on the table for effect). Tough guy huh? (She grabbed him by the shirt collar with one hand and shines the light in his face with the other). Sandy: For goodness sake Dianne you've gagged him; how is he supposed to answer you? Dianne: Oh yeah. (She takes the gag off him). Pamela: And what is the point of the lamp if he has a blindfold on? Dianne: Oh right (she takes the blind fold off him). Not so much fun without the gag and blindfold. There is a pause. Sandy: Get the lights Pam. Pamela: Yes. (She flicks the lights back on). Ladies, huddle again. (The ladies huddle). Sandy: Well that was a success. Rachel: It's a fine line between pain and pleasure with Shaun; he probably enjoyed it. Sandy: Five violent, menopausal women? He's in heaven. Dianne: It works on the movies. Pamela: Lets each give him a test. Ask him a question that'll prove whether he really understands Kay or not. 27


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Rachel: And if he gets the answers right? Pamela: Then maybe he is the right man for Kay. Sandy: Sounds fair. Rachel: Don't make it easy on him though. Dianne: Deal. Who's going first? Sandy: Let me try. (Goes over to Shaun). Answer this: There's rugby on TV, All Blacks vs South Africa, but it clashes with McLeod's Daughters (or similar women's soap opera). Kay comes home from a long day at the rifle range. Which programme do you watch? Shaun: Neither. Sandy: What? Shaun: World Federation Wrestling is on Sky at the same time as McLeod's Daughters. Kay likes to watch that. Sandy: Really? That sounds about right. (Going back to huddle) He's a slippery one. Pamela: Let me try. (Goes over to Shaun). Answer this: Where does sex begin? Shaun: The Kitchen. Dianne: Oh yeah, we are always doing it in the kitchen! Shaun: I mean, by me cooking dinner. Steak, medium rare. Mondoro Asti. Chocolate dessert. Two litres of Baileys. Pamela: (Stunned and returning to the huddle) He's good. Rachel: Let me do this. You two are amateurs. It's time for the big guns (Goes to Shaun). You are forbidden to speak all but two words for the rest of your life. What two words do you choose? Shaun: "Yes dear". Rachel: Three words? Shaun: "I love you". Rachel: Four words? Shaun: "I bought you chocolate". Rachel: (Getting frustrated) Five words? Shaun: I bought lots of chocolate. Rachel: (Panicking) Six words. 28


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Shaun: I bought you the chocolate factory. Rachel: (Returns to the huddle angry) He cheated! No man knows that stuff. Sandy: He's a tougher nut than we anticipated. Dianne: My turn. (Goes to Shaun) Where were you on the night of the 14th? Shaun: You mean tonight? Dianne: (Unsettled) Yes. Shaun: I'm here. Dianne: (In a panic and looking back to the other ladies) I think we are in over our heads! Pamela: Maybe he is the right man for Kay. She did say that she loved her "Romeo". Rachel: Oh come on, you don't mean that. Sandy: Let's just think about this... what's the worse that can come of Kay and Shaun getting married? Dianne: She could murder him. (Pause as ladies consider this). Rachel: That would be a risk I'd be prepared to take. Sandy, Dianne and Pamela: Agreed. Dianne: And if he took one step out place my boys could take him out. They've done "hits" before. Pamela: Your sons are Hit Men? Dianne: Not full time. Sandy: We'll keep that in mind Di. Rachel: I adore Kay. She's a psychopath. I have to admit he has more to worry about than she does. Sandy: So we are agreed? Ladies: (Shrugging) Agreed. Sandy: Alright Shaun, we're convinced. Shaun: All right! Pamela: Now all we have to do is convince Kay. Anxious looks all around. Sandy: Keep those wine bombs coming Di. Lights go down.

29


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SCENE TWO (Di is making Western Australia Wine Bombs) Sandy: Ideas? Pamela: The trick will be getting Kay to shut up long enough to reason with her. Rachel: She's like a wild cat when she's backed into a corner. Sandy: (Sagely) So how do you catch a wild cat? Dianne: Napalm. Sandy: A Net. A net Dianne. Dianne: Oh, really? My boysPamela: The criminal activities of your boys does not need to be discussed here. Sandy: In fact, the less we know, the better. Dianne: It's not that hard to make. Rachel: So we have to get Kay back here, and then keep her here long enough to reason with her... using a net... or napalm. Sorry but I left my Butterfly Collectors kit and Junior Scientist set back at home. Shaun: I have a net. In fact it's Kay's net. Rachel: We're not serious Shaun. Sandy: It's not a bad plan. Rachel: You're serious? A net. Pamela: (Taking charge) Right. We're going to need (points to Shaun) Shaun's net, (points to Sandy) a chiming door sensor and (points to Rachel) two dozen Pixie Caramels. Go, go, go! Shaun, Sandy and Rachel rush out the cleaning cupboard exit. Dianne passes a wine bomb to Pamela. Dianne: (Holding up her glass in a toast) Cheers! Pamela: (Toasting Dianne and feeling very happy) Centred, calm and cool! They down their drinks as the lights fade to black. SCENE THREE Pamela is nursing another wine bomb. Throughout the scene Dianne is putting shaving cream on her face and shaving using her wheel chair “wing mirrors” to see. While nothing is spoken about this there are visible 30


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reactions from each of the other characters. Shaun enters through the closet exit with a net... possibly an army camouflage net. Pamela: Good, now put that behind the door so its ready. Sandy: (Calling from cupboard) OK, I'm going to test it. Ready... A door chime sounds. Pamela: Perfect. Come on in Sandy. Sandy enters. Dianne: Where's Rachel? Door chime sounds. Sandy: I hope that's her. Rachel enters through closet with a arm full of Pixie Caramels. Rachel: Here we go. Pamela: Excellent. The motel door quietly opens and Kay's head pokes around it. Everyone has their back to her. She is reaching for her purse/wallet on the bench, she stops and listens to the conversation. Shaun: Thank you, I really appreciateRachel: This isn't for you Shaun. Don't think for a moment this has anything to do with you. Dianne: We don't care about you; Kay is the one we love. Sandy: Well said Dianne. This is all about Kay. You've managed to convince us that you'd make Kay happy. That's all we are interested in. Rachel: That is the dearest psychopath in the world to us. Pamela: Absolutely. Now lets go over this. Sooner or later Kay is going to come back. Dianne: Why? Rachel: Because Dianne there is one thing Kay cannot live without. All: Chocolate! Pamela: And she left her wallet here. So she is going to be back and when she comes we'll be ready for her. Sandy: The door chime will ring as she comes through the cupboard entrance. 31


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Rachel: She'll stop at the chocolate. Shaun: And I'll catch her with this net. Dianne: And then we had better all jump on that wild cat as fast as we can. Kay silently exits. Seconds later we hear the door chime. Sandy: (In a whisper) Here she comes! Pamela: Places! The door cupboard opens and what looks like Kay appears, the net is thrown over and all the women jump on it. There is much noise and commotion. When this finally settles Kay walks through the motel door. She is met by confused and shocked looks. Kay: The great white hunters strike again (She calmly walks over to the pile of Pixie Caramels and takes one). It's like an episode of The Crocodile Hunter. God rest his soul. By the way you might want to go easy on Brian there. Pamela: Brian? (The take the net off Brian - a life size blow up doll). Kay: Kidnap? You guys were going to try to kidnap me? Kidnap me and convince me to marry him? Sandy: It's not what it looks like. Rachel: Actually it is. Pamela: Yeah. Sandy: Yeah, she's right. It is. Dianne: Is there really a cat? Sandy: No Dianne. There is no cat. Dianne: Then what's going on? Rachel: We're trying to catch Kay. Where have you been? Dianne: Well a net was never going to work was it! You're all nuts. Pamela: What's going on Kay? You could do a lot worse than Shaun you know. Kay: I know. Rachel: So what's the problem? Kay: I dunno. Dianne: You love him don't you? Kay: That's not the point. I'm hopeless with marriages. Trust me on this. Shaun: Honey I32


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Rachel: Shut it Shaun, we're dealing with this! (Shaun puts up his hands in surrender and exits with the net). Now Kay, I have to admit I was not particularly excited about Shaun marrying you but we've checked him out and… well, I hate to say it but he checks out. Sandy: You love him. He loves you. What more is there? Dianne: And if it doesn't work out you could kill him. Others: Dianne! Dianne: What? We all agreed on that! Kay: (Impressed) Wow, you've all really thought this through. Rachel: Leave the past in the past Kay. The other guy was a creep. That's ancient history. We have to move on. I had to. So do you. Kay: I love him. I do. But it's complicated. I don't want him to get in the way of our friendship and believe it or not I'm afraid if we did get married I'd ruin it. He bought me a chocolate factory. Can you believe that? A chocolate factory! Rachel: Well is that perfect or what?! Kay: I know. And he has a little Oompa Lumpa outfit he wears for me. Rachel: There's a mental imagine only alcohol can purge. Dianne: He's so right for you. Sandy: And we'll be there for you if you need us. Pamela: At the risk of sounding like a "tree-hugger": What does your heart tell you? Shaun re-enters. Kay shrugs and moves to balcony. Ladies gesture for Shaun to follow. He goes to Kay. As they talk the other ladies inch closer and closer to eves drop. By the end of the conversation they are right behind Shaun and Kay. Shaun: You OK? Kay: I dunno. I don't think I have a heart. Shaun: We have something special. Kay: Had. I broke up with you remember? Shaun: I just remember you saying you never wanted to see, or hear from me, again. Kay: That's how breaking up works, Knuckle-head. Shaun: I figured the door was still open a little way. Kay: How’s that? Shaun: You never said you didn't want to be with me. Just that you weren't going to be with me. There is a difference. Kay: What are you? A lawyer? Shaun: I love you. Kay: Don't say that. Shaun: Do you love me? Kay: Don't ask me that Shaun. 33


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Shaun: Do you love me? Kay: I'm going to hit you. Shaun: You know I find that exciting. (Beat) Do you love me? Kay: Of course I love you Knuckle-head. Shaun: Marry me then. Kay: I'm a big screw-up Shaun. You don't want to marry me. Shaun: You're no screw-up; don't say that. Besides, who I want to marry is my decision. Marry me. Say yes. Other Ladies: Say yes! Kay: (Holding her hands up in surrender) Alright. You win. (Beat) I win. Yes. (She puts him in a headlock and rubs his head with her knuckles). Other ladies: Aaahhh! Sandy: Looks like we're going to have a wedding! Lights go to black. ACT TWO SCENE ONE Lights up. It is the next day. Pamela is reading a magazine at the couch and drinking coffee. Dianne is searching through the fridge and pulling out various items including 1/2 a pumpkin, a large pickle and carrot. Sandy: (Entering) Hungry? Dianne: Oh no, these are for Shaun and Kay. Sandy: They're hungry? Dianne: No silly. (She takes the items out to her room). Sandy: (Watching her go) That woman is a prime target for a repeat alien abduction. Pamela: I just remind myself to not ask her questions. It always makes things less clear than it was when I was confused and sought clarity. Sandy: Was that supposed to have made sense? Pamela: Oh my gosh, she must have infected me. Sandy: Beware of UFOs. Pamela: (Laughing) There's coffee brewed. Sandy: (Getting coffee) I would have thought you'd be a herbal tea drinker these days. 34


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Pamela: I tried. Failed. And decided not to stress out about the stress that the coffee was causing me. Or stress out about the stress that that stress was causing me. (Reflecting) I really am sounding like Dianne. Sandy: Forget it. We're probably all infected by now. Where's Rachel? Pamela: She's gone for a walk. It must be weird for Rachel. I don't know if I could be as gracious as she is. Sandy: Shows how much she cares for Kay. But, yeah, I know what you mean. It can't be easy. (Kay and Shaun enter). Dianne: Right, sit down you two. Everyone else out. (Kay and Shaun sit down together on the couch, others exchange looks and leave). Kay: What is it Di? Dianne: I have been doing a course on pre-marriage counselling. (She picks up the half pumpkin and pickle). Now sex is an important part of marriage. Have you two been engaging in premarital intercourse? Shaun: (Glumly) No. Kay: We've only been going out five years. What do you think I am? A tart? I've got scruples. Shaun: (Glumly) Yeah. Dianne: Well I'm glad to hear that. (Holding up pickle and pumpkin) What do I have here? Shaun: Dinner? Dianne: No. Kay: Pumpkin and a pickle. Dianne: Well yes, but no. (Swaps the pickle for a carrot, and holds it in such way that there is no doubt as to which part of the male anatomy it represents. ) Better? Shaun and Kay: Oh no! Dianne: (Nodding her head) That's right, male and female reproductive organs. Commonly referred to asKay: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You're not going to give us the sex talk are you? Shaun: This should be fun! Kay: (Cuffing Shaun around the back of the head) Get your mind out of the gutter! Dianne: Kay, sex is not to be feared. In fact safe and healthy sex is important 35


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for the marital union. Sex is physical, emotional, spiritual... and recreational. Kay: (Groaning and looking heavenward) What have I done to deserve this? Dianne: Now first we start with the male reproduction organ (holds out the carrot) then we then we take the female organ (Holds up the pumpkin). The male organ is Kay: (Holding her hands over her ears, closing her eyes and singing loudly) La, la, la, la, la, la. Pamela enters as Dianne proceeds to talk (drowned out by Kay) and is about to engage the carrot and pumpkin. Pamela stops in her tracks, horrified. Shaun is watching with a grin on his face, Dianne is looking sagely. Kay stops and peaks out from between her fingers to see if Dianne is finished. There is a stunned silence. Pamela: (Stunned) Please tell me, that I did not just see, what I just saw. Kay: You saw it babe. And my guess is your sex life will never be the same again. Pamela: Oh my gosh. (She puts her head in hands). Kay: Chant it away Pam. Chant it away. Dianne: (With meaning, like a TV chat show host) I think we all learned something here today. Shaun: Can I see that again? Kay and Pam: No! Dianne: (Exchanging the pumpkin and carrot for a can of tomatoes and boiled egg). There are other methods that can also bring pleasure to both husband and wife, think of these items asPam: (Pushing Dianne's wheelchair) Off you go! (She pushes her out the front door). Let's get you some fresh air. Dianne: But I haven't finished the session. Pamela: (Shutting the door and calling out) Yes you have! Kay: (To Pamela) We never speak of this again. Pamela: Agreed. Sandy: (Entering from front door pushing Dianne) Why was Dianne out there with a can of tomatoes and a boiled egg? Pamela: (Putting pumpkin and carrot into the rubbish bin) No. Not telling. Don't ask. Shaun: When are we going to married? Kay: Now look what she's done to Shaun. Sandy: We could do it this weekend. I am licensed. Shaun: Great! Kay: Get your mind off the pumpkin! Pamela: Why not? (She takes a post-it note from the fridge and reads it aloud). "When a decisions made, leap into action!" 36


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Sandy: Up to you. Kay: I dunno. I'm not the impulsive type. Pamela: Actually you are. Sandy: You don't have to pay the minister. Kay: What'll I tell our families? Pamela: Tell them Menopause made you do it. (Beat) And it was cheap. Kay: Well... I do like the price. Sandy: And your bridesmaids are all here. Kay: All right then! Why not! It's cheap. (Sheepishly) Oh yeah, and you're all here. That's good too. Sandy: Great! Kay: I'll go tell Rachel. Sandy: No, leave her to me. Pamela: So we're planning a wedding? Looks like I'll have to come out of retirement. I need paper, pens, my highlighter and the volume of The Complete Works of Shakespeare. I’m making a (pauses for effect) list. Oh that felt good. One more time. I'm making a list (she shivers with excitement). Numbered, bulleted, and with little check boxes. Ladies, I am in heaven. Rachel: (Entering) What's all the excitement? Kay: Pamela is getting jiggy with a list. Dianne: Right, lets all leave so Sandy can talk to Rachel. Others groan. Rachel: Huh? Dianne: (In a loud whisper) About Sandy marrying Kay and Shaun this weekend and how that might make you feel. Pamela: Subtle as ever Di. Come on you lot we have a lot to get done. Shaun: I'm getting some fresh air. (He moves towards the door, stops at the rubbish bin and takes out the pumpkin and carrot, he has a naughty look on his face as he exits). Pamela ushers everyone out leaving Rachel and Sandy alone. There is an uncomfortable silence. Sandy: Hi. Rachel: Hi. Sandy: There are no secrets with Dianne. You'd think we would learn. How are you doing? Rachel: Oh I'm fine. Sandy: Liar. Rachel: I thought I was over this whole Shaun thing. Honestly. I am happy for Kay. Sandy: Of course you are. It's easy to move on when you're not faced with the thing you're moving on from. I haven't had a drink for months. Don't worry I 37


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won't do the whole "months, weeks, days" thing I promise! Rachel: But you could? Sandy: Sure could. At the supermarket I can avoid the wine aisle. None in my house of course. But coming here has been tough. Rachel: Dianne's Western Australia Wine Bombs haven't been helping huh? Sandy: Nope. But I've been real good. And so have you. You're doing well. Rachel: And they're getting married this weekend? What's that all about? Sandy: No time like the present I suppose. And Kay doesn't have to pay for the minister. You going to be OK with this? Rachel: I'll do you a deal. I'll handle this if you stay off the wine bombs. Sandy: Deal. Rachel: Deal. (They hug). What made you give it up? Sandy: Nothing much. Just told my congregation to “go to hell”. Rachel: (Looking at her sideways) No you didn't. (There is a pause) Did you?! Sandy: Sunday morning. From the pulpit. I was having a bit of a personal crisis over the anniversary of Dave's passing and thought a couple of drinks might sort out the hangover from the night before. Which was fine because "I don't have a drinking problem". Had a little too much and finished my sermon with the wonderful closing lines "If you're not prepared to be tolerant of others you can just go to hell". Then tripped down the steps leading off the stage. (Shows her watch) 10.56am. Rachel: Did you lose your job? Sandy: (Shaking her head) If there is one thing that congregation has learned it's tolerance. Forgiveness can be very, very humbling... or is that humiliating? Rachel: I can't believe that really happened. Whatever you do, don't tell Dianne. You'll never hear the end of it. Sandy: Honey, with a nickname around town of the “Rev. Brandy Sandy”, I have little to lose. Rachel: I suppose so. Sandy: Kay has a chance of happiness with a bloke she loves. I had that once. I'd hate to see her miss out. Rachel: Yeah. You're right. As a famous saint once said: "If you're not prepared to be tolerant, you can just go to hell". Sandy: Exactly! Rachel: Lets see how Pam's lists are going. They both give one of Pam's excited shivers, laugh. Sandy: Come out, come out, wherever you are. The others enter from the bedroom. Pamela: (Holding up a long handwritten list) We're done too. Sandy: (Reading the list) You are a machine. 38


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Kay: As long as she uses her powers for good and not evil we are all safe. Pamela: Rachel, Kay wants you to give her away. Kay: What do you say? Rachel: Of course I will. Dianne: What do we do now? Sandy: Two things missing. Wedding dress and stag party. Kay: Wedding dress? Pamela: Of course! OK, let me think. I'm going to need a sewing machine and directions to the nearest army surplus store. Dianne: Leave the stag party to me. Pamela: Come on, let's go! Ladies exit, lights out. In the blackout we hear wild party noises. SCENE TWO Lights come up. Shaun is pushed through the front door in a tutu followed by Pamela, Dianne, and Kay in black men's suits with bowler hats and fake moustaches, noses and glasses. Shaun has a ball and chain around his ankle. With the exception of Sandy the ladies are in various states of drunkenness. Dianne: (Quite drunk) Where's the stripper? Here's the stripper! (She starts a strip routine in her wheelchair). Others: Dianne stop! etc etc. Dianne: (Indignantly) That's a once in a lifetime opportunity you just missed. Sandy: Thank the good Lord for that. Dianne: Shaun, time to sow your wild oats one last time. Shaun and Kay: What?! Dianne: Figuratively speaking. You need to kiss a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. Shaun: Where? Dianne: On the cheek is fine. Shaun: No, I mean where are the women? Dianne: Oh, here of course. Doubtful looks from the women. Kay: Start with me. Shaun: Alright! 39


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Shaun approaches Kay, she slaps him on the face. Rachel: I'm next! Sandy: I'm the redhead! Use your imagination. Shaun: (Rubbing his cheek) Maybe there is another game. Dianne: There's a box in my room for the next game can you help me with it? The ladies go to sort out the box leaving Sandy and Shaun. Shaun wanders out to the balcony, Sandy gets a glass of water and follows him. Sandy: How are you enjoying your stag party? Shaun: It's fun... actually it's a little odd. You guys don't do anything the "normal" way do you? Sandy: It's just when we get together. Usually we are normal people. Something in the chemistry between us all brings out the “crazy lady”. Been that way since school. No changing it now. It is fun. At least for us. Shaun: You're lucky. All of you, to have each other. Sandy: I guess we are. And you're getting married to Kay. Shaun: Yep. Thanks to you all. Sandy: You're sure about this? Marriage is not to be taken lightly. And marriage to Kay even more so. Shaun: As well as you ladies know Kay, I think there are some ways I know her better. Or at least differently. Yeah, I'm sure about this. Sandy: Good. I had to check... part of the job. And you know that if you screw up, we will destroy you. Shaun: (Nervously) Yeah. I have never doubted that. (The others return from the bedroom with the box). Rachel: Here we are! Dianne: Shaun, can I ask you something? Pamela: If you know what's good for you say no. Shaun: What is she going to ask me? Pamela: I have no idea but with Dianne it can only be bad. Shaun: Sure Dianne, why not. Pamela: Don't say you weren't warned. Dianne: It's just that you used to be so cool. I remember you as a real stud in the 1st 15 at school. But look at you! I mean gross! The years have not been good to you. Rachel: There it is. The pain that can only be inflicted by the violently honest. Kay: Hey this is the Knuckle-head I love! Dianne: I know but look at you. It's obviously not an issue. Shaun: Ouch! Kay: I sense you are trying to say something Di. How about you just spit it 40


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out. Dianne: Nope. Just wondering how the high school stud could turn into you is all. Sandy: Well isn't this lovely? Shaun: I broke my leg the summer I left school. Couldn't play again. All I had was rugby... and then I didn't even have that. Dianne: From stud to spud huh? Shaun: Something like that, yeah. Pamela: See? I warned you. Kay: But you're doing great now. Motel manager. Part owner in my chocolate factory. And you're marrying me. How's that for success? Sandy: Exactly. If only Richard Branson had made his move earlier. Kay: He tried but I couldn't cope with a guy who smiled that much. It's unnatural. Rachel: Are we having a stag party or not? Sandy: (In a male voice) Come on lads lets give Shaun a send off he won't forget! Women all agree and make male grunting sounds. Rachel: (Pulling out a bottle of scotch) Or a send off she won't remember! Sandy: Actually, count me out. Pamela: (Rubbing her head) Me too. Kay: And count Shaun out, I need him in working condition tomorrow. Shaun: And count Kay out. Pamela: And please, I beg you, count Dianne out. Dianne: Yeah she's a little drunk. And count me out too, I need my mind to be sharp. Kay: Babe, as the Chinese philosopher said: "You can't keep sharp what aint there". Pamela: Dianne, how about a game? Dianne: (Holding up a bunch of tails with large nails in one end from the box). Pin the tail on the donkey. Shaun come over here and get a blindfold on. (She puts blindfold on him). Here take one of these. Shaun holds out his hand. Dianne passes the tails to the ladies. Sandy: Are these pins big enough? Rachel: Do we get blindfolds too? Pamela: Isn't there supposed to be a donkey? Shaun: I need a tail. Dianne: Yes you do! Get the donkey girls!

41


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Shaun: What? (He raises his blindfold as the ladies lunge at him, he screams and bolts out the door). Ladies: (Calling out after him and laughing) Hee haw! Come back here Neddy! etc. Sandy: (Suddenly realising) Dianne. You are out of your wheel chair. Dianne: So? Pamela: What do you mean "so"? What's wrong with you? Kay: Yeah, I thought you couldn't walk. Dianne: (Going back to her wheel chair and sitting down) Nah, I can walk. There's nothing wrong with me. Like I said; I'm fine. And since I have been using the chair I haven't had a single bump or fall. And the handicap parks are so handy. It was the boys idea. Sandy: Ladies, we can try to make sense of this or we can just walk away. Pamela: I'm walking. Rachel: Me too. Kay: Ditto. Pamela: Let's go over the details for the wedding again. (She takes out sheets of paper and hands them around to the other ladies). All groan. Rachel: You know in the Gambia Islands its a whole lot easier. The couple dance together then take off to the bushes for half an hour and when they return its all done. Married. Sandy: No need for lists in that approach. Pamela: What's wrong with this? Kay: Any direct flights there? Rachel: Even easier in Tanzania. The bloke comes over when the chicks family is asleep. If he still there when they wake up they are married. Pamela: Some people just don't make any effort. Rachel: You want effort? Try drinking the blood of a slaughtered bull at a Madagascar wedding or being the bride that gets milk spat on her by the grooms family in Burkina Faso. Sandy: You're just showing off now. Dianne: Burko what? Rachel: Africa. 42


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Dianne: (A little aggressive and clumsy in her drunk state) You're making that up! Pamela: Dianne, you're a little drunk. Dianne: Certainly am, Sherlock. Kay: Well gal's, when's the Hens Party? Pamela: Let's get some black coffee into Dianne first. Rachel: Good luck with that. Dianne is now asleep, mouth open and snoring in her wheel chair. Lights out. SCENE THREE Lights up. Rachel: Hens Party! Come on girls. Kay, we are going to dress you up. Now, usually we would find the most embarrassing outfit for the bride to wear. But as Kay wears that every day I thought we should try something else. I have this! (She holds up a gorgeous dress). Others (minus Kay): Ohhhh that's nice. Kay: Yuk! That is the most revolting thing I have seen in my life! Rachel: Come on and get it on! Kay: You are not getting that on me. Let's play spin the bottle or something. Sandy: Come on Kay, it's a tradition. Kay: Maypole dancing is a tradition but it doesn't make it right for blokes to dance about in frills and bells. Pamela: Come on Kay. Sandy: Either you play along or we set Robocop onto you. Dianne: That's right. I'll run you down. Sandy: Or wrap you in her considerable bosom. Pamela: "The victim searched the room for an escape route, beads of sweat forming on her brow. Could she chance a dash past the waiting savages? The clock was ticking, she had to make a decision. Slowly the savages began to encircle her chanting their god's name... Gianni Versace." 43


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Pamela, Dianne, Sandy and Rachel start moving towards Kay repeating the chant "Gianni Versace". Kay: Get back! I'm warning you! Sandy: Don't make us employ Di's considerable bosom. Kay: Alright then but no photos. (They proceed to get her dressed. Kay is wearing boxer shorts and a camouflage singlet under her clothes). Rachel: You know they make underwear for women too. Pamela: (Getting a make-up kit out and ferreting out bright red lipstick) Lippy! Kay: No way! Pamela: Hold her down girls. (Others hold a struggling Kay down as make-up is applied). Sandy: Let's take a look at you. (They release Kay) Pamela: Perfect! Kay: I feel like a circus performer! Dianne: (Excited) Spin the bottle, let's play spin the bottle! Sandy: Spin the bottle? Come on who do we kiss? Pamela: No, you play it with nail polish and make-up. If the bottle points to you then you spin again for make-up to apply. Kay: I'll go find someone we can kiss. Rachel: No, we'll do it with secrets. The bottle points to you and you have to tell a secret. Dianne: And we get to ask questions and you have to tell! Kay: This sounds like fun, where's the bottle? (She fetches a bottle). Pamela: Alright then. But let's get some rules to make this work properly. Kay: What's to rule? You spin the bottle, it points to you, you tell a secret. Rachel: But we have to make sure everyone gets to tell a secret. Pamela: Leave it to me. Pass me the bottle. Get in a circle. Kay: Anyone else feel like we are about to sacrifice a goat? (The ladies get in a circle, perhaps around the dining room table or on couches around the coffee table). 44


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Dianne: I'm going first! Pamela: Off you go Di. (Dianne spins the bottle, Pamela stops the bottle and points it at Dianne, there are protests). Right Dianne you go first. What is your secret? Rachel: What is that? Sandy: The point of the bottle spinning is that we don't know who will go next. Pamela: (Snapping) We're playing my rules OK? In my rules everyone gets a go, in order, there is no arguing and that makes it fun! OK! (There is a stunned silence at Pamela's out burst). Kay: (Whispering to Rachel) Cool, kooky and calm. Rachel: (Slapping Kay on the arm and shushing her) Shush. Sandy: You alright Pam? Pamela: I am fine! Dianne your turn! Dianne: (Oblivious to the tension in the room) Ooh goody. Want do you want to hear about? Sex? Others: (In unison) No! Sandy: There are no secrets in your sex life! Dianne: I was abducted by aliens, and they probed me and they took my eggs. Others: We know. We know. Rachel: We want a secret Di, not something we've read in the Herald. Kay: What's the worst thing that's happened to you this year? Give us your biggest most life shattering disaster. Sandy: Yeah your most embarrassing accident. Kay: No, that's too easy. I want real dirt. Pain. The thing that kept you awake at night. Crying into your pillow stuff. The event that is the hardest to talk about it. No tree hugging. Sandy: Only if you want to. You don't have to. Pamela: (Correcting her) She has to. Kay: That's the rules. Sandy: We can bend the rules a little. Right? Pamela, Rachel, Kay: No! 45


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Dianne: (Blurting out and then sobbing into her hands) Mister-history! (Brief pause). Pamela, Sandy, Rachel: (Sympathetic) Aaaah. Kay: Mister-what-ory? Sandy: (Understanding) Oh Dianne, that must have been difficult. Kay: What? Pamela: When was that? Kay: What are we talking about? Rachel: What happened? Kay: (Pretending she knows what is going on) Yeah, err, what's the scoop? Dianne: Asteroids in my womb. Kay: What the hell are we talking about? Pamela: (Ignoring Kay) Yes. Fibroids. Very common. Benign, though right? Dianne: Yes. But they had to take my womb. (She bursts into tears). Kay: (Rolling her eyes as she finally gets it) OK. Alright. I get it. Hysterectomy. Dianne: (Sobbing) But the worst part is that I can't have any more babies! Sandy: But Dianne you have a wonderful family. Rachel: You have your eight boys. Kay: Those dear, precious assassins and arsonists. Dianne: I know. Kay: And you're menopausal. The whole baby boat has flown anyway. Rachel: "Sailed". Kay: Huh? Rachel: Boats sail. The baby boat has sailed. Kay: Yeah, sailed. Pamela: It's OK Di. You know next to C section it's the most common operation for women. Sandy: Research on cutting up women? Pamela: (Embarrassed) Yup. Dianne: (Coming right) Anyway, it's fine. I'm starting work at a Daycare next month... Stevie's idea. So I'll still be around kids. (Brightly) And I'm 46


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qualified. Rachel: I didn't know you'd been training. Well done. As one adult graduate to another, I salute you. (She does so). Dianne: Oh I never went back to school. Pamela: Did it online huh? Dianne: No. Kay: This is going to be good. Dianne: My boys "arranged" a diploma. Looks like the real thing. Even went to the Capping ceremony. I've got pictures with a professor. Kay: There ya go. Sandy: (Unsure) Congratulations. Pamela: OK, who's next? Rachel? Rachel: Sure. What do you want to know? Pamela: Spin the bottle first. Sandy: Yes we want the suspense. Rachel spins the bottle. Pamela stops it and points it to Rachel. Kay and Sandy: (Pretending to be surprised). Rachel! Pamela claps her hands enjoying the game. Rachel: (Playing along with Kay and Sandy) Ooh, it's me! What do you want to know? Sandy: Most embarrassing moment this year. Rachel: Where do I start? Pamela: Overseas. Dianne: Involving a toilet. Kay: And a politician. Rachel: Right. That may have to be your confession Kay. I haven't had an encounter with a politician in a toilet this year, not even overseas. Sandy: Do your best. Embellish if you have to. Rachel: OK. True story. My first trip to France I came across my a squat toilet. Busting for a pee. I thought it was a shower at first but there was no shower-head... it dawned on me when I noticed the toilet paper and hand basin... and the stains around the "squat". Pamela: Oh please! Stop! 47


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Dianne: What's a "squat". Rachel: A hole, in the floor, with a porcelain surround. You squat over it and do your business; and believe me it is not as easy as you'd think. I got it all over my flip-flops, which I rinsed off under the tap. Kay: And this is embarrassing how? Rachel: Embarrassing because there was nothing to dry my flip-flops with so as I left the loo they squeaked with every step. Right past the line of people in the queue. Very humiliating. Sandy: And the French can be so gracious to foreigners. Rachel: Oh yes, I don't know where they get their reputation for being obnoxious from. And what's with squat toilets in the land of fine wines, fine art and culture? (Reflects for a moment) You know, there as a time when I was such a hot chick that it was dangerous for me to travel abroad. Now there's not an Italian bloke alive who would bother trying to pinch my bum. I kinda miss it. Kay: I was hoping for something more embarrassing. Rachel: There was the time I was stranded in a mine field in Cambodia. Wandered in by mistake. Didn't dare move for three days while I waited for a UN Mine Removal team to arrive. It was big news. I said I was Russian so it never make it to the English news services. Kay: Boring. Next. Pam you go. Sandy: Spin the bottle. Pamela: OK. (Pam spins the bottle, stops it and points it to herself). Dianne: Hey it's you! Sandy: Fancy that. Kay: It's amazing... so fair... and "fun". Rachel: Give us your most embarrassing. Dianne: No I want dirt. We want dirt don't we Kay? Kay: That's right doll. Get dirty. Worst thing that happened this year. Pamela: (Very fast) Stress at work. Breakdown. Go mad. Kick husband out. Leave my job. Husband comes back. Join slow movement. Everyone happy. The end. Sandy next. (She spins the bottle and stops it at Sandy). Go! Sandy: Well I've already confessed my embarrassing moment to Rachel. Rachel: Told her congregation to "Go to Hell". Got drunk. Kay: That is so cool. You're tempting me back to church. Sandy: (To Pamela) I went a little mad myself this year. It must be in the water. 48


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Kay: Now we're getting somewhere. Confessions of a psychotic Reverend. Sandy: Five year anniversary of Dave's passing away. You think you're over it and then whammo something triggers it off and you're right back there. I got so angry at him. How could he do this to me? He should be here with me. I got all his stuff and threw it out on the lawn, poured petrol over it and sent it up in smoke. Pamela: Menopause. Sandy: Whatever it was it felt great. Very dramatic. Then three fire engines arrived, along with a couple of police cars... and the newspaper. If only I had said I was Russian. Rachel: How did you handle all that? Sandy: Easy. Got drunk. Next day told my congregation to go to hell. It really was quite the weekend. Kay: That's it. I am going back to church. Others: Me too! Sandy: (Laughing) We'll start our own church; Menopausal Methodists! Pamela: It's not fair though is it? Male menopause is all red convertibles and young babes... our menopause is facial hair, weight gain, lost car keysDianne farts. Dianne: -flatulence! Pamela: I feel like I'm turning into my husband... Rachel: Look on the bright side; you could end up with a red convertible. Pamela: Sounds good to me! Kay: I've gone from PMS to PMS. (Explaining) Pre-menstrual syndrome to pre-menopause syndrome. Pamela: (Pointing to herself) Present-menopause syndrome. Dianne: (Pointing to herself) Post-menopause syndrome. Sandy: (Pointing to herself) Permanent Menopause Syndrome. Rachel: (Tapping her head) Potty Menopause Syndrome. Dianne: (Pointing to herself) Peeing myself Menopause Syndrome. (Pause as everyone looks at Dianne). Pamela: OK enough of that. We should go to bed. We've got a wedding in the morning. (As all start to exit...) Good night girls. Black out. SCENE FOUR Shaun enters the lounge and begins arranging chairs etc for the wedding. He is wearing an Oompa Loompa outfit, a tribute to the original Charlie and the Chocolate Factory movie. Sandy enters next and is going over some notes with him. Pamela pushes Dianne in and puts the final touches on the 49


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room. Dianne is pouring glasses of bubbly for the toast at the end of the scene. Sandy: What on earth are you wearing? Shaun: I'm an Loompa Oompa . Sandy: Of course you are. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Pamela: (Correcting him) Oompa Loompa. Shaun: No, Loompa Oompa. Copyright issues. It's got to be different. The business is: "Kay and the Candy Factory". The staff uniforms are all Loompa Oompa's outfits. Like this. Kay dresses as Billy Bonka. Pamela: (Horrified) Billy Bonka? Shaun: You know, Willy Wonka. Pamela: Yes I get it, you don't need to explain. Sandy: (To herself) I started this, I asked the question. Dianne has taught me nothing. Shaun: It was Kay's idea to have a theme at the factory. She's so creative. Pamela: Watch out Karen Walker. Sandy: Promise me that Kay is not dressing as Billy Bonka for the wedding. Pamela: She is not. I made the dress myself. Something far more appropriate. Sandy: (Head to the heavens) Thank you Jesus. Pam you have done a great job of organising all this. Dianne: I'm pouring drinks! Sandy: Good girl. Pamela: I've loved organising it all. (Trying to be cool) I mean it has been OK. Someone had to do it. Sandy: You know, if you wanted a little part time job, we have one going at the church office. 15 hours a week. It might be just the balancing you need... and give you plenty of time to write your book. Pamela: No, I'm happy with my life as it is thanks. Sandy: Yeah, it's probably not be your thing anyway. It's all the stuff us normal people hate. Spreadsheets, email, database, word processing, event organisation. Nasty stuff. Pamela: When can I start?! Sandy: Monday too soon? Pamela: I'll be there. Dianne: (Seeing Kay and Rachel coming out of the bedroom) Here they come! (Dianne activates the smoke machine and Pamela starts the wedding music: Jimmi Hendrix style kick-ass wedding march plays. Kay and Rachel enter from the bedroom through the smoke). Sandy: Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today in the presence of these 50


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witnesses, to join Kay Wilkes and Shaun Phillips in matrimony, which is commended to be honourable among all men; and therefore – is not by any – to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly – but reverently, discreetly, advisedly and solemnly. Into this holy estate these two persons present now come to be joined. If any person can show just cause why they may not be joined together – let them speak now or forever hold their peace. Dianne: ISandy: Shut it Dianne. Now where were we? Oh yes, "Who gives this woman to be wedded to this man". Rachel: I do. (Clears her throat and lowers her voice to sound like the father of the bride) I do. Sandy: Good. Now I believe you have a reading for us Dianne? Pamela: I gave it to you. Check your pocket. Dianne: (Feeling pockets, then with a formal voice) Yes Sandy I do. (Dianne pulls out a piece of paper and begins to read in a kind and gentle tone) "She recognised her husband’s gutting knife in the figure’s hand. She followed the knife’s path with her eyes, watching the blade as it pierced her stomach. Sandy: That might not be the right piece of paper Dianne. Pamela: (Snatching the paper off Dianne and passing her another from her own pocket) Give me that! Try this one. Dianne: I didn't think that sounded very romantic. Kay: I liked it. It moved me. Dianne: (Reading from the paper, it is from Hamlet). Doubt thou the stars are fire; Doubt that the sun doth move; Doubt truth to be a liar; But never doubt I love. Sandy: Thank you Dianne. Well read. Now your vows. In an unusual move Shaun and Kay have decided to make their vows in five words each. Shaun: Life, death, love, faithful, forever. Kay: (Pointing at him) Stray from nest and die. (In response to stunned silence) Kidding! Come on. Here we go: "Never doubt I love you". Sandy: Love is the most beautiful thing we possess. And yet it is full of mysteries and at times refuses to be held in the arms that would embrace it. Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate: Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, And summer's lease hath all too short a date: Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines, And often is his gold complexion dimm'd; And every fair from fair sometime declines, By chance or nature's changing course untrimm'd; 51


Š 2007, 2009 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

But thy eternal summer shall not fade Nor lose possession of that fair thou owest; Nor shall Death brag thou wander'st in his shade, When in eternal lines to time thou growest: So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, So long lives this and this gives life to thee. William Shakespeare's Sonnet number 18 Dianne: "If you want my body and you think I'm sexy come on sugar let me know." Rod Steward. Sandy: I guess they both work. Take your pick. Now its time for the rings. (She looks at Rachel who shakes her head, then Dianne and Pamela). OK, who has the rings? Pamela: Rings! No! It wasn't on the list! I'm an idiot! Sandy: No you're not. You're just a little out of practice. That's all. Kay: We don't need rings. Sandy: Of course you need rings. (She looks at the rings on her own finger, then is a moment of contemplation then she pulls off two rings - her wedding ring and Dave's). The wedding ring is a sign of the eternal and spiritual nature of love. Love has no beginning and it has no end just like these rings. (She passes a ring each to Shaun and Kay). Shaun, Kay. Kay and Shaun: I can'tSandy: (Forcefully) Yes you bloody can (then more gently) and I would be honoured if you would. Those rings served Dave and I faithfully and I pray they will you too. Come on Shaun. Shaun: (Putting the ring on Kay's finger) I give you this ring as a symbol of my love and faithfulness to you. Kay: (Putting the ring on Shaun's finger) I give you this ring as a sign of my ownership of you. (Quickly) And love of course. Others laugh. Sandy: Before we finish Rachel has something to share. Rachel: I wanted to contribute something to this and didn't know what that was. Then I thought about the old tradition of "tying the knot" in weddings. Cultures all over the world have bound the bride and grooms hands together with a piece of rope or woven grass as symbol of their "togetherness" and commitment to each other. I thought these might be appropriate. (She takes out a pair of handcuffs and links Kay's wrist with Shaun's). Dianne: Kinky! Kay: I like it! Sandy: By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you "prisoner and captive"... "Oompa and Osama"... and "husband and wife". You may now kiss the bride. Kay and Shaun kiss. 52


Š 2007, 2009 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Dianne: A toast! Everyone takes a glass. Dianne: To the bride and groom! All: The bride and groom! Kay: And to menopause! (Holds up her glass) Because Ladies... All: Menopause Made Me Do It! Ladies clap, laugh, the wedding music plays and lights go to black. End

Props List Five gift baskets Bottle of Gin Desk lamp Chocolate bar Blindfold scarf Cross Stitch Magazine Gag scarf Crossword Magazine Post-it notes Pen Camouflage net Various Overnight Bags for girls Chiming door sensor Handbags Chocolate bars 53


Š 2007, 2009 Devon Williamson Do not perform without permission. All rights reserved.

Dictaphone Blow-up doll Wheel Chair Coffee/mugs Motorbike helmet Pumpkin Large pickle Carrot List in Pam's bag Can of tomatoes boiled egg Bottles of Wine Rubbish bin Wine glasses and shot glass Pam's wedding list/copies 4 cell phones Ball and chain Box of games Book manuscript Bottle of rum Land phone 5 Donkey tails/pins Motel room key Make-up Microphone Hand Gun Power cord

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Menopause Made Me Do It - Australian Editions