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I Don't Want to See My Child Fail! by Jay Beckwith Imagine an infant lying on their back on the floor. In your mind’s eye watch as she works to roll over onto her stomach. Over the course of a month or so she will eventually accomplish her goal. In so doing she will have made countless attempts. Now imagine a child of a similar age also lying on the floor but in this case he makes few if any attempts to roll over. If this behavior persists over several months, the parent should rightly be concerned that there may be an organic reason for this lack of trying. The gist of this example is that it is not the many times the girl has been unsuccessful that is the “failure,” rather it is the lack of trying that is the true concern. From the moment children are born each developmental step requires count-
less attempts before success is achieved. Babies are, if you will, failure machines. Babies expect to fail and have reflexes that help prevent injury, i.e. the sit-onyour-bottom-before-you-fall-down, or the protective arm reflexes. Generally when babies fail they laugh, they are having fun! Unless they are really injured, when they cry, when they fail, it is often not because they are hurt but they have been TAUGHT that failure is bad. They cry because they have not met your expectation that they should be successful. They don’t want to disappoint you. Not reacting so as to prevent possible injury, or other “failure,” is one of the most difficult aspects of parenting. Not only do we have to stop our instinctive physical reaction but we also have to monitor our emotional fear response. Our impulsive grab to support their actions with accompanying quick inhala-
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tion is a powerful way to convey fear to children and communicate strongly that they are in DANGER! As with any skill it takes practice to avoid teaching your child that, when they are testing their limits and learning a new skill, you are afraid that they will be hurt. If you are lucky enough to start when your child is very young, you can learn to laugh along with them when they, for example, plop down on their bottoms as they try to stand. It is never too late, however, to help your child gain confidence and become an adventurous learner. Instead of watching out to prevent failures, we should be looking for their “tries” and recognize that each try is a step toward mastery. We don’t have to overreact and praise every effort; it is enough simply to watch with a smile. Children also don’t need praise, in fact that can be counter-prowww.playgroundprofessionals.com/magazine