MAY 2013 RSA
THE SPORTS ISSUE
TAMARA EC CLESTONE
SH A NE WAR NE CLASSIC INTERVIEWS
EXT RE ME S PO R T S MISS MAY
TER S H A M A K W I YA 1
STANDARD DIGITAL EDITION
L ANC E A RM STR O NG MI KE T Y SO N M U HAMM A D A L I D E NNI S RO D M A N JAC KI E S TEWA RT T H E R OCK
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THIS MONTH’S HIGHLIGHTS
ough winds might shake the darling buds of May in the northern hemisphere, but here on the tip of our lowly continent the leaves are falling and there is a chilled wind in the air. But do not be discouraged, this month PLAYBOY gives you an action-packed sports edition that will keep you inspired and sweating all month long. So instead of shivering around your Woolies soup this winter, how about a go at Ski-BASE jumping? That’s exactly what Shane McConkey did when it got frosty. Check out our feature on McConkey and the new breed of adventure sport in Superhuman. If you want to know what it takes to be the best, we feature three athletes who will show you just what ends one must go to when all is at stake. First, we kick back for 20Q with Shane Warne during his recent visit to South Africa. He is arguably one of the greatest bowlers to ever play cricket, but we’re more interested in how an Australian managed to land the lovely Liz Hurley. Then, the man who won the last three Formula 1 Championships, Red Bull Racing’s Sebastian Vettel, takes on his own teammate in a tale of betrayal in Formula 1. Herschel Walker was a college and professional American football player, who also made the American Olympic bobsled team, and most recently, at the age of 47, made his debut as a professional Mixed Martial Arts fighter. Read his remarkable story in The Fighter. Our scintillating cover model is Formula 1 heiress, Tamara Ecclestone, the daughter of Formula 1 CEO, Bernie Ecclestone. She tells us about her life in the fast lane, her tattoos and her ambitions for a lifestyle business. If Tamara is not inspiration enough to take up a sport this winter (or buy a Formula 1 team) then maybe some football lessons with Colombian model Mariana Contreras will do the trick. Prepare to get dirty, though. On the other hand, our photoshoot of Playmate of the Month, Tersha Makwiya, SPORTS SUPERSTARS shows us a softer, sensual side, and you can almost hear the HOLY MAN purr of the Lotus Evora behind her. Rich Mulholland will be our voice of reason over the next couple of months, so be sure to check out his column, Breakfast in Bed. This month he explains why we are so sport crazy. Lisa Lampanelli tells us to Man Up in her forum on the death of the Alpha male. If you do think you have game though, read our feature on the ins and outs of attraction. Chip Rowe’s The Look of Love explores the science behind the dating game. Energy drinks, sport gadgets, the America’s Cup, fiction by Million Dollar Baby author FX Toole, and wait until you see the all-new McLaren P1; PLAYBOY, sports, sex; this Autumn we’re making sure you have every reason to get inspired.
MARIANA CONTRERAS VISUAL ESSAY
THIS IS THE TABLE OF CONTENTS FOR OUR PREMIUM DIGITAL MAGAZINE. TO GET THE FULL, PREMIUM MAG, GO TOwww.mysubs.co.za/magazine/playboy-premium
M AY 2 013
NO I IN TEAM
The most intriguing rivalry in Formula 1 since the days of Alain Prost vs Ayrton Senna takes place in the Red Bull Racing paddock. Why is Mark Webber being robbed?
The dogged determination, seeming fearlessness, and imagination of extreme sportsmen pushes athleticism to a new frontier. Inside the mind of the new superhumans.
Herschel Walker fought his way to the top in American Football. He fought his way out of mental illness. At the age of almost 50 – he started fighting again – as a professional MMA fighter.
THE LOOK OF LOVE
In seeking to understand the science of male sexuality, we explore the startling discoveries made by researchers who study the human mating dance.
38 86 REGULARS 14
COLUMN: BREAKFAST IN BED
THE INTERVIEW: SPORTS SUPERSTARS
20 QUESTIONS: SHANE WARNE
What’s happening at PLAYBOY in South Africa, at The Mansion, and around the world.
Rich Mulholland kicks off his new column by asking what makes South Africans so sports crazy.
We bring you excerpts from some of the best PLAYBOY Interviews with sports superstars over the years: Ali, Armstrong, Rodman, OJ, Tyson and more.
Shane Warne, one of the greatest bowlers in the history of the game, chats about love, hair and poker. And cricket.
143 FORUM: MAN UP
Lisa Lampanelli tells us about “duvas” – diva dudes – and how they take up more shelf space in the bathroom than their girlfriends.
COVER: F1 HEIRESS TAMARA ECCLESTONE
VISUAL ESSAY: PLAYER PROFILE BY PATRICK RYAN
MISS MAY: TERSHA MAKWIYA
THE OFFSIDE RULE: MARIANA CONTRERAS
WINK: KATARINA JOVANOVIĆ
124 LIFESTYLE 21
ENERGY DRINKS: BOTTLED THROTTLE
PLAYBOAT: THE AMERICA'S CUP
MOTORING: MCLAREN P1
GROOMING: BARBERSHOP FADE IN
THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR
IT’S A MAN’S WORLD
RAW DATA: FACTS & FIGURES
TIMELINE: A HISTORY OF SOUTH AFRICAN SPORT
MUSIC: JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE, ERIC CLAPTON & MORE
FILMS: THE GREATEST SPORT MOVIES EVER
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PLAYMATE OF THE YEAR 2013 Want to attend our annual Playmate of the Year gala event where we introduce our PMOY for 2013 and her cover shoot for our June issue? Keep an eye on our Facebook page or sign up for our newsletter by becoming a free member on our website.
JADE FAIRBROTHER VISITS HEF
Our very first South African Playmate of the Year, Jade Fairbrother, jetted off to LA to visit Hef and the bunnies at The PLAYBOY Mansion in LA. Follow her adventures by watching her page on our website.
MISS MARCH NUDE PICS PLAYMATE SUMMIT
“Playmates are more than images on the pages. You are what brings life to the magazine.” This was the message from Hef, delivered at the Playmate Summit – the first in a series of workshops to keep PLAYBOY one of the best brands in the world.
Every month, we release a selection of nude pics from our Playmate pictorials on our website. The super-fit Miss March, Sabian Ransome, shows you how to really get a work out. To see these membersonly pics, all you need to do is register for free on our site. Go to www. playboy.co.za. Her behind-thescenes video will be released in June.
ריאיון "אם ישראל תושמד "אף מדינה לא תשב שבעה
אבי דיכטר נשבר בחקירה
ישראל(ית) מתפשטת נערת החודש העברייה הראשונה
משוואה עם נעלם
כתב פלייבוי יצא לחפש את הגאון הרוסי גריגורי פרלמן
שאלות עם בראיין20 " כוכב "שובר שורות,קראנסטון
טיולי הרכבת היפים בעולם
ארדי-גלעד כהנא והדרה לוין
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WELCOME PLAYBOY ISRAEL
The newest kid on the block is PLAYBOY Israel, which launched in March. Now you can read your PLAYBOY right to left. And in Hebrew. We are happy to welcome them to the PLAYBOY family.
The PLAYBOY Mansion recently hosted the Golden Globes gala. Guests included comedian Jon Lovitz (picture here) as well as Gene Simmons, Shannon Tweed, and a bevy of Playmates.
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A lover of dogs, Crystal Hefner hosted the Guiness World Records’ fastest skateboarding bulldog, Tillman, at the PLAYBOY Mansion.
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BREAKFAST IN BED
FOR A CHANGE OF PACE, WE INVITED RICH MULHOLLAND TO EXPLORE WHY SOUTH AFRICANS ARE SO SPORTS-BEFOK AND WHETHER THIS IS CHEMICAL OR CULTURAL, OR BOTH?
grew up in a city called Glasgow in Scotland where football performed saliva tests on both Brazilian and Italian football was more than sport, it divided Glasgow across ostensibly fans before their clash at the 1994 World Cup. A second religious lines. So if you were Catholic like I was, you’d sampling was then conducted after Brazil’s victory. Dabbs support the green and white of Celtic. If, on the other hand, found that the Italian fans’ testosterone levels had dropped you were Protestant, it was Rangers all the way. by as much as 27 percent, while the Brazilians’ levels rose by My parents, not wanting me to get caught up in all that, a staggering 28 percent. The truth of the matter was that the banned me from supporting Celtic and did their best to get me winning fans were actually the “better men” after the game. to love the yellow and red of Partick Thistle. Let me try to put Another study by Indiana University demonstrated that hardthis in perspective for you: If Partick Thistle was your mate’s core fans of both genders were much more optimistic about new missus, and you were asked to describe her, you would their sexual appeal after a victory by their team, which I guess generously explain that she had a nice personality. And even lends some credence to the statement that the fans of the team that would be a stretch. that lost “are a bunch of wankers.” I remember once sitting next to Eddie Do Pinheiro at Stefan Of course there’s a negative to all this, too. Just consider Minehold’s 13th birthday party when Eddie turned around and Suleiman Alphonso Omondi, a 29-year-old Arsenal fan who said to me, “Molly...” (why is it that the shittiest nicknames are left a bar in tears after watching his beloved Gunners lose always the ones that stick?)“... I have something I need to tell 3-1 to Manchester United in the semi-final of the Champions you, but you have to promise not to tell anyone.” League in 2009. His body was found hanging from his balcony “You have my word Eddie,” I replied with all the seriousness the next morning. He killed himself wearing his Arsenal shirt. that a puberty-stricken 13-year-old could muster. We can trace this back a lot further than modern sports, “I don’t know who to turn to though. If we head back to Rome but I need to get this off my circa 140BC, there were periods chest, I’m so embarrassed.” when the citizenry spent as much There’s a psychological and “What is it Ed? You can trust me.” as nine months of the year at physiological correlation between our “Molly... I, I love the band the gladiatorial games. Panem et team’s performance on the field and our WHAM!” circenses (bread or circuses) was state-of-being in the armchair. Had he told me that he was an the motto of the day – if we can’t alien hermaphrodite, I would make them happy through actual have been less surprised and policy, well we’ll just make sure horrified. So why am I telling you this? Well, as devastated as that they are well-fed and distracted. Eddie felt that day, that’s how bad I felt every time I admitted to I once read a great book by Daniel P Mannix called For Those someone that I supported Partick Thistle. This changed me. It About To Die. In it he described in detail the sheer magnitude led me to simply not enjoy football at all. of death and destruction contained in the games – this was in So I find myself sitting here in sports-befok South Africa, fact the book that the Hollywood blockbuster, Gladiator was struggling to work out why any of this matters. based on (as an aside, I’m still awaiting the adult version of that We’ve all heard it before, a group of mates sitting around a film called "Glad I ate her", but I digress). braai, discussing the latest big game that they’d just watched Mannix refers to a level of bloodlust so high that there were on TV. times when male spectators from the audience were so caught “You guys have really improved out front, hey?” up in the frenzy that they would jump into the fray, often dying “Ja, since we changed our coaching I really feel that we’ve in the process, while women were known to spontaneously given ourselves a chance for the cup this year.” orgasm while watching the mayhem. The connection between Wait. What? those playing and those watching, both then and now, is real. It You? We? I? Were you on the field? Or part of the team may be them playing, but it is actually I, us, and we that win. management? No, of course not. And yet, several studies While the cynic in me says that this is all in our heads, the have shown that, in fact, there’s both a psychological and realist in me says so what!? If Partick Thistle one day actually physiological correlation between our team’s performance on wins something, I will take my 28 percent more testosterone, the field and our state-of-being in the armchair. add that to my new-found sexual appeal, and I’ll party like A psychologist at Georgia State University, James Dabbs, Eduardo Do Pinheiro at a George Michael revival. 14
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IT'S A MAN'S WORLD ALL THE SPORTS TECH YOU NEVER KNEW YOU REALLY WANTED
SCEENEYE X German sports tech developer O-Synce has developed the first goggle-free heads-up display visor. Without the restriction of goggles, the Screeneye X could be used for various training and sport codes. Not only does the Screeneye X track your data (with the aid of sensors such as footpods and heart monitors), but a it also offers training regiment tools that can be set up beforehand, fed to the Screeneye’s computer and followed off the HUD without having to pause your activity. www.o-synce.com
GARMIN SWIM The Swim is a swimming tracker designed to record all necessary data during training. Letting the swimmer focus on the workout, the watch will records speed, lengths, calories, stroke count and efficiency. Data can then be downloaded wirelessly to the computer for review with the included GarminConnect software. www.garmin.com/swim
FITBIT ONE The FitBit is a wireless fitness tracker, and it measures everything you do. From the number of steps you take to the amount of calories you burn, and it even measures your sleep cycle. This means that it records how long you sleep, how many times you wake up, and using this, you can figure out your optimum sleeping patterns. And when you’ve had enough sleep, it wakes you with a silent alarm, which won’t disturb others. Just hook it up to your smartphone via Bluetooth and the FitBit will to the rest. www.mantality.co.za
SCORPION FS 26 S-PEDELEC
For the adventurous, the Eaton Raptor is an all-terrain compass, a weather band digital radio, alarm clock, MP3 player, LED flashlight, altimeter, thermometer, barometer and chronograph watch. The raptor is charged either via UDV cable, or with the monocrystal solar panel. You can even charge your smartphone through the solar charger, just as if you were plugging it into a wall. www.mantality.com
HP Velotechnik’s latest trike has won a Eurobike Award for its innovative design. Even though there are many incarnations of the trike available on the market, the Scorpion is our favourite because it combines tried and tested peddle-power with a 500-watt rear mounted motor. It can reach speeds of 45 km/h, has a high-tech LED lighting system and an allaluminium chassis. It even folds up for storage or transport. www.hpvelotechnik.com
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by Toonen & Wientjens
DO YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES?
FACTS & FIGURES
In the 1992 PGA Championship, Nick Price holed a putt from
33.5 METERS AWAY
Paul Thorburn, a former Wales rugby player, holds the record for the longest penalty kick in rugby history.
THE LARGEST ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS TOURNAMENT was held at at Brigham Young University in 2008. 793 players competed.
In 2012 Aerial Manx performed a
HANDSTAND ON BROKEN GLASS FOR 8.47 SECONDS WHILE SWALLOWING A SWORD. In 2009 Luis “Trikz” Da Silva Jr
CAUGHT 24 BASKETBALLS WITH HIS NECK The longest tennis game ever. John Isner beat Nicolas Mahut in the first round of Wimbledon 2010 after playing
in just one minute. In 2003 ”The Great Nippulini“ (Sage Werbock)
LIFTED 21.9 KG WITH HIS NIPPLES.
Austrian David Weichenberger leapt into the record books in 2006 by
JUMPING 2.95 METERS ON A UNICYCLE.
In 2011 Daniel Cutting ran 100 m while balancing a soccer ball on his head in a record time of only
18.53 24h30min 4:32:28
in 11 hours and 5 minutes
Nikolai Kutsenko juggled a regulation soccer ball with only his feet, legs and head for Fastest Fruity Marathon. Sally Orange lived up to her name when she completed the London Marathon in
Cricket legend Sachin Tendulkar has scored
THE BALL NEVER TOUCHED THE GROUD.
DRESSED AS AN ORANGE.
since his career started in 1989.
On a very foggy morning in 1990, Jockey Sylvester ”Sly“ Carmouche surprised spectators by taking the win at the Delta Downs in Louisiana with 23-1 odds stacked against him. How did he do it? He simply waited out a lap and then sped up as competitors were coming up round the bend behind him.¬
I went to the gynaecologist for my check-up yesterday
How did it go? Well, she asked me a weird question ...
... “Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
Probably watching rugby with his mates
Energy drinks are a multi-billion Rand industry, and simply judging by the amount of branded stickers on cars and caps on okes wearing vests, they don't seem to be stopping any time soon. And neither will you if you imbibe their products as they claim. So what exactly goes into these drinks? Tuarine, Guarana, caffeine, exotic teas and berries from the Amazon â€“ they all claim to give you that boost that you need in a multitude of unique flavours. We broke down some of the leading energy drinks in South Africa to see how much bang you get for your buck, according to sugar, kilojoules and caffeine. As a benchmark, your average cup of coffee contains 0.04 to 0.1 grams of caffeine, with 4.2 grams of sugar per teaspoon.
Caffeine (per can): 0.8 grams
Caffeine (per can): 0.15 grams
Caffeine (per bottle): 0 grams
Caffeine (per bottle): 0 grams
Caffeine (per bottle): 0.065 grams
Caffeine (per bottle): 0 grams
Caffeine (per can): 0.7 grams
Sugar (per can): 27.5 grams
Sugar (per can): 10.25 grams
Sugar (per bottle): 28 grams
Sugar (per bottle): 37.8 grams
Sugar (per bottle): 51 grams
Sugar (per bottle): 27.3 grams
Sugar (per can): 27.25 grams
2 grams Synthetic Vit. C added
photography by paul crafford
2 grams of Tuarine added
HIGHEST SUGAR CONTENT
LOWEST SUGAR CONTENT BEST FOR RECOVERY
BEST NONCAFFEINATED 19 BANG
BEST BANG FOR YOUR BUCK
On the Podium Exactly 100 years before Usain Bolt took his first gold medal at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, the 100-meter dash gold medal winner was South African Reggie Walker. The 1908 London Summer Olympics saw the first Olympic medals for South Africa: a Gold for Walker and a Silver for marathon runner, Charles Hefferon.
SPORT A TIMELINE
A SHORT LOOK AT THE LENGTHY, BUT BY NO MEANS COMPLETE, HISTORY OF SOUTH AFRICAN SPORT. by luka vracar photography courtesy of mediaclubsouthafrica.com
1996 Gold This Time ‘Round The 1996 Summer Olympics in Atlanta brought the new Rainbow Nation its first Olympic gold medals (and the first for South Africa since Esther Brand and Joan Harrison won gold in Helsinki in 1952). Penny Heyns won Gold for the 100-meter and 200-meter women’s breaststroke, and Josia Thugwane won the men’s marathon.
Plane to Paris The aftermath of the 1996 AFCON victory saw Bafana Bafana packed and ready to go to France for the 1998 FIFA World Cup. It was lift off for the boys and coach Clive Barker knew it (mimicking a plane taking off each time Bafana Bafana scored). And qualify they did. South Africa would take part in the FIFA World Cup for the very first time.
The Big One On 24 June 1995, South Africa returned to the world stage with a resounding bang – that of Joel Stransky’s cleat against a rugby ball – taking the lead in the Rugby World Cup final with a few moments to go. Every South African knows what happened next, in what is arguably the greatest moment in South African sport.
Ladduuummmmaaaa! The euphoric sensations of the 1995 Rugby World Cup continued into the new year. Inspired by their eggthrowing brothers, Bafana Bafana went into the 1996 African Cup of Nations with determination and style. In the final at Soccer City, South Africa beat Tunisia 2-0. It was Bafana Bafana’s first major trophy.
The Last Temptation of Cronje The disgrace of Hansie Cronje shocked the cricketing world. It was revealed he accepted $15,000 from a British bookmaker for “forecasting results,” $30,000 from Mukesh Gupta to throw a match against India and a further $50,000 for team information, R50,000 by Marlon Aronstam to lose a match in 2000, as well as being offered $140,000 by an Indian betting syndicate to rig a match in 2000. He was banned for life.
Ellis Park Disaster Ten years after the disaster at the Oppenheimer Stadium, events were to repeat themselves, once again at a match between Orlando Pirates and Kaizer Chiefs, this time at a league derby match. A human crush occurred when thousands of fans from both sides surged into the stadium after it had reached its 60,000 capacity. 43 people lost their lives, making this the worst sport accident in South African history.
Just not Cricket By 2003, the South African Cricket team had already been called chokers for their seeming inability to reach the finals of the World Cup. During the 2003 tournament, confusion arose around the Duckworth/ Lewis Method when their match with Sri Lanka was interrupted by rain, and the match was tied. The Proteas were knocked-out for the second consecutive World Cup when needing just one more run to progress.
The Major South African Bobby Locke becomes the first South African to win a Major golfing championship when he beats Ireland’s Harry Bradshaw by 12 strokes after a 36-hole playoff. Locke would go on to become a South African golfing legend, winning the Open three more times; in 1950, 1952, and 1957.
The Dark Night Rises If Bobby Locke was South Africa’s first golfing championship, Gary Player was undoubtedly its greatest. Player would win his first of nine Majors at Muirfield Golf Links in Scotland, two strokes ahead of the wonderfully named Fred Bullock and Flory Van Donck.
The Big Easy By the time Ernie Els won the 1994 US Open at Oakmont Country Club, South Africa had already established itself as one of the world’s best golfing nations. However, Els would lead a new generation that would bring many more Majors in the following two decades. Els himself would win three more; most recently the 2012 Open.
Howzat! It is the last One Day International in a five match series between South Africa and Australia. All’s square. Australia wins the toss and opts to bat. Australia posts 434 runs after 50 overs, a new world record. Except, nobody bothers to tell the South African batsmen. What follows is one of the greatest comebacks in sport history. South Africa ties Australia’s record, and then breaks it, posting 438 runs. The greatest cricket match ever played.
Lets Get Ready to Rumble “Baby Jake” Matlala became a national boxing icon on 15 May 1993 when he defeated Pat Clinton to become the WBO Flyweight Champion – a title he would hold for two years. He then went on to upset Michael Carbajal for the IBA title in 1997. At 1.47 meters, he still holds the record of being the shortest champion ever.
Champions, Again The Webb Ellis trophy returns to South Africa in 2007 when Jake White’s Springboks beat England 15-6 in Saint-Denis, France. South Africa becomes the second team (Australia the other) to win the Rugby World Cup multiple times. Percy Montgomery is top scorer with 105 points and Bryan Habana is top tryscorer with eight tries.
Back On The Podium The 1992 Summer Olympics in Barcelona gave South Africa its first Olympic medal in over 30 years, and the first one since the fall of Apartheid. 26-year-old Elena Meyer won Silver for the women’s 10,000 meters.
Jody Scheckter, F1 Champion With Scuderia Ferrari, Jody Scheckter became South Africa’s first and only Formula One World Champion in 1979, beating his Canadian teammate Gilles Villeneuve by four points. He would be the last driver for Ferrari to win a Drivers Championship until Michael Schumacher 21 years later.
Orkney Disaster On 13 January the Oppenheimer Stadium in the North West Province hosted a match between Orlando Pirates and Kaizer Chiefs. Even though the match itself was meant to be a pre-season friendly, the fans thought otherwise. Some Pirates fans attacked Chiefs fans and what resulted was a stampede that led to the death of 42 people.
Like Clockwork Bruce Fordyce won his seventh consecutive Comrades Marathon in 1987. He completed the up route in a time of 05:37:21, exactly the same time, to the second, that it took him to win the 1985 Comrades, two years prior. He won again in 1988 and 1990, earning him nine consecutive victories.
Twenty-Ten It would turn out to be a year like no other in South Africa; the year South Africa hosted the FIFA World Cup, the first on African soil. The naysayers were silenced and together with stunning new stadia, vuvuzelas, parties, and the world’s greatest football stars, South Africa provided one of the most colorful, entertaining, and successful World Cups ever. photo by chris kirchhoff
NO I IN TEAM by luka vracar
photography courtesy of red bull
"FERNANDO IS FASTER THAN YOU. CAN YOU CONFIRM YOU UNDERSTAND THAT MESSAGE?" – FILIPE MASSA’S RACE ENGINEER, 2010 GERMAN GRAND PRIX.
FORMUL A 1
11 APRIL 2013 – Red Bull Racing golden boy, three-time Formula 1 Champion, Sebastian Vettel spits fire onto his ruined relationship with teammate Mark Webber. Seemingly reluctant, yet understandably confident, the man who is seeking a third successful title defense shrugs it off, “After all that happened the past few years, Mark didn’t deserve to win.” Vettel is unapologetic for betraying Webber three weeks earlier at the Malaysian Grand Prix. 24 MARCH 2013 – “This is silly Seb, come on,” Christian Horner Team Principal says over the radio into Vettel’s helmet. The comment is ignored. Vettel is too busy trying to overtake Webber and there are only 10 laps to go before the checked flag of the Malaysian Grand Prix. Webber has his foot down. He’s too slow, the fuel-mix set up in his car at the final stages of the race is not providing the power. Vettel is all over his back wing. Order “Multi 21” was declared minutes ago, which means car two (Webber) finishes ahead of car one (Vettel). Webber was coasting to the finish, preserving tires and fuel. Vettel’s car is lighter with a higher fuel mix. The Red Bulls are neck and neck. They turn onto the front straight and Vettel surges past. “He was told Mark, he was told,” Webber’s race engineer shouts into the driver’s radio. Formula 1 drivers pull no punches. There are no holds barred when you are driving at +300 km/h, your wheels uncovered and inches away from your enemy’s, praying that he hits the brakes before you do. It is an endless game of chicken. Who is going to brake first? Who is going to turn in sooner? Sebastian Vettel may not have won any fans by disobeying team orders, surprising his teammate and taking the victory in Malaysia, but a World Champion needs to do what a World Champion needs to do.
than one striker, would these players pass to their competition, or aim to score with every kick themselves? Selfishness will always win out. And teams will suffer. 30 MAY 2010 – After the final round of pit stops at the Turkish Grand Prix, the result is poised to be the same as the line up of the grid at the start of the race. Webber is in first, Vettel second, Hamilton third and Button fourth. Webber assumes his team is satisfied with a one/two finish and turns on the fuel-saving mode, decreasing power. But the peace is broken. Lap 40, 18 to go, and Vettel wants first for himself. He tries to overtake but the teammates collide. Webber loses the victory, and even though he retires from the race, Vettel wins his first Championship at the end of the year. Team orders, like the ones issued to Vettel and Webber in Malaysia this year, have been the stuff of nightmares, usually for the number two driver. The 2002 Austrian Grand Prix highlighted
Christian Horner recently described the war between Vettel and Webber as a “healthy rivalry.” But it isn’t; it is a fight – one that Webber will lose.
13 NOVEMBER 1994 – It’s the last race of the season and Michael Schumacher leads the Championship by one point; all he needs to do is beat Damon Hill in Adelaide and he will have his very first championship. Schumacher leads Hill from the start of the race, until lap 36. Schumacher runs wide and bumps his tires against the wall. Hill is about to pass him… finally. Schumacher’s Benneton suddenly careens in front of Hill and the two collide. Schumacher is out. Hill pits – he’s out as well. Schumacher starts his legacy with one point. The issue with Formula 1, as we have seen in the ongoing war between Vettel and Webber, which dates much further back than Malaysia, is that the sport seeks to reward team performance and individual performance separately. It is the only sport that offers two championships for the same work – one for the driver, and one for the constructor. Teams want both their drivers to do well, increasing their chances of a Constructor’s Championship. But only one driver gets to stand on the top tier of the podium at the end of the season. Imagine if they offered a league championship to the best striker in a football season. When teams have more
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IN THIS MONTHS ISSUE 1. COVER: F1 HEIRESS TAMARA ECCLESTONE 2. MISS MAY: TERSHA MAKWIYA 3. THE OFFSIDE RULE: MARIANA CONTRERAS 4. FOOTBALL PRACTICE: PLAYBOY Romania models on the field and in the locker-room 5. MATCH POINT: KATARINA JOVANOVIĆ
SuperHuman by steven kotler photography courtesy of red bull
EXTREME ATHLETES ACROSS ALL DISCIPLINES PERFORM FEATS THAT WERE UNIMAGINABLE JUST 10 YEARS AGO. WITH NO MARGIN FOR ERROR, IT’S EITHER PERFECTION OR DEATH. THE SCIENCE AND STRANGE SANITY OF THE NEW… SUPERHUMAN.
e like our geniuses a certain way. If they are scientifically minded, we prefer them wild coiffed, calculation spouting, so far beyond the confines of standard intelligence that only exotic metaphors apply. If they are artistic, we like them exiled on Main Street, melancholy and misanthropic, occasionally drug addled, often drunk. If they are rich geniuses, we prefer them to have begun poor. If they are poor geniuses, we want them once rich and now, having lost it all, ferociously staging a come-back. What we don’t desire is genius naked, spread-eagled and 40 feet off the ground – but that is where this story begins. The year is 1993. A 23-year-old skier named Shane McConkey put on quite a show at the Crested Butte Extremes. Steve Winter, who runs the ski-filmmaking company Matchstick Productions, was impressed enough to invite McConkey to film with Matchstick after the event. 26
During that session, the first thing they did was hike out to a cliff band in the Colorado backcountry. Winter set up a camera below a large cornice. McConkey hiked to the top. There was a countdown – “Three, two, one, dropping” – and McConkey dropped, all right. His goal appeared to be a double backflip, but two things should be mentioned: The first is that back in 1993 no one was throwing double backflips and certainly not off 40-foot cornices. The second: neither was McConkey. “Shane did one and a half rotations and landed on his head,” says Winter. “We were all thinking the same thing: Holy shit, this guy’s gonna kill himself.” A lot of things can help a big-mountain skier’s career – being stupid in the backcountry is not among them. “There are a lot of unexpected risks out there,” says Winter. “The last thing we want is some kook going crazy for the camera. But Shane McConkey demonstrates how he conquered mountains – on skis and with wings. Shane kept demanding a second shot at the double backflip. We kept trying to talk him out of it – saying the cliff’s not big enough, he didn’t have the trick down, there was no way to get enough speed.” McConkey wasn’t hearing any of it. He stomped off and hiked up. Winter stayed below. He had a bad feeling in his stomach. Above him, out of sight, McConkey got ready. Winter heard the countdown. That’s when it happened: McConkey blazed off the cliff wearing nothing but his skis and boots. He did not throw a backflip. He threw what would soon become his signature: a giant, naked spread eagle. “What can I say?” says Winter. “It was fucking genius.”
SHANE McCONKEY A film on Shane McConkey’s life recently debuted. Watch the trailer here: http://youtu.be/pelGCbQd4n8
Genius? Really? According to the dictionary, genius is defined as “an exceptional natural capacity of intellect, especially as shown in creative and original work in science, art, music, etc.” But that doesn’t help us much in athletics, especially when the sports in question are of the action-adventure variety. What does genius look like when snowboarding? What does creativity mean for a skydiver? How can we tell if a particular surfer is doing original work when the proof of that work vanishes with the crashing of a wave? We can at least agree that genius begins with feats of mental greatness. The thinking needs to be novel, so the results need to be beyond what most can envision. Because it takes courage to push past the confines of culture, the thinking must also be brave. Because
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Ian Walsh paddles in for the 2011 Billabong XXL Big Wave: http://youtu.be/EiSHXgrJA-E 27
Schalk Burger Made his debut against Georgia in 2003 at the Rugby World Cup and has since carved out a name as one of the best flankers in the world with solid performances in the Super 12, Tri-Nations and Currie Cup. Burger plays club rugby for the Stormers and Western Province.
Charlotte Dutton British Junior Champion Snowboarder. Currently 2nd in Senior Championships. She has a clothing line named Misticon.
Player Profile Jacques de Villiers James Cracknell: British Rowing South African Rugby Champion and double Olympic Gold Captain, part of the medallist and adventurer. Awarded the South African World OBE in 2004 for services to sport. Cup winning team in 2007.
Andrew Hagen Up and coming Trail Runner from Jonkershoek Valley, Western Cape. Listed in Top 100 Trail Runners in SA. One of only two runners to have got under five hours in the Three Peaks Trail Run.
PATRICK RYAN BIO
he impact that photography, photographers and cinema had on me as a child was very profound, out of which surged a long love-affair of creating challenging visual imagery within the transparent balance of investigation, creativity and commercial photography that makes up the world of the professional photographer. Whether this has influenced how I see the world, I am not sure, but I do know I strive to practice daily, the art of dynamism in my life and career. After assisting several photographers and advertising photographers, notably photographer Warren Du Preez, I set out on my own in commercial photography. I found that my background in Graphic Design, assisting photographers, learning to print under a master printer in London and the arrival of Photoshop has given me the ability to carry a strong signature
Francois Pienaar South African Rugby Captain. He led SA to victory in the 1995 World Rugby Cup.
through my work as a professional photographer, from concept to final print. The practice of creating imagery and a thorough knowledge of commercial photography as well as the creative and post-production process has seen me work with advertising agencies and magazines in both hemispheres, whilst winning a few awards along the way. This is proving invaluable in my current personal projects. The first being a long-term study the beauty of horses and the second a portrait and documentary series capturing my time as a volunteer wildfire fire-fighter in the VWS. This angle on my work and life has truly become my passion now and I am hoping to evolve the photographic series on wildfire fire-fighting into a documentary film. I have found my career as a photographer both rewarding and challenging. I hope you enjoy my work"
Graeme Smith South African Cricket Captain. He appeared in his 100th Test against England on 19 July 2012. He captained his 100th career Test match on 1 February 2013, against Pakistan, on his 32nd birthday.
by charl du plessis photography courtesy of flowsa illustration by neil phyfer
SHANE WARNE 20QUESTIONS QUESTIONSJO-ANN STRAUSS 20
hane Warne was selected as one of the five Wisden Cricketers of the Century (the only bowler) and was likely the reason why the 1990s golden era of Aussie cricket could break the iron-grip that West Indian fast bowlers had exerted on the game throughout the prior decade. Through most of his career, Warne was seen as the enfant terrible of international cricket. If not caught smoking, drinking, sexting and cheating, or falling foul on illegal substances or caught up in the murky background of cricket match-fixing, he would be mouthing off against his opponents on-field. As recently as September 2011, PLAYBOY South Africa had no qualms about including Warne as one of our Bad Boyzz of Sports, along with the likes of Wayne Rooney, John Terry, Joost van der Westhuizen and Tiger Woods. But, this is no longer the same Shane Warne that we met in Camps Bay recently. Q1 Are wedding bells with English actress Liz Hurley in the air? Well, we got engaged a while ago, for all the obvious reasons, but also because we wanted our children to know that we have fallen in love and want to spend the rest of our lives together and that we are serious about this. But, no, we do not have a set date yet for any wedding bells, although we would definitely love to do so in 2013. Q2 With Liz, was it the bad boy image, the cricket skills, the new hair or that Aussie sophistication that landed the beautiful actress? Ah, a combination of all of the above. I suppose our lives are very similar, even though one is in sport and one in entertainment. We are both very dedicated to our careers, and to our children, and I think when we met at the Goodwood Races in June 2010 we just hit it off straight away because we live in such similar worlds and can relate to one another. We were both still in relationships but once those had ended we saw how our relationship was gonna go. Q3 On whose side will she be when the Ashes are played this year? Liz is not really the sporting fan, although she used to love that thing where little Russians Olympians bow, uhm gymnastics. But since we have gotten together she has taken a liking to cricket. We try and support each other where we can. I must say that she shows a lot of respect for the fact that my life has been shaped by cricket and she has a genuine interest in the game. She is always asking a lot of questions about the game. That is quite nice. But, we share a lot more than sport and are on the same wavelength. We are parents, we have our careers, our businesses, and we have also become best friends over the last years, which I suppose, at the end of the day, is what really counts.
Q4 You’ve been involved with professional poker for a while now as well, but you’re so emotive, do you ever manage to actually win a hand? Well, the best result I actually had was to come second in a high-rollers tournament in Melbourne about eight months ago. That was in a field of about 100 players. My best result in the World Series of Poker (WSOP), played by between 7,000-8,000 players, was when I came 702nd. They paid 696, which means I just missed what they call “the bubble.” It’s like making a test hundred. It’s a bit of respect, like when you sit at a table and they ask about your best result and you say, “I have made the money.” Last year I got a lot of TV time and people could see I could bluff a lot. I am not sure if it’s good or bad but it was important that people could see I can bluff. I'll tell you the reason why I love it. The WSOP is about 5-10 days. This is not gambling. Tournament poker is actually a game of skill. You all put in the same money and you all get the same chips, and whoever has the chips at the end wins. What you have to do at the table is to read people, to work out pot-odds, position, probability; so there is a lot of basic mathematics that come with the reading of people. I think that is the reason why I like it, because I am very competitive, and then, math was the only thing I was pretty good at while at school. I even did a semester of accounting. Through cricket I had to learn how to read situations, read plays, and develop patience. Test cricket takes several days and long days at that. So I think my cricket has actually helped my poker. Q5 How is poker different from cricket? There are actually more similarities than differences, as I just said. The other thing about poker is that it is a lot about timing. It is not about getting lucky, but rather about not getting unlucky and there is a big difference. Like falling out
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in the WSOP, I had a pair of tens and the other guy a pair of eights, on a pack of 52. So, there were only two eights left in the pack, yet he hit it on the last card. That is getting unlucky. Q6 Do you consider yourself lucky? I consider myself very lucky but I also make the most of my opportunities. I have been lucky in life and when I take a bad beating on the poker table I might not take it well at the time, but if you put it into perspective, it’s actually ok. My outlook on poker is that it is about fun. Of course, I like to win and to be the very best player I can be, as with whatever I put my name to. I do consider myself very lucky. But I also had to work hard. I did not really live a very normal life growing up in Australia. My dad used to cut cane, fight in bars bare-knuckles, and he used to go up north to earn extra money. Then he got into insurances and financial planning, and if he wasn’t my dad I probably would have taken his advice. So, I did not really have a privileged upbringing. I worked at 40 Winks. I drove a truck. I worked in a jewelry factory making signet rings where you basically sit all day putting one sheet after the other in place to have the ring punched out. I delivered pizzas on a Friday night. I started working at the age of 16. I also worked really hard at my sport. I also played just below the level of professional football for about three years until I got a letter saying I was not good enough. So, I went to England to play some cricket and basically 12 months later I was playing for Australia. I was lucky being in the right place in the right time. Everything in the eighties was about West Indian quickies and because I bowled spin, people thought that was one way of taking them on. I was also lucky in that the selectors stuck with me when I did not do very well in my first games, and I’d like to think I have repaid their faith over the years.
photography by gerald johnson
compiled by tanya goodman
SPORTS SUPERSTARS The PLAYBOY Interview has a long and respected legacy. Starting in 1962, future Pulitzer Prize-winning author Alex Haley sat down with jazz musician Miles Davis for what would become an institution of American journalism. PLAYBOY recently celebrated the Interview’s 50th anniversary, and in honor of this sports-themed edition, we gathered together some of the best of the best of PLAYBOY interviews with sports icons. Here they talk about their careers, whether they have sex before the big day, and how they’d like to be remembered.
ON PAIN “There are different kinds of suffering. There’s the kind you get when your tank is empty and you look up and see 100 guys in front of you. That’s devastating. That’s just rusty pain. But when you’re hurting and you hear on the radio that you’ve got 10 seconds on your biggest rival, and now it’s 20 seconds, or as in 2001 two minutes on Ullrich – that’s a true sporting high. You’re numb to pain. You can’t feel the lactate in your muscles, and you just go faster and faster.” ON FEAR “Two things scare me. The first is getting hurt. But that’s not nearly as scary as the second, which is losing. If you’re caught behind a crash in a windy section with 50 guys in a pile in front of you – game over.” ON USING STEROIDS “When baseball players were charged with using steroids, what was their defense? Nothing. Saying ‘It’s not true.’
Whereas my defense is hundreds of drug controls, at races and everywhere else. The testers could roll up here right this minute. They knocked on my door in Austin last week. In a way it’s the ultimate in Big Brother, having to declare where you are 365 days a year so they can find you and test you. But those tests are my best defense.”
photography by mizuno
Controversial racing cyclist LANCE ARMSTRONG, interviewed by Kevin Cook in the June 2005 issue.
ON THE YELLOW JERSEY “You get a new yellow jersey every day, but I like to keep wearing the first one. It feels better once you break it in, like a favorite old T-shirt you’ve worn a thousand times. On the last day I’ll take it off and save it. All six of my last-day jerseys are up on my wall. If they weren’t glassed in, they’d be stinky. You can ask for extras, they know you’ll give a few away. Maybe I shouldn’t say, but I’ve got about 400 of them.” ON SEX BEFORE A RACE “It’s safe to say there’s very little sex going on during the Tour de France, if any. Coaches and team directors would prefer you didn’t have sex all year.” 32
FOR THE FULL 2005 INTERVIEW SEE OUR PREMIUM DIGITAL EDITION
Wrestler turned actor, DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON, interviewed by Michael Fleming for the March 2005 issue. ON KISSING A MAN [IN A MOVIE ROLE] “It would depend on a few variables. What kind of toothpaste is he using? Is he ruggedly handsome like me? Does he have nice lips? Then he might have a shot. A wise man once told me that a warm pair of lips is a warm pair of lips.” ON LOVE SCENES [IN A MOVIE ROLE] “I like to think the vicarious thrill that comes with doing love scenes with gorgeous actresses is one of the spoils of being a leading man. No complaints, but it is awkward with 100 people standing around. Most of the crew will look away during love scenes, but you know a couple of freaks will be staring, hoping to see a nipple or something.” ON BEING A GOOD ACTOR “My goal was always to get better with every movie and one day become really good. And always to be honest with myself. It’s a progression in confidence. I’ve surrounded myself with good actors and directors who will help me raise my game. I have driven people crazy by being a complete sponge on the set. I’ve worked with very good acting coaches. I now Grand Prix Racing champion JACKIE STEWART, interviewed by Larry DuBois for the June 1972 issue.
photography by sergio hernandez
ON THE DEVIL-MAY-CARE ATTITUDE “It may be that way even in the minds of the drivers, but it’s probably even more so
understand exactly what I want to do with my character in a scene and that I have to execute and own it on the day.” ON CHOOSING BETWEEN WRESTLING AND ACTING “I grew up in wrestling. I am proud that my grandfather and dad wrestled. But when I filmed The Scorpion King I worked through the week, and on Sunday I would fly somewhere to do Raw or a pay-per-view. I had no days off, and it almost killed me. I wanted to give 110 percent to acting, and after that I realized I’d have to choose.” ON TEENAGE ANGST “[My anger] wasn’t like a blackout. The thing is, I never started trouble, but I had no problem finishing it. And I was with the wrong crowd when I was younger. It’s a good thing we left Hawaii. I wasn’t getting arrested in college, but I kept getting into fights. I fought my own teammates. Kevin Patrick – who I’m good friends with today – I tried to pull his tongue out. I don’t advise that, because tongues are very slippery. You can’t get a good grip.” ON LOOKING GOOD “I get up at 5:30 every morning and train for an hour or more. I love that. I watch my diet, too, though I am a big junk food junkie. I don’t fuck around. One day a week I'll eat two large pizzas and two dozen doughnuts. But to do
that you have to train religiously so your metabolism is conditioned enough that when you eat that stuff, the carbs, fat and sugar get absorbed. If I kept eating pizza and doughnuts on the second and third days, that would be trouble.” ON TATTOOS “In Polynesian culture tattooing is a big emotional and spiritual thing. This is not some anchor with my wife’s name wrapped around it or a heart with a dagger through it. It’s meaningful because you’re telling your story. I have a Polynesian warriors face that covers my heart. My life, struggles, loyalties and family are here. My daughter is here, my ancestors. God is here.”
in the minds of the beholders. If that’s the case, perhaps that’s why we get such big crowds around the world. And so many attractive women! So don’t knock that image. Let’s build it up.”
outside, as though I’m no longer a part of my body. But this is an acquired talent it’s taken a long time to perfect, and it helps me immensely.”
ON NEW RACE CAR DRIVERS “Motor racing today is just so damned competitive, the technology is so advanced and the stakes are so high that there isn’t much room for dilettantes anymore. The cars are so evenly matched now that if a driver thinks he can play at his racing, he’s going to get beaten, and beaten badly.“
But by the time the race actually starts, I see things through absolutely cold, crystal-clear eyes, without fear or apprehension.
ON BEING NERVOUS “Of course I am [nervous], and the intensity of the nervousness is like that of a person about to go in for major surgery. But by the time the race actually starts, I see things through absolutely cold, crystal-clear eyes, without fear or apprehension of any kind. It’s a strange feeling, a feeling of being totally removed from the scene and looking at it from the
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ON WINNING A RACE “My reaction [at first] is totally neutral. Because I’ve numbed my whole mental and physical being into nonexistence, when I finish a race, my mind is still numb. I’m still not allowing my sensations to enjoy themselves, and that’s why I operate well under strain and pressure. It takes me a couple of days to feel I’ve really won and at that point I feel a tremendous high of personal achievement. But at the end of a race, I’m just glad it’s over.”
The Fighter by steve oney photography by matthias clamer
HERSCHEL WALKER FOUGHT HIS WAY TO THE TOP IN FOOTBALL. HE FOUGHT HIS WAY OUT OF MENTAL ILLNESS. AND NOW – AT NEARLY 50 – HE WANTS TO CONQUER THE OCTAGON. MAKES SENSE.
n a hot summer afternoon, Herschel Walker, wearing a Best Damn Sports Show T-shirt and Clinch board shorts, strides into the 2,500-square-foot main room of the American Kickboxing Academy in San Jose, California. At six-foot-one and 219 pounds, he is, in a word even his friends use to describe him, a freak – a magnificent physical anomaly. Walker’s trapezius muscles flare above his shoulders like the wings of an avenging angel – one who happens to have a 21inch neck, a 48-inch chest and just 2.4 percent body fat. His 33-inch waist, the result of the 3,500 sit-ups he has done each day since he was a teenager, is essentially nonexistent, a mere transition
to his 25-inch thighs. Open-faced and handsome with an easy smile, strong nose and tiny ears set far back, Walker appears to be ageless. That, however, is not so. In a few months he will turn 50. Between 12 and two every Monday through Friday, the red tatami-mattextured floor of the kickboxing academy is the scene of a mixed martial arts workout that Walker, who knows something about the subject (1,000 push-ups have also long been part of his daily regimen), calls “without a doubt the hardest training I’ve ever done.” MMA demands excellence in half a dozen disciplines – among them boxing, wrestling, jujitsu, judo and Muay Thai boxing. The sport likewise requires absolute cardiovascular fitness,
and sessions conclude with set after set of sprints and bear crawls. First and foremost, however, it is about fighting, and fighting is what this temple to MMA stresses above all else. As Walker squares off against a light heavyweight named Kyle Kingsbury, he is surrounded by the best of the best. In one corner Cain Velasquez, MMA’s premier heavyweight, grapples with up-and-comer Mark Ellis, a 2009 NCAA Division I wrestling champion. In another corner Josh Thomson, a standout MMA lightweight, rolls with the highly ranked Josh Koscheck. Elsewhere Daniel Cormier, an erstwhile Olympic wrestler, and Luke Rockhold, a vaunted contender, practice holds and parry blows. In this arena the most dangerous fighters in the world
regularly butt heads. Walker, the former tailback who led the University of Georgia to the NCAA football championship in 1980, won the Heisman Trophy and went on to a storied 15-year pro career (mostly with the Dallas Cowboys), first walked into the American Kickboxing Academy just two years ago. “He came to the gym very accomplished in other areas,” says Bob Cook, who has trained Walker from the start and stands at the edge of the room, watching him work. “But he had a beginner’s attitude. He got here early, stayed late and mopped the floors afterward. Never has there been a time he has taken the easy route. If we run sprints, box five rounds and wrestle 30 minutes, he never opts out. Some people come in and say, ‘Don’t punch me in the face.’ Herschel came in with a fighter’s attitude. He’s been punched plenty in the face.” “I’d rate Herschel today at a midrange pro level, and that’s a high compliment,” adds AKA founder and proprietor Javier Mendez, who kneels alongside Cook. “He’s the strongest man I’ve ever worked with, and his striking and grappling were always good. But his wrestling and jujitsu are now at another level. He’s worked hard to learn them.” Walker has also worked hard to dispel doubts expressed by some in the MMA hierarchy. The sport, though not officially organized until 1993 (until then it was little evolved from the unregulated “tough guy” matches of an earlier era) and not sanctioned by a state athletic board until 2000, has quickly developed a fierce, well-informed following and a proud lore. Dana White, president of Ultimate Fighting Championship, MMA’s top promotion company, scoffed, “He’s too old for football but thinks he’s young enough to fight? Fighting is a young man’s sport. You need speed, agility and explosiveness – all that goes with age.” For Walker, such cracks, in a friend’s words, “were like lighter fluid.” In his professional MMA debut in 2010, Walker defeated the relatively untested Greg Nagy in three rounds by a technical knockout. In January 2011, against the far tougher Scott Carson, who boasted a 4–1 record and who is a protégé of UFC stalwart Chuck Liddell, Walker scored a more impressive victory. After absorbing a vicious kick to the face in the contest’s opening seconds, he took Carson to the ground with a ferocious left and then pummeled him with a flurry of knees to the ribs and punches to the head that caused the referee to call the contest
before the first round had concluded. Skeptics still abound, pointing out that Walker’s fighting style is basic and safe. “He’s not the alpha male yet,” says one. “He’s about controlling the opponent and staying out of trouble.” Still, those who have followed his progress believe he is becoming an undeniable force. “It’s crazy to see how good he’s gotten,” says Velasquez, who bested the formidable Brock Lesnar in 2010 to win the UFC’s heavyweight belt. Although 20 years younger than Walker, Velasquez has functioned as the older man’s mentor, teaching him how to plot strategy and avoid the brutal knee and arm bars that can prompt even the greatest to submit, or tap out. “He’s picked up the game fast. He just has to keep building.” Now, in the stultifying steam bath that is July in central California, Walker is
He came to the gym very accomplished in other areas… But he had a beginner’s attitude. He got here early, stayed late and mopped the floors afterward. Never has there been a time he has taken the easy route.”
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preparing for a third fight. His opponent has yet to be named, but the unanimous opinion is that the match will present a huge step up in difficulty. “They’ll pick somebody tough,” says Mendez. “They’ll elevate the level of competition. He’s going to face someone much more experienced than the last guy. It’s going to take Herschel being here every day for three months to get ready, but once he makes up his mind, that’s what he’ll do. He doesn’t mess around.” Even so, Walker acknowledges how unlikely it all is. “What am I doing in there running around with those 20-yearolds?” he asks as he emerges into the AKA lobby, sweat pouring from his face, brow furrowed. For a serious man, the softspoken ex–NFL star is not without a sense of absurdity. “Am I really 50? It’s weird.” To those who have known Herschel Walker through the years, it is not surprising he has decided to plunge into a sport in which there are no pads, pain can be inflicted in a dizzying number of ways and the playing field is an unforgiving fenced enclosure known as “the cage.” Vince Dooley, Walker’s coach at the University of Georgia, recalls that on Sundays during the college football season, a day when most players were too sore from Saturday’s game to crawl out of bed, Walker would attend tae kwon do classes. “I’ve never seen anything like it,” says Dooley. Michael Irvin, Walker’s Dallas Cowboys teammate and now an analyst for the NFL Network, says, “When Herschel was the baddest motor scooter on earth, he’d say, ‘I want to fight Mike Tyson.’ I’d say, ‘Herschel, do you know what that guy does to people? Let’s just beat the Redskins next week.’ But he believed he could beat Tyson. MMA is par for the course for him.” Troy Aikman, the Cowboys quarterback during Walker’s final seasons in Dallas and now a broadcaster for Fox, also believes his former teammate’s latest incarnation is apt. “When Herschel decided to get into it,” he says, “an acquaintance of mine involved in MMA told me he didn’t give him a chance. I replied, ‘I’ve seen enough of this guy over the years that I wouldn’t bet against him on anything.’ He’s highly driven. He doesn’t take on anything halfheartedly. He runs a heck of a lot hotter than people realize. He’s a killer.” Walker’s rationale for entering the world of MMA is not what many may imagine. “People think I’m doing this for
RACING THE WIND by tanya goodman
AMERICA’S CUP 2013
he America’s Cup yacht race is skilled round-the-world sailors, you know one of the most spectacular on this is a true test of mettle. Even more so the racing calendar, pitting nerves is the battle fought behind the scenes by of steel, technological prowess, the tycoons of business and industry – big egos, and even bigger wallets flamboyant, outspoken and demanding against each other. The race has a long legacy, characters who are often successful in being the oldest trophy in international sport their career, but rarely successful in the as it was first contested in 1851 and therefore America’s Cup. The battle, on stage and off, pre-dates the modern Olympics by 45 years. is worth watching. Check it out here: Only four different nations have held the www.americascup.com. trophy during all this time. And it’s been three years since ORACLE TEAM USA took the win, THE CHALLENGERS in February 2010. For these guys, keeping The challenging teams for the 34th America’s the win has been all they’ve thought about Cup are formidable; as strong a group as any since then. So, when they go up against the Defender has faced since the beginning of the Challenger in September this year, you know multi-challenger era of the Cup in 1970. it’ll be one helluva race. Artemis Racing, the Swedish Challenger To promote the event, a series of regattas of Record, is led by CEO Paul Cayard, have been underway, called the America’s among the most experienced and decorated Cup World Series, with season 1 having sailors of his generation. Cayard is a veteran featured six regattas in Europe and the US, campaigner who knows the Cup game as from August 2011 to July 2012, and season well as anyone. Skipper Terry Hutchinson 2 having begun in San Francisco and just takes an all-star line-up on the water with concluded in Italy. In these events, teams him each time he races; his Artemis crew race the AC45 catamarans, somewhat smaller is talented, experienced, and boasts a wide versions of the AC72 which they will race range of achievements from Olympic medals, in the big event. ORACLE TEAM USA took to round the world race campaigns. The team the 2011-2012 season title, and there was a was the first to unveil one of the towering fantastic battle for the second season's trophy wing sails for the AC72, but suffered a in Naples. But the major draw card is still a setback when the wing collapsed during an few months away. early testing session. For the ultimate event at the America’s Emirates Team New Zealand is the longest Cup finals in September, organizers have continuously running America’s Cup team and changed the format in a number of ways. is arguably the most successful sailing team in The finals, for example, will be the first held existence. The Kiwis won the Cup in 1995 and in confined waters, in San Francisco Bay. It lost it in 2003 (following a successful defense will pit the winner of the Louis Vuitton Cup in 2000). They have since bounced back to (the America’s Cup Challenger Series), also to win just about every event they have entered, be held in San Francisco between 4 July and including the Med Cup, the Louis Vuitton 30 August, against ORACLE TEAM USA, the Trophy and the 2007 Louis Vuitton Cup, after current Defender. which they only narrowly lost the America’s This will also be the first time the race will Cup Match in Valencia. Skipper Dean Barker feature multihulls as opposed to monohulls. has assembled a crew who work well together, The AC72 is the new class rule developed while Managing Director Grant Dalton has specifically for the 34th America’s Cup and ensured the team has the resources it needs measures 72 feet long and 46 feet wide and is to succeed. The Emirates team was the first to powered by a wing sail standing 131 feet tall. launch and sail an AC72 catamaran. Basically, this means that the speed potential Luna Rossa Challenge is led by the of the AC72 is up to four times faster than irrepressible Patrizio Bertelli, the owner of the 80-foot monohulls previously used in Prada. This is his fourth challenge for the the competition, as recently as 2007. It also America’s Cup and despite a late entry the means that these yachts can sail at speeds Luna Rossa team has been strong in its first in excess of 45 knots (51 m/h/82 km/h). The AC World Series events. Italian skipper Max AC72s are designed and built according Sirena leads a team that includes helmsmen to the “box rule,” which places minimum Chris Draper and Paul Campbell-James, and maximum restrictions on key design two Britons with a record of success in fast, parameters. But as long as you stay within light boats like the new AC catamarans. SEE PR EMIUM these criteria, the sky is the limit. Bertelli has also cannily arranged a working The physical challenge the new design relationship with Emirates Team New Zealand EDITIO places on the crews is immense as they that allowed the Italians to access the Kiwi N FOR EX balance the need for speed against the designs for their AC72, thus offsetting their TRA CONTE need for control in an effort to complete late start, and the two teams are expected to NT the racecourse. With a crew of 11, many of train together over the northern hemisphere whom are Olympic competitors or highly winter in New Zealand.
FIRST PL ACE
THE MCLAREN P1
he astonishing new McLaren P1 is designed to be the best driver’s car in the world on road and track. To achieve this objective, McLaren is using all of its 50 years of racing experience and success, especially in the fields of aerodynamics and lightweight carbon fibre technology. The McLaren P1 is very much an engineering-led design where form follows function and nothing is superfluous. Everything is designed for a reason, as with a Formula 1 car.
FIRST PLACE Working closely with Chief Design Engineer Dan Parry-Williams, Design Director Frank Stephenson explains: “I wanted to take out as much visual weight as possible, to have a car that was really lean; a car with absolutely no fat between the mechanicals and the skin. It’s as though we stuck a tube inside and sucked all the air out, a dramatic honest shape but also a very beautiful one.” The result is a car that has an unprecedented amount of downforce
by tanya goodman
for a road vehicle; similar levels to a GT3 racing car and yet with even greater ground effect. This downforce not only boosts cornering and braking performance, but also helps balance, stability and driveability at all speeds. And yet the McLaren P1 retains luxury features such as full climate control, satellite navigation and a bespoke sound system. Production will be capped at 375 units, ensuring the McLaren P1 will be a rare, though unforgettable sight when spotted on the road.
To be the “best driver’s car in the world,” the vehicle must have exceptional straight-line performance, instant throttle response and low emissions. To deliver this, the McLaren P1 uses an innovative IPAS (Instant Power Assist System) petrol-electric powertrain comprising a substantially revised 3.8-litre twin-turbo V8 petrol engine, coupled to a single electric motor, collectively known as M838TQ. As important as absolute power is the electric motor’s ability to provide instant torque, making the powertrain superbly responsive. The car can be driven in a variety of modes, powered solely by the electric motor, or using a combination of the two. Maximum power comes when using both engines together, but even in E-mode the performance is strong. “It’s pretty cool to turn up, silently, in a million dollar McLaren,” notes Paul Mackenzie, Project Director on the McLaren P1. Carbon dioxide emissions are less than 200g/km, and it can cover more than 10 km in electric-only mode. 38
The incredibly low rear and pronounced rear haunches highlight the “shrink wrapped” design and efficient packaging. Importantly, the design gives superb airflow to the large adjustable rear wing. The shape of the whole body, and the sculpted doors in particular, are clearly shaped by the path of the air flowing over and around the car.
The adjustable rear wing can extend from the bodywork by 120mm on road, up to 300mm on the race track, maximising the levels of downforce. The wing is directly inspired by Formula 1 design, with the intersection of the double element rear wing and design of the endplates being the same as that on the 2008 championship winning MP4-23. McLaren Racing’s former head of Formula 1 aerodynamics, and now head of vehicle technology, Simon Lacey, was responsible for developing its optimal level of aerodynamic performance. “The levels of downforce produced actually makes driving easier as well as faster,” says Lacey. “As you build your speed, you actually feel you have greater control as the levels of downforce increase the car’s grip on the track.”
Wind tunnel testing and CFD (computational fluid dynamics) aerodynamic modelling were used to optimise the aerodynamic flow, both to provide incredible levels of downforce and to cool the powertrain.
Top speed is electronically limited to 350 km/h (217 mph), with the 0-100 km/h standing start acceleration taking less than three seconds .The McLaren P1 will power from rest to 200 km/h in less than seven seconds, and on to 300 km/h in less than 17 seconds – a full five seconds quicker than the McLaren F1. 39
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by luk a
JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE THE 20/20 EXPERIENCE The much anticipated follow up to Justin Timberlake’s 2006 single-heavy FutureSex/ LoveSounds seemingly seeks to tug at the coat-tails of Frank Ocean’s innovative and brilliant channel ORANGE. Probably Timberlake’s most ambitious album to date, The 20/20 Experience is certainly his longest; even ardent detractors must be intrigued by the extreme song lengths on the album. This is not a prog-rock album, right? So what does an eight-minute Justin Timberlake song sound like? Well... stretched. Inspired by classic rock, Timberlake decided to ignore radio airplay convention (props!), add a progressive structure to pop (ummm…), and synthesise a very complex neo soul album (no, wait, back up). Simply put, even Timbaland’s production cannot fill these lengths with enough musicality to maintain that kind of interest. And to be honest Timbaland’s soundcard is starting to stale. One of the biggest reasons 20/20 sounds stretched and thin is the minimal bass on the record. It just is not as pronounced as it should be on a pop album, and on some tracks it is downright inaudible. Timberlake himself sounds sincere as always, as he did in ‘N Sync. The lyrics are cheap and lazy, though: “All pressed up in black and white/ And you’re dressed in that dress I like.” There are a few cool tracks, and others sound like they could be if they were shorter. Instead it sounds rushed, mangled, and tiresome.
ERIC CLAPTON OLD SOCK You will be forgiven if you mistake Eric Clapton’s new album for the soundtrack to the new instalment of Toy Story. There is not much wrong with that; Randy Newman’s Toy Story theme, “You Got A Friend In Me,” has become a classic, and the man himself was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame last month. Eric Clapton, however, has already been inducted into the Hall of Fame three times. Eric Clapton is a bluesman, albeit one who, at this time, sounds positively over the moon. We don’t like that. Old Sock has a lot of blues on it, but there’s just too much doo-woop, too much springy, right-hand-side piano, and too much coconut-cocktail reggae to call his 20th solo LP a blues record. Old Sock continues where 2010’s Clapton left off, with Clapton dishing out standards and personal favourites that he listened to while growing up; essentially taking his music full circle. Furthermore, Clapton has separated with Universal and signed with indie label, Surfdog (the title of which explains more about Old Sock than this review could ever hope to do). Look, the fact of the matter is that Clapton is pushing 70 and simply does not give a shit whether you like this album or not. With his touring days winding down, and Slowhand getting even slower, Clapton is simply recording, playing and singing what he feels like. And we like that.
HOW TO DESTROY ANGELS WELCOME OBLIVION For anyone who has watched Dave Grohl’s Sound City documentary, they will remember the uncompromising approach Trent Reznor has to music. If anyone can breathe life into digital sound, it is the Reznor. Now, many of his fans will be anticipating the relaunch of Nine Inch Nails, announced early this year, but before that happens, we have How To Destroy Angels. Somewhat of a supergroup, it is, in essence, a side project. Reznor teams up with his wife, singer Mariqueen Maandig, his David Fincher cohort and fellow composer, Atticus Ross (who teamed up with Reznor for the soundtracks to The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and The Social Network), and renowned visual designer Rob Sheridan. Welcome Oblivion is the group’s début LP, and it says something about subtlety. The ambient, quiet record, no doubt the afterbirth of the Fincher sessions, is unnerving at times, yet warm and unassuming. Processed in all-digital, the songs build up and fall through scenic dreamscape, and Maandig’s lead vocals are interwoven between complex digital effects and though, at times warped, remain consistently pleasant. Reznor is known for his incredible ability to juxtapose tense digital manipulations with beautiful melody, and this is heard throughout Welcome Oblivion. It’s a wonderfully tippy, lights-out album that will leave you curious for more. 40
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FADE IN by adam tschorn
photography by rylan perry •illustrations by elisabeth moch
efore we bust out the scissors, let’s talk terminology. A “fade” haircut is one in which the hair at the sides and back of the head is cut very short – usually short enough to see the skin underneath – with the hair gradually decreasing (i.e., fading) in length, starting out long at the top of the head and ending up short near the ears and nape of the neck. The fade can be traced back to the bons vivants of the Roaring Twenties, who made it the defining do of the decade. The style has been around
THE CUT Because the short hair on the sides doesn’t gradually blend into the much-longer hair on top, this style – recently repopularised by the band Arcade Fire and characters on Boardwalk Empire – is technically called an undercut. HOW TO ASK FOR IT “Use a number one clipper guard, then a number two all the way to the crown; leave the top heavy but even.”
ever since, cycling in popularity about every 30 years, most recently with barbers reporting an increased demand for the Darmody – a version worn by the eponymous character on HBO’s Boardwalk Empire. It’s obvious why the fade has never faded away: It’s easy to ask for and easy to take care of, and its endless variations fit almost every hair type and face shape. Although any barber worth his pole can make the fade fit what mother nature gave you, here’s what you need to know to look your dapper best.
THE CUT This is one of the most popular and versatile versions of the fade because of the not-so-severe scissored sides that make it appropriate for the office. Go David Beckham long or Adam Levine short. HOW TO ASK FOR IT “Make the sides short without using a clipper. Keep enough height so I can style it up, like a shorter James Dean cut.”
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LOOK OF LOVE
by chip rowe
LOOK OF LOVE
illustration by mirko ilic
SCIENTISTS WHO STUDY THE HUMAN MATING DANCE HAVE MADE STARTLING DISCOVERIES ABOUT HOW MEN CHOOSE AND ARE CHOSEN AS PARTNERS AND WHY, DESPITE OUR BETTER JUDGMENT, WE USUALLY STICK AROUND.
eil Strauss has a cool job (he profiles celebrities for thousands of men from around the globe. Strauss says he needed Rolling Stone, he helped porn star Jenna Jameson no further evidence of the power of this emerging social science write her autobiography) but is the first to admit he when, during the early days of his training, he picked up Playmate is no great looker. “My nose is too big for my face,” of the Year 2002 Dalene Kurtis in an Office Depot. he says, taking inventory. “My hair is thinning, which is why I shaved my head. My eyes are beady. I have indentations on either side of my forehead. I’m short, skinny and pale, and I slouch.” Strauss does have one thing going for him: a great personality. Really. We’re not just saying that. Ten years ago the writer met a magician named Mystery, who taught him how to Until about 40 years ago the textbook version of courtship was assert himself in the presence of a beautiful woman. aggressive male chases demure female. But in the early 1970s This isn’t an infomercial. It’s science. The Game, Strauss’s bestresearchers began to look at the reproductive dance more selling account of his two-year transformation, describes how he closely and noted that males of many species do not approach and other pickup artists (PUAs) manage, sometimes in a matter a female until they receive a sign that it is okay. (“When of hours, to overcome forces sculpted by the waters of millions women kiss,” HL Mencken once wrote, “it always reminds me of years of evolution. Given that an error in judgment has much of prizefighters shaking hands.”) Among pickup artists these more serious consequences for a woman than for a man (he has cues are known as pre-approach invitations. At the same time, an orgasm, she has a baby), the experiments have revealed that men female brain constantly reminds interpret many gestures by women her to be selective about who as signals even when they are not. A pickup artist (PUA) employs a variety accesses her reproductive organs. We are nothing if not optimistic: of charming techniques to convince a The pill changes the equation but Psychologist David Buss notes in woman he is the one guy in the room hasn’t been around long enough The Evolution of Desire that if even a who is not thinking with his dick. to alter this protective instinct. In tiny fraction of these misperceptions search of quality genes, a woman lead to sex, it’s easy to see how is drawn to the man in any group men could evolve to see signals who exhibits the highest status – the alpha male. everywhere. Sometimes you get lucky. However, Monica Moore, A PUA employs a variety of charming techniques to convince an evolutionary psychologist who has spent hundreds of hours a woman he is the one guy in the room who is not thinking with observing couples flirt, cautions men not to appear too eager. his dick. These include wearing with unusual confidence at least “You can almost never look at a single potential signal – for one piece of outlandish clothing (peacocking), mastering a few example, a flip of the hair – and say, ‘Oh, she’s interested,’ ” she conversation starters and party tricks, winning the admiration of says. “You need a lot of signals over time.” any men she’s with and playing hard to get so she sees him as a Many cues women send to express their interest appear to be prize. PUAs pride themselves on applying scientific discipline to the same the world over. For 37 years, starting in 1965, ethologist refining their strategies and pore over everything from academic Irenäus Eibl-Eibesfeldt of the Max Planck Institute near Munich papers to marketing manuals to romance novels for insights. shot footage of flirting and other social interactions in cultures both Innovative approaches are shared online, then tested by tens of primitive and modern. To ensure the encounters were unstaged
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illustration by owen smith
fiction by FX toole
hirty years and no champ, but the bell still keeps ringing in the dream I have every morning. It wakes me at 5:30, and I get up groggy and holding my head. You got to have the right boy to make a champion. But if you catch a break and get a kid who’s a champion outside the ring same as inside, when you got what I call a holy man, one who will sacrifice himself, then what you got is happy work and you ain’t tired all the time. Then Ernie Pescetti came along. I watched him come up as an amateur. Good-looking
EVERY TRAINER IS LOOKING FOR A FIGHTER, A MESSAIH, WHO WILL TAKE HIM TO THE PROMISED LAND boy, Ernie, strong, and white. His daddy’s still a stonemason back in Albany. Ernie is one of those light-skinned north Italian boys, straw-blond hair and blue eyes. He gets hit, or he slides along the ropes with his back, his skin turns red and streaky. Brothers in the gym saw that and started calling him Peachy, Peachy Pescetti. Ernie liked the name Peachy, specially when he put the brothers on their ass. Ernie turned pro and for a while did all right because he’s a big banger. But the trouble is, he got no class. You never saw a 46
stronger fighter at 147, but every punch is a hard punch, and you always know what’s coming. Just the same, he won his first 15 fights, 11 by KO. People were talking about him, watching him come along, and I said good for him. Except nobody in his corner had bothered to tell him that the guys in the other corner get better the more you move up in class. And that he best have more to his game than just moving in behind that big wide left hook of his. Seemed for a while like things was going dead right, but then the worst thing that can
FICTION FX TOOLE
happen to a LA fighter happened to Ernie. down the front of him. Stories keep getting She turns to Ernie. “Is he right or wrong?” It ain’t booze, or that shit, or the ladies. The worse about Ernie, and then somebody “I been running. I’m all the way down worst thing in Los Angeles is Hollywood. says that he’s in some high-ticket rehab from 178.” All of a sudden Ernie’s hanging with the center in Palm Springs. For two years, I asked him if he was drinking. Italian Hollywood tough guys, movie nobody hears nothing. Then one day, I see “I’m a AA recovering street alcoholic, heroes who act like fighters and fight like Ernie sticking his nose in the gym. He’s always will be, okay? Can’t have drugs, actors. This actor Vinnie Vincenzo gets all cleaned up, nice clothes, polite. To his can’t have one drink, not one, or I’m Ernie some little TV walk-ons and a movie credit, word was that he’s going to AA and puking on the street again. Come on, I bit part as a washed-up pug who cries. he’s got a job driving a delivery truck. want my name back.” They show him off at parties, some Then this tomato starts showing up with I had to whack him for turning his back. bitch wants to touch the slick skin around Ernie, and I noticed her watching me work “Why don’t you try the movies again?” his eyes. Everybody’s a fight fan all of a with my fighters. One day he introduced Ernie nodded, took my movie shot like he sudden, everybody’s telling Ernie he’s her to me, his sister Sophia, a looker, a had to take my tit shot. Sophia wasn’t sure. better than any of the old-time Italian broad you’d call refined, wears Frenchy“But you remember Ernie, right?” fighters. Better than Graziano, better than type clothes. They asked me to have dinner “I remember everybody.” Basilio, imagine. Ernie’s dick is hard. Next with them, that they want to talk. She says “What was wrong with him?” thing, he’s sticking that shit up his nose and to pick the place, so I say the Pantry, on “He could pitch, but he couldn’t catch. driving a silver BMW And it’s best if he don’t with the top down. stand there fighting with Word in the gym is his face, specially when that he’s into booze you got heart trouble.” Abdul jabs to the broken beak, and Ernie’s eyes fill more than he’s into that “I got heart!” Ernie with water from the sting. The jagged bone is slicing the shit, that starting at five said, firm. “What I been meat up there inside, and the nose starts squirting again. in the afternoon he’s through, I got heart!” doing double peppered I told Sophia that shooters of ice-cold talking heart wasn’t the 100-proof Stolichnaya. same as having heart. He’s dancing and Me telling her that didn’t screwing and sweating all night, sleeping Ninth and Fig. It’s a joint where they fry make Ernie love me, but what’s going till noon, thinks he don’t need roadwork, steaks on a griddle like in the Depression, on here is who’s the horse and who’s thinks he’s King Kong. Old-time fighters, and everything’s greasy. You get filled up the jockey. I asked Sophia who’s Ernie’s some of them, could stay in shape by and you stay filled up after a hard day. manager, and Ernie says she is. fighting every week or so. Today’s guys Sophia had trouble with the tough meat, “You get standard 10 percent off the top,” don’t fight half what the old guys did. But but she was a trouper and chewed longer. he said. they fight faster, they throw more punches. She said her last name was Pescetti“Ernie, no offense, but 10 percent of So conditioning today is even more Gottlieb, that she’s a teacher married to nothin’ is nothin’. I charge up front for shot important than before. some kind of a psycho doctor who wants fighters.” Ernie lost three of his next four fights, to help her work on Ernie’s self-esteem. I “I ain’t shot!” he said, getting red and the last two by KO. Worse than KO, ain’t impressed by broads with double last peachy-looking. the last one. He turned his back to his names, and this self-esteem business don’t “You think your sister can handle the opponent, which is to quit, which means blow my doors off. But she ain’t uppity, and deep end of the swamp, the slimy shit at he’s gone dog, and now the ref has to she looks like money, so my one good ear the bottom? That she can make deals that’ll stop it automatic. is open. Finally we get to it. move you, you think that? Then you got Once Ernie found out it ain’t no fun when She says, “What do you think of my her. But if you want me, I’m the managerthe rabbit’s got the gun, he saw he wasn’t brother making a comeback?” trainer. I get one third off the top – if there as good as he thought he was. He didn’t Straight out, I told her not much, told her ever is a top.” want to fight no more – it’s a common it’d be a long haul. “He’s strong, but he Sophia said, “I was going to let Ernie have thing. The Italians don’t take his calls no ain’t young no more.” it all after your 10 percent.” more. And now the bank comes for the car. “Hey, I’m only 28.” Ernie didn’t like her telling me that, but I He’s hurting for money, but the only guys Sophia’s the money, so I don’t pay him didn’t think he’d last, so I told her that the who want to fight him are ones who are 30 much mind. “See, starting all over at 28 and first thing was to find out if he had anything and 2 and looking for a stepping-stone or a all blown up like he is, he’s a old man in left. I told her I’d charge $200 a week for tune-up fight for a title shot. Forget shooters this game. Look at him. What you weigh, two hours a day, six days a week. I told her of Stolichnaya, now Ernie’s stumbling 160, 162? His fighting weight was 147.” nice-like if that was too much, then she around on half-pints of supermarket vodka. “I weigh 160.” should take Ernie back to Hollywood and After that, I didn’t think about Ernie. I told her, “Fighting at his age, if he’s start him dancing aerobics at 50 a hour. Besides, fighters change from week to already the champ, 28 ain’t old. Okay, so Sophia said, “What will you teach him week. It’s us trainers who are always the he used to hit hard. But with his habits, and that he doesn’t already know?” same. But every so often I hear something. with his tit, his chances are in the toilet. “I’ll teach him how to fight, that’s what,” I Somebody says Ernie’s begging at offSorry about my language.” said. “How to think and move in there. But ramps, somebody else says he’s a street “Don’t be. I appreciate your candor.” there’s more that you gotta pay.” drunk wearing one shoe and got puke Candor! I’m in love with this broad. I explained that boxing is business. To
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THE CASE AGAINST SKINNY JEANS, EXFOLIATING, AND BEING A “DUVA.” by lisa lampanelli
Lisa Lampanelli, am a life-long fan of men. Ever since I was in my second year in high school and found myself wishing Peter Frampton was fingering me like he fingered his Les Paul, I have loved the male gender. So I’m sure you’ll understand why I am worried about a current trend – a trend more disturbing than hipsters and TLC’s programming combined. I am, of course, referring to the demasculinization of men. Men, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you’ve turned into women. How? You now have style, and that needs to change. Style used to be the exclusive domain of women and gays. Go into any men’s store today and you’ll see rows of skinny jeans, shelf after shelf of ornate, shiny accessories and racks full of shirts so brightly colored and form-fitting that Richard Simmons wouldn’t be caught dead in them. Even worse, look behind the counters and you’ll see enough facial scrubs, body lotions and hair products to make Charles Bronson rise from the dead and beat his own ass with a sock full of change in disgust. How, oh how, did we get here? Men who used to barely scrub the dirt from under their fingernails now buy scrubs to cleanse their pores. Eyebrow shaping, exfoliating, capri pants – really, gentlemen? You “guys” may as well walk around wearing a scrunchie and a maxipad. Body hair, like Mel Gibson, has somehow become the enemy. A man’s hairy chest used to be a turn-on. In the 1970s Burt Reynolds was the ultimate sex symbol, with his shirt unbuttoned and that little tuft of hair sticking out. Now guys shave their chests so much, every time you touch one, it has more tiny pricks than the continent of Asia.
I, for one, don’t like it. I don’t want a man who’s prettier than I am any more than I want a personal trainer with a saggier ass or a pet dog with better breath. Perhaps this feminization of men has its roots in the rise of “gym culture.” Once guys started staring obsessing over how every inch of their body looked, vanity began running rampant, and the diva dude – the “duva,” if you will – was born. You’ve all seen that guy at the gym, dressed in his color-coordinated spandex workout clothes that are tighter than Bruce Jenner’s face. He gazes at himself in the mirror, and by that enamored look on his freshly facialed mug, you can just tell he’s dreaming of the day when science perfects cloning so he can put a roofie in his own drink and fuck himself silly.
I don’t want a man who’s prettier than I am any more than I want a personal trainer with a saggier ass…
Even worse are the guys with the skintight yoga pants. If you wear yoga pants, you may not be gay, but you’re definitely on the waiting list. Maybe that’s what upsets me about these guys. They’re straight, but they dress and groom like gay men. It seems dishonest. What you’re seeing is not what you’re getting. It’s like putting a nun’s habit on Lindsay Lohan. It’s like putting running shoes on Stephen Hawking. I like a guy who’s low maintenance. One of the perks of living with a man is that when we’re getting dressed 49
to go to a party, he can be ready in three minutes. But duvas need hours to get ready, and worse yet, they need an abundance of bathroom counter space. Beauty products for men are a lot like banjo music: A little goes a long way. And the last thing I need when I’m trying to put on mascara is to get elbowed by a duva trying to remove his exfoliating mask without ruining his manicure. This isn’t to say there’s no happy medium when it comes to grooming. Do ladies want guys to keep themselves up a little better? Of course we do. Do we want a guy who looks like Nick Nolte’s mug shot? Of course we don’t. Certain grooming habits are essential. Definitely wax your back and trim your balls – I do. Seriously, if you pull down your pants and it looks like Troy Polamula is stuck between your legs, we’ve got a problem. But don’t go too far. Nobody needs bald junk. Your penis already looks like it belongs to a baby. And, guys, please dress like a man. Your jeans should not be so tight I know your religion, and they shouldn’t cost more than a laptop. If it’s not snowing, you should not be wearing a scarf. It’s not 1963 and you’re not Art Garfunkel. Also, if you must wear a bracelet, make sure it’s made out of a precious metal. Rubber bracelets went out with Lance Armstrong’s Tour de France victories, and thread bracelets are for girls going to a Dave Matthews concert. So cancel your subscription to Men's Health, throw away your Nair for Men and kick those mandals to the curb. We need to get back to the days of manly men. Now, if you’ll excuse me I have to pluck my husband Jimmy’s eyebrows. I don’t want the neighbors to think I’m having an affair with Sam Donaldson.
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