December, 1999 Issue #2
WARNING: The following material may be unsuitable for anyone who can’t take a joke
The Life of a Stick An Interview with “El Motivador” By Jacob Gelfand
Every student who has ever made the error of disrespecting Señor Villanueva fears the wrath of El Motivador (the Motivator). Serving as a deterrent against misbehavior, this ominous scarlet rod is forever engraved with the names of its countless past victims. Mallet investigators recently interviewed the infamous “stick of death” and as it turns out, El Motivador feels completely misunderstood by Señor’s apprehensive students. First of all, El Motivador can speak (Spanish, of course)—something no other inanimate object has ever accomplished. And secondly, El Motivador wants to clear his reputation of being nothing more than a blood-soaked instrument of pain. The following is our one-on-one encounter with the Artist Formerly Known as El Motivador: Mallet Interviewer: So, what was your childhood like? El Motivador: [translated from Spanish] I’m a stick. Interviewer: Yes, I realize that. El Motivador: Well, I guess my story begins several thousand years ago in the Yucatan. I’m not exactly sure how I was made or for what purpose. All I do know is that through a series of ritual sacrifices I was inhabited by the perturbed spirits of Aztec warriors, which gave me an insatiable thirst for the blood of disobedient adolescents. Interviewer: I see. So it was your bloodlust that led you to a career in education? El Motivador: Yes. Unfortunately, in those days the opportunities for self-aware inanimate objects were extremely limited. I considered military service, but the Aztecs said that they really only used sharp weapons in battle. They said I might find a job working for a strict family, but my mission in life was to educate, not merely punish, bruise and occasionally break skin. Interviewer: Are you resentful of the fact that you have no control over your life? After all, you are— El Motivador: A stick. Yes, it is true that sometimes I feel as if I am merely a tool and not an individual. But Señor Villanueva and I are really on the same wavelength about education. Interviewer: Uh, right. (Pause) Where did you two meet? El Motivador: Well, it’s a bit embarrassing, but somehow I ended up on sale at a flea market in Tijuana. That’s where Villanueva found me. Everyone else looked at me and saw nothing more than a bloody stick. But Señor saw in me the potential to be something truly great. Interviewer: Is it true that you’re stained with the blood of disobedient LJCD Spanish students? El Motivador: Let’s just say that I make sure Señor Villanueva gets his due respect. Interviewer: How do you feel about Señor Villanueva’s Spanish classes this year at Country Day? El Motivador: Kids used to tremble at the very sight of me. Now they think I’m just a joke. To tell you the truth, I would much rather be loved than feared…but my therapist says I have to love myself first.
Read on, dear friends! The next page features two of the world’s greatest mysteries: the true meaning of life AND a funny picture of a platypus! What could be better!
Bah Humbug & Seasons Beatings Greetings A special holiday message from the editor I would now like you to observe thirty seconds of silence for the millions of turkeys who went up to that big barnyard in the sky so that we could enjoy our Thanksgiving feasts. If this murderous holiday didn’t include the consumption of massive quantities of delicious food, offering a nation-wide excuse to gorge on our country’s oversupply of edibles, I would consider Thanksgiving to be nearly as objectionable as Columbus Day. Sorry, folks, but in case you didn’t know, the pilgrims— those obsessively violent, pious puritans that left jolly old England—didn’t sit down to any Thanksgiving dinner with the Indians. In actuality, the pilgrims decided it was more fun to kill natives than to have supper with them. It’s safe to say that our forefathers weren’t the warmest and cuddliest of fellows. [And will someone please explain to me what Santa Claus has to do with the birth of Christ. It seems to me jolly old Saint Nick—the so-called personification of the Christmas spirit—is nothing more than an international commercial marketing scheme. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.] Let’s face it—Thanksgiving represents the three major principles upon which this great nation was founded—violence, gluttony and appreciation for the fact that we can get away with it all. By the way—happy holidays.
The Mallet staff: Jacob Gelfand—editor-in-chief Grant Clark—hired goon The platypus—official mascot Special Thanks: Señor Villanueva El Motivador Magilla Gorilla
The Mallet wishes to apologize to the writers whose articles did not fit in the issue, and to Alan Shinsato, whose mom forbade him to participate.
ASB representatives recently asked this platypus what it thought about the prospect of an Honor Code at La Jolla Country Day. The platypus, along with a large group of other platypuses, was then forced to fill out a survey and attend a “town meeting”, during which the administration encouraged the egg-laying mammals to speak their minds. Unfortunately, the little critters’ plea for a vote was denied and all of their direct questions were ignored. Several reliable sources predict that— contrary to the assurances of the administration—the platypuses will have little or nothing to do with the inevitable creation of some form of Honor Code.
Y2K at Country Day Predictions of the end of the world (as we know it) By Grant Clark Just recently I was informed that the year 2000 is just around the corner. This took me by great surprise. I have also just been informed that the world is in for some big changes, perhaps even mass destruction. I’m beginning to wonder how the new millennium and/or the “end” of the world will affect my daily life at Country Day. I would now like to present:
The Top Five Changes at LJCDS brought about by Y2K: [Note: It is standard to make a top TEN list but I am afraid my feeble little mind could not come up with such a number.]
5. Trees become intimidating mascots. 4. Badminton becomes an officially recognized CIF sport 3. Students trade in their Lexuses and BMWs for Geo Metros 2. The roller hockey team wins a game. 1. The Billiards Club finally raises enough money to buy a pony.
Okay, okay, we delivered the platypus, but you’re probably wondering where the meaning of life comes in. Well, that’s just it—platypuses are the meaning of life! You know it’s true. Until next time… Please submit your own articles for future issues! Email firstname.lastname@example.org or accost the editor at your convenience.