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est 1843 vol clx vii, issue 7, 29 th O c t . 2013

EC Pre-­Emptively Punish Candidates in Sabbat Elections

a p o litic al, literar y & general news- p ap er

Shock as Student People Have Actually Heard of to Run in SU Elections

Trinity Rebrands!

Same great taste, higher fees Š The Piranha, 2012. All Rights Reserved.


4 April 2013

2 | News

Trinity Rebranding Partnership balances academic heritage with that smooth Pepsi taste - Prendergast

Patrick Prendergast this week unveiled plans of Trinity College’s long awaited rebranding. Amidst concerns that foreign students may be confused as to the prestige and academic heritage of the University given its name as a college, Prendergast has resolved WRDIÀUPWKHSURXGVWDWXV of Trinity Presents: Pepsi Max™ - The University Experience, in Association with Kraft Foods™. “I think Trinity Pepsi University™ strikes the perfect balance in capturing both our proud heritage of academia and university tradition as well as our traditional love of that smooth Pepsi™ taste, which

students often forget,” the Provost announced on Trinity Monday, now better known as I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter!™ presents An Audience with Paddy P. Questioned as to whether this rebranding in fact cheapens the University’s reputation, Prendergast was quick to argue that the college’s ethos has always accorded with that of Pepsi Cola™, as evidenced in Queen Elizabeth I’s original declaration that “Thise universitie doth verilie hitte the spotte and quencheth that almightie thirste!”™ The new College image aims to consolidate an international reputation and improve upon what we already have. Prendergast added that he wants Trinity to be a university where graduating with D ÀUVW FODVV ¶XOWLPDWH refreshment’ degree “is more than just a piece of

paper, but really means something.” This will EH VLPLODUO\ UHÁHFWHG across all of college’s staples, with academic traditions continuing, albeit under slightly different names, with the foundation scholarship being rebranded the “To the Max! Regime.” Other regime changes aiming at optimising RXU ¶DFDGHPLF FDSLWDO· include the establishment of new fellowships, namely the Regius Donald

Trump Professorship of Ancient Greek Polemical Literature, and the Adjunct Lectureship of the new Budweiser Computer Science Institute. Making his announcement from the steps of the Old El Paso™ Exam Hall alongside El Señor™ lecturer Patrick Geoghegan, Prendergast was quick to assure the assembled student body that the privatisation would not compromise

their educational prospects, ensuring “Same Great Taste, Higher Fees.” Perhaps most controversial was CEO Prendergast’s proposed suggestion of renaming the recently renamed Mandela House to Uncle Ben’s Rice Shack™, evoking more progressive imagery, given the outdated symbolism of Apartheid which appears inconsistent with the Trinity Brand.

Your degree, Your way!™


News | 3

4 April 2013

Quod Dixeunt Dixeunt Address all frivolous complaints to: The Provost, 1 Grafton Street, Dublin 2.

What they said around College this week “I just wish Nelson Mandela had been a woman� Jack Leahy “Never before have I seen such an outrage!� Students react angrily to the cancellation of a midweek public lecture on ethics and physiotherapy.

�Truly the greatest honour� Winnie Mandela on Mandela House “This is a good day for students� Tom Lenihan foresees an impeachment free term.

“Finn Murphy shattered mein pelvis on die ski trip� Angela Merkel

Editors-in-Chief:

Cormac Shine DĂłnal McKeating

Copy Editor: Glen Byrne Senior Writer: Hugh Guidera

“Who?â€? DĂłnal McKeating and Cormac Shine, Sch. are told of this year’s SU Candidates.

Writers: Anna Sheehan Conor Crummey Paul Corcoran Sam Ford SWAG: Jack Toner

“These AIDS talks have really ruined the laid back atmosphere of Shag week for bagging a dirty one� disgruntled SS BESS student on SHIFT Week.

“Let’s get f*ckin’Schumacheredâ€? James Ringland’s controversial announcement at après ski.

ON THIS DAY IN TRINITY 1978 Patrick Prendergast enjoys the crisp, refreshing taste of Pepsi™ IRUWKHÀUVWWLPH

2001 %XWWHU\ IRRG FRXUW UHFHLYHV ÀUVW Michelin Star

2000 68FKDQJHQDPHRIœ$66%/$67 :HHN¡WRWKHHGJLHUœ6+$*ZHHN¡ 2015 Trinity Cum Dancing announced as part of SHIFT week.

And so the Students’ Union elections are almost upon us again. 5DWKHU WKDQ SRQWLÀFDW

candidates. We are aware of most of those who are running, and unfortunately we have to say,

Notes from the Throne ing about the turning of a new year and how wonderful our Christmas was, the editorial team would like to take the opportunity to warn those SHRSOHZKRDUHGHĂ€QLWH ly reading this issue very closely: prospective SU

you are the greyest, most unexciting, and most uninspiring-for-an-election-issue lot we have ever seen. Please, please, please, please, please, please do something exciting, controversial and/ or campaign-wrecking

1984 Trinity College reject proposal to honour terrorist by changing name RIœ7KDWFKHU+RXVH¡WRœ0DQGHOD House’. 2014 That study group you organised ZLWK 3DXO IURP HQJLQHHULQJ ÀQDOO\ SURJUHVVHVLQWRœVRPHWKLQJPRUH¡

in the next three weeks so we have less trouble Ă€OOLQJ WKH SDJHV RI RXU election special than you do in melting into a small crowd. If you want favourable treatment, please like all our statuses, retweet all our WZHHWVDQGĂ LFNWKURXJK RXU SURĂ€OH SLFWXUHV OLN ing them all and providing supportive comments like “Lookin’ well man, the summer ovo treated ya well!!â€? (You will of

course now know that we have saved all potentially embarrassing photos and compromising statuses posted by you in the last six months to a year, as well as scouring your juvenile criminal records). The real excitement for the future now lies in those students who have geared up their ´+HUHQR,¡PGHÀQLWHO\ not running for LawSoc/ DUBES/Phil/Juggling Soc Auditor� line to the

#1 Fan: Partick Geohegan Asian Correspondent: Ricky McCormick The Piranha is a satirical newspaper and should be regarded as such by all. Be advised that some readers may find the contents of The Piranha to be offensive. If you believe that you may be such a person, please seek advice from a qualified professional before reading. Nothing to do with us, it’s just that you clearly have mental problems. Serious complaints about the content of the publication should be addressed to the Editor, Regent House. All events and people described in The Piranha are fictional. Any resemblance to real events or real people is unintentional, and hilarious. The Piranha is a member of Trinity Publications and a family of omnivorous freshwater fish that live in South American rivers, being funded by a grant from the former. The Piranha is a fully participating member of the Press Council of Ireland and supports the Office of the Press Ombudsman. The opinions expressed in The Piranha are not reflective in any way of any view held by anyone, anywhere, at any time. The opinions expressed herein are especially not representative of The Piranha and indeed any creature, inanimate object, institution, or person involved in its production, publication and distribution. The Piranha claims all special rights and privileges, just in case. The Piranha is not an equal opportunity employer, in the sense that it does not employ anybody and therefore is not an employer strictly speaking. The Piranha is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

extent that they can repeat it at 120 bpm. All in all, a fantastic few months ahead of us, and a sad goodbye to the curUHQW68RIĂ€FHUVZKRGH VSLWH EHLQJ LQ RIĂ€FH IRU the next six months, will be instantly forgotten from now on. Donal McKeating Cormac Shine


4 April 2013

4 | News

Sports News: Ski Trip Report The family of Michael Schumacher have released a VWDWHPHQW WRGD\ FRQĂ€UPLQJ that he did in fact throw himself down a mountain upon seeing the arrival of Finn Murphy and the hundreds of drunk and belligerent Trinity

want to live in a world where this exists.� It is presumed that Schumacher is much happier in a coma than he would have been dealing with hunzos and IUDWEURVLQœ$SUHV6NL¡$QG Mr. Schumacher was right.

Murphy went on to shout in an unnamed nightclub later that he hoped all the assembled Trinity student were ready to enter “Jagerinduced comas!â€? Finn Murphy defended the ski trip saying “I think it was actually pretty tame. I did end "They don't call me The Finnisher for nothing" - Finn Murphy up shattering some middle aged German bird’s pelvis, Ski Trippers. Schumacher’s The ski trip opened with the but hey, they don’t call me VRQ FRQĂ€UPHG KLV IDWKHU¡V VDFULĂ€FLQJ RI D ODPE WR WKH the Finnisher for nothing.â€? last words before taking the Gods of Sesh, as is tradition. French police also weighed leap were in fact “I don’t More controversially, Finn in on the relative tameness

of this year’s outing, saying they were pleased that there were no sexual assaults or felonies committed. They admitted that there was a

pretty low bar, with less money being dropped into the local economy from ski lifts.

'My Sexist Family' - Jack Leahy I have a confession to make. I discovered something over this Christmas period, something that shocked me to my core. As all of you Leaheads will know, I am a VWULGHQWDFWLYLVWLQWKHÀJKW for equality for women, blacks, gays, women, Jews, people with small feet and women. Imagine my surprise then, when I discovered that my own family are sexist. Some realisations come gradually. Mine came suddenly, like the wellWLPHG FUDFN RI D PDOH ÀVW against a poor little delicate oppressed orphan girl face. Christmas Day was the

occasion - the anniversary of that day when a woman was denied an abortion even when there was no mortal father to support her. I looked around the table, happily surveying the faces of the liberty warriors I call my family, when suddenly it dawned on me. My eyes darted from my mother to my sister. Sure enough, it was true - there are only two women in my family. I re-counted, hoping against hope that I had made some mistake, that my inherently biased male brain had simply subconsciously desired to see a patriarchal domination of the dinnertable. Alas, my maths was

sound. An average of 60% as though I hoped that of the Leahy family is not my burning gaze would female. reach through to that slimy I stared at my parents, servant of the patriarchy mouth agape. My fork she called a uterus. Finally of broccoli dropped from I turned my gaze inward P\ WUHPEOLQJ ÀQJHUV DV and saw that the true fault though they refused to hold was mine. In tirelessly food prepared at such a table of injustice. I turned ÀUVW WR P\ IDWKHU VWDULQJ WRKLVFURWFKDQGWKHà HVK\ sword of hegemony that had brought about this nightmare. Words would not come. I turned to my mother, my eyes appealing for an explanation. Still my brutish, unthinking male tongue failed me. My eyes dropped to her torso,

An average of 60% of the Leahy family is not female. championing the cause of all the poor little women everywhere I had been blind to the evil within my very home.

My inertia did not last long. I knew that something must be done - women everywhere were counting on me. It was too late to simply force my parents to procreate and birth a few PRUH VROGLHUV LQ WKH ÀJKW for gender equality. There had to be something I could do. Finally I had it - I turned to my brother Tom. I ushered the boy from the room - soon he would MRLQ WKH ÀJKW IRU MXVWLFH His gender realignment surgery is booked for next week. It wasn't easy, but my genius had saved the day for women everywhere once more. Thank me later ladies.

SU Shop Aims to Progress beyond “Dark Daysâ€?of Selling Coca-Cola Truly, mistakes have been made by all, and no one was quicker to admit that this week than Aengus MacNiorrain, JS Engineering student and longtime SU Shop employee. “Selling Coke just seemed‌ well it just seemed normal, you know? A lot of us here had no idea,â€? he told the Piranha in an exclusive interview. Revelations this week were worse than many had

expected, highlighting evidence of unethical vending practices possibly spanning decades. “It’s hard to know now if we can really redress the harm we’ve caused, but we think we might really be in with a good shot of really nailing Putin on this oneâ€?, he added, in reference to Trinity’s hand in dismantling the Sochi Winter Olympics. Coca &ROD¡V RIĂ€FLDO UHVSRQVH

to the action has been notable in its silence. Fear? Ignoring an elephant in the room? MacNiorrain cerWDLQO\WKLQNVVR´:H¡YHKLW them in their pockets, and more importantly we’ve done so in a metaphorical sense.� Indeed, when the Piranha contacted Coca Cola’s public relations department at HQ in Atlanta, the manager on the phone even feigned ignorance as

to the existence of a Trinity boycott, that will last a devastating three weeks over the course of the Winter Olympics, including Reading Week. Clear evidence that the board of directors has been truly spooked by the SU’s brave stand against corporate sponsorship of autocratic regimes. In related news, the SU similarly expressed remorse at the re-renaming of Man-

dela House, and plans to expand it, as it “is not equal enoughâ€?. New naming conventions are to be addressed to Leanna Byrne, CommuQLFDWLRQV 2IĂ€FHU 0DQGHOD House, Luther King Square, Equality College Dublin, Ireland (We’re All Friends Here!).


News | 5

4 April 2013

New ‘SHIFT Week’ Rebranding “Irreverent and Cool” agree Hip College Population Stephen Garry’s recent rebranding of Sexual Health and Guidance Week (SHAG Week) to Sexual Health Information For Trinity has been warmly received by the college population with the vast majority agreeing WKDW LW LV ´GHÀQLWHO\ QRW D laboured acronym”. The renaming follows linguistic trends to spread the message of sexual health being for everyone, and not just, as

Garry says, “creepy AIDS freaks”. The SU, responding to criticisms of the renaming, has announced LAW Week (Laboured Acronym Week Week) at the tail-end of Hilary term in order to raise awareness of the seriousness of this issue and to provide more fun and games for bored sabbatical students.

healthy attitude towards sexual health is lost in shallow, attention-grabbing branding, yet Garry has been quick to respond that it’s just the stuffed-shirts up in #1 Grafton Street getting riled at the sheer contemporary irreverence of the whole thing. “I can only imagine their faces when they heard that it was being rebranded. Some have argued that the The drab old suits were message of maintaining a probably delighted thinking

I’d name it something more down-to-earth than SHAG. Hehe, not a hope you old fogies! SHIFT is here to stay. They don’t want us talking real talk on real sexual issues, but shifting happens.” Monday kicks off with FIST (Free Information Session in Trinity), followed on Wednesday by GROPE(Group Respect Of Personal Empowerment),

before reaching its climax on Friday with YOUDIRTYTHANG, an acronym which has yet to be DVFULEHGDSRVWKRFGHÀQLWLRQ E\ WKH :HOIDUH 2IÀFH EXW which is essentially a nonjudgmental sexual discussion group for female students. Consult your free Piranha cutout calendar to follow other agonisingly acronymised events throughout the week.


Letters | 6

1 November 2012

"Advice for my Successor: An Open Letter" by Stephen Garry As I move into the twilight of my stewardship of the mental well-being of the college community, the condom jar is almost empty and I wish to pass on some sage advice to whomever should succeed me in my august position. While you will seek to take care of your Ă RFNRIVWXGHQWVĂ€UVWDQG foremost you must take care of yourself. One cannot give advice until one learns to accept it. One cannot shed light if one lives in darkness. With that in mind, here are some tips for avoiding crazies, downers and

other nut jobs who will make your life a living hell for the next year: 1. Don't open messages in your whatsapp. If they only see one tick, they'll just think you haven't seen their message! 2. Avoid taking any appointments at Christmas. People get amazingly depressed at Christmas and they'll just bring you down too by VHOĂ€VKO\ YHQWLQJ WKHP DW you! 3. Look out for the twitchy ones! 4. When people start talking to you about their problems, just think

of something happier until they stop, then nod and refer them to the Counsellors. Then it's their problem! 5. It isn't all doom and gloom. Make sure to enjoy the days when someone comes to you with a particularly funny illness or problem. Tell your friends about it, and you can all have a laugh! 6. Some people are beyond help. If someone hasn't made any friends by their second week in college, best just advise them to drop out a n d move. Then you can focus on people you can

really help! 7. Lighten the mood around campus by playing fun practical jokes, like using a pin to poke holes in the condoms you give out. People will know you're not just a Serious Steve - you can have fun too! 8. If an attractive lady (or man, I'm not here to judge!) comes in with a problem, pass the time by touching yourself under the table. If they catch you, it will give their selfesteem a much-needed boost! 9. Think up edgy new initiatives like 'SHIFT

Week' so people know you're both witty and innovative! 10. As I said, there are some people you just can't help. If anyone you have advised takes their own life, use lime juice and formaldehyde to dissolve the body. Clean up any clear surfaces and pay off witnesses. People will just think they moved! It's not an easy job, but I know you can do it! Best of luck, Stephen Garry

EXCLUSIVE! How a Naked Calendar Dream Became a Sex Nightmare: One Brave Scholar Speaks Out Trinity was shocked last week to learn of a sex WUDIĂ€FNLQJ ULQJ UXQ E\ College administration out of the dining hall, promising poor students daily hot meals. There were no hot meals, unless abuse counts as a hot meal, and I think we can all agree that the world be a very sorry place indeed if it did. Abuse is NOT a hot meal. This article explains why. This article aims to tell THEIR story.

“OFF!�

“I‌I’ll do it.â€?

meant‌.�

“Say it.�

“No.�

“I’ll do‌.it.â€?

“O-F-F. Off.�

The scholar rests his jansport in the corner and begins to unzip his hoodie. “Come on‌..mister September. You want to be September don’t you?â€? “Y..yy‌yess..â€? The KRRGLHGURSVWRWKHĂ RRU “Is this really commons?â€?

“Hmm? Oh Yes yes.â€? A camera appears and Amy Worrall eagerly begins to photograph the young The knock is faint. Tip tip scholar. The t-shirt now tip. The face that follows IDOOVWRWKHĂ RRU it is meeker still. “You know what I

A smile grows on Amy The jeans are Worrall’s face and she unzipped‌‌ smacks her lips. At this point in our “Off.â€? dramatic print recreation of the scene our brave “Whhh‌.what?â€?

anonymous scholar, narrating the scene to us, breaks down in tears. We try to coax the rest of the story out of him, helping him by whispering zipping noises or smacking him in the cheeks with the back of our hands to jog his memory but it doesn’t help. His silence speaks volumes. Brave. :KHQ *DYLQ 7XFNHU Ă€UVW heard of commons it sounded like a dream come true. This was no dream. This was nightmare. Sex nightmare. The calendars were harmless fun, he had been told. It was all “giving back to the college that gave you so muchâ€?. However, soon Gavin began to feel trapped. College didn’t let his friends come over for commons, he was housed privately away from college life. His dream

had become a nightmare. 7KH Ă€UVW SKRWR ZDV MXVW “for the prospectusâ€?. “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took your top off on the cricket pitch!â€? Just one photo, just one photo, just one photo‌.. But soon college began to insist that it was time for

Gavin to really give back DV LW KDG JLYHQ KLP ÂśVR much’. It was then that the naked calendar was suggested. “It just seemed normalâ€?, Gavin tells us LQ WKH RIĂ€FH ´, WKRXJKW it was what‌.students‌ did.â€? It wasn’t.


Opinion | 7

1 November 2012

Chess Soc. Cancels Murder Mystery Trip to Rome in “PR Fiascoâ€? In response to intense media coverage on the recent Dublin ÂśFKHVV PXUGHU¡ '8 &KHVV Soc President Jack Toner has announced the unfortunate cancellation of the society’s annual trip to Italy, wanting to distance the society from the recent scandal. He unequivocally stated that such violence is “largely rejected as having little to

no role in how the modern game of chess is played�. “This is the game of kings, not dismembered corpses�, he added, reminding our readers that such murderers represent only a minority of players, “3 or 4% at MOST.�

Christmas Tree Lighting Ceremony Guests Treated to a ‘less vacuous than usual’ Provost Address

HGDOOWKHVSHDNHUVÂśRQWKHLUZRUGV and eh didn’t they speak fast there aha’.â€? She went on to note that his slightly off-sync countdown to the Christmas tree lighting was generally indicative of his progressive, independent attitude, and not indicative of a secret inability to count backwards even in small numbers, a somewhat taboo subject within the academic community. The evening continued with carolling and festive cheer, until the time came for the Provost to deliver his own oration on the meaning of Christmas. Resuming his place on the steps of the postgraduate reading room at the microphone, to the fore of the hushed crowd, he solemnly mused that “please put your mulled wine cups in the bin there now.â€? And lo we did, Patrick. Lo we did.

“Aha... and happy there... Christmas there now� began Prendergast to the assembled crowds below Front Square’s Christmas tree in December, “and I hope now the eh time is. Well now.� He was warmly received, with spectators commenting later that they enjoyed when he group-complimented them on their presence and their good nature there now. “He’s a great guy for calling a spade a spade, I think�, noted attendee Laura Swan, “It’s like when he was chairing that debate in the GMB last term and he compliment-

the game into disrepute. His style of play was a lot more akin to Alekhine’s Gun that to your traditional Zugzwang endgame, but unfortunately the game has been brought into disrepute. An Irish player wouldn’t be resorting “To be honest, we thought these to those sort of underhanded tactics had died out, but it’s these tactics like storing extra pawns, fancy Italian players dragging double moving, clock stopping, or removing and eating the

opponent’s left lung with a surgical scalpel.� Chess Soc added that they want to urge players not to desert the game or dismiss it as excessively dangerous, adding that if our readers “really want to see murder, check out Kasparov’s breathtaking dismantling of Topalov at the 1999 GrandMasters’ Final. Dayummm!�

House 3 christened De Klerk House in retaliation to renaming of House 6

Toby Arize to dance a ‘well f*ckin funny’ ballet in Trinity Come Dancing Trinity Come Dancing has broken new ground this year by ironically ascribing dances to competitors ZKRVHHPQRWWRĂ€WWKRVHGDQFHV Moreover, it has proudly branded LWVHOIWKLV\HDUDVÂśQRWMXVWIRUWKH birds’ with the inclusion of Toby Arize to the line-up. He has been quick to highlight the irony of his inclusion, stressing that he is doing ballet, which is funny because he certainly is not the classic ballet type, being a lad, and ballet is something birds do isn’t it, ha? Toby Arize, Alpha Zeta of Trinity Frat, sees the event as a positive PR attempt to make his “The

People’s Frat� but the dance event has already been mired with controversy, with Arize’s VXJJHVWLRQ WR GDQFH WKH œQRQ consensual grind’ being vetoed by fellow competitor Oilbhe

Cahill Reid, auditor of DUGES. Despite accusations that the platform merely provides the SHUIHFW ÂśIXQ \HW XQRIIHQVLYH¡ publicity stunt for students gearing up an SU election campaign, S2S coordinator Ian Mooney was quick to assure us that “it’s just a bit of fun, like a student kitchen would be which I would certainly be very keen to support in the near future, among a host of other great improvements in college over the next 12 months.â€? Cahill-Reid similarly dismissed the claims, observing that the dance competition was merely a chance “for students

to let their hair down, which God knows we all need and the provision of more opportunities to do so would be a great attribute for an SU president to possess, and something I believe I can provide, but really it’s just a good laugh and all about the Irish dancing.� Similarly, Conor O’Meara observed that it was merely a chance to give back to the student population and hear THEIR voice, which is really what a good dance performer, and incidentally hopeful future SU President 2015/16, ought to do.


8 | Lifestyle

1 November 2012

Piranha Issue 3  

20th January 2014