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est 1843 vo l clxiv, issue 6, March - Aprilish 2014

DUBES wins "Best Shit Society" at CSC awards. page 3

a p o litic al, literar y & general news- p ap er

How a certain spoofer from Kildare may have played a pretty cool role in finding missing Malaysian flight MH370 page 5

DU AMNEST Y COMMEMORATE 1972 US NAPALM BOMBINGS OF VIETNAM


4 April 2013

2 | News

Players Accidentally Hold 3 Bacik disputes Merkel’s claims during Phil visit that she is first female German Chancellor. AGMS due to Ket-induced hazes Players Accidentally Hold 3 has occurred, indeed with AGMs due to Ket-induced most denying any memory Hazes of ever having the alleged 2 previous AGMS, or memory CSC yesterday contacted DU of the dates in general. Players concerning 3 recent changes of committee in a short space of time, along with the surprise creation of 4 new roles at the third of these, some of which were represented not by words on their official CSC submission, but with symbols or colour. The multiple AGMs and creation of committee positions such as “K Hole Officer” and “Chief Ground Stabiliser” are as yet unexplained and the current committee denies that any unconstitutional activity

Hot on the tail of claiming to be the first female member of the Forty Foot Bather’s Association in Sandycove, Ivana Bacik has continued her crusade of Bacikian historical revisionism in confronting Angela Merkel in her recent address to the Phil.

cellor Merkel’s 2005 appointment to German Head of Government. “Quite sure that was me back in ‘98 actually Angela. I’m a mighty trailblazer, so I am.”

Bacik’s claims that she was the first female German Chancellor are unverified by media reports, political textConfronting the chanbooks or Chancellor at cellor during her photo- the time Gerhard Schshoot at the base of the roder, but she has been Campaphallus in Front quick to point out that Square, she questioned there’s “an interesting the accuracy of media thing about Gerhard reports following Chan- Schroder; he’s a man.”

In a bizarre and lengthy question then posed to Chancellor Merkel during a Q&A in the GMB Chamber, Bacik claimed in turn to be the first female Venezuelan member of parliament, the first female frontline soldier in Vietnam, and the first African American woman to sit on the board of a Fortune 500 company. On a plausibility scale of “Jack Cantillon actually having sway over Obama’s speechwriter” to ‘10’, Bacik’s claims do not rank well.

Report on the Trinity Ball Lineup - by insecure BESS fresher Yeah it’s really good. I like it, yeah. I suppose it’s a good experience even if you don’t know many of the acts because Finn Murphy said on the event page that it’s a good experience even if you don’t know many of the acts. I mean I probably owe it to him; he chatted to me in the Village on his election night and said something really funny to the guys in my year that I didn’t hear but I laughed. Ben Pearce has emm good rhythm and his songs are nice so I’ll definitely go to that. And are people drinking for that? Cool right ok. What? No, I’ve never taken one… no.. a blue what? Oh it’s a pill. like an ecstasy pill? I really don’t know lads I mean I

have a heart thing where I… alright I mean….fine fine stop yeah I’ll think about it haha. The acts are kind of class. How did Reynolds manage to nail down Trinitones? Legend. Also I’ve been seeing that tandem felix lad in my related videos on youtube for a while now so obviously expecting big things there.

them legit like. Riiiight mate, listen, come and say that to me again when I’m having the time of my life come 4am swinging away to Laura Walsh, I mean ‘Laura Welsh’ in the dance tent mashed off my face on practically a hundred blue goats. Yeah of course I fucking meant to say blue ghosts, are you deaf buddy? Jesus, Finner was right about Le Galaxie are cool the bloody ‘anti-craic too and….what? Yeah brigade’. of course it’s fucking worth 80euro, I mean It’s going to be the did you not even read biggest thing since Finn Murphy’s post on Freshers’ Ball mate, and the event page? I think if you don’t believe that it’s pretty like clear that I would kindly fucking he said we should all go direct you to a 2013 to it so yeah I definitely review in Hot Press of actually want to go. the band ‘The Sussed’ Dude, Le Galaxie haven’t who will be hitting the played here in a fucking main stage at about month and I want to see the midnightarooney

mark: “punk ‘n’ power pop legends”. Hot Press don’t throw those terms around buddy and I think they might just know a little bit more about music than you alright? Of course I haven’t changed since school, I genuinely love Duke Dumont, especially

their bass player is class, his beats are filthy. Yeah well maybe you were just a loser then? Listen, my mate from Fish soc is giving me a bell; he’s so cool. You can jog on if you’re not up for it. Yeah, see you in Organisation and Management later.


News | 3

4 April 2013

Quod Dixeunt Dixeunt Address all frivolous complaints to:  The Provost, 1 Grafton Street, Dublin 2.

What they said around College this week “Oh you’re going interrailing this summer? I’m going on a J1 to India.”philanthropic Trinity SUAS volunteer explains overseas teaching program

"Indian Festival of Spring achieves its goal in providing new profilers for hundreds of white arts students." - Trinity Indian Soc PRO

“I think I might start going to my sociologyy lectures in Goldsmith” JF PPES student embraces Health

"Can't wait for Example I love their keyboard player" Matthew Nuding JF LawPol

“You get a free hoodie, and sometimes you get to go on a whopper sesh” Selfless trinity student explaining their motivation for joining S2S.

"He didn't even do any magic, so dissapointing." Ruth Keating on the LawSoc Inaugural

"I was always confusing Trinity with IKEA, definitely worth the €100,000 Paddy" SU President Donal McLoughlinBeirne

"No I don't mind if I don't get Schols, it's such good prep for Summer Exams anyway." SF Science Student lying through his teeth

ON THIS DAY IN TRINITY 1997 Ben Butler starts first "blackboard cleaning" internship

2014 Ben Butler applies to James Ringland for LawSoc auditorial internship

2015 Trinity Arts Festival and Trinity Against Fascism form into one society in order to end acronymic confusion 1882 Oscar Wilde loses election to become 2nd Year Rep in DUBES

Notes from the Throne

2020 Trinity becomes a "yoke-free" campus. Riots ensue around the Player's Theatre and DU Snowsports committee room 1999 Players new committee try Ketamine for the first time

2016 Socialist Workers Society's AGM breaks down after Nick Griffin runs for President

And so the Piranha says goodbye to another year in the fishbowl. All the AGMs and elections have wrapped up, and next year's targets have bullseyes firmly planted on their backs. Trinity Ball draws near, as does the annual summer exodus and never-ending race to achieve the most exotic and most liked photo, trekking in Nepal while also interning for the International Criminal Court and attending Lollapalooza. For now it's goodbye from Cormac and Donal, we hope you've enjoyed the Piranha this year as much as we've enjoyed being blacklisted by 50-100 people for our sometimes inflammatory but always necessary

2004 Finn Murphy elected as Ents Officer for his primary school

insights into the bubble that is student life at Trinity. Donal disappears back in to the foggy vapors of Players Theatre, while Cormac will return to his murky life pulling the strings in various walks of life. A special shout-out to our biggest fans, Patrick Prendergast and Patrick Geoghegan - you know you're really twisting the knife to the system when College's two most senior officials tell you that they're getting a front cover of the Piranha framed and mounted in their office. Also, our sincerest thank you to Education Officer Jack Leahy. He took many beatings from this august publica-

Good Riddance: Cormac Shine Dónal McKeating Bon Voyage: Glen Byrne Design Editor: Jordan Boyd Senior Writer: Hugh Guidera Writers: Anna Sheehan Conor Crummey Hannah Beresford Eoin O'Gorman Oswald Michael Barton Paul Corcoran The Piranha is a satirical newspaper and should be regarded as such by all. Be advised that some readers may find the contents of The Piranha to be offensive. If you believe that you may be such a person, please seek advice from a qualified professional before reading. Nothing to do with us, it’s just that you clearly have mental problems. Serious complaints about the content of the publication should be addressed to the Editor, Regent House. All events and people described in The Piranha are fictional. Any resemblance to real events or real people is unintentional, and hilarious. The Piranha is a member of Trinity Publications and a family of omnivorous freshwater fish that live in South American rivers, being funded by a grant from the former. The Piranha is a fully participating member of the Press Council of Ireland and supports the Office of the Press Ombudsman. The opinions expressed in The Piranha are not reflective in any way of any view held by anyone, anywhere, at any time. The opinions expressed herein are especially not representative of The Piranha and indeed any creature, inanimate object, institution, or person involved in its production, publication and distribution. The Piranha claims all special rights and privileges, just in case. The Piranha is not an equal opportunity employer, in the sense that it does not employ anybody and therefore is not an employer strictly speaking. The Piranha is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

tion, and in fairness he was a good public representative. Ultimately, he also proved that no matter how many levels your satire takes on and no matter how cutting your criticisms are, there is nothing funnier than a ginger Irishman having the time of his life. Peace out and best of luck to Hugh, Anna and next year's team, who took complete control of this issue as a taste of what's to come. They may or may not have tried to abuse our editorial blindness by attempting to ruin our future job prospects. Cormac and Donal


4 April 2013

4 | News

Jailbreak contestant recounts close call when his dad forgot to buy his connecting flight from Dubai to Sydney the lads straight to the airport and, with nothing but a pre-bought ticket to Dubai in hand, managed to blag my way onto a plane to Dubai. The people at Vincent de Paul must fucking love me. Managed then to get a few solid selfies on the plane (Go on Etihad Bloody that kind of for the drinks), all the Hell, talk about living lateral thinking ingenu- while keeping charity on the edge! Let me ity which Jailbreak is all in mind and asking for tell you, getting as far about, and also charity; donations from the felaway from Dublin in 36 I think it was something low passengers who for hours with nothing but to do with Ballyfermot some stuck-up reason the brains in your head, or one of them. called the practice the t-shirt on the back, elitist and impractical. and your passport and It was Finn Murphy All I’m saying is that Etihad Flight to the UAE who really summed up little Marty or Deano your dad’s firm sponthe spirit of the event, or whoever my money sored is bloody stresstravelling thousands of goes to is never actually ful. miles by just scrounggoing to get to fly first ing about for all availclass on Etihad and the Alright I heard some able resources; spare fact that I did to give pretty hare-brained pennies, old mates, them money is probstories over that week- quick thinking, and the ably pretty exciting, so end. One pair of people fact his dad sits on the like technically maybe got to Singapore for board of Aer Lingus. it’s everyone else beGod’s sake, and they Student life! I should ing elitist? I don’t know weren’t even sponsored be so fucking lucky though, probably. by immediate family, though; mine was an just a multinational unmitigated fucking It was in the busiconfectionary company nightmare. ness class lounge of with whom they shared Dubai International family connections. It’s I headed with most of

that things got pretty bloody hairy fucking quickly. My Dad had only gone and mistimed the connecting flight from Dubai to Sydney Airport and it looked like I was effectively stranded for upward of 24 hours until my return flight to Dublin. Fucking Hell Dad I was literally slumming it out there. Let me throw some stats your way, my friend. The United Arab Emirates barely scrapes into the top 15 developed countries in the OECD and I don’t think it’s racist to say that the local chap sitting opposite me in the business departures lounge was looking crazed with hunger. I needed out, and fast! Africa, or Asia or something, or wherever I was, was a seriously shady place, and I can say with certainty that aimlessly hanging around people who frankly don’t look like

you is not what the Jailbreak organisers envisioned. I whipped out the old 4s literally praying that there could be coverage in this craven fucking hellhole and thank god there was enough to give Jack Cantillon a quick bell. “It’s all gone belly-up, maysh. I need out. Now” Looking back now, I can’t believe I let myself get into such dire straits, and again I don’t think it’s racist to say that I was quite literally surrounded by dangerous foreigners for a while back there. I suppose it was all for charity, and when taking into account expenses on sponsored Jailbreak t-shirts, promotional material, fun bonuses like the Jailbreak Rat and Jailbreak HQ, and unreleased expenses of Jailbreak HQ staff, we might just have turned a profit for the Dublin hungry!

Hist Committee Unsure How Best to Discriminate against Panti. Despite the overwhelming success of Panti’s address to the Hist last week, speculation is rife that she was merely roped in by Hist sexists as a drag queen in order to render newly established and controversial gender quotas paradoxical, or at least confusing and

inconsistent“to the female brain”. The LGBT activist’s address is presumed to be a futile attempt by the old guard to highlight the inherent ridiculousness of allowing women to speak in the chamber.

confused as to whether she could even be targeted with sexist abuse. “It was a real pickle”, explained one sexist, “In one sense, I know Rory O’Neill is a man, which I indeed like, but all this woman business. It’s just.. However, when she well it’s rummy is what did arrive, many were it is.” Throughout the

event there were feeble attempts at ridiculing non-binary genders which they had not really considered, leading to relatively low quality sexism and discrimination by traditional institutional standards. Ultimately, knowing that

they hated Panti but not really being able to figure out exactly why, it was decided that the best course of marginalisation would be the classic ridiculing of Rory O’Neill’s public school background and stupid Catholic surname.


News | 5

4 April 2013

Spoofer From Kildare plays "Pretty Cool" role in PR Team of Alleged War Criminal In a statement released via Facebook this week, Senior Sophister Law student Jack Cantillon took credit for the initiation of the War on Terror. ‘Hilariously, I was the man who ‘handed a slip of paper’ to Obama’s Secretary of Defence Leon Panetta authorising him to use all necessary and appropriate force against those nations, organizations, or persons he determines planned, authorized, committed, or aided the terrorist attacks that occurred on September 11, 2001, or harbored such organizations or persons, in order to prevent any future acts of international terrorism against the United States by such

nations, organizations or persons’ wrote Cantillon on Facebook last Sunday night. ‘Sometimes a random security memo at a random meeting of the Joint Chiefs of Defence can give you a chance to declare total and devastating war on global terrorism in the maddest way’ Cantillon continued, ‘and this spoofer from Kildare got to play a pretty cool role too’. The counterterrorism initiatives developed and implemented by Cantillon in recent years have been controversial in the international community. Ben Emmerson, UN Special Rapporteur on the Use of Drone Warfare,

has declared Cantillon ‘personally responsible for the unlawful targeted killings of as many as 3’000 Pakistani civilians’. In a report released this week, Human Rights Watch described Cantillon’s personal

authorisation of drone strikes in Pakistan and Yemen as ‘a clear and flagrant violation of international law and of human rights – unless it’s just a lie like the time he claimed he was responsible for Obama

mentioning Brian O’Driscoll in his Patrick’s Day speech, given that the President might just have taken into account what was the front page story on literally every Irish paper for a week beforehand’.

Turnout in JCR Elections Literally Negative

Anger in the Phil as visit of German Head of State actually a Visit by German Head of Government.

In a perhaps unsurprising turn of events, reports have confirmed that turnout in last week’s JCR elections was actually negative. ‘We’re not sure how this happened’ remarked one confused electoral official, ‘but it seems as though fewer than no people voted’. Observers described most races in the elections to fill JCR officerships as tense. ‘It was genuinely neck and neck the whole way,’ gasped one excited election-watcher, ‘every time it seemed like it was

The Phil Inaugural began in confusion and disappointment this month with the visit of German Head of State apparently being cancelled and instead replaced by some woman. “The

over, all of a sudden one of the candidates would have even less support than before.’ The relative unpopularity of the candidates, it appears, was not confirmed for certain until multiple counts had taken place. Outgoing JCR President Conor O’Meara seemed enthused by the public response to the elections. ‘It’s really great to see people taking so little interest in JCR elections,’ he gushed, ‘I saw people literally crossing the road to avoid polling stations

and - I’m not kidding here - they looked fucking disgusted by the very notion of voting. Seeing democracy in action like that, it’s a rare experience.’ Outgoing Comms officer Bernard PS Ryan wished his successor well in an emotional blog post, reminding her that she had ‘a hell of an act to follow’. Incoming Comms officer Ciara McEvoy concurred, describing Ryan’s tenure as ‘absolutely impossible to replicate, hopefully’.

were denied an opportunity to hear him speak.” Phil president Rosalind ni Shuilleabhain expressed confusion at the surprise guest, “I think she said

“I was expecting Joachim Gaulk, not this random woman.”

- Rosalind Ní Shúilleabháin

event page definitely said German Head of State, and I was beside myself with excitement waiting for Mr Gaulk”, said Patrick Prendergast in an interview immediately afterwards, “Joachim Gaulk is just such a household name and it’s such a shame the student body

her name was Angeline Munchen but frankly I don’t care. It was just poor show by the Germans. To think we were graced by the presence of Enda Kenny and the fine words of our own Provost Prendergast and they wheel out this one? It’s a disgrace.”


Letters | 6

1 November 2012

Toby Arize, Alpha of Zeta Psi Frat, Runs PICTURES OF STRIPPERS TO PRIVATELY APPRECIATE DEPTHS OF SEXISM for CSC Exec Position (actually). SU OFFICERS SHOCKED BY SEXIST MSU, DEMAND TO SEE

Members of the SU have been shocked this week by the ‘stag night’ event held by Maynooth Student Union at which women were hired to strip for the male audience. “It’s shocking that in this day and age an event like this could be held on a university campus, with little or no pictures being posted on facebook” said a representative of the SU. Many members have joined in on the outcry about the lack of information coming out of the event, particularly the lack of pictures of naked women and their boobies. One concerned individual contacted the Piranha saying “It’s difficult to appreciate the, you know, sexism without actually seeing it. Like I can picture it but there’s only so much imagination can get you going”. A piranha exclusive was set up with Finn Murphy who

had got his hands on a copy of photos from the event; however he never arrived to the meeting, later explaining ‘after a vigorous session of examining the discrimination reached its climax I became tired and unmotivated and fell asleep’. In an attempt to find some secondary sources for the claims, our friend Johnny Byrne told us about the time he saw his sister’s boobies by accident in the shower as well as linking our reporter to youtube videos of an American Pie scene where pausing at precisely 3:42 lets you see a topless woman in the background, but then his mom caught him pausing the computer and revoked his privileges for a week, which I’m sure our readers can agree is way disproportionate, but anyway he managed to find pictures of the scene on google images and copy/paste them

onto a microsoft word doc and print it out on his dad’s colour printer and bring it into class to show us all the next day and the resolution is low but you can clearly see the nipple pixel so Johnny’s mom is a stupid bitch. “It’s absolutely disgraceful that such sexism could occur. This is exactly the type of male dominated environment we wouldn’t allow in Trinity. In total there were only two women at the event, that’s far too low for any respected organisation” said Jack Leahy, weighing in on the issue, “I would consider myself very pro-woman and I can tell you now if an event like this was organised by TCD SU I would institute a forty per cent female quota, even if that meant hiring 7, or even 8 times as many strippers as anyone could reasonably want.”

There was a surprise addition to the ballot for CSC executive positions last fortnight with Toby Arize, head of the Trinity Frat, putting himself forward in the race. His nomination has surprised many, particularly given that his organisation is not recognised by CSC as a society, and in fact has marked itself as quite explicitly opposed to it. Arize, however, plans to change all this, and use his potential new influence to reframe what a society really is around Trinity. In his manifesto, he cites the need to cater towards the younger members of campus, particularly freshers, and tailor societies towards them. To this end he aims to replicate the

recent JCR strip auction as a formal electoral system for all societies. Is this sexist? “No”, he insists, “All hot birds can enter,and all the lads can do so ironically as well cos it’ll be funny.” It is the status of genderexclusive societies which he sees as the hot button issue in Trinity society life. “I actually just don’t see the problem with the Frat . I mean they already have a fucking sorority on campus, or DUGES or whatever the fuck you want to call it. And also toilets like. Also is feminism not also sexist because it says fem and not masc? And also where are all the feminists when I buy a bird a drink you know, and also……”

Leahy’s scrotum casts shadow over Impeach Reynolds Campaign A campaign to impeach already-outgoing Ents Officer Sean Reynolds has gained momentum in the weeks since the announcement of the lineup for this year’s Trinity Ball. As crowds of angry students gathered outside Mandela House, incoming Ents Officer for 2014/15, Finn Murphy addressed the volatile audience with endearing contempt- “Err. Calm down there lads. So what the line-up is shit, be a bitta craic like. We’ll all be hammered anyway.” Reynolds later thanked Murphy for his well-judged and completely necessary support in the last few days. "Even though I am the actual Ents Officer at the moment, not him, and therefore it’s officially my responsibility to deal with the fall-out from what is actually a quiche

line-up, I just thought those official-sounding posts he put on the facebook page were really appropriate. Like, the way he told that postgraduate student going to his last ever Trinity Ball to down a naggin and shut the fuck up, that was spot-on. The future of Ents in Trinity is bright.”

population, however, seemed unenthused at the prospect of testiclederived reconciliation. Mature student Aonghus MacChadairne told the Piranha. “It’s difficult, on the one hand the Trinity Ball line-up is insultingly bad and. Yet on the other hand, politically speaking, I’ve always considered myself Hours after Murphy turned anti-Leahy’s scrotum.” the impeachment campaign on its head, Education The hype surrounding the Officer Jack Leahy, impeachment campaign aggrieved at the absence itself may yet be misplaced. of feminist rock band For due to the build-up Pussy Riot from the initial of other referenda and Trinity Ball line-up, nailed preferenda, it has emerged his scrotum to the cobbles that the impeachment of Front Square in a final vote may not receive a act of solidarity for Trinity’s date until early Michaelmas minority groups before term 2015/2016, 2 years his term in office comes after Reynolds’ term ends to an end., proclaiming naturally. “It’s not as straight that he "sacrificed [his] forward as, ‘uh-oh, here’s a balls for the forgiveness problem, lets vote on it guys.’ of others”. The student Pfft, come on.” one student

union insider explained to the Piranha. “Then we could just have votes on pointless things that don’t matter to anyone! We’ve got a busy schedule as it is- First we’ve got the 7th and 8th rounds of voting on the smoke-free campus, the pre-preferendum of direct provision for asylum seekers, a voter survey on attitude to the Communications role, and then we have the preferendum on what position the SU should take on whether or not Loop the Loops have gotten smaller

in the last 5 years. Things were getting a bit heated down in Mandela House last Friday night when we were drawing up the official SU position on frozen dairy products, and then we just thought- why argue? Let's put it to the people and let them decide, ya know. It's about proper practice. Right now an impaled ballsack and a few thousand outraged students is hardly enough to warrant some action from the SU. Can’t people see we’ve got bigger issues to deal with?"


Opinion | 7

1 November 2012

Toby Arize, Alpha of Zeta Psi Frat, Trinitones™ Release new Teenage Runs for CSC Exec Position (actually). Dirtbag™ Mugs

There was a surprise addition to the ballot for CSC executive positions last fortnight with Toby Arize, head of the Trinity Frat, putting himself forward in the race. His nomination has surprised many, particularly given that his organisation is not recognised by CSC as a society, and in fact has marked itself as quite explicitly opposed to it. Arize, however, plans to change all this, and use his potential new influence to reframe what a society really is around Trinity.

electoral system for all societies. Is this sexist? “No”, he insists, “All hot birds can enter,and all the lads can do so ironically as well cos it’ll be funny.”

It is the status of genderexclusive societies which he sees as the hot button issue in Trinity society life. “I actually just don’t see the problem with the Frat . I mean they already have a fucking sorority on campus, or DUGES or whatever the fuck you want to call it. And also toilets like. Also is feminism not also sexist In his manifesto, he cites the because it says fem and not need to cater towards the masc? And also where are younger members of camall the feminists when I buy pus, particularly freshers, a bird a drink you know, and and tailor societies towards also……” them. To this end he aims to replicate the recent JCR strip auction as a formal

Coming off the back of another campus tour of hot events such as ‘Sociology Ball’, ‘DU Food and Drink AGM’, and ‘Hannah McCarthy’s Gaff’, Trinitones are finally monetising on their success. “This recent surge in popularity”, claims one of their members, “can be attributed to the popularity of the song ‘Teenage Dirtbag’ and the fact that it is the only song we can sing.” “You see the popular bit of the song is the bit where one of the lads, who is a boy, has to sing the girl’s line, which is largely funny because he has to put on a high-pitched girl’s voice and sing the line, despite the fact that he is a boy and the line is, of course written for a girl. It’s very funny”. Responding to criticism that

they should expand their repertoire beyond one song, he responded that “there are still elements of Teenage Dirtbag we have to artistically explore, which I think warrant another 3-4 years sole focus.”

To this end, they have also released Trinitones Teenage Dirtbag mugs, bath towels and pez dispensers which they feels embody the Trinitones brand. The student body is already excited for the DU Dressage & Equestrian Society AGM which the Trinitones are rumoured to be headlining.

TAF elects fairy lights, tie-dye shirts, flower Trinity Student Found Safe and Well crowns to key committee positions in Spanish Retirement Home An assortment of tie-dye shirts, fairy lights, flower crowns, permanent markers and a mild inclination to experiment with MDMA were just some of the inanimate objects and sensations elected to key Trinity Arts Festival committee positions at a thrilling and at times shocking AGM held Arts Block 2041B this week. Society members waited with bated breath in a spartan room adorned with just fifteen yards of bunting, a kilo of glitter, a scattering of glowsticks and a small spoken-word/ improv samba collective as the votes were counted. In the by now well-known subtle and understated TAF style, outgoing Chair Sarah O’Neill descended from the ceiling in a pulsating artificial caterpillar chrysalis and emerged to announce the results of the election.

In keeping with the agenda which earned them the ‘best event’ award over Jailbreak at this year’s CSC awards, next year’s TAF committee hopes to continue to raise a lot of money for charity, improve the racial and economic diversity of Trinity’s artistic community put up a lot of coloured lights and make flower crowns.

BESS SF student Lizzie O’Sullivan was found dazed but healthy in the dining room of a retirement home just outside Madrid. “I’m not entirely sure how I got there,” the weary student said on getting home, “I went to the bathrooms just outside the Burke and got trapped in a group of Spanish pensioners. It all goes dark from there.” Originally believed to have been a last-minute Jailbreak entry, concerns were raised when photos of the young woman posing in front of the Molly Malone statue in the middle of a Spanish tour group. “We think she got overwhelmed by the group in bathroom and simply fell back on her Junior Cert Spanish to see

her through,” College authorities have stated. Dr David McGrath, Director of College Health, has highlighted the incident as further cause to enact a campus-wide smoking ban. “I ask you this, do you know a European who doesn’t smoke? They wouldn’t venture onto campus if they couldn’t smoke here. We’d all be safer.” Critics have Dr McGrath’s policies have come to different conclusions. “If we drive them into the bathrooms to smoke, more and more students are going to be found in Spanish, Italian, even French retirement homes. We cannot take that risk.” O’Sullivan is said to be making a good recovery.


8 | Lifestyle

1 November 2012


Piranha Final Issue