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BadAss of the Week


his life revolved around two things:

kicking asses & taking names There isn’t a written record of what LapuLapu was up to prior to the year 1521, but by all accounts his life revolved around two things – kicking asses and taking names. Lapu-Lapu rose to power amidst this heated rivalry, and like any good badass warlord he decided he was going to ratchet the Violence-o-Meter up to the next level. He instituted a strict training regimen for his tribesmen, taught his warriors the art of Eskrima and Kali, and had his troops fight insane one-on-one Soulcalibur-style sparring duels with wooden sticks to help increase their fighting ability, pump up their strength and conditioning, and improve their ability to be bludgeoned about the head and neck in a furious manner without dying or having a seizure or some shit. It was in the Year of Our Lord Fifteen Hundred and Twenty-One that Lapu-Lapu and his warriors would face their greatest test.  On 14 April a European explorer named Ferdinand Magellan landed his fleet on the shores of Cebu Island with the intention of wreaking havoc like the Tazmanian Devil at a Sotheby’s auction. Magellan, eager to cement the Philippines’ subservience and loyalty to the Spanish King, did what every good Conquistador did to the indigenous populations of the islands and civilizations they visited – he mobilized his armies and prepared to burn some villages, plunder everything that wasn’t nailed down, slaughter anyone he could get his hands on, and either convert the survivors to Christianity or sell them into slavery.  On 27 April 1521, Magellan and his crew landed on Mactan Island, eager to show the savage barbarian natives what it was like to be fucked in the ass by a civilized European Superpower.

Being a devout Muslim, Lapu-Lapu wasn’t in the mood to hear about any Jeebuses, and he certainly wasn’t going to sit back and let a bunch of smallpox-carrying non-M41 Pulse Rifle-toting Colonial Marines stamp his balls into dust and carry of the women of his sizeable harem, so he mobilized a large force of the most badassed warriors he could find and prepared to give the Conquistadors a wooden-plank asskicking that would make them wish they were back in Catholic school getting their knuckles bloodied by angry nuns. His men got their best bamboo spears, fighting sticks, stones, arrows, and swords and prepared to turn back the invaders. Often times, much is made of the bravery of a small group of soldiers battling against a much larger force of savages, and how noble these men are for standing up against impossible odds, but consider this battle from the perspective of the Filipino warriors and Lapu-Lapu.  First off, you’re standing on the beach, facing white-skinned men that don’t look like any people you’ve ever seen before.  You’ve a fucking bamboo stick and a flimsy wooden shield, while the enemy is wearing heavy steel breastplates and helmets that are strong enough to deflect any arrows or rocks that you or any of your companions launch at them.  Oh, and they also have fucking firearms and crossbows that are much more advanced and powerful than anything you’d ever thought possible.  Your orders are to charge across a beach and fight these guys in hand-to-hand combat, which had to be the fucking 16th Century equivalent of fistfighting a company of goddamned ray-gun toting space aliens or some shit, but these guys didn’t even give a crap.

FA171.2 - National Hero  

FA171.2 - National Hero: Lapu-Lapu

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