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July 2012  | Your community humour magazine  |  issue 142

The 13th Annual Show & Shine rolls into town Sunday, July 8

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July 2012

Peter Julian, MP Burnaby – New Westminster Serving Our Community

Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Peter Julian’s Community office for assistance. Peter Julian’s Community Office: 7615 Sixth Street, Burnaby, BC V3N 3M6

Phone: 604-775-5707 l Email: peter.julian.c1@parl.gc.ca l www.PeterJulian.ca

I A K E C Q A N B X J L W D G

A M J A X P W P M I A F E S F

J I P W R O O U T H F G S S F

S W I R T E S Y S M S B T E V

H M C N O I A F E M O Z M N W

O Z W D C V E U W U X A I I B

W O O P E W E Y V N N Q N S U

D O K S K Z Y M L X C F S U Z

F E I G C A R S E I O U T B Z

Y N T K E K L K X N M D E A G

B J C D C R J P Y Y T A R U W

O M O T O R C Y C L E S F O B

J D L Z P W E N G L R F F K F

O W N E J N P E N I H S D B I

X S R I V Q M G O R E N H Z V

WORD SEARCH AREA BUSINESS CARS DOWNTOWN FAMILY FOOD FORD IMPROVEMENT KEY MOTORCYCLES MUSIC NEW SHINE SHOW WEST WESTMINSTER

Fin Donnelly, MP

New Westminster – Coquitlam & Port Moody Serving Our Community

Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Fin Donnelly’s Community office for assistance. Fin Donnelly’s Community Office: 1116 Austin Avenue, Coquitlam, BC, V3K 3P5

Phone: 604-664-9229 l Email: fin.donnelly@parl.gc.ca l www.FinDonnelly.ca

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Call 604-524-0500 • 7882 6th St, Burnaby Funny Bones by Jones Magazine Locally Owned & Published Fourth floor, 604 Columbia St New Westminster, BC V3M 1A5

Chris Sargent Owner & Publisher, Sales Email: publisher@piffle.ca

604-525-9027 Catch them while they’re laughing!

Cliff Blank

Graphic Design, Marketing Email: production@piffle.ca

604-600-4405

Photography: Gabor Gasztonyi, Trevor Batstone, Darren Lulka

Glenn Jones would like to hear from his fans. E-mail him at funnybones.by.jones@gmail.com.

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July 2012

Century House News Senior Games 2012

The Senior Games are on in Burnaby, August 21–25

If you are competing in the games this year please leave word at the office so we can follow your progress and perhaps even cheer you on as you compete! If you would like to volunteer, please send an email to info@2012bcseniorgames.org or check out their website at www.2012bcseniorgames.org.

Family and Seniors’ Festival

Mark your calendars now for this exciting Fall event

This event will celebrate families and seniors and offers an opportunity for you to meet with individuals from organizations who service your community.

The event will feature a variety of entertainment, dancing, refreshments and numerous other family friendly activities.

When: Saturday, October 13, 2012 Time: 11:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m. Where: Royal City Centre

Public Safety Bulletins

Did you know the City’s Emergency Management Office issues public safety bulletins? These bulletins provide information including extreme weather alerts, freshet and flooding updates, future emergency events and public safety messaging. You can sign up to receive these messages by email by visiting the Emergency Management section of the City’s website, located under Public Safety. The City’s website is http://www. newwestcity.ca/ or click on City of New Westminster on ‘city links’ lower right side of the screen.

Hello Artist

Has your usual painting/art group shut down for the summer? Come join the Uptown Artists Group at Century House! Bring your own project. There is no instructor but there is a selection of different types of paints if you want to try something new. No charge, but donations to Century House are welcome if you have a bit of change. Must be 50 years old or better. Where: Century House, 620 Eighth Street, New Westminster When: Every Thursday 12:30 p.m. to 2:30 p.m. during June, July and August.

For more info please call Barbara at 604-523-2385

newwestminsterfrasers.blogspot.com Now available for sale at Renaissance Books and the New Westminster Museum Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland


July 2012

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DRINKING WITH AMERICANS An American, a Canadian, and an Australian were sitting in a seedy bar enjoying a few beers. The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one gulp, then he threw the glass into the air and shot it with his handgun. As he set the handgun on the bar, he told the Canadian and the Australian that in the great U.S. of A, they had so much money they never drank out of the same glass twice.

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Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into the air and shot the glass with the American’s gun. As he was setting the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in Australia they had so much sand that glass was cheap and he too never drank out of the same glass twice.

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the gun off the bar, and shot the American. As he was setting the gun back on the bar, he told the Australian that in Canada we have so many Americans you never have to drink with the same one twice.

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In a cost-saving move, the Canadian parliamentary restaurant would become the new jewel in the crown of a major fast-food chain: Sir John A. McDonald’s.

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An American and his wife were driving in Canada and got lost. Finally they came into some city. They saw a gentleman on the sidewalk, so the gentleman pulled up to the

Wishing everyone a good summer!

curb, and the lady let down her window and asked: “Excuse me, sir. Where are we?” The gentleman on the street replied, “Saskatoon, Saskatchewan.” The lady rolled up the window, turned to her husband and said, “We really are lost. They don’t even speak English here!”

778-773-0546 Follow me on Twitter!

@BettyM13

bmcintosh@newwestcity.ca www.bettymcintosh.ca

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July 2012 SOMETHING FOR TOURIST There also would be a new name for the popular tourist ceremony on Parliament Hill: “The Changing of the Right Guard.”

IT’S ONLY FAIR The Canadian government plans to rename a province. Manitoba is too gender specific so it will be renamed to: Personitoba.

GOD CREATED CANADA On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said, “Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty, it shall CHECK OUT THE KEY WEST FORD BLOCK ON COLUMBIA BETWEEN 8TH AND BEGBIE Have your picture taken with Kirk McLean, Canuck Alumni at the Roush Booth

have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, beautifully sparkling lakes bountiful with carp and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon.” God continued, “I shall make the land rich in oil so to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, they shall be known as the most friendly people on the

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earth” “But Lord” asked Gabriel “don’t you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?” “Not really” replied God “just wait and see the neighbors I am going to give them.”

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YOU KNOW YOU’RE FROM CANADA WHEN…

A PROUD CANADIAN!

• You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat. • Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas. • You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons. • The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey. • The major parish fund-raiser isn’t bingo it’s sausage making. • You understand the Labatt Blue commercials • You perk up when you hear the theme from “Hockey Night in Canada” • We Canadians have been secretly brainwashing Americans for years. We started by sticking extra vowel sounds in

Mayor Wayne Wright

our every day speech such as adding ‘U’s in words like labour and colour and adding an ‘Eh’ sound to the end of everything we say.

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July 2012

Serving New Westminster since 2003. We thank all of you for your continued support of the last nine years!

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July 2012

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CANADA DAY 2012: CELEBRATING MANY A GENERATION SINCE CONFEDERATION Sunday, July 1, 11:30 a.m. – 3:30 p.m. Queen’s Park Bandshell • 11:30 a.m. – Chris Hamilton and the Sticky Jam Band • 12:15 p.m. – Formal Ceremony & Lunch Box Auction • 1:15 p.m. – The Blue Meenies • 2:15 p.m. – The Langley Ukulele Ensemble • 3:00 p.m. – A Cappella Fellas Other highlights include roving entertainment, crafts, community displays and Maple Leaf Cookies.

THE KEY WEST FORD SHOW & SHINE July 16

The popular event that really shines is once again rolling into Downtown New Westminster! C o o l c ar s , gr e a t e a t s , a n d interactive free fun for the whole family. Come and join in the fun! All along Columbia Street in Downtown New Westminster! Presented by Key West Ford, the Downtown New West BIA and the City of New Westminster.

A SAPPERTON TOUR: EAST COLUMBIA, THE HOSPITAL, SAPPERTON PARK, A MOVIE THEATRE AND MORE July 15, 3:00 p.m.

This tour Sunday, will begin at Sapperton Park, located at the corner of East Columbia Street at

Sherbrooke Street. The tour will end in the same area. The tour will last 1½ to 2 hours, goes rain or shine, and there is no need to preregister. It will start at the Park and then proceed north along East Columbia to Braid Street. This tour will feature more information on Sapperton Park, the Royal C olumbi a n Ho spi t a l t h a t i s celebrating its 150th Anniversary t his ye ar, and a pr ominen t community church. Also included will be stories of businesses, an early theatre, a bowling alley, a restaurant or two, streetcar lines and an occasional boxcar, and an artifact from the 1912 hospital. Call tour leaders Dale and Archie Miller at 604-5266113 for more information. You can also email them at information@senseofhistory. com

NEW WESTMINSTER HISTORICAL SOCIETY

6th Avenue, New Westminster. The programs are free, everyone is welcome, and there is no need to register in advance. For more information about this group or a program call 604526-6113.

WALKING CLUB

• Zumba – July • Breakdance & Ballroom – July 13 • Belly Dance – July 20

Meet every Wednesday morning at 10:00 a.m. in the lower level Food Hall Kiosk of the River Market at the Quay

• Salsa – July 27

Looking for a way to improve your physical fitness and have a good time too? Stretch your legs with River Market staff by having a brisk walk along the boardwalk. Join the Wellness Wednesday Walking Club. It’s FREE!

The Province announced the n e w H om e A d a p t a t i o n s f or Independence (HAFI) program in Januar y 2012 to help lowincome B.C. seniors and people with disabilities finance home modifications for accessible, safe and independent living. Eligible homeowners, renters and landlords can receive up to $20,000 per home in the form of a forgiveable loan.

QUEESBOROUGH SUMMER SIZZLE

Wednesdays, 1:00 p.m. Ryall Park - 920 Ewen Avenue, New Westminster

July 18, 7:30 p.m. to 8:45 p.m.

• July 4 – Pancho and Sal

Back in the 1880s the property that is now Queen’s Park in New Westminster was officially set aside for public use and it was given its name based the jubilee celebrations of Queen Victoria’s reign in 1887. This presentation will look at the park over the years since its naming and will include the overall landscape, the E xhibition buildings and si te, some spor t s her i t age, and a selection of stories and anecdotes from its histor y. In words and pictures this program will offer a wonderful armchair visit to the park.

• July 11 – Johnny B Good Magic

All programs are held on the third Wednesday of each month from 7:30 p.m. to 8:45 p.m. in the auditorium of the New Westminster Public Library, 716

Learn from some of the best dance instructors and bop ’til you drop… or until 9:00 p.m., anyway.

• July 18 – One Woman Circus

THERE IS STILL TIME TO APPLY

More information about the HAFI program can be found on BC Housing’s website at www. bchousing.org/HAFI or call 604-646-7055 or toll-free at 1-800-407-7757.

• July 25 – Sharmaine and Luvena (rain or shine) For more information call Queensborough Community Centre, at 604-525-7388.

DANCE UNDER THE EVENING SKY T.G.I.F. DANCING IN THE SQUARE

Lessons from 7:00 p.m. to 7:30 p.m. Dancing from 7:30 p.m. to 9:00 p.m. Outdoors in HYACK SQUARE at the foot of 8th Street Dance under the evening sky in Downtown New Westminster!

MONDAY TO THURSDAY 9AM – 7PM | FRIDAY 9AM – 6PM SATURDAY 9AM – 4PM | SUNDAY 9AM – 3PM

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July 2012 CANADIAN COMPLAINTS ABOUT AMERICANS • Won’t acknowledge enormous cultural contributions of Jim Carrey and Howie Mandel. • We’re pretty sure they’re holding Wayne Gretzky there against his will. • Every time we mention the city “Regina”, they won’t stop giggling. • Incredibly, they only have one word for “snow”. • They call it American cheese, even though it was invented by Gordon Lightfoot. • They’ve never even heard of our most popular superhero, Captain Saskatchewan.

Who is the current President of the downtown New Westminster B.I.A.?

Guide to North America as Seen by Americans FACT: 80% of Canada’s population is located within 100 miles of the border of the United States. OPINION: Canada may invade the US at any

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given moment. FACT: Some Canadians speak French. OPINION: Canadians speak French so that Americans can’t understand them. FACT: Canada has maritime boundry disputes with the US. OPINION: Canada will try anything to increase its size. FACT: Canada’s population growth rate is higher then that of the United States. OPINION: Canadians are trying to over populate the world. FACT: Canadians have a longer life expectancy rate then Americans. OPINION: Canadians may not be human. (Ed. Note. Canadians have a public health care system)

Try to fill in the missing numbers. The missing numbers are integers between 0 and 9. The numbers in each row add up to totals to the right. The numbers in each column add up to the totals along the bottom. The diagonal lines also add up the totals to the right. Solution on page 18.

FACT: In Ontario (the province that is home to the capital of Canada, Ottawa) it is now legal for women to go topless in public.

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OPINION: Canada is sliding down the slippery slope of immorality and plans to drag the USA along with it. FACT: Canada has 6,522,092 males fit for military service. OPINION: Canadian soldiers are all prepared to give their lives for the betterment of the country. FACT: The popular Fox TV show “The X-Files” is filmed in Canada. OPINION: Canadians are actually alien invaders from another galaxy.

DANCE? Q: What would you call the premier of Nova Scotia? A: The Bossanova.

ONE WAY TO SEE A TOONIE The Royal Canadian Mint created the toonie without seeing it this way. It has the Queen on the head side and a polar bear on the back side. This makes Canada the first country in the Commonwealth to have a coin with: THE QUEEN ON THE FRONT SIDE WITH A WHITE BEAR BACKSIDE!

IN CANADA In Canada, we could have had: • British culture • French passion, and • American know-how Instead we got: • British passion • American culture, and • French know-how

OUR COMFORT ZONE Q: Why does a Canadian cross the road? A: To get to the middle.

Confessions of a Former Teen Angster!! By Reese McBeth, Humourist ©2012

As a teen my hero was Bruce Lee. He was everything I wasn’t; he was everything I wanted to be. He was strong, he was smart, he was a master of the martial arts — and he was Chinese! The only thing I wanted more than a British bulldog or the ability to fly was to be Chinese! On occasion I would try to convince people that I was Chinese, and that Bruce Lee was my father. It was incredibly obvious that he wasn’t, but I tried. I think I actually started to believe it. I cut my hair like him, I dressed like him — I even tried to walk like him. I tried to convince my gym teacher one day that I had incredible Bruce Lee abs. It was pretty embarrassing when he called my bluff and asked me to show the whole class. It was humiliating because I was one of those extremely skinny kids with a gut. The humiliation in gym class did not stop my obsession. I learned everything I could about Asian culture. I even started hanging out with the Asian kids in my class. It was actually more like I was following them around… At first I think they were annoyed, but once they figured out I wasn’t going to go away they accepted me. Actually it was a different type of acceptance — it was more like ignoring. I even built a dojo in my basement and started my own Kung Fu school (even though I didn’t know kung fu). I had three students — all of whom after three months of training with me were beaten up by neighbourhood bullies. When they asked why the moves I taught them didn’t work, I told them it was because they were “white” and they would have to train for many years before the moves could work — and they needed a certificate of approval from someone actually born in Hong Kong. I could never tell my students that my first fight was with a girl, smaller than me, who punched me so hard in the eye it made me cry. I actually can’t believe she hit me! I was wearing my silver Bruce Lee belt buckle, nothing bad ever happened when I wore my silver Bruce Lee belt buckle. It really sucked. …to be continued in the next Piffle!!

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July 2012

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MUST BE MY FAULT Q: What does a Canadian say when you step on his foot? A: Answer-”sorry”

What’s In A Name? Here’s a joke about how Canada got its name: When John A. MacDonald and Friends were trying to figure out the name of this great place, someone had a great idea. Let’s stick all the letters into a hat and draw 3 of them. That will the new name of this place. So they did and “CANADA” • 1st letter is pulled and the guy shouts - “C” eh!? • 2nd letter is pulled and the guy shouts “N” eh!? • 3rd letter is pulled and the guy shouts - “D” eh!?

THE NEWFIE & QUEBEC Q: Why did the Newfie wanted Quebec to separate? A: He wanted to be closer to Ontario.

CAN WE AFFORD IT? When a Canadian thinks of Hell… they wonder what the heating bill must be.

HOMES At parties, a Canadian asks you upstairs so he can examine your caulking and get the name of your weather stripping man.

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July 2012

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4. Make a Move on Your Secretary Day 5. Hallmark Card Day 6. Bring Your Handgun to Work Day 7. Cretienmas 8. Deadbeat Father’s Day

Tuesday Nights OPEN JAM 8pm–11pm with

9. Bad Hair Day 10. Doris Day 11. St. Hooter’s Day 12. Hash Wednesday

THE TEST Years ago Prime minister Brian Mulroney called George Bush and he asked him “Why the hell did you take Dan Quayle as vicepresident?” George says “He passed the intelligence test.” “What was that test?” I asked him. “If your mother has a baby and it’s not your brother and not your sister, who is it? And Dan answered ‘It’s me’ so I hired him.”

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“Good idea,” says Brian. “I’ll try that on my finance minister.” So he asks Joe Clark the same question. Joe says “Well can I give you an answer in a day or two?” “No prob.”

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Joe is completely in the dark so he asks Jean Charest the same question. Jean answers: ”It’s me of course.” Happy Joe goes back to Brian and says

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“I’ve got the answer to your question… if my mother has a baby who is neither my brother or my sister, it’s Jean Charest.” Shaking his head Brian says “Your such a dork; it’s Dan Quayle you idiot.”

PLEASE & THANK YOU Q: How do you empty a swimming pool of Canadians? A: “Excuse me, could everyone please get out of the pool?”

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July 2012

SPEAKING CANADIAN If you were to travel to Canada, you would

Canadians use “raised vowel” sounds (which obviously shows us that they are trying to

soon run into a Canadian and a few of

raise themselves above Americans), which

his or her friends. If you started to have

make them sound as if they come from

a conversation with them, you would most

England. If you listen to a Canadian say

likely quickly notice the extra words that

“out and about”, you will hear “oot and

the Canadians add to the English language.

aboot”. Therefore, it is true to say that

At first, we thought that these words were

Candians don’t speak English, they speak

only a type of slang that the Canadians

Canadian, which is a language in itself.

had some how picked up. But, under closer

Another thing that the Canadians do in

inspection we have found that these extra

order to confuse Americans is by using

words such as eh? are actually a way

different words to describe certain objects.

for Canadians to secretly communicate

For example: Canadians say, “an elastic”,

amongst themselves. Adding to this lack of

instead of saying, “a rubber band”.

understanding that Americans have for the

Other examples are as follows: A chesterfield

secret Canadian language, is the fact that

= couch. Runners = tennis shoes. Cash register

25% of the Canadian population speaks

= a till. A Bum = a Butt. There are many more.

French, which most Americans cannot. I will now try to explain the speech of the Canadians In about 2 sentences:

If you take the time to read some Canadian text you will notice a lot of extra “u’s behind “o’s, such as in colour, flavour, humour, and neighbour. Some of the “r”s are shy and frightened of appearing at the end of words, as in The Centre of Arts. This is just another example of how the Canadians are trying to fool Americans.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN VANCOUVER WHEN… • Your co-worker tells you he has eight body piercings… none are visible. • You make well over $100,000 and you still can’t find a nice place to live. • You think anyone who drives a car to work is decadent. • You keep a list of companies to boycott. • You would never dream of crossing a picket line. • You realize there are far more Rainbow flags in the city than Canadian flags. • The guy who cuts your hair is straight, and your plumber is gay. Another fine “time distraction” brought to you by your local Piffle Magazine.

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland


July 2012

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• Old friends you haven’t talked to in years suddenly call. “Do you have a spare bedroom for a weekend?” • You think anyone wearing a Preston Manning haircut is Preston Manning. • You can’t remember… is pot still illegal? • You go to your office manager’s baby shower. The parents are named Judy and Amber. • You give a “thumbs up” gesture to a car with a “FREE TIBET” bumper sticker and you mean it. • You have a very strong opinion where your coffee beans are grown, and are willing to fight about it. • A really great parking spot can move you to tears.

POET’S CORNER

with Poet Laureate New We

CANDICE JAMES

stminster

Show & Shine by Candice James ©2012 It’s “Show & Shine” time here in New West! An antique and vintage vehicle fest. Columbia street struts its stuff all day. Boss vintage cars, are dazzling delights. A boss Chevrolet, A cool Cabriolet In glorious gloss, are beautiful sights.

• A man walks on Robson in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don’t notice. • You curse those damn tourists… but always stop to help a cute person who is looking puzzled at a city map. • Your child’s 3rd grade teacher has a nose ring and is named “Breeze”. • You are thinking of taking an adult education class, but you can’t decide between a Yoga, Channeling, or Building Your Web Site class. • You own an expensive Gore-Tex mountaineering jacket and wear it 90% of the time. • You run the risk of being trampled by all the running clubs out at 8am on Sunday morning. • Your choices for vegetarian food aren’t limited to the salad bar at Bonanza. • You ride the SeaBus on weekends because

Cars, trucks, vans and motorcycles Paint jobs polished to shine like a diamond, Stunning chrome gleams On all the machines And muscle cars flex their brawn in the sun Audio radiance fills up the air. Excitement and smiles, evidenced everywhere. The bands are playing. The crowds are swaying In the midst of this annual antique wheels fair. The street is sparkling with colour and pomp As adults, seniors and kids shuffle by. It’s such a delight, A spectacular sight. Show and shine candy fills up every eye. Day’s end ushered in by the dusk of night. A cherry red Sting Ray driving away. A pale blue Monarch, Fades into the dark, Leaving behind echoes of yesterday.

it’s only a one zone fare. • And you love to ask question of the handsome marine attendants.

New West Poets: please submit your “New West” poems for this column to candicejames@shaw.ca or call 778-322-1131 for info.

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July 2012

Sargent’s City Scene Key West Ford 13th Annual Show & Shine

July 8, 10:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m.

The popular event that really shines is once again rolling into Downtown New West! The Key West Ford Show & Shine marks the 13th annual car show organized by the Downtown New Westminster BIA. From 10:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m. on July 8, more than 300 cars and 50 vendors w ill reside on t he closed-of f Colu mbia Street and upwards of 100,000 people will fill the Downtown area for the day. The Poker Run will take place on Saturday, July 7th, ever yone is we lc ome f r om c a r s , motorcycles to cyclists. We even offer a newly

introduced walking poker run this year ideal for families. Participants will draw a card at each location to make their best poker hand at the end of day. Check in at City Hall for all routes, from there you’ll be directed to various checkpoints around the City and end up at Boston Pizza in Columbia Square Plaza where prizes will be awarded. Key West Ford, this year’s title sponsor, will set up between 8th and Begbie for an exciting interactive experience. The first 500 people to visit their block will have their picture taken with Kirk McLean in the Roush Booth, as well as receive an autographed picture of McLean. In order to get a copy of the picture, like the Key West Ford page on Facebook. The food variety available during the event is worth highlighting this year as new and exciting vendors will emerge on Columbia Street. For quality Southern-style pulled Pork, visit the Re-up BBQ tent, who Western Living Magazine named as one of the best food carts in Canada. Also on that list is Japadog, the high profile hot dog vendor with locations in Vancouver and New York, who will have their first highly anticipated appearance in New West featuring their famous juicy Japanese style hot dogs. And be sure to visit the Chronic Tacos tent, who

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Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland


July 2012

17

have been expanding like wildfire across BC and California, feeding the crowds with authentic Mexican f lavour.

What else is new for Show & Shine this year? Here is the complete list… • Key West Ford Block between 8th and Begbie featuring the Roush Booth and Photo Opp with Kirk McLean • Trev Deeley Motorcycles on Begbie • Visit the Northbank Presentation Centre and fall in love with the views! • In addition to car/motorcycle runs, register for Walking and Cycling Poker Run routes! Start at City Hall between 10:00 a.m. and 1:00 p.m. on Saturday July 7 • 50/50 Draw in partnership with RCH Foundation • Japadog, Chronic Tacos, and Re-up BBQ among several great food vendors • West Coast Wellness & Living Oasis sponsored by the West Coast College of Massage Therapy. Ladies you won’t want to miss out on mini manis, massages, and shopping in the courtyard oasis at 6th and Columbia • Bosleys Pet Lounge — give your dog a beak! Water and shade for our furry friends

Please contact the BIA office via phone at 604524-4996 or email to info@downtownnewwest. ca for more information. See www.downtownnewwest.ca for full event schedules and details.

Burnaby’s Canada Day Celebration at Ron McLean Park

July 1, 11:00 a.m. to 2:30 p.m.

Edmonds and Eastburn Community Centres again collaborate to bring on this fun-filled community event. Activities include: amazing multicultural entertainment, various family activities, the ever popular BINGO, cake and multicultural food. Be sure to wear red and show your Canadian pride! NEW LOCATION: Ron McLean Park — parking will be limited, please take transit, carpool, walk or use shuttle bus. Shuttle bus service departing from Edmonds Community Centre parking lot beginnings at 10:30 a.m.

For more info, call 604-297-4400.

City Scene End

CARBON MONOXIDE

Carbon monoxide (CO) is a poisonous gas that you cannot see, smell or taste. It is produced by the incomplete burning of fuels such as natural gas, propane, heating oil, kerosene, coal, charcoal or wood. Improperly installed or poorly maintained appliances that run on these fuels may create unsafe levels of CO. Therefore, it is important that such appliances are installed and regularly maintained by trained service technician. In enclosed spaces such as your home, cottage or recreational vehicle, even a small amount of CO is dangerous.

SYMPTOMS

Exposure to CO can cause flu-like symptoms such as headaches, nausea, dizziness, burning eyes, confusion, drowsiness and even loss of consciousness. In very severe cases, CO poisoning can cause death. Older people, people with heart or breathing problems, children and pets may experience the effects earlier than others. At any time, if you or anyone else in your home is experiencing the symptoms of CO poisoning, immediately get everyone out of the house and seek medical help. Call 911.

CARBON MONOXIDE ALARMS

All carbon monoxide alarms should bear the CSA seal of approval. At least one alarm should be installed at knee-height, near the sleeping area of your home, cottage and recreational vehicle. You may need more than one alarm if sleeping areas are on more than one level. Refer to the manufacturer’s instructions for more information about proper use and maintenance of your alarms. If a CO alarm sounds in your home, cottage or recreational vehicle, open all doors and windows to ventilate. If you cannot find the problem and the alarm continues, leave the building and contact a qualified service technician to check your fuel-burning equipment.

DANGER SIGNS

• Symptoms of CO poisoning • Stale or stuffy air • Smell of gas when the fuel-burning appliance turns on • Pilot light on your fuel-burning appliance goes out • Chalky white powder forms on the chimney or exhaust vent pipe • Excessive moisture forms on windows and walls • CO alarm sounds

Your New Westminster Fire and Rescue Services cares about you and your safety! If you require further information, please visit our website at: www.newwestcity.ca or call the Fire Prevention Division at 604-519-1004.

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18

July 2012

Piffle’s MATH MADNESS

THE ALBERTAN IN PARIS The first question an Albertan asked the tour guide, when they approached the Eiffel Tower, was “How many barrels a day does it produce?”

THAT’S THE RIGHT ANSWER Met a guy the other day and asked him if he had lived in Canada all his life. “Not yet,” was the answer.

GOOD LORD Some bankers sure are dumb. I took some Canada Savings bonds in, and they asked me, “Do you want them redeemed or converted?” A bit put out at their ignorance, I replied, “What are you, a bank or a church?” Try to fill in the missing numbers. Use the numbers 1 through 9 to complete the equations. Each number is only used once. Each row is a math equation. Each column is a math equation. Remember that multiplication and division are performed before addition and subtraction. Solution on page 23.

A VERY BIG SANDSTORM In the summer of 1988 there was a fierce sandstorm in Saskatchewan. A farmer found a hat laying in his field. He picked it up and found

Piffle’s NUMBER BLOCKS

the head of his neighbour, very much alive. “Wow, exclaimed the farmer”, I’ll get a shovel and dig you out!”

Solution from page 10

“You better bring a backhoe,” was the response, “I’m sitting on a horse!”

IT’S ALL IN HOW YOU SAY IT A French guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some

THE VISITOR By Glenn Jones

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Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland


July 2012

19

pepper. “Black pepper, or white pepper” he was asked. “Toilet pepper!”

Mating call: “How’d you like to come back to my place for some screenplay?”

CANADIAN MALE BIRDS OF SUMMER: HALIFAX PREPRODUCTION PIGEON Identifying plumage:

CANADIAN MALE BIRDS OF SUMMER: TORONTO GAWKING HAWK

Expensive eyewear, cell phones and black

Identifying plumage:

caps touting the names of TV shows and

Tank tops, flip-flops and, yes, the

movies (the latter is also used to impress

occasional gold chain.

the female).

Daytime habitat:

Daytime habitat:

Usually found in gaggles on the boardwalk

A sensitive sort, it circles the quiet

of Ashbridges’s Bay, these hawks prey

shores of Crystal Crescent Beach.

on bikini-clad females and crow tales of

Wets its beak with:

bench-pressing glory.

Frequent dips into Propeller Extra

Wets its beak with:

Special Bitter.

Repeated chugs of Mike’s Hard

Migration patterns:

Lemonade (hard like it’s muscles)

Retires by midnight to meet early morning call times.

continued on next page

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20

July 2012 Migration patterns: Plans to be out all night, but passes out by 1 a.m. Mating call: “Hey, sweetheart, how you doin’?”

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CANADIAN MALE BIRDS OF SUMMER: VANCOUVER WRECK BEACH WOODPECKER (a close relative of the naked jaybird) Identifying plumage: Birkenstocks, nose rings and facial hair of the beard variety. Daytime habitat: The longs and sand of Wreck Beach, (a nude beach) where it seeks full-body exposure (NB: the gawking hawk is unwelcome and therefore nearly extinct in these parts) Wets its beak with: Slow, deliberate sips of dandelion coffee. Migration patterns: 24-7 Mating call: “Love your aura.”

TV SHOPPING A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland


July 2012

21

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn’t serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn’t serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn’t serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, “How in the world do you know I am a blonde?” The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,”That’s not a TV… it’s a microwave!”

THE ROOSTER PUZZLE Submitted by Judy Bishop

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says,

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“Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.” Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?” The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.” Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.” He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, but first,” he said with a deep sigh, “Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”

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Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland

(Our competitive rates will make you smile too.) Jokes + Local Stories + Community Events + Horoscopes + Puzzles Full Colour or Black & White • Full Month Exposure • Back Issues Archived Online Distributed in Doctor’s Offices, Pubs, Banks, Restaurants, Pharmacies… and more!

Contact Publisher & Editor Chris Sargent Today! Phone

604-525-9027

Email

publisher@piffle.ca

Web

piffle.ca


July 2012

23

FAMILY TREE OF VINCENT VAN GOGH His dizzy aunt… Verti Gogh The brother who ate prunes… Gotta Gogh

LIZA’S

The brother who worked at a convenience store… Stop N Gogh The grandfather from Yugoslavia… U Gogh His magician uncle… Where-diddy Gogh The nephew who drove a stage coach… Wells-far Gogh The little bouncy nephew… Poe Gogh A sister who loved disco… Go Gogh And his niece who travels the country in an RV… Winnie Bay Gogh I saw you smiling… there ya Gogh

CHECK Your Shampoo! Check your shampoo bottle label. I don’t know WHY I didn’t figure this out sooner. It’s the shampoo I use in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body and (duh!) printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning: FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY No wonder I have been gaining weight! Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish soap instead. Their label reads: DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE

HOROSCOPES July 2012

ARIES: Your probably going to hear from past lovers and friends during this time. Mercury is lighting up your 5th house of fun, enjoy the good times ahead. TAURUS: Intuitive insights will light this period. You may feel inventive. Your mind at this time is activated; channel your talent effectively. GEMINI: Go into planning mode and not action mode. Bide your time. Conversations may grow insincere and superficial. Take heed before you speak. CANCER: Personal possessions and finances may preoccupy your mind. Plan your finances for the future and not spend what you have today. LEO: Try not to be to aggressive when conveying your wisdom to others. Make notes when sudden insights occur, they will come in handy in the near future. VIRGO: Your mind may be so receptive that it becomes overwhelmed. Transfer that energy into writing, poetry or something artistic. LIBRA: Invent or create something during this time. Individuality will not work. Get together with others for ideas and creative insights. SCORPIO: Easily depressed? Moody? Focus your energies on getting the job done. Make money the main motivator and all will be well.

Problem Solved.

Piffle’s MATH MADNESS Solution from page 18

SAGITTARIUS: Study, do some inspired writing, get philosophical. Learn from people whose wisdom you respect. Plan that vacation now. CAPRICORN: Your depth might surprise you. Curb your sarcastic wit or arguments will occur. You may be asked to take care of wills or taxes. AQUARIUS: You will work well in group endeavors. Communications within partnerships may cause stress. Listen before reacting. PISCES: This is an excellent time for detailed work and practical thinking. In personal relationships, others may find you cold and fault finding. Be nice.

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24

July 2012

TAILGATING

He said, “I’m very sorry for this mistake.

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He

You see, I pulled up behind your car while

did the right thing,stopping at the crosswalk,

you were blowing your horn, flipping off

even though he could have beaten the red light

the guy in front of you and cussing a blue

by accelerating through the intersection

streak at him. I noticed the ‘What Would

The tailgating woman was furious and honked

Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the ‘Choose

her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed

Life’ license plate holder, the ‘Follow Me to

her chance to get through the intersection,

Sunday-School’ bumper sticker, and the

dropping her cell phone and makeup.

chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face

the trunk, so naturally… I assumed you had stolen the car.’’

of a very serious police officer. The officer

was searched, fingerprinted, photographed,

PERKS OF REACHING 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

and placed in a holding cell.

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

was escorted back to the booking desk where

3. No one expects you to run… anywhere.

the arresting officer was waiting with her

4. People call at 9 PM and ask,”did I wake

personal effects.

you?” 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 7. Things you buy now won’t wear out. 8. You can eat supper at 4 P.M. 9. You can live without sex but not your glasses. 10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans. 11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room. 13. You sing along with elevator music. 14. Your eyes won’t get much worse. 15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service. 17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland


July 2012

25

TO FORGIVE IS DIVINE

Q: What is a maniokleptic?

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and

A: Someone who walks backwards into shops and leaves things behind.

asked for forgiveness. Q: What has four wheels and flies?

RETIREMENT

A: A garbage truck.

Q: How many days in a week? A: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Q: What is pink and goes “knio, knio?”

Q: When is a retiree’s bedtime?

A: A backward pig.

A: Three hours after he falls asleep on Q: Why can't you keep any secrets in a bank?

the couch.

A: Because of all the tellers.

And Now for Some Q & A Q: What is the center of gravity?

104 YEAR OLD Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old

A: The letter v.

woman: Q: What is made of chocolate and is found at the bottom of the sea? A: An oyster egg.

“And what do you think is the best thing about being 104,” the reporter asked. She simply replied, “No peer pressure.”

Come explore New Westminster’s new award-winning

Westminster Pier Park along the banks of the Fraser River and in the heart of downtown.

www.newwestcity.ca www.newwestcity.ca

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July 2012 The Good Doctor A doctor in St John's Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so

Honestly driven.

he approached his janitor. "I am goin' huntin' tomorrow Buddy and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients and I'll give

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you fifty bucks." "Yes, sir," answers Buddy. The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, Buddy, How was your day?" Buddy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a Headache so I gave him TYLENOL." "Bravo Buddy! The second one," asks the doctor. "The second one had a bad stomach and I gave him MAALOX, sir," says Buddy.

Andy Bradshaw, owner of Sherlock’s the British Store

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one," asks the Doctor. "Well Sir, I was sitting here having a smoke and suddenly the door flies opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: HELP ME… I haven't seen a man in over two years. "Lard Tunderin' Yeezus, Buddy!!! What did you do?" I put drops in her eyes!!

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Lost in Translation Sven says to Ole: "Close your curtains da next time you're havin' sex vit Lena. Da whole street vas vatchin' and laughin' at you yesterday." Ole says back: "Vell, da joke's on dem, 'cause I vasn't even home yesterday!"

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#103-450 E Columbia St, New Westminster 604-540-6440 | www.glassowine.com will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!" Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?" "No, sweetheart," she responds. Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks,

Temporarily Stranded Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an

"Esther, did we pay our MasterCard yet?" "Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the cheque," she says. "One last thing Esther, did you remember to send the check for the Visa card this month," he asks. "Oh, forgive me, Abe," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either." Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest

uncharted island below us and we should

kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and

be able to land on the beach. However, the

asks him, "What was that for," Abe answers,

odds are that we may never be rescued and

"They'll find us!"

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July 2012 How children perceive their Grandparents… 1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of Know your limit,

her young granddaughter, as she'd done

play within it.

many times before. After she applied her

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Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland

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a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wideeyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!" 5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland


July 2012

29

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read." 7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6." 10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma,

learned her colors yet, so I decided to test

guess what? We learned how to make

her. I would point out something and ask

babies today." The grandmother, more

what color it was. She would tell me and

than a little surprised, tried to keep her

was always correct. It was fun for me, so I

cool. "That's interesting," she said‌

continued. At last, she headed for the door,

"How do you make babies?"

saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just

figure out some of these colors yourself!" 8. When my grandson Billy and I entered

change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'." 11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence

our vacation cabin, we kept the lights

about a public servant," said a teacher.

off until we were inside to keep from

The small boy wrote: "The fireman came

attracting pesky insects. Still, a few

down the ladder pregnant." The teacher

fireflies followed us in. Noticing them

took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't

before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use

you know what pregnant means," she

Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming

asked.

after us with flashlights."

"Sure," said the

continued on next page

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30

July 2012 young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child." 12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started

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close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants. 13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport." 14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

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15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.

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• I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now. • When chemists die, they barium.

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• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. • A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran • I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time. • How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. • I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me

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July 2012

31

• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore . • I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down. • I did a theatrical performance about pun. It was a play on words. • They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type- O. • A dyslexic man walks into a bra. • Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. • I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. • How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it! • Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? • When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. • What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds. • I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me! • Broken pencils are pointless. • I tried to catch some fog. I mist. • What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus. • England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. • I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest. • All the toilets in New Westminster's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on. • I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough. • Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes. • Velcro - what a rip off! • Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

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1988 CAVALIER, 2DCPE .......................................................$1,988 2011 CAVALIER, 2DR CPE LS ...............................................$3,888 2002 MALIBU, V6 AUTO AC PW PL .......................................$4,488 2005 NEON SX 2.0, 4DR ...................................................$4,728 2003 SEBRING LX, 4CY AUTO AQC PW PL............................$4,888 2005 SENTRA, 4DR 1.8 ......................................................$5,788 2003 MALIBU LS, 4DR.........................................................$5,888 2006 WAVE, AUTO AIR .........................................................$5,988 2006 COBALT, 4 CYL AUTO PW PL AC ..................................$6,820 2002 PT CRUISER LX, 4DR WGN LX .....................................$6,833 2007 G5,4DR .....................................................................$7,238 2003 CIVIC DG-X, 4DR AUTO ...............................................$7,888 2005 FORTWO CONV, 2DR...................................................$7,888 2007 CHEVROLET AVEO5 LT ................................................$7,888 2007 RIO5 EX, 5DR HB AUTO...............................................$8,188 2007 FOCUS SE, 4CY AUTO AC PW PL .................................$8,418 2005 FOCUS SES, 4DR ........................................................$8,488 2006 SEBRING, 4DR ...........................................................$8,488 2006 GRAND PRIX, V6 AUTO AC PW PL ................................$8,748 2008 FOCUS S, 4DR ............................................................$8,888 2009 LINCOLN LS, V8 AUTO AC PW PL ................................$8,950 2007 AVEO LT, 5DR WGN .....................................................$8,988 2006 GRAND PRIX, V6 AUTO AC PW PL ................................$8,988 2007 FOCUS ZX5 SES, HB 5DR............................................$9,278 2005 TIBURON, 2DR CPE GS ...............................................$9,688 2008 FOCUS S, 4DR ............................................................$9,828 2005 FREESTYLE, AUTO AIR ................................................$9,888 2006 FUSION, 4DR SEL ....................................................$9,888 2006 GRAND PRIX, 4DR ......................................................$9,988 2007 WAVE, 5DR WGN SE....................................................$9,988 2010 ACCENT, 4DR ...........................................................$10,888 2006 MAZDA3 GT, 4DR......................................................$10,888 2009 ACCENT, 3 DR AIR AUTO ...........................................$11,188 2008 FOCUS SE CPE, 2DR .................................................$11,788 2007 CHARGER, 4 DOOR ...................................................$11,888 2010 COBALT LT, 2DR CPE ................................................$11,888 2009 FOCUS SE ................................................................$11,888 2008 FOCUS SES, 2DR CPE ...............................................$11,888 2007 ALTIMA, 4DR I4 PW PL.............................................$11,988 2008 FOCUS SES, 4CYL AUTO AC PW PL ...........................$11,988

1023042 2921657 2691786 2659481 2651501 1091430X 1191697 1181601 2431672 2939583 2751353 293020X 1109509 1059715 1181590 2999726 2946105 1091430X 2759769 1009511 1191758 1191756 1009591 1131735 2896000 2803647 1099707 2891798 2899713 2891798 1191766 1191753 2899713 1009668 1009648 1191754 1109708 1109686 2699664 1101713

2010 FORTE LX, 4DR AUTO LX PLU ..................................$11,988 2009 RIO, 4DR AUTO EX CON ............................................$11,995 2006 MAZDA3 GT .............................................................$12,038 2006 MAGNUM, 4DR WGN RWD LOAD ..............................$12,288 2006 MAGNUM, V6 AUTO AC PW PL ..................................$12,488 2010 VERSA, AIR AUTO PW PL ...........................................$12,623 2011 FORTWO CPE, 2DR ...................................................$12,688 2011 ACCENT, 4DR ...........................................................$12,698 2004 AVALANCHE, 5DR 4WD 1500 ....................................$12,888 2009 COBALT, 4 CYL AUTO PW PL AC LOADED ..................$12,888 2007 MAGNUM, 4DR WGN RWD LOADED ..........................$12,888 2009 FOCUS SEL, 4DR ......................................................$12,988 2011 FIESTA, 4DR AIR ......................................................$12,999 2010 AVENGER, 4DR SE ...................................................$13,038 2011 ACCENT, PW PL AC 4 ...............................................$13,488 2009 CIVIC DX, 4DR AUTO .................................................$13,488 2009 G6, 4DR GT .............................................................$13,488 2010 NISSAN VERSA 1.8S .................................................$13,598 2007 CALIBER, 4DR WGN AWD R/T....................................$13,888 2010 FOCUS SES, 4CYL AUTO AC PW PL ...........................$13,888 2011 VERSA, 5DR HB I4 CVT 1.8 S ....................................$13,888 2011 VERSA, 5DR HB I4 CVT 1.8 S ....................................$13,888 2010 FOCUS SES, 4CYL AUTO AC PW PL ...........................$13,988 2011 IMPALA, 4DR LS ......................................................$14,188 2008 CIVIC EX-L, 4DR AT LTHR ..........................................$14,288 2008 FUSION S, 4DR V6 S ................................................$14,548 2010 ALTIMA, 4DR I4 PWR GRP ........................................$14,588 2008 HONDA CIVIC EX-L....................................................$14,688 2008 MAZDA5, 4DR WGN AUTO GS PWR GRP....................$14,788 2008 CIVIC EX-L, 4DR AT LTHR ..........................................$15,288 2011 MAZDA3 GX, 4DR AUTO...........................................$15,288 2011 MAZDA3 GX, 4DR MAN ...........................................$15,588 2008 MAZDA5 GS .............................................................$15,468 2010 FUSION SEL, 4DR .....................................................$15,888 2010 FUSION SEL, 4DR .....................................................$15,966 2011 MAZDA3, 4DR AUTO GX...........................................$15,999 2011 FIESTA SES HB, 5DR LTHR PWR MNRF .....................$16,428 2011 FIESTA SES HB, 5DR LTHR PWR MNRF .....................$16,458 2006 325I, 4DR RWD .......................................................$16,488 2011 FOCUS SES, 4CYL AUTO AC PW PL LTHR ROOF.........$16,688

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2899736 2691671 1119637 114923X 1211742 1111642 1219753 1111647 1211740 1211741 1219709 1119634 1119632 102951X 1111646 1119747 1019674

2004 KIA SEDONA LX ..........................................................$8,268 2012 GRAND CARAVAN, PW PL PM....................................$21,888 2011 E250 CARGO VAN, V8 AUTO AC PW PL ......................$22,488 2012 GRAND CARAVAN, PW PL PM....................................$22,888 2011 ECONOLINE CARGO E-250 VAN.................................$23,288 2010 ROUTAN, LEATHER FULL LOADED .............................$23,488 2011 E250 CARGO VAN, V8 AUTO AC .................................$23,688 2011 ECONOLINE CARGO E-250 VAN.................................$23,888 2010 TRANSIT CONNECT, VAN XL W/ SIDE/RR D ................$24,288 2011 E150 CARGO VAN, V8 AUTO AC PW PL ......................$24,488 2011 TRANSIT CONNECT, VAN XL W/ SIDE/RR D ................$24,495 2006 GMC W3500, 5.2L DIESEL 16FT BO ..........................$24,888 2010 E350 SD EXT WGN, V8 AUTO AC PW PL ....................$25,275 2011 E350 SD WAGON, V8 AUTO AC PW PL .......................$25,488 2008 E350 SD CUTAWAY, DRW 6.0L AC .............................$25,888 2011 E350 SD WGN, V8 AUTO AC PW PL ...........................$25,888 2007 SAVANA SPECIAL, 3500 139 WB CUBE VAN ..............$25,888 2012 E250 CARGO VAN, V8 AUTO AC .................................$26,488 2012 NV 2500, V8 SV HIGH ROO........................................$29,688 2012 NV 2500, V8 SV HIGH ROO........................................$30,488

SUVS 1011634 124925A 1119614 1119613 135001X

2010 NAVIGATOR, FULLY LOADED .....................................$45,888 2012 EDGE SEL AWD, 4DR LTHR PAN ROOF.......................$46,888 2011 NAVIGATOR, FULLY LOADED .....................................$52,447 2011 NAVIGATOR, FULLY LOADED .....................................$52,448 2013 EXPLORER 4WD, 4WD V6 LTHR LOAD .......................$52,888

2819119 2819664 2694944 116546X 1111695 1119628 1119630 1119629 282023 1011704 1131722 1159772 1011727 1111651 SUVS 1119549 2008 TOYOTA RAV4 LIMITED .............................................$16,998 1111702 2006 LINCOLN NAVIGATOR ULTIMATE................................$19,488 1111669 2011 EDGE LTD AWD, V6 AUTO AC PW PL .........................$36,999 126425A 126424A 2011 EDGE SPORT ............................................................$37,668 2012 EDGE SEL AWD, 4DR LTHR PAN ROOF.......................$37,888 2011 EXPEDITION XL 4X4, V8 AUTO AC PW PL...................$37,888 2609321X 2012 EDGE LTD AWD, V6 AUTO AC PW PL AW ....................$37,988 2709603 2011 EXPLORER LTD, 4DR 4WD ........................................$37,998 2603618 2012 EDGE LTD AWD, 4DR ................................................$38,280 2609732 2012EDGE LTD AWD, 4DR .................................................$38,488 2601624 2012 EDGE LTD AWD, V6 AUTO AC PW PL..........................$38,488 1201633 2011 EDGE SPT AWD, FULL LOAD WITH NAV .....................$38,688 1209615 2011 EDGE SPT AWD, FULL LOAD WITH NAV .....................$38,988 2705004 2010 YUKON XL, V8 LTHR SNRF.........................................$39,888 1209761 2011 EXPLORER LTD, 4DR.................................................$39,988 1209762 2011 EXPEDITION XLT, 4WD 4DR SSV................................$39,998 1101794 2010 NAVIGATOR, FULLY LOADED .....................................$45,688 113534X

2008 FORD RANGER XLT ...................................................$12,480 2008 FORD F-150 XLT.......................................................$19,188 2006 TOYOTA TACOMA ......................................................$21,558 2011 FORD F-150 .............................................................$40,488 2011 F150 XLT 4X4 CC, 4WD ............................................$40,888 2011 F150 LAR 4X4 CC, 5.0 PW PL AC ..............................$41,495 2011 F150 LAR 4X4 CC, ECOBOOST..................................$41,888 2011 F150 LAR 4X4 CC, ECO PW PL AC ............................$41,888 2008 F550 XLT 4X2 CH, DIESEL AUTO CHASSIS CAB .........$42,888 2010 F150 XLT 4X4 SC, V8 AUTO AC .................................$42,988 2011 SILVERADO 2500H, WELL EQUIPPED.........................$43,888 2011 RAM 1500, 4WD CREW 140.5 ST .............................$45,888 2010 F150 RAPTOR SC, 4WD SUPERCAB ..........................$47,488 2011 F350 LAR 4X4 CC, DIESEL AUTO AC PW PL 4X..........$49,888 2011 F150 RSH 4X4 CC, 5.0 FX4 4X4 ROUSCH ENGINE .....$50,888 2011 F150 RAPTOR CC, 4WD SPRCB 133 SVT R .. BLACK..$52,488 2011 F150 RAP 4X4 SC, SVT .............................................$53,888 2012 F150 PLT 4X4 CC, ECOBOOST LTHR..........................$56,888 2012 F150 PLT 4X4 CC, ECOBOOST LTHR..........................$56,888

TRUCKS

MUSTANGS 2006 MUSTANG CONV, AUTO LTHR LOAD..........................$14,488 2007 MUSTANG COUPE, POWER GROUP............................$15,888 2006 MUSTANG CONV GT, V8 STD AC PW PL .....................$16,880 2006 MUSTANG GT CONV, 2DR .........................................$21,488 2006 MUSTANG GT CONV, V8 AUTO LTHR LOADED ............$22,688 2012 MUSTANG CONV, 2DR PREMIUM ...............................$26,988 2012 MUSTANG CONV, 2DR PREMIUM ...............................$29,888 2007 MUSTANG CPE, $30000+ IN UPGRADES, ONLY 9000KM....$33,888 2012 MUSTANG GT CONV, V8 AUTO LTHR LOAD.................$34,988 2012 MUSTANG GT CONV, V8 AUTO LTHR LOAD.................$35,297 2011 MUSTANG GT CONV, V8 AUTO LTHR LOAD.................$35,888 2011 MUSTANG GT CONV..................................................$36,888

We carry the following: FORD: Grand Marquis E150, E250, E350, Contour, Cougar, Edge, Escape, Expedition, Explore, F150, F250, F350, Fiesta, Flex, Ford 500, Focus, Freestar,

Fusion, Mustang, Roush, Ranger, Taurus. LINCOLN: LincolnLS, Mks, Mkxl, Mkz, Navigator DODGE, JEEP CHRYSLER: Caliber, Caravan, Challenger, Compass, Dakota, Durango, Cherokee, Liberty, Magnum, Neon, Nitro, New Yorker, Pacifica, Patriot, PT Cruiser, Ram Pickups, Wrangler, Jeep YJ, Sebring. CHEVY, PONTIAC, BUICK, GM, SATURN: Avalanche, Aveo, Blazer, Cavalier, Cobalt, CTS, Express Van, GI, Grand Prix, H3, Impala, Malibu, Montana, Outlook, Regal, Safari, Savana Van, Sierra, Silverado, Torrent, Vibe, Vue, Wave, Yukon, Aveo. Imports:128i, 135i, Accord, Altima, Cayenne, Corolla, Civic, Elantra, Entourage, Grand Vitara, Juke, Kompressor, Matrix, Pathfinder, Rabbit, Range Rover, Rav4, Rio, Rogue, RX8, Sentra, Sienna, Soul 4U, Sportage, Tucson, Vera Cruz, Versa, X-Trail, X3, X5, XC70, XKR VEHICLES NOT EXACTLY AS SHOWN • OFFER EXPIRES FRIDAY, JUNE 22ND, 2012

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Piffle Magazine 2012-07