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April 2012  |  Your community humour magazine  |  issue 139

GORDON DOUGLAS: Representing your rights as a taxpayer. See the details in the City Scene section.

plus NEW on page 11 Confessions of a Former Teen Angster!! By Reese McBeth

Photo by Gabor Gasztonyi

YOUR DIABETES RESOURCE CENTRE

WE ARE OPEN Mon to Thur 9am – 7pm Fri 9am – 6pm Sat 9am – 4pm Sun 9am – 3pm

981 Carnarvon St New Westminster

604-523-6767

GORDON DOUGLAS Accounting & Management Services 470–604 Columbia St New Westminster

604-681-1197 Email: gord@gdcga.com Website: www.gdcga.com


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April 2012

Fin Donnelly, MP

New Westminster – Coquitlam & Port Moody Serving Our Community

Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Fin Donnelly’s Community office for assistance. Fin Donnelly’s Community Office: 1116 Austin Avenue, Coquitlam, BC, V3K 3P5

Phone: 604-664-9229 l Email: fin.donnelly@parl.gc.ca l www.FinDonnelly.ca

X L T T S I R H C E D O N W E

B H F Z D M M Q F P D O G E G

M R O Z J E S U S R I H N V A

X E Y U V M C Q O X I I T O P

C F G K E L J L I R W D T R E

O F X I X A L F C E D P A Z P

B E R B Q P I Q A V G V Y Y G

D U B M R C E S N O L O H B G

B O W Z U E U K R S V T E D F

C D O R B N T O O S U U Q G O

T K C G D H D S M A W F C K E

K X P A Q N W X A P C V P N B

T Z Y T F D M Y N E R W E Q H

D S N O P X X B S F C D Y H K

R E S U R R E C T I O N M X Z

WORD SEARCH CHRIST CRUCIFIXION EASTER FRIDAY GOOD JESUS LORD PALM PASSOVER RESURRECTION ROMANS SUNDAY

Peter Julian, MP Burnaby – New Westminster Serving Our Community

Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Peter Julian’s Community office for assistance. Peter Julian’s Community Office: 7615 Sixth Street, Burnaby, BC V3N 3M6

Phone: 604-775-5707 l Email: peter.julian.c1@parl.gc.ca l www.PeterJulian.ca

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland


April 2012

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Glenn Jones would like to hear from his fans. E-mail him at funnybones.by.jones@gmail.com.

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April 2012

Century House News “In The Mood” Presented by the talented Golden Age Theatre Group, directed by Margo Prentice In this humorous play, the senior actors of the Golden Age Theatre Group reveal their zeal and enthusiasm for live theatre. At Maytime Manor life takes an interesting twist, when romance gets a second chance, adult children interfere, new friends are made, a couple consider changing their living arrangements and an aged parent becomes a matchmaker.

All this drama is monitored by the cheery caregiver Ellie, who herself may find romance. The Golden Age Theatre Group have performed fourteen laughter filled shows since 2005 for thousands of appreciative theatre goers in New Westminster and surrounding areas. The accomplished playwright, Greg Finnegan of Victoria takes

us on this entertaining journey showing how seniors’ lifestyles have changed over these past twenty years, adding new zip to a senior’s life expectation.

Century House, 620 Eighth Street 604-519-1066

The Golden Age Theatre presents

REFRESHMENTS

INTERMISSION

DRAMA

ROMANCE

CENTURY HOUSE A Play written by Greg Finnegan of Victoria, BC A light-hearted look at life in a retirement home for three families over a two week period. Direct by Margo Prentice

FRIDAY, MAY 4, 2012 7:30 P.M. SATURDAY, MAY 5, 2012 1:30 P.M. Members $8.00 • Non Members $10.00 620 - 8th Street, New Westminster

604-519-1066

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland


April 2012

5

Q. Why was the Easter Bunny so upset? A. He was having a bad hare day! Q. Why shouldn’t you tell an Easter egg a good joke? A. It might crack up! Q. What did one colored egg say to the other? A. Heard any good yolks lately? Q. How many chocolate bunnies can you put into an empty Easter basket? A. Only one because after that, it’s not empty! Q. What kind of beans never grow in a garden? A. Jelly beans!

Rest in Peace

Alice Poisson

Q. How did the soggy Easter Bunny dry

June 18, 1918 – March 14, 2012

himself?

Mom of Art (Myrna), George, Betty (Ken), Don (Melinda), Marlene (Gerry). Mom had a very full life on earth and is now in heaven.

A. With a hare dryer! Q. How does the Easter bunny stay in shape? A. Lots of eggs-ercise! Q. What’s the best way to catch a unique rabbit? A. Unique up on him. Q. How do you catch a tame rabbit?

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AVERAGE When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

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ME WIFE HAS A BAD HABIT Finnegan: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up ‘til two o’clock in the morning. I can’t break her of it. Keenan: What on earth is she doin’ at that time? Finnegan: Waitin’ for me to come home.

Now available for sale at Renaissance Books and the New Westminster Museum

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April 2012 Q. What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams? A. They lived hoppily ever after! Q. Why can’t a rabbit’s nose be twelve inches long? A. Because then it would be a foot. Q. How can you tell which rabbits are the oldest in a group? A. Just look for the gray hares. Q. What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards? A. A receding hareline. Q. How do you know carrots are good for your eyes? A. Have you ever seen a rabbit with glasses? Q. What do you call a rabbit who tells jokes? A. A funny bunny. Q. What is a rabbit’s favorite dance? A. The Bunny Hop. Q. What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? A. 14 carrot gold. Q. What do you call a rabbit with fleas? A. Bugs Bunny. Q. Why did the Easter egg hide? A. He was a little chicken. Q. How do rabbits say good-bye to carrots? A. It’s been nice gnawing you! 636 Sixth Street, New Westminster

Q: How does a rabbit make gold soup? A: He begins with 24 carrots

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ONE PER CUSTOMER. EXPIRES APR. 30, 2012

Chris Sargent, Owner & Publisher Email: publisher@piffle.ca

Magazine Locally Owned & Published Fourth floor, 604 Columbia St New Westminster, BC V3M 1A5 Publisher & Editor: Chris Sargent Photography: Gabor Gasztonyi, Trevor Batstone & Darren Lulka Graphic Design: Cliff Blank production@piffle.ca

604-525-9027

Gabor Gasztonyi, Sales Rep Email: gabor@piffle.ca

604-290-7450

Email: info@piffle.ca Web: piffle.ca

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April 2012

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Q: What do you get when you cross a bunny with a spider? A: A harenet. Q: What does a bunny use when it goes swimming? A: A hare-net. Q: How do you make a rabbit stew? A: Make it wait for three hours! Q: What did the grey rabbit say to the blue rabbit? A: Cheer up! Q: What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A: A hot cross bunny. Q: How do you post a bunny?

Mayor Wayne Wright

A: Hare mail.

Happy Easter!

Q: How does the Easter Bunny say Happy Easter? A: Hoppy Easter Q: Why did the Easter egg hide? A: He was a little chicken!

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April 2012

Serving New Westminster since 2003. We thank all of you for your continued support of the last nine years!

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April 2012

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ROYAL CITY FARMERS MARKET

millionaire” Horace Vandergelder. Tickets on sale now!

The RCFM Winter Market features produce, fresh foods, prepared goodies, handmade crafts, and music and kids activities at every market. Free parking is available on the B deck of the downtown waterfront parkade.

Massey Theatre, 735 8th Avenue Contact: Royal City Musical Theatre Phone: 604-521-5050 www.masseytheatre.com

Saturday, April 7, 2012 at 10am-2pm

River Market at 810 Quayside Drive, New Westminster Contact: Royal City Farmers Market Phone: 778-928-7236 http://www.rcfm.ca

LIT FEST NEW WEST

Sat. April 14, 2012, all day

Annual festival showcasing local and BC based authors and poets for readings, workshops, performance events and marketplace exhibitions. Douglas College located at 700 Royal Avenue Contact Name: Arts Council of New Westminster Phone: 604-525-3244 www.artscouncilnewwest.org

ROYAL CITY MUSICAL THEATRE PRESENTS “HELLO, DOLLY!”

Thursday, April 12, 2012 Saturday, April 28, 2012 @ 8pm/2pm

“Hello, Dolly!” is back where she belongs; starring Colleen Winton as the flame headed matchmaker and David Adams as the curmudgeon “half

THE GOLDEN AGE THEATRE PRESENTS “IN THE MOOD”

Friday May 4, 2012 - Saturday, May 5, 2012 at Friday 7:30pm Saturday 1:30pm

A light-hearted look at life in a retirement home for three families over a two week period. Directed by Margo Prentice. Play written by Greg Finnegan of Victoria BC. Century House located at 620 8th Street, New Westminster Tickets Members $8.00/NonMembers $10.00 Contact: Century House Phone: 604-519-1066

leaders often look for opportunities to partner and collaborate as they all strive to achieve their strategic goals. One such collaboration exists between the Hyack Festival Association and the New Westminster Chamber of Commerce with the co-presentation of Dazzle. For ticket and sponsorship information, please check our sponsorship section for details or call the Hyack office at 604-522-6894.

FRATERNAL ORDER OF EAGLES MEAT DRAW Held Fridays 5pm-7pm and Saturdays 4pm-6pm at the Fireside Pub 421 East Columbia Street Sapperton, New Westminster

The meat is all from Thrifty Foods to stay local. The money raised goes to various charities like Cancer Research, diabetes, Special Olympic, Heart and Stroke, and other community projects.

DAZZLE GALA DINNER AND AUCTION

Saturday, April 21, 2012, 6:00pm Dazzle Gala Dinner & Auction – Saturday, April 21, 2012, 6:00pm

The annual gala evening will take place on Saturday, April 21st at the Executive Plaza Hotel & Conference Centre in Coquitlam, BC beginning at 6pm with host Keri Adams of CTV, Community

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April 2012 IT’S WHAT I SMELL Way back in the country one morning, Papa Mole stuck his head out of the mole hole and said, “What a beautiful morning! I think I smell sausage and pancakes!” Mama mole sticks her head out of the mole hole and said “I agree with you Papa, it is a truly nice morning. And, I smell maple syrup too.” Baby mole could not get his little head out of the mole hole and all he could smell was molasses.

LITTLE JONNIE’S WAYS One day mom was cleaning little Johnny’s room. In the closet she found an S&M

According to the Guinness Book of World Records, the largest Easter egg ever made was just over 25-ft high and made of chocolate and marshmallow. How much did it weight?

magazine. This was highly upsetting to her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. She finally asked him, “Well, what should we do about this?” Dad looked at her and said, “Well, I don’t

Piffle’s NUMBER BLOCKS

think you should spank him.”

YOU WON’T SEE THESE ON A GREETING CARD… 1.

Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder: What was I thinking?

2. Congratulations on your wedding day! 3. Too bad no one likes your wife. 4. How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby? 5. I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I’ve changed my mind. 6. I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you. 7. Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I Try to fill in the missing numbers. The missing numbers are integers between 0 and 9. The numbers in each row add up to totals to the right. The numbers in each column add up to the totals along the bottom. The diagonal lines also add up the totals to the right. Solution on page 19.

never knew what evil was before this! 8. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you’re not here to ruin it for me.

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland


April 2012

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9. As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you’ve given me. Like the need for therapy. 10. Before you go, I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You’ll probably need it again. 11. Someday I hope to get married. But not to you. 12. You look great for your age. Almost Lifelike! 13. When we were together, you always said you’d die for me. Now that we’ve broken up, I think it’s time you kept your promise. 14. I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here’s his leash, water bowl and chew toys. 15. We have been friends for a very long time What do you say we call it quits? 16. I’m so miserable without you It’s almost like you’re here. 17. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was? 18. You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket. I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.”

ON THE LAMB Q: What do you call a midget fortune-teller on the run from the law? A: A small medium at large.

AFTER THE DRILL After a hard day of drilling, the drill sergeant let the troops go. “All right, you idiots, report to the mess hall.” Everybody walked away, sweating and their heads down, thankful for the end of the hard day. Only one private remained. He looked at the officer and sincerely said, “Boy, there sure were a lot of them, huh, Sarge.”

IN MOTION A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Confessions of a Former Teen Angster!! By Reese McBeth, Humourist ©2012

As a teenager I had myself convinced that I was dying from puberty. People tried to convince me otherwise but none of them were in a battle with out of control hormones. Puberty was my own private war; I was like Martin Sheen in Apocalypse Now. Reality, I was more like the main character from American Pie, but way more nerdy. When I wasn’t obsessing about the crazy changes my body was going through, I was sitting in front of my television, crushing over the incredibly beautiful Mayim Bialik, the star of the hit TV series “Blossom”. I loved Blossom. I hoped one day we’d meet, and maybe walk down the street together, holding hands, bashfully flirting, thinking adult thoughts — like open mouth kissing, but not too open. I had been reprimanded by my very first girlfriend and told that I looked like a hungry lion that wanted to eat her face when I kissed. She also told me I kissed at a grade two level. At night my dreams were full of adventures with Mayim. I dreamt that we were forest children, running untethered through the trees, wearing matching hoodies with magic kung fu dragons on the back. If we ever ran into undesirables our dragons would shoot fire out of their nostrils to protect us. I would’ve loved to have been a magic kung fu dragon and shot fire out of my nose to protect Mayim, but in reality I was incredibly weak and had a plethora of allergies that made me faint at the sight of conflict. In school I would sit at my desk and daydream about inviting Mayim over to my house, to impress her in front of a romantic fire with my awesome nunchuck/air guitar display. I figured no girl could resist that. I would have offered to do the demonstration with my shirt off, but I was extremely pale and skinny (with a stomach of all things) and I thought Mayim might find my physique somewhat lacking. I thought I would spare her the bitter disappointment. Plus I had no underarm hair and was completely insecure about it. I was fifteen. Where in the heck was my underarm hair??? …to be continued in the next Piffle!!

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12

April 2012 Seductive Stare When I was in my 20s the ladies loved me. I had bedroom eyes that were seductive, mysterious, and hypnotic. Now at 35 and fat, I have hallway eyes, meaning, I see more hallways then bedrooms. I’m so depressed!

Pill(ow!) Talk The other night in the “bedroom” things weren’t going so well. My girlfriend stood up and in a concerned/passive aggressive voice told me that “Statistically, after the age of 35 your ‘birdie’ loses a little bit of steam. You know you can take magic birdie pills to make your little birdie turn into a big strong eagle.” Just to clarify… I was having a bad night. I had a bit of a headache and the hockey game was on, so my mind wasn’t where it should have been. Little birdie might have taken a little longer to take flight that night, and maybe the flight wasn’t as long as it usually is… but little birdie (pardon me, MEDIUM sized birdie) is as healthy as a horse and working fine. The thought that my girlfriend considers my manhood a little birdie is extremely, extremely depressing! What’s next? Is she now going to tell me that 10 minutes followed by an apology isn’t making love?

Age Sense I hate it when people say “Life begins at 40.” Life doesn’t begin at 40, life begins

Music lessons for all ages, all instruments, theory and RCM exam prep.

when you’re born.

Lost Your Mind Wouldn’t it be cool, say, if you lost your mind, all you had to do to get it back was ask somebody to phone it?

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PIANO Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland


April 2012

13

HOUSE CALL It was the middle of the night. Suddenly

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “they’re

there was a loud rapping on the doctor’s

coming for Christmas… and they’re paying

door, followed by a groan. The doctor angrily

their own way.”

thrust his head out of the window. “WELL?”

TGIF

he shouted. “No,” moaned the man. “Sick.”

The teacher said; Tommy, this is the fifth day this week you’ve had to stay after school.

HOW TO GET THEM THERE A man in Scotland calls his son in Edinburgh

What have you to say for yourself? I’m certainly glad it’s Friday, said Tommy.

the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; thirty years of misery is enough.” “Dad, what are you talking about” the son screams.

TV SHOPPING A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn’t serve blondes, so she goes back

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick

home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and

of each other, and I’m sick of talking about

asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said

this, so you can call your sister in Aberdeen

he doesn’t serve blondes.

and tell her “

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they’re

her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this

getting divorced,” she shouts. “I’ll take

time, she returns and asks a different clerk

care of this.”

this time.

She calls home immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn’t serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, “How in the world do you know I am a blonde?” The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,”That’s not a TV… it’s a microwave!”

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April 2012

Piffle’s MATH MADNESS

CINDERELLA’S CAT Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship. One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?” The Fairy Godmother replied “Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?” Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her

Try to fill in the missing numbers. Use the numbers 1 through 9 to complete the equations. Each number is only used once. Each row is a math equation. Each column is a math equation. Remember that multiplication and division are performed before addition and subtraction. Solution on page 22.

first wish: “I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension.” Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said “Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother”. The Fairy Godmother replied “It is the least I can do. What does your heart wish for your second wish?” Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: “I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again”. At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her very soul. “You have one more wish, what shall you have?” Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said: “I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful and

Another fine “time distraction” brought to you by your local Piffle Magazine.

handsome young man”.

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland


April 2012

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Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological makeup, that when complete he stood before her, a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet. “Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life.” And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone. For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, “I bet you regret having me neutered now, don’t you?”

SPOT’S TAIL Patrons of a pub mourned the passing of the bar’s mutt, Spot. They cut off his tail and framed it as a memorial. Spot was about to enter heaven when St. Peter stopped him. “Heaven’s a place of perfection,” said the saint. “You deserve to enter but not without your tail. Go back and retrieve it.” In the middle of the night Spot scratched on the door of the pub. “It’s the spirit of our dear Spot” exclaimed the bartender. “What can I do for you?” Spot said he needed his tail to enter heaven. “Oh, sorry,” the barkeeper replied, “but my liquor license doesn’t allow me to retail spirits

POET’S CORNER

with Poet Laureate New We

CANDICE JAMES ©2012

stminster

LIT FEST NEW WEST APRIL 12–14, 2012

Thursday night beat — Dead Poets Slam, Sisters and brothers of spoken word Gathering at the Heritage Grill Sharing imagination, anticipation; A buzz of creativity, Echoing through the city. Friday night fright – Mystery Writers Leaving clues in the Library, Teasing in strategy, tragedy, Wrapping us up In their world for awhile, Whetting our appetite for more. Saturday – Marketplace Madness, Douglas College, crowds bustling, Open Mic, tables, books, authors, Workshops, panels, teachers, students; Atmosphere thick with literary lore Camaraderie, caring, sharing, Wearing of the word Permeating the walls Of knowledge and learning. Saturday Night Show– Grand Finale Mainstage, Douglas College; Novelists, Poets, Photographers Adorned with Music and Dance; A literary painting coming alive Spilling onto the canvas Of New Westminster’s history. This is Lit Fest New West, The Royal City’s majestic world Of literature and art.

after hours.”

MOSQUITO An insect that makes you like flies better.

New West Poets: please submit your “New West” poems for this column to candicejames@shaw.ca or call 778-322-1131 for info.

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16

April 2012

Sargent’s City Scene

www.conquercancer.ca Wally Leech rides to conquer cancer.

St. Helenʻs Parish Hall, 3871 Pandora Street, North Burnaby • 604.298.4144 or 604.298.4454

REGULAR GAMES $150

NEW!

✔ O/E, 649 & RENO GAMES $500 JACKPOT! EVERY FRIDAY 6:00PM + $500 CONSOLATION!

Prizes subject to attendance. The current license number is 16966.

✔ 20th & BONANZA GAMES $1000

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland


April 2012

17

The Enbridge Ride to Conquer Cancer

The Enbridge Ride to Conquer Cancer® is a unique, two-day cycling event to take place on June 16–17, 2012. During this bold cycling journey, you will ride for two days through the scenic Pacific Northwest! Our vision is clear — a world free from cancer. The money you raise for The Enbridge Ride to Conquer Cancer will benefit BC Cancer Foundation and support leading clinicians, scientists, and researchers whose search for new discoveries and improved patient outcomes will have a real impact in our communities throughout the province, across Canada, and around the world. In other words, your participation will accelerate the conquest of cancer. Local Enbridge rider, Wally Leech, is asking for your support. “Hi, my name is Wally and I have been affected by cancer. Oh, not in the way you might think. You see, some of my family has been stricken with cancer and a few have succumbed to the disease. So, yes it has affected me. How do I deal with it? I ride. That’s right, I pedal my bike to raise monies for cancer research and patient care. In 2009 the BC Cancer Foundation decided to fund raise by having a 2 day bike ride from Vancouver to Seattle. I heard of this event and in Jan I signed up. In order to ride in the event I had to fund raise $2,500. I raised $3,700. Since then I have completed the journey a total of 3 times and raised almost $9,000. Yes, I have pedaled to Seattle 3 times to raise funds for cancer research and patient care. Statistics are such that 1 in 5 Canadians will be touched by cancer. Have a look around your next day in the office, the next church service, the next family function. Do the math. How many will be affected by cancer? June 16 and 17 will be the 4th time I mount my bike and pedal to Seattle. The reason I am

APARTMENT / MULTI-RESIDENTIAL PREMISES

The New Westminster Fire and Rescue Services works diligently to advance the cause of fire safety in our community. Preventing fires takes a serious commitment to fire and life safety inspections from both the fire department and the owner/ managers of residential apartment buildings. This proactive approach has proven successful from a public safety viewpoint. We would like to remind apartment tenants and owners not to disconnect or alter their smoke alarms and fire safety equipment. This can put you and the other residents of the building at great risk. It is also considered a criminal violation pursuant to the Criminal Code of Canada. According to the BC Building Code, every owner of a rental unit including apartments, strata, and sleeping units in rooming houses is required to supply a smoke alarm for each suite or living unit. Tenants are encouraged to call the New Westminster Fire Rescue Services if they do not have a smoke alarm or the existing alarm is not working. All building owners and managers should be aware of the following section from the BC Fire Code 2006, Div B, Part 2: 2.2.1.1.1) Unless otherwise specified, the owner or the owner’s authorized agent shall be responsible for carrying out the provision of this code. Practice fire safety — plan your escape in case of fire. If you or someone you know in your building has a mobility issue and would have trouble getting out of the premises in the event of an alarm, please advise the building owner or the strata council and have them include a list of all occupants that would require additional help in the event of an alarm or any other emergency.

FALSE ALARM PROGRAM

The False Alarm Program was established to allow the City of New Westminster to recoup the money spent on dispatching the Fire Department to attend at premises where the alarm was false. The cost of attending each false alarm cannot be measured by dollars only; there is a cost involved in having our crews unavailable for true emergencies. Every occupier of premises containing an automatic fire sprinkler system or a fire alarm system where there have been more than two false alarms within a calendar year shall pay the applicable fee as noted in Fire Protection Bylaw 6940, 2004 for any false alarm activated due to, or arising from, the occupier’s failure to notify the Fire Dispatch (E-Comm) prior to the service, testing, repair, maintenance, adjustment, alteration or installation of such system. Every owner/manager of a building which has either a fire alarm system or an automatic fire sprinkler system, monitored or non-monitored, shall submit to New Westminster Fire and Rescue Services, the names and telephone numbers of three (3) persons who are available to attend, enter and secure the premises. This information should be updated and forwarded to the fire department on an annual basis. A contact person must attend all alarms within 45 minutes when requested by the New Westminster Fire and Rescue Services and must secure the premises and, when appropriate, release the Fire and Rescue Services from the incident. For more information on apartment safety and/or the False Alarm Program, please contact the Fire Prevention Division at 604-519-1004.

Your New Westminster Fire and Rescue Services cares about you and your safety! If you require further information, please visit our website at: www.newwestcity.ca or call the Fire Prevention Division at 604-519-1004.

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April 2012

speaking to you is to ask for your support as I ride. Support me in prayer and with your finances. I am looking for people to step up and match or beat my personal donation of $400. It is very easy to donate. Just go onto the 2012 Enbridge Ride to Conquer Vancouver site, locate Donate in the upper left corner. Type in my name (Walter Leech) and follow the prompts. You can do a one-time donation or donate an amount over time. Together we can and we will conquer cancer.” — Wally Leech

GORDON DOUGLAS: Representing your rights as a taxpayer. Have you ever heard of an accountant who is a shark in the pool room? Well local CGA Gordon Douglas is just such a person — an eight ball player of renown in the West End leagues of Vancouver, not only can he wipe you clean on the pool table, which he does on occasion, but he can also play hardball with our friends at Revenue Canada. A specialist in multi-year filings Gordon has developed a unique ability to speak and communicate with the Revenue Canada Agency, allowing his clients, to move on and resolve many onerous tax issues which have lingered over a period of time. Most taxpayers are easily intimidated by the agency and Gordon is able to eliminate that adversarial atmosphere and speak strongly representing your rights as a taxpayer. I am sure for any readers who are

experiencing these issues a quick call or visit to Gordon’s office would be a very positive move and a worthwhile step forward. He has recently moved to New Westminster from the West End of Vancouver, where he maintained a thriving practice for nineteen years and also a busy practice before that in Winnipeg. Born in Glasgow Scotland, Gordon came to Canada when he was two and settled in Brockwille Ontario. Gordon’s dad a mechanical engineer slowly brought his family out to the west coast, moving from Shawinigan Quebec, the home of Jean Chretien, to Montreal, to Winnipeg and finally to Parksville on Vancouver Island. His dad although he didn’t introduce him to accounting which has become Gordon’s passion, he did however, show him the finer points of dart throwing and as a result he has become a mean player, who will take on all comers. I was in Glasgow myself about twenty years ago now and found myself stopping not at just one pub but several in fact and there were dart players in each and every one of those Glasgowegian watering holes — it’s just that I was never able to hit the bull’s eye in any one of them. Gordon I am sure would do very well on his next visit to Glasgow — at least as far as darts are concerned. He also played chess since he was five and still enjoys playing. And yes I myself was a mean chess player in my younger days and plan on giving Gordon a good run for his money,

THE VISITOR By Glenn Jones

#26-8720 Forest Grove Drive, Burnaby BC V5A 4C9  |  604-433-3986  |  E-mail: glenn-jones@shaw.ca

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19

although I am going to have to talk to him about taxes first before I make any real bets. Speaking of money, I asked Gordon what was his most important advice to people at tax time? His answer: Get professional advice. That was his single most important bit tip and he emphasized that professional CGA’s are trained and equipped to not only save you tax put to advise appropriately on tax planning, management services and trust taxation but also multi-year filings and tax appeals. He is also an expert on GST and HST reporting. That alone can be confusing at the moment with issues revolving around our repeal of the HST and Gordon’s help here could be invaluable. The second most important tip Gordon had was to develop a good working relationship between the professional and the client. And this is clearly his motto because when there is a good client relationship with the ability to speak comfortably and communicate easily, usually

Piffle’s NUMBER BLOCKS Solution from page 10 good things happen. This is in itself the mark of a true professional and I welcome all of our readers who need tax advice and help to give Gordon a call. And if you want to play a game of eight ball, well you have come to the right place. Gordon can be reached by phone 604-6811197, email gord@gdcga.com and online at www.gdcga.com. Continued on next page

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April 2012

Lit Fest New West

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The Arts Council of New Westminster, in partnership with Douglas College, will be hosting the 2nd Annual Lit Fest New West in celebration of the literary arts. Lit Fest New West will be held over three days starting Thursday, April 12 with Slam Central, a slam poetry competition hosted by New West’s poet laureate, Candice James at the Heritage Grill from 7:30 p.m. to 9:30 p.m. On Friday April 13, join local mystery authors for readings of their work at “A Night of Mystery” from 6:30 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. at the New Westminster Public Library. The “Reader’s Rise” where the public can take to the stage to share fresh new poetry and readings, will be part of the festival’s Market Day on Saturday, April 14 from 9:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. at Douglas College that will also feature various speakers, authors, workshops, and readings. The festival will culminate with the Lit Fest Showcase featuring music, poetry and spoken work performances on Saturday at 7:00 p.m. in the Laura Muir Auditorium at Douglas College. All events are open to the public and are free of charge. For more information on the presenters and event details, please call 604.525.3244 or go to www.artscouncilnewwest.org.

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Newcomers/Friendship Club The Newcomers’ Club is an international non-profit organization. The Club was formed to offer women who were new to an area the opportunity to develop friendships and learn about their community. During the 1970s, a group of ladies from Calgary introduced the first Newcomers’ Club in Western Canada. In 1983 the Burnaby/New Westminster Newcomers/Friendship Club was established. It has been welcoming new members ever since. Dinner meetings are held on the 2nd Wednesday of each month, at different “themed” restaurants. Our Executive Committee meets bimonthly on the first Monday of the month. The Club provides women with an opportunity to participate in FUN and interesting social events such as the Book Club (we have 2 going at the moment, the 1st one is full, but there are spaces in the 2nd one), Craft group, Bridge night, Movie nights, Saturday day trips, Theatre outings and a wellness club (which we hope to re-start in September), curry/ pub lunches monthly and Sunday brunches (1st Sunday of the month). We also invite guest speakers to come and talk to the group about interesting topics. Ladies who are interested in finding out more about us, may attend a dinner and sample one group activity before we ask them to pay their membership dues of $20. Continued on next page Burnaby / New West

NEWCOMERS FRIENDSHIP CLUB NEW TO THE AREA?

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For Dinners, coffees, Bridge, Crafts, Walking, Book Club, Wellness Group. Develop Friendships and Learn More about Your Area.

Email ldomeij688@gmail.com or Phone 604-294-6913 between the hours of 10am to 8pm

www.burnabynewwestminsternewcomers.com

The Arts Council of New Westminster presents

Lit Fest New West 2012 Inspired By Words April 3rd to 28th A Mixed Media Exhibition Arts Council Gallery in Queen’s Park

Dead Poet’s Slam Thursday, April 12 A Slam Poetry Competition 7:15 - 9:30 p.m. Heritage Grill, 447 Columbia Street Entrance Fee: $5

A Night of Mystery Friday, April 13 Mystery authors read from their work. This is followed by a question period and Lit Fest opening reception hosted by the Library and Arts Council 6:30 - 8:30 p.m. New Westminster Public Library, 716 6th Street

Events, Market Place, and Showcase Saturday, April 14 Speakers, Authors, Workshops, Readings and more. “Market Place” Exhibitors in the Main Concourse 9:00 a.m. - 4:00 p.m. Showcase Music, poets and performances on the theme of the spoken word 7:00 p.m. - 9:30 p.m. Douglas College 700 Royal Avenue

For more information: www.artscouncilnewwest.org 604-525-3244

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April 2012

For further information please see our website www.burnabynewwestminster–newcomers.com or contact our Membership Secretary Lenore Domeij by email at ldomeij688@gmail.com, or by telephone on 604-294-6913 between the hours of 10:00 a.m. and 8:00 p.m.

LIZA’S

Fraser Valley Toastmasters

HOROSCOPES April 2012

For an In-depth Personal Reading, go to www.lizakolbuck.com

ARIES: Place the needs of others before your own and your accomplishments will be great. Your daily life picks up steam and your ready to accomplish all that you can. TAURUS: You need to express yourself and so you shall. You know what you want and will do everything to get it. Physical activities play a big role. GEMINI: Much activity within your home takes place during this time. Someone else in your home may have a different point of view, listen before reacting. CANCER: Encounters with people in your immediate environment picks up dramatically. Great ideas come from great thinkers, apply this knowledge. LEO: Don’t identify what others have with you; you are not what you own. Put your money making skills to work and see what you can accomplish.

Fraser Valley Toastmasters invites you to experience our Speech and Evaluation Contest. Monday April 2nd at Evangelical Missionary Church, 9310 Williams Street, Chilliwack. Contest begins at 7:00 p.m. sharp. For more info on Fraser Valley Toastmasters visit http://fraservalley.toastmastersclubs.org or call 604-392-5862. City Scene End A DOG WITH A JOB A nursery school driver was delivering a van full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties. “They use him to keep crowds back,” said Tommy.

VIRGO: Now is the time to show the world what you are made of; don’t hold back. You may find yourself fighting for your rights.

“No,” said Billy, “he’s just for good luck.”

LIBRA: If your feeling vague and uneasy, be sure to take the time for some solitude. Your efforts will only be undermined if you come across aggressive.

“They use the dogs, he said firmly, to find

SCORPIO: Formulate those goals and go after them with gusto. Coordinate your needs with others and watch the fantastic results happen before your eyes. SAGITTARIUS: Your ambition to succeed is at it’s highest. Just watch out for authority figures that may try to throw you off course. Remain calm in all tasks.

Peter brought the argument to a close. the fire hydrants…”

Piffle’s MATH MADNESS

CAPRICORN: You may find yourself asserting your belief systems onto others. Believe you are the idea and watch others flock to what you have to share. AQUARIUS: Transformations through conflicts may arise during this time. Money and others people’s ideas on how it should be allocated comes into play. PISCES: You find yourself throwing yourself into partnerships of all kinds. Remember the universal need of compromise. This will prove to be beneficial.

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland

Solution from page 14


Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland

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Contact Publisher & Editor Chris Sargent Today! Phone

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24

April 2012

BRIAN SULLIVAN

Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s

Submitted by Don Mackay

A man walked out to the street and caught

birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods

a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and

to order and which fork to eat them with. He

the cabbie said, “Perfect timing. You’re just

could fix anything. Not like me. I change a

like “Brian!

fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But

Passenger: “Who?”

Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right.”

Cabbie: “Brian Sullivan. He’s a guy who did

Passenger: “Wow. Some guy then.”

everything right all the time. Like my coming

Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way

along when you needed a cab, things happen

to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not

like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time.”

like me, I always seem to get stuck in them.

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds

But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he

over everybody.”

really knew how to treat a woman and make

Cabbie: “Not Brian Sullivan. He was a

her feel good. He would never answer her

terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand

back even if she was in the wrong; and his

Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros.

clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly

He sang like an opera baritone and danced like

polished too. He was the perfect man! He

a Broadway star and you should have heard

never made a mistake. No one could ever

him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”

measure up to Brian Sullivan.”

Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”

Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”

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25

Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I’m married to his widow.”

TRUCK FULL OF PENGUINS A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, “You can’t drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately.” The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins… and they’re all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over and demands, “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?” The guy replies, “I did. Today I’m taking them to the beach!”

CONSTRUCTION SITE FUN A young man at this construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone based on his strength. He especially made fun of one of the older workman. After several minutes, the older worker had enough.

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“Why don’t you put your money where you

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mouth is?” he said. “I’ll bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to the other building that you won’t be able to wheel back.” “You’re on, old man,” the young man replied. “Let’s see what you’ve got.”

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The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then nodding to the young man, he said with a smile, “All right. Get in.”

WHO’S SPEAKING? Kevin phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. “Quick!” He said. “Send an ambulance, my wife is goin’ to have a baby!”

Scan with your smartphone

“Tell me, is this her first baby” the intern asked. “No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin’.”

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April 2012 A WALKING ECONOMY “Look at me” moaned Jack to his friend Phil as they walked down the street, “I’m a walking

Honestly driven.

economy!” “How so ?”, asked Phil. “Well, it’s like this” replied Jack, “my hairline is receding, my stomach is suffering from

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the effects of inflation and the two things together are causing me a deep depression.”

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THE CENTIPEDE A single man wanted someone to help him with the household chores, so he decided to get a pet to help out. He went to the local pet shop and asked the owner for advice on a suitable animal. The owner suggested a dog, but the man said, “Nah, dogs can’t do dishes.” The owner then

The egg weighed 8,968 lbs. and was supported by an internal steel frame.

suggested a cat, but the man said, “Nah, cats can’t do the ironing.” Finally the owner suggests a centipede, “This is the perfect pet for you. It can do anything!” “OK,” the man thought, “I’ll give it a try,” so he bought it and took it home. Once home he told the centipede to wash the dishes. The centipede looks over and there are piles and piles of dirty dishes that look to be a month old. Five minutes later, all the pots are washed, dried, and put away. “Great,” thought the man. Then he told the centipede to do the dusting and vacuuming. Fifteen minutes later the house is spotless. Wow, thought the man, so he decided to try another idea.

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“Go down to the corner and get me the evening paper,” he told the centipede, and off it went. Fifteen minutes later, the centipede hadn’t returned. 30 minutes later and still no centipede. Forty-five minutes and the man

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27

was sick of waiting, so he got up and went out to look for the centipede. As he opened the front door, there on the step was the centipede. “Hey, whatcha’ doing there? I sent you out for the paper 45 minutes ago and now I find you out here without the paper! What gives?” “Hold on a minute” said the centipede, “I’m still putting on my boots!”

THE SICK CAT This farmer had a sick cat and called the Vet in town to see what could be done for it. The Vet asked the farmer what the problem was. After being told, the Vet told the farmer to give it a pint of castor oil. The farmer asked, “A whole pint?” The Vet replied, “Sure that’ll fix it right up.” The next day the Vet saw the farmer in town and asked him how the sick calf was getting along.

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“You fool” the farmer exclaimed, “That wasn’t a calf, it was a cat.” The Vet said, “Oh my goodness, did you give it the whole pint of castor oil?” “Sure did,” the farmer replied. “What happened, where’s the cat now” asked the Vet. The farmer, pointing, said, “The last time I saw that cat, he was going over yonder hill with five others, two were digging, two were covering up, and one was scouting for new territory!”

THE DISTRESS SIGNAL Two idiots were hunting in the woods when they lost their way. Elliot had read that when lost, you fire three times in the air and help will come. So he did. Nothing happened. An hour later he fired three more times. After another hour his friend told him to try a third time. “Okay,” said Elliot, “but we’re almost out of arrows.”

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April 2012

THE BALD EAGLE BAR-B-Q One day there was a man who was walking through the forest and got lost. He wandered around for over a week, and was beginning to starve.

fish! And when I accidentally killed it, well, I felt terrible but couldn’t see any reason to let it go to waste!” The judge listened to the man’s story and deemed him, “Not guilty, on the grounds of

He spotted a Bald Eagle who had just caught a fish and chased it, hoping to get it to drop the fish so he could eat it.

extenuating circumstances.” The man was very grateful, and thanked the judge for his fairness.

Then he saw the bird land on a tree stump

Then, the judge leaned over and quietly

not far from him, so he picked up a stone

asked the man, “Just between you and me,

to toss at it… hoping the bird would be

what DOES a Bald Eagle taste like anyway?”

frightened and fly away without the fish.

The man contemplated this for a moment

But, weak as he was, his aim was off and

and then spoke, “Well, it’s kind of hard to

he hit the poor bird square on the head,

explain… but, I would say somewhere between

and killing it.

a California Condor and a Spotted Owl.”

“Well,” he thought to himself, “no sense letting it go to waste, if I leave it here it will just rot, and it could save my life if I eat it.” So, he built himself a little fire… using a couple of stones and cooked the eagle to eat. While it was cooking a ranger stumbled

THE CAT SAYS, THANKS, LORD One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, “You lived a good

upon the man, and when he saw what he

life, and if there is any way I can make your

was up to, he immediately arrested him…

stay in heaven more comfortable, please let

because as you know, that is quite illegal!

me know.”

The man told the ranger what had happened, and asked for a trial so he could explain the

The cat thinks for a moment and says, “Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor.”

situation to a judge. So, the day of his trial he told the judge, “Please your Honor, it was a life or death situation! I was lost and starving, and I didn’t mean to harm the bird… I only wanted the

The Lord stops the cat and says, “Say no more,” and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland


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29

to heaven. Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer, “All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we’re tired of running. Do you think we could have roller blades so that we don’t have to run anymore?” The Lord says, “Say no more” and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller blades. About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, “How are things since you got here?” The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, “It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those ‘Meals On Wheels’ you’ve been sending by are the best!”

TEXAN RANCHER Okay, so a Texan rancher comes upon a farmer from Maine. The Texan looks at the Mainer and asks, “Say, how much land you think you got here?” Mainer: ‘Bout 10 acres I’d say.” Texan (boasting): Well, on my lot, it takes me all day to drive completely around my property!” Mainer: “Yep, I got one of them trucks too.”

RIGHT ON A husband and wife were involved in a petty argument, both of them unwilling to admit they might be in error. “I’ll admit I’m wrong,” the wife told her

Know your limit, play within it.

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admit I’m right.” He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first. “I’m wrong,” she said. With a twinkle in his eye, he responded, “You’re right!”

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April 2012 WATCH FOR THEM Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

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So one day Farmer John called the sheriff’s office and said, “You’ve got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens.” “What do you want me to do” asked the sheriff.

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“I don’t care, just do something about those crazy drivers!” So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said: SLOW SCHOOL CROSSING Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, “You’ve got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing’ sign seems to make them go even faster.” So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, “Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up

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my own sign?” The sheriff told him, “Sure thing, put up your own sign.” He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain. The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer

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John a call. “How’s the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?” “Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I’ve got to go. I’m very busy.” He hung up the phone. The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, “I’d better go out there

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland


April 2012

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and take a look at that sign… it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers…” So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John’s house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood: NUDIST COLONY: GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS

I NEED A PUSH A couple is in bed sleeping when there’s a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it’s half past 3 in the morning.” I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there’s a man standing there. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. “Hi there,” slurs the stranger, “Can you give

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me a push?” “No, get lost. It’s half past three and I was in bed,” says the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says, “That wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What

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would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?” “But the guy was drunk,” says the husband. “It doesn’t matter,” says the wife.” He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him.” So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere, He shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push?” And he hears a voice cry out, “Yeah, please.” So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?” The drunk replies, “Over here, on the swing.”

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April 2012

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Piffle Magazine 2012-04