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November 2011  |  Your community humour magazine  |  issue 134

School Board and City Council Election November 19. See page 14 for details. Don’t let others decide your future...

Please get out and vote on November 19!

Gerry Liu

RE-ELECT

Elect for Councillor

to COUNCIL

778-861-7388

604-619-8455

GerryLiu61@hotmail.com Standing for New Westminster’s need for clear answers and solutions

YOUR DIABETES RESOURCE CENTRE

WE ARE OPEN Mon to Thur 9am – 7pm Fri 9am – 6pm Sat 9am – 4pm Sun 9am – 3pm

981 Carnarvon St New Westminster

604-523-6767

Follow me on Twitter!

@BettyM13

info@bettymcintosh.ca www.bettymcintosh.ca

For New Westminster city council:

Dr. David Noshad Change you can trust.

On November 19

NOSHAD, DAVID

604-441-4068

david_for_newwestminster@hotmail.ca

www.drdavidnoshad.com


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November 2011

Experience Gets Things Done!

It is easy to have an over-simplified view of how a city works – I know I did in the beginning. It takes experience to get to know how the various systems in a city work, and who the stakeholders are. Believe me, just because one thinks one has a good idea, it does not follow that everyone will buy into it! My track record of completed projects speak for my experience of getting things done.

www.waynewright.info  #101, 1015 Columbia Street, New Westminster

Let’s Keep It Wright! Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland


November 2011

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CALL 604-525-9027 TO BOOK YOUR AD SPOT

Glenn Jones would like to hear from his fans. E-mail him at funnybones.by.jones@gmail.com.

Honouring Our Veterans on Remembrance Day — We Will Not Forget Their Sacrifice.

Submit your joke at piffle.ca


4

November 2011

ELECT CAL DONNELLY

requested that they drop his arm over his base in England. So the Germans did. The next week they amputated his other arm and he asked the same thing. The Germans complied. The next week they amputated one of his legs, and he again asked for them to drop it

Camel Questions A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, “Mom, why have I got these huge three toed feet?” The mother replies, “Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand.” “Okay,” says the son. A few minutes later the son asks, “Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?” “They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert.” “Thanks Mom,” replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks, “Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back?” His mother replies impatiently, “They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert.” “That’s great Mom. So we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes, and these humps to store water, but Mom…”

over his base in England. The German doctor replied, “Sorry, we do dis no more!” The pilot asked why not, and the German answered, “we think you trying to escape!”

THE RELUCTANT GERMAN PARATROOPER A plane with German paratroopers was flying above Greece. The instructor guides every single parachutist to the door and pushes him out. “Come on, come on, come on!” “We don’t have time to mess around!” “Out with you cowards!” “Come on! The next one! go go go!” But one of them resists to jump by all means. He kicks punches and screams, tries to stem his legs against the door frame. “Out with you !” “We have no time for cowards!” At last, the instructor gives him a kick and he flies out of the door… The remaining parachutists start to laugh.

“Yes, son?” “Do we really need all of these in the zoo?”

“You think that was funny or what?” “Funny, yes indeed sir… that was the pilot”

POW ESCAPE ATTEMPT During WW II a British fighter pilot was shot down over Germany and he was captured by the Nazis. He was hurt pretty bad, so the German doctor amputated his left arm. He

ELECT CAL DONNELLY Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland


November 2011

5

RE-ELECT to COUNCIL

Committed to work for New Westminster residents

604-619-8455

ELECT CAL DONNELLY

Follow me on Twitter!

@BettyM13

info@bettymcintosh.ca www.bettymcintosh.ca

newwestminsterfrasers.blogspot.com

ELECT CAL DONNELLY RE-ELECT

BILL HARPER “I want a city that is strong on the environment , rebuilding our infrastructure, creating jobs, providing affordable housing and building livable neighbourhoods. People in New Westminster want safe, senior friendly streets, a thriving economy to support their families, to preserve our heritage and a sense of community we all can be proud of.”

778-227-4869

bharper3@shaw.ca www.BillHarper.ca

VISION • EXPERIENCE • ACTION Submit your joke at piffle.ca

Now available for sale at Renaissance Books and the New Westminster Museum


6

November 2011

YOUR DIABETES RESOURCE CENTRE

✔ FREE In-Store Blood Pressure Monitoring ✔ FREE Blister Packing

Most Extended Health Plans accepted. Easy transfer of prescriptions.

Monday to Thursday 9am – 7pm • Friday 9am – 6pm Saturday 9am – 4pm • Sunday 9am – 3pm

604.523.6767

More care because we CARE MORE! Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland


November 2011

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ANNUAL CRAFT SALE AND TEA PRESENTED BY CENTURY HOUSE: November 5, 10:30 p.m. 620 8th Street Join us for a lovely afternoon tea — there will be crafts and gift ideas galore! This is a fund-raiser for the Century House Association. For information call 604-519-1066.

FREE SEMINAR

Invited guest speakers: MP: Peter Julian, MLA: Raj Chouhan, Mayor Derek Corrigan. The ceremony starts with a flag-marching ceremony by the 637 Arrow Royal Canadian Air Cadet Squadron in which the guests speakers are invited to join. The service includes a wreath laying ceremony, poems and songs from wars around the world. Please join us to honour the men and women who have served in war. For more information contact Edmonds Community Centre at 604-297-4400.

NEW WESTMINSTER SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA: CLASSICAL POPS CONCERT

Thursday, November 10 12:45 p.m. – 2:15 p.m. Auditorium , New Westminster Public Library 716 6th Ave, New Westminster “Getting Started with Email & Social Media Marketing” Presented by Guy Steeves of Constant Contact

Sunday, November 13 at 2:00 p.m. New Westminster Symphony Orchestra: Classical Pops Concert. Admission by Donation Massey Theatre, 735 8th Ave 604-521-5050 www.masseytheatre.com

NEW WESTMINSTER REMEMBRANCE DAY CEREMONY

NOVEMBER 19 LOCAL GOVERNMENT ELECTION

November 11, 9:30 a.m. – 11:00 p.m. Royal Westminster Regiment Armoury, 530 Queens Ave, New Westminster Remember Canadians at an assembly followed by a parade to city hall and two minutes of silence.

Every three years, residents across BC have the opportunity to go to the polls to elect their local governments. The next Local Government Election will be held on Saturday, November 19 where City Council and School Board members will be elected.

BURNABY EDMONDS REMEMBRANCE DAY SERVICE

Edmonds Community Centre for 55+ along with Edmonds Seniors Society presents Remembrance Day Service Saturday, November 5 from 1:00 p.m. – 3:00 p.m.

HYACK SANTA CLAUS PARADE

This year’s Hyack Santa Claus Parade of Lights will take place on Saturday, December 3 at 4:00 p.m. along Columbia Street in Downtown New Westminster.

WE ARE OPEN MONDAY TO THURSDAY 9AM – 7PM | FRIDAY 9AM – 6PM SATURDAY 9AM – 4PM | SUNDAY 9AM – 3PM

Submit your joke at piffle.ca


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November 2011 Chris Sargent, Owner & Publisher Email: publisher@piffle.ca

604-525-9027

Magazine Locally Owned & Published

Gabor Gasztonyi, Sales Rep Email: gabor@piffle.ca

Fourth floor, 604 Columbia St New Westminster, BC V3M 1A5 Publisher & Editor: Chris Sargent Photography: Gabor Gasztonyi, Trevor Batstone & Darren Lulka Graphic Design: Cliff Blank production@piffle.ca

FLU TIME SQUARE DANCE

604-290-7450

Email: info@piffle.ca Web: piffle.ca HUMAN VALUES One day in New York City, a banker was

Submitted by Jim Nicholas

Choose your partners, one and all,

driving his new Jaguar down the streets.

Aspirin, Advil, or Tylenol!

He parked it and opened the door to get out. Suddenly a taxi went by and ripped

Now fling those covers with all you’ve got,

the door off. The driver reported this to a

One minute cold, the next minute hot,

nearby police officer. The officer saw the whole thing and said “You bankers are so

Circle right to the side of the bed,

involved in your possessions. You didn’t

Grab the tissues and Sudafed.

even notice that your arm was ripped off as well” The banker stared at where his arm

Back to the middle and don’t goof off;

used to be and said “OH NO! My new Rolex

Hold your stomach and cough, cough, cough.

is gone too!”

Forget about slippers, dash down the hall,

I THINK I AM A MOTH

Toss your cookies in the shower stall.

A man goes to see his doctor. The doctor asks what is wrong and the man says,

Remember others on the brink; Wash your hands; wash the sink.

“Doctor, I think I’m a moth.” To this the doctor responds, “You think you’re a moth? Well I don’t think you need

Wipe the doorknob, light switch too,

a doctor. Sounds like what you need is a

By George, you’ve got it, you’re doing the Flu!

therapist.” “Yeah I know,” replies the patient. “I was on

Some like it cold, some like it hot;

my way to see a therapist, but I came in here

If you like neither, get the shot.

because I saw your light was on.”

I’M A PILOT

ELECT CAL DONNELLY

The chief of staff of the US Army decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland


November 2011

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that would be opened and that all eligible

this is the 20th century and our battles are

young men and women be invited.

fought with our minds as much as with our

As he and his staff were standing near a brand new M-1 Battle Tank, a pair of twin well built, neatly kept brothers who looked like they had just stepped off an Army Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.

bodies!” “Well,” the young man says, “you hired my brother!” “Of course we did,” says the general, “he’s a pilot!” The young man rolls his eyes and says, “Duh! I have to friggin’ chop it before he can pile it!”

He looked at the first young man and asked, “Son, what skills can you bring to the best Army in the world?”

FRENCH DREAMS A boy was having a lot of difficulty in French

The young man looks at him and says, “I’m a pilot!”

class. To encourage him, his teacher said, “You’ll know you’re really beginning to get it when you start dreaming in French.”

If You Can’t Beat ‘Em, You’ll Join Them Here The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, “Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!”

The boy ran into class all excited one day, saying, “Teacher, teacher! I had a dream last night and everyone was talking in French!” “Great!” said the teacher; “what were they saying?” “I don’t know,” the boy replied; “I

The aide hustles the young man off.

couldn’t understand them.”

The general looks at the second young man and asked, “What skills can you bring to this man’s Army?” The young man says, “I chop wood!”

Elect

CHUCK New PUCHMA YR Westminster City Council

“Son,” the general replies, “we don’t need wood choppers in the Army, what else do you know how to do?” “I chop wood!” “Young man,” huffs the general, “you are not listening to me, we don’t need wood choppers,

politicallycorrect.ca | chuck.puchmayr@gmail.com

Follow me on Twitter @ChuckPuchmayr or find me on Facebook

Submit your joke at piffle.ca


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November 2011 GRAVESTONE EPITAPHS The Only Regrets I Have Are Those Things I Didn’t Do Time Waits For No One But I Wouldn’t Have Minded A Bit Of A Delay

FIRE SAFETY FOR SENIORS

Seniors are among the most vulnerable to fire injury and death. As a senior, you must take special precautions to care for yourself.

KITCHEN CAUTION

• Don’t leave food unattended on the stove. • Wear short or close fitting sleeves and an apron to avoid catching clothes on fire. • Use potholders, not towels, to handle hot pans and dishes. • Don’t use the oven to heat your home.

I Never Claimed To Know Anything, So Why Am I Here? Wishing You Were Here Come And Visit Often I wasn’t Always Like This I Never Asked For The Lights To Dim Pardon Me For Not Getting Up… I Feel Like Lying Down Gone Fishing… Permanently

HEATING HAZARDS

• Keep everything at least one foot from any heat source. • Unplug electrical appliances and heaters when not using them. • Never hang clothes near a heater to dry them. • Don’t leave portable heaters alone or go to sleep while they are on. • Make sure curtains hang well away from heat sources.

AT BED TIME

• Keep your robe, slippers, eyeglasses and house keys close by the bed. • Close your bedroom door while sleeping

BE PREPARED

• Install a smoke alarm on every level of your home. Test your smoke alarms frequently. • Plan your escape routes (two from every room, if possible) in case a fire does strike. Locate two exit stairways from your apartment building. Never use elevators in a fire.

CALLING 9-1-1

• Place a 9-1-1 sticker on your phone so that you will always have the number at your fingertips during an emergency. • Call 9-1-1 from a safe location for any fire, medical or police emergency.

Don’t Come In Yet… Wait Til Later Now Is Not The Time To Ask Me Again There Is Always Lots Of Room Here If You Can’t Say Anything Nice About Me Then Leave Forever A Mess I Must Confess In The Beginning I Was Small, Now I Am Nothing At All

MY BROTHER Doctor: What’s wrong with your bother? Boy: He thinks he is a chicken. Doctor: really? How long has this been going on? Boy: Five years. Doctor: Five years! Boy: We would have brought him in earlier, but we needed the eggs.

IN CASE OF FIRE

• When the smoke alarm sounds, check the door. Stay low behind the door, reach up and feel the door and the door handle for heat. If the door feels cool, open it slowly. If the door feels warm or if you see smoke or flames on the other side, shut the door and use your second exit. • If your clothes catch on fire, STOP, DROP and ROLL, covering your face with your hands. Keep rolling over until the flames go out.

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives

Your New Westminster Fire & Rescue Services cares about you & your safety! If you require further information, please visit our website at: www.newwestcity.ca or call the Fire Prevention Division at 604-519-1004

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you. 2. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name. the floor. 4. A dog’s parents never visit.

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland


November 2011

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5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across. 6. You never have to wait for a dog; they’re ready to go 24 hours a day. 7. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk. 8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing. 9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, If I died, would you get another dog? 10. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting. 11. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck. Photo courtesy of Herbert A. Navarro

NOW AND THEN THERE’S A FOOL SUCH AS I After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.”

The City of New Westminster, in solemn thought, remembers those who have given their lives for our freedom.

And the husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice it.”

   

                 Submit your joke at piffle.ca


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November 2011

Piffle’s MATH MADNESS

More GRAVESTONE EPITAPHS I told you that I was sick! - Georgia Cemetary, USA Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake; Stepped on the gas instead of the brake. Pennsylvania Tombstone, USA Remember man, as you walk by, As you are now, so once was I, As I am now, so shall you be, Remember this and follow me. Tombstone in England To follow you I’ll not consent, Until I know which way you went. - Written on the tombstone in reply to one above The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna, Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna. England Tombstone

Try to fill in the missing numbers. Use the numbers 1 through 9 to complete the equations. Each number is only used once. Each row is a math equation. Each column is a math equation. Remember that multiplication and division are performed before addition and subtraction. Solution on page 20.

Under the sod and under the trees, Lies the body of Jonathan Pease. He is not here, there’s only the pod; Pease shelled out and went to God. - Massachusetts Tombstone Gone away, Owin’ more than he could pay. England Alien tears will fill for him; Pity’s long-broken ern. For his mourners will be outcast men, And

ELECT CAL DONNELLY THE VISITOR By Glenn Jones

#26-8720 Forest Grove Drive, Burnaby BC V5A 4C9  |  604-433-3986  |  E-mail: glenn-jones@shaw.ca

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland


November 2011

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outcasts always mourn. - Oscar Wilde’s Tombstone It was a Cough That carried him Off, It was a Coffin They Carried him Off In

UPCOMING EVENTS

“The defense rests” Here lies Johnny Yeast, Pardon me For not rising.

Auctioneer: Going! Going!! Gone!!! Effie Jean Robinson: Come blooming youths, as you pass by , And on these lines do cast an eye. As you are now, so once was I; As I

Know your limit, play within it.

MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL every Monday until the end of the season we will be open 3:30pm until closing, football pools (details will be posted), meat draws, 60/40 draw, Membership draw, a free drink on Mondays for FOOTBALL CLUB MEMBERS (FBC) ($50.00 FBC membership fee) REVERSE DRAW Sat, Nov 5 — Top Prize $700 (or be here to share) Join us for REMEMBRANCE DAY Fri, Nov 11 GREY CUP SUNDAY Nov 27 THURSDAY NIGHT POKER TOURNAMENTS 6:30pm – No cost, come join the fun! PUB FARE BY CHEF ED Thurs to Sun 4–6pm

am now, so must you be; Prepare for death 60/40, MEMBERSHIP & MEAT DRAWS every Thursday, Friday, Saturday & Sunday

and follow me. Upon which someone scribbled: To follow you I am not content, How do I know Which way you went. Bill Blake Was hanged by mistake. Here lays Butch, We planted him raw. He was quick on the trigger, But slow on the draw.

604-524-6524 | Entrance at 680 Clarkson St

I would rather be here than in Texas. Here lies the body Of Margaret Bent She kicked up her heels, And away she went. Here he lies, James T. Carson, He blew up his wife, and was hung for arson. Here lies the body of John Round: Lost at sea, and never found.

LITTLE JONNIE’S SPELLING QUIZ Little Johnny wasn’t very good at spelling. During an oral spelling exam, the teacher wrote the word “new” on the blackboard. “Now,” she asked Johnny, “what word would we have if we placed a “K” in the front?” After a moment’s reflection, Johnny said,

RE-ELECT

Michael Ewen FOR SCHOOL TRUSTEE

“Canoe?”

ELECT CAL DONNELLY

A commitment to children. A commitment to learning. mewen@shaw.ca • 604-603-4193

Submit your joke at piffle.ca


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November 2011

2011 General Local Election NOTICE OF ELECTION BY VOTING

PUBLIC NOTICE IS HEREBY given to the electors of the City of New Westminster that an election by voting is necessary to elect one (1) Mayor, six (6) Councillors, and seven (7) School Trustees, and that the persons nominated as candidates and for whom votes will be received are: MAYOR – One (1) to be elected SURNAME

USUAL NAMES

Crosty McFadyen

James Vance

New Westminster New Westminster

Wright

Wayne

New Westminster

Nantel

ELECTOR ORGANIZATION

François

JURISDICTION OF RESIDENCE

New Westminster

COUNCILLOR – Six (6) to be elected SURNAME

USUAL NAMES

ELECTOR ORGANIZATION

JURISDICTION OF RESIDENCE

Ashdown

John

Voice New Westminster

New Westminster

Cote

Jonathan X.

New Westminster

Harper

Bill

New Westminster

Bell

Donnelly

James Calvin

New Westminster

New Westminster

Krasnogor

Vladimir

New Westminster

McEvoy

Jaimie

New Westminster

Mulangu

Paul

Vancouver

Osterman

Bob

Liu

McIntosh Noshad

Gerry

New Westminster

Betty

New Westminster

David

VOICE New Westminster

Palmer

Gavin

VOICE New Westminster

Sihota

Harp

Puchmayr

Wandell

Williams

Chuck

Susan

VOICE New Westminster

Lorrie

New Westminster

New Westminster

New Westminster New Westminster

New Westminster

New Westminster

New Westminster

SCHOOL TRUSTEE – Seven (7) to be elected SURNAME

USUAL NAMES

Bell

James

Campbell

Jonina

Ewen

Michael

Cook

Goring

ELECTOR ORGANIZATION

JURISDICTION OF RESIDENCE

New Westminster New Westminster

Casey

VOICE New Westminster

New Westminster

Jim

VOICE New Westminster

New Westminster

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SURNAME

USUAL NAMES

ELECTOR ORGANIZATION

JURISDICTION OF RESIDENCE

Graham

Lisa

VOICE New Westminster

New Westminster

Brenda

VOICE New Westminster

New Westminster

Janzen

James

Mortensen

MaryAnn

McEachern Keen

Pepa

James

Richmond

Glen

Phelan

New Westminster

VOICE New Westminster

New Westminster New Westminster

David

New Westminster New Westminster

GENERAL VOTING DAY, SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 19, 2011

General Voting Day will be open to qualified electors of the City of New Westminster on Saturday, November 19, 2011 between the hours of 8:00 am and 8:00 pm at the following locations: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15.

Queen Elizabeth School, 921 Salter Street Connaught Heights School, 2201 London Street Lord Tweedsmuir School, 1714 Eighth Avenue Lord Kelvin School, 1010 Hamilton Street St. Barnabas Anglican Church Hall, 1010 Fifth Avenue John Robson School, 120 Eighth Street River Market, 2nd Floor, 810 Quayside Drive Century House, 620 Eighth Street The Armoury, 530 Queen’s Avenue Herbert Spencer School, 605 Second Street Dunwood Place, 101 – 901 Colborne Street F.W. Howay School, 91 Courtney Crescent Glenbrook Park Amenities Centre, 76 Jamieson Court Richard McBride School, 331 Richmond Street Sapperton Pensioners Hall, 318 Keary Street

Please note that voting cards are not issued to New Westminster electors for the Municipal Election. Qualified electors are entitled to vote once at any one of the above locations.

ADVANCE VOTING OPPORTUNITIES

Advance Voting Opportunities will be open to qualified electors of the City of New Westminster: Date: Wednesday, November 9, 2011 Time: 8:00 am to 8:00 pm Location: Council Chamber, 2nd Floor, City Hall, 511 Royal Avenue, New Westminster, BC

and Date: Time: Location:

Tuesday, November 15, 2011 8:00 am to 8:00 pm Council Chamber, 2nd Floor, City Hall, 511 Royal Avenue, New Westminster, BC

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November 2011

All qualified electors will be eligible to vote during Advance Voting.

SPECIAL VOTING OPPORTUNITIES

Special Voting Opportunities for the 2011 General Local Election will be open to qualified electors of the City of New Westminster on Thursday, November 17, 2011 at the following times and locations: 10:00 am – 12:00 pm Queen’s Park Hospital 315 McBride Boulevard New Westminster, BC 1:00 pm – 3:00 pm Royal Columbian Hospital 330 Columbia Street East New Westminster, BC Only qualified electors of New Westminster who are patients at the above facilities on the dates and times shown are eligible to vote at the special voting opportunities. Where the patient is unable to attend the voting place within the facility, election officials may attend the patient for the purpose of receiving their ballot.

ELECTOR REGISTRATION

If you are not on the list of electors, you may register at the time of voting by completing the required application form available at the voting place. To register you must meet the following qualifications: • 18 years of age or older; and • Canadian citizen; and • resident of BC for at least 6 months immediately preceding voting day; and • resident of OR registered owner of real property in the City of New Westminster at least 30 days immediately preceding voting day; and • not otherwise disqualified by law from voting.

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Resident electors will be required to produce 2 pieces of identification, at least one of which must contain the applicant’s signature. The identification documents must prove identity and proof of residency in the City of New Westminster. Non-resident property electors will be required to produce 2 pieces of identification that provide evidence of the applicant’s identity, at least one of which must contain the signature of the applicant; and must complete the required non-resident property elector application form to prove ownership of property in the City of New Westminster. Applications to register as a non-resident property elector may be made at the Election Office at City Hall from 8:30 am to 4:30 pm, Monday to Friday (excluding Statutory Holidays) during the period of Tuesday, September 27, 2011 to Saturday, November 19, 2011 (General Voting Day). You will be requested to deliver this form to the voting place, where you will be issued a ballot in order for you to vote. If more than one person owns the property, only one owner may register and that person must have the written consent of a majority of the other owners. You must apply at the Election Office at City Hall in order to prove ownership of property. FURTHER INFORMATION on the foregoing may be obtained by contacting the Election Office at 604-527-4572. Brenda Sims Chief Election Officer

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“Help me put balance back on City Council.”

- Calvin

ON NOVEMBER 19

ELECT CALVIN

DONNELLY COUNCILLOR

Photo by Gabor Gasztonyi

CITY OF NEW WESTMINSTER Elect an experienced and committed person who has measured up to your expectations. Calvin Donnelly has 18 years experience as an Alderman & Councillor with the City of New Westminster. Calvin Donnelly has served on Council with the last 5 Mayors, Wayne Wright, Helen Sparkes, Betty Toporowski, Tom Baker, and Muni Evers.

Return Calvin Donnelly’s experience and community involvement with families, seniors, and youth to City Hall.

On November 19, mark one of your six votes for Calvin Donnelly.

Contact Cal at 604-250-3564 or email calvindonnellyelection@shaw.ca


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ELECT

CAL DONNELLY

November 2011 THE LONDON BLITZ It was during the

The Ladies Room A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures

blitz in WW2 and

alluringly to the barman who comes over

London was taking

immediately. When he arrives, she seductively

a thrashing and

signals that he should bring his face close to

moral was low. The

hers. When he does so, she begins to gently

BBC radio decided

caress his beard which is full and bushy.

an interview with a

“Are you the manager” she asks, softly

Swedish Pilot for the RAF who had in his

first day on the job made Ace, meaning he

stroking his face with both hands. “Actually, no,” he replies. “Can you get him for me? I need to speak to

had shot down 5 German planes in that one

him,” she asks running her hands up beyond

day. It would be so good for the people of

his beard and into his hair.

Britain’s moral.

“I’m afraid I can’t” breathes the barman…

So that evening Sven is in the studio and the interview began;

clearly aroused. “Is there anything I can do?” “Yes there is. I need you to give him a

Announcer: So Sven, tell us all about your

message” she continues huskily, popping a

heroic day in the skies protecting the grateful

couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing

people of this country.

him to suck them gently.

Sven; Vell, it vas un eencredible day. Vurst vas dis foker come up me rite zide so I

“Tell him” she says “that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.”

shoots him down den two more of them fokers I see on my left so I shoots them

GIRLIE WISDOM

fokers, and den…

Submitted by Connie Jeffrey

Announcer interupts; Just so you’re all

1.

A friend of mine confused her Valium with

aware Sven comes to us from Sweden and

her birth control pills… she has 14 kids

what he means to say is Foker, that very

but she doesn’t really care.

deadly German war machine… Sven interupts; Ya ya dats true but dese fokers vas Meserschmits!

2. One of life’s mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland


November 2011

19

3. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely. 4. The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes. 5. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does. 6. The older you get, the tougher it is to

Leadership Integrity

Dedication

lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends. 7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today… 8. Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness. 9. I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my panties.

DAVID PHELAN for

New Westminster School Board

10. Amazing! You hang something in your closet, for a while, and it shrinks 2 sizes! 11. Skinny people irritate me! Especially when

www.davidphelan.org

they say things like…’You know sometimes I forget to eat!’ Now, me… I’ve forgotten my address, my mother’s maiden name, and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. 12. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That’s my idea of a perfect day!

ELECT CAL DONNELLY ELECT CAL DONNELLY

Another fine “time distraction” brought to you by your local Piffle Magazine.

Submit your joke at piffle.ca


20

November 2011

ELECT

CAL DONNELLY

SIGNS YOU’VE GROWN UP 1. Your house plants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them. 2. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 3. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when

14. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach. 15. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good stuff.” 16. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. 17. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. 18. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

you go to bed. 4. You hear your favorite song on an elevator. 5. You watch the Weather Channel. 6. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

THREE VAMPIRES WALK INTO A BAR Three vampires walk into a bar. The bartender looks at him suspiciously, but

7. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

decides to serve them anyway. “What’ll be, boys?”

8. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as

The first vampire says “Blood. Give me blood.”

“dressed up.” 9. You’re the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won’t turn

The second vampire says “I too wish for blood!” The third vampire says “Give me plasma.”

down the stereo. 10. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of

The Bartender smiles and says “Got it. Two bloods, and a blood-light.”

McDonald’s leftovers. 11. Sleeping on the couch makes your back

AND HOW’S YOUR DAY?

hurt. 12. You no longer take naps from noon to 6

Submitted by Jim Sandes

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my

PM. 13. Dinner and a movie is the whole date

drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps

instead of the beginning of one.

Piffle’s MATH MADNESS

When is the election for city council and the school board?

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland

Solution from page 12


November 2011

21 PEPPER

up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

A Quebecer,

“Well, whatcha’ gonna do about it,” he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned

“Come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t

room service for

think you’d CRY. I can’t stand to see a man

some pepper.

crying.”

“Black pepper, or

“This is the worst day of my life,” I say.

white pepper” asked

“I’m a complete failure. I was late to a

the concierge.

meeting and my boss fired me. When I went

“Toilette pepper,”

to the parking lot, I found my car had been

yelled the Quebecer.

ELECT

CAL DONNELLY

stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit

THEY THINK DIFFERENT A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with

me.”

feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm,

“So I came to this bar to work up the

dry house, pet me, and take good care of me…

courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the

They must be Gods! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with

poison dissolve; then you show up and drink

feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm,

the whole thing! But enough about me, how’s

dry house, pet me, and take good care of me…

your day going?”

I must be a God!

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Submit your joke at piffle.ca


22

November 2011 WHAT’S FOR DINNER? The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.

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“Goat,” replied the startled man of the cloth, “Are you sure about that?” “Yep,” said the youngster. “I heard Pa say to Ma, ‘Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.’”

BEER After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Senor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King Of Beers’, a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it.

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The guy from Molson Canadian sits down and says, ‘Give me a Coke.’ The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, “Why aren’t you drinking a Molson’s?” The Molson Canadian president replies, “Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I.”

ELECT CAL DONNELLY Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland


November 2011

23

THE BEAR AND THE HUNTER

ELECT

A WIFE’S POEM

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter

He didn’t like the

who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean

CAL

casserole

bear.

And he didn’t like

In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear

my cake,

were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran

He said my biscuits

as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran

were too hard

and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a

Not like his mother

very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.

DONNELLY

used to make.

Seeing no way out of his predicament, and

I didn’t perk the

with the bear closing in rather quickly, the

coffee right

hunter got down on his knees, opened his

He didn’t like the stew,

arms, and exclaimed, “Dear God! Please give

I didn’t mend his socks

this bear some religion!”

The way his mother used to do.

The skies darkened and there was lightning

I pondered for an answer

in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter,

I was looking for a clue.

the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced

Then I turned around and

around, somewhat confused.

smacked the crap out of him…

Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky

Like his mother used to do.

and said, “Thank you God, for the food I’m about to receive…”

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Re-elect

JAIMIE McEVOY

for New Westminster City Council ABOUT JAIMIE McEVOY Author of the Life and Destruction of Saint Mary’s Hospital, the story of 120 years of service. Director of the Hospitality Project at the New Westminster Food Bank helping hundreds of New Westminster residents in need. A City Councillor with a focus on building an inclusive city that’s good for families, supportive for seniors, with affordable housing and welcoming to newcomers. Proud of our heritage and looking to a vibrant future, Jaimie McEvoy has always been there for New Westminster.

For a Council that works! On November 19 vote for Jaimie McEvoy. www.jaimiemcevoy.com mcevoyforcouncil@yahoo.ca | 604-522-9114 Join me on Facebook! Councillor Jaimie McEvoy

|

Twitter? Follow me @JaimieMcEvoy


Keep this information handy during voting day!

and I care about the people

VOTING DAY

Saturday, November 19, from 8 am to 8 pm Connaught Heights School 2201 London Street

“I love New Westminster,

Herbert Spencer School 199 Sixth Avenue

in New Westminster. I will continue to work to build a family friendly community, a

Queen Elizabeth School 921 Salter Street Lord Tweedsmuir School 1714 Eighth Avenue

Dunwood Place 901 Colborne Street F.W. Howay School 91 Courtney Crescent

Lord Kelvin School 1010 Hamilton Street

Glenbrook Park Amenities 76 Jamieson Court

St. Barnabas Church Hall 1010 Fifth Avenue

Richard McBride School 331 Richmond Street

John Robson School 120 Eighth Street

Sapperton Pensioner’s Hall 318 Keary Street

Century House 620 Eighth Street

River Market 810 Quayside Drive

The Armoury 530 Queens Avenue

ADVANCED VOTING

November 9 and 15, from 8 am to 8 pm City Hall 511 Royal Avenue

Re-elect

JAIMIE McEVOY

for New Westminster City Council

community with safe streets for seniors, and a community that has affordable housing, is sustainable and inclusive. My commitment is that I will continue to work hard, show respect for different needs, and listen to the community. I’m your neighbour, and I want to work for you.”


26

November 2011

Haunted Hall of Fame by Katherine Freund-Hainsworth

A

s an historian I am open to the possibility that museums are haunted, especially now that I have a job working in the museum at the Canadian Lacrosse Hall of Fame (CLHoF) in New West. This haunting at the CLHoF, starts with Matthew Smellie from the Hamilton Tiger Cats Football Club on behalf of the Hamilton Sports Hall of Fame (HSHoF), who contacted me on the day of the second game of the Mann Cup Senior “A” National Lacrosse Games in Langley this past September. He wrote saying he was looking for anything on CLHoF charter member Billy Isaacs, who the HSHoF is inducting this year. He said Billy Isaacs played lacrosse for the Toronto Marlboros, Hamilton Tigers, Burlington Beavers, Mimico-Brampton Combines, and St. Catharines, but could not find much of anything else. I replied that I would look in our archival records upon my return to the Hall. Interestingly, on the same day Matthew contacted me, I was also notified by the community centre’s receptionist Jan that a photograph had fallen onto the museum floor. When I enter the Hall six days later I found the picture. I took a close look and found it was a Mann Cup 1942 winning team photo of the Mimico-Brampton Combines! What are the odds! The Mann Cup was just won by Brampton just a day ago, and Billy Isaacs played for the Mimico-Brampton Combines! Then I realized: this was also during the time Billy Isaacs played lacrosse, but he wasn’t in the photo. My imagination started running wild. I began to feel that maybe Billy tossed the photo on the floor because he had something important to say to me. I don’t know why

but I had the feeling that it was important that he was not in this photo. I was standing in front of the wall of team photo groupings, gazing up top at where the photo was tossed from, and after coming to the conclusion that the frame’s old failing hardware was probably the reason it fell off the wall, I started to feel disappointed at the possibility that Billy had nothing to do with it. However, I began to wonder if it was a coincidence or not that Brampton won the Mann Cup yesterday. I couldn’t stop thinking though, about the fact that Billy was not in the photo which was tossed on the floor. One thing for sure, if it was him who I don’t know why but I tossed the picture down, had the feeling that it something caused him was important that he to make a dramatic was not in this photo. move like this to get my attention. My eyes unconsciously cast down the wall from the large gapping empty space above where the photo hung between teams. Teams that were knocked down in size would “combine” with other depleted teams to make a full one, and they would even sometimes swap uniforms to cover jersey shortages. Billy was born on the Six Nations reserve, and passed away 26 years ago at the age of 72. I have to say, if any of you other-worldly lacrosse players in the museum want to visit me from the spiritual world, I’m here. By Katherine Freund-Hainsworth @October 2011, Archivist at the Canadian Lacrosse Hall of Fame.

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland


November 2011

27

Re-elect

Lorrie

WILLIAMS New Westminster Council

FEATURED BOOK

Saint Mary’s Hospital

by Jaimie McEvoy

BOOK SIGNING BY JAIMIE MCEVOY ON NOVEMBER 20

Are you an Author, Poet, or Singer Song Writer? Come down and sign up for the OPEN MIC and perform on November 6th, 2011 at 1:00-3:00 p.m. at Renaissance Books. OPEN MIC nights are a great way to demo your

poems, books, songs as a songwriter. We offer a laid back atmosphere where you can test out craft. It’s also perfect for when you’re starting out. TAROT CARD READERS Call Renaissance Books for scheduled days.

BOOK SIGNING OF 2012 SURVIVAL (HUMOUR) by author BOB ROBERTSON ON NOVEMBER 27 BUY 2 CHAI LATTES FOR THE PRICE OF ONE.

A LARGE COLLECTION OF FINE USED BOOKS, INCLUDING OUT-OF-PRINT & HARD-TO-FIND BOOKS AND NEW BOOKS BY LOCAL AUTHORS.

Check out Renaissance Books website www.renaissancebookstore.com

Submit your joke at piffle.ca


28

November 2011 Meet the Boyfriend A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.

LIZA’S

They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings. Later, the girls mom says “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.” “Oh, please, Mom!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of Community Service?”

HOROSCOPES November 2011

For an In-depth Personal Reading, go to www.lizakolbuck.com ARIES: Your daily life becomes busy with activity. You are able to accomplish a great deal during this time. Avoid arguments with coworkers and concentrate on getting things done.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh. Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

TAURUS: Expressing yourself takes on a whole new meaning. You are more competitive now so make good use of those energies. Your love nature is strong, go after what you want.

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

GEMINI: Much activity takes place within your home. Much can be accomplished in this area. Your professional life may oppose your ideas, best to keep a low profile.

WHO’S THE BOSS?

CANCER: Communications may take on a defiant tone. Conflicts within your daily life are apparent. Refrain from coming across as a “know it all” — listen and digest before reacting.

weren’t giving him enough respect, so he tried and old fashioned method of persuasion:

LEO: Not everyone thinks the way you do about your belief system so watch your reactions in this area. Understanding others will work wonders. Possessions do not make the person.

and taped it to his door. After lunch, he

VIRGO: You have the opportunity to show the world what you can do, so do it. You may find yourself having to fight for your rights or belief systems. Physical activity is strong..

under his. “Your wife called. She wants her sign back!”

LIBRA: Are you not getting the credit you think you deserve? This is not a good time to assert yourself. You will be able to put your plan into action next month. For now, patience.

IN SAPPERTON IN THE 1950s

SCORPIO: Formulate your goals and go after them with gusto. Much can be accomplished within a group; not a good time to go it alone. Get together with friends for the support you require. SAGITTARIUS: You have great ambition to achieve just avoid challenging authority figures. Conflict with bosses will come easy so be aware of others requirements and not just yours. CAPRICORN: You have a strong need to assert your belief systems onto others. Don’t waste time on defending your ideas, rather, look for new experiences to add new dimensions to your life. AQUARIUS: There may be disagreement within partnerships about money. It’s not a good time to ask for that loan. Any new relationships formed now will have a powerful effect on you. PISCES: Compromise is the name of the game for you now. Avoid all conflicts. If you must argue and defend, make sure it is worth fighting for. A great deal of energy can be put back into all relationships.

The boss was concerned that his employees

He brought in a sign that said “I’m the Boss” noticed someone had taped another note

Harry asked his wife: Did your leave a tip for little Ronnie Loftus who delivers our Columbian Newspaper? His wife replies: Yes, dear. I put some of it in the bushes, some of it on the roof, and some of it in the front yard.

ELECT CAL DONNELLY

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland


November 2011

29

Peter Julian, MP

Lest We Forget.

Thank you to our veterans and the men and women of the Canadian Armed Forces serving Canada around the world.

Burnaby – New Westminster Serving Our Community

Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Peter Julian’s Community office for assistance. Peter Julian’s Community Office: 7615 Sixth Street, Burnaby, BC V3N 3M6

Phone: 604-775-5707 l Email: peter.julian.c1@parl.gc.ca l www.PeterJulian.ca

Y C T P D K Q S L A H E T Q D

C E I N K C K J L O W L F U B

M I H J X M A Y O R C O H F K

T X K E Q Z R A D T H A J I U

N O M I N A T I O N S V L Z E

C O N E B M S X J L P X N N R

L E P O T E X Q V U F O G Y N

A A E E X G J Q B G I S I J R

Y N R E Z L Y L I T V E I H D

W Y A E K Q I S C S C E L K E

F U C W N C Q E T C M T N A L

Fin Donnelly, MP

F Q U M P E L W R H N S G H A

U X Q Q Q E G B M O V U O K W

M L I C N U O C U O T R C X W

E X Q D C B Y S F L U T B N Y

WORD SEARCH COUNCIL

ELECTION GENERAL LOCAL MAYOR

NOMINATIONS PUBLIC

TRUSTEES

“LEST WE FORGET”

New Westminster – Coquitlam & Port Moody Serving Our Community Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Fin Donnelly’s Community office for assistance.

Fin Donnelly’s Community Office: 1116 Austin Avenue, Coquitlam, BC, V3K 3P5

Phone: 604-664-9229 l Email: fin.donnelly@parl.gc.ca l www.FinDonnelly.ca

Submit your joke at piffle.ca

SCHOOL


30

November 2011

NT TO: BRUCE SARGE RTHDAY H APPY 50TH BI Y FROM: THE FAMIL THE POST CARD

other “Louiseville.” They went on arguing

The old man approached a young stranger

and arguing, until they came upon a fast-

in the post office and asked, “Sir, would

food restaurant. The one guy goes inside

you address this postcard for me?” The

and says to the waitress, “Tell me the name

man gladly did so, and then offered to write

of the place where I am right now really,

a short note for the old fellow. Finally the

really, really slowly.” The waitress goes,

stranger asked, “Now, is there anything else

“Bur-ger-King.”

I can do for you?” The old man thought a moment and said, “Yes, at the end could you

A BIT OF BOTH

add, Please excuse the sloppy handwriting.”

Submitted by Jim Nicholas

ELECT

CAL DONNELLY

The woman sits up in bed and says, “What’s

LET’S ASK THE WAITRESS, SHE’S NICE Two guys were riding in a car, arguing about how to say the name of the city that they were in. One said “Louieville” and the

wrong with my baby, Doctor? What’s wrong?” The doctor says, “Well, now, nothing’s wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite.” The woman says, “A hermaphrodite… what’s that?” The doctor says, “Well, it means your baby has the… er… features… of a male and a female.” The woman turns pale. She says, “Oh my god! You mean it has a penis… AND a brain?”

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland


November 2011

31

SUPER DRUNK Two men were sitting at a bar at the top of a skyscraper. Both were bending their elbows at a steady rate. The first man said, “You know, there’s such an updraft on the outside of this building, that if you jump off, you’ll fall for a bit, but the updraft will catch you, and bring you right back up to this balcony. The second guy said, “I don’t believe it, you’ll have to prove this to me.” So the first guy goes over the balcony and jumps off. He falls and falls and falls, and then he slows in mid drop, and begins rising back up. Finally, he lightly steps back onto the balcony. “See, I told you,” he says. The second guy says, “I’ve got to try that.” So he jumps off the balcony, and falls and falls and falls and falls. Finally, splat on the ground. The first guy returns to the bar and orders another drink. As he serves the drink, the bartender says, “You’re a mean drunk, Superman.”

Hey, Randy’s back!

CONSTRUCTION SITE FUN A young man at this construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone based on his strength. He especially made fun of one of the older workman. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. “Why don’t you put your money where you mouth is?” he said. “I’ll bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to the other building that you won’t be able to wheel back.” “You’re on, old man,” the young man replied. “Let’s see what you’ve got.” The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then nodding to the young man, he said with a smile, “All right. Get in.”

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Submit your community event at piffle.ca


32

November 2011

RE-ELECT

COUNCILLOR

BOB OSTERMAN “WORKING FOR OUR COMMUNITY”

604.521.7603

bobosterman@shaw.ca

NOVEMBER 11/12 BOB MARLOWE FREE MEAT BINGO NOVEMBER 5TH–11TH Every Thursday 6pm–8pm

MEAT & 50/50 DRAWS Fridays 5pm, 6pm, 6:45pm Saturdays 4:30pm, 5:30pm, 6:30pm

KARAOKE NIGHTS

Thurs & Fri w/Cal Connelly, Saturday w/Rockroom

We honour Veterans and their Families for their service and sacrifice.

NOVEMBER 11TH REMEMBRANCE DAY

10AM: Service at Royal Westminster Regiment Armoury, 530 Queens Ave 10:45AM: Service at Cenotaph, City Hall 11AM: 2 minutes of silence

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland

The Legion is open from 11AM for Veterans, Members, Guests and those who attend the Remembrance Service. All guests are welcome after 2PM.


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34

November 2011 Tour Bus Driver A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of old aged pensioners when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on

FREE SERVICE FOR JOB-SEEKERS FINDING INDUSTRIAL WORK IN THE GREATER VANCOUVER AREA JUST GOT EASIER Put yourself in front of companies who need staff NOW! Avoid wasting time pursuing those that are not hiring. Many companies are not advertising their own job vacancies — they use staffing companies to advertise, recruit and screen candidates. A staffing service, like ABL Employment Inc can help you streamline your work search, and put you in front of companies that you would otherwise never know are hiring. AND FOR JOB-SEEKERS IT’S FREE! Everyone is eligible, including:

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the shoulder again and she hands the driver another handful of peanuts. When she is about to hand him another batch again, he asks her “Why don’t you eat the peanuts?” “We can’t chew them because we have no teeth”, she replied. “We just love the chocolate around them.”

ANOTHER TURKEY STORY A new young blonde bride calls her Mom in tears. She sobs, “Robert doesn’t appreciate what I do for him!” “Now, now,” her mother comforted, “I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.” “No, mother,” the young woman laments. “I bought a frozen turkey loaf and he yelled at me about the price.” “Well, that is being miserly,” the mother agreed, “Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.” “No, mother it wasn’t the price of the turkey roll, it was the airplane ticket.” “Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?” “Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the back and it said, ‘PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE,’ so I flew to Alaska.”

ELECT CAL DONNELLY Submit your community event at piffle.ca


November 2011

35

Two guys were riding in a car, arguing about how to say the name of the city that they were in. One said “Louieville” and the other “Louiseville.” They went on arguing and arguing, until they came upon a fastfood restaurant. The one guy goes inside and says to the waitress, “Tell me the name of the place where I am right now really, really, really slowly.” The waitress goes, “Bur-ger-King.”

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A BIT OF BOTH Submitted by Jim Nicholas

The woman sits up in bed and says, “What’s wrong with my baby, Doctor? What’s wrong?” The doctor says, “Well, now, nothing’s wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit

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different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite.” The woman says, “A hermaphrodite… what’s that?” The doctor says, “Well, it means your baby has the… er… features… of a male and a

Elect

CHUCK New PUCHMA YR Westminster City Council

female.” The woman turns pale. She says, “Oh my god! You mean it has a penis… AND a brain?”

MY DOG MIDNIGHT “Please keep your dog beside you, sir,” a woman said crossly to the man sitting opposite to her on the bench at the park. “I can feel a flea in my shoe.” “Midnight, come here,” replied the man. “This woman has fleas.”

ELECT CAL DONNELLY

politicallycorrect.ca | chuck.puchmayr@gmail.com

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36

November 2011 THE CAPTAIN & THE SEAMAN Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: “Change your course 10 degree east.” The light signals back: “Change yours, 10 degrees west.”

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Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!” “I’m a seaman, second class,” comes the reply. “Change your course, sir.” Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!” There is one last reply. “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”

The Porch A blonde teenage girl, wanting to earn some extra money for the Summer, decided to hire herself out as a ‘handy-woman’. She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. “Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,” he said. “How much will you charge me?”

ELECT CAL DONNELLY

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, “How about $50?” The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

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The man’s wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, “Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?” He responded, “That’s a bit cynical, isn’t it?” The wife replied, “You’re right. I guess I’m starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes.” Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. “You’re finished already?” the startled husband asked. “Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.” Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along

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with a ten dollar tip. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “it’s not a Porch, it’s a Lexus.”

House Call It was the middle of the night. Suddenly there was a loud rapping on the doctor’s door, followed by a groan. The doctor angrily thrust his head out of the window. “WELL” he shouted. “No,” moaned the man. “Sick.”

ELECT CAL DONNELLY Feel comfortable and confident about your financial future with professional advice. Studies* show that clients of financial advisors tend to start saving earlier and have higher net worth. With The Plan by Investors Group™, I can help you save tax and better weather unpredictable markets. Contact me for your copy of “The Value of The Plan” and get started today. Bruce McAndless-Davis B.A. M.Div.

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38

November 2011 WHERE YA GOIN’ Officer to driver going the wrong way up Clarkson Street, a one way street, “And where do you think you are going?” Driver: “I’m not sure, but I must be late as everyone else is coming back.”

BEARLY CHRISTIAN There was this atheist and he was in the woods. And suddenly he heard some leaves cracking. He looked behind and there was a huge bear behind him. He started running and running and soon the bear was right on top of him and his paw was on top of him like he was going to swat him but suddenly he saw this big light appear and said, “For all these years you have despised me and now you call for my help.” The atheist said, “I’m sorry God. If you can’t help me, can’t you at least turn the bear into a Christian? Then the light disappeared. Then the bear knelt down and said, “Bless me Lord for this meal I’m about to receive!”

YOUR MONKEY’S GOT HIS BEHIND IN MY BEER Back in the early twenties, organ grinders used to go into bars with their pet monkeys and entertain the customers for tips. This particular grinder walks into a bar with his pet monkey and states that he can play any tune that they want to hear. With that, he perches the monkey on the end of the bar, and the monkey is hopping down the bar, when it plops his rump on top of a drunk’s glass. The drunk yells, “Shay, old man, duh yah know your monkeys got his behind in my beer?” The organ grinder replies, “No, but go ahead and hum a few bars, and I’ll pick it up from there.”

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland


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FLYNN ON A DRUNK Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror

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to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary

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staring at him from across the room. She said, “You were drunk again last night weren’t you?” Flynn said, “Why you say such a mean thing?” “Well,” Mary said, “it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly. It’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.”

THE DOORBELL A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn’t quite reach it. The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell. He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked, “What now?”

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The boy answered, “Now we run like crazy!”

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40

November 2011

PADDLEWHEELER

RIVERBOAT TOURS

SOME MUSICAL FUN A “C,” an “E-flat,” and a “G” go into a bar. The bartender says: “Sorry, but we don’t serve minors.” So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, “Excuse me. I’ll just be a second.”

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Then an A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, “Get out now. You’re the seventh minor I’ve found in this bar tonight.” The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit

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November 2011

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with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says, “You’re looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development.”This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural. Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. The bartender decides, however, that since he’s only had tenor so patrons, with the sopranout in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest, and closes the bar.

Great Truths That Little Children Have Learned: 1. No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.

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2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair. 3. You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.

Great Truths That Adults Have Learned: 1.

Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

2. Wrinkles don’t hurt. 3. Families are like fudge… mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

ELECT CAL DONNELLY

One of the best gifts you can give this Christmas… is the gift of your time. The Salvation Army is looking for enthusiastic, responsible individuals to assist with their 2011 Christmas Fundraising activities in New Westminster, Coquitlam, Port Moody and Port Coquitlam. Volunteer as a family-Volunteer with a friend-Volunteer as a staff team-Volunteer as a community group. Give 2 hours, 4 hours, a day, or join up for several shifts throughout the campaign.

The Christmas Kettle Campaign runs November 16th to December 24th, 2011 Call 604-521-2421 for more information. Email: newwest_kettles@shaw.ca

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42

ELECT

CAL DONNELLY

November 2011 AND WITH MY BACKGROUND…

one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into urine.

I’ve often been asked, “What do you old folks do now that you’re retired? Well, I’m fortunate to have a chemical

Kid Songs Do the ‘Alphabet Song’ and ‘Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star’ have the same tune? Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

engineering background, and

THE PSYCHIC HOTLINE A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.” The frog is thrilled, “This is great! Will I meet her at a party?” “No,” says his Advisor, “in her biology class.”

THE GYNECOLOGIST WHO BECAME A MECHANIC A gynecologist had grown bored with the work and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back,

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland


November 2011

43

he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear

“Yes Ma, I reckon I do,” replied the sleepy farmer. “Well, every morning before he leaves the

ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I

house for work, he gives his wife a big ol’

wonder if there is an error in the grade?”

kiss. Why don’t you ever do that?”

“The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was

The farmer sighed and said, “Well, I reckon I can, but I just don’t know her very well.”

worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.” After a

SENIOR ONE LINERS I finally got my head together, now my

pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an

body is falling

extra 50% because you did it all through

apart. I wish the

the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my

buck stopped here.

entire career.”

I sure could use a few. My wild oats

ME AND MRS. JONES

have turned to

A farmer and his wife had just waken up one

prunes and All Bran.

morning to the crowing of their rooster. While

I don’t remember

still in bed, the farmer’s wife says, “Pa, you

being absent

know our neighbour Mr. Jones?”

minded.

Elect

ELECT

CAL DONNELLY

Jonina Campbell

for New Westminster School Board Trustee Quality Education for New Westminster Students. Submit your joke at piffle.ca


44

November 2011

Po e t ’s THE TRADITIONS: REMEMBRANCE DAY Ridge, where many New Westminster men fought and died.

A tomb for an Unknown Soldier is a form of memorial to a nation’s war dead, where the body of one unidentified soldier killed in battle represents all. In the year 2,000, a tomb for Canada’s Unknown Soldier was dedicated at Ottawa. Within the tomb rests the remains of a young Canadian who gave his life at the famous Battle of Vimy

UNKNOWN SOLDIER

In the following work the City’s Poet Laureate Emeritus raises the possibility that Canada’s Unknown Soldier could be a New Westminster lad, who once drilled and shared a ration of rum in the hallowed building that is home to the Royal Westminster Regiment.

by Don Benson

He was a young Canadian who died at Vimy Ridge; Did he come from Chilliwack, or Gibsons Landing? Did he grow up out in Surrey, or up near Spences’ Bridge? Or, did he live within a mile of where we’re standing?

Was the telegram delivered to a mansion on the hill, Or a humble Lulu Island fishing shack? Was his graduation picture sitting on the window sill? Did his dog sense he was never coming back?

Did he play for Salmonbellies in the oval in the Park? Was he rover? Or assigned to guard the net? Or was the local drama club the way he made his mark? Did he learn to fish and swim in the Brunette?

Tonight, he’ll hear their voices — as they sing out bold and strong Where the Westies put their elbows to the test; When they raise a glass to toast him, and sing the soldier songs — Up there, with Larkin and McKinney, and the rest.

Did he dance around the maypole? Was he in the Boy’s Brigade? Did a New Westminster girl say she would wait? Did he lie in bed and listen to the sounds the river made? Was the Frozen Fraser where he learned to skate? Did he labour on the green-chain down at Royal City Mills? Did he plan to log for Gilleys? Or to teach? In winter, did he ride his sleigh down Sixth or Sherbrooke hills? Did he spend his summers down at Crescent Beach? Did he hang out down on Front Street near the taverns and the docks, And take a drink, and charm the girls and brawl? Did he still-fish on the sand bars and take solitary walks? Was he quiet? Did he hear the poet’s call?

When we wear the blood-red poppy, or say a silent prayer, Or lay a wreath beside the silent guns; We feel that he is present; we feel him standing there; For he is all our wars and all our sons.

Cenataph by Janet Kvammen

Traditions

SIMON FRASER – The Perilous Journey is enriched by Don Benson’s trademark verses, providing insights into the fears and triumphs of these courageous pathfinders using words only a gifted poet can weave.

Using his trademark blend of prose, narrative verse and photographs, the author transports us back to a time when New Westminster was a special blend of Victorian England and the American Wild West, where its earliest endearing traditions were forged.

The Perilous Journey

Also in 2007, he was awarded the prestigious British Columbia Community Achievement Award by the Lieutenant Governor of British Columbia for his contributions to Athletics, the Performing Arts and the Written Arts.

$19.95 Westminster Publishing Limited Box 224 720 Sixth Street New Westminster, BC V3M 3C5 Canada

Traditions

About The Author Don Benson was first named Poet Laureate for the City of New Westminster early in 1999, and was appointed for six additional one-year terms before being named Poet Laureate Emeritus, a life-time appointment, early in 2007.

This fascinating book will surprise, entertain, and inspire you. Be prepared to see our history in a new light!

Westminster Publishing

150 Years of New Westminster

Along the way, we learn how New Westminster, perhaps more than any city in Canada, became a city steeped in the unique, charming, and proud traditions it wears today as its mantle.

Don Benson has written extensively about Simon Fraser’s 1808 exploration of the river, the gold rush of 1858, the paddleboats that churned their way up the river in that era and the Great Flood of 1948. Over the years two of his works have won the annual Neville Shank’s Memorial Award for the best local history article in B.C. community newspapers. Don Benson was first named poet laureate for the City of New Westminster in 1999. He was appointed by city council for six more one-year terms before being appointed poet laureate emeritus, a life-time appointment, early in 2006.

Don Benson

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61995

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SIMON FRASER

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Don Benson

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Award-winning historian Don Benson takes us back through 150 stirring years in New Westminster, a Royal City born of British Columbia’s frantic Fraser River Gold Rush of 1859.

Benson also gives deserving praise to the First Nations people who guided, transported, entertained, fed and provided translations for Fraser’s exploration party, and on more than one occasion spared the lives of Simon Fraser and the members of his expedition.

Fold Line

Books by City of New Westminster Poet Laureate Emeritus Don Benson available at Irving House Museum.

There is no such thing as a tradition that exists of its own accord. Instead, and always, each tradition must be embraced and cultivated.

Benson gives due credit to the brave and boisterous young French Canadian and Metis voyageurs who transported Fraser, his officers and the tons of supplies necessary for such a major undertaking.

150 Years of New Westminster Traditions

150 Years of New Westminster

Simon Fraser - The Perilous Journey Through the pages of SIMON FRASER – The Perilous Journey, award-winning author Don Benson takes us down the roaring rapids and along the dizzying canyon cliffs with Simon Fraser on his daring exploration of the Fraser River in 1808, an expedition called the most dangerous in the history of North American explorations.

Don Benson


November 2011

45

No FEAR A naked man fears no pickpocket.

IT’S A MIRACLE An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?” “Just water,” says the priest. The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?” The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!” “See.”

DO YOU WANT TOGO TO HEAVEN Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, “Do you

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want to go to heaven?” The man said, “I do, Father.” The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.” Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to go to heaven?” “Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply. “Then stand over there against the wall,” said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, “Do you want to go to heaven?” O’Toole said, “No, I don’t Father.” The priest said, “I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?” O’Toole said, “Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”

ELECT CAL DONNELLY ELECT CAL DONNELLY ELECT CAL DONNELLY

THE HIGHWAY OF LIFE Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me! I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.

ELECT CAL DONNELLY

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46

November 2011

ELECT

CAL DONNELLY

PADDY’S PARKING Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important

column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. “Did you see the paper,” asked Gallagher. “They say I died!” “Yes, I saw it,” replied Finney. “Where are ye callin’ from?”

meeting and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven

DID YOU KNOW? The first testicle guard was used in cricket

he said, “Lord take

in 1874, and the first helmet was used in

pity on me. If you

1974. It seems it took 100 years for men

find me a parking place I will go to Mass

to realize that their brains could also be

every Sunday for the rest of my life and give

important.

up me Irish Whiskey!” Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, “Never mind, I found one.”

JOB INTERVIEW Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, “And what starting

THE OBITUARY

salary were you looking for?”

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary

The Engineer said, “In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

Hey,

The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company

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matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?” The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?” And the interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”

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Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, “I once was a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland


November 2011

47

my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so.” That night, while the

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princess dined on frog legs,she kept laughing and saying, “I don’t THINK so.”

BLOND JOKE WITH AN IRISH TWIST An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at a casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice. She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.” With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!” As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed…”YES! YES!”

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

PADDY AND THE TRACTOR Paddy is passing by Mick’s hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual strip-teasing front of an old red Massey Ferguson. Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers. Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay. “What the heck are you doing Mick” says Paddy. “Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin’ bejasus out of me, says an obviously embarrassed Mick, “but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.”

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Vote Wright!


THANK YOU. To all of those who have served, all of those still serving, and the families that have waited for them to come home.

And thank you Grandpa. Though you are missed, your sacrifice is remembered. – Councillor Jaimie McEvoy for New Westminster City Council www.jaimiemcevoy.com

Piffle Magazine 2011-11  

It's time to head to the polls and make your voice count in the 2011 municipal elections plus jokes and poetry.