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June 2011  |  Your community humour magazine  |  issue 129

Photo by Gabor Gasztonyi

“We are a proud BC based family owned company. We believe in what we do and are passionate about our craft!” Tracey Korotash, Store Manager See inside story on page 14.

YOUR DIABETES RESOURCE CENTRE

WE ARE OPEN Mon to Thur 9am – 7pm Fri 9am – 6pm Sat 9am – 4pm Sun 9am – 3pm

981 Carnarvon St New Westminster

604-523-6767

“Good clean cars, reasonably priced!”

301-12th St, New Westminster 604-377-5889 • ken@myfirstcar.ca • myfirstcar.ca


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June 2011

Mayor Wayne Wright

Canada Day is Friday, July 1 Celebrate the best Country in the world in the best City in the Country!

Catch them while they‛re laughing‌

advertise in Piffle Magazine!

Chris Sargent publisher@piffle.ca 604-525-9027 Rocky Della Serra rocky@piffle.ca

604-341-9215

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland


June 2011

3

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CALL 604-525-9027 TO BOOK YOUR AD SPOT

Glenn Jones would like to hear from his fans. E-mail him at funnybones.by.jones@gmail.com.

Submit your joke at piffle.ca


4

June 2011

GOOD HEALTH FOR 2011!

YOUR DIABETES RESOURCE CENTRE

FREE In-Store Blood Pressure Monitoring Most Extended Health Plans accepted. Easy FREE Blister Packing transfer of prescriptions.

Monday to Thursday 9am – 7pm • Friday 9am – 6pm Saturday 9am – 4pm • Sunday 9am – 3pm

More care because we CARE MORE! Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland


June 2011

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BURNING UP THE INFIELD: THE 1974 FRASERS June 12 2:00 p.m., Laura C. Muir Theatre, Douglas College City Stage New West presents a professional staged reading based on the 2010 book, The New Westminster Frasers, by Ken McIntosh and Rod Drown — a wonderfully human and often hilarious story of the young semi-pro baseball team that briefly launched New Westminster sports into international fame. Ticket price: $20 adults/$15 students and seniors (plus surcharge) Tickets are available at the Massey Theatre. Call 604-521-5050 or visit www.citystagenewwest.org

FATHER’S DAY BREAKFAST

Surprise Dad by taking him out to Breakfast with Champions on Father’s Day, Sunday, June 19, 2011 at The Armory, 530 Queens Ave., New Westminster at ‘Yellow Ribbon Day’ Pancake breakfast, with all proceeds to Honour House. Tickets in advance for three seatings: 8:00 a.m. ($8.00); 9:45 a.m. ($10.00) and 11:30 a.m. ($10.00) can be purchased online. Visit us at www.honourhouse.ca or New Westminster residents can call Louisa at 604-525-1829. Tickets at the door: $12.00. Children 5 and under free.

FOOD FROM THE GROUND UP

of our favorite foods and demonstrates sustainable, local eating. Held in conjunction with the River Market’s Canada Day celebrations where local artisans and musicians will be present their art. Contact Laura Vladimirova 778-322-3425, email eattheseeds@gmail.com or online http://twitter.com/#!/ foodthegroundUP

NO NEED TO STAND ALONE

If you are going through a difficult time and would like support, there is a free program at Century House for you. Senior Peer Counseling is a free one-to-one service in New Westminster. Trained volunteers stand alongside you to provide support through challenges such as: Grief; Loneliness; Loss of Health; Finding new meaning in life A senior peer counselor can meet you at Century House or in your home. Call 604-519-1064 to make an appointment.

FIRST ANNUAL HERITAGE REGISTER HOME WORKSHOP

July 1st, 2011, 11 a.m. – 3 p.m. Celebrating the best of New Westminster on Canada Day! A sustainable eating expo! From food photography and live food demonstrations and tastings by a local professional chef to farmers from the Royal City Farmer’s Market and kid’s games — this event challenges the misconceptions

June 4, 2011 at 1:00 p.m. – 5:00 p.m. City Hall, 511 Royal Ave If you are the owner of a house listed on the City of New Westminster Heritage Register, you are formally invited to the First Annual Heritage Register Homes Workshop. Included are presentations by seven professionals in the fields of architecture, construction, and gardening; speaker booths with further information on their companies; information booths providing advice on caring for your heritage home; and prize draws throughout the afternoon. Please note there is no fee for those who have a house listed on the City’s Heritage Register. Please RSVP by Friday, May 27, 2011 by phone 604-5274656 or email kstevens@newwestcity.ca

WE ARE OPEN MONDAY TO THURSDAY 9AM – 7PM | FRIDAY 9AM – 6PM SATURDAY 9AM – 4PM | SUNDAY 9AM – 3PM

Submit your joke at piffle.ca


6

June 2011 Chris Sargent, Owner & Publisher Email: chrissasrgent@piffle.ca

604-525-9027

Magazine Locally Owned & Published

Rocky Della Serra, Sales Rep Email: rocky@piffle.ca

Fourth floor, 604 Columbia St New Westminster, BC V3M 1A5

604-525-9027

Publisher & Editor: Chris Sargent Photography: Gabor Gasztonyi, Trevor Batstone & Darren Lulka Graphic Design: Cliff Blank production@piffle.ca

THE SAME: A synonym is a word you use if you can’t spell the other one. TEAMWORK: Means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Email: info@piffle.ca Web: piffle.ca A NEW HIDE: It used to take me all vacation to grow a new hide in place of the one they flogged off me during school term. – Mark Twain

FOR SALE: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

CAN’T TELL THE DIFFERENCE: Never argue with a fool. People might not know the

LIKED THEM ALL: I never met a chocolate I never liked!

difference. SURVEY: Latest survey shows that 3

MONEY TALKS… but all mine ever says is Goodbye!

out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

THEY CARE: If you think nobody cares

A NAKED MAN: Clothes make the man.

if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car

Naked people have little or no influence on

payments.

society.

THEY KNOW BETTER: One of the surest signs that intelligent life exists in outer space

LAUGH: Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

is that none of it has tried to contact us.

THIN INSIDE: “Inside me, There’s a thin

HOW TO: If you want to look young and

women trying to get out… But I can usually

thin, hang around old fat people. LOVE & LINGERIE: If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

shut the cow up with chocolate.” CHEER UP: The best way to cheer yourself is to cheer somebody else up. – Mark Twain

PARENTS: Having one child makes you a parent, having two makes you a referee. THE COST OF: It is hard to understand how

TINKERING: 1st rule of intelligent tinkering… save all the parts. SUICIDE BLOND: She was what we used to

a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed

call a suicide blond… dyed by her own hand.

it on the cost of living.

– Saul Bellow

WALKING: Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

SAY THIS TO A PEST: How many times to I have to flush before you go away?

BE NICE: Be nice to your kids… they’ll be the ones choosing your nursing home. GOOD QUESTION: If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

DOG GONE: I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone. IT TAKES TALENT: Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland


June 2011

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Greet summer with a smile! Happy Mother’s & Father’s Day!

778-773-0546 IT’S LIKE THAT: Friendship is like peeing in your pants. Everyone can see it but only you

bmcintosh@newwestcity.ca

Follow me on Twitter!

@BettyM13

www.bettymcintosh.ca

Book for sale at newwestminsterfrasers.blogspot.com

can feel it’s true warmth.

“Burning The Infield” a play based on the New Westminster Frasers June 12, 2pm at Douglas College Theatre. For more information, phone 604-619-8455.

A GOOD LAUGH: A smile starts on the lips, A grin spreads to the eyes, A chuckle comes from the belly; But a good laugh bursts forth from the soul, Overflows, and bubbles all around. BEAUTY: Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder! ISN’T IT THOUGH: Love is grand; divorce is a 100 grand. IT’S THE SMART THING TO AVOID: A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. NOT ME: I would stop eating chocolate… but I’m not a quitter! THAT’S FAT: You know you’re getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead. – John Mendoza SWEET PICK-UP LINE: Can i get your picture to prove to all my friends that angels really do exist? IT WAS ONE OR THE OTHER: I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. – Woody Allen JUST SMILE AT THEM: Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level. A SCRIBBLER WITH HUMOR: On an elevator in New York: Elevator out of order. Scribbled underneath: Try the ones across the street.

Leah Yallop Massage Therapy Registered Massage Therapist MSP, ICBC accepted

604-374-0352 114 Glover Ave | New Westminster, BC www.leahyallopmassagetherapy.com

Submit your joke at piffle.ca


8

June 2011

NEW DRIVER

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you’re

Martin had just received his brand new drivers license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. “I’ll bet you’re back there to get a change

thirteen, you’ll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won’t that be fun? 8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain “up yours” attitude… I like that. 7. Here’s a credit card and the keys to my new car… GO CRAZY. 6. What do you mean you wanna play

of scenery after all those months of sitting

football? Figure skating not good enough for

in the front passenger seat teaching me

you, son?

how to drive,” says the beaming boy to his father.

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend… you might want to consider

“Nope,” comes dad’s reply, “I’m gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you

throwing a party. 4. Well, I don’t know what’s wrong with

drive, just like you’ve been doing to me all

your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey

these years.”

thingies… you know… that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic

Top Ten Things You’ll Never Hear a Dad Say 10. Well, how ‘bout that? I’m lost! Looks like we’ll have to stop and ask for directions.

and pay whatever he asks. 3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring… now quit your bellyaching, and let’s go to the mall.

ABBA APA ATHAIR BAABAA BABA BABBO DAD FOTER ISÄ OJCIEC OTEC OTOSAN PAI PAPA PAPPIE PITA-JI TATA TATAY VIEJO

There are many different ways to say “Father.” Don’t forget Dad on FATHER‘S DAY, Sunday, June 19.

Councillor BILL HARPER | 778-227-4869 Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland


June 2011

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2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

“Well,” replied the young farmer, “he’s under the load of hay.”

1. Father’s Day? aahh… don’t worry about

THE SEA GULL

that… it’s no big deal.

A father was at the beach with his children

DAD WON’T LIKE IT

when his four-year-old son ran up to him,

A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off. “You look hot, my son,” said the cleric. “why don’t you rest a moment, and I’ll give you a hand.” “No thanks,” said the young man.

grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. “Daddy, what happened to him?” the son asked. “He died and went to Heaven,” the dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, “Did God throw him back down?”

“My father wouldn’t like it.”

THE PREACHER

“Don’t be silly,” the minister said. “Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water.”

After the church service a little boy told the pastor, “When I grow up, I’m going to give you

Again the young man protested that his

some money.”

father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, “Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I’ll give him a piece of my mind!”

“Well, thank you,” the pastor replied, “but why?” “Because my daddy says you’re one of the poorest preachers we’ve ever had.”

Are you sprinkling too much? New lawn sprinkling regulations are in effect June 1 to September 30. The new policy affects both residential and non-residential areas: Residential Areas

Non-Residential Areas

Even Addresses

Mon, Wed, Sat 4 am - 9 am

Mon, Wed 1 am - 6 am

Odd Addresses

Tues, Thurs, Sun 4 am - 9 am

Tues, Thurs 1 am - 6 am

Both Even & Odd

n/a

Fri 4 am - 9 am

www.newwestcity.ca

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10

June 2011

Citizens’ Coalition Supporting Honour House New Westminster, B.C. Presents “Father’s Day Breakfast with Champions” SUMMER FIRE SAFETY TIPS

A fire hazard is an object or an activity that has the potential to cause a fire. Use common sense to stop fire hazards from becoming a fire incident and enjoy a safe summer season.

SMOKING

Smoking poses many fire hazards, but none more so than carelessly tossing a cigarette butt on the ground. Dry grass, dead leaves, and twigs on the ground can provide fuel for very fast-moving wildfires. Leaving cigarette lighters or matchers lying around is almost an invitation to a curious child to play with fire. • Make sure to put smoking materials out completely. • Avoid using flower pots as ashtrays. Peat moss can ignite and cause a fire. • Use large and deep ashtrays, partially filled with water. • Keep lighters and matches out of the reach of children. • Remove debris and dry vegetation from your yard.

BARBECUES

Heat or flames from a barbeque can ignite nearby vegetation, wood, vinyl siding, paper towels and similar items. • Barbecue with safety in mind. • Keep barbecues a safe distance from anything combustible. • Keep young children and pets away from barbecues.

GASOLINE

Vapours from gasoline can catch fire from a small spark. • Never use gasoline on a campfire or charcoal barbecue. • Use approved storage containers. • Avoid smoking around gasoline. • When re-fuelling avoid spilling by using a funnel. • Ensure adequate ventilation when dispensing gasoline.

BURN INJURIES

Burns can happen quickly when you contact with hot objects or flames. If you burn yourself, immediately run the affected area under cool water for at least five minutes. If your burn is serious (charring, blistering) seek medical attention right away.

WILDFIRES

If you live near parks or forests, it is important to design and maintain your home and landscaping with wildfire-safety in mind. You can follow simple steps to make your home fire safe. You will not only reduce the threat to your property, but you help protect your home and family too.

VISIT WWW.BCWILDFIRE.CA FOR MORE INFORMATION Remember… there is no outdoor burning permitted in New Westminster.

Your New Westminster Fire and Rescue Services cares about you and your safety! If you require further information, please visit our website at: www.newwestcity.ca or call the Fire Prevention Division at 604-519-1004

Surprise Dad by taking him out to Breakfast with Champions on Father’s Day, Sunday, June 19, 2011 at The Armoury, 530 Queens Avenue, New Westminster at ‘Yellow Ribbon Day’ Pancake breakfast, with all proceeds to Honour House. Tickets in advance for three seatings: 8:00 am ($8.00); 9:45 am ($10.00) and 11:30 am ($10.00) can be purchased on-line through www.honourhouse.ca or New Westminster residents can call Louisa at 604-525-1829. Tickets at the door: $12.00. Children 5 and under free. Fun is foremost at this breakfast, with a full complement of serice displays and command vehicles, entertainment, door prizes (5 for every sitting) and a ‘Dad Pack’ for every father in attendance. Your breakfast will be served by ‘Top Brass’ with ‘lots of class.’ You can cast your vote for your favourite first response team in the ‘Battle of the Batter’, a competition that promises to leave no pancake unturned! Expect to see NW Fire and Rescue new 100 ft. aerial ladder truck, NW Police Service (co-owned with 4 other municipal police) new ‘Bearcat’ Armoured Rescue Vehicle, NW Police and Fire Command vehicle, Ambulance Paramedics modified ATV, BC Sheriffs 24 custom ‘passenger’ van to name a few. Every sitting will have at least one major door prize such as a return trip for two on the Paddlewheeler along the Fraser or Re/Max’s hot-air balloon trip for a couple. Honour House is a home away from home for physically or emotionally injured front line first responders. First responders include ambulance paramedics, fire fighters, police, B.C. Sheriffs, B.C. Corrections, Canadian Coast Guard, federal penitentiary personnel, as well as all Canadian military personnel. It is the first of its kind in North America, located right here in New Westminster. Honour House will accommodate up to 10 first responders and their families. Already at least four other Honour Houses are being built or planned across Canada. It is time for us to step up for those who have fallen while standing up for us! Let’s show our true colours by spending Sunday, June 19 with champion first responders and Dad at Yellow Ribbon Day Pancake Breakfast at The Armoury in New Westminster for Honour House. Honour your personal hero with this Breakfast of Champions — your table is waiting. Order your tickets now online at www.honourhouse.ca or New Westminster residents can call Louisa Lundy at 604-525-1829.

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland


June 2011

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AN ENGLISH LESSON

LARRY And DALE

No English dictionary has been able to

Two roofers, Larry and Dale were on the

explain the difference between the two words

roof laying tile, when a sudden wind gust

COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that’s

came and knocked down their ladder. “I

easy to understand.

have an idea” said Larry. “We’ll throw you

Some people say there is no difference

down, and then you can pick up the ladder.”

between COMPLETE and FINISHED. I beg to

What, do you think, I’m stupid? “I have an

differ because, there is. When you marry the

idea” said Dale. “I’ll shine my flashlight, and

right woman, you are “COMPLETE.” And when

you can climb down on the beam of light.”

you marry the wrong one, you are “FINISHED”!

“What, do you think I’m stupid,” asked

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are… “COMPLETELY

Larry. “You’ll just turn off the flashlight when I’m

FINISHED!”

halfway there.”

SWEETHEART

Hollywood Squares

A guy was invited to an old friends’ home for

These great questions and answers are

dinner. His buddy preceded every request to

from the days when the Hollywood Squares

his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey,

game show responses were spontaneous, not

My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

scripted, as they are now.

The guy was impressed since he knew the couple had been married almost 70 years, and

Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, “I think it’s wonderful that after all the years you’ve been married, you still call your wife those pet names.” His buddy hung his head. “To tell you the

Piffle’s MATH MADNESS

truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago.”

MAN’S BEST FRIENDS Friendship between women: A woman doesn’t come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend’s house. The husband calls his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it. Friendship between men: A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife calls her husband’s 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.

Try to fill in the missing numbers. Use the numbers 1 through 9 to complete the equations. Each number is only used once. Each row is a math equation. Each column is a math equation. Remember that multiplication and division are performed before addition and subtraction. Solution on page 18.

Submit your joke at piffle.ca


12

June 2011

THE EMAIL

Cabbie: “Not Brian Sullivan. He was a

A man who was just married was flying to

terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand

the Florida Keys for a business trip. His new

Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros.

bride was to accompany him the next day.

He sang like an opera baritone and danced like

When he got there he emailed his wife to let

a Broadway star and you should have heard

her know he made it there safely. When he

him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”

sent the E-mail he miss-typed the address. In Boston, a grieving widow, whose husband

Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”

has recently passed away, receives the E-mail.

Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory

She reads it, screams, and faints. Hearing her

like a computer. He remembered everybody’s

grandmother’s cry, the widow’s 18-year-old

birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods

granddaughter runs into the living room to see

to order and which fork to eat them with. He

the computer on with a message. It reads:

could fix anything. Not like me. I change a

Dear love… Just got here. Preparing for

fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But

your arrival tomorrow. Can’t wait to see you.

Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right.”

Love, Me.

Passenger: “Wow. Some guy then.”

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not

BRIAN SULLIVAN

like me, I always seem to get stuck in them.

Submitted by Don Mackay

But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he

A man walked out to the street and caught

really knew how to treat a woman and make

a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and

her feel good. He would never answer her

the cabbie said, “Perfect timing. You’re just

back even if she was in the wrong; and his

like “Brian!

clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly

Passenger: “Who?”

polished too. He was the perfect man! He

Cabbie: “Brian Sullivan. He’s a guy who did

never made a mistake. No one could ever

everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time.” Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

measure up to Brian Sullivan.” Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?” Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I’m married to his widow.”

THE VISITOR By Glenn Jones

#26-8720 Forest Grove Drive, Burnaby BC V5A 4C9  |  604-433-3986  |  E-mail: glenn-jones@shaw.ca

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland


June 2011

13

2-year Locked-in TERM DEPOSIT

2.5

*Rates are subject to change without notice. Terms and conditions apply.

Brentwood Office

Lougheed Office

Mon to Thurs 9:30am - 5:00pm Friday 9:30am - 6:00pm Saturday 10:00am - 2:00pm

Tue to Thurs 9:30am - 5:00pm Friday 9:30am - 6:00pm Saturday 9:30am - 3:00pm

1801 Willingdon Ave. Burnaby | 604-298-3344

9608 Cameron St. Burnaby | 604-421-3456

www.gvccu.com

KINGSGATE

115-370 E Broadway 604 875 8590

BRENTWOOD

1801 Willingdon Ave 604 298 3344

LOUGHEED

9608 Cameron St 604 421 3456

NEW WESTMINSTER 25B-800 McBride Blvd 604 525 1414

Submit your joke at piffle.ca

SURREY

1-9989 152nd St 604 584 4434


14

June 2011

A Proud B.C. Story by Tracey Korotash, Store Manager Based Family Owned Company

A

small furniture retail store located at 12th street and 7th avenue in New Westminster, Modern Home Furnishings has been providing Metro Vancouver with solid wood home furnishings for over 10 years and locally here in New Westminster for 5 years. We are a proud BC based family owned company. We believe in what we do and are passionate about our craft! We hold true to our product and values using locally grown, sustainable

here in B.C. Canadian born and bred, Modern Home Furnishings is one of only a handful of local wood furniture manufacturers. Our specialty is ‘bedrooms” and our selection and styles have grown to

from our Pine or Alder Design Lines, quality in our craftsmanship will never be compromised. Our customer base has grown over the years, particularly here in New Westminster. We are not

and reusable solid wood. This principle has been the key to our strong customer loyalty. As a family based manufacturer, wholesaler and retailer, we value the opportunities we have had

represent a little something for everyone’s style and pocketbook. Solid is the underlying element used in our crafted line of furniture. All our furniture is hand stained in our local factory. Whether you are selecting

a big store but, small and personal. Our customers have become our friends. Some stop at the store to just to say “hi” on their way to breakfast at the local eatery. We are definitely not your big box store environment.

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland


June 2011

15

Photos by Gabor Gasztonyi

“Our product lines represent all living

Our goal is to earn your business the good ol’ fashion way! We offer our customers an exceptional made in BC product with fair and ethical pricing. We always express our gratitude to you for your business you bring our way. Our product lines represent all living spaces,

including, bedroom, dining, spaces, including, and entertainment rooms, bedroom, dining, and as well as office furniture. Watch for our upholstery line entertainment rooms, coming soon. as well as office We offer a complimentary in home consultation for furniture.” custom orders and offer a staging service. Thank you New Westminster for your seeing you at Modern Home patronage, we look forward to Furnishings! Come on by and have a look. We think you will be happy with what you see. We are located at 710 12th Street in New Westminster. Give us a call at 604-5223932 or visit our website at www.modernhomefurnishings.com to see our full product line.

MODERN HOME FURNISHINGS

Attention Modern Home Furnishings Piffle Magazine readers…

710 12th Street, New Westminster

Receive an additional 10% in store discount off any order including our floor model discounts!

Solid Wood Furniture & Quality Mattresses

604-522-3932

Mention “Piffle Magazine” when you come in!

Submit your joke at piffle.ca


16

June 2011

TV Shopping A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

UPCOMING EVENTS

Know your limit, play within it.

ON JUNE 19TH WE’RE HAVING A BASKET DRAW FOR FATHER’S DAY!

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn’t serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn’t serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn’t serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, “How in the world do you know I am a blonde?” The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,

604-524-6524 | Entrance at 680 Clarkson St

”That’s not a TV… it’s a microwave!”

THE CABBIE AND THE CAT

INFRARED SAUNA MASSAGE THERAPY All sessions covered by Extended Benefit Plans

To book an appointment call

604.525.2008

A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard. The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave. Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house. They don’t want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland


June 2011

17

taxi while the husband goes back in. The cat

I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper

runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit.

sticker, the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder,

The wife doesn’t want the driver to know the

the ‘Follow Me to Sunday-School’ bumper

house will be empty. She explains to the taxi

sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish

driver that her husband will be out soon. “He’s

emblem on the trunk, so naturally… I assumed

just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”

you had stolen the car.”

A few minutes later the husband gets into

TRUCK FULL OF PENGUINS

the cab. “Sorry I took so long,” he says, as they drive

A police officer sees a man driving around

away. “Stupid hag was hiding under the bed.

with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls

Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get

the guy over and says, “You can’t drive

her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a

around with penguins in this town! Take them

blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it

to the zoo immediately.”

worked. I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! The cab driver hit a parked car.

The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins… and they’re all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the

Tailgating

guy over and demands, “I thought I told you to

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing,stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light

take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?” The guy replies, “I did. Today I’m taking them to the beach!”

by accelerating through the intersection The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, “I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him.

Another fine “time distraction” brought to you by your local Piffle Magazine.

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18

June 2011

Sneezing On the Airplane

CONSTRUCTION SITE FUN A young man at this construction site was

Submitted by Jim Nicholas

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few

bragging that he could outdo anyone based on his strength. He especially made fun of one of the older workman. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. “Why don’t you put your money where you mouth is?” he said. “I’ll bet a week’s wages

minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took

that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow

a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered

over to the other building that you won’t be

violently once more.

able to wheel back.”

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than

“You’re on, old man,” the young man replied. “Let’s see what you’ve got.” The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then nodding to the young man, he said with a smile, “All right. Get in.”

before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, “I couldn’t help

THE CANDLES IN ROME A couple, desperate to conceive a child,

but notice that you’ve sneezed three times,

went to their priest and asked him to pray

wiped your nose and then shuddered violently.

for them. “I’m going on a sabbatical to

Are you OK?”

Rome,” he replied, “and while I’m there, I’ll

“I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I

light a candle for you.” When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple’s house and found the wife

have an orgasm.” The man, more than a bit embarrassed,

pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins.

was still curious. “I have never heard of that

Elated, the priest asked her where her husband

condition before,” he said. “Are you taking

was so that he could congratulate him. “He’s gone to Rome, to blow that candle

anything for it?” The woman nodded, “Pepper.”

out” came the harried reply.

Piffle’s MATH MADNESS What year and make is the motorcycle at the New Westminster Police Museum?

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland

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June 2011

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20

June 2011

Sherlock Holmes Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

Drunk Irish “Blonde” An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino in Monte Carlo. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the

“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

dice. She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel

Watson replies, “I see millions of stars.” “What does that tell you?” Watson ponders for a minute.”Astronomically

much luckier when I’m completely nude.” With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish

speaking, it tells me that there are millions

brogue yelled, “Come on, baby, Mama needs

of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

new clothes!”

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a

and down and squealed. “YES! YES! I WON, I

quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident

WON!”

the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and

She hugged each of the dealers and then

insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will

picked up her winnings and her clothes and

have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it

quickly departed.

tell you?”

The dealers stared at each other

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. “Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.”

dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?” The other answered, “I don’t know… I thought you were watching.” The Moral of the Story: Not all Irish are drunks, Not all blondes are dumb.

Sheep Herd There was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheep herder over. “Tell you what. I have a proposition for you,” said the woman. “If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?” “Sure,” said the sheep herder. So, she sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied “382”.

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland


June 2011

21

“Wow!” said the herder. “That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick

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out the sheep you want to take home.” So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car. Then, the herder said, “Okay, now I have a proposition for you”. “What is it?” queried the woman. “If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?”

NEW ON THE JOB A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said,

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NOT MIKE A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into pairs for the day. That night, one hunter returned alone, staggering under an eight-point buck. “Where is Mike?” asked another hunter. “He fainted a couple of miles up the trail,” Mike’s partner answered. “You left him lying there alone and carried the deer back?” “A tough call,” said the hunter. “But I figured no one is going to steal Mike.”

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June 2011 A Few Good Laws Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you’ll have to pee. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

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the very next morning you will have a flat tire. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (It works every time!) Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, someone will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. Murphy’s Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

A Talking To I was stopped by the police at midnight and asked where I was going. “I’m on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body,” I replied. The policeman replied, “Really? And who’s going to give a lecture at this time of night?” “My wife,” I responded.

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland


June 2011

23

Po e t ’s

Paddlewheels on the Fraser

The paddlewheel era was a romantic drama, the Fraser River was the stage, and New Westminster had the best seats in the house. In the pre-railroad days, paddlewheelers from San Francisco and Victoria heading upriver, stopped at New Westminster overnight, and continued their journey the next morning. Passengers stopping over could find

Steamboat Days Take me back to the steamboat days when the paddlewheel was king On the Fraser, from the Sand heads up to Yale; Let me feel the main deck throb to the captain’s “full-speed” ring, When a steamboat race was a kind of Holy Grail. ~ A Paddleboat could pack a load, but didn’t draw much water, And according to her captain and her crew She could climb up on a riverbank, then slip off — like an otter, Or navigate quite well on heavy dew! ~

home-style cooking at Hardy’s Restaurant or pheasant and champagne at the elegant Colonial Hotel before strolling the boardwalks to the Blizzard Saloon on Front Street, or the Pioneer Theatre on Columbia Street. The next morning, back on the river, ladies strolled the decks to see the sights while gentlemen retreated to the bar.

by Don Benson But the Fraser is a brawler, and she’s brasher, swifter, stronger, And she knew more paddlewheelers in her day!

Others made a bear-growl, or an owl-hoot kind of sound, Or a bagpipe noise, best heard from far away.

~

~ The Fraser and the riverboats were rivaling companions; They’d frolic where the river twists and turns;

So, chuck the cordwood on, boys, all the pitch-pine you can get; Make the sparks fly, and the paddles churn up foam;

They’d chuckle in the straightaways, and wrestle in the canyons; But the Fraser always won, when she got stern.

Tie the steam-valve down, boys, for we ain’t been beaten yet; Tell the timid folks they should have stayed at home. ~

~

Fire the guns and anvils, for we had a record run; Strike up the band, and open up a cask;

The Mississippi River is much slower, broader, longer, And much better known, as Mark Twain had a say;

Take me back to the Fraser — that was my place in the sun; Take me back! And it’s all I’ll ever ask.

The whistle of a steamboat could be heard for miles around; Some sounded like a moonstruck coon-dog’s bay;

Traditions

SIMON FRASER – The Perilous Journey is enriched by Don Benson’s trademark verses, providing insights into the fears and triumphs of these courageous pathfinders using words only a gifted poet can weave.

Using his trademark blend of prose, narrative verse and photographs, the author transports us back to a time when New Westminster was a special blend of Victorian England and the American Wild West, where its earliest endearing traditions were forged.

The Perilous Journey

Also in 2007, he was awarded the prestigious British Columbia Community Achievement Award by the Lieutenant Governor of British Columbia for his contributions to Athletics, the Performing Arts and the Written Arts.

$19.95 Westminster Publishing Limited Box 224 720 Sixth Street New Westminster, BC V3M 3C5 Canada

Don Benson

ISBN 978-1-895493-02-3

61995

Westminster Publishing Ltd Box 224 720 Sixth Street New Westminster, BC V3M 3C5 Canada

9 781895 493023

Submit your joke at piffle.ca

Traditions

About The Author Don Benson was first named Poet Laureate for the City of New Westminster early in 1999, and was appointed for six additional one-year terms before being named Poet Laureate Emeritus, a life-time appointment, early in 2007.

This fascinating book will surprise, entertain, and inspire you. Be prepared to see our history in a new light!

Westminster Publishing

150 Years of New Westminster

Along the way, we learn how New Westminster, perhaps more than any city in Canada, became a city steeped in the unique, charming, and proud traditions it wears today as its mantle.

Don Benson has written extensively about Simon Fraser’s 1808 exploration of the river, the gold rush of 1858, the paddleboats that churned their way up the river in that era and the Great Flood of 1948. Over the years two of his works have won the annual Neville Shank’s Memorial Award for the best local history article in B.C. community newspapers. Don Benson was first named poet laureate for the City of New Westminster in 1999. He was appointed by city council for six more one-year terms before being appointed poet laureate emeritus, a life-time appointment, early in 2006.

Fold Line

www.newwestminsterpublishing.ca

SIMON FRASER

Don Benson

604-521-5584

Award-winning historian Don Benson takes us back through 150 stirring years in New Westminster, a Royal City born of British Columbia’s frantic Fraser River Gold Rush of 1859.

Benson also gives deserving praise to the First Nations people who guided, transported, entertained, fed and provided translations for Fraser’s exploration party, and on more than one occasion spared the lives of Simon Fraser and the members of his expedition.

Fold Line

Submit Poems: donbenson@telus.net Books by Don Benson Poet Laureate Emeritus

There is no such thing as a tradition that exists of its own accord. Instead, and always, each tradition must be embraced and cultivated.

Benson gives due credit to the brave and boisterous young French Canadian and Metis voyageurs who transported Fraser, his officers and the tons of supplies necessary for such a major undertaking.

150 Years of New Westminster Traditions

150 Years of New Westminster

Simon Fraser - The Perilous Journey Through the pages of SIMON FRASER – The Perilous Journey, award-winning author Don Benson takes us down the roaring rapids and along the dizzying canyon cliffs with Simon Fraser on his daring exploration of the Fraser River in 1808, an expedition called the most dangerous in the history of North American explorations.

Don Benson


24

June 2011

On The Street Where We Live

Part 5

by The Hainsworths

A

s mentioned in Part 4, last month, every year, we participate in house detective work as part of our research & writing, doing illustrations for the New Westminster Heritage Preservation Society’s (NWHPS) annual Heritage Homes Tour. Each year since 1979, the NWHPS Heritage Homes Tour & Tea organizes twelve or more local homes & buildings to open their doors to the public. Our image this month by Katherine is one prepared for this year’s tour, and is the Sidney & Marion Fletcher House, at 117 Third Avenue.

Illustration by K. Freund-Hainsworth This 1889 Colonial Revival Style home features a simple front gabled form of the Pioneer Tent, with addition of the cross gable and gabled dormer. Originally it was one of a mirrored pair with 115 next door, built by buildercontractor George Turnbull, where Turnbull lived until his passing in 1943. Pelham Street (renamed as Third Avenue in 1892), was at this time considered to be on the outskirts of New Westminster, still transforming itself from a city of wood to one of brick & stone. The twin home aside remains a Pioneer Style home, and these official dates make both homes amongst the oldest in the city. In the spring of 1889, 117 Pelham Street’s first ownerresidents were Sidney Ash Fletcher and Marion Ada (nee Fisher). In 1882, Sidney moved to Victoria from his home in Quebec City, and in 1883 married his Quebec

sweetheart, Marion. During this time he had been working on the office staff of the Honourable Sir Joseph Trutch, Dominion Land Commissioner and former Lieutenant-Governor. When the Land Office opened in New Westminster in 1886, Sidney transferred there. Later in his career he became New Westminster’s Provincial Assessor and Tax collector. After this, he worked another 24 years as a bookkeeper & accountant. He even occasionally wrote freelance for the British Columbian. Marion, active in the St. Barnabas Branch of the Women’s Auxiliary to the Missionary Society of the Church of England in Canada, served a time as its president. From 1886-1889, the family had rented two previous homes along Pelham Street — the first from John S. McDonnell of the Dominion Land Office staff, and the second from James Cunningham, hardware merchant. Pelham Street was at this time considered a home on the outskirts of New Westminster, still transforming itself from a city of wood to one of brick and stone. At this time, according to the diary scrapbook of S.A. Fletcher preserved at the New Westminster Museum & Archives, “Queens Park was in a state of nature, with trails running across it between stumps and fallen timber.” Their daughter, Marion Ethel, married Harry Percival Latham in 1907, and the couple moved into 117 in 1928, to live alongside her father Sidney after his wife passed away in 1922 at the age of 65 years — just 11 days after their 39th anniversary. Harry, born 1877 in Toronto, was the son of a noted landscape gardener and florist who had practiced his trade in Toronto, before moving west and settling in and resuming his business in Sapperton. Here Harry grew up, and as an adult began a 17 year career in the New West municipal government rising from a messenger boy to city treasurer, only to leave at the start of his real estate & insurance business. He was also a member of the city’s own world champion lacrosse teams in 1889 & 1900. They had four children, inherited 117 in 1934, and lived in the home until Harry’s retirement in 1943. Since 1989, the current owners have done extensive restoration and renovation, both returning the home to its former glory after the 1970s and 80s additions of a wraparound porch, kitchen, family room and bathroom, and back garden. Original features include the exterior gabledpeaks, which still exhibit original fish-scale shingles, CPR siding, and original interior features remaining include

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland


June 2011

25

the staircase & balustrade, wainscoting, door frames & bedroom doors. The current owners started with the kitchen and the upstairs. The kitchen was a renovation nightmare requiring the demolishing of the previous poorly done foundation, done over-top of the original shed kitchen foundations. The current kitchen now includes new wainscoting made from the salvaged original flooring. The second floor work included removing a dressing room, and installing an ensuite bathroom and some usable closet spaces. During this renovation the owners found original wall paper, and a ticket to a “Children’s Entertainment” from the Holy Trinity Sunday School,

NEW AUTHOR

Book signing for June 26, 2011

Skeena

by Fauzia Rafique View the book online at

http://libroslibertad.ca/infolibroslibertad@shaw.ca

dated March 7, 1892, issued to the neighbour’s 9 yr. old daughter Alice Turnbull. The home also features New Westminster antiques and salvaged treasures, including from the neighbourhood a hand crafted cupboard by the back kitchen door reading “Christmas Greetings 1897”. The owners are currently engaged in the finishing touches to the wrap-around porch, re-establishing the foundation and underpinnings. After 122 years, the stately lady deserves a refitting. By Katherine Freund-Hainsworth & Gavin Hainsworth, Co-Authors of A New Westminster Album: Glimpses of the City as it Was, (2005). E-mail: anewwestminsteralbum@shaw.ca

Develop Your Intuition!

Inner Journey Events offers weekly Open Circles and Healing Circles. Only $10 at the door, they meet Mondays from 7–9 p.m. at Renaissance Book Store. Upcoming dates for The Open Circle:

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26

June 2011

T A T A Y X H A E T X P A O L

Q T Y X O S B Ä C I V Q T H F

A F J B D B I S J B P O D T Z

K T B Q A F A I O A S P S X H

D A D J N X P P B A M W A N T

B H T C I P Y Q N B G T A P A

B H V F J N A O P A X W J L T

R B A B A L J D J A L A Z K A

P E R A T Q M X J C A J R P Q

C A T R I A H T A O I P C R I

Y Z P O P O R X Q J X E A M T

U Q T A F R Z I Z E G K C B Y

M G V S C E T O N I K I M W H

J X E V K I H J O V A R T M C

Y A F Q O F M O G P Q T O K P

WORD SEARCH ABBA APA ATHAIR BAABAA BABA BABBO DAD FOTER ISÄ OJCIEC

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland

OTEC

OTOSAN PAI

PAPA

PAPPIE

PITA-JI TATA

TATAY

VIEJO


June 2011

27

CLARENCE IS A BIG FELLER There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion

LIZA’S

and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence. He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn’t he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence? He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn’t realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: “CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN” “Oh, please, Mom,” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of

HOROSCOPES JUNE 2011

For more information, go to www.lizakolbuck.com ARIES: You will be inclined to spend much of your hard earned money during this time. Don’t let others influence you and avoid impulse purchases. TAURUS: Your physical energy is quite high this month and you will be able to accomplish a great deal. Others may be quite demanding of your time.

Community Service?”

GEMINI: Feeling irritable and uneasy? You may not get the credit you deserve, best to work behind the scenes and avoid confrontation.

ANOTHER TURKEY STORY

CANCER: This is the time to formulate your goals and go after them with gusto. Physical activity with friends will be beneficial.

A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, “Robert doesn’t appreciate what I do for him!” “Now, now,” her mother comforted, “I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.” “No, mother,” the young woman laments. “I bought a frozen turkey loaf and he yelled at me about the price.” “Well, that is being miserly,” the mother agreed, “Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.” “No, mother it wasn’t the price of the turkey roll, it was the airplane ticket.” “Airplane ticket… what did you need an airplane ticket for?” “Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the back and it said, ‘PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE,’ so I flew to Alaska.”

LEO: Great achievements can be made on the work front. Conflict with coworkers may arise and it’s best to channel your energies on work. VIRGO: You may be defending your belief system during this time. Put your energy into expanding your mind. Travel may be in the works. LIBRA: Financial disagreements may arise with your partner. Your hormones are running high this month; remember your value system. SCORPIO: Compromising with your better half is essential during this time. Is is really worth fighting over? Cooperation is the name of the game. SAGITTARIUS: Your daily life picks up considerably and you have the energy to get the job done. Health issues may arise during this time. CAPRICORN: You want to express yourself this month and so you shall! This month is all about playfulness and having fun. AQUARIUS: Much activity on the home front. If your thinking about renovations now is the time to get it done. Parents may cause difficulty. PISCES: You identify strongly with your ideas during this time. Write those thoughts down, they will come in handy in the future.

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28

June 2011

Sargent’s City Scene Sidewalk Mosaic Art Unveiled in Sapperton Four sidewalk mosaic art tiles were unveiled in Sapperton today as part of the recent East Columbia street improvement and beautification project. Development of the mosaic tiles involved a steering committee consisting of local business owners, residents, artists and developers working with city staff. The tiles are located at the crosswalks on the east and west side of East Columbia Street, between Sherbrooke and Braid. “The mosaic tiles are beautiful and really add something extra special to this part of the city,” said Acting Mayor Lorrie Williams. “The tiles help tell Sapperton’s unique story and the whole project is a wonderful example of community engagement — of bringing community members together to take pride in the neighbourhood and beautify an urban landscape.” Following a province-wide “call for artists”, Vancouver-based mosaic tile artist Bruce Walther was selected to create the public art. An open house in June 2010 brought together several dozen community members from the Sapperton neighborhood to brainstorm ideas that eventually became the themes for the four mosaic tiles. Long-time New Westminster resident Curt Higham worked with his employer Ames Tile & Stone who generously agreed to donate the tiles for the project. The richlycoloured tiles are imported from Portugal. “This, like the mosaic tile project on 12th Street, really underscores the City of New

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland


June 2011

29

Westminster’s commitment to the arts,” said Williams. “It also demonstrates how local government, corporate sponsors and citizens can work together to benefit the whole community, promoting civic pride, creating cultural tourism and boosting economic development at the same time.”

Westminster Pier Park Webcam Launched The City of New Westminster has launched a webcam looking out over the Westminster Pier Park construction site along the Fraser River. Accessible through the city website at www.newwestcity.ca, the webcam provides a birds-eye view of park construction with an image updated every 10 minutes during daylight hours. “Up until now, the Westminster Pier Park site has looked much like any other heavy construction site in Metro Vancouver,” said Mayor Wayne Wright. “As we move towards completion in the fall, the park is really going to take shape and we wanted to share that progress with people whether they are here in New Westminster or further away.” Construction of Westminster Pier Park began in Fall of 2009, after the City of New Westminster received $16.6 million in funding from the federal and provincial governments under the Build Canada Fund. Much of the work completed to date has included site preparation, environmental remediation, piling installation, wharf demolition and decking construction and installation of services. “Moving into the warmer weather, we’ll see much of the actual park construction activity come together,” said Dugal Purdie, Project Manager. “Earthworks, park building construction and landscaping will really show how beautiful the new park will be once it’s finished in the Fall. With the new

SARGENT’S CITY SCENE con’t webcam, anyone with an interest can watch during daylight hours and see how the park is progressing.”

Food From the Ground Up New Westminster’s community-wide Canada Day celebration of local and sustainable food New Westminster. Food from the Ground Up makes its mark at the River Market on Canada Day, July 1st, in celebration of sustainability in BC. The food, art and multi-media event asks urban residents to become more familiar with their favorite foods. Featuring photography by Laura Vladimirova of food in its various growing stages, offering the audience a deeper insight into their food. From the humble origins of chocolate to the strange and spiky armor of a raw chestnut, these photos delve into a world of food most urban residents have never seen! Farmers, Mary Forstbauer, of Forstbauer Family Food Farm, and Doug and Katie Lowe, of Greendale Herb and Vine will be present to talk about sustainable eating. They’ll also be bringing their fresh, seasonal crops for purchase. Also in attendance will be Chef James Groot of Make Food Labs, an innovative community catering kitchen, casual cooking class space, and production facility to prepare original dishes. Chef James will be preparing food samples on site with the fresh ingredients brought that day by the farmers. He’ll be working with ingredients such as garlic scrapes and beet tops to make delicious, adventurous and in-season dishes. Guests and their families will also be treated to live music, an arts market featuring local artisans, a Kid’s Korner with eco-minded kids’ crafts and the annual evening fireworks at continued on page 30 the Quay.

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30

June 2011

The event is created and produced by River Market’s Community Food Grant recipient, Laura Vladimirova. Contact: Laura Vladimirova, eattheseeds@gmail.com and Julie Ramirez, jr@rivermarket.ca, 604-520-3881. Location: River Market 810 Quayside, New Westminster. Hours: Friday, July 1st from 11 a.m. to 3:00 p.m. with fireworks later in the evening.

LEFT:

Mrs. Martha Brue in 1950 wearing a traditional Norwegian “Bunad” wedding costume including the crown. BELOW:

Norway Aid Group Executives during World War II in the Lower Mainland.

Nordic Spirit 2011: Early Norwegian Immigrants in BC Exhibit now on at New Westminster Museum and Archives The New Westminster Museum and Archives (NWMA) is now showing Nordic Spirit — Early Norwegian Immigrants in BC. This temporary exhibit is about the Norwegian immigrant experience in BC and consists of over 100 panels of historical photographs from Norwegian families who settled in British Columbia, including some in New Westminster. The photos are supplemented by some Norwegian family heirlooms. The exhibit is now open. The travelling exhibit was created by the Scandinavian Cultural Society in Burnaby. Nordic Spirit — Early Norwegian Immigrants in BC will be on display at NWMA until July 17, when it will be replaced by an exhibit about Danish immigrants in BC. The New Westminster Museum and Archives galleries are open to the public Wednesday through Sunday, 12:00 noon to 5:00 p.m. Admission is by donation. For more information, contact: Colin Stevens, Museum and Archives Manager at 604-527-4639 or cstevens@newwestcity.ca.

The Beedie Group To Build Largest Industrial Building in Lower Mainland The Beedie Group is pleased to announce a major industrial expansion to their Queensborough site in New Westminster, BC. A new 504,000 square foot warehouse building on a 22 acre site will meet the warehousing needs of Kruger Products, a major producer of tissue products. “This will be the largest building built in the history of our company and, to our knowledge, the largest single phase one storey industrial building in Metro Vancouver,” said Ryan Beedie, President of The Beedie Group. “We are very excited to be working with Kruger Products and locating our building in New Westminster.” This industrial development will allow one of New Westminster’s major employers, Kruger

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Products, to meet its storage needs. “This building is integral to our future operation in New Westminster,” said Chuck Stewart, General Manager of Kruger Products’ Western Manufacturing Division. “We are pleased to be a growing success story here in British Columbia.” Kruger currently employs 600 people in New Westminster. The promotion and retention of industrial employment is a strategic priority for the City of New Westminster. According to Mayor Wayne Wright, “We’re very pleased that a well-respected developer, The Beedie Group, is demonstrating confidence in New Westminster. Anything that helps Kruger expand and remain competitive is good for our city and our citizens. We welcome this new development in Queensborough.” A ground breaking ceremony is planned for June 10, 2011 at 2:00 p.m. on the site. For further information, contact Mat Wilcox, 604-828-7007, mwilcox@wilcoxgroup.com.

New Westminster Archives’ Database Now Online The New Westminster Museum and Archives is very pleased to announce that our Archives’ database is now online. This publicly accessible database enables users to search and view descriptions of documents, photographs and other archival material. Users can search the database simply by using keywords or by creating more complex searches using different criteria such as dates, subjects, names and locations. The database also has a sharing feature which will allow users to easily email record links to others or even send photos directly to their Facebook page or other social media sites. Users are also encouraged to comment on photographs and other records by using the email address provided. “This will be the first time in our city’s history that people with access to the Internet

Call to Book Your Ad Today! 604-525-9027 will be able to view our excellent photograph collection from either the comfort of their homes or any other location in the world,” says archivist Barry Dykes. “For instance, I was able to search and retrieve images using my own smart phone. However, until the time when we get the bulk of our photographs online, people will still need to visit the archives; in any case, this is still a great start.” Currently, the database contains over 4,000 descriptions, primarily of photographs. This represents only a fraction of the Archives’ total collection. More descriptions will be added as they are completed, so the site will continue to grow. The New Westminster Museum and Archives acts as the memory and treasure-house for the people of New Westminster. The NWMA holds both official City records, which date back to 1860, as well as community records created by the Royal Engineers, societies, families and individuals. Now you can search at anytime online, and of course, you are still welcome to come and research in person. To view or search the database, please use the following link: http://archives.newwestcity.ca

Poetic Justice: New Time and Location — June 2011 The Heritage Grill, 447 Columbia Street, New Westminster, beside Columbia SkyTrain Station. 3:00 p.m. to 5 p.m. every Sunday! Come early and sign up for Open Mic. Featured poets start 3:00 p.m. For more information contact Franci Louann, 604-522-7613, flouann@telus.net; Candice James, 778-322-1131, saddlestone@shaw.ca; or Reese McBeth, 604-520-0848, sugartoejimmy@gmail.com. Also home of “SLAM CENTRAL” on alternate Thursday evenings! City Scene End

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June 2011 PUNS FOR THE EDUCATED MINDS Submitted by Trevor Batstone

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian 3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. 4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption. 5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery. 6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. 10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’ 13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. 14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’ 15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 17. A backward poet writes inverse. 18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

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June 2011

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got a taste of religion. 20. I you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine. 21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’ 22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says ‘Dam!’ 23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too. 24. Two hydrogen atoms meet.  One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’

GRANDMA I was out walking with my 4-year-old Grand

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daughter. She picked up something off of the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. “Why?” my Granddaughter asked. “Because it’s been on the ground; you don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty, and probably has germs,” I replied. At this point, my Granddaughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, “Grandma, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.” I was thinking quickly. “All Grandmas know this stuff. It’s on the Grandma Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Grandma.” We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. “Oh… I get it!” she beamed. “So if you don’t pass the test you have to be the Grandpa.” “Exactly,” I replied with a big smile on my face.

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June 2011

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PUTTING ON POUNDS When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, “Mummy, you are getting fat!” I replied, “Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.” “I know,” she replied, but what’s growing in your bum?”

Chinese Dinner A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the ‘Chicken Surprise’, the waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. “Good grief, did you see that?” she asks her husband. He hasn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation. “Please sir,” says the waiter, “what you order?”

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June 2011

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The husband replies, “Chicken Surprise.” “Ah! So sorry,’ says the waiter, “I bring you

1958 Harley Davidson

Peeking Duck.”

PUTTING ON POUNDS When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, “Mummy, you are getting fat!” I replied, “Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.” “I know,” she replied, but what’s growing in your bum?”

WHAT A WASTE A tightwad was convinced by a friend to buy a couple of lottery tickets. But after he won the big prize he didn’t seem happy. “What’s wrong?” the friend asked. “You just became a millionaire!” “I know,” he groaned, “But I can’t imagine why I bought that second ticket!”

I BEAT MY DOG A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. “I can hardly believe my eyes!” he exclaimed. “That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen.”

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June 2011 Tailgating The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, “I’m very sorry for this mistake.

Subscription Form Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland

name address city Province Phone email

You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday-School’ bumper sticker, and the

Postal

chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally… I assumed you had stolen the car.”

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TV Shopping A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn’t serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

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June 2011

37

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn’t serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time,

Do You Have a Book Waiting to be Published? My Story

she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says

Have you considered making an e-book?

that she doesn’t serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, “How in the world do you know I am a blonde?” The clerk looks at her disgustedly and

Yors T Rooley

says,”That’s not a TV… it’s a microwave!”

THE PET STORE PARROT A man was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, “Hey buddy, you are really ugly.” Well, the guy is furious!

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He stormed past the store to work. On the way home he saw the same parrot and it said to him, “He buddy, you are really ugly.” He was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to him “Hey buddy, you are really ugly.” The guy was so ticked that he went into the store and warned he would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn’t say it again. When the guy walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to him, ”Hey buddy.” He paused and said, ”Yes?” The bird said, “You know.”

Some Q & A Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the

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38

June 2011

Locker Room

He studies the pieces for a moment, then

A group of guys are in a locker room, when a cell phone rings. One of them picks it up.

looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do,

Man: “Hello.“

we’re not going to be able to assemble

Woman: “Honey it’s me. Are you at the club?”

these pieces into anything resembling a

Man: “Yes.”

rooster.”

Woman: “Well, I have news. The house we

He takes her hand and says, “Second, I

wanted is back on the market. They are

want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of

asking $950,000.”

tea, but first,” he said with a deep sigh, “let’s

Man: “Well then, go ahead and make an

put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”

offer, but make it $1.2 million so we’ll be sure

QUIET

to get it.” Woman: “Okay, I’ll see you later. I love you !”

A Sunday school teacher asked her little

Man: “Bye, I love you too.”

children, as they were on the way to church

The man hangs up. Then he asks, “Anyone

service, “And why is it necessary to be

know who’s phone this is?”

quiet in church?” One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”

THE ROOSTER PUZZLE

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and

Submitted by Judy Bishop

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me.” I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.” Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

asked for forgiveness. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the

The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.” Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

passengers in his car. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland


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Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? Some people are like Slinkies… not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish. Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

YOUR HELP IS URGENTLY NEEDED

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR.” I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it… so I said “Implants?” Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they

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are sexy. I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white

1-800-418-1111 www.redcross.ca The needs are great but you can make a difference. All funds raised will support the Red Cross.

shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

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June 2011

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Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland

Piffle Magazine 2011-06  

In this issue: Citizens' Coalition supporting Honour House, Modern Home Furnishings tells their local story, Paddlewheels on the Fraser in P...

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