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YOUR DIABETES RESOURCE CENTRE

WE ARE OPEN Mon to Fri 9am – 6pm Sat 9am – 2:30pm Sun 9am – 1:30pm

981 Carnarvon St New Westminster

604-523-6767

LOCALLY PUBLISHED SINCE 2000

CITY SCENE MAGAZINE

July 2015 Issue #178

MERMAIDS ARE REAL

PLUS INTERVIEW WITH PETER JULIAN

PHOTO BY STEVEN BROSCHAT

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“Let’s Get Ahead Together”

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Peter Julian, MP Burnaby – New Westminster Serving Our Community

Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Peter Julian’s Community office for assistance. Peter Julian’s Community Office: 7615 Sixth Street, Burnaby, BC V3N 3M6

Phone: 604-775-5707 l Email: peter.julian.c1@parl.gc.ca l www.PeterJulian.ca

WORD SEARCH M F C J Q I Z H G X L G L V K

C C E U T J G K X F D N N W O

J V L L E C B P E V O O G U K

O Y E Y P C Z I S Y R C A T Z

R R B F N L U C L T O H I V I

A N R G E O F R H N M S A F U

F G A A V D E Y S U C I X X V

F B T R C M E T I H F T F D S

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L R S O Q T R H A X H R S F H

H W F M U D J E J T C B X O E

B I R T H D A Y M V I A F S I

H I I I G G U K K A I O C V T

N O J O W L D K Y L B H N T J

N O B Q H M W S A D A N A C U

ACT AMERICA BIRTHDAY BRITISH CANADA CELEBRATES CONSTITUTION FEDERATION FORMERLY JULY NORTH

Locally Published Since 2000 Fourth floor, 604 Columbia St New Westminster, BC V3M 1A5

Chris Sargent 604-525-9027 Owner & Publisher Email: chrissargent@piffle.ca

John Ashdown 604-657-5600 Verne Siebert 604-763-6304 Email: sales@piffle.ca Graphic Design: Cliff Blank Email: production@piffle.ca Photography: Gabor Gasztonyi

piffle.ca

Serving the Community of New Westminster Our office can assist with provincial government issues such as MSP, income assistance and provincial disability, WorkSafe, and ICBC.

Judy Darcy, MLA

EMAIL

judy.darcy.mla@leg.bc.ca PHONE 604-775-2101

Judy Darcy’s Constituency Office is located at 737 Sixth St, New Westminster, V3L 3C6

July 2015

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CLEAN-UP ON AISLE 18 Eddie and his wife June are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Heineken and puts it in their cart. “What do you think you’re doing,” asks June. “They’re on sale, only $15 for 24 cans,” Eddie replies. “Put them back, we can’t afford them’,” demands the wife, and so they carry-on shopping. A few aisles further on along June picks up a $30 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. “What do you think you’re doing,” asks Eddie.

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“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife. Her husband retorts, “So does 24 cans of Heineken and it’s half the price.” Eddie never knew what hit him. The next thing he heard on the supermarket PA system was: “Clean-up on aisle 18, we have a husband down.” SNAP, CHACKLE, POP Q: What does a kitty like to eat for breakfast? A: Mice Krispies.

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4 LONGEVITY PHARMACY BRINGS CUSTOM MEDICINE TO DOWNTOWN NEW WESTMINSTER Longevity Pharmacy located in the heart of New Westminster, inside of the beautiful Polo Health + Longevity Centre which is a wellness clinic with a multi-disciplinary, integrative and holistic approach to preventative health care. Our ability to prepare custom medications allows us to dispense them in various forms such as lozenges, lotions, creams, suppositories, transdermal gels and more. In addition, we can also follow a doctor’s unique prescription to make a medication stronger or weaker as it best fits each patient, or even add a preferred flavouring. Because preparation of custom medications requires special training and certification, our pharmacists have extensive training and expertise in compounding techniques. Our staff is a part of a network of pharmacists, physicians, and professional organizations that allow us to stay abreast of new innovations and changes in the pharmaceutical community.

SENIOR MOMENT There was a bit of confusion at department store this morning. When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, ‘Strip down facing me.’ Making a mental note to complain to the manager about excessive security running, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my debit card. I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. DEAR DAD It is with a heavy heart that I write this letter. I decided to elope with my new girlfriend Tamara. We wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mum. I’ve found real passion with Tamara and she is so lovely — even with her nose piercing, tattoos, and her tight motorcycle clothes. But it’s not only the joy Dad, she’s pregnant and Tamara said that we will be very happy. Even though you won’t care for her as she is so much older than me, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that’s now one of my dreams too. Tamara taught me that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone, and we’ll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure we’ll be back to visit, so you can get to know your grandchildren Your everloving son, Eddie.

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PS: Don’t worry Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at the next door’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my end of year school report which is in the centre drawer of my desk. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home. MOM AT THE SUPERMARKET Fred watched as a woman at his supermarket shopped with a three-year-old girl. As they approached the sweet section the little girl asked for some liquorice sticks and her mother told her, ‘No’. The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss. The mother said softly, ‘Now Cindy, our shopping is going well, Don’t be upset… we’ll soon be out of here.’ Presently, they came to the aisle where the ice cream was on offer and the little girl began to ask for an ice cream bar. When told she couldn’t have one she began to cry. The mother said gently, “There, there, Cindy, don’t cry. Only two more aisles to go and then we’ll be at the check out.” When they got to the conveyer belt the little girl immediately began to demand sweets next to the checkout. Finally she threw a tantrum when her mother would not let her have any sweets. The mother, calmed her saying, “Cindy, we’ll be through this queue in two minutes and then we can go home and have a glass of milk and a nap.” Fred followed them out to the car park and stopped the woman to compliment her on her child management. “I couldn’t help admiring how patient you were with little Cindy,” Fred said. The mother turned and replied, “Oh, no, I’m Cindy. My little girl’s name is Dorothy.”

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FREE OPEN MIC NIGHT

free family friendly event featuring poetry readings and OPEN MIC sign-up. In the event of rain, we July 5, 7:00 PM - 9:00 PM Renaissance Books, 43 6th St, New Westminster will relocate to the Arts Council Gallery near the Sunday nights Renaissance Books hosts an open bandshell. mic night for Songwriters. For new and emerging Seating is available but bring a chair/ blanket to get songwriters. Write it! Bring it! Sing it! For more closer to the stage. information call 604-525-4566, email renbooks@ Be sure to bring a telus.net or visit www.renaissancebookstore.com. f r i e n d a n d m a y b e

SUMMER MOVIE SERIES 2015

even a poem to read! More information : www.rclas.com. Email secretary@rclas.com.

• July 17: GREASE

OUR WORKING WATERFRONT 1945-2015

FRIDAYS, 7:00 PM - 10:30 PM • July 10: FOOTLOOSE

• July 24: HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON 2 • July 31: TOY STORY 2 Bring your family, friends, blankets, and lawn chairs, and join us on Friday nights for a movie series under the stars at Queen’s Park Stadium! Stadium doors open at 7:00 PM, with the movie beginning at dusk (approx. 9:00 PM). In case of questionable weather, call 604-527-4634. Questions? Call 604-515-3775.

12TH STREET MUSIC FESTIVAL

July 26, 10:00 AM - 4:00 PM The 12th Street Music Festival is back! If you are fan of blues, rock, jazz, and swing then you will not want to miss out on this event! Join in for some great activities for everyone in the family to enjoy. There will be entertainment, music, children’s entertainment, and much more!

POETRY IN THE PARK

Wednesday evenings 6:00 PM - 8:00 PM July 1 through August 26 Queen’s Park Bandshell This summer Royal City Literary Arts Society presents PIP 2015! Everyone is welcome to attend this

AN EXHIBITION EXPLORING THE DIVERSITY OF WORK ON NEW WESTMINSTER’S WATERFRONT JULY 9 - OCTOBER 27 New Westminster Museum & Archives. Price: Complimentary This exhibition explores the diversity of work on the New Westminster waterfront from 1945 to the present, including shipbuilding, longshore work, food service, and tug boating. The exhibit draws on more than 90 oral histories with waterfront workers, and is the culmination of 4 years of collaboration between the New Westminster Museum and Archives, longshore pensioners of ILWU Local 502, teachers in our City’s schools, and Simon Fraser University. The New Westminster Museum and Archives gratefully acknowledge the fi nancial assistance of the Province of British Columbia. Call Heidi Hughes, Director, Sales and Marketing, at 604-515-3815 or email hhughes@anvilcentre.ca for more information.

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10 JUDY DARCY REFLECTS ON THE PASSING OF ANITA HAGEN

PIFFLE’S

By Judy Darcy, MLA New Westminster A teacher. Community leader. School trustee. Director of the Senior Citizens’Services Society. A founder of Monarch Place w om en’s sh elter. Former NDP M L A for Ne w We s t m i n s t e r. Education Minister. Minister of Mu ltic u lt u ra lism and Human Rights. Deputy Premier. Anita Hagen’s life was dedicated to community service. Since Anita’s passing, my office has received letters, phone calls, and personal visits by many who were inspired by her compassion and her trail-blazing career. The people of New Westminster will be forever grateful for her commitment to building a better community here in New Westminster. I am so grateful to have known Anita, to have learned from her experience and her advice, and for having the opportunity to be enveloped by her stories - always gently and eloquently told. Deepest sympathies to her husband, John — who loved Anita with all his heart — and to her sons David and Joel, her grandchildren and extended family. She left us far too soon. 

  

Solution to June 2015 | PUZ ZLE #20

PICTOGRAPH

July 2015

BY ROSS HOOD

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PICTOGRAPH BY ROSS HOOD

PUZ ZLE #21

MATH MADNESS

The principle of this puzzle is to shade, in a logical way, boxes in the grid to discover a picture solution. Numbers on the left show the sets of boxes to be shaded in the corresponding line. Numbers above the grid show the sets of boxes to be shaded in the corresponding column. There is always at least one clear box separating the shaded boxes. TIP: It is just as important to discover which boxes are clear.

THIS ISSUE’S HINT: “THAR SHE BLOWS!”

Find the solution in the next issue of Piffle.

BE PART OF CHANGING A CHILD’S LIFE WITH MUSIC!

Try to fill in the missing numbers. Use the numbers 1 through 9 to complete the equations. Each number is only used once. Each row is a math equation. Each column is a math equation. Remember that multiplication and division are performed before addition and subtraction. Find solution in the next Piffle!

NUMBER BLOCKS

The New Westminster Citadel Corps of the Salvation Army is looking for sponsors to send kids to their Music and Performing Arts Camp in Gibsons, BC. Service Clubs, Corporation, and individuals are encouraged to help. For more information, please contact: Sharon Tidd, Lieutenant Corps Officer / Pastor Church Line

604-521-0363 Cell

604-644-5271 The Salvation Army New Westminster Citadel Corps 325 Sixth St, New Westminster

Try to fill in the missing numbers. The missing numbers are integers between 0 and 9. The numbers in each row add up to totals to the right. The numbers in each column add up to the totals along the bottom. The diagonal lines also add up the totals to the right. Find solution in the next Piffle!

Silence and smile are two powerful words. Smile is the way to solve many problems and Silence is the way to avoid many problems.


MERMAIDS ARE REAL

PHOTOS BY KONA COAST, HAWAII BY BO PARDAU

“M

ermaids! Mermaids!” the children on the beach screamed. They had just glimpsed two hot pink tails disappearing below the surface. People up and down the beach stopped what they were doing to catch another glimpse of those sparkly tails. “Mom! Mermaids are real!” one five-year-old shouted. “Look!” For Lori Pappajohn and Annette Johnston it was just another day at the beach swimming as mermaids and making people smile. And you can catch a bit of their fun at their Mermaids Are Real: A Photo Exhibit running until July 19 at the Art Gallery in Queens Park. More on that later, but back to the beach… “When we are in Hawaii, we love diving under snorkelers and scaring them to bits,” said New Westminster resident Pappajohn. “They are looking for little fish and suddenly a hot pink mermaid goes flying by. Many people have told us that we’ve made their day — especially divers who really can’t believe a mermaid just swam past them.” It’s not everyone who goes to the beach as a mermaid, but Pappajohn and Johnston do. They got bitten by the mermaid bug four years ago. “I was swimming at Canada Games Pool when some guys let me try their monofin,” said Pappajohn. “I’d never seen one before and I couldn’t believe the speed and July 2015

power it gave me. I instantly went from swimming like a human to swimming like a dolphin. Monofin competitors can swim up to nine kph. That’s fast and powerful. It’s an amazing workout.” Pappajohn went home and Googled ‘mermaid’ and loved what she saw. She and Burnaby resident Johnston spent the next two months designing monofins and fabric tails for themselves. Then off they went to Hawaii to mermaid. And the rest is history. The founders of Mermaids International love mermaiding so much they have gotten countless number of children and adults into tails at their swim parties. And they have been on Good Morning America and in a number of publications, most recently one in Vienna.

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13 For the past four years the two women have worked with some of Hawaii’s top underwater photographers, amassing a collection of thousands of stunningly beautiful photos. “It is so freeing to swim in a monofin. You truly become one with the sea,” said Johnston, a registered massage therapist. “We swim along reefs, along sandy bottoms and look into the face of fish, octopus and eels.” Open ocean swimming has its challenges, said Johnston, like the time the women were caught in the “Tahiti Express” a rapidly-moving current hauling them due south. They had to fight to get out of it. Other times they have mermaided in wildly choppy seas and high winds. But as soon as they dive under, all is calm, eternally blue and peacefully serene. It truly is another world. Pappajohn, a harpist and writer, recalls a very practical German friend who was reluctant to try mermaiding, thinking it was a bit silly. “When she finally tried it she looked at me and said in amazement: ‘This is transcending.’ “When you watch a mermaid swimming, it’s pure magic. No wonder there are so many poems, paintings and stories that feature mermaids,” said Pappajohn.

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HOROSCOPES by LIZA JULY 2015 ARIES: Your probably going to hear from past lovers and friends during this time. Mercury is lighting up your 5th house of fun, enjoy the good times ahead. TAURUS: Intuitive insights will light this period. You may feel inventive. Your mind at this time is activated; channel your talent effectively. GEMINI: Go into planning mode and not action mode. Bide your time. Conversations may grow in size and be superficial. Take heed before you speak. CANCER: Personal possessions and finances may preoccupy your mind. Plan your finances for the future and not spend what you have today. LEO: Try not to be to aggressive when conveying your wisdom to others. Make notes when sudden insights occur, they will come in handy in the near future. VIRGO: Your mind may be so receptive that it becomes overwhelmed. Transfer that energy into writing, poetry or something artistic. LIBRA: Invent or create something during this time. Individuality will not work. Get together with others for ideas and creative insights. SCORPIO: Easily depressed? Moody? Focus your energies on getting the job done. Make money the main motivator and all will be well. SAGITTARIUS: Study, do some inspired writing, get philosophical. Learn from people whose wisdom you respect. Plan that vacation now. CAPRICORN: Your depth might surprise you. Curb your sarcastic wit or arguments will occur. You may be asked to take care of wills or taxes. AQ UA R I U S : You will wor k we ll in group endeavors. Communications within partnerships may cause stress. Listen before reacting. PISCES: This is an excellent time for detailed work and practical thinking. In personal relationships, others may find you cold and fault finding. Be nice.

July 2015

In fact, mermaids have been part of the human psyche for more than 3,000 years, and are found in cultures from Chile to China. Since antiquity humans have told and re-told tales of these illusive creatures. Said Pappajohn: “Mermaids represent a portal to that world between worlds — a world you sometimes glimpse from the corner of your eye. A world you sense — but not see. “When we swim in the open ocean, we enter that other world. It’s as if we become sea creatures, diving into the deliciously deep blue, listening to the whales sing, looking a dolphin in the eye. You never want to come back up — it’s that transcending. And it’s that magic we want to share with others through our photographs.” Pappajohn recalls one of her most memorable moments when a pod of about 30 dolphins was 20 feet below her. “One left the pod, came straight up to me and looked me in the eye as if to say: ‘what the heck are you?’ Then he dove back down to his buddies. It is a magical moment when you connect with a wild being like that.”

Piffle’s MATH MADNESS SOLUTION FROM THE PREVIOUS PIFFLE MAGAZINE

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Contact James at jmayer303@gmail.com.   |   L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0


15 And you’ll see plenty of those magical moments at the exhibit: Mermaids are Real. “We have close to a dozen tails ranging in color from bright pink to moss green and sky blue,” said Pappajohn. “The rich colors of the tails are beautifully framed by the deep blues and delicate turquoises of the Hawaiian sea. Add a turtle or dolphin and you have pure magic.” Mermaids Are Real: A Photo Exhibit takes viewers on a journey to hidden coves and underwater reefs where maybe, just maybe, they might catch a glimpse of a mermaid. “It’s been said that the task of the artist is to ‘deepen the mystery.’ We hope our photographs do just that,” said Pappajohn. The exhibit also includes the duo’s videos and Pappajohn’s children’s book The Pink Mermaid and Other Tails. The Art Gallery in Queen’s Park is open Monday through Sunday, 1:00 to 5:00 p.m. On weekends between 2:00 and 3:00 p.m. children can take their photo with a real live mermaid at the gallery. More information at www.artscouncilnewwest.org or www.MermaidsInternational.com. 

Piffle Quiz

Hope to see you at Poetry in the Park, Wednesday evenings, 6 to 8 p.m., Queen’s Park Bandshell, July 1 – Aug 26. Everyone welcome!

The Lyrical Crow Flies Away © Janene White The summer breeze caresses softly through magnificent cedar and fir trees in Queen’s Park They surround the band shell with wisdom Stories of old held deep in their wizened roots of New Westminster, “The Royal City”, Poetry in the Park is gathered — a Murder of Crows listen enchanted as the poets versify their words All but one of the crows takes flight He chooses to stay; his black, shiny eyes fi xed Could he be the ‘Crow Poet Laureate’? Peals of laughter arise from the children in the distance at the playground Visitors stroll by; some choose to stay Words frolic with rhyme, prose, odes, couplets, haikus, and imageries They dance in the sunlight of summer The throng applauds in resounding adoration Sunset hues of orange, purple and pink silhouette the North Shore Mountains Night descends with dark creeping shadows The lyrical crow flies away filled with muse

Where does the word Canada come from? See the OK Tire ad for the answer.

Piffle’s NUMBER BLOCKS SOLUTION FROM THE PREVIOUS PIFFLE MAGAZINE

Janene White is a poet and writer who is active in the local community. She was raised on a farm in Salmon Arm, B.C. and has lived in Australia and Saudi Arabia. Her poems and prose have been published in several anthologies. She is currently writing a book about her experiences in Saudi Arabia where she was working when the Gulf War broke out.

POET’S CORNER with

JANET KVAMMEN DIRECTOR, ROYAL CITY LITERARY ARTS SOCIETY Welcoming New Westminster Poets! Please submit your “New West” poems for this column by emailing Janet: janetkvammen@rclas.com

“I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.” ~ W.C. Fields


July 2015

Luke Ramnath

Q.

The right electrolyte balance is very important to the healthy functioning of your body. If you’re concerned about your electrolyte intake, please consult your doctor.

Sports drinks are made for the more high intensity/endurance fitness enthusiasts who are exercising for long periods of time (1-2+ hours) or in very hot conditions like the summer months, where sodium losses through sweat can be profound.

Our body fluids dissolve electrolytes (ions) You can maintain a healthy electrolyte to allow the flow (conduction) of electrical balance by including these important signals throughout the body to regulate electrolyte sources in your diet: nerve and muscle function and to maintain proper fluid balance and pH levels (to keep • Calcium (spinach) your blood from becoming too acidic or • Potassium (dried apricots) too alkaline). • Magnesium (pumpkin seeds) We see lots of ads for sports drinks that boost/replenish your electrolytes and help I speak from first hand experience — you perform better. But do you really need YOU NEED TO EAT THESE FOODS OR SUPPLEMENT YOUR DIET with vitamins them? Be honest with yourself. If your

Electrolytes are minerals that dissolve in the body’s fluids,creating electrically charged ions like sodium, potassium, calcium, magnesium, and phosphate. They’re trace minerals, meaning we only need a tiny amount — but we need them nonetheless.

A.

What are electrolytes and are they useful for training during summer months?

46 grams of sugar — enough to replenish all the calories you just burned!

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17


18 A BIT OF CURIOSITY!

? Discover, explore, and satisfy your curiosity at the Curious Flea. This isn’t your grandmother’s flea market. Retro chic, mid centry modern, 50’s kitsch, up-cycled treasures, steampunk finds, and everything in between grace our curious halls. An appraiser is available onsite to help you figure out what fabulously curious treasures you may have! Now organized by Bits and Keys. This season’s flea promises to be even bigger and better! There’s always something to discover at the Curious Flea!

CURIOUS FLEA DATES FOR 2015! July 5th, August 22nd & 23rd SATURDAY 10am - 5pm

SUNDAY 11am - 4pm

FREE GENERAL ADMISSION For more info visit:

river market.ca/events

@curiousflea

@rivermrkt

810 Quayside Drive, New Westminster, BC 604.520.3881 so are you curious enough to check it out? July 2015

The River Market is excited to announce the continuation of the Curious Flea Market, now coordinated by local artisan Bonnie Hammond, of Bits & Keys’! Curious Flea is an event which features local artisans and collectors who come together to provide an upscale bazaar of the unique and curious! It features objects which have been recycled and upcycled in unique and curious ways, antique and vintage items, and crafts inspired by times gone by. It is a shopping experience which is unique, in that it brings together all kinds of oddities and crafts in a friendly open setting. Curious Flea occurs surrounded by local shops and restaurants in the River Market once a month and continues to work to celebrate the community of New Westminster in featuring as much local content as possible! Bonnie is bringing together her extensive experience as a market vendor, with her event planning skills and experience and is looking forward to hosting a family friendly event where our community can browse and shop in comfort. She is looking forward to themed days in the winter months where people can shop ‘white furniture’ or ‘stuff inspired by robots’ and is always looking for new people to add to the extraordinary selection of current vendors. Artisans will be featured in the upstairs and downstairs area and will also be featuring an outdoor portion! Her company Bits & Keys’ features jewellery made locally from bits and pieces of upcycled and recycled “stuff”. She takes apart watches, uses old keys, drills holes in coins and repurposes porcelain dollhouse tea sets and beads. Lockets and beer bottle opener’s sit side by side at this table as jewelry often meets function in her creative process. She can also upgrade single earrings and broken jewelry to make them wearable again and will gladly customize things onsite. Onsite will be an appraiser of the rare, old and curious as well as the Battle of the Curious, a fun, free and competitive event for both vendors and the public alike to bring their most unique and interesting items to be judged! Prizes are available for the most curious item submitted! Vintage clothes, and onsite alterations, First Nations’ art, and Chinese antiques. Everything unique and curious will be available, from the tiniest piece of antique jewelry, to the largest signs and furniture. There will be something for everyone! So please, find Curious Flea on Facebook and keep up to date with vendors and products!    |   L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0


19

SEPTEMBER 2ND GRAND OPENING EVERYONE IS WELCOME… Dance For Fun at The Swing & Country Club gets a new home The Sapperton Pensioners Hall 318 Keary Street, New Westminster Change your life… discover dancing! BIG BEAUTIFUL DANCE FLOOR EXPERIENCED PERFECT SOUND DANCE MUSIC TO DIE FOR AMAZING INSTRUCTORS: DAVE & CLAUDIA

Learn West Coast Swing Sept 2, 9, 16 and 30 Learn Night Club Two Oct 7, 14, 21

Lesson, Dance & Snack Bar $12 Dance only (no lesson) $5 OR: Join The Club! Members pay $5/event!

Learn Slow Waltz (Int. and American Mix) Nov 4, 11* and 18 Learn West Coast Swing Dec 2, 9, 16* and 30* *Live Band $16

Byron 778-709-8880 byronstarr@telus.net

“In the book of life, the answers aren’t in the back.” ~ Charlie Brown


20 THE X-RAY Doctor Smith was giving a lecture to a group of medical students at the city hospital. Pointing to the x-ray, he explained: “As you can see, this patient limps because his right fibula and tibia are radically arched.” The doctor looked up at the assembled students, and asked Sidney “Now what would you do in a case like this?” Sidney piped up: “I suppose I would limp too.” DEAR FOLKS, I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money. I feel ashamed and unhappy to have to ask for another hundred, but every cell in my body rebels. I beg on bended knee that you forgive me. Your son, Marvin. P.S. I felt so terrible I ran after the mailman who picked this up in the box at the corner. I wanted to take this letter and burn it. I prayed that I could get it back. But it was too late. A few days later Marvin received a letter from his father. It said, ‘Your prayers were answered. Your letter never came!’

INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING A CAT A PILL 1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. 4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. 6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by feline. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

We can’t wait to host your next event.

Sapperton Pensioners’ Hall

can accommodate up to 275 people and is perfect for weddings, dances, dinners, fundraisers, birthday parties, lunches, reunions, memorials, craft markets, filming, meetings, and displays.

• 14' x 25' stage, P/A system, upright piano • 3,500 sq. ft. of open area upstairs with a hardwood floor

• Downstairs has 3,500 sq. ft., linoleum floor, kitchen facilities

• Parking for 30 cars, close to Sapperton SkyTrain Station

• Less than 5 minutes from Pattullo Bridge or Hwy #1 exit

S A PPERTON P ENSIONERS ’ H A LL

318 Keary St, New Westminster • Call 604-522-0280 to book your space today July 2015

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21 7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. 9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 10. Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 12. Call Fire & Rescue to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap. 13. Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down. 14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. 15. Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters. GROOMING Q: What do you use to comb a cat? A: A catacomb. DON’T WORRY Worrying is stupid. It’s like walking around with an umbrella, waiting for it to rain.

DON’T BE A TOSSER!

This summer is going to be hot and dry and that is a bad combination for grassy areas, planters’ boxes, and bark mulch gardens, which are all bone dry, and an ignition source like a cigarette butt or a match. A study in Australia showed that a cigarette can burn up to 3 hours after been discarded. The controlled test study also found that 4% of all cigarettes discarded in a dry grassy environment resulted in a fire that required the fire department to extinguish. As a result of the study’s findings the Aussies created a campaign called “Don’t be a Tosser”. Throughout this beautiful summer New Westminster Fire & Rescue Services is asking you, “Don’t be a Tosser” and protect our parks and grasslands. BYLAW SNIPPET YOU SHOULD KNOW…

FIRE PROTECTION BYLAW 6940, 2004

Section 18. No person shall discard, throw down or drop any lighted match, cigar, cigarette or other burning substance or smoking material into combustible material or in close proximity thereto.

New Westminster Fire & Rescue Services Fire Prevention Office, 1 East 6th Avenue, New Westminster, BC V3L 4G6

www.newwestcity.ca

“To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.” ~ Reba McEntire


22

KID’S CORNER with

IsAIAH

Q: What did the painter say to the wall? A: One more crack like that and I’ll plaster you! Q: What kind of shorts do clouds wear? A: Thunderwear. Q: Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? A: In case they get a hole in one! Q: Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? A: He wanted to get to the bottom. Q: How do you repair a broken tomato? A: Tomato Paste! Q: Why did the baby strawberry cry? A: Because his parents were in a jam! Q: What did the hamburger name his daughter? A: Patty! Q: What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay? A: A deviled egg! July 2015

Q: What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving? A: A turkey! Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital? A: He felt crummy! Q: Why were the teacher’s eyes crossed? A: She couldn’t control her pupils! Q: What do you call a bear with no socks on? A: Bare-foot. Q: What can you serve but never eat? A: A volleyball. Q: What kind of shoes do all spies wear? A: Sneakers. Q: Did you hear about the two bed bugs who met in the mattress? A: They got married in the spring. Q: Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? A: Because they cantaloupe.

Q & A X5 By Janet Kvammen & Peter Julian Canada is celebrating a birthday this month, our True North strong and free is turning 148 years old! I thought it would be a wonderf ul time to chat with Peter Julian, MP for Burnaby — New Westminster. Born and raised in our beautiful Royal City, Peter shares some thoughts on being a proud Canadian, his beloved hometown hood and his experiences as a serving Member of Parliament for over 11 years… Q: How did your father’s own political activities influence you to become involved yourself? A: My family had often very interesting and thoughtful discussions around the dinner table and there is no doubt that that’s a major reason why I decided to follow my parents’ example and try to help people in public office. Q: Could you touch a little on your overall view of the world today and the direction in which you would like to see Canada go? A: I think that Canadians have profound progressive values and I think that the vast majority of Canadians don’t see those values reflected in the current federal government. When we see the ongoing scandals in the Senate, the misuse of public funds by this government and how mean spirited the government approach is on so many issues, I think that for so many people it’s really time for a change and time to get Ottawa working more with the fundamental values that most Canadians share. Q: What have you done in Ottawa to fulfill these goals and where do you feel that you have been the most successful in making positive change? A: What I am proudest of is having been able to help over 10,000 families in Burnaby and in New Westminster. My constituency staff has worked really hard to make sure that in cases where we can make a difference we’ve been able to intervene and help people out. Often the government machinery just doesn’t work for ordinary family. The biggest role that I can play is working hard to get those decisions made by the government, that so often go against working families, to be changed. My constituency office is a beehive of activity and I am very proud that we’ve been able to make a positive change and have   |   L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0


23 helped over 10,000 families that have come to my office seeking assistance. Q: As the Burnaby-New Westminster MP since 2004, what do you love most about your local community and how have you made changes for the better in individual people lives? A: I absolutely love how cohesive our community is in both Burnaby and New Westminster. People really care about the quality of life that we all enjoy. We’ve been able to make changes in Ottawa and that has helped numerous people. I look forward to the fall federal election which will be an opportunity for Canadians right across the country to choose a new federal government and there I think we can have an even greater and positive impact on the lives of people in Burnaby and New Westminster. Q: Canada Day is July 1. In five words, what makes you proud to be a Canadian? A: Openness as a society: Canadians should be proud that we have such diversity and such freedom in a country where everyone works together to better their lives as well as the lives of everyone in their community. Thank you. Peace!  ~  Janet Kvammen

subscription Form Name Address City Province Phone Email

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Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.


24 CHANCES OF SHOWERS Two guys from the DL went out for a walk, when suddenly it began to rain. “Quick,” said one. “Open your umbrella.” “It won’t help. My umbrella is full of holes.” “Then why did you bring it?” “I didn’t think it would rain!”

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IMPAIRED DRIVER’S TRIAL Lawyer: Constable, when you stopped the defendant, were the red and blue lights flashing on your police car? Constable: Yes. Lawyer: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her vehicle? Constable: Yes, sir. Lawyer: What did she say? Constable: What disco am I at? YOU MIGHT BE DRUNK IF… You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left hand side there is a valley and on your right hand side there is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you. In front of you there is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you there is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are travelling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Get off the merry-go-round — you’re drunk! KEEP TAKING THE MEDICINE Patient: It’s been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable. Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you? Patient: I sure did — the bottle said ‘keep tightly closed.’   |   L O C A L LY P U B L I S H E D S I N C E 2 0 0 0


25

Mistakes are painful when they happen, but years later a collection of mistakes called Experience leads us to success.


26

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CATS & CHICKS Q: What do you get when you cross a chick with an alley cat? A: A peeping tom. THE X-RAY Amy to X-ray technician after swallowing some money: "Do you see any change in me?" JIM & SHIRLY Jim made an appointment to see his doctor, because he is worried about his wife’s bad temper. Doctor Thomas asks: “What’s the problem?” Jim says, “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every day my wife Shirly

Novina Bella, Owner

seems to lose her temper for no reason. It’s beginning to scares me.” The Doctor says, “I have a cure for that. When it seems that Shirly is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until she either leaves the room or calms down.” Two weeks later Jim returns to the doctor looking fresh and happy. Jim says: “Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my wife started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and she calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?” Doctor Thomas says, “The water itself does nothing. It’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick.”

They arrived at the restaurant a short time later and were about to get out of the car when Maureen enquired, "John, have you seen my other shoe?"

PATIENT CARE An element of the admission procedure in the hospital where consultant Tim Westwood worked, was to ask the new patients if they suffered from any allergies. If they did, Tim got it printed on a special ‘allergy band’ which was then placed on the patient’s wrist as a reference for all other hospital employees. On one particular occasion Tim asked an elderly woman if she had any allergies. The old dear responded by saying that she was OPPS unable to eat bananas. One evening after work John Tim received a considerable drove his secretary home after she surprise later in the day when a was unable to start her car. Not very irate son came out of the ward wanting to bother his wife, Maureen, demanding, ‘Who’s responsible for he decided not to mention it to her. labelling my mother ‘bananas’?’ Later that night John and Maureen were driving out to eat when the THE BUDDHIST John spotted a high-heeled shoe Did you hear about the Buddhist hidden under the passenger seat. who refused a Novocain injection Pointing to something out the during root canal treatment? passenger window to distract his He wanted to transcend dental wife, he picked up the shoe and medication. tossed it out of his window.

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July 2015

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27

Front Street Parkade Rehabilitation & Deconstruction As part of the City of New Westminster’s vision to improve access to the waterfront, a portion of the Front Street Parkade will be removed and the remaining section rehabilitated. The project will begin with the rehabilitation of the eastern section of the parkade between Fourth and Sixth Streets. Work will include repairs to the concrete to extend the structure’s lifespan for an additional 30 years. The western section of the parkade between Sixth and Begbie Streets will then be removed. The project seeks to reconnect our community with the Fraser River through improved access to the waterfront, esplanade and Westminster Pier Park, and deliver enhancements to the area to create an overall improved pedestrian experience. For more information visit www.newwestcity.ca/waterfrontvision

Item

Target Completion Date

Stairway Repairs

Fall 2015

Concrete Deck Surface Repairs (B & C Decks)

October 2015

Guardrails and Screen Walls

October 2015

Relocation of Parkade Office

October 2015

Plumbing Work

October 2015

Electrical Work

December 2015

Demolition of West Parkade Structure

January 2016

Concrete Deck Surface Repairs (A Deck)

February 2016

Demolition of Pile Caps

February 2016

Front Street Closures

October 2015 - Spring 2016

(includes utility work & realignment of Front Street by separate contract)

Project Cost: $7.5 million Completion: Spring 2016

Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).


28 BREAKFAST • LUNCH • DINNER • DAILY SPECIALS

604-524-8118 Open 7 days a week!

636 Sixth Street Mon to Sat 7am – 8pm New Westminster Sun/Holidays 8am – 8pm

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Dan Murphy

OWNER / PERSONAL TRAINER m. 604-349-8042 e. danmurphyfitness@gmail.com w. www.danmurphyfitness.ca 2020 Haro Street Vancouver, BC V 6G 1J3

July 2015

THOSE OF US WHO REMEMBER HOLLYWOOD SQUARES These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course. Q: Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat? A: Paul Lynde: Loneliness! Q: If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be. A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it. Q: True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years… A: George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes. Q: You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A: Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake. Q: According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married? A: Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

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29 Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency. Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say ‘I Love You’? A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty. Q: What are ‘Do It,’ ‘I Can Help,’ and ‘I Can’t Get Enough’? A: George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment. Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget. Q: Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather? A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. Q: Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries. Q: In bowling, what’s a perfect score? A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.. One is politics, what is the other? A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures. Q: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A: Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom. Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out. Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark? Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark. Q: According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army. Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.

Sylvia Jordi, LPN, BBA

Foot Care Nurse

Honestly driven.

House Calls Care Homes Hospitals

604 341 4378 604-517-1230 oktirenw@shaw.ca

Email: Info@FootCareHomeCall.com Website: FootCareHomeCall.com

325A 12th Street New Westminster

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Kanata was a word used by the St. Lawrence Iroquois people in Quebec in the 16th century. It means village or settlement.

Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died.


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Mount Calvary Lutheran Church 701 - 6th St, New Westminster Divine Service & Sunday School: 11:00 am Sundays

Rev. James K. Kim

Tel: 604-521-2007

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301-12th St, New West

604-377-5889 July 2015

43 6th St,

New Westminster

Knox Presbyterian Church

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403 E Columbia St, New West

604.525.4566

renbooks@telus.net renaissancebookstore.com

604.524.6712

The Rev. Richard Watson, Minster

Regular Sunday Service at 11am

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31 DOCTORS’ OPINIONS A panel of doctors was asked for their opinions concerning a proposal to build a new wing to their hospital. This was what they said: • The Allergists voted to scratch it. • The Dermatologists preferred no rash moves. • The Psychiatrists thought it was madness. • The Radiologists could see right through it. • The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it. • The Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve. • The Obstetricians stated they were labouring under a misconception. • The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. • The Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body.” • The Pediatricians said, “Grow up!” • The Plastic Surgeon said, “This puts a whole new face on the matter.” • The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward. • The Urologists felt the scheme wouldn’t hold water. • The Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

• The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas. • The Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no. THINGS TO SAY THAT WILL MAKE YOU SEEM SMART TO SOME PEOPLE • I started out with nothing… I still have most of it. • Some days you’re the dog, some days the hydrant. • I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart. • Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded. • If all is not lost, where is it? • It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. • If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished. • The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging. • I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through. • It was all so different before everything changed. • Nostalgia isn’t what is used to be. • I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few. • It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.

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Piffle Magazine 2015-07  

“Mermaids, mermaids!” the children screamed. Mermaids are real. Read all about it in this month’s feature by and about Lori Pappajohn. Piffl...

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