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Photo by Gabor Gasztonyi

August 2013  |  Your community humour magazine  | Issue 155

Class of ’69 gets ready for Reunion at River’s Reach Pub

NEW PUZZLE!

Story on P18

Can you unscramble the code inside?

YOUR DIABETES RESOURCE CENTRE

WE ARE OPEN Mon to Thur 9am – 7pm Fri 9am – 6pm Sat 9am – 4pm Sun 9am – 3pm

981 Carnarvon St New Westminster

604-523-6767

KID’S CORNER with

ISAIAH

P13


Piffle Index Cover Story The Class of ’69���������������������������������������������������������� 18–19

Editorial

August 2013 HOLE IN THE FENCE “What on earth is that counting,” asked my friend Anthony as we passed the high security

Horoscopes by Liza����������������������������������������������������������� 27

mental health unit in rural London I could just

Imperial Pharmacy Community Page�������������������������������� 9

about hear it…

New Westminster Fire & Rescue Services����������������������� 17 Poet’s Corner with Candice James������������������������������������� 6 Sargent’s City Scene�������������������������������������������������� 22–26

Glenn Jones Funny Bones����������������������������������������������������������������������� 4 Meet the Jones’���������������������������������������������������������������� 18 The Visitor������������������������������������������������������������������������ 22

Piffle Fun! Chris Sargent Word Search������������������������������������������������ 7 Circle Quirk Maze������������������������������������������������������������� 10 CryptoCover��������������������������������������������������������������������� 11 Kid’s Corner with Isaiah��������������������������������������������������� 12

“17… 17… 17… 17… 17…” Tony was too curious to resist, he rushed at the fence and tried to jump and see over it but it was much too high so he found a small hole in the wooden panels and looked through it… He jumped back clutching his face in agony, “Some bastard’s poked me in the eye with a sharp stick!” “18… 18… 18… 18… 18…” came the sound from inside the walls…

Math Madness������������������������������������������������������������������ 15 Number Blocks����������������������������������������������������������������� 14 Piffle Quiz������������������������������������������������������������������������� 23

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PSYCHOLOGY 101 A man walks into a bookshop and says “I hope you don’t have a book on reverse psychology.”

BAAS Executive Offices���������������������������������������������������� 23 Betty McIntosh, Councillor������������������������������������������������ 5 Beverley Whitelaw, The Co-Operators���������������������������� 16 Burnaby Square Prescriptions������������������������������������������� 5 Chan’s Garden������������������������������������������������������������������ 29 Columbia-Bowell Funeral Chapel������������������������������������ 28 Columbia Theatre������������������������������������������������������������ 17 Dahong Pilipino Business Directory���������������������������������� 3 Dunwood Place���������������������������������������������������������������� 25 Filthy Phil������������������������������������������������������������������������� 24 Fin Donnelly, MP���������������������������������������������������������������� 4 Gabor Gasztonyi Photography����������������������������������������� 31 G.I. Gracey Notary Corp.�������������������������������������������������� 13 Healing Circle������������������������������������������������������������������� 13 Imperial Pharmacy��������������������������������������������������������� 1, 8 JesCuts Hair Salon������������������������������������������������������������ 25 Mac Seniors���������������������������������������������������������������������� 24 City of New Westminster������������������������������������������������� 32 New Westminster Frasers Baseball Club��������������������������� 5 OK Tire����������������������������������������������������������������������������� 28 One Source Productions�������������������������������������������������� 16 Patti’s Hair Salon�������������������������������������������������������������� 12 Peter Julian, MP����������������������������������������������������������������� 4 Renaissance Books & Coffee Bar�������������������������������������� 21 The River’s Reach Pub�������������������������������������������������������� 1 Sarah Johnson Landscaping��������������������������������������������� 21 Simple Hearing Solutions������������������������������������������������ 32 Uptown Furnishings��������������������������������������������������������� 28 Waffle House�������������������������������������������������������������� 12, 24 West End Medicine Centre������������������������������������������� 1, 28 Westminster Carwash Ltd.����������������������������������������������� 21 Zara’s Hair Design������������������������������������������������������������ 26

NUDE Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand. - Emo Phillips

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE DAUGHTERS HAVE LEARNED 1. No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats. 2. When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair. 3. If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 5. You can’t trust dogs to watch your food. 6. Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 8. You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.


August 2013

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9. Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

THE STUDIES HELP A university student delivers a pizza to an

10. The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandpa’s lap.

old man’s house. “I suppose you want a tip,” says the old man. “That would be great,” says the student,

AGAZIE FARMER An Agazie farmer’s dog goes missing and he is inconsolable. His wife says to him, “why don’t you put an ad in the paper to get him back”. The farmer does this, but after two weeks,

“but the other guy who does deliveries told me not to expect too much… he said if I got 50 cents, I’d be lucky.” The old man looks hurt. “Well, to prove him wrong, here’s $5. What are you studying?” “Applied psychology,” replies the student.

no phone calls, the dog is still missing. “What did you write in the paper,” she asked. “Here boy,” said the farmer.

FOR TRAINING Before I got through to SeaWorld, I had to say “Jump through the hoop! Do a flip!”

NATIVE MUSIC So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he

They said my call may be recorded for training porpoises.

was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought… that’s ABBAoriginal music.

HE WILL I went into a shop and I said, “Can someone

BUYING A WATCH So I went to buy a watch, and the man in

sell me a kettle.” The bloke said “Kenwood” I said, “Where is he?”

the shop said “Analogue.” I said “No, just a

YUK-YUK

watch.”

Two cannibals are eating a slow roasted

DAWNING OF THE AGE OF AQUARIUM

comedian and one says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?” I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”

WHERE ARE THEY? I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

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4

August 2013

Fin Donnelly, MP

New Westminster – Coquitlam & Port Moody Serving Our Community

Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Fin Donnelly’s Community office for assistance. Fin Donnelly’s Community Office: 1116 Austin Avenue, Coquitlam, BC, V3K 3P5

Phone: 604-664-9229 l Email: fin.donnelly@parl.gc.ca l www.FinDonnelly.ca

Funny Bones by Jones Locally Owned & Published! Fourth floor, 604 Columbia St New Westminster, BC V3M 1A5

Chris Sargent 604-525-9027 Owner & Publisher, Sales Email: publisher@piffle.ca

Sales

Verne Siebert 604-763-6304

Randy Chaster 604-351-2529

Email: sales@piffle.ca Graphic Design: Cliff Blank Email: production@piffle.ca Photography: Gabor Gasztonyi

Glenn Jones would like to hear from his fans. E-mail him at funnybones.by.jones@gmail.com.

piffle.ca

Peter Julian, MP Burnaby – New Westminster Serving Our Community

Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Peter Julian’s Community office for assistance. Peter Julian’s Community Office: 7615 Sixth Street, Burnaby, BC V3N 3M6

Phone: 604-775-5707 l Email: peter.julian.c1@parl.gc.ca l www.PeterJulian.ca

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland


August 2013

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THE TANK There’s two fish in a tank, and one says to the other “How do you drive this thing?”

Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teenager Is In Trouble 10. Sometimes stays in bed until after 5 a.m. 9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets. 8. Shows up at barn raisings in full “KISS” makeup. 7. When you criticize him, he yells, “Thou sucketh.” 6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by “Jeb Daddy.” 5. Defiantly says, “If I had a radio, I’d listen to rap.” 4. You come upon his secret stash of colored socks. 3. Uses slang expression, “Talk to the hand, ‘cause the beard ain’t listening.” 2. Was recently pulled over for driving under

newwestminsterfrasers.blogspot.com

the influence of cottage cheese. 1. He’s wearing his big black hat backwards.

HERE’S LOOKING AT YOU A man left for work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages. When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife. After two hours, she stopped nagging and said: ‘How would you like it if you didn’t see

Now available for sale at Renaissance Books and the New Westminster Museum Enjoy summer activities in New Westminster!

me for two or three days?’ He replied: ‘That would be fine with me.’ Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Follow me on Twitter!

@BettyM13

Email: bmcintosh@newwestcity.ca 778-773-0546 | bettymcintosh.ca

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6 PIFFLE ZEN

POET’S CORNER with Poet La ureate New Westminster

CANDICE JAMES

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just leave me the heck alone. 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins

Whispers of Words Janet Kvammen ©2013

with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. 3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

A warm evening breeze flows through Queen’s Park where young and old gather to hear soft echoes of poetry Whispers of words spoken to the trees under blue canopy of sky The literary arts, alive and strong, spread across the uniVERSE that is the Royal City — The Hub of connectivity from Pablo Neruda night to Visual Verse Made in New Westminster; The city where poetry lives.

4. Don’t be irreplaceable; if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted. 5. No one is listening until you make a mistake. 6. Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else. 7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. 9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help. 10. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. 12. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Janet Kvammen invites you to “Poetry in the Park”, Wed eves 6:30-8:30 at the Queen’s Park bandshell through Aug.28. Janet is a Director of the Royal City Literary Arts Society and active in the New West poetry scene. As a published poet, photographer, artist, book cover designer and member of New West Artists, she thrives on creativity. She is looking forward to the upcoming Silver Bow Publishing book, Royal City Poets Anthology 2013 showcasing some of the city’s amazing talent. Please visit her Facebook page called PlanetJanet Creations.

New West Poets: please submit your “New West” poems for this column to candicejames@shaw.ca or call 778-322-1131 for info.

13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day. 14. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. 15. Don’t squat with your spurs on. 16. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything. 17. If you drink, don’t park; accidents cause people.

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland


August 2013

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18. Some days you are the bug, some days

27. Experience is something you don’t get

you are the windshield.

until just after you need it.

19. Don’t worry, it only seems kinky the first

28. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

time.

BOTTOMS UP

20. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, there’s a piece of lettuce sticking out of my

21. The quickest way to double your money

bottom.”

is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.

22. Timing has an awful lot to do with the

The man asks, “Is it serious, doctor?”

outcome of a rain dance.

The doctor replies, “I’m sorry to tell you, but

23. A closed mouth gathers no feet.

this is just the tip of the iceberg.”

24. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light

MY THERAPIST

side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.”

25. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

THE ZOO’S GONE TO THE DOGS

26. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning

I went to the zoo the other day, there was

much when your mouth is moving.

only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.

Q S B D L J B I A E R M N I S

P F R D A A U L L D E E M A M

N R A E R Y G B L W M G T H H

E V E R E Y F U M N V N T O G

E I E M A N K P R V N I C L J

X T N D I C O E M V A R V I O

T O N R L E V I M M P A N D A

H O G B E O R I P D J L I A L

M F X D G E N D P I P C C Y B

A I R O T C I V L J V E Z X X

L E G I S L A T I V E D T G E

T S R I F A D X B X D B R L V

J F L F C A V B B A B B A P M

T U Y U A O C Z C Q Z J J O C

A G NT

T A U G U S T C H V Z T K T L

CHRIS

AUGUST BARRETT WORD DAVE DAY DECLARING SEARCH ERNIE FIRST GOVERNMENT HALL HOLIDAY LEGISLATIVE MONDAY NDP PIONEERS PREMIER PUBLIC VICTORIA

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August 2013

Serving New Westminster since 2003. We thank all of you for your continued support of the last nine years!

YOUR DIABETES RESOURCE CENTRE

✔ FREE In-Store Blood Pressure Monitoring ✔ FREE Blister Packing

Most Extended Health Plans accepted. Easy transfer of prescriptions. NO WE CARE ABOUT YOUR HEALTH TOBACCO WE CARE ABOUT YOUR KIDS HEALTH WE ARE PROUD TO NOT SELL TOBACCO

More Space + More Products + More Services HOURS: MON TO FRI 9AM – 6PM SAT 9AM – 4PM • SUN 9AM – 3PM

981 Carnarvon St, New Westminster

604.523.6767 Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland

Visit us ONLINE at ImperialPharmacy.ca


August 2013

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OUTDOOR MOVIES

Movies will begin at dusk (approx 8:30pm) Queen’s Park Stadium, New Westminster The City of New Westminster has partnered with Derrick Thornhill from Park Georgia Realty and the G and F Financial Group to offer eight outdoor movies this summer! Bring your friends and family and join us Fridays during the summer. Call the Parks Info Line on rainy days at 604-515-3801. August 2 Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark August 9 Field of Dreams August 16 UP August 23 Grease (Sing-A-Long!) August 30 Wizard of Oz

MUSIC AND MOVEMENT (ALL AGES)

August 3, 10, 17, 11:00am – 12:00pm Westminster Pier Park, 604-777-5100 Drop-in Fee: Free The City has partnered with The Stage New Westminster to offer free music and movement lesson with your children. We will sing, dance, stretch, act out stories, enjoy music and fi tness games and play instruments! Rainy day option at the River Market.

UNCOVER YOUR CREEKS August 11, 10:00am – 12:00pm Lower Hume Park Picnic Shelter

N ew Wes tmins ter P ar k s, Cul tur e and Recreation and Evergreen have partnered to offer a two-year Parks Stewardship Program: Uncover Your Creeks: Citizen Science in Lower Hume Park where you will: • Learn about local ecology • Help manage invasive plants • Plant native plants • Monitor water quality in the Brunette River Please register for this ALL AGES FREE event by contacting Sharon Johal at sjohal@evergreen.ca or 604-689-0766 ext. 226.

14TH ANNUAL DOGGY FUN DAY HOSTED BY VEATA August 25, 12:00pm – 3:00pm Queen’s Park, South Field

• Fun and games for dogs and their people! • Doggy displays and prize draws • Doggy games — egg and spoon race, 3-legged race, howl-a-long, special doggy tricks, doggy look-a-like contest and the famous (4 paws up!) bobbing for wieners contest • Vendor and animal rescue booths • Lots and lots of great doggy prizes! For further information, contact doggyfunday.nw@gmail.com Doggy Fun Day is a fundraiser for VEATA (Volunteer Education and Assistance Team for Animals) a New Westminster-based registered charity that assists both individuals and other animal rescue groups across Metro Vancouver, and other regions when possible. Our mandate is to educate the public on the humane treatment of animals, responsible pet ownership, disaster preparedness, and other related topics; to assist needy pet owners in caring for their pets by providing spay/neuter programs and necessary care; to provide temporary care and shelter for animals in event of emergency or disaster and to provide short term foster care for animals of people in crisis or transition.

The 2013 Walking Tour Series is hosted by experienced tour leaders Archie and Dale Miller from A Sense of History. Tours costs $10 per person (cash only), and there’s no need to pre-register. Email information@senseofhistory.com, call 604-526-6113, or fax 604-522-5466.

GLENBROOKE NORTH RESIDENTS ASSOCIATION PICNIC Saturday, August 10, 11:00am – 2:00pm

114 Sinclair Ave between First and Second Streets. There is a small playground for children to play and a grassed area available to sit and visit with your neighbours. We will have information available on the Residents Association and how to start a neighbourhood Block Watch for your street. Bring a picnic lunch, play some games, enter our contest and meet other Glenbrooke North residents.

GLENBROOKE NORTH RESIDENTS ASSOCIATION MEETING Thursday, September 12, 7:00pm – 9:00pm, Plaskett Room, upstairs in the New Westminster Library 716 Sixth Avenue, New Westminster

Contact VEATA at veatasociety@gmail.com

CULTURAL CRAWL

August 10 – 11, 11:00am – 5:00pm Various locations around New Westminster Open studios and local artists featuring their work and presenting live paint-ins at your favorite arts, culture and heritage destinations around the city. Email: info@bcculturalcrawl.com Phone: 604-521-6288 Toll-Free: 1-888-981-9886 Web: www.newwestculturalcrawl.com

WALKING TOUR

Sunday, August 11, 3:00pm Meet the tour guide at the corner of Columbia Street at 4th Street

MONDAY TO FRIDAY 9AM – 6PM | SUNDAY 9AM – 3PM

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August 2013

THE UGLIEST

THE BIG BEETLE

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The

I answered the door to a six-foot beetle.

bus driver says: Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby

He punched me in the face and told me to

I’ve ever seen!

sod off. Apparently there’s a nasty bug going

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and

round.

sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: The driver just insulted me! The man says: You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.

WHERE’S IT COMING FROM? A man walks into his living room and a hotdog flies past his head. A little later his wife opens the bathroom cabinet and is hit in

HE LIKES IT

the face with a spaghetti bolognese.

I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

Their son walks into the kitchen and just avoids a chicken curry. The family don’t know where their next meal is coming from.

THE PUN CONTEST There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

PHONE DIRECTORY ENQUIRIES FROM JOLLY OLDE ENGLAND The following are real conversations Directory Enquiries operators had with callers, as revealed in interviews with staff at the Cardiff DE Centre. Caller: I’d like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please. Operator: I’m sorry, there’s no listing. Is the spelling correct? Caller: Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the B fell off. Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven. Operator: Woven? Are you sure? Caller: Yes. That’s what it says on the label… Woven in Scotland. Caller: I’d like the RSPCA please. Operator: Where are you calling from? Caller: The living room. Caller: The water board please. Operator: Which department?

Another fine “time distraction” brought to you by your local Piffle Magazine.

Caller: Tap water.

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August 2013

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Operator: How are you spelling that?

4. For every action, there is an equal and

Caller: With letters.

opposite criticism. 5. S/he who hesitates is probably right.

Caller: The water board please.

6. Never do card tricks for the group you

Operator: Which department?

play poker with.

Caller: Tap water.

7. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Caller: I’d like the number for a reverend in

8. Success always occurs in private… failure

Cardiff, please.

in full view.

Operator: Do you have his name?

9. The colder the x-ray table, the more of

Caller: No, but he has a dog named Ben.

your body is required on it. 10. The hardness of the butter is proportional

Caller: The Union of Shopkeepers and

to the softness of the bread.

Alligators please.

11. The severity of the itch is inversely

Operator: You mean the Amalgamated Union

proportional to the reach.

of Shopkeepers?

12. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal from many is research.

On another occasion, a man making heavy

13. To succeed in politics, it is often

breathing sounds from a phone box told the

necessary to rise above your principles.

worried operator: “I haven’t got a pen so I’m

14. Two wrongs are only the beginning.

steaming up the window to write the number on.

15. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

WORDS TO LIVE BY

16. The problem with the gene pool is that

1. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all

there are no lifeguards.

evidence that you tried.

17. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of

2. A conclusion is the place where you got

your life.

tired of thinking.

18. The sooner you fall behind, the more time

3. Experience is something you don’t get

you will have to catch up.

until just after you need it.

19. The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlights of an approaching train.

Can you unscramble the Piffle CryptoCover? HINT: A clue can be found in the cover story. Find the solution in the next issue of Piffle Magazine. A B C D E 6

F G H

11

2

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25 11

7

13

K

L M N O P Q R S

2

4

T U V W X

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21 10 11

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24 24

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16 19

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24 24

__ O __ I __ __ 16

7

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13

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17

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16 21

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5

11 25


12

August 2013

KID’S CORNER with

ISAIAH

SIGNS YOU’VE BEEN IN LEEDS TOO LONG 1. You are unaware of any other club culture except Leeds. 2. You get secretly excited when people say Leeds is the new big thing. 3. You fool yourself into thinking you can afford to shop at Harvey Nicks by going to the restaurant and ordering a water… and taking five hours to drink it. 4. Ladies: you dress like a tart out of Ibiza Uncovered for a night out. 5. Gents: you act like a wanker from Ibiza Uncovered for a night out. 6. You’ll go into a designer shop at the start of the new season and ask how much

Q: What’s every cat’s favorite song? A: Three Blind Mice! Q: Why did the computer squeak? A: Because someone stepped on it’s mouse! Q: What do you get when you cross a computer and a life guard? A: A screensaver! Q: Where do all the cool mice live? A: In their mousepads Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with an elephant? A: Lots of memory! Q: What do cats eat for breakfast? A: Mice Crispies Q: Why do cats like to hear other cats make noise? A: It’s meow-sic to their ears! Q: Why do cats eat fur balls? A: Because they love a good gag!

Q: What do you call a cat when he fi rst wakes up with the alarm clock? A: Catsup! Q: Why does everyone love cats? A: They’re purr-fect! Q: What do you call a cat who eats lemons? A: A sourpuss!

something will be in the end of season sale. 7. You go around Harvey Nicks to see what’s in fashion, then run over to TopShop and buy something similar… and then lie about where you got it from. EVERYONE WELCOME!

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13 8. You see Leeds United players beating

The second man takes his turn and is asked

someone up/shagging a blonde in Majestyk

the same question. The applicant replies, “Uh,

and don’t think anything of it.

you’ve got no ears.”

9. You think Londoners are ponces and that

The interviewer throws the guy out, cursing

London is ‘crap’, but you’ve never been as

and yelling that he’ll never get a job with his

you can’t afford the fare, and mum won’t

company.

let you borrow the mini.

As the second guy is leaving, the second

10. You hate students even though you are one.

guy warns the third guy, “Listen man,

11. Leeds is the centre of your universe… you

whatever you do, don’t say he hasn’t got any

can’t ever imagine leaving. Until you leave, then you can’t ever imagine going back.

ears. He’s so touchy with the ear thing.” “Okay,” said man #3 on his way into the office.

OBSERVATION SKILLS Three guys go in for a job interview, all at the same office. The first one goes in for his interview and the interviewer says, “What’s the first thing you see when you look at me?” The guy says, “That’s not too hard, you’ve got no ears.”

Once inside he is told, “Name the first thing you notice when you look at me.” The guy answers, “That’s easy, you wear contacts.” The interviewer was flabbergasted, “How on earth did you know that, son?” The applicant answered, “What? Are you

The interviewer says, “That’s it, get out, you’ll never be seen around here again.”

stupid? You can’t wear glasses, you’ve got no ears!”

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14

August 2013

SIGNS YOU’VE BEEN IN LONDON TOO LONG

SIGNS YOU’VE BEEN IN MANCHESTER TOO LONG

1. You say ‘mate’ constantly/

1. You go mad when somebody who is

2. You think it is perfectly normal to pay over £3 for a pint.

not from Manchester says ‘mad fer it’. “Nobody says that EVER!” you scream.

3. Anyone not from London is a ‘wanker’ 4. Anyone from outside London and north of the Watford Gap is a ‘Northern Wanker’

2. You say ‘mad fer it’ when back in Manchester. 3. You think fisherman’s hats are attractive.

5. You have no idea where the North is.

4. You support Man City out of principle.

6. You see All Saints in the Met Bar (again)

5. You see Coronation Street stars all the

and find it hard to get excited about it. 7. The countryside makes you nervous. 8. Somebody speaks to you on the tube and you freak out thinking they are a stalker. 9. American tourists no longer annoy you. 10. You talk in postcodes. “God, it was really warm round SW1 the other day” 11. You can’t remember the last time you got up to 30 mph in your car in the city. 12. You didn’t realise that ‘Paddington Green’ is REAL.

time and think nothing of it. 6. You think Londoners are ‘soft southern wankers’ until they kick your head in at a footie match. 7. You get a freckle and consider yourself ‘suntanned’. 8. You deny that it rains all the time as you struggle home with the shopping in yet another torrential downpour. 9. People start yawning when you talk about how great Manchester is. 10. Zzzzzzz.

Piffle’s NUMBER BLOCKS

SIGNS YOU’VE BEEN IN LIVERPOOL TOO LONG 1. You have an urge to steal. 2. You think Brookside is a ‘glamorous’ soap. 3. You think Hollyoaks is ‘posh’. 4. You keep going on about how great Liverpool and Scousers are. 5. You often wonder why so many Scousers leave Liverpool and never come back. 6. To you, organised crime is putting petrol in the getaway car. 7. You start to cry when you hear ‘Ferry cross the Mersey’. 8. You think that Albert Dock is ‘for the tourists’. What tourists? 9. You think anyone from Liverpool has a

Try to fill in the missing numbers. The missing numbers are integers between 0 and 9. The numbers in each row add up to totals to the right. The numbers in each column add up to the totals along the bottom. The diagonal lines also add up the totals to the right. Find solution in the next Piffle!

great sense of humour. 10. You often wonder why you don’t hear of many Scouse comedians any more.

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland


15 SIGNS YOU’VE BEEN IN DUBLIN TOO LONG

SIGNS YOU’VE BEEN IN GLASGOW TOO LONG

1. You say “I’m Grand” all the time.

1. You say ‘pish’ all the time.

2. You drink Guinness as if it is a sixth food

2. You say ‘aye’ all the time.

group.

3. You end sentences with ‘like’ i.e. ‘I’m no

3. You disagreed with 2. Guinness is the FIRST food group. 4. You’re pale and white… yet compared to others your suntan looks good. 5. You say “Are you Grand ?” all the time.

goin’ there, like, it’s pish’ 4. You think McEwans beer is great, ignoring the fact it ‘tastes of pish, like’ 4. You get an urge to punch everybody you meet.

5. You say “Isn’t it grand” all the time.

5. You punch everybody you meet.

6. You say “That’d be grand” all the time.

6. You get drunk before, after and during

7. You can pronounce names like Eoghan, Niamh and Siobhan. 8. You take 4 hours to get home on a Saturday night and think nothing of it. 9. You don’t eat anything cold, uncooked or not resembling meat, bread or potatoes. 10. You say “It’s grand that your man asked if I’m grand” all the time. 11. You find yourself still living with family

punching everybody you meet. 7. You are incomprehensible. 8. People seem to be scared of you when you say where you are from. 9. You automatically get the urge to kill on hearing the words ‘Edinburgh’ or ‘England’. 10. You have heart disease aged 26 due to all deep-fried pizzas you have consumed since birth.

and having dinners cooked for you by someone’s mammy… at 30. 12. You talk about ‘dinners’ and ‘mammys’holler “Bad touch!”

Piffle’s MATH MADNESS

The Sleeping Carriage A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, “I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.” The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, “I’ve got a better idea… let’s pretend we’re married.” “Why not,” giggles the woman. “Good,” he replies. “Get your own blanket.”

Try to fill in the missing numbers. Use the numbers 1 through 9 to complete the equations. Each number is only used once. Each row is a math equation. Each column is a math equation. Remember that multiplication and division are performed before addition and subtraction. Find solution in the next Piffle!

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16

Get Noticed !

THE ECONOMICS OF AGING This guy is walking with his friend. He says to this friend, “I’m a walking economy.” The friend replies “How so?” “My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!”

A Sick Dog A couple buys this cute little dog. They take him home and two days later the dog becomes very lazy. It won’t eat, doesn’t bark, heck it doesn’t even move at all. So the couple decides to take the dog to the Vet. The Vet looks at the dog and then lays it on the floor. He then brings a cat into the room and sets it beside the dog. The cat crawls all over the dog for several minutes and then runs around the dog four times before

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17 the Vet picks up the cat and puts him back in his cage. The Vet then turns to the couple and says, “I’m sorry to tell you this, but your dog is dead… That’ll be $225.00.” “$225.00?” screamed the outraged man. “You expect me to pay you that much just to tell me my dog is dead?” The Vet replied, “It’s only $25.00 for the office visit and $200.00 for the Cat Scan.”

FOUR FONTS Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says “Oi… get out! We don’t want your type in here!”

BARCODE I was in a shopping mall and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, “Are you two an item?”

SAFETY TIPS FOR THE HOME Kitchen

• Avoid loose long sleeves when cooking. • Use appliances that have an automatic shut-off. • Keep a timer handy to remind you when the oven and burners should be switched off • If you take medication that causes drowsiness, do not use cooking appliances. • Use a temperature-controlled electric skillet or deep-fryer for frying. • Use appropriate cooking appliances and keep them clean. • Keep a pot cover nearby to “put a lid on it” in the event of a fire.

Living Room

• Fireplace: always use a fire screen, ensuring it is the appropriate size for the fireplace opening. • Do not overload electrical outlets or use extension cords in the place of additional outlets. • Smokers should check furniture for fallen cigarettes or embers, which can smoulder undetected for several hours before bursting into flames. • Ensure careful use of smoking materials and extinguish in water before disposal. • Keep matches, lighters and lit candles out of the reach of children. • Never leave lit candles unattended.

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• Install at least one smoke alarm outside each sleeping area. For improved safety, install a smoke alarm in every bedroom. • Check electrical appliances regularly: electric blankets, heating pads, curling irons, radios, televisions, irons. • Bedrooms should be non-smoking areas. • Remove all combustible and flammable materials from the basement and attic. • Have a thorough yearly maintenance check of the furnace carried out by a professional. • When replacing an old furnace, consult a professional to determine the most safe, economical and efficient system for your home. • Chimneys should be cleaned at least once a year.

Garage and Workshop

• Flammable materials — thinners, gasoline, paints, and industrial cleaners — should be stored neatly in approved containers and away from possible ignitable sources. • Do not smoke, or leave matches or lighters in the garage or workshop. • Install and know how to properly use the appropriate fire extinguisher for the garage/workshop. • Keep the area clean. Remove garbage, paper products, oily rags and wood shavings regularly.

Your New Westminster Fire and Rescue Services cares about you and your safety! If you require further information, please visit our website at: www.newwestcity.ca or call the Fire Prevention Division at 604-519-1004.

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Cov er Story

August 2013

The Class of ’69 by Gabor Gasztonyi

T

here were four hundred and thirty graduating students at New West Secondary School in 1969. That was quite a large number out of a total enrollment of over three thousand in those days. According to Laverne Green one of the organizers of the third annual grad reunion get together, slated for Saturday, October 19th, 2013 at 2:00 pm at the River’s Reach Pub, there were over eight hundred students enrolled in grade eight, the year she began high school at New West Secondary. Today the school has an enrollment of just under twenty two hundred, quite a bit smaller than the large number that attended in 1969. I am not sure what the top popular song is today, as I do not keep up with that sort of stuff, but in 1969, the number one song that year was Aquarius, sung by that timeless group The 5th Dimension. Very few of us would not recognize that tune and I would give anything just for a penny or two, every time it has been played during the last forty four years. Piffle Magazine publisher Chris Sargent would be looking mighty quickly for another photographer if I could get my hands on that stash. And beside the 5th Dimension, the recording art-

ist of the year for 1969 was Credence Clearwater Rival, and the talented singer in that the band was a young kid named, John Fogarty. I swear there is a whole bunch of young artists these days who would love to create a sound and a style reminiscent of that great band. I think even John has been trying to make a comeback, hoping to revive that lovely sound. Oh and, by the way, gasoline was 35 cents a gallon in 1969. That was the price at the Esso station at 6th avenue and 8th street, run by Barry Balance, in the days when there was full service at the pump and people checked your tire pressure. In one way or another I suppose you could call the class of ’69 Aquarians because it was the leading tune that year. That is quite a fitting description as it signaled a new age of idealism and hope. Many of the graduates went on to successful careers including Mickey MacMurchy, the owner of a building supply firm as well as Ken Blake, a business executive. Both Mickey and Ken were avid wrestlers on the New West Secondary wrestling squad. According to Mickey, he used to beat up on our publisher Chris Sargent quite a bit, even though he was quite a bit smaller than Chris. Well,

MEET THE JONES’ By Glenn Jones

#26-8720 Forest Grove Drive, Burnaby BC V5A 4C9  |  604-433-3986  |  E-mail: glenn-jones@shaw.ca

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland


August 2013

little men can pack a punch alright and Mickey has always been able to do that. Ken and Mickey have pleasant memories of their wrestling careers at New West Secondary as well as of their coach Barry Callaghan. Laverne Green who grew up in the West End of New Westminster was active in the track club at New West Secondary and has fond memories of her track coach Wendy Gerome, the wife of BC track legend Harry Gerome. In fact, Harry was the track coach at Templeton High School in Vancouver and Laverne said that when the New West track team competed in provincial high school meets, Wendy always insisted that they beat out Templeton. It is fair to say there was a clear family rivalry in that scenario. It is fascinating too that although Harry coached track and field, he also competed in meets throughout the province and would find himself running against some of his own students. There were some notable legends in that era as Harry was one our greatest track and field athletes. It was delightful to meet Laverne, Mickey and Ken at the Royal Towers pub for this photograph and interview, and they are excited about the casual drop in session planned for October 19th at the River’s Reach Pub. Although this is only the third annual reunion, Laverne mentioned that each year there are more and more grads attending. She said, “Everyone seems to enjoy themselves with lots of smiles and laughter. We bring the old year books from our good old days and pictures from past get-togethers, and we just have a great time.” So if you are a grad from ’69, do not forget to drop in at the Rivers Reach Pub on October 19th at 2:00 pm for a beer and pleasant chat with old friends. I am sure Chris Sargent and Mickey MacMurchy will be there. I just hope they do not have a little wrestling match later in the afternoon as it could get messy for one of them, probably Chris. All the best to the class of ’69 from all of us at Piffle Magazine. end

The 6 Foot Cockroach… A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off. The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away. The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life. The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach’s attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing. The doctor thought for a moment and said, “Yes, there’s a nasty bug going around.

How about some shorties? A circle is a round straight line with a hole in the middle. Mathematics is made of 50 percent formulas, 50 percent proofs, and 50 percent imagination. In Alaska, where it gets very cold, pi is only 3.00. As you know, everything shrinks in the cold. They call it Eskimo pi. A tragedy of mathematics is a beautiful conjecture ruined by an ugly fact.


20

August 2013

Advertise in your community humour magazine! Catch them while they’re laughing! The concept is simple. We put people in a good mood with jokes, cartoons, and positive news. We think that when people are feeling happy, they are more receptive to an advertiser’s message. Piffl   e has been around  for 12 years promoting area businesses with this approach. We print and distribute 8,000 copies in New Westminster, Burnaby Edmonds, Maillardville and Queensborough.

Are you looking for a little extra exposure? have your business highlighted on the cover with an inside editorial complete with a professional photo shoot! Contact Piffle today for details.

Verne Siebert, Sales

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piffle.ca


August 2013

21

Derby Horse A jogger running down a country road is

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don’t you run up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me. I’ll make you some money ‘cuz I can still run.” The jogger thought to himself,”boy a talking horse” Dollar signs started appearing in his head. So he runs to the house and the old farmer

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anything that horse says. He’s never even been to Kentucky.”

SNOW KIDDING The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said “Did you get my drift?”

THE WALKING SANDWICH A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says. “Sorry we don’t serve food in here.”

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22

August 2013

Sargent’s City Scene

Wait for Me, Daddy  |  Claude Detloff

Artists Announced for “Wait For Me, Daddy” War Memorial Public Artwork The City of New Westminster is pleased to announce the selection of the artist team who have been commissioned to create the “Wait For Me, Daddy” war memorial public artwork in downtown New Westminster.

Veronica and Edwin Dam de Nogales are internationally renowned artists who have been creating public sculpture exclusively together for the last 16 years. They have produced 28 public sculptures commissioned in Canada, the US and Europe including the prestigious Canadian Voice of the Land monument in Queen’s Park, Toronto. The “Wait For Me, Daddy” project was inspired by the historic and iconic photograph taken by Claude Detloff on October 1, 1940 in New Westminster at Columbia and 8th Streets. The image of a child breaking free of his mother’s hold to reach out to his father marching off to war became one of the enduring images of WWII. The photograph was featured in Life magazine among

other notable publications, and is the second-most requested photograph in the National Archives. In 2011, a Mayor’s Task Force was established to develop a public art piece to commemorate this historic photograph. “The ‘Wait For Me, Daddy’ photograph holds not only tremendous historical significance to New Westminster, but also to the rest of Canada, as it depicts the emotional connection between father and son and the struggle that ensues when leaving to do one’s duty in the armed forces,” said Mayor Wayne Wright. “We are extremely proud that this important photograph will be immortalized in our city.” In July 2012, a call for artists was issued seeking submissions for the creation of three bronze life-sized sculptures depicting the “Wait For Me, Daddy” photograph which will be installed

THE VISITOR By Glenn Jones

#26-8720 Forest Grove Drive, Burnaby BC V5A 4C9  |  604-433-3986  |  E-mail: glenn-jones@shaw.ca

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland


August 2013

23

in situ, on or near the place where the photo was taken. Fifteen submissions were received and, in early 2013, five artists were short-listed by a public art jury of six community members. “Edwin and Veronica Dam de Nogales’ proposal really stood out because of its innovative design and its use of elements mirrored in the new Anvil Centre and Westminster Pier Park,” said Councillor Lorrie Williams. “We are delighted to be partnering with this world-renowned artist team on what will surely become an iconic landmark for the City of New Westminster.” “We were not only intrigued with the subject matter, and the powerful image captured in photographic form by Detloff, but also with the particular space,” said Veronica and Edwin Dam de Nogales, “Hyack Square seems to be a crossroads of sorts. It stands with one foot in the past and one foot lunging into the future. This presents itself as an opportunity to create a powerful work which not only allows people to look back and remember, but also to look forward with hope.” The artwork installation, which will be unveiled to the public in October 2014 in Hyack Square, is expected to stimulate dialogue and draw positive attention from visitors, residents and media. In addition to the public art piece, Canada Post will also issue a “Wait For Me, Daddy” commemorative stamp in 2014, a National Historic Site designation will be sought, and a celebration parade is being considered in 2015 to commemorate the end of WWII. continued on page 24

It was first introduced in 1974 as Bill 61 by the Hon. Ernie Hall, the Provincial Secretary under Premier Dave Barrett. The explanatory notes prefacing the bill states: “The purposes of this Bill is to recognize the pioneers of British Columbia by declaring the first Monday of August in each year to be a public holiday. What is the holiday known as?

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24

August 2013

City of New Westminster launches innovative energy efficiency retrofit program for homes Are you looking for ways to reduce your energy bills and increase the comfort of your home? The City of New Westminster, in partnership with BC Hydro and FortisBC, is launching the Energy Save New West program this month. The program is designed to improve the energy efficiency of lowrise residential homes in New Westminster and make it easier for homeowners to access incentives available through LiveSmart BC, as well as specific heating, lighting and appliance rebates provided by FortisBC and BC Hydro. “Energy Save New West is a key step in achieving the energy conservation and greenhouse gas reduction goals in the City’s Community Energy & Emissions Plan,” said Mayor Wright. “Our goal is to have 200 homeowners registered in the program at the end of 12 months, with 100 homes having completed the initial energy assessment and pro-

ceeding with energy upgrades and improvements to their homes.” It all begins with an initial energy assessment of your home. Energy Save has simplified the process to complete the energy audit by providing a Certified Energy Advisor (City Green Solutions) to all registered homeowners. The Energy Advisor will schedule a convenient time to conduct the assessment according to provincial and federal (ecoENERGY) guidelines. “Energy Save New West covers the cost of a detailed energy assessment conducted by a Certified Energy Advisor, which would normally be paid for by the homeowner,” said Norm Connolly, the City’s Community Energy Manager. “The program is designed to make it easy for homeowners to get a comprehensive energy picture of their home, as well as cost-effective strategies to improve energy efficiency.” Local homeowner Nicole Pryor is happy to see this initiative underway in New Westminster. When she BREAKFAST • LUNCH • DINNER • DAILY SPECIALS

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purchased her 1930 Craftsman-style bungalow in 2011, the previous owner had already made some energy improvements like a hot water on-demand system, external heat pump, and energy efficient windows. “I would like to know more about my home from an energy perspective, and I like the idea of having an energy assessment done so that I have a complete plan for my home, and can see what improvements could be made and what the cost savings would be over time,” said Nicole. “It’s the right thing to do from an environmental perspective, and I would like to teach my son these things as we improve our home.” One hundred free home energy assessments are available to local residents on a first-come, first-served basis. These discounts (valued at $300 per home) are being provided by the City of New Westminster, program sponsors and City Green Solutions for a limited period of time. To sign up for the program and take advantage of the free energy assessment offer, you can reg-

ister online at: EnergySaveNewWest.ca or call 604-527-4572.

The Child Care Needs Assessment and Strategy Awarded The City of New Westminster is the recipient of the Planning Institute of British Columbia (PIBC) 2013 Award for Excellence in Planning Practice for its Child Care Strategy. This is the second year in a row that the New Westminster Child Care Strategy has been recognized with an award; in 2012 the City was the recipient of the 2012 Provincial Child Care Award of Excellence. “The City of New Westminster is committed to being a leader and active partner in the development of a comprehensive child care system,” said Mayor Wayne Wright. “We are pleased that our work in creating the Child Care Strategy has been recognized with this award as it underscores the importance of child care in our city and the role it plays in combating child poverty.” continued on page 26

Place

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26

August 2013

The Child Care Needs Assessment and Strategy were based on survey responses and focus groups with aboriginal, lone-parent, low-income and new immigrant families, as well as parents on a wait-list for child care placement and parents of children with extra support needs. Of the 21 recommended actions, 18 have been fully completed with the remainder to be implemented in 2013. Specific actions include, but are not limited to, the construction of the first civic child care facility to be operated by a non-profit provider; the development of a Child Care Reserve Fund; the establishment of a civic Child Care Grant Program; and the implementation of a Child Care Protocol between the City and School District. Between October 2008 and January 2012, the implementation of these actions has resulted in a net increase of 324 licensed child care spaces in New Westminster; 60% of which were created as a result of a direct City action such as development variance permit, lease of City-owned land or rezoning. Since January 2012, 104 new licensed child care spaces have been created, with another 153 licensed child care spaces in the planning stages. “These licensed child care spaces are contributing to the social and economic development of New Westminster,” said John Stark, the City’s Senior Social Planner “They are providing opportunities for children to grow in all areas of child development and are essential to retaining or attracting residents in the labour force.” end

NOAH’S SNAKES Noah’s Ark lands after The Flood and Noah releases all the animals, saying, “Go forth and multiply.” Several months pass and Noah decides to check up on the animals. All are doing fine except a pair of snakes. “What’s the problem,” asks Noah. “Cut down some trees and let us live there,” say the snakes. Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass and Noah checks up on the snakes again. He sees lots of little snakes; everybody is happy. Noah says, “So tell me how the trees helped.” “Certainly,” reply the snakes. “We’re adders, and we need logs to multiply.”

How we do it… • Aerodynamicists do it in drag. • Algebraists do it by symbolic manipulation. • Algebraists do it in a ring, in fields, in groups. • Analysts do it continuously and smoothly. • Applied mathematicians do it by computer simulation. • Banach spacers do it completely. • Bayesians do it with improper priors. • Catastrophe theorists do it falling off part of a sheet. • Combinatorists do it as many ways as they can. • Complex analysts do it between the sheets. • Computer scientists do it depth-first.

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• Cosmologists do it in the first three minutes. • Decision theorists do it optimally. • Functional analysts do it with compact support. • Galois theorists do it in a field. • Game theorists do it by dominance or saddle points.

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• Geometers do it with involutions. • Geometres do it symmetrically.

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• Graph theorists do it in four colours. • Hilbert spacers do it orthogonally. • Large cardinals do it inaccessibly. • Linear programmers do it with nearest neighbors. • Logicians do it by choice, consistently and completely. • Logicians do it incompletely or inconsistently. • (Logicians do it) or [not (logicians do it)]. • Number theorists do it perfectly and rationally. • Mathematical physicists understand the theory of how to do it, but have difficulty obtaining practical results. • Pure mathematicians do it rigorously. • Quantum physicists can either know how fast they do it, or where they do it, but not both. • Real analysts do it almost everywhere. • Ring theorists do it non-commutatively. • Set theorists do it with cardinals. • Statisticians probably do it. • Topologists do it openly, in multiply connected domains.

AUGUST 2013 ARIES: This is a good time to spruce up your home and begin those home renovations. Employers will be pleased with the work you do. A good time to ask for that raise. TAURUS: You may find there is a considerable amount of love in your every day life. You are more sensitive to beauty within your everyday surroundings. GEMINI: Money could easily slip through your fingers this month. Consider investments as opposed to spending and all will be well. CANCER: Your looking fabulous this month and others are taking notice. Expressing yourself to others comes with great ease during this time. LEO: Loved ones may call upon you for help during this time. Serve in the true service of selfless devotion and don’t expect payback.

• Variationists do it locally and globally.

VIRGO: Group activities take up all your time this month. Any group setting will only benefit you during this time. Your loved one may not understand this.

THEY WALK INTO A BAR

LIBRA: Favorable circumstances take place within your place of work. A love relationship may take place with someone older. Be careful with your motives.

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, “Is this some kind of joke?”

THEY DO WORK My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

TEACHING THE SPLITS I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”

SCORPIO: You will be attracted to new people and new experiences during this time. A good time for any pleasure trip that involves new ideas and philosophies. SAGITTARIUS: All relationships will play out with greater intensity during this time. If you require a loan or money from other resources; it will come easy to you now. CAPRICORN: Love will seek you out this month if your not currently in a relationship. If your in conflict with someone now it is a good time to make peace and reconcile. AQUARIUS: All matters pertaining to your work and daily life come with ease during this time. Deal with the real world and not the fantasies in your mind. PISCES: It’s all about having a good time during this month. Friends and lovers want your attention. There is no need to pretend what you are not.

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August 2013

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How many? How many constructivist mathematicians does it take to replace a lightbulb? None: They do not believe in infinitesimal rotations. How many numerical analysts does it take to replace a lightbulb? 3.9967: (after six iterations). How many classical geometers does it take to replace a lightbulb? None: You can’t do it with a straight edge and a compass. How many Bourbakists does it take to replace a lightbulb? Changing a lightbulb is a special case of a more general theorem concerning the maintain and repair of an electrical system. To establish upper and lower bounds for the number of personnel required, we must determine whether the sufficient conditions of Lemma 2.1 (Availability of personnel) and those of Corollary 2.3.55 (Motivation of personnel) apply. Iff these conditions are met, we derive the result by an application of the theorems in Section 3.1123. The resulting upper bound is, of course, a result in an abstract measure space, in the weak-* topology. How many topologists does it take to screw

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August 2013

HOW DO I LOOK?

Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn’t cross the

Two strands of DNA were walking down the street. One says to the other, “Do these genes make me look fat?

road; it transcended it. Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2001, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your

Why did the chicken cross the road? Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

important documents, and balance your checkbook. Grandpa: In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us

Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.

that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Albert Camus: It doesn’t matter; the chicken’s actions have no meaning except to him. Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in

Kindergarten Teacher: To get to the other side. Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability. Martin Luther King Jr.: I envision a world

such a way that they are now genetically

where all chickens will be free to cross roads

dispositioned to cross roads.

without having their motives called into

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken

question.

crossed the road or the road crossed

Fox Mulder: It was a government conspiracy.

the chicken depends upon your frame of

George Orwell: Because the government had

reference.

fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests. Plato: For the greater good. The Pope: That is only for God to know.

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Ronald Reagan: I forget.

name Address

Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a

Colonel Sanders: I missed one? road? I mean, why doesn’t anyone ever think to ask, “What the heck was this chicken doing

city Province Phone email

walking around all over the place, anyway?”

Postal

Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I’ve not

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been told! Homer Simpson: Mmmmmm. Chicken. B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences, which had pervaded its sensorium from birth, had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.

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Top Ten Excuses used by Math Students for not doing homework 1. I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames.

10. I spent the rest of the night trying to figure which one to dunk. 11. I could have sworn I put the homework inside a Klein bottle, but this morning I couldn’t find it.

2. Isaac Newton’s birthday. 3. I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook. I couldn’t actually reach it. 4. I have the proof, but there isn’t room to write it in this margin. 5. I was watching the World Series and got tied up trying to prove that it converged. 6. I have a solar powered calculator and it was cloudy. 7. I locked the paper in my trunk but a fourdimensional dog got in and ate it.

Q: What do you call a goat that lip syncs? A: Billy-Vanilli. Q: What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear? A: Winnie the Pooh! Q: What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer’s day? A: I’m bacon!

8. I couldn’t figure out whether i am the square of negative one or i is the square root of negative one. 9. I took time out to snack on a doughnut

Q: What do you call six weeks of rain in Scotland? A: Summer!

and a cup of coffee.

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Piffle Magazine 2013-08  

Do you know anybody from the New Westminster Secondary School Class of 1969? Let them know about the reunion coming up in October. Read all...

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