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February 2013  | Your community humour magazine  |  issue 149

Cartoonist Glenn Jones and the Jones Family Story on P8 Photo by Gabor Gasztonyi

YOUR DIABETES RESOURCE CENTRE

WE ARE OPEN Mon to Thur 9am – 7pm Fri 9am – 6pm Sat 9am – 4pm Sun 9am – 3pm

981 Carnarvon St New Westminster

604-523-6767

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 14

Don’t forget your Sweetheart on Valentine’s Day!


2

February 2013

Fin Donnelly, MP

New Westminster – Coquitlam & Port Moody Serving Our Community

Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Fin Donnelly’s Community office for assistance. Fin Donnelly’s Community Office: 1116 Austin Avenue, Coquitlam, BC, V3K 3P5

Phone: 604-664-9229 l Email: fin.donnelly@parl.gc.ca l www.FinDonnelly.ca

Funny Bones by Jones Magazine Locally Owned & Published Fourth floor, 604 Columbia St New Westminster, BC V3M 1A5

Chris Sargent Owner & Publisher, Sales Email: publisher@piffle.ca

604-525-9027 Catch them while they’re laughing!

Cliff Blank

Graphic Design, Marketing Email: production@piffle.ca

604-600-4405

Photography: Gabor Gasztonyi, Trevor Batstone, Darren Lulka

Glenn Jones would like to hear from his fans. E-mail him at funnybones.by.jones@gmail.com.

piffle.ca

Peter Julian, MP Burnaby – New Westminster Serving Our Community

Need help with federal issues such as E.I., Income Tax, Canada Pension and Canada Student Loan? Please contact Peter Julian’s Community office for assistance. Peter Julian’s Community Office: 7615 Sixth Street, Burnaby, BC V3N 3M6

Phone: 604-775-5707 l Email: peter.julian.c1@parl.gc.ca l www.PeterJulian.ca

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland


February 2013

3

Piffle’s NUMBER BLOCKS

Try to fill in the missing numbers. The missing numbers are integers between 0 and 9. The numbers in each row add up to totals to the right. The numbers in each column add up to the totals along the bottom. The diagonal lines also add up the totals to the right. Solution on page 9.

Another fine “time distraction” brought to you by your local Piffle Magazine.

R W K T V O R A J K C Z A B L

X H E X V A S G U H D U X E E

I N X E U F L Y I M K L Z U M

G G Z R T V A L E N T I N E P

U V B E C H R K R W Q E M B W

O E S G F I E T C Y H Z R U E

F Y K A T L T A D Z W V O T A

L N Y I S R O N R X N C I A P

A U W R A R A W A T T Z P B B

K W C R E C A I E M N M I I C

X Z N A F J Y S F R O I A N U

X E E M R K U I V O S R A G Y

M O O B A T U B E B V X A S U

I M Y H O N E Y X F V P T D E

A G NT

S U P Q I X L Y P I B B I Q Y

CHRIS

WORD BUTABING BUTABOOM

SEARCH

CANDY FEAST FEBRUARY

MYHONEY

FLOWERS

ROMANTIC

HUGS

SAINT

LOVE

SWEETHEART

MARRIAGE

VALENTINE

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February 2013

NOW OFFERING PERSONAL ASTROLOGICAL READINGS! EMAIL LIZA FOR DETAILS: Liza_kol@hotmail.com

VALENTINE Q & A Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day? A: Forget-me-nuts. Q: What did the valentine card say to the stamp? A: Stick with me and we’ll go places! Q: What did the light bulb say to the switch? A: You turn me on. Q: Did Adam and Eve ever have a date? A: No, but they had an Apple. Q: What did one snake say to the other snake? A: Give me a little hug and a hiss, honey.

February 2013

SLEEPLESS TAXPAYER A man wrote a letter to the Canada

ARIES: If you feel emotionally upset during this time, don’t rely on those self defeating acts. Instead, confront yourself and you will have a better way of dealing with issues.

Revenue Agency: “I have been unable to sleep

TAURUS: Formulate those goals and go after them with gusto. Just be sure to balance your needs with the needs of the group and all will be well.

tax. I understated my taxable income and

GEMINI: You have ambition to achieve this month and so you will. You will work extremely hard to get the job done. Watch for conflict with authority figures. CANCER: Your beliefs and opinions are a strong theme during this time. Just don’t force your view on others and learn to listen to what others have to say. LEO: Your values and others people money comes into play during this time. There may be a conflict over possessions. Don’t forget to share. VIRGO: Cooperation with business and marital partners will be a strong theme. Work with them and not against and all will be good during this time. LIBRA: Your daily life really picks up speed. Your able to take pride in all the work you are able to accomplish. Health issues may arise due to your temper. SCORPIO: Your competitiveness and aggressive side comes out to play during this time. Everything fun will be more intense. Enjoy the ride. SAGITTARIUS: The action revolves around your home. You should be making serious headway if you work from home. Use this energy wisely. CAPRICORN: Beware of imposing your ideas on others or conflicts will arise. However, selling the idea on the job front works quite well. AQUARIUS: Do you own money or does it own you? Money can easily slip through your fingers. Keep credit cards at home this month. PISCES: A great time to further your own interests and start that physical fitness routine. You’ve got mind and body energy to burn. Put it to good use.

knowing that I have cheated on my income have enclosed a check for $200.00. If I still can’t sleep, I will send the rest.”

MARRIED AT 80 The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation. “He’s a funeral director,” she answered. “Interesting,” the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40s, and a preacher when in her 60s, and now, in her

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diverse careers. Wait for it… She smiled and explained, “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”

GRANDMA’S REVENGE

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Have a Safe and Happy 2013 My office is here to assist you with provincial services and information.

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February 2013

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February 2013

CABARET ORIENTALE

February 16, 7:30 p.m. Columbia Theatre, 530 Columbia St Ammara Dance Co. presents the second annual “Cabaret Orientale” starring this year’s special guest Amar Gamal. Join us at the glamorous Columbia Theater for an evening of Middle Eastern music and dance featuring some of the top performers from around the Lower Mainland and Vancouver Island. This elegant showcase features a variety of styles and expressions of Middle Eastern dance from traditional to modern and is suitable for all ages. Let yourself be transported to far-away lands through the magic of dance! Tickets: $20 in advance, $25 at the door available on line at www.ammara.ca More info: www.ammara.ca or email info@ammara.ca

TURN DOWN THE HEAT WEEK February 2 to 9

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HERITAGE WEEK February 18 to 24

To celebrate its place as Western Canada’s oldest city, New Westminster presents this annual event every February. Heritage Week features exhibits and activities for all ages, including walking tours, a museum fair and special events. Organised by the Irving House Historic Centre. Irving House Historic Centre is located at 302 Royal Ave, New Westminster Tel: 604-527-4640

Fortis BC proudly sponsors as part of their ongoing commitment to work with BC businesses to improve energy efficiency. You can help promote energy conservation and encourage others to turn down their heat at home and at work, wear a sweater and donate gently used sweaters that will go to the Lookout Society, solutions to homelessness.

Tel: 778-919-1208 or 604-421-0653 www.facebook.com/BWEO2011 www.bitmakalyweo.blogspot.com

IN CELEBRATION OF FILM – A NIGHT AT THE OSCARS February 24, 5:00 p.m. Columbia Theatre, 530 Columbia St

Fo an enjoyable and entertaining evening, join the Arts Council at The Columbia and watch the Oscar presentation live!

January 21 to 22 and February 21 to 23, 8:00 a.m. – 5:30 p.m. in the Community Room, Royal City Centre

Have your photo taken on the red carpet, vote for your favourite movie and actor plus enjoy a fabulous gourmet dinner.

Take some time to take care of your health. The BC Cancer Agency’s mobile mammogram service will be visiting Royal City Centre.

Tickets $85 per person or book a table at $80 per person. Tickets available at the Arts Council office in Queen’s Park annexed to the Centennial Lodge.

Early detection saves lives when cancer is much less likely to have spread and more treatment options are available. Mammograms are safe, effective and free.

FREE CITIZENSHIP CLASSES

All proceeds in suppor t of Ar ts Council Programming in our community Contact: Andrée St. Martin, 604-525-3244 www.artscouncilnewwest.org Faeine Grant, 604-803-9227 faeine@teamrethink.com

February 6, 10:00 a.m. – 1:00 p.m. New Westminster Public Library

Prepare for the Canadian citizenship test for free. To register phone MOSAIC at 604-522-3722, ext. 155 Sponsored by the Library and MOSAIC’s Settlement Program.

FAMILY GATHERING DAY

Downtown par ticipating businesses and collection sites:

February 23, 12:00 p.m. - 5:00 p.m. Sapperton Pensioners Hall, 318 Keary St

Bosley’s Pet Food Plus, The British Store, The Wine Factory, River Market, Zoom Hair Salon, Boston Pizza, Lofty Living, Rona and Scotia Bank

Please come and celebrate with us the official family day in BC.

Please join the above businesses, the Downtown New West BIA and City Hall in this charitable and energy saving initiative.

Tickets: Single $10 Family of Four $25 Bweo2011@gmail / bitakalywa@gmail.com

SCREENING MAMMOGRAPHY PROGRAM

Call 1-800-663-9203 to book your appointment BIABC has launched their first ever, province wide BIA event that is an environmental and charitable initiative.

• How you can reduce daily stress as newcomer family

The workshop will cover: • How to enjoy your new home and have healthy family relation • Planning for a happy family

MON TO FRI 9AM – 6PM | SUN 9AM – 3PM

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Glen Jones & the

O

n a typically damp west coast afternoon, I had a chance to meet long-time Piff le cartoonist Glenn Jones the other day at his home near the top of Burnaby Mountain.

I was hoping to meet the Jones Family and their twelve kids as depicted in Glenn’s c om ic s t r ip, but discovered Glenn himself seated at h i s c a r t o on i n g desk and his lovely wife Pauline greeting me with smiles at the door. The Jones twelve were nowhere to be found. Pauline’s kids Darin, and Stephanie has taken the place of the Jones twelve in the comic strip, and they don’t seem to get into as much trouble as Glenn’s

your guests forever. Located on 6th Street, you’ll find decorative pieces for any home. Drop by for a peek, you will leave satisfied.

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fictional Jones family, which Glenn masterfully assembles each week, into an enormously admired slice of life. Indeed as a cartoonist Glenn has a unique style in that he doesn’t block off each section of the strip, but draws it out in a sort of continuous fashion. Quite a neat idea actually and something that makes Glenn fairly remarkable in his field. Glenn tends also to keep away from the computer and creates his strip free hand with pencil, the old fashioned way, giving his work a delightful sense of craftsmanship.

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Jones Family I asked Glenn what he enjoyed about cartooning and he said, “I love the freedom that it gives me because I can create anything I want.” Many people I remarked embark on an artistic career for that reason and Glenn is no exception to that rule. Born in Winnipeg, of Métis ancestry, Glenn was raised by his adopted parents Alan and Margaret Jones since he was a small child. His father Alan worked for the Boy Scouts of Canada as an executive and was one of the founders of the Beavers. In fact, the Beaver manual, which his father Alan created, was modeled after Alan’s own family of which Glenn was a vital part, along with his brother Greg and sister Susan. Their family was smaller than the twelve or more in the comic strip which were clearly more than a handful. Alan Jones came up with the Beaver colors, brown and blue symbolizing earth and

Story by Gabor Gasztonyi

sky and made them into the motif of the organization. Although his dad had died a number of years ago, Glenn’s mother Margaret is an avid cyclist regularly cycling over 150 kilometres each week. Margaret’s love of cycling also rubbed off on Glenn who was a competitive road racer for many years. A Lance Armstrong of Burnaby, well not quite, although Pauline said that when she first met Glenn he would think nothing of cycling all over the lower mainland as quick as a flash from one appointment to another, including meeting her on their first date. A number of years ago, Glenn began an emotional journey to discover and connect with his native birth family. He felt an extremely powerful inner need to investigate and find his real mom and dad and to discover the details of his ancestry. His parents encouraged him in this search, and Glenn went on to

find his birth mother as well as his two brothers Dave and Fred Houle. Not only did he connect in a truly meaningful way with his two brothers, but Pauline remarked that he spoke regularly with his brother Fred in Winnipeg and, in fact, she had an extremely difficult time getting them off the phone. Fred Houle has for many years been the editor of the Aboriginal Times, a well known aboriginal publication a nd a lso w rites under t he pseudonym, “Long Lance”. This re-connection and emotional discovery of his native roots has given immense inspiration to both Glenn and Pauline and the entire Jones Family. Although smaller than the Jones’s in the comic strip, the real Jones’s here in Burnaby have come a long way from ancient roots on the plains of Manitoba, and straight to your heart each month in Piffle Magazine.end

Piffle’s NUMBER BLOCKS

How old is the New Westminster Chamber of Commerce this year?

Solution from page 3

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February 2013

MEET THE JONES’ By Glenn Jones

#26-8720 Forest Grove Drive, Burnaby BC V5A 4C9  |  604-433-3986  |  E-mail: glenn-jones@shaw.ca

More VALENTINE Q & A

Q: What travels around the world but stays in

Q: Why did the banana go out with the prune?

one corner?

A: Because it couldn’t get a date.

A: A stamp.

Q: What is a ram’s favourite song on February

Q: What happens when you fall in love with a

14th?

French chef?

A: I only have eyes for ewe, dear.

A: You get buttered up.

Q: What did the boy octopus say to the girl

Q: What is a vampire’s sweetheart called?

octopus?

A: His ghoul-friend.

A: Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand,

Q: If your aunt ran off to get married, what

hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand?

would you call her? A: Antelope.

Piffle wishes you and yours

THE LETTUCE

Eternal Love

A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, there’s a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.” The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him. The man asks, “Is it serious, doctor?” The doctor replies, “I’m sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.”

I HAVEN’T SEEN MY WIFE FOR AWHILE A man left for work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages. When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife. After two hours, she stopped nagging and said, “How would you like The Kiss, Auguste Rodin, 1904

it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland


February 2013 He replied, “That would be fine with me.” Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

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CORNEY A duck walks into a post office and asks the man behind the counter, “Do you have

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asks, “Do you have any corn?” Annoyed, the man answers, “No! We don’t have any corn.”

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This goes on for a couple of days until finally, when the duck asks “Do you have any corn?” The man gets so upset he yells “NO! For the last time we don’t have any corn, and if you ask again I’ll nail your beak to the counter!” The next day, the duck returns and asks, “Do you have any nails?” The man answers, “No.” Then the duck asks, “Do you have any corn?”

Now available for sale at Renaissance Books and the New Westminster Museum

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February 2013 NASA PENS When NASA started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work at zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that wrote at zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

CHESS A group of chess enthusiasts were kicked out of a hotel reception for discussing their winning games. The manager can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

Mayor of a City with a Heart

Criminal Mastermind An applicant was filling out a job application. Mayor Wayne Wright

When he came to the question, “Have you ever been arrested?” he wrote, “No.”

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The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was “Why?” The applicant answered it anyway: “Never got caught.”

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Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland


February 2013 A number of middle school girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers, and then there are educators.

HOW TO CROSS THE SAHARA There once was a “smart guy,” a “not that smart guy,” and an all round “not smart at all guy.” They were going to cross the Sahara Desert. The “smart guy” says, “meet here in an hour with something useful to cross the desert with!” Later on an hour passes. The “smart guy” says I brought some ice packs to keep our heads cool, the “not so smart guy” says I brought a pail of water to keep us hydrated. The “not smart at all guy” says, “I

13

LACROSSE “The Rest of the Story” BY ED GOSS

Where are they now? MICKEY LYNCH A Stalwart, hard hitting, defensive specialist, Mickey was one strong link of the many strong links needed to make a championship Team. He is a proud member of our 1968-1972 Hall of Fame inducted Senior A Salmonbellies team. After breaking his leg snow skiing, and now married to Lorraine and proud father of daughter Michelle, Mick retired from lacrosse in 1974. He went to SFU and graduated with teaching degree in 1979. His love of the outdoors enticed him to accept a Teaching job in Terrace, B.C. The next 34 years were endless opportunities for playing in the outdoors from Terrace to Alaska. His canoe wilderness trips, white water Kayaking, hiking, mountain biking, snow skiing and back country skiing was enjoyed with a growing family and many friends. One special, memorable month long adventure was in 1986. Mick, with daughter Michelle, then 16, paddled a 20’ double Ocean Kayak from Kitimat to Vancouver. They camped in remote sites, sometimes on islands, sometimes the mainland. They took advantage of natural hot springs to soak their weary bones, eating wild strawberries and being entertained by pods of Orcas frolicking just metres away. Now that’s what I call bonding with your child. Mick retired from teaching in 2005 and still enjoying all the activities and is just trying to keep up with grandson Shayle.

down when it gets hot!”

Way to go Mickey Lynch and family. What a full life you’re living. Here’s too many more beautiful sunrises and sunsets, from your coastal friends.

TAX

Ed Goss Associate Broker

brought a car door so I can roll the window

There once was a dog named Tax. I opened the door and income Tax.

604-644-0141 edgoss@shaw.ca • www.edgoss.com

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February 2013 THE VET A man goes to the vet about his dog’s fleas. The vet says, “I’m sorry, I’ll have to put this dog down.” The man is incredulous and asks why. The vet says, “Because he’s far too heavy.”

WHAT? Q. What do you call a polar bear with ear muffs? A. Anything you want, he can’t hear you!

STOPLIGHTS Q: What did the first stoplight say to the second stoplight?

Open Monday to Saturday

A: Don’t look I’m changing!!

PLACES I’VE BEEN I have been in many places, but I’ve never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can’t go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I’ve also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. I would like to go to Conclusions, but

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Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland


February 2013

15

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often. I’ve been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. Sometimes I’m in Capable, and I go there more often as I’m getting older. One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get! And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!

25TH ANNIVERSARY A couple celebrated their 25th wedding

POET’S CORNER

with Poet Laureate New We

CANDICE JAMES

stminster

Be My Valentine

© Janet Kvammen 2013 Purdy’s heart of velvet, chocolate creams. Old memories, new dreams bring sweet surprises, happy smiles.

anniversary. When they were asked what their secret was to a long lasting marriage they said, “We take the time to go out to a restaurant two times a week. A candlelight dinner, soft music and a slow walk home. She goes on Tuesdays, and I go on Fridays.”

YOU KNOW YOU ARE ADDICTED TO THE INTERNET WHEN… 1. You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved, and you don’t have a clue when it happened. 2. Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like. 3. All of your friends have an @ in their names.

Hand in hand, they walk slow. Window shopping, downtown aglow. A stroll to Pier Park, golden sunset sparkles. A romantic dinner, table for two. Almost 4 years since they said I do. Love shines on, forever bright. Be My Valentine, tonight?

4. You can’t call your mother… she doesn’t have a modem. 5. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed. 6. You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a builtin keyboard and mouse. 7. The last girl you asked out was only a jpeg.

Janet Kvammen loves to express herself creatively in many different forms such as photography, poetry, graphic arts and book cover design. Her poetr y has been published in “Sudden Thunder Anthology”, “Mind Paintings Anthology 2011”, “Royal City Poets Anthology 2011” and most recently “ between earth and sky anthology 2012” and Royal City Poets 2012 all by Silver Bow Publishing. She is on the Board of Directors of the new Royal Cit y Literar y Arts Society. Please visit her F acebook page called PlanetJanet Creations.

8. Your wife says communication is important in a marriage… so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

New West Poets: please submit your “New West” poems for this column to candicejames@shaw.ca or call 778-322-1131 for info.

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16

February 2013 In response to this and approximately a half an hour later the second racehorse responded, “Oh yeah… when I was a young racehorse… from one hundred starts, I won (hic) 95 races, got 2 seconds and 3 thirds… I am the greatest racehorse that ever lived… blah, blah, blah… Now it was about this time that the

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GEORGE’S MOBILE CAR WASH 604-205-0966 HORSE TALK Two rather old retired racehorses are in a bar getting totally drunk. After about two hours the first racehorse says “You know… when I was a young racehorse… from one hundred starts, I won (hic) 90 races, got 5 seconds and 5 thirds… I am without doubt the greatest racehorse that ever lived… blah, blah, blah…

bartender (a greyhound) decided that they were drunk enough so he said, “I am sick of you two telling one another how great you are, you are both drunk and I am throwing you out of the bar, but before I do I want to let you know that when I was a young greyhound, from one hundred starts, I won 100 races, no seconds and no thirds.” The two racehorses were shocked and for 5 minutes sat with their mouths open until the fist racehorse finally said, “Isn’t that amazing (hic)… a talking greyhound!”

CHILDREN ARE QUICK TEACHER: Why are you late? STUDENT: Class started before I got here. TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’

THE VISITOR By Glenn Jones

#26-8720 Forest Grove Drive, Burnaby BC V5A 4C9  |  604-433-3986  |  E-mail: glenn-jones@shaw.ca

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GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’ TEACHER: No, that’s wrong GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. (I Love this child) TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O. TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago. WINNIE: Me! TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are. TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘I’. MILLIE: I is… TEACHER: No, Millie… always say, ‘I am.’ MILLIE: All right… I am the ninth letter of the alphabet. TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him? LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand… TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook. TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his? CLYDE: No, sir. It’s the same dog. (I want to adopt this kid!!!) TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher.

BABY-SITTER’S FIRE SAFETY GUIDE: PART 1 As the baby-sitter, you are responsible for the children in your care. Here are some important points you need to know if there’s a fire emergency in the home where you baby-sit. Before the Parents Leave Write down the complete address and phone number of the place where you are baby-sitting and phone numbers for: • Fire, Police, Ambulance & Emergency Services, often one number: 9-1-1 • Where the parents can be reached. • Neighbour(s). Keep this information in your pocket so that it’s with you at all times and handy in case of an emergency. Plan Your Escape If there is a fire while you are in charge, you must know what to do: • Is there a fire escape plan? If not, develop one. • Identify all escape routes. • Find at least two ways out of each room. • Plan how you and the children will escape safely. • Decide on an outside meeting place. • Ask for a demonstration of the smoke alarm. Guide to Fire Safety The best way to keep fire safe is to be watchful of the children in your charge: • Never leave children unsupervised. • Check sleeping children regularly. • Keep matches and lighters out of their reach. • Do not light candles while baby-sitting. • Keep children away from the stove, hot liquids, electric lamps and space heaters. • Keep space heaters at least 1 metre (40 inches) from drapes, furniture and bedding. • Cook safely and only if you have permission. • Turn pot handles in to avoid children knocking them over or pulling them down. • Smother a pan fire with a lid. Never use water. • Make sure you know what cooking materials can be used for the microwave. Burn Prevention • Always test hot foods and liquids before feeding. Your New Westminster Fire and Rescue Services cares about you and your safety! If you require further information, please visit our website at: www.newwestcity.ca or call the Fire Prevention Division at 604-519-1004.

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February 2013

Piffle’s MATH MADNESS

5. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? 6. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why

Solution from page 21

is it still #2? 7. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

BEER At A Glance Submitted by Jim Nicholas

“When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we

GEORGE CARLIN’S PHILOSOPHY CLASS

commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go

1. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on

heaven!”

to heaven. So, let’s all get drunk and go to

Wednesdays?

~ George Bernard Shaw

2. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? 3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If

4. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

“Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer

I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I

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February 2013

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think, ‘It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.’”

BOINK Three men walked in to a bar. You think one of them would have seen it!

~ Babe Ruth “Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you

IT’S THE WORST A Doctor was addressing a large audience in

that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the

Tampa. “The material we put into our stomachs

wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.”

is enough to have killed most of us sitting

~ Dave Barry “When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”

here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can

~ Paul Horning “24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.”

be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing

~ H. L. Mencken “Beer is proof that God loves us and wants

that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief

us to be happy.” ~ Benjamin Franklin “To some it’s a six-pack, to me it’s a Support Group. Salvation in a can!” ~ Leo Durocher

and suffering for years after eating it?” After several seconds of quiet, a 75-yearold man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake.”

studio portraits • event photography • photo restoration • commercial • custom picture framing Get your Piffle delivered early to your inbox! Visit piffle.ca


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February 2013

Planning your Tropical Vacation? We’ve got Snorkeling Gear! Purchase a mask & snorkel and receive a bottle of mask defog for free!

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TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A RED-NECK MURDER: 1. All the DNA is the same. 2. There are no dental records.

COPS FROM ACROSS THE LINE The following 15 Police Comments were taken from actual police car videos around the USA. Countdown to #1… #15 “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”

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#14 “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.” #13 “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.” #12 “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that will be chasing you.” #11 “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?” #10 “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?” #9 “Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”

Free Guide: Hearing Aids [2013] There’s a new consumer report available to help you if you’re considering buying hearing aids this year. We’ve identified 3 important facts consumers need to know that will put a purchase in the hearing aid buyer’s favor. 1. What to expect when you visit a hearing clinic for the first time 2. How to compare different hearing aid brands, styles, and prices 3. How to decide on a price level that’s best for you

To get a copy of this report in the mail at no charge call the toll-free 24 hour Free Recorded Message at 1-800-749-6865 (access code: 2013)

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#8 “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?” #7 “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and corn dogs and step in monkey poo.“ #6 “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.” #5 “In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.” #4 “How big were those ‘Just two beers’ you say you had?” #3 “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”

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know someone who can post your bail.” AND THE WINNER IS… #1 “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.”

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

Piffle’s MATH MADNESS

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight. 2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 4. When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. 5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving. 6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Try to fill in the missing numbers. Use the numbers 1 through 9 to complete the equations. Each number is only used once. Each row is a math equation. Each column is a math equation. Remember that multiplication and division are performed before addition and subtraction. Solution on page 18.

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February 2013 HIS FAVORITE COOKIES Submitted by Judy Bishop

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death’s doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. “Stay out of those,” she said. “They’re for the funeral.”

DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME Dick and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Winnipeg, Manitoba. One day the airport was iced in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Dick said, “Man, I wish we had something to drink!” Jim says, ‘Me too. Y’know, I’ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?” So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed. The next morning Dick wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

Serving Smiles to the Lower Mainland


February 2013 In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It’s Jim. Jim says, “Hey, how do you feel this morning?” Dick says, “I feel great, how about you?” Jim says, “I feel great, too. You don’t have a hangover?” Dick says, “No that jet fuel is great stuff… no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.” “Yeah, well there’s just one thing.” ”What’s that?” “Have you farted yet?” “No.” “Well, DON’T… cause I’m in Saskatchewan!

FRIED EGGS A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. “Careful… CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful… CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!” The wife stared at him. “What the heck is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?” The husband calmly replied, “I wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving!”

LET US PRAY Give me a sense of humor, Lord, Give me the grace to see a joke, To get some humor out of life, And pass it on to other folk.

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Piffle Magazine 2013-02  

Cartoonist Glenn Jones shares his real life inspiration for his cartoons plus love, marriage and relationship jokes in the February Piffle w...

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